Being Strong

Being strong has some very dysfunctional connotations that are often admired.  Showing no emotion, not defending yourself to someone abusive & moving on quickly after losing a loved ones are some good examples I can think of that many people think are being strong but are actually very dysfunctional.  Today I thought I’d share things that are real signs of strength & are very healthy as well.

Being vulnerable enough to show & honor your emotions is truly strong.  It is incredibly hard to show vulnerabilities in a world where people can be so judgmental, critical, minimizing & invalidating.  Displaying & also honoring your emotions without apology in spite of the judgment & potential cruelty of other people takes a great deal of strength.

Refusing to tolerate things & people that cause you pain & suffering is another sign of real strength.  Doing so can cause you to lose people in your life that you thought loved & supported you, so doing it in spite of knowing that it may mean people you love will abandon you takes a lot of strength.  I’m specifically thinking of those of us who have ended relationships with our abusive parents with this one.  No matter how they may treat you, many people put all parents on a pedestal, thinking they are all wonderful & loving.  These people clearly think that means you never abandon them because they are your wonderful parents, so if you do, they will have plenty of cruel things to say to you.  Doing what you need to in order to protect yourself takes a lot of strength.

Standing up for what is right takes a great deal of strength.  Doing this means you most likely will face a lot of opposition & judgment.  Doing what is right in the face of that isn’t easy or for the faint of heart, in particular when it is something that can attract a lot of attention. 

Refusing to compromise your morals also takes a lot of strength, especially when doing so could benefit you somehow.  Society as a whole seems to think having good morals are outdated & foolish.  People should just do whatever they want without thoughts to consequences.  Not living that way takes dedication & strength.

Going against what is considered normal takes a lot of strength.  People rarely admire people that are considered abnormal in any way.  Those with a strong faith in God are mocked for being so religious.  People with children claim childless people are selfish.  People who work in the arts are told they don’t have a real job by those who work traditional 9-5 type jobs.  The list goes on & on.  Going against the norm sets you up for lots of criticism from people who lack the courage & strength to do it themselves, so it takes a lot of strength to do what works for you when it goes against the norm.

Facing the ugly truth rather than living in denial by believing comfortable lies also is a sign of great strength.  Honestly, truth isn’t always easy.  Sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier just to deny & ignore painful truth.  Taking the right path by facing truth instead of ignoring it takes a lot of strength & courage.

Being real & genuine instead of fake takes a lot of strength. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to pretend to be whatever other people want you to be since you wouldn’t face the judgment & criticism of other people. But that is no way to live. The world is full of fake & desperately needs some authenticity. Authentic people are what makes the world a better place, not the fake ones. It takes strength to be real in a fake world.

Asking for help absolutely takes a lot of strength.  It is a very humbling experience to ask someone for help of any type, whether it is a physical need, financial or even emotional.  Asking for help knowing you may be rejected takes strength.

If you think about your life & you have done these things, then you are strong!  Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.  Be proud of yourself for your strength!

What It Means To Be Strong

Often when a person experiences the death of someone they love or they open up about abuse in their past, people tell them the same thing, & that thing is how strong they are.  It can be an empowering statement, but more often than not, it isn’t. 

Many people say this when they don’t know what else to say to someone that has suffered trauma & pain.  They usually say it to people who haven’t opened up a lot about what they’re feeling.  In these situations, people assume because someone hasn’t opened up about a lot of what they feel, the person must be coping well with the situation at hand..even when that isn’t the case.

Being told how strong you are also can be a way to gently tell a person to stop talking about their pain.  Your pain has made this person uncomfortable for whatever reason, & they want to stop you from discussing it.  Since they can’t tell you to shut up without appearing like a total jerk, they tell you how strong you are.  While the words, “stop talking about it” aren’t said, something in how “You’re so strong” is said can leave a person feeling as if they shouldn’t discuss their pain. 

Being truly strong in these situations isn’t like what many people think it is.  Real strength isn’t being stoic & going on with your life as if nothing happened after suffering trauma.

Being strong means being real.  Being open about whatever is going on with you, admitting you’re suffering or being more emotional than usual rather than taking the easy way out & pretending all is fine isn’t easy.  It takes a great deal of courage & strength to be that vulnerable!

