How To Identify Safe People

When you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, whether the narcissist is your parent, friend or lover, it can skew how you see other people.  Although you want to find safe, genuine people to be in relationship with, it’s easy to become somewhat paranoid, seeing narcissistic traits everywhere.  It can become hard to figure out who is safe & who isn’t, but it doesn’t need to be.

In Matthew 10:16, Jesus tells His disciples, “Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.” (KJV)  You need to follow this wisdom, too- it isn’t only for the disciples.  To do that, you need to remember what you have learned about spotting narcissists, but also you need to learn ways to identify safe people.

Safe people:

• have empathy.  They understand how others feel, they don’t just say they do but you can tell they have no idea.
• are thoughtful.
• they have good boundaries.
• they accept people as they are, without trying to change them.
• they learn from their mistakes.
• they accept responsibility when appropriate, rather than pass the blame onto someone else.
• have a good sense of humor, & don’t make inappropriate jokes at the expense of other people.
• don’t look to others for approval.
• aren’t judgmental.

No Win Situations & Narcissists

Setting you up in a no win situation is one of many weapons in the narcissist’s arsenal.  They put you in a situation where you can’t win so they have a reason to be angry with or hurt by you, or to make you do what they want.

In my late teens, my mother’s abuse was at its peak.  She would scream at me so often, it was just a way of life for me then.  She didn’t have any valid reason to scream at me, so she would often make up reasons or put me in a situation where I would be wrong no matter what.   One example that comes to mind took place not long after I met my now ex husband.  Upon seeing him for the first time, my mother hated him & told me to stay away from him.  I liked him so I sneaked around behind her back at work & school to see him. (The rest of the time I was with my mother).  He & I worked together, & often closed the place.  I wasn’t allowed to have a car, so my mother took me to & from work & school.  When my ex & I walked out from work together, my mother screamed at me as soon as I got into the car for spending time with him.  When I walked out first on the next evening we worked together, she screamed at me again for him “hiding from her”, “not having the guts to face her, “& “being a coward”.  Then on the next evening we shared a shift, he left first as I hung back.  Then she screamed at me for him “being so cocky”,  leaving work before me.  There were only three ways to handle the situation & she got mad at every single one of them.  She created the perfect no win situation.  When I tried talking to her about it, she screamed at me for not knowing what she expected of me.  It was devastating to me & made me feel crazy.  It didn’t matter to her it hurt me though- as long as she felt better, that’s all that mattered.  That’s how narcissists are- so long as they benefit, it doesn’t matter who they hurt or destroy.

Unfortunately, I’ve never found a really good way to deal with it.  That’s why it’s called a “no win” situation, I suppose.  All I have learned is not to engage in the behavior.  Let the narcissist have the temper tantrum but you remain calm.  Showing narcissists emotions only gives them supply so you refuse to do that!  Do NOT apologize if you weren’t wrong.  Change the topic.  Leave the room or hang up the phone.

Always remember, this is NOT normal behavior!  The person who puts another in a no win situation is not normal.  There is something very wrong with that person, not you.

About Victim Blaming

Victim blaming is a common phenomenon in society today.  The woman who was abused by her husband is to blame for not leaving him sooner.  The victim of rape is blamed for being drunk or high.  The victim of theft is blamed for not locking his door.

This awful phenomenon invalidates the pain of the victim.  It can make a victim feel as if she wouldn’t have done what she did, then the traumatic event wouldn’t have happened.  How could she possibly have the right to be upset?  It’s an absolutely awful thing to do to someone, making them feel this way!  No one deserves traumatic, terrible things to happen to them.  What victims do deserve is kindness, understanding & support.

Whether the person blaming the victim is the cause for the victim’s pain or not, blaming her also enables that person to distance himself from the victim & her pain.  If the victim is the cause of her own suffering, then he need not feel sorry for her or try to help her.  If the victim caused her own suffering, then the abuser need not feel bad for doing whatever it was he did to her.

Narcissists love victim blaming.  It serves them very well.  I lost track of how many times my mother told me I was the reason she “had” to abuse me.  She even called it “tough love” instead of what it really was, abuse.  She claimed if I didn’t do whatever it was I had done (or she thought I had done in most cases), she wouldn’t have been forced to scream at me, destroy my things, etc. etc.

If you have been on the receiving end of victim blaming, please do not allow that trash to get inside you!  You did NOT deserve what was done to you!  You are not to blame, the abuser is!  You have every right to be angry, hurt, & yes, even traumatized!  Don’t believe those fools who tell you that you deserved it.  Anyone who blames an innocent victim has serious emotional problems.

Thinking Of Confronting Your Narcissistic Parent?

During the course of healing from narcissistic abuse, you may want to confront your narcissistic parent.  You may want to let her have it, to tell her she’s abusive & evil, to tell her although she tried, she didn’t destroy you & many other things.  In your fantasy of doing this, she breaks & apologizes for all of the hurt she has caused you.  She says she wants to change, & to make it up to you for all of the damage she has done.

Unfortunately this is a very unrealistic expectation.

Narcissists don’t admit to any wrong doing on their part.  They often do one of three things- either blame the victim for making them do what they did, say it happened an entirely different way or deny it ever happened in the first place.  As a result, often confronting the narcissist is more damaging to the victim than if they don’t confront.

Confrontation is certainly your choice.  You have every right to call out an abuser on her abusive behavior.  However, you need to have realistic expectations on how the situation may happen for it to be a healthy choice for you.

If you confront your narcissistic parent, will it help you to get it all out to her?  Will it help you to call her out on what she has done even if she denies it or blames you?  If so, then confrontation is a good option for you.

However, if you expect that your narcissistic mother will suddenly have a moment of lucidity, then accept full responsibility for her actions, genuinely repenting of what she has done, you are setting yourself up for serious disappointment.  In fact, that disappointment may be devastating for you.

Probably around 10 years ago, my father went through a phase of complaining even more than usual about his & my mother’s marriage to me.  I hate that!  That is emotional incest & abusive!  I don’t want or need to know about their marriage problems, yet both of my parents have dumped them on me my entire life.  One day when I saw him alone, I finally decided enough was enough.  I was tired of changing the subject to get him to stop complaining.  I had to tell him that he was hurting me, & it needed to stop.  So I did.  I told him those words- “It hurts me when you complain to me about your marriage & about Mom.  Please stop it.  Find someone else to talk to.”  He responded by saying, “Oh ok.. but just this one more thing…” He went on to complain about her for 45 more minutes until he left my home!  (Yes, I timed it!  I was curious how long it’d go on.)  I ended up even more hurt than I was originally, because at this point, he knew he was hurting me yet did what hurt me anyway.

When considering confronting your narcissistic parent, please consider it long & hard.  Pray about it too, & ask God to show you what you should do & if you should confront, how you should do it.  I would hate to see you hurt, Dear Reader, so please do those things before you confront your narcissistic parent!  xoxo

You Are Much Stronger Than You Realize

Have you ever stopped & thought about how strong you are?

Being raised by at least one narcissistic parent, you are naturally all too aware of your faults (real ones & the imaginary ones your parent put on you).  Even if you haven’t had contact with that parent & have healed, chances are you’re still very aware of every flaw you have, yet very unaware of the good things about you.  One of those good things that all victims share is great strength.

Think about it.  Narcissistic abuse is the psychological equivalent of walking through a minefield.  You don’t know where to turn that is safe.  Sometimes you’re going to step on a land mine (incite narcissistic rage by some imaginary slight) & it’s going to devastate you.  Narcissistic rage is as unavoidable when dealing with a narcissistic personality as stepping on a land mine in a minefield.

Yet, in spite of all of the abuse & the gaslighting, you survived.  Wounded, like a person who has escaped a minefield, but still, you survived.  That is pretty darned impressive!  And, you ended the cycle!!  YAY YOU!!  You aren’t a narcissist!  So many children with narcissistic parents turn into narcissists, but you didn’t!  That is awesome!!

