Tag Archives: personality

When There Is A Narcissist In The Family

Families that have at least one narcissist in them have some very serious problems.  It may not be evident at first glance.  Everyone may act like they get along just fine.  They may celebrate holidays together every year.  Yet, serious problems still exist in this family.

People raised by narcissistic parents have mental health issues.  There is no avoiding that.  Many struggle with C-PTSD or PTSD at worst, anxiety &/or depression at best.  Some even turn out like their narcissistic parent, emulating the awful & abusive behaviors they grew up seeing daily.  All have relationship problems to varying degrees.

The problems don’t stop at the children of narcissists, however.  If those children grow up to have children, they too will be abused by their narcissistic grandparents.

Other relatives will be drawn into the fray as well.  Narcissists love to tell other people how wonderful they are while also telling them just awful their victim is.  That way, if the victim ever tells anyone about the abuse, no one will believe the victim.  Instead, they will label the victim as crazy, mentally unstable, addicted, selfish, etc. while assuming the narcissist has done nothing wrong.

When this happens in a family situation, it seems that most people are exceptionally willing to blindly believe the narcissist & attack the victim.  That’s how my family is.  No one wants to believe someone they are related to is abusive & cruel.  That is very understandable, of course.  However, in families with a narcissist, they often take this to the extreme.

Not only do narcissistic families not want to accept the fact their relative is an abusive narcissist, they will do anything to shut down the person making the accusation.  They will ignore the victim, accuse the person of lying, being angry, spoiled, immature or unforgiving, or even personally attack the victim.  The particularly aggressive ones may stalk & harass the victim, or inundate the victim with hateful texts, emails or social media messages.  If the victim blocks their phone number, email address, etc, they will find other ways to contact the victim- get a new phone number or email, create a fake social media profile or hack someone else’s profile.  If the victim is a Christian, you can guarantee their faith will become the subject of attack.  The “family” will twist Scripture around to support their warped beliefs &/or claim the victim can’t be a Christian & behave in this manner.

It is a terrible thing finally to summon the courage to open up about the abuse you endured, & when you tell people you think will support you, to be met with disbelief & even cruelty.  It is one of the most horrible things a victim can endure- being mocked or shamed for divulging the most painful experiences in their life while watching those they thought would be on their side comfort & support the very person who abused them.

I know there is nothing I can say to make this experience hurt any less.  I’m very sorry if you’re going through this.  There are some ways you can cope though.

Always, ALWAYS maintain a close relationship to God.  He knows the truth & understands your situation.  He will give you comfort & strength.  He will show you the best way to handle the situation, too.

Remember, you do NOT need anyone’s validation but your own.  Yes, it’s a good thing having people in your life support you & even say things like, “That was awful.. I’m sorry you went through that.”  However, you don’t *need* it.

That brings me to my next point- learn to validate yourself.   To do this, accept your feelings without judgment.  You’re allowed to be hurt & angry your family treats you badly.  Be proud of the good person you are & the direction towards healing you’re taking.  You have overcome a great deal.  If you recently learned about narcissism & began speaking about it, that is a huge step- be proud of yourself for that!

And lastly, never, ever forget that these people who have hurt you so badly have serious problems.  Functional people defend victims, not attack them while coddling an abuser.  These people may get something from the narcissist, so they won’t go against her & risk losing it.  Maybe the narcissist is someone they idolize, so they refuse to listen to anything bad about them.  Maybe they’re simply cowardly, & think it’s easier to go along with the narcissist than to stand up for what’s right.  In any case, this person’s behavior says nothing about you but plenty about them.

Although I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, you will survive this awful situation, & you will be much stronger for having done so!

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Encouragement For The “Weak” & “Flawed”

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Narcissists & Dominance

Whether overt or covert, narcissists are control freaks.  They must be in control of their environment & the people in it at all times.  We all know overt narcissists use fear & covert narcissists guilt to accomplish this, but there are other methods they also use.

Narcissists may use ignoring a person as a means of control.  They accomplish this in many ways.  They may simply ignore the victim in conversation, acting as if the person didn’t say anything when they did.  The narcissist may talk over the victim in conversation.  They may conveniently “forget” to invite the victim to a gathering.  If the victim arrives with someone, the narcissist may greet that person while ignoring the victim.  When a person is ignored this way, they may shut down, fading quietly into the background which leaves more room for the narcissist to get attention.  Or, they may question the narcissist, wondering what they did wrong & pleading with the narcissist to forgive them.  Ignoring a victim also lets that person know that the narcissist thinks they are unworthy of the narcissist’s attention, so the victim may try harder & harder to please the narcissist.

Interrupting is another display of dominance narcissists use.  When most people have a conversation, & someone interrupts them, they stop talking to let the interrupting person talk.  Narcissists will use this natural proclivity to their advantage.  My father used this tactic a LOT.  In fact, he put a unique spin on it.  When I started talking, he would open his mouth as if he was going to talk, then close it quickly.  Naturally, I thought I was interrupting him, so I encouraged him to talk.  One day after a visit, I prayed about it.  I don’t usually interrupt people, so why was I doing it with him?!  God showed me I wasn’t.  My father was using this tactic to get me to stop talking so he could talk.  I hate bad manners, he knew it & used that to dominate our conversations.

Shock is a big favorite with narcissists.  If a narcissist is a part of a group of people & not the center of attention, that narcissist is incredibly uncomfortable.  She feels out of sorts, & will do whatever it takes to restore her position of being in control & being the center of attention.  One method she may use to regain her position is by shocking everyone in the group.  She may start talking loudly & suddenly about an entirely different topic of conversation.  She may blurt out some weird or disturbing facts that is so odd that it gets everyone’s attention.  She may walk away while someone is talking, make a loud noise or even spill her purse to restore the balance of power she wants.  My mother once broke into song when my father & I left her out of our conversation.  Remember the old musical, “Oklahoma!”?  Apparently my mother does.  She started singing the theme song.  Loudly.  Since this was well before I knew anything about NPD, my father & I ended our conversation at that point.  Attention was focused back on her, as she wanted.

Possibly the most disgusting way narcissist try to assert their dominance is with body functions.  Even passing gas or burping isn’t too low for a narcissist desperate enough to establish dominance.  They also may blow their nose extremely loudly or make the sounds more disgusting than need be.  If they don’t use a body function, they will at least talk about them.  My mother has irritable bowel syndrome & has absolutely no trouble discussing all the gory details of it.  Body functions are so seldom a part of a conversation in any way that when it happens, people are naturally shocked & notice the person who brought them into the conversation.

The best way I’ve found to deal with these dominant behaviors is very simple.  Ignore them.  Pretend the narcissist didn’t say or do anything unusual.  Carry on with your conversation as usual.  If she interrupts you, you can either talk over her or wait until she is finished, then resume your previous conversation.  If she ignores you, pretend not to notice.  The same goes if she uses shock value or body functions- pretend you notice nothing whatsoever.  By ignoring the narcissist’s attempts to dominate, you aren’t allowing her to dominate.  You’re depriving her of narcissistic supply, which is the best thing you can do with any narcissist.

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Hoovering Tactics

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Do Narcissists Know Their Behavior Is Wrong?

