Mother’s Day

I just wanted to share a little something for those of you with narcissistic mothers who struggle on & around Mother’s Day…

Mother’s Day For Adult Children Of Narcissistic Mothers

Mother’s Day is fast approaching.  It is possibly the least favorite day of the year for children of narcissistic parents.  It’s so hard to find just the right card- something nice, but not too nice as you can’t stand giving her a card thanking her for always being there for you, for her unfailing love, etc. Then there is the gift- should you get her something?  If so, what?  Chances are she won’t like what you give her anyway, so is a gift even worth it?  And, we can’t forget the messages everywhere- on facebook, in stores, online- that say “Don’t forget your mother this Mother’s Day!” (as if we could forget her?!), “She’s always been there for you- give her *fill in the blank* for Mother’s Day!” & other such messages about how great Mom really is.  There are also friends & family who tell you that you should do something nice for your mother on Mother’s Day.  After all, if it weren’t for her, you wouldn’t be here!  She did the best she could!  She’s your MOTHER!!!  Can’t you just give her this one day?!

Mother’s day pretty much sucks for us who have narcissistic mothers.

If you too are dreading tomorrow, just know that you’re not alone!  Many others share your feelings of this disturbing day.

I would like to encourage you to take care of yourself as best you can.  Do what you feel you need to regarding your mother.  Give her a simple card &/or gift, or do nothing for her- whatever you feel in your heart is the right thing to do.  If you aren’t sure, pray.  God will guide you as to what is the best way to handle this.  Once you have done what you need to do for your mother, then let go of thinking about the day & take care of yourself.  If you have children, celebrate with them.  If not, enjoy your day however you see fit- go to a spa, buy the new book you’ve been wanting, spend the day at a museum.  Do something that you enjoy & that doesn’t involve anything to do with your narcissistic mother.

This may sound disrespectful to you, especially if you are new to learning about narcissism, but rest assured, it’s not.  Remember, people reap what they sow. Reaping & sowing a law of the universe- if you plant cantaloupe seeds, you get a harvest of cantaloupe, right?  It’s the same thing with behavior.  If you kick a dog every time every time he comes near you, he learns to run the other way when he sees you coming.  Adult children of narcissistic parents eventually behave much like that kicked dog- we eventually don’t want to spend time with our parents & will go to great lengths to avoid it.  It’s often not even a deliberate decision- it just seems to happen because we’re tired of the cruelty.  That is your narcissistic mother reaping what she has sown.

So I encourage you- enjoy Mother’s Day your way, guilt-free!  What can you do to make it a good day for you?

Fixing Your Narcissistic Parents’ Problems- Not A Good Idea!

Boundaries are  a very necessary part of life.  Having them means you are free of the need to please others or take care of things that should be another person’s problem.  They are especially helpful for those of us raised by narcissistic parents since we grew up with very vague or even non-existent boundaries.

Even after you’ve learned about having healthy boundaries, & put what you learned into practice, sometimes it can be hard to maintain those boundaries though, especially with narcissistic parents.

I spoke to my mother yesterday.  She mentioned how she & my father rearranged the living room furniture.  Knowing her, this means she told him what to move & where to put it.  And, knowing him, this means he blindly obeyed her.  Normally, I figure if he’s willing to obey her & not stand up for himself, that’s his problem.  However, this time it bothers me.  He is now 77 years old, & had back surgery just before last Christmas.  he should NOT be doing things like this!!  But, this isn’t a first.  Part of the reason he needed the back surgery in the first place was lifting something very heavy he shouldn’t have been lifting, only because my mother wanted it moved.  Why they didn’t ask my husband or I for help, I don’t know…

Times like this can be very difficult for the adult child of narcissistic parents.  Old habits tend to want to kick in & you want to fix things or take care of the parent that is being pushed around.  However, this is NOT a good idea at all. Fixing things simply enables the dysfunction to go on while drawing you into the middle of it.  Chances are it will go on no matter what, so why put yourself in the situation?

I know it’s hard, but remember- it is that parent’s choice to do what he/she is told to do or not.  That parent is most likely trying to avoid a narcissistic rage by doing whatever they are doing.  While this is understandable to a degree, it’s still not good.  Yet, it’s still his/her decision to obey rather than take a chance on standing up to their narcissistic spouse & maybe ending the control.

It is NOT your place to rescue him/her!  Your parent is an adult, & needs to take care of his or herself, just like all adults do.  Everyone’s actions & choices are their own responsibility, & each person needs to reap the consequences of them, good or bad.  Do not allow your parent to draw you into the position of standing up for him/her to the other parent!