Here you are, being good to other people, loving your kids (furry or human), & living life on your own terms.  You aren’t living to please your narcissistic parent, which shows you have great courage.  It takes a lot of courage to break away from that, since they make their children’s lives so miserable when they are disappointed.  Sure, you still have some issues from childhood, who doesn’t?  Maybe you even have PTSD or C-PTSD.  But, you didn’t commit suicide like many have.  You’re still here & doing pretty well for yourself.  And, you’ve done it all on your own.

You, Dear Reader, are incredibly strong.  You should be very proud of yourself!

Why Children Of Narcissists Have Trouble Setting Goals

As children, we’re supposed to figure out what we want to do when we grow up & plan for it accordingly by the time we graduate high school.  Many plans change but at least most kids have an idea of what they want to do with their lives.

 

I didn’t.  I never could figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  I didn’t even know if I wanted to get married or not, but I assumed I wouldn’t because my mother told me no man would ever want me.  I’ve kind of fallen into things rather than having a plan to get there my entire life.

 

I’ve thought this was strange since it seemed to me everyone else I knew growing up had some goals.  They knew if they wanted to get married, have kids, travel the world, go to college, & what kind of career they wanted.

 

Recently I realized something.  I believe this is because when you grow up with a narcissistic parent (or two), you learn early on that you’re wrong about anything & everything.  What you think, feel, like, don’t like, want, believe, etc. is all wrong.  So, if you believe you’re wrong, how can you set any goals?  The goals will automatically be stupid, bad, wrong, etc. because you set them.  Why bother even trying to set goals that are going to be so bad?  It’s a waste of time.

 

Plus, many of us with narcissistic parents were told by that parent that they knew us better than we knew ourselves.  Believing this lie would also inhibit us from making goals because obviously we are too stupid to know what we should do & what we want to do.

 

Even realizing this, I still have trouble setting goals but am improving a bit at it.  I have learned I’m not the stupid, ugly, fat, horrible, useless person my mother told me I was growing up.  I have also learned she has absolutely no clue who I am, so saying she knows me better than I know myself was an absolute lie.  I know me much better than she ever has & ever will.  Learning these things have helped me some in this area as well as healing my virtually destroyed self-esteem.  Realizing these truths about yourself can help you too.   Talk to supportive, loving & safe people.  Write in a journal.  Those things will help you to discover the real you, the good person that you are as well as what you want to do with your life.  They also will help you to see that maybe what your narcissistic parent said you wanted, liked or didn’t like was absolutely wrong, & enable you to figure out what makes you truly happy.

 

Dear Reader, if you have this same problem with setting goals, know you aren’t alone.  You aren’t crazy or stupid for not being able to do so.  It is simply one more side effect of growing up with a narcissistic parent.  Focus on healing your wounded self-esteem, & I believe goals will become more natural & easy to set in time.  Ask God for help, too- He will not let you down!

Consequences- A Necessary Part Of Life, Even For Narcissists

2 Thessalonians 3:10  “For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.”  (KJV)

 

So many of us raised by narcissistic parents grew up believing it was our job to protect our parents from consequences.  No matter what our parents did to us, we weren’t supposed to be upset about it or confront them about being abusive.  We were supposed to tolerate everything they did with a smile rather than take the chance in upsetting them.

 

Sadly, this awful belief often is such an ingrained belief, it follows us into adulthood.  Our narcissistic parents can continue abusing not only us but our spouse & children as well without fear of consequences.

 

The fact is that this belief & behavior goes against God’s will.  God is a firm believer in consequences.  The Scripture at the beginning of this post is evidence of that.

 

Dear Reader, if you’re suffering at the hands of your narcissistic parents, you are well within your rights to set boundaries & give your parents consequences!  Doing so won’t make you a bad person or bad daughter or son.  In fact, it means you are following God’s will.

 

The same is true if you have gone no contact with your narcissistic parents.  Although many people will attempt shame you for doing so, going no contact after years of abuse & attempts to improve the relationship is NOT a bad thing.  Yes, it’s sad when a relationship comes to such drastic measures, especially when it’s a close relationship such as parent & child, however, it is also often the only resort left for a victim who wishes to be free of abuse.  The person in this situation has absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about.

Needing Validation

One thing so many of us subjected to narcissistic abuse want more than anything is validation.  We’ve been ignored & invalidated so long, we’re starving for validation.  It’s very normal to feel that way.  Unfortunately, it also can be very hard to come by!

Many people don’t want to hear our stories, because they say it’s “too negative”, they don’t believe us (in all fairness, the things narcissists do sound so crazy it can be hard to believe), maybe they don’t believe narcissism is a real thing or that it’s so incredibly commonplace, or maybe they know the narcissist & don’t believe that person to be capable of doing the things you say she/he did to you.  It can be super frustrating because we aren’t making this stuff up (honestly.. who really is that creative?!) & we’re so starved for validation

Then there is the narcissist.  We would love validation from her.  How many of us wouldn’t be thrilled if one day that person admitted the things they had done to us, & begged for our forgiveness?  That would be the ultimate validation.  It’s also a false hope that keeps us in relationship with narcissists for well beyond a time that we should be.

This need for validation, while normal, also can prove to be a problem.

Dear Reader, while validation from outside sources is a wonderful thing to have, you need to understand that some people simply will NOT give it to you, no matter what.  I know that is painful, & I’m sorry, but it’s true.  It’s something you need to accept.  You can’t make someone believe you or show you empathy because of what you have experienced.

Some time ago, I had a strange dream.  In it, my car was nose to nose with a much smaller car in a parking lot.  I was maybe 50′ or so away.  Suddenly, the little sedan backed up & rammed into the front of my car, then backed up & did it again over & over.  I was panicked- I love my car & ain’t no one messing with her, even in a dream!  As I ran towards the cars, I realized the smaller car was shrinking- every time it hit my car, my car was fine, but the small car’s front end was becoming more smushed in.  It leaked fluids & smoked like crazy.  I stopped running & stared at this scene in shock & with some amusement.  Then I woke up.  Before I could even ask God what this dream meant, He told me.  It had a two-fold meaning:

1. Narcissists & flying monkeys are like that sedan.  They are so determined to make their point known, they don’t care if they destroy themselves.  Stand strong on the truth & what I know, & like my car, I’ll be just fine while they destroy themselves.
2. Don’t be like the sedan.  Some people won’t want to know what I’ve been through & I can’t make them care no matter what.  Don’t try to force them to change their views- it’ll hurt me way more than it’ll ever hurt them.

I think this can be a very good lesson for you too, Dear Reader.  Don’t be like the sedan!  Don’t try to force people to validate your pain if they don’t want to.

Instead, learn to validate your own pain.  Talk to God, journal, talk to supportive friends or a counselor, & accept the fact not everyone can validate your pain.  It’s hard, but you can do this!  And, not validating you is their right, after all.  No one is obligated to do so.  Some people simply aren’t very caring or empathetic.  The invalidating people do one thing good though- they make you appreciate the kind, caring ones who do offer validation even more.

Caring For Elderly Narcissistic Parents

1 Timothy 5:3-8  “3 Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. 4 But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. 5 The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help. 6 But the widow who lives for pleasure is dead even while she lives. 7 Give the people these instructions, so that no one may be open to blame. 8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”  (NIV) 

 

Elderly narcissistic parents are often even more entitled than their younger counterparts.  For their children, this can be an incredibly painful position to be in.

 

Many adult children of narcissistic parents feel they have no other option than to be their parents’ caregiver, even at the cost of their health & their own family.  After all, we can’t forget Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” (NIV).  Then there is 1 Timothy 5:8 which says, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” (KJV)  Doesn’t this all mean you have to be hands on with your elderly parents, no matter what?  NO!!

