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There are many myths about narcissistic abuse. This post’s purpose is to debunk some of the more common ones.
“You let him/her get away with treating you that way. That’s why he/she does what they do.” Narcissists aren’t normal people who respect boundaries. They don’t care that their actions cause pain & problems for others. They only care about what they want. No matter what consequences you give a narcissist, chances of them respecting your boundaries are slim to none.
“Narcissists only abuse the weak & stupid.” Anyone can be abused by a narcissist, no matter their intelligence, personality, religious beliefs, social standing or gender. Narcissists are incredibly good actors & can convince anyone of whatever they want them to believe. Even people who know a great deal about Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be fooled temporarily. Someone who doesn’t know about it can be fooled much easier & for a much longer time before they realize something is very wrong.
“You must have done something to attract this type of person.” This is nothing but victim blaming & shaming, & is incredibly cruel! Do you know the kind of person narcissists are attracted to? People with kind, loving & gentle spirits who have a great deal of empathy. It is wrong to make people like this feel badly for being this way, especially when these are all wonderful qualities!
“You just need to learn how to stop making him angry or stay out of his way.” No one is responsible for another person’s abusive behavior beyond the abuser. Nothing anyone can do can prevent any abuser from abusing, period. Narcissists are also incredibly toxic people who enjoy torturing their victims. One way they do this is to keep their victims in a constant state of high alert by changing what angers them & what they want. No matter how much a person may want to avoid angering the narcissist in their life or stay out of his way, it’s impossible.
“You need to fix this relationship!” One of my aunts told me this regarding the relationship I had with my parents. She is far from the only person to think in such a dysfunctional & foolish manner. The problem is no one person can fix a relationship. While one person can destroy a relationship, it takes two people to fix one. Not to mention, in the mind of narcissists, their relationships are fine. They don’t need fixing, at least so long as the victim does whatever the narcissist wants & tolerates the abuse.
“If it’s so bad, just walk away/go no contact.” Anyone who says this most likely lacks empathy. Ending relationships is always hard. Ending a relationship with a narcissist is even harder, especially if that person is someone you love a great deal such as a spouse or parent. Chances are the person who says this also has no concept of trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is common among narcissists & their victims. This is when the narcissist interjects some kindnesses in with their abuse. They also destroy their victims’ self esteem, making them think they can’t survive without the narcissist. There is also the fact that many narcissists financially ruin their victims so they are dependent on their narcissist. Narcissists also isolate their victims from friends & families, so they have no one they can trust to help them. Leaving narcissists isn’t as simple as “just walking away” for these reasons & many more.
“You’ve been away from the narcissist for a while so you should be over it by now.” Narcissistic abuse often creates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in victims. This disorder as well as the tremendous amount of psychological warfare waged against victims by narcissists mean there is no “getting over it”. It takes a lot of time to come to any sort of terms to what happened & if you have PTSD, to learn to manage your symptoms.
These are only a few of the myths about narcissistic abuse, but even so, I hope my debunking helps you.
I was mopping my basement floor in our old house one morning when I remembered the oddest thing. The paint was flaking off badly, & had been since immediately after I painted that floor not long before we moved into our home. I’d never painted concrete before & had no clue it required special prep before paint.
What I remembered was how about the time my husband & I went to settlement on our house, I mentioned to both my father & father in-law on separate occasions that I was going to paint the basement walls & floor first, so we could start to move our belongings in the basement very soon after settlement. Then I would focus on painting the main level. Neither my father nor father in-law said a word.
Shortly after, I told both fathers on separate occasions again that I had finished painting the basement. Both men had the exact same reaction. They asked if I prepared the floor with muriatic acid before painting. I was surprised because I never even heard of this product. I told them no. And again, both men had the same reaction. Both shook their heads & smirked at me, not saying another word.
Having never painted any concrete before, I had no idea that muriatic acid could be used to pre-treat concrete to help paint stick to the surface. A little tip that might have been nice to know prior to working so hard painting the entire concrete floor in my home’s basement, don’t you think?
Unfortunately, both my father & father in-law were narcissists. My father a covert one who became more overt as he got older & developed Alzheimer’s. My father in-law was overt in his younger days & became much less narcissistic as he got older in spite of having dementia.
When I thought about this situation, I realized that their responses were typically narcissistic, & I’ll tell you why. Both men had the typical male need to feel useful, but I believe being narcissists, it was very exaggerated. I can’t help but wonder if me not asking for their advice prior to my painting task offended them to the point of narcissistic injury. It’s entirely possible of course. Narcissists get offended so easily.
What also is entirely possible is that by not giving me the information they knew I needed, they set me up in order to feel superior. Narcissists LOVE to feel superior to other people in any & every way. It props up their ego & seems to just feel really good to them. While almost anyone can appreciate feeling superior to some small degree, narcissists take it to an extreme. They need it like an addict needs their drug of choice, & many times, will do anything in order to access that feeling of superiority. They have no problem withholding information or providing false information, or even blatantly lying to or about their victim. Whatever it takes to make them feel superior is going to be done. If you or someone else gets hurt in the process, that isn’t important. What the narcissist wants is the only thing that matters. At least to the narcissist, that is.
Knowing this information is vital for anyone who comes in contact with a narcissist in any capacity. It can help you to avoid a great deal of frustration & wondering why they did what they did. Remember that they are selfish to the extreme, & all that matters to them is whatever they want at that specific moment. Hurting others to get that is not a big deal to anyone who lacks empathy, like narcissists. It’s very sad that there are people out there who are so pathetic they are willing to hurt anyone & everyone to accomplish their goals, but unfortunately, there are people like that. And they are everywhere! Be aware of that fact & protect yourself!
Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism
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Most of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse know about the scapegoat. Scapegoats are often labeled the problem child, spoiled, selfish, disrespectful, rebellious, trouble maker, outcast & more. They are blamed for all problems in the family, even when they have nothing to do with those problems.
One other very common way scapegoats are abused is by minimizing or dismissing anything good about the scapegoat. If you’re the scapegoat, no doubt you have been in this situation. You were excited about getting a promotion at work, winning a contest, or even getting pregnant. In the joy of the moment, you told someone in your family who immediately changed the subject, totally ignored you or compared your situation unfavorably to someone else in a similar one.
Here is one example from my life. Before becoming an author, I did some editing work. I got a job for a local author & was excited. Foolishly, I mentioned the new job to my mother since I didn’t know about narcissism at this time. She changed the subject quickly. A short time later when we were talking she said she was thinking of getting into editing. After all, it’s easy work. Obviously anyone can do it.
It isn’t only accomplishments that are minimized or dismissed. It also can be a talent. If the family scapegoat is a talented cook, others will not praise any food he or she makes, offer suggestions they can do to make the dish better next time or compare the dish unfavorably to someone else’s version of the same dish.
Appearance is another sore spot for those who abuse the family scapegoat. If that scapegoat is attractive in any way, the family will be sure to let that person know how ugly they think the scapegoat is. They will criticize anything & everything about the person’s appearance. If the scapegoat is sensitive about something, that something will be the main source of the family’s criticism. I’ve noticed when the scapegoat is female, weight is often the main source of criticism, no matter the actual figure of the scapegoat.
Along these lines, scapegoating family members also can’t handle when the scapegoat is praised or complemented in their presence. If this happens, the scapegoat WILL be treated especially poorly for quite some time after the complement. I went through this with my mother & her mother, my grandmother. Any time I received a complement in their presence, I cringed because I knew for the remainder of that visit at the very least, they were going to say the most hurtful things they could think of to say to me.
The reasons that scapegoating family members are this way depend on the individuals. Obviously they could be narcissists. Narcissists can’t handle anyone appearing better than them in any way, but especially someone they have deemed so unworthy as the lowly scapegoat.
Another possible reason is any person who engages in scapegoating behavior has absolutely no healthy coping skills. This is why they have a scapegoat in the first place. They refuse to face the truth. They prefer to blame all problems on one convenient target instead. That way, they can be angry at the scapegoat instead of doing the much harder work of handling things in a healthy way.
To make blaming the scapegoat acceptable, they must have a specific image of the scapegoat in mind. It is perfectly acceptable in their minds to scapegoat someone they believe is stupid, a bad person, incompetent & even ugly. To keep that narrative alive, they reject anything good about the scapegoat. As an added bonus, doing so also damages the scapegoat’s self-esteem, which makes him or hear easier to control.
If you’re in this position, please recognize what is going on. What these people are saying or how they are treating you has nothing to do with you. They are trying to make you feel badly so they can make themselves feel better either by gaining narcissistic supply or proving to themselves that you deserve anything said or done to you. They clearly have problems & that is no reflection on you!
I’m a huge fan of the ID channel’s true crime shows, & I watch them often. It fascinates me the things that people are capable of. Not only those who commit heinous crimes, but those who have the strength & wisdom to outwit their attackers & survive brutal attacks.
