Why Narcissists Feel They Must Know All About Their Victims After The Relationship Is Over

So many victims of narcissistic abuse face the same scenario.  Once they ended the relationship with the narcissist, they learned that the narcissist or one of their loyal evil minions have been following them on social media, trying to befriend people the victim knows or otherwise trying to find out information about what their victim has been doing since the relationship ended. 

I have been in this position repeatedly & currently have someone following me on Facebook that I know is only there to report to two narcissists what they find on my page.  Thanks to awful people like this, I can tell you from personal experience, it’s exasperating!  It makes you feel like there is no escape from the narcissist or their flying monkeys.  It also is maddening because you know if you close one door where they have to access you, they’ll find another.  They can create fake social media profiles all day long & follow you in those.  Or, they can befriend other friends of yours that you aren’t as close to.  Or, they can send friends of theirs you don’t know to befriend you. 

There is also the fact no victim of narcissistic abuse could be comfortable with a narcissist knowing anything about their life after the relationship.  No one who treats someone as terribly as a narcissist treats their victim has the right to know anything about those they have abused.  The sheer audacity of that behavior is infuriating, especially if you’re already a rather private person. 

To those who haven’t had this experience, it may not sound like a big deal.  It may even sound like the narcissist truly loves their victim, since they obviously want to know about them even long after the relationship has ended.  The fact though is those thoughts are absolutely wrong.  This IS a big deal & the narcissist does NOT love their victim.

When someone ends a relationship with a functional person, that functional person may want to know what the other person is up to after the relationship ends sometimes, but they aren’t obsessed.  They know it’s unhealthy & they aren’t entitled to that knowledge.  They may peek at their social media once in a while or ask a mutual friend how the other person is doing, but that is it.  Narcissists are not like this.  They think they are entitled to know whatever they like about their victims simply because they want to know.  Nothing else matters to them, like respect, privacy or boundaries.

Narcissists also don’t behave this way out of love.  They know nothing about what real love is like.  They are hoping to learn that their former victim is as miserable as they are, & failing in their life.  Nothing would make them happier than to learn that their victim has suffered all kinds of heartaches & trials since the relationship ended.  And, if they see evidence their victim is happy, it infuriates them.  It fuels their hatred of their victim.  Again, this is nothing like a functional person after a relationship!  A functional person wants the person they were in a relationship with once to be happy, even if it isn’t with them.  They won’t rejoice if they learn that person has suffered, only if they learn that person is happy.

If you are in this position of dealing with a narcissist or their flying monkeys lurking on the outskirts of your life, my heart truly goes out to you.  Protect your privacy however necessary, & don’t feel badly about doing it.  You have every right to do that!  They aren’t entitled to know anything about you or your life.  A person who abuses you has lost all rights to know anything about you, good or bad.  It is totally reasonable for you to protect your privacy however you need to because of that.

Spotting Narcissists Online

A while back, someone who followed my blog disagreed with one of my posts.  She stated why she did, & although I respected her opinion, I saw she took some things I said wrong.  I explained what I wrote, & left my computer for the evening.  The next day, I saw several of my readers understood what I was saying & defended me, including one who got into a rather heated disagreement with the original commenter.  The original commenter stopped following my blog & unfriended me on facebook.  She obviously held me responsible for what other people said that she didn’t like.

A few years before, a similar incident on facebook cost me a 20+ year friendship, so obviously this wasn’t the first time I’ve seen this type of ridiculous, immature behavior.  I’m sure it won’t be the last either.

I realized out of that situation with my blog that this person was a narcissist.  While she shared a great deal of insight in her own blog & facebook, sometimes there were very subtle hints of narcissism.  I thought I was reading too much into it, but as time went on, I saw more & more hints.  For example, when she shared her opinions, she stated them as fact & seemed to have no tolerance for anyone who disagreed with her.  Those people were wrong, period.  She also brags openly about any accomplishments, such as many shares of a blog post or mental health professional agreeing with something she’s said.

Most people don’t jump to ridiculous conclusions.  They don’t read into what you said- they trust that what you said is what you mean, while narcissists find a way to take everything personally.  The long friendship of mine that ended?  We shared a mutual friend, & he told this friend he “read into” what we said on facebook & knew from that how badly we thought of him.  (FYI- mostly what she & I talked about at that time was knitting.  I’m not sure how that meant we hated him.)

Most people also realize that you are going to have different opinions than them sometimes, & are OK with it.  They won’t think “if you aren’t for me, you’re against me”, but instead accept the fact that no two people agree on absolutely everything.  In fact, if they did, it would be very abnormal!  Narcissists however believe you have to share their thoughts, feelings, opinions, likes, dislikes, etc. or else you’re wrong.

Narcissists online also share only about themselves- what they think, what they’re doing, what is happening in their lives & probably plenty of pictures of themselves.  They almost never ask others how they are doing or what is happening in their lives.

They state their opinions as written in stone fact rather than simply their opinion, & won’t listen to the opinions of others or criticize them.  They also demand that you agree with them, because, after all, if you’re not for them, you’re against them!  (at least in their mind)

Spotting narcissists online can be trickier than spotting one in person, but remembering these tips can help you.

How To Identify A Narcissist Online

Most of us know how to identify narcissists in real life- the haughty attitude is a clear sign of an overt narcissist, while the sweet, innocent act as the person is trying to manipulate you is a giveaway that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.  Unfortunately, when you participate in social media or in online forums, detecting narcissists isn’t so easy.  Online verses in person gives significant disadvantages.  In person, you can read body language or voice tones, but online, such helpful clues are unavailable.  This means the clues are much more subtle.

So how can you identify a narcissist simply via online contact?

First, if a person doesn’t ask how you’re doing, what’s going on in your life, or similar questions, that is a red flag.  Even people who aren’t close will usually ask questions about the other person’s life.  Maybe not every single time, sometimes people have an off day, but if not asking anything about you is the norm?  Red flag!

Second, a narcissist isn’t open to hearing the views of others on any topic.  Politics, religion, relationships.. the narcissist knows it all, & if you don’t believe that, just ask the narcissist..

Third, narcissists don’t “agree to disagree.”  If you disagree with a narcissist, she will take offense.  If she disagrees with you, then you need to hear about how wrong you are.

Closely related to the previous point, narcissists will beat you to death with their opinion if they feel you aren’t hearing them.  I had a dream once I wrote about here that made this point clear to me.  I recommend you read about it- the dream clearly demonstrated this point to me.

Narcissists also have absolutely no interest in what you have to say.  You can tell a narcissist anything, no matter how important, & they won’t care. If it doesn’t directly affect a narcissist, it doesn’t matter to a narcissist.

And, narcissists aren’t humble.  If you give one a complement, you won’t hear “Thank you!”  They instead come across with this attitude of “It’s about time you noticed”  You’ll be lucky if they give you a little smiley face in response…