 

I do NOT believe that God wishes His children to take care of their narcissistic parents no matter the personal cost.  That doesn’t sound like the God I know!

 

First, to honor your parent simply means to give them the respect they deserve as the people who created you.  You acknowledge them as your parents.  You speak to them civilly, not rudely or disrespectfully.  Honoring them does NOT mean tolerating their abuse.  It also doesn’t mean that you neglect your family to take care of your parents.  If you opt to take care of your parents in a hands-on way, you can honor them by helping them as much as you feel able without wearing yourself out or neglecting your family.

 

Also, remember 1 Timothy 5:8 says that you must provide for them.  You can provide for your parents in various ways, not necessarily being “hands on”.  Arranging for help to come to your parents’ home is a great way to help them & provide for them.  Researching local resources for whatever help they need is providing for them.  Paying for things your parents need yet can’t afford but you can is providing for them.

 

As your parents become elderly & need more assistance than they once did, you need to prepare ahead of time as much as you can.  Even if your parents are still relatively young, start to look towards the future now.  You never know what can happen.  Things can change in an instant, so you need to be prepared.

 

Start praying & asking God for wisdom & insight on what boundaries you will need to set when the time comes as well as strength to enforce those boundaries.

 

Read up on the topic to see what others do with their elderly narcissistic parents, & honestly ask yourself what you can & can’t do.  There are plenty of informative caregiver websites out there.

 

Most libraries are a wealth of information.  The library near me has a ton of pamphlets & booklets near the entrance on various services in the area, including information from the local Department of Aging.  I found a booklet there for seniors’ resources.  It includes information on cleaning services, in home health care, assisted living facilities, contact information from the Department of Aging, & much more.   Your library may have a similar booklet- it’s worth checking into.

 

If you’re going to be involved in caring for your narcissistic parents, it’s best to learn as much as you can about what’s happening with their health.  Narcissists love to exaggerate their illnesses, & you need to be aware of what the truth is & what they are making up.  Read up about their conditions online or talk to their doctors without them around.

 

If something needs to be done to help you to help them, stress how this will help them.  Leave out how it will benefit you entirely, & make it sound like it will help them only.  In my own caregiving experiences, I’ve noticed that saying that something will help me falls on deaf ears.  Saying that same thing will benefit the narcissistic parent however, gets the narcissist’s attention.

 

In fact, don’t discuss anything about you as much as possible.  If an elderly narcissist knows you’re not feeling well or are tired, they will push you to do more & more as they can get away with it.  Wearing you down gives them some sick pleasure.

 

When you set boundaries, do so as cheerfully as possible & with no explanations.  As always, any information these people get can be turned into ammunition they will use to hurt you with.

 

It is possible to keep your sanity in tact while caring for a narcissist.  Keep in mind everything you know about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, set & enforce boundaries, don’t neglect yourself or your own family for your parents & most of all, keep God first in your life.  Depend on Him completely to help you do such things & show you what to do, when to do it & how to do it.

 

If you opt to keep your distance, then try not to feel guilty.  If you know in your heart that you can’t be a more hands-on caregiver, there is no shame in that.  God only asks people to do their best, nothing more.  Sadly, some people are so incredibly toxic, there is just no way to interact with them on a daily basis.  It happens, unfortunately.  If your parent is that way, you have done nothing to feel guilty about by protecting yourself.

 

The Need To Discuss Narcissistic Abuse

Those of us who have been through narcissistic abuse need to talk about it.  It is part of the healing process, discussing our experiences.  This happens for several reasons.

 

Narcissists routinely convince their victims of all manners of ridiculous things, & it takes a lot of talking to be able to sort out the truth from their lies.

 

Narcissistic abuse is very difficult to wrap your mind around, even when you have experienced it first hand.  Talking about what you have been through makes it more real, & enables you to accept that these awful things did happen.  Once that happens, you can begin to heal.

 

Narcissists invalidate their victims constantly, about every single thing that can be invalidated.  Once we realize we have been abused & come away from that, we crave validation.  We especially crave it about the experiences we had, because the narcissist told us we were the problem, they did nothing wrong.  It helps us so much to hear that they were the problem, not us.  We all need to hear this!  The less we hear it, the more likely we are to continue believing we are the real problem in the relationship.  We can’t heal if we don’t know this truth.

 

Some people may not understand that you need to talk about your experiences, & may be nasty to you, but that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with talking about it.  It means you’re a normal person who has been through an abnormal situation.

 

When you find people who don’t understand your need to discuss what you have been through, it’s time to move on, & find others with whom you can discuss your experiences without fear of judgment.  Other survivors are usually the safest people you can talk to.  They understand how surreal everything is, & how you need validation.  They also can share how they have learned to live with the abuse done to them.

 

Remember, Dear Reader, there is nothing wrong with you for feeling the need to discuss what you have been through!  Go with it!  You will feel so much better if you do.

Rejection Takes Many Forms

Rejection is a huge part of narcissistic abuse.  It may not seem like it at first, but when you think about it, it really is.

Rejection isn’t only kicking someone out of your life.  Rejection can take many other forms.

Telling someone that they aren’t good enough is a form of rejection.

A parent failing to protect their child is rejecting the child.

Not allowing a child to have any rights is rejection.

Not hearing a child is rejection.

Invalidating a child is certainly rejection.

Treating a child as if the child has no value is rejection.

Rejection in childhood is extremely damaging.  It can destroy a child’s self-esteem, inhibits their ability to trust people, & makes them relate to others in unhealthy ways.  They can develop anxiety or anger problems.

To undo this damage, prayer is vital, in my opinion.  Ask God where to start.

I also believe that learning what the Bible has to say about you is very important.  I created a list of positive affirmations, & put them on my website.  Feel free to print them out if you like.  They can be found here: http://cynthiabaileyrug.com/Positive-Affirmations.php

Another thing that I find is important is realizing that any parent who rejects her own child has problems.  Narcissists are incredibly dysfunctional in their thinking, which is why they hurt even their own children.  They have problems!  Normal people don’t deliberately hurt anyone, especially their own children.

Dear Reader, just because you have been rejected by your parent doesn’t mean you are bad or flawed or whatever they said about you.  You are a child of God, & God doesn’t make mistakes!

Psalm 27:10  “Although my father and my mother have abandoned me,
Yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child].”  (AMP)

Let Jesus Help You Heal

John 8:12  “Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.”  (KJV)

 

We all know that light conquers darkness.  If you were in a pitch dark room & lit a match, that tiny match would dispel a surprising amount of darkness.

 

Jesus referred to Himself in the above Scripture as the light of the world for a reason.  Light also gives life- look at plants, as an example.  Without light, they won’t survive.  Like light, Jesus gives life- eternal life.  If you follow Him, He will make clear what path to take in your life.  He also can show you things you might not have noticed before.  (If it wasn’t for Him, I don’t know if I’d know anything about narcissism.)

 

In your journey of healing from narcissistic abuse, have you asked the Lord to help you?  He truly wants to!  And, although even He can’t make it easy, He can help to make it less painful & difficult.  I can tell you from my own experience, I wouldn’t be where I am now without His help.  He’s shown me what I needed to do & how to do things.  He’s answered my questions, let me rant when I was angry or hurting & comforted me when no one else could.

 

If you haven’t asked Jesus for help in your healing journey, maybe now is the time for you to do that.  He wants to help, so let Him!  Ask Him to show you what you need to do & how you need to do it.  Ask Him for comfort, wisdom, strength, courage & anything else you need.  He will be more than glad to help, so why not let Him?

An Important Point About No Contact

No contact is often the only solution preached when a victim of narcissistic abuse looks for advice.  People make it sound like once you get that narcissist out of your life, everything will be peachy keen.  However, this is not the case!