Recently I was watching one of these shows. In it, a woman’s ex boyfriend kidnapped her under the guise of saying he wanted her to come with him to say good bye to his daughters. He said there was a party in another town, & he would take her to the party where his daughters would be so she could say good bye. On the way there, he threatened her & even tried to choke her. Sadly, when they got inside the house where the party supposedly was, it was empty & abandoned. It’s where he killed her.
What got me about this show was what happened just before they got to that house. The boyfriend told her to behave herself when they arrived at the party, in other words, act like he hadn’t just tried to choke her. It struck me – that is exactly how narcissists act! They can do the most painful, vulgar thing to a victim, & victims aren’t allowed to show others any signs of the trauma they just survived.
Naturally, narcissists do this to hide their horrible behavior so they can continue to do it & to impress whoever they want to impress. However, there is another facet of this behavior. Not allowing someone to act as if they have been through trauma instills shame in them.
Hiding your emotions in such a situation is good for survival, but at the same time, it can make you feel like something is very wrong with you for being upset about the trauma. I wonder if it’s partly because of how narcissists think. Many act like their victim is supposed to be able to do anything. Not because that victim is capable or smart, but because they want the victim to do things. Certain things are just expected of a victim, no matter the victim’s abilities, strengths or weaknesses. Acting normal after trauma is one of those expected things. When you feel as if you can’t act normally or struggle to do so immediately after a traumatic event, you can feel ashamed of your feelings.
Another reason for shame in such situations could be how many people treat victims. So few people are sympathetic to victims. Many people expect victims to “just get over it”, “let go of the past” or “forgive & forget.” Not a lot of people have patience for a victim who still shows signs of having been through trauma & they do their best to get them to act normal. Being around such people can instill a great deal of shame in a victim.
I’ve also experienced shame by being around someone who isn’t affected as strongly as I am by similar traumas. As an example, my husband is someone who can go on no matter what. No trauma slows him down. I’m not sure why he’s that way & trauma hits me much harder. There have been plenty of times I would see him keep going to work, working in the yard & doing other normal things after something traumatic happened. Yet, let something not as traumatic happen to me & I struggle to do things I do every day. This kind of comparison also can instill shame just like being told to act like nothing happened can.
When you experience this type of scenario, & chances are you will at some point, you need to turn to God. Pray about it. Tell Him how you feel & ask for help.
Also think about your situation objectively. It’s not normal to act like nothing happened after trauma. It’s normal to feel certain things & to act differently. If it was 95* outside, it’d be normal to sweat. Would you be angry at yourself for sweating in such hot weather? No, because it’s totally normal & understandable. Similarly, it’s normal & understandable to act differently after trauma. You have no reason to feel shame for acting differently.
Just remember, Dear Reader, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for being affected by trauma, no matter what the narcissist or insensitive people may think. xoxo
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I just thought I would let everyone know I’m thinking of making a change in my writing. Instead of only sharing what I learn about NPD, narcissistic abuse, & C-PTSD, I have decided to expand that a bit into ways to add more joy into your life.
Since I turned 50 in April, I guess you could say I’m having a mid life crisis of sorts. (No, I’m not going to divorce my husband, date a guy who’s half my age & buy a Mazda Miata.. lol) I’ve come to realize how little I’ve enjoyed my life. NPD has taken up so much time & space in it! It’s time to make some changes.
You know how the Bible says that the enemy has come to steal, kill & destroy, & is looking for someone he may devour? Well, I firmly believe he does this, but not always in obvious ways. Sometimes those ways are subtle. Being abused by a narcissist is both obvious & subtle in its devastation to one’s life. The abuse itself is obvious of course, especially when it’s someone raging at you like an overt narcissist does or giving you intense guilt trips like a covert narcissist. But the aftermath is much more subtle. It is so easy to get caught up in obsessing over trying to understand what happened & ways to heal, that you can fail to enjoy your life. That has happened to me & I’m tired of it! I would guess that many of you reading this feel the same way.
At the time I’m writing this, I have about 8 months worth of blog posts written & scheduled to publish. You won’t see many posts on enjoying life for a bit because of that. I may rearrange & reschedule as I go to interject some but I’m not sure yet. That depends on what I feel God wants me to do. More of those posts definitely will be published in the future along with my usual educational type of posts though.
Please just bear with me through this. I’m not entirely sure yet how this is going to play out. I’ve felt God putting it on my heart to write more about enjoying life from a Christian perspective as I learn to, but as of the moment, not many details have been forthcoming.
Thank you for your understanding & patience with me, & always being there! I love all of you! xoxo
I recently realized something that I’ve been living with for my entire life is most likely a symptom of narcissistic abuse. It never occurred to me before, so I started researching it & found absolutely nothing on this topic. All I can share with you is my personal experience, nothing I learned from anyone or anything else.
Many of you who know my work know I survived Carbon Monoxide Poisoning in 2015. As a result, I live with symptoms of that & a Traumatic Brain Injury from either the oxygen deprivation to my brain during the poisoning or the concussion I most likely got from hitting my head when the poison made me pass out or a combination of both. I don’t discuss these symptoms much partly because I don’t want to sound like either my mother or mother in-law who used their health problems to gain attention. I also doubt my problems in spite of the glaring evidence that something is wrong. Sometimes I think I’m exaggerating or even faking it in order to get attention like them. And, I don’t want to “bother” anyone with my trivial problems.
I know how ridiculous this sounds. How can I think that way when I know better than anyone else just how difficult my life is because of the symptoms? And for attention?! I minimize them to everyone, including myself. As far as burdening anyone, I’m not one to ask for help easily so I of all people should know if I want to ask for help, it’s very necessary. I know all of this, yet these thoughts are still there. Why?!
Suddenly it hit me. These thoughts are there because of narcissistic abuse!
Growing up, my illnesses & injuries were taken as an inconvenience. My mother could be nice to me when I was sick or hurt. A part of me looked forward to being sick or hurt for that reason. But, she would remind me even years later how much of a burden it was when I was sick. The older I got, however, the less likely it was she’d be nice to me when those things happened. In fact, I never missed a single day of high school even though there were days I really should have stayed home.
When I was 19, as I’ve mentioned before, my mother & I got into a physical fight & she threw me into a wall. I am reasonably sure she wanted to kill me that night. I lived with awful back pain for 10 years after that. No doctors believed I was injured & my mother was convinced I was faking it. Looking back now, I think the pain was due to the emotional trauma rather than any physical injury, because when I get extremely stressed, my back aches in that same location. At the time however, I didn’t realize this, & thought if even the doctors think I’m faking it, maybe I am.
As an adult, other people haven’t believed me when something was wrong or acted as if my pain was nothing but an inconvenience to them. My ex husband being the worst of them, but there were others too.
I believe the years of being accused of faking problems led me to doubt myself, & think that I am faking whatever problems I have, unless there is undeniable proof. I realized this recently when I learned one problem I have is a common symptom of brain injuries. It should have simply been eye opening but instead it made me happy because here is proof that something is wrong! I’m not faking it!
I also realized I hide so much from my husband because I don’t want to burden him, & I don’t feel I have the right to expect his help when I need it. Pretty ridiculous, really. He should help me if I need it! That is what spouses do for each other!
It occurred to me that if I experience this with my own health problems, then others who have endured narcissistic abuse probably do too. That is why I wanted to share this with you today. You’re not alone & you’re not crazy! I totally understand!
Unfortunately as of yet, I don’t know of any ways to change this dysfunctional thinking, but if I come up with anything, I definitely will talk about it in the future. In the meanwhile, please know I understand & am praying for you!
Admitting you were abused or hearing stories by other people of abuse they endured is very uncomfortable & unpleasant. No one wants to talk about abuse. I sure don’t! I’d love to write about more pleasant topics & never think about the abuse I endured ever again. Yet, I know this is impossible. Even if I quit writing about it, the aftermath of abuse never goes away. It’s always there to some degree, so talking about it is normal. Most people talk about abuse in their past either slightly, a lot like me or mostly somewhere in between.
Anyone who has decided to open up about abuse has learned that not everyone is a willing, compassionate listener. When you gather your courage to discuss the most painful experiences of your life only to be met with invalidation, it can be incredibly painful. I hope to help you learn some ways to cope with that in this post by sharing some common comments people make to abuse survivors.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Many people who haven’t survived abuse don’t understand why a victim wouldn’t reach out for help. It’s totally acceptable to educate anyone who asks this question. Abusers threaten their victims to keep quiet. They also tell their victims no one will believe them. They even destroy their victim’s self esteem to the point the victim believes no one would care anyway, so there isn’t a point in telling anyone.
“You shouldn’t talk about this. It’s not the Christian thing to do, making him/her look bad.” People who say this are often also survivors of abuse, yet who lack the courage to face their pain. Others facing their pain makes these folks feel badly, so they try to shut down the open person. Often, there is no getting through to these people, so it is best not to discuss abuse with them. It is vital to know though that there is nothing “un-Christian” about discussing your experiences. You aren’t making the abuser look bad. The abuser already did that by being abusive.
