Tag Archives: prayer

Feeling Sorry For Narcissists

I feel a degree of pity for narcissists, even the ones who have tried to destroy me.  It’s so sad to me that they felt they had to resort to behaving so horribly to cope with the pain in their lives or their insecurities.  It’s sad how afraid so many are & everything they do is out of that fear.  It’s sad that they waste their entire lives being angry, bitter, hateful & pushing away those closest to them.  Many are even full of anger, bitterness & hate on their death beds.  These people live pathetic lives not knowing what it is like to love, really love.  What lonely, empty, superficial lives they live.

 

This being said, it certainly doesn’t mean I think narcissists deserve a free pass to abuse.  Being abused is NOT an excuse to abuse others!  Being abusive is a choice, not a consequence of experiencing abuse!  If you don’t believe me, consider this example: your narcissistic mother ignores your requests to change her behavior so she doesn’t hurt you.  She clearly is opting to continue abusing you, isn’t she?

 

The pain in their pasts also doesn’t negate your pain.  Please never tell yourself that it’s OK- the narcissist had a hard life too or they had it harder than you did.  It’s not OK!   Never invalidate your own pain!  You don’t deserve that!  You were no doubt invalidated enough by your narcissistic parent- don’t do it to yourself too!  Invalidation is abuse, no matter who does it, even when you do it to yourself.  It has the potential for causing a victim all kinds of problems- bad coping skills, low self-esteem, guilt, shame, placing the needs of others before yourself even when you are in crisis, & even Borderline Personality Disorder.  Don’t do this to yourself!  It is very possible to feel sorry for your narcissistic parent while not trivializing or invalidating your pain.

 

Why pity narcissists?  They are horrible people, right?  Honestly, I don’t think it’s necessary to pity narcissists to heal.  Some people think it’s foolishness, in fact.  And this works fine for them.  There is nothing wrong with that thinking.

 

For me, however, feeling that degree of pity that I do for narcissists enables me to pray for them.

 

The Bible tells us to pray for our enemies…

 

Matthew 5:43-48  “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor (fellow man) and hate your enemy.’ 44 “But I say to you, [a]love [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for] your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may [show yourselves to] be the children of your Father who is in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on those who are evil and on those who are good, and makes the rain fall on the righteous [those who are morally upright] and the unrighteous [the unrepentant, those who oppose Him]. 46 For if you love [only] those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do that? 47 And if you greet only your brothers [wishing them God’s blessing and peace], what more [than others] are you doing? Do not even the Gentiles [who do not know the Lord] do that? 48 You, therefore, will be perfect [growing into spiritual maturity both in mind and character, actively integrating godly values into your daily life], as your heavenly Father is perfect.”  (AMP)

 

Praying for those who hurt you isn’t an option if you wish to live a holy, Christian life.  It also isn’t easy.  In fact, praying for someone who hurt you is hard enough, but praying for someone who tried to destroy you is a thousand times harder.

 

God dealt with me a couple of years ago about praying for my parents & in-laws.  I didn’t feel able to do it.  My parents & mother in-law were incredibly cruel to me, & frankly I didn’t much care about any of them.  Once I started thinking about them, I felt some pity for them.  My mother was abused by her mother, which is why she turned narcissistic I believe.  My father wasn’t abused, but had a terrible traumatic brain injury at only 15 that I believe may be at the root of his narcissism.  His behavior changed after it.  That TBI has given him many health problems.  My mother in-law had a very sad upbringing & many difficult years married to my father in-law.  Thinking about such things plus the other things I have mentioned above their behavior has caused stirred up pity in me for them.  I now pray for my parents & in-laws daily, & even set up reminders on my cell phone so I don’t forget.  Not knowing what they need specifically, I simply ask God to save them, meet all of their needs & bless them.  Praying this way I hope has been a blessing to them, but at the very least, it feels good to me.  It shows me that try as they might, they haven’t destroyed my good heart.

 

Feeling pity for narcissists isn’t always necessary & certainly isn’t easy.  However, it can benefit you by enabling you to pray for them.

 

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Narcissism

God Will Give You Great Wisdom

James 1:5  “If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask him, and he will gladly tell you, for he is always ready to give a bountiful supply of wisdom to all who ask him; he will not resent it.”  (TLB)

 

As many of you know, I have C-PTSD.  It’s badly damaged how I think & my short term memory.  Then in 2015, I got carbon monoxide poisoning which caused me to pass out & hit my head, further damaging my brain.  Thanks to these problems, I’m really not as smart as I once was, & it can be simply maddening.

 

The above Scripture has helped me a great deal with my physical limitations.  I lean on God so much more than I used to for giving me wisdom, & He has not disappointed me.  I’m not bragging about my intelligence.  I am bragging how generous God has been!

 

So many times in my life, I have been stuck in a painful situation I didn’t want to be in, & God has shown me creative ways to get out of the situation or to cope with it so it isn’t so painful to me.  One that comes to mind immediately happened a few years ago.  My narcissistic mother told me I was going to take her to & from the doctor who is almost 30 miles away.  I had things going on that day & didn’t want to do it, but she refused to reschedule her appointment.  This had happened many times & I was tired of it.  It also bothered me we’d be taking her car & not mine- I hate being trapped without my own vehicle.  I asked God to help me get through the day &  I needed a creative way to either get out of this in the future, or for Him to put it on my mother’s heart to be more open to my schedule, not only hers.  As we were leaving the doctor’s office, God gave me an idea- drive home like we were on a NASCAR track.  There wasn’t much traffic, so I did.  I had a lot of fun speeding down the highway, & my mother was especially angry because it was her car I drove that way.  That was the last day my mother saw this particular doctor.  LOL  He wasn’t doing her any good anyway- she just got narcissistic supply from him & his staff because they listened to her.  They didn’t help her pain at all.