 

No contact is a wonderful thing.  I am very much in favor of it since often it is the only solution that can help a victim keep their sanity.  It creates the distance needed to help the victim have clarity of thought that is impossible while involved with a narcissist.  That being said, though, there needs to be more to it than simply cutting the narcissist out of your life.

 

If your parents are narcissists, chances are you find yourself in friendships & romantic relationships with narcissists.  You can end the relationship with your parents, but if that’s all you do, you’ll continue to find yourself in these toxic relationships.

 

Rather than cutting ties only, you need to learn all you can about narcissism.  Doing this will help you to spot narcissists easily, before they lure you into their dysfunctional web.  It also will show you that you are not to blame for anything they did to you.  Narcissists love blaming their victims for the abuse they dish out, which leaves victims feeling guilty unnecessarily.  Learning about narcissism will help you to get a revelation on the fact that their abuse was all on them.  You truly aren’t the problem, a bad person or anything else they said you were!

 

Also, focus on your own healing.  Grow stronger & healthier emotionally.  Get to the root of your issues so you can truly heal.  As you get healthier, your self esteem will heal too, & you will find yourself attracted to & attracting healthier people into your life.  You also will find you can handle yourself with the abusive ones that are impossible to avoid.

 

If you are considering going no contact, then please keep these points in mind!  Going no contact can help you a great deal of course, but you don’t need to stop there.  Learn about narcissism & focus on your healing as well as going no contact, as these things will benefit you immensely!

Narcissists Miss Out On So Much

For years, one thing that has bothered me about the relationship with not only my narcissistic mother, but also narcissistic grandmother & narcissistic mother in-law is the waste of it all.  I was pretty much nothing but a bother to my narcissistic mother.  When I was one of the caregivers for my narcissistic grandmother, she ordered me around like the hired help & was constantly hateful & cruel to me.  We should’ve been close since I spent so much time with her, but instead I was nothing but a servant to her.  As for the mother in-law, she hated me since we met, never giving me a chance.  I’m just the woman who stole her son.

This is so sad to me.  It seems like nothing but waste. Narcissism stole any chance at me having a decent, at the very least civil, relationship with any one of these women.  On top of the damage it causes, such as stealing joy & destroying self-esteem, narcissism also steals relationships.

It’s also sad to me to think about what these narcissists in my life missed out on.  Admittedly, I still have issues with self-esteem, but even so, I realize I’m not a bad person.  I have a good (albeit warped) sense of humor.  I like to help people.  These people have missed out on that, & it’s a shame for them.

Have you ever thought about that?  About what your narcissistic mother has missed out on by treating you the way she has?

It’s common I think to be so focused on what we, the victims, missed out on, but I think contemplating what they, the abusers, missed out on too can be helpful.  It helps you to realize you aren’t unworthy, as you were made to believe.

If you really think about it, your narcissistic mother missed out on a lot.  You have many great qualities, & it is her loss not to be able to enjoy those.  What good qualities do you have?  Are you loyal?  Compassionate?  Fun?  Helpful?  She also missed out on so many of those lovely mother/daughter moments, such as picking out a prom dress, planning your wedding, or helping you pick out paint colors for your first home.  So many mothers & daughters are very close friends- she missed out on your lovely friendship.  You aren’t the only one who missed out on those- they would’ve been a blessing to her as well.  She missed out on watching you grow & appreciating you in each phase of your life.

Your narcissistic mother has missed out on so much with you.  You are truly a gem, & it’s her loss that she’s been so involved with her narcissism that she missed out on that.  Do you know that?

If you’ve never thought like this before, I’d like to encourage you to think about it.  What has your narcissistic mother missed out on with you?  Think about the wonderful qualities you bring to a relationship.  When you do, you’ll see that your mother has lost a special gift in you.  You’ll also see that just maybe, you aren’t as terrible as she always tried to make you believe.

“Why Didn’t You Tell Someone?”

When victims of abuse first tell their story, people often ask why they didn’t tell someone when it was happening.  They figure it couldn’t have been so bad if they didn’t even tell anyone.

 

This thinking is incredibly faulty!  Nothing could be further from the truth!

 

Abusers of all types have some things in common.  One of those things is they love secrecy.  They don’t want people to know what they are doing to their victim, so they threaten & scare their victims into silence.

 

Some abusers tell their victims things like, “If you tell anyone, I’ll kill your child/parents/sibling.”  Others beat their victims upon finding out the victim told someone what the abuser has done.  Narcissistic abusers usually aren’t so obvious with their intimidation, but they value secrecy nonetheless.  When I was growing up, my mother used to scream at me when she thought I was “airing our dirty laundry” as she called talking about her abuse.  She would shame me for needing to talk about things, like there was something incredibly wrong with me- everything she did was completely normal, I had no right to think otherwise or talk about her behind her back.  I stopped talking.  It wasn’t worth the screaming & berating.

 

Then sometimes if we tell, people either don’t believe us anyway or they think we’re exaggerating.  When I was a teen & told some people about my mother, no one believed me.  One school guidance counselor said “it didn’t sound so bad.”  When my mother threw me into a wall, I went to my friend’s parents’ home to see if I could stay with them.  Her father laughed at me.  26+ years later & I still don’t get the joke.

 

Reasons like this are why victims don’t tell someone when the abuse is happening.  We’re terrified the abuser will follow through on their threats or hurt us in some way, or afraid no one will believe us.  As painful as staying quiet about what’s happening is, it’s easier than facing the wrath of the abuser or apathy of someone we turn to for help.

What It’s Like Being The Adult Child Of A Narcissistic Parent

Children of narcissistic parents often experience similar types of abuse when growing up.  So many of us have spoken to others & said things like, “Yea!!  My mother did that exact same thing!” Many of my readers have told me their stories & they sound oddly similar to my own.  Their mothers told them they were crazy, fat, stupid, ugly, worthless, etc.  They used similar gaslighting phrases to my mother’s, such as “I don’t remember it that way.”  “You’re crazy!”  “What is wrong with you?”  The similarities are uncanny!  In fact, I’ve often wondered if they all have some sort of secret narcissistic instruction manual since so many narcissists act very similar.

 

The abuse isn’t the only thing that’s similar about being raised by narcissistic parents.  The damage done is oddly similar.

 

• Adult children of narcissists don’t know ourselves.  At best, we know who our narcissistic parent told us we were.
• We have incredibly low self-esteem, often even believing we have no right to exist & take up space in this world.
• The low self-esteem makes us incredibly anxious, often terrified of asking people for something,
• We feel incredible amounts of toxic shame about every single thing about us.
• Many adult children of narcissistic parents struggle with issues with their weight.  We were told constantly how fat or skinny we were growing up, so we began early in life to see our bodies through our narcissistic parent’s eyes rather than our own.  This often leads to eating disorders or other issues with food.
• Boundaries?  What are those?  They must be for other people, certainly not for children of narcissistic parents!
• We’re exhausted constantly.  A lifetime of narcissistic abuse makes people function in survival mode, always trying to put out the next fire as soon as it starts or, better yet, try to make sure the fire doesn’t start in the first place.
• PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or C-PTSD (Complex PTSD) is common.  Being raised by at least one narcissistic parent is traumatic in so many ways, so many adult children are diagnosed with PTSD or C-PTSD.
• Physical problems such as high blood pressure, arthritis, aches & pains with no physical cause, & more.

 

Dear Reader, chances are you have experienced symptoms like this, probably more.  Maybe it’s even what brought you to my blog today.  If you are experiencing such things, then please know you aren’t crazy!  You’re far from it in fact.  You’re a normal person who has experienced extremely abnormal things, & had a normal reaction to them.

