What Honoring Parents Is NOT

Many people are under the mistaken belief that if a person claims to be a Christian, they must blindly obey their parents, no matter what.  Narcissistic parents in particular want their children to believe this.  These people fail to realize this isn’t what Biblical honor means.

To honor someone means to give them respect.  Respect is all that is necessary for honoring.  Even the most dishonorable parent can be given the simple respect of their position in your life by acknowledging their position as your parents, being civil to them & not using or abusing them.  This is what God says parents deserve, whether they are good or bad, & as Christians, this is what we should do.

When you have good, loving parents, naturally you will want to do that & even more to show your love & appreciation for them.  When you have abusive parents however, just as naturally, you won’t want to do more for them, & that is ok!  So long as you show your parents those simple displays of respect, you are honoring them!

Also, Christians are commanded to love others as ourselves according to Mark 12:31.  If you know anything about what the Bible has to say on the topic of love, it is clearly nothing like what many people think it is.  Godly love isn’t about obedience & enabling bad behavior.  It is about doing what is best for people, even when that is difficult & even when they think what you’re doing is a mistake.

Honoring parents also doesn’t mean putting them above God in your life.  God comes first, period!  Proverbs 3:6 in the Living Bible says, “In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success.”  It’s pretty obvious that He must come first!

Narcissistic parents often want their children (no matter their age) to do things that go against the children’s beliefs or morals.  For Christians, doing such things would be a huge mistake!  Acts 5:29 in the New International Version says, “Peter and the other apostles replied: “We must obey God rather than human beings!”  No one, not even parents, should be obeyed before God!  Another verse to prove this is Matthew 6:24, also in the New International Version: “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

While I never tell people “just go no contact” because each situation is unique, I do want to include some information on that topic for those who either have gone no contact or are considering no contact with their narcissistic parents.  Sometimes the most honorable thing you can do is to walk away from abusive parents.  Years ago, I was seriously considering going no contact with my parents long before I actually did it.  I was conflicted though, because I felt that couldn’t be honoring them.  One of the things God spoke to me at that time was sometimes walking away is the most honorable thing you can do.  It provides consequences for bad behavior, which are meant to teach a lesson.  Granted, that doesn’t usually work with narcissists, but that is the way things are supposed to work.  And, even if they don’t learn from the consequences, by giving them, you are still doing things God’s way, because you are trying to help your parents learn that they need to improve their behavior.  You also are removing an opportunity for your parents to sin when you eliminate them from your life.  Without you around to abuse, they will sin less simply because they haven’t got the opportunity to abuse you. 

Don’t let anyone convince you that you aren’t honoring your parents if you aren’t doing things exactly their way.  Consider what I have said on the topic, read your Bible & pray about the topic for yourself.  I wish you the best!

When Narcissistic In-Laws Accuse Their Relative’s Spouse Of Controlling Their Relative

From early in my relationship with my husband, I knew my in-laws didn’t like me.   I also got the feeling they thought I controlled him.   I found out I was right in 2002 when one of my sisters in-law raged at my husband about me “stealing him & keeping him from his family.”   She obviously was also speaking for her sister & mother. I also knew just how ridiculous the accusations were.   They were the controlling women in his life, not me.   I didn’t know about Narcissistic Personality Disorder back then so it didn’t make sense why they thought this way about me.   Eventually I learned their behavior with me was typical of narcissistic in-laws, & many other people were in a similar situation to mine.

Narcissistic in-laws often believe that they are the only ones who have the right to control their relative.  They see themselves as the gatekeepers of their family & will do whatever it takes to maintain their power & control.  When they see their relative’s spouse having any say in their relative’s life, they get extremely offended because they see their control over their relative is threatened.

Narcissistic in-laws often accuse their relative’s spouse of controlling their relative to manipulate the situation.  They know that by accusing the spouse they can create doubt & mistrust within the marriage. 

When accused of being controlling, the spouse often starts to wonder if they are being too controlling.  They usually become even more easy going to prove that the accusation is wrong.  This is exactly what narcissistic in-laws want, because it allows them to maintain their control over their relative.

It’s important to remember that when narcissistic in-laws accuse their relative’s spouse of controlling their relative, it’s not about the spouse at all.  It’s about their own need for control & their fear of losing it.  The accusation is just a tool to maintain their power & manipulate the situation.

These narcissistic in-laws cause plenty of tension & mistrust within the marriage.  Their behavior leads to arguments as the spouse tries to defend themselves & the relative often defends their family to the spouse.

Their behavior also can cause the spouse to distance themselves from their in-laws, which can lead to more tension & conflict.  The narcissistic in-laws see this as a victory, as they have successfully driven a wedge between their relative & spouse.  This further reinforces their belief that they are the only ones who can control their family member.

This accusation also causes the spouse to feel isolated & alone, especially when the relative defends their narcissistic family.  They feel that their relationship with their spouse is threatened.  This leads to feelings of betrayal, sadness, anger, & frustration.

If you find yourself in a situation where your narcissistic in-laws are accusing you of controlling your spouse, you can cope with it!  To start with pray, & ask God for guidance.

It’s also important to not react emotionally when dealing with you narcissistic in-laws because any anger from you will reinforce to that family that you are the problem, & you don’t want them to have any more power.  Remembering this accusation isn’t personal or true.  It’s about them wanting control over your spouse.

Give them no personal information.  The less they know about you, the more likely they will lie about you to their relative, & the greater the chances their relative will see their lies.

You also can limit your contact with your in-laws.  This means avoiding family gatherings & limiting phone calls & text messages.  If your spouse disapproves of this, remind them their family has problems you.  Why should you try to have a relationship with them?  It’s ok to prioritize your mental health over your relationship with your in-laws.  I severed ties with my in-laws in 2002, & never regretted it.

If your spouse defends their family & refuses to see anything bad about their behavior, you’re in an especially difficult situation.  Don’t try to convince them of the truth, because that makes them even more protective of their family.  Don’t try forcing them to choose you over their family, because that will make them believe their family is right about you & choose them. 

It’s also important to seek support from safe people who see the truth of this dysfunctional situation, especially if your spouse doesn’t see it.  Neutral people also will help keep you grounded which is so important in such a crazy making situation.

Dealing with narcissistic in-laws who accuse you of controlling your spouse can be a challenging & emotional situation, but you can handle it!

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Dysfunctional Coping Skills Of Narcissists – Reinventing The Past

A few years before my mother died, she frequently told me what a great mother she was.  It was truly painful for me, listening to her brag about all the wonderful things she supposedly did for me.  Not only because either the things didn’t happen the way she said or she hadn’t done those things at all, but also because I felt she was disregarding the trauma she inflicted on me.  It was very painful.  I finally asked God to help me out with this.  I was tired of hurting & frankly, I was also livid that she thought this was ok.  He showed me some things.

My mother’s stories weren’t true, & she knew that.  She was trying to convince herself & I both that she hadn’t done the terrible things she actually had done to me.  While she didn’t care about the damage she caused me, she did care about anyone thinking badly of her.  If other people knew what she had done, she would look bad, so it was best to convince me those things didn’t happen so I wouldn’t share stories of those terrible things.  Her actions towards me caused her shame because of how they made her look, & this was how she chose to cope with what she did.

If she could convince herself those things hadn’t happened but the good things did, she also could convince herself that she was a good mother.  A big added bonus for her.

A lot of people are like my mother was in this situation.  They have no clue how to cope with problems.  Rather than try to find a healthy way, they engage in very dysfunctional coping skills like reinventing the past as my mother did.  She could have come to me, said she realized how badly she hurt me & was sorry.  She tried to be a good mother but had no idea how to accomplish that.  That would’ve been the happy ending to this problem I wanted, but it also wasn’t possible.  She couldn’t have done that because, in typical narcissist fashion, she couldn’t face the bad things she had done.

When you are on the outside looking in at someone who behaves this way, it is hard not to be upset.  Often, the knee jerk reaction will be you want to set that person straight.  It’s so unfair that they invalidate your pain just to make themselves comfortable, especially for such trivial reasons as reputation or appearance.  If the situation isn’t like that, but is someone you love working hard to ignore something they should face, your knee jerk reaction can be much the same, you want to set that person straight because you want better for them than this dysfunction.  Eirher way, this is such a frustrating place to be!

Today though I feel that you need to know that you need not to act on your reaction.  Yes, it would be wonderful to tell that person they are wrong & guide them in the right direction only to have them see the error of their ways.  That is sadly unrealistic though.  A person who employs such dysfunctional coping skills is rarely going to be open to the truth. 

Please remember though that no matter how dysfunctional a person’s coping skills are, they have the right to use those coping skills.  The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will be at peace.  I know this is a very tough pill to swallow.  It was for me with my mother.  But, once I did that, I realized peace like I hadn’t felt before. 

By accepting their coping skill, please know I don’t mean allowing them to draw you into their dysfunction.  I do mean accepting that they are in a different place than you.  They feel this is all they can handle right now.  You also do not need to validate their delusions.  If they demand you agree with whatever they say, you can change the subject or give a non committal type answer such as simply saying, “I know that’s what you believe.”  Also by accepting their coping skill, that doesn’t mean you need to believe what they say.  Always remember the truth, not the tales woven by someone using such a dysfunctional coping skill. 

