When Someone You Are In A Relationship With Wants To Change You

For most of my life, I have been in countless relationships with many toxic people.  I grew up with narcissistic parents, have narcissistic relatives & in-laws, was once married to a narcissist, & have had more narcissistic friends than I can remember.  One thing every single one of them had in common was the desire to change me.  Prior to learning about having healthy relationships, I knew it was very annoying but I had no idea how abusive this was.  I dealt with their toxic behavior by trying to be whatever those people wanted me to be, & can tell you something.. it was absolutely NOT worth it!!

People who try to get other people to change to please them aren’t pleased with anyone or anything.  This means that they never will be pleased for long with the changes anyone else makes for them because they are so focused on things they consider flaws.  When someone changes one thing, they will find something else they think needs to change, then something else & there is no end to their list of things they think need to change.  Why make yourself miserable, constantly struggling to please someone who never will be pleased with what you do anyway?

There is also the fact that the things that people like this consider flaws rarely are actual flaws.  More often than not, they are simply differences, not flaws.  These imaginary flaws could be things like your hair color, the style of clothing you like, your taste in music, your favorite hobbies or even personality traits such as being introverted over extroverted or being “too sensitive.”  None of these things are flaws or bad in any way.  Anyone who thinks they are flaws clearly has issues.

People who want others to change for them often seek out those with people pleasing tendencies.  People pleasers are more than happy to do anything other people ask of them, even when it means making big sacrifices such as parts of their personality, & this just shouldn’t be.

If you are in a relationship with someone who wants you to change, this is NOT normal!  Small things, fine, such as your new spouse wanting you to use coasters when you set a drink on the coffee table but larger things like changing parts of your personality are not fine!  That is a big red flag of someone with controlling tendencies!

Remind yourself often that no one has the right to demand that you change anything about yourself, or dictate your personality traits.  Don’t give in to anyone’s unreasonable demands. 

If you think it’s ok to give into some demands, it’s not.  It won’t take long until you feel anger & even resentment.  You’ll be frustrated & miserable, too.  I promise you this will happen.  I know it will, because I have been there.  I resented those who demanded I change so much about myself just to please them.  I was miserable because I was being like what they wanted me to be, rather than what I was meant to be like.  I was miserable & they weren’t happy either because there was nothing I could do that would make them happy.  I felt powerless, too, because their love was so conditional, & based on me doing whatever to make them happy.  It is an utterly miserable way to live.  Don’t put yourself through this!  Instead, be unapologetically, authentically you.  If others don’t like that about you, so be it.  The right people, however, will absolutely love that about you.  Your voice, your thoughts, your feelings all matter.  You are worthy & you matter!  Never let anyone convince you otherwise!  Choose you, & don’t shrink yourself for anyone.  It’s never worth it!

Combating A Narcissist’s Lies

One thing narcissists love to do to their victims is to tear them down with their words.  If they want to, they can convince a victim that they are simply the most worthless waste of breath alive.  They do this by stating their lies with such conviction & frequency that a victim naturally believes them.  And, once they see their victim believes one lie, they lie again & again in the same way to systematically destroy their victim’s self esteem.

Having been on the receiving end of this treatment, I know how incredibly difficult & painful it is.  Even now, years after my last interaction with a narcissist, I still struggle with self esteem issues that were caused by narcissists lying to me.  Not as often as I once did, but it still happens more often than I’d like to admit.

While I had narcissists in my life, for years I blindly believed their lies.  It was miserable, but they had me convinced they were much smarter than me, so I felt I had to believe them.  How could I not when clearly they were so much smarter than me?!

Eventually though, I realized what they were doing.  It was infuriating but I wasn’t sure what to do about it.  I mean, it’s not like these people would be upset that they hurt me & improve their behavior.  Telling them they were hurting me clearly wasn’t a viable option.  I had to figure out other ways to cope.  I hope what I figured out can help those of you who either are in this position or are coping with having been in it in the past.

The best weapon you can have against a narcissist’s lies is the truth.

When a narcissist criticizes you, it isn’t because they believe what they are saying is true.  It’s because the narcissist is trying to destroy you to make you easier for them to control & abuse.

What a narcissist says about you is NOT true.  They often project their faults onto other people.  This allows them to be upset about those faults while doing nothing to improve themselves.  It also allows them another opportunity to destroy their victims. 

If they aren’t projecting, they are often criticizing things that they envy about you.  Does the narcissist say you’re stupid?  Chances are he envies your intelligence & wants to bring you down to his level.  Does she say you’re too fat or skinny?  Chances are she envies your figure & wished she looked more like you.

Please remember these facts!  They lie for various reasons but the point is they lie & there is no reason to believe anything they have to say about you.

If you are struggling to heal from the lies of a narcissist, there are things you can do.

Ask God to tell you the truth.  Are you what the narcissist said you were?  What does God have to say about what the narcissist said?

Write down the narcissist’s lies.  Seeing things in writing can be incredibly helpful as it brings clarity that speaking doesn’t provide.  Chances are that when you see their words in writing, you’ll realize how ridiculous what they said about you really was.

Remind yourself that you know the truth.  I mean the real truth, not the lies that the narcissist claims to be truth.  And, remind yourself what other people have said about you on this topic.  Chances are excellent that the narcissist will be the only one who says such terrible things about you.  Other people will be much kinder & more accurate.

Subtle Signs Of Disrespect

There are many ways a person can be disrespectful.  Many of those ways are obvious, such as telling another person they’re stupid.  Not all disrespectful ways are so noticeable however.  They are much more subtle, & sadly they happen all the time.  Everyone needs to be aware of them, & that’s the topic of today’s post.

Disrespectful people are selfish.  They may or may not be a narcissist, but even if they aren’t, they are selfish.  They think more of themselves, what they want, think, feel, & need than anyone else to the point they don’t have a lot of room left in their minds for thinking of other people.

A disrespectful person is inconsiderate of others in many ways, but in particular towards those that are romantically involved with them.  If they have a decision to make that affects both parties, they don’t consider how their decision will affect their partner.  They make their decision based on evidence that affects them only.  They also do what they want without consideration of how their actions & behaviors affect the other person in a relationship with them.  They make plans to do things without their partner, without seeing if their partner already had plans or would like to come along.  They change jobs that are far away or have different hours without asking their partner what they think of this arrangement.  They may even move a distance away without discussing it with their significant other first.

Disrespectful people do things that upset other people even when they know their behavior will upset them.  It’s usually not that they deliberately do things to upset other people.  It’s that they simply don’t think about how their behavior affects others.  Or, if they do think of that, they don’t understand why this particular behavior is upsetting to someone.  If they don’t fully understand why this behavior is upsetting to someone, the chances of them repeating the behavior is excellent.  As an example, if someone knows that you are very upset about lateness, yet they continually are let when they meet up with you, that is clearly disrespectful behavior.

A disrespectful person can be controlling.  Let’s say you’re a woman on your first date or one of your first dates with a man.  You go out to dinner together.  If he places your order for you, without asking what you want, that may seem harmless but it’s a subtle sign of control.  Or, if you place your order & he tells the waiter you don’t want that, you want something else instead, that’s another sign of a controlling person. 

Disrespectful people have no respect for the time of others.  If you tell someone you’re on the phone with or visiting that you must go, & they act as if you said nothing, that is disrespectful.

While everyone behaves disrespectfully periodically, it shouldn’t be anyone’s normal behavior.  If someone you know acts this way, they are being very disrespectful & you don’t deserve this kind of treatment! 

You are well within your rights to speak to this person about their behavior.  Hopefully this person isn’t a narcissist, & they will be open to correction.  If you speak to them & they deny doing anything wrong or even turn the behavior back on you somehow, then chances are good you’re dealing with a narcissist.  Confronting narcissists, no matter how calmly or respectfully, rarely ends well for the person doing the confronting.  Pray often, learn all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & figure out how best to handle this relationship.

Playing The Victim

Many narcissists are known for playing the victim, in particular covert narcissists.  They seem to think that everyone else has caused their problems but themselves.  Their own actions are always excused away or even denied.  They also claim there is nothing they can do about these problems. 

As a person with a kind heart, it can be easy to get drawn into this victim act & feel sorry for this person.  The problem is that is easy for these people to manipulate the kind hearted in these situations.

Following are some ways to identify someone who is playing the victim to help you avoid that situation.

People who play the victim obviously feel sorry for themselves.  They think the world is so cruel & unfair to them, & they’re helpless to do anything about it.

These people also have no desire to put any work into improving their situation.  They prefer staying in the bad situation than changing it or even allowing anyone to help change it. 

They also accept zero responsibility for their behavior.  Whatever is wrong is always someone else’s fault, according to them.  They did nothing wrong.  If they ran someone over with their car, they would blame the person they hit for being in that parking lot at that particular time of day rather than admit that they didn’t look before backing out of their spot.

People playing the victim are incredibly manipulative.  Once they know they have someone’s pity they feel free to get anything they want from that person.  They will gain their sympathy & support.  They will get money from them.  Most of all, they get attention & these people do thrive on that attention.

Parents who play the victim are especially manipulative with their children.  There are so many situations where an overt & a covert narcissist marry, & the covert ends up looking like the innocent victim who needs his or her children’s protection against the overtly narcissistic parent.  This was my situation.  My father claimed there was nothing he could do to protect me from my mother’s abuse, & it was so hard for him when she abused me.  I often comforted him after one of her abusive episodes rather than him comforting me.

People like this are also emotional vampires, as the saying goes.  They cling to other people & expect them to listen to their woes at any time, for as long as they want to talk, no matter what is going on in their lives.  If the listener is unavailable, that person will do their level best to make the listener feel guilty for failing to be there when they were needed the most.