 

I can’t tell you today that the symptoms will all go away quickly, because they won’t.  Prayer, love & support from those around you, counseling will help you get healthier.  Prayer in particular is the most important thing you can do to help yourself.  Remember, the Bible referred to Jesus as “The Great Physician” & “Wonderful Counselor”- who better to help you get through this?  Also, the more you learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the more it will help you to see that you were not the real problem, contrary to what you were told.  You may need to go no contact for your healing to progress, or at the least go low contact.  The more distance between you & your abusive parent, the better it is for your mental & physical health.  You’ll gain clarity you can’t have when in their presence often.  You also will stop functioning in survival mode, which will allow you to think of yourself for once rather than your parents.

 

The symptoms resulting from narcissistic abuse are nothing to take lightly.  Take care of yourself.  You deserve to be happy & healthy! xoxo

What Is Respect?

Growing up with narcissistic parents, you learn early on that to show respect means that you tolerate abuse, blindly obey & never talk back or confront your parents about the abuse they inflicted on you.  Since you are ignored & invalidated, you also knew that you are unworthy of this so-called respect.

 

The fact is though that none of this is real respect!  It is some mock version of respect narcissists teach their kids so they can justify their abuse.

 

If you too grew up with such a skewed view of respect, then it’s time to get a healthier perspective.

 

Respect should be mutual in a healthy relationship.  Both parties should care about each other & each other’s needs & feelings.

 

Respect is earned, not demanded.  My mother used to tell me that she demanded respect, which is entirely wrong!  A person can command respect with their actions, but demanding respect never works out well.  When a person is ordered to give someone respect, that person is immediately turned off to the demanding one.

 

There is absolutely nothing respectful about tolerating abuse.  Standing up for yourself shows that you have self-respect, that you care enough about yourself to want better & to know that you deserve better treatment.

 

Saying “no” can be a very respectful thing.  Allowing someone to have their way at all times shows that you have no self-respect.  Enforcing healthy boundaries however, shows you respect yourself.  It also shows that you care enough about the other person to want them to do better, because boundaries encourage good behavior.

 

 

 

Two Types Of Narcissists, Part 2 Covert Narcissists

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Handling People Who Don’t Believe You

So many people I talk to that have survived narcissistic abuse tell the same story about how people in their lives responded to them discussing the abuse.  They were met with invalidation (“It couldn’t have been that bad!”  “Other people had it way worse than you did.”), scolding (“How can you say those things about your own mother?!”), disbelief or being accused of being unforgiving or needing to “get over it”.

 

Especially in the early days of awareness of narcissism & learning what you went through really is abuse- you aren’t crazy or to blame like you were told- this sort of behavior is devastating.  The more you heal, the better you can handle it, but I don’t think it ever stops hurting at least some to be met with such indifference to your pain.  It can leave you bitter & angry if you allow it to.

 

In all fairness, you certainly have a right to be angry at people who say such things!  It’s heartless & hurtful!  So get angry!  Get it out of you so you can forgive.  You don’t deserve to live with that anger inside of you, stealing your joy!  Whether the other person deserves your forgiveness or asks for it is irrelevant.  You deserve better than carrying around anger inside of you!

 

That being said, there are other ways to cope.

 

Journalling is a wonderful thing. It is a completely safe way to get your feelings out, especially if you use a password protected journalling website.  This will help you to let go of all the negative feelings.

 

Focus on the positive.  Just because one person mistreated you doesn’t mean everyone will.  Appreciate your good friends & let them know you appreciate them!  What other good things are in your life?  Maybe start a gratitude journal- daily, write down at least 2 things you’re grateful for.

 

Accept the fact that not everyone will understand what you’ve been through.  In all honesty, narcissistic abuse can be hard to wrap your mind around, especially if you’ve never been exposed to it.  (Even if you’ve been through it, it’s hard to grasp!)  And sadly, some people have no desire to even try.  With people like this, it’s just smart not to discuss the topic of narcissism.  They won’t be convinced of anything you say because they lack the desire to understand.  When that wall is up, it stays up, & nothing you say can make a difference.  Stick to more neutral topics with this person, & if you need to discuss something you’ve been through, then seek out someone who understands.

Some Thoughts About No Contact

Once upon a time, no contact was a rare thing.  It only happened rarely, when the victim of an abuser was at the end of her rope after trying every possible solution she could think of.  This is no longer the case.

 

Today, relationships are much more disposable.  No contact is often preached as the only reasonable solution, no matter the situation.  Many victims are shamed if they are unwilling or unable to go no contact with their abusive parents or other family members.  Often, many who have opted to go no contact no longer see any alternative, especially when an abuser is a narcissist.

 

Unfortunately, what many people fail to realize is there are no “one size fits all” solutions especially when dealing with narcissists.  No contact is not always possible or the desired solution.  Some wish to get to that point but do not feel able to at the current time.  It depends a great deal on the individuals involved & their specific situation.  While I certainly believe no contact is a viable solution in many (well, most) situations, I have spoken with many who are unwilling or unable to go no contact.  They have shown me there is a great need for compassion & understanding for them.  I hope to help to create that with this post.

 

Narcissism is a spectrum disorder.  Some narcissists aren’t very high on the spectrum, exhibiting few narcissistic behaviors.  If someone is firm with their boundaries with those narcissists, chances are the narcissist will respect those boundaries, albeit grudgingly.  If someone acts the exact same way with a malignant narcissist instead, someone very high on the spectrum, chances are their results won’t be so good.  If a victim feels they can be firm & handle the lower on the spectrum narcissist, is it really necessary for that person to be shamed for maintaining a relationship if that is what they want to do?

 

Relationships shouldn’t be easily disposable.  To tell someone who recently learned about narcissism that she should “just go no contact”, especially if the narcissist in question is a parent, is ridiculous!  The victim needs to learn about narcissism & ways to cope with a narcissist, then try some possible ways to cope before deciding if no contact is the right solution.  Ending any relationship is an extreme move, & it shouldn’t be taken lightly.

 

There is also such a thing as filial piety in Asian cultures.  This means that the children care for their aging parents no matter the personal cost.  Not doing this can result in a ruined reputation or being ostracized, for daughters in particular.  It is unfair to shame those in this culture simply because you disagree with it.  Agree or not, it is a fact of life, & they need to handle the situation however they see fit.  They may need to implement low contact indefinitely to avoid the fallout of going complete no contact.  This means they need support, understanding & love to help them in this difficult situation.

 

While no contact is often the only solution when dealing with a narcissistic personality, it shouldn’t be the first solution that comes to mind.  It should be a last resort after other methods have been tried with no success.

Understanding Anger After Abuse

Growing up with narcissistic parents, you learn many things early in life that most people don’t, such as you aren’t allowed to have feelings.  Often if you are happy, a narcissistic parent will ask you what you have to be so happy about, shaming you into hiding your joy.  If you are sad, you’re told you don’t have anything to be sad about because other people have it way worse than you.  If you’re angry, you’re told you have a bad temper & are crazy.

 

Because of such things, you learn early on to ignore your emotions.  Stuff them down deep inside & pretend they aren’t there.  Eventually though, after years of doing this, enough is enough.  You can’t physically or mentally handle this stress any longer, & you have to start learning to express yourself.  It feels so strange at first.  Sometimes, I still feel like I’m waiting for some sort of backlash for sharing my emotions, because I’m doing something I learned as a child was absolutely wrong.  It has improved over time, but is still there to a degree.

 

I think though that anger is the hardest emotion to handle when you learn to share your emotions.  Aside from the messages of shame for feeling anger that you must get rid of, anger seems to have a mind of its own.

 

When first getting in touch with your anger, it may feel as if there is an infinite pit of it inside you, which is pretty scary.  You must realize that if you’ve been stuffing it inside you for your entire life, there is going to be a lot of anger in there to deal with.  There is an end to it all, but it’s going to take a while to deal with it all.

