Narcissists rely greatly on lies. Their lies help narcissists not only maintain the image of themselves they want other people to see, but also they help them to abuse their victims. Today, I would like to address some of their big lies they don’t want to get out.
Narcissists are necessary to live a good life, or so they say. Narcissists love to make their victims feel like without them, the victim wouldn’t succeed at all. The truth however is much different. The truth is without them, victims will succeed & be much happier. If you consider your life with & without the narcissist involved, no doubt you will see a LOT of differences. Your life without the narcissist was much better, wasn’t it?
You aren’t really the problem in the relationship. Narcissists love to lay the blame for all problems in the relationship on their victim, but you know what? That isn’t true! The problems in relationships boil down to the narcissist, every single time. They make the choice to abuse, & to push victims’ buttons relentlessly until they blow up. Victims respond in perfectly understandable ways in these situations. That doesn’t make any victim the problem in the relationship.
The narcissist also lied about how other people see you. Narcissists love to tell victims that other people see them as bad, abusive, mentally unbalanced & more as a way to isolate them. If a narcissist can convince their victim that everyone sees them a certain way, then chances of that victim looking to others for help or others telling the victim that the narcissist is abusing them are very slim.
They say you’ll never find someone who loves you as much as the narcissist. Narcissists love to tell their victims that no one could ever love them like the narcissist “loves” them. My ex husband told me that once, & you know something? He was right! I haven’t been in any other relationship with anyone who “loved” me like he did, & that is a wonderful thing! The only other person who will love you like the narcissist has is another narcissist. Functional people will love you in ways that don’t destroy your self esteem, identity, peace of mind, finances, life…
Whatever the narcissist said about you was wrong. I know, it can be very hard to believe this after the narcissist drilled certain things into your mind, but I promise you, it’s true. They don’t take the time to get to know their victims well, so they truly don’t know their victims, even though many will say they know the victim better than the victim knows himself or herself. Narcissists also work hard to convince their victims that they are stupid, ugly, lazy, worthless & much more as a means to gain control over them by ruining their self esteem. There is not one grain of truth in any of the terrible things the narcissist told you about yourself.
I pray this list of some of the secrets narcissists have helps you to see the truth, & be happier & healthier.
Being Over Sensitive To Criticism
I’ve noticed recently that I am way more sensitive to criticism than I used to be. It’s not that I care what people think, but I care that people feel they must share their negative opinions with me when I didn’t ask for their opinions.
When I first realized this, I chalked it up to getting older & crankier. In time though, I realized it’s not only those things. I firmly believe it is because of having experienced narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists are most likely the most judgmental & critical of all people. They must share any & all opinions of their victims they have at all times. They favor negative ones in particular as a way to chip away at their victims’ self esteem since low self esteem makes a person easy to control & abuse.
If by some chance narcissists think something positive about their victims, they won’t offer any praise. They prefer to do much crueler things. The best option is they simply withhold praise, but that seldom happens. Instead, they prefer to claim responsibility for that good thing such as by claiming if they hadn’t pushed the victim, he or she never would have gotten that promotion at work. Narcissistic parents also claim that their victim/child got whatever talent they have from that parent. This means that when their child gets praise for something, the parent often says something along the lines of, “She got that talent from me.”
Another common scenario with narcissists is to twist the good thing in their victim around so it looks bad, thus ruining that good thing. For example, many years back, before I decided to focus only on writing, I did some editing work. I was blessed to work with one amazing client & mentioned the work to my mother. That was a huge mistake, but at that time, I didn’t know anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I mentioned my client & the work I was enjoying doing for her because I naively thought my mother would be happy for me. She always fancied herself a skilled writer, & she was, but she never worked in the field. I thought she might be happy that I was working in the field & enjoying myself. Well, not only did she not share my joy, but a few days later she ruined mine. She did this by saying she was thinking of getting into editing work because (& this is her wording), “it’s such easy money. Obviously anyone can do it.”
Narcissists also beat their victims down with criticism. When my husband & I got together, his mother repeatedly told me how much she hated my car. For years, I heard constant hateful comments. Many times I wanted to tell her, “I know. You hate my car. You think it’s the worst car in the whole world. There’s no need to keep telling me. I figured out how you feel after the first 50,000 times you mentioned it!”
After going through these things for years at the hands of narcissists, I really think that no matter how much we may have healed, criticism is still a very tough thing for us to handle, even when we don’t care about someone else’s opinions. We are burned out on criticism, negativity & cruelty. We also had it drilled into us how awful we are or something about us is. After years of this, we get to the point where criticism, unless it’s clearly well meaning & meant to help, is incredibly irritating. So many times I have wanted to tell someone, “Your opinion wasn’t asked for & truly means nothing. Why must you share it? And, why do you think it’s ok to be such a disrespectful jerk?”
If this describes you, I so relate! It’s frustrating! I have learned the best way to handle criticism that is unasked for & unfair is to stop for a moment. Inhale deeply then exhale to calm your mind & body. Remind yourself that you are having a reaction to the narcissistic abuse, nothing more. Also remind yourself that not all people have good social skills. Some are very critical simply because they haven’t learned any better. That doesn’t mean they are narcissists or are out to hurt you. They are simply oblivious. And, remember that just because someone is criticizing you doesn’t mean what they said is true. Consider what they have to say, & if it’s wrong, disregard it. If they are right, although it was a painful way to learn, you still learned something. That is a good thing.
If you know the person who is critical, then you know if you can talk openly to them or not. If you can, gently let them know how you feel. They may have simply not realized how what they said sounded. Or they may be struggling with something & took their frustrations out on you.
And as always, remember to pray. Ask God for wisdom & help in your situation, & He will provide you whatever you need!
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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism
Tagged as abuse, comments, critical, criticism, criticize, disorder, emotional, judgemental, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic, negative, negativity, personality, verbal