Tag Archives: relationships

Best Friends

God gives His children many gifts.  One of the finest ones I’ve ever received is my best friend. Although since we met in 1988, truth be told, she’s more of a sister than a friend.  She is one of those rare people who is absolutely beautiful, inside & out.  She has taught me about what a best friend really should be just by being herself, & I thought I would share that with you.

Best friends should always help to strengthen your faith.  People are often quick to say, “I’ll pray for you” but honestly, how many people who say that also help to remind them that God is so much bigger than their problems?  As good as it is to have others pray for you, it’s also incredibly helpful to have someone encourage you to pray, to remind you what the Bible says regarding your situation & remind you of times in your past when God has came through for you.

Best friends should be encouraging.  They shouldn’t just encourage your faith but your soul too.  If you have doubts about your abilities & your best friend knows you have no valid reason to doubt, they should be your cheerleader.

Your relationship should be balanced.  During trying times, it’s normal for a close relationship to be out of balance as one friend helps the other, but this shouldn’t be the norm for any relationship.  Relationships should involve two people supporting each other, not one person constantly doing all of the work, constantly helping the other or one person not caring about what is happening in the other person’s life.

Best friends should know each other VERY well.  My best friend knows me better than anyone else in the world with the exception of my husband.  This means she not only knows my likes, dislikes, interests, morals & beliefs, but she knows how to relate to me well.  I know her probably just as well.  If we disagree about something, we can work it out easily because we know each other so well.

Best friends are real with each other.  My best friend has seen me at my worst.  I don’t mean just seeing me without makeup.  I mean seeing me as I recovered from the carbon monoxide poisoning, after arguments with my parents & husband, after flashbacks, & going through very hard times like abuse at the hands of my parents.  Not once did I ever feel I had to tell her I was fine.  I always can tell her today was awful & this is why, knowing she wouldn’t judge me for being too negative.  I also can count on her to tell me if I’m wrong about something.  Thankfully, she is kind about it, but she will offer constructive criticism or correction if necessary.

Best friends should love each other God’s way.  What I mean is that love isn’t superficial.  It is deep, it only wants what is best for each other, it is courteous & full of respect. 

Best friends shouldn’t shy away during the hard times.  The night I got the death notification about my mother was an extremely terrible night.  My first thought once I was at my mother’s home & starting to deal with the police was to call my best friend.  Immediately she said she’d pray the moment we hung up & asked what else she could do.  A few days later when my mother was buried, guess who was at my side?  Even when one of my cousins screamed at me, she didn’t budge.  It couldn’t have been easy for her to be there during these scenarios, especially at the cemetery, but she was there offering her unwavering support.

If your best friend isn’t like this, then it may be time to find one who is.  God made people to be in relationships of all kinds, so why settle for less than the best He has to offer?

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Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Enjoying Life, Mental Health

Your Perceptions Of People Aren’t Always Accurate

People can have very strange ways of looking at things.  They clearly look at things through their own experiences, which of course is to be expected.  Many times though, people also forget that there are other perspectives.

Many of my family members have made it very clear that they think I was spoiled by my parents, & have led an easy life without a care in the world.

What these people saw & what the truth was are VERY different things.

My family saw me barely allowed to leave my mother’s side at family gatherings, & assumed this meant we were close.  They had no idea that meant she controlled my every move & I was afraid to protest.  They saw me dressed in clean, decent clothing & assumed that meant all of my needs were met.  They didn’t realize there are more needs that parents should meet than food, clothing & shelter.  It was those needs that were neglected in my life.  They also saw me as a quiet child who didn’t complain about anything, so they assumed all was right in my world.  Obviously they didn’t understand that abused children don’t usually complain.  They know that if it was discovered that they said anything derogatory about their abusive parent, they would face that parent’s wrath, so they keep complaints to themselves.  They also didn’t know I was afraid to say anything that could be met with my mother’s disapproval.

This is typical of many people.  They see things & make assumptions based on their own experiences or even fantasies rather than keeping an open mind. 

This is going to happen to you at some point as it has me, & when it does, please remember that what other people think isn’t necessarily important.  You were there, you lived the situation.  They were not.  They saw appearances only, not the truth behind the façade.  Don’t let these people downplay anything traumatic or treat you badly because they have made foolish assumptions about you. 

I have found that people who make snap judgments are often unsafe people or at the very least, very wounded people who aren’t trying to heal from their wounds.  Some distance may be the best option for you when you learn someone behaves this way on a regular basis.

Please also remember not to behave the same way as the judge-y people!  When you have been exposed to the horrors of narcissistic abuse, it can be very easy to see everyone as a potential threat.  Not everyone is a narcissist!  Sometimes people act in selfish or very inconsiderate ways because they are going through a tough time.  They are so caught up in their difficult situation that their preoccupation with it is making them behave thoughtlessly.  And, not everyone is a victim of similar circumstances to yours just because they show some similar behavior to yours.  That person who is dealing with terrible anxiety or depression may have a rather good life.  Their problem may be that they survived a brain injury that created problems with anxiety or depression even though they show no other outward signs of brain damage. 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

When Adult Children Of Narcissists Marry Each Other

When children grow up with narcissistic parents marry, it can be incredibly challenging.  Usually, either one person is a narcissist & the other isn’t, or one is trying to heal & the other prefers staying in their dysfunction.  The last scenario seems to be the most common. There isn’t a lot of information available on the topic, which is why I opted to discuss it today.  It happens pretty often & people in this situation know how to handle it!

When you learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it can be so incredibly freeing!  That’s how it is when you learn truth, though.  Not everyone sees it that way, however.  The truth isn’t always pleasant or easy, so many folks prefer to avoid the ugly truth in favor of pretty lies.  The pretty lies are easier & preferable to some people because they’re what is familiar.  Familiarity doesn’t always breed contempt.  Sometimes it breeds cognitive dissonance in the adult children of narcissistic parents. 

That cognitive dissonance can be incredibly difficult to live with for someone married to a person who prefers to avoid it whenever possible.  When you see the truth so clearly & someone you love avoids it like the plague, it is so frustrating!!  You just want them to wake up & see the truth, but they won’t.  Instead they continue to tolerate their toxic parents abusing them & even you & your children if you have them.  They also will fight you on this topic, even if they aren’t normally disagreeable.  If you complain about their parents, they will tell you things like it’s your problem & to leave them out of it.  If this kind of thing doesn’t make you want to scream, nothing will!

I prayed about this behavior recently when it came to mind & God showed me some things.

While this behavior feels intensely personal, it isn’t.  It’s about them, their dysfunction & self preservation.

When a person has a spouse that loves them & a narcissistic parent, the spouse is the safer of the two people.  In this situation, the adult child knows someone is going to be angry & they will suffer for it.  In their minds, the spouse is the safer one.  They’ve had a lifetime of knowing just how incredibly cruel their narcissistic parent can be, so they do their level best to avoid their anger & cruelty.  It’s safer to deal with the anger of a loving spouse than a narcissistic parent, so they choose (albeit unconsciously) the safer of the two people to anger.

Unfortunately for the spouse, this means that their dysfunctional mate is going to put them in some pretty awful positions.  They’ll expect their healing spouse to tolerate whatever the narcissistic parents dish out, & when the healing spouse doesn’t, arguments are going to happen.  Even if the narcissistic parent in question is the healing spouse’s parent, the dysfunctional spouse most likely will be upset if the healing spouse is setting boundaries or even severs ties with their parent.  The dysfunctional spouse is going to minimize, excuse or even deny abusive behaviors.  This can be so difficult because the healing spouse wants to heal but also wants to have a good relationship with their dysfunctional partner.  Sadly, the relationship can only be so good while one is dysfunctional & the other is trying to heal.


If you’re in this position, you will need God’s guidance on how to navigate this situation.  He knows so much more than you could possibly know so let Him help you!  And, pray for your spouse to see the truth & be able to handle it, too.  That is what someone in that position truly needs!