 

So many other times in the past few years since developing my physical problems, I have needed wisdom & asked God for it. He has answered those prayers every time.  From simple things, like creating a routine for maintaining my home that keeps my place very clean but isn’t hard for me, to more challenging things like how to deal with financial problems, God has helped me every time.  He has even helped me to understand my narcissistic parents, which has helped me so much!  Understanding them has shown me that I’m not the problem, & they have some serious issues that aren’t my fault.  Talk about a blessing!  After hearing how I was always the problem, this knowledge has truly comforted me more than I can say.

 

What areas do you need wisdom in, Dear Reader?  Whatever your needs, I encourage you to ask God for wisdom.  He will grant you wisdom & creativity far above & beyond anything you can imagine.  Whether your situation is like mine where you need more wisdom to handle daily life or it is a one time frustrating situation, be prepared to be amazed when you ask God to give you wisdom.

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Your Ministry

I was just listening to T.D Jakes’ “Sacred Love Songs” cd.  In case you don’t know it, it’s songs based on his wonderful book, “The Lady, Her Lover & Her Lord.”  One of the songs on the cd is called, “You Are My Ministry.”  You can see the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuJq1Uuvyj8  It’s a beautiful song, as you can hear.

 

The song also made a good point- your ministry isn’t only in the pulpit or serving others somehow.  Your spouse is also your ministry!

 

When you’re serving others, it can be easy to get caught up in that ministry.  It feels good to help others.  It’s very rewarding!  But, don’t neglect that wonderful man or woman you married!  That person should be your top priority, after God of course.

 

Listening to that song convicted me.  I haven’t been praying for my husband as much as I should.  I’ve been too focused on praying for my readers, my facebook group & writing blog posts.  Not that these things are bad, of course, but my world needs to expand a bit, & I need to pray more for my husband.  His job is pretty stressful, his elderly father can be very demanding & we need a lot done around our home.  He definitely needs covered in prayer on a regular basis.

 

What about you?  Are you praying for your spouse enough?  If not, maybe it’s time to ask God to burden your heart to remember to pray for him more often & show you how to pray for him.  I am doing that myself, once this post is finished.  I also may listen to that song more frequently- it’s not only a beautiful song but a great reminder, too.

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Please Read- Changes Are Coming & I’d Appreciate Your Prayers

Over the years, some of my readers have told me that they believe I’m a warrior for those who have endured narcissistic abuse.  That has always stuck in the back of my mind because I knew it was important.

 

Just recently, their words came to the forefront of my mind & wouldn’t leave.  I knew it was important but didn’t know why.  Every time I got onto Facebook the other day, I got a hint.  I kept finding memes that said things about how victims of abuse need a voice when they can’t speak up, don’t be afraid to speak up against abuse, & other similar topics.  I think it was 7 memes I found that spoke such messages to me.  I realized what the purpose of all of this was.

 

I need to be more outspoken against narcissistic abuse, & to help educate people about its devastating effects.  People don’t know much, if anything, about such topics unless they have been a victim, & that needs to change.  I realize that I alone can’t change the world, but hopefully I can make a difference.

 

How I need to make a difference, I’m not entirely sure!  So far, I think I need to focus on promoting & encouraging people to participate in The Butterfly Project with me, & share what I learn no only here in my blog, but also in my Facebook group & personal page.

 

I’d like to ask for prayer on this topic from you, Dear Readers.  I need to know what to do & how to do it.  I also need wisdom & courage to do God’s will.

 

While I feel peace about this, a part of me is also somewhat nervous.

 

I feel that God will want me to make some of the posts on my personal Facebook page public, which is something I never do. This also allows people I’m not friends with to see those posts, which makes me uncomfortable.  I don’t want strangers peek into my life.  This also could include people my parents know who are on Facebook.  While I know the things I write about regarding my parents are true & never said in a hateful way, they would be furious if they knew what I write about.  I really don’t want to deal with that.

 

Sharing on my personal Facebook also makes me nervous because when I’ve shared things about narcissism, C-PTSD & (rarely) my own experiences, some people I know have been less than supportive.  I’ve been told to get over it, I’m using C-PTSD for attention, I need to figure out how to work things out with my parents, they won’t be around forever & other invalidating, cruel things.  While I can handle their ignorance or spitefulness,  it’s just not something I care to deal with.  I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m simply tired of people who think I’m stupid, unreasonable, etc. or who project their own issues onto me.  I try to avoid that as much as possible, & putting things on my personal Facebook page, even just attempting to educate people, could potentially open the door for such people

 

So as I mentioned, I really could use some prayer to help me do whatever it is God would have me do.  Thank you so much, Dear Readers!  And, you’re in my prayers as well!  xoxo

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism, Writing

One Way To More Inner Peace & Joy

Matthew 5:44  “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;”  (KJV)

 

Lately, the “pray for them which despitefully use you, & persecute you” part of this Scripture has been weighing heavily on my heart.

 

Praying for those who hurt you can be extremely difficult for even the most devoted Christian.  I’m certainly no exception to that, so when God recently put it on my heart to pray more frequently for my mother after yet another difficult conversation, I was less than thrilled.  I prayed for her sometimes, but not daily.  Not even as often as it came into my mind that I should pray for her.  It was too difficult to sincerely pray for my mother since she’s hurt me so much in my life. Once in a while, fine, but that was really about the best I could manage.  Yet, God was telling me to change that.

 

In obedience, I decided to set a daily reminder on my cell phone to pray for my mother every morning.  Once I started though, I realized that daily prayer was becoming easier & more sincere.  Shortly after, God put it on my heart to add my father to the daily prayer.  Once I was feeling pretty comfortable praying for them both, He wanted me to add my in-laws.

 

*sigh*  Really?  The in-laws?  After all the awful things my mother in-law put me through?!  The nastiness of my sisters in-law, including them updating my husband on his ex for many years after we were married?!  Ok, fine.  They’re on the prayer list too, although grudgingly at first.

