Tag Archives: stalk

About Harassment & Stalking

I really don’t think there are a lot of people who understand the depths of depravity that it takes for someone to harass & even stalk their victims.  Not so long ago, if a person broke up with their significant other, & that person stalked them, it was thought of as almost romantic.  “See how much that person loves you?  They won’t leave you alone- that is love!”  The same sort of mentality was in place if it’s a friendship that ended.  “That friend must really care about you if s/he won’t take no for an answer!”

 

The truth is though, there is nothing loving & romantic about stalkers & harassers.  They don’t love their victims.  They love having control over their victims & even the narcissistic supply they may get from them, but they do NOT love their victims!

 

People like this are incredibly dangerous, as was proven here in Maryland recently.  By now if you’re in the USA, I’m sure you heard about the shooter at the Capital Gazette newspaper building in Annapolis.  If not, here is one article on the topic:  https://patch.com/maryland/severnapark/s/ggidf/accused-newspaper-gunmans-rampage-was-almost-8-years-making?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_term=police+%26+fire&utm_campaign=autopost&utm_content=severnapark

 

Apparently this person who murdered innocent people in cold blood started out harassing someone.  His behavior escalated & ended up in mass murder.

 

People who stalk & harass victims are NOT mentally stable!  Something clearly must be wrong with them to think that behavior is acceptable in the first place.  Obviously they have narcissistic tendencies at the very least to be so convinced that what they want matters more than the fact they’re terrifying & making their victims miserable, although I’m sure many are malignant narcissists or even sociopaths.

 

If you are in the position of being harassed or even stalked, please, PLEASE be careful!  Never underestimate the person harassing or stalking you.  Granted, most do not go as far as the man in this article did, but some do.  You don’t know for sure that the person abusing you will or won’t become so violent.

 

Being stalked & harassed is terrifying, & you have every right to feel afraid!  I’ve been through it twice & no one thought it was a big deal aside from me.  They couldn’t seem to understand why I lived in terror wondering what was next?  What were these people capable of doing to me?  No doubt you feel the same way.  Do NOT let anyone convince you it’s no big deal, or the person doesn’t mean any harm.  Maybe they don’t mean any harm other than to scare you as revenge for severing ties with them.  However, maybe they do mean to harm you.  You don’t know so don’t trust the person at all!

 

Ignore this person at all costs.  Any acknowledgment you give them, they may take as a sign the relationship is back on.

 

Do not believe them if they say they just want to talk or to apologize.  That is said just to lure you back into their dysfunctional web.

 

Look into laws for harassment & stalking in your state.  Talk to the local police, too.  Make sure you know what laws are in place & what you can do to protect yourself.

 

Use wisdom when & if bringing the law into the situation.  Some people aren’t going to be stopped by a restraining order.  In fact, some may get more vicious or violent.  If you aren’t sure what to do, pray & listen to what God tells you is best in your situation.

 

Document EVERYTHING!  Save voicemail messages, texts, messages & emails.  Save all documentation on a cloud storage service or email them to yourself, saving them on your email server.  Phones & computers die, & you don’t want to lose your evidence!

 

Block every possible means of communication this person can use to contact you.  Change your phone number & change your name on social media.  Chances are, they will find ways around your blocks, so keep blocking them.

 

Tell people in your life what is happening.  Make sure plenty of people know that this person is harassing you & plenty of details about the situation.  It can’t hurt to have other people being able to confirm your story to law enforcement if it comes to that.

 

If the person abusing you comes to your home, a home security system or at least outdoor cameras may be an excellent investment.  Many outdoor cameras connect to your cell phone & record video that is stored on a cloud server.

 

Don’t go out alone if you can help it.  Many stalkers aren’t going to bother you if you aren’t alone.  Also, if you have a pet, don’t let your pet outside alone.  Better safe than sorry!

 

And remember, it may get worse before it gets better.  With any luck, your stalker will get bored that you’ve been ignoring him/her & move on.  Prior to moving on though, they will step up the activity.  You may get even more emails or phone calls.  Keep ignoring them.  Do NOT give this person the time of day!  Remember they are just trying to get your attention.  Refuse to give it to them!  If you do, they will draw you back in & things will be even worse than before you ended the relationship.  Ignore, ignore, ignore!!