Another quality of those who play the victim is how offended they are with any differences.  If their chosen listener disagrees with them or continues suggesting they make changes, they will become very angry with the listener or even cut that person out of their life.

Most people who have experienced serious problems learn to appreciate the good things in life as a result.  Even small things such as a pretty flower can brighten their day.  Not so with those playing the victim.  They are intensely negative & unappreciative.  Nothing pleases these people.

When you come across someone like this in your life, & you definitely will, the smartest thing you can do is to set boundaries.  Limit your exposure to this person & avoid them if at all possible.  If avoiding them isn’t possible, keep conversations with them short & superficial.  Talk about the weather & other light topics that aren’t about them & how they have been wronged.

If you’re like many children of narcissistic parents who feel obligated to care for others to the point it’s unhealthy, these people can be hard for you to spot at first.  As God to give you discernment & remember the signs of their toxic behavior.

One Way Evil Manifests In People

When people hear the word evil, all kinds of things come to mind.  Serial killers, psychopaths, monsters with glowing red eyes & of course the devil himself.  What people usually don’t think of when they hear the word evil is those people who portray themselves as good, caring, generous & often a bit naïve, yet who always have something snide to say to or about other people while maintaining their good appearance somehow.  I’m referring to covert narcissists.  In my opinion, people like this are among the most evil people of all.

Covert narcissists are masters at appearing to be good while they are truly nothing but pure evil.  They are manipulative but claim they are just trying to help.  They cause pain while claiming they didn’t know what they said or did would hurt the person they hurt.  They gossip & spread lies under the guise of being concerned about someone.  Whatever happens to them was never their fault.  They are the perpetual victims of the world who don’t deserve anything bad that happens to them.

Elderly narcissists are especially good at behaving in this manner.  It’s human nature to want to care for those weaker than us, & they exploit that as much as they possibly can.  Many will fake, exaggerate or even lie about an illness if it will get them attention or punish someone, usually their adult children, who they perceive has done them wrong somehow.  They demand their adult children’s time even when it’s unnecessary & their adult children have other more important responsibilities.

Flying monkeys to me are the worst of the worst of covert narcissists, second only to elderly ones.  Flying monkeys often claim they are just trying to help or be supportive, yet these contemptible fiends are actually enjoying hurting the victim.  Either they get a thrill from abusing the victim on behalf of the narcissist or from spying on the victim & reporting what they learn to the narcissist.  I have a couple of them who spy on me, & very few things in life disgust me as much as these people.

These vile monsters leave a path of destruction in their wake that isn’t obvious to most people, many times including their victims.  They don’t scream, rage or hit their victims.  Instead, they quietly manipulate & disparage their victims with no other witnesses.  This even happens when multiple people live in the same house.  They carefully maintain their fake image of being a good person to everyone but their victim, so when their victim tells others about the covert narcissist, no one believes the them.  In fact, often they defend this monster & their horrible behavior.  This allows the covert narcissist to continue abusing their victims quietly, & often the victim tolerates it because they think something is wrong with them for being upset by the narcissist’s behavior.  Covert narcissists are absolutely disgusting, despicable & vile human beings.

I’m sure by now you think I’m angry about them, & you would be absolutely correct.  Covert narcissists infuriate me with their “Poor pitiful me!  I’m always the victim!  I need people to coddle me!” act.  I have dealt with more of them than I care to admit in my family, my husband’s family, former friends & even my ex husband.  The more stories I hear similar to mine, the more disgusted & more angered I am by these people. 

Many people think that since I am open about being a Christian, I’m wrong for feeling this way.  I should forgive them & love them.  I’ve been called out on my supposed “anger issues” & “ungoldly behavior” on this topic.  They are wrong, though.  Romans 12:9 in the Amplified translation of the Bible says, “Love is to be sincere and active [the real thing—without guile and hypocrisy]. Hate what is evil [detest all ungodliness, do not tolerate wickedness]; hold on tightly to what is good.”  The behavior of covert narcissists is absolutely evil!  Don’t think so?  Then consider John 10:10.  In the first half of the verse, Jesus discusses the devil.  He says, “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy…”  That is exactly what covert narcissists do!  They steal, kill & destroy anything they want from their victims, usually their time, peace, reputation, mental & sometimes physical health, self esteem, joy & often their will to live.

Anyone reading this today, please know that I mean every single word I’ve said here.  Covert narcissists are pure evil.  They easily can ruin your life & relationships.  They love causing misery & pain while somehow managing to look magnanimous.  Never underestimate them, as it’s never wise to underestimate an enemy.  Protect yourself from them.  Stay away from them whenever possible.  If you must deal with them, never do so alone, because they will use that alone time to victimize you & no one will believe you about that.

Baiting Tactics And Ways To Cope

Some people thrive on getting attention, whether it is positive or negative.  Love them or hate them, either is great as far as they are concerned, just don’t ignore them!  In fact, that need for attention is one of the hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

One way they get this attention is by something called baiting.  Baiting is anything said or done to provoke a strong emotional reaction.  Behaving this way gives a baiting person a feeling of strength, because they possess such control over another person as to provoke them into very strong reactions.

Baiting is most commonly used by either covert narcissists or elderly narcissists.  It is effective, easy for them to do, subtle & offers plausible deniability to the baiting person.  They often claim they had no idea what they said would upset their victim or the victim took it wrong.  It also can be a useful way for the baiting person to make their victim look bad to other people.  These people quietly will say something cruel to upset their victim when others are around, so when the victim gets noticeably upset, others see the victim as irrational or yelling at the baiting person while that baiting person remains quiet & calm.  To those who don’t know what was said, the victim looks like the problem, ill tempered or even crazy while the baiting person appears to be the rational one.

There are many ways baiting is accomplished, & some of those tactics are as follows:

The baiting person may accuse their victim of something that is completely out of character & offensive to them, such as illegal behavior, cheating on their spouse or abusing their pets or children.  The shock value combined with the offensive nature of the insults easily can trigger someone into reacting badly & the baiting person may at this point accuse their victim of being mentally unbalanced. 

The baiting person also may “accidentally” damage something important to their victim.  Maybe they drop a treasured & fragile family heirloom or park beside their victim’s classic car & when they open the door, hit the victim’s car with their door.  Anyone in this situation naturally would be absolutely furious, yet the baiting person appears innocent because what they did didn’t look intentional.

A baiting person also will love insulting something their victim loves.  I have the most experience with this one.  Both my mother & mother in-law loved to insult my cats & my cars, both of which always have been very important to me.  My mother usually said her cruel comments very quietly & calmly so when I got upset, I looked irrational to anyone around us.  My mother in-law preferred no witnesses, so if I told anyone what she said, no one believed me because they never saw her treat me that way.

Another tactic of a baiting person is to hint that they have something to tell you that will hurt your feelings, & say they don’t want to upset you by telling you that thing.  Basically they make their victim feel obligated to say, “It’s ok.  You can tell me.”  They then dump that pain on their victim, & then enjoy that person’s pain, comfortable that the victim brought it on themselves.  After all, they think, the baiting person warned the victim, so they aren’t to blame for his or her pain.

Baiting triggers a person’s adrenaline & fight or flight responses to kick in, which is why it can be so challenging.  You can handle it though!  Immediately, inhale deeply, then exhale to give your mind & body a moment to calm down.  In that moment, ask God for help, too.  My simple prayers of “HELP!” proved surprisingly helpful plenty of times.

Remember what is happening.  Someone is trying to upset you as a way to make them feel better about themselves.  Don’t give that person the satisfaction.  Do NOT react.  Stay calm.  The less you react, the less likely it is this person will use this tactic again with you.  Once away from this person though, vent however helps you to feel better.  Holding in such negative emotions for a long period of time is unhealthy.

If at all possible, leave this person or hang up the phone immediately.  Say you just remembered something you have to do & go.  This isn’t a lie – you just remembered that you have to protect yourself from such volatility!

Forever The Victim – A Narcissistic Tactic

Some covert narcissists are perpetually a victim.  They are the ones who are always wronged, always the victim of mean people, & never at fault for anything.  Here are some examples.

A narcissist says something cruel, which naturally makes you angry.  She claims she never meant to hurt you, was just trying to help & had no idea that would upset you.  She may even stop speaking to you for a while after this, even if you apologized for being upset with her.

Or, the narcissist tries to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do.  When you refuse, he claims you don’t love him.  He asks how could you refuse to do this one little thing for him, especially after all he’s done for you?!

Maybe the narcissist is your elderly parent who expects you to come at their beck & call.  You tell your parent you only are available on Tuesdays & Saturdays to do what she needs.  She tells your family how you refused to help, & they attack you for being ungrateful, a spoiled brat & more.

Narcissists who behave this way, those who claim life is unfair to them, that they are mistreated when people confront them on their abusive behavior, those who blame their victims for their abusive behavior & those who complain about their problems yet have no real interest in change are also the perpetual, consummate victims. 

My late father & late mother in-law were both covert narcissists & consummate victims.  I repeatedly asked my father not to call after 9 at night.  I refused to take his call when he called at 10 one evening.  His response was to call my in-laws & a cousin who lives almost 500 miles away.  He told both he was so worried about me because I didn’t answer the phone, & asked them to have me call him immediately.  Regarding my mother in-law, I was angry with my mother in-law once because she had snooped through my purse yet again.  She asked my husband why I was angry.  I listened to their conversation.  He told her why I was angry, & she claimed not to know what she did would be upsetting to me.

Both situations are almost identical.  As a result of my father’s & mother in-law’s actions, my husband & I argued yet again about his mother, & my cousin & I argued about my father.  In typical forever victim fashion, their behavior caused problems for the real victim (me) & made them look good.

