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As open as I try to be about my experience with narcissists, I have kept a few things private, partly due to the fact I haven’t felt the timing was right to discuss them. One of those things I feel it’s time to discuss it in the hopes this story will help some of you.
Several years ago, I was pretty close with someone. As time wore on, I began to see some signs that she was a narcissist. I wasn’t sure how to deal with the situation. We knew many of the same people, & every single one thought so well of her. I knew it’d be miserable for me when I went no contact with her because of them telling me what a great person she is, etc. I also knew her well enough to know if I went no contact, she would do her best to make my life miserable.
I began to pull away some, to help me think of how to handle things & to implement the Gray Rock method (basically, providing her no narcissistic supply so she got bored with me). During this time, something happened that ended our friendship.
I did something she didn’t approve of & she felt I tried to make her look bad when that wasn’t the case. She immediately unfriended me on Facebook, then tried to re-friend me. We exchanged a couple of messages, then I refused her friend’s request & blocked her. She tried contacting me via other means. She emailed, texted & tried reaching me via all sorts of social media. She left bad reviews for two of my books on amazon & on my website. When I blocked her from accessing my website, she used another person’s computer to access it. She copied an article I wrote on forgiveness & pasted it into an email she sent me. It gave me the chills.. I felt she was saying not only that I needed to forgive her, but also that I couldn’t stop her from accessing me if she wanted to. NOT normal behavior!
During the early stages of this, I only told my husband & one other person we both knew about the situation. I was sure if I told others who told her what I said about her, she would get even angrier at me. I could imagine her saying I was lying or trying to ruin her relationships or something like that. I finally talked to the police, & unfortunately in my state, she didn’t technically break the law with her harassment. That meant there was nothing I could do legally.
Meanwhile, I was afraid she’d show up at my home one day, even though she lived about three hours away. She seemed clearly mentally unbalanced to me, judging by her behavior. My husband said she wouldn’t go that far. The mutual friend of ours said the same, & that she’s just hurt- she’ll get bored & leave me be soon.
This harassment went on constantly for well over a year, then died down gradually. It’s been four years since it started. Recently, this person did more things.
Unfortunately, this type of behavior is very common among narcissists.
When you decide to go no contact or have an argument with a narcissist, you too may be on the receiving end of a narcissistic rage. If this happens, you need to be prepared for it.
Possibly the most common tool used by narcissists in a rage is flying monkeys. (If you click on the link in the previous sentence, it’ll take you to a helpful post I wrote on the topic.) Sometimes though, when the narcissist knows she’s wrong, she won’t use them, like in my situation. There really wasn’t a way to spin the situation I was in around to where she looked like the victim, so people might not be on her side. She had to handle the situation herself. When this happens, it can be really bad, as you saw from my story.
If you’re in a situation similar to mine, you need to protect yourself. Talk to your local police. Stalking laws vary from place to place, & you need to find out if your narcissist has broken the law.
Document every single thing. Save voicemail messages. Take screenshots. Save emails & texts, preferably by emailing them to yourself & save them on your ISP or cloud storage to protect yourself against computer or phone crashes. Even if your narcissist hasn’t broken the law, she may at some point. Then, you will have evidence of her bad behavior to show the police & that can help your case. Personally I have TONS of evidence in case it’s ever needed.
Ignore, ignore, ignore! I know this is hard. I wanted to confront my narcissist & tell her to leave me alone countless times. However, a narcissist will take confronting as proof that she is scaring or upsetting you- that will encourage her to do what she’s doing even more. Never let her know if you feel afraid or upset. Ignore her completely whenever possible. If she knocks on your door, don’t answer even if she knows you’re home. Post “no trespassing” signs on your land. Don’t take her calls or respond to emails or texts.
Think about the people you have in common. If you’re not 1,000% sure they will be on your side & keep what you say to themselves, don’t tell them about her actions. The last thing you need is someone telling the narcissist you’re talking about her. That will be a narcissistic injury. She’ll take it as you talking badly about her & for no reason. That will add to her rage & make her behavior even worse.