Being strong means having the strength to face your pain head on & deal with it to the best of your ability.  Many people lack that strength.  They prefer ignoring their pain or pretending bad things never happened to them.  They are the people who do their best to stop others from discussing their pain, because it reminds them of their own pain that they’re too cowardly to face.  Strong people are nothing like that, & should be proud of their strength!

Being strong means crying, being angry, being numb or whatever negative emotion you feel & accepting the emotions without judgment or criticism.  Facing such emotions without judgment & criticism takes a great deal of bravery & strength.  There are not a lot of people who are willing to do that.  The majority of people judge & criticize their emotions very harshly rather than accepting them for what they are & coping with them to the best of their ability.

Being strong means asking others to help you when you’re having one of those days where you feel like you can’t function.  Many people can’t handle when someone is this vulnerable & can be very judgmental & critical. It takes a lot of strength to admit that you’re falling apart right now & need some help knowing an insensitive reaction is a distinct possibility.

All of these feel like the exact opposite of strength at the time they’re happening.  They feel like you’re doing everything society looks down on.  Wallowing in your pain, not letting go of the past, whining, indulging in self pity… yet nothing could be further from the truth!  Doing such things are acts of tremendous strength, especially when you are hurting the worst.  The more pain you’re in, the more strength & bravery it takes just to get out of bed each morning, go to work, eat regular meals & shower.  Being in tremendous pain means each of those normal, little things has become a tremendous burden.  When you can do them, you should be proud of yourself!  When you do the other things I mentioned such as facing your pain in addition to those things, you are proving that you are strong, tough & brave.  I hope you’re very proud of yourself!  You should be!

Are You Trying To Be Stronger Than You Are?

Society values the strangest things anymore.  For example, being busy is admired these days.  Strange thing to admire since being too busy is unhealthy physically & mentally.

It also seems to me a false strength is admired.  What I mean by false strength is when a person feels unable to continue doing something, but goes on anyway.  Like when a loved one dies, the surviving people are expected to just go on like nothing happened.  People seem to think once the funeral is over, their grief should be too.  It’s time to go on with life at that point.  They don’t realize that for most people, that is when their grief really begins.  Or, if a person is physically ill or disabled yet pushes him or herself to the point of extreme pain &/or fatigue, that is admired.

Another type of false strength that seems to be admired in society is going on as if nothing happened after being abused.  “It’s in the past,” “let it go,” “stop wallowing in the past,” “get over it” & other heartless comments are commonly made to abuse survivors.  What many people fail to realize is we want to let it go & get over it, but we can’t.  We have to process things fully before we can truly let things go.

The simple fact is childhood is an extremely important time in a person’s life.  All things, good, bad or indifferent that happen to children make a very deep imprint on them.  Much deeper than on an adult.  When bad things happen to a child, that child carries that into adulthood, possibly even for their entire life.

Many people who suffered child abuse also have PTSD or C-PTSD.  These are disorders where the victim has experienced so much trauma, their brain has physically changed, broken even.  Neither disorder is something that can be shaken off, & they should be taken seriously.  Many, many people with PTSD or C-PTSD have committed suicide & many consider suicide on a regular basis – these are potentially life threatening disorders!

If you too suffer with PTSD or C-PTSD, then I am particularly writing to you, however, I think this article can benefit most anyone.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother, I was told constantly how lazy I was.  This has stuck with me – I still battle feeling lazy constantly even though I’m in my 40’s.  Many other adult children of narcissistic parents I’ve spoken with share similar stories with similar results.  I believe for many of us, this is at the root of this “I always have to be strong & productive” behavior.  As a result, we continue pushing ourselves beyond our physical & mental limits constantly rather than be “lazy” like Mom always said we were.

No matter what the reason, continuing to push yourself beyond your limits isn’t being strong- it’s unwise, because you’re putting your physical & mental health at risk!!

