You Don’t Have To Explain Yourself To Anyone

One thing many people, in particular survivors of narcissistic abuse, seem to have a problem with is over explaining.

If someone asks you to do something that you are unable or unwilling to do, most people will explain in great detail exactly why they can’t or won’t do what is asked of them, even if they have to lie.  The truth however, is that is unnecessary.  And, sometimes it can cause disagreements between both parties involved, especially if the one doing the explaining feels compelled to lie which is often the case.

Did you know that no can be a complete sentence?

Matthew 5:37 states, “Let your Yes be simply Yes, and your No be simply No; anything more than that comes from the evil one.” (AMP)

While you may be thinking that you wouldn’t lie, think about how many times you were free yet told someone you had previous plans to avoid doing what they wanted you to do?  I think all of us are guilty of doing this at some point.

Instead of that, why not just say no?  You owe no explanations- a simple no should suffice with most people.

Granted, with narcissists, they feel entitled to a detailed explanation of your “terrible” refusal to serve them, so no doesn’t always work.  Instead, there are some slightly more elaborate answers you can give without offering a long explanation.

“No, I can’t.”

“No, I don’t have time.”

“No, I won’t.”

“No.  It goes against my personal beliefs.”

Whatever you opt to say, remember not to give many details or much personal information.  Narcissists love to use what you say against you or to hurt you, so it’s best to keep details to yourself whenever possible.

It’s Not Your Job To Tolerate Abuse Or Do All The Work In Your Relationships!

A pretty common phenomenon I’ve noticed about adult children of narcissistic parents is this belief of others that we are always supposed to allow other people to mistreat or even abuse us without complaint.  Also, if something is wrong in a relationship, it’s supposed to be our job to fix everything while the other person does nothing.

My mother in-law treated me like dirt for the first eight years of my husband’s & my relationship, until I finally severed ties with her.  My husband told me constantly that I “needed to understand her better,” I should “be the bigger person & let things go.”  He didn’t believe me when I told him what she had done, or (worst of all) blamed me for her abuse.

My ex husband & I lived with his parents for about a year.  During that time, he & I had a big fight on our third wedding anniversary.  I left the house to cool off for a while.  When I came back, his mother jumped me, blaming me for the fight (which he started, not that she knew this), for making him angry & for him punching a wall in his anger.  She told me I needed to talk to him & smooth things over.

During a very bad time in my marriage, I talked to a good friend of mine about something extremely painful my husband had done.  He tried to make excuses for my husband’s behavior & suggested things I can do to help fix our marriage rather than comfort me or help me.

Do scenarios like this sound familiar to you as well?

If they do, I want to tell you today that it’s not your job, nor your purpose in life, to be used or to do all of the work in your relationships!  Relationships are NOT one sided, at least healthy ones are not.  A healthy relationship has two people working together.  Relationships where only one person does all of the work are extremely dysfunctional & miserable.

It also is not your place to tolerate abuse or make excuses for the abuser!  No one deserves abuse- NO ONE!  There is no excuse to abuse, there is nothing you can do to make someone abuse you & abusive people are sick.  None of this has anything to do with you.

I believe this warped behavior happens because of being raised by narcissistic parents.  You’re raised to be nothing more than a tool to be used as needed, much like say, a screwdriver.  You’re kept in a drawer until needed, pulled out, used, then put away until the next time you can serve some purpose. While you’re “in that drawer,” you need to be completely invisible- you have to stay out of the narcissist’s way! Don’t “bother” her with your trivial needs.  Hers are so very much more important than yours, after all.  As a result, you grow up continuing to act as if other people’s needs are more important, yours mean nothing, & being a people pleaser. People naturally read other people, & abusers in particular are extremely good at it.  Abusers look for people like this to abuse, since they’re easy targets who won’t complain about how they’re treated.  Then there are other people don’t deliberately seek out people they can abuse.  Instead, they see you believe you are: invisible, you deserve to be treated poorly, etc. & they treat you that way.

To help fix this problem in your life, work on your healing.  You will learn to spot the abusers quickly, & avoid them.  You’ll develop & enforce stronger boundaries.  Your self-esteem will improve, making you less willing to tolerate nonsense, including being the only one to work on your relationships.  You also need to really grasp the fact that you are NOT what your narcissistic mother says you are.  You are someone with great worth & value.  God loves you, no matter if your parents don’t.  If you have trouble believing that, ask Him to show you how much He loves you.  Read the Bible- there are countless times in it where God states His love for you!

Are You A Narcissist Magnet?

Does it seem like not only are narcissists everywhere, but they all find you & want to be your friend or romantic interest?

I’ve felt that way myself.  I’ve had so many failed friendships with people I later realized were narcissists.  I probably would’ve had more failed romantic relationships with narcissists as well if I wasn’t so particular about who I dated before I got married.  So many times in my life, I’ve felt like a narcissist magnet- if there’s one within ten miles of me, they will find me quicker than a bloodhound on the trail of a rabbit..