Narcissists can be very dangerous people, so never, ever underestimate them. They may present themselves as harmless, but they’re not. I never expected the one in my story capable of harassing me for so long. Look how wrong I was!
Most of all, pray. As God for wisdom on how to handle this difficult situation. Ask Him for strength & courage, as well as protection for you, your family, your home, your job.. anything & everything you can think of. Trust in Him to keep you safe & help you to survive this situation. He truly will!
Narcissists love to put their issues on other people rather than face them. Shame is a big one- any shame a narcissistic parent feels is going to be thrust upon their child, for example.
After a lifetime of not even realizing I was carrying around my mother’s shame, it finally hit me in 2015. As I was recovering from carbon monoxide poisoning, I felt horrible for asking my husband to help me in any way. I’d nearly died for pity’s sake! Carbon monoxide poisoning has a high fatality rate & also has a very long recovery time (you do the bulk of your healing 9-12 months after poisoning) during which chances are very good you won’t heal completely. Yet in spite of all of this, I felt horrible for asking my husband for any help. After praying about it, God showed me this was all about shame. It’s very common for those abused as children to experience toxic shame, & I was no exception.
One way God showed me to deal with this shame is to imagine myself holding a big box containing shame, handing it off to my mother while telling her “I refuse to carry this for you a moment longer”, then walking away.
It sounds silly, but this was very helpful for me. Even though I can’t physically give my mother back her shame that she’s put on me, by imagining returning it to her, at least I was able to stop carrying it somehow. It’d be the same as a real scenario if she wouldn’t hold the box. If I placed it at her feet, I wouldn’t be carrying it any longer. What she would do at that point would have no effect on that fact.
I can’t say I am 100% cured of this toxic shame, but it drastically improved my problem. I no longer feel incredibly guilty about writing about my experiences or asking my husband for things (either stuff or help), & these used to be very big issues for me. I still fight the guilt with my husband sometimes, but that’s better than every single time.
Have you ever tried something like this, Dear Reader? It doesn’t have to be shame.. it can be anything your narcissistic parent put on you- self-hatred, eating disorders, believing you’re ugly or stupid. Obviously I can’t guarantee it’ll cure you immediately, but I do believe it’d help you as it helped me. It’s worth a try, right?
A recent conversation with my husband gave me an interesting revelation.
He said when I talk about the traumatic things I’ve been through, it’s almost always what my parents did rather than how I feel or how things affected me. He’s right. I immediately chalked that up to having C-PTSD. The disorder means sometimes I have to talk things to death to come to some sort of terms with them. However, I felt there was something I wasn’t realizing about this. God revealed to me what it is.
Surviving growing up with narcissistic parents instills a need for constant validation in a person. That is why I talk more about the things they did rather than my feelings. I can handle my feelings just fine on my own. What I need help with is understanding exactly how bad my parents have been to me.
When you’re raised by narcissists, your reality is much different than real reality. In my case, I learned my mother was always right & should get whatever she wants even if that means hurting me. I learned my father is very helpless, & couldn’t do anything to take care of me or protect me from my mother’s abuse. I also learned very early in life that my parents’ emotional needs were my responsibility. I was to have no needs or feelings of my own since that could be a distraction from them & their needs & feelings.
Pretty messed up, huh?
Thankfully, as an adult, I’ve learned how wrong, dysfunctional & abusive these things are. Even so, I still battle them to a degree simply because these beliefs were very deeply instilled in me. If I tell someone about some awful thing my parents did to me & they get angry & say things like, “That was terrible! It was wrong to do that to you!” their outrage helps to validate my pain & tear down those false beliefs. An objective third party seeing that they were wrong & I wasn’t to blame (as I always was with my parents), is a huge help to me!