 

Also, when you’re not allowed to express anger, it comes up later, even years later.  I get angry with my parents for things that happened 30 years ago sometimes.  It makes me feel like I’m living too much in the past. It can be so frustrating!  Unfortunately it’s also very normal.  You can’t simply expel all of the anger you feel inside at once.  You mentally couldn’t handle that.  Instead, it comes out in manageable doses.  This means you’ll probably have to deal with an incident at a time.  Since narcissistic parents dole out such a great deal of abuse to their children over the course of their lives, there are obviously going to be many, many incidents to deal with, even going back to your very early life.  It’s an unfortunate & frustrating fact of being raised by narcissistic parents.

 

Sometimes the anger comes up later because you were so busy trying to survive the abuse that you didn’t have time to cope with it at the time.  I had a terrible relationship with my husband’s mother.  Then, my husband defended her to me which caused many problems in our marriage.  I had to fight with him as well as her, & didn’t really have time to process what was happening, because I was trying to survive both of them with my sanity in tact.  It wasn’t until I cut her out of my life that I could finally deal with the things she had done to me as well as the anger at my husband for taking her side no matter what she did.

 

You need to realize that all of these feelings are normal.

 

You also need to realize that you have a right to your anger.  Being abused isn’t fair.  No one deserves it!  You have every right to feel anger about that.

 

You have every right to learn to deal with your anger in a healthy way.  It’s well overdue.

 

There is nothing wrong with anger in & of itself, so please don’t buy into the lies you heard about that.  Anger is simply an emotion & emotions aren’t bad.  It’s what we do with that anger that can be bad.  Trying to get revenge on someone out of anger is bad, but feeling anger is not.  Anger is a good thing since it lets you know something is wrong.

 

I know anger is a very scary thing when you never learned how to handle it in healthy ways.  However, you can learn healthy ways to deal with it.  Prayer is the absolute best place to start, I believe. Ask God to show you what to do, how to handle it.  He certainly will answer that prayer!

Are You Oversensitive?

Something I’ve noticed about survivors of narcissistic abuse is many become very sensitive.  The smallest thing can hurt or devastate them.  It’s quite understandable, really.  After being verbally abused so much, they probably have reached their limit, & just can’t tolerate any more insults, invalidation, etc.

 

Unfortunately, they are often also very sad people, feeling abused or mistreated when no such thing was intended.

 

Does this describe you?  If so, then I urge you to consider making a change!

 

Try to remember to respond rather than react.  What I mean is stop for a moment before feeling or saying anything.  Think- did this person say something hurtful to you just after losing a loved one?  Being fired?  Stubbing their toe on the coffee table?  Then they aren’t trying to hurt you out of maliciousness- they’re in a bad mood.  It’s nothing personal!  Remind yourself it’s nothing personal- the person is just in a bad mood & you just happened to be there.  If you aren’t sure, then ask God to tell you the truth.  Is it you or is the other person having a bad day?

 

On the other hand, if the person is deliberately trying to hurt you & you know this, then you know what?  It’s also not personal.  This person has issues & for whatever reason, finds you a good victim.  You haven’t done anything to deserve this- the other person simply has problems.  I’ve reminded myself of this with my narcissistic mother repeatedly.  She got mad at me when a friend of hers complemented me once, & spent the rest of our time together making me miserable.  It hurt, but I reminded myself this is how she is!  She is so insecure, she can’t handle anyone in her presence getting any positive attention from anyone, so she will do her best to ruin the positive attention by being demeaning & hateful.

 

I know this can be hard to do with narcissists, but it does get easier in time.  The more you learn about NPD, the more you understand that they have big problems, & you are NOT one of them!  I’m speaking from experience- this really is true!  I feel like thanks to realizing my mother has problems, I’m a narcissistic abuse navy seal by now.  It takes quite a bit to phase me anymore.  After my mother spending hours & hours screaming at me, telling me what a horrible person I am, really, what else is there?!  A stranger flipping me off in traffic isn’t going to upset me for more than a moment.  Someone obviously hating me & trying to bully me?  Yea, whatever…. I’ve dealt with bigger & badder & survived.

 

Most of all, keep a good relationship with God as your top priority.  Know you can go to Him anytime, asking for help.  In fact, ask Him other ways to help you not to take things so personally.

 

If you’re over sensitive, then there isn’t something wrong with you.  It’s just proof you’ve been through way too much pain.  But, you deserve better than going through life hurt all of the time just because someone acted insensitively to you!  Please, for your own sake, Dear Reader, try to put into practice what I’ve mentioned here.  Your life can be much happier for it!

Why Are Victims Supposed To Fix The Abusive Relationship?

Why is it when someone has either set boundaries in or ended an abusive relationship, people try to convince that person to “forgive & forget” or “be the bigger person” & fix the relationship?  Have you noticed how commonplace this is?  Think about it…

 

If a daughter in-law is constantly belittled by her mother in-law, she is told to be the bigger person.  Let it go.  She is only trying to help by criticizing everything about you!

 

If your abusive parents have been out of your life for some time, then they become ill or worse are dying, chances are someone is going to tell you that you need to make things right with your parents.  You need to be there for them & take care of them!  You owe your parents that much!

 

A wife whose husband has beaten or raped her is told to forgive him since he was drunk.  He didn’t know what he was doing.  Stop making a mountain out of a molehill!

 

This is a major pet peeve of mine.  It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to expect an innocent victim to repair an abusive relationship.  Why don’t people tell abusers to fix the relationship instead?  Why not tell them to stop abusing?!

 

I think some people simply don’t want to face the fact that there is a lot of ugliness in the world.  They prefer to think everything is unicorns & rainbows, when nothing could be further from the truth.  Anything that interrupts their ignorance is met with denial or even hostility.

 

Some people, flying monkeys in particular, don’t want to believe that a person could be so bad.  Maybe they know the abuser & have seen the “good person” show that he or she puts on.  They would prefer to believe that facade is the real person, not the vicious, devious, abusive monster who has hurt you.

 

When this happens to you (& sadly it will at some point), it’s going to hurt.  It’s going to make you angry.  This is only natural since this type of thing is triggering & painful.  You can cope, however.

 

If you see the conversation you’re in is taking this turn, then end it.  Change the subject.  Say you won’t discuss this topic with this person.  Walk away if you must or hang up the phone.

 

Don’t buy into that “you need to be the bigger person” nonsense.  You didn’t cause the damage, you don’t need to fix the damage.  Fix only what you broke & apologize if you hurt people.  Take responsibility for things you have done wrong only.

 

And really.. how is it a good thing to stay in an abusive relationship anyway?!  Not only does that take a toll on your physical & mental health, but it encourages the abusive person to be abusive!  While no one can make an abuser become a kind, Godly person, setting boundaries sets the stage for that person to change their abusive behavior.  That is truly loving, Godly behavior!  Tolerating abuse from anyone is NOT!

 

Rather than listening to that drivel about being the bigger person, do what you know God wants you to do.  Stick to your boundaries.  Don’t be bullied or manipulated into allowing an abusive person back into your life.  Surround yourself with good, loving, Godly people who understand, love & support you.

 

 

Sloppy Narcissists

Many narcissists are incredibly sloppy.  Their homes & cars are dirty & disorganized.  There are several possible reasons for this.

 

Often, overt narcissists feel they are above doing mundane chores such as washing their car or cleaning their home.  They expect their parent or spouse to take care of such trivial matters.  Covert narcissists will do these things in order to show their lowly status so you will pity them.  See what their overtly narcissistic spouse makes them do??  Poor covert narcissist…

 

Overt narcissists also enjoy the power trip of making someone else clean up after them.  They enjoy the feeling of power they get from making anyone do or feel anything, quite frankly, & having someone clean up after them is just a part of that.  Power in any form equals narcissistic supply.

 

Being messy means people don’t want to come into your personal space.  This can work well for the covert narcissist since they are often more introverted than their extroverted counterpart, the overt narcissist.

