Tag Archives: jealous

A Commonly Ignored Narcissistic Behavior

The Bible has plenty to say about minding your own business & gossiping.  In the Amplified Bible, 1 Peter 4:15 says, “Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or a thief, or any sort of criminal [in response to persecution], or as a troublesome meddler interfering in the affairs of others;” 1 Thessalonians 4:11 says, “and to make it your ambition to live quietly and peacefully, and to mind your own affairs and work with your hands, just as we directed you.”  Leviticus 19:16 says, “You shall not go around as a gossip among your people, and you are not to act against the life of your neighbor [with slander or false testimony]; I am the Lord.” Proverbs 20:19 says, “He who goes about as a gossip reveals secrets; Therefore do not associate with a gossip [who talks freely or flatters].”

Yet in spite of these Scriptures being very clear, many people have no problem keeping track of others, & talking badly about what they learn while snooping into other’s business.  In fact, some even act like anyone who is bothered if someone does this to them is the one that has a problem, not the other person.

Some time back, I decided to separate myself from every single abusive, awful person in my life & those who associate with them.  I blocked all means of access such as phone numbers, emails & social media.  I made one mistake.  I forgot to block the husband of one of these people.  As a result, I learned that his social media profile has been used to snoop on mine.  I doubt he would do this, so it’s a safe assumption his wife does the snooping using his profile. 

This may not sound like a big deal to most people, but to me, it is.  This person lost all rights to any access whatsoever to my life by how she has chosen to treat me.  Plus, I have no doubt she discusses her findings with someone close to her who is just as hateful as she is.  I feel very angry & violated!

This type of behavior is so common & is rarely thought of badly.  It seems to be socially acceptable to keep tabs on people on social media in particular.  And honestly, who hasn’t looked up someone, maybe an ex boyfriend or girlfriend that you’ve thought about frequently since you broke up five years ago, then told your best friend what you found out?  I think that is pretty normal & that isn’t what I’m referring to.  I’m referring to those people who routinely check out someone’s social media or if they see them at the local grocery store, follow them around & then tell other people what they learned.  That is the behavior I’m addressing & find so disturbing. 

This sort of behavior says someone is very envious.  They see someone as better than them somehow.  Maybe they think this person is more attractive, talented or successful than they are.  Rather than act like a mature adult & focus on improving themselves, instead they look for reasons to be angry with that other person & to make other people think badly of them. 

Acting this way isn’t simply unbecoming & ungodly behavior.  It is very typical behavior of narcissists!  One of the most common tactics of narcissists, whether the narcissist is overt or covert, is to tear other people down in order to make themselves look & feel better.  It can be devastating to the victim of this abusive behavior, which no doubt is why God is so clearly against it as to include Scriptures on the topic in the Bible.  Even if it is done by someone not particularly close to you, while it may not be as devastating as it is when it’s done by someone close, it really can be very hurtful & is just wrong!

My hope is that those of you who are reading this today don’t engage in this behavior, but if you do, please consider what I have said & make changes.  Whether you mean to cause harm or not, chances are, you are causing someone harm & for no valid reason.

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Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

Illness Changes Personality & Behavior

When a person faces serious health problems, they change & not only physically.  Their personalities change, too.  That is normal.  Sometimes the personality changes can be very bad.

A dear friend of mine lost her husband some time ago after caring for him for several years.  Not long before he died, she told me some very disturbing things about his behavior.  This once good, kind, loving man was suddenly exhibiting many narcissistic traits.  In particular, he didn’t want his wife to be with other people, including their children.  It was bizarre since narcissism doesn’t suddenly show up, like when you catch a cold.  The more we talked about things, the more I thought of something… 

After I survived Carbon Monoxide Poisoning, the hospital gave me no information & even said my elevated carbon monoxide levels “weren’t so bad.”  They also said I had no brain injury in spite of showing many signs of a concussion from hitting my head when I passed out.  The hospital said I could return to work two days later, but by that time, I still felt just as miserable as I did when I left the hospital.  I was lost, so I started researching my condition.  I also joined a traumatic brain injury group on Facebook.  I noticed immediately most people in the group showed a LOT of narcissistic tendencies & were very insecure.  I left the group quickly, but I realized something.  I was starting to behave much as they were!  I wanted my husband to be with me non stop & was very annoyed he wasn’t.  I knew he had demanding, elderly parents with health problems, plus a full time job which all left him exhausted much of the time, but even so, I was annoyed he didn’t spend more time with me.  Realizing how selfish I was behaving was a real wakeup call!

