Why Narcissists Feel They Must Know All About Their Victims After The Relationship Is Over

So many victims of narcissistic abuse face the same scenario.  Once they ended the relationship with the narcissist, they learned that the narcissist or one of their loyal evil minions have been following them on social media, trying to befriend people the victim knows or otherwise trying to find out information about what their victim has been doing since the relationship ended. 

I have been in this position repeatedly & currently have someone following me on Facebook that I know is only there to report to two narcissists what they find on my page.  Thanks to awful people like this, I can tell you from personal experience, it’s exasperating!  It makes you feel like there is no escape from the narcissist or their flying monkeys.  It also is maddening because you know if you close one door where they have to access you, they’ll find another.  They can create fake social media profiles all day long & follow you in those.  Or, they can befriend other friends of yours that you aren’t as close to.  Or, they can send friends of theirs you don’t know to befriend you. 

There is also the fact no victim of narcissistic abuse could be comfortable with a narcissist knowing anything about their life after the relationship.  No one who treats someone as terribly as a narcissist treats their victim has the right to know anything about those they have abused.  The sheer audacity of that behavior is infuriating, especially if you’re already a rather private person. 

To those who haven’t had this experience, it may not sound like a big deal.  It may even sound like the narcissist truly loves their victim, since they obviously want to know about them even long after the relationship has ended.  The fact though is those thoughts are absolutely wrong.  This IS a big deal & the narcissist does NOT love their victim.

When someone ends a relationship with a functional person, that functional person may want to know what the other person is up to after the relationship ends sometimes, but they aren’t obsessed.  They know it’s unhealthy & they aren’t entitled to that knowledge.  They may peek at their social media once in a while or ask a mutual friend how the other person is doing, but that is it.  Narcissists are not like this.  They think they are entitled to know whatever they like about their victims simply because they want to know.  Nothing else matters to them, like respect, privacy or boundaries.

Narcissists also don’t behave this way out of love.  They know nothing about what real love is like.  They are hoping to learn that their former victim is as miserable as they are, & failing in their life.  Nothing would make them happier than to learn that their victim has suffered all kinds of heartaches & trials since the relationship ended.  And, if they see evidence their victim is happy, it infuriates them.  It fuels their hatred of their victim.  Again, this is nothing like a functional person after a relationship!  A functional person wants the person they were in a relationship with once to be happy, even if it isn’t with them.  They won’t rejoice if they learn that person has suffered, only if they learn that person is happy.

If you are in this position of dealing with a narcissist or their flying monkeys lurking on the outskirts of your life, my heart truly goes out to you.  Protect your privacy however necessary, & don’t feel badly about doing it.  You have every right to do that!  They aren’t entitled to know anything about you or your life.  A person who abuses you has lost all rights to know anything about you, good or bad.  It is totally reasonable for you to protect your privacy however you need to because of that.

Regarding Snooping Narcissists

Years ago, much like many other authors, I had a Facebook page dedicated to my writing.  It was a typical page.  I shared updates of new books I wrote, links to blog posts, helpful memes & the like.  A good friend of mine has admin privileges on that page.  I had a lot of folks blocked that I didn’t want to unblock anyone to see if they followed my page, so this seemed like a good solution.

Then in 2013, I was on the receiving end of harassment from one of my narcissistic relatives.  Although I blocked this person, somehow she still followed my page as I learned from my fellow admin.  My friend blocked my relative from the page, but somehow she still showed up as someone who liked the page.  She deleted & banned my relative several times with the same results.  I finally unblocked her temporarily then deleted & banned her myself from my page in the hopes that would solve the problem somehow.  Since I had unblocked this relative, I thought it might be wise to unblock others to make sure they too weren’t following my page, & was shocked.  One of my sisters in-law that I hadn’t spoken to since 2002 was following it.  I decided to re-block those I had unblocked, shut down my page & focus on my private group instead since I could control who I allowed in my group easier than page followers.

My relative was determined to follow my page as one more way to harass me, I believe.  I read through & found no comments or “likes” from my sister in-law though.  It was baffling at first, but eventually I think I figured out why she followed my page.  She wanted to snoop. I believe her motive is similar to many other narcissists, so I thought I’d discuss this with you today.

Narcissists will snoop on their victims in the hopes of seeing the person who severed ties with them failing &/or miserable without them.  Nothing would make them happier than to see that person they tried to destroy utterly despondent without them. 

In many cases, some snooping people are narcissists & are flying monkeys for another narcissist.  The reason they snoop is to find out any information that the other narcissist may find useful.  They get something from “helping” out that narcissist.  It may be money, favor or in the case of covert narcissists, simply enjoying what they are doing while looking like a good person just trying to help.

Narcissists are also nosy.  They simply want to know what their former victim is up to just because they think they have the right to know these things.  I suppose that is part of their sense of entitlement – they believe that no matter what they have done to someone, they still have the right to know everything about that person. They couldn’t be more wrong!

I don’t know about the rest of you, but for me, that last reason is the worst.  It just ticks me off to no end that some person who treated me like dirt & trashed me behind my back would think that they somehow are entitled to know anything about my life.  It astounds me that anyone can think it’s acceptable behavior to want to know things about my life while not having any relationship with me or trying to work on having a relationship with me.  That is seriously messed up!

Unfortunately in this age of technology, completely hiding isn’t an option.  You can block someone from calling or texting you, but they can use another phone.  You can block their email address, but they can reach you by using a different one.  The same goes for social media – they can use or create a different profile to see you after you blocked their original one. 

I figured out some ways to handle the situation that may help you too.

I don’t answer calls from phone numbers I don’t recognize.  If I know someone will call from a number I don’t know, such as a repairman, I’ll ask for their number or at least what time they will call so I can answer the call without worry.

I keep all social media posts not related to my writing private, so only trusted friends can see them. 

I have blocked all narcissists’ phone numbers, emails & on social media, & continue to block them when they find alternative ways to contact me or snoop.  Eventually they do get tired of constantly finding new ways to reach you, although it may take a long time to do so.  My relative I mentioned earlier?  She bothered me for four years, & the last time was only to hurt me because she knew my father was dying at that time. Narcissists do love to kick a person when they’re down.

I stumbled across an alternative to blocking on social media I find to be entertaining. Rather than simply blocking, I share things on public just for the nosy people.  It’s usually educational things about being nosy narcissists or flying monkeys because I honestly hope they recognize how dysfunctional they are. But, I also have some fun & share periodic memes about online stalkers or how people need to mind their own business.  Doing this probably means the in-laws have plenty to say about what an awful person I am, but since their opinions are irrelevant to me, it doesn’t bother me at all. If you feel that same way, you might find this tactic as entertaining as I have. 

One Thing Many Narcissists Do After No Contact

Ending a relationship with a narcissist is never easy for many reasons.  One of those reasons is how they often behave after the relationship is over.

Most people are aware of some of what to expect after going no contact with a narcissist.  They know about smear campaigns, harassment & stalking.  What not everyone realizes though is there is more to what narcissists often do in these situations.  Sometimes, narcissists simply vanish only to reappear at a later time in their victims’ lives.  And often, they do this repeatedly.

This may not sound so bad at first but it is bad.  Imagine the following scenario:

You think this awful person is out of your life once & for all.  You finally are free of the constant abuse, the gaslighting, the isolation from your friends & family!  For the first time in a long time, or maybe even the first time ever, you can live the life you want to live without the constant degradation & control.  You are FREE! 

A few months into your new life, you’re settling in & starting to relax & enjoy this newfound freedom.  You’re healing from the damage & forming healthy relationships. Then suddenly, you receive a text from the narcissist.  Then another & another.  Before you know it, your social media message inbox fills up, as does your voicemail & email.  These messages may not even be only from the narcissist, but the devoted flying monkeys who foolishly think they have the right to tell you that you need to contact the narcissist or resume the relationship.  Your new feelings of peace & relaxation are being replaced quickly by intense anxiety, even if you don’t read or listen to the messages.  You quickly block all means of contact, & the messages & calls naturally stop.  Again, you think this is the end.  And maybe it is, but just for a while.  Then several months or even years later, the narcissist & flying monkeys start harassing you again & the intense anxiety returns.

This scenario is more common than you might think, & it happens all the time with narcissists.

If this happens to you, don’t think it’s because the narcissist loves & misses you.  That isn’t the case because no matter how wonderful you may be, narcissists don’t feel normal emotions.  The narcissist isn’t missing you at all.  At best, he or she is missing the narcissistic supply you used to provide.  As sad as that is, that is usually the best case scenario in these situations.  Usually their motives are much worse.

Popping in their victim’s life after a long absence is one way narcissists continue to abuse their victims.  They know their victim wants nothing to do with them, which is why they severed ties.  By making random appearances, this keeps the victim mentally off balance.  It creates terrible fear, because it makes victims wonder what is next & will this person ever stop?  It also makes them wonder what exactly is this person capable of doing, & what is he or she up to?

