How To Identify Fake Apologies And Genuine Apologies

Have you ever been on the receiving end of an apology that felt insincere & fell flat?  It might have been someone repeating the words “I’m sorry,” but with an entirely different intention.  Fake apologies are unfortunately all too common, especially with narcissists & they can leave the recipient feeling more hurt & confused than before. It’s important to be able to recognize the difference between genuine & fake apologies in order to protect yourself from this manipulative behavior.

A genuine apology is one that conveys a sense of remorse, understanding, & an intention to make things better in the future.  It is a sincere attempt to make amends for the hurt that has been caused.  The words may be something like, “I’m sorry for what I said & I know it was wrong.  I’ll try to do better in the future.”  The person apologizing is clearly taking responsibility for their actions, & is expressing a willingness to change their behavior.

A fake apology, on the other hand, is one that is not genuine.  It is an attempt to make the other person feel better without the person apologizing actually taking responsibility for the hurt that they caused.  Fake apologies often include excuses or phrases such as, “if I hurt you” or “If I said or did something that hurt you,” instead of, “I hurt you” or “I know what I said or did hurt you.”  They may also include phrases such as “I’m sorry you feel that way” instead of “I’m sorry I said that.”  Fake apologies are simply an attempt to avoid taking responsibility or making changes in their behavior.  They can leave the victim feeling even more hurt by the apology than by the behavior the person did in the first place that warranted the apology.

People who give fake apologies are often trying to manipulate the situation in order to get what they want or to avoid any consequences for their actions.  Fake apologies are a way for people to re-wind the situation & shift the focus away from their own behavior.

Fake apologies can also be a way for people to alleviate their own guilt.  By giving a fake apology, they can appear to be taking responsibility for their actions without actually having to do anything to make things better or change their behavior.  It can be a way to appease their conscience without actually having to do any work.

There are some signs to be aware of regarding fake apologies.  Fake apologies don’t include a genuine expression of remorse.  The person apologizing doesn’t appear to feel any guilt or shame.  Also, as mentioned earlier, they often include phrases such as, “I’m sorry if I hurt you” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” rather than, “I’m sorry I hurt you.”  They may also include excuses or attempts to shift the blame onto the person who expects the apology as a way to deflect the conversation off the original topic.

Fake apologies also don’t show a genuine desire to do better in the future.  The person’s behavior doesn’t change.  They may do the same thing again even after their so called apology.  Or, if the behavior is mentioned again, they say things like, “I said I was sorry!  What else do you want?”, “I won’t keep apologizing for this!” or, “I can’t help it!  This is just how I am!”

It can be difficult at first to tell the difference between genuine & fake apologies, but it’s important to be able to recognize the signs so that you can protect yourself from manipulation.  Pay attention to the person’s words & behavior after the apology to determine whether or not it’s genuine. 

Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean You’re OK With Resuming A Toxic Relationship

Back in 2016, I had a very interesting dream not long after my husband’s mother died. In it, she & I were together, & she tearfully apologized for how badly she had treated me. In the dream, I reacted much as I would if this happened in real life. I said thank you, I appreciate that, but please leave me alone. At that point, she left me alone & I woke up.

Many people would think this is proof I haven’t forgiven her for the abuse & the many problems she caused in my marriage. After all, there wasn’t any sort of affection coming from me. I didn’t hug her & say all is fine now. I was cold & wanted her to leave me alone, just like how I would have behaved if this had happened in my life instead of only in a dream. The truth is that forgiveness isn’t always about forgiving & forgetting, which is what God showed me in this dream. He showed me that forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean you are OK with resuming a relationship with that person.

Forgiveness has many facets. You can forgive that person who hurt you accidentally somehow because you know they honestly had no ill intentions towards you. They were truly ignorant of the problems their actions would cause. You also can forgive someone when their actions, although well intentioned, caused you problems that no one could foresee. You also can forgive someone their debt that they can’t repay you. In these instances, if the offending people are apologetic & change their behavior, the relationship can continue as normal. I firmly believe that most people think all forgiveness should be this way, but that is highly unrealistic. Sometimes, in spite of forgiving someone, you need to make changes in the relationship or even end it.

Let’s say a person owed you money then you forgave their debt continually kept trying to borrow more money from you. It would be foolish of you to lend them money & forgive their debt repeatedly, wouldn’t it? The same goes for someone who hurt you, then repeated that behavior even knowing how much it hurt you. It would be foolish to continue to allow this person to hurt you over & over again. You may continue the relationship with people like this, but your boundaries should be much stricter than they had been. Or, you may opt to end the relationship. Either way, your behavior would be reasonable under the circumstances. Also, either way, your behavior isn’t proof that you harbor unforgiveness.

When someone has hurt, used or abused you repeatedly, it is possible to forgive them while not being ready to continue the relationship as it was. Or, if you ended the relationship, it’s possible to forgive them while not being willing to resume a relationship.

I believe that forgiving someone means that you harbor no ill will towards them. You don’t wish the worst on them. You also release them from any expectations of trying to make it up to you for what they have done. If they do, great! If not, that is fine too, but it does mean you need to adjust your behavior in ways that protect you from their bad behavior.