Are you like me? When you discuss the abuse, do you discuss more about the events than how you feel about them? Or, do you seek validation frequently by asking people if your perception or feelings are OK? If so, know there is nothing wrong with you, even though it may feel that way. It’s just one more thing that narcissistic abuse can cause in a person. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Accept it for what it is, & ask God to help you heal.
Lately, I’ve been having a problem. I’ve been doubting myself. A LOT. Am I really doing God’s will by writing about narcissism? Am I even writing the things He wants me to write about? Is my information accurate? Am I wrong for being no contact with my parents, even though I know beyond a doubt that relationship would’ve killed me from stress?
God taught me some interesting things while praying about all of this. I think what He taught me can help at least some of you too.
For one thing, this doubt is normal under the circumstances. As God reminded me, I’ve had a lifetime of my parents force-feeding me their views & allowing me no room for freedom of my own. Even fighting it & forming my own, their views will still pop up sometimes, but it will stop in time. Doubting what I write about is normal since my mother used to scream about how I shouldn’t “air our dirty laundry” every time she even suspected I was talking about her abuse. No doubt you’ve been through something similar with your narcissistic mother, Dear Reader. When you find you doubt yourself, that may be what’s happening to you too. You can’t expect a lifetime of programming to vanish quickly. It takes a while! I’ve noticed it happens much less frequently with me than it did even a year ago. I can’t say I’m delivered from self doubt, but I know I’m well on my way.
I also learned that if you ask God to send you confirmations, He doesn’t mess around! lol A couple of days ago, I asked Him to show me if I’m on the right track, & it’s been interesting since! At first, it was a ton of memes on Facebook that spoke directly to me. Then, my father called.. six times in two minutes to be precise. (I didn’t answer of course. My call block lets blocked numbers ring once, then it hangs up on them, which is only long enough for the number to register on the caller ID. That’s how I knew he called). It hit me how that is just like him- he wants to talk to me so that is all that matters to him. The fact I have no desire to talk to him doesn’t matter- only his wants matter. This sort of thing has happened so many times prior to me going no contact. He’d call repeatedly when I wasn’t home or was very busy, & when we later spoke, he was upset I didn’t answer his call. Not being home wasn’t a good enough excuse & neither was having a life. Thinking of this was all good for me to remind me why I’m no contact!
Then, I got a wonderful note telling me how much my work has changed someone’s life. That was an incredible blessing! I do what I do to help people, & hearing that because of my writing, someone’s life was drastically improved made my day! Well, more like month! It was also a good confirmation that I’m doing God’s will.
The icing on the cake however was this Scripture that God brought to my attention this morning. Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (NIV) It was such a wonderful reminder that my pain wasn’t in vain- that God can use even the worst & most painful circumstances for good. Joseph spoke these words to his brothers. If all he suffered could count for something, our pain can as well!
Aside from bragging about the goodness of God, I wanted to share this with you to encourage you, Dear Reader. I know first hand how hard it can be sometimes when self doubts kick in. It can make you feel wrong, bad or even crazy. I want to encourage you to do as I did- talk to God about it. He is so patient & loving, wanting to help & encourage you when you need it! Look at all He did for me when all I did was ask for a little help! Pretty cool stuff, I think! He can & will do the same for you!
Triggers are things that remind you of something else. Sometimes, they can be good such as the sound of whipped cream being sprayed from that can reminds me of my late kitty, Delta, who loved it & would do a little dance for a spray of whipped cream.
Often though, when you come from an abusive past, triggers aren’t so nice. Certain scents, sights, sounds or situations can take you right back to a traumatic event, making you feel like that scared child you once were.
Triggers are easy to understand when they are obvious. The scent of a perfume that your abusive mother wore when you were a child or a cruel nickname that your father called you are obvious. Not all triggers are so obvious though.
Some triggers appear to have absolutely nothing to do with why you feel the way you do. Those triggers are what we’re going to talk about today.
