Tag Archives: jealousy
When dealing with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there is one important point you must never forget- they are extremely envious.
Narcissists want what you have, whether what you have is a loving marriage, a great job, talents or a nice home or car. I think it is because narcissists feel so badly about themselves, that your good thing, whatever it may be, is perceived as a threat. By you looking good, they think it makes them look bad, as if people are constantly comparing them to others. They simply cannot stand someone else looking better than them in any way or doing something they are unable to do.
One example of this that comes to mind is my mother in-law. She’s never driven- always had to rely on others to take her where she needed to go. From day one, my car was always an issue with her, even knowing I love cars, especially mine. She started by accusing me of driving too fast in her neighborhood. I thought it was odd, but slowed down. Not long after my husband & I got together, she suggested we go out to lunch one day. I said fine, let’s figure out when to do this. She said, “You WILL be taking Eric’s car, right?” I was baffled & said “No, I have my own car.” She dropped the subject. A couple of weeks later, she suggested we go out again, & again she asked if I was taking my husband’s car. Again I said no. This happened once more & by then I was getting angry. My car wasn’t good enough for her to ride in?! Someone who doesn’t drive or know the first thing about cars thinks she’s too good for my car?! Anyway, a few years later, my husband & I had both of our cars at his parents’ house. I’d been helping him work on his, then when he didn’t need my help, I replaced a burned out turn signal bulb on my car. When I was alone, my mother in-law took this opportunity to tell me my car was costing too much money- I needed to just get rid of it. (a $.97 bulb that burned out after 8 years was too expensive?) She also made fun of me for “liking to get dirty & greasy” because I had car dirt on me after working on hubby’s car.
At the time, I knew nothing of NPD. I did realize though that all of this nastiness boiled down to one thing- envy. My mother in-law envied the fact that not only was I independent enough to drive, I could even fix my car if need be. She has created this dependence on my father in-law by not driving, under the guise of helplessness, yet at the same time, she envied me for not being so dependent on my husband as she was on hers. Obviously she was trying to hurt me not because there was something wrong with me, but because there is something wrong with her.
Sadly, this is typical narcissistic behavior. Narcissists attack things that mean a lot to you for two reasons- because it causes you a great deal of pain or because of envy. Often, for a combination of both reasons. In the situation with my car, my mother in-law used both reasons, I believe.
When the narcissist in your life viciously criticizes something about you, or even simply tries to instill doubt in you about it, you can bet she envies you. Don’t let her cruel words or actions make you feel bad about whatever it is she’s criticizing about you! In fact, remember that whatever it is, is a good thing. If it wasn’t, she wouldn’t care enough about it to criticize you so viciously. Don’t let her cruelty make you feel badly or as if you’re doing something wrong. It is simply proof that you are doing something very well & that you are blessed! Remembering these things will help you to not be hurt by her verbal abuse.
I’ve been listening to music today.. a CD my father recently gave me of Conway Twitty’s songs from early in his career. I remember hearing some of these songs when I was a little girl riding in my father’s car, which is now my car, & they make me smile.
(A little background- I have my granddad’s 1969 Plymouth Fury. He gave it to my father when his car was stolen in 1975. My father sold it to a guy who owned a local junkyard in 1979. In 2005, I went to a flea market & saw a gorgeous ’69 Fury & fell in love. I assumed it was simply a twin to Granddad’s. Hubby suggested I leave a note on the car saying I’d love to buy it if the owner wanted to sell. He did! After some trouble with our mortgage refinance that had our money tied up briefly, we finally were able to get the car. The first time my father saw it, he said “That’s my car! That’s not a twin!” He soon brought me the VIN from his old records. We compared it to my car’s VIN & found it to be the same car he owned 30 years before!)
Back to my story…
To this day, my mother does NOT believe that is the same car. She also will trash my car at every opportunity. My “favorite” was when she told me, “I would NEVER own a car your granddad owned! HARUMPH!!!” I was too angry at the time to think of it, but I wish I’d thought to remind her that she did own a car Granddad owned- this same Fury, for about 4 years. Also, my father has told me she has told him I’m lying- that isn’t Granddads’s Plymouth. The VIN doesn’t lie- it’s put on at the factory. My father couldn’t have known it to recreate it- it’s somewhat hard to read & he never looked at that before bringing me his old car records to compare his VIN to mine.
So why the nastiness? It’s only a car. Not like my driving this beautiful old critter affects her in any way, right? When I thought about it, I realized how cruel my mother can be about other things. She criticizes my writing viciously, which is one reason I don’t discuss it with her anymore. She has said it’s “trash no one wants to read” & “a waste of time.” When I’ve done editing work, “anyone can do that!” She also viciously insulted my furkids for years, knowing how much I love them. Why? I assume because they are very friendly, loving & well behaved. Her cat? Hides when people come over & is very skittish. (I love her cat, but she is very different than mine)
Narcissists are extremely competitive. They have to be the best, the most talented, the prettiest, the most special. If you are better, more talented, etc. than them in any way, no matter how trivial, you can count on being criticized.
Does this sound familiar to you? Is your narcissistic mother this way too?
At first, I know it can be hard to accept. Normal, loving mothers want what is best for their child, no matter the child’s age. They want her happy, healthy & successful, even if that means the child does better than the mother. Narcissistic mothers, as usual, go completely against the norm, making their behavior hard to accept. Often, their daughters feel they should make their performance “less than” or give up completely in order to please their mothers.
I want to encourage you today, Dear Reader, to enjoy your successes, in spite of your wicked narcissistic mother! Her jealousy is HER problem not yours! Enjoy the blessings & talents God has seen fit to bless you with as much as possible. God wants you to enjoy such things. That is why He gave them to you! You must deserve them, too, otherwise He wouldn’t have seen fit to give them to you.
Today, I’ve thought a lot about yesterday’s disastrous episode with my parents. I’m somewhat angry with myself for not handling things better with my mother, but it’s hard to deal with a malignant narcissist. More like impossible, especially when she is out for blood. Which led me to think- why was she especially vicious? I believe jealousy is the answer.
I believe insecurity & jealousy often go together. A secure person doesn’t feel jealous over the blessings another has, only an insecure person does. And, those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are extremely insecure. (That is why they act as if they’re so superior- they’re trying to convince themselves & everyone else how great they are.) So yesterday, my mother’s friend set the wheels in motion to trigger my mother’s insecurities & jealousy by repeatedly saying how pretty I am. My mother responded first by cutting this lady off each time she said it. Once she left, my mother told me she is, “very slow,” & “not very bright.”. I only can assume to discredit the validity of the complements. Obviously, what she thinks doesn’t matter since she isn’t smart. Funny- she seemed nice, caring & even intelligent to me. Anyway, as I posted yesterday, the rest of our time together was a disaster.
This type of situation has happened many times. I go out with my parents, they see someone they know, that person complements me or nice to me, then the rest of the visit with my mother is full of nastiness.
Jealousy isn’t pretty, is it?
It’s mind boggling too. I don’t see why my mother is so jealous of me, but she obviously is. It’s sad, but mostly maddening. I am so tired of not so much her lack of love & approval, but the constant reminders from her that I’m just not the daughter she wanted in any way, shape or form. They hurt!
I was hoping as I wrote this, I might gain some insight on how to cope with the malignant narcissistic mother’s jealousy & hopefully help others as well as myself. Unfortunately, nothing new came to me. Distance & reinforcing healthy boundaries are the only ideas I have.
If your narcissistic mother treats you the way mine treats me, just know you aren’t alone. I understand your pain & frustration. ❤ ❤