One thing I think all victims of narcissistic abuse wonder about at some point is does the narcissist realize what they are doing is wrong?  The answer is a resounding YES!

Everyone knows the difference between right & wrong, barring any physical problem with the brain that may destroy that natural ability of course.  This includes narcissists.  So it is very safe to assume that if they don’t have a physical problem with their brain, they still know the difference between right & wrong.  Evidence of this can be found in the fact they hide the abuse & try very hard to make sure people don’t find out what they do.  They will do anything to prevent their victims from telling others about their behavior.  They threaten the victim not to tell anyone or shame the victim into believing the abuse was not the fault of the narcissist.  They try to convince the victim that the victim was at fault for making them do what they did, the abuse didn’t happen they way they remember or it didn’t happen at all.  They tell everyone that the victim is crazy, a liar or anything else they can think of to discredit that victim so other people won’t believe him or her.  A lot of effort goes into keeping the abuse hidden.  This is evidence that they do know what they’re doing is wrong.

Narcissists simply don’t care about what is right & what is wrong.  They want to do whatever they want to do without people trying to stop them, which is the only reason they work so hard to hide it.

Narcissists have chosen to do evil, abusive behavior many, many times.  In doing so, they have shut down the natural empathy that human beings are born with.  This is why they don’t feel guilt when they hurt people.  Every decision to do evil shuts down that empathy a little more, or sears their conscious as some folks say.  God gave me a good visual on this.  I imagined a person standing at a revolving door.  God was on one side, Satan on the other.  Each decision a person made pushed the revolving door open to either God or Satan.  Bad decisions opened it wider to Satan while good ones opened it wider to God.  After a while, a lot of good decisions open it completely to God & close out Satan, while a lot of bad ones open it completely to Satan.

Knowing all of this, don’t be fooled if the narcissist in your life pretends to be innocent or oblivious to the pain he or she has caused you.  Many narcissists pretend they don’t know that what they said or did would hurt their victim, & covert narcissists in particular do this.

Pleading ignorance is a very effective tactic for an abuser.  People are usually quick to forgive someone who hurt them without intending to, but not with someone who deliberately hurts them.  They are also much more apt to be lenient with someone they don’t think is intentionally hurtful, overlooking their bad behavior.  Also, if the abuser is forced into therapy, pleading ignorance can work out well for them.  Therapists often will focus their attention on explaining to the narcissist why their behavior is bad.  Once their attention is so focused on the narcissist, the narcissist can manipulate them however they see fit. . If you think therapists can’t be manipulated, you’re absolutely wrong.  They’re human just like the rest of us.  Not to mention, they don’t receive much teaching on cluster B personality disorders like narcissism.  Unless a therapist has personal experience with narcissistic abuse, the chances are excellent that therapist can be manipulated by a narcissist.

So to sum things up, yes, narcissists do know what they’re doing is wrong.  Observe their behavior, & you’ll see for yourself that they DO know what they’re doing!

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Bad Decisions & Narcissists

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Narcissistic In-Laws & Exes

Since I’m working on a book about narcissistic in-laws, it’s certainly gotten me to thinking about them.  Not exactly a fun topic since I’ve been through a LOT at the hands of narcissistic in-laws, but it’s also a topic that needs to be addressed.  I’ll share a blog post when it’s published as well as add the link to my website at: www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

 

One thing that recently has come to mind about these dreadful people is how they are with exes.  I’ve heard of & read so many stories of narcissistic in-laws who keep in touch with their son’s or brother’s ex, even after he has moved on to another woman & there were no children created in the relationship.  They may even have the ex’s picture hanging up in their home or a picture of him with her when they were together.  They may invite her to family functions, whether or not the new lady is present.

 

I’ve been down this road.  A woman my husband broke up with in 1991 is still a bigger part of my in-law’s family than I ever have been.  In 1997 at an in-law family party, my two sisters in-law spoke a LOT about her (when it was just the three of us together, no witnesses, of course), talking about what a great person she was & how they should hang out with her soon.  They never wanted to hang out with me, mind you.  Not long after we were married in 1998, my mother in-law told me how disappointed she & my father in-law were that my husband married me instead of this person.  Over the years, I learned that at least one of the sisters in-law not only kept in close contact with this ex, but kept my husband abreast of what was going on in her life.  Then, when we ran into her in a store two months to the day after my husband’s father died, I saw how comfortable & friendly she was with my husband.  It was painfully obvious she’d seen him recently, so I later asked what was going on with her.  Turns out not only had she been to my father in-law’s funeral, but also my mother in-law’s & took one of her sons to visit my mother in-law in the hospital.  She also lives only a few miles from my late in-laws’ home & attends the church they attended.

 

As if all of this isn’t awful enough, I also realized when we saw this woman that she obviously is still very attracted to my husband.

 

This whole situation got me to thinking about these types of situations.  If you’re in it, you’re going to need a lot of wisdom on how to cope with it.

 

I’m not saying all friendships between people & their exes or even their family & their exes are bad.  Sometimes they work out just fine or are necessary because of children or other ties to each other such as owning a business together.  When narcissistic in-laws are involved though, it’s a whole different situation.  This relationship isn’t because these people were genuinely fond of each other.  Like everything else, there is a self-serving purpose in it.  Never ever doubt that!  Your spouse may think his family’s behavior is normal but it isn’t!

 

If you wonder, watch how this relationship is handled.  Your feelings should be considered.  Your in-laws should not flaunt this person to you.  This person shouldn’t be frequently discussed fondly in front of you or her picture shouldn’t be in a predominant space in the in-law home (especially if it also includes your spouse).

 

How do they handle this relationship regarding your spouse?  Do they keep your spouse up to date on his ex’s life?  If your spouse wants no parts of the details of that ex, do they force him to listen anyway?  Do they forward her emails to him so he not only knows but has her email address as well?

 

These behaviors are all red flags, & you are going to need a lot of wisdom on how to handle this situation.

 

As always, I recommend prayer as the best place to start.  Luke 12:12 says, “For the Holy Ghost shall teach you in the same hour what ye ought to say.” (KJV) & James 1:5 says, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” (KJV)  Seems to me prayer is the best place you can start!

 

Also never give your spouse an ultimatum.  People who do this almost always end up losing because no one wants to feel controlled or manipulated.

 

Stay calm when you must discuss the situation.  If you act angry or hurt, chances are your spouse will discuss the conversation with someone in his family.  From there, it would be very easy for your in-laws to convince your spouse that you’re unreasonable, paranoid, even crazy.  And, no doubt if he sees his ex, she is on good behavior.  She will look even better to him & you even worse.  So stay calm during the discussion for the sake of your marriage!

 

Do NOT tell him what you think his family is up to.  Coming from a narcissistic family does quite the number on a person’s psyche as most people know.  One thing I’ve noticed is men in these situations have a lot more trouble facing the truth about their family than women.  (No guys, I don’t hate you or think you’re stupid.  It’s just an observation.)  If you’re in this position with your spouse, I know it can be frustrating.  You see the truth so clearly but your spouse doesn’t.  Don’t work hard trying to convince him of the truth.  You telling the truth will come across to him as you criticizing his family, which in turn will make him very protective of them & angry at you.  It will drive a huge wedge between you two.