 

I pray you’re never in this type of situation, but if you are, Dear Reader, stay safe.  God bless you!  xoxo

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

What Happens When You Go No Contact Before The Narcissist Can Discard You

Narcissists, as we all know, are all about procuring narcissistic supply.  Anything or anyone that props up their self-esteem is a good thing.  Naturally this also means that anything or anyone that damages their self-esteem is a foul, evil thing deserving of the most intense hatred imaginable due to the narcissistic injury it caused.

 

Ending a relationship with a narcissist is possibly the most grievous of narcissistic injuries.  Even when a person isn’t a narcissist, it hurts when someone ends the relationship they had with you.  You grieve & move on in time.  Not so with narcissists.  There is nothing normal about them, especially when it comes to someone ending a relationship with them.

 

Narcissists see this as the person being ungrateful, selfish, wrong, stupid & more.  They don’t see that their actions forced the person to sever ties with them- they only see that you were unreasonable & cruel to them, & should be punished.

 

Many awful things can take place once a victim leaves a narcissist.  You need to be prepared for these likely scenarios.

 

Being fake.  Don’t fall for the good guy/girl act- the narcissist is only being nice in an attempt to lure you back into relationship.  If you go back, the niceness won’t last long.  That apology?  Was it really sincere or  a fake apology?  “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  “I’m sorry for whatever you think I did.”  “I’m sorry I did that but you made me act that way when you…” are not real apologies!  Genuine apologies show the person accepts responsibility for their actions.  They show the person apologizing is remorseful & wants to make it up to you if possible.  They don’t make excuses.

 

Harassment or stalking.  Narcissists love to stalk & harass.  They may drive past your home constantly, show up at places you frequent, or bully you online or through texts.  Even if you block their email or cell phone number, they often find ways around your boundaries just to prove they’re in control.  I was harassed by a narcissist for several years.  Early on, I blocked her home IP address from accessing my website, & she used another computer to copy an article on there I wrote about forgiveness & email it to me.  Talk about unsettling!  It showed me how determined this person was to let me know she would do whatever she wanted, no matter what I wanted or didn’t want.

 

Unfortunately in most states, laws haven’t caught up to cyberstalking, so your legal recourse may be limited.  Even with stalking in real life, it can be hard to prove sometimes.  Whether you can get the law involved or not, document EVERYTHING.  It’s always good to have that documentation in case you need it to prove a pattern of behavior.  Save texts, emails or screen shots in a safe place, like an online storage cloud.  Computers & cell phones die, & you don’t want all your documentation to be lost.

 

Smear campaign.  Always a favorite tool of narcissists, is the smear campaign.  You doing so means they may be exposed for the evil monster that they are, so they need to do something to prevent that from happening.  If they can convince other people that you are mentally unbalanced, a drug addict, or vengeful, the chances of people believing them over you are much greater.  Especially so if things are said in the guise of concern.  “I worry about her.. she does some pretty heavy drugs yanno…”

 

There really isn’t anything to do about a smear campaign.  If you defend yourself, chances are the person you’re speaking with will think that is proof that the narcissist is right.  You really are crazy, on drugs, etc.  The best thing you can do is allow your character to show.  You go on being the good person you are.  Those who believe the narcissist really aren’t your friends anyway.  True friends don’t blindly believe bad things about their friends no matter who says them.

 

Flying monkeys/triangulation.  Another favorite tool of narcissists is getting other people to do their dirty work for them.  This provides a potential for a double dose of narcissistic supply.  Getting someone to do as the narcissist commands is always good, but getting them to get someone else to do the narcissist’s will?  Amazing!

 

Resist the attempts to manipulate you back into relationship with the narcissist.  Refuse to discuss the narcissist with this person.  Change the subject when they discuss this person, repeatedly & even rudely if need be.  You may find out this person is extremely devoted to the narcissist, & you need to end that relationship as well.  Unfortunately, it happens often.