If you have changed or ended a relationship with someone who repeatedly hurts you, please don’t let anyone tell you that you haven’t forgiven them or you should “forgive & forget.” Never forget, there is nothing bad in or wrong with setting boundaries or ending toxic relationships.

Forgiveness After Abuse

Many people who have survived an abusive relationship, whether the abuser is a family member or spouse, have been told they must forgive their abuser if they truly want to heal.  It is often said like forgiveness is a magic wand – once you decide to forgive, you do, all damage caused by the abuse is gone, the abuser has an epiphany about their horrible behavior & abuser & victim live happily ever after.  Sadly, this is absolutely NOT the case!

Forgiveness can be an absolutely wonderful thing.  Unfortunately though the topic is misunderstood by so many, & the people who believe wrongly seem to be the loudest about the value of forgiveness.

To start with, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgive & forget.  There are many Scriptures that mention forgiveness in the Bible, but nowhere is “forgive & forget” mentioned.  In fact, I consider it to be a very un-biblical concept.  Jesus says we are to be as wise as serpents yet innocent as doves in Matthew 10:16.  Forgiving & forgetting to me seems completely unwise.  If someone is abusive, then their victim forgives & forgets abusive incidents, the abuser readily will repeat their abusive behavior because they know there will be no consequences.  However, if you give them consequences for their behavior, there is a much better chance of them changing.  Clearly that isn’t always the case but it creates a much more likely scenario than forgiving & forgetting, & allowing them to abuse you repeatedly.

Many people think that forgiveness & reconciliation are the same thing, but clearly they are not! Luke 17:3-4 in the Amplified Bible say, “Pay attention and always be on guard [looking out for one another]! If your brother sins and disregards God’s precepts, solemnly warn him; and if he repents and changes, forgive him.  ¹⁴ Even if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times and says, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him [that is, give up resentment and consider the offense recalled and annulled].”  Notice how it states that the offending person repents, you are to forgive him.  It doesn’t say you must forgive no matter what.

Many people who misunderstand Godly forgiveness are also quick to quote the part of Ephesians 4:26 that says not to let the sun go down on your anger.  They quote only a small portion of the verse.  In reality, it says, “Ephesians 4:26  “Be angry [at sin—at immorality, at injustice, at ungodly behavior], yet do not sin; do not let your anger [cause you shame, nor allow it to] last until the sun goes down.”  According to this verse, anger is acceptable as long as you don’t allow it to motivate you to doing something shameful or sinful such as doing something vengeful to hurt the person who hurt you.

Another interesting point to consider about Ephesians 4:26.  It shows what actions are acceptable reasons for feeling anger.  Sin, immorality, injustice & ungodly behavior.  There should never be a point in a person’s life that such things don’t make them angry!  Feeling neutral about them or accepting them would normalize some pretty terrible behavior that should not be normal under any circumstances.  You can forgive a person while still being furious about the wicked & cruel things they have done to you.  I can tell you that I have forgiven my parents, but I still despise the cruel things they did to me in my lifetime.

If someone tells you that you need to hurry up & forgive your abuser or even “forgive & forget,” then please disregard what they say.  Forgive God’s way when you are ready to take that step.  Don’t let anyone make you feel as if you aren’t forgiving fast enough, as doing that can slow down the healing process.  Take the step when you feel ready to do so & only then.  And, never forget that you are always going to feel some anger at what was done to you because it was wrong.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way!  It’s a healthy way to feel & yes, even a Christian way to feel!

When Narcissists Say You Should Just Turn The Other Cheek

Narcissists with any knowledge of the Bible whatsoever, no matter how minimal, often portray themselves as all knowing on the topic.  They use their so called wisdom to help them abuse their victims.  One way they do this is by convincing their victims that if they are truly Christians, they will forgive & forget anything the abuser says & does to them.  They may mention how “real” Christians always turn the other cheek.  They refer to Matthew 5:38-39 to prove their point. In the English Standard Version, these verses say, “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” As usual, they take this completely out of context.  When these verses are said alone, without reading the rest of the chapter or at the very least, the surrounding verses, they do sound like you should simply forgive & forget, & tolerate abuse.  Nothing could be further from the truth, however!

Matthew 7:6 also in the English Standard Version says, “Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.”  There are a couple of interesting points about this Scripture .  First, dogs & pigs are used to represent those who detest holy, sacred things in the Bible.  Second, giving these unholy ones things that are valuable & holy means they will turn on you & attack you. 

Doesn’t this sound like a narcissist when you forgive & forget?  When you forgive & forget, they don’t change their ways.  If anything, they get worse. They know they can do whatever they like without having to face any consequences. 

If a narcissist tells you that you need to forgive & forget or else you’re not a good Christian (whatever that means to them), then please remember this!  They are only saying such things to try to force you to tolerate their abuse.  It’s not true!  There is absolutely nothing good, holy or Godly about tolerating abuse, period!

What is good, holy & Godly is exercising wisdom when you must deal with narcissists.  Have & enforce good, healthy boundaries.  No, the narcissist won’t like that, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong or bad or whatever else they say you are.  By limiting or even eliminating their chance to abuse you, you are not only protecting yourself, but you’re also helping them.  They need to know there are consequences for their behavior, & they can’t always treat people any old way they want to & get away with that forever.  Boundaries also remove the opportunity for the narcissist to sin.  That is always a good thing!

