Yet Another Tactic Narcissists Use To Abuse

Narcissists are well known for having a plethora of incredibly devious & effective ways to abuse their victims.  In fact, it seems like there is no end to the weapons in their arsenal.  I’ve been learning about narcissistic abuse since 2011 & I still learn of new tactics sometimes.  The latest one I’ve learned is called dog whistling.

There is a whistle that is so high pitched in its tone that humans can’t hear it, but dogs can.  Similarly, narcissists will use this type of gaslighting with their victims when they are around other people.  The look or comment seems completely innocuous but it is anything but.  Victims know it is meant to upset them, yet others around have no idea why a victim would be bothered by such a thing. 

The most obvious dog whistling example from my life that comes to mind involves my late mother in-law, & it happened many years before I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  My mother in-law told no one other than me just how much she disapproved of & even hated my car.  She told me this often for quite some time, in fact.  It was just one of the many ways she used to let me know I wasn’t good enough to be a part of her family.  Over time, when my husband & I visited his parents, we stopped taking my car & only took his.  I was tired of her rude comments, & this was one way I thought I could avoid them.  Then during one visit, in front of my husband, his mother said to me that she hadn’t seen my car in quite a while & asked if it was running alright.  Immediately I was livid, because I knew that this was no innocent question.  She was making yet another snide comment about my car.  It was her way of saying it’s a broken down piece of junk without saying those words & showing anyone how disrespectful she was to me.  I snapped back to her that it was running just fine, don’t worry about it.  My husband was upset with me for snapping at his mother, because it sounded to him like his mother just asked an innocent question.  After all, she hadn’t seen my car in a while, just his.  He never heard her constant criticisms of my car, because she only said those things when she & I were alone.  She also came across innocently asking a simple question, so why would he think her motives were anything but innocent?  I was the only one who heard that particular dog whistle.  It worked well for her though, because not only did she get to insult me, she started a fight between my husband & I.

This is how dog whistling works.  It involves something that only the victim knows, preferably something they feel very strongly about, & is done in front of witnesses.  The goal is to get the victim very upset, & other people who see this don’t understand why the victim would be upset.  They didn’t think what the narcissist said or did was anything bad at all.  The victim looks oversensitive, unreasonable & even mentally unstable while the narcissist looks completely innocent.  An added bonus for the narcissist in this situation is if the incident causes conflict in the victim’s relationships.

If you are subjected to this dog whistling tactic, you can cope with it.  I always recommend prayer before dealing with narcissists.  Asking God to give you creative ways to handle them is one prayer I found to be particularly useful.  

Also, remember Gray Rock.  As difficult as it can be, do NOT react!  Show the narcissist that their dog whistle isn’t working.  They may push harder, but do not react then either!  I know this is hard, believe me, but it is well worth it in the long run.  The less you react to a narcissist, the more likely it is that they will give up using this particular abusive tactic with you.  Focus on the big picture if that helps you to avoid reacting.  Also, take a deep breath & let it out as soon as you recognize what he or she is doing.  This simple action slows your mind & body down briefly, which allows you to compose yourself enough to avoid showing any reaction to the narcissist.