Adding insult to injury is the fact that most narcissists tell their flying monkeys that they miss the victim so terribly, they’re miserable without that person & other lies.  This often motivates flying monkeys to do whatever it takes to victims to attempt to force them to reenter the relationship with the narcissist.

If you’re in this situation, my heart goes out to you.  I’ve been there & know just how horrible it is.  The best things I can tell you are to ask God for wisdom in handling this situation, block every means of access they have to you, & document EVERYTHING.  Laws regarding stalking & harassment are constantly changing, so your documentation may prove valuable.  At the very least, it can provide evidence of bad behavior leading up to when they finally do break the law, & that can help you with law enforcement.

When Narcissists Stalk Victims Online

Narcissists & their flying monkeys are notorious for stalking their victims.  Often, they do this in real life, showing up at a victim’s work or home.  Sometimes even random places like their gym, grocery store or favorite coffee shop.  Even more common though, is narcissists who stalk their victims online.

I’ve been subjected to this, sadly by my own family.  Those who stopped speaking to me or never really spoke to me have read this blog, read my website, subscribed to my Facebook page & even tried to join my Facebook group.  They were clearly offended by what I write about.  One particularly repugnant relative even told my mother what I write about.  I learned this after she died & it was extremely upsetting.  In spite of our relationship, I never wanted my parents to be hurt by learning what I write about.  I didn’t discuss it with relatives either in the hopes no one would know or tell my parents what I write about.

The reason narcissists & their flying monkeys (who I have said before I believe are often narcissists, too) stalk their victims online isn’t because they care about the victim at all.  They are simply nosy or trying to manipulate their victim.

Narcissists want to know that the victim who got away from them is despondent & failing in life.  The narcissist wants to know that person can’t possibly succeed without them.  They want to know that their victim is utterly alone, without friends, family or true love.

In other words, they are looking for proof that their victim is just as lonely, miserable & unsuccessful in life as they are.

Narcissists are incapable of feeling a good, healthy, functional or Godly love like the average person.  They feel a very different kind of love.  They enjoy the narcissistic supply their victims provide them with while in the relationship.  They may even feel a bit of fondness for the victim, especially if that victim provides particularly good narcissistic supply.  These feelings are as close as narcissists come to feeling love as most people know it.

Narcissists also are all about appearances, as everyone who knows anything about narcissists knows.  By following victims on social media, they can look as if they care about the victim while not actually caring & at the same time looking for signs that their victim is miserable.

Another possible motive they have is by stalking victims online is they think that shows they care rather than it being all about control & manipulation.  If a narcissist is trying to lure a victim back into the relationship, many honestly think that stalking them in this way is a good way to do it.  They believe one of two things about their behavior: either the victim will think it’s “romantic” that the narcissist clearly can’t live without them, or if they inundate the victim with enough constant messages on social media, emails, etc., they can wear the victim down enough to force this person to return to the relationship just to make the constant harassment stop.  Either way, the narcissist believes this stalking type behavior will get them what they want from their victim.

If you’re in this situation, my heart goes out to you.  It doesn’t sound so bad, someone constantly texting you or following you on Facebook, but it truly can be terrifying.  It’s so unnerving that a person can devote so much time & energy to abusing someone.  It makes you wonder what else they’re capable of, when will they stop, what is next & a plethora of unsettling things.

The best advice I know to give you is this.  If you’re in this situation, block this narcissist at every turn, along with their flying monkeys.  Before you do that though, take screen shots & save them either on cloud storage or email them to yourself so you won’t lose them if your phone or computer die.  You may need documentation if you choose to involve law enforcement.  Chances are excellent they’ll simply use other means to contact you, so you’re going to have to keep blocking them.  Don’t look at messages from names you don’t recognize, or if you do & realize it’s the narcissist, take a screen shot or save the emails before you block them.  It’s frustrating I know, but keep doing this.  Eventually the narcissist will give up.  It may take a long time, but it will happen!

Beware Of A Narcissist’s Scouts

According to thesaurus.com, some synonyms for the word scout are “detective,” “lookout,” & “sleuth.”    Such descriptions fit in perfectly to describe the type of person I want to discuss today.

A narcissist’s scout is nothing but a flying monkey.  They most likely aren’t obvious like most flying monkeys.  In fact, they often fade quietly into the background.  They also are probably someone you barely know, but is close to the narcissist.  Then suddenly, out of nowhere, they call, send a text message or email, or maybe a friend’s request on social media.  This sort of thing often happens around holidays, birthdays or some other special day.

When you barely know the person, responding to them can seem innocent enough.  Sure, they know the narcissist, but they seemed ok.  What could be the harm in getting to know them?  PLENTY!!

Scouts rely on their ability to seem innocent & harmless to do their mission, & that mission is not becoming your friend.  That mission is getting information about you to share with their narcissist.  You may think that isn’t a big deal, but I promise you it is! 

When someone is as toxic as a narcissist, any information they have about you can be twisted around to make you look bad & benefit them somehow.  They can use the information to smear your good name which potentially could cause all kinds of problems.  Or, at the very least, it makes them feel smug because they know something about you that you don’t want them to know, & this provides narcissistic supply.  Better they know nothing!

Besides providing the narcissist with information about you, scouts also may try to force you to resume the relationship with the narcissist.  As I have said many times, I believe flying monkeys to be narcissists, & this behavior is proof of that.  They try to force the relationship to resume by using bullying tactics if they are overt narcissists, or, if they are covert, they will use guilt, shame & any underhanded manipulative tactics they can think of.  Either way, these people benefit from behaving this way.  They get the thrill of abusing someone & recognition from the narcissist for “trying to help” them out. 

Probably, the scout’s motivation for reaching out to you is to try to convince you to resume the toxic relationship while they gather information about you to provide the narcissist.  They get a lot of narcissistic supply from this.

If you go no contact with the narcissist in your life, chances are excellent this is going to happen to you at some point.  If the narcissist isn’t able to contact you, they will send a scout out.  It may even be years after the last time you spoke with them.  My longest time after last contact with a narcissist before the scout was sent out was 19 years.  One of my husband’s relatives sent me a friend’s request on Facebook, then followed me, while ignoring his friend’s request.

When this happens to you, the best advice I can give is not to respond to any contact from a scout, no matter how innocent it seems.  Chances are you will be opening a door that won’t lead to anything good.  Leave the door closed, & ask God to show you the best way to handle the situation.

Blocking any & all access this person has to you is a wise move as well.  They don’t need to know anything about you.  Even if this person hasn’t proven himself or herself toxic, remember that they also haven’t proven themselves safe, & only known safe people should have access to your life in any capacity.

There is one other option for something you can do.  Share information only for them.  I don’t mean to be vengeful.  I’m also not encouraging lying.  What I mean is do what I do.  I do this with my last scout.  I deleted her friend’s request immediately.  I noticed she follows me, & I almost blocked her but had another idea… I let her follow me.  I share very little on Facebook anyway, & am very careful about what I share publicly.  Right after I realized this scout follows me, I shared some funny memes about people who aren’t friends but follow people on social media.  The only other public things I share are my blog posts, memes & articles about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  This was my way of telling her, “I know you’re just here to spy on me.  Here’s some information you can take back to the original narcissists.  I hope y’all read it & learn something about yourselves!”  And truly, I DO hope they learn something.  It’s unlikely of course, but maybe if I plant enough seeds, something will grow. 

By doing this, they have gotten quite a surprise I’m sure.  They were certain they were being smart, & I stupidly would befriend their scout.  They couldn’t have been more wrong.  Instead, the only things they will get from me is truth.  It’s a good tactic.. you can’t go wrong sharing the truth, & quite honestly, it feels good because by doing this, I’m showing them they aren’t going to outsmart me with their pathetic games. 

Whatever you opt to do with your scout, I truly wish you the best!

One Thing You Can Expect After Going No Contact With A Narcissist

Some abusive people are relentless.  They abuse their victims for years, sometimes their entire lifetime or their victims’ lifetime.  When their victims finally sever ties, this should mean the end of the abuse, but often it doesn’t.  Abusers are notorious for harassing & even stalking their victims, sometimes for years after the victim ended the relationship.  Not all abusers do this however.  Sometimes, they send out their evil minions to do their dirty work.

Flying monkeys is a commonly used term used to describe the evil minions who help narcissists abuse their victims.  They are quick to tell victims that they need to fix the relationship with the narcissist because the narcissist is such a wonderful person.  They not only sing the narcissist’s praises, but they use guilt & shame to try to manipulate victims into tolerating the abuse.  They say things like, “He is so miserable without you!”  “Your mom isn’t getting any younger..”  “You only get one set of parents!”