 

You can, however, gently, let your spouse know that you are very uncomfortable with this situation.  Tell him how you feel, & don’t be afraid of being vulnerable.  Better for your spouse to see that side of you than the angry side, because it won’t make him defensive.  He will be more willing to listen to you & relate to your perspective if you aren’t angry.

 

Also, what about the ex?  Is she obviously still attracted to your husband?  This is tough, I know.  I really feel your pain.  The best I know to do with this is to focus on your spouse.  Make sure you don’t stop doing things that he loves or finds attractive about you.  Do nice little gestures for him to show him you love him, like slipping love notes into his lunch box, sock drawer, coat pocket or even taping them to his steering wheel while he’s in the shower.   If you tell him what a terrible person his ex is instead, you’re only making him defensive of her & angry at you.  Yes, I know this one is HARD.  After seeing my husband’s ex, every fiber in me wanted to say exactly what I think of her & his family.  But, I knew that he wouldn’t believe what I said & would end up passionately defending them while simultaneously being very angry with me.

 

Lastly remember, all of this isn’t about you.  It’s about some pretty dysfunctional people doing what dysfunctional people do.  If the ex is still interested, well, she should have tried harder to keep him & is being foolish for not giving up.  He moved on & she should too.  As for your in-laws, they are getting something out of this relationship.  They probably want to split you & your spouse up or at the very least cause trouble between you two.  Maybe they think because she’s wealthy or in some sort of position in society, she makes them look good.  Who knows?  But you can be sure of one thing… whatever sick mess is happening in this relationship, it has nothing to do with you.

 

I wish you the absolute best in this situation!  xoxo

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Ways To Repel Narcissists

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You Aren’t Weak For Not Being Over It!

It seems like there is a strange believe among many people that processing trauma quickly is a sign of strength.  People are admired for getting back to work or a normal routine quickly, & it’s assumed they’re “over it” when they do that.  Unfortunately a lot of people who others think are “over it” are actually avoiding dealing with their pain.

Healing from trauma of any sort isn’t a quick process.  How could it be?  Trauma overloads your mind, emotions & even body.  It’s impossible to simply shake it off & move on.  It’s even worse when you’ve been exposed to repeated traumas, such as in the case of child abuse.

Never let anyone make you feel weak or ashamed because you’re not “over it” yet.  Truly processing trauma takes time, & lots of it.  It also takes a great deal of energy & courage to face the ugly truth, to get angry about it, & to grieve about it.  It may take a lifetime to do.  There is no shame in that.  It doesn’t mean you’re weak.  It means you’ve been through unimaginable circumstances.

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How Growing Up With A Narcissistic Mother Affects You As An Adult

Growing up with a narcissistic mother is incredibly painful.  It causes a great deal of damage too, not only to one’s mental health but sometimes physical as well due to the intense, incredible stress of living with such a cruel person.

 

Unfortunately, the damage done is still with the child moving out of his or her mother’s home.  While some of that damage is obvious, such as a person having C-PTSD, not all of it is so easily identified.  There are many behaviors that tend to stick with a person even years after the abuse has ended.

 

Many victims accept the blame for everything.  Growing up with a narcissist, you learn early in life that everything is your fault.  If you had any doubts about that, your narcissistic mother would remind you of it.  By adulthood, victims have lost all doubts & know everything is their fault.

 

Closely related is apologizing for everything.  Children aren’t allowed to stand up for themselves, especially to their narcissistic mother.  In fact, we don’t even have any clue how to stand up for ourselves.  Instead, we learn to apologize, whether the problem is our fault or not.  This behavior carries over into adulthood.

 

Narcissistic parents often compare their children unfavorably to their siblings or cousins.  Those children grow up comparing themselves unfavorably to others just as their parent did rather than appreciating the differences in each person.

 

Children of narcissistic parents learned early in life that their purpose was to do for their parent.  Children aren’t even thought of as human to their narcissistic parents, but instead they are merely tools to be used as needed by that parent.  Knowing this means these children believe they aren’t important.  They prioritize everyone else over themselves.

 

Along these lines, children of narcissistic parents also refuse to ask for help.  They believe they are unworthy of help from anyone.  Many are also perfectionists & think they should be able to do things by themselves, without any assistance.

 

Chronic self doubt is another problem narcissistic mothers create in their children.  When you grow up hearing how you can’t do anything right, you’re a failure, you’re stupid or other cruel things, self doubt is normal.  It can make you doubt every single thing about yourself, even into adulthood.  Often it’s like there is a recording in the back of your mind when you try to do something that says those same awful things Mom used to say, & when you hear the recording, it transports you back to childhood, when you felt you were all of those things Mom said you were.

 

Difficulty making decisions happens often with adult children of narcissistic parents, too.  When you suffer with self doubt, decisions can be really difficult to make!  Even simple decisions like when your spouse asks where you want to go for dinner can be very challenging, because you feel like whatever you say will be wrong.

 

Over thinking is another common sign of having grown up with a narcissistic mother.  It stems from having to be “on alert” at all times, needing to know what Mom wanted or how to please her or what exactly she needed at any time in order to avoid a narcissistic rage.

 

The lack of ability to express emotions is common with adult children of narcissistic mothers.  So many narcissistic mothers did their best to stop their child from expressing any emotions, negative or positive.  My mother used to scold me for having “that Bailey temper” that I learned never to show any anger or even simple frustration.  It felt easier to stuff that emotion deep down than to be shamed.  My mother also complained that I didn’t look happy, yet if I was happy, if it had nothing to do with her, she would shame me for being happy. Many narcissistic mothers behave in a similar way with their children.

 

Do you behave in any of these ways, Dear Reader?  If so, please know you are NOT alone & you are NOT crazy.  I’ve experienced them all, & still do experience some of them.  I have found that praying really helps a great deal.  I ask God for help or to show me what I can do to change my behavior.  Simple?  Sure, but also very effective.

 

I also question things.  “Am I really to blame for this?  Why?”  “Should I apologize for that?  Why or why not?”  “Why am I comparing myself to that person instead of appreciating our uniqueness?”  “Am I really not smart enough/talented enough/etc. to do that?  What evidence do I have that shows me I’m not?”  “Is it really unreasonable of me to ask my husband for help when I don’t feel good?  Why?”  These simple questions make me think about the situation at hand more objectively & I can see that sometimes what I’m thinking is nothing more than some old, dysfunctional mindset.  Upon seeing that, I am able to act in a more appropriate way.  If you have trouble doing this, another approach could be to imagine a friend came to you with the problem you’re facing now.  What would you tell that friend?  Imagining a friend is confiding in you rather than thinking about yourself facing the problem can give you a very different perspective.

 

Although these issues are challenging, they can be dealt with with time & work.  Do it- you deserve to be rid of these dysfunctional habits!

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My Newest Book Is Now Available!

I have published my most recent book!  It’s called, “When Love Hurts: Loving A Narcissist”.  This one is about being romantically involved with a narcissist.  It teaches the reader how to determine if his or her partner is a narcissist, about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the best ways to cope with a narcissistic partner, how to help your children & more.  I pray it will bless everyone who reads it.

