Another Way To Cope With Narcissists

As I’ve mentioned many times in my writing before, narcissists are impossible to avoid completely, unless you are willing to live in a cave & avoid all human contact.  Thankfully, the more you heal from narcissistic abuse, the less narcissists want to do with you because you have learned how to avoid becoming their victim.  Even so, there are still going to be times you can’t avoid them entirely, & today I want to offer a tip to help you during those times.

Whether that narcissist is someone close to you such as a spouse or parent, or they are that awful new coworker, narcissistic abuse always feels very personal.  That is part of what makes it so intensely painful.  I have come to learn that if you can remove that personal feeling, not only does the abuse hurt less, but it also allows you to think clearer about how best to deal with the narcissist. 

One of the ways I have learned to make narcissistic abuse feel less personal is to remember that these people are extremely damaged somehow.  Obviously, that damage is no excuse to behave as they do, so please don’t think I’m saying that because they are damaged, you must forgive & forget, & tolerate their abuse.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I am saying that remembering they are damaged & that is why they are so cruel to you can benefit you by helping their abuse feel less personal.

I don’t believe people are born narcissists.  They become narcissists through a variety of circumstances such as being spoiled, neglected or abused as children, a brain injury, physical health problems which made them depend on other people & I’m sure many other ways of which I am unaware at this time.  Something made them realize that a narcissistic behavior got what they wanted, so they did it again & again.  They also continually added to their repertoire over time.  This distanced them from whatever started them down the path to becoming a narcissist, so they gladly continued their behavior rather than face their pain.  

I also believe that by doing the things they do, they have closed a door to God & opened another wide to the devil & his minions.  I honestly can’t say I believe all narcissists are demon possessed, but I do believe some are & many are at least under an evil influence.  As narcissists come to believe they are superior beings & entitled to whatever they want, they won’t recognize the evil working in their lives, so they do nothing about it.  They also have no motivation to make changes.  Hurting people isn’t enough of a motivating factor for a narcissist to want to change.

If you can keep things like this in mind, it truly does take a lot of the pain out of narcissistic abuse, because you realize it’s not personal.  They are acting as they are because of their own dysfunction, selfishness & even cowardice for not facing whatever set them on this path in the first place.  None of that has anything to do with you.  You just happen to be a convenient target.

Also by keeping this in mind, it allows you to think logically & less emotionally.  This comes in very handy when you need to find ways to deal with this person & set healthy boundaries.  Emotions can cloud your thinking so easily in these situations.  It helps having the ability to keep them at bay.

If you consider the things I mentioned, you do need to be aware of not going too far out of balance in your feelings.  I have made this mistake.  Many years ago, for a brief time, I felt very sorry for my mother in-law, a covert narcissist.  She took advantage of that, & her abuse got worse & worse.  That is why I believe the value of balance in this is vital!  It is very possible to feel compassion for a person while having the wisdom not to pity them enough to tolerate abuse.  Finding balance shows the narcissist they can’t manipulate, control, hurt or even fluster you.  And, you still hold onto your kindness & humanity by having the ability to feel sorry that they experienced something so bad that it set them on this terrible path.

Behaviors In Relationships You May Not Know Are Actually Abusive

In any relationship, both parties should feel valued, respected, & supported.  When subtle signs of abuse begin to emerge, it can be challenging to identify them, leading to potential emotional damage. 

One of the fundamental aspects of a healthy relationship is a mutual give-and-take where both individuals’ needs are considered important.  One subtle sign of abuse occurs when one person consistently prioritizes their needs over the other’s, even when they know doing so hurts the other person.  This imbalance leads to feeling neglected & resentment, & can lead to the end of the relationship.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which one person denies their actions or alters reality to make the other person question their perception of events.  This insidious behavior naturally leads to confusion, self doubt, & a sense of powerlessness in the targeted victim.  This distorting the truth undermines the victim’s trust in their own judgment.