You would think once the relationship is over, the flying monkeys’ jobs would be over too, but sadly, that’s not always the case.  These mindless cronies still take their work seriously & can amp up their dysfunctional tasks.  Sometimes they will try contacting victims even years after the victim removed the narcissist from their life.  Sometimes they do it because they think now that time has passed, the victim has had the time to “get over” whatever the narcissist did to them, so now they’ll listen to the flying monkey’s logic about why they should resume the relationship.  Other times, they are on fact finding missions for the narcissist, hoping to find out whatever the narcissist wants to know about the victim.  Most times it seems they are hoping to find the victim is utterly miserable & destitute without the narcissist.  Still other times, these flying monkeys do it just to harass the victim while telling themselves they’re simply trying to help, which, in true covert narcissist fashion, enables them to think they’re good people.  Whichever the case, their behavior boils down to creating strife in the victim’s life, & that is something that the Bible speaks against very strongly.

Strife means to create discord, clash with or to antagonize another person.  Naturally strife can lead to other problems such as anger, hatred or thoughts of revenge, which is probably why the Bible speaks so harshly against it.  Galatians 5:19-21 in the Amplified translation of the Bible says, “¹⁹Now the practices of the sinful nature are clearly evident: they are sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality (total irresponsibility, lack of self-control), ²⁰ idolatry, sorcery, hostility, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions [that promote heresies], ²¹ envy, drunkenness, riotous behavior, and other things like these. I warn you beforehand, just as I did previously, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

People who are willing to start such strife do so for various reasons, none of which are good.  Proverbs 15:18 describes the type of person who starts strife in various ways in different translations.  Hot tempered, quick tempered, wrathful, & hothead are some of the words used in that particular Scripture.  Proverbs 16:28 also describes this type of person as a troublemaker, perverse & even evil.  Another motivation for some people is hatred, according to Proverbs 10:12.  Pride is yet another motivation which is mentioned in Proverbs 13:10 & 28:25.  The pride aspect proves my theory that many flying monkeys are covert narcissists.  They interfere because not only do they enjoy abusing, but they think they look like good people just trying to help fix a damaged relationship.

The best way to deal with flying monkeys is not to deal with them if at all possible.  No matter who they are, there is Biblical evidence that there is no need to have a person like this in your life.  Proverbs 22:10 says, “Drive out the scoffer, and contention will go away; Even strife and dishonor will cease.”  A scoffer is someone who mocks others or treats others with contempt.  That is often the perfect description of not only narcissists but their flying monkeys as well, so I believe this Scripture applies to them all.  Protect yourself & remove these dreadful people from your life if you can.  There is no good reason to tolerate such awful behavior from anyone!

A Commonly Ignored Narcissistic Behavior

The Bible has plenty to say about minding your own business & gossiping.  In the Amplified Bible, 1 Peter 4:15 says, “Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or a thief, or any sort of criminal [in response to persecution], or as a troublesome meddler interfering in the affairs of others;” 1 Thessalonians 4:11 says, “and to make it your ambition to live quietly and peacefully, and to mind your own affairs and work with your hands, just as we directed you.”  Leviticus 19:16 says, “You shall not go around as a gossip among your people, and you are not to act against the life of your neighbor [with slander or false testimony]; I am the Lord.” Proverbs 20:19 says, “He who goes about as a gossip reveals secrets; Therefore do not associate with a gossip [who talks freely or flatters].”

Yet in spite of these Scriptures being very clear, many people have no problem keeping track of others, & talking badly about what they learn while snooping into other’s business.  In fact, some even act like anyone who is bothered if someone does this to them is the one that has a problem, not the other person.

Some time back, I decided to separate myself from every single abusive, awful person in my life & those who associate with them.  I blocked all means of access such as phone numbers, emails & social media.  I made one mistake.  I forgot to block the husband of one of these people.  As a result, I learned that his social media profile has been used to snoop on mine.  I doubt he would do this, so it’s a safe assumption his wife does the snooping using his profile. 

This may not sound like a big deal to most people, but to me, it is.  This person lost all rights to any access whatsoever to my life by how she has chosen to treat me.  Plus, I have no doubt she discusses her findings with someone close to her who is just as hateful as she is.  I feel very angry & violated!

This type of behavior is so common & is rarely thought of badly.  It seems to be socially acceptable to keep tabs on people on social media in particular.  And honestly, who hasn’t looked up someone, maybe an ex boyfriend or girlfriend that you’ve thought about frequently since you broke up five years ago, then told your best friend what you found out?  I think that is pretty normal & that isn’t what I’m referring to.  I’m referring to those people who routinely check out someone’s social media or if they see them at the local grocery store, follow them around & then tell other people what they learned.  That is the behavior I’m addressing & find so disturbing. 

This sort of behavior says someone is very envious.  They see someone as better than them somehow.  Maybe they think this person is more attractive, talented or successful than they are.  Rather than act like a mature adult & focus on improving themselves, instead they look for reasons to be angry with that other person & to make other people think badly of them. 

Acting this way isn’t simply unbecoming & ungodly behavior.  It is very typical behavior of narcissists!  One of the most common tactics of narcissists, whether the narcissist is overt or covert, is to tear other people down in order to make themselves look & feel better.  It can be devastating to the victim of this abusive behavior, which no doubt is why God is so clearly against it as to include Scriptures on the topic in the Bible.  Even if it is done by someone not particularly close to you, while it may not be as devastating as it is when it’s done by someone close, it really can be very hurtful & is just wrong!

My hope is that those of you who are reading this today don’t engage in this behavior, but if you do, please consider what I have said & make changes.  Whether you mean to cause harm or not, chances are, you are causing someone harm & for no valid reason.

One Way Narcissists & Flying Monkeys Bully Victims

One “funny” thing I’ve noticed about narcissists is they have what I think of as electronics courage. Electronics courage is when a person feels they have the right to say anything they feel like on text, your social media, email or even over the phone. Yet in person, they are civil to you.

I have a ton of examples from my own life, but I’ll only share a couple. One of my aunts who I have since blocked from my life loved her electronics courage. She once commented on one of my Facebook posts that I needed to get into therapy & figure out how to work things out with my parents, & “don’t dare tell her it won’t work!” As my father was dying in 2017, I was no contact with my parents. Several of my cousins tried to bully me into saying good bye to him. They sent an innundation of texts & Facebook messages daily during the final three weeks of his life. One tried calling me through Facebook messenger & let the phone ring for ten to fifteen minutes. Not one of these cowards showed up at my home, mind you. Instead, like my aunt, they hid behind their computers & phones.

How about you? Can you think of similar situations in your experience with narcissists & their flying monkeys? I would bet you can. If not, it will happen to you at some point if you have or had a narcissist in your life.

When this happens to you, the smartest thing you can do is block all access these people have to you. Block them on all social media platforms, block their email addresses & telephone numbers. Chances are, they will use alternate social media accounts, emails & phone numbers to try to contact you, so block those, too.

If at all possible, eliminate voicemail. I found hearing their voices angered me so I don’t have voicemail on my home phone. This was impossible to do on my cell, so I ignore all voicemail messages. I’m letting the mailbox fill up so no one can leave any messages. I also changed my message to callers telling them not to leave me a voicemail message because I won’t respond. Narcissists & their flying monkeys will ignore that request of course, but at least other people will listen.

There are also apps available to block phones from calling & texting. If your cell phone doesn’t have a good block feature, look into the apps. One thing you should know about the apps – some may technically block texts, but you still can see them. You need to make sure the settings are set so you don’t have to see them.

The laws for harassment & stalking are changing, & finally catching up with the times. If you are being harassed electronically, one smart move to make is to save any & all communication from the narcissist & flying monkeys. Take screen shots, save emails & voicemails. Save them on a cloud service or email them to yourself & save the emails on your email provider. Phones & computers crash, so it’s best not to save them on phones or computers where one crash means they can be lost forever. You may need this documentation to show to law enforcement. Even if those harassing you aren’t technically breaking the law just yet, still document their abuse. When they finally do break the law, you’ll have plenty of evidence showing their bad behavior & intentions towards you going back a long time. This can help build your case with law enforcement.

When this situation happens to you, I know it can be very hard. It’s disturbing when someone sends you constant messages full of hatred. It makes you wonder what the person is truly capable of, doesn’t it? Most narcissists & flying monkeys are simply full of hot air & electronics courage, spewing their venom from the safety of behind a computer or phone. That being said though, never underestimate them. These people can be capable of even worse behavior. Take all measures you can to protect yourself, & block all access they can possibly have to you.

Preventing Narcissists From Wanting You Back

Any Reaction Is Good As Far As Narcissists Are Concerned

Narcissists do their best to elicit reactions from their victims.  It doesn’t matter to them if the reaction is positive or negative, so long as it’s a strong reaction.

If you react positively to a narcissist, this provides narcissistic supply because it builds up their ego.  They see your reaction as proof that they are the awesome, amazing person they want people to think they are.  This means they will pursue you fervently in order to gain more of that precious supply you provide.

