What Happens To Adults Whose Parents Put Too Much Responsibility On Them As Children

Many abusive parents put too much responsibility &/or inappropriate responsibility on the shoulders of their children. Sadly children in these situations are often oblivious to just how wrong this is.  They feel responsible for their parents, even when they become adults.  They may feel anger at their parents periodically, but that anger is quickly pushed away as the feeling of responsibility takes over.  If this describes your situation, today’s post is for you.

Are you the one who takes care of everyone in your relationships?  Somehow you end up taking care of others with whom you are in a relationship.  You bend over backwards for them, giving them too much of your time & energy while receiving little or nothing in return.  This behavior comes from being forced into an adult role as a child.  It programmed you to be a caregiver in your relationships, lacking healthy boundaries.

Are you afraid to tell people you are in relationship with no?  Are you willing to compromise or give too much of yourself to appease others rather than risk upsetting people?  This survival skill stems from childhood.  It comes lacking the choice to say no as a child, from having to please your parents to prevent them from abusing you & to get them to meet your needs.

Do you continually find yourself in relationships with friends or romantic partners who are toxic & demanding?  This happens often with people who were abused as children.  They don’t know what it is like to have someone treat them well.  They naturally gravitate to toxic people because their behavior is familiar.

As you grew up, did you rush into traditional landmarks of growing up, avoid them or some combination of both?  For example, maybe you couldn’t wait to get your driver’s license & got it as soon as you legally could, yet didn’t move out of your parents’ home at an appropriate age.

Do you feel excessively protective of your parent?  If someone says something about them that is less than positive, are you quick to jump to your parent’s defense without even considering that maybe there is some truth in what this person said?  Or, if your parents have disagreements, are you quick to take the side of one parent over the other?

If any of these describe you, you probably were a victim of parentification.

Parentification is common with narcissistic parents.  It describes the situation where parents treat their children as their partners & caregivers instead of children.  They force their children into this role, which causes them to accept not only too much responsibility for a child to bear, but completely inappropriate responsibility.  The result of such behavior causes this abused child to have very skewed views of their roles in relationships.  They often become caregivers for the people with whom they are in relationships.  They can go in the other direction as well, refusing to do for others because, although they don’t realize it, they are burned out on taking care of people because of their parent.  Other people’s needs feel incredibly burdensome to them, so they quickly feel suffocated.  Either way, their relationships in adulthood are far from healthy.

If this describes you, then I would urge you today to learn all you can about parentification.  It also is known as parentalization, emotional incest & covert incest.  I’ve written a book on the topic, & it’s available on my website, http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com. The more you learn, the better your chances of breaking free of the bad patterns your parent taught you.  Also, learn about healthy boundaries & what healthy relationships are truly like.

Most of all, I recommend you turn to God.  Ask Him to show you the truth & to help you to be healthier.  He will be more than happy to help you & He won’t let you down!

You Are Not Responsible For How People Feel About You

As the adult child of a narcissist, I can’t count how many times I have felt overly responsible for other people in so many ways.  One of those ways was how people feel about me.

If I met someone who didn’t like me, I felt it was my responsibility to change so they could like me.  If someone felt envious of something about me, I had to downplay that thing they viewed that way.  If they felt I was a snob, I had to prove to them that isn’t the case, & I am just quiet.  If they thought something was wrong with me because I love my cats & old cars, that too had to be trivialized around them to make them feel better about me.  And honestly, it got old.

As I healed more & learned more about people, not only narcissists, I realized something.  How someone feels about me isn’t my responsibility.

People are often quick to judge others they have just met.  I do it myself.  Upon first meeting someone new, I pick up on someone’s energy & the subtle cues they display quickly & that determines if I am willing to speak to them more or not.  Unfortunately mistakes can be made with snap judgments.  As I mentioned earlier, people have thought I’m a snob because I’m quiet.  My one sister in-law told my husband this many years ago, & she was far from the first one to make such a foolish assumption about me.  And interestingly, she also wasn’t the only one who behaved in the manner in which she accused me of behaving. 