 

Want to know something interesting?  This book came to be because of a dream I had last spring.  Strange, huh?  Three ideas came to me in that one dream- a book about covert narcissists (which I wrote last year), another about narcissistic in-laws (I got a start on it & I think it will be my next book to publish) & this one about being romantically involved with narcissists.  It was one more confirmation to me that dreams are important- we need to pay attention to them!  You never know what God may show you in your dreams!

 

If you’re interested in this book, it is available in both print & ebook versions on my website at: www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

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Ways To Shut Down Narcissistic Abuse

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When Narcissists Claim To Be The Real Victim

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About Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse

Since my last post was about red flags in those who write about narcissism, I thought I’d make today’s post about fellow survivors.

Most people who have survived narcissistic abuse are good people who are trying hard to recover. Naturally they have issues, but at least they’re working on them & working on getting healthier. They also are willing to share what they learn to help others in similar situations, & do so without any arrogance. They’re also open to input from other people, because they realize they don’t know it all- there is always more to learn on this topic.

Not every victim is this way, however. Some turn abusive.

I don’t know why some victims try to heal & why some become abusive but it does happen sometimes. If you’re going to interact with other victims through online support groups, reading blogs or on social media, you need to be aware of some red flags.

The biggest red flag to watch out for is narcissism. Many of you know the signs already so I won’t repeat them here. I’ll just share a link to the page on my website where I wrote about it if you care to check it out: http://cynthiabaileyrug.com/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder.php

There are other red flags, too. If a person gives advice too freely, for example. While most victims want to help others, they also realize how rude it is to give unasked for advice. They also realize sometimes a person just needs to speak things out loud to help them work through a situation, & that doesn’t mean they’re looking for advice.

If a person is bossy or demanding with their advice, that’s another red flag. Most people realize that all people are individuals. What worked for them may not work for another. They realize it’s not a good idea to try to force someone to follow their advice & let the other person decide for themselves whether or not to follow it.

Your average victim of narcissistic abuse also isn’t judgmental or critical. They know all too well what it feels like to be judged & criticized so harshly, so they don’t inflict that on anyone else. Some victims turned abusers, however, can be extremely judgmental & critical.

Some victims also become very arrogant. They seem to think because they found success in doing something that helped them, that everyone should follow in their footsteps & if they don’t, they’re foolish.

These same people are also usually the first ones to shame people who, “don’t just go no contact.” They make it clear they don’t believe there is any reason not to go no contact, & they offer no compassion to anyone who wants to but it unable to or is trying to find another option.

Abusive victims also make excuses. If they are short with someone, it’s always for a reason like they’re having a bad da, as one example. They don’t apologize or accept responsibility for the hurtful things they do.

And, if you call a person like this out on their actions, they WILL be furious. They may offer a non apology. They may offer lame excuses for their behavior. They also may get mad at you. That in particular is a big red flag, because most victims of narcissistic abuse apologize easily & often. They don’t get mad when called out on their bad behavior. They usually get mad only when someone is accusing them of something they didn’t do.

One other red flag is a smear campaign. This is very common on social media. If someone feels the online support group they participated in wasn’t a good environment for example, social media is an easy way to let the world know how you feel about it. That is pretty normal behavior, I think, but if a person posts about that group in a way that really trashes it, that is a red flag.

The last red flag is stalking or harassing another person online. With your average victim of narcissistic abuse, they may have a dispute with someone then either stop speaking with them or even block them entirely. A victim who is also abusive however, may harass or stalk someone who disagreed with them. They may leave nasty comments on their page or join groups the other person is in & harass them in the group. This nonsense can go on for a very long time, especially with narcissists.

The best advice I can give in these situations is the Gray Rock method. Don’t react to their outrageous behavior or show them that what they do bothers you. Remain calm & ignore their behavior. Don’t defend yourself to their smear campaigns. Instead, simply block them wherever you can. Most people like this will get bored easily & leave you alone at this point. Narcissists may not be so simple to get rid of however. They may bother you for a long time. Never, ever respond to them- instead keep blocking them & their flying monkeys.

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About Those Who Write About Narcissism

I never, ever want to come across as someone who trashes other authors, especially those who write about the same topics I do.  I realize we all have our different views even on the same topic, & honestly, I think that’s pretty cool!  Different people can have different ideas & views, so I think it’s great when a person finds an author they can relate to, even if it’s not me.  The most important thing is that people find the help they need.

That being said..

Recently I was scrolling Facebook & saw a meme from one blogger with whom I’ve had issues.  We were friends on Facebook several years ago, & followed each other’s blogs.  A couple of months into our new friendship, I began to see some signs of narcissism.  I hoped I was just being paranoid, but I kept looking for whatever the truth was.  Then one day, her mask came off.  She disagreed with something I said in a blog post & proceeded to tell me how wrong I was.  Some of my regular readers disagreed with her & told her that.  She then blocked & unfriended me.  Mind you, I wasn’t even online at the time & didn’t know this was happening until hours later.. yet, she still was mad at & blamed me.

This, Dear Readers, is why I try to remind you fairly often not to blindly follow or believe in anyone, not even me.  Not that I don’t appreciate having fans.  I really do appreciate every single one of you.  The truth is though that we all are imperfect.  We may share something we honestly think is true only to find out later it isn’t.  Or, we may share some advice that helped us but it may not help you simply because of the differences in our personalities.

Plus, there are some who write about narcissism that are narcissists.  I admit, I haven’t seen that often, but I have seen it, such as in the story I told earlier.  Narcissists are attracted to helping professions such as police, teachers, pastors, therapists & more.  It makes sense they would want to write to reach others & manipulate them that way.  There’s also the admiration factor.  If someone has been helped by something you wrote, that person is going to admire you.  That is a nice ego boost to anyone, but it’s huge narcissistic supply to a narcissist.

If you start to follow someone on social media or a blog who writes about narcissism, there are some red flags to narcissism to look for.

How does the person interact with his or her readers?  The blogger I mentioned?  Her followers had almost a cult/cult leader relationship with her.  Regulars never disagreed with her.  If a new follower dared to disagree, the regular followers got angry with the one who disagreed.  She would diffuse the situation eventually, but came across smug when she did, saying things like that person just doesn’t know any better because they haven’t been through what she (the blogger) has.  The person who disagreed would disappear quickly.

Another red flag is does the person constantly brag, even in a subtle way.  The blogger I mentioned did that constantly.  She mentioned on a regular basis how many people looked to her for advice, including mental health professionals (she wasn’t one, just FYI).

An attitude of superiority with readers is not good either.  Granted, most of us who have been writing about NPD have been doing so for a long time & know a lot.  That being said though, we don’t know everything, & if we’re smart, we’re well aware of that!  Also, watch how this person answers questions.  A narcissist will act like the question is stupid, or she is too good to have time to respond to such a question, whereas the average person won’t act that way.

This blogger also only shared memes that she made of things she has said or articles she has written.  That was a big red flag, because I’ve never seen that with any other blogger or author.  Most want to help people, & will share helpful memes & articles often, no matter who has written them.

Unfortunately, it’s impossible to avoid narcissists entirely.  At least you can be aware of the subtle signs of narcissism people exhibit online so you know who you need to avoid.