If you react negatively to a narcissist, this also provides narcissistic supply.  In the mind of the narcissist, it proves they are incredibly powerful.  After all, only a powerful person could elicit such a reaction, as far as they’re concerned.  Or, they can portray themselves as your victim, which is another great way for them to gain supply.  This situation also means they will pursue you fervently, because they want that narcissistic supply.

Narcissists really are experts at creating “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenarios, aren’t they?

As difficult as it seems, you need to avoid both scenarios.  The more narcissistic supply you provide, the more the narcissist will demand of you.  They will not hesitate to drain you of anything & everything you have- money, possessions, your time, energy, etc- to gain that supply.

To avoid providing a narcissist with supply, you need to stop reacting & start responding.

Reacting is that knee-jerk reaction, that thing that just happens automatically, without thinking.  Responding, however, happens after you take time to calm down & think.  Responding is what you need to do when dealing with a narcissist.

Responding isn’t nearly as easy to do as reacting, but it is possible, even when face to face with a narcissist.  To start with, pray.  Ask God for help responding & to keep your reactions in check.  You also can pray Psalm 19:14, “Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.” (KJV)

Remind yourself how important it is to stay calm.  Remembering why you need to behave this way can be helpful.  Also tell yourself that you can do this, you are well able to remain calm no matter what.   Remember Proverbs 23:7  “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:…” (KJV)  If you tell yourself such things, you will be able to do them.

Another trick I learned is to stop for a second & take a deep breath, then release it.  This act forces you to calm down because of the breathing.  It also gives you a second to think of a response or ask God for help.

If you are no longer in a relationship with the narcissist, & they are either harassing you (themselves or via flying monkeys) or creating a smear campaign, I still would urge you to remain calm.

If the narcissist is harassing you, block her every way possible- on social media, email, your phone- & ignore her completely no matter what.  If she sends you something via postal mail, before you do anything with it, pray.  Some narcissists see returning mail as contact, thus it provides them with supply, & encourages them to continue harassing you.  Others may not see it that way.  You need to pray about this before you accept or return their mail.  You also may need to get a restraining order (talk to a police officer in your area for more details).  In many cases, narcissists know about stalking laws & stay just barely legal.  This means you can’t get a restraining order since they haven’t broken the law.  Even if you can’t, document everything they do.  Save emails & texts.  Take screen shots.  Save voice mails.  And, save everything in a safe place, such as online storage, so you won’t lose it no matter what.  This way, if the narcissist does break the law at some point, you have evidence that their behavior has been awful for a long time.  This can help you with the legal system.

If flying monkeys are harassing you, also remain calm in their presence & respond, don’t react.  Any reaction on your part just proves to them that the narcissist is right about you & may encourage them to continue abusing you.  Change the subject.  Tell them you don’t wish to discuss the narcissist with them.  If they ignore your boundary, tell them this subject isn’t up for debate & if they continue, you will leave/hang up the phone.  Follow through on your threat.  If the flying monkeys approach in other ways such as via email, ignore the email.

If you’re the victim of a smear campaign, ignore it.  Let your true character shine.   I know it hurts when you hear the horrible lies being told about you, & when people you thought cared about you believe them, & I’m sorry for that.  Unfortunately, people are going to believe what they want to believe.  Some people are so determined to be right, they will ignore all evidence to the contrary.  Let them.  Smear campaigns, as painful as they are, are also a good way to find out who your true friends are.  True friends will question the person saying awful things about you & defend you.  Those people are gems that you should thank God for placing them in your life.

Lastly, you will need to release all the anger & hurt the narcissist has caused you once you are away from them or their flying monkeys.  Prayer is incredibly helpful.  Sometimes you may not feel like talking & journaling is a great way to cope during those times.  I think of my journal entries as talking to God in writing since He & I are the only ones who read my journal.  Talk to a safe friend or counselor.  When you’re able to release the negative emotions, be sure to let it all out.  I admit it- I’ve used awful language & called the narcissists in my life terrible names during those times, but it helped me to purge myself of all the awful feelings.  Not once have I felt God judged me for it either.  Not like He hasn’t heard those kinds of things before!

Whatever your situation with the narcissist in your life, Dear Reader, you can handle it.  I believe in you!  xoxo

What Can Happen When Ending A Relationship With A Narcissist

When a relationship ends, the average person is sad for some time.  They may fondly remember special times with the other person or great conversations.  They miss such things, but in time, they’re ok.  They move on & get involved in other relationships.  This is a healthy way to cope, because it allows a person to heal.

Nothing like this happens with narcissists.

Narcissists are incapable of truly loving.  Because of this, a relationship that has ended doesn’t affect them in the same way as it affects your average person..  They don’t miss the person they love, but instead, they miss their favorite source of narcissistic supply.  This is why they act differently than functional people when a relationship ends.  Narcissistic supply is like a drug to them.  When a relationship ends, they’re losing their “fix”, if you will.  That isn’t an easy thing for any addict to handle.

To start with, narcissists don’t usually understand why someone ends a relationship with them.  To understand, they would need at least some empathy, which most people know is something that all narcissists lack.  They don’t understand why their ex would object to them cheating, why that former friend complained that they took advantage of their good nature, or why their adult child was hurt when they cut their child out of the will for simply telling the parent, “no.”  Narcissists are incapable of grasping such concepts.  In their minds, they’re entitled to whatever they want.  Besides, the behavior didn’t hurt them, so it isn’t important to them.  If it had hurt them, they’d change their behavior at the speed of sound.  Since it didn’t though, they are left baffled why their partner, friend or child ended the relationship. What the other person wanted or felt wasn’t so much as a blip on their radar.  All that matters to a narcissist is what they want, which usually boils down to their precious narcissistic supply.  Since the wants of the narcissist & victim are vastly different & the victim’s are not even considered by the narcissist, usually the end of a relationship catches them by surprise.  Their victims often warn them for months or even years in advance that they won’t tolerate the abuse forever, yet still, narcissists are shocked when someone ends a relationship with them.

Narcissists also don’t like rejection.  No one does, of course, but narcissists are infuriated by it.  Rejection is a narcissistic injury.  It makes them feel badly about themselves, so the person who rejected them must pay for making them feel that way.  Rather than walk away from the failed relationship with some semblance of dignity, most narcissists opt for revenge.  Overt narcissists often harass & stalk their victim, & get their flying monkeys in on the process as well.  They also will unleash a very impressive smear campaign, lying about the victim being the cause for the failure of the relationship because of being selfish, crazy, controlling & even abusive.  This often isolates the victim from friends & even family who believe the lies.  Covert narcissists are much less likely to harass & stalk their victim, since they prefer to look like a good person, but some will or have their flying monkeys do their dirty work for them.  They also don’t have any trouble creating a smear campaign, but it is much different than their overt counterparts.  Rather than say outright their victim is crazy & abusive, they phrase their smear campaign in a way so as not to sound critical, but concerned instead.  They may say something along the lines of, “I’m not surprised my ex left me.  She got so mean when she took drugs.  She just wasn’t herself.  I hope she’ll be ok…”  See how this smear is?  It makes the person saying these things sound concerned & as if he isn’t trying to destroy the reputation of his ex girlfriend.  People will believe this type of smear campaign very easily, even if they know the ex in question & know she never took drugs.

There is also the likelihood of the narcissist trying to “hoover” the victim back into the relationship.  When this happens, the narcissist may do their best to make the victim believe they have changed.  They may make promises that they have no intention of keeping such as they won’t do whatever the victim complained about anymore.  Some other empty promises are if the victim would only take the narcissist back, he or she will be faithful, they’ll be less selfish, they’ll think more of their victim’s needs.  The narcissist also may shower the victim with expensive gifts or love letters.  They may send their flying monkeys to tell the victim how miserable they are without the victim, & how desperately they want to resume the relationship.  This is a tough one, I know.  When I first broke up with my now ex husband, it seemed like everyone we knew was telling me how sad he was, how miserable he was, how much he missed me & how I really should get back together with him.  I felt so incredibly guilty at that time that I agreed not only to return to him but to marry him after only a short time apart.

Sometimes, narcissists fall into depression after a relationship ends, too.  They have no coping skills & aren’t fully aware of their emotions, plus they just lost their narcissistic supply.  It’s normal they wouldn’t handle any break up well when you consider these facts.  This can be so hard for the person who ended the relationship.  When people tell you how sad this person is or he says he doesn’t want to live without you, it can be incredibly hard to take.  It can make you feel incredibly guilty & responsible, which is truly unfair.

