Many people are aware of the wonderful book by Gary Chapman called, “The Five Love Languages.” It’s all about helping the reader identify what makes him or her feel the most loved, & also identify those acts in others.
The love languages in the book are as follows: words of affirmation (encouragement, complements, etc), quality time (when someone prioritizes uninterrupted time with you), acts of service (when someone goes out of their way to do nice gestures for you), gifts (when receiving gifts makes you feel loved) & physical touch (holding hands, kissing, cuddling & sex).
Did you know there are toxic versions of these love languages? There are! And narcissists use them every day. Being aware of them can help you to avoid people who behave this way.
Words of invalidation & criticism is a toxic love language. Narcissists use their words as a way to tear down their victims & make them easier to control. Naturally they don’t begin a relationship behaving like this. They lavish praise on their victims. Over time however, little negative comments suddenly appear. Over time, more are added & more. Suddenly their victim can do nothing right & is criticized for being upset that the narcissist says & does such cruel things to them.
Quality time isn’t a real thing with a narcissist. One way narcissists make their victims feel inferior is to be distracted during their time together. They may scroll endlessly through their phone, flip through the channels, or act bored. This behavior lets their victims know they aren’t worth the narcissist’s time. If the victim says something, the narcissist gets angry. They say they care & the victim should know this or they can listen to the victim & do something else at the same time. They become indignant that the victim doesn’t appreciate the fact the narcissist is spending time with them, even though that time is hardly good quality time.
Acts of service is a toxic love language in the hands of narcissists. Narcissists have motives for every single thing they do & say. If they do something for their victim, it will come with strings attached to it. They won’t hesitate to remind their victim of the great sacrifices they have made for their victim. Or, they demand their victim do anything they want, claiming if the victim really cares for them, they will do this. When the victim does this thing, they claim that isn’t what they really wanted or the victim didn’t do it right.
Gifts are also used in toxic ways by narcissists. Gifts are often used by narcissists early in a relationship as a way to lure victims in, & to make them feel obligated to the narcissist. Also, if a victim gives a narcissist a gift, that gift won’t be good enough. The victim will be shamed for their terrible gift & not loving the narcissist enough to give them something they really want.
Physical touch is only used for manipulation. Narcissists love to use sex as a weapon. Often early in their relationships, they are very passionate with their victims. Then suddenly, that stops, leaving the victim confused. They deny any problem, often claiming the victim is imagining things. The victim knows that something is indeed wrong, so he or she tries harder to please & woo the narcissist. Narcissists love this because it gives them a feeling of power & control. They often use this time to get their victims to perform sexual acts that degrade the victim. Victims in this place are vulnerable & willing to do about anything, so often narcissists get their way.
Being aware of these toxic versions of the five love languages can be very helpful in recognizing narcissists, so please remember them.
Being Over Sensitive To Criticism
I’ve noticed recently that I am way more sensitive to criticism than I used to be. It’s not that I care what people think, but I care that people feel they must share their negative opinions with me when I didn’t ask for their opinions.
When I first realized this, I chalked it up to getting older & crankier. In time though, I realized it’s not only those things. I firmly believe it is because of having experienced narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists are most likely the most judgmental & critical of all people. They must share any & all opinions of their victims they have at all times. They favor negative ones in particular as a way to chip away at their victims’ self esteem since low self esteem makes a person easy to control & abuse.
If by some chance narcissists think something positive about their victims, they won’t offer any praise. They prefer to do much crueler things. The best option is they simply withhold praise, but that seldom happens. Instead, they prefer to claim responsibility for that good thing such as by claiming if they hadn’t pushed the victim, he or she never would have gotten that promotion at work. Narcissistic parents also claim that their victim/child got whatever talent they have from that parent. This means that when their child gets praise for something, the parent often says something along the lines of, “She got that talent from me.”
Another common scenario with narcissists is to twist the good thing in their victim around so it looks bad, thus ruining that good thing. For example, many years back, before I decided to focus only on writing, I did some editing work. I was blessed to work with one amazing client & mentioned the work to my mother. That was a huge mistake, but at that time, I didn’t know anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I mentioned my client & the work I was enjoying doing for her because I naively thought my mother would be happy for me. She always fancied herself a skilled writer, & she was, but she never worked in the field. I thought she might be happy that I was working in the field & enjoying myself. Well, not only did she not share my joy, but a few days later she ruined mine. She did this by saying she was thinking of getting into editing work because (& this is her wording), “it’s such easy money. Obviously anyone can do it.”
Narcissists also beat their victims down with criticism. When my husband & I got together, his mother repeatedly told me how much she hated my car. For years, I heard constant hateful comments. Many times I wanted to tell her, “I know. You hate my car. You think it’s the worst car in the whole world. There’s no need to keep telling me. I figured out how you feel after the first 50,000 times you mentioned it!”
After going through these things for years at the hands of narcissists, I really think that no matter how much we may have healed, criticism is still a very tough thing for us to handle, even when we don’t care about someone else’s opinions. We are burned out on criticism, negativity & cruelty. We also had it drilled into us how awful we are or something about us is. After years of this, we get to the point where criticism, unless it’s clearly well meaning & meant to help, is incredibly irritating. So many times I have wanted to tell someone, “Your opinion wasn’t asked for & truly means nothing. Why must you share it? And, why do you think it’s ok to be such a disrespectful jerk?”
If this describes you, I so relate! It’s frustrating! I have learned the best way to handle criticism that is unasked for & unfair is to stop for a moment. Inhale deeply then exhale to calm your mind & body. Remind yourself that you are having a reaction to the narcissistic abuse, nothing more. Also remind yourself that not all people have good social skills. Some are very critical simply because they haven’t learned any better. That doesn’t mean they are narcissists or are out to hurt you. They are simply oblivious. And, remember that just because someone is criticizing you doesn’t mean what they said is true. Consider what they have to say, & if it’s wrong, disregard it. If they are right, although it was a painful way to learn, you still learned something. That is a good thing.
If you know the person who is critical, then you know if you can talk openly to them or not. If you can, gently let them know how you feel. They may have simply not realized how what they said sounded. Or they may be struggling with something & took their frustrations out on you.
And as always, remember to pray. Ask God for wisdom & help in your situation, & He will provide you whatever you need!
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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism
Tagged as abuse, comments, critical, criticism, criticize, disorder, emotional, judgemental, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic, negative, negativity, personality, verbal