Taking Your Power Back From Narcissists

No matter how careful you may be, it’s likely you’ve come across at least one narcissist in your life.  They will do anything they can to make sure they always have control of their victims.

The most helpful thing I have found to do in these situations is to pray.  Asking God to help me remain calm, think logically rather than emotionally & have creative & effective ways of dealing with their manipulation has been incredibly helpful.

Simple acts such as providing too much personal information, strong emotional reactions, & tolerating control & manipulation can all contribute to narcissists having the power.  To take your power back, you need to do the opposite of those things.  Don’t share personal information.  When the narcissist provokes you, remain calm even when you have every right to be angry or hurt.  Instead of giving the narcissist their way when they try to control you, act as if you don’t notice what they are trying to do.

It is also so important to practice self-care.  Take the time to keep yourself grounded & pay attention to your feelings & thoughts.  Allow yourself to be honest & real with yourself, & reject any guilt that may influence you to stay with a narcissist or tolerate their abuse just because they make you feel you should do such things.  Listen to yourself & understand that your feelings are valid & important.  You never deserve to feel guilty or ashamed of being upset over how they treat you.

It is also important to recognize your own strength & power.  Remind yourself that with God’s help, you are capable of getting through anything, & you have every right to take control of your life!  Make sure that you are fully aware of how you are feeling & staying true to yourself.

One important step in taking back your power from narcissists is to recognize their behavior & know when it is happening.  It’s vitally important to be aware of those times when their behavior turns manipulative, controlling, or abusive & be willing to take steps to protect yourself.

Another step in taking back your power from narcissists is to be willing to set boundaries.  It can often be difficult & ineffective to stand up to a narcissist & tell them no, as you do with those who aren’t narcissists.  Narcissists are notorious for barreling over healthy boundaries &/or portraying themselves as innocent victims when someone tries setting boundaries on their abusive behavior.  This often makes victims give up their boundaries rather than deal with the narcissist’s abusive protests.  But it’s important to remember that you have the right to have boundaries, to be respected & treated fairly.  If a narcissist continues to disrespect you, it is important to protect yourself however you need to do.  Changing the topic of conversation, hanging up the phone or leaving can be subtle ways to do this.  If all else fails, find a way to turn the conversation back to the narcissist somehow.  They almost never pass up an opportunity to tall about themselves.

Being aware of your own reactions to them also helps to take your power away from narcissists.  Narcissists view strong emotional reactions in their victims as a sign of weakness, & use these reactions to control & manipulate.  It’s best to stay in tune with your emotions to make sure you are not giving them power when you respond to their behavior.

Lastly, a great way to help yourself in these situations is to practice mindful reflection.  This can be done through activities such as praying & journaling to help you become aware of how their words &/or actions are affecting you.  Self-care is important anyway but it can also be helpful in recognizing the narcissist’s manipulation & how you can best manage your responses to their behavior.

Taking back your power from narcissists is ultimately about recognizing their tactics & having the willingness to protect yourself.  It’s not easy but it can be done.  The more you do it, the better you will become at it.

When Someone You Are In A Relationship With Wants To Change You

For most of my life, I have been in countless relationships with many toxic people.  I grew up with narcissistic parents, have narcissistic relatives & in-laws, was once married to a narcissist, & have had more narcissistic friends than I can remember.  One thing every single one of them had in common was the desire to change me.  Prior to learning about having healthy relationships, I knew it was very annoying but I had no idea how abusive this was.  I dealt with their toxic behavior by trying to be whatever those people wanted me to be, & can tell you something.. it was absolutely NOT worth it!!

People who try to get other people to change to please them aren’t pleased with anyone or anything.  This means that they never will be pleased for long with the changes anyone else makes for them because they are so focused on things they consider flaws.  When someone changes one thing, they will find something else they think needs to change, then something else & there is no end to their list of things they think need to change.  Why make yourself miserable, constantly struggling to please someone who never will be pleased with what you do anyway?

There is also the fact that the things that people like this consider flaws rarely are actual flaws.  More often than not, they are simply differences, not flaws.  These imaginary flaws could be things like your hair color, the style of clothing you like, your taste in music, your favorite hobbies or even personality traits such as being introverted over extroverted or being “too sensitive.”  None of these things are flaws or bad in any way.  Anyone who thinks they are flaws clearly has issues.

People who want others to change for them often seek out those with people pleasing tendencies.  People pleasers are more than happy to do anything other people ask of them, even when it means making big sacrifices such as parts of their personality, & this just shouldn’t be.

If you are in a relationship with someone who wants you to change, this is NOT normal!  Small things, fine, such as your new spouse wanting you to use coasters when you set a drink on the coffee table but larger things like changing parts of your personality are not fine!  That is a big red flag of someone with controlling tendencies!

Remind yourself often that no one has the right to demand that you change anything about yourself, or dictate your personality traits.  Don’t give in to anyone’s unreasonable demands. 

If you think it’s ok to give into some demands, it’s not.  It won’t take long until you feel anger & even resentment.  You’ll be frustrated & miserable, too.  I promise you this will happen.  I know it will, because I have been there.  I resented those who demanded I change so much about myself just to please them.  I was miserable because I was being like what they wanted me to be, rather than what I was meant to be like.  I was miserable & they weren’t happy either because there was nothing I could do that would make them happy.  I felt powerless, too, because their love was so conditional, & based on me doing whatever to make them happy.  It is an utterly miserable way to live.  Don’t put yourself through this!  Instead, be unapologetically, authentically you.  If others don’t like that about you, so be it.  The right people, however, will absolutely love that about you.  Your voice, your thoughts, your feelings all matter.  You are worthy & you matter!  Never let anyone convince you otherwise!  Choose you, & don’t shrink yourself for anyone.  It’s never worth it!