“Are you really sure that’s what happened?” This comment is often said by someone who knows both victim & abuser. This is said by someone who really doesn’t want to accept that someone they care about is capable of such awful behavior. It also is said by a narcissist’s flying monkey who is trying to instill doubt in the victim so they tolerate more abuse from the narcissist. Take this comment as a red flag that the person saying it is NOT safe! Don’t discuss your experiences with this person. Doing so only will lead to you being hurt, possibly also being the victim of a smear campaign.
“Nobody’s parents are perfect,” “No one gets along perfectly with their parents,” or “Everyone has childhood hurts.” When a person says these statements, it hurts. They are lumping vicious abuse in the same category as simple personality differences. So invalidating!! Shock value can make a person realize how foolish their words are. Saying something like, “So my mother berating me to the point of obliterating my self esteem while I was a child is the same as another mother not letting her child wear a certain shirt to school? That’s what it sounds like you’re saying, & I disagree with you.”
“Stop thinking about it” or “Stop dwelling in the past!” Wouldn’t it be nice if it was that easy?! Again, it’s acceptable to educate whoever asks this question. Tell them that C-PTSD & PTSD are common after abuse, & are brought on by experiencing such horrific trauma, it literally broke a person’s brain. A quality these disorders share is constantly reliving the trauma through flashbacks, nightmares & intrusive thoughts. Not thinking about things is impossible when your brain won’t let you.
“Why would you talk about this now, all this time later?” When in the midst of suffering abuse, the victim is busy trying to survive. Talking about it at the time rarely seems important. Once the victim is safe, survival mode ends & this person can think clearer. They often try to process what they just escaped by talking about it. Or, they are triggered by something… a sound, smell, someone that reminds them of their abuser in some way. Not a lot of people are aware of this, & that may be the case with the person who says this to you. Tell him or her.
“You’ll get over it,” “It could’ve been so much worse!” or, “Look for the positive in everything!” Such comments are what I think of as toxic positivity. While it is good to be positive, too positive is unhealthy. It’s unrealistic which easily can lead to disappointment. Comments like this also make a victim feel ashamed for still being affected by the trauma or needing to discuss it in order to heal. Don’t waste your time talking about past trauma to people like this. You’ll only end up hurt by their calloused words.
“At least he/she didn’t hit you!” A common belief is that the only type of abuse is physical. Anyone subjected to narcissistic abuse knows this is utter nonsense. Emotional, mental, sexual, financial & spiritual abuse are all horrific forms of abuse. They simply don’t leave the clearly visible scars that physical abuse does. The uneducated need to be aware of this, including the person who says this to you.. You can also tell them that PTSD & C-PTSD are physical damage done to the brain by exposure to abuse & trauma.
“What did you do to make him/her treat you that way?” This invalidating & shaming statement is so common! It makes victims feel responsible for the terrible things their abuser did to them, & that is utterly wrong! No one can make another person abuse them, period, no matter what they do or don’t do. Did Jack the Ripper’s victims do anything to make him kill them? What about Ted Bundy’s victims? No. These men saw an opportunity & took advantage of it. Their victims did nothing to deserve what these killers did to them. This is a point which you can bring up to the person who says such a disgusting statement.
“You should be more patient with him/her!” No. Just no. The more patient you are with an abuser, the more they will abuse you because they see that you will tolerate a lot. It could help to ask this person why should anyone be understanding with someone who repeatedly hurts them & shows no desire to improve their behavior?
“You should be more careful when picking your romantic partners!” This statement is nothing but victim blaming. What the heartless person saying this fails to realize yet needs to know is abusers can come across any way they like – very charming, kind, compassionate, romantic, successful. They rarely are abusive monsters 24/7. If they were, no one would get involved with them because it would be clear what they were really like. They lure victims in by appearing to be much better people than they truly are. While this seems like common sense, unfortunately it isn’t. The person who says this statement to you needs to be educated! Tell them this!
Unfortunately, there always will be people who don’t understand what it’s like to survive abuse. There also will be people who want to silence victims, no matter how much or little they discuss their experiences. The more you heal, the less these people will bother you, I’m happy to say. I also hope this post has helped you to learn some ways to deal with these people! xoxo
Proverbs 17:15 states, “He that justifieth the wicked, and he that condemneth the just, even they both are abomination to the LORD.” (KJV) All verses in the Bible are important of course, but this one strikes me as being especially important in these days where Narcissistic Personality Disorder is so prevalent.
So many people have similar reactions when someone tells them that they were abused at the hands of a narcissist. They often defend the narcissist, saying something along the lines of he or she probably didn’t mean what was said THAT way. They excuse the abuse because the narcissist was abused as a child or some other equally lame excuse. They also may minimize or even deny the abuse ever happened. One of my aunts referred to the abuse I endured at the hands of my parents as “childhood hurts”, & told me I needed to get over them.
As bad as such behaviors are, a person condemning a victim is even worse in my opinion.
According to Merriam- Webster’s online dictionary, to condemn someone means “to declare to be reprehensible, wrong, or evil usually after weighing evidence and without reservation/ to pronounce guilty.” Telling someone who has been subjected to horrific cruelty that they are wrong or evil for the abuse that they had to endure is simply reprehensible! Subjecting such a person to harsh judgment or blaming the victim for “making” their abuser hurt them are also reprehensible behaviors!
Treating someone in these ways can create a great deal of unnecessary toxic shame in them, adding to the already large amount that the narcissist in their life created. Anyone who does this, in my opinion, is a sorry excuse for a human being. However, my opinion isn’t really what matters here. God also has some very strong feelings on this behavior.
Also according to Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary, the word abomination means, “a thing that causes disgust or hatred.”
Can you imagine God, the loving, compassionate, kind & gracious God who created the universe & everything in it, feeling that way towards a person He has created? It seems impossible, doesn’t it? But it isn’t impossible! It happens & probably more often than we care to admit.
As much as God loves His entire creation, even He has limits & no tolerance for certain things. The next time you are subjected to someone either defending or excusing the narcissist who has abused you, or blaming you for the abuse, I urge you to remember Proverbs 17:15. When you do, remember, that people like this need prayer though so if you feel able to do that, then please pray for them & guard your heart against their toxicity getting inside of you. Remember, what they say is WRONG, so protect yourself against their lies taking root in your heart & mind.
One “funny” thing I’ve noticed about narcissists is they have what I think of as electronics courage. Electronics courage is when a person feels they have the right to say anything they feel like on text, your social media, email or even over the phone. Yet in person, they are civil to you.
I have a ton of examples from my own life, but I’ll only share a couple. One of my aunts who I have since blocked from my life loved her electronics courage. She once commented on one of my Facebook posts that I needed to get into therapy & figure out how to work things out with my parents, & “don’t dare tell her it won’t work!” As my father was dying in 2017, I was no contact with my parents. Several of my cousins tried to bully me into saying good bye to him. They sent an innundation of texts & Facebook messages daily during the final three weeks of his life. One tried calling me through Facebook messenger & let the phone ring for ten to fifteen minutes. Not one of these cowards showed up at my home, mind you. Instead, like my aunt, they hid behind their computers & phones.
How about you? Can you think of similar situations in your experience with narcissists & their flying monkeys? I would bet you can. If not, it will happen to you at some point if you have or had a narcissist in your life.
When this happens to you, the smartest thing you can do is block all access these people have to you. Block them on all social media platforms, block their email addresses & telephone numbers. Chances are, they will use alternate social media accounts, emails & phone numbers to try to contact you, so block those, too.
If at all possible, eliminate voicemail. I found hearing their voices angered me so I don’t have voicemail on my home phone. This was impossible to do on my cell, so I ignore all voicemail messages. I’m letting the mailbox fill up so no one can leave any messages. I also changed my message to callers telling them not to leave me a voicemail message because I won’t respond. Narcissists & their flying monkeys will ignore that request of course, but at least other people will listen.
There are also apps available to block phones from calling & texting. If your cell phone doesn’t have a good block feature, look into the apps. One thing you should know about the apps – some may technically block texts, but you still can see them. You need to make sure the settings are set so you don’t have to see them.
The laws for harassment & stalking are changing, & finally catching up with the times. If you are being harassed electronically, one smart move to make is to save any & all communication from the narcissist & flying monkeys. Take screen shots, save emails & voicemails. Save them on a cloud service or email them to yourself & save the emails on your email provider. Phones & computers crash, so it’s best not to save them on phones or computers where one crash means they can be lost forever. You may need this documentation to show to law enforcement. Even if those harassing you aren’t technically breaking the law just yet, still document their abuse. When they finally do break the law, you’ll have plenty of evidence showing their bad behavior & intentions towards you going back a long time. This can help build your case with law enforcement.
When this situation happens to you, I know it can be very hard. It’s disturbing when someone sends you constant messages full of hatred. It makes you wonder what the person is truly capable of, doesn’t it? Most narcissists & flying monkeys are simply full of hot air & electronics courage, spewing their venom from the safety of behind a computer or phone. That being said though, never underestimate them. These people can be capable of even worse behavior. Take all measures you can to protect yourself, & block all access they can possibly have to you.
There is an odd phenomenon that can happen to people who have survived narcissistic abuse & refuse to face it. They can develop narcissistic tendencies & behavior.