Why Victims Talk About Their Experiences With Narcissistic Abuse

Many times, victims of narcissistic abuse talk about their experiences once they are free of their abuser.  A lot.  To many who haven’t had similar experiences, this often looks like some unhealthy coping mechanism or simply not healing by being stuck in the past.  That actually isn’t the case though.  There isn’t anything wrong with discussing those terrible experiences.  In fact, it can be a very healthy thing to do!

Talking about the traumatic experiences we endured at the hands of narcissists help us to process what we went through.  Narcissistic abuse is not only incredibly cruel but it can be outrageous as well.  Even having experienced it first hand, sometimes it’s still hard to believe it happened.  Talking about the abuse is helpful in making it more real.  It also can help you to accept what happened for what it was rather than sugar coat it or even completely deny aspects of it.

When talking about abusive experiences with other people, we also can figure out what’s normal & what isn’t by their reactions.  Since narcissists are so very good at gaslighting, it can be hard to tell what is truly real & what is only what the narcissist says is real.  Narcissists work so incredibly hard to distort their victims’ reality that we need help to figure out what is real & what isn’t, sometimes even many years after the abuse has ended.  The deprogramming of the narcissists’ toxicity is a long & difficult process, so any help in this area is a wonderful thing!

Narcissists convince their victims that normal is bad, so learning what is normal & also that it isn’t a bad thing is healing.  Narcissistic parents & spouses speak of normal things that their victims want in such a shaming way, it leaves victims feeling horribly for wanting normal things like respect, civility & even love.  Victims often feel like something is wrong with them for wanting these things.  It is so helpful to learn that nothing is wrong with you for wanting these things, but instead, something is very wrong with the narcissist for shaming you for wanting such things.  It helps you to release a great deal of shame & gives such freedom!

Talking about our experiences with other people also can give us the empathy we have lacked with the narcissist.  A functional person who didn’t experience narcissistic abuse may find your experiences hard to believe, but won’t assume you’re lying.  They also will feel badly that you went through & offer you comfort & validation.  Narcissists give their victims nothing of the sort, & often mock their victims for wanting such things.  They label normal feelings all wrong.  They shame victims for feeling sorry for themselves when their reaction is completely normal to the abuse the narcissist just inflicted on them.  After suffering through that, it can truly be a comfort & helpful when someone else sees that what you went through was truly abnormal & even horrible

While discussing your traumatic past can be healthy, I believe what is equally healthy is to take breaks from thinking & talking about it.  It can be easy to get too caught up in the terrible things that were done to you & even wanting to learn all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Doing that can burn a person out emotionally, so taking breaks is truly vital to good mental health.  Be sure to set aside time where you refuse to think about any of that & focus on lighter & more fun topics.  Watch fun movies.  Participate in your favorite hobby.  Spend time with close friends who make you laugh.  Take yourself out to dinner.  Whatever you do doesn’t need to be anything elaborate or expensive, but it does need to be a pleasant distraction. Your mental health is very important, so please, always take good care of it!  xoxo

Lies Narcissists Tell

Narcissists rely greatly on lies.  Their lies help narcissists not only maintain the image of themselves they want other people to see, but also they help them to abuse their victims.  Today, I would like to address some of their big lies they don’t want to get out.

Narcissists are necessary to live a good life, or so they say.  Narcissists love to make their victims feel like without them, the victim wouldn’t succeed at all.  The truth however is much different.  The truth is without them, victims will succeed & be much happier.  If you consider your life with & without the narcissist involved, no doubt you will see a LOT of differences.  Your life without the narcissist was much better, wasn’t it?

You aren’t really the problem in the relationship.  Narcissists love to lay the blame for all problems in the relationship on their victim, but you know what?  That isn’t true!  The problems in relationships boil down to the narcissist, every single time.  They make the choice to abuse, & to push victims’ buttons relentlessly until they blow up.  Victims respond in perfectly understandable ways in these situations.  That doesn’t make any victim the problem in the relationship.

The narcissist also lied about how other people see you.  Narcissists love to tell victims that other people see them as bad, abusive, mentally unbalanced & more as a way to isolate them.  If a narcissist can convince their victim that everyone sees them a certain way, then chances of that victim looking to others for help or others telling the victim that the narcissist is abusing them are very slim. 

They say you’ll never find someone who loves you as much as the narcissist.  Narcissists love to tell their victims that no one could ever love them like the narcissist “loves” them.  My ex husband told me that once, & you know something?  He was right!  I haven’t been in any other relationship with anyone who “loved” me like he did, & that is a wonderful thing!  The only other person who will love you like the narcissist has is another narcissist.  Functional people will love you in ways that don’t destroy your self esteem, identity, peace of mind, finances, life…

Whatever the narcissist said about you was wrong.  I know, it can be very hard to believe this after the narcissist drilled certain things into your mind, but I promise you, it’s true.  They don’t take the time to get to know their victims well, so they truly don’t know their victims, even though many will say they know the victim better than the victim knows himself or herself.  Narcissists also work hard to convince their victims that they are stupid, ugly, lazy, worthless & much more as a means to gain control over them by ruining their self esteem.  There is not one grain of truth in any of the terrible things the narcissist told you about yourself.

I pray this list of some of the secrets narcissists have helps you to see the truth, & be happier & healthier.

Narcissists Hide Their Toxic Behavior

An especially challenging aspect of narcissistic abuse is the constant lack of witnesses.  They are very skilled when it comes to hiding their behavior from everyone other than their victims.  This behavior can be so frustrating, because as a victim, you want & need other people to see the horrors that the narcissist is putting you through.  Knowing others see what you do helps you to feel validated & also less like you are imagining everything.  It can be so grounding when someone else sees the problem, which is incredibly helpful since narcissists love to convince their victims that what they did wasn’t a big deal, it didn’t happen as the victim remembered it, it was completely normal, it was the victim’s fault or it didn’t even happen.

Unfortunately, these are the same exact reasons that narcissists try to hide their behavior.

If you are struggling with a narcissist abusing you right now & are frustrated because everyone else sees that same person as a great person, you’re not alone.  I would bet that every single victim of narcissistic abuse has struggled with this issue.  And naturally, as a result it can make you wonder if you’re overreacting, being too sensitive or even imagining the abuse.  Today I want you to know that none of that is true.  You are NOT overreacting.  You are NOT oversensitive.  You also are NOT imagining the abuse.  It is real & it is horrible.  Just because no one else sees it, doesn’t mean it isn’t real or horrible!

Narcissists hide their abusive ways because they know that what they are doing is absolutely wrong.  The problem is that even though they know this, they don’t care enough about hurting their victims to stop their cruel behavior.  It gets them whatever it is that they want, so they don’t think stopping this behavior is an option.  Hurting other people is inconsequential.  That being said though, hurting other people can make any witnesses to this behavior think less of them, so they must hide it if they want other people to continue to think well of them.

If other people witness this behavior, they may try to stop the narcissist from behaving as they do, which is another reason for them to hide their behavior.  To continue their abusive ways, all possible hindrances must be avoided.  It is beneficial for narcissists to show good behavior to any witnesses so that way the witnesses will have no reason to try to change their behavior.

Showing their true colors to only their victims also is beneficial to narcissists because if their victims tell other people about the abuse, those other people won’t believe them.  They will believe the narcissist’s “I’m a good person” act instead.  This means victims will receive little or most likely no support at all.  Lacking support means the victim may give up any hope of escaping the abuse, & be willing to tolerate whatever the narcissist does to them.

The Common English translation of the Bible says in John 3:20-21, “All who do wicked things hate the light and don’t come to the light for fear that their actions will be exposed to the light. Whoever does the truth comes to the light so that it can be seen that their actions were done in God.”  Clearly this behavior is normal to the truly cruel & evil people in the world.  If you are wondering why the narcissist in your life hides their toxic behavior, this is why.  It’s normal to them.  That being said though doesn’t mean that it should be tolerated or that something is wrong with you for being upset about it!

Please, if you are in turmoil because the narcissist in your life has hidden their toxic behavior from everyone but you, remember, there is nothing wrong with you!  You aren’t crazy, oversensitive, imagining things or whatever else you are feeling.  A person who truly is unaware of their bad behavior won’t hide it or try to make those they hurt feel as you feel.  To them, it’s normal so there is nothing to hide.  Narcissists aren’t like that though.  They know what they’re doing is wrong so they try to hide it for all of the reasons I’ve mentioned.  You’re fine!  They, however, are NOT. 

When Insecure People Are Toxic

Have you ever met someone who seemed to make you feel inferior, no matter what you did?  Maybe they were critical of everything you said or did, or maybe they exhibited narcissistic behaviors that made you feel like you were always failing, wrong or walking on eggshells around them.  These people can be toxic, & oftentimes, their behavior stems from deep-seated insecurity that they’re not willing to address. 

Insecure people often exhibit behaviors that can be harmful to those around them.  They may act smug or superior to hide their insecurity, in an effort to make others feel inferior.  They may find comfort in routine & stability, to the point that they resist change.  This means that they’ll fight change hard enough to hurt others, even if the change is necessary.  They can also be very critical & competitive, always trying to prove themselves, put others down or do both at the same time.  Many even exhibit narcissistic behaviors to hide their insecurity, some evolving into full-blown narcissists.  These behaviors can be especially harmful if they’re not addressed.