If you experience these things after ending a relationship with a narcissist, I urge you to remember that the narcissist is acting this way not out of a genuine & healthy love for you, but because he or she is a narcissist.  They are incredibly dysfunctional people.  You stick to no contact, & remind yourself often exactly why you came to that decision.  Write things down if it helps, since writing can be an incredibly useful tool.  Also remember that person’s emotions aren’t your responsibility.   Don’t forget to document everything in case you need to involve the law at some point.  Even if you don’t, the documentation will help you a great deal to remember why you’re no contact.  It’ll also help you to see the way this person tries to manipulate you.  And, if the narcissist creates a smear campaign against you, never, ever react to it.  Any reaction would give this person narcissistic supply, so you deprive this person of that supply.  In time, he or she will get bored with your lack of reaction & give up the smearing.  Lastly, if the narcissist sends the flying monkeys after you, remember that few are truly innocent people who are fooled by the narcissist.  Most are also narcissists, I believe.  Treat them accordingly.  Remember to tell them nothing that you would object to the original narcissist knowing, in particular anything about the original narcissist.  Chances are the flying monkey will share everything you say with that person, so give them no material to work with.  Most importantly, pray & lean on God to help you get through this.  He truly will help you!

How To Prevent A Narcissist From Wanting To Resume The Relationship With You

Severing ties with a narcissist is never easy.  Not only due to the simple fact that ending any relationship is hard, but also because of the fact they don’t exactly handle this well.  While no one likes to have someone end a relationship with them, it can become devastating to a narcissist.  They will do about anything to get their victim to return to the relationship, often only so they can later discard their victim on their terms.  This article will help you to avoid behaviors that can encourage a narcissist to want you back.

Naturally, do your best to avoid any interaction whatsoever with the narcissist after no contact.  Narcissists don’t think like normal people, obviously, so they are prone to taking any interaction after no contact as a sign the relationship has been resumed.  Take away their hope in that area if at all possible.

Sometimes even when doing your best to avoid a narcissist, they find ways to interject themselves into your life.  One way they do this is by stalking & harassing their victims.  They inundate victims with constant phone calls, text messages, social media messages & even postal mail.  Or, they may show up places they know you frequent such as your favorite coffee shop.  This can be incredibly unnerving.  I’ve been on the receiving end of such behavior from two narcissists in my life, & I found it terrifying.  I also learned that narcissists often know stalking & harassment laws well, so they stay just barely legal.  This means getting a restraining order is very difficult, if not impossible.  The most effective ways I know how to handle such behavior are never to respond to anything they send you & to block the narcissist at every pass.  Granted, he or she probably will find ways around your blocks, such as creating new email addresses or social media accounts, but block them too.  Keep blocking.  If they have flying monkeys who tell you to talk to them, block them too.  Do NOT engage either the narcissist or the flying monkey at all.  Ever!

If you can’t avoid the narcissist completely, always remember the Gray Rock method.  In other words, provide zero narcissistic supply.  You know this person well, so naturally you know what makes him or her happy.  Deprive this person of it.  Provide no praise, no complements, no offers to do things for him or her.  Also share absolutely no personal information about yourself.  If she asks what you’re doing later, say you have plans & leave it at that.  How is your job going?  “Fine.”  One or two word answers are the best.

Show no emotions to this person.  You aren’t happy, sad, angry… anything.  You are completely neutral in his or her presence.  Emotions feed narcissists.  If you’re happy, they can destroy it so you’re as miserable as they are.  If they make you sad or angry, they feel powerful, so they’ll do that thing again to get their “high”.  Deprive them of that feeding.

Show no remorse for anything you have done, including no contact.  If you show you feel any sadness, guilt, or regrets, the narcissist will pounce on you like a hungry lion.

Do not give in to anything the narcissist tries to make you do.  I don’t care if it’s something silly like passing them the salt shaker over lunch, don’t do it if it can be avoided.  If not, do it perfunctorily.

By doing these things, you are essentially making yourself very unattractive to the narcissist in your life.  They want people who will prop up their egos, blindly obey them & make them the center of their world.  People who refuse to do such things are of no use to a narcissist, so a narcissist will leave them alone.

What To Expect From A Narcissist After Going No Contact

Narcissists are an incredibly difficult bunch.  Usually, the best way to deal with them is not to deal with them.  You see it everywhere, “Go no contact.”  Sadly, that often is the only solution victims face if they want to protect themselves from the vile narcissistic abuse.  However, severing ties with a narcissist is often very complex, & the problems don’t end just because you told this person you want him or her out of your life.

Narcissists don’t exactly handle rejection well, in any form.  Many narcissists will lash out in all kinds of ways when their victim ends their relationship.

The smear campaign may be the most common tactic narcissists use after someone as ended a relationship with them.  They tell everyone what a terrible person the victim is, how unreasonable, crazy & yes, even abusive the victim is.  Overt narcissists most likely will use those words, but covert narcissists are much more discreet.  Rather than say something obviously bad, they disguise their insult under a veil of concern.  This way, they not only get to insult the other person, but people think they are kind for caring about someone who obviously was so mean to them.  For example, they won’t say, “She’s crazy.”  Instead, they may say something like, “Poor Sue.. I worry about her mental health.  Things were getting really bad before she left me, & when she left, she didn’t even tell me what the problem was.”

Narcissists also may try to lure their victim back into the relationship.  They try to accomplish this in various ways.  One way is what is known as love bombing.  The narcissist will inundate the victim with gifts, promises of change, sweet words pledging their undying love & more.  This can be very difficult for a victim to resist, because the narcissist appears to have changed back into the good person the victim thought he or she once was.  It’s very important to remember that this is most likely nothing but a ploy!  Narcissists rarely see the error of their ways & improve their behavior.  If this is happening to you & you’re wondering if the narcissist has changed, seriously examine their behavior.  The narcissist should admit their behavior was wrong & accept responsibility for what they have done.  They shouldn’t make excuses or blame you or anyone for what they did to you.  They should be willing to do whatever it takes to gain your trust back, & be willing to wait as long as it takes to do that.

Another common ploy of narcissists is to stalk &/or harass a victim.  If they can’t lure a victim back with sweet words & fake promises, narcissists aren’t above trying to wear down or scare a victim into coming back to them.  They will overwhelm a victim with calls, texts, cards, letters, & social media messages.  They may show up at places they know their victim frequents such as a favorite coffee shop or at work.  The volume of their contact can be absolutely overwhelming & even terrifying.  It’s no wonder many victims return to a narcissist at this point.  Unfortunately, that is the biggest mistake a person can make, however!  If this happens in your situation, ignore all contact.  Block the narcissist’s phone number, email & social media accounts.  When he or she creates a new one to contact you, block that one too.  Keep blocking!

Lastly, another common ploy narcissists implement after a victim has gone no contact with them is their beloved flying monkeys.  They send their wicked minions to talk to you on their behalf, to “talk sense” into you about how you should return to the narcissist.  After all, she misses you so much, or he doesn’t mean those things he says- it’s just how he is.  The best way to handle this situation is to refuse to discuss the narcissist in any capacity with this person.  Flying monkeys are only loyal to their narcissist, not you.  They don’t care how miserable the narcissist makes you, so this means they aren’t worth listening to.

Whatever the narcissist is doing to you after you implement no contact, I truly wish you the best.  You can handle this situation.  God will get you through it!

About Harassment & Stalking

Why Do Narcissistic Parents Side With Their Child’s Abuser?

My mother hated my ex husband from the moment she first saw him.  She barely tolerated him after we got married… until he hit me.  At that time, my mother saw me injured a couple of days after, with my ex’s hand prints still bruised on my wrists.  She told my father she couldn’t imagine what I’d done to him to make him hurt me.  Months later, I learned my parents saw my ex around town & were friendly with him.  Around 18 years later, my mother called one day & said my father told her my ex hit me.  She asked if this was true.  I said yes.  She told me how if she would’ve known, she would’ve contacted a lawyer & pursued it.  I also realized during this conversation that seeing me battered meant nothing to my mother, & she forgot it happened.

Sadly, my story is not unique.  Narcissistic parents often side with their child’s abuser.  The facts don’t matter.  According to narcissistic parents, the abuser is right & their child is wrong.  This behavior can be one of the most painful & baffling of the many abusive behaviors of a narcissist.

I have some clues as to why narcissistic parents behave in this manner.

When someone upstages a narcissist in any way, it’s bad in the narcissist’s eyes.  People pity another person covered in bruises or wearing a cast, which means there is less attention for the narcissist.  To a narcissist, this means that person should be punished, & what better way to punish someone than to side with the person who hurt them?

If their child doesn’t have physical evidence of abuse, their parent doesn’t believe them.  Narcissists lie & assume everyone else does.  It’s projection.  So unless their child has evidence of abuse, their parent won’t  even believe they were abused.

Narcissists believe they are the only ones worthy of attention, so when another person, in particular their “lowly” child gets attention, they get angry.  With narcissists, any attention is good attention.  All they see is someone got attention that they didn’t get, & that makes that person bad.

Narcissists don’t want to accept that abuse is wrong, because then they would be wrong.  Rather than face truth, it’s better in a narcissist’s mind to normalize abuse & make the victim bad.