Also always remember that your spouse’s reactions aren’t personal.  They’re about that person’s dysfunction.  Keeping that in mind will help you to be less hurt & angered by their behavior, which will in turn help you to deal with the situation more effectively.

Don’t be afraid to set your boundaries!  Just because your spouse is fine with being abused doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it.  Protect yourself & if your spouse is angry about it, that is that person’s problem.  There is nothing wrong, bad or even un-Christian about protecting yourself!

When you must discuss your spouse’s or your narcissistic parent with your spouse, try to keep your emotions under control.  Any anger shown on your part could make your spouse become very protective of the parent in question, which will start a fight between you.  Avoid it as much as possible by remaining calm when discussing parents!

Lastly, don’t give your partner an ultimatum to choose either you or their parent if you want to stay married.  Those who do that usually lose their spouse.  The one given the ultimatum feels their spouse is being manipulative, which naturally pushes them away & towards the parent.  Don’t put your spouse or yourself in that position.  If you end up wanting to go your separate ways, find another way to discuss it. Ultimatums end in anger & make the situation worse.

I wish you the best!

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Being Judgmental

Some years ago, I used to sell bath & beauty products I made from all natural ingredients.  I got an email one day about my products.  I was surprised that this wasn’t the usual email asking if I could make some specialty product or make a unique scent for some perfume that the buyer wanted.  Instead, the person emailing asked if I practiced witchcraft.  Apparently because I used natural products & openly discussed my preference for herbal remedies over man made, this person assumed I was a practicing witch, not a Christian.

Several years after that, I had met someone online.  We shared a love of crocheting, so we discussed it often.  One day, she shocked me by saying, “I know why you don’t have kids.  It’s because of your mother!  You shouldn’t let her make you feel that way!”  Since we never discussed children in depth other than I had none & she had a son, her saying this was astonishing.  She also didn’t know me well enough to make such a judgment, but she then scolded me for feeling the way she assumed I felt.

Not long ago, someone my husband & I have known for years thanked my husband for doing something for her, then told him to thank me for “letting” him help her out.

I’m sharing these strange little stories because I wanted to show just how utterly foolish judgmental people can be.  People other than witches like natural things.  Consider how many people of all religious backgrounds like a cup of chamomile tea to help them sleep.  The second person assuming my mother is why I don’t have children isn’t any better.  My mother had nothing to do with my feelings.  And as far as me “letting” my husband do things for someone else, that is simply laughable.  Having been subjected to controlling people in my life & being very aware of how awful it is, why would I do that to anyone, let alone someone I love?  Yet, in spite of the ridiculousness of these assumptions, these & equally stupid ones happen to people every day, all the time. 

While it can be easy to judge someone, that doesn’t make it right.  The Bible tells us not to judge each other.  We are only supposed to judge in a discerning way.  John 7:24 in the Amplified Bible says “Do not judge by appearance [superficially and arrogantly], but judge fairly and righteously.”  In other words, appearance isn’t everything!  Judge by the things a person does.  Their actions dictate their heart, & the heart is so much more important than appearance!  Some of the kindest people you can meet are covered in tattoos & piercings while some of the cruelest people you can meet wear modest clothing, volunteer or attend church every Sunday. 

You may think that you aren’t a judgmental person, & I hope you aren’t.  But please look honestly at yourself.  If you see a homeless man, do you deliberately avoid giving him money because you assume he will use it for drugs or alcohol?  He may use money for drugs or alcohol, that is true, but he may use it to feed his dog or get a pair of shoes since his are worn through.  He may be struggling with mental illness or lost his job then his home.  Such things don’t make him a bad person.  They make him a person with a problem.  You may be his answer to prayer, but you won’t be if you judge him by his appearance.  Whatever his story may be, if you don’t try to offer him at least a little help, that says more about the condition of your heart than it does about him. 

I just wanted to encourage you today to take a look at your behavior, & if you recognize you can be unfairly judgmental sometimes, then please change that about yourself.  Not only is being judgmental ungodly behavior, but it also steals your peace.  There is no point in weighing yourself down with opinions of people & things that aren’t even any of your business in the first place.  Focus on what you need to, & don’t worry about the things that aren’t your concern.

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Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Enjoying Life, Mental Health

Showing Appreciation To The People In Your Life

Entitlement runs rampant today.  Granted, narcissists lead the way with their ridiculously overdeveloped sense of entitlement, but even people who aren’t narcissistic can be too entitled sometimes as well.  This can lead to failing to appreciate people in your life, because it can feel like there is no need to show appreciation for something someone is just supposed to do.

Failing to appreciate people in your life can lead to being taken for granted, resentment, anger, depression & ending relationships.  Why let this happen when it is so simple to avoid?

Start by showing people you are grateful for the things they do for you.  When someone does something for you, no matter how small, thank them.  Make that into a habit that you do constantly.  I don’t care if the task was something small like passing the salt at dinner.  Thank the person who did that!  Your husband put gas in your car because he knows you dislike that task?  Thank him for thinking of you & saving you that trip to the gas station.  Did your best friend call to tell you that your favorite movie comes on TV at 9 tonight?  Thank her for remembering that you love that movie & for thinking to let you know about this.  People like being thanked for what they do, even for such small things.  It makes them feel appreciated & like you don’t take them for granted.

While you’re at it, return the favor to people who bless you by being a blessing to them.  Doing thoughtful little gestures for them will make them feel the relationship is balanced, & they aren’t just doing things for you.  If you aren’t sure what to do, pay attention to people.  If someone mentions wanting to read a new book, buy them the book.  If they like coffee, surprise them with a cup of their favorite coffee periodically.  If they complain about having too much to do, then offer to help them complete some tasks or at the least accompany them when they run errands.

Tell those in your life often that you love them.  Say the words often.  Growing up, my wonderful grandparents always ended conversations with, “I love you.”  I don’t remember all of the details of our final conversations before they passed on but I can promise you our last words to each other definitely were, “I love you.” 

Complement people & do it often.  Tell your loved ones how much you admire their intelligence, kind heart, fashion sense.. anything & everything you admire about them!  A sincere complement can make even a very bad day better.

Be a cheerleader!  When someone you love is struggling, encourage them.  Let them know you believe in them & why.  And, when they accomplish the thing that was originally a struggle, celebrate with them for a job well done.

In fact, celebrate whatever accomplishments they do that bring them joy no matter how big or small.  Tell them you’re proud of them or happy for them or whatever is appropriate in the situation.

Don’t just be there in the good times either.  Be there to help them through the tough times.  Listen non-judgmentally to them while sharing a pint of ice cream, offer to clean their home or go to the grocery store for them. 

Normalize showing love to every person in your life that you love.  Normalize making people feel like a priority in your life rather than an afterthought.  Normalize checking in just to say hi & see how someone is doing.  Normalize talking about your dreams & innermost, private thoughts together knowing there won’t be judgment or criticism.  Doing things like this will enrich the relationships in your life immensely & bring both you & the other people in your life great joy.

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Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Enjoying Life, Mental Health

How Dysfunctional People Respond To Genuine People

I’ve noticed that people respond very passionately to genuine people, either positively or negatively. 

I realized something else about this phenomenon.  The healthier a person is, the more positively they will respond to genuine people.  The more dysfunctional, the more negatively they will respond to genuine people.  This makes sense when you think about it….

Healthy people are genuine.  If they’re having a bad day, they won’t deny it.  They will say, “Today hasn’t been a good one” rather than pretend all is right in their world.  Not to say they’re negative, of course, they’re just being real & admitting the truth.  They also have no trouble admitting they make mistakes or have flaws.  They don’t judge others for their mistakes or flaws either. 