And, it’s not just me.   Many other people I’ve talked to share this experience.  This made me wonder why do some of us keep ending up with such dysfunctional, abusive people in our lives?  I came up with a theory…

Like me, the other folks I’ve talked to who have had many narcissistic relationships also were raised by at least one narcissistic parent.  This means they learned very early in life to behave in a certain way- to work hard to please others, not to ask much (anything, really) from others in a relationship, to tolerate abuse, to offer much praise & no criticism.  These behaviors are extremely pleasing to narcissists, so upon meeting people who behave that way, narcissists are instantly attracted.  They then begin their own version of “love bombing.”   Love bombing is when a narcissist inundates their prospective “love interest” (more like victim..) with loving gestures- romance, gifts, words of love & praise, wanting to take care of the love interest financially or rescue from a bad situation.  Narcissistic friends do this minus the romantic aspect.  They  listen to you, pretend to share things in common with you, & more to draw you into a relationship with them.  Once you’re in though, the mask comes off & the true person is revealed.

So how do you avoid attracting narcissistic friends & romantic interests?  Get mentally healthy!

The more mentally healthy you are, the less able narcissists are to use & abuse you, which is an incredible turn off for them.  While many narcissists enjoy the challenge of destroying someone who is strong, empathetic, & intelligent, they do like someone who can be molded into whatever they want.  An mentally healthy person won’t let that happen.  She knows her boundaries, & enforces them strictly.  She also recognizes dysfunctional & abusive behavior quickly, & won’t tolerate it.  Being mentally healthy is more valuable than having a high IQ when it comes to deterring abusive people from wanting to be in a relationship with you.

I’ve seen this come to pass in my own life.  The more mentally healthy I’ve become, the less interested in me narcissists are.  I seldom find any interested in talking to me for more than a short time, let alone pursuing a friendship.  Plus, I usually can spot them a mile away now, so when I realize the person I just met is a narcissist, I’ll have fun with them.  I’ll change the subject off of them, their interests, etc. onto  something else.  Preferably me, since narcissists have no interest in talking about anyone other than themselves.. heehee!

Something else has come from being healthier too- not only do I attract less narcissists, but I attract more mentally healthy people!  I honestly can say right now that I do not have ONE abusive &/or narcissistic friend in my life.  My friends are caring, compassionate, intelligent & generous.  If we have a disagreement, we can work things out, even if we never come to agree.  We know it’s OK to agree to disagree.  We don’t always share many similar interests, but we do respect each other’s right to be interested in what the other is interested in without judgment.  We often think very much alike & share similar religious beliefs.

I’m not saying attracting narcissists in your life is your fault, or that you have to be completely mentally healthy & over the narcissistic abuse to have good friendships.  Not by any means!   Please don’t think that is what I mean at all!  It’s still completely on the narcissist that they seek out victims.  And, once you start recognizing & failing to tolerate abuse, things will change naturally.  Abusers will start seeing you as an unavailable target & seek another victim.

Yesterday’s Epiphany..

Yesterday, I thought was going to be an average Monday.  Chores, laundry, nothing exciting.  I needed the quiet & routine after Saturday’s panic attack & was sort of looking forward to it (well, other than chores & laundry..lol).  Instead, my phone rang about ten times before noon.  ACK!!!  Not that all the calls were bad by any stretch- it’s just I need my introvert/alone time.  I was feeling really overwhelmed, especially since a few calls were from my mother.
Then, my mother called back a bit after noon to let me know how my father’s doctor appointment went.  I was frustrated because I was trying to get a load of laundry folded, & her new phone service keeps fading out at random, so  I miss some of the conversation.  Then she said it- the thing that lit a fire in me.  She’s been seeing a chiropractor for back problems, & said, “You just can’t understand how hard it is seeing a chiropractor every day.”  *sigh*  Yes, in fact, I can, because I did this when I was 19-20 because of my mother slamming me into a wall & hurting my back.  I told her I could understand it.  She said, “Oh?  What did you ever see a chiropractor for?”  (I considered just banging my head into a wall at this point, but didn’t want to mess up my wall..lol).  I snapped “The back problems I had for 10 years!”  She said, “I didn’t mean to upset you by asking.  I’m sorry.”  I froze- instead of saying something about how could she forget since she is the reason my back was so messed up I had to quit working, I said “I’m just frazzled- I’m trying to do a lot of things at once.”  Shortly after, we got off the phone.
That’s when I began crying out of sheer frustration.  Why didn’t I say what I wanted to?  Why did I chicken out?  I called my husband in tears, & told him what happened.  His response helped me a lot.  He said, “Maybe this was God’s way of stopping you from getting into something you can’t handle right now.  You know you hate arguing with her & her pissing contests.”  I thought about it, & yea, this made sense.  Besides, I barely slept last night, which means I’m even less able to handle things than normal.  Also, in telling a friend about this, she said it may not be that I can’t handle it, it’s that I don’t need to handle it right now.  Another valid point.  I think what happened was God intervening & a combination of me not needing the drama or being able to handle it well right now.  So as a result, I stopped beating myself up.  
I think in cases like this, we need to stop beating ourselves up & try to look at things differently.  What I thought was a failure actually wasn’t so bad.  I should have prayed first, but for some reason, I didn’t, & God still was there for me in the form of my husband & friend.  He gave me the answers & comfort I needed.  🙂

October 13, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers!

