Tag Archives: speak

Don’t Let Anyone Put You In A Box!

Have you ever noticed how people love to put other people in a box?  People don’t like to deal with topics outside of their comfort zone, so if you discuss those topics, you are told you’re too serious, too negative, too bitter,  dwelling in the past, etc.

 

I’ve experienced this quite a bit first hand.  When people find out what I blog & write about, many people feel free to open up to me about their own narcissistic mother or former spouse.  But many other people are immediately uncomfortable.  “You need to let that go.  I was hurt  by my parents, too, but I let it go.”  “Why don’t you focus on more positive things?”  “The past doesn’t have any bearing on who you are today, so why talk about it?”  Statements like this  are very frustrating, invalidating & hurtful!

 

People are so uncomfortable talking about abuse in any form!  Victims are supposed to forgive & forget, to understand that their abuser is a wounded person which is why he/she hurt you so you can’t be angry.  Victims are the ones who are supposed to do all the work- all of the forgiving & understanding, while the perpetrator gets off scott free.  No one confronts most abusers, especially narcissists.  Instead, many people insist on silencing the victims or denying abuse ever happened, especially if the abuser is a family member.

 

If you have been abused, I encourage you to talk about it!  Break the silence!  Talking about your story releases its power over you.  It also helps to raise awareness of the signs of abuse, & the symptoms of someone being abused.  Telling your story also encourages & helps others who are suffering in silence, possibly even giving them the courage to open up about their pain.

 

This is how I started to heal- talking on a message board & meeting other women who have experienced abusive mothers.  This lead to me healing & learning  more & more, & gaining strength.  Eventually, God graced me with the ability to speak openly about what I have experienced, which has helped quite a few other daughters of narcissistic mothers.  I now know that speaking about narcissistic abuse is what God wants me to do, to raise awareness of this insidious form of abuse & to help others heal.  So now when people tell me to be more positive, stopliving in the past, etc., although it may hurt a bit, I ignore them.  Writing about what I write about is a calling, & I am blessed to be able to help others with this calling.  🙂

 

Don’t let other people dictate what you talk about.  If you feel the need to share your story, then by all means, share it!  Blog about it, write a book, speak to groups, whatever you feel you need to do.  However, when you do, know it may be difficult.  Speaking about such intimate details, especially when you have been scared into secrecy is scary at first.  But remember- this is your story & you have every right to share it as much or as little as you wish.

 

If you are looking to share your story in order to heal only, which is a great first step, then I strongly encourage you to be wise with whom you share it.  Oddly, most people closest to us are also the ones who are the least supportive in these situations.  You may be better off finding a caring therapist, support group or even an online group.  I don’t understand why it is, but strangers who have experienced similar situations are often more validating than those closest to us.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

August 4, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers!  I hope this post finds you well today!

I’ve been working on my newest book, “You Are Not Alone!”  for daughters of abusive mothers.  It’s almost done!!  One final look over, then off to the publisher.  Then, I’ll make an ebook version.

Strange thing about this book.. I’ve had a hunch I’ll end up hearing some things I do NOT like to hear about this book, like, “You can’t keep holding onto the past..”  “Get over it”  “You can’t let this stuff get you down.”  Basically, the same invalidating things I’ve heard ever since I realized my mother was abusive.  I’ve already heard a few comments.

The truth is, I really don’t care what people think about me, especially when they are speaking out of pure ignorance.  Even so, it really is irritating to hear the same type of stupid & insensitive comments over & over again.  Why can’t people realize if they can’t say something nice, not to say anything at all??  

I write so much on the topic of surviving abuse because I believe it is what God wants me to do, at least at this time in my life.  He would not have let me go through all I have for no reason!  Helping others makes my lifetime of abuse count for something, & I know beyond a doubt I am helping others.  I have gotten plenty of emails telling me how much I have helped people.  

Also, just because I have Complex PTSD doesn’t mean I am “wallowing” in my pain, haven’t forgiven my mother for all she has done to me or am weak.  I have forgiven her.  I harbor no ill will towards her at all.  However, that still doesn’t heal the damage that has been done.  Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is unlike other types of mental disorders.  The traumatic events that caused C-PTSD actually physically damaged the brain.  Four areas are damaged- short term memory, language skills (finding the right words), emotional regulation & anxiety.  This is a medical fact & does not mean I am weak or “wallowing” in my past.  What it means is that I am damaged as a result of it- I reacted normally to an abnormal amount of trauma.

Whether you have been abused yourself or know someone who has been, please never, ever trivialize the experience!  Abuse is painful & life changing.  If you know someone who has been abused, think before speaking about this topic.  If you can’t say something nice or encouraging, don’t say anything at all!  

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health

May 19, 2013

The last week or so have been over the top negative & stressful to me.  As a result, I’ve had many panic attacks, haven’t slept much lately, had nightmares, etc etc.. 

Today, while my husband is out, I decided to relax & have some “me” time.  I sent prayer requests to a few Christian websites.  I then cranked up a folder of music on my mp3 player that I have titled “Songs That Make Me Happy.”  Yes, I listen to the same tunes over & over, but well, they make me happy!  I also took a nice, warm, relaxing shower followed by exfoliating my skin & applying a yummy lavender scented lotion.  The entire time, I prayed.  

No, it wasn’t an expensive or elaborate afternoon, but it made me feel better.  MUCH better.  

Partly why it made me feel better is the music.  I am not a fan of Christian or gospel music. I have nothing against it- just for some odd reason, it seldom “speaks” to me.  The cool part of that?  God still speaks to me through my taste in music.  Today, one of the songs I listened to was “That’s How They Do It In Dixie” by Hank Williams, Jr.  Listening to the song reminded me how I have lost myself & need to get back in touch with that Southern gal that lives inside me.  She is my true self- kinda rebellious, but a lady who while feminine will fight for what is right.  Another song was “455 Rocket”- about a gal with an Oldsmobile with a 455 cubic inch engine in it.  I happen to have one of those!  She raced hers, & I raced mine many times too (much to the dismay of the other guy!  lol).  It felt good remembering that.  I also am listening to several songs from the 80’s (when I was a teen) that remind me of when I was 19 in 1990 & had just moved out on my own for the first time.  It was the one time in my life I was actually able to be who I truly am- living my life on my own terms, not others’ terms.  

I’ve been “scolded” many times for not listening to more Christian music, but truth be told, I’m fine NOT listening to it.  God still speaks to me.  We’re still close.  Honestly.. if He was upset by this, I think He would have let me know it by now.  I just want those of you reading this now to know that God loves you & will relate to you however works.  He isn’t critical of that!  He invented all music (not just gospel & Christian songs), movies, books.. He will meet you where you are & loves you so much!

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Filed under Miscellaneous