Childhood experiences help to form us into the adults we become. Those of us with traumatic childhoods naturally turn into dysfunctional adults. Hopefully we realize this & want to become more functional & healthy. Sometimes though we aren’t sure where to start. I firmly believe that getting to the root of things is best. If you garden, you know that you can spray a weed with poison & it will vanish for a while, but it’ll come back again. However, if you pull it up by the roots, it’ll never return. Healing is the same way, which is why I tell people that getting to the root of issues is so important.
Relating to healing, I mean you need to look at what is causing the problem, not just the problem itself. If something makes you angry when you remember it, for example, why does it make you angry? Did you not feel heard? Did you feel unloved, neglected or invalidated? Recognizing your anger is only part of the process. Once you identify how the event made you feel, you can truly start to heal.
Certain childhood wounds cause certain behaviors, which is what we’re discussing today.
A childhood abandonment wound happens when a parent isn’t there for their child either physically such as if the parent dies or the parents divorce, but also happens if the parent isn’t there emotionally such as in the case of narcissistic parents. The abandonment wound manifests as someone who hates to be alone, who is afraid of loved ones leaving them, & may be codependent. People who are emotionally unavailable or out of touch with their feelings are very attracted to those who have abandonment wounds.
A childhood neglect wound results from a parent neglecting their child’s needs. The neglect can be as obvious as not providing the child with food or medical care, or it can be less obvious such as a parent regularly not caring that their child is upset. This type of childhood wound manifests as low self esteem or even self hatred, a lack of boundaries, being quick to anger, & repressing emotions. People who are attracted to someone with a neglect wound are the type who don’t appreciate them & often even make them feel invisible.
A shame wound is very common among those who have experienced childhood narcissistic abuse. Narcissists use shame as a weapon because it is so incredibly effective. Where guilt makes a person feel as if they have done something wrong, shame makes a person feel as if they are wrong bad or incredibly broken for doing whatever they did. Shame damages or even annihilates self esteem. A person with very low or non-existent self esteem is easily controlled & manipulated, because they lake faith in their decision making abilities & intelligence. They look to others because they feel so ill equipped. This wound manifests as an intense disdain for asking for help or for things, feeling bad or flawed, & lacking boundaries. Narcissists are attracted to those who have shame wounds.
If any of these describe you, know that hope is not lost! You can heal! Now that you know the root of your problem, you can find the most effective means of healing. It will take time & work, but you can heal! I believe in you!