Tag Archives: psychological
Narcissists love to have power over their victims. To hurt someone either mentally, physically or sexually gives them a feeling of power. Possibly the only thing that makes narcissists feel even more powerful is watching their victim suck up to them.
When a victim is genuinely repentant & will do anything to make it up to their abuser, this is a huge power trip for the narcissist. They know they can make that victim do anything at this point. There also is the added bonus of the victim accepting responsibility for whatever the narcissist did. This means the narcissist doesn’t have to take any blame at all. (Not that they would anyway, but at least in this situation, they don’t have to work to pawn that blame off on someone else).
Narcissists are incredibly good at manipulation & gaslighting- making a person doubt their own thoughts, feelings, perceptions & even sanity. Because of this, it’s no wonder many victims in the midst of narcissistic abuse continually apologize & suck up to their abuser. I certainly have done my fair share of it before learning about narcissism. (If you have too, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I doubt there is one victim of narcissistic abuse that hasn’t apologized to their abuser at least a couple of times.)
If you’re still in a relationship with a narcissist, I’m sure you’re faced with the scenario at least periodically, where the narcissist is angry with you & demands that you apologize. Or maybe she prefers suddenly to stop speaking to you, with no explanation whatsoever, in an attempt to make you rush to her side, begging for her to speak to you again.
Having been there, I learned something. Don’t do it!!!
If you have done something wrong, then by all means, apologize. It’s just the right, mature thing to do. Say you’re sorry, make things right if you can, & move on.
If you haven’t done something wrong, then do NOT apologize! If you do it once, the narcissist will demand you do it again & again. She will use you & wear you down to get you to make it up to her for whatever horrible thing you supposedly did.
If a person can’t behave like a mature adult by trying to work out a problem, then don’t treat them as if they are one. Let that narcissist pout like the bratty child she’s acting like while you ignore her ridiculous display. If she’s trying to make you feel guilty, pretend not to notice. If she hints for an apology, also pretend not to notice. Learn to enjoy the silent treatment if you’re on the receiving end of it. It’s a reprieve from unnecessary drama- why not enjoy it?
Stop trying to make it up to a narcissist who isn’t telling you what you’ve done wrong or who blames you for them abusing you! It only provides them with narcissistic supply, & the more you provide, the more they will demand from you.
Making it up to someone you have hurt is one thing. It should be a normal thing for a person to do as well as the one hurt to expect. However, when someone constantly expects another person to make it up to them without trying to talk things out, or because they abused their victim, something is very, very wrong with this situation.
A couple of years ago, two of my wonderful readers told me about the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (aka MBTI) personality test. Since, I’ve become utterly fascinated with it!
This test gives you a four letter description of your personality. I found it to be incredibly accurate for myself & my husband. Here is the link if you want to try it: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
While I realize not everyone is as fascinated with psychology & what makes people “tick” as I am, I still recommend taking the test & learning as much as you can about your personality. This is especially important to survivors of narcissistic abuse, I believe.
Whether the narcissist in your life was a parent, sibling or spouse, narcissists do a tremendous amount of damage, as you no doubt know all too well. One thing they all try their best to do to their victims is to turn the victim into what they want that person to be. Narcissists want victims to lose their natural, God given personality & become someone pleasing to the narcissist. Before you realize that is happening, chances are you lost a lot of yourself thanks to the narcissist.
Learning about your personality type can help you to regain the part of you that was lost. It also can help you to learn about things you never understood about yourself. For example, I always thought I was weird. I’ve been told it often enough! I constantly try to understand people’s motivations & solutions to problems, when many people don’t bother with such things. My mother used to criticize me as a child for “always thinking” because of this. I took that to mean that something was wrong with me. Once I learned of my personality type, I learned that there isn’t something wrong with me. It’s just my natural personality, which happens to be the rarest one.
Another benefit of learning about personality types can happen when you learn the types of those in your life. Since I learned my husband’s type, I understand him even better now than I did before he took the test. And, as a bonus- he got interested in learning about his type as well so he’s developed a better understanding of himself.
Dear Reader, I hope you will take the test & learn about your personality & those of your loved ones as well. The test only takes a few minutes & is free, but it can be very beneficial.
My mind wanders…a lot. Today, it wandered to something I’ve wondered about off & on for years.
Why is it that when a narcissist hurts someone, most people close to the narcissist & her victim are quick to defend the narcissist rather than the victim? Have you noticed this? People say you need to understand your narcissistic mother, be more patient with her, realize she was abused as a child, don’t forget- she’s the only mother you’ll ever have & she won’t be around forever, or a plethora of other reasons you should give her a free pass to abuse you. In fact, when I was seventeen & my mother’s abuse of me was at its peak, one of her friends (a school principal, by the way!) scolded me for giving my mother so much trouble, & for not appreciating how much my mother loved me. She claimed my mother did everything she did out of love for me. And, it isn’t just with a narcissistic mother this type of thing happens – I went through this with my narcissistic mother in-law as well, like so very many other frustrated daughters in-law. When my husband’s mother told me how ‘stupid’ my grandfather was (she never met him), or would criticize me, my family, my pets, my car, etc., my husband told me I needed to understand her, or that she simply didn’t know any better. His sisters have not once in the almost twenty years of our relationship acknowledged their mother mistreated me. They, too, don’t believe how devious their mother can be, instead believing her to be only sweet & naive.
Why does this happen? Are people afraid of a narcissistic rage if they disagree with the narcissist? Do survival instincts kick in, & people look to placate the more dangerous person for their own protection, while ignoring the fact the safer person has been mistreated? Or, is it something about the victim that says, “Sure, it’s ok- I don’t matter. It’s fine to treat me any old way you like!” After all, when you’ve been the victim of a narcissist, you are accustomed to being mistreated. Maybe some people unconsciously pick up on that, & assume you don’t object to how you’re being treated. Or, could they see you as the stronger, healthier person, more able to be the mature one in this situation? Whatever the reason or reasons, it is so wrong! God doesn’t defend abuse, & neither should anyone else! True, Godly love wants what is best for people, & abuse isn’t in anyone’s best interest! Not the innocent victim, nor the abusive person, determined to inflict pain. What is best for everyone is to treat each other with gentleness, love, understanding, wisdom & patience
Psychology fascinates me, so I can’t help wondering about this. What do you think? I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on this topic.