 When you must deal with this dreadful behavior, there are some things you can do.  I firmly believe that relying on God is the first & best step you can make.  He will help you to understand what they are doing & come up with ways to most effectively deal with this toxic behavior.

Never ever forget the type of person you’re facing.  No matter what you do or don’t do, they will make the situation look as if you’re being cruel to them.  Expect nothing else because that won’t happen.

Remember there is nothing wrong with you setting boundaries & confronting this person.  Both show you have self respect.  However, also know they may backfire in a sense & make your situation worse.  These narcissists are very talented at recruiting flying monkeys to protect them & also chastise the victim.  When faced with those flying monkeys, ignore what they say.  Don’t discuss the narcissist with them at all. 

Lastly never forget that no one is truly a victim who is angry about anyone setting healthy boundaries with them such as refusing to be manipulated or abused.  Anyone who is angry that someone won’t tolerate their abusive behavior is toxic, period, & not a true victim.

Red Flag: When Someone Says Your Opinions Are Wrong

When you first learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it can seem like you see narcissists everywhere.  I think it’s easy to become hyper alert to any signs of narcissism after suffering so many traumas at the hands of a narcissist. 

While narcissism is quite prevalent in society, not everyone you suspect is a narcissist is really a narcissist.  Thank God for that, am I right?!

There is one red flag though that people need to be aware of.  It can be a sign of narcissism, but isn’t always.  Even so, it’s a sign of a tendency to be controlling.

Whenever you say something about an opinion & the other person disagrees, that is a red flag.  While everyone disagrees sometimes even in close relationships, that shouldn’t be the norm, especially telling you that your opinion is wrong.

An example is someone telling their friend, “I really love that new movie!  It’s the best movie I’ve seen in a long time!”  The other person has seen the movie as well, & responds with, “No, that movie is lame.  That other new movie is way better.”

See what happened?  The second person told the first person their opinion is wrong.  Opinions aren’t right or wrong, they just are.  Telling the first person their opinion is wrong can be a way to appear superior, as if they know better.  It also can be a control tactic by shaming a person into changing their opinion to the other person’s.  Either way, this seems to be a habit with some people, & it’s a habit that can make a person unsafe even if they aren’t a narcissist.

This habit also is often done to people that are viewed as “less than” they are.  Poorer, not as intelligent, not as active in a church, not as successful in their career are some examples of a person who may be viewed by others as “less than.”

The same people who behave this way often get along much better with someone they think is “better than” them, such as someone who is wealthier, smarter, more successful, etc.

While this behavior certainly isn’t the worst form of abuse a person can inflict on another, it still should be considered a red flag.  It’s a form of gaslighting. 

My ex husband behaved this way with me even early in our relationship.  It bothered me but at that time, I was young, in my late teens, & didn’t know anything about red flags back then.  I just remember feeling shame & like he was so much smarter than I, so I should learn from him.  Over time the behavior became much worse.  It got to the point I felt as if I was incredibly stupid, & he was incredibly smart.  I listened less & less to my own feelings & perceptions.  On the rare occasion I spoke up, he made me feel even worse about myself.  

Does this behavior sound familiar to you?  If so, you’re not alone!

First off, never forget to pray!  Ask God to help you to know the truth, ask Him if the other person is right or wrong & why & anything else you can think of.

Also never forget this type of behavior is abnormal.  Someone who behaves like this clearly has issues.  This may be a sign that you need to reconsider being a part of a relationship with someone who behaves this way.

When you have doubts about what they, it say shows you know the real truth, so remember what you know.  Don’t let the other person convince you of anything else.

If you struggle with what they say, document everything.  Writing things down brings a lot of clarity.  It can help you to stay focused on the truth & show you just how bad this person’s behavior really is, which can help you to decide whether or not to continue the relationship.

I wish you the best in your situation!

How Cunning Narcissists Can Be

I have my blog comments set up so I have to approve comments from anyone who hasn’t commented before.  It’s been a useful feature for protecting it from the narcissists in my life as well as weeding out spam.  Thankfully most comments don’t meet that criteria, so rarely is there a comment I don’t approve.  Recently though I had one.  I didn’t approve the comment primarily because I didn’t want anyone new to learning about narcissism to read it & fall for the manipulation in it.  I was simply going to ignore it but I realized it could be an excellent teaching tool.

I won’t share the comment word for word, only parts of it that can be useful for educational purposes.

It started out saying that my article was “insightful.”  Sounds nice, doesn’t it?  But, in true narcissist form, it was an attempt to gain my trust.  Narcissists aren’t ones to complement others to be nice.  Consider love bombing.  It involves lots of complements which lures victims in.  Even if the relationship isn’t romantic, narcissists are very complimentary at first since it helps gain their victims’ trust & create a bond between them.

From there, the commenter said that a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder suffers more than their victims because they have C-PTSD from childhood which lead to them developing NPD.  Then this person explained the disorder.  This is clearly an attempt to appear superior to me by being much more knowledgeable than me on this topic.  The topic I’ve been writing about since about 2011, by the way.  I’m not saying I know everything about narcissism of course, because I definitely don’t.  But, look at this situation for a moment.  Why would anyone talk condescendingly to someone who clearly has plenty of experience & knowledge on a topic?  It’s not as if this person said they have studied it for years, are in the mental health field or even mentioned a past relationship with a narcissist.  No evidence of anything like that was given.  I was just supposed to take them at their word, believing they know much more than me.  That is typical narcissist behavior – they expect to be believed & even revered simply because they are them. 

The person then went on to defend narcissists, saying they are simply unaware of the suffering their behavior causes due to physical issues with their brain, & if I understand at all what goes on in their minds, I will agree.  Rather snarky, right?  The mask was coming off at this point.

They then went on to say that anger is normal, but sometimes anger “can turn you & your actions evil.”  This comment is interesting because it’s trying to lure me back in while insulting me all in one sentence!  Talk about crazy making!  The person validated my anger at narcissists then called me evil.  They didn’t say anger can turn “a person” or “a person’s actions” evil.  They said “you,” which seemed aimed directly at me, not talking about people in general, yet there is plausible deniability in that sentence.  Maybe this person aimed it at me, or maybe they were simply saying any person’s anger can do this to them.  Narcissists love plausible deniability, because it allows them to be hateful while appearing innocent, & if their target says anything, they look petty or even crazy.  Looking at the context of this particular situation though, I tend to believe it was aimed at me. 

They also went on to say I need to understand the intricacies of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, how the narcissist (not sure which one in my life they are referring to) was a victim of child abuse & how doing so will set me free from the resentment I obviously feel.  Why would any person have such sympathy for one person for being a victim of abuse who went on to abuse others yet have so little sympathy for another who also was abused yet did NOT go on to abuse others?  That is very typical narcissist logic.  Normal people see just how intensely wrong that is, but narcissists don’t.  They are always right, victims are always wrong.

The commenter ended by saying I’m in a losing situation followed by a laughing emoji.  In fact, on a hunch I googled this emoji.  It’s called “face with tears of joy” & is used to show someone laughing so hard they have tears in their eyes.  Pretty disturbing when you think about it.  Someone who says they think I am in such a bad way would find it so funny they would not only laugh but to the point of tears.  I think that sums up narcissists beautifully.  They are more than happy, they are simply elated when their victims suffer. 

Just for the record, not only did I not approve the comment, I blocked the commenter from accessing my blog.

I hope this helps give you some insight into just how subtle & wicked narcissists can be.  The more you know, the better prepared you can be when you have to deal with these people. 

What Real Love Looks Like Compared To What Narcissists Call Love

I read an interesting article recently on ibelieve.com about some things adult children wish their parents would say to them as well as tips on how to incorporate them into the relationship with their adult children.  The suggestions in the article struck me as being the exact opposite of what narcissists call love.  I thought it would be a good idea to share them to help victims of narcissistic abuse to understand what real love is & is not.

Thinking before you speak was the first on the list.  In other words, a person trying to show love will be considerate & not rude or critical with their words.  They try to offer encouragement instead of discouragement.  If they must offer correction, they do so gently.  Narcissists are much different.  They may think before they speak, but only of what they can say to inflict the most pain or gain the most control.  They may even call this loving behavior because they claim they are trying to help their victim.  Nothing could be farther from the truth!

Next on the list was not acting like the center of their adult child’s world.  Normal, functional parents realize that they won’t be the center of their child’s world forever.  They may grieve some as it happens, but they also accept that as a natural part of the relationship because that is exactly what it is.  They know their children still love them & they still love their children.  Many narcissistic parents however, expect different from their children.  They expect to remain the center of their children’s world indefinitely.  When the child of a narcissistic parent starts to separate from them, the parent views this as a betrayal on the child’s part.  To narcissistic parents, growing up is proof their children don’t love them anymore.  And, if those children want to prove they love their parents, they must keep them as much the center of their world as possible.  Ignoring their spouse & children in favor of the narcissistic parents is not only acceptable behavior, but it is encouraged.

Third on the list was having a soft reproach.  In other words, being gentle with your words when you must tell someone you disagree with them or disapprove of something they have done.  The Bible describes this as speaking the truth in love.  Obviously, this is NOT something narcissists do.  Overt narcissists are often extremely critical & heartless with their reproach.  Covert narcissists are much more subtle but equally cruel.  They prefer to express disappointment & use guilt trips.  Narcissists will claim they love their adult children which is why they say what they do. 

Fourth on the list was choosing quiet over giving advice.  A person who understands loving behavior recognizes the value of this.  They know unasked for advice is rude & insulting because it basically tells the recipient of this advice they aren’t smart enough to handle the situation on their own.  Rather than make someone feel this way, they remain quiet unless asked for advice.  Narcissists, as usual, behave in the complete opposite way.  They value their own thoughts, feelings & opinions more than making anyone feel loved, so they have no problem forcing their unasked for advice on others.  They may say they are only trying to help because they care, but the truth is giving advice is just one more way for them to show off what they believe is their supreme intellect or to attempt to control another person. 