 

God then expanded my prayers even more, by asking me to pray daily for a former friend of mine who hurt me deeply almost six years ago.  Oh come on, God!  Seriously?!  Fine… added this person to my morning prayers.

 

Then, the icing on the cake was asking me to pray for someone who harassed me for over two years.  I did that the other night for the first time.  It was hard, but I did it.  Already, that’s getting easier.

 

I’m glad I’ve started this daily prayer, even though it was hard at first.  What the Bible doesn’t mention in Matthew 5:44 is that praying for people who have hurt you creates a deep peace inside.  I feel more relaxed & less anger or hurt when I think of these people now.  I also feel even closer to God than I did before starting this which has brought me more joy.  It’s absolutely wonderful!!

 

I know it can be somewhat overwhelming to think about doing this, Dear Reader, but why don’t you give it a try too?  It really is worth it!  Pray for the person who has hurt you a great deal in your life, just because you love God & want to please Him.  If at first you pray through clenched teeth, God will understand!  If you tell him you’re only praying for that person because you know He wants you too even though you don’t really mean it right now, He gets that too!  The more you pray, the easier it becomes, & the more peace & joy you will feel.  You will be blessed!

 

Try it today, Dear Reader.  Pray for your abuser.  Ask God to help you to do so if need be.  What do you have to lose?

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Caregiving, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Praying For Others Who Hurt You

Recently, I saw this Scripture…

 

Proverbs 6:16-19  “16 These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:  17 A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, 18 An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, 19 A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.”  (KJV)

Immediately, I thought of my mother.  She has done all of these things.  Immediately after I thought of that, I felt a burden to pray for her.  I decided that since my memory is pretty bad, I’d set an alarm on my cell phone to remind me to pray for her every morning.  Shortly after, I decided to add my father to that morning prayer.

 

I don’t know what’s going to happen, if they will change or not.  It is up to them if they respond to or ignore God’s promptings to change.  However, whether or not they do, I know praying for them is changing me.  It’s only been a few days, but so far, so good.  I feel a new peace knowing I have done something good for them.

 

When someone hurts or abuses you, it’s so hard to pray for them at first.  It may even take years before you feel able to do so, especially when the hurt goes deep.  I have been a Christian since February, 1996, & in that time, I admit, I haven’t prayed much for my parents or even my in-laws.  They all hurt me too deeply.  I tried, but sometimes prayed through gritted teeth.    Starting to pray for my parents regularly this time hasn’t been easy, but I pushed through.  I am glad I did, because the more I do it, the easier it gets.  The more sincere I am in my prayers.  And, I’ll probably add the in-laws to my daily prayers.

 

I know this may seem a very daunting task, but why don’t you give it a try too?  Even when you pray through gritted teeth like me, God will honor your willingness to do so & make it easier for you to pray for them.  You truly will be blessed when you pray for others as I have been.

 

 

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Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

God Wants To Bless You!

I want to share this story to encourage you today, Dear Readers.  God does care about infinitely about you, & what you care about!  He also still does miracles today- miracles weren’t reserved only for Biblical times!  I know it can be hard to believe such things, especially when you’re dealing with a narcissistic mother, but they’re very true!

As I mentioned in this post, hubby & I had to take one of our cats into the vet for his annual checkup on Monday.  I was to call the vet yesterday for the results of his bloodwork, & wow, did I get a surprise!  The vet’s exact words were, “His bloodwork was PERFECT.”  I was stunned, & even asked the vet if he was sure.  He was!  I asked about the liver carcinoma that Pretty Boy had been diagnosed with in October, 2013.  The vet was obviously confused, & said there’s no sign of it- maybe the other vet who saw him mistook a benign mass for carcinoma.  Normally, I respect anything this man says- he’s been our vet for 20 years, & is among the best in the Baltimore area.  However, the other vet who diagnosed Pretty Boy with the liver carcinoma didn’t make a mistake.  She was almost as good as he is, plus she did a blood test & an ultrasound, so there was no doubt as to her diagnosis.  It obviously also difficult for her to tell me there was nothing that could be done for him, & she didn’t expect him to be around much longer.  I began to pray for him regularly as soon as we got this news, & God truly answered my prayers!

God truly hears our prayers, even when we feel like He doesn’t.  He also truly cares about what we care about.  When you pray, please be encouraged that God is listening!  He may not answer your prayer as you think He should, but still trust Him!  He knows best, & is worthy of your faith!

And, for those of you pet parents reading this, please never doubt that God loves your furkids even more than you do.  I know, many in the Christian community doubt this, believing animals have no souls, or are only here for people to use (or eat) as they see fit.  I must disagree with this however!  Ecclesiastes 3:19 says, “For that which befalls the sons of men befalls beasts; even [in the end] one thing befalls them both. As the one dies, so dies the other. Yes, they all have one breath and spirit, so that a [a]man has no preeminence over a beast; for all is vanity (emptiness, falsity, and futility)!” (AMP)  Here it is in the Message translation, too “19-22 Humans and animals come to the same end—humans die, animals die. We all breathe the same air. So there’s really no advantage in being human. None. Everything’s smoke. We all end up in the same place—we all came from dust, we all end up as dust. Nobody knows for sure that the human spirit rises to heaven or that the animal spirit sinks into the earth. So I made up my mind that there’s nothing better for us men and women than to have a good time in whatever we do—that’s our lot. Who knows if there’s anything else to life?”  This tells me that God loves animals just as much as people.  So, I encourage you to pray for your pets!  They are entrusted to us to care for them, to feed & shelter them, to love them.. what better way to care for them than to pray for them?

