Tag Archives: sex

Signs Of Narcissism In Romantic Partners

I recently caught an episode of the true crime show “Evil Lives Here” on the ID channel.  The episode was an interview with Debra, the ex wife of The Truck Stop Killer, Robert Rhoades.  He is suspected of raping & murdering over 50 women from the mid 1970’s to 1990.

His ex wife mentioned how he was very particular about how she dressed & would tell her what to wear.  She told the story of how one night he told her to wear a particularly sexy outfit so they could go to dinner.  He failed to mention it was at a swinger’s club.  He continually pushed the swinging issue even though from that night at the club she told him that wasn’t an option.  He told her she was immature & “No other woman would feel this way” about it.

Her story horrified me because that is almost exactly how things were with my ex husband.  He wanted me to look & dress a certain way.  He also wanted me to participate in some sexual activities that I refused to do, then told me that “no other woman would feel that way about these things.”  I also remembered how at the time of our separation, he was becoming quite fascinated with weapons & there were signs he had a real potential for violence.  This made me thank God for getting me away from him safely!

This also made me think of the signs that a romantic partner is dangerous that he displayed.  No doubt other narcissists display those same signs, so I thought I would share some of them today.

In the beginning, things are good, then suddenly they aren’t.  In or out of the bedroom, the person you’re involved with wants to please you.  Then suddenly, they lose interest in working so hard to please you.  No explanation or evidence of why, they simply stop.

When the narcissist stops wanting to please you, & you ask what changed, they act like (or say) you’re imagining things or you’re crazy.  They claim they haven’t changed, so since you think they have, obviously something is wrong with you.  This obviously makes you very confused & willing to do what you can to please them so hopefully they’ll want to be that great person they were at first.

The narcissist wants you to look a certain way when you have sex.  Many people want their partners to wear sexy lingerie, which naturally isn’t terribly uncommon.  What is uncommon is how some narcissists pretty much demand it.

The more time progresses, the more unusual the sexual proclivities of the narcissist become.  At first, the sex is pretty normal.  Nothing really kinky.  Then little by little, they try introducing new & more deviant things.  The desire to have sex more often happens as they become more interested in these more deviant behaviors.

When you refuse to participate in the desired activities, the narcissist shames you.  As I mentioned earlier, my ex would tell me that no other woman in the world would feel about doing what he wanted to do as I did.  They also may call you immature, oversensitive, close minded & more.

If the activity causes you physical pain or risks your health, the narcissist won’t care.  Since all that matters to a narcissist is what they want, if their desire causes you physical pain or puts your health at risk, that won’t matter.

No is never an option.  If you’re sick, tired or simply not in the mood, that won’t be important to a narcissist.  They want what they want, when they want it, & nothing else matters.  I remember my ex punching walls when I was sick & told him I wasn’t in the mood.

Forcing sex isn’t too low for a narcissist.  After all, what narcissists want is all that matters to them, so they have no trouble using physical force, manipulation or guilt to get whatever they want.

If your partner exhibits such behaviors, these are big red flags!  Please protect yourself & get away from this person as soon as you possibly can!  You deserve to be treated better than this & to be safe!

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Filed under Mental Health, Narcissism

Withholding Intimacy In Marriage

Kinda along the lines of my last post about marital rape…

 

Another way narcissists can abuse their partners is by withholding intimacy.  Although this is commonly thought to be something only women do, men do it as well.

 

Withholding sex can be as emotionally damaging as forcing it, but in different ways.  Withholding can make a person question & doubt herself.  She thinks things like she isn’t attractive or desirable or even thinks she is disgusting in some way, which is why her partner refuses to make love to her.  This particularly cruel type of rejection is devastating to the self-esteem, & a person with low self-esteem is easy for an abuser to control.  Low self-esteem means a person will tolerate a lot of abuse from her partner, & for a long time.  She does not think anyone else would have her, so why leave?

 

Sex also can be used as manipulation.  An abuser may promise sex if his partner does something else he wants, & the partner, wanting sex, will do whatever the abuser asks.