Dysfunctional people are very different.  They value the appearance of good over what is real.  I learned this when my father was dying, & various relatives attacked me for not going to say goodbye to him.  Their daily influx of abuse was intense to say the least.  One day, I asked God why they acted this way.  He showed me that they were operating out of their own dysfunction.  One of the reasons behind their behavior was they didn’t want to face bad or traumatic things.  They clearly never dealt with their own traumatic experiences.  They instead created this illusion that all was right in their world & everyone in our family was good.  Me not being there for my father at the end of his life threatened this delusion by showing that things were so bad, I opted not to say good bye to my father at the end of his life.  Rather than face the fact that maybe this delusion isn’t a good thing, they tried to force me to go along with their delusion so it could be reinforced.  If I had gone, they would have had proof everything was good, & could continue in their dysfunction as they had before. 


My situation with these dysfunctional people wasn’t terribly unique.  Many of my readers have said they experienced something similar with their family.  Sometimes it was when a narcissistic relative was dying, but not always.  It also happened when some severed ties with a narcissist.  They were attacked by their own family, those who should have been there to support & love them. 

To sum it up, it seems to me dysfunctional people often treat genuine people like the scapegoat.  They act like genuine people are the ones with problems, who are lying & nothing but troublemakers.

The more you heal from narcissistic abuse, the more genuine you will become.  It just seems to be a natural event.  Unfortunately, this can mean the dysfunctional people around you will be cruel to you for it. 

My hope is that you will see the situation for what it is & not change your ways!  Being genuine is a wonderful thing!  It’s so refreshing in a fake world!  Don’t try to change to please these people who are too dysfunctional to appreciate the real you.  Instead, you just do what is right.  Be genuine & if others don’t like that, remember that is not your problem.  They are functioning in their own dysfunction.  Their negativity or even abuse isn’t personal.  It’s simply a reflection of their dysfunction rather than a reflection of you.  They’re allowed to be dysfunctional if that is what they want to do.  It’s certainly not a good choice but it is their right.  And, you also have rights. You’re allowed to be functional & protect yourself from their toxicity.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health

Misconceptions About Introverts

Being an introvert means being someone who recharges through solitude & who prefers it to the company of large groups of people.  It’s really that simple, yet in spite of that, introverts are often a very misunderstood bunch.

Being an introvert myself, I have plenty of experience in this area.  One example that comes to mind is how extroverts who haven’t bothered to get to know me have mistakenly thought I believe that I’m a snob who thinks I’m much better than them simply because I’m quiet & reserved when around most people.  Another misconception is people assume all introverts are weird.  The majority of people who assume this do so simply because we don’t divulge a lot of information about ourselves to those who aren’t very close to us, so they fill in the blanks with what they think.

Those misconceptions can be annoying, but after being subjected to them my whole life, I’ve come to accept people think that way.  It no longer upsets me like it once did.  There is one misconception that still bothers me to no avail & I can’t seem to change my feelings on it however.  That is that introverts need to do the majority of the work in relationships, & when they fail to meet the other person’s expectations, they are criticized harshly for it.  I don’t see this as a common misconception for all introverts, but I have noticed it happens mostly with those who have suffered narcissistic abuse.

Those of us who have suffered at the hands of a narcissist were made to feel responsible for that relationship.  We were to please that person at all times, be there for them & basically be & do anything that person wanted.  Even after the relationship has ended, sometimes long after, we tend to be people pleasers.  People pleasers are naturally the ones who are given the task of maintaining relationships in their lives. 

While this often happens naturally, that doesn’t mean the behavior is right.  It isn’t. 

Relationships should be full of love, care for & compassion for each other.  It’s not fair to expect a person to treat you that way if you aren’t willing to treat them the same way. Being the one responsible for calling the other person, planning activities together & everything else in the relationship is exhausting.  Those things should be shared among both people in a relationship, not only one person’s responsibility! 

If you know an introvert who hasn’t contacted you in a while, it might be time to consider your behavior with that person.  Are you expecting them to do most or all of the work in the relationship?  If so, it’s time to apologize to this person & make some changes!  If not, then rather than get angry with the introvert for pulling away, think about that person.  There are a plethora of reasons an introvert may pull away in relationships, & the reasons aren’t always personal.

Sometimes, introverts get overwhelmed with life & need space from everyone.  It doesn’t mean they’re angry or hurt.  They just need some space to recharge.

Sometimes, introverts just don’t think about reaching out.  Again, it’s not personal.  It may mean they have a lot on their minds, are working extra hours, have someone else in their life in need of their attention more than you, they might simply be tired or sick or for some reason reaching out simply hasn’t crossed their mind.  I am this way & got worse after a brain injury.  I don’t think about calling friends all that often.  It doesn’t mean I don’t care.  Far from it!  I do care, & think of them often.  My brain just doesn’t seem to make the connection between good thoughts of them & picking up the phone for some reason. 

If you’re an introvert & in the position of being treated as if you are responsible for the relationships in your life, know that you are NOT solely responsible for those relationships.  You have every right to set boundaries & to expect people to treat you with respect, love & compassion.  If they can’t, then you also have the right to remove such people from your life.  It won’t make you a bad person.  It’ll make you a person with healthy self respect!

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Filed under Mental Health, Personality (including introversion, Myers Briggs, etc.)

Things People Wrongly Say Are Victims’ Responsibility

Something came to mind lately that I think many of you who follow my work can relate to.

Years back, I posted something on Facebook. My husband & I had a minor disagreement & I was angry. As a result, our cats were acting up badly. Cat owners know this can be normal. Cats are very in tune with their humans & when we’re upset, they’re upset. I asked if any of my fellow cat parents knew of a way to calm the cats down since there was no need for them to be upset. An aunt & a cousin both told me I needed to make up with my husband. That would calm the cats down. Immediately I was angry.

These people knew nothing about our disagreement, but naturally felt it was my responsibility to make things right. Not my husband’s. Not up to us to work things out together. All responsibility was mine, according to them. This isn’t an isolated incident either. This same aunt once told me I needed therapy to figure out how to fix the relationship with my parents. Another aunt once chewed me out for not watching football with my husband. He likes it so I should watch it with him even though I absolutely hate sports. Yet, not once did she ever tell him he should get into some interest of mine.

If you’ve been through narcissistic abuse, I would guess these scenarios sound somewhat familiar to you.

People seem to think that victims have a lot of responsibility, & not all of it should be on a victim’s shoulders.  Not making an abuser angry so they don’t abuse their victim is one example that comes to mind.  How many people tell wives or children of men who beat them to just stay out of his way so he won’t hit them?  Obviously that is very wrong.  What isn’t as recognized as equally wrong is making victims feel as if they are responsible for making the relationships in their lives work.  Whether the other person in the relationship is abusive or not, this is simply wrong, yet many people, including victims, accept this without question.

When someone is in a relationship with an abuser, telling them to fix the problems in the relationship is not only a stupid suggestion but impossible.  No one person can fix a relationship.  It takes two people working together.  Plus, abusers have no interest in fixing anything.  Being abusive gets them what they want, so they have no desire to change anything.

Making someone feel responsible for how happy a relationship is or is not also can be a sign of a narcissist.  Think about it- narcissists do everything they can to convince victims they are the real problem in the relationship.  They also make sure their victims know they are responsible for the narcissist’s happiness.  If they can make a person who isn’t their victim feel they are the problem & they need to make a relationship better, this must encourage them.  It shows them they can do this & probably even proves to them that this is how things are.  One person should be solely responsible for a relationship. 

If you are in this position & someone has told you that you need to make changes to improve or even fix a relationship, please know that they are absolutely wrong!  Galatians 6:5 says that each person should carry their own load.  In other words, each person has things for which they are responsible.  One person isn’t responsible for an entire relationship! 

If you aren’t familiar with boundaries, it’s time to be.  I created a free book study based on Dr.s Cloud’s & Townsend’s book “Boundaries”.  It’s available on my website.  Even if you aren’t interested in the book study, then please read the book!  I found the information in it & the other books in the series to be life changing.  I believe they can help anyone with weak or even non existent boundaries.