For further information about what the Bible says about animals, I have written a book on the topic.  You can find it at this link: Pawprints On Our Hearts paperback or Pawprints On Our Hearts ebook

Also, here is a picture of my handsome little miracle kitty, Pretty Boy…

pretty boy's best diabetes day ever 01272014

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Filed under Animals, Christian Topics and Prayers

Today’s update

I’m so sorry for my absence lately, Dear Readers!  But, thank you to everyone for your prayers, & concern.

My father is still in the hospital.  The pain meds have him acting very different.  Very angry & hallucinating.  They cut back on them & I think it’s helping some.  He’s in much less pain & having some moments of clarity.

It’s been interesting dealing with my narcissistic mother.  She’s showing her narcissistic ways but not as much as I expected.  Also seems like she’s grateful for my help.

So, there’s my brief update.  I’m exhausted & heading to bed.  Thank you for your patience, understanding, compassion & prayers.  Sending you much love!!

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What’s Happening In My Little Corner Of The World & A Prayer Request

Dear Readers, I may not be posting much in the next few days.  My father’s in the hospital with extremely severe muscle spasms in his lower back.  I mean screaming in pain severe,  & none of the pain killers are helping. The doctors don’t know what’s causing the pain.

If you would, please pray for my father.  Also, for me as well.  My narcissistic mother is using this situation to be all about her.  Not a surprise,  of course.  But, I need God’s wisdom on how to handle dealing with her.  Thank you! xoxo

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Caregiving, Christian Topics and Prayers, Narcissism

Changes

Happy Saturday, Dear Readers!

This has been a somewhat sad day for me.  I shut down my facebook page.  Kept my personal one, but shut down my writing one.  Due to someone harassing me for just over a year now & using that page to contact me, I felt it was best to shut it down.  This has made me a bit sad.  But, in a way, I’m thinking this may be a good thing in a way.  I have a group on facebook where my fans & I can interact.  We talk about all kinds of topics including animals, abuse & related issues, Christianity & naturally narcissism, & share some laughs.  It’s a nice little place, so if you’re on facebook, I’d love it if you’d come check it out.  If you aren’t on facebook or don’t care to join groups, then please check out my forum.  It’s very quiet as it is just starting, but I hope it will pick up the pace quickly.

Both the group & forum are going to be very safe places.  I will police them to be sure troublemakers are removed as soon as they join.  Both also offer some privacy- on facebook, the group is closed, which means although others can see you’re in the group, no one but members can see what you post.  And, the forum?  Only other members can see your posts. I strongly suggest creating a false name as your user name so others who do read your posts won’t know it is you posting if you want annonymity.

I hope to see you soon!  🙂

Here is the facebook group link.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/

And, the forum link.

http://cynthiasforum.boards.net/

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Animals, Caregiving, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Links, Mental Health, Narcissism, Writing

Update For September 18, 2014

Good day, Dear Readers!

I just wanted to let you know that I may be awol for a while. My father is in the hospital as of yesterday. It doesn’t sound terribly serious so far, at least, but any prayers for him are appreciated anyway! 🙂

I’d also like some prayers for myself, as I am extremely stressed. My husband & I have plenty of crises going on right now in addition to this, & I am overwhelmed to say the least. I need to focus on self-care, which is terribly hard for me. I feel selfish when I take care of myself, plus it seems like things need my attention almost 24/7 right now.  It’s extremely stressful, especially with C-PTSD. The stress has my moods flying all over the place, I’m exhausted, my whole body hurts but especially my back & arthritis, anxiety is off the charts high & the hyper-vigilance is especially bad. ARGH!!!!

Plus, many people have the false belief that I am the one who needs to take care of my father, even though my mother is still well able to do so. I don’t have the patience for this- I’ve always been my father’s emotional caregiver, & am worn out with caring for him! I understand the mechanics of this false belief- my father has had serious health problems his whole life & nearly died..in fact, he died on the operating table during brain surgery after a car wreck as a teen, & they brought him back. My grandparents spoiled him a bit out of love. Somehow this morphed into family thinking he always should be coddled & spoiled. Then it became my place do be the primary coddler-spoiler once I became an adult. Understanding this doesn’t mean it is right though!

And, any time my father has been in the hospital, at least 1 relative has chewed me out for something petty, such as using facebook to give updates rather than call. Well, I do that because there are a lot of Baileys! It’s too many to call- facebook offers an easy platform to contact many people at once who can share the news with others. Plus, after dealing with a lot each day when he’s ill (doctors, my mother, the hospital..) I just am not up to dealing with more people. They also fail to realize they are lucky they know anything about him, as my mother refuses to call any of them to give updates- I am doing them a favor.

Yes, I’m angry about that right now. I feel like when I post an update, I have just thrown a grenade & am waiting for the explosion. It’s not fair I have to feel this way.

Let’s also not forget, my parents are both narcissistic. Always makes dealing with them interesting to say the very least…

Angry & overwhelmed.. tons of fun for my already busy C-PTSD brain. ARGH!!

I’m sorry to be so negative today, but you readers know I’m all about being real-good, bad & ugly. I just wanted to let you know what is happening & why I may not be around much for a few days or so. I’ll try to write something more encouraging soon. Thank you for your patience with me & your understanding! I love you & am praying for you! ❤

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Narcissists Are Amazing..

and I don’t mean that in a good way!

I was telling a dear friend of mine earlier about my mother’s horrible phone call last night. She said so many evil, hurtful things to me. The worst part of all was that I could tell she was smiling as she said those things. You know how someone sounds a little different when they smile as they speak? That is what I heard in her voice. The crueler her words, the bigger the smile was, too. It absolutely blew my mind. Although I don’t have children (well, human ones anyway- furkids only), I can’t imagine hurting my child like this, & thoroughly enjoying myself while doing it! I wouldn’t hurt anyone deliberately, let alone find the things that are the most important to them, & use those things to cause the maximum amount of pain possible. I can’t understand how anyone can do that. I know a lot about narcissism, but that doesn’t mean I understand everything about it. I don’t think I ever will.