If the abuser was the other parent, making the abuse ok means it was  also ok that they didn’t protect their child.  Remember, with narcissists, everything is about them.  If they can spin your trauma around to how hard it was on them, denying knowing it happened, or denying it happened at all, it makes their lack of protecting their child acceptable.

The abuser is someone a narcissist admires & they’re afraid the victim will make them look bad.  Narcissists care what people other than their victim think of them & certain people’s opinions they value above all else.  If that person hurts their child, their primary concern is still how that person sees them.  As an example, my mother believed my in-laws’ were a big happy family.  When I told my parents my mother in-law was abusive, even siting examples, my mother didn’t believe me.  Until our relationship ended, my mother asked my husband often how his mother was, sent his parents Christmas cards, then bragged to me about sending them cards.

Jealousy is another reason narcissistic parents side with abusers.  In cases where a narcissist’s adult child is being stalked &/or harassed, most narcissists act like the abuser really must love their child rather than realizing the abuser has serious control issues.  This makes them jealous.

Narcissistic parents are often lazy.  Just because they have a child doesn’t mean they want to parent.  They get angry if they have to care for their child, & take the focus off of them for any length of time.

Covert narcissistic parents like to rescue their child.  Coverts gain narcissistic supply from appearing good & kind, so if they can wait until their child is terribly abused, then rescue him or her in some way, it’s  supply to them.

Whatever the reasoning, remember when your narcissistic parent sides with someone who has hurt or abused you, it is just more evidence that your parent is the one with the problem, NOT you!  Normal people don’t side with abusers over victims!  xoxo

About Harassment & Stalking

I really don’t think there are a lot of people who understand the depths of depravity that it takes for someone to harass & even stalk their victims.  Not so long ago, if a person broke up with their significant other, & that person stalked them, it was thought of as almost romantic.  “See how much that person loves you?  They won’t leave you alone- that is love!”  The same sort of mentality was in place if it’s a friendship that ended.  “That friend must really care about you if s/he won’t take no for an answer!”

 

The truth is though, there is nothing loving & romantic about stalkers & harassers.  They don’t love their victims.  They love having control over their victims & even the narcissistic supply they may get from them, but they do NOT love their victims!

 

People like this are incredibly dangerous, as was proven here in Maryland recently.  By now if you’re in the USA, I’m sure you heard about the shooter at the Capital Gazette newspaper building in Annapolis.  If not, here is one article on the topic:  https://patch.com/maryland/severnapark/s/ggidf/accused-newspaper-gunmans-rampage-was-almost-8-years-making?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_term=police+%26+fire&utm_campaign=autopost&utm_content=severnapark

 

Apparently this person who murdered innocent people in cold blood started out harassing someone.  His behavior escalated & ended up in mass murder.

 

People who stalk & harass victims are NOT mentally stable!  Something clearly must be wrong with them to think that behavior is acceptable in the first place.  Obviously they have narcissistic tendencies at the very least to be so convinced that what they want matters more than the fact they’re terrifying & making their victims miserable, although I’m sure many are malignant narcissists or even sociopaths.

 

If you are in the position of being harassed or even stalked, please, PLEASE be careful!  Never underestimate the person harassing or stalking you.  Granted, most do not go as far as the man in this article did, but some do.  You don’t know for sure that the person abusing you will or won’t become so violent.

 

Being stalked & harassed is terrifying, & you have every right to feel afraid!  I’ve been through it twice & no one thought it was a big deal aside from me.  They couldn’t seem to understand why I lived in terror wondering what was next?  What were these people capable of doing to me?  No doubt you feel the same way.  Do NOT let anyone convince you it’s no big deal, or the person doesn’t mean any harm.  Maybe they don’t mean any harm other than to scare you as revenge for severing ties with them.  However, maybe they do mean to harm you.  You don’t know so don’t trust the person at all!

 

Ignore this person at all costs.  Any acknowledgment you give them, they may take as a sign the relationship is back on.

 

Do not believe them if they say they just want to talk or to apologize.  That is said just to lure you back into their dysfunctional web.

 

Look into laws for harassment & stalking in your state.  Talk to the local police, too.  Make sure you know what laws are in place & what you can do to protect yourself.

 

Use wisdom when & if bringing the law into the situation.  Some people aren’t going to be stopped by a restraining order.  In fact, some may get more vicious or violent.  If you aren’t sure what to do, pray & listen to what God tells you is best in your situation.

 

Document EVERYTHING!  Save voicemail messages, texts, messages & emails.  Save all documentation on a cloud storage service or email them to yourself, saving them on your email server.  Phones & computers die, & you don’t want to lose your evidence!

 

Block every possible means of communication this person can use to contact you.  Change your phone number & change your name on social media.  Chances are, they will find ways around your blocks, so keep blocking them.

 

Tell people in your life what is happening.  Make sure plenty of people know that this person is harassing you & plenty of details about the situation.  It can’t hurt to have other people being able to confirm your story to law enforcement if it comes to that.

 

If the person abusing you comes to your home, a home security system or at least outdoor cameras may be an excellent investment.  Many outdoor cameras connect to your cell phone & record video that is stored on a cloud server.

 

Don’t go out alone if you can help it.  Many stalkers aren’t going to bother you if you aren’t alone.  Also, if you have a pet, don’t let your pet outside alone.  Better safe than sorry!

 

And remember, it may get worse before it gets better.  With any luck, your stalker will get bored that you’ve been ignoring him/her & move on.  Prior to moving on though, they will step up the activity.  You may get even more emails or phone calls.  Keep ignoring them.  Do NOT give this person the time of day!  Remember they are just trying to get your attention.  Refuse to give it to them!  If you do, they will draw you back in & things will be even worse than before you ended the relationship.  Ignore, ignore, ignore!!

 

I pray you’re never in this type of situation, but if you are, Dear Reader, stay safe.  God bless you!  xoxo

 

What Happens When You Go No Contact Before The Narcissist Can Discard You

Narcissists, as we all know, are all about procuring narcissistic supply.  Anything or anyone that props up their self-esteem is a good thing.  Naturally this also means that anything or anyone that damages their self-esteem is a foul, evil thing deserving of the most intense hatred imaginable due to the narcissistic injury it caused.

 

Ending a relationship with a narcissist is possibly the most grievous of narcissistic injuries.  Even when a person isn’t a narcissist, it hurts when someone ends the relationship they had with you.  You grieve & move on in time.  Not so with narcissists.  There is nothing normal about them, especially when it comes to someone ending a relationship with them.

 

Narcissists see this as the person being ungrateful, selfish, wrong, stupid & more.  They don’t see that their actions forced the person to sever ties with them- they only see that you were unreasonable & cruel to them, & should be punished.

 

Many awful things can take place once a victim leaves a narcissist.  You need to be prepared for these likely scenarios.

 

Being fake.  Don’t fall for the good guy/girl act- the narcissist is only being nice in an attempt to lure you back into relationship.  If you go back, the niceness won’t last long.  That apology?  Was it really sincere or  a fake apology?  “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  “I’m sorry for whatever you think I did.”  “I’m sorry I did that but you made me act that way when you…” are not real apologies!  Genuine apologies show the person accepts responsibility for their actions.  They show the person apologizing is remorseful & wants to make it up to you if possible.  They don’t make excuses.

 

Harassment or stalking.  Narcissists love to stalk & harass.  They may drive past your home constantly, show up at places you frequent, or bully you online or through texts.  Even if you block their email or cell phone number, they often find ways around your boundaries just to prove they’re in control.  I was harassed by a narcissist for several years.  Early on, I blocked her home IP address from accessing my website, & she used another computer to copy an article on there I wrote about forgiveness & email it to me.  Talk about unsettling!  It showed me how determined this person was to let me know she would do whatever she wanted, no matter what I wanted or didn’t want.

 

Unfortunately in most states, laws haven’t caught up to cyberstalking, so your legal recourse may be limited.  Even with stalking in real life, it can be hard to prove sometimes.  Whether you can get the law involved or not, document EVERYTHING.  It’s always good to have that documentation in case you need it to prove a pattern of behavior.  Save texts, emails or screen shots in a safe place, like an online storage cloud.  Computers & cell phones die, & you don’t want all your documentation to be lost.

 

Smear campaign.  Always a favorite tool of narcissists, is the smear campaign.  You doing so means they may be exposed for the evil monster that they are, so they need to do something to prevent that from happening.  If they can convince other people that you are mentally unbalanced, a drug addict, or vengeful, the chances of people believing them over you are much greater.  Especially so if things are said in the guise of concern.  “I worry about her.. she does some pretty heavy drugs yanno…”

 

There really isn’t anything to do about a smear campaign.  If you defend yourself, chances are the person you’re speaking with will think that is proof that the narcissist is right.  You really are crazy, on drugs, etc.  The best thing you can do is allow your character to show.  You go on being the good person you are.  Those who believe the narcissist really aren’t your friends anyway.  True friends don’t blindly believe bad things about their friends no matter who says them.