Last on the list was apologizing.  A person who is humble & loving will apologize to anyone, including their children, when they have done wrong.  Narcissists are far from humble, even the covert ones who put on a false display of humility.  Rather than apologize, they will excuse or deny their bad behavior.  They even may blame their victim for forcing them to do what they did.  When I was in my teens, my mother called her abuse “tough love” & said she was trying to “save me from myself” if I confronted her.  Apologies never happened.  Instead, she tried to convince me love equaled abuse, which is typical narcissistic behavior.

If you are in the position of hearing a narcissist tell you they love you, then please remember what I have shared with you today.  Love shouldn’t hurt you or make you feel badly.  It should prove someone truly cares for you & wants what is best for you.

Coping When Gaslighting Happens

Gaslighting is an incredibly insidious, subtle form of abuse.  In time, it can erode a person’s ability to make decisions by destroying their trust in their own instincts, feelings & perceptions.  It’s evil & horrible, yet it also is seldom seen as such.

Once a person realizes what gaslighting is though, it feels as if enlightenment suddenly has taken place.  Things finally make sense!  This also is the time an abusive person who uses gaslighting steps up their game.

When this happens, the victim of gaslighting goes one of two ways.  Either they think they were wrong, their abuser is not gaslighting them & gaslighting isn’t a real thing or they become determined to fight back.  I truly hope those of you who follow my work are interested in fighting back!  If not, I hope you will be soon!

When a narcissist actively employs gaslighting, confronting them on their behavior is often a waste of time.  Rather than admit their abuse is wrong, they spin the situation around to make their victim look abusive, over sensitive & mentally unstable while simultaneously making them look innocent.  There are times when confronting them is necessary, but often it is best to avoid doing so.  During those times, talking to yourself can be very valuable because it will help you to avoid falling for their abuse.  Following are some helpful affirmations to tell yourself that can help you deal with gaslighting behavior.

“That is NOT how that happened!”  Narcissists love to reinvent the past, glossing over their bad behavior or flat out denying it.  Sometimes simply reminding yourself that what they say isn’t true is enough to keep you focused on the truth rather than believing their lies.  Reinventing the past is a coping skill many narcissists use, & it is their right to do so.  It also is your right not to join in on their dysfunction.

“My response to cruel, contemptible behavior is normal.  What is NOT normal is the fact you think that what you are saying & doing is acceptable & normal.” Narcissists try to make their victims feel like the problem, & that their reactions are completely wrong.  This is NOT true!  Remind yourself that their behavior is the problem, not your reaction to it.  Being angry, insulted, hurt, & outraged is normal in abnormal circumstances!

“Me wanting you to be accountable for your behavior doesn’t make me a bad person.  It makes me normal.”  Narcissists can’t stand being accountable for their behavior, & will do anything to avoid it.  Accountability isn’t a bad thing & people should be accountable for their behavior.  Only people behaving badly want to avoid it.

“My thoughts, opinions, needs, feelings & even my humanity matter.  Period!”  Narcissists try to make their victims feel as if there is nothing about them that matters.  They are WRONG!  Every single person matters, no matter what narcissists may think.

“No one can dictate how I feel & what hurts me.”  Narcissists are notorious for telling their victims how they think they should feel as a way to manipulate them.  This is so wrong!  No one has the right to tell any other person how they “should” feel. 

“God doesn’t love you because of how you treat me!”  Some narcissists use religion to justify their wicked behavior & many even try to twist His word around to justify their behavior.  This is extremely WRONG!  God loves the people He has created & it pains Him when they harm each other.  When a person sets boundaries with an abuser, that isn’t harmful to the abuser.  It is normal, reasonable behavior.

I hope these affirmations help you to avoid falling for gaslighting & cling to the truth instead.

Why Narcissists Play Dumb

There are some people who believe that narcissists dumb.  Too dumb to realize what they are doing is hurtful, too dumb to know any better, that sort of thing.  Covert narcissists in particular will act the part well even though the truth is they are far from dumb.  Many are extremely intelligent but hide it by being very good at playing dumb. 

Playing dumb works very well for narcissists.  People learn not to expect much from them, because if they aren’t smart, they won’t know what to do or how to do things.  This means these narcissists can relax while others do for them without complaint.

Narcissists who convince others they are dumb also can get away with pretty much any behavior because people think they don’t know any better.  They can do something hurtful, then claim they didn’t know what they did would hurt the victim or they didn’t realize that what they did was wrong.  Since narcissists are convincing actors, they may even shed a few tears.  As a result, their victim will feel they are wrong for being upset with the narcissist, & forgive them for whatever they did.  My late mother in-law did this one.  She used to go through my purse if I left it unsupervised.  Once, she left money in it.  It felt to me like she was doing that so I’d let her keep snooping through my purse, & I was livid.  When my husband confronted her, I overheard her saying she had no idea I’d be upset by that.  She said she just had all this extra cash lying around & she didn’t know what else to do with it.  She acted as if she was hurt that I was upset with her.  She appeared to be the victim in this situation & I was looked at badly for being angry at her.

Someone who isn’t smart would not have come up with handling a situation in this way.

If you ever have doubts that the narcissist in your life truly isn’t very smart or is unaware of just how bad their behavior is, then think about it for a few minutes.  Try not to let your emotions get involved.  Simply think about what this person does & how they do things.  Does the narcissist in your life behave one way when you two are alone & very differently when someone else is with you two?  That proves he or she knows what they’re doing is wrong.  Someone who truly doesn’t know their actions are wrong won’t try to hide them.  Is this person manipulative, able to get others to do whatever they like?  Does this person say they don’t know how to do something when you know perfectly well that they do know how to do it or things that are much more complicated?  These are signs that the narcissist is smart.  No one can be stupid yet highly manipulative.  It takes intelligence & the ability to read & understand people to be manipulative.

The next time you are forced to deal with a narcissist who acts as if they just don’t know any better or they didn’t realize their actions were hurtful or wrong, don’t believe the act.  True narcissists do know what they are doing, & they do what they do because it gets them what they want.  They aren’t naïve about their behavior.  The truth is that sometimes they don’t care that their actions hurt others & other times they get great pleasure out of hurting others.  That isn’t naiveté.  That is evil.

Being “Oversensitive”

Anyone who has been subjected to narcissistic abuse most likely has been ridiculed, judged & criticized for being too sensitive.  Claiming their victim is too sensitive seems to be one of the favorite ways all narcissists love to abuse.  It’s no wonder, really.  It’s a pretty effective weapon when you think about it.  If someone can convince you that you are in the wrong for being upset about something they say or do, then you will stop verbalizing your feelings.  Instead of confronting them, you may still feel upset, but you will tolerate what they do quietly rather than face their harsh judgment.  It’s just natural behavior.  At least until you learn that this really isn’t about you being too sensitive.  It’s about the narcissist being an abusive jerk.

One thing about being “too sensitive” I’ve come to realize though is being sensitive truly is NOT a sign of weakness.  I know, narcissists say it is, but it isn’t.  It’s more a sign of weakness to hide your feelings.

Hiding rather than being open about being a sensitive person certainly can appear to be the best & easiest choice, but really, I don’t think it is.  Feelings must be processed, & if they aren’t processed in healthy ways, they’ll manifest in very unhealthy ways such as physical & mental health problems.  Heart disease, high blood pressure, kidney disease, adrenal fatigue & diabetes often can manifest in people who are very adept at hiding their true feelings.  Anxiety & depression, even to the point of suicide are common among people who keep their feelings inside.

Being sensitive takes courage.  Admitting how you feel goes against the norm, & can be met with intense cruelty.  Not many people can handle someone’s honesty about their feelings.  They only want people around them to act happy & as if nothing bad ever happens to them.  They don’t want to hear anything negative or be forced to deal with a topic that’s deeper than the very superficial.  There are also those, like narcissists, who see people who are openly sensitive as weak.  Anyone abused by a narcissist knows this, & exactly how hard it is to deal with people like this.  Being willing to be vulnerable takes courage, but especially after being mocked & abused for being this way.

Being sensitive also is a sign that you have a loving heart.  Again, another thing narcissists will say isn’t true, but as usual, they’re wrong.  You’re offended for someone who is treated poorly & angry for those who are abused because you care about people & don’t want to see them hurt.  This goes for yourself too.  If someone hurts you & it upsets you, that’s because you love yourself & know you deserve better than to be treated like this.  That loving heart can help you to create healthy boundaries & even confront people about their bad behavior when it would be simpler to pretend they didn’t do whatever it was they just did that hurt you.

The next time someone criticizes you for being oversensitive, remind yourself that being sensitive is simply proof that you are a wonderful person.  If someone can’t appreciate that fact, it’s their loss.  You just be you, & don’t worry about their approval.  Stand up for what’s right, cry at sad songs & movies & don’t hide your feelings!  Be proud of being a rare gem by being a caring, sensitive person! 

When Narcissists Manipulate By Appearing Confident

When I was married to my narcissistic ex husband, he said many bizarre things.  One of those things came to mind recently.  He said that it is impossible for someone to think another person is attractive without wanting to have sex with that person.  According to his so called “wisdom”, every single person in the world thinks exactly this way, except me, so clearly there was something very wrong with me. 

At the time of this conversation, I was a typical victim of narcissistic abuse.  Thanks to the narcissists in my life, I believed I was incredibly stupid, so I believed what narcissists said no matter what evidence there was to contradict their words.  Obviously they were much smarter than dumb me, so I had to listen to them, I thought.  So naturally, I believed this lie & others my ex told me.  This one was different though.  Even though I felt ashamed for being so “weird” in this area, I couldn’t make myself agree with him. 