Often, the parent needing rescuing is a covert narcissist.  Does this parent portray him or herself as a martyr or at least as someone innocent in all of the problems in his/her relationships?  Does he/she come across very naive, innocent & in need of frequent rescuing?  Here is a link that explains some of the differences between over & covert narcissists:  Overt vs Covert Narcissists

Do you really want to get drawn into that dysfunction?  No, you don’t.  If you’re having trouble with not getting involved, remember how it has hurt you when you’ve been in this type of situation before.  Remember how hurt you were, how badly you were treated.  I’ve had to do this myself since I’ve been in the situation many times.  It’s a horrible position to be in.  It makes you feel used, angry, resentful & hurt at how quickly you’re discarded once the problem is solved.

Remember, you deserve better than to be treated as a “fixer.”  Most narcissistic families have a “fixer,” someone who is the one who is supposed to fix everything.  To the narcissists, the fixer is nothing more than a tool to be used, taken out when needed, then put back on the shelf.  Don’t you believe you deserved to be treated better than a hammer, screwdriver or flashlight?

This type of behavior is a part of emotional incest.  Emotional incest, covert incest or parentalizing are all terms used to describe the same abusive behavior.  When I child is put in a position of an equal or a partner to the parent, that is emotional incest.  Being expected to listen to a parent complain about a loveless marriage or sex life, talk to another person (usually the other parent) on the parent’s behalf or providing emotional support to the parent instead of the parent getting it from their partner, friend or family member are all examples of emotional incest.  While this may not sound so bad, its effects can truly be devastating to the child.  She grows up feeling overly responsible for other people, often becoming involved in co-dependent or abusive relationships.  She grows up very anxious, depressed & constantly feeling guilty.  You do NOT deserve to be abused like this!  Put a stop to it immediately!  Refuse to listen if one parent complains to you about the other or to get involved in their arguments.  Emotional incest is detrimental to your mental health, & you need to protect yourself from it!  You deserve that!

The Civil Connection With Narcissistic Mothers

One of my readers made an interesting point. She read my post about The Silent Treatment that I wrote a couple of days ago, & mentioned how she gives her mother what she calls the silent treatment.  Hers is a bit different than her narcissistic mother’s silent treatment- she doesn’t try to punish her narcissistic mother with it (as narcissists do).  Instead she only speaks to her mother on her terms (when she is able to talk with her), & is very careful with the limited information she shares.  This is also what Dr. Karyl McBride, author of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” calls the civil connection.

I’ve done this with my mother & mother in-law.  Both are narcissists, my mother being the overt type, mother in-law the covert.  Both have responded very differently to it.  My mother used to get very frustrated, but it didn’t take her long to get to the point where she gives up quickly on me.  I’m more stubborn than her, & she knows that, so I assume she realizes there’s no point in trying to get something “juicy” from me once I’ve made up my mind not to give anything up.  My mother in-law, however, was a different story.  She would become visibly flustered, & try any tactic she could to force me to talk.  It became just plain funny to me after a while!  Watching her get angrier & angrier, yet unable to say or do anything about it for fear of looking bad, became very entertaining to me.

Have you tried this with your narcissistic mother?  If not, you have to try it!!  If nothing else, it’ll amuse you!

I like to give one word (or close to it) answers.  For example…

Mother: “How are you?”

Me: “Fine.”

Mother: “What have you been up to lately?”

Me: “Not much.” (she already thinks I’m lazy, so she’ll believe I haven’t done much)

See how that works?  It’s really easy.

Chances are, your narcissistic mother will start to push for more information from you when you give her such curt responses.  She will hint around, trying to get you to talk, as she won’t ask outright for fear of looking unreasonable, bad, or whatever.  Refuse to respond!  Ignore the hints.  I’m telling you, it will fluster her, & if you’re lucky, she’ll give up trying to get news from you.

Once, I had a doctor’s appointment on a day when my mother in-law thought I should do something for her (which is amazing in itself- she’s hated me from the day we met, so why would she think I would be willing to help her in any way?!).  I told her I couldn’t do it- I had a doctor’s appointment that afternoon.  I should have said “prior obligation” instead of admitting what I was doing, but it slipped out.  It turned out to be hilarious for me though!  She said things like,  “Well, if you’re seeing the doctor, it must be serious.  I understand why you can’t do this for me…” (I simply said “Thanks” in response), “If you can’t reschedule it, that isn’t a good sign.  I’m so worried about you!” (yea, right!  She didn’t care- she just wanted information, so I simply told her I was fine.), “Why are you seeing the doctor?” (the only direct question she asked, & I ignored her question, as I was listening to my husband & his father talk- I pretended I didn’t hear her over them), or “I guess you can’t do this for me since you HAVE to see the doctor on that day & no other…I don’t understand why it has to be THAT day..” (to which I responded with, “Nope, I can’t do it.”)  By the time my husband & I left her home shortly after, I was surprised her head didn’t explode!  I barely made it to the car before I started laughing!