It’s important to note that not all insecure people exhibit toxic behavior.  Some may keep their insecurity to themselves, while others may actively work to address it in healthy ways.  However, when insecurity is allowed to fester & manifest in harmful behaviors, it can become toxic.

It’s also worth mentioning that everyone experiences insecurity at some point in their lives.  It’s perfectly natural.  However, it’s how we deal with that insecurity that can make it toxic.  If we’re not willing to address it, it can manifest in harmful ways that hurt both ourselves & those around us.

If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who exhibits this type of harmful behavior, you need to take action to protect yourself & those around you.  The first step is to ask God for help.  Pray for wisdom, discernment & guidance in identifying the toxic behavior & the best course of action to take.

When dealing with someone like this, it’s also important to logically question what the toxic person is saying.  Don’t take their criticism or put-downs at face value.  Instead, ask yourself if what they’re saying is true.  If it’s not, don’t internalize their negativity.  And ask them other questions such as to clarify what they’re saying, why they are saying this & what evidence do they have that what they’re saying is true.

Setting healthy boundaries is also a must.  Be clear about what behavior is acceptable & what is not.  It may mean limiting your interactions with the toxic person, or even ending the relationship altogether if they’re unwilling to change the behaviors that they know continually hurts you.

If you find yourself feeling guilty about ending a toxic relationship, remember that staying enables their bad behavior & hurts you.  No good comes from that.  It’s important to prioritize your own well-being & surround yourself with positive, supportive people who lift you up instead of tearing you down.

Ending a toxic relationship can be difficult, but it’s often necessary for your own = well-being.  You deserve to be treated with respect & kindness!  You also have the power to create healthy relationships in your life.

Ultimately, it’s up to the toxic person to address their insecurity & harmful behavior.  You can’t force them to change, but you can take control of your own life & set boundaries that protect you from their toxicity.  You can protect yourself from their toxicity & create healthy, positive relationships in your life.

“You Should Just Leave!”

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I Ran Into A Flying Monkey

I absolutely detest flying monkeys.  In my opinion, they truly are the worst of the worst.  They’re sorry excuses for human beings who encourage innocent people to tolerate infinite amounts of all manners of abuse & cruelty & shame them for having any boundaries or self respect.  Recently I had yet one more reminder of exactly why I despise these people.

At the time I’m telling this story, my latest flying monkey interaction just happened about a week ago.  It’s been over 4 years since my mother died & 5.5 years since my father died, yet I had the “pleasure” of dealing with yet another one of their flying monkeys. 

My husband & I were going out.  He was waiting in the car & I had just come out my front door.  A woman was walking along the sidewalk in front of my home.  She said “Cyndi?”  My guard immediately went up, because no one other than the couple of family members I speak with & anyone who knew my parents call me that instead of Cynthia.  Anyway, I said yes… can I help you?  She told me her name & I knew who she was.  Her daughter & I went to school together.  She seemed ok at first, even said I looked good, but my guard was still up anyway because you just never know.  She then asked how my mother was & I was shocked.  I told her she passed over 4 years ago in April, 2019.  She then mentioned Dad dying too & I said yes, he died in 2017.  She said Mom told her I wasn’t speaking to them, which I felt was very inappropriate.  I just said that was true.  She said Mom also told her I went to the hospital when Dad was dying when no one was around.  I was surprised & said no.  She said a cemetery employee told my mother that.  Very strange & it surprised me, which is why I said what I did.  Being so surprised, my guard slipped a bit.

She went on to say that she did things for Mom all the time.  Suddenly her story changed to helping her out a couple times.  This conversation was making me more & more uncomfortable.

Then this person said her husband died a couple months ago.  I said I was sorry to hear that.  If she would like to chat or needs anything, I kept my parents’ phone number, so just call.  My gut feeling was that she wouldn’t call, so I felt very safe saying that.  She said, “Oh thanks but I don’t have the number.  Besides, I have great kids.”  I waited a moment, sincerely hoping she’d realize how hateful this comment was & apologize.  No surprise, she didn’t.  I simply said, “Well ain’t that nice.”  For those of you who don’t know, that is a Southern woman’s nice way of saying either, “I don’t give a ****” or “Go **** yourself.”  Both fit my mood at that moment.  She didn’t reply.

She went on to ask me what I was doing with the house & I said I don’t know yet.  NOT her business, so even if I had known, I wouldn’t have told her.  She said Mom would be proud of me living there so I just said thanks in the hopes of shutting her down.  Then we parted ways.

Since this interaction, I’ve been angry.  I’m not really mad at her specifically anymore.  At least I know now to stay away from her, which is good to know.  I’m absolutely furious how people can be.  If you go no contact with a parent, people almost always assume you’re a spoiled brat or a selfish horrible person who hates your parents.  You’re treated like a pariah who deserves everything bad in life.  Yet, if you maintain the toxic relationship, that is applauded.  It’s absolutely backwards!  Severing ties with any abuser, even parents, should be celebrated & supported, not shamed, but that’s not how things are.  This has infuriated me for years, but then learning that even years after narcissists died that their flying monkeys still have no problem being their awful, heartless selves just made me even angrier.

I hope sharing this story will help you somehow.  Apparently there isn’t an end to flying monkeys doing their thing, so it may help you to remember that.  Also, no matter how well you handle the situation, they most likely still are going to upset you at some point, because that is just what they do.  If you are considering no contact with your narcissistic parent, keep in mind this sort of thing will happen to you too.  I don’t mean to make you reconsider no contact by telling you that.  It’s just a simple warning so (hopefully) you’ll be prepared for it when it happens.  Lastly, remember… no matter how wrong or delusional flying monkeys are, it’s their right to think as they do.  There’s also no point in trying to open their eyes to the truth when they are so convinced they’re right.  Rather than try, responding with “well ain’t that nice” can be quite helpful.  Saying that sounds polite, but you know what it really means & that can be so satisfying when said to awful people like this!

Mother’s Day, 2023

I thought I should share a post for Mother’s Day since it can be such a horrid day for children of narcissistic parents.

Those who are of the “But that’s your MOTHER!!!” mentality, please leave quietly now.  This post is for those who are suffering through this day due to having a narcissistic mother. 

Now that that’s out of the way….

For those of you with narcissistic mothers, I know this is probably the worst day of the year for you. The message of loving mothers is everywhere.  “Your mother would do anything for you.”  “She loves you more than life itself!”  “Don’t forget to worship your mother today!”  When your narcissistic mother has tried to kill you, either physically or mentally, there are zero warm feelings associated with Mother’s Day.

Some people are sympathetic to our situation, even if they can’t understand it.  God bless these people!  Then there are those who say shaming things like, “But that’s your MOTHER!”  Often these people are narcissists themselves, flying monkeys who help narcissists abuse their victims.  Others are people who have suffered abuse & refuse to acknowledge their pain.  Their goal is to shut down anyone who faces their pain.  Witnessing someone face their pain also reminds them of their own & makes them feel cowardly for not facing theirs.  Rather than make healthy choices, they opt to shut down healthy people instead.

Understanding things like this can help to take some of the pain out of heartless comments, because it proves that the comments aren’t personal. They’re about the dysfunction of the person saying these things.  However, it’s still going to sting a bit, even knowing that.

Being raised by a narcissistic mother is painful.  There are ways to cope, however.

I firmly believe it’s necessary to grieve.  Grieve for the fact you didn’t have a good childhood.  Grieve because your mother never has been or will be a loving mom.  Grieve what you missed out on by your mother not being a loving mom.  Grieving such things helps you to accept your situation & heal.

On Mother’s Day, if you have children, spend time with them when possible.  Enjoy your family & celebrate this gift God has given you.

Don’t forget to acknowledge those wonderful women who were like mothers to you.  I had a friend who was like an adopted mom.  She was about 20 years older than me, & a wonderful lady.  Kris was nurturing, kind, loving, a natural mom & a devoted Christian.  Unfortunately it wasn’t until after she died that I realized I should have celebrated her on Mother’s Day.  Don’t make the same mistake I did!  If you have a wonderful mom figure in your life, wish her a happy Mother’s Day.  Give her flowers or a card.  Take her to lunch.  Do something together to show her how much you appreciate her.

If you absolutely must deal with your narcissistic mother on Mother’s Day, before you see her, pray.  Ask God to show you what you should do.  He will help you to know the best ways to cope!

Don’t forget, you also have the right to set limits on your time spent with your mother.  Don’t spend the entire day with her if you don’t want to.  Set aside an hour or two for her & no more.  If you know you’ll have trouble leaving when you want to, arrange something to do so you have to leave her at a certain time.

Take care of yourself on Mother’s Day & every day, Dear Reader.  You deserve to be loved & cared for, especially by yourself.  xoxo

Emotions & Victims Of Narcissistic Parents

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I know firsthand the toll it can take on one’s emotional well-being.  Growing up, I was constantly told that my emotions were wrong & shamed for my feelings, especially when they were different than my mother’s.  As a result, I naturally learned to keep my feelings hidden & appear calm, cool & collected at all times.  While this was a useful survival skill back then, it’s a habit that is hard to break as an adult.  Today I hope to help victims of narcissistic parents learn how narcissistic abuse affects victims’ emotional lives & why it’s important to acknowledge & validate their feelings.

