Dysfunctional Families And The Holidays

Since the holiday season is officially upon us, I thought it would be a good time to talk about dysfunctional families & the holidays.

The holiday season is supposed to be a joyful time of year, & spent with those you love the most.  Instead, for people with dysfunctional families & in-laws, it is the most dreaded time of year. 

These families make unreasonable demands, have their own traditions that allow no room for change & have no tolerance for anyone who doesn’t go along with their traditions & demands.  They turn a joyful time of year into one full of stress, anxiety, hurt feelings, & anger for anyone who doesn’t go along with their “one big happy family” charade. 

Clearly this is very common with narcissists, but those who are simply dysfunctional can behave in the same way.  Their motivations are different than their narcissistic counterparts.  It is usually done to make them feel as if their family isn’t dysfunctional.  After all, they always get together at the holidays, so they must be a close, happy family, right?

Whichever is your situation, you are in a frustrating, difficult & exasperating position.  I understand it all too well since I have been there more years than I care to remember with both dysfunctional people & narcissists.  I’ve learned some things that I think can help those of you who are currently in this situation.

Remember, as an adult, you aren’t obligated to do what your family or in-laws tell you to do.  Just because they think you need to obey their wishes & celebrate their way doesn’t mean that you need to do as they say.  Not doing as they want will upset them, & they will hurt you.  Think about this… is it worth wasting your time being miserable to appease them to avoid them basically pouting like a spoiled child?  Hopefully you feel you can handle their temper tantrum & spend the holidays as you want.  If you do, chances are you are going to feel guilty & hurt when they are mad at you, since that is normal.  When that happens, just remind yourself that you are a grown adult, & no one has the right to dictate how you spend your holidays.

If you opt not to spend your holidays with these people, then be sure to do something you enjoy doing.  Spend the day with friends instead of family.  Go on a trip.  Start your own traditions that don’t involve them. 

If you don’t feel you can avoid doing what your dysfunctional family & in-laws want you to do though, hope is not lost!  Rather than do everything they want, set some boundaries.  If they want you to spend all of Christmas day with them, say you only have a couple of hours to spend with them.  Or, offer to spend Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas with them.

I know setting boundaries with narcissists & very dysfunctional people can be hard, but you can do it!  If the suggestions I just made feel like too much, start small.  If this person wants you to be at their house at 11, say you will be there at noon.  If they want you to bring three dishes for dinner, offer to bring two instead.  Moves like this are small, but significant.  They help you take back some of your power.  Often, those small steps lead the way to setting bigger boundaries with confidence.

I also learned that after years of ridiculous holiday expectations of demanding dysfunctional people, I absolutely detest holidays no matter what I try to do to enjoy them.  The narcissists & dysfunctional people in my life ruined almost all of the holidays in my adult life.  Even though they are all gone from my life now, I still hate holidays.  I’ve spoken with other people who have been in similar situations who feel the same as me, so I am left to assume this is normal.  If this happens to you, don’t beat yourself up over it.  You can’t help how you feel.  Dysfunctional people made you feel this way, & there is nothing wrong with you for that.  Many people can’t understand feeling this way & can be quite hurtful with their judgments.  Don’t pay any attention to what they say.  Their opinion isn’t important.  Your feelings aren’t damaging their life in any way so you just be yourself & don’t worry about them!

Special Days After Escaping Narcissistic Abuse

Special days after escaping narcissistic abuse can be very odd & very difficult days.  Many narcissists make holidays miserable in some fashion.  The overt narcissists may do everything they can to ruin the day by starting some ridiculous drama as a way to sap the enjoyment out of the day for everyone else.  Or, the covert narcissists may work hard to make special days extravagant so they may be praised for all their hard work, & make people think they’re so wonderful because there is nothing they won’t do for their family.  Whichever the case, special days make a very deep & lasting impression on victims of narcissistic abuse, & sometimes they can be very difficult even after the abuse has ended.

