Valuing Yourself In Relationships

Relationships of all types, romantic, friendships & familial, are an essential part of life, & it’s crucial to nurture them with love, respect, & understanding.  However, sometimes, we tend to compromise our self-worth in relationships, which can lead to mistreatment & abuse.  Today, I hope to shed some light on the importance of valuing yourself in relationships.

Many people believe that valuing oneself in a relationship is selfish or narcissistic.  However, it’s essential to understand that it’s not about putting oneself above others; it’s about recognizing one’s worth & treating oneself with love & respect.  When you value yourself, you can set healthy boundaries that communicate your needs & expectations, which creates a balanced, healthy relationship.

One of the most significant benefits of valuing yourself in relationships is recognizing your worth.  When you value yourself, you understand that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, & care.  This awareness makes it easier for you to identify when your partner is mistreating or disrespecting you.  Many people find themselves in abusive relationships because they don’t recognize their worth.  They tolerate abuse because they think that it’s what they deserve. However, when you value yourself, you understand that you deserve better & won’t tolerate such mistreatment.

A crucial aspect of valuing yourself in relationships is the ability to communicate your needs.  When you value yourself, you understand your needs & expectations from your partner. This awareness makes it easier for you to communicate your needs respectfully.  When you value yourself, you understand that your needs are essential, you have the right to communicate them & you can communicate them respectfully without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Valuing yourself in relationships also means setting healthy boundaries.  Boundaries are essential in relationships because they help define the limits of what is acceptable & what is not.  They also help create a respectful & loving relationship.  When you value yourself, you understand your limits & what you will & won’t tolerate from your partner.  You can set boundaries without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Valuing yourself in relationships also helps you avoid abusive, manipulative, or unhealthy relationships.  When you value yourself, you understand that you deserve a healthy & loving relationship.  You won’t tolerate any unhealthy behavior from your partner, & you will walk away from toxic relationships.

Valuing yourself in relationships also can help you build self-confidence.  When you value yourself, you understand your worth, & you treat yourself with love & respect.  Self-confidence is essential in creating a happy & healthy life.  It can help you achieve your goals & dreams & can help you build healthy relationships.  

Valuing yourself in relationships can also help you avoid expecting your partner to make you happy.  That expectation creates an unhealthy & unbalanced relationship.  When you value yourself, you understand that you don’t need a partner to feel happy & fulfilled.

Valuing yourself in relationships is essential in creating happy & healthy relationships.  It doesn’t mean that you’re selfish or narcissistic; it means that you understand your worth & treat yourself with love & respect.  So, take some time to reflect on your self-worth & how you can value yourself in your relationships.  Remember that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, & care, & don’t settle for anything less.

The Importance Of Valuing Your Spouse

Recently, I came across a video that spoke about how some men are afraid of their wives learning to value themselves & leaving them.  To prevent this from happening, they tear these women down by criticizing them so they will think that they can’t do any better & stay with them.  I believe this is a common behavior & that men haven’t cornered the market on it – women do this too.  Today, we will talk about how to avoid such behaviors & how to value your spouse.

Tearing someone down is never a solution to any problem.  Criticizing your spouse only hurts their self-esteem & damages your relationship.  The root of such behavior is often insecurity.  When you are insecure, you tend to feel threatened by your spouse’s success or growth, which can lead to controlling, manipulative, & abusive behavior.  Therefore, it is essential to recognize the signs of such behavior & acknowledge that your spouse’s success or growth does not diminish your worth or value in any way.  Instead, it is an opportunity to support & encourage them to become the best version of themselves.

The first step towards having a healthy, happy relationship is to take a step back & reflect on your behavior.  Ask yourself why you feel the need to tear your spouse down.  Once you identify the root cause, it’s time to work on yourself.

Prayer is powerful.  God will help you overcome the problem.  He will provide you with the strength & wisdom to recognize your weaknesses & improve them.  He also will help you communicate with your spouse in a healthy & respectful manner & build a healthier relationship.

Reflecting on your behavior also can help you identify areas where you need to improve.  It can help you become more aware of your actions & how they affect your spouse, which can help you become more empathetic & compassionate towards your spouse’s feelings & needs.

If you find yourself being judgmental or critical of your spouse out of fear of losing them, try wooing them instead.  Wooing your spouse means making them feel cherished, loved, & desired.  It also means prioritizing them over anyone else in your life.  You can do this by expressing your love & appreciation for them, listening to them, supporting their goals & dreams, & being there for them when they need you.  You can also surprise them with small gestures of kindness, like preparing their favorite meal or buying them a thoughtful gift to show them that you are thinking about them.  These things help build trust, intimacy, & a stronger emotional connection, while making your spouse feel valued & appreciated.

Accept your spouse.  In other words, don’t try to change them or mold them into the person you want them to be.  Instead, embrace their uniqueness & support them in their growth & development.  Acceptance helps build trust, respect, & a stronger emotional connection.  

Offer grace to your spouse.  Offering grace means being patient, kind, & understanding towards your spouse.  It means recognizing that they are human & that they need your support & encouragement to become the best version of themselves.

Valuing your spouse is essential for building a healthy, respectful, & fulfilling partnership.  

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Narcissists Can Fake Empathy

Narcissists are without a doubt the best actors & actresses.  They deserve awards for their incredible ability to convince people of whatever they want to convince people of at any given time.  That is why they are able to convince so many people that they are wonderful, talented, loving & kind. 

One of the ways that showcase their acting skills the best is their ability to fake empathy.

Before I go any further, you need to understand what empathy really is.  True empathy is the ability not only to understand what other people feel but why they feel as they do.  Even if you haven’t been in their specific situation, you are able to understand how they feel.  You care about other people & feel consideration for them.  Your behavior reflects this.

Clearly, this isn’t something narcissists are capable of doing.  They can’t relate to other people like this, nor do they want to care how they feel or why they feel as they do.  They may recognize a person feels happy, sad or angry, but they have no idea exactly why they feel that way.  The closest they come to real empathy is being able to understand that certain things upset people, but rather than using this knowledge to be kind, they use it to control, manipulate or hurt people.

Narcissists never start off any relationship by showing their true colors.  If they did, no one would involve themselves with any narcissist.  Instead, they use deceptive tactics to lure victims in, such as mirroring their likes, dislikes, morals, & beliefs.  When they meet someone who is kind, they fake empathy.  They show their new love interest how understanding they are.  The victim feels so validated & understood.  Once their victim feels secure & has fallen in love with this narcissist, the mask comes off & that empathy that drew them in vanishes, leaving the victim wondering how to get it to come back.

Narcissists also will display empathy in the midst of a relationship once in a while as a means to keep their victim feeling mentally off balance, make them willing to do anything to please the narcissist to bring it back, & basically just to torture them.  It gives a victim such hope that there is some decency in the narcissist when they see them display some empathy, which is why they are willing to do anything to help the narcissist see it needs to stay permanently.  When the narcissist returns to their cruelty, it is devastating.  At one point before I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I thought my mother was finally seeing the truth about how badly her behavior hurt me.  One day, she said she realized she made mistakes raising me.  She seemed sincere & genuinely sad about it.  I can’t describe the hope I felt when I thought she finally recognized how much pain & suffering she caused me!  I said, “Really?”  She replied by saying, “Of course I did.  Just look how you turned out.”  It felt like she drove a knife straight into my heart.

If someone you know treats you with a constant lack of genuine empathy, chances are very good that you are dealing with a narcissist.  If you can, ending the relationship is certainly in your best interest.  If you are unable or unwilling to do so at this time, then you need to pray a lot!  Ask God to help you to find ways to deal with this person.  Also remember that no matter what this person may say or do, they truly have no genuine empathy for you or anyone else.  Remembering that will help you not to be disappointed or devastated by their constant lack of empathy, because you know this is simply how this person is.  

Betrayal Is More Than Infidelity

Betrayal is an extremely painful & confusing experience.  The worst part is that it doesn’t come from strangers or acquaintances.  It comes from those closest to you.

Betrayal takes many forms.  Betrayal can mean being unfaithful to your partner or course, but it also can mean lying, hiding information that you need to know, prioritizing someone else over you when it should be the other way around or using or taking advantage of you.  It even can mean defending someone who has wronged you instead of supporting you.  Betrayal is incredibly painful,& no matter what form it takes, it can leave you feeling hurt & confused. That being said, you can heal from the pain of betrayal.

The most important step in healing from betrayal is to seek help from God.  When it comes to betrayal, it can be easy to feel like no one can understand what you are going through.  It is important to remember that God knows & understands every emotion that you are feeling.  He will not judge you for feeling hurt & betrayed, & He will be there to listen & provide comfort when you need it.  You can talk to God about your feelings, & He will provide you with the strength to cope with the betrayal.

