A Quote To Help You Heal & Cope With Narcissists

I am a fan of true crime stories.  Kinda dark & morbid maybe, but from a purely psychological standpoint, also fascinating.  I love learning how people think, what motivates them & what makes them tick, even the darker, more evil people.

 

Recently I was watching a story about a serial killer who killed his first & second wives plus a girlfriend.  The police weren’t able to catch him for many years.  One person who was a great help was a Texas private investigator named Gina Frenzel.  She claimed to be an investigator for an insurance company, & needed to take some pictures of the property this man lived on, as there was a fire on it some time in the past.  He allowed her to do so.  On another visit, he seemed to think they were friends, so they talked for hours.  One of the things he said struck me very interesting.  In fact, it may be one of the most insightful things about narcissism I’ve ever heard…

 

“As long as your ego is the main power in your brain, it is not going to let the spirit have equal power, equal time, anything.”

 

Doesn’t this make a lot of sense?!

 

Narcissists are all about their ego- protecting it & feeding it.  It’s so consuming to them, they have no thoughts for empathy, love or anything to do with other people.

 

When you consider your relationship with the narcissist in your life in relation to this quote, things will make so much sense.  This is why your overtly narcissistic mother said such cruel things to you- anything good about you might encroach on her precious & fragile ego.  If someone thinks you’re prettier or smarter than her, it would take away narcissistic supply.  This is also why your covertly narcissistic father wouldn’t protect you from her abuse- he had no room to consider your pain.  If it was discovered his wife was abusing his child, he might look bad for allowing it.  And, he’d lose the narcissistic supply of looking like the good, long-suffering husband.

 

Getting a deep realization of such things is going to help you in your healing so much, Dear Reader.  Narcissists, parents in particular, instill so deeply in their victims that everything is the victim’s fault.  My mother blamed my behavior for her abusing me.  She called it “tough love” & said she was “saving me from myself.”  My ex husband twisted everything around from him hurting me to me being selfish, wrong, no other woman was like this, etc.  I’m sure you can relate to such scenarios, can’t you?

 

These kinds of situations instill the belief in a person that all abuse is their fault.  It takes a long time to undo that sick, wrong belief.  One way to do it is to fully understand that the narcissist has issues that they want to put off on others.  Realizing the truth in this quote can help you to do that.

 

And, if you’re still in a relationship with your narcissistic parent (or any narcissist for that matter), this quote can help you to survive it.  Understanding that their ego is what is driving them will help you to take their cruelty less personally, thus making it hurt less.  Sometimes, the narcissist’s only focus is feeding their ego.  So much so that they may not even think about the fact they are hurting you.  Or, more commonly, they realize they’re hurting you & get a thrill from the power they have that they can hurt you.  Either way, their need for narcissistic supply is fueling their behavior.  It’s not because you have done something wrong or bad.  It’s not because what they say about you is true.  It’s only because they are so hell-bent on feeding their egos.  When you truly understand this, when you have a revelation on the truth of that fact, it helps their behavior hurt less.

Narcissistic Supply In Overt & Covert Narcissists

All narcissists, whether covert or overt, whether high or low on the spectrum, are all about gaining that coveted narcissistic supply to make them feel good.  Educating yourself on how they get that supply is important so you understand why they are behaving the way they are & protect yourself accordingly.

 

Covert narcissists are much different & more difficult to deal with (at least in my opinion) than overt narcissists.  At least overt narcissists are open about their abuse.  Coverts?  They are much sneakier & more devious in the ways they abuse their victims.  In fact, it takes most victims a lot longer to realize they are being abused by a narcissist when their abuser is a covert narcissist.

 

Overt narcissists are easy to spot.  They are the ones bragging about their accomplishments, talking non stop about themselves, showing no empathy to anyone (& sometimes even bragging about that fact), & having no interest in other people beyond what those people can do for them.