Over the many years since our divorce, I wondered once in a while what his statement was about.  It wasn’t until I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder that I figured it out.  Since many narcissists behave similarly, I thought I’d share my findings.

When narcissists say something with such utter certainty as my ex did, there is a reason for it.  Never forget that.  They aren’t talking just to hear themselves talk, although they do love the sound of their own voice.  Narcissists always have motives with everything they say & do.  What they say isn’t simply empty words.  They’re said with purpose.

They may be trying to gaslight their victim into believing something they want their victim to believe.  When someone hears something said enough & with enough certainty, chances are excellent they’ll start to believe that thing.  In my situation, I believe my ex wanted me to think that way.  He wanted others involved in our marriage, so he was trying to make me feel wrong for not wanting the same.  If he could make me feel flawed enough, he thought he could make me change my mind.

I think my ex was also trying to normalize that behavior.  If I believed it was normal, I wouldn’t have been upset to find out he was unfaithful.  I would have accepted it as just a part of life, without complaint. This is a pretty common tactic of narcissists.  If they can make their victim think something is normal, it’s a big victory for them.  The victim will tolerate that thing that the narcissist wants them to tolerate, even if it is something they originally thought was wrong.

Narcissists love to shame their victims to make them be easier to control.  Remember how my ex told me that everyone in the world thinks the same way on that topic?  That was a shaming statement.  I was supposed to realize how wrong I was, because I was the only person in the entire world who felt as I did.  If he could’ve just made me feel badly enough, he could’ve convinced me that he was right, I was wrong, & he would have won this battle.

When you are faced with this type of manipulation, it is important to trust your gut.  What you feel inside is what is truly right, not what the narcissist claims is right.  If you get confused or feel conflicted, take some time to pray.  If you can’t get away to do this, a simple, “Father, help me!” prayer can make all the difference in the world. 

It also helps to consider what the person has said logically.  Ask yourself does what they say make sense.  Using my situation again as an example, logical questions I asked myself could have been something like.. how is he qualified to know how every single person in the entire world feels on this topic?  Does this belief include thinking a family member is attractive?  What about the fact I’m straight- does he think if I think another woman is pretty I should want to have sex with her?  

These sort of mind games are difficult when you are in the situation, but they can be handled.  Slow your thinking down so you can think rationally about things, be true to yourself, & take no crap!  Don’t let a narcissist manipulate you!

When Narcissists Stalk Victims Online

Narcissists & their flying monkeys are notorious for stalking their victims.  Often, they do this in real life, showing up at a victim’s work or home.  Sometimes even random places like their gym, grocery store or favorite coffee shop.  Even more common though, is narcissists who stalk their victims online.

I’ve been subjected to this, sadly by my own family.  Those who stopped speaking to me or never really spoke to me have read this blog, read my website, subscribed to my Facebook page & even tried to join my Facebook group.  They were clearly offended by what I write about.  One particularly repugnant relative even told my mother what I write about.  I learned this after she died & it was extremely upsetting.  In spite of our relationship, I never wanted my parents to be hurt by learning what I write about.  I didn’t discuss it with relatives either in the hopes no one would know or tell my parents what I write about.

The reason narcissists & their flying monkeys (who I have said before I believe are often narcissists, too) stalk their victims online isn’t because they care about the victim at all.  They are simply nosy or trying to manipulate their victim.

Narcissists want to know that the victim who got away from them is despondent & failing in life.  The narcissist wants to know that person can’t possibly succeed without them.  They want to know that their victim is utterly alone, without friends, family or true love.

In other words, they are looking for proof that their victim is just as lonely, miserable & unsuccessful in life as they are.

Narcissists are incapable of feeling a good, healthy, functional or Godly love like the average person.  They feel a very different kind of love.  They enjoy the narcissistic supply their victims provide them with while in the relationship.  They may even feel a bit of fondness for the victim, especially if that victim provides particularly good narcissistic supply.  These feelings are as close as narcissists come to feeling love as most people know it.

Narcissists also are all about appearances, as everyone who knows anything about narcissists knows.  By following victims on social media, they can look as if they care about the victim while not actually caring & at the same time looking for signs that their victim is miserable.

Another possible motive they have is by stalking victims online is they think that shows they care rather than it being all about control & manipulation.  If a narcissist is trying to lure a victim back into the relationship, many honestly think that stalking them in this way is a good way to do it.  They believe one of two things about their behavior: either the victim will think it’s “romantic” that the narcissist clearly can’t live without them, or if they inundate the victim with enough constant messages on social media, emails, etc., they can wear the victim down enough to force this person to return to the relationship just to make the constant harassment stop.  Either way, the narcissist believes this stalking type behavior will get them what they want from their victim.

If you’re in this situation, my heart goes out to you.  It doesn’t sound so bad, someone constantly texting you or following you on Facebook, but it truly can be terrifying.  It’s so unnerving that a person can devote so much time & energy to abusing someone.  It makes you wonder what else they’re capable of, when will they stop, what is next & a plethora of unsettling things.

The best advice I know to give you is this.  If you’re in this situation, block this narcissist at every turn, along with their flying monkeys.  Before you do that though, take screen shots & save them either on cloud storage or email them to yourself so you won’t lose them if your phone or computer die.  You may need documentation if you choose to involve law enforcement.  Chances are excellent they’ll simply use other means to contact you, so you’re going to have to keep blocking them.  Don’t look at messages from names you don’t recognize, or if you do & realize it’s the narcissist, take a screen shot or save the emails before you block them.  It’s frustrating I know, but keep doing this.  Eventually the narcissist will give up.  It may take a long time, but it will happen!

When People Must Share Their Opinions With You, Whether Or Not You Want Them To

I’ve noticed many people feel they must share any & all opinions, no matter whether or not other people asked them for those opinions & no matter how negative those opinions are.  Probably this is due to social media, & the ability to say anything without fear of any real repercussions from most “friends”.  Whatever the reason, it is highly annoying!  It seems nothing is a safe topic of discussion anymore.

If you think about it, you probably will realize how many folks share their less than encouraging opinions freely, no matter the topic.  Mention your thoughts on children, for example, whether or not to have children, your feelings on abortion or child rearing.  People will come out of nowhere to tell you how wrong you are & why you should think the same way they do.  Some folks tell those who have children things like they weren’t a real parent because they only had one child, they have too many children if they have more than one, or they were wrong for bottle feeding over breast feeding.  Then there are others who are adamantly against abortion because they say life is precious, yet these same people have no problem discussing their disdain for so called dirty or dumb animals & insulting vegetarians or vegans.

It amazes me that people think that their opinions are so incredibly important that they must be shared freely & with every single person they meet!

Chances are you will be subjected to this obnoxious situation at some point in your life.  And, if you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse, it can be very upsetting.  After experiencing the constant criticisms of a narcissist, you easily can become completely fed up with hearing such negativity.  That is understandable!  After experiencing this situation though I realized some things, & I want to share these things with you today.

You may never be ok with such behavior.  For one thing, it can trigger the same emotions you felt when the narcissist in your life tried to hurt you by telling you how terrible your feelings, opinions, thoughts, & everything about you were.  Early in healing, this behavior is very hard to handle because of that.  The more you heal though, the better you learn to handle triggering behavior of other people.  You see it for what it is, & handle the situation accordingly.

It’s also highly insulting when someone criticizes things that are important to you.  Insulting behavior isn’t something anyone should be ok with experiencing!  That being said though, the more you heal, the less it bothers you.  As you heal, you care less & less what other people think of you.  You realize their opinions are just that.  Theirs!  You also realize what they think is best for you isn’t necessarily what truly is best for you.  Only you know what is best for you.

What becomes more offensive than the opinions of other people is the fact that they are comfortable being disrespectful to you.  It can be very helpful to recognize why this person feels this way.  They may simply recognize you as a safe person for venting their anger or frustration at themselves on, which is why they mistreat you.  Or, this behavior may realize this person is a narcissist.  In any case, whether the person’s intentions towards you were malicious or not, it’s important to exercise healthy boundaries.  You don’t deserve to be mistreated.

Recognizing why they treat you this way can be very helpful too, because you see that their behavior isn’t about you.  It’s about them & their own dysfunction.

Unfortunately, many people seem to think they must have & share opinions on everything.  Although that is a waste of time to more functional individuals who recognize that they don’t need to have opinions on everything, let alone share them with everyone, dysfunctional people don’t see that.  Learning to deal with these people in a healthy way is a very useful skill to help you live a peaceful life.

When Covert Narcissists Act Immature, Incompetent, & Dumb

A very common tactic of covert narcissists is to portray themselves as immature, incompetent & even dumb. Considering all narcissists want to be seen as special & even superior people, this sounds wrong, but I can assure you, it happens.  I’ve seen it first hand.

Whether a narcissist is overt or covert, two of their main goals are to abuse & control their victims.  Appearing not overly capable allows narcissists to do just this while receiving no consequences whatsoever, because people often believe that the narcissist who behaves this way simply doesn’t know any better.  Consider these scenarios

A child who grows up with a covertly narcissistic parent like this often is assigned the role of protector of that parent.  Since narcissists often marry, mostly an overt & a covert narcissist, the child protects the covert narcissist parent from the overt one.  The covert narcissist can get away with just as much if not more abuse than the overt one, because the overt is in the spotlight.  There is no denying the abusive ways of the overt narcissist.  Covert narcissistic parents however, can fly under the radar, abusing their children quietly through manipulation while getting their children to protect them from the overt narcissistic parent.  They end up looking like the good parent, & the child honestly believes they are until they learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  This is how I grew up with a covert narcissist father & overt narcissist mother, & my story is very common.