It can also help to read God’s Word to receive comfort & guidance. His Word is full of stories of people who have gone through betrayal & have been able to find strength & solace in God. Reading these stories can help you to feel less alone & to understand that God is with you on this journey.

God is the ultimate healer & comforter, & He will be glad to help you to find the strength & courage to heal & to move forward.  Pray & ask God to help you to forgive, to heal, & to find the peace & strength you need to move on when necessary.

When you’ve been betrayed, it’s important to take the time to recognize & process your emotions.  It can be tempting to ignore your feelings or try to rush through them, but that is counter-productive.  Instead, allow yourself to really sit with your emotions, whatever they may be.  Don’t judge or criticize how you feel.  Just accept how you’re feeling & give yourself whatever time you need to fully process your emotions.  If you need to, write about your feelings in a journal, or talk to a trusted friend.

When it comes to processing your emotions, it also can be helpful to remember that it’s ok to be angry.  Anger is a valid emotion & it’s ok to express it in a healthy way.  It’s also ok to cry.  Crying can help to release some of the built-up emotion & tension, & is incredibly healing.

Another important step in healing from betrayal is to re-evaluate the relationship with the person who has betrayed you.  If someone has betrayed you, & then repeated that behavior even after knowing that it has hurt you or betrayed you in a different way, then it’s time to re-evaluate that relationship.  This can be hard, especially if it’s a close family member or friend, but it’s important to remember that your own wellbeing should always come first.  Always remember – someone who knowingly hurts you, especially repeatedly, doesn’t deserve your love & loyalty.

No matter what form betrayal has taken, it can be incredibly painful & confusing. But, with God’s help & by taking the time to recognize & process your emotions, you can heal & move forward.

Signs Someone Is Being Or Has Been Abused

There are abusive people in all walks of life.  Abusers are a part of every race, financial standing, culture, & religion.  As a result, there are also victims in every walk of life.  Chances are excellent that you know someone right now who is being abused, even though that person hasn’t said anything about it.  There are some signs that can help you determine if someone is being abused. 

An exaggerated startle response or flinching are signs of abuse.  Someone who is physically abused naturally flinches easily because they expect to be hit.  A person whose startle response is exaggerated is that way because they are accustomed to being on alert constantly as a way to protect themselves from abuse.

People pleasing is a learned behavior from being abused.  It stems from trying to keep an abuser happy so they don’t hurt the victim.  This people pleasing behavior naturally branches out into other relationships in a victim’s life.

Lack of confidence is common in victims of all types of abuse.  Abusers blame their victims for everything & destroy their self esteem.

Constantly second guessing one’s self is a natural occurrence of someone with abuse in their past or present.  It goes along with the lack of self esteem. 

Distrusting one’s perceptions is a common sign of someone who has been or is being subjected to gaslighting.  Gaslighting makes a person doubt themselves so intensely that they even doubt what they see or hear.  They lose all trust in their perceptions of reality.

Struggling to express emotions is another sign that someone is being abused. Abusers have no tolerance for their victims’ emotions.  They are very shaming when victims show emotions, which teaches victims not to display any emotions.  Even after the abuse has ended & the abuser is out of their lives, many victims struggle with healthy expressions of their emotions for a long time.

Feeling inappropriately responsible for their parents is common among those who were abused by their parents.  While it’s normal to help parents periodically, especially as they get older, it’s not normal to put parents first when they are healthy.  Abusive parents don’t believe this.  They think their wants, feelings, needs, etc. should be their children’s top priority no matter their children’s age.  Failure to do so results in intense suffering for their child, usually in the form of guilt or even shame.  In order to avoid this, children in these situations take on the responsibility of their parents, even at the expense of their marriage & other relationships.

Constantly over explaining stems from having to explain everything about themselves to abusers.  This spills over into other relationships in a victim’s life, & that victim often supplies way too much unnecessary information to other people.

Constantly apologizing also stems from being abused.  Abusers blame their victims for making them angry or even making them abuse their victims.  Victims learn to apologize for anything & everything after experiencing this.

If someone you know expresses these behaviors, it would be a good idea to see if they are being abused.  Ask questions about their life & relationships.  If they are currently being abused, you can help!  Offer to help them find somewhere to move if they live with their abuser or offer them a room in your home.  You can store things they may need when they move out, too, that way the abuser won’t know they have these things.  If they don’t live with their abuser, help them by encouraging them, teaching them about healthy boundaries & Narcissistic Personality Disorder if their abuser sounds like a narcissist.

If this person has abuse in their past, you still can help.  Listen, encourage, pray with & for them.  Show them you care & will help them to heal.

When Romantic Relationships Suddenly Turn Bad

The early days in a romantic relationship are so exciting.  You’re starting to get to know each other, & everything is new.  There is so much to learn too, which means you’re never bored.  You often have that butterflies feeling when you see your new partner.  You feel a deep loss when you aren’t together & count the moments until you’re together again.  These are totally normal.  What isn’t normal is when you start to feel that the relationship is extremely intense & it is moving much faster than you expected.  Intense & fast moving are potentially signs of something known as love bombing.

Love bombing is a technique used by abusers to lure their victims into a relationship.  It makes victims feel swept off their feet, & bonds them to an abuser quickly & powerfully.

Love bombers do much as the name suggests.  They use loving gestures to constantly shower extreme praise, attention & affection on their victims.  They tell victims things like they believe they are soul mates, no one has ever made the victim feel like this before, they have waited for someone like this victim their whole life or they never thought they would meet someone like the victim.  They often mention marriage shortly after meeting the victim, making them feel like this person is madly in love with them to consider such a serious commitment so early on.  Victims in this situation feel flattered, secure & even obligated to the love bomber because of this behavior.

In time however, the love bombing stops & the abuse begins.  Practically overnight, the love bomber goes from lavishing excessive praise & love on their victim to being manipulative, controlling & demanding.  They become upset when the victim sets boundaries or the victim is not available to them for even a sure period of time.  They may become disproportionately jealous, accusing their victim of being unfaithful even if the victim simply spoke someone of the opposite gender in passing.  They also insist on being in control of who their victim spends time with & how their victim spends their time.  In fact, these abusive people also limit who they allow in their victims’ lives.  They often isolate their victims from their friends & family members.  The fewer supportive, caring people in a person’s life, the easier that person is to control, which is why abusers are so quick to isolate victims.  They may even sabotage their partners’ job & render them unable to work.  This works well for abusers because not only are they eliminating their victims’ potential friends who might point out the abuser’s actions are wrong, they are creating a scenario where the victims must depend on them financially.  This leaves them unable to escape the abuse.  Abuses in these situations also are excessively critical to the point of being cruel to their victims as a way to make them feel badly about themselves.  The lower a person’s self esteem, the less likely that person is to protest the abuse & the more likely they are to tolerate anything done to them.  Abusers are also excessively volatile & unpredictable when relating to their victims while presenting an entirely different & better image to anyone outside the home.

If you are in this type of relationship, you can escape!  First of all, pray & ask God to show you what to do.  Follow what He suggests. 

You also can discuss your feelings with your partner.  Not everyone who love bombs is toxic.  Sometimes they are merely very dysfunctional.  Someone like this may be open to changing their behavior.  If they are, this is a very good sign!  However, if they aren’t & respond to what you say with anger or excuses, this is a huge red flag that you are dealing with a toxic person.  If at all possible, ending the relationship quickly is your best move!  Protect yourself!  You have every right to do so!

Why Narcissists Keep Victims Focused On Fixing Relationships

Narcissists simply must be in control of their victims at all times.  That power gives them a tremendous amount of narcissistic supply, basically a “high” to them.  That “high” is so addictive, they will do anything to attain it.  One of the ways they accomplish this is by making their victims focus on fixing the relationship.

A very effective way to do this is to blame their victims for everything that is wrong in the relationship to keep their victims focused on trying to fix the problems in this relationship.  In typical narcissist style, they are allowed to do anything they want, say anything they want, spend all the money in the relationship including money they didn’t earn, ruin outside relationships to the point of isolating victims & anything else they can possible conceive.  Yet they say victims are completely unreasonable if such things bother them.  They often deny doing anything wrong, but on the off chance they do, they quickly will spin the situation around to where the victim appears to be the problem.  If only the victim hadn’t said or done that thing, then the narcissist wouldn’t have needed to do what they did.  It’s all the victim’s fault for making the narcissist so upset that they acted that way. 