Controlling behaviors in a relationship can manifest in subtle ways that may not be immediately apparent.  For instance, a manipulative person may forbid their partner from engaging in activities that do not benefit them or insist on actions that serve their own interests, even knowing the behavior will hurt the victim somehow.  This form of control often is done under the guise of care, making it not appear abusive when it truly is.

Another abusive dynamic often involves constantly changing expectations that leave one person feeling inadequate & insecure.  The manipulator may set unattainable standards or move the goals to ensure that their partner never feels good enough.  This abusive behavior greatly damages a victim’s self esteem.

Criticism, when used constructively, can help people to grow & improve.  However, when criticism becomes a tool for manipulation & control, it has detrimental effects.  An abusive, manipulative person may criticize the other person in the relationship relentlessly while claiming it is attempt to help.

In an abusive relationship, one may find themselves walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring their words & actions out of fear of the other’s reactions.  This atmosphere of tension & apprehension stifles communication, breeds anxiety, & erodes self esteem.  The fear of setting off an unpredictable or disproportionate response also leads to emotional suppression & detachment.

Another subtle sign of abuse is when one person consistently minimizes or dismisses the other’s feelings.  By labeling their feelings as oversensitive or irrational, the abuser undermines their validity.  This invalidation will create a sense of isolation & self-doubt in the one whose feelings are being disregarded.

Blame & shame are often used as tools of manipulation in abusive relationships.  The manipulator may shift responsibility onto the other for issues that are not their fault, leading to guilt & self blame.  By shaming the other person for natural emotional responses or perceived shortcomings, the abuser maintains control & diminishes their partner’s confidence.

Affection is a crucial component of a healthy relationship, providing emotional support & intimacy.  However, abusers use affection as a form of manipulation.  They may withhold affection as a punishment for not complying with their desires or overwhelm their partner with affection when they behave in a desired manner.  This conditional display of love undermines genuine emotional connection.

Recognizing the subtle signs of abuse in relationships is imperative for maintaining emotional well being & fostering healthy relationships.  By being aware of subtle abusive behaviors, people can identify potential red flags & take steps to protect themselves. 

Some Causes Of Resentment In Marriage

Have you ever felt resentment in your marriage?  You’re not alone.  Resentment can arise from various sources, & today, we will explore some common causes of resentment in marriage. 

Resentment is a complex emotion that can stem from various factors.  It is not solely the result of one person’s actions or shortcomings.  Marriage is a two way street, & both partners can contribute to the dynamics that can lead to resentment. 

One of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship is not feeling like your spouse prioritizes you.  This feeling of being overlooked can be particularly painful for victims of narcissistic abuse, who struggle with low self esteem, but it is painful for anyone.

Compromise is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship.  It allows both partners to find common ground & make decisions that benefit the overall well being of the relationship.  The concept of selflessness can sometimes blur the lines between being taken advantage of & healthy compromise.  You may find yourself constantly putting your own needs aside to accommodate your spouse’s desires, leaving you feeling unfulfilled & dismissed.  When one person consistently finds themselves making the majority of sacrifices, it breeds resentment & feelings of unfairness.

Feeling taken for granted can be incredibly disheartening, leading to resentment & emotional distance in a relationship.  When you strive to show kindness & appreciation towards others, it becomes very challenging when you don’t receive the same treatment in return.

In situations like this, it’s important to express your feelings & needs.  Healthy relationships require both partners to be willing to understand & acknowledge each other’s needs.  An open conversation can lead towards finding a balance that respects both spouses’ desires.  Make a time to sit down together & discuss your relationship, without distractions, when you both are calm & able to talk comfortably & openly.

Most importantly, pray.  Pray for your spouse & your marriage.  Pray to know God’s will for your life & marriage.  Pray for wisdom.  Pray with your spouse too, not only alone, if they are willing to do this.  

If you are in the miserable situation of having a narcissistic spouse, I know such suggestion will not work due to their lack of empathy & desire to do anything for anyone if it can’t benefit them.  In such a case, I don’t believe there is anything you can say or do to make them want to stop treating you this way.