I hope to encourage you today, Dear Reader, to learn to take better care of yourself.  The fact you have made it this far shows you are strong- you have nothing to prove to anyone.  Listen to your body & mind.  If they feel stressed, then it’s time to rest.  There is no shame in resting your body & mind.  Even God rested.  Genesis 2:2 states, “And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.”  (KJV)  In fact, there are also several accounts in the Bible where Jesus took off to be by Himself.  There is NOTHING wrong with rest.  It helps you to renew your strength.  In fact, if you incorporate rest into your life as you need it, you will be stronger.  In 2000 when I was one of my grandmother’s caregivers, she ran me ragged.  Once I stopped being at her beck & call constantly, & started making time to rest & take care of myself, I was better able to take care of her.  (And, with her being a narcissist, I needed every advantage I could get too!  lol)

If you truly want to be strong, practice self care & abandon pushing yourself too hard!  It really does make a difference!

Even Strong People Have Needs

I’ve always been a strong person.  In fact, the night of my first nervous breakdown, thanks to my mother’s verbal attack, I didn’t sleep at all, then went to work the following morning.  That’s pretty strong!

 

As the years have passed, I developed C-PTSD that left me much less able to cope.  Three years after that, I got a brain injury from passing out from carbon monoxide & hitting my head.  The TBI changed me a great deal.  One of those changes is I’m no longer the strong chick I once was.  I get overwhelmed by the tiniest things, such as having to change my daily routine.  And, if I’m already stressed, it gets even worse.

 

I’m still getting used to not being strong anymore.  I’ve noticed though, that people around me haven’t seemed to notice the change.  People still think I’m able to handle pretty much anything which isn’t even close to reality.

 

When you’re a strong person, people tend to forget that you need help or need a break sometimes, too.  Even if you haven’t changed like I have, you still need help or a break.  Everyone does, but often people forget that when they are accustomed to relying on you.

 

If you are in this position, then it’s time for a change.  No one, no matter how strong, can keep going indefinitely.  Everyone needs help sometimes, & there is no shame in asking for that help.  It’s time to start telling people you need a break or asking for help.  I know it’s hard to do when you aren’t used to doing it, so don’t forget to ask God to help you in this area!

 

Ask God also to help you to have & enforce good boundaries.  Don’t keep pushing yourself when you’re exhausted.  You have the right to take care of your physical & mental health!

 

Remember, “no” can be a very good word sometimes.  If people look to you for help or support constantly, they aren’t looking to God.  He is where they should be looking, not you.  God should be that person’s everything, not you!

 

One thing that helps me a lot is alone time.  If you’re an introvert too, then be sure to tell people you need time alone to recharge.  Some extroverts don’t like to hear that, but that isn’t your problem.  Make sure they understand that it’s not them- alone time makes you feel like being around others makes them feel.  Take the alone time you need.  Or, if you’re an extrovert, then plan fun times with good friends or go to parties so you can recharge.

 

Remember, just because you’re strong doesn’t mean you need to be strong 24/7/365.  Everyone needs breaks & help sometimes.  There is no shame in that!  Besides, taking care of yourself also means you’ll be more able to help others when they do need you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Help For Dealing With Narcissistic Parents

My parents came by for a visit on Thursday.  I didn’t expect it to be a good one.  My mother is always angry with me, & my father was upset I postponed from last week.  For days,  I prayed & worried.

Wednesday, I suddenly got very angry at the fact that my parents have done so much to me, yet believe they are entitled to come into my home anytime & treat my furbabies & I so nastily in our own home.  Mind you, I’m not particularly good with anger.  Growing up, my mother accused me of having “that Bailey temper”, shaming me, if I was angry or even simply just frustrated. I learned early to ignore anger.  It’s only been recently I’ve been trying to deal with anger in a healthy way.  Even so, it still feels awkward to be angry, so Wednesday was a somewhat difficult day.

I realized something though.  I was gaining confidence.  It really started to sink in that I have a right to be angry about the things they have done & continue to do to me.  That anger gave me the confidence to realize I do NOT have to put up with being abused.  If me having boundaries hurts their feelings, that isn’t my problem.