It also is good, holy & Godly to remember what the narcissist has done.  Knowledge truly is power.  Whether you allow the narcissist in your life or cast them out of it, never forget what they have done!  Remembering it keeps you on guard against them & other people who behave the same way.  It also helps you to spot toxic people easily, so you won’t end up in other abusive relationships.  You also have knowledge that can help someone who doesn’t have that same knowledge.  You can give them such a gift by sharing that knowledge with them. 

When People Claim Abusers Don’t Know What They’re Doing

I once saw a meme that basically said to forgive your parents no matter what they have done to you.  They were wounded from their childhood & didn’t know what they were doing to you because of that.  It’s up to you to break the cycle. 

I’ve noticed this mentality is pretty common, & not always with parents.  It can be said with an abusive spouse who was raised watching one parent abuse the other.  It also can be said of the mother in-law mistreats her daughter in-law.  Her mother in-law wasn’t good to her so clearly she must not know how to be a good mother in-law.

The problem with this is this is nothing more than an excuse.  It’s an apologist stand in favor of abusive people.  It is so wrong!

While yes, people whose parents abused them may not know how to be a good parent, but they at least know what not to do.  Those parents know that certain things a parent can do to a child hurt the child, because their parents did those things to them.  As a result, they shouldn’t do those same things to their children.

Many people who survive abuse in some way stop the cycle.  They recognize the behaviors they were subjected to were bad, so they don’t repeat the behaviors.  They try not to be like their abusers.  They probably will make mistakes but they recognize they did things wrong & change their behavior accordingly.  They also don’t act out of maliciousness.  People like this deserve mercy & understanding because at least they are trying.

There are others who aren’t so worthy of understanding. 

A parent who can watch their child cry because of something they have said or done without emotion & makes no changes to avoid hurting their child again is not innocent.

A parent who regularly criticizes their child, even to the point of brining the child to tears or causing that child to feel shame while offering no assistance in improving the problem being criticized is not making innocent mistakes.  That is someone who enjoys deliberately hurting their child.

A parent who laughs at their child or is obviously disgusted with this child also is someone who enjoys deliberately hurting their child by destroying their self esteem.

A parent who keeps their child from relationships with safe people is not protecting their child, nor are they innocent.  They are deliberately isolating their child so they can abuse that child.

A parent who controls their child & makes that child into what they want the child to be rather than allow the child to be the person God made them to be isn’t innocent either.  They are abusive.

While I do agree it is best to forgive abusers in the sense of releasing abusers from you having any expectation of making things up to their victims, I firmly believe that forgiving & forgetting abusive people because “they just don’t know better” when their actions say otherwise is a foolish move.  Doing so only allows abusers to continue to abuse without consequences.  That isn’t good for victims, because it means they will tolerate so much suffering.  It also isn’t good for abusers either, because it means they will continue in their unhealthy, abusive & even sinful behavior rather than having any chance to improve themselves.

Forgiveness & How It Relates To Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse

The Bible has many wonderful verses about forgiveness.  They are scattered throughout both the Old & New Testaments

There is a slight problem with these verses though.  It isn’t even the verses, but how verses are quoted by some people.  I’ll give you an example from my own life.  Years ago, my father was in the hospital briefly.  I did most of the communicating with the medical staff.  Some of the care he received was terrible & I was angry about it.  I was also frustrated because as his daughter, there wasn’t much I could do on his behalf.  That was my mother’s job & she didn’t seem to want to do anything.  One of my father’s sisters called me one day after an especially frustrating time at the hospital.  Upon realizing I was angry, she scolded me for being angry.  Said I need to let this go & forgive the people who caused my anger & do it NOW.  While I did that eventually, that was the lowest priority in my life at that time.  My anger helped motivate me to push the staff to treat him better & to push my mother to do what she needed to do as well.  It was also reasonable to be angry in that situation, contrary to what my aunt seemed to think.  Scolding me for responding appropriately didn’t help & in fact, made the situation worse in a way because then I was also angry with her.

This sort of scenario happens often with people who have been abused when they tell Christians about it.  I heard early in my Christian walk that I needed to focus on forgiving my parents & ex husband.  In fact, one woman told me, “I don’t know what your problem is.  God says forgive so I just do it.”  Talk about shame inducing!

It also doesn’t help that many people think to forgive someone always means you “forgive & forget.”  That is often the worst thing a person can do!

Forgiveness Scriptures are a wonderful thing, but unfortunately many people misunderstand & misapply them.

For one thing, to forgive someone doesn’t necessarily mean “forgive & forget”.  It can, of course, but for small things only.  Your best friend forgets your birthday should be one of those, especially if that person has a lot going on in their life & this is the first time it’s happened.  Applied to those of us who have been abused however?  Forgiving & forgetting is a terrible mistake!  Doing so only sets yourself up for further abuse.  It also doesn’t give the other person consequences for their actions, so they continue with their bad behavior not only with you but with others as well.  This is obviously NOT a good thing!

