Tag Archives: relative
I read a really good article the other day. It gave me another reminder that it’s ok to cut toxic people out of my life, even if they’re so called “family.” I thought I’d pass this excellent reminder along to you, Dear Reader.
Although family is supposed to be a safe haven, that isn’t always the case, as no doubt you are well aware. Many families are downright cruel & abusive to their own family members. When their victims defend themselves, they often are shunned by other relatives (even ones who know how the abusers are), friends & society in general. Why people seem to think you should tolerate abuse from someone because you share some genes & maybe a name is beyond me!
Being related to someone by blood or by marriage does NOT give a person the right to be abusive. In fact, there is NOTHING that gives any person the right to be abusive.
As the victim of an abusive person, you have rights…
- You have every right to protect yourself from all abuse- spiritual, mental, emotional, verbal, financial, physical & sexual.
- You have the right to expect people to treat you with basic respect- be polite, not try to cause you harm or pain, etc.
- You have the right to be upset when you are mistreated or abused.
- You have the right to say no & to have healthy boundaries & to expect them to be respected.
- You have the right not to tolerate guilt trips, manipulation & attempts to control you.
- You have the right to be in a relationship without losing yourself, to maintain your own identity & independence that is pleasing to you.
- You have the right to live your life in a way that is good & healthy for you, even if others disapprove.
- You have the right to end a relationship with an abusive person, even if that person is “family.”
Remember these rights, Dear Reader. If someone in your family is abusive, you absolutely have every right to eliminate that person from your life if you have to do so to protect yourself.
Sometimes avoiding narcissists is impossible no matter how hard you try & how much knowledge you have about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When that happens, there are some ways that you can fluster them enough to where they will want to leave you alone.
If you have & enforce good boundaries, narcissists won’t like you. A good victim has weak or non existent boundaries. If you have & enforce your boundaries, a narcissist won’t know what to do with you. They may try to make you feel stupid or wrong for having them, but when you are secure in the knowledge what you are doing is right, their gaslighting won’t work.
Having healthy self esteem is a huge turn off to narcissists. The lower a person’s self esteem, the easier that person is to control. Similarly, the healthier a person’s self esteem, the harder that person is to control. While narcissists often enjoy the challenge of controlling a person with healthy self esteem, they will give up when they see that person isn’t going to tolerate their abuse.
Knowing about NPD is also a huge turn off to narcissists. Even if you don’t explain the ugly details of narcissism to them or call them out, so long as you know what these people are like & what they are capable of, it will be a problem for them. Narcissists don’t want anyone to figure out what they are doing, because a person who understands their games cannot be controlled or manipulated, & won’t create any narcissistic supply.
Self validation is a powerful weapon against narcissists. They want their victims to look only to them for validation. A person who doesn’t need the narcissist for validation won’t provide any narcissistic supply or be controlled by a narcissist.
Understanding that no contact is a very viable option gives you strength when dealing with a narcissist, & they can’t handle that. Narcissists want to be the ones in charge at all times. If you know that you have options, & don’t have to let the narcissist make all decisions in the relationship, you will become a problem to a narcissist.
If a narcissist knows you don’t need him or her, you become a threat. Narcissistic parents & spouses in particular like to make a victim completely dependent on them, preferably financially or emotionally. If they see you are well aware you don’t need the narcissist, can leave the relationship anytime & still survive just fine, you won’t be a good victim to the narcissist.
Avoiding all narcissists seems to be impossible, unfortunately. However, if you can implement some of these tools, you will be able to handle yourself very well when you must deal with them.
Good morning, Dear Readers!
A few days ago, I finished a book for parents of children affected by narcissistic abuse. I believe it will help those of you in that painful position, including those of you co-parenting with a narcissist.
The book is available in both ebook & print format, as usual. The ebook version can be found here:
The print version can be found here:
Within a few weeks, both also can be found on amazon, Barnes & Nobel & other websites as well as my own site, www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com
The book is shorter than my other books, but please don’t be discouraged by its size. I would rather print a small book full of good information than a much larger one filled with fluff. And, I’m sure readers prefer that as well.
Enjoy the company of your elders. If you still have grandparents, visit them, & visit them often. Listen to their stories. Write them down or record them. You will learn so much wisdom from them while enjoying yourself at the same time. You will treasure their stories one day when they are gone. Some of my best memories involve my great grandmother when I was little or my granddad as an adult. As a very little girl, my great grandmother & I had fun drawing, playing her favorite card game (Gin Rummy) or even snuggling up while watching the fire works on July 4th. My granddad taught me a great deal about our family, including many fascinating stories of his & my grandmom’s early days of marriage & raising their family.
Grandparents & others in the elder generation can be such a blessing. They have seen a lot in their lifetime, & have learned a lot. They can teach you so much about life &, if they are relatives, about your family history as well. Not to mention, they can be a lot of fun. I always got some laughs when I spent time with Granddad. He had a wonderful sense of humor.
Before Grandmom died in 1996, she & my aunt wrote a small book together that wasn’t published. It included family history & some fun stories. She wanted our family to expand on it, but no one did. So a few years ago, I nagged my relatives for stories they wanted to include in the book. I added some pictures as well, & ended up with a wonderful finished product with the help of my publisher. If you feel creative, then I would suggest doing something similar. It’s a fun project, & with the help of self-publishers, even an amateur can create a lovely finished product that can be passed down & treasured through the generations.
If, like many of my readers, your elders are narcissists, this can be more complicated. Don’t feel guilty if your parents are old & you don’t want to spend time with them. How can you want to spend time with people who abuse you?! It’s normal to feel that way. People reap what they sow, & if they sow bad seeds into your life, you normally won’t want to spend time with them. It took me a long time to realize this & stop feeling so guilty for not wanting to spend more time with my parents. What you do regarding these people is between you & God only. Don’t be guilt tripped into spending more time with abusive narcissists just because they’re old. Being old doesn’t give a person the right to be abusive, & many narcissists only get more abusive as they get older. You follow your heart & the promptings of God regarding the relationship, not what people have to say.