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Ways Flying Monkeys Silence Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse, part 2

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Pity & Narcissists

As some of you may remember, my late mother in-law was a covert narcissist.  She also was exceptionally good at what she did.  My own husband didn’t believe me when I told him of many of the things she said & did to me.  Like everyone else, he was fooled by her innocent act.  I can’t blame him entirely for that.  Like I said, she was VERY good.

During the time she was in my life, I knew something was wrong, even though I had no understanding about Narcissistic Personality Disorder at the time.  It blew my mind how, like my mother, she could appear one way to other people, but the moment we were alone, the fangs came out.  That just isn’t normal & you don’t have to have a degree in psychology to know that.

Then one day when my husband & I were at his parents’ home, visiting his parents.  My mother in-law said something, & my father in-law said, “Shut your stupid mouth.  Nobody wants to hear what you have to say!”  I’d never seen that side of him before, only heard about it.  He & my husband went outside shortly after.  My mother in-law & I were left alone.  I don’t remember exactly what she said, it was probably over 20 years ago by now, but I do remember that she was especially mean to me that evening.  I figured she was just upset by how her husband spoke to her & taking it out on me.

The anger I usually felt at her because of her nastiness softened a lot.  I felt bad for her for what just happened.  And, for some time after that, I put up with her nastiness without complaint.  I figured she obviously has no real coping skills, so maybe being mean to me is the only way she can deal with the hurt & anger she felt inside.  I didn’t like it but I figured if it helped her somehow, fine.  If I could live through the horrible things my mother said to me, I could handle the mother in-law.

This didn’t last long, a couple of months tops.  I realized it wasn’t helping her, it was really hurting me & frankly, it wasn’t fair.

Situations like this are no doubt why so many people say you should never pity a narcissist.  It means you will tolerate a LOT of abuse.  Well, that is a very valid point.  I tolerated so much more than I should have because I felt pity for my mother in-law.

However, that being said, I still don’t regret feeling that pity for her at that time or at any point.  Probably that makes me sound crazy, but hear me out…

I realized some time later that the ability to feel pity for someone who was so cruel to me showed that in spite of all of the narcissistic abuse I’ve been through in my life, it didn’t destroy my ability to feel compassion for others.  It can be so easy to turn bitter & angry when you’ve been through narcissistic abuse.  I also didn’t turn into a narcissist like a few victims of narcissistic abuse do.  I am grateful that neither happened to me.

Feeling pity for my mother in-law motivated me to pray for her, & all Christians know God wants us to pray for others, including our enemies:

 

Matthew 5:43-48
“43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor (fellow man) and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, [a]love [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for] your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may [show yourselves to] be the children of your Father who is in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on those who are evil and on those who are good, and makes the rain fall on the righteous [those who are morally upright] and the unrighteous [the unrepentant, those who oppose Him]. 46 For if you love [only] those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do that? 47 And if you greet only your brothers [wishing them God’s blessing and peace], what more [than others] are you doing? Do not even the Gentiles [who do not know the Lord] do that? 48 You, therefore, will be perfect [growing into spiritual maturity both in mind and character, actively integrating godly values into your daily life], as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (AMP)

 

I prayed for her quite a bit over the years, albeit not as much as I should have.  All of my prayers for her were answered.  My mother in-law did come to know Jesus, so she is in Heaven now instead of Hell.  She also died in her home rather than a nursing home, as she wanted.  She even died in her sleep, peacefully.

 

Praying for her also was good for me.  It helped me to release the anger I’d felt at her for so long.  I eventually got to the point of feeling nothing for her beyond wanting her to come to the Lord & not to suffer at the end of her life.  Sorta sad, I admit, but it sure beats hating her like I once did!

 

My point in telling you this story is this.. some people find it easy to feel pity for people, even narcissists.  When you know that the narcissistic person in your life has suffered, in spite of how awfully they treat you, there’s probably a little part of you that pities that person.  It’s natural to want to shut that part of you down when the object of your pity is so abusive.  Instead, why not acknowledge it?  Accept that feeling as it is- just a feeling.  Also, you can take the feeling as a sign that person needs prayer & you need to be the one to pray.

 

However, please, PLEASE do not get all crazy like I did & let the pity you feel be a reason to tolerate abuse from the narcissist.  It’s very possible to feel pity for someone while still maintaining healthy boundaries & distance.  I did with my mother in-law & still do with my mother.  Please learn from my mistake in this area!

 

Lastly, if you don’t feel pity for the narcissist in your life, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad Christian.  Many people don’t feel it & there is nothing wrong with that!  Even good, loving, faithful people don’t always feel pity towards narcissists.  It happens, & it’s ok.  This post is simply directed at those who may feel differently than you.  🙂

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Narcissists & The Gifts They Give

Like everything in the life of a narcissist, the gifts they give are all about them.  They give what will benefit them in some way or what they think will make you change according to what they think you should be.  This is why so often, people dread receiving gifts from narcissists.

 

If they’re trying to win you over somehow such as in the early stages of dating or after an argument, narcissists may give a good gift.  That gift is supposed to help buy your love or forgiveness.  That gift may be extravagant or something you mentioned wanting.  My ex husband gave me only 2 nice gifts in our entire relationship.  The first one was about 2 months after we met, for my birthday.

 

Narcissists also may give a gift to make you indebted to them.  Maybe you are supposed to give them a gift in return.  Maybe the gift they gave you is very expensive so you feel obligated to tolerate their abuse because they spent so much on that gift.   Maybe you showed signs of wanting to end the relationship & this gift was supposed to make you want to rethink that move.

 

Often, narcissists give terrible gifts.  They lack the desire to be a blessing, & that shows in the gifts they give in particular on days like birthdays or Christmas.  They’re only giving gifts on these days because they have to in order to look good, not because they want to.  As a result, no thought or consideration goes into the gift.

 

Other times narcissists give awful gifts is when they try to change their victim.  For example, my mother gave me clothes for my birthday or Christmas for years.  While clothes in general aren’t a bad gift, they are when the clothes aren’t in the receiver’s taste, but are the giver’s.  Our tastes are extremely different & that was a problem for her.  My mother wanted me to like what she likes, & this was one way to try to force me to dress like she thought I should dress.  My late mother in-law did the same.  A few months before Christmas one year, I mentioned in passing that I hate to cook.  Yes, I do it because I don’t want us to starve, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy it.  For Christmas that year, she & her daughters all gave me a LOT of cooking paraphernalia.  Cook books, utensils, food, & a big ugly pasta dish I later used in the attic when the roof was leaking.. lol

 

Sometimes bad gifts are also a way for a narcissist to let you know they hate you without saying the words.  A narcissistic mother in-law who dislikes her daughter in-law will give her terrible gifts, as one example.  My late mother in-law gave me a Christmas sweater (I’m NOT into Christmas or Christmas sweaters), polyester slacks (not a fan) & other gifts that were clearly NOT my taste.

 

Sometimes they may “forget” to give you a gift at all.  This is just one way to let you know you aren’t important to them or the gift giving day (your anniversary, Valentine’s day, your birthday, etc) isn’t important to them.