Thankfully, I don’t think this trait is overly common. Also I don’t think they all are true narcissists, merely showing some tendencies. Even so, it is a good idea to be aware of the potential for this behavior in victims of narcissistic abuse.
If you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse & are working on your healing, most likely you can be almost paranoid about your behavior. You’d rather do about anything rather than treat people as the narcissist treated you. Even so, it’s a good idea to monitor your behavior. Pay attention to how you speak to people & also how you treat them. If you hurt someone, also pay attention to your reaction. Do you apologize immediately to that person or do you make excuses for what you did? You know the signs of narcissism because you lived through that horror. This means you should be able to spot those tendencies in yourself easily & are motivated to make appropriate changes.
Those who haven’t admitted to themselves or anyone that their abuser was a narcissist or even abusive at all for that matter don’t have your advantages. Not working on their healing, they function from a place of dysfunction. They’re wounded but don’t know it. They may see some of their behaviors as abnormal but aren’t sure why they are abnormal. Or, they may not see there is any problem with their behavior. They are simply behaving as their parents behaved. When I was in my early 20’s, I realized I was doing that. My ex husband called me out on saying that a certain band was awful, just because I didn’t like it. I’m glad he did! Me not appreciating their sound doesn’t mean the band wasn’t talented. It simply meant it wasn’t my taste. That caused me to consider the way I acted in other areas & realized I was behaving in some ways like my parents. Even though at the time I knew nothing of narcissism, I still didn’t like my behavior & made changes.
It seems many victims of narcissistic abuse find each other. If this describes you, please be aware of what I talk about here.
Not all victims are the same. Some are early in their education about narcissism & healing from narcissistic abuse. They still are going to show plenty of dysfunctional behavior, but the good news is that they’re open to making changes & learning. Others may be in a similar place to you, & those are the people you probably will feel the most connected to.
Unfortunately, there are also those who are like I have described here. Please be very aware of those people, because they can hurt you badly, even though it may be unintentional. I’ve learned this recently from someone I know. This person was raised by a very covert narcissistic mother, yet never has admitted that fact. In fact, this person always defended that awful narcissistic mother vehemently. For years, this person’s behavior was just fine. Suddenly however, when this person was speaking, the words said were the exact words that person’s narcissistic mother has said! It was incredibly unsettling & not to mention hurtful. I know the person didn’t mean to hurt me, but to witness someone who was always a good person suddenly talk like a narcissist was incredibly hard. In fact, as I write this, I’m not sure if this person will be in my life much longer. Intentionally narcissistic or not, narcissistic behaviors aren’t something I can handle anymore.
You, Dear Reader, may experience a similar situation. I hope not, but it is still possible. Please remember to protect yourself.
Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism
When most people hear the word love, they think of how they feel around someone they love dearly. Whether that person is a love interest, parent, child, other relative or friend, the person thinking of them will feel warm, affectionate, caring feelings. But, love isn’t always about those nice feelings.
Sometimes, love feels nothing like the nice feelings I described earlier. Sometimes love is not enabling behavior the other person enjoys but is unhealthy. Sometimes love is not allowing the other person to use you. Sometimes love involves arguments. Sometimes, love even involves ending relationships. Unfortunately, many people don’t realize these things, & think love is only about the good feelings, giving in, & even tolerating abuse.
The last few months of my father’s life, I learned that is exactly what my family thought. They clearly thought I hated him & my mother because I hadn’t spoken to them for several months at that time. They obviously believed that I was living my life with no thought of them whatsoever.
What my family didn’t know & never would believe anyway is no contact with my parents was incredibly hard on me. Reaching the decision to end those relationships was gut wrenching. I took a lot of time to consider it, & said a lot of prayers. I prayed daily for wisdom for probably a couple of years before going no contact with them, & after, I prayed daily for God to take care of them & to save them.
In John 15:17 in the Amplified translation, the Bible states, “This [is what] I command you: that you love and unselfishly seek the best for one another.” There is no mention in there about the warm, fuzzy feelings, because sometimes, there simply aren’t any. Consider what I just told you about my situation with my parents. There wasn’t a single warm fuzzy feeling for them for many years, & many less at the end of their lives. But, that didn’t mean I didn’t love them. The difference is I loved them God’s way, by doing what it says in John 15:17, seeking the best for them. It was incredibly hard severing ties with them, but I knew in my heart it was necessary for my mental health & for them. And, as it turns out, my father finally turned to God at the very end of his life because I wouldn’t go see him. I’m not sure if my mother’s motivations were the same or not, but she also turned to God at the very end of her life. When you love people as God wants, it’s not always easy but it is for the best.
If you have been told that you aren’t loving abusive people right because you have started to set boundaries or even gone no contact, or even if not but you feel like you’re being unloving for such things, this post is for you today. You need to know that there is nothing good or Godly about letting people use & abuse you. In fact, it goes against God’s wishes!
Remember, if you truly love someone, you may not feel all the warm, fuzzy feelings for them. Sometimes love is best done from a distance, & praying quietly behind the scenes. And sometimes those prayers include saying things like, “Father God, I’m sorry my heart isn’t in this. I’m only praying for her because I know You want me to!” If that is all you can manage to do, there is nothing wrong with that! God truly honors those prayers, the ones you’re only praying because you know He wants you to pray. He applauds your effort & obedience while also dealing with that other person in ways you may not know about.
Some time ago, I got a virus via Facebook messenger. I quickly realized it went out to about everyone I have spoken with, whether the person was a friend I spoke with often or someone I spoke with once or twice. Upon realizing that, my heart sank. I have saved quite a few pretty horrible messages that my family sent me in the archived folder on messenger in case I would ever need them to show the police. I never read them, only the first few words that show up as a preview, but I saw enough to know they were horrible, especially the ones sent when my father was dying in 2017. The experience with the virus gave me emotional flashbacks when I thought of potentially dealing with these people again plus when I had to check those saved messages to see if those people had received the virus. Thinking about my family reminded me of some of the terrible things people have said to me since I started being open about the narcissistic abuse I’ve lived through.
Although many things people, mostly my so called family, have said to me was terrible, what they said wasn’t what bothered me the most. Their opinions aren’t important to me. What bothered me most was the complete lack of respect they demonstrated by forcing their opinions on me as if those opinions were the only thing that mattered in the world. My experiences & pain meant nothing to them. All they cared about was being heard.
The same thing happened when I broke my engagement with my now ex husband. People kept telling me how sad & miserable my ex was without me, so I should get back to him. No one seemed to care about anything I wanted to say, including how miserable I was with him.
People have a need to be heard. It is something that seems to be with people from birth. There is nothing wrong with it. There is, however, something very wrong with people whose need to be heard is greater than displaying other people love, compassion & respect. It shows a great deal of selfishness if not outright narcissism in a person who needs their opinions & thoughts to be heard above all else, even when they know they are hurting the person who they are speaking to.
The one silver lining in this is that people who behave this way are showing you a red flag. In fact, that red flag is less like a red flag & more like a giant glowing neon sign that flashes. This behavior clearly screams many things such as, “I think I am more important than you!” “What I have to say is much more important than anything you can think of to say!” “I have zero interest in anything you think or feel!” “I have zero respect for you!”
Sadly the world today is full of people who seem to think their thoughts & opinions are so important they must be shared with anyone & everyone, no matter who gets hurt. Dysfunction & even narcissism are in epidemic proportions. Once you begin to notice this behavior, you are going to be shocked just how many people do this in how many situations. Use this as a learning experience. Remember what this behavior says about a person.
This also may make you appreciate more than ever those people in your life who aren’t this way, those people who listen without talking over you to share their thoughts, & those who truly want to hear what you have to say. If this happens, let them know how grateful you are to have them in your life! They will appreciate the complements more than you know, & your relationship will get even closer.
Filed under Mental Health, Narcissism
Everyone needs validation. It’s simply a built in human need that God gave us all.
For those of us who survived narcissistic abuse, invalidation was a way of life, so it’s only natural that we crave validation more than the average person. We want to be heard & understood for a change! The problem with this is so many people don’t offer us the validation we crave. Instead, they make excuses for the narcissist, don’t want to listen to our stories or tell us things like we’re just angry, we need to let it go or other similar heartless comments.
You also can’t count on gaining validation from your abuser. It is the very rare abusive person who goes to a victim, admits that what they did was wrong, ask for forgiveness & makes appropriate changes in their behavior. Sure, some do apologize at some point, but their failure to change their behavior & either accept full responsibility or failure to stop blaming others for their behavior proves that they aren’t being genuine. The abusive behavior will continue & they don’t care about the pain & suffering they caused victims. They only apologize as an attempt to pacify a victim, not because they want to improve the relationship.
Situations like these are a very good reminder that you can’t rely on getting all the validation you need from outside sources. People are flawed, & they will fail to give you the validation you want & need sometimes. You have to learn to validate yourself instead of relying on others, which is where your healing truly begins.
As always I recommend starting this with prayer. Ask God to help you to learn how to validate yourself, rely less on validation from outside sources & even to give you validation.