I remember my mother saying what she did to me in my teen years was for my own good.  It wasn’t abuse, she was “trying to save me from myself by using tough love.”   Sometimes she would give me the silent treatment.  I’d beg her to tell me what’s wrong & she either wouldn’t answer or say, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”  My first marriage was much the same way.  If only I would’ve agreed to the long laundry list of unreasonable things my ex husband wanted from me, our marriage would’ve been just fine, according to him.  I’ve had so called “friends” who were the same way.  If I didn’t do what they wanted, when they wanted it & how they wanted it done, I was to blame for their anger.  Like typical narcissists, their bad behavior was all my fault according to them.  I was the one to blame for problems in these relationships & I needed to fix the relationships.  They didn’t see the need to make any changes whatsoever.  As a result of them saying such things, I honestly believed that I was the problem in these relationships for a long time. 

I hope none of you reading this are in this relationship right now.  If you are, my heart truly goes out to you.  It’s such a dreadful place to be!  You can survive it though & without doing whatever unreasonable things the narcissist wants from you. 

Prayer is always the best place to start in any situation, but I think in particular when it comes to dealing with narcissists.  Ask God to give you wisdom, discernment, creative ways to deal with them, courage, strength & anything else you can think of.

When they tell you what’s is “wrong” with you, don’t blindly take that as truth.  Stop for a moment & consider what they say.  Ask yourself, does it make sense?  Is this truly something wrong with me or is it something the narcissist wants from me & is trying to manipulate me into doing?  It can be a challenge at first to lose that knee jerk reaction to accept anything they have to say without question, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.  Keep doing this & don’t beat yourself up when you slip up sometimes. 

Get to know yourself.  This is a great thing to do for so many reasons.  One being the more you know yourself, the easier it’ll be to identify truth from the narcissist’s accusations & manipulations.  Pay attention to what you really believe & how you really feel about everything.  It’ll help you get to know the real you, not who the narcissist says you are.

Learn about boundaries.  Figure out what you are willing & not willing to tolerate.  Then start small when you set them.  That will build your confidence to set bigger & bigger boundaries.

Never ever forget – it takes TWO people to make a relationship work, not ONE.  No matter how wonderful you may be, you alone are incapable of fixing any relationship.  Two people must work together to fix it, or it’ll never be fixed.

Encouragement For Those Still Married To A Narcissist

On my father’s first birthday after his death, I was thinking about him. God spoke to my heart & said my father asked Him to give me a message. “Encourage the weak, like me.” Immediately I knew what this meant. I learned after he died he stayed with my mother because he felt too weak to leave. (He & my mother were both narcissists, & they were each other’s victim as well as each other’s abuser.) When God said to encourage the weak, I knew I needed to encourage people who feel that same way my father did, who felt too weak to leave their narcissistic spouse.

I decided to make an annual tradition of this, so each January around my father’s birthday, I write a blog post on this topic.

For those of you reading who are in this situation, please know you really aren’t weak. I know you feel that way, but that doesn’t mean you truly are. It takes a lot of strength & courage to deal with a narcissist in any capacity, in particular when you live together.

It takes incredible tenacity to be able to maintain your sanity in the midst of narcissistic abuse. The intense gaslighting is so horrible. It can be nearly impossible to keep track of what is truth & what is the narcissist’s lies. Doing so speaks well of you! You have guts & strength! You aren’t even close to weak!

You also are strong because you haven’t committed suicide. Many victims of narcissistic abuse do this, & it certainly is understandable. It takes such an intense physical & mental toll on a person. But here you are, surviving! There’s that strength & tenacity again!

If you feel weak because you are still with the narcissist, don’t. I understand feeling that way, but it’s not a sign of weakness. Escaping a narcissist takes an incredible amount of work. They often destroy their victims’ finances by creating vast amounts of debt in their names. They prevent them from finding or holding down jobs. They keep them from reliable transportation so even if they can hold a job, they can’t get to & from that job. They destroy their victims’ self esteem to the point they don’t feel they can hold down any job, no matter how simple it is. They also isolate victims to remove their support system, & without that, they often lack the encouragement needed to get away. Not to mention it takes time to build up the inner strength to leave them. Often a lot of time. So many things can stop a person from escaping a narcissist, & not one of them makes the person weak.

If you feel weak for falling in love with the narcissist in the first place, don’t. They can be excessively charming & hard to resist. That’s how they lure their victims in. Anyone can fall for this! Narcissists are great actors & can fool even the most intelligent people. They also can convince their victims that they are exactly what the victim wants in a mate. That is no bad reflection on you at all! It only shows what a talented actor the narcissist can be.

I hope you realize by now that even if you’re still with your narcissistic spouse, you’re not weak. You’re human. Be proud of who you are, & don’t accept anything the narcissist says in an attempt to make you feel that you are anything less than the wonderful person you are!

When Narcissists Instill Fear In Their Victims

One way narcissists abuse their victims is by invoking fear in their victims.  Some narcissists may threaten their victim openly by threatening physical violence if they disobey the narcissist or something similar.  More commonly though, narcissists don’t threaten so openly.  They prefer stealthy type threats.

Think about it. How many times has a narcissist given you a look that struck deep fear into your heart?  Or, maybe they made a certain disapproving sigh or groan that told you that you were in trouble.  Sometimes, they use certain phrases, too.  They may say things like,

• Just keep it up!
• You really need to…
• If things don’t change, I don’t know what I’ll do.
• You make me so mad!  You’re lucky all I did was…

The goal of narcissists in these situations is to rule the lives of their victims by striking intense fear in them.  The more terrified a victim, the less likely that victim will tell other people about the narcissist’s actions, confront the narcissist or even leave the narcissist.

When this happens it can be very easy to feel blind terror, not knowing exactly what the narcissist has in mind to do to you.  Narcissists clearly are capable of evil, but they seem to make victims wonder exactly what kind of evil?  If I disobey, will this person hurt or even kill me? 

Rather than give into that blind terror, I want to encourage you to consider the situation objectively.

Chances are, you’ll realize that the narcissist is nothing more than a bully, trying to scare you with words rather than physically hurt you.  But, don’t assume that is all that is happening.  Many narcissists escalate their behavior slowly over time & they can turn physically abusive.  The escalation can happen so slowly that the victim doesn’t even realize it is escalation.  When you are caught up in simply surviving such a toxic, awful relationship, it can be very easy to miss the warning signs of the relationship becoming even more toxic.

You can know if your situation is escalating by considering this person’s behavior.  If this person has started yelling more or using some physically intimidating behaviors such as punching walls or standing over you as you sit, these could be warning signs that he or she will turn physically violent at some point.  If the narcissist in your life begins behaving in this way, things are clearly escalating.  You need to separate yourself from this person if at all possible & protect yourself!

Whether or not the relationship turns physically violent, it is still abusive & you don’t deserve to be treated this way.  If you want to get away but are unable to do so, try contacting your local domestic violence shelter or a hotline.  Talk to safe friends or family who might be able to help.  Contact a church for assistance & resources.  There are ways to escape abusive relationships even when it looks like there is no way out! 

Romantic Relationships With A Covert Narcissist

Relationships with covert narcissists aren’t always easy to recognize.  That is why today we are going to address signs that you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist.

Unlike their loud, boorish overt counterparts, covert narcissists come across as quiet & unassuming, often times even a bit naïve in the early days of a relationship.  They tend to be the type of person that can blend into the background, & doesn’t need to be the center of everyone’s attention.  They may not share much about their feelings early on, & they tend to mirror back to their victim by claiming they like similar things or share similar feelings.  It can seem a bit insincere, but that easily can be attributed to timidity, inexperience with dating or maybe social awkwardness.  In any case, it gets overlooked because they obviously want to know everything about their partner.  Being the focus of this undivided attention makes a person feel very special, so many flaws will go unnoticed.

Covert narcissists also want the relationship to move quickly.  They claim their new partner is their soul mate, they never met anyone so wonderful or they have looked for someone just like their partner for their entire life.  They quietly make their victim feel swept off their feet.  Even if this person is not the usual type the partner is interested in, they quickly ignore any doubts.  After all, the narcissist seems so sincere.

Once the victim is in this place, they begin to notice small changes in the narcissist.  Maybe he no longer calls his victim during his lunch break at work every day, or maybe she answers his texts hours later instead of only minutes.  In any case, something feels a bit off which makes the victim try harder to please the narcissist.  The relationship becomes consuming, & the victim’s other relationships may disappear.  The covert narcissist often says this is proof that those people really didn’t care about the victim, not like the narcissist does. 

