Tag Archives: money

Red Flags That Don’t Seem So Bad At First

Everyone knows some basic red flags in relationships that people can show, such as lying, cheating, stealing money or possessions.  There are other ones though that don’t seem terrible at first but they actually are bad.  Many of these relate to romantic relationships, but in some cases, even abusive friends can behave in similar ways.

When someone is jealous of time that you spend with friends or family, that is a red flag.  It really isn’t normal for someone to be jealous of time spent with the other people in your life unless you are obviously out of balance. (Such as ignoring your spouse to spend time with your family on a regular basis.)  This could be a sign of the jealous person wanting to isolate you, so they can abuse you without interference from other people.

Along those same lines is the person who does their best to discourage you from spending time with your friends & family.  Naturally if someone is toxic, anyone who loves you will want you to stay away from that toxic person.  If that is not the case though, someone who behaves this way is trying to isolate a person from people who love them.

Constantly calling &/or texting can be another red flag.  We all have people we’re especially close to.  They are the ones we call & text often possibly even a couple of times a day.  Even so, these people know when we are going to be busy & don’t call or text at that time.  Abusive people will call & text constantly even during those times.  They have no problem interrupting your time spent with that friend you haven’t seen in years or while you’re busy studying for a test.  They do this in order to keep tabs on what you are doing to be sure you aren’t doing something they disapprove of & also to annoy the person you’re with enough that they will end the time spent together early so you will return to them.

Money can be another red flag.  If someone constantly asks to borrow money from you that they never pay back, even with what sounds like good excuses, that is someone irresponsible with money who will take advantage of you.  Or, if you’re married to someone who controls all the money & won’t discuss what they do with it, that is another huge red flag.  That is a controlling person who probably also has something to hide. 

Similarly, the husband who wants you to stay home so he can “take care of you” isn’t necessarily as loving as he may sound.  Many abusive husbands start their financial abuse of their wives by gently suggesting they quit their job & let him take care of her.  Over time, he renders her unable to find or keep a job if she opts to return to the work force.  He can refuse to repair her car or give her money for the train to go to work, or if she does get a job, he may frequently call her or demand she leave early so her boss fires her.

Wanting you to look as they want to is another red flag.  People who love you may have opinions on your clothes, hair & makeup but they won’t tell you how they think you should look.  A controlling person may come across nicely by saying they think you look good when you look a certain way, but eventually that gives way to demanding you look the way they want you to.

There are some red flags where sex is concerned, too.  Violently raping someone isn’t the only way a person can abuse sexually.  Trying to coerce someone who doesn’t want to have sex by using guilt, shaming someone for not wanting to do certain activities or trying to get someone drunk or high in order to have sex with them or get them to do something they are against are also abusive behaviors.

If someone you know behaves in any of these ways, know that this is just the tip of the abusive iceberg.  It is going to get so much worse!  Please protect yourself & abandon this relationship as soon as possible!

3 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

Financial Abuse

Leave a comment

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse is a little known type of abuse that narcissists often use on their victims.  It is a very effective way to keep someone under control, after all.

For convenience sake, we’ll assume in this article the financial abuser is male, victim female.

While dating, a financial abuser obviously can’t have the deep level of control that a married financial abuser can have.  However, he still can exert some control.  It probably will start small, like him asking to borrow $20 until payday.  Most people experience this at some point, so it’s no red flag,  Plus, it’s only $20.  Then he needs more & more, $50 or $100.  Or maybe he asks to use your credit card, claiming he’ll pay it off soon.  The problem is he never pays that money back.  And, if you say anything, he gets extremely angry.  You learn quickly it’s easiest just to give him money & not expect it to be repaid.  I went through this when dating my ex husband.  Even though he knew perfectly well how tight money was for me when we first got together, he still asked to “borrow” money often, & never paid it back.  By the time we got married a bit over 2 years later, I figured he’d taken well over $400 from me.

Sometimes an abuser controls his or her victim’s finances completely.   The victim has no access to bank accounts or credit cards.  Receipts are demanded so every penny can be tracked.  My mother did this to my father.  He got a small “allowance” while she paid all the bills, saved money, etc.  True, she was very good with money & maybe because of that should have been in charge of their finances to a degree.  But, he had literally no say in where money was spent & didn’t know how much was saved either.  My husband & I have a similar arrangement, but the healthy version.  I tell him where every penny I spend goes (even though he doesn’t ask) & he doesn’t get an “allowance.”  He has full access to all accounts, too, just like I do.

Sometimes financial abusers prevent their victim from working.  They may tell their victim outright that she isn’t allowed to work.  Or, they may sabotage her job somehow, such as by forcing her to call out often or making her run late so often that she gets fired.

Another trick of financial abusers is to ruin their victim’s credit.  If the victim has her own income & wants to leave, one way to prevent that is by ruining her credit.  How could she rent an apartment or buy a home when her credit score is 450 & her credit report is full of charged off bad debt?  It’s impossible.  He can ruin her credit by charging up her credit cards or taking out loans in her name, then refusing to pay the bills.

Some male financial abusers also keep their wives pregnant.  They may sabotage birth control so she gets pregnant.  If she has babies often, no matter how employable she may be, financially it just makes more sense for her to stay home rather than pay for expensive day care for several children.  These abusers get what they want in many ways by doing this-  they have more children to abuse/gain narcissistic supply from, their wife stays home as they want, they take away her independence & they feel powerful & in control.

There is hope for victims though, especially if you’re creative.

Ask safe friends & family for any help or advice they may have.  They may help you financially or give you some advice you hadn’t thought of.

Local churches or domestic violence hotlines can help as well.  Also, look into requirements for getting food stamps & public assistance.  No, no one wants to do this, but they can help you until you get on your feet.

Skim any little bit of money you can.  Every little bit will help you!

If at all possible, get some sort of job in secret.  Babysit while he’s at work or walk dogs.

If your credit is bad, get a secured credit card to help you reestablish your credit.  A secured card is one you send money to, then use it to pay for things instead of the other way around.  Since there is no risk of customers not paying their debt, companies give these cards out freely, even to people with less than stellar credit.

Most of all, never forget to pray.  God will help you to find ways to escape this insidiously abusive situation.

2 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Narcissism

January 5, 2013

Good morning Dear Readers.

This morning, I would like to ask a favor yet again.  The young lady I posted about the other day?  She has since passed on, leaving her family with a ton of medical bills & bills for her final expenses.  They need help right now.  Please consider making a donation.  It can be done 2 ways…

25% of your purchase on the link below will go towards Angel’s family:

 
Or you may make a donation without making a purchase.  Simply make your check payable to New Hope Community Church, & mention “For the Schaefer-Breault family” in the memo line.  Mail your check to:
 
Jenn Poist
706 Birch Ave
Pasadena, MD 21122
 
Please consider donating to this cause.  God will bless you for your generosity.  Luke 6:38 says,  Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.”
 
Angel was a lovely young woman, & her family is suffering so much with losing her.  The last thing they need right now is trying to deal with the tremendous financial stress on top of their grief.  If you are unable to donate financially, then please pray for Angel’s family, friends & boyfriend to feel the comfort & strength of God.
 
Thank you, Dear Readers.  May God bless you!

Leave a comment

Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Miscellaneous