You also need to accept the fact people won’t always give you the validation you need. Remind yourself often that people aren’t perfect, & they will fail you sometimes. It’s just a part of life. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care or they don’t love you. They are simply flawed human beings like every single other human being.
You also need to accept that your abuser won’t accept responsibility for the pain he or she caused you either. That type of validation most likely never will happen. You know what happened, & that truly is good enough. Even if no one else believes you, it really can be enough when you know the truth.
What people often refer to as feeling sorry for yourself is what I think of as showing yourself compassion, & it’s something you need to do. You have been through some pretty bad things, & it’s ok to admit that both to others & to yourself. Stop minimizing your experiences & your pain! You’re only invalidating yourself by doing that!
Never compare your situation to others. Doing so often leads to thoughts like, “Well that person had it way worse than me. I shouldn’t complain.” That is so wrong & also very self invalidating! Don’t do it! Trauma is trauma. So what if someone went through worse things than you did? You went through much worse than someone else did, too. Does any of that make any difference? You need to focus on your situation & ways to heal, not whether it’s better or worse than other people’s situations.
Stop judging your feelings, too. After abuse, it’s only natural to be angry or sad sometimes. It’s natural to have ruminating thoughts about certain especially painful situations or to wonder why the abuser did what they did to you. Don’t criticize yourself for thinking these things. Accept that they’re just a normal part of the healing journey.
With a little time & practice, you can learn to be your own best “validator.” You won’t regret learning this skill. In fact, I’m certain you’ll be glad you did! xoxo
When you are subjected to narcissistic abuse, you lose yourself. You often feel as if you’re being fake. Sadly, the truth is you are being fake, but not because of some flaw in you.
Narcissists do their best to mold their victims into whatever they want them to be. To do this, they start by destroying their victim’s personality. They convince victims that they don’t like the things they do like, & they like things they don’t like. They also convince victims that they feel a certain way about things that is completely untrue.
Gaslighting is a very effective way to accomplish this. By repeatedly swearing that a victim has said or hasn’t said something & even getting angry about it, a victim often starts to believe that the narcissist is telling the truth. Denial & making a person question their memories
Invalidation is also helpful in forwarding a narcissist’s agenda. Convincing someone that they have some deep flaws for feeling as they do will change their mind about their feelings. No one wants to be labeled as intensely flawed or even crazy, so they change their mind.
Narcissists also make their victims feel as if they are a disappointment, & the narcissist deserves better than that. This guilt makes victims work harder to please the narcissist, yet they can’t do it. The narcissist continually changes what they want & makes the goals loftier & unattainable.
Gaslighting, invalidation & this disappointment all work together to make victims feel shame. They feel ashamed of themselves, of who they are, of their beliefs, of what they want, think & feel… of everything about themselves. Once this toxic shame takes root in a person, they become very easy to manipulate & control, which is why narcissists work so hard to accomplish this.
If you feel this way, you’re not alone! I have been there too. First my mother tried to mold me into what she wanted from me, then my ex husband did. By the time I was in my mid 20’s, I had no idea who I really was or what I really liked, didn’t like, believed… it was a nightmare! It took time but I finally got to know the real me, & you know something? That person is ok!
If you’re reading this now, I want you to know that the real you is ok too! I also want you to know that you need to get to know this person that God made you to be, without the input of the narcissist.
Start questioning everything. Ask yourself how you genuinely feel about things. For example, do you like the kind of music you do because the narcissist told you that you liked it, or is it truly your taste? What about the kind of work you do- do you enjoy it or did your narcissistic parent tell you that you needed to get into this line of work?
If the narcissist is still in your life, question everything he or she tells you, especially about how you feel about things. While the narcissist most likely claims to know you better than you know yourself, this is nothing but a lie. You know you better & if you get to know yourself well, then nothing the narcissist says can cause you to doubt yourself or change yourself into someone you’re not ever again!
Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism
Having experienced narcissistic abuse, I have learned that when you first tell people about it, they seldom know what to say. Rather than admit that, they say some things that come across as invalidating or uncaring. To help people avoid coming across the wrong way with victims, I thought I would share some things to say instead. If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse & struggling to ask those close to you for what you need, feel free to share this post with them.
If you have no experience with narcissistic abuse, it’s understandable you can’t comprehend the bizarre things narcissists do. Even when a person has experienced it first hand, the abuse is still hard for them to understand. That being said, don’t assume the person you’re speaking with is exaggerating or even making up everything. Most people aren’t creative enough to make up such things. Even if you struggle to believe what this person is telling you, if you know the person is honest, then trust what they say! Your validation will help!
Unless the person asks you for advice, don’t give it. For many victims of narcissistic abuse, we need to talk about it. A lot. It doesn’t necessarily mean we are looking for advice. Talking about it helps us to process what happened & come up with ways to cope.
Don’t assume that the narcissist is just your average jerk or is just selfish. Narcissists are so much more than that! They have absolutely no empathy & enjoy inflicting pain on their victims. Normal ways that a person deals with the average jerk don’t work with narcissists.
Don’t say things like, “You need to let this go.” All victims of narcissistic abuse know that. The problem is that it can cause PTSD or Complex PTSD, & once you have one of those disorders, there is no letting go no matter how much a person wants to do so. The disorders make letting go of trauma impossible. Managing the symptoms is the best a person with PTSD or C-PTSD can hope for.
Don’t push forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness is a wonderful thing. Yes, it’s in the Bible. However, to really & truly forgive takes time when horrific & traumatic acts were committed against a person. Shaming a person for continuing to feel anger towards their abuser does no good, & only adds to their problems.
Don’t say things like, “It takes two to tango” or, “There are two sides to every story.” By doing this, you’re telling the victim that they are equally responsible for the abuse as their abuser. That is wrong, unfair & nothing but victim blaming! While no one is perfect, no one can force another to abuse them. All responsibility for abuse lies squarely on the shoulders of abusers. Period!
Don’t trivialize the abusive & traumatic events. One of my aunts referred to the abuse I endured from my parents as “childhood hurts”. That may have been the most hurtful thing anyone ever told me. Trivializing trauma stirs up hurt & anger like you won’t believe. If you love this person, don’t do it! Even if events they describe as traumatic sound pretty harmless to you, remember that everyone experiences things differently. Just because that might not have been traumatic to you doesn’t mean it wasn’t traumatic to them. Don’t judge their definition of trauma.
Ask the victim what you can do to help. Chances are, there really isn’t much but knowing that someone cares & is willing to help means so much!
Offer to pray with & for the victim. Prayer is so comforting & knowing that someone is willing to take the time to pray for them will comfort the victim greatly.
Remind the victim how strong he or she is to have survived the abuse. Victims often feel weak & the reminder of their true strength is incredibly encouraging!
Always be non-judgmental, supportive & kind. These three traits can go a very long way with anyone who has endured narcissistic abuse.
Have you ever heard of executive dysfunction? As the name describes, this is when executive functions don’t work properly. Executive functions are cognitive & mental abilities that enable us to accomplish things. They help us by directing & controlling our behavior, planning, prioritizing as well as giving motivation.
Executive functioning is higher level cognitive functioning. Some examples are:
Anyone can experience executive dysfunction periodically, in particular when overly stressed or tired. That is entirely normal. It becomes abnormal when executive dysfunction interferes with daily life. Difficulty with decision making, concentrating, organization & low motivation are some examples.
Executive dysfunction is often caused by brain damage. Traumatic brain injuries, dementia & Alzheimer’s disease are known causes, but mental illness can cause it as well. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, depression & Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder are known to cause it as well.
PTSD is another mental illness that can cause executive dysfunction, & that is the reason I felt it necessary to discuss executive dysfunction.
May of us who struggle with PTSD or C-PTSD also struggle with executive dysfunction, yet are unaware that was what our problem is. It doesn’t help that those in our lives call us lazy, tell us we need to get out more often or offer other equally useless & unsolicited advice. Useless or unsolicited, it still can take a toll on the self esteem especially since it’s already been so damaged thanks to the narcissists in our lives.
Those of you who have been down this road, I want to let you know today that you aren’t lazy! There is something wrong with you & it’s not your fault that you have this problem! Your brain has been broken due to the trauma or traumas you have experienced. Brain damage in any capacity is no joke! It’s a horrible thing!
Brain damage is also not something you can fix easily, like a broken bone. Brain damage may heal completely or it may not heal at all, no matter what you do or don’t do. The brain is a very unique organ & very unpredictable in how it responds to injury, trauma & even healing. I’m not telling you this to make you lose hope. I’m telling you this so you can be realistic in what to expect.
With the symptoms of executive dysfunction, you can learn ways to work with your symptoms.
Set up a routine & stick to it. Not so much you become rigid about it because there will be times you need to change it. Even so, having a set schedule takes some pressure off because you know what you need to do each day. It becomes a habit, so it’s easy to remember over time, too.
Use a calendar app on your phone to help you remember appointments & tasks that are out of the ordinary. One with alarms is especially helpful.
Utilize sticky notes & to do lists to help you to stay organized.