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When Narcissistic Rage Turns Especially Vicious

As open as I try to be about my experience with narcissists, I have kept a few things private, partly due to the fact I haven’t felt the timing was right to discuss them.  One of those things I feel it’s time to discuss it in the hopes this story will help some of you.

 

Several years ago, I was pretty close with someone.  As time wore on, I began to see some signs that she was a narcissist.  I wasn’t sure how to deal with the situation.  We knew many of the same people, & every single one thought so well of her.  I knew it’d be miserable for me when I went no contact with her because of them telling me what a great person she is, etc.  I also knew her well enough to know if I went no contact, she would do her best to make my life miserable.

 

I began to pull away some, to help me think of how to handle things & to implement the Gray Rock method (basically, providing her no narcissistic supply so she got bored with me).  During this time, something happened that ended our friendship.

 

I did something she didn’t approve of & she felt I tried to make her look bad when that wasn’t the case.  She immediately unfriended me on Facebook, then tried to re-friend me.  We exchanged a couple of messages, then I refused her friend’s request & blocked her.  She tried contacting me via other means.  She emailed, texted & tried reaching me via all sorts of social media.  She left bad reviews for two of my books on amazon & on my website.  When I blocked her from accessing my website, she used another person’s computer to access it.  She copied an article I wrote on forgiveness & pasted it into an email she sent me.  It gave me the chills.. I felt she was saying not only that I needed to forgive her, but also that I couldn’t stop her from accessing me if she wanted to.  NOT normal behavior!

 

During the early stages of this, I only told my husband & one other person we both knew about the situation.  I was sure if I told others who told her what I said about her, she would get even angrier at me.  I could imagine her saying I was lying or trying to ruin her relationships or something like that.  I finally talked to the police, & unfortunately in my state, she didn’t technically break the law with her harassment.  That meant there was nothing I could do legally.

 

Meanwhile, I was afraid she’d show up at my home one day, even though she lived about three hours away.  She seemed clearly mentally unbalanced to me, judging by her behavior.  My husband said she wouldn’t go that far.  The mutual friend of ours said the same, & that she’s just hurt- she’ll get bored & leave me be soon.

 

This harassment went on constantly for well over a year, then died down gradually.  It’s been four years since it started.  Recently, this person did more things.

 

Unfortunately, this type of behavior is very common among narcissists.

 

When you decide to go no contact or have an argument with a narcissist, you too may be on the receiving end of a narcissistic rage.  If this happens, you need to be prepared for it.

 

Possibly the most common tool used by narcissists in a rage is flying monkeys.   (If you click on the link in the previous sentence, it’ll take you to a helpful post I wrote on the topic.)  Sometimes though, when the narcissist knows she’s wrong, she won’t use them, like in my situation.  There really wasn’t a way to spin the situation I was in around to where she looked like the victim, so people might not be on her side.  She had to handle the situation herself.  When this happens, it can be really bad, as you saw from my story.

 

If you’re in a situation similar to mine, you need to protect yourself.  Talk to your local police.  Stalking laws vary from place to place, & you need to find out if your narcissist has broken the law.

 

Document every single thing.  Save voicemail messages.  Take screenshots.  Save emails & texts, preferably by emailing them to yourself & save them on your ISP or cloud storage to protect yourself against computer or phone crashes.  Even if your narcissist hasn’t broken the law, she may at some point.  Then, you will have evidence of her bad behavior to show the police & that can help your case.  Personally I have TONS of evidence in case it’s ever needed.

 

Ignore, ignore, ignore!  I know this is hard.  I wanted to confront my narcissist & tell her to leave me alone countless times.  However, a narcissist will take confronting as proof that she is scaring or upsetting you- that will encourage her to do what she’s doing even more.  Never let her know if you feel afraid or upset.  Ignore her completely whenever possible.  If she knocks on your door, don’t answer even if she knows you’re home.  Post “no trespassing” signs on your land. Don’t take her calls or respond to emails or texts.

 

Think about the people you have in common.  If you’re not 1,000% sure they will be on your side & keep what you say to themselves, don’t tell them about her actions.  The last thing you need is someone telling the narcissist you’re talking about her.  That will be a narcissistic injury.  She’ll take it as you talking badly about her & for no reason.  That will add to her rage & make her behavior even worse.