Also, never forget to pray.  God is more than happy to help His children however they need help, so let Him!  Ask Him if things are your responsibility or not.  Ask for help on knowing what to do or not to do in your relationships.  He gladly will teach you whatever you need to know. 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

10% Off All My Print Books!

My publisher is offering 10% off all print books until May 28. Simply use code SELLDIRECT10 at checkout.

My books can be found at the following link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Animals, Caregiving, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Simple Ways To Improve Relationships

Recently, I thought of a conversation my husband & I had a long time back. I told him how my dear friend & one of my aunts had similar bouts with cancer. They both suffered with it I think a total of 5 times each, & each time, when it went to their brain is when they died a fairly short time after.

Both my friend & aunt handled their similar situations very differently.

My friend was always a very loving & compassionate lady with a deep faith in God, but she those traits became even more pronounced as her health became frailer. A few months before she died, she mentioned via an email how Jesus carried her through it all & how grateful she was for everything in her life. She truly was an inspiration! She was also always happy to talk to me & encourage me no matter what was happening in her own life.

My aunt, however, was a different story.

While she said she was a Christian, I have doubts. During one conversation,, she mentioned how no one should be so “arrogant” as to assume God only allows certain people into Heaven & not every single person, no matter their personal beliefs. She also was extremely judgmental. If someone didn’t have cancer, according to her, they had no real problems & she didn’t want to hear them whine. Several times, she was very critical & invalidating to me of my problems, whether they were serious or trivial.

For the record, these changes happened in both of them well before any diagnosis of the cancer in their brains.

Although both ladies have been gone for several years, I still remember very well how each woman made me feel. My friend made me feel very loved & like time spent with me was valuable to her. My aunt? Not even close to the same. She made me feel as if all I did was whine about petty problems & was too stupid to recognize the only problem of the world was cancer.

This got me thinking about how people should make others they talk with feel. No functional person wants to cause other people to feel unloved, unheard, invalidated or other awful things. Yet, this happens every day. With or without intention, people say & do things that make others feel unloved, unheard & more. Following are some things I learned from my dear friend that I think are extremely important.

When spending time with someone, it is so important that they know you are present. What I mean is don’t listen to them talk while scrolling through your phone, looking at the television or the clock. Make eye contact. Respond to things they say. Show genuine empathy & care if they are telling you about a problem.

If someone is talking, don’t try to make the conversation all about you. Even if you understand what they feel or have been in an identical situation, it’s not always necessary to say that.

If someone is telling you about a problem in their life, even if you don’t understand why they’re upset, don’t be an unfeeling jerk by shaming them for their feelings. Ask if you can help somehow. Say things like, “I’m sorry to hear that!” or, “That is so unfair!”

Don’t give unasked for advice either. Many times when people confide in others, they simply want to vent. They will ask for advice if they need it. If they don’t, it’s safe to assume they have a solution in mind, so why try to give them one? Wait for the person to ask before giving advice.

When a person leaves a conversation, they should feel as my friend always made me feel – loved & valued. Small actions like I mentioned can make that happen, so please remember to do them.

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If Someone Hasn’t Proven Themselves Safe, They May Be Proving Themselves Dangerous

I was thinking about something not long ago. In October, 2017, my father died. His final twenty days, he was in the hospital, connected to a ventilator. We were no contact by this time, so my “family” decided that not only did they need to tell me this, they needed to harass & try to bully me into saying goodbye multiple times a day, every day.


I deleted & blocked access to the worst of the worst of my relatives, the ones who constantly bothered me. Some others I left the door open for contact. We remained Facebook friends & I didn’t block their phone numbers back then. Not one of them contacted me during that time or after my father’s passing.


At the time, I thought their behavior meant they were safe, but I later realized something. Although they hadn’t proven themselves to be completely toxic & unsafe, they also hadn’t proven themselves safe either.


In situations where you are unsure about whether or not a person is safe, it’s very important to figure the issue out!


Sometimes you simply don’t know a person very well, so they don’t feel comfortable discussing certain topics with you. In all fairness, that could have been the situation with my relatives. I never was very close with most people in my family, so I didn’t know them terribly well. Anyway the closeness or lack thereof in the relationship should be taken into consideration when attempting to decide if a person is truly safe or unsafe.


If the person in question is a relative, I feel it can be important to know their immediate family & the relationship they have with them. That can be very telling. In my situation, the people were part of a branch of the family that was pretty enmeshed with each other. No one spoke up to their mother. Whatever she wanted, thought or believed was right, period. In fact, I saw only one person stand up to her one time about what I thought was a trivial matter & oddly, she never said anything in return. The incident did show me how much anger this person had inside, though, which unsettled me.


If the immediate family of the person in question is dysfunctional, you can guarantee the person also will be. The type of dysfunction is very important. Someone can be dysfunctional but trying to heal & change while also being kind & gentle. Yet, other dysfunctional people can be oblivious to just how dysfunctional they are, & they live their life out of that dysfunction, causing pain & chaos to others. This is how my family members are. They think they are functional & pretend any past trauma never happened. They live in their dysfunction in a self righteous manner. A person who doesn’t face their own dysfunction like this is going to be toxic to others to some degree. They may be invalidating to someone who mentions past trauma, saying things like it wasn’t so bad or it’s in the past so you need to let it go. Or, they may be outright cruel & say or do whatever they can to shut that person down. Clearly, people like this are unsafe & need to be avoided!


Another thing to consider.. if the person in question is close to someone who is actively abusive to you, it’s a very safe bet whatever you say to them will get back to the active abuser. It may simply be said in passing without ill intent, or it may be very deliberate on their part. Either way, abusers have absolutely NO need to know anything whatsoever about the people they abuse. Chances are they will use the information to cause suffering to their victim. Even if they don’t, I believe their toxic behavior has caused them to lose all right to know anything about their victim. So, even if the person doesn’t show obvious signs of being toxic, at the very least, it is likely they will mention you to your abuser.


I hope these tips will help you to surround yourself with only safe, good people! xoxo

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15% Off My Print Books Until May 7, 2021

If you have been interested in getting the print version of any of my books, now is a good time! My publisher is offering 15% off when using code SPRING15 at checkout until May 7, 2021.

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When Narcissists Befriend Your Friends & Family

One of the many ways narcissists are incredibly dangerous is how they want to win over the friends & families of their victims.   While this may not sound particularly dangerous, it truly can be.  It also can be destructive to a person’s life.

When a narcissist befriends those close to their victim, the narcissist learns a lot about that victim.  Naturally the narcissist & the victim’s loved one will discuss the victim at some point, & the victim’s loved one will mention something about them that will benefit the narcissist.  Maybe the victim started a new job or moved.  This person telling the narcissist information has provided the narcissist important information.  If the narcissist is the stalking type, now he or she knows new locations to find the victim.  If the narcissist doesn’t stalk, he or she still can cause problems.  The narcissist can make anonymous phone calls to get the victim in trouble with their boss or landlord.

Or, the victim’s loved one may mention something just in passing that infuriates the narcissist, such as the victim has started dating someone new.  If the narcissist hasn’t moved on, this will be a huge narcissistic injury.  Some especially malignant narcissists may be so evil, this news makes them decide to kill the victim.  If the narcissist isn’t that malignant, he or she still can cause problems for the victim & their new love interest in countless ways.  The narcissist might show the new love interest pictures of the victim & narcissist together claiming they never broke up.  The narcissist may even show provocative pictures taken of the victim during their time together.  The possibilities are endless.

There is also the likelihood that the victim’s relationships will be damaged, often beyond repair, by this new “friendship” with the narcissist.  When someone you’re close to suddenly becomes friends with your ex, it can be hurtful.  It’s also very suspicious if they never were friends while you were together.  When they know that your ex was abusive & are unapologetically on good terms with that person, that is a thousand times more hurtful.  It’s an obvious betrayal & proof that this person isn’t loyal to you.  That alone can end a relationship with a friend or relative, but if that person becomes the narcissist’s flying monkey, it’s pretty much a guarantee the victim will end that relationship. 

