The Victim Act

Both overt & covert narcissists share a fondness for portraying themselves as victims, although often covert narcissists are much quicker to use this tactic.  Overt narcissists prefer other people to see them as superior, but in a pinch, they will pull this victim act if necessary.

Narcissists use the victim act as a way to convince people that their victim is the real problem in the relationship.  It takes the focus off of the narcissist & places it on the victim.  This scenario is especially common when an overt narcissist marries a covert narcissist.  The covert calls attention to the overt narcissist’s behavior, which allows the covert narcissist to continue being abusive in the background.  The victim act also can be used when a narcissist is losing control of their victim as a way to manipulate other people into telling the victim they need to treat the narcissist better or to abandon the victim so he or she has no support.  Portraying themselves as a victim also can be a way for a narcissist to manipulate their victim.  The goal is to convince the victim that he or she is being cruel & needs to change their behavior to whatever the narcissist wants.  If the narcissist is convincing enough & the victim lacks knowledge of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the victim may believe that they are being unreasonable for wanting the narcissist to treat them with respect or that having boundaries with the narcissist are cruel. 

The victim act also gets narcissists plenty of attention, which is something they all crave.  They are seen in a good way, certainly much better than the person that they claim is their abuser.  They also have control over how other people see them by lying & creating a story to show them in their best possible light, the victim in the worst..  People who are unaware of the victim act often fall for it, & blindly support the narcissist while shunning whoever they claim to be their abuser.

Covertly narcissistic parents also portray themselves as victims to their children.  Often, they are able to convince their child that they need protection & coddling, so this draws the child into a sick emotionally incestuous relationship.  The child’s focus is so much on taking care of their parent, that often even as adults, they don’t recognize or acknowledge that this behavior is sick & abusive.

Victimized narcissists also have extreme double standards.  They are allowed to say & do anything to you, no matter how hurtful.  Yet, if you say or do the same thing to them, they claim you are abusive, bad, & the real problem in the relationship.

There are ways to differentiate someone who is playing the victim compared to someone who is a true victim.  True victims don’t talk badly about other people non stop.  They talk some about their abuser & what they did, but primarily they focus on their healing.  They also are guarded, not talking very openly with just anyone about their experience.  Narcissistic victims will tell anyone who will listen all about their pain.  And, narcissistic victims don’t take any responsibility in their situation.  A true victim will admit anything they did wrong, sometimes even accepting blame for the abuser’s behavior, especially in the early days of their healing.

If you have been on the receiving end of a narcissist’s victim act, my heart goes out to you.  I have many times & I know it’s not an easy place to be.  I learned from the experiences though.  I learned there always will be people who believe the narcissist’s outrageous lies over the truth, & nothing will convince them otherwise.  Let them go.  Their dysfunction is way more important to them than the truth, & nothing you can say or do will change their mind.  In fact, the more you try to change their minds, the more convinced they become that the narcissist is right about you.  Leave them & the narcissist to their toxicity & get away from it as fast as you can.  What people like that think about you isn’t important.  Your sanity is.

I also learned that this experience is great for teaching you who is safe & who isn’t.  Unsafe people blindly believe the lies.  Safe people don’t, they defend you & they abandon anyone who speaks or believes the lies.  Unsafe people will abandon you over the lies, & this is a good thing even when it hurts at first. 

I also learned just how much God loves His children.  During such times in my life, He comforted me, helped me to heal & let me know He would deal with these toxic people on my behalf.  These painful times brought me closer to Him, & that made it all worth it.

Why Some People Treat Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse So Badly

I use an online diary.  It sends me periodic emails saying things like, “Last year on this date, you wrote…” then includes a link to that entry.  Recently it showed me an entry I made in February, 2020.

That day, I wrote about how I had joined Instagram to follow someone who shares information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I hadn’t even set anything up on my account when I got an email saying someone was following me.  It turned out it was one of my cousins who was so awful to me when my father was dying.  I blocked her at first, then immediately decided that wasn’t good enough.  I deleted my Instagram account, & haven’t gone to the site since.

I prayed about this, asking God why would this person follow me?  She hates me & has made the very clear for a long time.  He told me something that I thought may help other victims of narcissistic abuse, so I want to share that with you today.

“She’s insanely, obsessively, morbidly envious.  She thinks you’ve had this easy, charmed life.  When she sees you “whining” about your childhood, it justifies her hatred of you in her mind.  She felt her parents didn’t really care about her.  She saw yours shelter you.  That’s where the envy began.”

“She had to lie to herself about her parents’ loving her & being close to your aunt.  She thinks you’re lying about yours & being a spoiled brat.  She thinks you’re petty & weren’t really abused.  She also can’t accept that her uncle would be abusive or marry someone who was.”

“She thinks abuse is only physical or sexual.  Verbal abuse doesn’t count to her.  She thinks NPD is a made up thing you use to justify talking about your parents as you do.”

“The devil feeds her delusions.  He makes her think the things she does, & feeds her rage & disgust of you.”

Pretty disturbing isn’t it?  Sadly though, many people abuse victims of narcissistic abuse & I would guess many have very similar motivations behind their behavior.

My mother was definitely the engulfing type of narcissistic mother, so to the outside world, she looked attentive, caring, & somewhat over protective.  My father went along with her behavior.  Also, I never complained because this is what abused kids learn to do to survive.  To anyone not intimately involved with my parents & I, we looked like a tight knit family.

Consider my cousin I mentioned earlier.  She came from a very dysfunctional & abusive childhood.  It’s no wonder she thought my childhood was so happy & care free.  She only saw what she was allowed to see, & never knew what went on behind closed doors.  Her observations combined with the devil validating her feelings turned her into someone who is very envious for no good reason.  Her way to cope with it was to treat me badly. 

What about those in your life who have treated you similarly?  Could this fit them as well?  If so, there is only a small amount of advice I have on dealing with such people, but I believe it will help you as it has me.

Remember that their behavior stems from their dysfunction & lack of relationship with God.  It isn’t really about you, although they will make it sound that way.  Don’t accept whatever they say about you because it is wrong! 

If at all possible, end the relationship.  People like this are very convicted in their wrong beliefs.  You won’t be able to change their mind, so don’t waste your time trying.  Sever ties & block all ways they can reach you.

Lastly, pray for them.  The Bible says we are to pray for our enemies, so pray for this person to see the truth & for evil spirits to leave them alone.  Doing this helps them as well as you because over time, it helps you to release the anger you naturally feel towards them.