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My books can be found at the link below:
Recently, God told me something fascinating. “To narcissists, fear plus obedience equals respect.” I thought this was fascinating & it made a lot of sense! Narcissists clearly have no grasp of what true respect really is. They also have no grasp of how to get respect. What they do to get their so called respect is nothing like what most people do.
Most people realize you can’t demand someone respect you, you have to earn their respect. Narcissists don’t think that way. My mother used to tell me, “I demand respect!” Didn’t work… I had very little respect for her.
Also, most people don’t try to force someone to do anything. They go on about their lives not trying to force someone to respect them. They instead do things that earn people’s respect such as helping the underprivileged or homeless. Narcissists don’t care about doing good deeds to earn respect. They believe that they’re entitled to it no matter what.
I also thought at first that this pertained only to overt narcissists. They have no problem yelling, cursing, demeaning, invalidating, intimidating & using physical force on a victim to get whatever they want. It can be easy for people to become intimidated by such things & become obedient to the narcissist.
As I thought about this, God said it goes for covert narcissists too. They may not be so obviously intimidating, but they truly can instill fear in their victims which makes them obedient. Their weapons are quieter, such as using guilt, shame, acting disappointed & the silent treatment, but they are effective nonetheless. That also made sense. A victim may not be afraid of a covert narcissist screaming at them or hitting them, but they do still fear the covert narcissist’s quiet wrath & will do about anything to avoid it. Fear & obedience.
I also wondered how narcissists know to do what they do. I mean, they’re not exactly insightful. Yet somehow they also know what to do to each unique victim to get what they want. How do they all know that fear & obedience will get them their so called respect? God answered that question too. He said the devil tells them things. Apparently he & his demons basically whisper things to them, & the messages are kind of like a subliminal message. These messages are spoken quietly & subtly, so narcissists think they are their own ideas. They’re also simple, along the lines of “If you scream at her, she will do what you want” rather than explaining more complicated details, such as fear & obedience equal respect.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that narcissists are helpless against the devil’s will. They aren’t, but they choose not to ignore him. Repeatedly doing the devil’s work has shut down their natural empathy & their willingness to listen to God. 2 Timothy 2:26 in the English Standard Version, it says, “and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.” Clearly, people can choose to reject doing the devil’s work.
I’m telling you this in order that you may understand what you’re dealing with regarding narcissists. You aren’t dealing merely with an obnoxious person when you deal with a narcissist. You’re dealing with an evil spirit wanting to hurt you. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.”
Remember what exactly you are dealing with, Dear Reader. Learn about spiritual warfare, & most importantly, stay close to your Heavenly Father. All you have to do is ask Him & He will gladly help you in any situation, including this one.
When most people think of an abusive person, they think of someone who is physically abusive, such as the man who beats his wife & children. Some may also think of a verbally abusive person, too. There is so much more to abuse than these two methods, however! Narcissists often use the following tactics, so it’s wise to be aware of them.
Forcing a person to do something they don’t want to do is abuse. This can include anything, such as following unreasonable rules, looking a certain way or even performing sexual acts. The forcing can be accomplished in many ways, like withholding money, using intimidation, guilt or shaming or simply telling the victim there is no choice in this matter.
An extremely possessive & jealous romantic partner is being abusive. Almost everyone has a little bit of possessiveness & jealousy in them, & that is normal. Being upset someone flirted with your spouse is bound to bring out that jealous streak. What is not normal in that situation is if someone becomes enraged at their spouse, accusing them of having an affair with the person who flirted with them or even resorting to physical violence. When your partner’s jealousy makes you afraid to speak with anyone your partner doesn’t approve of, this is a sign that their behavior is abusive.
Giving no privacy is abusive. Unless you have given someone a valid reason not to trust you, such as if you cheated on your spouse, there is no good reason for you not to have privacy in your relationships. It’s healthy for each person in a relationship, any relationship, to have a reasonable expectation of privacy. Each person should be able to trust that the other person won’t snoop through their emails, phone, purse, etc. Snooping makes a person feel guilty & paranoid about everything, even when they have no reason to feel that way. It’s a miserable way to live!
Isolation is abuse. If the other person you’re in a relationship with tries to keep you from seeing your friends & family, this is a huge red flag! Abusers of all kinds like to isolate their victims as a means of being able to control them. Isolation limits the information, help & support a victim can receive, which makes them easier to abuse.
Intimidation is also abuse. My ex husband used to punch walls sometimes when he was angry with me. He even told me that I was lucky he hit the wall instead of me, because that was what he wanted to do. Intimidation also can come in the form of someone telling you that they’ll tell everyone you know private things about you & that no one will want anything to do with you after they know those things.
Keeping you from accessing any money is abusive. Naturally parents don’t allow their children to access their bank accounts, but they also don’t restrict their children from working. They also don’t expect their children to give them most of their paycheck for rent. A spouse that refuses to add your name to bank accounts or credit cards, or prevents you from working is also being abusive.
Using religion to force you to behave as they want is abusive. Spiritual abuse seems to be on the rise. It can come from those in the church, spouses & even parents. Spiritual abuse is when someone tries to manipulate your behavior by twisting Scripture around to justify their abusing you or manipulating you into doing what they want. This is one more reason I believe it’s wise to have plenty of knowledge of the Bible. People who spiritually abuse can be quite convincing with what they have to say. The best way to combat this is to have knowledge of the Bible & a relationship with God.
Just remember, Dear Reader, anyone who shows these behaviors is being abusive. Don’t tell yourself it’s no big deal, it doesn’t mean anything or any other excuses. These behaviors are abusive & you have every right to protect yourself!