Shortly before they arrived, I remembered something that also helped me.  Years ago, I stopped speaking to my mother 6 years.  During that time, I had planned to visit my Granddad one Saturday.  The night before, he called & said my parents had just called to say they were coming by on that same day.  He said “If you want to do this another time, I’ll understand.”  I thought about doing that, but said no- I want to see him & if he wants to see me too, then I’ll be there in the morning.  He did so we agreed I’d come by the following morning.   That day of the visit, my mother was shocked to see me there.  (Years before, she had tried to ruin my relationship with my grandparents.  I had stopped speaking to them for several years, & at the time of the visit, only had began visiting him again a few months prior)  She did her best to frazzle me with some of her actions, but instead I let her know they wouldn’t work, much to the delight of Granddad who was quite proud of me that day.  I was proud of myself for handling things so well, too!

Remembering that successful event & being angry both helped me to stay strong when my parents came by & successfully, for the first time, limit the time of their visit!  For the first time, I told them when the visit was over, not them staying in my home until they felt like leaving!

My point (finally..lol) is these tricks can help you when it comes to dealing with your narcissistic mother as well.  I know many Christians think anger is from the devil or you’re a terrible person to feel anger, but I completely disagree!  Anger is a normal emotion & it is from God.  Yes, forgiveness is a wonderful thing & should be practiced regularly.  However, anger has its place too.  A righteous anger at injustice is a wonderful motivator for change.  What is the difference?  Being angry at the unfairness of being abused & being angry because you know you have done nothing to deserve abuse, those are examples of righteous anger.  Me being angry because my parents have abused me & think they still have to right to do so is also righteous anger.  God stirred that anger up in me for a reason on Wednesday- to help me be strong & able to set boundaries with my narcissistic parents the next day.

And, God also reminded me of a very successful interaction I’d had with my parents, which was extremely helpful as well.  Remembering how well that previous episode had gone helped me to see that yes, I could be strong.  Yes, I could handle things well.  Yes, I could even be composed when angry.  I could do it!

Dear Reader, what God did for me, He can do for you as well.  I prayed & asked friends to pray for me to have strength for this visit, & God certainly did not disappoint.  I would like to encourage you too, to think on similar things in your life.  Gain courage from your successes, & hold onto that righteous anger!  If you are having trouble, ask God to help you.  He truly will!

Are You Always The Strong One?

There is a saying that is pretty common, but especially here in the South.  “That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  I believe it to be very true.  The very things that have been meant to kill me, such as narcissistic abuse, have instead strengthened me in the long run.

But, the truth is, in spite of being grateful for the strength I’ve gained, I’m pretty tired!  Tired of the nonsense I’ve lived through, & mostly tired of always being the strong one who carries other people can fall apart.

Many people, especially those of us who have survived narcissistic abuse, are a great deal stronger than we realize.  This doesn’t usually escape the notice of other people, however.  They notice it right away & often, don’t hesitate to use our strength to help themselves out.  Even when they know we’re going through a crisis, they’ll come to us for comfort, advice or to meet some other need, often without even asking how we’re doing.  When faced with a difficult person, we are the one who is always supposed to be understanding or the “bigger person”, & let the offenses go.  People know we’re strong & can handle bad situations, so they assume we never need help, a shoulder to cry on or, well, anything really..

The simple truth is that even the strongest among us need help sometimes.  Being strong can be hard enough, but feeling as if you’re completely alone in your struggles with no one to help, & you have to be strong all of the time for others is incredibly hard.  It’s extremely depressing, because you know you can’t count on anyone else to let you lean on them.  It’s also mentally & physically draining.

Chances are, if you’re reading this post, then you understand this all too well.  I would like to encourage you today to make self-care a priority.  Take breaks as needed from work or from other people (especially the ones who lean on you without reciprocating).  Set & enforce healthy boundaries to protect yourself.  Do nice things for yourself often.  What makes you feel good?  Make it a priority to do those things as often as possible.  Participate in your hobbies often.  Express your creativity often.

And, remember- sometimes you need to lean on others as they have leaned on you.  It’s actually a good thing for a relationship- it makes you depend on each other instead of the relationship being one sided.  It also increases intimacy in the relationship, because asking for help makes you vulnerable.  I understand that it is very hard to do, but I encourage you to step out & try it.  Ask God how to do this & who to ask- He won’t guide you wrong!