I told my friend about my experiences plus what I witnessed in that group & in time, we realized what happened with her husband was much like what happened to me.

The reason I’m sharing this is so many people are affected by serious health concerns either in themselves or in those they love.  Whether you are the person with the condition or someone you love is, it’s vital to understand that serious health problems can change someone’s personality drastically.  The condition doesn’t even need to be something that affects one’s brain directly like Alzheimer’s, stroke or traumatic brain injury for this to happen. 

When you become seriously sick or injured, you become scared.  Even if you’re getting the best of care & have a great prognosis, health problems are terrifying. 

Add in that you can’t do things you once took for granted & are forced to rely on other people for help.  That too can make you feel afraid, especially for the person who has always been self reliant, & is a serious blow to the self esteem.

Having to rely on other people also can make you feel like a burden, which unsurprisingly is terrible for one’s self esteem.

Feeling like a burden can make you feel that you need to put your best face forward & not show others just how miserable you feel or how much you’re struggling.  There is a very difficult balance in this situation.  If you act as if your symptoms aren’t as bad as they are, or not happening at all, people often think you’re faking the health crisis.  But, if you are honest about it, people often think you’re exaggerating your symptoms, feeling sorry for yourself or looking for attention.

Feeling insecure & afraid naturally change a person.  Many people get angry.  Many others talk about their illness non stop in an effort to educate people, which often alienates them because people get tired of hearing about this topic.  Most people though seem to become insecure, some even to the point of displaying narcissistic tendencies.

If you are the person who is ill & behaving this way, please work on healing!  You are only hurting yourself & those around you!  I know it’s hard but you can change!  Watch your behavior, & change it accordingly.  Apologize when you mistreat someone or have unfair expectations on them.  Stop expecting people to meet your needs & focus on God to do that. 

If you are the person in a relationship with someone who is behaving this way, remember, you can’t change their behavior.  They have to change themselves.  But, you aren’t helpless.  You need to have good boundaries in place & enforce them.  Talk to this person & explains that their behavior hurts you.  Non-narcissistic people will respond to that!  I know it seems hard to believe if you’ve dealt with a narcissist, but it’s true.  Remind yourself that their behavior isn’t personal.  It’s their illness making them act this way rather than something you are doing wrong.

Whichever position you are in, remember to stay close to God. Nurture that relationship.  That is what will help you more than anything else!

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Filed under Caregiving, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Miscellaneous

Narcissists & Envy/Jealousy

I’ve been listening to music today.. a CD my father recently gave me of Conway Twitty’s songs from early in his career.  I remember hearing some of these songs when I was a little girl riding in my father’s car, which is now my car, & they make me smile.

(A little background- I have my granddad’s 1969 Plymouth Fury.  He gave it to my father when his car was stolen in 1975.  My father sold it to a guy who owned a local junkyard in 1979.  In 2005, I went to a flea market & saw a gorgeous ’69 Fury & fell in love.  I assumed it was simply a twin to Granddad’s.  Hubby suggested I leave a note on the car saying I’d love to buy it if the owner wanted to sell.  He did!  After some trouble with our mortgage refinance that had our money tied up briefly, we finally were able to get the car.  The first time my father saw it, he said “That’s my car!  That’s not a twin!”  He soon brought me the VIN from his old records.  We compared it to my car’s VIN & found it to be the same car he owned 30 years before!)

Back to my story…

To this day, my mother does NOT believe that is the same car.  She also will trash my car at every opportunity.  My “favorite” was when she told me, “I would NEVER own a car your granddad owned!  HARUMPH!!!”  I was too angry at the time to think of it, but I wish I’d thought to remind her that she did own a car Granddad owned- this same Fury, for about 4 years.  Also, my father has told me she has told him I’m lying- that isn’t Granddads’s Plymouth.  The VIN doesn’t lie- it’s put on at the factory.  My father couldn’t have known it to recreate it- it’s somewhat hard to read & he never looked at that before bringing me his old car records to compare his VIN to mine.