When motivation strikes, use it! There tend to be more days without it than with, so when it happens, use it to the best of your ability.
Executive dysfunction isn’t easy to live with I know, but you can learn ways to cope!
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You hear a lot of talk about closure & how necessary it is to healing. Closure usually seems to involve someone apologizing for the pain they caused & changing their ways. While that seems wonderful, that is also virtually impossible when it comes to narcissists.
A hallmark of narcissism is never admitting to any wrong doing on their part, let alone admitting to being abusive monsters. If you have escaped narcissistic abuse & hope your abuser will see the error of their ways one day, you most likely are going to be very disappointed. I’ve heard of narcissists who refused to admit anything even as they were dying. Their denial truly runs deep.
This doesn’t mean that there is no hope for closure for victims, however. It simply means that closure after narcissistic abuse is a bit different than it is for many other people.
First of all, you need to accept that narcissists have no desire to admit any responsibility or change that about themselves. This is how they are. Nothing can change that about a narcissist other than the narcissist being willing to improve their behavior. And that, Dear Reader, is highly unlikely.
You also need to let the narcissist be who he or she is. I don’t mean that you must “forgive & forget” or tolerate their abusive behavior. What I mean is you need to recognize that the narcissist is who they are, & not try to change them. This can be hard, especially when the narcissist is someone you love & want something better for them, but it is also necessary. Trying to force anyone to change, even when the change is in their best interest, is a form of control. If God Himself doesn’t force people to change, we as mere human beings certainly don’t have that right!
Part of allowing the narcissist to be who he or she is involves forgiving them. I don’t mean forgiving them as in everything is fine now. I mean forgiving them the same way a debt is forgiven. Sometimes, you have to let go that someone owes you a debt they can’t repay. You couldn’t expect your unemployed friend to repay you the $100 he owes you, right? Along those lines, you also can’t expect a narcissist to repay you by showing genuine remorse for their behavior. Lose that expectation. It is quite freeing.
Do NOT acknowledge anything the narcissist says about you in a smear campaign or any attempts from others to get you to resume the relationship. Anything you say or do in this situation will end up hurting you. Why I don’t know but it seems as if any normal response when these situations happen proves to narcissists & their flying monkeys that you are exactly as terrible as the narcissist says you are, & that you need him or her in your life.
Living your life is also so important! Live your life however you know is best for you. Go to work. Participate in activities that bring you joy. Enjoy your healthy, functional relationships. As time passes without the narcissist, you will feel more peaceful & grateful to be free of the narcissist.
Work on your emotional healing. Leaving a narcissistic relationship is hard no matter how awful this person was to you. You are going to feel guilt, shame, like you let this person down, like you were unreasonable, anger, sadness & more. These emotions are normal! Process them. Take time to really feel them. Write in a journal. Cry. Beat up pillows. Take your time to grieve & feel whatever emotions you are feeling. Do what you need to do to process your emotions & take good care of yourself!
Remember, whatever the narcissist in your life does, you still can have closure. It may be a bit different than it is for most people, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It just takes a slightly different course when dealing with narcissists.
Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism
Victims of narcissistic abuse struggle with shame, even when they don’t recognize that is the root of their struggle. There are two main reasons for this…
Reason #1- Shame is an incredibly effective weapon which is why narcissists use it so freely. It can reduce even the strongest of person to a mere shadow of their former self, which makes that person easy to manipulate.
Reason #2- Shame is also rather easy to put on someone. Repeating the same message can drill it into someone’s mind. Saying that message with certainty as overt narcissists do or with great disappointment as covert narcissists do helps drive the point home even faster. During the shaming, victims seldom realize what is happening or later that shame is at the root of many of their problems.
If you have been in the position of having a narcissist put toxic shame on you, you’re not alone! Not alone by a long shot! And, for more good news, you can heal. It will take some effort & time, but you can heal.
As always, I recommend starting with prayer. Ask God to show you what to do, to help you to heal & anything else that comes to mind. He will be glad to help you however you need.
You need to acknowledge areas where you feel shame. Write them down if it helps you. I have comprised a list to help you get started. You never need to carry shame for…
Once you identify the areas where you carry shame, they need to be addressed. One thing that helps me to do this is to think logically & unemotionally about the problem. I look at it objectively & ask myself if I have anything to be ashamed of in this particular situation. If not, then why do I feel shame for it? Looking at it this way helps me to see the toxic shame that has been put on me for what it is. That makes it easier to release.
I find it also helps to ask God what the truth is in the situation. Do I deserve to feel the way I do? Have I done anything that warrants me feeling this way? What is the truth in this situation? His words speak life so His answers are incredibly freeing & eye opening!
Another thing that has helped me heal from shame is to identify who precisely put the shame on me, then to envision giving it back to them. I know this sounds odd at best, but it can be surprisingly helpful. I have envisioned myself holding a box containing all the toxic shame that has been put on me. The box is ugly & even moving, so it’s pretty disturbing.. just like toxic shame. I hand that box to the person who put the shame on me & tell them this is yours. I refuse to carry it for a moment longer. Narcissists refuse to accept any responsibility for their actions, so even when I imagine this scenario, they avoid touching the box. I say that is fine, then put the box at that person’s feet & walk away. When I have mentioned this to other people, some have said they have done something similar. Some have imagined putting the box at the foot of the cross where Jesus was crucified instead.
Toxic shame is a terrible thing, I know, & no one should have to live with it. I pray that what I have said can help you to heal from the damaging effects. God bless you!
It may sound bizarre, but going no contact with a narcissist can trigger grief. Often very intense grief. Chances are there were some good times together, some laughs shared, & some other enjoyable experiences. Narcissists aren’t abusive all of the time, & during their times of not being abusive, can be really pleasant to be around. (If that wasn’t the case, if they were abusive constantly, people would catch on to what they were much faster!)
Another thing to consider is that the narcissist is still alive when you go no contact. As incredibly painful as it is to accept the death of someone you love, at least it’s natural because death is a part of life. Grieving a still living person is unnatural & that alone makes that grief more complicated.
There also is the fact that just because someone is a narcissist doesn’t mean you don’t love that person. Maybe the narcissist in your life swept you off your feet & wooed you as no one else ever has. This made you fall deeply in love with this person & in spite of all the abuse, you still love that side of the narcissist. Or maybe the narcissist in your life is a parent. Children naturally love their parents, so in spite of it all, you can’t help but to love your narcissistic parent.
Ending a relationship with someone definitely triggers grief, even when that someone was horribly abusive. It is an unavoidable fact of life. However, many people upon ending their relationship with a narcissist are surprised & even embarrassed or ashamed of how they feel. They didn’t expect to feel anything but relief at this time. This conversation is for those of you who have experienced that.
The wisest thing you can do is to maintain a close relationship to God during this difficult time. He cares so much about you & wants to comfort you! Let Him!
Never judge your feelings. Just accept them as they are, without judgment. Judging them only leads to trying to stifle them, & stifled feelings are incredibly unhealthy. Feelings demand to be acknowledged, so if they aren’t acknowledged in a healthy way, they will manifest in unhealthy ways such as dysfunctional behaviors or health problems.
Also talk about your feelings either with a safe, non-judgmental person or by writing them in a journal or both. Another person’s compassion & feedback can be extremely helpful. It can bring you validation & comfort. And, writing can help bring clarity that speaking doesn’t. Writing about things can help you to learn & understand your situation. Both can be valuable tools in healing.
You also need to know that in this time of grief, many people won’t understand how you feel. It seems like the majority of people think when you end a relationship, you don’t have any feelings for the other person anymore so ending it was no big deal to you. Even others who have severed ties with narcissists can fail to understand. Maybe they truly hated the narcissist in their lives, & assume everyone feels the same way. Learning you don’t makes them think something is wrong with you rather than accepting you simply are different. There also will be those who understand you are grieving but don’t see why it’s going on for so long. They may think you are “over it” & treat you accordingly when you aren’t doing well at all just yet. In any case, when people don’t understand how you feel, they may say & do foolish & hurtful things. Whether their intentions are malicious or not, it may be wise for you to keep a bit of a distance from them for a while.
Just remember, if you feel grief after going no contact with the narcissist in your life, there is nothing wrong with you. Take care of yourself. Process your emotions. Be understanding & patient with yourself. Grief is a process & although it’s an incredibly painful one, you will get through it.
Body dysmorphia is a mental disorder in which a person obsesses over flaws in their appearance. The flaws may be real or not. A person with body dysmorphia also often avoids other people because of feeling such embarrassment & even shame over their flaws. They also may seek surgery or other ways of fixing these supposed flaws in their appearance. The solutions may only provide temporary relief, but often the anxiety over the flaws returns.
Body dysmorphia can result from abnormalities or injuries to the brain. A family history of the disorder also can lead to a person being prone to developing it. I believe it also can be the result of narcissistic abuse.
Negative comments about something can be hurtful. If they are negative enough, they can make a person feel very self conscience. Narcissists don’t simply say a few random negative comments periodically, however. They frequently say the most scathing, cruel, vicious criticisms they can come up with in order to annihilate their victim’s self esteem, because a person with no self esteem is easy to control. One area narcissists often focus on is someone’s appearance.