Narcissistic abuse is a form of psychological trauma that can leave lasting scars on survivors.  Its pattern of manipulation, gaslighting, & control leaves victims feeling powerless & confused.  For children of narcissistic parents, this usually means growing up in a constant state of anxiety & fear.  They never know when their parent will lash out or criticize them, so they learn to be hyper-vigilant, in other words always on guard.  This chronic stress can lead to a range of emotional & physical symptoms, including depression, anxiety, & C-PTSD.

One of the ways that narcissistic abuse affects victims’ emotions is by making them hypersensitive to criticism & rejection.  They learned early on that their parent’s love & approval were conditional on their behavior & achievements.  As a result, they may feel like they’re never good enough & constantly seek validation from others.  At the same time, they fear rejection & avoid conflict at all costs.  This makes it hard for them to form healthy relationships & speak up for themselves.

Another way that narcissistic abuse affects victims’ emotions is by making them feel guilty for their own feelings.  Children of narcissistic parents are often told that their emotions are wrong or that they’re being “too sensitive.”  This usually leads to a pattern of self-doubt & self-criticism, where they blame themselves for their parent’s behavior & try to change themselves to avoid further abuse.  They also struggle with expressing their emotions in a healthy way, as they’ve learned early in life that vulnerability is dangerous.

For all victims of narcissistic abuse, one of the most important steps in healing is learning to validate their own emotions.  This means acknowledging that their feelings are real & valid, even if they don’t always make sense or seem logical at the moment.  It also means learning to express their emotions in a healthy way & developing healthy boundaries with people who don’t respect them.

To accomplish this, I’ve learned prayer to be invaluable.  God has provided me with wisdom & strength to do as I need.  One helpful thing He showed me was to look at my emotions from purely logical perspective.  I ask myself questions like is this emotion reasonable in this situation?  If I struggle to figure that out, I ask myself if a close friend came to me feeling as I do after experiencing what I have, would I think that friend is overreacting or reasonable?  Sometimes looking at situations as if they were happening to someone else can give you a much clearer perspective.  And, if you still are struggling, try writing down the situation & your emotions.  Writing is a phenomenal tool for helping to bring clarity so use it freely!  I keep a journal & have found it tremendously helpful in many ways, including learning to validate myself & my emotions.

Practice expressing your emotions with safe, honest, non judgmental people, too.  As hard as it can be at first, tell safe people how you feel & ask them for feedback.  This can help you to get better at expressing your emotions.

Learning to recognize & express your emotions is tough, but worth it.  You may never get completely comfortable with it, but at the very least, you can heal to the point of being able to recognize & express your emotions in healthy ways.  Although those are useful survival skills around narcissists, stifling them long term is so unhealthy & miserable, & you don’t deserve to live that way!

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When Trauma Affects You Long After The Events Are Over

One very important thing I’ve learned about experiencing repeated traumas is something that’s never discussed.  It’s about how when you go through trauma after trauma, you don’t have the time to heal, so eventually it resurfaces, & often many years after the fact.  This is absolutely NORMAL!  Yet, many people tell those experiencing this that something is wrong with them, they’re living in the past or they need to get over it because that was such a long time ago.

If you’re going through this, this information is for you.

When you’re in a situation where you experience repeated traumas, your mind has no choice but to kick in to survival mode.  Survival mode is when you are faced with not knowing what will set an abuser off, so you become hyper-vigilant.  This means you become extremely aware of your surroundings & the emotional state of those around you in an attempt to prevent any abuse before it starts.  This takes over your awareness of your own needs, wants & feelings.  Survival mode is a very helpful way of thinking that helps you to survive traumatic situations.

Once the relationship with your abuser ends, that doesn’t mean survival mode is over & you automatically return to normal.  Survival mode usually continues for quite some time after the abuse is over.  It can last a few weeks, months or even years.  Eventually though, it does stop or at the very least, lets up a great deal.  As great as that is, it doesn’t mean you are ok.

After survival mode ends, it’s as if your brain decides that now is the time to deal with the trauma & it forces you to do this.  This is often when you start having nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts & memories. 

This time can be incredibly painful.  It can make you feel like you’re crazy.  After all, the abuse is done, you survived, so why now after all this time are you having these nightmares, flashbacks, etc.?  There are three reasons for this.

Reason #1: when you were in the abusive situation, there wasn’t time to process your trauma & survive.  Trauma happened over & over.  You didn’t have sufficient time to process one trauma when another happened, then another & another. 

Reason #2: surviving the situation is top priority during abusive relationships.  All of your focus had to be on surviving, not how you felt about that.

Reason #3: emotions demand to be felt.  If they can’t be felt at the time, they don’t simply vanish.  They wait until a time that the environment feels safe to manifest.  If you don’t deal with them in a healthy way, they’ll still manifest somehow.

If it’s been a while since the last trauma, yet suddenly you’re faced with a flood of emotions & pain related to it, I want to assure you that you’re not crazy.  You are in fact quite normal!  Your response is normal to a very abnormal situation.  I firmly believe that people who don’t react this way to situations like this are the ones with the problems.  How can a person not be affected by trauma?!  That is what is abnormal!  Being damaged by trauma is very normal.

Rather than ignoring the emotions, nightmares, etc. you’re experiencing, it’s time to deal with them.  Ignoring them only makes things worse.  It’s much like having a stomach bug.  As yukky as vomiting is, if you can, it helps you to get better.  If you don’t, the bug has to go through your system & drags out how long it takes you to get better.  Dealing with what you’re experiencing is yukky too but it really will help you heal.  So pray, journal, talk to someone safe… do whatever helps you to process your pain.  You will survive this & you will be ok!

Being Too Close To Your Family Is Unhealthy

Genesis 2:23-24 in the Amplified Bible says, “Then Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, & flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ ²⁴ For this reason, a man shall leave his father & his mother, & shall be joined to his wife; & they shall become one flesh.” These verses show how important it is to grow past the close ties with our family of origin in order to grow up.  Leaving the family’s nest is a vital step in becoming the person God has called us to be.  Today, we will discuss why staying too involved with family can be unhealthy & how to find freedom in God’s will.

It is perfectly normal to love & care for our families.  However, when we are too involved or dependent on them, especially as adults, it can hinder personal & spiritual growth.  Staying too involved with family can lead to unhealthy emotional attachments, unhealthy & unrealistic expectations, stress & strain on all of our relationships.

Additionally, staying too involved with family can prevent us from living our own lives & fulfilling our God-given purpose.  When we prioritize our family’s desires & opinions over what God is calling us to do, we may end up living an unfulfilling life that is not in alignment with our calling.

Finally, being overly involved with our family also hiders our ability to form deep & lasting relationships with other people.  When we are overly focused on our family’s needs, we don’t give ourselves the time or space to develop meaningful relationships systems outside of our family.

When we become more independent from our family, we are able to cultivate a deeper relationship with God, letting Him guide our steps & mold us into the person He created us to be.  We also are able to grow & develop as individuals.  We can explore new interests, engage in personal hobbies, & pursue our passions without feeling tied down by familial expectations.  And, when we establish healthy boundaries with our family, our relationships can improve as family members aren’t so deeply involved in our lives.

We must communicate & enforce our boundaries with family members.  This isn’t always easy, especially if the family members are narcissists, but it’s necessary.  Establishing healthy boundaries is vital.  If your family members are narcissistic, don’t show them any emotion because if you do, they will use that to manipulate you.  Remain calm & firm.  Remind yourself that you have every right to healthy boundaries, & they aren’t harming your relatives, no matter what they might say.  Healthy boundaries are always a very good thing!

Seek support & encouragement from others outside of our family unit.  Connecting with like-minded people can help provide affirmation, guidance, & encouragement to continue pursuing God’s will.  They also can pray for & with you, & they will help to keep you grounded.  All of which will help you to avoid falling back into old, dysfunctional habits. 

Remember, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be an independent adult.  It doesn’t mean you want nothing to do with your family or even hate them.  It simply means you’re a normal person with a normal desire that every single person has. 

Taking Your Power Back From Narcissists

No matter how careful you may be, it’s likely you’ve come across at least one narcissist in your life.  They will do anything they can to make sure they always have control of their victims.

The most helpful thing I have found to do in these situations is to pray.  Asking God to help me remain calm, think logically rather than emotionally & have creative & effective ways of dealing with their manipulation has been incredibly helpful.

Simple acts such as providing too much personal information, strong emotional reactions, & tolerating control & manipulation can all contribute to narcissists having the power.  To take your power back, you need to do the opposite of those things.  Don’t share personal information.  When the narcissist provokes you, remain calm even when you have every right to be angry or hurt.  Instead of giving the narcissist their way when they try to control you, act as if you don’t notice what they are trying to do.

It is also so important to practice self-care.  Take the time to keep yourself grounded & pay attention to your feelings & thoughts.  Allow yourself to be honest & real with yourself, & reject any guilt that may influence you to stay with a narcissist or tolerate their abuse just because they make you feel you should do such things.  Listen to yourself & understand that your feelings are valid & important.  You never deserve to feel guilty or ashamed of being upset over how they treat you.