If you haven’t tried this type of interaction with your narcissistic mother, please consider doing so!  Not only will it entertain you, it will give her less opportunities to hurt you.  You will speak to her only as you are able to do so, & by limiting your conversation as well as your exposure to her, you will give her less to criticize about you.  It really will make your interactions with her much easier for you!  Also, it’s not disrespectful, so if you are concerned about not honoring your mother, as many Christian daughters of narcissistic mothers are, please don’t worry!

Changing My Website.. Any Input??

I just thought I’d let you know that I am making some changes to my website.  I’m finally stepping out of the stone ages & no longer using Microsoft Frontpage to make my site (please stop laughing, computer people.. I’m just not good with site creation!  lol).  As I was working on it today, I thought that it would be a good idea not simply to change the appearance of my site a little, but to ask you, Dear Readers, if there is any other information you’d like me to include on my website.  I have quite a bit on there now about narcissistic & abusive mothers, mental health, Christian living & animals (you gotta get off the heavy topics sometimes!), but is there anything else you’d like me to include on my site?  Or, any area I mentioned above that you’d like me to expand on?

I welcome your feedback!  You can either leave a comment on this post or you can email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com

Have a wonderful evening!  xoxo

Brief Update & Another Lesson About Narcissism Learned

This past week since my father has been in the hospital has been interesting to say the least.

On a positive note, he seems to be doing quite a bit better.  He’s still in pain with the compression fracture in his spine, but at least he’s not screaming in pain anymore.  They’ve also cut way back on his pain meds, & I think have eliminated the morphine.  Thank God- he reacted terribly to it!  He’s been hallucinating & acting very bizarre.  Yesterday he was much more coherent though, so I hope this means it’s almost out of his system.

Things with my mother have been very interesting.  Several times, she’s thanked me for all I’m doing to help out, said she doesn’t know what she’d do without me, & said she loves me.

Being the adult child of a narcissistic mother, i had the normal reaction to this.  Hoping this meant changes were coming to our relationship.  I quickly realized this isn’t wise- this is setting myself up for disappointment.  Maybe some narcissists change, but I have never seen it.  My mother is a malignant narcissist, so the chances of her changing for the better & permanently are slim to none.

I had to learn how to handle moments like this very quickly when a similar situation happened last year.  I thought I would share what I have learned with you so hopefully you will be helped when this type of situation arises with your narcissistic mother.

I have learned everything I can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder,  I learned that narcissists approve of you when you are doing what they want or need you to do.  If you say no, you are a horrible person, selfish, ungrateful, etc etc. according to them.  I keep that in mind when my mother says these nice things to me when I’m helping her.

I also had to talk to myself.  I had to tell myself it’s ok to enjoy this pleasant time with her, but it’s not ok to expect it to last.  Chances are very good that as soon as my father is out of the hospital, she’ll be back to her old ways.  I’ve had to remind myself of this a few times lately.  This will help me not to be devastated when she gets mean with me again.

This situation hurts!  It feels like everyone’s mother loves them- why doesn’t my mother love me?  Is there something wrong with me?  Am I unlovable?  While it feels like these are valid questions, the truth is they aren’t.  It’s her- something is wrong with her!  It’s not you!  Narcissism is a horrible thing.  Something made these people turn so self-centered that they refuse to think of anyone else.  To them, other people, including their own children, are simply tools to be used to meet their needs.  No one else has real problems- only they do.  No one else has feelings- only they do.  This has nothing to do with you or some flaws in you.  It truly is all their problem!

“You Need To Do Something!”

Why is it when people hear you say something about your abusive parents, they say that YOU need to fix it rather than saying something to your abusive parents? That never fails to amaze me.

Yet again recently, I heard another comment along these lines. It was only one of MANY I’ve heard over the years, & when I thought about that, it really ticked me off. Over the years, I have heard things like, “YOU need to make things better with your parents” or, “YOU need to get into counseling so YOU can figure out how to fix things with your parents!” more times than I can count. The truth is I have tried to make things better with my parents, & even got into counseling when I was seventeen to try to figure out how to make things better with them. I have done all the work while they have done nothing.