Consider the common scenario of the covertly narcissistic mother in-law who is verbally abusive to her daughter in-law when they are alone, & never in front of her son.  When the daughter in-law tells her husband, this can go several ways.  One is the husband defends his mother.  He hasn’t seen her do anything his wife says she has, so he doesn’t believe his wife is telling the truth about his mother.  Or, he defends his mother saying yes, she can be hurtful sometimes, but she just doesn’t know any better so the wife can’t get mad at her.  Or, maybe he does believe his wife, & then confronts his mother.  His mother claims she had no idea what she said would upset his wife.  She cries & says she meant no harm, she was just trying to help.  He believes this victim act & stops defending his wife to his mother rather than face her crocodile tears.  By acting immature & unintelligent, this person is able to get away with abusing her daughter in-law, having her son protect her instead of his wife & she has caused a giant rift in their marriage.

Using a covertly narcissistic mother in-law as an example again (since I have plenty of experience in this area), consider this scenario.  This mother in-law hates that her recently married son isn’t spending as much time with her as he once did.  Naturally all parents aren’t thrilled by that, but most take it in stride as a natural course of events.  Narcissistic parents however take it as a personal slight against them, as if their adult child’s new spouse married them for the sole purpose of stealing them from their parents.  Rather than simply call her son & say, “I miss you.  Would you & your wife like to come to dinner next weekend?  I’ll make your favorite dish”, covert narcissistic mothers plan.  The mother in this situation can come up with all sorts of things she needs her son to help her with because she claims she doesn’t know how to do these things.  Since he does, she needs his help.  She often creates more & more tasks for him, taking him away from his new wife.  She may even invent a need for him on his anniversary or his wife’s birthday, claiming she forgot the date.  If his wife protests, he feels torn because although he may want to spend more time with his wife, he feels badly for his poor helpless mom who needs him.  He may even see his wife as unreasonable & selfish.  Another giant rift in the adult son’s marriage can be caused by this situation.

If you recognize someone you know in these behaviors, then chances are excellent you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.  If that is the case, there are some ways to help you handle this situation. 

Never provide this person personal details or information, since that will be used against you at some point. 

Never show them any emotions, because showing emotions helps narcissists figure out what works in hurting or abusing victims. 

Do NOT allow this person to manipulate you.  Recognize the signs & change the subject, hang up the phone or leave when the manipulation starts. 

Try never to be alone with them.  Covert narcissists behave better when there are witnesses. 

Don’t ever think they just don’t know any better.  They DO know better, but they don’t see a reason to behave better. 

Never forget that no one can be devious & stupid at the same time. 

About People Who Push Your Buttons

The world is full of many people.  Some of those people seem to have a knack for pushing every button you have.  Something about them constantly gets under your skin.  It seems like every single time you speak to them, you walk away angry or hurt.  Possibly the worst part of it is when you say something to them, no matter how gently you phrase it, somehow they twist the conversation around to the point you end up feeling badly for upsetting them. 

While many people don’t want to believe this, those people are almost always covert narcissists.  Yes, it does sound harsh to label them as such.  No, I don’t know the person you know who behaves this way.  Yet, I feel safe in standing by my statement that this person is almost certainly a covert narcissist.

Covert narcissists love to push people’s buttons.  They say cruel things to someone either about that person or those the person loves.  That person’s family, job, hobbies, beliefs, likes, dislikes & more are all targets for the covert narcissist’s criticism.  However, their nastiness often happens only when their victim is alone with them.  If the victim is with the narcissist & at least one other person, the narcissist is often as sweet as can be.  That way, if the victim gets angry at the narcissist’s fake behavior, they aren’t believed.  They would look foolish because others only see the good behavior.  An example I can give of this behavior from my own life happened with my late mother in-law.  My husband & I eloped.  Not long after we got home, we visited his parents as we did constantly during that time.  His mother & I were alone washing dishes while he & his father were elsewhere in the house.  His mother told me how she & his father were horribly disappointed that my husband married me instead of an ex.  A short time later, my in-laws had a party.  At said party, my mother in-law told her sister, “I want you to meet my beautiful daughter in-law!”  I obviously was angry & disgusted, but who upon seeing this would have believed how awful my previous interaction with my mother in-law had been?

Covert narcissists also like to play dumb regarding so many things, including their button pushing behavior.  Playing dumb is very advantageous to them.  It means people think they can’t do much so they do things for the narcissist.  They get joy from being able to make people do things for them.  It also works well when they push other people’s buttons.  If the victim confronts the narcissist, the narcissist can play dumb & claim they didn’t know what they said or did would upset the victim or that they were simply trying to help.  Either way, if a victim is unaware of this tactic, often they will feel badly for misunderstanding the narcissist.  They will let the issue go.  As an added bonus for the narcissist, this also teaches the victim to be more tolerant of abuse.  Victims come to think the narcissist truly doesn’t know any better, so they need to overlook anything that the narcissist says or does that is upsetting. 

The truth about covert narcissists & their button pushing behavior is they know exactly what they are doing.  They aren’t naïve.  They only play naïve in order to get their way.  No one who is truly naïve knows exactly who they need to hide certain behaviors from & has the self control to do this.  Also a truly naïve person wouldn’t know that certain things are especially upsetting, let alone continue to do them regularly.  This is especially true if you have told this person their behavior upsets you.  Anyone who knows something is upsetting & yet continues to do it knows just what they are doing & make no mistake, this is abuse!  A normal, functional person with even a minimal degree of empathy would stop doing hurtful things upon finding out something they say or do hurts other people. 

I know this can be hard to believe, that someone you care for is this type of person, but accepting this fact is truly life changing.  Understanding the truth about people in your life & learning ways to deal with them enables you to have much healthier relationships.  You have more peace & joy.  Best of all you learn to avoid abusive people.

How Narcissists Instill Toxic Shame In Their Children

Instilling a root of toxic shame in children is something narcissistic parents do amazingly well.  And they really have to if they wish their child to be compliant & easily manipulated.  A person who is ashamed of everything about themselves is very easy to control, because they assume someone else always knows better than they do.  When that someone else is a person in a position of authority like a parent & the victim is a young child who naturally looks to that parent for everything, it can be very easy for that parent to plant the seeds of toxic shame in that child.

On first glance, it may be somewhat hard to recognize exactly how a parent accomplishes this goal.  That is why we’re talking about it today, to help you recognize how your narcissistic parent created this root of toxic shame in you.

Narcissistic parents primarily instill toxic shame in their children by destroying their child’s self confidence.  This is done by telling the child they can’t do anything right, by doing things for the child & claiming it’s because that child can’t do tasks right, telling embarrassing stories about them that may or may not be true, exaggerating any faults the child has or once had, or reminding the child of the many times that parent rescued the child from his or her bad decisions even though those times may not have even happened.  Such actions can destroy a child’s self confidence & leave them to think they are so incapable that they need their parent to take care of them, even as adults.

When a narcissistic parent says, “I was just joking,” you can count on that being a way to instill shame in their child.  No, they weren’t just joking.  They were deliberately saying something cruel to their child as a way to build that toxic shame.  When the child showed hurt feelings, the parent said they were “just joking” as a way to make that child feel ashamed of being upset at the parent.  If the parent can convince the child that he or she was just joking & the child was wrong to be upset, the child will tolerate the cruel words said in this instance & in the future.  Sometimes the child in this situation will defend themselves to their parent.  Their parent uses their normal reaction to prove to the child how unstable the child is.  Narcissistic parents can use either reaction to create toxic shame in their child.

Blame shifting is another effective way to instill toxic shame in children.  I remember when my mother would say the most unimaginably cruel things to me, usually screaming them at me when we were alone, & blame me for making her say those things.  I felt terrible for making her behave so awfully.  That is typical.  Blame shifting enables narcissists to abuse their child without accountability.  The child learns to tolerate abuse because they are to blame.  If they would just act right, the parent wouldn’t be abusive.  What the child fails to realize is nothing they could do would make that happen, so when their parent is abusive repeatedly, they accept that it is their fault, which results in feeling toxic shame.

Narcissistic parents who play the victim instill toxic shame in their children.  Covert narcissistic parents in particular love the victim act, but overts aren’t above using it either.  Narcissistic parents will infuriate their children then use their children’s reaction to prove to the child just how mean & horrible that child is to their parent.  This naturally makes the child in this situation feel ashamed of themselves for being so terrible to their parent for no good reason.

Talking above or below the child’s level instills toxic shame.  Talking above a child makes the child feel stupid for not understanding what their parent is talking about.  Never mind that parent may not be as intelligent as the child & is talking in circles with confidence in their words to confuse the child.  Talking down to a child by treating a child or adult child as if they are still very young makes the child feel as if their parent is superior to them. 

If you have experienced these things from your narcissistic parent, hope is not lost.  You can heal!  It will take time & effort, but you can do it.  You need to identify your parent’s shaming voice & what it tells you, then counteract that voice with the truth.  Write things down if it helps you.  If you struggle with this, asking God to help you can do wonders to shut down the shaming voice & help you to see the truth! 

One Of The Narcissist’s Weapons – Touch

One way of controlling victims that narcissists use is touch. 

Touch is a very intimate thing.  It usually is allowed by only those closest to us.  Most people are uncomfortable with someone touching them who they aren’t close to unless that touch is nothing more than a simple hand shake.  After all, most touching behaviors that are common in close relationships are highly inappropriate when they come from strangers.  How awkward would it be for a stranger to hold your hand?  Hug you?  Kiss you?  Put their arm around you?  It would be incredibly awkward.

Yet, in such situations, sometimes people will tolerate the awkward touching rather than speak up.  Narcissists love to manipulate those people.