 

Flying monkeys/triangulation.  Another favorite tool of narcissists is getting other people to do their dirty work for them.  This provides a potential for a double dose of narcissistic supply.  Getting someone to do as the narcissist commands is always good, but getting them to get someone else to do the narcissist’s will?  Amazing!

 

Resist the attempts to manipulate you back into relationship with the narcissist.  Refuse to discuss the narcissist with this person.  Change the subject when they discuss this person, repeatedly & even rudely if need be.  You may find out this person is extremely devoted to the narcissist, & you need to end that relationship as well.  Unfortunately, it happens often.

When Narcissists Don’t Leave Victims Alone

When a person cuts a narcissist out of their life, no matter if the relationship is romantic, a relative, a parent or a friend, many times, that narcissist will harass or stalk that victim for months or even years.  They relentlessly call, text, email, drive past the victim’s house, stalk the victim online, & send flying monkeys to pressure the victim into resuming the relationship.  While this may not sound all that bad, I can tell you from personal experience, it is REALLY bad.

 

When you are constantly bombarded by someone who is trying to get you to talk to them & you don’t want to, or told how horrible you are for not talking to them, it’s painful.  It’s also scary because you don’t know where the person will come from next.  This creates a state of hyper vigilance.  Each day when you wake up, you wonder what the person has planned for you on that day.  Will this person fill your inbox with angry emails?  Will you have to change your phone number yet again?  Will that person kill you?  That may sound like a big leap, but I can tell you that when someone inundates you with abuse, you really wonder how far away that person is from killing you.

 

And, when the abuse stops, you don’t trust it.  You wonder how long before it starts up again?  When will the other shoe drop?  Did that person hear about something that happened in your life & will they resume harassing you because of it?  To date, I’ve been harassed since 2013 by a narcissist.  I haven’t heard anything from her since October, 2017 when she used the opportunity of my father dying as an excuse to email me to tell me I was a narcissist.  Yet, even though here we are, over four months later & I don’t believe that was the last I’ll hear of this person.  She may read this post, realize I’m talking about her & start up again for all I know.  It’s happened before.

 

I am far from the only person that this sort of thing has happened to.  Many others have experienced long term stalking & harassment by their narcissist after they initiated no contact.  One thing we all have in common is wondering why has this happened?

 

I firmly believe the reason that narcissists react this way boils down to narcissistic injury.  It’s painful for anyone when another person ends a relationship with them, but that pain is greatly intensified when the person is a narcissist.  Narcissists rely on others to make them feel good about themselves so they can gain narcissistic supply.  Any little thing can make them feel smart, strong or attractive.  If someone says, “That’s a good idea” to a narcissist, they take that as they are exceptionally smart whereas the average person would thank the person for saying it & simply go on with their day.

 

On the opposite side of the same coin though, any little thing can make them feel badly about themselves, or cause a narcissistic injury.  If a narcissist’s friend was recently dumped by a new love interest, & while upset, is short with the narcissist, the narcissist takes it personally.  The narcissist may even end that friendship.  Most people wouldn’t respond that way.  They would realize the friend isn’t attacking or being abusive- the friend is upset & spoke out of that upset.  If a small thing like that can cause a narcissistic injury, then doesn’t it just make sense that ending a relationship would cause a much greater injury & naturally much greater reaction to it?

 

Also, narcissists want to be the ones in control, including being the ones who end relationships.  If you end the relationship, this takes away their control.  Now you have someone who has lost control AND a relationship that they weren’t ready to end.

 

In addition, most victims have been in the relationship for at least a little while.  Narcissists expect their victims to continue tolerating abuse indefinitely.  It seems to shock them when that doesn’t happen, & a victim stands up for him or her self.

 

All of these things combine for a perfect storm of rage inside the narcissist.  Once that rage kicks in, nothing can stop it & whoever they feel is to blame for that rage must pay.

 

If you find yourself in the unenviable position of being on the receiving end of a narcissist’s stalking & harassment, you must protect yourself!  Never, ever underestimate one of these raging narcissists.  Don’t make the mistake of brushing off their awful behavior & thinking it’s no big deal.  Maybe it isn’t a big deal & maybe they’ll leave you alone soon, but maybe it’ll become a bigger deal & they won’t leave you alone.

 

Look into the stalking & harassment laws in your state.  Get familiar with them, so you know when you can get the police involved if need be.

 

Document EVERYTHING.  Hopefully, you won’t need it, but if you do, you’ll be glad you saved it. Even if the narcissist’s behavior wasn’t always illegal, just mean spirited, that still can work in your favor with law enforcement, because it shows a history of bad behavior.  Save screen shots, texts, emails, etc on cloud storage or email them to yourself, saving them on your email provider.  Phones & computers die, so saving things elsewhere means they are there forever.

 

Do NOT interact with the narcissist.  This is tough, because you want to just rip that person apart & tell them exactly what you think of them for all they have done to you.  That would be a horrible mistake though!  Do you realize how much narcissistic supply that would give this person?  The narcissist would then be the victim, in her mind, & you the abuser.  She could tell people how mean you were & for no good reason.  Or, if you said anything to the narcissist in front of others, it would just prove her case that you are the real problem, the abuser, or even crazy.  Plus, since the narcissist could get this reaction out of you, she would do whatever she could to get it again & again, to gain more supply.   As difficult as it is, deprive them of the supply.  Give them absolutely NO reaction or response unless it is through the police.  If you decide to get the police involved, pray & seriously consider it before you do.

 

I know it’s hard, Dear Reader but you will get through this!  xoxo

When Narcissistic Rage Turns Especially Vicious

As open as I try to be about my experience with narcissists, I have kept a few things private, partly due to the fact I haven’t felt the timing was right to discuss them.  One of those things I feel it’s time to discuss it in the hopes this story will help some of you.

 

Several years ago, I was pretty close with someone.  As time wore on, I began to see some signs that she was a narcissist.  I wasn’t sure how to deal with the situation.  We knew many of the same people, & every single one thought so well of her.  I knew it’d be miserable for me when I went no contact with her because of them telling me what a great person she is, etc.  I also knew her well enough to know if I went no contact, she would do her best to make my life miserable.

 

I began to pull away some, to help me think of how to handle things & to implement the Gray Rock method (basically, providing her no narcissistic supply so she got bored with me).  During this time, something happened that ended our friendship.

 

I did something she didn’t approve of & she felt I tried to make her look bad when that wasn’t the case.  She immediately unfriended me on Facebook, then tried to re-friend me.  We exchanged a couple of messages, then I refused her friend’s request & blocked her.  She tried contacting me via other means.  She emailed, texted & tried reaching me via all sorts of social media.  She left bad reviews for two of my books on amazon & on my website.  When I blocked her from accessing my website, she used another person’s computer to access it.  She copied an article I wrote on forgiveness & pasted it into an email she sent me.  It gave me the chills.. I felt she was saying not only that I needed to forgive her, but also that I couldn’t stop her from accessing me if she wanted to.  NOT normal behavior!

 

During the early stages of this, I only told my husband & one other person we both knew about the situation.  I was sure if I told others who told her what I said about her, she would get even angrier at me.  I could imagine her saying I was lying or trying to ruin her relationships or something like that.  I finally talked to the police, & unfortunately in my state, she didn’t technically break the law with her harassment.  That meant there was nothing I could do legally.

 

Meanwhile, I was afraid she’d show up at my home one day, even though she lived about three hours away.  She seemed clearly mentally unbalanced to me, judging by her behavior.  My husband said she wouldn’t go that far.  The mutual friend of ours said the same, & that she’s just hurt- she’ll get bored & leave me be soon.

 

This harassment went on constantly for well over a year, then died down gradually.  It’s been four years since it started.  Recently, this person did more things.

 

Unfortunately, this type of behavior is very common among narcissists.

 

When you decide to go no contact or have an argument with a narcissist, you too may be on the receiving end of a narcissistic rage.  If this happens, you need to be prepared for it.

 

Possibly the most common tool used by narcissists in a rage is flying monkeys.   (If you click on the link in the previous sentence, it’ll take you to a helpful post I wrote on the topic.)  Sometimes though, when the narcissist knows she’s wrong, she won’t use them, like in my situation.  There really wasn’t a way to spin the situation I was in around to where she looked like the victim, so people might not be on her side.  She had to handle the situation herself.  When this happens, it can be really bad, as you saw from my story.

 

If you’re in a situation similar to mine, you need to protect yourself.  Talk to your local police.  Stalking laws vary from place to place, & you need to find out if your narcissist has broken the law.

 

Document every single thing.  Save voicemail messages.  Take screenshots.  Save emails & texts, preferably by emailing them to yourself & save them on your ISP or cloud storage to protect yourself against computer or phone crashes.  Even if your narcissist hasn’t broken the law, she may at some point.  Then, you will have evidence of her bad behavior to show the police & that can help your case.  Personally I have TONS of evidence in case it’s ever needed.

