About People Who Act Like They Know Everything Versus The Truly Intelligent.

One of my biggest pet peeves stems from my narcissistic ex husband.  He acted as if he was highly intelligent, intellectually superior to most other people, but me in particular.  I believe this behavior was partly to let me know he believed that I was stupid so I wouldn’t make him look so smart, as well as a way he could try to convince himself that he was as brilliant as he acted. 

This type of behavior is pretty typical of narcissists who are insecure about their intelligence.  Sadly it also can happen with people who aren’t narcissists, yet are insecure about their intelligence.  One person I know is very intelligent, but comes across as a know it all.  It stems from insecurity.  He grew up with a mother who treated him for years as if he was special, then suddenly treated him like dirt.  Going from one extreme to the other in his formative years obviously did some damage, which is only natural.

Thankfully, I have known many more people who truly are intelligent & were humble about it.  I’ve also known ones who weren’t exceptionally intelligent yet felt no need to portray themselves in any other light or make other people feel badly about themselves.  All of these people were secure in who they were. 

I firmly believe that security is one of the hallmarks of truly intelligent people, no matter their IQ.  People like this know that everyone is different, & no one is better or worse than other people.  They also know that a person’s IQ or education isn’t everything.  They know that person can be highly intelligent yet not have graduated high school or have an IQ of 160.  A truly intelligent person has common sense, not simply book knowledge or the ability to learn things at record speed.

Another hallmark of someone who is genuinely intelligent is they don’t feel the need to brag or show off.  There’s an old saying… you never see advertisements for Rolls Royce cars.  They know their worth & value, so they don’t have to advertise it.  That goes for people as well.  A person who knows their true worth won’t try to convince other people of it.  And, a person who is intelligent won’t brag about their intelligence.

They also don’t feel the need to put other people down, making those people look stupid & making themselves look smarter.  They have the sense to realize that type of behavior is not going to make them good, & it’s going to hurt the other person.

A really subtle but wonderful sign of intelligence is when an intelligent person explains something to others, they don’t make those people feel badly or stupid for asking questions.  Instead, they have a way of making the person asking feel that their question is important, valuable & yes, even smart. 

If you are faced with someone who acts as if they are much more intelligent than you, I hope you remember what I have said today.  It can be easy to fall victim to feeling stupid around someone who appears obviously smarter than you, especially if you’re insecure or have been a victim of narcissistic abuse.  But, if you pay attention to the person’s behavior, it shouldn’t take you long to realize what this person is all about.  A person who makes you feel inferior most likely feels that they are the inferior one to you instead of you being inferior to them.

Why Narcissists Play Dumb

There are some people who believe that narcissists dumb.  Too dumb to realize what they are doing is hurtful, too dumb to know any better, that sort of thing.  Covert narcissists in particular will act the part well even though the truth is they are far from dumb.  Many are extremely intelligent but hide it by being very good at playing dumb. 

Playing dumb works very well for narcissists.  People learn not to expect much from them, because if they aren’t smart, they won’t know what to do or how to do things.  This means these narcissists can relax while others do for them without complaint.

Narcissists who convince others they are dumb also can get away with pretty much any behavior because people think they don’t know any better.  They can do something hurtful, then claim they didn’t know what they did would hurt the victim or they didn’t realize that what they did was wrong.  Since narcissists are convincing actors, they may even shed a few tears.  As a result, their victim will feel they are wrong for being upset with the narcissist, & forgive them for whatever they did.  My late mother in-law did this one.  She used to go through my purse if I left it unsupervised.  Once, she left money in it.  It felt to me like she was doing that so I’d let her keep snooping through my purse, & I was livid.  When my husband confronted her, I overheard her saying she had no idea I’d be upset by that.  She said she just had all this extra cash lying around & she didn’t know what else to do with it.  She acted as if she was hurt that I was upset with her.  She appeared to be the victim in this situation & I was looked at badly for being angry at her.

Someone who isn’t smart would not have come up with handling a situation in this way.

If you ever have doubts that the narcissist in your life truly isn’t very smart or is unaware of just how bad their behavior is, then think about it for a few minutes.  Try not to let your emotions get involved.  Simply think about what this person does & how they do things.  Does the narcissist in your life behave one way when you two are alone & very differently when someone else is with you two?  That proves he or she knows what they’re doing is wrong.  Someone who truly doesn’t know their actions are wrong won’t try to hide them.  Is this person manipulative, able to get others to do whatever they like?  Does this person say they don’t know how to do something when you know perfectly well that they do know how to do it or things that are much more complicated?  These are signs that the narcissist is smart.  No one can be stupid yet highly manipulative.  It takes intelligence & the ability to read & understand people to be manipulative.

The next time you are forced to deal with a narcissist who acts as if they just don’t know any better or they didn’t realize their actions were hurtful or wrong, don’t believe the act.  True narcissists do know what they are doing, & they do what they do because it gets them what they want.  They aren’t naïve about their behavior.  The truth is that sometimes they don’t care that their actions hurt others & other times they get great pleasure out of hurting others.  That isn’t naiveté.  That is evil.

About Emotional Intelligence Shaming

The definition of emotional intelligence is the ability to be aware of, express, & control one’s emotions.  It also includes the ability to handle relationships with empathy & fairness.  People with a high degree of emotional intelligence are often kind, fair, understanding & tolerant of the mistakes of others while not tolerant of abuse.

Narcissists hate emotionally intelligent people.  There are many various reasons they can feel this way.  Possibly the main reason is because narcissists are very emotionally unintelligent, & therefore can’t understand the emotionally intelligent so they hate them. Narcissists understanding the emotionally intelligent would be like the average person trying to understand how geniuses like Einstein thought.  It would be impossible… although the average person at least wouldn’t hate him for his intelligence.

Another & even more likely scenario is because emotionally intelligent people aren’t easily fooled or manipulated.  Narcissists want to fool & manipulate their victims so they can get whatever they like from them.  Emotionally intelligent people have good boundaries & they understand people.  This makes it nearly impossible to fool & manipulate them.  It may happen briefly, but it won’t happen long.  This makes them very unnerving for narcissists.

For the emotionally intelligent person in this situation, the narcissist & their flying monkeys will be incredibly shaming.  They come up with all kinds of ridiculous things to say to the victim in order to shame them into compliance.  In Christian circles, often the Bible is twisted around for the purpose of shaming the victim: “If you remember, the Bible says to honor your parents!”, “Wives should submit to their husbands!” & “Love covers a multitude of sins!” are some examples of Scriptures being used to shame victims into tolerating abuse.  When Scripture isn’t used, the ridiculousness doesn’t get any better.  People try to shame the victim by saying equally stupid comments such as, “You need to forgive & forget!” “That’s in the past…”,“That’s just how she is.”, “You need to understand her better.” & “But he was abused by his parents!!”

Comments like these can create a great deal of conflict & confusion in someone victimized by a narcissist.  A person who is emotionally intelligent however, isn’t conflicted & confused.  They recognize the bad behavior for what it is, & have no problem calling out the people who say these things.  

If this happens to you, a very helpful thing you can do is remember what type of person is saying these things.  You aren’t dealing with another emotionally intelligent person.  They don’t say such stupid, heartless comments.  You also can ask God to tell you the truth about this situation, & ask if they were right in what they said.

It also helps to look objectively at your situation & ask yourself does what this person said to you make any sense?  If you can’t seem to look at the situation objectively, I know a trick that can help.  Pretend a friend has told you of this same situation happening to them.  Doing this can help you feel disconnected enough to look more objectively at your situation.  

Please remember to be proud of being the emotionally intelligent person you are.  Narcissists & their flying monkeys only criticize it because it means you see through their abuse.  Don’t accept their shame! The shame belongs to them & you have no reason to carry it!

Emotional Intelligence Shamers

The definition of emotional intelligence is the ability to be aware of, express, & control one’s emotions.  It also includes the ability to handle relationships with empathy & fairness.  People with a high degree of emotional intelligence are often kind, fair, understanding & tolerant of the mistakes of others while not tolerant of abuse.

Narcissists hate emotionally intelligent people.  There are various reasons they can feel this way.  Possibly because narcissists are very emotionally unintelligent, & therefore can’t understand the emotionally intelligent they hate them.  Narcissists understanding the emotionally intelligent would be like the average person trying to understand how geniuses like Einstein thought.  It would be impossible… although the average person at least wouldn’t hate him for his intelligence. 

Another & even more likely scenario is because emotionally intelligent people aren’t easily fooled or manipulated.  Narcissists want to fool & manipulate their victims so they can get whatever they like from them.  Emotionally intelligent people have good boundaries & they understand people.  This makes it nearly impossible to fool & manipulate them.  It may happen briefly, but it won’t happen long.  This makes them terrible victims of narcissistic abuse.

For the emotionally intelligent person in this situation, the narcissist & their flying monkeys will be incredibly shaming.  They come up with all kinds of ridiculous things to say to the victim in order to shame them into compliance.   In Christian circles, often the Bible is twisted around for the purpose of shaming the victim: “If you remember, the Bible says to honor your parents!”  “Wives should submit to their husbands!”  “Love covers a multitude of sins!”  When Scripture isn’t used, the ridiculousness doesn’t get any better.  People try to shame the victim by saying equally stupid comments such as, “You need to forgive & forget!” “That’s in the past…”  “That’s just how he is.”  “You need to understand her better.”  “But he was abused by his parents!!”

Comments like these can create a great deal of conflict & confusion in someone victimized by a narcissist.  A person who is emotionally intelligent however, isn’t conflicted & confused.  They recognize the bad behavior for what it is, & have no problem calling out the people who say these things.  It can hurt though & can be rather hard not to take the shaming personally sometimes.

If this happens to you, a very helpful thing you can do is remember what type of person is saying these things.  You aren’t dealing with another emotionally intelligent person.  They don’t say such stupid, heartless comments.  Then ask God to tell you the truth & ask if they were right in what they said. 

It also helps to look objectively at your situation & ask yourself does what this person said to you make any sense?  If you can’t seem to look at the situation objectively, I know a trick to help.  Pretend a friend has come to you & told you of this same situation happening to them.  Doing this can help you feel disconnected enough to look more objectively at your situation. Please remember, Dear Reader, to be proud of being the emotionally intelligent person you are.  Narcissists & their flying monkeys only criticize it because it means you see through their abuse.  Don’t accept their shame!  The shame belongs to them & you have no reason to carry it!