It is also important to recognize your own strength & power.  Remind yourself that with God’s help, you are capable of getting through anything, & you have every right to take control of your life!  Make sure that you are fully aware of how you are feeling & staying true to yourself.

One important step in taking back your power from narcissists is to recognize their behavior & know when it is happening.  It’s vitally important to be aware of those times when their behavior turns manipulative, controlling, or abusive & be willing to take steps to protect yourself.

Another step in taking back your power from narcissists is to be willing to set boundaries.  It can often be difficult & ineffective to stand up to a narcissist & tell them no, as you do with those who aren’t narcissists.  Narcissists are notorious for barreling over healthy boundaries &/or portraying themselves as innocent victims when someone tries setting boundaries on their abusive behavior.  This often makes victims give up their boundaries rather than deal with the narcissist’s abusive protests.  But it’s important to remember that you have the right to have boundaries, to be respected & treated fairly.  If a narcissist continues to disrespect you, it is important to protect yourself however you need to do.  Changing the topic of conversation, hanging up the phone or leaving can be subtle ways to do this.  If all else fails, find a way to turn the conversation back to the narcissist somehow.  They almost never pass up an opportunity to tall about themselves.

Being aware of your own reactions to them also helps to take your power away from narcissists.  Narcissists view strong emotional reactions in their victims as a sign of weakness, & use these reactions to control & manipulate.  It’s best to stay in tune with your emotions to make sure you are not giving them power when you respond to their behavior.

Lastly, a great way to help yourself in these situations is to practice mindful reflection.  This can be done through activities such as praying & journaling to help you become aware of how their words &/or actions are affecting you.  Self-care is important anyway but it can also be helpful in recognizing the narcissist’s manipulation & how you can best manage your responses to their behavior.

Taking back your power from narcissists is ultimately about recognizing their tactics & having the willingness to protect yourself.  It’s not easy but it can be done.  The more you do it, the better you will become at it.

Intimacy & Narcissists

When many people hear the word intimacy, sex is the first thing that comes to mind.  That is naturally one aspect of it, but there are others as well.  You share intimacy with God when you pour your heart out to God in prayer.  You share intimacy with your best friend when you tell him or her a secret that you’re too embarrassed to tell anyone else.  You share intimacy with your spouse when you both discuss your dreams & try to plan ways to make those dreams come true.

Intimacy with someone who is safe & loving is a wonderful gift! 

Unfortunately narcissists know this, & will do their best to mimic intimacy with their victims.  They do this as a way to win over new victims.  When someone feels a close connection with someone they just met, it lures them in quickly.   Naturally this gives the narcissist a prominent place in their life & even control over them.

I wonder if narcissists also mimic intimacy as a way to fill the emptiness inside them.  Maybe faking it makes them feel normal on some level, & so many narcissists do have an unspoken desire to feel normal.

In spite of that, narcissists don’t want true intimacy.  True intimacy requires thinking of someone other than yourself.  That’s not exactly a skill narcissists have or want to have since they believe attention must be focused on them at all times.

True intimacy also means someone can see the real you, not the version of you that just anyone can see.  That is a nightmare scenario for any narcissist.  Narcissists don’t want anyone other than their victims seeing behind their mask & will do anything to prevent that from happening.

To know if someone trying to be close to you is a narcissist, there are some signs you can recognize.

A person who truly wants an intimate relationship with you will keep your secrets.  You know beyond a shadow of a doubt whatever private things you share with them will remain between you both.  Narcissists may say they won’t share what you tell them, but chances are excellent they will tell someone.

Along those lines, they also won’t threaten to tell others your secrets or use them to embarrass you.  Narcissists absolutely will not hesitate to behave in this cruel way.

They also won’t use what they said against you.  For example, they won’t use your fears that no one else knows about to manipulate or control you.  They also won’t share the embarrassing secrets you have shared with other people to make you look bad.  Narcissists will be more than happy to use any very private & personal information against you either to manipulate, control or embarrass you.

This type of person also won’t judge what you share, no matter how unusual or even strange what you say may be.  A safe person may comment that something is rather odd but they won’t think less of you for it.  Narcissists absolutely can & do judge every single person.  You aren’t the exception.  They will treat you this same way.

True intimacy is a wonderful thing.  God created us to want it.  Sadly, narcissists know people crave it, & that means to them, it is nothing but another tool to add in their arsenal of abuse weapons.  If you recognize the signs of a narcissist faking intimacy, protect yourself.  Share nothing even remotely personal about yourself with them.

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Encouragement For Those Who Talk Openly About Narcissism

Some people are known as Dark Empaths.  They are often described as someone who uses their ability to recognize what others are going through & use it for their benefit.  They have only one of the three types of empathy, what is known as cognitive empathy.  According to researchers Paul Ekman & Daniel Goldman, this means someone can identify with what someone is experiencing & feeling, yet their own emotions aren’t affected.  There is no desire to help or support someone struggling.

Dark Empaths also can be prone to gossiping, bullying, manipulating or intimidating others & being vindictive.  They also can be prolific with gaslighting, love bombing & portraying themselves as the victim.  If you’re thinking their behavior sounds narcissistic, you would be absolutely correct.  The difference between them & narcissists is that they have some empathy, as damaged as it may be, unlike narcissists who have none.

I learned some time back about a variation on the Dark Empath that is quite different than this standard definition.  In fact, it’s very empowering to people like me!

This alternative definition says that Dark Empaths are champions for humanity.  They want to protect & educate people.  Often, they are victims of narcissistic abuse, & learned from their experiences.  They can spot a narcissist & recognize their manipulations easily.  They also can outwit narcissists easily.  Narcissists hate these Dark Empaths because they see behind the mask, recognize exactly what they are, won’t hesitate to call them out on their behavior & warn others about them.

While I’m less than thrilled with the original, recognized definition of a Dark Empath, I do identify well with this alternative definition.  I just wish it was the original definition, because it fits what I thought when I first read the term Dark Empath so much better than the original definition.  When I first began reading about empaths, everything seemed to portray them as almost mystical, sometimes with psychic powers & cheering up people who were sad.  It seemed to me empaths were all “unicorns & rainbows”. I found something silly for quite some time, so I stopped reading about them.  Over time, I learned I have a great deal of empathy, but I’m far from the unicorns & rainbows type.  I’m too realistic for that.  If something is bad, I will admit that just as quickly as I’ll admit something is good.  So for me, I thought of myself as a Dark Empath.  Later reading what psychologists refer to as a Dark Empath was rather shocking.  Finding the alternative definition felt so much more accurate.  And, realizing what I was reading described me well was pretty empowering!

Today I thought sharing this with you might be as beneficial for you as it was for me.  So many people I’ve spoken to who follow my work also fit this alternative description of a Dark Empath.  If it describes you, then I hope you find this as empowering as I have.  Don’t let society’s desire for only light, happy things dissuade you from what you feel you must do.  It’s ok & even necessary to talk about more serious, deep things like narcissism.  Narcissists are out there & hurting people every single day.  Everyone needs to be aware of what they’re capable of & how to protect themselves from these monsters. 

Not everyone is capable of speaking openly about narcissism & narcissistic abuse because of the backlash, but if you feel called to do this, you have the ability to handle that backlash with dignity.  I can promise you that.  I’ve been attacked more times than I can count from people I know & strangers alike for discussing it so openly & you know something?  It no longer upsets me, because I know people like this only want to shut people like me down because of their own selfish desires, & usually are narcissists themselves.  Dark Empaths are realistic & understand people enough to know this, which means the insults of such people don’t affect them or deter them from their path.

If you too are a Dark Empath in the alternative definition of the phrase, be encouraged!  What you’re doing is helping people, even changing their lives.  Keep on your path!  God has given you a very unique calling & equipped you to handle it!

What Biblical Submission In Marriage Really Is

Ephesians 5:22-24 instructs wives to submit to their husbands.  Frequently these verses are taken out of context, & even worse, used to manipulate women into tolerating abuse from their husband.  This is not the intended message of the Scriptures!

Ephesians 5:22 in the Amplified Bible states, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as [a service] to the Lord”.  The original Greek word used for “subject” is “hupotasso”, which means to willingly place oneself under another’s authority.  This is not forced submission, but a voluntary act of respect & love.

Verse 23 goes on to say, “For the husband is head of the wife, as Christ is head of the church, Himself being the Savior of the body”   “Head” refers to a position of responsibility & leadership, not dominance or superiority.  Just as Christ is the head of the church & serves it, the husband is called to be the head of the household & serve it.  This means that he is to love, protect, guide, & care for the needs of his wife & family

Verse 24 then goes on to say, “But as the church to Christ, so also wives should be subject to their husbands in everything [respecting both their position as protector & their responsibility to God as head of the house]”   This comparison is significant because it emphasizes the importance of submission in Christian faith.  Just as the church submits to God out of love & reverence, wives are called to submit to their husbands out of love & respect.   However, this submission is not blind or unconditional.  Just as the church has the right to question God, wives have the right to question & challenge their husbands’ decisions if they believe they are unjust or harmful.

