Part of the reason narcissistic abuse is so damaging is the rejection. Rejection is at the core of many behaviors done by narcissists. Not hearing someone is rejecting them. Not allowing someone to have any rights is rejection. Mocking & criticizing someone is rejection. Failing to protect a child is rejecting them. Not being validated is rejection.
Rejection hurts, whether you’re a child or adult, & no matter who does the rejecting. However, it seems to me a child rejected by a parent hurts more than anything, & the pain often continues well into adulthood. There are ways to cope however.
You have to realize that a parent who abuses (rejects) their child is the one with the problem, not the child. I know, that is a tough thing to really get a good grasp on, but it is vital that you do! A child cannot do anything that forces her parent to reject her- that is on the parent.
When your parent rejects or hurts you, ask God to tell you the truth about the situation. As soon as possible, get into prayer. Ask God, “Is my parent right in what she said about me?” “Did I deserve to be treated that way?” or any other questions you may have, then wait on Him to speak to you. God cannot lie. He will tell you the truth, & it will heal your wounds! I have done this many times. God has carried me through some incredibly painful experiences by simply speaking His truth, the real truth, to my heart.
Look at the situation from your parent’s perspective. If your parent is a narcissist & you aren’t, this can be kind of tricky, but I encourage you to try it. It will show you the depths of their dysfunction, which will help you to understand that you aren’t the problem. For example, my mother has always had problems with my looks. I look absolutely nothing like her, but instead look like my father’s family, in particular my grandmother. Looking at it through my mother’s eyes, I can see how this is a problem. My mother told me she assumed I would look like her when I was born, but I didn’t. She hates her in-laws, all of them, & here I am, looking like them instead of her. Her mother in-law to boot! Does that mean it was OK for her to be so hyper critical & cruel to me about my looks? Of course not. But, understanding that showed me that I’m not the repulsive, ugly creature she always treated me like, & my mother has problems to treat me that way! In fact, my grandmom was a beauty in her youth, so I consider it an honor to look like her.
Accept the fact that your parent isn’t capable of loving you in a normal, healthy way that a parent should love a child. This one is hard & very painful, but you need to do it. If you don’t, you might cling to the hope that she’ll change. Instead, you’ll constantly be disappointed that your parent didn’t treat you better this time when you saw each other. Your parent not changing has nothing to do with you- no one can make another person change. Instead, it has everything to do with your parent not wishing to change, to be emotionally healthier.
Talk about your pain. Pray. Talk to a trusted friend or relative. Write in your journal. Get the hurt & pain out of you so it doesn’t poison you.
Be prepared- you may feel anger that you’ve never felt before. The more you heal from narcissistic abuse, the more you see things through a healthier perspective. That means that what was once normal for you suddenly you see as incredibly dysfunctional or abusive. This is going to make you angry. I started getting angry at my mother a few years ago for ordering me around like I was her personal slave rather than asking me to do thing for her. All my life, that was just how she was. No biggie. Once I got much healthier, I realized I deserve better than to be bossed around so disrespectfully, & it made me very angry. As the anger rises up in you, don’t be afraid of it. Don’t ignore it, because it won’t just go away. Find healthy ways of dealing with it. Talk to God about it. Vent to someone close. Write scathing, angry letters that you don’t show to anyone. Just get the anger out of you!