 

Or, narcissists may give away a gift you gave to them either to hurt you or out of thoughtlessness.  My sister in-law gave me this cute little knick knack many years ago.  I thanked her & said it was cute.  She said she thought so, & was sure her mom would like it.  She gave it to her.  A few months later, her mother gave it to her & said something like, “I don’t know where this ugly thing came from.  You can have it.”  She said seeing it hurt her badly so she wanted rid of it.  Since I thought it was cute, I could have it.  My heart broke for her when she told me that story.

 

When you get an awful gift, it’s best not to let the narcissist know how awful you think it is.  If you do, the narcissist can play the victim & tell other people how ungrateful you are, making you look like a jerk.  Rather than ask for the receipt so you can return or exchange the gift, simply thank her for the gift, then when you can, quietly give it to someone who you know would like it or give it to a charity.

 

Likewise when you get a great gift, it’s best not to let the narcissist know you really like it.  If you do, the narcissist is going to get a ton of narcissistic supply from that, & feel that you owe her for giving you this awesome gift.  Simply thank her for the gift.

 

It’s always best to implement the Gray Rock method as much as possible when dealing with narcissists, including when they give gifts.

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Ways Flying Monkeys Silence Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse, part 1

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When No Contact Isn’t An Option

While no contact is often the best solution for a person with narcissistic parents, sometimes it isn’t an option or at least isn’t an option in the near future.  This post is for those of you in that position.

I understand how difficult it is to be in that situation.  I wanted to sever ties with my parents for over a year before the timing felt right.  I did learn some things during that time though, & I hope what I learned can help you.

I think it is a good idea first to get to the root of why no contact isn’t an option & eliminate the problem if at all possible.  Are you financially dependent?  Then try to find other means of supporting yourself.  Are you afraid of being alone?  It is better to be alone than to have abusive people in your life!  God can send you new friends who genuinely love you & become like family.  Are you afraid of what may happen if you go no contact such as relatives attacking you?  I know that can be pretty intimidating, but think about it- what can they really do to you?  If all they can do is tell you what a terrible person you are, that is something you can handle.  After all, didn’t your narcissistic parents tell you that often growing up?  My mother did.  Although it bothered me when the flying monkeys told me the same things, I realized their words only upset me because they reminded me of when my own mother said worse to me.  Once your own mother has called you horrific names, you develop a sort of armor to that verbal abuse.  Do you somehow know that the timing isn’t right like I did?  Then keep praying & follow God’s promptings.  When the timing is right, you will know it & He will enable you to follow through with going no contact.

If you are unable to go no contact at this time but want to, then try for low contact.  Limit your exposure to your narcissistic parent as much as possible.  Don’t be available every time they call.  Don’t visit or invite them to your home often.  Follow your heart & deal with them only when you feel you are able to.  I used to pray before answering my parents’ calls.  I’d ask God if I should take it or not & if I felt His answer was yes, I’d ask Him to guide my words & enable me to handle the situation in the best possible way.

When you must deal with your narcissistic parents, there are some helpful skills you can use.

Always remember that your parents are narcissists.  You aren’t dealing with normal, stable, healthy people.  You can’t expect them to behave as such.  Get rid of any expectations for them to behave normally or show love to you.

Also remember- with narcissists, everything boils down to how can they get narcissistic supply?  You’re best off depriving them of that supply, but in ways that can’t trigger their narcissistic rage.  To do this, the Gray Rock method is best.

I think of Gray Rock as becoming boring to narcissists.  What interests them?  Deprive them of that.  In other words, don’t tell them personal information.  In conversation, stick to superficial topics like the weather.  If you’re out of ideas for superficial conversation, ask the narcissist about herself.  They love talking about themselves, so you might as well make it work for you.  In difficult situations, you can ask the narcissist about herself & that should divert the attention off of you since most narcissists can’t resist an opportunity to talk about themselves.

Always stay calm, cool & collected around your narcissistic parent.  Narcissists see displays of emotions as weakness, which makes them attack their victim like a hungry lion attacks a weak gazelle.  In their presence, show no emotion.  Always be cold & emotionless.

Keep firm boundaries in place & offer no explanations for them.  You can say NO without explaining yourself further.  If your narcissistic parent demands to know why you say no, change the subject.  If your narcissistic parent hints at wanting to know, ignore the hints.

Keep learning all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It will help you to keep a healthy perspective of your situation.  It will help you not to take your parents’ abuse so personally & it will help you to figure out effective ways of dealing with them.

And, never forget to pray often & talk to your safe, supportive friends who understand your situation.  A good support network is extremely important in these situations.  Avoid people who tell you what to do.  People who don’t understand why you won’t go no contact or think no contact is wrong are not people you need to deal with, especially as you are trying to go no contact.

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Ways Narcissists Silence Their Victims, part 2

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Feeling Guilt Regarding Your Narcissistic Parent?

Recently I was thinking of something.  Maybe some of you remember last December, just before Christmas, my mother had her attorney/flying monkey send me a letter asking if I wanted my father’s car.  (here is the post if you missed it:   Coping When Narcissists Hit A New Low)

I thought about the letter the other day, & the wording of it all.  At that time, I felt a lot of guilt even though I knew with every fiber of my being I needed to maintain strict no contact with her.  It was such a difficult time!  I also thought about the fact my mother wanted my help with what she was dealing with after my father’s death.  She expected me to help her, after everything she’s done to me, & there has been a LOT!  Just throwing out a couple of examples…

 

  • My mother threw me into a wall when I was 19 hard enough to give me back pain for 10 years.  Why?  Because she started a fight with me & got mad when I eventually snapped & cussed at her.  She never apologized or even admitted to any of her part in that incident.  She also told people I faked the back pain so I could quit working because I was lazy.
  • My mother stole the savings bonds her mother left me when she died in 2001.  I had to go after her with proof of what the inheritance was worth & copies of the cashed bonds to get it back.  When she sent me a check, I saw she wrote in the memo line, “What you claim Grandma owes you.”
  • Most recently, in 2016.. my mother in-law died.  I hadn’t spoken to her since 2002 because she was so cruel to me.  My parents knew this.  When my parents learned of her passing, they called me & were mad I didn’t tell them in time to attend the funeral & “pay their respects.”  I was stunned that was an option.  I expected them to tell me what a great woman she was, even though they only spoke to her twice in their lives.  I ended up so hurt & angry that I cried & cussed at my parents, which is not my normal behavior.  The more upset I got, the more bored my mother acted.  She then tried getting me to feel sorry for her because she has vertigo.  It didn’t work.  We haven’t spoken since.

 

These are only a few examples.  I have a LOT more.

So anyway, I was thinking of these things & others, & it hit me.  My mother has a LOT of nerve thinking she is entitled to my help after not only doing all of these things, but also not once accepting any responsibility or apologizing for any of the abuse she’s inflicted on me.  She is still the same abusive monster she was when I was a kid.  Her tactics may be different now, but she is still out to hurt & control me  as much as possible if given the chance.  This quickly got rid of any guilt I felt regarding her.

My point (finally, I know.. sorry!) is this….

If you are struggling with feeling guilty regarding your narcissistic parent, for being no contact or feel like now that your parent is elderly & frail, you should take care of her even if you haven’t spoken in years, I really suggest doing what I did.