When people make judgments about other people, often they can do as my sister in-law did, & project their flaws onto another person.  Narcissists haven’t cornered the market on projection, although they definitely do it more often than the general public.  The average person will do it too sometimes, & their projection makes them feel negatively about the victim of their projection.

Insecurity is also a reason people may feel negatively towards a person.  Their insecurity makes them feel threatened or badly about themselves.  If you are someone in a minimum wage job who dropped out of high school, for example, imagine how you would feel around a biochemist.  Clearly they make a lot more money than you & have a much more advanced education.  You easily could feel inferior.  Most people would be uncomfortable in this situation but wouldn’t act out on their feelings.  Some insecure people however, wouldn’t hesitate to let the biochemist know they dislike him or her, are unimpressed with their intelligence, etc.

Along the lines of insecurity is envy.  Envy can make a person feel badly about themselves, & wish to make the person who made them envious feel just as badly.  Women in particular are known for doing this.  Some women see another woman that they believe is much prettier than them, & they will talk negatively about her behind her back.  Their envy makes them behave badly.

No matter what someone’s reasoning for their negative perceptions of you, their perceptions are just that – theirs!  They chose to see you a certain way & not learn the truth.  A person who is unwilling to learn the truth about another clearly has issues, & those issues have nothing to do with you.  So the next time you find out someone thinks badly about you, just remember that you are NOT responsible for how other people feel about you.

Things People Wrongly Say Are Victims’ Responsibility

Something came to mind lately that I think many of you who follow my work can relate to.

Years back, I posted something on Facebook. My husband & I had a minor disagreement & I was angry. As a result, our cats were acting up badly. Cat owners know this can be normal. Cats are very in tune with their humans & when we’re upset, they’re upset. I asked if any of my fellow cat parents knew of a way to calm the cats down since there was no need for them to be upset. An aunt & a cousin both told me I needed to make up with my husband. That would calm the cats down. Immediately I was angry.

These people knew nothing about our disagreement, but naturally felt it was my responsibility to make things right. Not my husband’s. Not up to us to work things out together. All responsibility was mine, according to them. This isn’t an isolated incident either. This same aunt once told me I needed therapy to figure out how to fix the relationship with my parents. Another aunt once chewed me out for not watching football with my husband. He likes it so I should watch it with him even though I absolutely hate sports. Yet, not once did she ever tell him he should get into some interest of mine.

If you’ve been through narcissistic abuse, I would guess these scenarios sound somewhat familiar to you.

People seem to think that victims have a lot of responsibility, & not all of it should be on a victim’s shoulders.  Not making an abuser angry so they don’t abuse their victim is one example that comes to mind.  How many people tell wives or children of men who beat them to just stay out of his way so he won’t hit them?  Obviously that is very wrong.  What isn’t as recognized as equally wrong is making victims feel as if they are responsible for making the relationships in their lives work.  Whether the other person in the relationship is abusive or not, this is simply wrong, yet many people, including victims, accept this without question.

When someone is in a relationship with an abuser, telling them to fix the problems in the relationship is not only a stupid suggestion but impossible.  No one person can fix a relationship.  It takes two people working together.  Plus, abusers have no interest in fixing anything.  Being abusive gets them what they want, so they have no desire to change anything.

Making someone feel responsible for how happy a relationship is or is not also can be a sign of a narcissist.  Think about it- narcissists do everything they can to convince victims they are the real problem in the relationship.  They also make sure their victims know they are responsible for the narcissist’s happiness.  If they can make a person who isn’t their victim feel they are the problem & they need to make a relationship better, this must encourage them.  It shows them they can do this & probably even proves to them that this is how things are.  One person should be solely responsible for a relationship. 

If you are in this position & someone has told you that you need to make changes to improve or even fix a relationship, please know that they are absolutely wrong!  Galatians 6:5 says that each person should carry their own load.  In other words, each person has things for which they are responsible.  One person isn’t responsible for an entire relationship! 