Some triggers on the surface seem innocuous, yet you end up feeling just as bad as you did as a child in a traumatic situation. Talking to someone who shows no empathy may enrage you because it makes you feel like it did when you were growing up with your narcissistic parent, for example.
When this happens, it can be confusing. Having a strong reaction to something that isn’t really a big deal can make you wonder about your sanity. It’s a horrible feeling, but it can be dealt with.
As soon as you can, go somewhere where you can be alone & pray. Ask God to show you what is going on, what’s the root of this feeling? He will show you, & from there, you can begin to heal. It may be something that you thought was small, but apparently it wasn’t since it’s still causing you problems. Or, it may be a big, ongoing issue. Either way, once you know what the problem is, then ask Him to help you to heal & show you what you need to do in order to heal. Write your experiences & feelings in a journal. Talk with a therapist or trusted friend. Work on this however helps you, & the trigger will lose its power.
There are two types of narcissistic mothers- ignoring & engulfing.
As the name implies. the ignoring narcissistic mother ignores her child. The child’s interests, needs, & feelings mean virtually nothing to the mother. She may meet her child’s basic needs for food, clothing & shelter, but it is done grudgingly. Other needs such as teaching & nurturing aren’t met. The ignoring narcissistic mother simply doesn’t want to be bothered with her child.
Engulfing narcissistic mothers are the polar opposites of ignoring narcissistic mothers. They are deeply involved in every aspect of their child’s life. They control how their child dresses, the child’s interests & even friendships (if friends are allowed, that is). Engulfing narcissistic mothers see their child as an extension of themselves, so they do their best to mold them into what they want the child to be. What their child wants is of absolutely no importance. This is the type of mother I grew up with. I wasn’t allowed to choose my own clothes even in high school- my mother had to approve everything. I wasn’t allowed to spend time away from her other than at school or work, & even then, she would often spend my lunch hours with me during my last two years of high school. Everything about me was scrutinized & criticized.
Both ignoring & engulfing narcissistic mothers also get upset as their children get complements. Narcissists are known for being incredibly envious, especially when it comes to their children. When their child is complemented, they will tell the child the person was lying or reasons why the complement was wrong. Narcissistic parents do NOT want their children to feel good about themselves even for a moment. The worse a child’s self-esteem, the easier that child is to control.
Once the child of an engulfing narcissistic mother gets older, big problems really begin. As a child grows up & naturally becomes more independent, narcissistic mothers take this as a betrayal. They want their children to stay young & obedient forever. Growing up is unacceptable, & narcissistic mothers often act like their child is doing it simply to hurt them. Ignoring narcissistic mothers seem to be more relieved that their child is no longer their responsibility anymore, although some do get angry their child is becoming an adult & harder to control.
Once the child becomes an adult, engulfing narcissistic mothers continue to try to be engulfing. They try to monopolize their adult child’s time, even if the child has a spouse & kids. They demand their child spend holidays, birthdays & special occasions with them. They demand their child frequently visit them.
Ignoring narcissistic mothers often carry their lack of interest in their child into the child’s adulthood. They often even show little to no interest in their grandchildren. Or, they may show some interest in them until the grandchild is old enough to start forming her own likes, dislikes, opinions & personality.
Interestingly, often narcissistic mothers swing back & forth between ignoring & engulfing. This is especially confusing for their child because of the very mixed signals they send.
Both types of narcissistic mothers create a great deal of pain for their children. My mother was an engulfing mother & her mother was ignoring. She used to tell me how she always knew her mother never wanted her, from the moment she found out she was pregnant with my mother. She worked her entire life trying to gain her mother’s approval, which never happened. Heartbreaking, isn’t it? Yet, my mother went on to go in the complete opposite direction with me, which caused me awful anxiety, low self-esteem, C-PTSD & more that I still live with even in my mid 40’s.