 

It also can be used as a punishment.  For example, if you do something your partner didn’t want you to do, he may refuse to have sex with you for weeks or even months

 

If you are experiencing these things with your spouse, they are abusive!  Don’t doubt that for a moment!

 

Also don’t doubt yourself.  I know it’s hard, but the way you feel is wrong!  You aren’t unworthy of your partner’s love- your partner is being abusive, & that is no reflection on you whatsoever.  Talk to God about how you feel, & ask Him to tell you the truth about who you are.  I also have some affirmations on my website that may help you.  They are available at the following link:  http://cynthiabaileyrug.com/Positive-Affirmations.php

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Rape In Marriage

**Obviously this post is about a sensitive topic.  If you have been sexually assaulted, this may be triggering for you.**

A topic rarely discussed yet is a huge problem is marital rape.  It’s certainly an ugly topic, & it definitely makes people uncomfortable.  Many people don’t even believe it’s a real thing, because they wrongly think if you’re married, your spouse can’t rape you.  Unfortunately marital rape also is a common phenomenon, especially among those married to narcissists.

Narcissists are the ultimate in selfishness, as anyone with any experience with one knows.  They expect everything to be their way, including sex.  Some narcissists use physical threats & violence to take what they want, others use guilt or shaming.

When a narcissistic spouse uses guilt or shaming to fulfill his sexual desires, this often goes unrecognized as abusive by the victim.  The problem is, it’s still as abusive as if he’d held a gun to your head.  It doesn’t matter if he’s your husband- no one should force you to have sex through either physical force or by using mind games!

The legal definition of rape means forced sexual contact against someone’s will.  It doesn’t say it only happens between strangers or only when a lethal weapon is used.  Rape can happen between married people, & does every day.  Rape often happens because the weapon of choice was a husband telling his wife, “If you loved me you would do this for me” even knowing it will cause her physical &/or emotional pain, yet not caring about that.  I have been in that position as well as having certain activities forced on me & both are incredibly difficult to cope with.

Some folks may even quote the Bible regarding this topic, but often it is taken completely out of context.  The first part of 1 Corinthians 7:4 says, ” The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband…”  (NIV)  The verse actually doesn’t end there, however.  And, the first 7 verses of this chapter in the Amplified translation clearly explain the point the apostle Paul was making: Now as to the matters of which you wrote: It is good (beneficial, advantageous) for a man not to touch a woman [outside marriage]. But because of [the temptation to participate in] sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his [marital] duty to his wife [with good will and kindness], and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have [exclusive] authority over her own body, but the husband shares with her; and likewise the husband does not have [exclusive] authority over his body, but the wife shares with him. Do not deprive each other [of marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves [unhindered] to prayer, but come together again so that Satan will not tempt you [to sin] because of your lack of self-control. But I am saying this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all the people were as I am; but each person has his own gift from God, one of this kind and one of that.” (AMP)  Obviously, rape is NOT God’s will.  These verses prove sex is God’s will to be a part in a loving marriage.

Sex isn’t supposed to hurt either physically or emotionally.  It isn’t supposed to be one sided or forced or something that forces someone to compromise one’s values.  It’s supposed to be two people who love each other giving & receiving pleasure & joy.  If only one person is enjoying it while the other person is miserable, that is wrong & abusive!

If you’re married to a narcissist, & this is happening to you, I’m sorry.  Rape is a horrible, horrible thing.  When done to you by someone who is supposed to love, cherish & protect you, it may be even worse than when done by a stranger because now you also have to deal with the feelings of betrayal.

If at all possible, please, PLEASE get away from your abusive spouse!  (If you’ve read my writing for any length of time, you know I don’t like to tell people “just go no contact” since I believe it’s an individual’s choice.  So, if I’m recommending getting away from a narcissist, it’s because I firmly believe it’s the wisest thing to do for your own safety!)  Look into marital rape laws in your area & press charges.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Narcissism

Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse & Rape

As victims of narcissistic abuse, we are raised never to make waves.  That includes never upsetting the narcissistic parent.  It doesn’t matter what that narcissist does to you, you are NOT allowed to confront her about her abusive behavior.  If you do, you’re a terrible & unreasonable person.  At least according to the narcissist.