Consider your relationship with your narcissistic parent.  Think about the things your parent did to you.  Has your parent shown any signs of improving their behavior?  Has she admitted any wrongdoing at all?  If your parent is like most narcissists, you honestly can say no to those questions.  And, if you can say no to those questions, then you need to maintain distance to protect yourself & your mental health.

If you’re still feeling any guilt at this point, also remember- people reap what they sow.  Galatians 6:7 says:

“Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. ” (KJV)

A person who sows bad seeds will reap a bad harvest, period.  This means that an abusive parent will not be treated with love & kindness indefinitely as a good parent would be treated.  A person can only take so much before they pull away from their abuser, even if that abuser is their parent.  It’s the natural way of things.  You aren’t being petty, childish or any other awful thing people may say you are by putting distance between you & your narcissistic parent.  You’re simply a part of the normal system of reaping & sowing.

 

Lastly, you are NOT dishonoring your abusive parent with either low or no contact.  By maintaining low or no contact, you are removing the opportunity for your parent to sin.  Your parent can’t abuse you if you aren’t there.  You’re also encouraging her to improve her behavior by giving her consequences for her actions.  That is very honorable & loving!  Anyone who tells you that you’re not honoring your narcissistic parent or thinks it’s honorable to tolerate anything your parent dishes out truly does NOT know God or understand His word at all.

 

So remember, Dear Reader… you have no valid reasons to feel guilty regarding your narcissistic parent, but if you do feel guilty, remind yourself of what your parent has done to you like I did.

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Ways Narcissists Try To Silence Their Victims, part 1

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Why Do Narcissists Have Children?

Have you ever wondered why people so incredibly self centered as narcissists have children?  I have.  God showed me a couple of reasons why my parents had me, but I’ve also wondered about narcissists in general, not only my parents, have kids.  I think I have figured out some of their “logic”, if you can call it that.

 

The narcissist who was abused or neglected as a child often has a root of shame, I believe, which is why they work so hard to convince people they are so wonderful, amazing, etc.  They’re also trying to convince themselves that they are so wonderful, amazing, etc.  By becoming a parent, this proves to themselves & everyone else that someone found them desirable.  Someone  took this big step with them, so they must be pretty fantastic, right?!

 

If the narcissist grew up feeling or being told she was abnormal somehow,  having a child can be a way to prove to the world that she is normal.  Having children is a perfectly normal step for many people, so if she can have a child, it proves to her & other people that she must be normal.

 

Children are also made to make their narcissistic parent look good, & we know all narcissists are obsessed with appearances.  If the narcissistic parent can mold their child into whatever she wants the child to be, that parent can then take credit for the child’s talents, successes, good looks or anything.  And, if this child is perfect, he or she will prove to the narcissistic parent that her abusive parents were wrong about her, that she really isn’t bad or unlovable as her parents told her she was.

 

This “perfect” child also can gain the narcissistic parent attention for being such a wonderful parent as to raise this perfect little human being.  People notice exceptional children, so as long as this child is perfect, the narcissistic parent will lap up all of the praise & admiration she receives for her amazing parenting skills.  What the narcissistic parent fails to realize is that no child is perfect, & expecting the child to be is putting a tremendous amount of pressure on the child.  Trying to meet impossibly high standards creates a great amount of anxiety in anyone, but especially a child who just wants his or her parent’s love.

 

Often, if two narcissists have children together, one will take the main role in raising the child.  That parent gets to enjoy being in control in this capacity as well as looking self-sacrificing & martyr like by doing everything all by herself with virtually no help from the other parent.

 

Because children need their parents, this also feeds the narcissistic parent’s narcissism.  They rely on their child’s dependency because it makes them feel valuable & good to be needed.  They don’t take into consideration that at some point, that child is going to grow up & move on.  It’s as if that thought isn’t even a possibility to the narcissistic parent, so when that happens, they feel betrayed by their child.  How dare that child do something normal by growing up!  Doesn’t the child know that their role is to stay a child as long as the parent wants?!

 

Some parents also have children because they foolishly believe that will repair their relationship or force the partner to stay with them so they can raise the child together.  They mistakenly believe that if they have a child together, their partner will start treating them right or love them more, when nothing could be further from the truth.

 

Along those lines, the narcissist who was abused as a child may think that having a baby will fix her relationship with her abusive parents.  She may think no grandparent couldn’t love their grandchild, so if she gives her parents a grandchild, she finally may have her parents’ love.

 

There are countless reasons people want to start a family, but when it comes to narcissists, you can be sure all of their reasons will be unhealthy.  They will be entirely self-serving to the narcissist, & the child will suffer because of it.

 

 

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About Harassment & Stalking

I really don’t think there are a lot of people who understand the depths of depravity that it takes for someone to harass & even stalk their victims.  Not so long ago, if a person broke up with their significant other, & that person stalked them, it was thought of as almost romantic.  “See how much that person loves you?  They won’t leave you alone- that is love!”  The same sort of mentality was in place if it’s a friendship that ended.  “That friend must really care about you if s/he won’t take no for an answer!”

 

The truth is though, there is nothing loving & romantic about stalkers & harassers.  They don’t love their victims.  They love having control over their victims & even the narcissistic supply they may get from them, but they do NOT love their victims!

 

People like this are incredibly dangerous, as was proven here in Maryland recently.  By now if you’re in the USA, I’m sure you heard about the shooter at the Capital Gazette newspaper building in Annapolis.  If not, here is one article on the topic:  https://patch.com/maryland/severnapark/s/ggidf/accused-newspaper-gunmans-rampage-was-almost-8-years-making?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_term=police+%26+fire&utm_campaign=autopost&utm_content=severnapark

 

Apparently this person who murdered innocent people in cold blood started out harassing someone.  His behavior escalated & ended up in mass murder.

 

People who stalk & harass victims are NOT mentally stable!  Something clearly must be wrong with them to think that behavior is acceptable in the first place.  Obviously they have narcissistic tendencies at the very least to be so convinced that what they want matters more than the fact they’re terrifying & making their victims miserable, although I’m sure many are malignant narcissists or even sociopaths.

 

If you are in the position of being harassed or even stalked, please, PLEASE be careful!  Never underestimate the person harassing or stalking you.  Granted, most do not go as far as the man in this article did, but some do.  You don’t know for sure that the person abusing you will or won’t become so violent.

 

Being stalked & harassed is terrifying, & you have every right to feel afraid!  I’ve been through it twice & no one thought it was a big deal aside from me.  They couldn’t seem to understand why I lived in terror wondering what was next?  What were these people capable of doing to me?  No doubt you feel the same way.  Do NOT let anyone convince you it’s no big deal, or the person doesn’t mean any harm.  Maybe they don’t mean any harm other than to scare you as revenge for severing ties with them.  However, maybe they do mean to harm you.  You don’t know so don’t trust the person at all!

 

Ignore this person at all costs.  Any acknowledgment you give them, they may take as a sign the relationship is back on.

 

Do not believe them if they say they just want to talk or to apologize.  That is said just to lure you back into their dysfunctional web.

 

Look into laws for harassment & stalking in your state.  Talk to the local police, too.  Make sure you know what laws are in place & what you can do to protect yourself.

 

Use wisdom when & if bringing the law into the situation.  Some people aren’t going to be stopped by a restraining order.  In fact, some may get more vicious or violent.  If you aren’t sure what to do, pray & listen to what God tells you is best in your situation.