 

Narcissists can be very dangerous people, so never, ever underestimate them.  They may present themselves as harmless, but they’re not.  I never expected the one in my story capable of harassing me for so long.  Look how wrong I was!

 

Most of all, pray.  As God for wisdom on how to handle this difficult situation.  Ask Him for strength & courage, as well as protection for you, your family, your home, your job.. anything & everything you can think of.  Trust in Him to keep you safe & help you to survive this situation.  He truly will!

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Stalking & Harassment

Have you experienced a stalker?  Someone harassing you for months or even years on end?  If so, you’re not alone.

 

It’s estimated that 3.4 million people report being victims of stalking each year (according to the U.S. Department of Justice’s Bureau of Justice Statistics.), & that is only the reported cases.  Chances are the real number of stalking victims is much higher as many victims either don’t want to report it or are told they don’t have a case, which means a report is never made.  Personally, I’ve experienced stalking twice.  The first time, the policeman actually laughed at me when I tried to report it.  The second time, the policeman was much kinder, but said that there was nothing that could be done from a legal standpoint as this person’s behavior stayed just barely legal.

 

Although the laws have improved, they still haven’t entirely caught up with reality, which means there isn’t usually much that can be done to protect ourselves from a legal perspective.  We’re forced to seek other means of self-protection, as frustrating as that can be.

 

What can a victim do to protect himself or herself?

 

One thing I’ve realized is these people tend to be narcissists.  They think their wants & needs rise above anything & everything else.  They also think they’re above the law- they are so smart, they can harass you & stay legal.   They also seem to think if they just push hard enough, you’ll cave, & see that you should be in a relationship with them.  You’ll see how much they care about you by them harassing you!  I think some stalkers who have been romantically involved with their victims even think it’s romantic.  See how much they love you?  They just can’t let you go!  They can’t live without you!   Amazingly dysfunctional,  I know, but this is often their mindset.

 

Keeping in mind stalkers are often narcissists, you need to remember- narcissists are constantly in search of their precious narcissistic supply, which basically means any attention is good attention as far as they’re concerned.  Good or bad attention, love them or hate them, they’ll take any attention or emotion they can get.

 

The best way to counteract a narcissistic stalker is to ignore them.  They can handle any positive or negative emotion you feel, but they simply cannot handle apathy.

 

Show a narcissist they don’t mean anything to you, act like they don’t even exist, & that you aren’t afraid of them, & they will be completely frazzled.  They won’t know what to do!  I know this can be very frustrating to do.  When someone is stalking & harassing you, you can’t help but want to tell them to get lost (putting that nicely) at some point.  However, doing so will only make things worse.  Ignore them no matter what!  Even if you see them in a public place,  ignore them!  Yes it’s hard, but at some point, most narcissists will quit bothering you & find another target.

 

Another thing you can do is document everything.  Take pictures.  Save emails & texts.  Take screen shots (hit that “prt scr” button on your keyboard, open Microsoft Paint or any picture editor & paste into a document.  Instructions for android & iphones are available online.).  Save every electronic document somewhere that can’t be destroyed.  External hard drives die.  CD’s break or become corrupt.  Flash drives can be lost.  An online cloud service is an excellent alternative.

 

Block your stalker electronically every way possible.  Block them on social media, block their email, block their phone number.  Granted, if they want to reach you badly enough, they can create other social media profiles, email addresses or spoof their phone number, but at least you can make reaching you a real challenge.  Then block the new profile, email or phone number.  Keep blocking!

 

Share your story with close friends or family who believe what you are going through.  It certainly can’t hurt to have others know what is happening.

 

Stay on your toes.  If you can, don’t go out alone.  Stalkers are often nothing but bullies which means they’re cowards.  Having others around you lessens your chances of them bothering you.

 

Put “no trespassing” signs on your property where they can be seen very clearly.  Here in Maryland, if someone trespasses in spite of your sign, you can call the police to escort this person off your property.  Having a police record of this person’s actions will work in your favor.  I would guess this works in other states as well- it’s best to check into your own local laws however.