The narcissist doesn’t have to be an ex significant other for this to happen either.  It happens often in families when one relative is abused by their narcissistic parent.  People take sides, & usually they side with the narcissist.  It seems that every culture has this unspoken belief that parents can do no wrong & children should love them no matter what.  Plus, narcissists are very convincing actors, which helps them win people over to their side. 

In either scenario, once the narcissist befriends their victim’s friends or family, that victim will end up losing relationships.

Narcissists are aware of such things happening which is why they try to befriend their victim’s friends & family.  They stand to gain a great deal by doing this.  They also know they are stealing their victim’s support system, which hurts the victim.  They enjoy being able to hurt that person without so much saying a word to them. If you are in this situation where the narcissist in your life has befriended those close to you, my heart goes out to you.  Not only were you hurt by the narcissist, but by people you never thought would hurt you.  If you are still in a relationship with those people, chances are excellent that it’s in your best interest to end those relationships immediately.  Anyone who can befriend someone who abused you is NOT your friend.  They are too cowardly to stand up for what is right by telling the narcissist to get lost. 

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When You Hate Someone

Those of you close to me know that my husband & I have bought his late parents’ home from his two sisters.  Our situation has been challenging & rather different though in many ways from a typical home purchase.  For one thing, I haven’t spoken to them since 2002, & haven’t broken that even during this process.

They haven’t been good to my husband during this process, & it’s made me so angry, I realized I went from feeling nothing for them to hating them

As a Christian, this isn’t somewhere I wanted to be but I wasn’t sure how not to feel that way.  I asked God to help me not hate them a couple of times, but mostly just tried not to think about it.  Anything that is ignored doesn’t just disappear, so I have no idea why I thought that was smart.

While I was ignoring this hate in my heart, I had a dream one night.  In it, the only part I could remember was seeing a large flock of white doves.  I looked up the symbolism.  One possible meaning of doves in a dream is that you need to release any hatred you feel.  So much for ignoring it!

I got serious about asking God to help me get rid of this hate.  Matthew 5:44 came to mind.  In the Amplified translation, it says, “But I say to you, love [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for] your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,”  This really isn’t my favorite Scripture, to be honest.  It might be my least favorite in fact.  Even so, that doesn’t mean it can be ignored.  I started praying for them.  Not just as my in-laws or my husband’s sisters.  By name.  I forced myself to think of each one of them specifically as I prayed for them.  Somehow it felt like the right thing to do & I am so glad I did it!

The first two or three times I did this, it was hard.  I wasn’t sincere.  I was only praying for them because I knew that is what God wanted me to do.  Then little by little, the hatred started to disappear.  It didn’t just vanish all at once.  It took lots of praying for them, & with each prayer, a bit of hate would disappear.

Once I’d decided to pray for them, I noticed that often, I’d think of them out of the blue, & get really angry.  Rather than sit with that anger, I’d pray for them.  Even if it was just a simple prayer, asking God to turn their hearts to Him or to bless them, I’d still pray it.  And you know something?  The more I did that, the less the anger reared its ugly head.

I don’t want you to misunderstand me.  I’m not saying that all is forgiven & forgotten, we’re going to be best friends now.  I am still angry about the terrible behavior they have exhibited towards my husband.  That is reasonable, I believe, because we should always be angry about someone we love being mistreated, but especially when the abusive person shows no signs of remorse.  I also will continue not to have a relationship with them for the rest of our lives. 

Praying for them took me to a much more reasonable & even Godly place.  God doesn’t want His children hating others, but He does want us hating what is evil, according to Romans 12:9.  Abusing someone without remorse or changing behavior is evil, so there is nothing wrong with hating such things.  There is also nothing bad with having healthy boundaries in place.  Examples of setting healthy boundaries are sprinkled all throughout the Bible.

If you have gotten to a place that I was where you hate someone, then please consider praying for that person as I did.  It really is worth the effort.  It truly helps!  It’ll help the person you’re praying for & it’ll help you by allowing you to release that hatred in your heart.   

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Sale On My Print Books!

My publisher is offering a sale on all of my print books. Use code ORDER15 at checkout.

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Narcissists & Loyalty

Narcissists have an incredibly skewed view of loyalty.

Narcissists demand blind loyalty from people in their lives, no matter what.  The average person has the sense to realize that if they do certain things, people in their lives won’t approve, & if they do really bad things, they will lose those people.  While this seems like common sense, it’s not to narcissists.  Those in their lives are supposed to be blindly loyal to them no matter what they do.  No matter how badly they abuse & cause pain & suffering, their victims are supposed to remain by their side.  They could set an orphanage on fire on Christmas Eve while kicking puppies & they would expect people in their lives to support this decision whole heartedly.  Failure to support the decision is proof of disloyalty to the narcissist.

Narcissists demand people forgive & forget any egregious behavior on their part, no matter how horrific.   A part of the blind loyalty narcissists demand from their victims is for them to forgive & forget, so the narcissist can continue abusing them without consequences.  Any confrontation from the victim seems to be taken as a betrayal by the narcissist.  They act like the victim has no right to complain about their behavior.  Narcissists also expect others the victim may tell about the abuse also to forgive & forget, to make excuses for the abuse, to deny it ever happened or to blame the victim for making the narcissist behave in such a manner.  Doing those things proves loyalty to the narcissist.

Narcissists seem to take their children growing up as a form of betrayal, as if the child has done this terrible thing on purpose just to hurt them.  Children grow up.  Everyone knows this.  Except narcissists.  To them, growing up proves their children are nothing but disloyal, disobedient & out to hurt their narcissistic parent.

All narcissists expect blind obedience, & lack of blind obedience is taken as a betrayal & sign of being disloyal.  Overt & covert narcissists demand obedience in different ways, but make no mistake about it – they do demand it.  Overts will use threats or raging while coverts use guilt, shaming & act disappointed in those who disobey them.  Either way, whatever a narcissist wants someone to do for them, it’s expected to be done post haste, & not doing so is proof of disloyalty.  Even if whatever the action is goes against someone’s morals or causes physical pain or financial loss, if the action isn’t done, the narcissist will see this person as disloyal.

Narcissists are of the mindset, “If you’re not for me, you’re against me.”  Narcissists take a difference of opinion as a personal attack & proof of your disloyalty.  They can’t seem to grasp that people don’t all think like them & it’s ok.  Thinking differently than them is wrong in their mind & proof a person isn’t to be trusted.

Clearly the view of loyalty narcissists have proves their thinking is very messed up to put it nicely.  Like their views on other topics like respect, their views on loyalty are incredibly dysfunctional & wrong.

Actually, the way narcissists view loyalty also explains a lot about the people narcissists are close to.  They share these very skewed views of loyalty.  They also have absolutely no integrity to be so incredibly loyal to someone like a narcissist even when they know the person is harming other people.  Any person with a conscience couldn’t be so loyal to a person with such terrible character deficits.

If the narcissist in your life says you’re disloyal, then take it as a complement!  It shows you’re not thinking the same warped way they are! 

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Dysfunctional Family Holiday Gatherings

During the holiday season, many families get together.  They share a good meal & enjoy each other’s company.  There is no pressure about these gatherings & everyone genuinely looks forward to them.

Then there are the dysfunctional family gatherings.  They are something very different.

On first glance, dysfunctional family gatherings may look the same as their functional counterparts.  Family members get together & share a big meal.  But, that is often where the similarities end.

With dysfunctional families, the stress is terrible.  There is usually intense pressure to show up at the get together no matter what.  Sick?  Who cares?  You aren’t so sick you can’t attend!  Car trouble?  So what?  Figure out how to get there!  You would prefer to spend the day at home or with some friends?  Clearly something is very wrong with you!  No one is as worthy of your time as the dysfunctional family, & the holiday dictator will be highly offended if you even consider spending time with anyone else.  You need to attend this gathering & act like you are happy when you’re there, even if you are miserable.  Your misery means nothing, after all.  This gathering is all about appearances, not about having a good time.

