Tag Archives: relative

Biggest Sale Of The Year On My Ebooks & Great Sale On Print Books!

From July 1-31, 2021, my publisher is offering 25% off all of my ebooks.  It’s a great time to buy any of them you have been thinking about getting for a low price!

You can find all of my ebooks at the link below:

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

If you prefer print, there is a sale going on now until July 2, 2021 for 15% off! Use code SHELFCARE15 at checkout. They can be found at the link below:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Animals, Caregiving, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism, Writing

If Someone Hasn’t Proven Themselves Safe, They May Be Proving Themselves Dangerous

I was thinking about something not long ago. In October, 2017, my father died. His final twenty days, he was in the hospital, connected to a ventilator. We were no contact by this time, so my “family” decided that not only did they need to tell me this, they needed to harass & try to bully me into saying goodbye multiple times a day, every day.


I deleted & blocked access to the worst of the worst of my relatives, the ones who constantly bothered me. Some others I left the door open for contact. We remained Facebook friends & I didn’t block their phone numbers back then. Not one of them contacted me during that time or after my father’s passing.


At the time, I thought their behavior meant they were safe, but I later realized something. Although they hadn’t proven themselves to be completely toxic & unsafe, they also hadn’t proven themselves safe either.


In situations where you are unsure about whether or not a person is safe, it’s very important to figure the issue out!


Sometimes you simply don’t know a person very well, so they don’t feel comfortable discussing certain topics with you. In all fairness, that could have been the situation with my relatives. I never was very close with most people in my family, so I didn’t know them terribly well. Anyway the closeness or lack thereof in the relationship should be taken into consideration when attempting to decide if a person is truly safe or unsafe.


If the person in question is a relative, I feel it can be important to know their immediate family & the relationship they have with them. That can be very telling. In my situation, the people were part of a branch of the family that was pretty enmeshed with each other. No one spoke up to their mother. Whatever she wanted, thought or believed was right, period. In fact, I saw only one person stand up to her one time about what I thought was a trivial matter & oddly, she never said anything in return. The incident did show me how much anger this person had inside, though, which unsettled me.


If the immediate family of the person in question is dysfunctional, you can guarantee the person also will be. The type of dysfunction is very important. Someone can be dysfunctional but trying to heal & change while also being kind & gentle. Yet, other dysfunctional people can be oblivious to just how dysfunctional they are, & they live their life out of that dysfunction, causing pain & chaos to others. This is how my family members are. They think they are functional & pretend any past trauma never happened. They live in their dysfunction in a self righteous manner. A person who doesn’t face their own dysfunction like this is going to be toxic to others to some degree. They may be invalidating to someone who mentions past trauma, saying things like it wasn’t so bad or it’s in the past so you need to let it go. Or, they may be outright cruel & say or do whatever they can to shut that person down. Clearly, people like this are unsafe & need to be avoided!


Another thing to consider.. if the person in question is close to someone who is actively abusive to you, it’s a very safe bet whatever you say to them will get back to the active abuser. It may simply be said in passing without ill intent, or it may be very deliberate on their part. Either way, abusers have absolutely NO need to know anything whatsoever about the people they abuse. Chances are they will use the information to cause suffering to their victim. Even if they don’t, I believe their toxic behavior has caused them to lose all right to know anything about their victim. So, even if the person doesn’t show obvious signs of being toxic, at the very least, it is likely they will mention you to your abuser.


I hope these tips will help you to surround yourself with only safe, good people! xoxo

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Abusive People Side With Narcissists & Shun Victims

Several years ago, I posted something on my personal Facebook page that turned into a disaster.

The date was May 31, which is the day that my Granddad passed away in 2003. Each year in May, I get depressed because it’s been so difficult losing such a wonderful man. Some years I discuss it, some I don’t. One year, I mentioned it on Facebook & shared a few pictures of him. This simple act caused one of my relatives to be very angry with me. She left a nasty comment on my post for sharing this because she felt I was disrespecting my grandmother by not mentioning her, & only mentioning Granddad.

Think about this for a moment. It was the anniversary of my granddad’s passing. Doesn’t logic dictate that he was the center of my focus on that particular post rather than my grandmother? I adore her, but May 31 was more about Granddad in my mind & that seemed only logical under the circumstances to me. Besides, I mentioned her on her birthday, the date of her passing & my grandparents’ anniversary, so it’s not like she was ignored!

