Tag Archives: respect

What Is Respect?

Growing up with narcissistic parents, you learn early on that to show respect means that you tolerate abuse, blindly obey & never talk back or confront your parents about the abuse they inflicted on you.  Since you are ignored & invalidated, you also knew that you are unworthy of this so-called respect.

 

The fact is though that none of this is real respect!  It is some mock version of respect narcissists teach their kids so they can justify their abuse.

 

If you too grew up with such a skewed view of respect, then it’s time to get a healthier perspective.

 

Respect should be mutual in a healthy relationship.  Both parties should care about each other & each other’s needs & feelings.

 

Respect is earned, not demanded.  My mother used to tell me that she demanded respect, which is entirely wrong!  A person can command respect with their actions, but demanding respect never works out well.  When a person is ordered to give someone respect, that person is immediately turned off to the demanding one.

 

There is absolutely nothing respectful about tolerating abuse.  Standing up for yourself shows that you have self-respect, that you care enough about yourself to want better & to know that you deserve better treatment.

 

Saying “no” can be a very respectful thing.  Allowing someone to have their way at all times shows that you have no self-respect.  Enforcing healthy boundaries however, shows you respect yourself.  It also shows that you care enough about the other person to want them to do better, because boundaries encourage good behavior.

 

 

 

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Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

Can You & Your Friends Agree To Disagree?

I was thinking today of something…

 

Right after Christmas of last year, I shared a blog post about some thoughts regarding going no contact with narcissistic parents.  I said in my experience, I was glad I didn’t do it. My father had some health problems which meant I spent a great deal of time with my parents, & things had improved a lot during that time in our relationship.  In the post, I encouraged others to consider my story if they are thinking of going no contact, not to change their minds, but just to give them another topic to consider.  (there was more to it but that’s the basics anyway).  A well known blogger followed me at the time & we were also facebook friends.  She read my post & apparently read a lot into it that I didn’t put in the post.  She & another of my followers got into a rather heated disagreement when I was away from the computer, & it was done by the time I saw it.  Not that I could’ve done anything anyway- I can’t stop people from posting in my blog comments sections.  Anyway shortly after, the other blogger unfollowed my blog, removed my book recommendation from her site & blocked me on facebook.

 

At first this hurt, I won’t lie.  I was stunned plus wondering what did I do to warrant this behavior from her?  It was another follower she got into a disagreement over, not me!  I wasn’t even there!  Quickly though, I realized that she has some pretty narcissistic tendencies (I’d seen a few glimpses of them before but had brushed them off as me being oversensitive), one of which was she didn’t handle people disagreeing with her well.  This was a touchy topic with her as she believes everyone should be no contact with every narcissist, period.

 

I also realized that many people are this way.  They are of the “if you’re not for me, you’re against me” mentality.  Oddly, it seems very common today.  Not a lot of people can agree to disagree.  Just look at politics.  Many people (both liberal & conservative alike) act as if you’re a fool for your views if you don’t agree with theirs.

 

People who respect you enough to allow you to have your own opinion are a gem.  Truly!  I have friends who share different views on all kinds of things or are of different religious beliefs, & you know what?  It’s fine!  We don’t try to push our views on each other.  If we have questions about whatever the other person believes, we ask respectfully.  And you know something?  Those friendships have lasted much longer than the ones with people who are always trying to change your mind or belittle you for disagreeing with them.

 

Those friendships are also deeper, more comfortable as well, because each of us knows that the other person won’t judge us.

 

Another bonus is knowing people who are different than you expands your horizons.  For example, I have a friend who was a part of the Pagan religion for a long time.  She taught me quite a bit about herbal remedies.  This is interesting information to me!  Not to mention helpful.  I’ll run for something herbal before I’ll run for the pharmacy if I need healing since usually herbal works as well or better, & with less potential side effects).  If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know if I would’ve even been interested in herbal remedies.

 

How do you fit into this?  Are you able to disagree respectfully with others or do you believe your friends must agree with you fully?  If you only surround yourself with those who believe & think as you do, I encourage you today to expand your horizons.  Get to know people of different religions, races or cultures.  It’ll bless you as well as them.

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Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health

Last Minute Mother’s Day Thoughts For Abused Daughters

Good morning, Dear Readers.

As Mother’s Day approaches, I know many of you are suffering, because your mother was (probably still is) abusive.  It doesn’t help that everywhere you turn, commercials, ads & even well meaning but oblivious people are telling you to celebrate your mother tomorrow.  After all, she’s the only mother you’ll ever have, & she won’t be around forever!!

..sighs..

My heart goes out to each of you, & I’m praying for everyone reading this to have peace tomorrow.  I’m sorry for not only the abuse you have endured & continue to endure, but for the guilt trips you undoubtedly hear each Mother’s Day.  Ignore the guilt!  While your mother deserves basic respect because she is your mother, that doesn’t mean you need to praise her endlessly for being a fantastic mother if she wasn’t. 

“But it’ll hurt her feelings if I don’t make a big fuss!”   You may be thinking.  True, but did you ever think that if she wanted you to treat her well, she should have treated you well?  We reap what we sow, according to Galatians 6:7-9.  Your mother is no exception.  If you can’t make yourself buy her an overly sweet, sentimental card & a fancy gift, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad daughter- it means she is reaping what she has sown.  How can sowing seeds of name calling, ridicule, mind games or physical or sexual abuse create a harvest of love, deep respect & the desire to praise?  That’s like planting green beans & expecting a harvest of apples!

Take care of yourself, Dear Readers, & don’t forget to be good to yourself tomorrow!  Whether or not you have children, chances are you mother someone.  A niece, nephew, a friend or neighbor’s child or even pets like me.  Do something nice for YOU!  Tomorrow & every day.  ❤

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism