Misconceptions About Introverts

Being an introvert means being someone who recharges through solitude & who prefers it to the company of large groups of people.  It’s really that simple, yet in spite of that, introverts are often a very misunderstood bunch.

Being an introvert myself, I have plenty of experience in this area.  One example that comes to mind is how extroverts who haven’t bothered to get to know me have mistakenly thought I believe that I’m a snob who thinks I’m much better than them simply because I’m quiet & reserved when around most people.  Another misconception is people assume all introverts are weird.  The majority of people who assume this do so simply because we don’t divulge a lot of information about ourselves to those who aren’t very close to us, so they fill in the blanks with what they think.

Those misconceptions can be annoying, but after being subjected to them my whole life, I’ve come to accept people think that way.  It no longer upsets me like it once did.  There is one misconception that still bothers me to no avail & I can’t seem to change my feelings on it however.  That is that introverts need to do the majority of the work in relationships, & when they fail to meet the other person’s expectations, they are criticized harshly for it.  I don’t see this as a common misconception for all introverts, but I have noticed it happens mostly with those who have suffered narcissistic abuse.

Those of us who have suffered at the hands of a narcissist were made to feel responsible for that relationship.  We were to please that person at all times, be there for them & basically be & do anything that person wanted.  Even after the relationship has ended, sometimes long after, we tend to be people pleasers.  People pleasers are naturally the ones who are given the task of maintaining relationships in their lives. 

While this often happens naturally, that doesn’t mean the behavior is right.  It isn’t. 

Relationships should be full of love, care for & compassion for each other.  It’s not fair to expect a person to treat you that way if you aren’t willing to treat them the same way. Being the one responsible for calling the other person, planning activities together & everything else in the relationship is exhausting.  Those things should be shared among both people in a relationship, not only one person’s responsibility! 

If you know an introvert who hasn’t contacted you in a while, it might be time to consider your behavior with that person.  Are you expecting them to do most or all of the work in the relationship?  If so, it’s time to apologize to this person & make some changes!  If not, then rather than get angry with the introvert for pulling away, think about that person.  There are a plethora of reasons an introvert may pull away in relationships, & the reasons aren’t always personal.

Sometimes, introverts get overwhelmed with life & need space from everyone.  It doesn’t mean they’re angry or hurt.  They just need some space to recharge.

Sometimes, introverts just don’t think about reaching out.  Again, it’s not personal.  It may mean they have a lot on their minds, are working extra hours, have someone else in their life in need of their attention more than you, they might simply be tired or sick or for some reason reaching out simply hasn’t crossed their mind.  I am this way & got worse after a brain injury.  I don’t think about calling friends all that often.  It doesn’t mean I don’t care.  Far from it!  I do care, & think of them often.  My brain just doesn’t seem to make the connection between good thoughts of them & picking up the phone for some reason. 

If you’re an introvert & in the position of being treated as if you are responsible for the relationships in your life, know that you are NOT solely responsible for those relationships.  You have every right to set boundaries & to expect people to treat you with respect, love & compassion.  If they can’t, then you also have the right to remove such people from your life.  It won’t make you a bad person.  It’ll make you a person with healthy self respect!

Introverts Aren’t “Broken”

Since many children of narcissistic parents are introverted, I thought I would share this for you, my fellow introverts.

 

I’ve seen a great deal lately about introverts & how people try to get us out of our shell.  Teachers tell parents that although their child is a good student, she doesn’t participate enough.  Friends say you “need to get out more” or suggest ways you can incorporate more people into your daily life.  Things like this can leave the introvert feeling bad about herself, feeling flawed because she prefers to read over attending big parties.  This is so wrong!

 

People often fail to realize is being an introvert doesn’t mean you’re broken.  Introversion isn’t a disease in need of a cure or a horrible flaw in need of improvement.  Introversion is simply a personality trait, like having a good sense of humor.

 

Introverts don’t hate people.  Introverts hate spending a great deal of time around people.  There is a difference.

 

While extroverts get energy by being around people, introverts get energy by being alone.  The way an extroverts feel after attending a party is how an introvert can feel after spending an afternoon alone, lost in a good book.  Same results, just different means of getting those results.  One is no better or worse than the other, simply different.

 

If you’re an introvert, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!  I know it can be hard, but ignore those who try to make you feel “wrong” or “broken” because you’d rather spend your afternoon with a book than surrounded by people.  If you have friends who make you feel that way, then maybe it’s time to find new friends.  People who don’t judge or criticize you, try to change you & accept you the way you are are a true blessing.  I have been blessed with people like this in my life.  My best friend & I are extremely compatible, because when we hang out, neither of us gets offended if the other says, “I need some introvert time.. mind if we call it a day?”  We understand each other’s introverted nature, & although we always have fun together, we also know sometimes alone time is our best friend.  If you’re an introvert, you need at least one friend like this!

