The last few days, my C-PTSD has been flaring up. I’m not entirely sure why. I’ve been especially moody, anxious, depressed, & having more nightmares than usual. Then last night, I had a very odd experience.
My husband & I were lying in bed, watching tv. He was starting to nod off, & I was relaxed, hoping to go to sleep soon, when suddenly I smelled coconut. Immediately, an ex boyfriend of mine came to mind, as he used coconut scented air freshener in his car & I felt extremely anxious, almost to the point of having a panic attack.
A little background on this boyfriend.. I dated him in 1990, when I was 19 & he was 28. I wasn’t in love with him, yet he told me I would marry him (no proposal, just a command) & we’d have lots of kids (another command). He was controlling, jealous & angered easily. I was not happy in this relationship at all & spent most of our short time together anxious, miserable & trying to avoid his anger. The night I broke up with him, he spend hours screaming at me, telling me how stupid I was, how great he was & how much I’d regret leaving him. Fast forward to January, 2014. I read on my county police’s facebook page that he shot & killed his boyfriend, then himself. I had no clue he was gay or capable of murder. It was very traumatic when I realized the kind of person he was & how utterly clueless I was to that. Even looking back, I don’t recall any signs of him being gay or that dangerous.
So back to last night…
As I lay there, smelling coconut, it quickly turned into an actual emotional flashback. I felt like I was 19 again, back in his home & full of anxiety. No specific event played out in the flashback, only the awful emotions that were a daily part of our relationship. Eventually it passed & I was fine, just tired & emotionally drained. I went to sleep a little while after this.
This morning I prayed about it & the term “sensory flashback” popped into my mind. I did some research online & found very few details. At least what I found was somewhat helpful. Sensory flashbacks involve the senses, such as feeling someone is touching you when no one is. They are not very different than the typical type of flashback in that you feel like you’re reliving a traumatic experience. Last night, I had a hard time telling reality from flashback, just like during a typical flashback.
Dealing with a sensory flashback seems to be about the same as dealing with other flashbacks. You need to ground yourself- touch something, smell something, taste something. Something that is strong to the senses helps to keep you grounded- hold an ice cube, smell lavender, taste a little lemon juice. Something that basically “assaults” your senses will help you to stay grounded.
Focus on deep, slow breaths to help you to avoid hyperventilating.
If this happens while you are away from home, try to find somewhere safe to work through it.
Don’t beat yourself up for this. Many people have flashbacks. It happens sometimes when exposed to trauma.
Be understanding & gentle with yourself. Flashbacks can leave you feeling very tired & drained for a couple of days.