Soulmates & Narcissists

Many people hear the term “soulmate” & assume it means someone romantically connected perfectly to another person.  This couple is assumed to be perfectly compatible in every way – comparable intellectually & sexually, sharing the same perspectives, feelings, likes & dislikes, & always agreeing with each other.  The perfect fairy tale love, in other words.  It also is a common belief that people have only one soulmate in their lifetime.

I don’t believe that this definition of soulmates is accurate at all.  I believe it’s actually better & more varied.

For one thing, I believe there are different types of soulmates, & they aren’t always romantic.  My best friend is my soulmate.  My husband sometimes finds it hard to believe just how much she & I have in common.  My husband is also my soulmate.  Both relationships are very different & neither relationship is perfect.

My husband & my best friend share much in common with me.  We all think remarkably similarly & share similar views on all kinds of things.  All of us are Christians.  We all grew up in similarly abusive, dysfunctional environments.  Yet at the same time, we’re all very unique individuals.  Each of us works in a very different line of work.  My husband is pretty interested in politics while my best friend & I have no interest in politics.  I love to crochet & knit while my husband & best friend have zero interest in either.  My best friend has no interest in cars while my husband & I both are pretty car obsessed, in particular with old classics.

While I consider my husband & best friend to be my soul mates, you can see obviously we aren’t perfect fits for each other.  Sometimes we even disagree with each other.  The cool part is that it’s totally fine!  We all respect each other’s differences.  We’re also willing to learn about the things that interest each other.  And, although we don’t always agree about everything, we have enough respect for each other to be perfectly fine with that.  We don’t have to agree about every single thing.

They both bring a great deal to my life, & I hope I return the favor to them.  They challenge me to be a better person.  There is no doubt that both are committed to the relationship with me.  I know if we have an argument, neither will abandon me.

The reason I’m mentioning soulmates is because many narcissists will try to convince their romantic partner that they are the partner’s perfect soulmate.  No one could be as good for them as the narcissist, or love them as the narcissist does, at least according to the narcissist.  In fact, my narcissistic ex husband once told me that no one would ever love me like he did.  To his credit, he was right – no one else has “loved” me as he did & that is a fact for which I am VERY grateful!  They also want their partner to think no one could understand them as well as the narcissist does, which is partly why they are the perfect soulmate to the partner.

If a romantic partner ever claims to be your soulmate, I want to encourage you to consider this person very well.  Does he or she show narcissistic tendencies?  Did this person mention the topic of being your soulmate early in the relationship?  When this person mentions the soulmate topic, does he or she only talk about how good they are for you, not that you’re also good for them?  Does this person use the phrase my ex used, that no one would love you like he or she loves you?  If so, these are some serious narcissistic red flags!  I would strongly encourage you to end the relationship!  Functional people don’t feel the need to convince their partner of their greatness for the partner.  My husband & best friend have never done this.  In fact, both tell me I’m good for them & that they appreciate me.

Functional people also don’t try to make a relationship very serious too early.  They realize it takes time to get to know each other enough to decide if this relationship has the potential to be serious.  Talking about being soulmates or discussing marriage early in the relationship isn’t normal!  My ex husband proposed to me only a bit under 3 months after we met.

Just remember, Dear Reader, that although it’s flattering if someone claims to be your soulmate, that also can be a red flag.  It can be the warning sign of a narcissist.

Signs Your Significant Other Is A Narcissist

Many of us who grew up with at least one narcissistic parent ended up as adults, romantically involved with another narcissist.  Unfortunately, it is very common.  I did it myself.  My mother was a very overt narcissist, my father a covert narcissist & my ex husband a very covert narcissist.  Since he acted so differently than her, I honestly believed he was ok, even good for me at first.  It took some time after our divorce when I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder before I learned about covert narcissism vs. overt.  When I did is when things finally clicked, & I realized how bad he was for me.

If you too have thought the faulty way that I have, you are not alone!  Below are some ways you can tell if your significant other is a narcissist.  I am writing this from the perspective of a woman with a narcissistic male partner simply because that is what my situation was, but the information fits no matter who is male or female in the relationship.

It’s his way or the highway.  Narcissists simply must have their way, always, period, end of story.  If your mate pouts, uses guilt or anger to make sure he gets his way, this is a red flag.

If he acts like he is the one who knows what is best for both of you, this is another big red flag.  My ex husband was convinced he knew what was best for us.  The truth is, he knew what was best for *him, not *us.

Every conversation comes back to him.  Looking back at my first marriage, it astounds me how every conversation came back to him.  When my mother abused me when we were in high school, rather than him caring how it affected me, he talked about how hard it was on him.  When he lost yet another job, it was all about his panic rather than what we could do to survive.

Manipulation is a constant.  Overt narcissists are obvious in their abuse.  They use threats of physical violence or yell & belittle to get their way.  Covert narcissists are much more subtle, using guilt, shaming & gaslighting to get their way.

Are you always to blame?  Another sign of a narcissistic mate is when you are to blame for everything.  He lost his job?  That is your fault, even though you were never there.  His car broke down?  Also your fault, in spite of the fact you have not driven the car since 2007.  Why?  His reasons will be creative & highly inaccurate.

Does he think way too highly of himself?  Regarding my ex husband, my granddad said to me, “It’s a shame he wasn’t as smart as he thought he was.”  He was right.  My ex was convinced he was much smarter than pretty much anyone else on the planet, but especially me.  He also seemed to think he was doing me a favor by being with me.

Does he lack empathy?  A hallmark of all narcissists, overt or covert is that they lack empathy.  If anything hurts another person, a narcissist cannot understand it.  They also lack the ability to see things from another person’s perspective.  Emotions & different perspectives are well beyond something they can understand.

Feeling like you can’t be good enough for him is another red flag.  No matter what I did or how hard I tried, I always knew it was never enough for my ex.  He made me feel ashamed for my shortcomings, too.  This is very typical of narcissistic partners.

Emotional abuse is the norm.  You are accustomed to him making you feel not good enough, stupid, ugly, etc.  You also make excuses for it, blame yourself & justify what he said.

He isolates you.  Ok, maybe he does not hold you hostage in the basement, but he does say negative things about your friends & family, which leads you to sever ties with people you were once close to.  My ex pressured me from very early on to sever ties with my mother, then later my grandparents, & even my best friend.  He used subtle means, too such as, “She isn’t a good friend to you since she doesn’t call more often…”

If your significant other is doing at least some of these things, then please, Dear Reader, be careful with this person.  Chances are excellent that you are dealing with a narcissist.  I urge you to pray about your situation, & ask God to help you.  Reconnect with those with whom you severed ties.  Talk to safe people.  Ask for help as needed.  You can survive this situation!