 

It can be a show of dominant behavior if someone is messy in another person’s space.  It shows that the narcissist is taking over someone else’s space or is exercising dominance over the space.  My ex husband was incredibly sloppy around our home & cars even knowing how much it bothered me.  He said he didn’t mind the mess, which obviously was all that mattered to him.  No amount of begging & pleading would make him stop being a slob.  Looking back, I believe it was simply a way of extending his dominance.  Also, my mother was a terrible housekeeper when I was a kid.  It bothered my father.  So much so, he once had me ask her to clean the house for my birthday gift (the result was her screaming at me & the house stayed filthy.  He never acknowledged how wrong it was to put me in this position).    I believe this was her way of dominating the home as well as her attitude of being above doing housework.

 

If you’re in a relationship with a messy, sloppy narcissist, make no mistake, it has a purpose.  Everything narcissists do has a purpose, which includes being slobs.  If you’re frustrated by this, that is supply for the narcissist.

 

Unfortunately I have yet to find any way to deal with this behavior successfully.  All I can tell you is to pray about it & ask God for wisdom & creative ways to deal with the situation.  And, remember, it’s ultimately narcissistic supply, so provide as little as possible.  Respond, don’t react.  Hide your anger or hurt in their presence.  The less supply you provide a narcissist, the greater the chance that person will get bored with attempting to upset or control you.

 

A Bump In The Road Of Healing

When you grow up with narcissistic parents, it affects you deeply & in ways you aren’t even aware of.  The chaos, abuse & manipulations are simply normal to you.  Thank God He teaches us about Narcissistic Personality Disorder so we can get away from that dysfunction!

 

As you learn about narcissistic abuse & heal from it, naturally you change a great deal.  While becoming healthier, you see things differently.  You finally understand just how wrong so many things your parents taught you were.  It’s empowering, this learning & growing, but something comes along with it that can be difficult.  Constant reminders.

 

Some time ago, I realized that it seemed like everything reminded me of something awful about my relationship with my parents.  For example, after becoming deathly sick in 2015, seeing families rallying around a sick family member can bring me to tears.  I never told my parents what happened, because I know they would turn the situation back to them rather than care how I was, & it hurts!  Reminders that others have loving parents brings that awful thought back to the forefront of my mind, & depresses me.  Other times, I’ve seen reports on TV about a murdered person, & their grieving loved ones talk tearfully about what a wonderful person he or she was.  I know if I died, my parents wouldn’t miss me in the least, but instead would enjoy the narcissistic supply they could get by portraying themselves as the grieving parents.

 

These things began to happen after I got sick in 2015.  I chalked it up to the head injury & carbon monoxide poisoning I received at the time since both are known for changing a person’s personality.  Somehow that didn’t feel right though.  I prayed & God showed me what was happening.

 

The more a person heals from parental narcissistic abuse, the less they see things through the fog of gaslighting thrust on them.  The clarity means they understand how things should be, not as their narcissistic parents say they are.  Seeing healthy, normal situations is simply a reminder of how things were not when they were growing up.  Unfortunately the reminders can hurt a great deal.

 

Realizing your parents are narcissists is a painful experience, partly because of the grief that is involved.  You grieve the fact your parents never loved you, weren’t & will never be there for you, & even can’t be the kind of parents you would like them to be.  (I personally believe this is a lifelong grief, although it gets easier over time.)  It’s much like when someone you love dies- the initial grief can be debilitating, but in time it mellows to something more tolerable, only occasionally bringing you to tears when something reminds you of your loved one.  I remember right after my granddad died.. one day my husband & I ended up following a car that looked identical to his.  I cried because seeing that car made me miss him.  Almost 14 years later, I still shed some tears if I see a car like his last one or even vaguely like it.  Seeing something that reminds you of what your parents did or didn’t do for you can be like that- a sad & painful reminder.

 

If you are experiencing something like this, then Dear Reader, know you aren’t alone & you aren’t broken. I know it’s frustrating & painful, but I firmly believe it’s completely normal under the circumstances.  All you can do is understand these things happen, be gentle with yourself when they do & pray, pray, pray!  God will help you to get through!  Let Him do that for you!  xoxo

My New YouTube Channel

Well, finally I did it, Dear Reader!  I started my YouTube channel.  After much anxiety & prayer & distractions, it’s now ready to go.  🙂

 

It’s now available at:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCyHVkrFotB51_ZKqh7BqAXg

Consequences & Narcissistic Parents

Proverbs 19:19  “A man of great anger will bear the penalty [for his quick temper and lack of self-control];
For if you rescue him [and do not let him learn from the consequences of his action], you will only have to rescue him over and over again.”  (AMP)

 

Consequences are a valuable thing.  They teach people what is & is not acceptable behavior, what is safe & not safe & more.  Many children of narcissistic parents are not taught this in a healthy way, however.

 

Narcissistic parents teach their children to take care of them, instead of the natural order of things, the parent caring for the child.  One way they expect their children to take care of them is to interrupt the natural event of consequences for their actions.

 

• If the narcissistic parent hurts the child’s feelings, the child is to hold the pain inside rather than tell the parent how she feels to protect the parent’s feelings.
• The child should never set boundaries of any sort with her parent, so the parent is free to abuse anytime, any way she is so inclined.
• Most of all, the child never, ever should tell anyone about what her parent does to her.  That way, no one thinks badly of the parent or gets her in any trouble for child abuse.

 

As the child of a narcissistic parent grows up, they get fed up with such nonsense, & rightfully so.  It’s not fair this abusive, evil parent skates through life unscathed while her child suffers constantly.

 

If you’re in this place, Dear Reader, I want you to know that you have ever right to stop protecting your parent from the consequences of their actions.  It’s Biblical to allow consequences to happen- just reread the above mentioned Scripture again if you don’t believe that.  You have every right to set healthy boundaries & to tell your parent that her actions are not acceptable to you.    In fact, you even have the right to go no contact with your parent if you are so inclined.  Titus 3:10 says, “After a first and second warning reject a divisive man [who promotes heresy and causes dissension—ban him from your fellowship and have nothing more to do with him],” (AMP)  Parents are not excluded from this Scripture, I believe, because God knows that sometimes, even a parent/child relationship comes down to needing that separation.

 

So Dear Reader, please don’t forget that your parent needs consequences for their actions.  It is NOT your job to protect them from consequences.  They need them if they are to have any chance of learning to behave better.

Feeling Sorry For Narcissists

I feel a degree of pity for narcissists, even the ones who have tried to destroy me.  It’s so sad to me that they felt they had to resort to behaving so horribly to cope with the pain in their lives or their insecurities.  It’s sad how afraid so many are & everything they do is out of that fear.  It’s sad that they waste their entire lives being angry, bitter, hateful & pushing away those closest to them.  Many are even full of anger, bitterness & hate on their death beds.  These people live pathetic lives not knowing what it is like to love, really love.  What lonely, empty, superficial lives they live.

 

This being said, it certainly doesn’t mean I think narcissists deserve a free pass to abuse.  Being abused is NOT an excuse to abuse others!  Being abusive is a choice, not a consequence of experiencing abuse!  If you don’t believe me, consider this example: your narcissistic mother ignores your requests to change her behavior so she doesn’t hurt you.  She clearly is opting to continue abusing you, isn’t she?

 

The pain in their pasts also doesn’t negate your pain.  Please never tell yourself that it’s OK- the narcissist had a hard life too or they had it harder than you did.  It’s not OK!   Never invalidate your own pain!  You don’t deserve that!  You were no doubt invalidated enough by your narcissistic parent- don’t do it to yourself too!  Invalidation is abuse, no matter who does it, even when you do it to yourself.  It has the potential for causing a victim all kinds of problems- bad coping skills, low self-esteem, guilt, shame, placing the needs of others before yourself even when you are in crisis, & even Borderline Personality Disorder.  Don’t do this to yourself!  It is very possible to feel sorry for your narcissistic parent while not trivializing or invalidating your pain.