 

Ignore, ignore, ignore!  I know this is hard.  I wanted to confront my narcissist & tell her to leave me alone countless times.  However, a narcissist will take confronting as proof that she is scaring or upsetting you- that will encourage her to do what she’s doing even more.  Never let her know if you feel afraid or upset.  Ignore her completely whenever possible.  If she knocks on your door, don’t answer even if she knows you’re home.  Post “no trespassing” signs on your land. Don’t take her calls or respond to emails or texts.

 

Think about the people you have in common.  If you’re not 1,000% sure they will be on your side & keep what you say to themselves, don’t tell them about her actions.  The last thing you need is someone telling the narcissist you’re talking about her.  That will be a narcissistic injury.  She’ll take it as you talking badly about her & for no reason.  That will add to her rage & make her behavior even worse.

 

Narcissists can be very dangerous people, so never, ever underestimate them.  They may present themselves as harmless, but they’re not.  I never expected the one in my story capable of harassing me for so long.  Look how wrong I was!

 

Most of all, pray.  As God for wisdom on how to handle this difficult situation.  Ask Him for strength & courage, as well as protection for you, your family, your home, your job.. anything & everything you can think of.  Trust in Him to keep you safe & help you to survive this situation.  He truly will!

Stalking & Harassment

Have you experienced a stalker?  Someone harassing you for months or even years on end?  If so, you’re not alone.

 

It’s estimated that 3.4 million people report being victims of stalking each year (according to the U.S. Department of Justice’s Bureau of Justice Statistics.), & that is only the reported cases.  Chances are the real number of stalking victims is much higher as many victims either don’t want to report it or are told they don’t have a case, which means a report is never made.  Personally, I’ve experienced stalking twice.  The first time, the policeman actually laughed at me when I tried to report it.  The second time, the policeman was much kinder, but said that there was nothing that could be done from a legal standpoint as this person’s behavior stayed just barely legal.

 

Although the laws have improved, they still haven’t entirely caught up with reality, which means there isn’t usually much that can be done to protect ourselves from a legal perspective.  We’re forced to seek other means of self-protection, as frustrating as that can be.

 

What can a victim do to protect himself or herself?

 

One thing I’ve realized is these people tend to be narcissists.  They think their wants & needs rise above anything & everything else.  They also think they’re above the law- they are so smart, they can harass you & stay legal.   They also seem to think if they just push hard enough, you’ll cave, & see that you should be in a relationship with them.  You’ll see how much they care about you by them harassing you!  I think some stalkers who have been romantically involved with their victims even think it’s romantic.  See how much they love you?  They just can’t let you go!  They can’t live without you!   Amazingly dysfunctional,  I know, but this is often their mindset.

 

Keeping in mind stalkers are often narcissists, you need to remember- narcissists are constantly in search of their precious narcissistic supply, which basically means any attention is good attention as far as they’re concerned.  Good or bad attention, love them or hate them, they’ll take any attention or emotion they can get.

 

The best way to counteract a narcissistic stalker is to ignore them.  They can handle any positive or negative emotion you feel, but they simply cannot handle apathy.

 

Show a narcissist they don’t mean anything to you, act like they don’t even exist, & that you aren’t afraid of them, & they will be completely frazzled.  They won’t know what to do!  I know this can be very frustrating to do.  When someone is stalking & harassing you, you can’t help but want to tell them to get lost (putting that nicely) at some point.  However, doing so will only make things worse.  Ignore them no matter what!  Even if you see them in a public place,  ignore them!  Yes it’s hard, but at some point, most narcissists will quit bothering you & find another target.

 

Another thing you can do is document everything.  Take pictures.  Save emails & texts.  Take screen shots (hit that “prt scr” button on your keyboard, open Microsoft Paint or any picture editor & paste into a document.  Instructions for android & iphones are available online.).  Save every electronic document somewhere that can’t be destroyed.  External hard drives die.  CD’s break or become corrupt.  Flash drives can be lost.  An online cloud service is an excellent alternative.

 

Block your stalker electronically every way possible.  Block them on social media, block their email, block their phone number.  Granted, if they want to reach you badly enough, they can create other social media profiles, email addresses or spoof their phone number, but at least you can make reaching you a real challenge.  Then block the new profile, email or phone number.  Keep blocking!

 

Share your story with close friends or family who believe what you are going through.  It certainly can’t hurt to have others know what is happening.

 

Stay on your toes.  If you can, don’t go out alone.  Stalkers are often nothing but bullies which means they’re cowards.  Having others around you lessens your chances of them bothering you.

 

Put “no trespassing” signs on your property where they can be seen very clearly.  Here in Maryland, if someone trespasses in spite of your sign, you can call the police to escort this person off your property.  Having a police record of this person’s actions will work in your favor.  I would guess this works in other states as well- it’s best to check into your own local laws however.

 

Lastly, if this stalker knows your friends & family, you need to be prepared- they are often quite capable of turning people against you.  As ridiculous as it sounds, many stalkers are great actors (typical narcissistic behavior), & convince others that you are the one with the problem.  The stalker probably says that he or she loves you & is just trying to win you back or be your friend.  The stalker is the innocent victim- you’re the one with the problem.  She/he has no idea why you’re being so mean & unreasonable- all the stalker wants to do is talk or apologize.  And sadly, many people naively believe such nonsense because the stalker is just that good of an actor.  I can’t tell you how many people I’ve lost in my life because of my two stalkers.

 

I truly hope that you did not need to read this post, Dear Reader.  Being stalked & harassed is such a nuisance at best & depending on the person, can be very scary at worst.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  If you are in this situation, then I hope my post can help you to manage this situation.  My prayer is that anyone reading this article will be kept safe & their stalker will leave them alone permanently.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Going No Contact With A Narcissist

Deciding to end a relationship is not an easy choice, especially when the other person is a narcissist.  After months or years of gaslighting, you doubt your perception, wondering if this is actually a good idea in spite of the glaring evidence that says it is.  Plus, you are well aware how vengeful the narcissist can be, which scares you.  If the narcissist is your parent, there is a whole other area of guilt & “what if’s” that you will experience as well.

Once you end the relationship, the narcissist won’t take it well.  This kind of rejection creates a narcissistic rage, which we all know is never pretty.  Chances are, she will lie to others about you, probably even going so far as to make herself look like your victim.  This may hurt when others believe her lies or cut ties with you, but the thing to remember is those who truly love you won’t believe the lies.  The ones who believe them & abandon you?  You don’t need them in your life anyway.

She also may stalk you, threaten you, or vandalize your property.  The only good part of this is that you can get the police involved.  The law will force this person to leave you alone or face jail time.

Most narcissists, however, think they can outsmart the police.  They think they are too smart to do something obvious as slashing your tires, for example.  Instead, they take the most cowardly route to harassing you, & do it via text message, email or social media.  Vague social media posts referring to “someone” doing “something mean” to them are a favorite, because they offer deniability.  “I wasn’t talking about you!”  “You read too much into things!”  Bonus- if you believe it was about you, they believe they can make you think you are going crazy.

As annoying as these childish behaviors can be, the best way to handle them is to simply ignore them.  If you think it’s impossible, I beg to differ!  I’ve found it to be surprisingly easy, keeping some things in mind…

Always remember, vengeance belongs to God, not you.  Someone trying to hurt you angers God, & He is a protective father.  Let Him deal with the problem & He will do a much better job than you ever could.

This person wants to be sure you think about her as much as she thinks about you, which is why she is harassing you.  Don’t you have better things to do with your time than to think about someone so dysfunctional & evil?

The narcissist isn’t worth it.  Why waste your peace of mind & joy focusing on someone like that?  Ignore the person & enjoy your life.  Life is too short to waste on such useless matters.

Responding in any way provides her with narcissistic supply.  Refuse to provide it in any way, shape or form.  Providing supply by acknowledging her actions or getting angry with her only fuels her rage & will escalate her awful behavior.

Narcissists love to use fear & guilt to control their victims.  If you show no fear or guilt, they can’t control you.  Ignoring their actions shows you feel neither.

Narcissists can’t handle apathy.  Love them or hate them, & they are happy.  Pretend they don’t even exist?  Their little heads may explode.  lol  If you do this, eventually they will get bored with trying to win some attention from you & move onto a new supplier.

Lastly, don’t forget to document everything & I mean EVERYTHING.  Save all the emails, texts, social media posts.  Take pictures.  Write down what happened, who was there & when it happened.  If you decide to talk to the police or the narcissist does end up breaking the law or cyberstalking laws change, you will have plenty of evidence to present to the police to show your side of things.  I have saved emails, texts & screen shots from up to two years ago from someone who has been harassing me, & will continue to save them indefinitely.