I am thinking of making one of my books into a first edition hard back version.  I was wondering if anyone has any thoughts on which one.  Below is a list of the possibilities.  I would love to hear your thoughts, so feel free to email me directly at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com or leave a comment on this post.  Thank you!  

 

“Sins of the Father”

    When a good, all-American, Christian family man is discovered to have tortured seven men to death, no one is more stunned than his devoted, yet naive wife, and their two children.   Only when his crimes are discovered does he divulge the horrors of being born into a Satanic cult, which drove him to kill.   This is a story of the power of God to carry His children with love and strength through even the most painful circumstances. 

***Subject matter may be disturbing. Reader discretion is advised.***

Buy this book by clicking here. 

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

  

“The Christian Woman’s Guide To Killing Her Husband”

    Lily Hamilton and Melanie Brooks are best friends with a lot in common. Both are devoted Christians, both love antiques and books, and both are married to men who put their families ahead of their wives. Steve’s domineering mother, Joanne, never tries to disguise her hatred of Lily. Mark takes care of his little sister, even if that means hurting Melanie or losing their home. 

    After several years, both Lily and Melanie are fed up. In a moment of frustration, they decide the only way to solve the trouble with their husbands is to kill them. They create a plan for the perfect murder. Soon after, their husbands die exactly has they had planned. 

    Did these women kill their husbands? Or is it a case of divine intervention?

Buy this book by clicking here. 

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

 Non-Fiction:

 

“You Are Not Alone!”

 

    Is your mother difficult or even abusive? Is she cruel, controlling or mentally ill? Does time with her leave you drained, frustrated or crying? Do you believe no one understands your pain? Have you been told to “get over it,” “stop living in the past,” or made to feel ashamed of yourself for being upset with your mother, even by those who know how much she hurts you?

    “You Are Not Alone!” tackles the taboo topic of abusive mothers from a Christian perspective. It discusses various types of abusive mothers, problems caused by abuse, getting to the root of problems to heal, and ways to cope. This book also teaches ways of dealing with dysfunctional parents, as well as tough topics such as how do you honor your abusive parents, what do you owe aging and abusive parents, and deciding whether or not to end the relationship with your mother.

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

“Emerging From The Chrysalis”

 

    “Emerging From The Chrysalis” is a story of surviving abuse and how to conquer its pain. 

    In this inspiring book, the author describes her own painful experiences with the various forms of psychological abuse (verbal, mental and emotional abuse), as well as how she moved from the role of victim to survivor.

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

“A Witness Of Faith”

 

 “[No] you yourselves are our letter of recommendation (our credentials), written in your hearts, to be known (perceived, recognized) and read by everybody.”  (2 Corinthians 3:2, AMP)

    Many Christians know this verse, but how many consider the seriousness of it?  As a Christian, are you aware that people are watching you, to see if you are serious about your faith? 

    God takes our witness of what we believe very seriously, as should His children.  This book will encourage you, show you to be a shining example of your Christian faith, and improve your relationship with God, yourself, and your fellow man.

Buy this book by clicking here.

 

 

“Lessons From The Heart: What Animals Have Taught Me About Life And Love”

 

    There is much more to our animal companions than meets the eye. They are far wiser than the casual observer realizes, and can teach humans a great deal about life. 

    In this book, the author details some valuable life lessons she learned from her own pets over the years that have helped her to live a happier, more fulfilling life.

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

“All I Know About Marriage…I Learned The Hard Way!”

    Anyone who has been married for any amount of time knows that marriage is full of challenges. Most married couples face differences in personalities, in-law problems, financial issues and more. Some couples are also faced with even more serious issues such as infidelity and abuse. 

    This book will teach wives that it is possible for one person to improve a marriage. It also teaches women that being good to themselves is beneficial not only to their own happiness, but to their marriage as well.

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

“Pawprints On Our Hearts”

 

    Animals are God’s special gift to humanity. This book will show you the many things that the Bible has to say about animals, such as their purpose on Earth, what they need from human beings, whether or not they go to heaven and more. Personal experiences by the author and pictures of her own pets are included as well.

    “Pawprints On Our Hearts” is designed to give you an entirely new perspective on our animal friends- to help you view them as God does- and to improve your experiences with our animal companions. May this book bless you and yours!

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

“Baptism of Joy”  

    By following the basic principles in this book, you too can overcome situational depression. I am living proof that the principles in this book work.

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

 

“Romantic Inspirations”

    How to put the romance back in your marriage. If the flames of love are dimming in your relationship, then this book will tell you how to turn up the heat once again! Offers a Biblical perspective on love and romance

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.

 

 

“Facets Of Love”

    Poetry about the various stages of love. Makes a wonderful gift for anniversaries, Valentine’s day, birthdays, etc. for the one you love.

Buy this book by clicking here.

Buy this ebook by clicking here.