My late mother in-law controlled the big holidays & some special days such as her & my late father in-law’s birthdays & their anniversary.  Everyone was expected to show up to her get togethers, no excuses not to, & bask in all the hard work she put into making these days special.  I wasn’t overly fond of holidays to start with because my ex in-laws, although not narcissists, also expected certain things on the holidays & there was no excuse not to do them.  I already was fed up with holiday demands, & my mother in-law’s behavior didn’t help!  As a result, I still hate holidays even years after my last attendance at such events.  I’ve tried creating new traditions or doing things I enjoy on the day to counteract my negative mindset, but nothing has worked.  Most holidays & special days are now just another day to me at best or at worst days I dread.

In my family, my grandparents made July 4^th into a celebration combined with a family reunion.  As a kid, I loved it.  I got to see my two favorite people, my grandparents, & it was always a fun time with my family lots of fireworks.  It’s only been in the very recent past that it occurred to me that most of those people I was so happy to see each July 4^th are narcissists.  I can think of eight people off the top of my head that have been utterly cruel to me.  That’s a lot of people in just one family!

Since you’re reading this, it’s safe to assume your story is similar.  I’m sorry for that.  My hope is to help you to handle this situation in a healthy way.

I always recommend prayer as the best place to start because, well, it is.  God knows us much better than even we do, & is infinitely smarter than us.  What better source could there be for help?!  Just ask Him to help you to in this situation & He will. 

You can try creating new traditions that have nothing to do with the narcissist, too.  Do something that is pretty much the opposite of what the narcissist did.  Create a calm environment without pointless drama.  Rather than participate in the usual traditions, do something unique like take a trip somewhere you like.  For example, instead of spending Christmas exchanging gifts & eating turkey & all the usual fixings, go to the beach for a couple of days.  Or, maybe go to the mountains or go skiing with friends.  After doing this once you might want to make it an annual tradition.

If this doesn’t help you to find some joy in special days, I understand totally since it didn’t help me much either.  It’s ok!  Instead, you could write out what you feel in your journal, leaving nothing out.  Granted, this isn’t going to add a lot of fun to your day, but it may help you to figure out how you can begin to enjoy special days again. At least it’ll help purge you of negative feelings.

If your situation is more like what I described with my family, you once enjoyed gatherings & only later realized there were many narcissists there, you’re going to need to grieve.  This is a loss, finding out your family members are narcissists, & it should be treated as such if you are to move past this painful realization.  It’s important to remember that moving past it is a realistic goal.  Getting over it may not happen.  Hopefully it will, but if you find that you simply can’t, don’t beat yourself up over it.  I haven’t been able to get over the realization with my family either.  It still hurts, but so much less than it once did.  And, once you get to a place of healing, you might be able to find joy in special days by doing things you like & creating new memories.

I wish you the best in your healing journey! xoxo

December 27, 2012

Hello, Dear Readers!  I hope this post finds you well!  I also hope your Christmas holiday was a good one.

Ours was nice & peaceful.  We played board games, & watched “A Christmas Story’ on tv.  I fixed us a nice German style dinner.  Exactly the kind of day I like.  I have lost my love of the more traditional Christmases after many, many bad Christmases over the last 20+ years, so the more non-traditional things suit me fine.  

I’ve been working on the new book.  It’s going pretty well- about 70 pages so far.  Today for some reason, I hit a writing block, so I’m going to ignore the book for a day or two.  I think it’s just stress- I’m not good at handling stress anymore.  Anyway, distance can be very beneficial to alleviating writer’s block.  When you do go back to writing, it’s like you have a fresh view of your work, & creativity can flow easier.  Most times, anyway.  

So I’ve been using this free time to read a wonderful book- “Homer’s Odyssey” by Gwen Cooper.  Homer is a blind kitty, & he is utterly amazing.  If you love animals, at least cats, it’s a great read!!  Homer reminds me of a smaller, blind version of my first cat, Magic.  Highly intelligent, devoted, protective, loving, playful.  Quite a special guy!

Hope everyone has a great day, & in case I don’t get back here in the next few days, a very blessed new year!!!