 

Lastly, if this stalker knows your friends & family, you need to be prepared- they are often quite capable of turning people against you.  As ridiculous as it sounds, many stalkers are great actors (typical narcissistic behavior), & convince others that you are the one with the problem.  The stalker probably says that he or she loves you & is just trying to win you back or be your friend.  The stalker is the innocent victim- you’re the one with the problem.  She/he has no idea why you’re being so mean & unreasonable- all the stalker wants to do is talk or apologize.  And sadly, many people naively believe such nonsense because the stalker is just that good of an actor.  I can’t tell you how many people I’ve lost in my life because of my two stalkers.

 

I truly hope that you did not need to read this post, Dear Reader.  Being stalked & harassed is such a nuisance at best & depending on the person, can be very scary at worst.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  If you are in this situation, then I hope my post can help you to manage this situation.  My prayer is that anyone reading this article will be kept safe & their stalker will leave them alone permanently.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, Narcissism

Going No Contact With A Narcissist

Deciding to end a relationship is not an easy choice, especially when the other person is a narcissist.  After months or years of gaslighting, you doubt your perception, wondering if this is actually a good idea in spite of the glaring evidence that says it is.  Plus, you are well aware how vengeful the narcissist can be, which scares you.  If the narcissist is your parent, there is a whole other area of guilt & “what if’s” that you will experience as well.

Once you end the relationship, the narcissist won’t take it well.  This kind of rejection creates a narcissistic rage, which we all know is never pretty.  Chances are, she will lie to others about you, probably even going so far as to make herself look like your victim.  This may hurt when others believe her lies or cut ties with you, but the thing to remember is those who truly love you won’t believe the lies.  The ones who believe them & abandon you?  You don’t need them in your life anyway.

She also may stalk you, threaten you, or vandalize your property.  The only good part of this is that you can get the police involved.  The law will force this person to leave you alone or face jail time.

Most narcissists, however, think they can outsmart the police.  They think they are too smart to do something obvious as slashing your tires, for example.  Instead, they take the most cowardly route to harassing you, & do it via text message, email or social media.  Vague social media posts referring to “someone” doing “something mean” to them are a favorite, because they offer deniability.  “I wasn’t talking about you!”  “You read too much into things!”  Bonus- if you believe it was about you, they believe they can make you think you are going crazy.

As annoying as these childish behaviors can be, the best way to handle them is to simply ignore them.  If you think it’s impossible, I beg to differ!  I’ve found it to be surprisingly easy, keeping some things in mind…

Always remember, vengeance belongs to God, not you.  Someone trying to hurt you angers God, & He is a protective father.  Let Him deal with the problem & He will do a much better job than you ever could.

This person wants to be sure you think about her as much as she thinks about you, which is why she is harassing you.  Don’t you have better things to do with your time than to think about someone so dysfunctional & evil?

The narcissist isn’t worth it.  Why waste your peace of mind & joy focusing on someone like that?  Ignore the person & enjoy your life.  Life is too short to waste on such useless matters.

Responding in any way provides her with narcissistic supply.  Refuse to provide it in any way, shape or form.  Providing supply by acknowledging her actions or getting angry with her only fuels her rage & will escalate her awful behavior.

Narcissists love to use fear & guilt to control their victims.  If you show no fear or guilt, they can’t control you.  Ignoring their actions shows you feel neither.

Narcissists can’t handle apathy.  Love them or hate them, & they are happy.  Pretend they don’t even exist?  Their little heads may explode.  lol  If you do this, eventually they will get bored with trying to win some attention from you & move onto a new supplier.

Lastly, don’t forget to document everything & I mean EVERYTHING.  Save all the emails, texts, social media posts.  Take pictures.  Write down what happened, who was there & when it happened.  If you decide to talk to the police or the narcissist does end up breaking the law or cyberstalking laws change, you will have plenty of evidence to present to the police to show your side of things.  I have saved emails, texts & screen shots from up to two years ago from someone who has been harassing me, & will continue to save them indefinitely.

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