The criticisms often start at this point.  Suddenly the victim is no longer the most beautiful woman the male narcissist has ever seen but instead could stand to lose a few pounds.  Or maybe the female narcissist stops complementing her victim’s handsomeness & makes comments about co workers or celebrities she finds handsome.  The criticisms always will be subtle & indirect.  He won’t say she’s fat, but imply she might feel better about herself if she lost some weight, for example.

The narcissist does other things that are off putting to their victim as well.  They may suddenly not be affected by the victim’s complaints or flustered state.  They may opt to watch television, scroll through their phone or continue to eat dinner as their victim pours out their heart.  If the victim says the narcissist isn’t listening, he or she gets offended, claiming that isn’t true, sometimes without even looking away from the distraction.  Even worse, they say this in such a way that the victim feels guilty for being critical. 

This type of behavior only gets worse.  They respond to victims by claiming they only have their victim’s best interests at heart, & don’t understand how their victim could think otherwise.  Victims in these relationships explain things that should not need explaining about the narcissist’s cruel behavior, yet always seem to end up apologizing to the narcissist for what the narcissist did to them. 

Sex is loveless.  They have no desire to make love with their partner.  They often either want boring sex that doesn’t please their victim, they prefer time alone with pornography or they want their partner to act out things they have seen in porn.  Either way, their victim is left feeling rejected, undesirable or even repulsive to the narcissist.

Somehow in spite of all of this, the victim ends up feeling as if they owe the narcissist.  If the victim broke up with the narcissist then later returned, the narcissist won’t have a problem bringing this up as a way to make the victim feel guilty & as if they owe that narcissist to make his or her life better from now on.  If the narcissist pays the bills or at least the majority of them, he or she never hesitates to remind the victim of this. 

If this sounds like someone you are romantically involved with, please do yourself a favor & get away from this person immediately!  You deserve so much better!  Stop making excuses or denying this behavior is abusive.  It is inexcusable & very abusive!   I can tell you this from experience because I was once married to someone like this.  No one has any right or reason to treat you this way, no matter what you may have done or didn’t do.  Get away from this person.  Heal.  Find someone who truly loves you & appreciates you for the wonderful person that you are!

A Message For Trauma Survivors

Those who survive trauma suffer a great deal beyond the traumatic events they endured.  They also struggle with anxiety, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & more.  Experiencing trauma changes how your brain works & how you think.  Because of this, today I want to remind those of you who survived trauma of some important things.

You are strong.  I know, you don’t feel that way but you are.  Even if you have some serious struggles with your mental health, you’re strong.  You survived what easily could have killed another person.  Yes, you have some damage from that but you still survived.  That is proof that you are strong!

You are valuable.  Abusers do love to convince their victims that they are useless wastes of space don’t they?  The fact is though that they only say this because it keeps their victims down & easier to control, not because they believe it.  In fact, if they work hard to convince you that you have no value, it only goes to show that they know you are valuable.  If they believed you truly to be worthless, why would they work so hard to convince you that you are worthless?

You are not to blame for the abuse.  I don’t care what your abuser said, you are not to blame for anything they did.  You never made that person hurt you.  Nothing anyone says or does can force another person to abuse them.  Get mad, sure.  Maybe even hit someone in extreme cases.  But, ongoing abuse is the result of the decision to abuse someone over & over again.  That decision is the sole responsibility of abusers.

You didn’t deserve the abuse.  Again, I don’t care what your abuser said.  Nothing you did means you deserved whatever your abuser did to you.  They chose to abuse because of something very fundamentally wrong with them, not because of anything you did.

If your abuser was someone you fell in love with, that isn’t a reason for you to feel stupid or be ashamed of yourself.  Abusers aren’t horrible all of the time.  If they were, they’d be easy to spot & avoid.  Abusers often portray themselves as just what their victim wants in a mate, which is why good people fall in love with them every day.

You are allowed to talk about what he or she did to you.  Abusers love their victims to stay quiet & will not hesitate to use anything in their power to make that happen.  They don’t want anyone to know what they have done or are doing because that might mean someone would think badly of them, give them consequences for their behavior or even stop them from abusing their victims.  The truth though is that this isn’t just their story.  It’s yours too, which means you have every right to discuss it as much or as little as you want.  If they want you to talk about them in a good way, they shouldn’t have abused you!  Don’t forget too that discussing it isn’t trying to ruin their reputation.  It’s simply telling what happened to you.

Your wants & needs are valid.  Your desire to be treated with basic common decency is valid.  Normal, even.  Your wants & needs don’t mean you’re “high maintenance”, needy or impossible to please.

Your emotions are also valid.  Just because your abuser said you are over sensitive, overreacting or can’t take a joke doesn’t mean these things are true.  Your anger & hurt over their behavior are valid, & perfectly normal under the circumstances.

It’s perfectly ok to take days off.  So many abusers convince their victims that they’re lazy, & that often sticks around long after the abuse is over.  I struggle with this myself, so I want to tell you what I tell myself.  There is nothing wrong with taking days off.  It doesn’t mean you’re lazy.  It means you’re human & need some rest.  Healing from abuse & living with the mental & emotional struggles are a lot of work!  Rest is essential anyway but especially when you’re trying to heal.

I hope this post helps you to remember these important points.  I wish you the best!

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Signs Of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, happens in abusive relationships.  It is when a person has an unnatural attachment to someone who abuses them.  It sounds far fetched to many people, but it can happen.  When a person suffers abuse yet that abuser periodically does acts of kindness for them, that can create a trauma bond.  An example could be someone whose narcissistic parents were abusive his entire life, yet also bought him his first car, put him through college & gave him money without question any time he asked.  Their generosity caused him to feel a bond to his parents in spite of the fact they abused him during childhood then continued to abuse not only him but also his wife & children.

Just because a person does something nice for you periodically doesn’t negate their abusive ways!  Abuse is abuse, no matter what perks may come along with it, & anyone in an abusive relationship needs to keep this in mind. 

There are some signs of trauma bonding that can help you to recognize if this is happening or has happened to you.

When in a relationship with someone you are trauma bonded to, that person comes first, period.  If the abuser is a romantic partner, you feel addicted to them.  If the abuser is a parent, they come first in your life, even above your friends, spouse, children, yourself & yes, even God.  The trauma bond keeps that person the top focus of your life.

On those rare occasions they do something good or nice for you, you doubt yourself.  You think you are just overreacting to the abuse.  After all, they did this great thing, so they’re not all bad, right?!

When the abuser hurts you, you make excuses for their behavior rather than confront them.  He had a bad day at work, or she just didn’t realize that saying that would be upsetting.

The abuser hurts you over & over, yet you continually try to please this person.  No sacrifice is too great on your part, either.  You will do anything for this person, no matter the personal cost or the cost to those who love you.

You become very self destructive.  The abuser has trained you to think you’re a failure & you don’t deserve anything good, so you sabotage yourself in every way imaginable to meet their expectations.  An example is you take jobs that you aren’t qualified for so when you get fired, the abuser can say, “I told you so.”  Or, you become romantically involved with someone the abuser doesn’t approve of, so they tell you that person is awful, unfaithful, dragging you down, after your money, or other nonsense. 

You have very damaged or even no self esteem because of this person’s abuse.  You don’t believe you deserve respect or love.  You believe you don’t have any value, & therefore will tolerate any manner of abuse & depravity this person wants to inflict on you.  You are willing to compromise your morals & standards to please them.

If you see yourself in these signs, chances are you are in a trauma bond with an abuser.  No matter who the abuser is, if at all possible, end the relationship immediately.  You don’t deserve to be treated this way by anyone.  You DO have worth & value!  You matter!  Protect yourself & end this relationship.  Break the trauma bond, focus on your healing & live the good life that you deserve!

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It’s Still Abuse If..

Many victims of abuse are quick to deny that they are actually being abused or have been abused.  A woman may defend her husband who beat her up saying she deserved it because she didn’t do something he wanted her to do, or he had too much to drink before he hit her.  A man is even more likely to deny being abused, thanks to the ridiculous attitude society has that women can’t abuse men.  Many men would rather convince themselves it wasn’t abuse than to deal with the disrespect & disdain they will receive if they admit it was. 

Unfortunately such denials are normal for many victims of abuse.  I did it myself.  Growing up, I told myself & others my mother was simply overprotective of me, & my father needed me to take care of him rather than him take care of me.  I was in my late teens when I realized my mother wasn’t simply overprotective, & about thirty years old when I realized my father was abusive.

I thought today it would be a good idea to spell out some facts about abuse that are commonly ignored, minimized or denied to help people to face the truth about abuse in their life.  I know this is a painful thing to face, but it truly is better to face it!  Once you face it, you can start to heal.  The pain you feel at facing the truth is absolutely going to be worth it when you can heal.