And the worst part? I really messed up. I got so angry that I cussed at my mother. I am not proud of this at all, & prayed later, asking God to forgive me. I didn’t ask my mother to, because she acted as if I speak to her this way every day. She knew she was pushing my buttons hard, & she got the bad reaction out of me she wanted. Now she can tell people how terribly I speak to her, & she knows what to do to hurt me more than usual. Fantastic… this is going to bite me & bite me hard in the future, I’m sure. It always does when I get angry with my mother, although normally cussing isn’t part of my response.

In case you’re wondering what horrible sin I committed to deserve this treatment, here you go: my mother is mad because my father is coming by to visit me tomorrow. She is mad that I invited him & not her. The irony of this? I didn’t invite him, either. He decided he wants to come by. There was no invitation, & there never is an invitation from me to either him or my mother to come into my home. So there you have it-the reason I deserved to be treated like crap to the point of tears of hurt & frustration.

Amazing, isn’t it?

Dear Readers, please pray for me. I am beyond frustrated on how to deal with my parents. I’m praying for you as well, because I know that many of you understand this awful feeling completely. ❤

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Prayer, Please..

Good afternoon, Dear Readers.

I would like to take a moment & ask for your prayers today. Not many of you know this, but this past January, I learned an ex-boyfriend of mine shot & killed his boyfriend, then himself. I would like to ask you to pray for everyone affected by this tragedy. No doubt his family are still trying to come to terms with what happened. And, I can only imagine the anger & shock his boyfriend’s family must still be feeling.

This has come to mind because it was this day in 1990 that I met my ex. I wonder what happened in his life since I last saw him that brought him to such a dark place. He had been arrested a week before his death, & the mug shot that was online & in the local papers showed someone who has been through a very hard life. Someone who looked at least 20 years older than he really was, & I didn’t even recognize.

So anyway prayers for those affected by this senseless tragedy that has affected these 2 families would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much!!

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New Feature On My Website

Good afternoon , Dear Readers.  🙂

I had an idea…

I added something to my website this morning.  A chat room.  I thought it might be a cool idea- a safe place where people can get together & talk or meet new friends, whether I’m there or not.  I was even thinking about having a monthly (or more frequent) chat.  We could discuss whatever is on your mind pertaining to topics I write about- abuse & recovery, Christian living, animals, & more.

What do you think?

There is one thing  you should know- I’m not familiar with chat rooms & how they work.  So please bear with me as I learn!  I’ll try to learn quickly!

The chat room link is on my website:  http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com   Go check it out!  I hope to see you there!

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Thoughts On Forgiveness

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!

It’s come to my attention recently that not a lot of people really understand true, Godly forgiveness, so I thought I’d write about my thoughts on the topic.

Unforgiveness prevents you from spending your life happy. Unforgiveness is not only detrimental to your emotional/mental health but your physical health too. Things like high blood pressure, diabetes, ulcers, kidney & heart problems can stem from carrying around that negativity. Forgiveness, however, gives you no health problems & gives you peace & joy. It’s no wonder God wants us to forgive! (see Ephesians 4:32)

Unfortunately, I think people often believe forgiving others means you should pretend what hurt you didn’t even happen. Forgive & forget, as the old saying goes. While a lot of times, you should forgive & forget, there are other times that simply isn’t wise! Forget the small infractions, like that person in line behind you bumping your heel with the grocery cart. But if someone repeatedly hurts you, don’t forget that! If you do, basically you’re setting yourself up to be hurt again. For example, if someone is verbally abusive, & you forgive & forget every time, you’re going to be hurt many times. Instead, you need to be aware of what this person is capable of, & protect yourself from her verbal attacks however you feel is right.

Forgiveness also has nothing to do with the person who abused or hurt you- it is about you & you alone. You deserve better than being angry & bitter! Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It doesn’t discredit what was done to you, or a sign of weakness. It means you want to obey God, & be good to yourself at the same time.

Some people think that cutting people out of your life is a sign you hate them, still harbor anger or aren’t a good Christian. This is simply NOT the case! I have ended quite a few relationships in my life, & not once was that done in anger. I did it after careful consideration & prayer, never during a fit of anger. To this day, I harbor no ill-will or unforgiveness towards those people I have eliminated from my life, either. I simply don’t want to tolerate their mistreatment of me- I know I deserve better.

I know there are times it’s hard to forgive. When someone hurts you deeply or repeatedly, forgiveness seems impossible. The good news is that it isn’t. It may take some time for you to forgive someone, but that is fine! God understands that, & He can help you to forgive, too. All you’ll need is a desire to forgive.

-Your first step in forgiving others is a decision that you want to forgive. It sounds simple, but sometimes this is a hard step when you’re very angry or hurt. If you lack that desire, then by all means, ask God to help you!
-Also, try to see things from the offender’s perspective. That person could be in a bad mood because of going through something stressful, & unfairly took out her frustrations on you.
-And, some people are naturally selfish, insensitive, oblivious to the feelings of others. There are still other people simply never learned to treat others with respect & consideration.
-Ask God to help you release your anger. Sometimes it helps to imagine you are holding a bag containing your anger, then you place it at the foot of Jesus. I’ve done that a few times, & it can be helpful. Get your feelings out. Write a letter to the person that you never show her. Get it all out- why what she did hurt you. You can keep the letter if it helps you somehow, but I’ve found burning it to be oddly therapeutic.
-Lastly, this is the hardest part- pray for that person. (see Matthew 5:44). I have prayed through clenched teeth a few times-literally! But, I’ve learned that once you pray for that person, it releases some anger. The more you pray for her, the more anger is released.

Remember, forgiveness is good for truly good for you, & it doesn’t discount any pain you have experienced! Also, it can take time sometimes, & there is nothing wrong with that. Just because you can’t forgive someone immediately doesn’t make you a bad person! And, remember too that although there is a time to forgive & forget, there is also a time to forgive but remember! ❤

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Easter, 2014.