And, speaking of God, don’t forget to lean on Him as well!  He loves you so much, & wants to help you in every way you need help.  I’ll never forget what happened when I was sick at the end of February.. I was relaxing, just playing a game on my tablet, & I couldn’t get past this one level.  It was frustrating me.  I muttered & asked God to help me get past this stupid level.  Suddenly, I did it!  I started to cry.  Granted, I was super emotional because of the concussion I got only a few days prior, but even so, it was a lovely moment.  I knew God helped me to win that game because He loves me so much that He even cares about something so trivial that means something to me.  He loves you just as much- allow Him to show it.  Trust Him & lean on Him.  He won’t disappoint you.

Strength Does Come If You Don’t Give Up

Last week, my father called, asking if he could come by soon.  We arranged it for this past Tuesday, around 12-1 p.m.  When he was a bit late, I just chalked it up to the traffic jam outside my home, but soon found out why- my mother was with him, & she is always late (a control tactic).  She invited herself to my home!  I was caught off-guard since I hadn’t expected this but I prayed quickly before letting them in, & God didn’t disappoint!  He helped me tremendously to get through the very difficult visit, as He always does.

My mother was obviously angry with me from the start. Why I’m not sure.  Maybe because I didn’t invite her over (truthfully, I didn’t invite my father either but at least he asked before coming over).  Maybe because she was whining about her back pain & I showed her no concern (for anyone who doesn’t know, at 19, my mother threw me into a wall so hard, I had pain for 10 years & had to quit working.  Not only did she never assume responsibility for hurting me, she told everyone I was faking the injury to get out of working because I was so lazy.  This is why I feel no sympathy for her pain.  You reap what you sow!).  Maybe she was mad because as soon as she got here, she asked if I’d gotten an email from her cousin about printing something out for her & I told her I did get it & I told her cousin to print it out herself since I’m not anyone’s secretary.

In any case, my mother was angry with me, & when she’s angry she does the normal narcissist behavior- treat me like crap & try to hurt me at every opportunity.  Thanks to God helping me, I was able not only to catch onto what she did every time, but also refuse to play along.  I was able to stay totally calm, which is important- showing your hurt or anger only fuels the narcissist, making her want to hurt you more & more.  I also was able to set & enforce firm boundaries with her that she respected, albeit grudgingly.

The visit was a great success, considering the circumstances!  Although I still ended up angry & hurt when my parents left, it wasn’t nearly as painful as it has been before.  It’s taken a long time, but I finally am able to set & enforce healthy boundaries & stand up to my mother rather than tolerate her abuse silently.

My point of telling you this story, Dear Reader, is to encourage you.  A good friend of mine suggested I share it to encourage you.  If you are in a relationship with your narcissistic parents & unable or unwilling to go no contact, you still can deal with them if you don’t give up!  Keep praying- ask God to give you whatever you need such as strength, courage, wisdom & even words to say or boundaries to set.  He truly will answer that prayer!

If you have any doubts about anything she says or what you feel, ask God to tell you the truth immediately.

Also, learn as much as you can about narcissism so you are prepared for the gaslighting & other horrible behaviors.  This will help you to remember that she is the problem, not you as well as to cope with those behaviors.

Talk to supportive friends.  Let them encourage you!

Be calm around your narcissistic parent at all times to avoid fueling their nasty fire.

Always be consistent.  If you set a boundary, stick to it.  Any flexibility will be taken as a sign of weakness & she will bust through that boundary & any others as soon as she sees fit.

As you gain more experience with dealing with your narcissistic parents in a healthy way, it will become so much easier.  I never thought that I would be able to tell my mother to knock off insulting my pets & have her actually listen to me!  I’ve told her that before & she ignored me totally.  Even when I told her either be nice to them or I’ll kick her out of my home, it still wasn’t as effective- she simply avoided my home.  But Tuesday, she backed off immediately.  She is finally learning that I not only am serious that I will protect my furkids no matter what, but also that I mean business with my boundaries.

You too can be strong!  Don’t give up!  Keep practicing the above mentioned tips, & you will be pleasantly surprised how much stronger you are.  And, chances are your narcissistic mother will improve her behaviors some like mine has.