Time & time again, I have tried talking to my parents about how their behaviors hurt me, & they don’t make any changes. They don’t listen to me enough to hear what I have said, nor care enough to change anyway. Two examples popped into my mind- I told my father that it really hurt me badly to hear him complain about my mother & their bad marriage to me. He said, “Oh ok. I’m sorry. But-” then he went on to complain about her for another forty-five minutes (I timed it). Since, he has not stopped griping about his marriage problems to me every time we spoke, aside for a short two month period after his sister spoke to him on the topic. Suddenly, he was right back at it again, though. The other example is with my mother. She insults my cats when she sees them. This one is too fat, that one too affectionate, etc. I have told her over & over again to knock it off, yet she didn’t. One day on the phone, she asked if she ever offended me with something she’s said about the cats. *sigh* I told her yes & reminded her that I’d told her to stop it. She was shocked- she claimed she had no idea I was upset, let alone said anything to her.

So please tell me – why I am the one who should do all the work on a relationship with these people?

All relationships are a two way street, whether they are friendships, romantic relationships or a parent & child relationship. Any relationship that is one sided is not healthy! Even healthy relationships may be a bit one sided sometimes, but when that is the norm? It needs to stop, otherwise anger, bitterness & resentment build up in the one who does all of the giving. That person also can lose self-esteem, because she may learn she is simply around to be used.

Don’t take those guilt trips when people tell you that you need to fix things with your abusive parent(s). I don’t, & I don’t believe I am being a bad person for it! You have every right to expect to be treated with civility & simple respect & courtesy, just like every other person. Doing all of the work in a relationship, even with a parent, is NOT civil, respectful or courteous to either person involved.

October 13, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers!

I am thinking of making one of my books into a first edition hard back version.  I was wondering if anyone has any thoughts on which one.  Below is a list of the possibilities.  I would love to hear your thoughts, so feel free to email me directly at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com or leave a comment on this post.  Thank you!  

 

“Sins of the Father”

    When a good, all-American, Christian family man is discovered to have tortured seven men to death, no one is more stunned than his devoted, yet naive wife, and their two children.   Only when his crimes are discovered does he divulge the horrors of being born into a Satanic cult, which drove him to kill.   This is a story of the power of God to carry His children with love and strength through even the most painful circumstances. 

***Subject matter may be disturbing. Reader discretion is advised.***

Buy this book by clicking here. 

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

  

“The Christian Woman’s Guide To Killing Her Husband”

    Lily Hamilton and Melanie Brooks are best friends with a lot in common. Both are devoted Christians, both love antiques and books, and both are married to men who put their families ahead of their wives. Steve’s domineering mother, Joanne, never tries to disguise her hatred of Lily. Mark takes care of his little sister, even if that means hurting Melanie or losing their home. 

    After several years, both Lily and Melanie are fed up. In a moment of frustration, they decide the only way to solve the trouble with their husbands is to kill them. They create a plan for the perfect murder. Soon after, their husbands die exactly has they had planned. 

    Did these women kill their husbands? Or is it a case of divine intervention?

Buy this book by clicking here. 

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

 Non-Fiction:

 

“You Are Not Alone!”

 

    Is your mother difficult or even abusive? Is she cruel, controlling or mentally ill? Does time with her leave you drained, frustrated or crying? Do you believe no one understands your pain? Have you been told to “get over it,” “stop living in the past,” or made to feel ashamed of yourself for being upset with your mother, even by those who know how much she hurts you?

    “You Are Not Alone!” tackles the taboo topic of abusive mothers from a Christian perspective. It discusses various types of abusive mothers, problems caused by abuse, getting to the root of problems to heal, and ways to cope. This book also teaches ways of dealing with dysfunctional parents, as well as tough topics such as how do you honor your abusive parents, what do you owe aging and abusive parents, and deciding whether or not to end the relationship with your mother.

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

“Emerging From The Chrysalis”

 

    “Emerging From The Chrysalis” is a story of surviving abuse and how to conquer its pain. 

    In this inspiring book, the author describes her own painful experiences with the various forms of psychological abuse (verbal, mental and emotional abuse), as well as how she moved from the role of victim to survivor.

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

“A Witness Of Faith”

 

 “[No] you yourselves are our letter of recommendation (our credentials), written in your hearts, to be known (perceived, recognized) and read by everybody.”  (2 Corinthians 3:2, AMP)

    Many Christians know this verse, but how many consider the seriousness of it?  As a Christian, are you aware that people are watching you, to see if you are serious about your faith? 