There’s also the dysfunctional clique action.  Some people are going to shun other people or at the very least talk badly about them.  Maybe the other people didn’t bring a large enough casserole.  Maybe their gifts didn’t cost as much as the shunning people think they should have cost.  Maybe the other people weren’t wearing the appropriate holiday attire.  In any case, something will be found to criticize even when there isn’t anything to criticize.

The truth is that very few people genuinely enjoy this get together.  They may dread it but feel no other option is available but to attend & pretend to have a wonderful time. 

So why participate in this gathering at all?  Wouldn’t it just make more sense to do whatever you enjoy on the holidays & forego the dysfunctional family nightmare hoopla?  It would, but few will do that.  There are several reasons why.

One reason is no one wants to anger the holiday dictator.  Doing so can result in guilt trips, anger, &/or shaming.  No one wants this.  Many people think it is simply easier to sacrifice a holiday than to deal with the guilt, anger or shaming.

Another reason is that by participating in these get togethers, it gives the delusion that this family actually is a big, happy, functional family.  They can pretend that everyone gets along & is a “normal” family because after all, they got together for this holiday gathering.  That is a perfectly normal thing to do, so it must prove they are all normal.

When you are aren’t someone who is capable of blindly going along with people’s delusions & denial, these gatherings can be described as nothing less than excruciating.  The fakeness of it all is exhausting & repulsive to those who believe in facing the truth.

When you are faced with these dysfunctional family gatherings, you can cope.  You have choices.

You can choose not to attend.  This decision is a tough one, because those who are in favor of this get together will judge & criticize you harshly for not attending.  Even so, it may be worth it.

You can attend, but with strict boundaries in place.  You can avoid the critics as much as possible.  You also can set a specific time to give to this gathering then leave at the allotted time.

If you attend & the critics start their nastiness, you also can simply say, “Well, isn’t that nice” & walk away.  In the southern part of the United States, that comment is known to be a polite way of saying, “I really don’t care.”   I have said it many times then walked away.  It feels good!  It also tells the critics their opinion means nothing to you. Believe it or not, you do have options during the holiday season.  Exercise them!  It is your right!

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When People Choose To Spend A Holiday With Your Abuser

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My Ebooks Are 25% Off Until January 1, 2021

Many of my ebooks are on sale until January 1, 2021! Use code WINTER30 at checkout. See my books at the following link:

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Another Sale On My Print Books!

My publisher is having yet another sale on print books. 10% off until November 20, 2020. Use code SELFPUBLISH10 at checkout

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When People Judge You For How You Celebrate (Or Don’t Celebrate) Holidays

The holiday season is a very popular time of year for narcissists.  Overt narcissists love ruining everyone’s joy by causing discord around holidays.  Covert narcissists love throwing parties, cooking, baking, buying tons of gifts & making sure everyone knows how hard they worked & sacrificed.  This sort of thing can lead to a lot of dread of holidays in many of us who have been subjected to holidays with narcissists. 

As if that isn’t bad enough, there are also those who judge those of us who are less than thrilled with holidays or even choose not to celebrate them.  I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been criticized for not liking holidays or celebrating them anymore.  I wish these judgmental jerks would experience just a part of what I have, then see if they can maintain their “holiday cheer.” 

Since that’s impossible, I figured I would discuss this topic for those of you who share my lack of enthusiasm & give some points you can bring up to the judgmental folks if you need to.

Not everyone is going to think the same about holidays, & there is nothing wrong with that!  Everyone is unique, right down to their fingerprints & DNA.  Just because someone celebrates in a way that is different than you doesn’t mean they’re automatically wrong.  It just means they want to do something different.  What gives anyone the right to say their way of celebrating is the only way to celebrate?

Some people are what I refer to as holiday Nazis.  They want what they want, when they want it for holidays, & there is zero tolerance for disobedience.  My mother in-law was like this as was my first mother in-law.  What makes the wishes of these people so important anyway?  What if someone wants to spend the day at home with their immediate family instead of attending some big party?  Why is that wrong?  I don’t see how it is. Again, it’s different, not wrong.  Besides, these people & their demands can ruin holidays for even the most die hard holiday fanatic.  How is that so difficult to understand?  It’s only normal that after repeated ruined holidays a person comes to dislike them.

Some people are also dysfunctional & not willing to work on it.  For them, holidays are a time to prove that their family isn’t dysfunctional, but a big, happy family.  These people can’t stand those of us who don’t go along with the charade, because we threaten their delusions.  Rather than face the truth, they attack those of us who live in it for not going along with their big happy family act.  How does this make any sense?  It only makes sense in the minds of the dysfunctional fools who behave this way.

And, what if someone has found a way to enjoy holidays that works for them?  Why is that worthy of criticism?  Holidays are supposed to be about joy, peace & love.  Where is any of that in judging how someone spends holidays? 

Those of us who have had more bad than good holidays don’t need judgment & criticism about what we want to do.  We don’t need to hear that we are wrong for how we choose to celebrate or if we choose to ignore the day.  We don’t need to be criticized because we prefer Italian food or some other food over traditional holiday fare.  We don’t need to have our faith brought into question because we don’t celebrate Christmas the way other people do.  Not celebrating Christmas the traditional way has absolutely nothing to do with a person’s faith in God any more than not celebrating Thanksgiving makes a person ungrateful.  No one should be made to feel flawed or “less than” simply because they choose to live their life in a way that brings them peace & joy.  If someone tries to make you feel badly for how you celebrate or don’t celebrate this holiday season, remember that clearly they have the problem, not you.  Functional people don’t try to ruin other people’s joy.

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Myths About Abusive People

Many people believe utter nonsense when it comes to abusive people.  This post is about dispelling those myths.

“He/she is a good person.  There’s no way he/she could be abusive towards anyone!”  Definite myth.  Abusive people can be active in their church, work with the homeless, donate a lot of money to charity & even foster children in dire straights.  Narcissists are extremely concerned about looking good, & such actions make a person look good.  They will do whatever they can to look good.  It doesn’t mean they are good people.

“I’ve never seen this person abuse anyone.  They can’t be abusive!”  Abusers hide their actions from all but their victim.  Abusers can appear kind, caring, charming… it doesn’t mean that they aren’t trying to destroy their victim behind closed doors.  Again, they are concerned about looking good, so naturally they will hide their abusive ways from everyone but their victim.

“That person has always been nice to me!”  Of course he or she has always been nice to you!  Abusers don’t abuse every single person they come into contact with.  They are selective when choosing their victims.  Those they choose not to abuse, they are nice to so they don’t think the abuser could be abusive, & the victim’s claims of abuse won’t be believed.

“But he/she is a pastor, doctor, teacher, police officer, etc!”  Helping professions such as those are very appealing to narcissists because they attract admiration from the general public.  Being a pastor, doctor, teacher, etc. doesn’t make someone immune to being abusive.  Many people in those professions are good, caring people, but not all are.

“All parents love their children.  Parents don’t abuse their children.”  Just because someone is biologically able to become a parent doesn’t mean they automatically are good, loving parents.  Some people are incapable of loving anyone in a healthy way, & that includes their own children.

“Your mother/father always brags about you.  He/she must love you!”  Another fallacy.   Narcissists want people to envy them as much as they envy others.  Bragging about their super talented, attractive, etc. children can garnish envy from others.  It doesn’t mean the parent actually believes their children are as wonderful as they make them sound.

“But he/she said he/she was a Christian!  That means this person can’t be abusive.”  People can say anything they like.  I could tell you right now that I’m of Korean heritage.  I may even participate in Korean customs, but one look at me shows my lineage is primarily German & Irish.  I can claim what I like, but the truth is easy to see.  The same goes for so called “Christian abusers.”  They may claim to be good Christians.  They may be active in their church & know the Christian lingo.  Their abusive actions however prove they are nothing like what they claim to be.  And, many abusers hide in the guise of being religious.  People assume someone who claims to be religious or is active in their church is a good person, so that person is usually not watched carefully for signs of being abusive.