Naturally when a parent says such things to their child, the likelihood of that child accepting the criticisms as truth is greater than if those same words were spoken to an adult by a stranger. Parents have a tremendous influence over their children, & children naturally accept what their parents say as true, even when it isn’t. Children’s brains are still forming too, which also makes it easier for them to accept their parents’ words as truth rather than question them.
When a child of a narcissistic parent grows up, it’s very likely that they will marry a narcissist. It’s also likely that the narcissist they marry will repeat certain patterns that their parents employed. Insulting the adult child of narcissistic parents in the area of their appearance is a common phenomenon.
When I was growing up, my mother was extremely critical of how I looked. While she never said the word “fat”, she implied I was extremely fat more times than I can count. Looking back at pictures of me as a child now though I realize I wasn’t fat at all, I was a normal weight.
Later when I married my ex husband, he continued her abuse in this area. He also never told me I was fat, but constantly implied that I needed to lose weight. I eventually lost weight & was too thin, yet I still wasn’t thin enough for his liking.
My situation is far from abnormal among adult children of narcissistic parents.
If you have experienced this as well, know that you are far from alone! Many people who have suffered with Body Dysmorphia after experiencing narcissistic abuse.
I never went to therapy about this because I didn’t realize it was something treatable through therapy, plus after bad experiences in therapy, I lacked trust in the mental health system. This caused me to look for my own ways to conquer Body Dysmorphia. While therapy is most likely the most effective way, I thought I would share my ideas anyway in case anyone reading this prefers to handle the situation on their own as I did.
During the time I was going through the worst of the Body Dysmorphia, I didn’t believe in God. Prayer wasn’t going to happen. I wish I had because no doubt God would have helped me so much more than anything I did without Him! Please learn from my mistake & pray.
Also, listen to what other people tell you. I spent my entire life dismissing complements rather than accepting them with a simple “thank you.” People don’t give complements easily. Listen to what they say because they mean them!
Look at yourself objectively. Ask yourself if what the narcissist said makes any sense. Most likely, it won’t.
When you hear the narcissist telling you about all of your flaws, question those things.
Doing these things won’t make Body Dysmorphia disappear overnight. Sometimes I wonder if it’ll ever vanish entirely since even years later, I still am quite insecure about my looks. But, at the very least they will help you to feel much less insecure, & that isn’t a bad worst case scenario!
Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism
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Several years ago, I posted something on my personal Facebook page that turned into a disaster.
The date was May 31, which is the day that my Granddad passed away in 2003. Each year in May, I get depressed because it’s been so difficult losing such a wonderful man. Some years I discuss it, some I don’t. One year, I mentioned it on Facebook & shared a few pictures of him. This simple act caused one of my relatives to be very angry with me. She left a nasty comment on my post for sharing this because she felt I was disrespecting my grandmother by not mentioning her, & only mentioning Granddad.
Think about this for a moment. It was the anniversary of my granddad’s passing. Doesn’t logic dictate that he was the center of my focus on that particular post rather than my grandmother? I adore her, but May 31 was more about Granddad in my mind & that seemed only logical under the circumstances to me. Besides, I mentioned her on her birthday, the date of her passing & my grandparents’ anniversary, so it’s not like she was ignored!
As if this relative’s reaction to my post wasn’t inane enough, it got worse.
The following May 31, I said nothing since I didn’t want to be attacked again. I didn’t think much about this until another one of my relatives (who happens to be a very malicious covert narcissist) mentioned it being the anniversary of my Granddad’s passing. This relative even shared the exact same pictures I had!! She also said similar things in her post as I had in mine the prior year! Her wording was almost word for word the same as mine. And yes, I compared our posts because I was reasonably sure she had copied mine! It was very shocking to me how she so obviously copied me, but what was even more shocking is the relative who the year prior chewed me out for being so “disrespectful” praised this person for doing the exact same thing as I had! She told this person how incredibly kind & thoughtful it was of her to remember Granddad & how much she loved her.
Frankly, the whole scene made me nauseous.
This type of scenario is very common in narcissistic families. The one who is honest about narcissistic abuse is shunned in so many ways by their own family for not conforming, for not being like the rest of the family & for being open about the family’s secrets. However, the narcissists in the family are treated so much differently! They are showered with love, support & encouragement.
If this is happening in your family, you aren’t imagining it. You aren’t over reacting. You aren’t being over sensitive for being angry about the insanity & unfairness of it. You are a person with a normal reaction to this dysfunctional situation. Unfortunately, for dysfunctional families with a narcissist (or more), their behavior is also pretty normal. Many people don’t have the courage to face the fact that someone in their family is an abusive monster or stand up for what is right. Instead, they side with the abuser. Standing up for what is right means actively doing things, like offering support to the victim & calling an abuser out on their actions. It is easier for cowardly people to side with the abuser. Besides, chances are good they will gain something from their allegiance to the narcissist. It could be favor with the narcissist or gifts or anything really.
All of this means that there is nothing wrong with you! It also is nothing personal, even though it feels that way. The problem lies with not only the abusive narcissist, but his or her flying monkeys as well. You are fine, they are not! Please try to remember that, & keep on telling your story!
The Bible has many wonderful verses about forgiveness. They are scattered throughout both the Old & New Testaments
There is a slight problem with these verses though. It isn’t even the verses, but how verses are quoted by some people. I’ll give you an example from my own life. Years ago, my father was in the hospital briefly. I did most of the communicating with the medical staff. Some of the care he received was terrible & I was angry about it. I was also frustrated because as his daughter, there wasn’t much I could do on his behalf. That was my mother’s job & she didn’t seem to want to do anything. One of my father’s sisters called me one day after an especially frustrating time at the hospital. Upon realizing I was angry, she scolded me for being angry. Said I need to let this go & forgive the people who caused my anger & do it NOW. While I did that eventually, that was the lowest priority in my life at that time. My anger helped motivate me to push the staff to treat him better & to push my mother to do what she needed to do as well. It was also reasonable to be angry in that situation, contrary to what my aunt seemed to think. Scolding me for responding appropriately didn’t help & in fact, made the situation worse in a way because then I was also angry with her.
This sort of scenario happens often with people who have been abused when they tell Christians about it. I heard early in my Christian walk that I needed to focus on forgiving my parents & ex husband. In fact, one woman told me, “I don’t know what your problem is. God says forgive so I just do it.” Talk about shame inducing!
It also doesn’t help that many people think to forgive someone always means you “forgive & forget.” That is often the worst thing a person can do!
Forgiveness Scriptures are a wonderful thing, but unfortunately many people misunderstand & misapply them.
For one thing, to forgive someone doesn’t necessarily mean “forgive & forget”. It can, of course, but for small things only. Your best friend forgets your birthday should be one of those, especially if that person has a lot going on in their life & this is the first time it’s happened. Applied to those of us who have been abused however? Forgiving & forgetting is a terrible mistake! Doing so only sets yourself up for further abuse. It also doesn’t give the other person consequences for their actions, so they continue with their bad behavior not only with you but with others as well. This is obviously NOT a good thing!
Forgiveness also doesn’t necessarily equal reconciliation. It can, but it doesn’t have to mean that. Regarding the narcissists in my life, I thought of forgiving them more like forgiving a debt. When someone forgives a debt, that means they no longer expect the borrower to repay them what they owe. In abusive relationships, the abuser does owe the victim at the very least an apology. When you release the abuser from owing you that apology & whatever else they owe you, you have forgiven them. You may still feel some anger towards them, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven them. It means you released them from owing you anything for the suffering they caused. In time, the anger will lessen, but it may not go away entirely. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, because abuse should be something that stirs up anger in everyone!
Also, to truly forgive someone, you have to feel & process your emotions first. Forgiveness can’t truly happen until you do that, I believe. That process can take a long time sometimes, especially when a person has been abused.
Dear Reader, don’t let anyone shame you for not forgiving your abuser quickly enough. I firmly believe that as long as you want to do that & are working on it, God isn’t angry with you. He understands that you simply aren’t able to do it right this moment. He will help you get there too. All you need to do is ask for that help!
Mathew 5:44 says that we are to love our enemies & pray for those who persecute us. This really is a wonderful thing to do. It helps you to release your anger at those people who hurt & even abuse you, which of course is a wonderful thing. Anger is an awful burden to carry. Plus, those who behave so terribly obviously need prayer because something is wrong with them.
The problem is how some folks apply this verse. Victims of abuse are often told they need to pray for the person who hurt them. While that is true, telling someone that immediately after they have divulged their situation is probably the worst timing imaginable!
Someone who has suffered abuse really has a lot of issues to contend with. Shame is usually one of those issues, since abusers often blame their victims. Telling someone about it takes a lot of courage because of this, especially if the abuser & this other person know each other. When someone does this & is immediately told that they should pray for the person who caused them such pain only adds to their shame. Praying for that person isn’t what a person in that situation wants to do just yet, even if it is Scripture. That can add to their shame because they are often told they’re “disobeying” God.