    God takes our witness of what we believe very seriously, as should His children.  This book will encourage you, show you to be a shining example of your Christian faith, and improve your relationship with God, yourself, and your fellow man.

Buy this book by clicking here.

 

 

“Lessons From The Heart: What Animals Have Taught Me About Life And Love”

 

    There is much more to our animal companions than meets the eye. They are far wiser than the casual observer realizes, and can teach humans a great deal about life. 

    In this book, the author details some valuable life lessons she learned from her own pets over the years that have helped her to live a happier, more fulfilling life.

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

“All I Know About Marriage…I Learned The Hard Way!”

    Anyone who has been married for any amount of time knows that marriage is full of challenges. Most married couples face differences in personalities, in-law problems, financial issues and more. Some couples are also faced with even more serious issues such as infidelity and abuse. 

    This book will teach wives that it is possible for one person to improve a marriage. It also teaches women that being good to themselves is beneficial not only to their own happiness, but to their marriage as well.

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

“Pawprints On Our Hearts”

 

    Animals are God’s special gift to humanity. This book will show you the many things that the Bible has to say about animals, such as their purpose on Earth, what they need from human beings, whether or not they go to heaven and more. Personal experiences by the author and pictures of her own pets are included as well.

    “Pawprints On Our Hearts” is designed to give you an entirely new perspective on our animal friends- to help you view them as God does- and to improve your experiences with our animal companions. May this book bless you and yours!

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

“Baptism of Joy”  

    By following the basic principles in this book, you too can overcome situational depression. I am living proof that the principles in this book work.

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

 

“Romantic Inspirations”

    How to put the romance back in your marriage. If the flames of love are dimming in your relationship, then this book will tell you how to turn up the heat once again! Offers a Biblical perspective on love and romance

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

 

“Facets Of Love”

    Poetry about the various stages of love. Makes a wonderful gift for anniversaries, Valentine’s day, birthdays, etc. for the one you love.

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

September 3, 2013

Hello, Dear Readers! I just wanted to let you know that my latest book, “You Are Not Alone!” (for adult daughters of abusive/dysfunctional mothers) is now available in paperback on amazon!

http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Alone-Cynthia-Bailey-Rug/dp/1304304841/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378232378&sr=8-1&keywords=cynthia+bailey-rug

And, it is available on smashwords if you prefer an ebook version..

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/347669

July 23, 2013

Good news, Dear Readers!

I just wanted to let you know my current book, “You Are Not Alone!” is almost finished! I had finished the first edit, but kept adding to it.. well, one more edit & it’ll be DONE! Then I’ll create the ebook version, which won’t take long.

Daughters of dysfunctional & abusive mothers, I hope this new book will help you! 🙂

June 5, 2013

If any of you have watched the movie, “Finding Forester,” you probably remember Sean Connery’s line to an up & coming young writer… “You write your first draft with your heart, your second with your head.” 

Today, I have finished my “heart” draft of my newest book entitled, “You Are Not Alone!” It will be published by mid summer for sure. I have to go back & add some more to it, edit, & design the covers, then it’s off to the publisher. 

The book will offer information on dealing with an abusive mother, how to identify problems that stem from her abuse, & how to heal.

May 12, 2013

Happy mother’s day to all of you!! For those of you with bad relationships with your mothers like me, I feel your pain- today is a very challenging day. One thing that helps me on this day is to remember the following verse…

Psalm 27:10 Amplified Bible (AMP)
Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child].

Whether you have children or pets, or none at all, enjoy the day today! If you have a bad relationship or none at all with your mother, be gentle with yourself today. Do something nice just for you! ❤

March 31, 2013 (2)

Hello again, Dear Readers!

I was looking at the stats on my website (www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com, in case you haven’t checked it out yet).  It looks like more than anything else, the information on there about dysfunctional mothers is what gets attention.  I mentioned this to my husband, who had a great idea.  He suggested I write a book on this topic.  Information about some types of dysfunctional mothers & how to cope with them, & letting women know that they aren’t alone.  So many daughters of these mothers think no one else understands, when the truth is many, many others do!  

I thought I would post the question to you.. what would you like to see included in a book on the topic of dysfunctional mother/daughter relationship?  Feel free to reply to this post, or email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com, if you prefer privacy.  

Thank you in advance for your input!  I look forward to hearing from you!  🙂