Many who stress the importance of wives being submissive stop at this point, but the Bible doesn’t.  Verse 25 addresses husbands.  It says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church & gave Himself up for her,”  This means husbands should prioritize their wives’ needs & well-being.  This love is not based or control, but on service & humility.

Verses 26-27 go on to say, “so that He might sanctify the church, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word [of God], ²⁷ so that [in turn] He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy [set apart for God] and blameless.”  This shows His love is not just a feeling, but a transformative force that changes & purifies.  In the same way, husbands’ love for their wives should be transformative & purifying, helping them to grow & flourish.

Ephesians 5:30 then draws another parallel between the husband-wife relationship & the relationship between Christ & the church.  It says, “because we are members (parts) of His body.”  This emphasizes the intimate & inseparable nature of the relationship between Christ & the church.  In the same way, the husband & wife are called to be intimately connected & inseparable, as one flesh.

Interestingly, Ephesians 5:21 is also frequently neglected when people discuss the submission of wives.  It states, “being subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  This statement reminds us that submission is not a one-sided obligation but a mutual relationship where both parties serve each other & God.  Husbands are called to submit to their wives by loving them sacrificially, & wives are called to their husbands by respecting & supporting them. 

Lastly, Ephesians 5:11 reminds us that we shouldn’t have any part in evil deeds.  No wife should submit to an ungodly or abusive husband.

By exploring Scripture, we can see that submission is not a one-sided obligation but a mutual relationship where both parties serve each other & God.  Submission does not mean blind obedience or tolerating ungodly behavior.  Our ultimate obligation is to God, & we are called to seek Him first.

Narcissists Hate When Victims Stand Up For Themselves To Anyone

Everyone with even minimal knowledge of narcissists knows that they can’t handle when their victims stand up for themselves to them.  No matter how accurate what they say is, no matter how gently it may be said, they still can’t handle it.  They take it as a personal attack & will rage in some fashion at the person who dared to have the audacity to speak to them in such a way.

Did you know that narcissists also can’t tolerate when their victims defend themselves to other people?  It’s true. 

When I was growing up, if I told my mother about a problem with a friend, she always told me things like, “To have a friend, you have to be one.”  In other words, no matter what was done to me, she wanted me to tolerate it rather than speak up for myself.  And, it wasn’t just her.  Other narcissists in my life have been the same way.  I wondered why this was at the times these situations happened, but only recently have I thought about it enough to figure out why they were that way.

Narcissists don’t want victims standing up for themselves to anyone in any capacity because to do so would mean they recognize abuse.  If they recognize abuse, then they obviously would realize that the narcissist, too, is abusive, & they would stop tolerating that abuse.  Clearly, this would be bad for any narcissist, so they instead enable others to abuse their victims & encourage the victims to tolerate it.  In order to keep victims tolerating abuse, when their victims say someone is mistreating them, narcissists do their best to dissuade their victims from standing up for themselves.

Narcissists in this situation tell their victims that they are being over sensitive, over reacting, being defensive, reading too much into the other person’s behavior, & more.  The goal is to shame their victim into silence by making them feel ashamed of themselves for being upset about being wronged or even abused by the other person.  If they can accomplish this, then they can keep the victim compliant & tolerating their abusive behavior.

Another tactic they may use is to call you weak or cowardly if you don’t defend yourself.  They say things like, “If I was in that situation, I sure would do things differently!”  While this may sound counter intuitive to their goal of keeping victims tolerating abuse, it’s actually not.  This behavior also causes shame in victims, which makes them even less likely to defend themselves.

Or, if the victim mentions standing up to someone to the narcissist, the narcissist often will criticize how the victim did it.  The words were all wrong, the timing was inappropriate, the victim’s tone or body language were all wrong, etc. according to narcissists.

In any situation, whether you defend yourself or not, you WILL be wrong, according to the narcissist.  The best way to handle this is simply not to mention defending yourself to narcissists.  Handle your situations however you know is best without telling the narcissist anything about them.  And never, ever ask a narcissist for advice about anything, let alone how to handle a relationship problem!

Supporting Someone Who Has Lost An Abusive Parent

Losing a parent is a truly unique & painful experience, in particular when that parent is abusive.  My husband & I lost all four of our parents in a short time – one parent a year from 2016 to 2019.  It was a very painful & confusing time for us both. 

I realized at that time, people have no real idea on how to help those whose abusive parent has died.  Thank God, I have some wonderful people who are very close to me that did know, but they were in the minority.  It seemed to me that the majority of people assumed because I was no contact at the time my parents passed away, that their deaths didn’t affect me in the slightest.  They couldn’t have been more wrong!  And sadly, I didn’t know what I needed at the time, let alone how to express those needs.  Today I want to express some common needs so that anyone who reads this can share this with their loved ones to get the help they need.  Clearly grief doesn’t have a “one size fits all” solution, but I am sharing some basic needs that I believe should be able to help most people.

To support someone who has lost an abusive parent, let that person know you are in this for the long haul.  Grief is a very messy journey full of ups & downs, lots of tears, anger & even joy.  To someone who hasn’t seen their loved one experience such emotions, it can be pretty intimidating, but if you can get past that & let your loved one know you are going to be there for them no matter what, that person is going to treasure you.

Don’t judge.  When my father died, I barely shed a tear.  When my mother died almost exactly 18 months later, I was utterly devastated.  There was also a painful feeling of relief that the abuse was finally over when they died.  When each of my parents died, I did NOT need judgment about my feelings.  I needed love, support & comforting words letting me know that my feelings were valid, even though they were vastly different with each parent.  Thank God, I have all of that in my wonderful best friend.  Everyone needs someone like this to help them survive losing their abusive parent.

Don’t try to rush grief.  Grief is unpredictable & has no time table.  Rather than trying to rush someone through their grief, encourage them to take their time & mourn however they need to.  Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to mourn, & this is so true.  While sometimes a distraction from their loss might be helpful, crying & getting their feelings out is even more helpful.

If you don’t know what to say, admit it.  Sometimes in these situations, the most helpful thing a person can hear is “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here to help if I can.”  Honesty like that goes a very long way.  And, it is so much better than saying something that while well meaning, comes across hurtful.

Check in often.  Some people tend to withdraw when going through trials.  I’m one of those people.  But, that doesn’t mean people like me don’t want to know other people care!  A quick text to say, “How are you today?” or “Thinking of you” can mean the world to someone who is grieving.  Extroverted people need these check ins so they know others care for them, too, & it may open the door for them to talk things over with you, which could help them tremendously.

Encourage them to do whatever they like that helps to process their loss.  Sometimes this may be getting angry about the terrible things their parent did to them.  Other times it may be as lovely as planting a garden in their parent’s honor.  Let your loved one do what they want to without fear of you judging or criticizing them.

Let them know it’s ok to talk negatively about their abusive parent even though he or she has died.  There is some unwritten rule out there that people aren’t supposed to speak badly of the dead.  As if dying negates all bad things they’ve done & rockets them into sainthood.  For children of abusive parents, this can be painful because they know their parent was no saint.  They have the emotional & sometimes physical scars to prove it.  If your loved one says something derogatory about their parent, let them know it’s ok to say these things.  The truth doesn’t change just because someone has died.  And, also let them know it’s perfectly OK to discuss whatever good things they want to about their abusive parents, too.  Chances are there was something good about them, & it’s good to discuss those along with the bad things.

Offer to pray for & with your loved one.  Sometimes the most comforting thing a person can do in your most painful times is pray for you.  Ask God to carrying your loved one & strengthen them during this extremely painful time along with anything else you can think of this person needs.

Treating someone in these ways definitely can help them get through the intensely painful process of losing an abusive parent while strengthening your relationship at the same time.

About “The Good Kids”

When I was growing up, I never really dreaded parent teacher conferences.  I knew my teachers always would tell my mother the same things.  I was smart, I learned quickly, I did my work without complaint, I never caused any trouble, but I was too shy.  I needed to participate more.  Other than that, I was a “good kid.”

My mother’s friends’ kids got into trouble sometimes, but I never did.  They thought I was a “good kid” like my teachers did.

As a painfully shy kid, this worked for me.  I didn’t have any desire to stand out.  I wanted to blend into the background quietly & even more importantly, never upset my parents.  Being a “good kid” seemed to be a very good thing for not only me, but my parents, teachers & every adult in my life.

As an adult however, I realized something.  Being a “good kid” meant that I did whatever I was told to do, communicated no needs or feelings & basically didn’t bother anyone with my existence.  Suddenly, being a “good kid” didn’t seem so good anymore.

Being this way was a sign that things in my life weren’t so good.  I wasn’t well behaved out of respect for others or because I was taught good things.  I was well behaved for much more dysfunctional reasons. 

I was afraid of facing disappointment &/or rage of adults, in particular my parents, so not getting into trouble was one way to do that.  I also hated feeling like a burden, which is how I felt when I expressed needs to my parents. This taught me early in life not to talk about my needs or feelings as much as humanly possible. 

I also was an extremely anxious child.  This anxiety led to me being terrified of things that don’t upset most normal children.  Talking in front of my class was one of those things.  That is why I wouldn’t volunteer to answer questions, read aloud or other things.  I was terrified of being wrong & looking foolish.  Being raised by narcissistic parents, I naturally thought other people’s opinions of me were incredibly important.  Looking foolish wasn’t an option!

