How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

While most people have a desire to please other people naturally, no one is born a dysfunctional people pleaser.  Crossing into being dysfunctional means that pleasing other people reins supreme in your life, even above pleasing yourself & taking care of yourself.  It results in toxic relationships with abusive people who take advantage of you.  It also can cause many problems in your own life.  Your finances, mental & physical health can be severely damaged or destroyed by being a people pleaser.  Clearly, the life of a people pleaser isn’t a good life in any way!  Breaking free from people pleasing ways isn’t easy but it is possible, & that is what I hope you will learn from this post today.

To start with healing from any dysfunctional behavior, I firmly believe it’s best to heal the dysfunctional thoughts & beliefs that started you on this road.  Doing so will change your behavior naturally as you heal.

Learning how to be a people pleaser often starts early with children whose parents were narcissistic.  These parents don’t have normal expectations for their children, such as wanting them to learn, grow & one day become independent adults.  Instead, they teach their children some very dysfunctional & toxic things, & those children need to unlearn these things.

One thing they teach their children is that their love is conditional.  They are only worthy of love if they please their narcissistic parent in some way.  This belief ends up transferring to other people as well, & these children try hard to earn the love of people in their lives by doing anything they want them to do.  Children who grew up with parents like this need to learn that no matter what they do or don’t do, they deserve to be loved.  And, anyone who insists they do things to earn their love truly doesn’t love them.  Someone who genuinely loves won’t demand anyone earn their love

Another toxic lesson people pleasers learned early is that they only deserve attention when they are accomplishing something that pleases their narcissistic parent.  If these children aren’t doing something that pleases their narcissistic parent at all times, they believe they are unworthy of attention.  The truth however is that is completely wrong!  No one should feel they have to fade into the background just because at a certain moment they aren’t doing something.  Your actions & behaviors alone don’t make you worthy of attention from anyone.

Narcissistic parents teach their children that they are only worthy of praise & kind words when doing as they are told to do.  The more a child ignores their own wants, needs & feelings & focuses on doing whatever their parent wants, the greater chance they will be shown some kindness.  Since that kindness is so rare, children in this situation focus more on their parents & less on themselves.  This is so unhealthy!  Everyone needs to have balance between doing for themselves & other people.  Contrary to what these children learn, it is NOT selfish or wrong to take care of themselves & do things they want to do sometimes.

These sick, twisted beliefs need to be rejected & healthier ones need to take their place.  When you’re in a position of people pleasing, ask yourself why you feel you need to do what you feel you need to.  Is it because you genuinely want to do this for someone or do you feel obligated to?  Are you trying to earn favor with this person?  Answer yourself honestly!  If you are unsure, then pray.  Ask God to show you what your true motives are & to help you get healthier.  He will be glad to if you just ask.

For The People Pleasers

Those abused by narcissists, in particular raised by narcissistic parents, tend to be people pleasers to an extreme.  Under the abusive influence, you learn that you are to have no needs & never to burden anyone with your so called “trivial” wants, needs & feelings. You also learn that love is conditional & if you want love, you must do everything right.  It’s the perfect recipe for becoming a people pleaser.

Finally comes a time when you realize you are exhausted & depressed.  This people pleasing thing is extremely hard work & incredibly unrewarding.  Instead of people loving you & appreciating all that you do for them, they expect more & more from you.  They also expect you to do for them no matter what is happening with you.  You could be sad or busy or sick, & they still expect you to do whatever pleases them with no regard to you.  The unfairness of it all makes you mad.

You also realize that no matter how hard you try, pleasing people is impossible to do all of the time.  Being a mere human being, you will fail sometimes.  You will miss the mark.  Those who expect you to please them have little patience for your failures, & can be very cruel.  This adds to your anger & depression.

You also realize you can’t spend all of your life trying to make other people comfortable & happy.  It’s not your job!  Besides, many of the people you worry about making comfortable & happy don’t care about making you comfortable in return, so the relationship is very one-sided.  This unfair burden is maddening.

You also reach a time of being fed up with other people’s expectations.  You will become very angry that people expect so much of you while giving you little or even nothing in return.  You finally realize that it’s detrimental to your mental & emotional health to make pleasing others a priority while ignoring yourself. 

One day you are going to be furious that you lost your identity while trying to please other people.  You will realize that you have no idea who the real you is & that too will make you angry.  That realization is scary & painful.  It leaves you feeling completely lost. 

You also will become fed up with constantly having to defend yourself.  When you can’t do something that is expected of you by the ungrateful, using types, they get angry & say & do the cruelest things as a way of punishing you for not doing what they think you’re supposed to do.  That gets old!

The life of a people pleaser is not an easy one.  It also isn’t the one that God wants anyone to live!  The purpose of this post today is to help inspire you to break free of that extremely dysfunctional role!

Stop worrying about pleasing everyone!  It’s impossible anyway.  Instead, worry about pleasing God, yourself, & those safe & wonderful people closest to you!

Learn who you are, & embrace that person.  Psalm 139:14 says that you are fearfully & wonderfully made.  In other words, God doesn’t make trash.  He made you into the special, wonderful person that you are.

You deserve the same happiness you’re trying to give other people.  Don’t be afraid to help yourself to some happiness for a change!