 

Covert narcissists  however are much harder to recognize.  They like to give the impression of being kind & giving, even to the point of martyrdom.  They’re often married to overt narcissists, & look like the innocent victim of that person’s bad behavior.  They rarely, often never, stand up to the overt narcissist, saying there’s nothing they can do.  Even if the overt narcissist abuses their child, the covert claims there’s nothing he can do to stop his wife.  It’s so hard for him watching his wife abuse their child.   He portrays himself as the real victim, not the child, even to the point of expecting the child to console him.  (My father has done this as has my mother in-law).  Covert narcissists can fake empathy & concern for others, although if you look closely, you’ll see it’s simply an act on their part.  They also often mirror others, attempting to act like their victim to make the victim feel closer to them.

 

These differences in overt & covert narcissists also mean they get their narcissistic supply differently as well.

 

Overt narcissists want lots of praise & admiration.  If they are the center of attention, that makes them incredibly happy.  They are quite happy if you don’t talk, allowing them to control the conversation.  In fact, openly controlling you, not only the conversation, will make them gloriously happy.

 

Covert narcissists are much more subtle.  As I mentioned above, they get narcissistic supply by looking like a martyr.  Being married to an overt narcissist is ideal for them, because they get pity for what they put up with & being unable to get out of the situation.  They also appear modest when getting a complement, I think because this often makes people fuss more over them.  Coverts are also very controlling, but not so obviously as their overt counterparts.  For example, I’ve told my parents I don’t like calls after 9 p.m.  My covertly narcissistic father has ignored this repeatedly.  I decided I was going to drive the point home, & ignore him when he called at 9:15 once.  From 9:15 until 10, he called 15 times.  I let the phone ring… until my cousin called at 10:15.  He lives 450 miles away & never calls me so late, so I was worried about him.  It turns out my father called my cousin to tell my cousin to tell me to call my father!  And, my cousin said my father had called my in-laws who he knows I haven’t spoken to in years.  He told my cousin & father in-law he was worried sick about me since I didn’t answer his call.  He looked like a caring father when in fact, he just wanted to control me- he wanted me to answer his call no matter what I wanted or felt.  I didn’t call my father back that night.  Instead, he called me early the next morning, & was obviously upset that I didn’t call him that night.  If I had called, he would’ve gotten his narcissistic supply by being able to control me- it would’ve made him feel powerful.  Instead, I told him exactly why I didn’t take his call, & after that he never called me after 9 again.

 

I recently realized narcissists also get narcissistic supply by rescuing you.  I asked God once why does my father want to tell me how to fix any problems in my life or seem disappointed when I don’t need his help.  God showed me that rescuing me provides narcissistic supply.  It would make him feel like he’s doing something good by helping me, & not in the normal way helping people makes most people feel good.  It goes deeper than that.  Covert narcissists feel that helping others proves that they are good people.  They hope the person they helped will tell others about what was done for them.  They also bring it up periodically, hinting for praise.  “Did that money I gave you help you get your car fixed?”  “This room sure looks better since I helped you to paint it!”  The goal of such comments is for you to say something about how grateful you are for their help, or maybe you couldn’t have done it without them.

 

Overt narcissists aren’t so subtle when they help you.  They may bring it up often, remind you that you owe them or that you wouldn’t have been able to accomplish what you did without them.  I’m not sure about other overt narcissists, but I noticed with my mother, she doesn’t usually mention something she helped me with to my face.  Instead, she tells my father & I’m not sure who else how she’s always bailed me out of trouble (which she only did once- when my dog had to go to the emergency vet).  She also seems to get a thrill out of giving me money even when I don’t need it.  I wondered about this for a while & asked God.  It made no sense to me- I don’t ask her for help nor do I expect it from her, yet a few years ago, she started giving me money.  Immediately God showed me why she does this.  My parents are quite financially comfortable.  Moreso than my husband & I.  She enjoys reminding me that she has more money than me & can give me money without worrying about not being able to pay bills.

 

I pray you learn all you can about narcissistic supply, so if you must deal with a narcissist, you learn what not to do.  The less supply you provide, the less interested the narcissist will be in you.