And, as a child of narcissistic parents, I also learned the survival skill of becoming whoever I was told to be.  My parents had no mental capability to deal with a child who got into trouble.  If I had gotten into trouble, they wouldn’t have known what to do with me.  They were unpredictable so it was much better to stay out of trouble as much as possible. 

My behavior was very typical of children raised by narcissistic parents. 

The reason I’m sharing this with you is that I want you to know two things. 

First, if this behavior describes you as a child, you aren’t alone.  So many of us were “good kids.”  It was wrong to be forced to be that way.  Not that I’m saying we should have been troublemakers of course, but we shouldn’t have been terrified into being well behaved either.  It’s not right & you have every right to be angry about that!

Second, if you know any “good kids,” please check on them.  They may be so good because they too are terrified of being anything else.  They may be abused at home.  Check on those “good kids.”  Let them know that they can talk to you anytime, & that you are on their side.

Some Signs Of A Person With Evil Intentions

Everyone is a sinner according to Romans 3:23.  In the Amplified Translation it says, “For all have sinned & continually fall short of the glory of God.” This being said though, not everyone has evil intentions.  The Bible speaks of those who find joy in doing evil & delight in the perversity of evil in Proverbs 2:14.  It is important to be aware of the signs of someone with evil intentions in order to protect yourself from potential harm.

If you know even a small amount about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, chances are you will recognize some common narcissistic behaviors in this list.

Also, this list is far from all inclusive.  It only includes a few of the most common signs.

One of the most common signs of someone with evil intentions is their false flattery.  They may say kind words & promise you good things, but don’t be fooled.  Jeremiah 12:6 warns, “For even your [tribal] brothers & the household of your father, Even they have dealt treacherously (unfaithfully) with you; Indeed they are [like a pack of hounds] howling after you. Do not believe them, although they may say kind words & promise you good things.”

A person with evil intentions will use their false flattery to manipulate & control you to further their own selfish motives.  They may make you feel special & unique, but don’t be fooled.  It is only to benefit their selfish ambitions rather than be good to you.  Romans 2:8 says, “But for those who are selfishly ambitious & self-seeking & disobedient to the truth but responsive to wickedness, [there will be] wrath & indignation.”  Always be wary of people who are always flattering you & never call you out when you do or say something wrong.

Another sign of someone with evil intentions is their need to manipulate & control people.  They may try to dictate what you do & how you do it, or constantly try to change your opinions & beliefs.  They may also try to control your emotions, making you feel guilty or ashamed for expressing how you truly feel.  They may even try to isolate you from your family & friends, so they can have complete control over you.

Another common sign of someone with evil intentions is their lack of empathy.  They may not be able to understand or relate to how you feel, or may even seem to take pleasure in your suffering.  Anyone who can see you clearly very upset over something they have done, yet show no reaction or desire to change is toxic.  People like this also may be unwilling to admit their wrongdoings, or even may try to blame you for their mistakes.

A person with evil intentions may also be very quick to anger, even over small things, & can resort to verbal or physical abuse when they don’t get their way.  They may also try to manipulate you into doing something that you don’t want to do, or may even threaten you if you don’t do what they say.

No one is perfect, & we all make mistakes.  That is a given.  However, it is important to be aware of the signs of someone with evil intentions in order to protect yourself from potential harm.  False flattery, extreme selfishness, manipulation & control, lack of empathy & exceptionally quick to anger are all common signs of someone with evil intentions, so be sure to stay aware of the behavior of the people around you.  If you ever feel like something isn’t right, don’t be afraid to speak up & seek help.

Remember, it is never too late to make a change.  God is always with you, even in the darkest of times.  With Him, nothing is impossible!

Feeling Little Or No Sympathy For Someone Who Has Abused You Or Someone You Love Is Normal

It’s normal for people to feel empathy towards someone who is suffering.  However, when someone who has hurt or abused you or someone you love, it’s just as normal to feel little or no sympathy towards them.  It can be very challenging to navigate these feelings, but it’s essential to understand that it’s a natural response.  Today, we will discuss this topic & provide tips for how to cope.

Feeling little or no sympathy towards someone who has hurt or abused you or someone you love is a natural defense mechanism that helps protect you from further emotional harm.  When you experience abuse, your brain recognizes the perpetrator as a threat, & it triggers the natural response to protect yourself.  This response can cause you to distance yourself from the abuser physically &/or emotionally, & feel little or no empathy towards them when they are struggling or suffering.

Coping with the emotions of feeling little or no sympathy towards someone who has hurt or abused you can be challenging.  It feels so foreign for the average person, because people naturally have some degree of empathy for their fellow human beings.  It’s so important & helpful to acknowledge your feelings or lack thereof & not judge yourself for having them.  Instead, remind yourself that you are ok!  Yes, your response is abnormal in most situations, but in your abnormal circumstances, it is very normal.

As a Christian, praying for your abuser can be a powerful tool for healing, but it must be approached in a healthy way.  Praying for the abuser also does not condone their behavior or mean that you have to have the goal of reconciling with them.  Instead, it helps you to release any anger or bitterness you may be holding towards them while obeying God’s command to pray for our enemies.  It’s hard to do this sometimes, I know, but it does get easier the more often you do it.  God knows this & understands.  I learned in these situations that I might as well be totally honest about it.  I have prayed for people & told God, “I don’t want to do this.  I don’t care right now about what happens to them.  But, I know You want me to pray for them, so I’m doing it.”  I figured that God knew what I was feeling, so why not just be honest about it?  Pretending I didn’t feel that way wouldn’t fool Him.  And you know what?  Not once did He judge or even criticize me.  He appreciates the effort we make to please Him, & I think even more when we do things that are very hard for us.  Also, after praying this way a few times, it got easier & my prayers finally became more sincere. 

There also have been times I simply couldn’t pray for these people, no matter how much I wanted to.  I learned in those times to ask those close to me to pray for them & for me to be able to pray for them.  In time, I was able to pray for them as well.

When someone is suffering, even when you feel nothing for them at first, sometimes it can be tempting to try to reconcile the relationship.  It’s so to remember that narcissists don’t change just because they’re suffering.  They may behave better temporarily, even after the suffering is over, but that change is almost never permanent.  Exercise wisdom & ask God for wisdom & discernment in your situation.  Only reconcile the relationship if you know beyond any shadow of a doubt that it is God’s will.  Never feel badly about distancing yourself from your abuser & protecting yourself from further harm, no matter what is happening with your abuser.

You will be wise to focus on your own healing & well-being & not let your or your loved one’s abuser’s struggles or suffering distract you from such things.  Remember that it’s normal to feel little or no sympathy towards someone who has hurt or abused you or someone you love, & there is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from them.  Feeling little or no sympathy for such a person is a normal response to an abnormal situation.  It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or that you’re a bad person.  You are simply a normal human being.

Strange Guilt

In talking recently with a friend, we discussed my relationship with my parents.  To give a very abridged recap to those who don’t know this, I was no contact with my parents when they died.  In May, 2016, we had a huge argument which initiated no contact.  My father died in October, 2017 & at that point, I hadn’t spoken to him in about six months.  My family harassed & bullied me constantly trying to get me to say good bye to him.  I prayed a lot, & knew would have been a bad idea, so I stayed away.  I didn’t even attend his funeral.

When my mother died in April, 2019 & I hadn’t spoken to her in almost exactly three years.  Many times after my father died, I thought about reaching out to her.  Again, I knew it would have been a bad idea.  The police notified me of her death, & when I went to her home that night, I learned how bad things were for her.  The house was filthy because my mother was physically unable to clean it properly.  There was very little food in the kitchen & a good part of what was there had gone bad. 

The one plus that came out of these scenarios was I learned that prior to my parents’ deaths, they turned to God.  Part of what made them do this was me not being a part of their lives.  Learning this has been very bizarre & left me with what my friend referred to as strange guilt.  I feel guilty for not being there for them, I wish I could have helped them out as their health deteriorated.  At the same time however, I am beyond relieved that they turned to God!  Talk about conflicting feelings!  Guilt & relief all coexist on the topic of my parents.

In the years that I’ve been writing about narcissistic abuse, I have heard plenty of scenarios from other victims of narcissistic abuse who struggle with similar stories of “strange guilt.”

Going no contact is probably the most common cause of strange guilt, especially if the narcissist in question gets terribly sick or even dies after no contact.  It is only human to feel badly for your last conversation being negative in these situations.  I understand, believe me!  But even so, I want you to know that if you severed ties with a narcissist & something bad happened to them after that, it is NOT your fault!

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, no matter who that narcissist is, it causes tremendous damage to your mental health.  They have no desire to improve their behavior so they stop hurting you.  Usually this means no contact is your only option if you want to protect your mental health.  There is nothing wrong or bad about that!  It’s your last resort, & very rarely done without a lot of thought & even soul searching before reaching that decision.

Whatever happens after going no contact is not your fault.  Narcissists love to make their victims feel responsible for anything bad that happens to them, but that doesn’t mean that is the truth.  They are responsible for their lives, not you.  Besides, the Bible says in Galatians 6:8 that a person reaps what they sow.  In other words, bad behavior reaps bad consequences & good behavior reaps good consequences.  That is how the world works, & not one person can change that.