As if this relative’s reaction to my post wasn’t inane enough, it got worse.

The following May 31, I said nothing since I didn’t want to be attacked again. I didn’t think much about this until another one of my relatives (who happens to be a very malicious covert narcissist) mentioned it being the anniversary of my Granddad’s passing. This relative even shared the exact same pictures I had!! She also said similar things in her post as I had in mine the prior year! Her wording was almost word for word the same as mine. And yes, I compared our posts because I was reasonably sure she had copied mine! It was very shocking to me how she so obviously copied me, but what was even more shocking is the relative who the year prior chewed me out for being so “disrespectful” praised this person for doing the exact same thing as I had! She told this person how incredibly kind & thoughtful it was of her to remember Granddad & how much she loved her.

Frankly, the whole scene made me nauseous.

This type of scenario is very common in narcissistic families. The one who is honest about narcissistic abuse is shunned in so many ways by their own family for not conforming, for not being like the rest of the family & for being open about the family’s secrets. However, the narcissists in the family are treated so much differently! They are showered with love, support & encouragement.

If this is happening in your family, you aren’t imagining it. You aren’t over reacting. You aren’t being over sensitive for being angry about the insanity & unfairness of it. You are a person with a normal reaction to this dysfunctional situation. Unfortunately, for dysfunctional families with a narcissist (or more), their behavior is also pretty normal. Many people don’t have the courage to face the fact that someone in their family is an abusive monster or stand up for what is right. Instead, they side with the abuser. Standing up for what is right means actively doing things, like offering support to the victim & calling an abuser out on their actions. It is easier for cowardly people to side with the abuser. Besides, chances are good they will gain something from their allegiance to the narcissist. It could be favor with the narcissist or gifts or anything really.

All of this means that there is nothing wrong with you! It also is nothing personal, even though it feels that way. The problem lies with not only the abusive narcissist, but his or her flying monkeys as well. You are fine, they are not! Please try to remember that, & keep on telling your story!

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Why Do People Not Want You To Speak Up To Abusive Relatives

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You Have The Right To Protect Yourself From Abusive Family Members!

I read a really good article the other day.  It gave me another reminder that it’s ok to cut toxic people out of my life, even if they’re so called “family.”  I thought I’d pass this excellent reminder along to you, Dear Reader.

Although family is supposed to be a safe haven, that isn’t always the case, as no doubt you are well aware.  Many families are downright cruel & abusive to their own family members.  When their victims defend themselves, they often are shunned by other relatives (even ones who know how the abusers are), friends & society in general.  Why people seem to think you should tolerate abuse from someone because you share some genes & maybe a name is beyond me!

Being related to someone by blood or by marriage does NOT give a person the right to be abusive.  In fact, there is NOTHING that gives any person the right to be abusive. 

As the victim of an abusive person, you have rights…

  • You have every right to protect yourself from all abuse- spiritual, mental, emotional, verbal, financial, physical & sexual.
  • You have the right to expect people to treat you with basic respect- be polite, not try to cause you harm or pain, etc.
  • You have the right to be upset when you are mistreated or abused.
  • You have the right to say no & to have healthy boundaries & to expect them to be respected.
  • You have the right not to tolerate guilt trips, manipulation & attempts to control you.
  • You have the right to be in a relationship without losing yourself, to maintain your own identity & independence that is pleasing to you.
  • You have the right to live your life in a way that is good & healthy for you, even if others disapprove.
  • You have the right to end a relationship with an abusive person, even if that person is “family.”

 

Remember these rights, Dear Reader.  If someone in your family is abusive, you absolutely have every right to eliminate that person from your life if you have to do so to protect yourself.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

Ways To Frazzle Narcissists

Sometimes avoiding narcissists is impossible no matter how hard you try & how much knowledge you have about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  When that happens, there are some ways that you can fluster them enough to where they will want to leave you alone.

 

If you have & enforce good boundaries, narcissists won’t like you.  A good victim has weak or non existent boundaries.  If you have & enforce your boundaries, a narcissist won’t know what to do with you.  They may try to make you feel stupid or wrong for having them, but when you are secure in the knowledge what you are doing is right, their gaslighting won’t work.

 

Having healthy self esteem is a huge turn off to narcissists.  The lower a  person’s self esteem, the easier that person is to control.  Similarly, the healthier a person’s self esteem, the harder that person is to control.  While narcissists often enjoy the challenge of controlling a person with healthy self esteem, they will give up when they see that person isn’t going to tolerate their abuse.