Today has been a very sad day for the Bailey family.  My awesome aunt Judy passed away this morning after battling cancer. 

Please pray for comfort for her husband, children, & the many people saddened by this loss.  Thank you so much, & may God bless you.

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What An Interesting Day..

This morning, I was thrilled to learn my Facebook page & tumble pages gained more followers, & I sold several books in the last 2 weeks.  Since things had been quiet for a bit, I was thrilled.  Obviously!   🙂

This afternoon, I went about my usual Sunday routine around my home, doing some little chores, taking care of the fur kids, etc.  While ironing hubby’s work shirts, I thanked God repeatedly for today’s good news.  And..that was when things took an interesting turn..

I almost never hear God’s voice audibly- instead when He speaks to me, I have a strong knowing in my heart of what He wants to say.  Today, I just knew I need to start writing a book about narcissistic mothers.

Yep.  God has a sense of humor.  This is the last thing I’ve wanted to write.  Ever.  I’m no therapist with several degrees.  I also dread the thought that one day, my mother’s minions (aka her flying monkeys- heeheehee!) may find out about my work, & tell her, since she doesn’t own a computer.  How I dread that narcissistic rage that would follow!

Yet, I know I must do this.  I just started a few moments ago with some vague notes on an outline, & things are already flowing- always the sign I’ll write a good book.

Seriously, God?  Couldn’t I write a fun fiction story??  What about animals instead??  I love them!  They’re fun to write about!  Narcissistic mothers??  Not so much…

So, if you wonderful people would do me the tremendous favor of praying with me that I don’t give up writing it no matter what, & that this book will be informative & help many, many people, I would truly appreciate it.  Thank you so much, & may God richly bless each & every one of you!  I love you & am praying for you!  🙂

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Do You Pray For Your Leaders, Pastors, etc.?

Good morning, Dear Readers!

Do you pray for those in a position of authority, such as your boss, pastor, or even the president of the United States?  It is a very good idea to do so!  So many people believe that leaders have it all together, when the truth is, leaders are mere humans just like everyone else.  They need prayer as much as anyone, if not more so.

Along those lines, I would like to ask a favor of you today.  Would you pray for me?  Please pray that I have wisdom, discernment & hear God’s voice clearly.  I get emails often from people who have suffered some type of abuse, & are looking for answers.  Because of my website, many think I have a lot of answers & wisdom, & they look to me for help.  I appreciate that, however, I am very aware that these people are vulnerable.  I remember Joyce Meyer saying God once told her that however many people she can help, is the same as the number she can hurt.  I realize I am in that same position as she is.  I never want to hurt people, only help them.  So I come to you today, humbly asking you pray with me that I am able to do just that.  And, I know because of having C-PTSD, I also need to become better at taking care of myself, so these requests for help don’t overwhelm me- please pray with me in that area as well.  Thank you!!

When I first started writing, I thought then that God would enable me to write books that could help people, plus many fiction books for fun.  I’ve only written two fiction books to date, & am stumbling through a third.  It appears that at least at this point in my life, God wants me to help others who have survived being abused.  This is a very intimidating thing for me, but also enjoyable.  There is no feeling as good as knowing you have helped another.  It isn’t something I take lightly by any means, however.  

If you contact me for help or advice, then please know I will do my best to help you, & will be praying for you.  

With much love to you,

Cynthia.

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You Make A Difference, No Matter What You Do!- January 3, 2014

Good afternoon & happy new year!  I hope you’re enjoying 2014 so far.  🙂

I just thought I’d share a little something…

A few days ago, I was so frustrated with myself.  I want to finish the book I’ve been working on for a while, but I am having such trouble writing it!  I can think of where I want the story to go, but can’t seem to get that from my mind to the document.  My brain just doesn’t work like it once did thanks to Comlex PTSD, & it is so frustrating.  Add in the stress associated with the holidays, & I’ve really had a rough time trying to write.  I’ve barely touched the book in weeks because of this. 

I was praying about it the other day & God spoke to my heart something that I believe may benefit you as well as it did me. 

I told God I don’t want to be just a housewife- I feel useless.  It’s bad enough I was forced out of the work force when I was 19, but I thought I could at least write.  It’s a job, & it’s something I enjoy to boot.  Lately though?  It’s been frustrating & unproductive.  (Yes, I was whining.. I admit it!)  God spoke to my heart in that knowing feeling as He always does & reminded me that although I’m currently not cranking out lots of books, I’m taking care of 9 of His precious cats & 1 dog, which means the world to them, as well as to Him.  If it wasn’t for my husband & I, these sweet furbabies might not be alive today.  (Not trying to brag at all here- just stating facts.  Most of our cats were feral, & our dog was rescued from a puppy mill.)  Ok, I’m not saving all of the animals in the world, but I’m helping 10 of them, which is pretty good!  Including my precious cat, Pretty Boy, who has diabetes & liver problems & many people would have euthanized him long ago.  Instead, God entrusted him to my care & that of an absolutely awesome vet, & he is thriving in spite of his health concerns! 

God also reminded me that writing in this blog helps people- to know they aren’t alone, or aren’t the only one experiencing certain things.  Going through what I do with Complex PTSD is helping others to learn that they may also have this disorder, or, if they are unsure what is wrong, discussing my experiences may help them to understand what is going on.  I also share what helps me, which in turn helps others.  

If you too are feeling useless, or like you don’t make a difference, I believe God wants me to tell you the same thing He told me- little things do make a difference.  Don’t underestimate yourself!  Even if the only thing you do all day is smile at a stranger on the street, that makes a difference!  For all you know, that person could be contemplating suicide, & your smile showed him that someone really DOES care that he exists.  If you still are in doubt, ask God to show you how you’re making a difference, & what your purpose is (or I should say, purposes are- we all have many purposes!).  And remember, purposes can change.  For example, you may be called to be a wife & mother, but those children will grow up one day.  Then your purpose will change.