 

Dear Reader, I hope you embrace your introverted nature rather than hate it.  There is no shame in being an introvert whatsoever.  Enjoy it!  Introverts unite!  (in small groups.. for very limited periods of time..lol)

 

 

 

Covert Narcissists, aka Introverted Narcissists

Periodically, I like to post about the signs of a covert narcissist.  Everyone knows about overt narcissists, but there just isn’t much information on their covert counterparts.  Today, I want to share some warning signs of covert narcissists.

 

They are terrible listeners.  When having a conversation with a covert narcissist, it is painfully obvious they want you to shut up so they can resume talking.  They look bored.  They pretend they’re going to talk as you start to talk, then obviously stop talking, acting as if you interrupted them.  They try to hurry your conversation up.

 

They create a false image of themselves.  Covert narcissists are not as obvious in their delusions of grandeur like overt narcissists.  They may even say depreciating things about themselves such as “I can’t do that.. I’m not talented.”  “I’m not very smart.”  This false image of modesty often makes people complement them & provide narcissistic supply when they make such comments.  Some pretend to be stupid, when in fact they are quite intelligent, so people will take care of them & protect them.  Others do for the people in their life to create the image of the self-sacrificing martyr who never thinks of herself.

 

They are smug.  Narcissists look down on other people, whether they are covert or overt, but coverts are quieter about it.  They may not tell a person flat out that they are better than the victim, but the victim knows this is how that person feels anyway.  Covert narcissists have a look that conveys the message well.  Or, they compare you unfavorably to someone else.  My mother in-law told me how disappointed she was my husband married me instead of someone he used to date, which left me feeling not good enough to be a part of her family.

 

Covert narcissists have no empathy.  Like their overt counterparts, covert narcissists have zero empathy.  They don’t care about your pain unless it directly affects them.  If you cry in their presence, they will look at you blankly.  If there is a witness, the covert narcissist might offer you a hug or some kind words, but that is only to make the witness think well of them.  They really don’t feel any empathy for you whatsoever.

 

Always the victim.  Covert narcissists are always the victim.  If they hurt you, & you confront them, you are mean/unreasonable/abusive/etc.  They’ll even bring out the fake tears to attempt to make you feel guilty.

 

Covert narcissists fake apologize.  On the off chance you get an apology from a covert narcissist, it is obviously fake.  They don’t understand why what they did was wrong, but they feel forced to apologize to appease you & keep you providing their narcissistic supply.  When there’s no way to get around that apology, it can be either passive/aggressive (“I’m sorry you feel that way”) or by saying things they think you would want to hear.  Chances are, they’ll be dead wrong on what they think you want to hear, too.

 

They are extremely sensitive.  Narcissists are all sensitive to any criticism, real or imagined, but covert narcissists are the worst.  Any slight from you can have them crying about how cruel you are.

 

 

Are Introverts Normal?

One thing I have learned about adult children of narcissistic parents is the majority of us are introverts.  Introverts keep to themselves, like quiet activities, are focused & intelligent, prefer deep to superficial relationships & conversation, often have only a few interests but explore those interests deeply, & gain energy from alone time rather than from other people.

Extroverts are the exact opposite, & much more common.  As a result, the life of an introvert can come with challenges.  Some people think there is something very wrong with introverts, & will try to change them.  They may believe the introvert is depressed, & constantly say things like, “Cheer up!” or “You’ll feel better if you come to the party with me.”  Society in general seems to push people to be extroverts- you are told you must go to Christmas parties, have a big Thanksgiving dinner or have the whole family come by for your birthday.

These things can make us introverts feel uncomfortable, even flawed, & wondering what is wrong with us.  The truth is that there is NOTHING wrong with us!  Being an introvert isn’t a disease, some terrible character flaw or a mental disorder.  Introversion is simply a personality trait.  You would have just as good of luck “curing” yourself of introversion as you would changing your eye color.  You were born with your specific eye color just like you were born being an introvert.

I also can’t help but to think that being raised by a narcissistic parent may contribute to introversion.  The fact is narcissistic parents are very mentally & emotionally draining.  After growing up with that, it seems natural to me to seek out quiet & peace, especially if you naturally are introverted & long for that anyway.

If you’re an introvert, then please don’t think there is something flawed or wrong with you for being this way.  You’re in great company. Besides, being an introvert, you’re in great company.  Some known introverts are Abraham Lincoln, Elenor Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, Mahatma Ghandi, Laura Bush, Rosa Parks & Warren Buffet.