If you aren’t familiar with boundaries, it’s time to be.  I created a free book study based on Dr.s Cloud’s & Townsend’s book “Boundaries”.  It’s available on my website.  Even if you aren’t interested in the book study, then please read the book!  I found the information in it & the other books in the series to be life changing.  I believe they can help anyone with weak or even non existent boundaries.

Also, never forget to pray.  God is more than happy to help His children however they need help, so let Him!  Ask Him if things are your responsibility or not.  Ask for help on knowing what to do or not to do in your relationships.  He gladly will teach you whatever you need to know. 

How To Cope When Narcissists Shift The Blame To You

Do People Think You Need To Do All Of The Work In Relationships?

I’ve noticed a common thread among those who have been through narcissistic abuse.  We’re the ones people seem to think need to put all of the work & make all of the concessions in relationships.

 

So many others I’ve spoken to who have been raised by at least one narcissistic parent have heard the same things by at least a few people: “You need to fix things with your mother (or father or both)!”  “She (or he or they) won’t be around forever!  You need to make things right with your mother (or father or parents)!”  “You should see a counselor.  Maybe he could help you figure out what you’re doing wrong”

 

I’ve heard those things & more myself:

• When my first marriage was falling apart, I was told I needed to make it work or I needed to change to fix things.
• When having problems with my in-laws, some people said I needed to make changes so we got along better.  Be the bigger person & forgive & forget, etc., don’t take the constant insults personally, & (this may be my personal least favorite one) if I didn’t have anything to hide, it shouldn’t bother me my mother in-law snooped through my purse at every opportunity.
• I mentioned to someone that my husband watches some sports, & when he does, I go into another room, find something else to do or go out.  Her response was to scold me, telling me I needed to start watching sports with him in spite of my lifelong intense hatred of sports other than Nascar, drag racing & demolition derbies.  Interestingly, she never told my husband he needs to learn to do things I enjoy, like crocheting.  I was the one who was supposed to change, according to this person.  (Just FYI- although I hate sports, I did start watching Nascar races because my husband was into it, & it turns out I enjoyed it.  I’m all for trying something new for the sake of your spouse.)
• When in marriage counseling, we were having money problems.  The counselor told me what I needed to do to earn extra money.  No suggestions were given to my husband, even though at the time, he was the one in charge of our finances.

 

Do these scenarios sound familiar to you?  If so, doesn’t this get under your skin?!  It sure does me!

 

I’ve wondered why this happens to so many of us.  So many people behave exactly the same way!  So what’s behind it?  I have some theories…

 

Relating to our narcissistic parents only, some people are truly blessed with great parents.  In fact, they can’t even fathom a parent who would mistreat, let alone abuse a child.  Narcissistic abuse can be hard to wrap your mind around- I still have trouble with it sometimes & I lived it!  Maybe these people have an even harder time doing so because they came from such a loving home.

 

People who know our narcissistic parents probably believe the lies they are told about us.  After all, narcissists are notoriously good actors & liars- it’s hard not to believe their stories, sometimes even after you’ve seen the truth.  Chances are, these people are told we’re the problem.  If they believe the lies, then naturally they’ll think we need to do all of the work with our relationship with our parents.  If we’ve been so bad to them, we need to make it up to them.  It’s only fair, right??

 

They also most likely have seen us serving or catering to our narcissistic parents, & blindly go along with our parents’ attitude that it’s up to us to do for them.  This could include fixing any problems in the relationship.

 

For those who don’t necessarily know our narcissistic parents, they probably pick up on us as the damaged people we are.  The people who believe that we’re always wrong & we need to fix things because that is what our narcissistic parents instilled in us when we were very young.  Even as we heal, that “vibe” can still be there for a long time, & people pick up on it.  In fact, when people treat us as if it’s our job to fix something, we may automatically do so just because it’s such a deeply ingrained habit.  This reinforces the belief that fixing things is our responsibility.