It’s still abuse if it wasn’t physical.  Abuse comes in many forms.  Someone can abuse you even if he or she never hit you.  Harsh words, criticisms, intimidation, invalidation, mind games, forcing you to perform sexual acts in spite of you not wanting to, isolating you from friends & family, controlling your money, & twisting Scripture to claim God is angry with you are all examples of abusive behavior that is not physical.

It’s still abuse if your abuser apologized.  Abusers often apologize, claiming they won’t do what they did ever again.  For a while, they don’t.  Things are good.  Suddenly though, once they believe that you are comfortable again, they go back into old patterns.  An apology without genuine efforts to change bad behavior long term is still abuse.

It’s still abuse if your abuser told you they love you.  Abusers claim to love their victim.  Maybe some do on some level, but that doesn’t mean that abusing you is acceptable just because you think this person may love you.

It’s still abuse if your abuser was abused as a child.  The phrase, “hurting people hurt people” is often a lie said by abusers & their enablers as a way to excuse abusive behavior.  Countless children have been abused, yet grew up to become kind, compassionate people who would rather do anything but hurt another person.

It’s still abuse if your abuser has a mental illness.  There are relatively few people with a mental illness who truly don’t know right from wrong.  Unless your abuser is one of those few people, he or she is using mental illness as an excuse to abuse.

It’s still abuse if there were good times in your relationship with your abuser.  No relationship is completely abusive.  If so, abusers would be much easier to identify.  Good times are natural in a relationship with an abuser, but they don’t nullify the abusive behavior.

It’s still abuse if your abuser is your elderly parent.  People often are under the delusion that all older folks are sweet & kind, especially to their own family.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  There are plenty of lovely older folks, but not all of them are.  Many of them are as cruel to their adult children as they were when they were younger, they just changed their tactics a bit to adjust with their age.

It’s still abuse if your abuser is a relative.  Many people put family on a pedestal, as if it’s impossible for family members to abuse other.  I can tell you that this is a complete lie, because I have been abused by several of my family members.  Family members can be the worst abusers of all.

If you recognize some of these behaviors in someone that you are in a bad relationship with, then the relationship is abusive.  You have the right to protect yourself from this behavior.  Exercise that right!  Do what you have to in order to protect yourself from this person, even if it means ending the relationship.  If you don’t know what to do, pray.  Ask God to help you.  Learn all you can about toxic relationships.  Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, join online forums, read books.  Do whatever you have to do to learn about your toxic situation so you can formulate a plan on how to deal with the situation. 

The Toxic Love Languages Of Narcissists

Many people are aware of the wonderful book by Gary Chapman called, “The Five Love Languages.”  It’s all about helping the reader identify what makes him or her feel the most loved, & also identify those acts in others. 

The love languages in the book are as follows: words of affirmation (encouragement, complements, etc), quality time (when someone prioritizes uninterrupted time with you), acts of service (when someone goes out of their way to do nice gestures for you), gifts (when receiving gifts makes you feel loved) & physical touch (holding hands, kissing, cuddling & sex). 

Did you know there are toxic versions of these love languages?  There are!  And narcissists use them every day.  Being aware of them can help you to avoid people who behave this way.

Words of invalidation & criticism is a toxic love language.  Narcissists use their words as a way to tear down their victims & make them easier to control.  Naturally they don’t begin a relationship behaving like this.  They lavish praise on their victims.  Over time however, little negative comments suddenly appear.  Over time, more are added & more.  Suddenly their victim can do nothing right & is criticized for being upset that the narcissist says & does such cruel things to them.

Quality time isn’t a real thing with a narcissist.  One way narcissists make their victims feel inferior is to be distracted during their time together.  They may scroll endlessly through their phone, flip through the channels, or act bored.  This behavior lets their victims know they aren’t worth the narcissist’s time.  If the victim says something, the narcissist gets angry.  They say they care & the victim should know this or they can listen to the victim & do something else at the same time.  They become indignant that the victim doesn’t appreciate the fact the narcissist is spending time with them, even though that time is hardly good quality time.

Acts of service is a toxic love language in the hands of narcissists.  Narcissists have motives for every single thing they do & say.  If they do something for their victim, it will come with strings attached to it.  They won’t hesitate to remind their victim of the great sacrifices they have made for their victim.  Or, they demand their victim do anything they want, claiming if the victim really cares for them, they will do this.  When the victim does this thing, they claim that isn’t what they really wanted or the victim didn’t do it right.

Gifts are also used in toxic ways by narcissists.  Gifts are often used by narcissists early in a relationship as a way to lure victims in, & to make them feel obligated to the narcissist.  Also, if a victim gives a narcissist a gift, that gift won’t be good enough.  The victim will be shamed for their terrible gift & not loving the narcissist enough to give them something they really want.

Physical touch is only used for manipulation.  Narcissists love to use sex as a weapon.  Often early in their relationships, they are very passionate with their victims.  Then suddenly, that stops, leaving the victim confused.  They deny any problem, often claiming the victim is imagining things.  The victim knows that something is indeed wrong, so he or she tries harder to please & woo the narcissist.  Narcissists love this because it gives them a feeling of power & control.  They often use this time to get their victims to perform sexual acts that degrade the victim.  Victims in this place are vulnerable & willing to do about anything, so often narcissists get their way.

Being aware of these toxic versions of the five love languages can be very helpful in recognizing narcissists, so please remember them.

How Surviving An Abusive Childhood Manifests In Relationships

When you come from an abusive childhood, that can create a lot of dysfunction in your life, but in particular in your relationships.  Today, I want to discuss some of the ways that dysfunction plays out.  Recognizing the dysfunctional behaviors may be painful at first, but it will help you by showing where you need healing.  That is valuable knowledge!

Many abused children struggle with having relationships with any genuine intimacy.  Even with those they are closest to, they aren’t comfortable sharing their innermost thoughts, feelings. desires & dreams.   They may listen to the innermost thoughts, feelings, desires & dreams of those they love, but they still won’t share their own.  They also may change the subject or deny any negative feelings they have if questioned because they are terrified of being this vulnerable with anyone.  This behavior comes from having a parent or two who ignored, mocked or rejected their emotional feelings.  When the most important person in your life who is supposed to love you unconditionally ignores, mocks or rejects something about you, it’s only natural to be afraid other people will do the same.  It takes time, prayer & good, loving, safe people in your life to overcome this behavior.  It also helps to remember that any parent who would do this to their own child clearly was the problem, not the child!

Many abused children have an intense fear of abandonment.  When a child grows up with parents whose behavior was inconsistent & unpredictable, they become afraid they would be abandoned at any moment.  They also assume other people are the same way as their parent.  This fear manifests as a person being clingy with the people in their life, even to the level of being co-dependent.  It also can manifest as being controlling of others with whom they are in a relationship.  My mother was like this.  Her parents divorced when she was very young, & her mother was a narcissist who kept her from her father.  I believe that left her with a deep fear of abandonment that manifested as being very controlling of my father & I.  Conquering this fear of abandonment isn’t easy but it is possible.  The more a person heals & becomes more functional, the healthier their self esteem becomes naturally.  As a result, a part of that is a person becomes more willing to end toxic relationships even if that means they are lonely for a season.  They also begin to attract healthier people who won’t hurt or abandon them, which helps to heal that fear of abandonment.

When parents show their children that their love is conditional, based on the child’s behavior & accomplishments, those children become people pleasers.  Children in this situation assume that unconditional love doesn’t exist, & to be loved, they must earn love.  It’s as if it doesn’t occur to them that the other person in the relationship should earn love though – only they must be the one to earn love.  Unlearning people pleasing behavior is TOUGH!  I’ve been there.  I did find that the more I healed, the less prone to it I was.  I’ve also found that slowing down & asking yourself why you are saying “yes” when you want to say no, or volunteering to do something you want no parts of to be helpful. 

Most abused children have dysfunctional relationships with abusers.  Friends, coworkers & even romantic interests often use & abuse these children until they reach a point in their lives where they start to focus on their own healing.  Possibly the most difficult part of breaking this pattern of behavior is to stop beating yourself up for getting involved with such toxic people, in particular, if you married one of them.  Just remember, you did the best you could with what you knew at that time.  If you didn’t know to do better, how could you expect yourself to do better?  That would make as much sense as expecting a toddler to know how to replace a car’s engine! 

