If you’re in the unenviable position of having a narcissist in your life on a regular basis, you have to do all you can to protect your mental health. Narcissists do their level best to obliterate a person’s self-esteem & sometimes even their sanity.
One important way you can protect your mental health is not to make excuses for their bad behavior.
It might just be human nature, but people often want to justify someone’s bad behavior. In many cases, that’s fine. When someone cuts you off in traffic, maybe he didn’t mean to be a jerk, he was just in a hurry. When your best friend snaps at you, it’s probably because her stressful job is getting to her- she didn’t mean to hurt you. Small things like this it’s easy to forgive & forget. They aren’t a big deal because the chances that person meant to upset or hurt you are virtually non existent.
With narcissists however, this isn’t the case. Their entire existence revolves around getting narcissistic supply in any way they can. If people are hurt in the process, so be it. That doesn’t matter to a narcissist.
I used to make excuses for the behavior narcissists in my life. As a child, I told myself my narcissistic mother was simply overprotective, not manipulative & controlling to an extreme. When my father did nothing to protect me from her abuse, I told myself he just couldn’t do anything. It’s not his fault.
It took me a long time, but I’ve finally accepted the truth- that there is no excuse for narcissists to behave as they do. They know what they’re doing & if they didn’t, they wouldn’t work so hard to hide their behavior. They also know the difference between right & wrong- they just don’t care. Yes, these are some ugly truths, but they are also truths you need to accept about narcissists.
Making excuses for a narcissist’s behavior only benefits the narcissist, never a victim. Excuses show the narcissist that you will tolerate their abuse without complaint & excuse it away. This basically gives them the green light to do whatever awful things to you they want to do.
Excuses also imprint in your mind that you don’t have the right to speak up, that you must tolerate abuse, because the narcissist has a good reason for behaving that way. This is absolutely NOT the truth, & you do NOT need to believe that it is!
Excusing a narcissist’s behavior is basically gaslighting yourself. You’re lying to yourself, telling yourself the behavior is normal or understandable when it’s anything but. You get enough gaslighting from the narcissist- don’t add to it by excusing her behavior.
Remember, Dear Reader, narcissists abuse for one simple reason- themselves. They want narcissistic supply. There is no excuse for that. Don’t tell yourself otherwise!