Forgiveness also doesn’t necessarily equal reconciliation.  It can, but it doesn’t have to mean that.  Regarding the narcissists in my life, I thought of forgiving them more like forgiving a debt.  When someone forgives a debt, that means they no longer expect the borrower to repay them what they owe.  In abusive relationships, the abuser does owe the victim at the very least an apology.  When you release the abuser from owing you that apology & whatever else they owe you, you have forgiven them.  You may still feel some anger towards them, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven them.  It means you released them from owing you anything for the suffering they caused.  In time, the anger will lessen, but it may not go away entirely.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing, because abuse should be something that stirs up anger in everyone!

Also, to truly forgive someone, you have to feel & process your emotions first.  Forgiveness can’t truly happen until you do that, I believe.  That process can take a long time sometimes, especially when a person has been abused.

Dear Reader, don’t let anyone shame you for not forgiving your abuser quickly enough.  I firmly believe that as long as you want to do that & are working on it, God isn’t angry with you.  He understands that you simply aren’t able to do it right this moment.  He will help you get there too.  All you need to do is ask for that help!

When You Hate Someone

Those of you close to me know that my husband & I have bought his late parents’ home from his two sisters.  Our situation has been challenging & rather different though in many ways from a typical home purchase.  For one thing, I haven’t spoken to them since 2002, & haven’t broken that even during this process.

They haven’t been good to my husband during this process, & it’s made me so angry, I realized I went from feeling nothing for them to hating them

As a Christian, this isn’t somewhere I wanted to be but I wasn’t sure how not to feel that way.  I asked God to help me not hate them a couple of times, but mostly just tried not to think about it.  Anything that is ignored doesn’t just disappear, so I have no idea why I thought that was smart.

While I was ignoring this hate in my heart, I had a dream one night.  In it, the only part I could remember was seeing a large flock of white doves.  I looked up the symbolism.  One possible meaning of doves in a dream is that you need to release any hatred you feel.  So much for ignoring it!

I got serious about asking God to help me get rid of this hate.  Matthew 5:44 came to mind.  In the Amplified translation, it says, “But I say to you, love [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for] your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,”  This really isn’t my favorite Scripture, to be honest.  It might be my least favorite in fact.  Even so, that doesn’t mean it can be ignored.  I started praying for them.  Not just as my in-laws or my husband’s sisters.  By name.  I forced myself to think of each one of them specifically as I prayed for them.  Somehow it felt like the right thing to do & I am so glad I did it!

The first two or three times I did this, it was hard.  I wasn’t sincere.  I was only praying for them because I knew that is what God wanted me to do.  Then little by little, the hatred started to disappear.  It didn’t just vanish all at once.  It took lots of praying for them, & with each prayer, a bit of hate would disappear.

Once I’d decided to pray for them, I noticed that often, I’d think of them out of the blue, & get really angry.  Rather than sit with that anger, I’d pray for them.  Even if it was just a simple prayer, asking God to turn their hearts to Him or to bless them, I’d still pray it.  And you know something?  The more I did that, the less the anger reared its ugly head.

I don’t want you to misunderstand me.  I’m not saying that all is forgiven & forgotten, we’re going to be best friends now.  I am still angry about the terrible behavior they have exhibited towards my husband.  That is reasonable, I believe, because we should always be angry about someone we love being mistreated, but especially when the abusive person shows no signs of remorse.  I also will continue not to have a relationship with them for the rest of our lives. 

Praying for them took me to a much more reasonable & even Godly place.  God doesn’t want His children hating others, but He does want us hating what is evil, according to Romans 12:9.  Abusing someone without remorse or changing behavior is evil, so there is nothing wrong with hating such things.  There is also nothing bad with having healthy boundaries in place.  Examples of setting healthy boundaries are sprinkled all throughout the Bible.

If you have gotten to a place that I was where you hate someone, then please consider praying for that person as I did.  It really is worth the effort.  It truly helps!  It’ll help the person you’re praying for & it’ll help you by allowing you to release that hatred in your heart.   

Truths About Forgiveness

Many people talk about forgiveness as if it means you resume a relationship as if nothing happened.  You also no longer feel any anger or hurt.  It’s as if a magic wand has wiped away all evidence that the painful event happened!  And, if this isn’t the case in your situation, clearly something is very wrong with you.

Unfortunately nothing could be further from the truth!  Believing these lies has done a lot of emotional damage to victims of narcissistic abuse.  I want to share the truth about forgiveness in this post.

Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily equal reconciliation.  Some relationships have run their course & need to end for various reasons.  One example is when one person in the relationship is abusive & shows no interest in changing their ways.  Staying in a relationship with someone who abuses you simply makes no sense!  Even if the abuser is a spouse or family member, it’s best to leave the abuser behind.

Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that a relationship needs to continue exactly as it was.  When someone does something very bad to someone else, that bad behavior needs to stop.  Continuing the abusive behavior over & over is terrible for the victim & also the abuser.  The abuser learns that their behavior is perfectly acceptable.  Clearly this is NOT good for either party!