If you find yourself in these situations I have described, it’s ok!  There is hope for you!  Focus on your healing, & the healthier you get, the healthier your relationships naturally will get as well.  I have found God to be vital to my healing.  Psalm 23:4 says that God walks with us through “the valley of the shadow of death” & I firmly believe that to be true!  He will be there for you during the hard, painful times of healing as He was with me. You’re not alone.  Lean on Him & let Him help you to heal!

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When Narcissists Criticize You It Is About Them Not You

One of the cruelest things narcissists do to their victims is either saying or implying the most heartless, cruel things to their victims until their victims believe what the narcissist says about them is true.

What victims who are either currently being subjected to this or have recently escaped it don’t realize that the narcissist is lying.  They don’t believe a single word of what they say about their victims.  In fact, chances are that they find those things they criticize about their victims to be very good or enviable qualities.  If you think about what a narcissist has told you, you’ll probably see that this is what happened with you.

Did the narcissist tell you that you’re stupid?  Clearly you aren’t & others have admired your intelligence.  The narcissist had to beat you down by making you think you aren’t intelligent so that way you won’t realize what he or she is doing to you.

The same goes with your looks.  If a narcissist tells you that you’re too fat or thin, that’s a sign you have a great figure.  If they criticize your looks in general, they clearly have noticed other people either noticing how attractive you are or flirting with you.  Narcissists can’t handle their significant other thinking they are attractive.  That person might actually gain some self esteem & realize that they really can do much better than the narcissist if that were to happen.

If a narcissist criticizes some talent you have, that isn’t because you are doing something poorly or possess a talent that has no worth & value.  They may envy your talent, & since they can’t do it, they want to stop you from doing it too.

When a narcissist hates someone you love, that also isn’t because that person is a bad person.  Quite the opposite.  The narcissist recognizes that he or she loves you & is a good person.  My narcissistic ex husband hated my best friend & did his best to ruin our friendship.  I firmly believe it’s because he knew she saw the kind of person he really was, & was afraid she would talk me into leaving him.  This scenario happens all the time with narcissists.

This cruelty goes for any criticism the narcissist says.  They have various reasons for doing this beyond what I mentioned already.

Mostly when narcissists are critical, narcissists are trying to gain control over their victim.  If a person is beaten down enough by someone, they will relinquish control to that person because they feel they are incapable of doing much of anything.  Narcissists are extremely skilled at gaining control over people in this way.

Also, when a narcissist’s victim outshines them in any capacity, it threatens the narcissist’s ego.  They can’t handle such threats so they try to tear that victim down as a way to eliminate the threat.  I experienced this so much with my mother.  Anytime I received a complement in her presence, she would punish me for it.  Often, she would be angry with me, & become especially cruel with her criticisms.  Other times, she would tell me that the person who said that was stupid or had poor judgment.  Either way, the message was clear- I didn’t deserve the complement.  I needed to be put back in my place, which was definitely beneath her.

If you have been or are currently being subjected to the cruel, scathing criticisms of a narcissist, I hope you will remember what I have said.  Please don’t take what they say to heart, because what they say isn’t true!  It’s a lie said for the sole purpose of benefitting them somehow.

When Narcissistic In-Laws Say “You Stole My Son Or Daughter!”

In the years I’ve been writing about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I’ve talked to lots of people.  As if my own experience didn’t teach me enough, I’ve learned a lot more from the wonderful people who shared their stories with me.

One of the things I’ve learned about people with narcissistic in-laws is what I want to talk to you about today.

Narcissistic in-laws often are cruel to the spouse of their adult child in countless ways.  One of them is shaming that person for having complete control over their adult child.  This often manifests for others in the same way it did for me.  Like many others with narcissistic in-laws, I was accused of “stealing” my husband & keeping him from his family. 

For the sake of simplicity & also because it’s just fun to say it this way, I will refer to the accusers as “in-laws” & those of us who supposedly steal someone from their family as “outlaws.” 

Narcissistic in-laws must have things their way in every area, including in their children’s lives.  Many would prefer that child not marry, so that way, there is no interference in the control they have over their adult children.  If he or she does marry however, they need to marry someone of which the in-laws approve.  Marrying someone who doesn’t meet up to the in-laws’ standards means things will get ugly, in particular for the outlaw. 

In addition to the frequent scathing criticisms, excluding & shunning the outlaw, & a thousand other ways they let the outlaw know they are not good enough for this family. One thing almost all narcissistic parent in-laws or narcissistic siblings will say is that the outlaw stole the victim from his or her family.  Outlaws like me who are accused of this are almost always shocked since they are hardly controlling people, let alone manipulative enough to control their spouse.  Yet, the accusation is said anyway.

Chances are, when this outlaw talks to their spouse, the victim of the in-laws, he or she will defend the in-laws, minimize their behavior or even deny it entirely.  Naturally this causes a lot of problems in the marriage.

If you are in this situation of being an outlaw as I have been, I know it’s hard.  You definitely will need some ways to cope while minimizing the chances of the in-laws getting their way & destroying your marriage.

When you & your spouse discuss the in-laws, maintain a calm demeanor as much as you possibly can.  Showing your anger will make your spouse feel he or she must defend & protect the in-laws.  Staying calm minimizes the possibility of that happening so you can have an actual discussion about the problem.

Use logic & ask questions when your spouse defends the in-laws.  It is totally reasonable to ask why your spouse thinks it’s acceptable for your in-laws to do what they do to you both.  Ask why he or she doesn’t consider their behavior disrespectful to you, your spouse & your marriage.  Ask for examples of the bad behavior they accuse you of doing.  Expect answers, & don’t let your spouse avoid giving them.  Being forced to think about these things will hurt, so he or she most likely won’t want to give them, but it is vital.  He or she needs to see the truth of the situation in order to deal with it correctly.

If your spouse refuses to see the truth, you may be forced to sever all ties with the in-laws.  It won’t make your spouse happy, but you must protect your mental health & avoid these toxic people.  If you must do this, stick to your convictions & refuse to talk to them at all while not telling your spouse that they must choose you or their family.  The person who gives the ultimatum on these situations almost always ends up abandonded, which is why I say that. 

Most of all, pray, pray, pray!  In such a delicate situation, you need God’s wisdom & for Him to guide your timing & words.  Leaning on Him is the smartest thing you can do in this situation.

I truly wish you all the best in your situation, & am praying for you!

Why Children Of Narcissists Find Themselves In Many Toxic Relationships

Many people who were raised by narcissistic parents find themselves in other relationships with narcissists.  They work with them, they become friends with them & worst of all, they become romantically involved with them.  I am no exception.  I grew up with an overtly narcissistic mother & covertly narcissistic father.  There are a lot of narcissists in my family on both sides.  I married a covert narcissist that I divorced six years later.  I have lost count of how many covertly narcissistic friends I have had over my lifetime.

For a long time I wondered why this happened to me.  I thought maybe somehow I put out some sort of “vibe” that told people it was ok to abuse me.  Or, maybe narcissists just have some sort of sense for people that make good victims.  I think I have some ideas though & I hope they can help answer this question for you.

For those of us who grew up with narcissistic parents, we were born with a job.  That job was to take care of our narcissistic parents.  For some, it meant doing household chores well before an appropriate age such as cooking dinner or caring for younger siblings.  For others, it meant being a parent’s therapist of sort, listening to all of their woes, & comforting them when they were upset.  For still others, it meant protecting a covertly narcissistic parent from the rages & even physical assaults of the overtly narcissistic parent.  Whatever the scenario, the fact is being born with the job of caring for a narcissistic parent means you are used to caring for dysfunctional people.  This makes you gravitate to continuing that role in other relationships. 

This role often means getting into relationships with other narcissists.  If there is a narcissist in your vicinity, you will be drawn to that person like bees to honey.  You may feel sorry for this person because he or she has few or even no friends.  After some time passes, you see why that person had no friends!  Who wants to be friends with a narcissist?! 

Or this role could mean that you get involved with another child of narcissistic parents that isn’t facing that pain.  Maybe you fall in love with someone who seems great.  You’re comfortable together, & get along great.  They might even tell you they have this awesome family & can’t wait for you to meet them.  Then you meet his or her family & see the truth.  That awesome family is anything but.  There are narcissists everywhere!  If you say anything about the toxicity of this family, you are told you’re wrong, oversensitive, & more.  They are defended fiercely & you are left wondering how to help this person you love see the truth. 