Also, there are many positive traits that introverts often have over extroverts.  Introverts are often very good listeners, they often maintain long lasting friendships, they are responsible, analytical, intelligent & creative.

There is one down side to being an introvert that I have found.  Naturally, as a die-hard introvert myself, I prefer alone time. Although there is nothing wrong with that, it can be a problem when it comes to hard times.  Most people, I think, tend to isolate themselves to a degree when going through a really tough time, but introverts do it on a grander scale. And, if like me you’re an introvert with C-PTSD, it can be really bad.  One of the traits of C-PTSD is wanting to isolate.  Throw in the introvert trait & when I’m going through a hard time, it’s a miracle if anyone other than hubby & the furkids see me or talk to me for weeks.  While isolation isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it needs to be balanced. God made people to need Him as well as other people.  I have learned with myself when I isolate myself for too long, it contributes to the depression that accompanies C-PTSD.  I just want to encourage you to have balance.  Isolate yourself when you need to, but if it goes on too long, realize you need to spend time with people you love & who love you.  Go & do something fun!  It really can make you feel better.

Being An Introvert

Good morning, Dear Reader!  Today, I thought we would talk about being an introvert.

 

Introverts are often very quiet people,  people who gain strength from being alone rather than being around others,  become mentally & physically drained after being around other people, hate being the center of attention, focused, introspective, highly intelligent, explore their few interests deeply, become irritable without sufficient alone time & prefer having only a few very close friends rather than many acquaintances.

 

This describes me very well.  I absolutely cannot tolerate much time around other people, even those I love dearly.  In fact, a lifelong friend of mine is also an introvert, & when we get together, it doesn’t take us long & one of us will say, “You ready for some introvert time?”  Neither of us is offended by this, since we both understand the strong need for alone time.  Instead, we both laugh about it & go home.

 

It seems to me that most people are extroverts.  They need to be around other people often as it energizes & strengthens them.  They are highly energetic people & often bubbly & excited in the ways they express themselves.  If they are alone for any length of time, they become depressed.  They have many friends & many interests.  Being the center of attention is a positive thing for them.

 

The large amount of extroverts compared to introverts can make being an introvert rather challenging.  Introverts often think there is something wrong with them for not being like most other people.  We feel like we are weird or  flawed. We also feel like there isn’t anyone else who prefers the company of a good book over people.

 

Also, extroverts can’t understand us introverts any better than we can understand them.  Often, they try to “help” us by making us more social, such as wanting us to go places with them when we would prefer the solitude of our own home with a good book.  They also may think we are depressed rather than introverted, & try to “cheer us up” by wanting us to do things that cheer them up.  If you are fortunate, the extroverts in your life understand that you are simply different than they are.  They quickly learn not to try to change you, & that there is nothing wrong with you for being introverted- it is simply a personality trait rather than a flaw or illness.

 

If you are not as fortunate with the extroverts you know, life can be a bit more challenging.  I had a friend years ago who I cared a great deal about, but he was very extroverted.  He constantly wanted to go places & hang out with me.  We always had fun together & I enjoyed it when we went spent time together, but due to my introverted nature, there were many times I would have preferred to stay home alone.  I ended up hurting his feelings quite a few times for turning down an invitation to go to a bookstore (our favorite activity) or out to lunch.  I didn’t mean to- I just needed my introvert time, & he didn’t understand that as he didn’t like to be alone for very long or stay home.  He did accept my boundaries, & usually with only a little trying to convince me to change my mind.

 

Unfortunately, this is unavoidable when an introvert is friends with an extrovert.  The good friend, like mine was, may have his feelings hurt, but will accept that you don’t want to hang out together 3 times a week (or however often he wants to).  Some extroverts aren’t as nice as my friend was.  Some may get pushy or use guilt to try to manipulate you into doing their will.  They may push you hard to try to become more extroverted as they are.  Don’t give in if you are uncomfortable doing so!  You have every right to be as introverted as you would like to be, just as others have the right to be as extroverted as they would like to be!  Set your boundaries & stick to them.  You have that right!

 

Also try to explain to your friend that it is nothing personal or wrong with him- you just need some alone time.  As he gets energy from being around others, you have that exact same reaction to being alone.  Maybe explain it this way- “You know how good you feel after you spend an afternoon with friends (or at a party or whatever social activity your friend enjoys)?  That’s how I feel after some time to myself.”

 

Most extroverted people will understand & respect your boundaries.  As for those who don’t, or those who continually try to change you into an extrovert?  You may want to reconsider your friendship.  Normal healthy people don’t try to change other people.

 

If you are an introvert reading this, just remember- you’re not alone, you’re not weird & there is nothing wrong with you for being an introvert.  There are plenty of us out there, but you may not know it as we’re most likely spending time alone in our own homes… lol