Forgiving someone is much like forgiving a debt.  If you lend someone money & they can’t pay you back, you can “forgive” their debt.  In other words, you don’t expect them to repay you & you don’t mention that they owe you.  That debt is a done deal.  When someone wrongs you, you can do something similar by not expecting them to try to make it up to you for what they have done.  Doing this really lifts a great deal of weight & stress from you!

Forgiveness also doesn’t necessarily mean that you never feel anger or hurt about the incident again.  If you forgive someone as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, that does open the door to your anger & hurt diminishing or even disappearing in time.  Some abusive actions are so egregious though, that there may always be a degree of hurt or anger attached to the memory.  That doesn’t mean that you haven’t forgiven the person who hurt you.  It means that the action was really terrible.  Remember me sharing the story of when my mother threw me into a wall when I was 19?  I honestly have forgiven her for that.  Remembering the incident, however, still makes me cringe.  Sometimes it even makes my back hurt in the location she injured it.  That doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven her, am holding onto bitterness or am not a good Christian.  It means that was a really bad action!

When it comes to the business of forgiving, I do my best immediately to decided to forgive.  Most likely there is nothing the person can do anyway to completely make it up to me for what they have done, so I mentally release them from that “debt” of sorts.

I also have found praying to be VERY helpful.  I ask God to help me forgive naturally, but also tell Him how I feel.  I say it was wrong of them to do or say whatever they did.  I cry or rant to get my feelings out & that helps so much.  He is never surprised or offended either.  He lets me say whatever I need to.

Journaling is also helpful.  I’ve learned that writing things down helps bring clarity to situations that speaking about them doesn’t.  There is something so helpful about seeing things in writing!

If you don’t journal, you still can get the benefits of writing.  Write letters you never send to the person who has hurt or abused you.  Let it all out in them, too.  Once you’re done, you can save the letter somewhere well hidden or you can dispose of it.  I used to burn mine.  It was like the anger & hurt went up in flames with the paper.  Strange, I know, but still very helpful.

You don’t have to live up to the impossibly high standards some folks have of forgiveness.  It’s unrealistic & unhealthy!  Remember these truths about forgiveness.. I believe they will help you!

About Anger In Adult Children Of Narcissistic Parents

 

Forgiveness After Narcissistic Abuse

One thing that every adult victim of narcissistic parents I have spoken with has struggled with is forgiving their parents.

So many people, particularly Christians, think that these victims need to forgive & forget.  They often quote Ephesians 4:26 which says, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”  When victims struggle with forgiving & forgetting, they are shamed & even shunned by the very people who should support them, creating even more pain, guilt & shame in the victim.

I want to give you a new perspective on forgiveness that I think can help you today.

If you look at the definition of forgive, nowhere does it say you don’t feel anger.  According to Merriam-Webster.com, to forgive means:

1 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON; forgive one’s enemies
2a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for; forgive an insult
b : to grant relief from payment of; forgive a debt

It’s possible to forgive someone while still feeling anger for them.  What I mean is when you forgive someone, you decide that they don’t owe you an apology or repentance. You won’t try to collect that “debt” from them.  You have released that person from paying you the debt that they owe you.  This is what I try to do any time someone mistreats me- give up expectations of an apology immediately.  That way, I have forgiven that person, as God wants me to do.  Yet, even forgiving quickly doesn’t mean I may not still feel some anger for that person for a while.  See what I mean?  You can forgive while still feeling anger.

I also firmly believe that releasing the anger you feel can be a process.  If the waitress makes a mistake on your order or a clerk is rude, those minor incidents are easy to forgive.  Big issues though, it takes time to work through the anger.   Processing anger from years of abuse takes a lot of time & work, especially if you learned early in life to ignore your anger which is the case with most children of narcissistic parents.

There is also the fact many people think to forgive your abusive parents is a one time thing.  You just forgive everything in one fell swoop & *poof* you’re not angry & you never will be angry again with them.  As anyone who has tried to forgive their narcissistic parents knows, that isn’t how it works.  You have to work through many different traumas individually, not lump them all together as one big trauma.

I honestly can say I have forgiven my narcissistic parents.   However, there are still some times I feel anger at them.

When a repressed memory comes back to mind, I feel anger at my parents about the incident.  When I have flashbacks, nightmares, the anxiety & depression get bad, I also feel  anger.  It’s their fault I have C-PTSD, after all.  Plus, when I told my father about having it, he ignored me then changed the subject.  Sometimes I also feel anger when others talk about what a great relationship they have with their parents.  I wanted that with mine, but wasn’t able to have it, because their narcissism was more important to them than me.

Do you think this means I haven’t forgiven my parents? If so, I’d have to respectfully disagree.  I have released my parents from any responsibility to apologize or make amends with me, which is the definition of forgiving.

Yes, there are times I still feel anger at them, as I admitted, & I think it’s very normal.  I also work through the anger & release it quickly.  That is the best I can do, & I know God honors that I am trying.  That’s all He asks of us, to try our best.

If someone tells you you’re wrong for not forgiving your narcissistic parents, Dear Reader, please remember what I said in this post.  If you don’t expect your parents to apologize or repay you for the trauma they inflicted on you, you already have forgiven them.  The more you heal, the less anger you’ll feel towards them.  It just takes some time.