If you have been in such situations, I know it can be frustrating.  Once you realize that you keep getting into dysfunctional relationships, you probably are going to beat yourself up a lot & question what is wrong with you.  That is normal!  It also is a waste of time & energy.  Instead, try to focus on healing from the abuse.  Healing naturally helps you to develop healthier boundaries, so when you meet someone without friends, you won’t try to befriend them immediately.  The more you heal too, the more healthy people will seem attractive to you & the more you’ll want to avoid the toxic ones.  As a bonus, the healthier you become, the more toxic people will leave you alone.  Toxic people want someone dysfunctional because that is someone they can use & manipulate.  Healthy people don’t tolerate such things.

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How You Can Help Victims Of Abuse

During the 1970’s, a young woman from Texas moved to Pennsylvania to attend college.  While living there, she fell in love.  The man was several years older than her & did not share her & her family’s conservative beliefs.  He convinced her to move in with him, much to the dismay of her family who disapproved of living together before marriage.  Eventually, the boyfriend killed her, stuffed her body in a steamer trunk & put her in a closet in their apartment!  Since the family lived so far from this young woman, they had no idea what happened to her.  The boyfriend was no help obviously, saying she left him, he didn’t know anything.  Eventually, the truth of his deeds was discovered.  

Aside from the obvious horror of this story, something struck me especially interesting.  The victim’s sister said that they had no idea until after her death that the boyfriend abused the victim.  She never told her family anything about his abusive ways, & living so far apart, they never saw her covered in bruises & injured.  The sister said if someone had just said something, this young woman might still be alive.

That is such a valid point!  Speaking up can make all the difference in the world!  Having survived an abusive upbringing & an abusive first marriage, I can tell you, when someone said, “How that person treats you is wrong”, it helped me tremendously.  Finally, I saw that I didn’t deserve what was being done to me.

I’m not saying every single person has to write about abuse like me or even try to change the laws.  I am saying though that if there are signs someone you know is being abused, speak up!  Physical injuries are obvious signs of course, but there are other signs.  If you’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse, you know those signs all too well.  Low or non-existent self esteem, constantly doubting one’s self, afraid to do anything the narcissist may disapprove of, doing nothing without the approval of the narcissist, depression, anxiety, being hyper-vigilant are some examples. If you see these signs in someone you know, talk to them when you can get them alone.  Ask if how their parent or partner treats them, if they are abusive.  Many victims will say no, yet be unable to explain why they act like they are being abused or excuse their abuser’s behavior.  They may say he is tired from working long hours, or she has been stressed lately so she’s been drinking a lot which explains her behavior, or some other lame excuse.  Many even blame themselves for making the abuser treat them so badly.  It’s so important to let a victim know that there is no excuse to abuse, & the abuser is in the wrong.  Tell them that they don’t deserve to be treated this way, too.  If you’ve been in a similar situation, tell your story.  Sometimes seeing things from a slightly different perspective can be very enlightening.

Whether the victim is trapped in an abusive marriage or the abuser is a parent, offer to help them escape.  Offer to let them stay with you anytime they need to get away.  If the victim is a child, check into what it takes to become an emancipated minor in your area & help them if they want to do that.  Offer to hide money & belongings for the victim until they are able to leave permanently.  Most importantly, pray for the victim.  Leaving an abusive relationship is so hard!  That person is going to need all of the prayers, support, love & help they can get!

If you see someone in need, maybe God put that person in your path so you can be the one to help them.  I know many people don’t want to get involved in these situations but if you don’t, it could cost someone their life, like the young lady I mentioned earlier in this post.

Another Helpful Tool For Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

Whether you are currently suffering at the hands of a narcissist or have suffered narcissistic abuse in the past, chances are you have questioned yourself.  Whether they are questions like, “Was the narcissist right about me?” or, “How could I have not seen what this person was really like before we got married?!” I will guarantee you have had many questions.  Pretty sure that is just a part of the experience of narcissistic abuse.  After all, narcissists want their victims to question themselves & never the narcissist. 

You can deal with those questions though & in such a way that it helps you to heal.  If you’ve followed my work for long, you know I always recommend starting with prayer.  I’m suggesting an effective addition to prayer, not a replacement for it.  I’m talking about using simple logic.

Whatever your question is, I strongly recommend asking God to help you to see the truth about the situation before you do anything else. Then, consider your question not from any emotional standpoint, but instead one of stone, cold, logic.  For example, let’s say you asked yourself how you could’ve missed the signs pointing to narcissism before you married your narcissistic spouse.  Consider the relationship as if you were watching someone else in this situation rather than yourself.  Are there any tell tale red flags of narcissism?  And, what was known about narcissism at that time?  If nothing, it is perfectly normal not to recognize the red flags.  It is also normal to be swept off your feet by a narcissist.  They are in their best behavior when in the beginning of a relationship.  They can be so skilled at seduction that even one who knows a great deal about narcissism can cast caution to the wind.

This type of thinking is also very useful when it comes to the narcissist’s criticisms.  Don’t think about how it makes you feel.  Instead, ignore any emotions attached to this for a few minutes.  Then, ask yourself what evidence there is that what this person says is true, & look at the situation objectively.  Is there evidence that you are as terrible as the narcissist says you are?

How about when the narcissist tries to convince you that your friends & family want nothing to do with you?  Is there evidence that this is true or is the only so-called evidence what the narcissist has told you?

By taking some time to pray, calm down, consider your situation without emotions to skew your thinking & look at it objectively, you can see the truth in the situation.  The truth is incredibly freeing & healing, which is why that is the goal.

Also, when I say you should ignore your emotions while considering your situation, please keep in mind I only recommend it temporarily.  Ignoring emotions isn’t a healthy thing to do for any length of time as a general rule.  They don’t go away but instead manifest in unhealthy ways.  Ignoring them for a very brief period of time to focus on truth & healing, & then dealing with the emotions once you learn what you need to know, is a healthy thing to do.

Admitting Your Relationship Is Abusive

People often struggle with admitting a relationship they are in is abusive.  They may say they don’t get along with someone, or that person is difficult, but the word “abusive” may be too hard for them to say. 

Although it may sound strange, I certainly understand it.  Admitting something makes it more real in the mind, & sometimes that thing is so painful, you don’t want it to be real.  When my granddad died, for a year after his death, I couldn’t say the words that he had died.  It hurt too much, & I didn’t want that to be real.  I wanted things as they had been, when we had such a loving & close relationship.  Losing what had been hurt tremendously, & felt like it was too painful to face.  Admitting a relationship you are in is abusive is very similar.  You want things to be like they once were, when things were good.  It hurts so much to admit that now, things aren’t like that anymore & in fact, they are really bad. 

I want you to know today that it’s ok to admit you are in an abusive relationship.  In fact, it is a good thing.  It is your first step to freedom from the abuse.

Being in an abusive relationship or even several abusive relationships doesn’t mean there is something terribly wrong with you.  Many other people have been in abusive relationships in their life.  It’s perfectly ok to admit that someone you love abuses you.  It is not a bad reflection on you!

Abusive people are known for making themselves irresistible to those they lure into romantic relationships.  They can appear charming, kind, & caring.  They can appear to share your beliefs, morals, likes & dislikes.  They claim their chosen victim is the one they’ve been waiting for their entire life, they have never met anyone as wonderful as their victim, & generally sweep their victim off their feet quickly, leaving them little or no time to recognize signs pointing to how toxic they truly are.  They are extremely skilled at just how to make themselves the most appealing to their victims & hiding their true selves.  By the time the abuser reveals his or her true self to the victim, the victim is head over heals in love with the abuser.  The victim doesn’t want to see that horrible true self or admit their abuser is truly abusive rather than the wonderful person he or she was at first.  Feeling that way is completely normal.  It still doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with or bad about admitting this relationship you are in is abusive, though.

Abusers also are extremely skilled at convincing their victims that they are the true problem in the relationship, not the abuser.  Abusers work very hard to get their victims to believe this so they can continue being abusive & their victims won’t protest.  Victims often believe that this is the case, that somehow they make the abuser hurt them.  That is never true however!  No one can force anyone to abuse them.  The choice to abuse lies squarely on the shoulders of abusers, never on victims.  Since you have nothing to be ashamed of, this means it’s perfectly ok to admit your relationship is abusive.

If you are in a bad relationship that you are hesitant to admit is abusive in spite of evidence of abuse, I want you to know it’s ok to admit it is abusive.  I know it will hurt by making that fact seem more real, but it will be worth it.  Once you accept that reality, you can decide what to do about the relationship from there & begin to heal.  The truth really does set us free in so many ways, & this is one of those ways.  Set yourself free & admit that your relationship is abusive. 

When A Toxic Relationship Shifts

In various relationships with the narcissists in my life, I remember a shift in their attitude with me.  It was always subtle, but I noticed it anyway.