Whichever type of narcissistic mother you had, I hope this post reminds you that she was the problem, not you. Nothing you did or didn’t do could have made her treat you as she did. xoxo
A couple of years ago, two of my wonderful readers told me about the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (aka MBTI) personality test. Since, I’ve become utterly fascinated with it!
This test gives you a four letter description of your personality. I found it to be incredibly accurate for myself & my husband. Here is the link if you want to try it: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
While I realize not everyone is as fascinated with psychology & what makes people “tick” as I am, I still recommend taking the test & learning as much as you can about your personality. This is especially important to survivors of narcissistic abuse, I believe.
Whether the narcissist in your life was a parent, sibling or spouse, narcissists do a tremendous amount of damage, as you no doubt know all too well. One thing they all try their best to do to their victims is to turn the victim into what they want that person to be. Narcissists want victims to lose their natural, God given personality & become someone pleasing to the narcissist. Before you realize that is happening, chances are you lost a lot of yourself thanks to the narcissist.
Learning about your personality type can help you to regain the part of you that was lost. It also can help you to learn about things you never understood about yourself. For example, I always thought I was weird. I’ve been told it often enough! I constantly try to understand people’s motivations & solutions to problems, when many people don’t bother with such things. My mother used to criticize me as a child for “always thinking” because of this. I took that to mean that something was wrong with me. Once I learned of my personality type, I learned that there isn’t something wrong with me. It’s just my natural personality, which happens to be the rarest one.
Another benefit of learning about personality types can happen when you learn the types of those in your life. Since I learned my husband’s type, I understand him even better now than I did before he took the test. And, as a bonus- he got interested in learning about his type as well so he’s developed a better understanding of himself.
Dear Reader, I hope you will take the test & learn about your personality & those of your loved ones as well. The test only takes a few minutes & is free, but it can be very beneficial.
Children need to believe that their parents love them. Normally, this is a very good thing, since most parents do love their children. When the child’s parent is a narcissist, however, this is NOT a good thing!
Because of this need, abused children will make excuses for their parent abusing them. I did – I told myself my mother loved me which is why she was “overprotective” rather than admitting she controlled my every move.
Children also will come up with reasons why the abuse was their fault, not the parent’s, taking all the blame while the parent gets away with abusing the child. The child will think that she needs to get better grades in school, be better behaved, etc. to please the parent, so the parent doesn’t have to abuse her anymore. Children don’t realize that narcissists are impossible to please, & will abuse their child even if the child is 100% perfect.
Some parents are actively abusive – they mentally, physically &/or sexually abuse their child – while others are more passive in their abuse, standing by quietly while the other parent obviously abuses the child. Passive abusers also do not care about the child’s pain, & often will turn the active abuser onto the child if that person is mad at the passive abuser, simply to distract them. If a child has one actively abusive parent & one passively abusive one, the need to believe that her parents love her will cloud her discernment greatly. Even if she comes to realize that the actively abusive parent is abusive, it will take much longer to realize the passively abusive one is equally abusive. The desperation to believe that at least one parent loves her will make the child think that the passive abusive parent loves her because at least that parent isn’t verbally, physically or sexually abusing her. The child also may make excuses for that parent, saying that parent just didn’t know what to do or had no power to stop the abuse. In fact, the child may feel pity for that parent, offering comfort after the child has been abused. This happened with my father. My mother would abuse me, & my father would tell me how he couldn’t do anything to stop it, & how hard it was for him knowing how mean she was to me. I would comfort him rather than him comforting & protecting me.
This need to believe parents love their children can cause many problems for adult children of narcissists, as you can see. So I urge you today, Dear Reader, to look at your situation. Are you harboring any beliefs that stem from that need? Are you making excuses for your parent(s) because you think it’s easier than admitting your narcissistic parent never loved you? If so, you’re only hurting yourself.