Forgiveness

About Forgiveness

True forgiveness has been very warped by people.  So many thing it means “forgive & forget” & if you can’t do that, you’re no Christian & a terrible person.  I really don’t believe that however.

 

Yes, the Bible states that we are to forgive those who have trespassed against us (Matthew 6:12, 15; 18:21; Luke 7:47, 11:4, 17:3;  John 20:23; 2 Corinthians 2:10).  But, nowhere in the Bible does it state, “Forgive & forget.  Let abusive people continue to abuse you with zero consequences!”  Quite honestly, I believe that is just stupid to do when a person shows no remorse for their actions!  If you don’t remember what they did to you, you open the door for them to abuse you over & over.

 

A good friend recently showed me what forgiveness really means, & this “forgive & forget” thing people preach isn’t it.

 

If you forgive someone, it means they no longer owe you a debt.  For example, if you lend someone $100, but they can’t repay it, you can opt to forgive their debt to you by telling them they no longer need to repay you that $100.  You act as if they never borrowed that money from you, you don’t bring it up again.  However, you may decide never to lend them money again since they didn’t repay you the first time.

 

If someone hurts or abuses you, they should “repay” you by apologizing & making things right if at all possible.  Chances are slim that will happen if you’re dealing with a narcissist or even if that person is simply selfish &, well, a jerk.

 

This situation leaves you with 2 choices- wait for that apology or forgive them the debt of owing you that apology.  Personally, I opt to forgive, & quickly.

 

The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down on your wrath,” (KJV).  Nowhere in this Scripture does it say doing this will make you feel warm & fuzzy!  God basically says you just need to release the need for that person to make it up to you for what they did.  Once you realize this, you also realize that in time your emotions will catch up, that you won’t feel angry any longer.

 

I think there is also a common misconception that when your emotions catch up, even thinking about what happened will no longer upset you.  However, I don’t believe that is quite the case.

 

It isn’t a sign of unforgiveness if what they did to you stirs up some emotion.

 

I don’t think or talk about my late mother in-law very often.  She passed away last year & prior to that, I hadn’t spoken to her in 14 years.  She was a very skilled covert narcissist, & after tolerating her abuse for the first 8 years of my relationship with my husband, I simply couldn’t take anymore.

 

Yesterday, I was working on a book I’ve been writing.  I mentioned how once in 1999 (I think anyway.. around that time), my mother in-law wanted me to do something for her.  I had an appointment that day, so I told her I couldn’t do it.  Granted, I probably could have moved some things around & been there for her, but I didn’t want to.  She was horrible to me- why would I want to help her?  As soon as I said I wasn’t available, my mother in-law tried to find out why.   She used guilt, shame, & even demands to find out what was so important that I couldn’t help her.  I refused to tell her.  Not only was it none of her business but she would have told her daughters what was happening with me (not their business either) & she probably would’ve found some way to use the information I gave her to hurt me at some future date.

 

Remembering this incident still angers me to a degree.  I thought it must be a sign that I haven’t forgiven her.  But, once I thought that, God quickly revealed to me that is not the case.

 

Forgiving someone completely doesn’t necessarily mean you never feel emotions over the awful things they did to you.  You can forgive someone completely, yet still feel some anger about the fact that they hurt or used you.  If you didn’t feel that way, chances are you would ignore signs that show you are about to be used & hurt that same way again.

 

So, the next time someone tells you that you need to work on forgiving someone, remember what I said, Dear Reader.  Chances are, you have forgiven that person as God wants you to.  xoxo

 

 

Forgiving Narcissists

Many people have very definite opinions on the topic of forgiving narcissists.  Usually it’s one of two extremes- either you forgive & forget, or you refuse to forgive because narcissists don’t deserve forgiveness & aren’t sorry for the damage they cause anyway.

 

I am a firm believer in forgiveness, but not in the “forgive & forget” sense.

 

In a relationship with a narcissist, if someone confronts a narcissist, they can count on any of a variety of possible, ugly scenarios happening:  The narcissist denies everything, the narcissist blames the victim for “making” her act that way, the narcissist turns the tables so she is the victim & the real victim is mean/unreasonable, or the narcissist recruits her flying monkeys to talk some “sense” into the victim while taking attention off the narcissist’s actions & making her look like an innocent victim.

 

When this happens, many people end all contact or greatly limit their contact with the narcissist.  Often, especially in Christian circles, this is mistaken as the victim hating the narcissist or holding a grudge.  That can be true of course, but in my experience, it’s seldom the case.

 

Using myself as an example, I’ve had to end friendships.  The hardest was with an old friend I’d had for over 20 years.  I’d prayed a great deal before doing so, & knew in my heart it was the right choice.  Not because I hated my friend, but because I knew I deserved to be treated better than I was being treated.  I forgave him for his actions, but since I’d seen him changing, realized I would be hurt again if I continued the friendship.  I didn’t trust him anymore.

