Victims of narcissistic abuse are shamed for being angry. It seems if we show any signs of being less than happy about the abuse we endured, people tell us that we’re too negative, wallowing in the past, bitter, not letting things go as we should & more. For Christians who are in this position, we often get added shaming relating to our faith. We are lectured on how we should forgive, be Christ-like, labeled as a fake or bad Christians & other false & hurtful accusations.
We also are expected to show undeniable evidence of the abuse we suffered. When we can’t produce evidence of the soul destroying gaslighting & verbal abuse the narcissist in our lives inflicted upon us, we are accused of being angry with the abuser so we made things up as a way to make that person look bad.
You know something? Victims of narcissistic abuse ARE angry, & rightfully so! No one should treat anyone as we have been treated. No one should push another person so deep into depression that they lose all hope. No one should destroy another person’s identity, self esteem & sometimes even faith in God. Yet, we have experienced all of these things & much more at the hands of narcissists. We also have experienced betrayal & abandonment by people who should have been there for us, seen people we thought loved us support our abuser & more. So yes, we are angry!
Do you know what doesn’t help this anger? Being shamed for feeling what any normal human being would feel under the circumstances.
I know it can be hard but please, do NOT accept the shaming messages!
People who treat victims this way clearly have their own issues. Normal people have no desire to hurt others. Even if they don’t understand what you have experienced, they won’t try to shame you for feeling what you do or minimize your trauma. Anyone who does such things is displaying a lack of empathy, which makes them a very unsafe person.
Some people who do this also have experienced similar trauma, & lack the courage to face it. Instead of facing it, they try to avoid all reminders of that trauma. If someone speaks of experiencing something similar to them, they often will say anything as an attempt to shut that person down. It’s a survival mechanism. If it hurts the other person, that isn’t their top priority- avoiding their pain is. The person in question may not be malicious with their intentions, but their behavior certainly is.
Yet other people are all about being positive, & not in a healthy way. Often they think it’s ungodly to be anything less than extremely positive. Being positive certainly isn’t a bad thing at all. When it is taken too far, however, that is a problem. There is nothing wrong with admitting that sometimes, things aren’t happy, positive or even good. Sometimes it’s ok, even healthy, to say things are bad. Refusing to accept that & claiming everything in life is nothing but rainbows & unicorns isn’t healthy. Don’t let the toxic positive people make you feel otherwise!
Whatever the reasoning behind someone acting as if your anger about narcissistic abuse is wrong, remember, that is their issue, not yours. Narcissistic abuse is cruel, devastating & utterly wrong. Everyone should be angry about it! Even Jesus got angry about injustices done to people, if you remember. If we are to be like Him, that means there is nothing wrong with being angry about injustices. Besides, not feeling anger about narcissistic abuse would normalize it. Narcissistic abuse would become an acceptable thing if people became numb to their anger about it, & that never should be!