“He/she says you’re lying.”  No abuser is going to admit their horrible behavior unless they absolutely have to, & then, they’ll offer up excuses.

“It wasn’t abuse.  You two just weren’t a good match.”  There is a big difference between a poorly matched couple & an abusive relationship.  Poorly matched couples realize that fact & go on their way.  One person doesn’t abuse another because of being poorly matched.

If someone tells you that they are being abused, do NOT fall for these myths!  Look at the situation objectively rather than assuming the person they claim is abusive is too good to be an abuser.  Or, if someone has told you these things regarding your abuser, feel free to show them this post if you think it will help.  xoxo

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My Ebooks Are On Sale!

Just a friendly reminder that all of my ebooks are still 25% off until July 31, 2020. They can be found at this link:

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“Super Powers” In Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse

I recently saw the most interesting conversation on television!  In this particular scene, a younger lady was talking with an older lady.  The younger lady was deaf, & discussing how things went when she began to lose her hearing in her teens.  She said she was afraid & angry, naturally, but her older sister told her being deaf was her super power.  She learned how to adapt to this new life which obviously wasn’t easy.  She also mentioned how people in their community were learning sign language, & that it was all because of her.

Immediately I began to think of those of us who have survived narcissistic abuse.  We have super powers too!

We survived some pretty horrific stuff!  Simply surviving narcissistic abuse definitely fits into the super power category!  Many people don’t.  They end up committing suicide, & quite honestly, who can blame them?  Like many others, I sure considered it plenty when I was going through it.

We also not only survived, but we did so with our sanity & humanity in tact.  Narcissists pull out all the stops when they abuse their victims in an attempt to utterly destroy them.  Surviving that without becoming angry or bitter or continuing their abuse is really impressive!  Many people who survive narcissistic parents simply don’t have the strength or courage to break the cycle of abuse, & they abuse their children.

Many of us go on to talk openly about our painful experiences, & by doing so, help other people.  We create awareness of narcissistic abuse, which is desperately needed.  And, we help other victims to learn what is happening with them when we discuss our experiences.  I’m sure you remember how it was prior to learning about narcissistic abuse.  You felt like you were going crazy, maybe the narcissist was right & you were causing all of the problems in the relationship & more.  Learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder is incredibly freeing because you learn the narcissist is the problem, not you like the narcissist said.  By discussing your experiences openly, you’re helping other people obtain that freedom!  Also, by discussing narcissistic abuse, we are able to show others what does & doesn’t work with not only dealing with narcissists but the healing process as well.

If you have C-PTSD as a result of the narcissistic abuse, you aren’t exempt from having the super powers.  I know many who have it consider themselves weak or seriously flawed, but that isn’t the case at all!  You simply have a scar that shows yourself & others you survived some pretty horrific stuff.  I know C-PTSD is horrible, I live with it too.  But living with something so painful & challenging is a super power!

And you know something else?  By being open & honest about your struggles with C-PTSD, you’re helping others.  You may help some people who may not yet realize they too have the disorder.  They may hear of your struggles & realize this is what’s been happening with them.  While naturally no one wants to be diagnosed with any illness, mental or physical, if you’re suffering with symptoms & have no clue why, learning what is happening is incredibly helpful!  Having answers means you know what you’re dealing with & can find the proper treatment.

Also, by discussing your symptoms openly & how you cope with those symptoms, you help others find ways to manage their symptoms.  It can be so hard to come up with ideas to help yourself, especially when symptoms are flaring up, which means learning what works & doesn’t work for others can be extremely helpful!

Please never forget, Dear Reader, that you have super powers.  You survived some of the cruelest abuse a human can survive & are going on to help others.  Those are some impressive super powers!  That is amazing & you should be very proud of yourself!

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When Dysfunctional Family Members Side With Your Abuser

Living through narcissistic abuse is a horrific experience that no one should have to endure.  As if that isn’t bad enough, many victims open up to their family about their experiences & are met with unbelief, blame, shaming comments, denial & more.  Their family members say that they should forgive & forget, get over it, & other invalidating comments.  It’s so shocking when you expect support & love & are met with these terrible reactions.  As if this wasn’t enough, many families offer unconditional love & support to the abuser while shunning the victim.

The vast majority of my family never cared that my parents were abusive to me.  They ignored signs when I was a child.  As an adult, they told me things like I needed to get over my childhood hurts, I only get one set of parents & I needed to fix the relationship with my parents.  No doubt many of you can relate.

Victims often wonder why their family acts this way.  I have some ideas why.  By explaining the behavior, I am certainly NOT excusing it.  There is no valid reason to treat a victim this way.  I am simply trying to show victims that the people who say such comments are incredibly dysfunctional & should be ignored not believed.

Denial is the main reason families reject victims & support abusers.  Who wants to accept the fact that someone they love in their own family is capable of horrible acts?!  No one.  Many people do it anyway.  Many other people lack the courage to face that ugly truth.  Also, by denying the abuse, they can have a clear conscience when it comes to failing to help or protect the victim.  If the abuse didn’t happen, even only in their mind, then they did nothing wrong.  Lastly, many of these people care a great deal about the abuser.  Narcissists can be quite charming & likeable.  These people believe this act is the real person & become so enchanted with that false persona, they will reject anything that threatens it which includes someone claiming that person isn’t the perfect person they present themselves as.

Many of these abuse defenders have abuse in their own past.  For every victim of abuse who confronts their pain & works on healing, there are other victims who don’t have the courage to do the same.  They pretend they weren’t abused, pushing all memories as far away from them as they can so as to avoid their pain.  When you face your pain, those people are reminded of theirs, especially if the abuse had similarities.  Facing your pain makes them feel badly for not facing theirs as well as reminds them of their own pain.  Since they don’t want to be reminded of their own pain, they will do their best to shut you down quickly. 

Some abuse defenders are also abusive narcissists.  Abusers don’t want to admit any behavior is abusive.  It means admitting to themselves that they too are abusers, & what they are doing is wrong.  While narcissists lack the empathy to care about the pain & suffering they cause their victims, they do care about what others think of them.  To be known as an abuser tarnishes their reputation, which is something they wish to avoid at all costs.

Many abuse defenders benefit from befriending the narcissist.  Immediately after my mother died, I learned she sent one of my aunts money monthly.  I was stunned!  They never got along & my mother often had complained of my aunt’s lack of money management skills as well as her expectations of others to bail her out every time she got herself into trouble.  I can only assume her benefiting from my mother is why she was such a staunch defender of my parents.  There are many others in similar situations who like my aunt, refuse to chance losing their benefits from the narcissist & prefer to throw their victims under the bus.

When you are in such a situation, I hope you keep this information in mind.  When your family dismisses your valid claims of abuse, the problem definitely isn’t you.  It’s them!

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Handling A Smear Campaign

Most people have heard of the notorious narcissistic smear campaign.  This happens when a victim ends a relationship with a narcissist.  Narcissists can’t handle rejection, so to extract revenge on the one who rejected them, they tell anyone who will listen the most terrible lies they can conjure up about the victim.  Sadly, many people believe the lies, & victims often end up losing relationships with people they love.  In many cases even some of their close friends & family believe the narcissist’s lies.  This is why smear campaigns can be one of the most painful things a narcissist can do to a victim.

When a smear campaign happens, many victims try to explain their side of the situation.  It’s only normal to want to be believed, after all, & prove that they are nothing like the narcissist says they are.  Sadly though, people who wish to explain themselves are often met with disbelief.  Worse yet, when they become upset about not being believed, people take their righteous anger as proof that the narcissist was right, & the victim really is crazy, irrational, or even abusive.  

Rather than frustrate yourself, there are some much better ways to handle this awful situation.