 

I’ve seen many scenarios with adult daughters of narcissistic mothers that are very similar.  The daughters go no contact because of how awfully their mothers treated them, & they learn their mothers are trash talking them to other people which shows they don’t want to fix things.  It also shows they have no desire to apologize or accept responsibility for what they have done.  These daughters are seldom angry about what their mothers have done, & almost never say they hate their mothers.  I would guess that 99% of the daughters I’ve spoken with in these situations don’t harbor anger.  They have forgiven their mothers, but they also know they have to have her out of their lives for the sake of their own mental health &/or to protect their husbands & children.

 

Unfortunately with narcissists, a normal, functional, healthy pattern of working problems out doesn’t happen.  Normally, someone is approached about the hurtful action they did, that person apologizes & if necessary, changes their actions to regain your trust.  Since that won’t happen with a narcissist, many times very limited or no contact is the only option left.  If you are in that situation, please don’t allow others to make you feel badly for making that choice or accuse you of being unforgiving or un-Christian.  Do what you believe you need to do!

 

And, remember- forgiveness isn’t about the narcissist.  It’s something you do for yourself because you deserve better than carrying around anger or bitterness.  That is all.  It can be done whether or not you’re in a relationship with your abuser.  Reconciling the relationship & learning to trust the abuser require that person’s participation, but forgiving her does not.

Praying For Others Who Hurt You

Recently, I saw this Scripture…

 

Proverbs 6:16-19  “16 These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:  17 A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, 18 An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, 19 A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.”  (KJV)

Immediately, I thought of my mother.  She has done all of these things.  Immediately after I thought of that, I felt a burden to pray for her.  I decided that since my memory is pretty bad, I’d set an alarm on my cell phone to remind me to pray for her every morning.  Shortly after, I decided to add my father to that morning prayer.

 

I don’t know what’s going to happen, if they will change or not.  It is up to them if they respond to or ignore God’s promptings to change.  However, whether or not they do, I know praying for them is changing me.  It’s only been a few days, but so far, so good.  I feel a new peace knowing I have done something good for them.

 

When someone hurts or abuses you, it’s so hard to pray for them at first.  It may even take years before you feel able to do so, especially when the hurt goes deep.  I have been a Christian since February, 1996, & in that time, I admit, I haven’t prayed much for my parents or even my in-laws.  They all hurt me too deeply.  I tried, but sometimes prayed through gritted teeth.    Starting to pray for my parents regularly this time hasn’t been easy, but I pushed through.  I am glad I did, because the more I do it, the easier it gets.  The more sincere I am in my prayers.  And, I’ll probably add the in-laws to my daily prayers.

 

I know this may seem a very daunting task, but why don’t you give it a try too?  Even when you pray through gritted teeth like me, God will honor your willingness to do so & make it easier for you to pray for them.  You truly will be blessed when you pray for others as I have been.

 

 

Thoughts On Forgiveness

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!

It’s come to my attention recently that not a lot of people really understand true, Godly forgiveness, so I thought I’d write about my thoughts on the topic.

Unforgiveness prevents you from spending your life happy. Unforgiveness is not only detrimental to your emotional/mental health but your physical health too. Things like high blood pressure, diabetes, ulcers, kidney & heart problems can stem from carrying around that negativity. Forgiveness, however, gives you no health problems & gives you peace & joy. It’s no wonder God wants us to forgive! (see Ephesians 4:32)

Unfortunately, I think people often believe forgiving others means you should pretend what hurt you didn’t even happen. Forgive & forget, as the old saying goes. While a lot of times, you should forgive & forget, there are other times that simply isn’t wise! Forget the small infractions, like that person in line behind you bumping your heel with the grocery cart. But if someone repeatedly hurts you, don’t forget that! If you do, basically you’re setting yourself up to be hurt again. For example, if someone is verbally abusive, & you forgive & forget every time, you’re going to be hurt many times. Instead, you need to be aware of what this person is capable of, & protect yourself from her verbal attacks however you feel is right.

Forgiveness also has nothing to do with the person who abused or hurt you- it is about you & you alone. You deserve better than being angry & bitter! Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It doesn’t discredit what was done to you, or a sign of weakness. It means you want to obey God, & be good to yourself at the same time.

Some people think that cutting people out of your life is a sign you hate them, still harbor anger or aren’t a good Christian. This is simply NOT the case! I have ended quite a few relationships in my life, & not once was that done in anger. I did it after careful consideration & prayer, never during a fit of anger. To this day, I harbor no ill-will or unforgiveness towards those people I have eliminated from my life, either. I simply don’t want to tolerate their mistreatment of me- I know I deserve better.

I know there are times it’s hard to forgive. When someone hurts you deeply or repeatedly, forgiveness seems impossible. The good news is that it isn’t. It may take some time for you to forgive someone, but that is fine! God understands that, & He can help you to forgive, too. All you’ll need is a desire to forgive.

