Characteristics Of Unsafe People

Not all unsafe people are narcissists.  Unfortunately, those of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse can be so focused on spotting & avoiding narcissists that we don’t notice traits in your garden variety unsafe people.  It can be all too easy to overlook some unsafe qualities because if you compare them to narcissistic traits, they don’t seem all that bad.  That doesn’t mean that these people are ok, however.  It just means they aren’t as unsafe as narcissists.  They still can cause frustration, hurt & pain.

Below is a list of traits of unsafe people I have compiled.

Unsafe people can come on too strong.  Granted, narcissists do this, so it is at the very least a sign of an unsafe person, if not a narcissist.  Watch out for anyone who says, “You’re going to be my best friend!” about as soon as you meet, or someone you date who starts discussing marriage almost immediately.  Being so clingy simply isn’t normal.

Unsafe people also avoid facing their own problems, & will do about anything to avoid it.  When my father was dying, my family & even strangers came out of the woodwork to attack me for not being there to say good bye, as I’ve said before.  It went on for months but happened daily for his final three weeks when he was in the hospital.  I asked God why this was happening & He told me something interesting.  Some people were in deep denial.  They didn’t want to face their own past abuse.  Me not being there threatened their denial.  I have been open about the abuse in my past, & me having the strength to face it made them feel bad for not doing the same.  They felt they had to shut me down & make me do what they felt I should do so they could continue that denial.  Rather than face difficult issues, many people will go even to such extremes to maintain their denial.

Unsafe people have no interest in improving themselves.  Safe people want to learn & grow, lose bad habits, & other good things.  Unsafe people couldn’t care less about such things.

Unsafe people act like they know everything.  You can’t tell an unsafe person anything, because they know it all.  They aren’t open to any knowledge, not only knowledge about how to improve themselves.

Unsafe people also become defensive at constructive criticism.  Constructive criticism can help a person learn, grow & improve him or her self.  Naturally this is a huge turn off to unsafe people since they have no interest in doing any such things.

When an unsafe person hurts another person, chances of accepting responsibility for their actions, a genuine apology & changed behavior are very, very slim.  If you tell someone that something they said or did hurt you, & they act this way, it is a huge red flag saying this person is unsafe.

Unsafe people also demand trust rather than accepting the fact trust is earned.  So many people say, “You can trust me” that it isn’t often noticed.  It’s something that needs to be noticed, however!  A healthy, safe person knows trust is earned, not given on demand.

Unsafe people can be very selfish.  I don’t mean in a narcissistic way, where every single thing has to come back to them & they rage if it doesn’t.  Not all selfish people are malicious, they are simply thoughtless.  Even so, their selfishness can hurt you.  If this happens & the person accepts responsibility, apologizes & their behavior changes, this is a very good sign that this person is safe.  If none of that happens, however, this person is unsafe.

Unsafe people can be demanding of your time.  Part of the selfishness factor, unsafe people want to monopolize your time.  Naturally, not everyone who wants to spend time with you is unsafe.   Good friends & loved ones naturally want to spend time with each other.  Extroverts love to spend time with people.  The key to recognizing an unsafe person in this area is someone who pretty much demands you spend time together when they want, & either acts offended or gives guilt trips when you are unavailable.

I believe these tips can help you to recognize unsafe people easily.  And, when you come across them, always remember to keep your boundaries firmly in place, & be ready to enforce them as needed.

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About Those Who Write About Narcissism

I never, ever want to come across as someone who trashes other authors, especially those who write about the same topics I do.  I realize we all have our different views even on the same topic, & honestly, I think that’s pretty cool!  Different people can have different ideas & views, so I think it’s great when a person finds an author they can relate to, even if it’s not me.  The most important thing is that people find the help they need.

That being said..

Recently I was scrolling Facebook & saw a meme from one blogger with whom I’ve had issues.  We were friends on Facebook several years ago, & followed each other’s blogs.  A couple of months into our new friendship, I began to see some signs of narcissism.  I hoped I was just being paranoid, but I kept looking for whatever the truth was.  Then one day, her mask came off.  She disagreed with something I said in a blog post & proceeded to tell me how wrong I was.  Some of my regular readers disagreed with her & told her that.  She then blocked & unfriended me.  Mind you, I wasn’t even online at the time & didn’t know this was happening until hours later.. yet, she still was mad at & blamed me.

This, Dear Readers, is why I try to remind you fairly often not to blindly follow or believe in anyone, not even me.  Not that I don’t appreciate having fans.  I really do appreciate every single one of you.  The truth is though that we all are imperfect.  We may share something we honestly think is true only to find out later it isn’t.  Or, we may share some advice that helped us but it may not help you simply because of the differences in our personalities.

Plus, there are some who write about narcissism that are narcissists.  I admit, I haven’t seen that often, but I have seen it, such as in the story I told earlier.  Narcissists are attracted to helping professions such as police, teachers, pastors, therapists & more.  It makes sense they would want to write to reach others & manipulate them that way.  There’s also the admiration factor.  If someone has been helped by something you wrote, that person is going to admire you.  That is a nice ego boost to anyone, but it’s huge narcissistic supply to a narcissist.