John 8:32 says, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (NIV) This Scripture is absolutely true! As difficult as facing the truth about your parents is, it is worth it. Clinging to the childish belief that your parent loves you only hurts you. It’s a domino effect of dysfunction, really. You make more & more excuses for your parent’s abuse because you want to believe she loves you. This only serves to keep you tolerating more & more abuse. Facing the truth is the only thing that will set you free.
Admitting that your narcissistic parent doesn’t love you & never has is painful. I understand this all too well. It causes you to grieve your loss of not having a loving parent. However, doing so will enable you to see things much more clearly & objectively, which helps you to find ways to become healthier. You’ll be able to think more about ways to set & enforce healthy boundaries instead of tolerating abuse so you don’t hurt your parent’s feelings. You may limit your contact with your parent or go full no contact with that parent because you realize that your parent only wants you in her life to provide her with narcissistic supply, & you deserve better than that.
I know admitting your parent doesn’t love you is painful, but I can promise you that it is well worth the pain. And, it’s much less painful than clinging to that false belief!
Last night, I had two extremely vivid nightmares about my parents. I woke up anxious & afraid from both, but especially the second one.
I got to thinking & praying about the dreams, I realized they showed me something. It is incredibly hard to accept a covert narcissist parent as the evil, abuser that they are!
Over the last couple of years, I’ve had a LOT of dreams about my father & when I prayed, God would tell me to pay attention to them- they are showing what he is really like, as He did when I asked about last night’s nightmares. Yet in spite of the many warnings, I was still shocked when he did certain things like calling the police twice on me for “welfare checks” after I stopped speaking to him, accused my husband of keeping me from him or sending several flying monkeys after me.
When you’ve been raised with an overt narcissist & a covert narcissist, it is hard to accept the covert narcissist is bad. After all, compared to the overt, the covert doesn’t seem so bad. The covert doesn’t scream at you or hit you or shred your self-esteem. Plus, it’s incredibly hard to accept that both of your parents didn’t love you. One is hard enough, but two? Incredibly painful. So, many people tell themselves that their covertly narcissistic parent isn’t so bad. Sure, that parent has flaws, but it could be worse, right?
I firmly believe covert narcissists are way worse than overts. At least with overt narcissists, you know where you stand & what they’re capable of. Not so with covert narcissists. Due to their subtlety, they can abuse so discreetly, a person doesn’t even realize it’s happening. They also give such a good appearance as a victim that on the off chance you recognize they’re behavior is abusive, you don’t have the heart to upset them by confronting them. They also love to appear naive & innocent. This makes you doubt they know what they’re doing is wrong. It also means if you tell people you both know, you won’t be believed. Covert narcissists also make you feel sorry for them, which is another guarantee that you will let them get away with anything they want to do.
If anyone meets my father, they get the impression he’s a simple country boy- laid back, good sense of humor & a pleasant person. And, now that he’s pushing 80 & has Alzheimer’s & other health problems, they also feel bad for him. They don’t realize the incredibly evil, twisted things he is capable of because they only see the way he presents himself. They don’t believe that when my mother abused me, he not only failed to protect me, he also turned the situation around so I would comfort him because he said he was upset she hurt me. They wouldn’t believe he expected me to apologize to him for breaking a wall when my mother threw me into it when I was 19. Yet, these things are absolutely true.
Dear Reader, if you have a covertly narcissistic parent, please pray about your situation. If you’re maintaining that relationship thinking that parent isn’t as bad as your overtly narcissistic one, you’re probably wrong. I thought that myself & I certainly was. It’s taken me a lot of painful events, & long time to see my father for the wicked narcissist he is. It took many nightmares & painful events to realize it. I would love to spare you the kind of pain that I have had to experience because I didn’t want to accept the truth, so please, please pray about your situation. Ask God to show you the truth about your parent, to enable you to handle it & what you should do about it.
When you begin talking to people about experiences with narcissistic abuse, it can be tempting to compare your experiences. Especially in online groups, it’s very easy to see people in different levels of healing. It can be discouraging seeing people who are obviously in a better place than you.