First, pray.  Ask God for whatever you need in the situation & in particular, His guidance in exactly how you should handle it.  This is the absolute best place to start in any situation, in my opinion, & especially in such a tricky one as dealing with a smear campaign.

Second, you need to shift your perspective a bit.  Someone who genuinely cares about you not only wouldn’t believe the narcissist’s lies, but would defend you.  Anyone who doesn’t do this & believes the narcissist’s lies clearly doesn’t really care about you.  Knowing that, why would you care what people like that think of you?

Third, it bears repeating – never defend yourself to anyone who believes the narcissist’s lies.  There is no point.  Some people prefer to believe lies to the truth, so defending yourself to them will only serve to convince them that you are as bad as the narcissist says you are.  I know it’s tempting to defend yourself, but truly, you will be better off not doing so!  Let these deluded people believe whatever they want.

Fourth, rather than worry about the lies being told about you, try to focus instead on living your life in such a way that no one with any sense would believe the lies.  Just let your good character shine through.  1 Peter 2:15 says, “For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people.” (ESV)  Doing this will prove that you are nothing like what the narcissist has said you are, & in fact, contrary to what the narcissist claims, you are a very good person.  Some people are die hard, excessively loyal to the narcissist, & they will refuse to believe anything but the lies.  The more rational, reasonable & functional people though will see the truth.  These are the people whose opinions you should value rather than those who blindly accept the narcissist’s lies as truth.

I know smear campaigns can be very difficult & painful to experience, but truly, you can & will get through it.  You will come out stronger & wiser from the experience too.  Your relationships most likely will be better as well.  The unhealthy ones will be weeded out by the narcissist’s lies, leaving you with the good ones.  Although smear campaigns are awful to go through, usually these good things & more end up coming from them.  Oddly, they really can be a blessing in disguise.

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Sale On My Ebooks!

My publisher is offering a 25% off sale on my ebooks from March 1-7.  Find them at the link below:

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

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Common Hoovering Tactics

After ending a relationship with a narcissist, the narcissist will NOT take it well.  No one likes rejection, of course, but narcissists take that dislike to an entirely new level.  Many have been known to stalk & harass their victims to punish them for rejecting the narcissist.  Most however, do something known as hoovering.  Hoovering is when a narcissist tries to lure a victim back in to the relationship.  It is yet another very good reason to have nothing to do with the narcissist once you end the relationship.

Narcissists have many ways they try to hoover in their victims.  All are sneaky & confusing for a victim unless the victim is aware of what the narcissist is up to.

Often, they will have their flying monkeys talk to you.  They will explain how sorry the narcissist is & how miserable life is without you.  When I broke my engagement to my now ex husband, several people told me I should get back with him because he was miserable without me.  No one cared how I was without him, only about him.  The guilt I felt was intense, which obviously was the goal since it made me return to him.

The narcissist may “accidentally” run into you at the coffee shop or grocery store, & use this supposed chance meeting to tell you how much they miss you as an attempt to hoover you back.

Narcissists may use special days to their advantage, such as sending you a lovely card & gift on your birthday, or reminding you that today would have been your anniversary.  This is to make sure you think of them favorably & give them an excuse to talk to you

Narcissists aren’t above using a crisis to their advantage either.  If you have had a serious problem & the narcissist learns of it, he or she may try to contact you claiming to be concerned about you.  Or, if the narcissist has had a crisis, he or she may let you know, saying they thought you would want to know.  These are only about getting their foot in the door.

Items also can give a narcissist an excuse to contact a victim after the relationship is over.  They may ask if you have some item of theirs, even knowing you don’t have it.  It’s merely an excuse to reach out to you.

Sometimes narcissists may use technology to hoover.  They may text you, claiming it was for someone else, then try to start a conversation.  They may call you, asking if you called them, then when they say they look at their phone, they mistook your number for someone else’s, but since you’re talking, how are you?  Some will even send a message, then ignore your response.

If they can open the door of communication in any way, they absolutely will do it.  Doing so probably means they will tell you how miserable they are without you & how much they have changed.

When things like this happen, don’t be foolish as I was with my ex!  Be aware of what is happening.  They are only trying to hoover you back for their own benefit, not because they love you.  Remind yourself that they don’t miss you, per se.  They miss how you made them feel.  They miss how they could control & manipulate you.

Never forget that the primary interest of any narcissist is that narcissist.  No one else really matters to them.  This means they only want you back because you can benefit them in some way.

Remember the tactics & why the narcissist is doing these things.  These things are done only to manipulate you back into the relationship so the narcissist can abuse you further.

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Traits Of Unsafe People

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Characteristics Of Unsafe People

Not all unsafe people are narcissists.  Unfortunately, those of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse can be so focused on spotting & avoiding narcissists that we don’t notice traits in your garden variety unsafe people.  It can be all too easy to overlook some unsafe qualities because if you compare them to narcissistic traits, they don’t seem all that bad.  That doesn’t mean that these people are ok, however.  It just means they aren’t as unsafe as narcissists.  They still can cause frustration, hurt & pain.

Below is a list of traits of unsafe people I have compiled.

Unsafe people can come on too strong.  Granted, narcissists do this, so it is at the very least a sign of an unsafe person, if not a narcissist.  Watch out for anyone who says, “You’re going to be my best friend!” about as soon as you meet, or someone you date who starts discussing marriage almost immediately.  Being so clingy simply isn’t normal.

Unsafe people also avoid facing their own problems, & will do about anything to avoid it.  When my father was dying, my family & even strangers came out of the woodwork to attack me for not being there to say good bye, as I’ve said before.  It went on for months but happened daily for his final three weeks when he was in the hospital.  I asked God why this was happening & He told me something interesting.  Some people were in deep denial.  They didn’t want to face their own past abuse.  Me not being there threatened their denial.  I have been open about the abuse in my past, & me having the strength to face it made them feel bad for not doing the same.  They felt they had to shut me down & make me do what they felt I should do so they could continue that denial.  Rather than face difficult issues, many people will go even to such extremes to maintain their denial.

Unsafe people have no interest in improving themselves.  Safe people want to learn & grow, lose bad habits, & other good things.  Unsafe people couldn’t care less about such things.

Unsafe people act like they know everything.  You can’t tell an unsafe person anything, because they know it all.  They aren’t open to any knowledge, not only knowledge about how to improve themselves.

Unsafe people also become defensive at constructive criticism.  Constructive criticism can help a person learn, grow & improve him or her self.  Naturally this is a huge turn off to unsafe people since they have no interest in doing any such things.

When an unsafe person hurts another person, chances of accepting responsibility for their actions, a genuine apology & changed behavior are very, very slim.  If you tell someone that something they said or did hurt you, & they act this way, it is a huge red flag saying this person is unsafe.

Unsafe people also demand trust rather than accepting the fact trust is earned.  So many people say, “You can trust me” that it isn’t often noticed.  It’s something that needs to be noticed, however!  A healthy, safe person knows trust is earned, not given on demand.

Unsafe people can be very selfish.  I don’t mean in a narcissistic way, where every single thing has to come back to them & they rage if it doesn’t.  Not all selfish people are malicious, they are simply thoughtless.  Even so, their selfishness can hurt you.  If this happens & the person accepts responsibility, apologizes & their behavior changes, this is a very good sign that this person is safe.  If none of that happens, however, this person is unsafe.

Unsafe people can be demanding of your time.  Part of the selfishness factor, unsafe people want to monopolize your time.  Naturally, not everyone who wants to spend time with you is unsafe.   Good friends & loved ones naturally want to spend time with each other.  Extroverts love to spend time with people.  The key to recognizing an unsafe person in this area is someone who pretty much demands you spend time together when they want, & either acts offended or gives guilt trips when you are unavailable.

I believe these tips can help you to recognize unsafe people easily.  And, when you come across them, always remember to keep your boundaries firmly in place, & be ready to enforce them as needed.

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