Telling someone in that situation to pray for their abuser is also very invalidating. The victim’s pain is ignored & they are told to pray for the person who inflicted that pain on them. It makes the victim feel as if they have no right to their pain, because praying for their abuser is so much more important. A bit skewed true, but that is how that situation makes a person feel.
It also makes a victim feel like they are the problem, especially when they are still in the place of not wanting to pray for their abuser just yet. It makes a victim feel like they are wrong & even un-Godly for not being able to pray for the abusive person.
Suggesting someone pray for their abuser too soon also can make a person turn away from God. When you’ve been through an abusive experience & then tell someone, if that someone puts much more value on praying for the abuser than your pain, it can make you think God is that way. He’s more interested in getting his way than your suffering or doesn’t even care about your pain at all. No one should be made to feel this way, but it does happen, sadly.
Another potential problem this suggestion can create is anger. Anger at God for wanting something that seems impossible. Anger at people for preaching rather than offering gentleness & understanding. Anger about the unfairness of feeling like the victim being assaulted while the abuser gets prayer.
Suggesting a victim pray for their abuser right away can cause that victim to be stuck in a painful, shame filled place. Rather than push victims to pray for their abusers, they need compassion, validation & understanding. They need love & security too. Most of all, victims need time
If you look at Matthew 5:44 again though, while it does say we should pray for those who persecute us, it does NOT say we should do it right away. I fail to see how there is anything wrong with focusing on healing for as long as it takes before praying for an abusive person. In fact, I don’t think that should even be mentioned for a while to a victim. They need to heal enough where they can hear such a message without anger or shame. That sort of healing doesn’t happen quickly. It takes time, & there is nothing wrong with that. God truly understands these things & won’t be angry at a victim who can’t pray for their abuser quickly.
When a person faces serious health problems, they change & not only physically. Their personalities change, too. That is normal. Sometimes the personality changes can be very bad.
A dear friend of mine lost her husband some time ago after caring for him for several years. Not long before he died, she told me some very disturbing things about his behavior. This once good, kind, loving man was suddenly exhibiting many narcissistic traits. In particular, he didn’t want his wife to be with other people, including their children. It was bizarre since narcissism doesn’t suddenly show up, like when you catch a cold. The more we talked about things, the more I thought of something…
After I survived Carbon Monoxide Poisoning, the hospital gave me no information & even said my elevated carbon monoxide levels “weren’t so bad.” They also said I had no brain injury in spite of showing many signs of a concussion from hitting my head when I passed out. The hospital said I could return to work two days later, but by that time, I still felt just as miserable as I did when I left the hospital. I was lost, so I started researching my condition. I also joined a traumatic brain injury group on Facebook. I noticed immediately most people in the group showed a LOT of narcissistic tendencies & were very insecure. I left the group quickly, but I realized something. I was starting to behave much as they were! I wanted my husband to be with me non stop & was very annoyed he wasn’t. I knew he had demanding, elderly parents with health problems, plus a full time job which all left him exhausted much of the time, but even so, I was annoyed he didn’t spend more time with me. Realizing how selfish I was behaving was a real wakeup call!
I told my friend about my experiences plus what I witnessed in that group & in time, we realized what happened with her husband was much like what happened to me.
The reason I’m sharing this is so many people are affected by serious health concerns either in themselves or in those they love. Whether you are the person with the condition or someone you love is, it’s vital to understand that serious health problems can change someone’s personality drastically. The condition doesn’t even need to be something that affects one’s brain directly like Alzheimer’s, stroke or traumatic brain injury for this to happen.
When you become seriously sick or injured, you become scared. Even if you’re getting the best of care & have a great prognosis, health problems are terrifying.
Add in that you can’t do things you once took for granted & are forced to rely on other people for help. That too can make you feel afraid, especially for the person who has always been self reliant, & is a serious blow to the self esteem.
Having to rely on other people also can make you feel like a burden, which unsurprisingly is terrible for one’s self esteem.
Feeling like a burden can make you feel that you need to put your best face forward & not show others just how miserable you feel or how much you’re struggling. There is a very difficult balance in this situation. If you act as if your symptoms aren’t as bad as they are, or not happening at all, people often think you’re faking the health crisis. But, if you are honest about it, people often think you’re exaggerating your symptoms, feeling sorry for yourself or looking for attention.
Feeling insecure & afraid naturally change a person. Many people get angry. Many others talk about their illness non stop in an effort to educate people, which often alienates them because people get tired of hearing about this topic. Most people though seem to become insecure, some even to the point of displaying narcissistic tendencies.
If you are the person who is ill & behaving this way, please work on healing! You are only hurting yourself & those around you! I know it’s hard but you can change! Watch your behavior, & change it accordingly. Apologize when you mistreat someone or have unfair expectations on them. Stop expecting people to meet your needs & focus on God to do that.
If you are the person in a relationship with someone who is behaving this way, remember, you can’t change their behavior. They have to change themselves. But, you aren’t helpless. You need to have good boundaries in place & enforce them. Talk to this person & explains that their behavior hurts you. Non-narcissistic people will respond to that! I know it seems hard to believe if you’ve dealt with a narcissist, but it’s true. Remind yourself that their behavior isn’t personal. It’s their illness making them act this way rather than something you are doing wrong.
Whichever position you are in, remember to stay close to God. Nurture that relationship. That is what will help you more than anything else!
Filed under Caregiving, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Miscellaneous
Being Over Sensitive To Criticism
I’ve noticed recently that I am way more sensitive to criticism than I used to be. It’s not that I care what people think, but I care that people feel they must share their negative opinions with me when I didn’t ask for their opinions.
When I first realized this, I chalked it up to getting older & crankier. In time though, I realized it’s not only those things. I firmly believe it is because of having experienced narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists are most likely the most judgmental & critical of all people. They must share any & all opinions of their victims they have at all times. They favor negative ones in particular as a way to chip away at their victims’ self esteem since low self esteem makes a person easy to control & abuse.
If by some chance narcissists think something positive about their victims, they won’t offer any praise. They prefer to do much crueler things. The best option is they simply withhold praise, but that seldom happens. Instead, they prefer to claim responsibility for that good thing such as by claiming if they hadn’t pushed the victim, he or she never would have gotten that promotion at work. Narcissistic parents also claim that their victim/child got whatever talent they have from that parent. This means that when their child gets praise for something, the parent often says something along the lines of, “She got that talent from me.”
Another common scenario with narcissists is to twist the good thing in their victim around so it looks bad, thus ruining that good thing. For example, many years back, before I decided to focus only on writing, I did some editing work. I was blessed to work with one amazing client & mentioned the work to my mother. That was a huge mistake, but at that time, I didn’t know anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I mentioned my client & the work I was enjoying doing for her because I naively thought my mother would be happy for me. She always fancied herself a skilled writer, & she was, but she never worked in the field. I thought she might be happy that I was working in the field & enjoying myself. Well, not only did she not share my joy, but a few days later she ruined mine. She did this by saying she was thinking of getting into editing work because (& this is her wording), “it’s such easy money. Obviously anyone can do it.”
Narcissists also beat their victims down with criticism. When my husband & I got together, his mother repeatedly told me how much she hated my car. For years, I heard constant hateful comments. Many times I wanted to tell her, “I know. You hate my car. You think it’s the worst car in the whole world. There’s no need to keep telling me. I figured out how you feel after the first 50,000 times you mentioned it!”
After going through these things for years at the hands of narcissists, I really think that no matter how much we may have healed, criticism is still a very tough thing for us to handle, even when we don’t care about someone else’s opinions. We are burned out on criticism, negativity & cruelty. We also had it drilled into us how awful we are or something about us is. After years of this, we get to the point where criticism, unless it’s clearly well meaning & meant to help, is incredibly irritating. So many times I have wanted to tell someone, “Your opinion wasn’t asked for & truly means nothing. Why must you share it? And, why do you think it’s ok to be such a disrespectful jerk?”
If this describes you, I so relate! It’s frustrating! I have learned the best way to handle criticism that is unasked for & unfair is to stop for a moment. Inhale deeply then exhale to calm your mind & body. Remind yourself that you are having a reaction to the narcissistic abuse, nothing more. Also remind yourself that not all people have good social skills. Some are very critical simply because they haven’t learned any better. That doesn’t mean they are narcissists or are out to hurt you. They are simply oblivious. And, remember that just because someone is criticizing you doesn’t mean what they said is true. Consider what they have to say, & if it’s wrong, disregard it. If they are right, although it was a painful way to learn, you still learned something. That is a good thing.
If you know the person who is critical, then you know if you can talk openly to them or not. If you can, gently let them know how you feel. They may have simply not realized how what they said sounded. Or they may be struggling with something & took their frustrations out on you.
And as always, remember to pray. Ask God for wisdom & help in your situation, & He will provide you whatever you need!
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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism
Tagged as abuse, comments, critical, criticism, criticize, disorder, emotional, judgemental, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic, negative, negativity, personality, verbal