Just remember, you are loved & special, & no one can fill your shoes.  You are valuable to God, & to your fellow man! 

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Wednesday October 23, 2013

Good morning Dear Readers!

I just thought I’d pop in & say hello!  I also want to thank everyone for their prayers & concern with my kitty, Pretty Boy.  He seems to be feeling a bit better.  I’m not sure his liver is functioning any better- his glucose levels are still all over the place, which goes with the territory for liver problems especially with him already having diabetes.  So for now, the vet wants us to keep doing what we’re doing & take it day by day.  

Also, I’m working on the new book.  I have no clue on a title for it yet, but that will come in time.  As I’ve mentioned before, it’s a psychological thriller set it Victorian era Annapolis, MD.  A man tries to drive his wife insane so he can have full access to her money.  He enlists the help of the young housemaid with whom he’s having an affair.  The wife learns of his plans, & turns the tables on him.  So far, it’s quite a fun book to write, but a bit challenging.  I have a ton of experience with people playing head games, so I know how to write about it.  However it can be somewhat painful because I remember how it feels to  be on the receiving end of them.

Have a blessed day, everyone!  I love you & am praying for you!

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October 20, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers!  I hope this post finds you enjoying your Sunday.

I just thought I’d pop in to give an update on Pretty Boy & thank everyone for your prayers.  THANK YOU!!!!  From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your prayers, well-wishes & concern for my little man, as does my husband.  🙂

Today makes the third day since we’ve been to the vet & received his diagnosis.  He seems to be doing a bit better.  He is a little more active- more cuddly (like his old self) & he even “killed” the ring off a milk jug lid last night & howled proudly to show off his accomplishment.  I hope & pray this is a good sign, that the liver problems he’s having are related to the diabetes, because at least that is most likely fixable.  

What a journey it is, having a sick pet.. it is like having a sick human baby- they can’t verbalize exactly what they are feeling, so you have to do your best to figure out what the problem is & the best way to treat it.  It isn’t easy, that’s for sure!  But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.. the constant, unconditional love that my pets give me makes any problems worth the while.  🙂

 

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October 17, 2013

Good afternoon, Dear Readers…

I’d like to ask you for a favor today.  Please pray for my wonderful 11 year old kitty, Pretty Boy.  He’s been battling diabetes for the last 2 years, & recently his glucose levels went absolutely haywire.  Today I took him to the vet.  His liver is enlarged & malfunctioning.  It may be due to his glucose levels going crazy, or it may be due to a carcinoma (cancer) in the liver.  Neither is a good scenario, but I am hoping & praying it is related to the diabetes & we can fix this.  The vet says she thinks it may be carcinoma, but I believe God can heal Pretty Boy no matter her diagnosis.  She is a wonderful & knowledgeable vet, but God knows even more.

Here’s a picture of my handsome little guy… thank you so much for your prayers!

 

pretty boy on towel rack

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September 10, 2013

Good afternoon!  I have a very urgent prayer request for you today.. please pray in agreement with me that my friend’s cat, Magick, will come home soon, safe & sound.  He was stolen 1 week ago.  (Definitely stolen- he isn’t the running away type…he’s a homebody).  Also, please pray God will give her wisdom when dealing with insensitive & cruel people.  She has come across many in this past week who make snide comments like, “It’s just a cat.”  “Get over it.”  Maybe Magick is “just a cat” to them, but he is her heart.  He is a very special boy, who my friend lovingly named after my cat, Magic, who passed on in 2007.  Both are black shorthairs with very distinct personalities- highly intelligent, loving, devoted, caring & amazing fathers to the other animals in the house.  Although my Magic died & her Magick was stolen, I still feel her pain of losing such a special creature.  It leaves a huge hole in the heart only a Magic can fill!  I’m sure you fellow animal lovers will understand this completely.. 

Thank you for your prayers, Dear Readers!!  I’d love to share a picture of Magick, (I always like to have a face to put with names yanno?), but I didn’t ask my friend if she would mind if I shared his picture.  So, instead, here is a picture of my Magic with Georgie in 2002.  Both Magic & Magick look identical, so now you know what the kitty you’re praying for looks like..

 

Image

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July 14, 2013

Hello, Dear Readers!  I pray this post finds you well today.

This is going to be a hard post to write for me.  It’s just not very positive.  Just warning you ahead of time.

First, please pray for my friend & her family.  My friend’s sister passed away last night.  She & her sister had a very difficult relationship, so I’m sure the grieving process will be a challenging one for her.  Although she is not a Christian, she’s a practicing Pagan, she does appreciate prayers, so I know she will be grateful for any & all prayers said for her in this trying time.  Also please pray for those affected by this lady’s death.  Thank you!!

Secondly, I need to write this out, I think because God wants me to be less ashamed of having C-PTSD & be more open about it to help others, as I have mentioned before.  Also as I have mentioned before, I am a very private person, so this is very hard for me to do.  I sure hope this helps you!

Yesterday my husband & I went out shopping & out to breakfast.  This should have been a lovely time, but instead, it wasn’t.  I constantly fight agoraphobia (fear of public places), & it was bad yesterday.  Usually when I am with someone, it isn’t as bad, but yesterday it was bad even with my husband.  I ended up in tears at breakfast out of the sheer frustration of it all, & am still exhausted today.  That is so rare, showing my emotions like that in a public place- I am usually good at hiding them.  Things like that are why I get so angry when people tell abuse survivors to “get over it” or “shake it off.”  If only it was so easy!!!!  I would love just to shake it off- I hate living with C-PTSD!