Touch is a way of increasing closeness & intimacy, in particular in romantic relationships.  Consider a healthy dating relationship for example.  That first time holding hands or that first kiss makes the couple feel close to each other.  Naturally that is a very positive way to use touch.  Narcissists will not hesitate to mimic it in order to gain control over their victim.  In fact, touch is such an effective weapon, it is commonly used by pedophiles to test the boundaries of children they wish to abuse.

When a narcissist first meets their victim, naturally they won’t begin using touch obviously.  It probably will be subtle, such as the male narcissist putting his hand on their female victim’s waist as she enters an open door or the female narcissist touching her male victim’s arm as he speaks.  Such touches seem innocent & many people won’t give them another thought.  The manipulation begins to work though whether or not the victim realizes it.  Those simple touches so early on increase a sense of intimacy & closeness.

When the narcissist sees such touches are accepted by the victim, they will push the boundaries a little further.  When those touches are accepted, the narcissist will push the boundaries a bit further, & the cycle continues.  As the cycle continues, they get more comfortable pushing all boundaries with their victims.  Then before they know it, the victim is going along with whatever the narcissist wants.

In romantic relationships, this touching thing is also a way to show others who the victim belongs to.  When dating, my ex husband constantly touched me.  His arm was around me, he was holding my hand, he wanted me to sit on his lap.. something to show other people that I was his property.  I found it very awkward sometimes but ignored it because, like most raised by narcissistic parents, I didn’t pay attention to my feelings.  It wasn’t until years later when my grandfather mentioned this & how disturbing he found it I realized how weird it was.  Not knowing about narcissism at that time, all I realized was my ex wanted to show others that I was his “property”, which was pretty unsettling.

If you meet someone new & they are too comfortable touching you, consider that to be a red flag.  Not all people who are the “touchy feely” type are narcissists of course, but some are.  Pay attention to the person’s behavior.  If they consistently push boundaries with you, that is clearly a red flag.  If you ask them to stop touching you & they don’t or accuse you of being over sensitive, that is another.  The average person will respect your boundaries & alter their behavior, no matter how accustomed to & comfortable with physical touch they are.

Also, if you are involved with someone romantically who insists on touching you constantly, then it may be a red flag of narcissism.  Consider this person’s behavior as objectively as you can.  Ask yourself if they have shown other signs of narcissism.  If they have, then act accordingly to protect yourself. That is your right!

How Narcissists Like Making You Feel Dumb To Make Themselves Feel Smart & Superior

I was mopping my basement floor in our old house one morning when I remembered the oddest thing.  The paint was flaking off badly, & had been since immediately after I painted that floor not long before we moved into our home.  I’d never painted concrete before & had no clue it required special prep before paint.

What I remembered was how about the time my husband & I went to settlement on our house, I mentioned to both my father & father in-law on separate occasions that I was going to paint the basement walls & floor first, so we could start to move our belongings in the basement very soon after settlement.  Then I would focus on painting the main level.  Neither my father nor father in-law said a word.

Shortly after, I told both fathers on separate occasions again that I had finished painting the basement.  Both men had the exact same reaction.  They asked if I prepared the floor with muriatic acid before painting.  I was surprised because I never even heard of this product.  I told them no.  And again, both men had the same reaction.  Both shook their heads & smirked at me, not saying another word.

Having never painted any concrete before, I had no idea that muriatic acid could be used to pre-treat concrete to help paint stick to the surface.  A little tip that might have been nice to know prior to working so hard painting the entire concrete floor in my home’s basement, don’t you think?

Unfortunately, both my father & father in-law were narcissists.  My father a covert one who became more overt as he got older & developed Alzheimer’s.  My father in-law was overt in his younger days & became much less narcissistic as he got older in spite of having dementia. 

When I thought about this situation, I realized that their responses were typically narcissistic, & I’ll tell you why.  Both men had the typical male need to feel useful, but I believe being narcissists, it was very exaggerated.  I can’t help but wonder if me not asking for their advice prior to my painting task offended them to the point of narcissistic injury.  It’s entirely possible of course.  Narcissists get offended so easily.

What also is entirely possible is that by not giving me the information they knew I needed, they set me up in order to feel superior.  Narcissists LOVE to feel superior to other people in any & every way.  It props up their ego & seems to just feel really good to them.  While almost anyone can appreciate feeling superior to some small degree, narcissists take it to an extreme.  They need it like an addict needs their drug of choice, & many times, will do anything in order to access that feeling of superiority.  They have no problem withholding information or providing false information, or even blatantly lying to or about their victim.  Whatever it takes to make them feel superior is going to be done.  If you or someone else gets hurt in the process, that isn’t important.  What the narcissist wants is the only thing that matters.  At least to the narcissist, that is.

Knowing this information is vital for anyone who comes in contact with a narcissist in any capacity.  It can help you to avoid a great deal of frustration & wondering why they did what they did.  Remember that they are selfish to the extreme, & all that matters to them is whatever they want at that specific moment.  Hurting others to get that is not a big deal to anyone who lacks empathy, like narcissists.  It’s very sad that there are people out there who are so pathetic they are willing to hurt anyone & everyone to accomplish their goals, but unfortunately, there are people like that.  And they are everywhere!  Be aware of that fact & protect yourself!

People Who Believe Their Opinions Are The Only Right Ones

Recently I saw something on facebook.  The post was about how single women without children rank highest in happiness according to some study.  I didn’t read the article to know who did the study or any details of it, but I did notice the comments on the article.  They were shocking to say the least.

Some people said of course they are, because single, childless women aren’t tied down to lazy husbands & bratty kids or similar, very negative comments.  Other people said it’s impossible for a single, childless woman to be happy because God made human beings to be married & make a family together.   People on both sides of the argument were extremely adamant that they were completely right, & the other side was completely wrong.

I’ve noticed this same scenario with other topics, such as eating meat versus being vegetarian.  Frankly, I find it utterly disturbing!  There are many issues like this that aren’t black & white, right or wrong.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with people’s beliefs on either side of many issues.  What is wrong is the fact that some people think it is their right to push their views onto other people as if their views are the only right ones.  It’s controlling, very disrespectful & even typical of many narcissists.  This behavior becomes even more disturbing to me when the pushy person claims to be a Christian.

The Bible states that Christians aren’t to judge other people, according to Romans 2:1 & Matthew 7:1 just to site a couple of examples.  We are only to judge things in a discerning way.  We are to judge if someone or something is good or bad for us.  We are to judge our own words & behavior, doing & saying what is Godly & avoiding things that aren’t.  Judging for the purpose of criticism or as an attempt to change someone however is a big problem.

Clearly it is wrong to judge a person for doing something that isn’t wrong.  For example, if someone prefers to remain single then as a Christian, it isn’t your place to tell this person how wrong & evil they are for their choice!  Their choice is hurting no one, it works well for them, & God isn’t going to condemn this person to Hell for not wanting to get married.  If God doesn’t have a problem with the behavior, people shouldn’t either. 

Romans 14:1-4 in the Amplified Bible explains the best way to handle differing opinions.  It says, “¹As for the one whose faith is weak, accept him [into your fellowship], but not for [the purpose of] quarreling over his opinions. ² One man’s faith permits him to eat everything, while the weak believer eats only vegetables [to avoid eating ritually unclean meat or something previously considered unclean]. ³ The one who eats [everything] is not to look down on the one who does not eat, and the one who does not eat must not criticize or pass judgment on the one who eats [everything], for God has accepted him. ⁴ Who are you to judge the servant of another? Before his own master he stands [approved] or falls [out of favor]. And he [who serves the Master—the Lord] will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.” 

I know there are times it can be extremely difficult when someone’s thinking is much different than yours.  Rather than get into a disagreement though, keep in mind what Romans 14:1-4 says.  Let that person have their beliefs without your criticism.  If they opt to criticize you or try to change your thinking, don’t get drawn into a disagreement.  Each of you is entitled to your own opinion.

The Facts About Coersive Control

No Win Situations & Narcissists

Setting you up in a no win situation is one of many weapons in the narcissist’s arsenal.  They put you in a situation where you can’t win so they have a reason to be angry with or hurt by you, or to make you do what they want.

In my late teens, my mother’s abuse was at its peak.  She would scream at me so often, it was just a way of life for me then.  She didn’t have any valid reason to scream at me, so she would often make up reasons or put me in a situation where I would be wrong no matter what.   One example that comes to mind took place not long after I met my now ex husband.  Upon seeing him for the first time, my mother hated him & told me to stay away from him.  I liked him so I sneaked around behind her back at work & school to see him. (The rest of the time I was with my mother).  He & I worked together, & often closed the place.  I wasn’t allowed to have a car, so my mother took me to & from work & school.  When my ex & I walked out from work together, my mother screamed at me as soon as I got into the car for spending time with him.  When I walked out first on the next evening we worked together, she screamed at me again for him “hiding from her”, “not having the guts to face her, “& “being a coward”.  Then on the next evening we shared a shift, he left first as I hung back.  Then she screamed at me for him “being so cocky”,  leaving work before me.  There were only three ways to handle the situation & she got mad at every single one of them.  She created the perfect no win situation.  When I tried talking to her about it, she screamed at me for not knowing what she expected of me.  It was devastating to me & made me feel crazy.  It didn’t matter to her it hurt me though- as long as she felt better, that’s all that mattered.  That’s how narcissists are- so long as they benefit, it doesn’t matter who they hurt or destroy.

Unfortunately, I’ve never found a really good way to deal with it.  That’s why it’s called a “no win” situation, I suppose.  All I have learned is not to engage in the behavior.  Let the narcissist have the temper tantrum but you remain calm.  Showing narcissists emotions only gives them supply so you refuse to do that!  Do NOT apologize if you weren’t wrong.  Change the topic.  Leave the room or hang up the phone.