 

Or, if people don’t pick up on that “fixing vibe”, they may see you as a very responsible, mature person & the other person in the relationship as immature or irresponsible.  They figure since the immature, irresponsible person won’t do what is necessary to fix things, the mature & responsible one will, so they push that person to do all of the work.  The mature one should be the “bigger person” since the other person is incapable (or so they believe) of behaving properly.

 

I don’t know if these things are completely accurate, as I’ve never read anything on this topic before.  They’re just some random thoughts that popped into my mind, & I thought I’d share them since other people have mentioned this being an issue in their lives as well.

 

Remember though, Dear Reader, it’s not always your job to fix problems!  Sure, fix what you can.  If you’ve made mistakes or hurt others, do what you can to make things right.  But, you do NOT need to do all of the work in relationships, & don’t let anyone pressure you into believing that nonsense!  One person cannot make a relationship work- it’s impossible!  It takes two people to make a relationship work, no matter the nature of the relationship.

 

 

 

 

Being Too Responsible

One thing that is very common among those who have experienced narcissistic abuse at the hands of a parent is an extremely overdeveloped sense of responsibility.

Narcissistic parents are extremely demanding of their children.  They expect their child to please them, no matter what. The child must take care of the narcissistic mother emotionally (emotional  incest).  The child must anticipate her narcissistic mother’s every whim, preferably even before she knows she has the whim, & meet it perfectly.  If she doesn’t, the mother believes she has every right to rage at her child.  This scenario makes the child extremely responsible.  Not only for her narcissistic mother, but for anyone in her life.

Thank God for helping me, because I was absolutely terrible in this area.  If someone was upset & I knew it, I thought it was my responsibility to make that person happy.  If the person  had a need or want, it was my responsibility to meet it, even if they could take care of it themselves.  This was an awful way to live.  So much pressure!  I thank God for getting me away from that.

Learning about boundaries is what helped me the most.  Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend’s book “Boundaries” literally changed my life.  Boundaries show you where you end & others begin, which helps you to know what you are & are not responsible for.  Once you know that information, you realize it is truly NOT your responsibility to do certain things.  It takes a great deal of the burden off of you.

Leaning on God is a tremendous help too.  Ask Him to show you what to do, then wait for the knowledge that you should or should not help that person & how to go about it.  He truly will guide you & enable you not to feel guilty if He doesn’t want you to help someone for whatever reason.  God does not want you to suffer with feeling you have to fix everyone.

Are You Too Responsible?

The other day, I went out with an old friend for an afternoon of lunch & shopping.  It was a perfectly lovely day full of lots of fun & laughs.

 

For a normal person, this would be all there is to the story.  I, however, am not normal, thanks to C-PTSD.

 

Driving to my friend’s home was nerve wracking.  I was unable to drive much for about 18 months for various reasons, then add in the concussion I endured last February  that has warped some of my perception, & I feel like I’m learning to drive all over again.  Plus, being out in public makes me anxious, thanks to the agoraphobia.  I also don’t do change in my regular routine well.  And, the concussion made my already high anxiety levels worse & harder to control.  All of these factors made my anxiety level really, really high.

 

After getting home, my husband asked how the afternoon went, & I told him all about it, including my awful anxiety.  He told me he was proud of me for not only doing this but managing to enjoy myself in spite of the anxiety.  I should have said “thank you” & gone on with my day, but ohhh noooo.  I said, “I just did what anyone can do- I’m just the one stupid enough to have problems doing it.”

 

Ouch.

 

I realized two things as soon as I said those words…

 

1. I blame myself for way too much that is beyond my control.
2. I really don’t talk nicely to myself.  In fact, I’m downright verbally abusive.

 

These issues need addressing, & I’m sure if I need to address them, other adult children of narcissistic parents do as well.  So in this post, we’ll address self blame & the next one, how to talk to oneself.