Agoraphobia started for me in 1996 when my Grandmom died.  I couldn’t figure out for a long time why it started, & I finally asked God what was going on with this.  He told me I’ve always felt I needed to be invisible, & that started early in childhood.  Then right after Grandmom died, my husband & I were at his parents’ home.  He told his mother about my loss, & she changed the subject.  She’s never liked me, so me losing someone I loved meant nothing to her.  Her lack of caring somehow cemented in my mind that I need to be invisible, & part of that is feeling like I shouldn’t even be in public- I should be out of sight.  Once God showed me this, I was able to get a handle on the agoraphobia for several years.  Not perfect, but pretty good.  

Last year is when I started showing so many signs of C-PTSD.  And shortly after, the agoraphobia returned with a vengeance.  I haven’t been able to get it under control at all.  I had a panic attack in Macy’s yesterday because my husband was out of my sight for a moment.  

Today I did some research online, looking for answers.  I was wondering if it’s a part of C-PTSD (I learned it often is, probably because the anxiety regulating part of the brain is damaged) & how to cope. Practicing mindfulness & taking anti-anxiety meds before leaving home was all I found for coping tips.  I hadn’t thought to take a valerian pill before leaving (I chose the herbal route rather than drugs), but I haven’t found mindfulness to be overly helpful.  I also try to minimize outings, only go out alone on the rare occasions I can handle it otherwise I go out with another person, & get what I need all in one store rather than several whenever possible.

Does anyone have any other suggestions??

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January 5, 2013

Good morning Dear Readers.

This morning, I would like to ask a favor yet again.  The young lady I posted about the other day?  She has since passed on, leaving her family with a ton of medical bills & bills for her final expenses.  They need help right now.  Please consider making a donation.  It can be done 2 ways…

25% of your purchase on the link below will go towards Angel’s family:

 
Or you may make a donation without making a purchase.  Simply make your check payable to New Hope Community Church, & mention “For the Schaefer-Breault family” in the memo line.  Mail your check to:
 
Jenn Poist
706 Birch Ave
Pasadena, MD 21122
 
Please consider donating to this cause.  God will bless you for your generosity.  Luke 6:38 says,  Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.”
 
Angel was a lovely young woman, & her family is suffering so much with losing her.  The last thing they need right now is trying to deal with the tremendous financial stress on top of their grief.  If you are unable to donate financially, then please pray for Angel’s family, friends & boyfriend to feel the comfort & strength of God.
 
Thank you, Dear Readers.  May God bless you!

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December 7, 2012

Hello, Dear Readers!

I just learned that my favorite aunt has bone cancer.  She’s been through cancer before, so this is pretty scary.  I would like to ask any of you who are willing to please pray for her complete recovery.  Thank you.

Pearl Harbor happened on this day in 1941.  It was a horrible & tragic event.  Let it remind you that soldiers today also face dangers.  Please pray for soldiers & their families.  If  you know some personally, please be good to them.  These people are so strong & courageous.  I can’t imagine either being a soldier, or being married to one & spending my days worried about him every moment.

Yesterday I started working on the newest book.  It should be a good one- it’s turning out to be fun to write so far!  🙂

Have a great day, everyone!  ❤

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October 21, 2012

Happy Sunday, Dear Readers!

Last night was a tough one.  Our 4 month old kitten, Sabrina, was sick, & we had to run her to the emergency vet.  Thankfully, it turned out not to be anything terribly serious- she has a very nasty ear infection, & may be deaf in her right ear from it.  It’s also given her a nasty case of vertigo.  Since she’s so young, if that happens, she’ll adapt- cats are so flexible!  Also thankfully, today she is doing better already.  Still not up to par, of course, but improving fast.  I am so grateful to God for taking care of my baby girl!!

While we were at the vet last night, a lady brought in her small dog who had been attacked.  The dog died almost immediately.  This poor lady wandered the hospital, holding her dead dog, wailing in her grief.  My heart just broke for her.  I’m telling you this for a couple of reasons..

First, please pray for this lady.  Her heart was obviously broken.  She needs comfort & to know God’s comfort & love.  Thank you!

Secondly, if you don’t have pets, then please remember- the connection between a human & their pets can be as strong as a parent/child bond.  If someone you know loses their pet, please be gentle & sensitive with them.  I have been on the receiving end of insensitivity when I’ve lost one of my furkids, & it really hurts!  Already being in pain from my loss seemed to magnify the hurt from the insensitivity.

Take care, Dear Readers, & have a blessed Sunday!

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October 21, 2012 · 12:07 PM

September 14, 2012

Good morning, Dear Readers!  I hope this finds everyone well today.

I am working on a new project.  It’s a book about my life- the abuse I have suffered & about my recovery.  I had started it as a fictional story, with a main character experiencing my experiences.  I guess God had another plan though- the document was corrupted.  I saved it in 3 locations, all of which were corrupt.  So, I have to start it over again.  Probably instead of fiction, it’ll be more like a memoire.  The fiction story sounded much more interesting, I thought, but maybe it wouldn’t reach the right audience that way.  Not sure, but I know God has a plan.

I’m praying for the strength to write this book- it is so hard for me to see bad things I have experienced in writing.  Somehow, it makes it more real over a memory.  Any prayers would be greatly appreciated!

Take care, Dear Readers!  Have a great day!

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August 10, 2012

Good morning, Dear Readers!  I pray this post finds you well today!

I’m sorry it’s been a while, again- been having computer problems, plus the new kittens have been keeping me busy.  They are growing up so fast, & getting into all kinds of things now.  They’re at such a fun stage in their development.

I’ve been thinking about the new book on kitties, & putting some ideas down on paper.  It should be a nice, helpful guide to cat ownership.  But, I’m still having a lot of trouble writing these days.  Please pray for me- this is simply maddening!  I’ve been having anxiety problems, as well as facing anger over how I’ve been abused like I’ve never felt before.  Naturally, I am tired of this, so prayers for God to heal me would be greatly appreciated!

Have a great weekend!!  God bless you!  🙂

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