Always remember, this is NOT normal behavior!  The person who puts another in a no win situation is not normal.  There is something very wrong with that person, not you.

How Narcissists Manipulate Their Victims

One of the favorite tools of narcissists is saying something that may seem innocuous but in truth, it’s designed to cause hurt or anger.  Years ago, my late mother in-law  asked something me in front of my husband… “Is your car running ok?”  Sounds innocent.  Also, every time we went to her home, we were in my husband’s car so how was she to know if it was running or not?  The truth was she hated my car.  She told me many times I should get rid of it.  Her “innocent” comment was one more way to say she thought my car was a piece of junk.  Later, when I said something to my husband, he defended his mother.  He never heard her tell me how she hated my car, & as I said, when we visited her, we took his car.  He saw no evidence that what I said was true.

This is a very effective tactic!  What narcissists say may sound helpful or nice, & may even have a victim believing that for a second, but it’s manipulation.  It’s also said as it is to cause confusion, so when you confront the narcissist, they can deny any wrong doing. As an added bonus, narcissists like witnesses, so they can validate that the narcissist didn’t mean any harm & you’re wrong, as in the situation with my mother in-law.  This provides the narcissist with their precious narcissistic supply.  And, if you stay silent, this also provides the narcissist with supply, because they see they have control over you.

The coup de gras is when the narcissist can make you apologize for your valid feelings.  Unfortunately this happens often, because such devious techniques can be very difficult to spot.

There are different ways narcissist use this technique.  Some are listed below so you can learn to spot this manipulation as soon as it begins.

• Mentioning an ex frequently.  Narcissists love to say “my ex is still in love with me”, that he or she called or they ran into each other somewhere.  They also may mention good qualities about this ex.  This is to make you jealous & insecure, by letting you know the narcissist has other, better options.  If you say anything, the narcissist says you’re insecure, & have no need to worry.  The reassurance doesn’t feel so reassuring, however.
• Narcissists like to flirt, but not necessarily with their partner.  A narcissistic significant other has no trouble flirting with other people in front of their mate.  When confronted, they say things like they’re just being friendly, you need to stop being so insecure & the flirting doesn’t mean anything since you are the one he or she comes home to.  Again, the reassurance isn’t very reassuring!
• Narcissistic parents “brag” about their children to others.  Narcissistic parents love to share stories about their children that make the parent look good.  If they were able to fix something for their child or rescue them after doing something not very wise, those stories will be shared.  When their child is upset, they tell their child they have nothing to be upset about because the parent was bragging about them.  How can that possibly be upsetting?
• Being condescending.  Narcissists believe themselves to be of superior intellect, so when their victim is in need of advice, they offer their so called wisdom freely.  They mention they’re doing it to help or they have your best interest at heart, so your accusations offend them.  You should be grateful they care enough to help you!
• Talking about things with other people in front of you that you know nothing about.  If you & the narcissist are with other people, they may discuss stories that you know nothing about or have inside jokes.  The narcissist wants you to feel left out.  If you mention it, the narcissist says he or she knew you wouldn’t want to go which is why you were left out, or you’d be bored by the silly inside jokes.  You then feel ashamed of yourself for your very valid feelings.

You can learn to recognize these subtle tactics with practice.  When you do, remind yourself of what is happening, & act accordingly.  Don’t show the narcissist that you’re hurt or angry.  Pretend not to notice their manipulation.  This will deprive them of narcissistic supply, & most likely they’ll stop using that tactic on you.

Taking Back Your Power From The Narcissist

Narcissists love to manipulate & control their victims.  One way they control their victims is to make them feel powerless, as if they have absolutely no control over any aspect of their own lives.

Feeling completely out of control & powerless is a horrible way to feel!  It saps your joy & makes you feel utterly hopeless.  Being depressed & hopeless may make you miserable, but it also will make a narcissist feel wonderful.  This is because they have control over you & know you won’t do anything about it.

Don’t let the narcissist in your life get away with doing this to you!  Take your power back!  You can do this!!

As always, I recommend you start with prayer.  God will be glad to give you whatever you need, be it insight, strength, courage or anything else.  Let Him help you!!  You need every advantage you can get where narcissists are concerned, so why not let God help you?

If you haven’t done it already, start learning about boundaries.  You need to have very clear views on where you end & the narcissist begins, because one way narcissists remove a victim’s power is by blurring those boundaries.  Victims often feel responsible for the narcissist in ways that they shouldn’t.  As an example, narcissists make victims feel responsible for their feelings & actions.  How many times has the narcissist in your life said something like, “You made me do that!”  “I wouldn’t be so angry if you wouldn’t have said/done what you did!”?  I would guess you can think of many examples.  I certainly can.

As you learn about boundaries, you’ll need to learn some new & even creative ways to say no to the narcissist.  Always remember, normal ways to set boundaries don’t work with narcissists, so avoid saying things like, “Please don’t do that.. it hurts me when you do that.”  Admitting the narcissist’s behavior hurts you only provides narcissistic supply which means they’ll do that thing over & over again.  Instead, say things like:

• I’m sorry.  I have other plans.
• I can’t do that.
• I can’t make it that day.
• I’ll consider what you suggested.
• That isn’t going to happen.
• I’m not interested.
• Thank you, but no.
• No (without any explanation, simply saying the word).

There are also other things you can do to help yourself to regain some control.  Start small.  Organize your purse, a desk drawer, your car’s glove compartment.  Work up from there onto something larger, maybe get rid of some clothes you no longer like even though the narcissist likes them.  You also could paint a room or replace a piece of furniture.  Keep taking back your power, little by little.  The more you do it, the easier it becomes & the less you’re willing to settle for someone taking away your power.

Naturally as you do these things, the narcissist is NOT going to be happy about it.  Most likely, the narcissist will realize that a rage will make him or her look bad, so that won’t happen.  Instead, probably there will be passive/aggressive behaviors such as giving the silent treatment.  Invalidation is also common.  The narcissist may act as if there is something wrong with you for liking whatever it is you did that took back some of your power.  Criticism certainly is going to happen.  The narcissist will let you know that whatever you did was wrong, stupid, a waste of time & anything else negative they can think to say.

When the narcissist acts this way, always remember that it says more about the narcissist than you.  Normal, functional people encourage others to be independent & have good boundaries.  They also aren’t threatened by such things.  Only unsafe & even narcissistic people are threatened by such normal, healthy, behaviors.

Dear Reader, you can do this!  You can take back your power!

About Being “The Bigger Person”

How Narcissists Use Shame To Abuse, part 2

 

How Narcissists Use Shame To Abuse, part 1

The Consummate Victim

Some covert narcissists are what I think of as the consummate victim.  They are the ones who are always wronged, always the victim, & never at fault for anything.  Some examples of their behavior are as follows.

 

The narcissist says something cruel.  You get angry, & rightfully so.  She claims she never meant to hurt your feelings.  She was just trying to help & had no idea what she said would upset you.  She then stops speaking to you for weeks, even if you apologized.

 

The narcissist tries to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do.  Naturally, you refuse to do it.  She claims you don’t love her.  How could you refuse to do this one little thing for her, especially after all she’s done for you?!

 

The narcissist is your elderly parent who expects you to come at their beck & call.  You tell your parent you only are available one day a week to do what she needs.  She tells your family how you refused to help her, & they attack you for being a bad daughter, ungrateful, a spoiled brat & more.

 

Narcissists who claim life is so unfair to them or that they are mistreated when people confront them on their abusive behavior are also consummate victims.  There are also those who blame their victims for their abusive behavior.  They are also consummate victims, as are those who complain about their problems, yet refuse to do something to change the situation.

 

Dealing with these people is incredibly frustrating, I know.  My late father & late mother in-law were both covert narcissists & consummate victims.  I repeatedly asked my father not to call after 9 at night.  When I refused to take his call when he called at 10 one evening, he called my in-laws & a cousin who lives almost 500 miles away.  He told both he was so concerned about me for not answering the phone, & asked them to have me call him immediately.  Another time, I was angry with my mother in-law because she had snooped through my purse yet again.  She asked my husband why I was angry, & he told her.  I overheard the conversation.  She claimed not to know what she did would be upsetting to me.

 

Both situations were similar.  As a result of my father’s & mother in-law’s actions, my husband & I got into an argument about his mother & my cousin & I argued about my father.  Being the typical consummate victims, their obnoxious behavior caused problems for the real victim while making themselves look good.

 

There are some things that you can do that can help you if you must deal with this behavior in covert narcissists.

 

Always rely on God to help you in this situation. He will be glad to help you discern the truth & strengthen you to do whatever you need to do!

 

Remember the type of person that you’re dealing with.  No matter what you do, this person will twist the situation around to make you look bad & them look like the innocent victim of your cruelty.  Expect nothing else because this person has no desire to behave any other way.

 

Also remember that there is nothing wrong with you setting boundaries or confronting this person on their abusive behavior.  Both of those are good things to do.  They are healthy & show you have self respect.

 

Consummate victims are very skilled at recruiting flying monkeys.  When you set those boundaries or confront the narcissist about her behavior, no matter how gently & reasonably you do so, it’s a safe bet someone will tell you how cruel, unreasonable, wrong, etc. you are.  When this happens, ignore whatever these flying monkeys have to say.  They don’t know the truth, only what the narcissist has told them.  Also, it’s best to refuse to discuss the narcissist with them.

 

Lastly, it’s also important to remember that consummate victims may project their status on their real victims.  It can be easy to believe their lies since narcissists are talented actors who give very convincing performances.  To avoid believing their lies, remember that you are NOT a consummate victim if you are angry about being abused, setting healthy boundaries or refusing to be manipulated.

 

If you are faced with a covert narcissist who portrays herself as a consummate victim, you can cope.  You have the knowledge & strength to handle this ugly situation.