I want to encourage you today, Dear Reader. Stop comparing your healing with that of other people! Nothing good comes from comparison! It only makes you feel badly about yourself!
Instead, remember- people are very different. We all respond to things differently, we feel things differently & we process things differently. Even if you & another person have very similar experiences with narcissistic abuse, those differences mean your healing will be unique to each of you.
One area in particular I struggled with is anger. I think many people struggle in this area. I used to feel badly because I’d see so many others who weren’t angry. Yet, there I was, livid every time I thought of certain things my parents had done. Others had experienced similar situations, yet obviously weren’t as angry as I was. It made me wonder what was wrong with me. I went to God with my concerns, & He shared some interesting things with me.
If you weren’t allowed to show anger as a kid, as is the case with most narcissistic parents, you’re going to be very angry as an adult. The anger built up over the years because you had no way to release it. Some children of narcissistic parents are fortunate enough to find outlets for their anger, so they don’t feel as angry as adults. I was never allowed to show anger, not even simple frustration, as a child. I was shamed greatly if I got angry, so I learned to avoid showing anger at all costs. It’s only natural that I have a bigger problem with anger than someone who found outlets for their anger as a child.
There are also folks who continue to hold in their anger. They deny feeling it, because they are still convinced that anger is a terrible thing that should be avoided at all costs. These people may even be shaming towards others who feel anger, although unintentionally. For example, they often try to be extremely positive in order to deny their anger, which makes someone who is angry feel bad for not doing the same, even though being too positive isn’t mentally healthy. (Being realistic is much healthier)
I hope you see that comparing your healing journey to that of other people is a complete waste of time. There is truly no good that can come of it! Walk your individual path proudly. God has a unique plan just for you! xoxo
**DISCLAIMER: If, like many of my readers, you are in the unfortunate position of not being able to go no contact with your narcissistic parent, please do NOT think this article is aimed at you! It most certainly isn’t!! I’m sure many of you have been shamed enough & I am not trying to add to that shame by implying you’re weak or wrong or whatever for being in that position. Every situation is unique, & I won’t judge you. This post is aimed at those who have gone no contact, not you!**
Going no contact (or even low contact for that matter) with a narcissistic parent isn’t an easy thing to do. There is a tremendous amount of anger & grief at the abnormal, awful circumstances that bring a person to this decision. Then there is society & their warped views of no contact. Some people think you should cut someone out of your life (yes, even a parent) at the first sign of them disagreeing with you. At the opposite end of the spectrum are those who think you’re a horrible person if you even entertain the idea of ending a relationship with your parent, no matter what. Many of those people also think you’re weak for “taking the easy way out”. That is the point I want to address today.
If you’re in the painful place of having gone no contact with your narcissistic parent, my heart breaks for you. I know the pain of this first hand & would tell anyone who thinks it’s easy or cowardly that they are completely, absolutely, 1,000% WRONG.
First of all, a relationship with an abusive parent is incredibly painful. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally, & realizing that not only do they not love us but are out to hurt & control us hurts! Really, really freaking hurts! How can anyone continue to subject themselves to that indefinitely? Every person has their limits.
Secondly, even considering how painful it is having an abusive parent, children naturally don’t want to end that relationship. It feels unnatural to end that relationship. How can it not?! That’s your mother or father, not some casual acquaintance.
Third, thinking about going no contact isn’t some easy decision like where to go for dinner. It takes a lot of prayer, thought, time, weighing your options, imagining scenarios.. it’s incredibly draining just to think about, let alone do it.