 

Unfortunately, this carries over into other abusive relationships & situations, including rape.

 

It seems to me it’s fairly common for adult children of narcissists to make excuses for being raped, especially if it’s by a boyfriend or husband.  “Well, he was drunk.”  “I wasn’t in the mood, but he was, so it’s not a big deal.”  “It’s not like he held a gun to my head.  He’s my husband & I owe it to him.”  We also seldom call these abusers out on their awful behavior.

 

Maybe we behave this way simply from habit.  Or, maybe we behave this way because we don’t believe we deserve to be treated better.  Whatever the case, it is very wrong & needs to change.

 

Rape is a terrible thing, but possibly it’s even worse when done by an intimate partner.  Our husbands are people we know & love, share secrets & dreams with, possibly even share children with.  When that special person rapes you, it destroys your trust in him.  That affects every area of your marriage.  It can destroy the love you once felt for your husband.  It also can leave you depressed, anxious, with eating or sleep problems.

 

Also, marital rape doesn’t always mean your husband held a gun to your head & forced you to have sex.  He may not even use force at all.  Coercion & guilt tactics designed to make you give in are extremely common, yet are seldom considered weapons used in marital rape.  Personally, I believe them to be very effective ones weapons, especially for those of us who survived narcissistic abuse & are prone to feeling guilty easily.  I also believe them to be the most commonly used weapons of husbands & boyfriends who rape.

 

And, force is often used not only to get sex, but to get the victim to do certain sexual acts that she doesn’t want to do.  Forcing someone to do sexual acts they are not comfortable doing or that are painful is rape!  Rape is defined as forcible sexual relations against someone’s will.  If your partner forces you to perform oral or anal sex in spite of your protests, that is rape.  I realize these are very common scenarios in relationships.  So common, in fact, I don’t think many people, male or female, consider it rape when a man forces a woman to perform such behaviors against her will.  That doesn’t mean it is OK though!  Believe me, I’ve been there.  I’ve been forced against my will to receive anal sex many times, in spite of my many protests.  Just because it was by someone I was married to did not make it OK!  In fact, it made our marriage worse by destroying any trust I felt for him.  I also shut down emotionally with him.

 

If you’re being raped by your intimate partner, please know you do NOT have to do that any longer!  Calling an abuser out on their behavior goes against everything in you after surviving narcissistic abuse, but you can change that about yourself!  You should change this about yourself because you do not deserve to be treated this way!

 

Prayer is always the best place to start.  Ask God to help you do whatever it is you need to do in this situation & to help your husband to see the error of his ways.

 

You must realize that this is not God’s will.  It’s not Godly for a man to rape his wife.  People may quote 1 Corinthians 7:5 ( “Do not deprive each other [of marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves [unhindered] to prayer, but come together again so that Satan will not tempt you [to sin] because of your lack of self-control.” (AMP) ) or Ephesians 5:22 (“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ” (NIV) ) to women whose husbands have raped them.  This only serves to confuse the wife & make her feel as if she has no rights.  This is NOT God’s plan for marriage!  Sex is never supposed to be a weapon or cause emotional or physical pain!  Husbands are supposed to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:23).  A man who loves his wife that way would never rape his wife or purposely hurt her in any other way.

 

Also, I believe it is perfectly acceptable to speak up to your husband about this important matter.  Yes, wives are to submit to our husbands, but in the face of sinful, abusive behavior, I honestly don’t see why God would object to confronting him.  I haven’t seen anything in the Bible that says wives cannot speak up to their husbands when they are behaving in an ungodly manner.

 

If you need medical attention, & you tell the hospital staff what happened, the police may become involved, whether you want them to be or not.  Just be prepared for that.

 

If you opt to leave your husband, prepare to the best of your ability.  Have a safe place to go that he doesn’t know where it is.  Save as much money as possible before leaving.  And, don’t underestimate him.  Abusers can be extremely devious & cruel.

 

Always remember,  Dear Reader- God loves you so much.  He doesn’t want you to be abused.  He wants you to be loved & treated like the treasure He believes you are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism