Getting Back Your Zest For Life After Narcissistic Abuse

Like so many other victims of narcissistic abuse, I spent most of my life trying to be less me to please other people.  I think of it like I was trying to shrink myself to please other people.  I became less opinionated.  I turned away from things that I liked that they didn’t approve of in favor of things they thought I should.  I tried changing my appearance too, dressing differently, coloring my hair & losing weight. 

Eventually I realized just how ridiculous this was.  Changing to please people who demand you change never works.  The one demanding the changes is never pleased, & the one doing the changing is miserable because they aren’t being true to themselves.  I could see no good reason to continue this behavior, so I stopped it.  I figured let people be mad at me for it.  They would be anyway!  This was a good decision of course, but it also was only half the battle for me.  I knew who I wasn’t, but I didn’t know who I was.

Over the years I did get to know myself, but still something was lacking.  I wasn’t sure what that something was.  It finally hit me.  I lost my passion, my zest for life.  I certainly can’t be the only person in this position, so I thought sharing what I have learned would be a good idea.

After enduring narcissistic abuse, it can be overwhelming to realize just how much damage has been done to you.  Healing is absolutely possible, but it takes a lot of work & time.  Often, I think it’s a life long process.  It can be easy to get caught up in healing work & not even notice you haven’t got that zest for life you once had.  Or maybe you never had it.  Either way, this should change.  You deserve to enjoy life!

As vital as healing is, it’s also a lot of work!  You need to take time frequent breaks.  They are good for your mental health.  Thinking too much about such intense topics can wear you down, & that is never good.  Take times where you flatly refuse to think about the abuse or focus on your healing.  Instead, do things you enjoy. 

Remember times in your life when you had that zest for life.  Think about them in as much detail as you can.  What were you doing?  What was so enjoyable about the situation?  How exactly did you feel?  Meditate on those times.  Remind yourself that this was you!  You were capable of being that person before, so you can be like that again. 

Consider things that ignite your zest for life & indulge in them often.  If it’s reading a certain genre of books, read all you can find.  If it’s a certain type of music, listen to it often & dance around your home.  If it’s supporting a certain cause, give your best to supporting it in every way you can.

Get creative.  I believe creative outlets to be absolutely vital to enjoying life.  Whatever you enjoy doing, make time to do it often.  I have learned if I don’t set aside time in the evenings to knit, crochet or cross stitch, it doesn’t take long before I become anxious & irritable.  Participating in these creative hobbies I love helps me to enjoy life more while helping my mental health.

The most helpful thing I have found though is the value of maintaining a close relationship to God.  Psalm 16:11 says that in His presence is fullness of joy, & this is so true!  Pray often & remember, God isn’t just God but your father as well.  You can talk to Him familiarly.  I know when your earthly father isn’t good it can be hard to relate to God in this way but it is possible.  Ask Him to help you & remember, He is nothing like your earthly father at all.  He is so much better!

Get Your Passion Back

I realized many years ago, I didn’t know myself at all.  I’d been too busy trying to please others to get to know the person God made me to be.  So, I finally asked God who was I, & He shared some interesting things with me.

One of those things was that I’m a very passionate person in many ways.  That surprised me, because I act so subdued.  I used to be a little less restrained when I was younger, but the older I get, the less comfortable I am sharing with others or even letting loose & singing & dancing in my seat along with the radio as I drive like I once did.  I chalked that up to age & maturity, but I think there is way more to it.

No matter your experiences in life, good or bad, they affect you.  Unfortunately, some of us have experienced many bad things, & have been drastically affected by them.  Bad experiences can make you bitter, angry or withdrawn.  Mine have made me withdrawn.  My husband is the same way, & I think that somehow this made us do this even more.  We each saw the other one withdrawing, & did the same.  After all, if the other person doesn’t want to “be bothered” with my company, why should I try?  (Since we were both raised by narcissistic parents, we tend to take things personally that aren’t necessarily personal.  Old habits truly die hard, even when you know better.)

Although I’ve known this is a problem for a while, in all honesty, I’ve postponed dealing with it.  Today, a couple of songs came on that helped me remember that this is something I need to focus on.  The songs are:

• Trace Adkins’, “I Wanna Feel Somethin”    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yN74IybUUWw
• Travis Tritt’s, “I Wanna Feel Too Much”     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwZGODP4NY0

Even if you aren’t a country music fan, I urge you to listen to them.  They describe exactly how I feel, & I’m sure many others as well.  Maybe even you.  Listening to these songs made me want my passion back.   I realize how robbed I feel, & it’s now really bothering me.