There is also the chance that you eliminating the narcissist from your life has led or will lead to something good.  Look at the situation with my parents.  I never had a clue that no contact would be what turned them to God, but He knew that would happen, & that is why He kept me from breaking no contact even though it was very hard for me.  Something similar could happen with your situation as well, you just never know. 

Criticism & Children Of Narcissistic Parents

It’s natural for us to feel defensive sometimes when someone criticizes us.  However, this doesn’t mean we’re incapable, stupid, or a failure.  It simply means that the other person wants something done differently or is trying to help.  This post is for anyone who struggles with constructive criticism due to growing up with narcissistic parents.

Growing up with narcissistic parents can make it challenging to receive criticism.  Narcissistic parents often criticize their children excessively & make them feel like they’re never good enough.  As a result, children of narcissistic parents usually struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression & C-PTSD.  They also may view any criticism as a personal attack & become defensive or shut down entirely.  If you grew up with narcissistic parents, it’s essential to recognize & acknowledge how their behavior affected you.  This awareness can help you start to change your mindset & respond to criticism more realistically. 

It’s also important to differentiate between constructive criticism & destructive criticism.  Constructive criticism is feedback that’s intended to help you improve.  It’s not meant to tear you down or make you feel badly about yourself.  Destructive criticism is the opposite, & is meant to hurt you & make you feel bad about yourself.  

Changing your mindset takes time & effort, but it’s very possible.  Start by recognizing that not all criticism is meant to be destructive.  Some is constructive criticism, & it’s an opportunity to learn & grow.  It’s not a personal attack.

Try to approach criticism with an open mind & a willingness to improve.  Remember that no one is perfect.  We all make mistakes sometimes & have room to grow.

It may also be helpful to practice self-compassion.  Treat yourself with kindness & understanding, in particular when you make mistakes or receive criticism.  Remind yourself that no one is perfect, & that’s ok!  Also remember that you’re doing your best, & that’s all anyone can ask of you.

When someone asks you to do something a different way, take a deep breath & try to remain calm.  Again, remember that not everyone is attacking you personally; they may just want something done differently.

Listen carefully to their feedback & ask questions if you’re not sure what they mean.  You’ll be able to identify if their criticism is constructive or destructive rather quickly.  If it’s constructive, thank them for their feedback & let them know that you’ll do your best to make the requested changes.  If you need more time or support, don’t be afraid to ask for it.  If it’s destructive, remind yourself that people who use this tactic don’t mean what they say.  They are critical as a way to gain control over someone by damaging their self esteem.

It’s important to set boundaries with people who criticize you excessively or destructively.  You have the right to protect your mental health & well-being.

If someone’s feedback is hurting you, let them know that their criticism is not helpful & ask them to stop. Sometimes people become excessively negative & critical when stressed or going through a particularly difficult time.  People like this are likely unaware of their behavior & will make appropriate changes. If they continue to criticize you & excuse their behavior, it may be a sign of a toxic person, & necessary to limit or end contact with them.

Changing your mindset & responding better to criticism takes time & effort. It’s a process, not a quick fix.  Be patient with yourself & celebrate your progress along the way.  Always remember that you’re not a failure or incapable just because someone asks you to do something differently.  Viewing constructive criticism as an opportunity to learn & grow is a very healthy thing to do.

Don’t Let Anyone Shame You For Expressing Your Feelings

Does someone you know make you feel ashamed for expressing how you feel?  Have people told you that you are trying to start trouble, being “too much” or “over the top”, oversensitive or overreacting?  This is a form of gaslighting that is designed to make you feel wrong for complaining about the abuse.  The truth is, you have the right to express your feelings, & no one should make you feel ashamed for doing so.

Narcissists often use shame to control their victims.  One way they do this is by making their victims feel wrong for complaining about the abuse.  They do this to make sure that their victims don’t speak up again.  This type of behavior is a way for narcissists to control their victims, & ensure they can continue to do as they please without any repercussions.

It is important to note that narcissists are not the only ones who use this tactic.  People who are dysfunctional & don’t want to change also use it as a way to remain in their dysfunction.  If they can make someone feel wrong & ashamed for expressing their feelings, chances are that person won’t speak up again if the dysfunctional person repeats that behavior or does something else hurtful.  This means that the dysfunctional person won’t have to face their own bad behavior or make any changes.

No matter who treats you this way & their reasoning behind it, remember that you have the right to express your feelings.  Your feelings are valid, & no one should make you feel ashamed for expressing them, especially if someone has treated you badly.  

The best way to protect yourself when faced with this sort of toxic behavior in your average dysfunctional person is to stand your ground, & not let them make you feel ashamed of your feelings.  Speak up & refuse to be silenced.  Your feelings are valid, & you should never let anyone make you feel wrong for expressing them.

When faced with a narcissist, speaking up & talking things out reasonably almost never works.  In those cases, you need to exercise wisdom & lean on God to show you how you can best handle the situation.  Be forewarned, sometimes He may guide you into doing something difficult that you would rather not do.  Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to stay quiet & remind yourself what the narcissist is doing to you so you don’t believe their lies.  Other times, He may guide you to let it all out.  Since narcissists often use emotional outbursts against their victims, that is rarely wise, but I have experienced some times when God has told me that the other person needed to see me behave that way because of something they have done.  If God truly guides you to do that, you can trust it is for very valid reasons, even if you don’t know just what they are.

It is never okay for someone to make you feel wrong for expressing your feelings. You have the right to speak up & express how you feel.  If someone is trying to shame you, it is likely because they don’t want to face their own behavior or they want to abuse you.  Remember that you are not alone, & there is support available if you need it.  You have people who love you & will support you.  There are plenty of online forums out there available, too.  My Facebook group is a safe place for people from all walks of life to find comfort & support.  Feel fee to check it out.

Music Can Be Healing

My life has not had a lot of positive constants to say the least.  This is typical for any victim of narcissistic abuse.  One of the few positive constant things has been music, & I thought it would be a good idea to discuss that today.

Growing up with narcissistic parents, I learned early on that my job was to take care of & please them no matter any personal cost.  I also learned that any needs, wants, feelings, thoughts I had were unimportant.  While experiencing this, books became a wonderful escape for me.  When reading, I could be transported somewhere that this sort of abuse wasn’t happening.  Eventually though I had to put the book down & rejoin reality.  Thankfully, I discovered music when I was in the sixth grade.

Music didn’t offer quite the same escape as books did, but possibly it was even more helpful & powerful.  Reading, as wonderful as it can be, forces you to focus on it a lot so you don’t miss the details or lose your place.   Music is different. You can listen to music while you do pretty much anything, & still reap its benefits.  It also was the one thing that my narcissistic mother couldn’t ruin or take away from me, although she certainly tried to.  I simply listened to other artists or genres until I found something that spoke to me. 

As I got older, I clung to music, & still do.  I have certain genres & artists whose music is especially powerful & even healing to me.  My hope in sharing this with you is that you will discover the same for yourself.

Everyone’s taste in music is different, so please understand that whatever music helps you, that is ok!  There is no right or wrong.  What I am sharing today is just some information for you to consider when choosing your own music preferences.

As a new Christian in my mid 20’s, I thought the only acceptable music for Christians was gospel or worship music.  For some reason, these aren’t my favorite genres.  However, “Testify To Love” by Wynonna Judd & Bob Carlisle’s “Shades Of Grace” album never fail to touch my heart, & make me feel closer to God than usual.

As time went on, I got back into music I had loved prior to becoming a Christian.  Being a teenager in the 1980’s, I have a fondness for 80’s music.  Back then, I listened to anything from pop to heavy metal.  Even now, I still listen to it often.  This music takes me back to a time when although my life was very difficult, I still had one thing that was all mine, & it was something no one could ruin for me.  It feels good to remember that feeling.

I also like some country music.  My father was a big fan of outlaw country, like Waylon Jennings & Johnny Cash, & I remember him playing it when I was a little girl riding in his car.  That was fun, & now that car is mine.  Listening to it in that car reminds me of some good memories I have.  As an adult, I also discovered some country artists I love whose music reminds me to be proud of my roots, as my granddad instilled in me.  Loving the sound of their music is just a bonus.

There are other certain songs of random genres that I adore which also remind me of my roots.  Celtic & Native American Indian music often speak to me on a deep level, thanks to my Irish & Native American Indian heritage.  They make me feel a connection to ancestors I wasn’t fortunate enough to meet, & considering how interesting many of them were, this is a very good thing.  I also periodically enjoy some opera, classical, & instrumental nature music.  A song I enjoy from such genres isn’t common for me, but it always will create a sensation of peace & serenity. 

Lastly, I am a huge fan of a lot of heavy metal music.  I know, this is hardly everyone’s preferred genre, but it still inspires me.  It empowers me too.  There is so much passion that goes into songs of this genre & it seems to pass along to me when I listen to it.  I can’t not enjoy that especially considering how much time in my life has been spent feeling powerless.

I realize my taste in music could best be described as “don’t judge me”, & isn’t for everyone.  I hope in spite of that, you will consider what I have said & find what music has a powerful affect on you as my choices do on me.