 

Growing up with my narcissistic parents, I learned that I was responsible for pretty much everything.  When my parents would fight, if I wasn’t in the same room, sometimes they would come into the room where I was so I could stop the fight.  Both would talk to me about the other & the problems in their marriage (they still do today & I try to avoid it).  If I had any problems with a friend, my mother always told me “to have a friend, you have to be one.”  Basically she meant I wasn’t doing enough to make the friendship work.  It was all my responsibility & the other person had zero responsibility.  I was solely responsible for my grades in school- I wasn’t reminded to do my homework & not helped study once I got out of elementary school.

 

God showed me that being so overly responsible for pretty much everything led to me believing that if something is wrong, it’s my fault.  I feel that I should’ve done something to prevent that, I should fix the damage, etc.

 

Plus my mother openly blames me for things that are beyond my control.  For example, a few years ago, I got the flu 3 times in one winter.  It’s never happened before or since.  I assume it was because I was so stressed that winter that my immune system was very compromised.  My mother, however, said I deserved it because I didn’t get a flu shot.  A little over a year ago, I was helping my husband split wood with the wood splitter.  A large log slipped from his grip, landing on & breaking my big toe.  I tried to move but wasn’t fast enough.  My mother said it was my fault for not being more careful.

 

Such abusive behavior towards me cemented the false belief in me that most things are my fault, even things beyond my control.  Yesterday was proof of that.

 

I realized just how ridiculous this is.  Not one thing about my anxiety being so bad was my fault, & I need to not take responsibility for it.  So many other things aren’t my fault either that I have taken responsibility for.

 

Does this sound familiar to you?  If so, it’s time for you to make changes too!

 

Since this is new territory for me I’m honestly not entirely sure how to go about it.  I have some ideas that I believe should work though..

 

I plan to ask God to help me have a more appropriate sense of responsibility.  Call my attention to blaming myself when it’s not my fault.  Help me to assign blame to the one who is really responsible.

 

If I catch myself blaming myself, I think it’s a good idea to ask God if this is truly my fault.  Should I accept responsibility for it or not?  If not, please help me to shake feeling responsible for it.

 

And, when my mother (or anyone really) starts blaming me for something I know isn’t my fault, I will refuse to accept that blame.  Whether that means standing up to the person or simply telling myself that I’m not to blame or both, I need to do it.

 

I hope these suggestions help you, Dear Reader.  If you have any others, I’d love to hear them.  Feel free to write in the comments or email me privately at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Aren’t The Problem

Growing up with a narcissistic mother, you believe that you are the problem in the toxic relationship.  She blames you for everything & takes no responsibility for anything she has done to you.  On the off chance she admits to doing something bad to you, she blames you for making her do it.

As an adult, you are told, by her or others, that you are the one who needs to make amends with her, find a way to get along with her, or even that you have “a victim mentality,” which only further embeds the belief in you that the problems with your mother are all your fault.  (Isn’t it interesting how no one tells your narcissistic mother she needs to behave herself, work things out with you or that she is abusive?)

I would like to challenge you today to look at this situation differently.  As a child, your mother was the adult.  This means she was supposedly the more mature & wiser of the two of you.  She should have known better than to treat you so poorly.  Also, she knew then & still knows that her actions are wrong, otherwise she would behave the same way in public as she does in private.

Keeping those things in mind, please answer this for me- how is it your responsibility to improve the relationship with your mother?  In fact, how is it even possible to improve a relationship with a narcissist?  And, how is it your fault that your mother has abused you?

I know it is painful when people so thoughtlessly tell you to fix things with your mother instead of offering support & understanding.  I’ve been in that position more times than I can count.  So when they say something like this, I want you to remember that you aren’t the problem in the relationship, your mother is.  Any person who can abuse her own child for that child’s entire life is the problem. Any person who constantly puts her own needs & wants, no matter how trivial, above the welfare of others but especially her own child is the problem.  Any person who chooses to treat others as if they aren’t allowed to have their own feelings, needs, opinions, wants is the problem.  Any person who refuses to accept responsibility for her hurtful actions & blames others for them is the problem.

Dear Reader, just try to remember these things when someone insensitively tells you that you are the problem or that you need to work things out with your mother.  You are not the problem- she is!