 

Knowing about NPD is also a huge turn off to narcissists.  Even if you don’t explain the ugly details of narcissism to them or call them out, so long as you know what these people are like & what they are capable of, it will be a problem for them.  Narcissists don’t want anyone to figure out what they are doing, because a person who understands their games cannot be controlled or manipulated, & won’t create any narcissistic supply.

 

Self validation is a powerful weapon against narcissists.  They want their victims to look only to  them for validation.  A person who doesn’t need the narcissist for validation won’t provide any narcissistic supply or be controlled by a narcissist.

 

Understanding that no contact is a very viable option gives you strength when dealing with a narcissist, & they can’t handle that.  Narcissists want to be the ones in charge at all times.  If you know that you have options, & don’t have to let the narcissist make all decisions in the relationship, you will become a problem to a narcissist.

 

If a narcissist knows you don’t need him or her, you become a threat.  Narcissistic parents & spouses in particular like to make a victim completely dependent on them, preferably financially or emotionally.  If they see you are well aware you don’t need the narcissist, can leave the relationship anytime & still survive just fine, you won’t be a good victim to the narcissist.

 

Avoiding all narcissists seems to be impossible, unfortunately.  However, if you can implement some of these tools, you will be able to handle yourself very well when you must deal with them.

 

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New Book For Parents Of Children Affected By Narcissistic Abuse

Good morning, Dear Readers!

 

A few days ago, I finished a book for parents of children affected by narcissistic abuse.  I believe it will help those of you in that painful position, including those of you co-parenting with a narcissist.

 

The book is available in both ebook & print format, as usual.  The ebook version can be found here:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/595614

 

The print version can be found here:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/cynthia-bailey-rug/children-and-narcissistic-personality-disorder-a-guide-for-parents/paperback/product-22456038.html

 

Within a few weeks, both also can be found on amazon, Barnes & Nobel & other websites as well as my own site, www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

 

The book is shorter than my other books, but please don’t be discouraged by its size.  I would rather print a small book full of good information than a much larger one filled with fluff.  And, I’m sure readers prefer that as well.

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Don’t Take The Elderly For Granted! They Can Be A Treasure!

Enjoy the company of your elders.  If you still have grandparents, visit them, & visit them often.  Listen to their stories.  Write them down or record them.  You will learn so much wisdom from them while enjoying yourself at the same time.  You will treasure their stories one day when they are gone.  Some of my best memories involve my great grandmother when I was little or my granddad as an adult.  As a very little girl, my great grandmother & I had fun drawing, playing her favorite card game (Gin Rummy) or even snuggling up while watching the fire works on July 4th.  My granddad taught me a great deal about our family, including many fascinating stories of his & my grandmom’s early days of marriage & raising their family.

Grandparents & others in the elder generation can be such a blessing.  They have seen a lot in their lifetime, & have learned a lot.  They can teach you so much about life &, if they are relatives, about your family history as well.  Not to mention, they can be a lot of fun.  I always got some laughs when I spent time with Granddad.  He had a wonderful sense of humor.

Before Grandmom died in 1996, she & my aunt wrote a small book together that wasn’t published.  It included family history & some fun stories.  She wanted our family to expand on it, but no one did.  So a few years ago, I nagged my relatives for stories they wanted to include in the book.  I added some pictures as well, & ended up with a wonderful finished product with the help of my publisher.  If you feel creative, then I would suggest doing something similar.  It’s a fun project, & with the help of self-publishers, even an amateur can create a lovely finished product that can be passed down & treasured  through the generations.

If, like many of my readers, your elders are narcissists, this can be more complicated.  Don’t feel guilty if your parents are old & you don’t want to spend time with them.  How can you want to spend time with people who abuse you?!  It’s normal to feel that way.  People reap what they sow, & if they sow bad seeds into your life, you normally won’t want to spend time with them.  It took me a long time to realize this & stop feeling so guilty for not wanting to spend more time with my parents.  What you do regarding these people is between you & God only.  Don’t be guilt tripped into spending more time with abusive narcissists just because they’re old.  Being old doesn’t give a person the right to be abusive, & many narcissists only get more abusive as they get older.  You follow your heart & the promptings of God regarding the relationship, not what people have to say.

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