 

Document EVERYTHING!  Save voicemail messages, texts, messages & emails.  Save all documentation on a cloud storage service or email them to yourself, saving them on your email server.  Phones & computers die, & you don’t want to lose your evidence!

 

Block every possible means of communication this person can use to contact you.  Change your phone number & change your name on social media.  Chances are, they will find ways around your blocks, so keep blocking them.

 

Tell people in your life what is happening.  Make sure plenty of people know that this person is harassing you & plenty of details about the situation.  It can’t hurt to have other people being able to confirm your story to law enforcement if it comes to that.

 

If the person abusing you comes to your home, a home security system or at least outdoor cameras may be an excellent investment.  Many outdoor cameras connect to your cell phone & record video that is stored on a cloud server.

 

Don’t go out alone if you can help it.  Many stalkers aren’t going to bother you if you aren’t alone.  Also, if you have a pet, don’t let your pet outside alone.  Better safe than sorry!

 

And remember, it may get worse before it gets better.  With any luck, your stalker will get bored that you’ve been ignoring him/her & move on.  Prior to moving on though, they will step up the activity.  You may get even more emails or phone calls.  Keep ignoring them.  Do NOT give this person the time of day!  Remember they are just trying to get your attention.  Refuse to give it to them!  If you do, they will draw you back in & things will be even worse than before you ended the relationship.  Ignore, ignore, ignore!!

 

I pray you’re never in this type of situation, but if you are, Dear Reader, stay safe.  God bless you!  xoxo

 

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Dysfunctional Behaviors Of People Raised By Narcissistic Parents

 

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Some Reasons People Try To Stop Victims From Discussing Narcissistic Abuse

I’m sure we’ve all been there.  We try to discuss some about our traumatic situations with a narcissist only to be met with someone trying to shut us down.  They clearly don’t want to hear about it & say things to invalidate your pain such as “Just get over it already,”  “Lots of people were abused by their parents but you don’t hear them talking about it,”  or (possibly the stupidest one yet) “But that’s your MOTHER/FATHER!!”

When this happens, it can make you feel bad in many ways.  It can make you ashamed of “whining”, it can make you feel like you’re petty or overreacting to things that weren’t a big deal, or it can make you feel like a bad son/daughter or even Christian for being upset about your parents abusing you.

Dear Reader, I want to tell you today, please do NOT feel bad when someone treats you this way!  The truth is, their wanting to shut you down is about them, NOT you!  These people have their reasons for wanting to shut you down,  They aren’t good reasons, but they also have nothing to do with you.

The person may be gaining something from supporting/enabling your narcissistic parent or partner.  What that is can be anything- maybe they get money, things or even just the narcissist’s praise.  If this person is also a narcissist as many flying monkeys are, that praise is extremely important to them after all.  This person obviously is not willing to jeopardize losing whatever it is he or she is gaining, so it is more beneficial for them to shut you down than to listen to what you have to say.

The person also may have their own issues, & you facing yours reminds them of theirs.  That can make them want to shut you down quickly, because you make them feel uncomfortable by reminding them of their similar situations.

What if a person has codependency issues?  If that person is raised in an emotionally incestuous/parentalizing environment, that person is going to believe it is a child’s job to take care of & cater to their parent forever.  At least until such time as they learn how unhealthy this situation is.  But, if a person doesn’t realize how unhealthy it is, they think everyone should do as they do, & cater to & care for their parents no matter what.  They may even think it’s loving & “Godly” to tolerate whatever abuse their parents dish out.  If you’re standing up for yourself, setting boundaries or even *gasp* saying your parents are less than perfect, to this person, you are committing a terrible sin in this person’s eyes.  They want to shut you down so they don’t have to hear about it.  They think everyone should do as they do.  That is their reality & it makes them uncomfortable if you threaten it in any way.

There are two other possibilities that God spoke to me when my father was dying in October, 2017.  As I wrote about before, at the time, people continually harassed & tried to bully me into visiting my father.   I mean, not only daily but often multiple times in a day.  I eventually asked God why were they so cruel to me?  He told me two things…

They were in denial about my father.  They wanted to believe he was a good guy, & me refusing to speak to him threatened that denial.  They wanted me to go to him so they could remain in denial.  After all, if I went, it would be proof to them that all was fine.  People in denial will do about anything to protect their delusions.

God also said to me that they don’t know me now.  They remembered me as that scared of everything little kid I once was, that was also blindly obedient to my parents.  By that person being strong enough to face her own issues, it makes them feel weak for not facing theirs.  They wanted to push me back into being like I used to be so they didn’t have to feel weak.  If the person in your situation knew you when you were being abused, they knew a different version of you.  They knew the beat down victim that we all have been at some point.  It’s very possible that they may want you to stay that way so they don’t have to feel badly for not dealing with their own issues.

Just remember, Dear Reader, when people invalidate you or try to shut you down, it’s not your fault.  It’s not about you.  It’s about them & their own issues.

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Why Children Of Narcissists Have Trouble Setting Goals

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Thoughts About Honoring Parents

I recently read an article about Father’s Day. In it, the author gave valid reasons why we should honor our fathers. It was a very good article, but one thing about it bothered me- the author didn’t mention how exactly to honor our fathers. I thought I would discuss it here. Actually, I’ll refer to honoring parents, not only fathers.

When you have good & loving parents, you don’t have to have strict boundaries. Your parents respect them naturally, so boundaries aren’t a concern. However, with narcissistic parents, you have to have & enforce very strict boundaries. This is very honorable, because these boundaries encourage your parent to behave in a healthier manner.

When Mother’s Day or Father’s Day comes around, if you have good parents, you can be a blessing to them, enjoy yourself & have zero fear of repercussions. You can spend time with them, give them nice cards & gifts. Narcissistic parents? No. Doing those things for your narcissistic parents basically tells them their abuse is OK. You’ll show them love no matter how awfully they treat you. This is why it’s important to give more minimal gifts & rather neutral cards- you are recognizing them as your parents but at the same time, you’re not praising them for their great parenting skills. You never want to reward bad behavior!

Even going no contact can be very honorable when it comes to abusive parents. While many people think that no contact is dishonorable, it really isn’t. By severing ties, you are removing the opportunity for an abusive person to abuse you & commit sinful acts. You are also encouraging that person to change their behavior for the better, because you won’t have them in your life if they are abusive. You’re also removing the temptation from yourself of going off on the abuser.

Dear Reader, there is never, EVER anything honorable about tolerating abuse, & that includes tolerating it from parents. If you still have doubts, read this…

Psalm 101:5 (AMP)

“Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will silence;
The one who has a haughty look and a proud (arrogant) heart I will not tolerate.”

This verse tells me that God has no patience for narcissism. Since as His children we are called to be like Him (Ephesians 5:1-2; 1 Thessalonians 2:4), then we should have no patience for narcissism either, no matter who that narcissist is! If people disapprove of your refusal to tolerate your narcissistic parent’s abuse, well, that is their problem. Your job is to live a life that pleases God, not man…

Jeremiah 17:5

“Thus saith the LORD; Cursed [be] the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the LORD.” (KJV)

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Narcissists & Food

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