Tag Archives: mistake

Stop Beating Yourself Up For Making Mistakes

When you have survived narcissistic abuse, escaped it & began to heal, you will think a LOT.  You’ll think about the things you endured, & wonder how you survived.  You’ll also think about things you did while in the midst of the abuse or even after you first escaped it.  This can be extremely difficult, because chances are, you’ve done many things you aren’t proud of.

That is certainly something I’ve experienced.  When I look back at my young adult life, it’s just embarrassing.  I met my  ex husband just before I turned 17.  He was very pushy about getting me to date him, & proposed 3 months after we met.  I went along with whatever he wanted, against my mother’s demands, because I didn’t think any other guy would ever want me.  This desperation is so embarrassing now.  I didn’t even find him physically attractive- I just figured I should grab him since no one else would want me.  I sneaked around to be with him even knowing my mother most likely would find out & scream at me about it as she always did.  I later married him even though everything in me was saying it was a huge mistake & I shouldn’t marry him.

Looking back at that situation is embarrassing.  Humiliating, really.  I have a hard time believing now that I’m that same person.

Do you have a situation like that in your life, Dear Reader?  I’m guessing you do.  I think we all do.  I want to tell you today that you have nothing to be ashamed of!

Growing up with a narcissistic parent (or two), you learn a lot of terribly dysfunctional beliefs.  Those beliefs will play a part in the things you do until you learn that they are bad, & you replace them with healthy beliefs.  This means you’re going to do some things you aren’t necessarily proud of, like me getting involved with my ex husband.

When you remember those times, rather than shaming yourself, think about who you were at that time.  You were a dysfunctional, abused person.  Naturally you’d make bad choices.  How could you not if you didn’t know better?

It’s OK that you made mistakes.  We all do, especially when given such a horrible, dysfunctional start in life.  Forgive yourself!  Stop beating yourself up!  How could you expect to make wiser choices when you simply didn’t know any better?

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Narcissism

Your Mistakes Can Minister To Yourself & Others

Since I’ve learned so much about narcissistic abuse & started writing about it, I’ve had many people contact me looking for answers.  Some I simply can’t help, because helping others is hard on me emotionally.  It’s a tremendous responsibility helping people, & I take it very seriously.  When people ask me for help, I try to offer it to the best of my ability.  Even if I’m writing books or blog posts like this, I want to provide good, helpful, truthful information.

As a result, people look to me as if I have all the answers sometimes.  The fact is though, I don’t.  I also make mistakes.  Lots of them.  And often.

When I first started writing about narcissistic abuse, I was loathe to admit mistakes I’ve made.  Frankly, it can be embarrassing sometimes.  I’ve done some amazingly dumb things!  As time has passed though, I realized that people have more respect for someone who is real, willing to admit their shortcomings & mistakes, than they do for someone who acts as though they never slip up.

So many people in positions like mine seem to be afraid they’ll lose popularity if they admit their flaws.  So instead of being open about themselves, they present a false image of perfection.  This can be extremely discouraging to people following their teaching.  It was for me.  I felt like a failure, like I didn’t have enough faith or not praying the right way.  I felt “less than.”

There are three preachers on TV that I absolutely love & have loved since I first became a Christian- Jesse Duplantis, TD Jakes & Joyce Meyer.  Aside from the fact their preaching makes so much sense to me, they also admit their mistakes & shortcomings.  They’re real!  Listening to them or reading their books never makes me feel bad about where I am in life.  Quite the opposite.  They make me realize I’m OK while encouraging me to continue learning & growing.

Another bonus to being open is you lose the shame over your flaws.  Bringing them into the open loosens that shame much like sunlight destroys vampires in the old legends.  Hiding them gives them power over you.  Power to keep you feeling embarrassed & even ashamed of yourself.

The reason I’m telling you this, Dear Reader, is to encourage you.

No doubt that as you recover from narcissistic abuse you will begin to share some of your experiences.  Maybe only with those very close to or maybe you will feel led to write about it like I have.  In any case, I want to encourage you to be open about it.  People will respect you for your transparency.  So few people in the world are genuine these days, & the few that are, are greatly appreciated.  And, if you end up in a position of helping others, they will be encouraged when they realize you, someone who is teaching them, have made mistakes & are able to learn from them.  They also will feel comfortable enough to approach  you.  You may be the only person they tell about their painful experiences, & opening up can help them tremendously.

It’s funny… sometimes your mistakes really can be a part of your ministry to others!

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism, Writing