So why the nastiness?  It’s only a car.  Not like my driving this beautiful old critter affects her in any way, right?  When I thought about it, I realized how cruel my mother can be about other things.  She criticizes my writing viciously, which is one reason I don’t discuss it with her anymore.  She has said it’s “trash no one wants to read” & “a waste of time.”  When I’ve done editing work, “anyone can do that!”  She also viciously insulted my furkids for years, knowing how much I love them.  Why?  I assume because they are very friendly, loving & well behaved.  Her cat?  Hides when people come over & is very skittish.  (I love her cat, but she is very different than mine)

Narcissists are extremely competitive.  They have to be the best, the most talented, the prettiest, the most special.  If you are better, more talented, etc. than them in any way, no matter how trivial, you can count on being criticized.

Does this sound familiar to you?  Is your narcissistic mother this way too?

At first, I know it can be hard to accept.  Normal, loving mothers want what is best for their child, no matter the child’s age.  They want her happy, healthy & successful, even if that means the child does better than the mother.  Narcissistic mothers, as usual, go completely against the norm, making their behavior hard to accept.  Often, their daughters feel they should make their performance “less than” or give up completely in order to please their mothers.

I want to encourage you today, Dear Reader, to enjoy your successes, in spite of your wicked narcissistic mother!  Her jealousy is HER problem not yours!  Enjoy the blessings & talents God has seen fit to bless you with as much as possible.  God wants you to enjoy such things.  That is why He gave them to you!  You must deserve them, too, otherwise He wouldn’t have seen fit to give them to you.

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

You Are Where You Need To Be

It seems like human nature to envy where other people are in life.  Many people envy their friends’ financial status, work position or even their prayer life.  When you’re healing from narcissistic abuse, you also may envy others who seem to be so much farther along in their healing.  I’m not immune to it- I feel the same way sometimes.

The problem though is there is no good reason to feel that way.  If God wanted you to be in the same position as another person, He’d put you there & nothing could stop Him.  God has you where you are in life for a reason.

So what is the reason?  Honestly, I don’t know.  However, I do know that part of the reason is to bless you & to bless others.  I’m not saying God is like a faery godmother, granting wishes.  Instead, He uses things that happen in life, good & bad alike, to help you to learn & grow to be more like Jesus.  And, He uses you to help others to do the same.  Even your mistakes can help others.

I encourage you today, Dear Reader, to stop griping about where you are, & to ask God to help you see the good in it or the good that will come of it.

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Filed under Animals, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health

I’ve Been Thinking…

Today, I’ve thought a lot about yesterday’s disastrous episode with my parents.  I’m somewhat angry with myself for not handling things better with my mother, but it’s hard to deal with a malignant narcissist.  More like impossible, especially when she is out for blood.  Which led me to think- why was she especially vicious?  I believe jealousy is the answer.
I believe insecurity & jealousy often go together.  A secure person doesn’t feel jealous over the blessings another has, only an insecure person does.  And, those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are extremely insecure.  (That is why they act as if they’re so superior- they’re trying to convince themselves & everyone else how great they are.)  So yesterday, my mother’s friend set the wheels in motion to trigger my mother’s insecurities & jealousy by repeatedly saying how pretty I am.  My mother responded first by cutting this lady off each time she said it.  Once she left, my mother told me she is, “very slow,” & “not very bright.”.   I only can assume to discredit the validity of the complements.  Obviously, what she thinks doesn’t matter since she isn’t smart.  Funny- she seemed nice, caring & even intelligent to me.  Anyway, as I posted yesterday, the rest of our time together was a disaster. 
This type of situation has happened many times. I go out with my parents, they see someone they know, that person complements me or nice to me, then the rest of the visit with my mother is full of nastiness.
Jealousy isn’t pretty, is it?
It’s mind boggling too.  I don’t see why my mother is so jealous of me, but she obviously is.  It’s sad, but mostly maddening.  I am so tired of not so much her lack of love & approval, but the constant reminders from her that I’m just not the daughter she wanted in any way, shape or form.  They hurt!
I was hoping as I wrote this, I might gain some insight on how to cope with the malignant narcissistic mother’s jealousy & hopefully help others as well as myself.  Unfortunately, nothing new came to me.  Distance & reinforcing healthy boundaries are the only ideas I have. 
If your narcissistic mother treats you the way mine treats me, just know you aren’t alone.  I understand your pain & frustration.   ❤ ❤

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism