Tag Archives: judgment

On Insulting & Critical People

My husband & I were watching a true crime TV show not long ago, as we often do.  On it, a man shot & killed another.  At the time, he was very high on drugs & paranoid.  He mistook a simple comment made by the victim as insulting & disrespectful, which infuriated him enough to shoot this man.

I thought about how ridiculous this is.  Even if the man had been insulting, who cares?!  That was no reason to kill the guy!

Growing up with narcissistic parents, people often go one way or another.  Some turn out like what the comedian Christopher Titus referred to as an insult Navy seal.  After your parent has said unimaginably cruel things to you & called you dreadful names, no one else’s insults can hurt you.  You’ve built up a high tolerance to insults, & it takes a LOT to upset you.  Then there are many other people who have gone the other direction.  They have a thin skin when it comes to insults, & are easily devastated.  You are the folks I am writing this post for.

Nobody likes to be insulted.  Pretty sure that is just a given.  That doesn’t mean insults need to be devastating though.  For one thing, no one can please everyone.  You can be a beautiful person, inside & out, highly intelligent, successful in every area of your life, & someone still will have something negative to say no matter how perfect you are simply because no one can please every single person.

For another thing, emotionally healthy people aren’t judgmental or critical.  They are usually way too focused on managing themselves, learning, growing & being good people to worry about picking someone else apart.  This tells me that the majority of critical people aren’t emotionally healthy, like critical narcissists.  Do you really care about the opinion of someone like that?

Many insults are said out of jealousy.  For an example, a person struggling in college may be very critical of their friend who appears to be sailing through without any problems.

There is also something called morbid envy.  Narcissists are quite prone to this.  They envy someone so much that they are excessively cruel to that person.  They can be extremely nit picky towards the subject of their envy too, such as criticizing small things like a woman having a broken nail or a man’s hair being slightly disheveled.  Another common sign of morbid envy is when a person receives a complement & the narcissist immediately insults either the receiver or giver of the complement or even both.  In any case, morbid envy makes a person very insulting towards others!

And don’t forget.. there is a big difference in someone being insulting & offering constructive criticism.  Constructive criticism is worded to offer help & be as not offensive as possible.  Insults aren’t said to help, but only to hurt.

My point in sharing these thoughts with you is to help you realize that when someone is insulting to you, Dear Reader, it’s not about you.  It’s truly about that person.

What they say also has no basis in reality, only in that person’s dysfunction.  An insulting person is trying to hurt or control you by any means possible.  That doesn’t mean that what they say is true.  In fact, most likely it isn’t even close.

If you can remember these points when you come across someone who is insulting & mean to you, it really will help you to avoid being upset by that person’s nastiness.  A different perspective can be a truly helpful thing sometimes, in particular when it comes to dealing with very dysfunctional, hateful people.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Judging Others

Matthew 7:1-3 states,  “Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.  And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” (KJV)  Yet, it seems to me not many people really take this Scripture to heart.

I’ve been noticing this on facebook lately, regarding two popular issues in particular.  As many of you know, Cecil the lion was killed in a protected area illegally by a trophy hunter.  Also, Planned Parenthood has been accused of selling parts of the babies they aborted for profit.  (sorry- I haven’t read much about either so I can’t provide better details).  Granted, both are terrible issues.  Neither situation should have happened.  Naturally, people are very passionate about both issues.  People also are very judgmental about people’s feelings on these issues.

I’ve seen many posts from folks upset about Planned Parenthood criticizing those upset about Cecil the lion.  “It’s just a lion!”  “Who cares?  It’s just a man eating beast!”  “Children being slaughtered & their parts sold is more important!”

This has been bothering me because it happens every day with all kinds of issues, not only these two.  They are simply a recent example I’m using.  People aren’t tolerant of the simple fact that people have different passions.  It’s how God made us.  Someone like me with a lot of pets is naturally be more upset over trophy hunting an innocent, majestic lion than the horrible practices of Planned Parenthood, whereas a mother with seven children naturally will be more upset over Planned Parenthood’s actions than the lion’s death.  This does NOT mean one of us is wrong!  It simply means we are different people with different priorities & passions.

Not everyone is going to feel the same way, & that is fine!  People need to accept that about you just as you need to accept that about them.  You don’t have to agree with someone 100% to be in a relationship with them.  I have friends who are very interested in politics while I couldn’t care less about it.  We may discuss politics slightly but that’s all, & we’re fine with that because we have other common interests.  I have other friends who like animals but aren’t as obsessed with them as I am.  The same thing happens- we may discuss animals slightly but that is fine because we too have other common interests.  My political friends aren’t offended that I don’t share their passion & I’m not offended other friends don’t share my animal passion.  We accept each other’s differences without judgment.

I’d like to encourage you, Dear Reader, to do the same.  Accept the fact no one shares your same passions.  Even if you do, chances are you’ll both handle it a bit differently anyway.  Instead of judging, just accept the fact that God made you both differently.  If your friend feels strongly about an issue, maybe try to learn some about it.  You may discover a new interest or at least learn a little.

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Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health

May 19, 2013

The last week or so have been over the top negative & stressful to me.  As a result, I’ve had many panic attacks, haven’t slept much lately, had nightmares, etc etc.. 

Today, while my husband is out, I decided to relax & have some “me” time.  I sent prayer requests to a few Christian websites.  I then cranked up a folder of music on my mp3 player that I have titled “Songs That Make Me Happy.”  Yes, I listen to the same tunes over & over, but well, they make me happy!  I also took a nice, warm, relaxing shower followed by exfoliating my skin & applying a yummy lavender scented lotion.  The entire time, I prayed.  

No, it wasn’t an expensive or elaborate afternoon, but it made me feel better.  MUCH better.  

Partly why it made me feel better is the music.  I am not a fan of Christian or gospel music. I have nothing against it- just for some odd reason, it seldom “speaks” to me.  The cool part of that?  God still speaks to me through my taste in music.  Today, one of the songs I listened to was “That’s How They Do It In Dixie” by Hank Williams, Jr.  Listening to the song reminded me how I have lost myself & need to get back in touch with that Southern gal that lives inside me.  She is my true self- kinda rebellious, but a lady who while feminine will fight for what is right.  Another song was “455 Rocket”- about a gal with an Oldsmobile with a 455 cubic inch engine in it.  I happen to have one of those!  She raced hers, & I raced mine many times too (much to the dismay of the other guy!  lol).  It felt good remembering that.  I also am listening to several songs from the 80’s (when I was a teen) that remind me of when I was 19 in 1990 & had just moved out on my own for the first time.  It was the one time in my life I was actually able to be who I truly am- living my life on my own terms, not others’ terms.  

I’ve been “scolded” many times for not listening to more Christian music, but truth be told, I’m fine NOT listening to it.  God still speaks to me.  We’re still close.  Honestly.. if He was upset by this, I think He would have let me know it by now.  I just want those of you reading this now to know that God loves you & will relate to you however works.  He isn’t critical of that!  He invented all music (not just gospel & Christian songs), movies, books.. He will meet you where you are & loves you so much!

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Filed under Miscellaneous