 

Why pity narcissists?  They are horrible people, right?  Honestly, I don’t think it’s necessary to pity narcissists to heal.  Some people think it’s foolishness, in fact.  And this works fine for them.  There is nothing wrong with that thinking.

 

For me, however, feeling that degree of pity that I do for narcissists enables me to pray for them.

 

The Bible tells us to pray for our enemies…

 

Matthew 5:43-48  “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor (fellow man) and hate your enemy.’ 44 “But I say to you, [a]love [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for] your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may [show yourselves to] be the children of your Father who is in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on those who are evil and on those who are good, and makes the rain fall on the righteous [those who are morally upright] and the unrighteous [the unrepentant, those who oppose Him]. 46 For if you love [only] those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do that? 47 And if you greet only your brothers [wishing them God’s blessing and peace], what more [than others] are you doing? Do not even the Gentiles [who do not know the Lord] do that? 48 You, therefore, will be perfect [growing into spiritual maturity both in mind and character, actively integrating godly values into your daily life], as your heavenly Father is perfect.”  (AMP)

 

Praying for those who hurt you isn’t an option if you wish to live a holy, Christian life.  It also isn’t easy.  In fact, praying for someone who hurt you is hard enough, but praying for someone who tried to destroy you is a thousand times harder.

 

God dealt with me a couple of years ago about praying for my parents & in-laws.  I didn’t feel able to do it.  My parents & mother in-law were incredibly cruel to me, & frankly I didn’t much care about any of them.  Once I started thinking about them, I felt some pity for them.  My mother was abused by her mother, which is why she turned narcissistic I believe.  My father wasn’t abused, but had a terrible traumatic brain injury at only 15 that I believe may be at the root of his narcissism.  His behavior changed after it.  That TBI has given him many health problems.  My mother in-law had a very sad upbringing & many difficult years married to my father in-law.  Thinking about such things plus the other things I have mentioned above their behavior has caused stirred up pity in me for them.  I now pray for my parents & in-laws daily, & even set up reminders on my cell phone so I don’t forget.  Not knowing what they need specifically, I simply ask God to save them, meet all of their needs & bless them.  Praying this way I hope has been a blessing to them, but at the very least, it feels good to me.  It shows me that try as they might, they haven’t destroyed my good heart.

 

Feeling pity for narcissists isn’t always necessary & certainly isn’t easy.  However, it can benefit you by enabling you to pray for them.

 

 

Comparing Experiences Isn’t Good For Victims

Many victims of abuse downplay what they have been through.  Maybe you’ve even done it yourself, saying things like, “What I went through wasn’t nearly as bad as what you did!”  “At least my mother didn’t beat me!”  “It wasn’t so bad…” “My uncle only raped me that one time, & he was drunk…It wasn’t really his fault..”

 

The simple fact is though, that abuse is abuse.  There is really no point in comparing your situation to someone else’s.  Yet, victims do it often.

 

Many victims of psychological & narcissistic abuse were abused mentally but not physically or sexually.  They often believe because there was “only” mental abuse, it wasn’t so bad.  Psychological abuse doesn’t leave visible scars, which means many people don’t think it’s as bad as physical or sexual abuse.  This is completely untrue!  All abuse causes pain & damages a person’s mental health.

 

Often abusers have their victims completely convinced that they are so incredibly unworthy, that they don’t even deserve sympathy, understanding or pity for the pain they have survived.   The lower a person’s self-esteem, the easier a person is to control, so obliterating self-esteem is a very preferred tool of all types of abusers.

 

Also, narcissists love to blame their victims.  It doesn’t matter if you were absolutely 1,000% not responsible for the problem, they will still find a way to blame you.  One year while working in the yard with my husband, he dropped a very heavy log on my foot, which broke my toe.  My mother blamed me for him dropping the log on my foot!

 

Narcissists love to flaunt to their victims that they care about someone else’s suffering & not yours.  If you experience the exact same thing as someone else, the narcissist will offer sympathy for that person while simultaneously letting you know they couldn’t care less about your problem.  For example, in 2010, one of my cats passed away suddenly.  Within a couple of days of losing her, my parents’ neighbors’ small dog passed away.  My mother shed tears over the dog’s death, telling me how wonderful she was.  Yet, when I told her about my cat, she responded with “Oh well.. at least you don’t have anyone sick anymore” then she changed the subject.  This type of behavior makes a victim feel like anything they experience isn’t a big deal, yet what other people experience, even if it’s exactly what the victim is going through, is worthy of sympathy.

 

Narcissists also are professionals at invalidating their victims.  After enough invalidation, you learn that you don’t deserve any validation.  Nothing that happens to you is a big deal, & everyone else is much more important than you are.

 

If any or all of this sounds all too familiar to you, you need to know something.  Dear Reader, what you went through was bad.  The worst.  No one should have to suffer any type of abuse!  There is no comparison between you & anyone else.  Every situation is different, & every person is different.  It’s completely unfair to say someone else had it worse than you because of those differences.

 

Instead of comparing, how about validating your experiences to yourself?  It’s OK & even healthy to admit that they were bad.  In fact, if you hope to heal, then you need to admit & accept how bad things were.  Once you do that, you can grieve or get angry or whatever you need to do to process what happened to you.  Acceptance is an important first step.

 

If you’re having trouble validating your experiences, try thinking about things from a little different perspective.  If someone you love came to you & told you their story that was just like yours, would you tell the person it was no big deal?  Would you tell that person someone else had it worse, so they need to just get over it?  Or, would you hug the person, say what they experienced was wrong, & try to help them cope?  Guessing you would do the right thing & be there for that person.  If you’d be good & understanding for someone else, then why can’t you do it for yourself?

 

If you’re having trouble being that good to yourself, then I would urge you to start praying.  Ask God why you aren’t being that good to yourself.  Let Him help you to see what the problem is, & help you to fix it.  Also don’t forget to ask Him to help you to learn to validate yourself while you’re at it.

 

Are You Ashamed Of Past Mistakes?

Many adult children of narcissistic parents battle with shame.  These awful parents raise their children to be full of shame about everything about themselves.  Unfortunately this carries well into adulthood.

 

One area many adult children of narcissistic parents feel tremendous shame in is their younger days, when they may have done unwise things such as marry a narcissist.  I understand, as when I look back, I have a hard time believing I did such stupid things once.

 

The thing that we all need to remember though is the things we did that we aren’t proud of were done by someone who didn’t know any better.  Someone who was still in the fog of narcissistic abuse, & therefore unable to make good, healthy decisions.  How could anyone make good, healthy decisions when they firmly believe they are stupid, unlovable, worthless & more?  It’s impossible!

 

I look back at when I met then later married my ex husband & am amazed at myself.  He was nothing like the kind of man I find attractive at all.  He was narcissistic even at age 16 when we first met.  Yet, I stood up to my mother for him repeatedly, even as terrified of her as I was, & took repeated emotional beatings from her because of him.  Why??  He wasn’t worth it!  He wasn’t good to me.  But, at first he told me the things I was starved to hear, such as I was smart & beautiful.  It’s embarrassing how desperate I was for such things, & what I did to get them.  However, I know now my awful behavior wasn’t because I was a bad person or stupid or any of the other things my mother said I was.  It was because I had no self-esteem because of being subjected to daily narcissistic abuse.

 

When you look back over your life & feel ashamed of the things you have done, Dear Reader, please remember that you too have nothing to be ashamed of!   Narcissistic abuse does terrible things to people, especially when they are children & the narcissist in question is a parent.  It causes those children to make bad choices & do foolish things.  That is NOT the fault of the children.  Forgive yourself for the things you did.  It’s OK that you made some mistakes.  Everyone makes mistakes, especially when raised by narcissistic parents.  The important thing is  now you know better.