-Your first step in forgiving others is a decision that you want to forgive. It sounds simple, but sometimes this is a hard step when you’re very angry or hurt. If you lack that desire, then by all means, ask God to help you!
-Also, try to see things from the offender’s perspective. That person could be in a bad mood because of going through something stressful, & unfairly took out her frustrations on you.
-And, some people are naturally selfish, insensitive, oblivious to the feelings of others. There are still other people simply never learned to treat others with respect & consideration.
-Ask God to help you release your anger. Sometimes it helps to imagine you are holding a bag containing your anger, then you place it at the foot of Jesus. I’ve done that a few times, & it can be helpful. Get your feelings out. Write a letter to the person that you never show her. Get it all out- why what she did hurt you. You can keep the letter if it helps you somehow, but I’ve found burning it to be oddly therapeutic.
-Lastly, this is the hardest part- pray for that person. (see Matthew 5:44). I have prayed through clenched teeth a few times-literally! But, I’ve learned that once you pray for that person, it releases some anger. The more you pray for her, the more anger is released.

Remember, forgiveness is good for truly good for you, & it doesn’t discount any pain you have experienced! Also, it can take time sometimes, & there is nothing wrong with that. Just because you can’t forgive someone immediately doesn’t make you a bad person! And, remember too that although there is a time to forgive & forget, there is also a time to forgive but remember! ❤

Guest Blog Post I Wrote On Forgiveness

http://hopeinhealingblog.wordpress.com/2014/04/29/forgivenessby-guest-blogger-cynthia/

Forgiveness Isn’t Easy, Especially Where Narcissists Are Concerned

Good morning, Dear Readers.  I hope this post finds you well today.

It’s been such a rough week here, first losing my sweet Georgie last Wednesday, then my dear aunt Sunday.  And, icing on the cake is that my mother is mad at me.  Yippie..  the only reason I can think of is either because I snapped at her recently during a conversation or because I didn’t call her on her birthday- I only sent a card.  (It was the day I lost Georgie- I was hurting too much to talk to anyone).

I realized she was mad on Sunday.  My husband, father & I were almost to my aunt’s home when my mother called my cell phone.  She said my cousin called & said my aunt passed away, so we shouldn’t bother coming.  When I spoke to my cousin later, he never mentioned saying that to her.  She also didn’t call me or send a birthday card yesterday.  She is using her favorite weapon- the silent treatment.  A common weapon of narcissists.  Funny thing though- I don’t know anyone who gets upset or feels bad when a narcissist stops speaking to them.  Personally, I enjoy it!  The timing works well for me, too.  I need some time to take care of myself & grieve my losses without any stupid, unnecessary drama.

Besides, I am angry with my mother right now.  When I was hanging out with my family Sunday, I was thinking how blessed I am.  They are wonderful people.  But, I didn’t even know they were until I was an adult.  As a child, my mother kept me close to her side at family gatherings.  I was barely allowed to speak to my paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins.  My mother despises her in-laws, & always has, so she didn’t let me interact with them.  Then, at age 17, my mother told me that my grandparents were ashamed of me.  It wasn’t long after, my now ex-husband said my mother was right, & that they didn’t care about me at all.  As a result, I stopped seeing my family completely for about 8 years. 

I did end up contacting my granddad 3 years before he died.  We quickly grew very close.  I also was blessed with growing close to other relatives for the first time.  I am extremely grateful for these relationships.  However, I still have trouble releasing the anger I feel about my mother keeping me from my family in the first place.  I don’t want to be mad anymore, but I just can’t seem to let it go, even though I’ve forgiven her for everything else.  Please pray for me.

Oh, a side note- Granddad told me nothing could be further from the truth.  He & Grandmom loved me a great deal…

I’m sorry this post isn’t inspirational or informative today.  I hope it at least let’s other children of narcissistic parents know you aren’t alone.  ❤

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?

I just read an interesting article about forgiveness.  It claims that sometimes unforgiveness is a good thing.  The article gave an example of a woman who was abused all of her life by her brother, then as an adult, she stopped speaking to him, attending family gatherings that he was also to attend, etc.  It confused me because to me, refusing to speak to her brother doesn’t necessarily mean she hasn’t forgiven him.  Not everyone in a situation like this is hanging onto anger- they are setting boundaries. 

I am a firm believer in forgiveness, & also a firm believer in setting healthy boundaries.  As an example, I have ended friendships with people who used me, lied to me, or even had Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I refuse to spend time with them ever again.  However, I’m not angry with them, nor do I wish them any harm.  I simply care enough about myself not to put myself in the path of being mistreated by people who have proved themselves fully capable of it.  

To me, forgiveness means refusing to allow anger to fester inside of me.  I hate feeling angry!!  As soon as it happens, I work through the anger as quickly as I can, then let it go.  It has nothing to do with the person who has made me angry- it is about me, & how I don’t want to go through life angry or bitter.

Forgiveness also doesn’t necessarily mean forgiving & forgetting.  Many times it does, of course, when the offense is small.  However,  if you are dealing with an abusive person, forgetting what they have done means you easily can set yourself up for further abuse.  Look at the example of a wife whose husband beats her.  If she forgives him & forgets, he will beat her again.  He will beg for forgiveness, she will forgive & forget, then he will beat her again.  The cycle will continue until she leaves him.  Leaving isn’t a matter of forgiveness or unforgiveness- it’s a matter of survival.  

Coming from a narcissistic mother, I have had to learn a lot about forgivness & boundaries. What I have written about here is the result of reading, listening to pastors preach on forgiveness, & praying.  I pray it blesses you!