Lastly, once you are no contact, that doesn’t mean things are going to be easy. Without that narcissistic parent in your life, your emotions that you stifled so long just to survive the toxic relationship are probably going to come to the surface & demand you deal with them. That’s never fun! I’m going through it myself & I can tell you, quite frankly, it’s really rough! (It’s good in the fact I’m finally able to deal with stuff left untouched in so long, but it’s not fun to go through the process). There’s also the distinct possibility your narcissistic parent will send the flying monkeys after you to “talk some sense” into you by attempting to make you feel guilty for going no contact. After all, that parent won’t be around forever yanno! She’s getting older, & she is your mother yanno! Flying monkeys are always fun to deal with. (yes, I’m being totally sarcastic in that comment). Even more fun is the chance your narcissistic parent will attempt to contact you personally. There’s nothing quite like going along with your day, in a good mood, when you open your mailbox & see that parent’s handwriting. So much for that good mood. You can block that parent from emailing, calling, texting or on social media, but you can’t block postal mail.
So if anyone reading this thinks no contact is the cowardly thing to do, the easy route, think again. It’s far from it! Going no contact is actually a very brave, incredibly difficult thing to do.
This has been a really crappy, awful week to put it mildly.
Monday, we had a new storm door installed on the back of our house. It leads to an enclosed porch, which has a door that leads into the kitchen. In that brief window of time there was no storm door, my father not only stopped by my home but came onto the porch, into my home! Remember, we’re no contact so this was quite a shock for me. I had no idea he’d even come by let alone barge into my home. I thank God if it had to happen, it happened when it did because my husband dealt with him. It was ugly. My husband said he said he wanted to see me. My mother is in the hospital having a lump removed from her carotid artery, so he wanted to tell me (side note- any prayers for her would be appreciated). Hubby said he’d tell me. My father kept demanding to talk to “his daughter” & even accused hubby of keeping me from him. He said he was going to stay on my porch & wait until I came out to speak to him. My husband finally told my father if he didn’t leave, he was calling the police. (I love this man!) Interestingly, about an hour later, he said, “Yanno.. don’t be surprised if the police show up to do a welfare check. I just have a feeling.” I thought no way.. that wouldn’t happen. How wrong I was…
The following evening, there was a knock on my door. It was a county cop. He said my father called the police to do a welfare check on me. My father told the police my husband “kicked him off” our property & wouldn’t let me see him. This was an experience I never expected to happen since both my parents always liked my husband way more than me. For my father to turn on him & to waste the time of the local police has been such a shock.
Prior to this, he’d sent 4 different people after me to tell me to call him, including his barber. (Yes, I really am serious! His barber!!)
My first reaction on Monday was to want to cuss out my father for messing with my husband. Not proud of that, but it’s true. Thankfully after calming down some, I remembered that narcissists love to bait their victims. That is what has been happening with my father. He tried forcing me to see him, then to hurt & anger me to the point I’d contact him. Even if it was to cuss him out, it’d be narcissistic supply. Narcissists need someone’s love or hate, since both strong emotions provide them supply. Ignoring them deprives them of supply & they can’t handle that.
So now, I’m not sure what to expect. Involving the police was a new low, as far as I’m concerned, so it makes me wonder what else he is capable of doing.
And, because once you’ve survived carbon monoxide poisoning, your tolerance for stress goes completely down the toilet, I’ve been pretty much a wreck since Monday physically as well as emotionally. (FYI- the body produces small amounts of carbon monoxide when stressed. This is helpful to the body unless it’s already compromised as it is after poisoning. In that case, your body responds to that small amount as if it was poisoned again).
Any prayers would be appreciated! Thank you!
I’m hoping sharing this with you, Dear Reader, is somehow beneficial. Maybe it can help you to realize the importance of never underestimating a covert narcissist as I did with my father. Maybe you realize the narcissist in your life may do this type of thing & you can prepare ahead of time for it. I don’t know. But, I do hope sharing my story helps you in some way! xoxo
Source: The Lucifer Complex
This article is fascinating & disturbing. I thought for quite some time that narcissism is demonic in nature. Remember what Lucifer said before he fell? Things like he would be greater than God. I didn’t delve as deeply into the subject as this author has. He explains it very well!