So many people I have spoken with were abused under the guise of Christianity. Parents abuse their children because they think Proverbs 13:24 basically saying, “Spare the rod, spoil the child” means parents have the right to beat their children. They are also often the same parents who claim their children aren’t honoring them by refusing to tolerate their abuse. There are also husbands who demand blind obedience from their wives because Ephesians 5:22 says wives should submit to their husbands. There are even those active in their church who abuse other church members. Some sexually abuse children, others ostracize other members for not fitting their ideal of what they should be & more.
There are so many things wrong with such situations!!
Personally I believe that as wrong as abuse is, when it is done using God as a justification or as a way to lure victims in, that somehow makes the abuse even worse. The person in this situation not only has the fallout of the abuse to deal with, but also is going to have a lot of spiritual damage as well. They may believe God doesn’t care about them or maybe that He simply doesn’t exist at all because what happened to them was so horrific. I felt the same way. My mother went through a phase when I was a teenager of telling me that she knew she was going to Heaven when she died because she was such a good person. I, however, was terrible to her so I was destined for Hell. I thought no God could exist & let me go through what I was going through, but if He did, I clearly wanted no part of Him if that was truly how He was.
Also, it seems to me when people twist Scripture around, if you look at the Bible, somewhere there is at least one nearby verse that clearly proves their interpretation is wrong. Look at Ephesians 5:22 for a second. Yes, it does say that wives should submit to their husbands. It also says in the verse immediately before that a couple should submit to each other. It clearly isn’t one sided, but you won’t hear an abusive husband mention Ephesians 5:21. The same goes for abusive parents who claim their children aren’t honoring them. The Bible also mentions in Ephesians 6:4 & Colossians 3:21 that parents shouldn’t provoke their children.
Truly toxic, abusive, narcissistic people will use the Bible or the label of “Christian” to justify their wicked behavior. To combat this, you have to know the Bible at least a bit. Nowhere in there does it justify any form of abuse! If you have any doubts, do your research with a good concordance or the internet. It won’t take you long to see how wrong the abuser is.
People also claim they are Christian to be underestimated, so people will feel safe with them or if they’re on the fence about something, they will think it’s OK because this person said they’re a Christian. Most people hear someone say they’re a Christian & somehow think those people are impervious to mistakes or bad behavior. Nothing could be further from the truth! EVERYONE makes mistakes for one thing. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t need Jesus. And for another thing, no true believer is going to be deliberately abusive towards someone else.
Rather than take someone on their word, observe a person’s behavior. Any true Christian’s behavior should show that they are doing their best to live a good, Godly life. Sure, they make mistakes, but they quickly try to fix them. If they hurt someone, it isn’t done intentionally, they are fast to apologize & change their behavior so it never happens again.
There are plenty of wolves in sheep’s clothing out there, looking for innocent victims. Remembering the points in this article can help you to avoid them.
Narcissists abuse their victims in many ways – emotionally, mentally, financially, physically & sexually. Some also abuse their victims spiritually.
Spiritual abusers aren’t only those who are preachers, deacons or others who are active in their church. Anyone can be a spiritual abuser. When my mother’s abuse peaked when I was in my late teens, she became very spiritually abusive. She frequently told me that I was going to hell for the terrible way I treated her. She never was active in a church or taught me anything about God. In fact, she always said she hated Christians.
If you’re wondering if the narcissist in your life is abusing you spiritually, there are some signs to look for.
Coping with spiritual abuse isn’t easy, but it can be done.
Have you ever noticed sometimes that the more your relationship with God improves, the more bad things seem to come your way? Suddenly it seems like everything is going wrong, & the things that are going wrong are big challenges. If only they were simple ones like having a flat tire.
This is because the closer you get to God, the more the devil hates you & wants to steal your peace & joy.
I have seen this in my own life recently. A couple of weeks ago, I spent a good part of my day in tears & praying about a big problem happening in my life. That afternoon, one of my wonderful, Godly friends texted me. She reminded me that with God, all things are possible & that He loves me. The amazing part of this is that I didn’t tell her anything that was happening until after she sent me the text & I explained why this meant so much to me that she did that. This incident caused my faith in God to grow by leaps & bounds. Since then, I’ve been experiencing more nightmares & flashbacks than usual which causes my health to be worse, my husband & I have been getting along worse & even my cats have been fussing with each other a lot which is highly unusual for them.
If things are suddenly going badly in your life, this may be why. Did you have some sort of spiritual breakthrough recently? Are you feeling closer to God than usual due to an answered prayer or display of His favor & love? That may be why things suddenly took a turn for the worse in your life.
During these trying times, I’ve learned that as hard as they are, there can still be peace. On the outside, nothing has really changed in my life at all. Things are still challenging. However, I know beyond any doubt that God is still in control. He still loves me, He still has my back. Even during the bad times, He is still with me.
That goes for you too, Dear Reader. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, & it seems like God is a million miles away, He’s still with you & taking care of you. And, the only reason things are going badly at the moment is the devil is mad that you’re closer to God. He’s trying to destroy your faith, to make you think things like, “If this is what happens when I get close to God, I’m done believing in Him!” Don’t give him what he wants! Stick even closer to God! It makes a big difference! Maybe not in your circumstances immediately, but you’ll be better able to handle the bad things, you’ll have more peace & less anxiety & depression. One thing that helps me too, is to remember Psalm 23:4
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” (NKJV)
I have found these Scriptures to be comforting & helpful as well…
Psalm 33:8 “Let all the earth fear the Lord; Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him.” (NKJV)
Psalm 33:18 “Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, On those who hope in His mercy, ” (NKJV)
Proverbs 8:13 “The fear of the Lord is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way And the perverse mouth I hate.” (NKJV)
Remember, you are NOT alone, Dear Reader! God is in your corner with you, no matter what. xoxo