If you start to follow someone on social media or a blog who writes about narcissism, there are some red flags to narcissism to look for.

How does the person interact with his or her readers?  The blogger I mentioned?  Her followers had almost a cult/cult leader relationship with her.  Regulars never disagreed with her.  If a new follower dared to disagree, the regular followers got angry with the one who disagreed.  She would diffuse the situation eventually, but came across smug when she did, saying things like that person just doesn’t know any better because they haven’t been through what she (the blogger) has.  The person who disagreed would disappear quickly.

Another red flag is does the person constantly brag, even in a subtle way.  The blogger I mentioned did that constantly.  She mentioned on a regular basis how many people looked to her for advice, including mental health professionals (she wasn’t one, just FYI).

An attitude of superiority with readers is not good either.  Granted, most of us who have been writing about NPD have been doing so for a long time & know a lot.  That being said though, we don’t know everything, & if we’re smart, we’re well aware of that!  Also, watch how this person answers questions.  A narcissist will act like the question is stupid, or she is too good to have time to respond to such a question, whereas the average person won’t act that way.

This blogger also only shared memes that she made of things she has said or articles she has written.  That was a big red flag, because I’ve never seen that with any other blogger or author.  Most want to help people, & will share helpful memes & articles often, no matter who has written them.

Unfortunately, it’s impossible to avoid narcissists entirely.  At least you can be aware of the subtle signs of narcissism people exhibit online so you know who you need to avoid.

How To Identify A Narcissist Online

Most of us know how to identify narcissists in real life- the haughty attitude is a clear sign of an overt narcissist, while the sweet, innocent act as the person is trying to manipulate you is a giveaway that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.  Unfortunately, when you participate in social media or in online forums, detecting narcissists isn’t so easy.  Online verses in person gives significant disadvantages.  In person, you can read body language or voice tones, but online, such helpful clues are unavailable.  This means the clues are much more subtle.

So how can you identify a narcissist simply via online contact?

First, if a person doesn’t ask how you’re doing, what’s going on in your life, or similar questions, that is a red flag.  Even people who aren’t close will usually ask questions about the other person’s life.  Maybe not every single time, sometimes people have an off day, but if not asking anything about you is the norm?  Red flag!

Second, a narcissist isn’t open to hearing the views of others on any topic.  Politics, religion, relationships.. the narcissist knows it all, & if you don’t believe that, just ask the narcissist..

Third, narcissists don’t “agree to disagree.”  If you disagree with a narcissist, she will take offense.  If she disagrees with you, then you need to hear about how wrong you are.

Closely related to the previous point, narcissists will beat you to death with their opinion if they feel you aren’t hearing them.  I had a dream once I wrote about here that made this point clear to me.  I recommend you read about it- the dream clearly demonstrated this point to me.

Narcissists also have absolutely no interest in what you have to say.  You can tell a narcissist anything, no matter how important, & they won’t care. If it doesn’t directly affect a narcissist, it doesn’t matter to a narcissist.

And, narcissists aren’t humble.  If you give one a complement, you won’t hear “Thank you!”  They instead come across with this attitude of “It’s about time you noticed”  You’ll be lucky if they give you a little smiley face in response…

What Is Your Name?

Your name is important.  It is your identity, after all.  In Biblical times, people took great care in naming their children, much more than today.  Names also were changed to show important changes in life, such as in the case of Abraham & Sarah in Genesis 17.

These days, that seldom happens, however I believe it can be beneficial to do in many cases of surviving abuse.  I have read some stories of survivors changing their names recently.  I haven’t legally changed mine, but the changes feel good anyway!

Although my parents named me Cynthia, they always have called me Cindy.  My mother claims this is the correct spelling, & makes fun of those who spell the name another way, such as Cindi, Cyndi, etc.

I’ve never liked Cindy.  To me, that name represents the person my mother created- someone dysfunctional, with no self esteem, my mother’s puppet.  I don’t like her at all!  Cynthia, however, I like much more.  I created her- she is strong, independent & not my mother’s puppet.

Asking others to call me Cynthia changed my life.  When I started going by Cynthia, I started growing stronger.  It felt much more comfortable, & enabled me to separate completely from my narcissistic mother.  I finally started to become the person God wants me to be rather than my mother’s puppet.  On a funny note, I even developed a slight Southern accent, like my dad & his family.  It highly annoys my Northern born mother.

What about you?  Does hearing your name or a nickname make you cringe because of the bad memories attached to it?  If so, that name is yours!  Change it if you want to!  It is your right!  Ask God what to do if you’re unsure.

If you do decide to change your name in any way, some people won’t understand or like it.  I had an old friend & some relatives flatly refuse to call me Cynthia.  Interestingly, those relationships ended shortly after.  I realized healthy people had no problem with my request, they just wanted me to be happy.

Also, I opted not to tell my parents.  I really didn’t want to hear the nasty comments or fight about my name.  You too will have to decide if you can handle your parents’ negative reaction.

Lastly, if you opt to change your name legally, talk to a lawyer or research the laws in your state.  It is often an easy process, but many details will follow.  You’ll have to change your driver’s license, mortgage or lease, social security card, medical records & much more.

Changing your name is a big decision, but one well worth considering.