My ex husband & I started dating during the second semester of eleventh grade.  By the end of the first semester of twelfth grade, he had become a bit distant.  We wrote notes often as many kids in the 80’s did, & suddenly his went from at least one or two a day to one every few days before suddenly stopping entirely.

Later in life, when I began pulling away from my parents & setting some boundaries, their attitudes became different.  My mother was obviously furious with me, but didn’t admit to it.  My father became controlling for the first time. 

I met my late mother in-law some months before my husband & I began dating, when we were just friends.  One day I was going to drive him to pick up a car he was buying.  I picked him up at his parents’ home, & although I could tell his mother didn’t particularly like me, she seemed somewhat friendly.  Once she realized we were dating, she became ice cold.  After we got married almost 4 years later, she became extremely vicious with me.

This sort of behavior is very common with narcissists.  No matter the type of relationship, at some point, there is a change in their attitude with the victim.  That change often comes about when the narcissist realizes the victim doesn’t want to lose the narcissist.  It also can happen when the victim starts to set boundaries or the narcissist sees the victim as a threat in some way.  Either way, narcissists want to make sure their victim behaves as they want.  What better way to do this than to abuse that victim?  They may make their victim feel so insecure, as if the relationship is bad & it’s all the victim’s fault.  They also may become controlling & manipulative, trying to make the victim feel as if they need to earn the narcissist’s affections.  They may make the victim feel as if it’s best to do whatever the narcissist wants rather than displease the narcissist & face their wrath.  The type of wrath naturally varies between overt & covert narcissists, but in either case it’s best not to face it, so many victims will do absolutely anything to avoid it.

The really horrible part of this is while this abuse happens behind closed doors, the narcissist continues to wear their mask to convince everyone else they are a wonderful person.  When a victim looks for advice & support, those who also know the narcissist often tell the victim how lucky they are to have such a wonderful person in their life.  That person loves the victim so much!  It must be nice having someone so loving in their life.  They’re lucky to have a parent or significant other care so much about them.  Such responses can leave a victim baffled & feeling as if they are the problem in the relationship. 

The result is the victim often stays in the relationship.  The victim feels utterly alone because no one believes them.  They believe the narcissist’s good guy/good girl act instead.  Victims learn quickly there isn’t any point in discussing the abuse because no one believes them.  Meanwhile, the abuse gets worse & worse.

Have you been in this situation?  Are you in it now?  If so, you’re not alone!  This is typical of relationships with narcissists. 

Don’t beat yourself up for getting yourself into this situation or tolerating too much from the narcissist.  Narcissists are experts at psychological warfare.  They can manipulate even the most brilliant of people because they are just that good at what they do. 

You also need to pray a lot.  God willingly gives wisdom to anyone who asks for it according to James 1:5, so ask for it!  He can help you to cope if you’re still in the situation or find ways to help yourself heal if you have escaped it.

Always remember that the treatment from the narcissist isn’t your fault.  Their actions are 100% their responsibility.  Don’t accept the blame for their behavior.  Don’t carry their shame for their actions.  Learn all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, healing from narcissistic abuse & about how to have healthy boundaries.  Take care of & protect yourself.

A Common Sign Of Narcissistic Abuse: Isolation

One very common sign of narcissism in adults is isolating their victims. 

Narcissistic parents can come across as over protective.  The truth though is that many forbid their children to spend time with or even speak to other people, even people within their own family.  If the children disobey, they are severely punished.  My mother raged terribly when I spent time with my now ex husband when we were in high school.  She also kept me close to her side when we visited family, not allowing me much time alone with my cousins or grandparents.

When children of narcissistic parents grow up, their parents often do their best to start trouble in their child’s friendships & even their marriage.  They often treat friends as if they are unworthy to speak to.  Some narcissistic parents tell their adult children outright that their spouse isn’t good enough while others demonstrate this is how they feel without saying the words by behaviors such as refusing to acknowledge the spouse’s birthday.  Other narcissistic parents will outright lie to their adult child about the spouse, such as claiming that spouse has been unfaithful or abuses their children.  From my observations, the majority of narcissistic parents do as my in-laws have done, & treat the spouse poorly behind the adult child’s back yet are nice to the spouse only when the adult child is around.  By doing this, when the spouse complains, the adult child doesn’t believe them because they only saw their parent being nice to them.  This causes a great deal of friction in a marriage & many marriages fail because of this behavior.  That of course is the goal.

While some use obviously controlling behaviors such as threats, most narcissistic spouses are more subtle in how they isolate their victims.  They plant seeds of doubt in their spouse’s minds about people they want out of their spouse’s life.  My ex husband told me my best friend wasn’t a good friend to me & didn’t really care about me.  He said the same about my wonderful grandparents.  He obviously disapproved of me having people in my life who could see through his toxic behavior.  My best friend & I went our separate ways for years & I stepped out of my grandparents’ life for years too because of him.  On a side note, I’m happy to say he is out of my life, & my best friend is back in it.  My grandmother died not long after I left my grandparents’ life, unfortunately.  I did reconnect with my grandfather though & had 3 good years with him before he passed away.

The reason narcissists isolate their victims is because an isolated victim is easy to control.  Isolated people don’t have good people in their lives who will tell them that the way they are being treated is wrong, they deserve better or that they don’t have to tolerate such behavior which means they’ll tolerate the abuse.  They don’t have good people who will help them to escape the abuse or to help them heal which often leaves them in the position of feeling that they have no way to escape.  Without such good people in a person’s life, it can be very easy to accept abuse.  A person often even loses the desire to leave the abusive relationship, because they are so beaten down by their abuser either physically or emotionally or both. 

If this describes your situation, know that you are NOT alone!  I would dare say almost every victim of narcissistic abuse has been in this situation.  Don’t let that be a reason to stay in the situation though.  Reach out however you can.  Online forums are a great way to meet others who understand.  I have a Facebook group full of caring, understanding & supportive people.  There are many others as well, & not just on Facebook. 

If the narcissist monitors your online activities, then talk to someone else, such as your doctor or pastor.  Call a crisis hotline, preferably a domestic violence one.  They should be able to help or at the very least point you in the direction of help available to you in your area either to help you escape the narcissist or at least find safe people to talk to.  Isolation is a form of abuse, & you deserve better than to be abused!

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Demanding Partners

Being romantically involved with a demanding partner is a miserable experience.  It’s not something I could do ever again!  If you are wondering what is happening with your partner, I hope to help you understand him or her better today & find ways to cope.

Demanding partners expect their partners’ lives to revolve around theirs.  If the partner makes plans or buys something without checking first with the demanding partner, the demanding partner is clearly offended & angry.

Demanding partners are entitled, & expect the world to revolve around them.  If both partners have a need, the demanding partner’s needs always come first even if the other partner’s need is equally or even more important. 

Demanding partners expect to be in charge.  They have final say in what friends they have, what cars the couple buys, where they live & even what they do for holidays.  What their partners say is irrelevant, because clearly a demanding partner is the only one who is allowed to make decisions.

Demanding partners who don’t get their way act like spoiled, pouting children.  They get angry & accuse others of being thoughtless, insensitive, selfish & more.  Or, they use passive/aggressive tactics such as the silent treatment, deliberately forgetting to do things for their partner or doing those things badly.

Demanding partners don’t like to be inconvenienced in any way.  If they have to wait on their partner, they get angry.  If their partner asks a favor of them, they may do it, but clearly resent being burdened by the request even when the favor is a small one.

Demanding partners have bad tempers.  The slightest thing can make them disproportionately angry, & not only with their partners.  Being cut off in traffic, someone accidentally butting in line in front of them at the grocery store or a co worker getting a raise can trigger their rage just as easily as their partner forgetting to do something for them.

Demanding partners are exhausting!  Being with someone like this means you have to work hard constantly if you want to keep them happy.  You have to do for them & anticipate their needs & wants.  You have to expect no gratitude for your efforts, only more demands.  You also may have to hear about how you never do anything for this person, you can’t do anything right, you should try harder, & for them to change their minds about what they want on a constant basis. 

If this describes your partner, then my heart truly goes out to you!  It is a miserable way to live! 

If you have tried speaking to your partner about this behavior, how does he or she react?  If your partner is upset by the fact their behavior has hurt you, this is a good sign!  Sometimes people are so caught up in the busyness of their life or some emotional pain that they behave in very selfish & insensitive ways.  People like that can change if they want to, & seeing someone they love hurting because of their actions is a great motivator for them. 

If your partner responds by being defensive or trying to deflect the conversation onto your faults, this is a huge red flag.  That is a sign of seriously dysfunctional, if not narcissistic, behavior.  You are going to need to decide whether or not this relationship is worth continuing.