God showed me some ways to get my passion back quite some time ago & I am going to try to implement these steps in my life as often as possible.  I’m hoping what He showed me will help you as well.

I asked God to tell me who I really am.  Who did He make me to be?  Knowing how much I love animals, God told me to study the personality of a wolf, because that is what I’m truly like.  What I found was eye opening.  It described exactly the kind of person I’ve always admired.  Ask Him who you are- you may be very surprised as I was.

If God shows you, as He did me, that your personality is much like an animal, surround yourself with little reminders of that animal.  I have a lot of pictures of wolves in all moods on my tablet.  I have a wolf theme on my laptop.  I admire wolves on TV or in pictures or wherever I see them, letting the image remind me that this is the person God made me to be- like the elegant, strong, loyal, loving, wise wolf.

Dump your inhibitions!  Seriously, what good are they doing by making you squelch the person you are meant to be?  Ask God to help you do so.  When He puts it in your heart to step outside of your comfort zone, then do it.  It will help to build your self-confidence & also to shed inhibitions.

Pay attention to what you want to do.  Whether it is an interest, your career or a hobby, pay attention.  You will discover what lights a fire in you, & participating in it will feel simply amazing!

Practice self acceptance.  God made you the way you are for a reason.  Why reject it?  That is like telling God He doesn’t know what He’s doing, or he messed up for making you this way.  Ask Him to help you accept yourself & even love yourself for the person He made you to be.

I plan to listen to the above mentioned songs more & more often since music can be so inspiring.  I also feel inspired by other songs in other genres, so I’ll be listening to them more often too.  What inspires you to get your passion back?  Listen to the songs frequently or look at that painting or read that book.  Whatever it is, isn’t important so long as it inspires you.

Judging Others

Matthew 7:1-3 states,  “Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.  And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” (KJV)  Yet, it seems to me not many people really take this Scripture to heart.

I’ve been noticing this on facebook lately, regarding two popular issues in particular.  As many of you know, Cecil the lion was killed in a protected area illegally by a trophy hunter.  Also, Planned Parenthood has been accused of selling parts of the babies they aborted for profit.  (sorry- I haven’t read much about either so I can’t provide better details).  Granted, both are terrible issues.  Neither situation should have happened.  Naturally, people are very passionate about both issues.  People also are very judgmental about people’s feelings on these issues.

I’ve seen many posts from folks upset about Planned Parenthood criticizing those upset about Cecil the lion.  “It’s just a lion!”  “Who cares?  It’s just a man eating beast!”  “Children being slaughtered & their parts sold is more important!”

This has been bothering me because it happens every day with all kinds of issues, not only these two.  They are simply a recent example I’m using.  People aren’t tolerant of the simple fact that people have different passions.  It’s how God made us.  Someone like me with a lot of pets is naturally be more upset over trophy hunting an innocent, majestic lion than the horrible practices of Planned Parenthood, whereas a mother with seven children naturally will be more upset over Planned Parenthood’s actions than the lion’s death.  This does NOT mean one of us is wrong!  It simply means we are different people with different priorities & passions.

Not everyone is going to feel the same way, & that is fine!  People need to accept that about you just as you need to accept that about them.  You don’t have to agree with someone 100% to be in a relationship with them.  I have friends who are very interested in politics while I couldn’t care less about it.  We may discuss politics slightly but that’s all, & we’re fine with that because we have other common interests.  I have other friends who like animals but aren’t as obsessed with them as I am.  The same thing happens- we may discuss animals slightly but that is fine because we too have other common interests.  My political friends aren’t offended that I don’t share their passion & I’m not offended other friends don’t share my animal passion.  We accept each other’s differences without judgment.

I’d like to encourage you, Dear Reader, to do the same.  Accept the fact no one shares your same passions.  Even if you do, chances are you’ll both handle it a bit differently anyway.  Instead of judging, just accept the fact that God made you both differently.  If your friend feels strongly about an issue, maybe try to learn some about it.  You may discover a new interest or at least learn a little.