When experiencing narcissistic abuse, it feels like the narcissist is attacking you like a hungry lion attacks prey. They do their level best to destroy everything about you. That feels incredibly personal, doesn’t it? The fact is though that it isn’t.
Narcissists are incredibly selfish & self serving. Every single thing they do is motivated by how it will serve or benefit them.
If a narcissist calls you ugly or stupid, it isn’t because he or she thinks you are. It’s because it makes the narcissist feel powerful when they see you hurting because of that insult.
If your narcissistic spouse destroys your financial status, that isn’t about you either. Destroying your finances makes him or her feel powerful. You can’t leave him or her without money. You can’t rent a place to live with a bad credit rating. You are forced to maintain the relationship with this narcissist, & they love having that control.
If the narcissist in your life is your parent who refuses to treat you like an adult, again, that isn’t about you. It doesn’t mean the narcissist believes you aren’t a capable adult. Treating you as a child well past childhood gives that parent the control they want over you by making you feel incapable.
At the core of narcissistic behavior is the drive for narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply is anything that feeds the ego. Everyone appreciates narcissistic supply to some degree. A sincere complement makes you feel good, doesn’t it? Most people appreciate complements. Some may even fish for them once in a while, asking questions like, “Does this dress look ok on me?” in the hopes of hearing, “You look beautiful in that dress!” That is narcissistic supply on a normal scale. Narcissists, however, take this to an extreme.
Narcissists will do anything to gain their narcissistic supply & gain it often. They have no problem tearing another person’s self esteem apart or manipulating & controlling others to get it. The fact others are hurt in this process isn’t important to narcissists, due to their complete lack of empathy. All that matters is they accomplish or obtain whatever it is that they want at that moment. And, once that moment is done, they are looking for their next moment.
Narcissists are much like hard core drug addicts, always looking for their next high, & they will do anything to get that high. The only difference is their drug of choice is narcissistic supply.
Always remember that what narcissists do is about them, not you. Even hurting, even destroying, you isn’t about you. Every single solitary thing narcissists do is always about them & procuring their precious narcissistic supply, period. The more you remember this, the less devastated you will be when the narcissist in your life says & does the terrible things they do to you.
One word of warning: this realization shows just what a damaged person the narcissist is. It’s sad when you realize that someone’s thinking could be so warped as to not care about the tremendous amount of damage they do to others, including those they say they love. While yes, this is sad, please don’t let yourself feel too much pity for the narcissist, because that can lead you down the path of tolerating their abuse. Remember, they have chosen over & over to do the abusive things they have done. This has shut down their empathy, & made it easier for them to continue to abuse. While it’s sad they are as they are, narcissism is ultimately a result of their bad choices.