Resentment can be a challenging emotion to navigate.  By understanding some common causes of resentment, you can begin to address these issues & work towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.  Remember, it’s important to approach these conversations with empathy & a willingness to listen to your partner’s perspective.  Relationships require effort from both partners, & by fostering open communication & mutual understanding, you can create a stronger foundation for addressing & overcoming resentment.

The Impact Of Enmeshed Mothers On Men

Enmeshment occurs when a mother fails to establish healthy emotional boundaries with her child.  She treats him more like a partner than her child, expecting him to care for her instead of the other way around.  This toxic & abusive behavior leads to a tremendous amount of dysfunction that continues into adulthood.  Today, we’ll focus on how it affects men specifically.

For men with such mothers, carrying the deep insecurity enmeshment causes becomes the norm, affecting their relationships in profound ways.  Any perceived threat of abandonment terrifies them, & even the slightest criticism wounds them to the core.  As a result, they lash out, pushing people away.  It is vital for men to recognize the truth of their toxic upbringing & acknowledge the abuse inflicted upon them so they can begin the journey towards healing.

Enmeshed mothers use love & affection as a tool for control, leaving their sons in a constant state of uncertainty.  These mothers intertwine their lives with their sons’, blurring the lines between their own identities & those of their children.  This manifests in various ways, such as excessive emotional dependence, over involvement in their sons’ lives, & a lack of boundaries.

Within this suffocating environment, a man’s sense of self becomes intertwined with his mother’s approval & love.  He learns to constantly seek validation from her, never sure if he will receive it.  This insecurity seeps into his relationships, & he does not trust that others genuinely care for him.  The fear of abandonment or rejection becomes consuming.

Enmeshed mothers are extremely manipulative.  She uses guilt or passive aggressive tactics to keep her son close, ensuring he remains dependent on her.  This manipulation makes the son’s insecurity grow, making him increasingly vulnerable to her control.

The insecurity instilled by an enmeshed mother has a profound impact on a man’s ability to form & maintain healthy relationships.  The fear of abandonment & rejection makes his need for constant validation overwhelming.  No one can meet such a need, & when they fail, he becomes disappointed with them. 

Enmeshed mothers naturally hate their son’s wives, viewing them as competition, so they often make matters worse by insulting her to him & treating her very badly.  This  creates problems within the son’s marriage.

Also, any perceived criticism, no matter how minor or how gently said, wounds these men deeply.  They react with anger or defensiveness.  This defensive behavior further distances them from their partners, leading to conflict & emotional withdrawal.

Many partners decide to leave, & the fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces the man’s belief that he is unworthy of love & incapable of maintaining relationships.

Recognizing the truth about enmeshment is essential for victims of enmeshed mothers.  They need to understand that the shame lies with the mother for the abuse she inflicted, not with the son.  Accepting this truth allows men to shed false guilt & begin their healing.

Prayer is absolutely vital on this journey.  God knows more than any human, & can help victims like no one else can.  He has helped & taught me more than I can describe on my healing journey, & will do the same for anyone!

Seeking therapy can teach men to set & maintain boundaries, establish their own identities, & build a foundation of self worth that is independent of their mothers’ opinions.

Online communities or support groups can help men learn & heal from the abuse as well as find friends who understand. These connections also remind men that they are not alone.  I have a Facebook group called “Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug” with several members who have experienced exactly this situation.

Men who grew up with enmeshed mothers face unique challenges in their relationships due to their abusive upbringing.  However, healing is possible.  There is no shame in admitting the abuse.  The shame lies solely with these toxic mothers.  It is time for these victimized men to reclaim their identities & break free from the chains of enmeshment.

For Those Whose Relatives Severed Ties With Your Family

Family is supposed to be a source of love, support, & comfort.  Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.  For some people, their family members are toxic & abusive.  They treat you cruelly, manipulate you, or even are violent towards you.  When you’ve tried everything to make the relationship work, but it’s only led to more pain & hurt, cutting ties with your family is usually the only option left.  It’s a difficult decision to make & one that’s often met with judgment & criticism from others.  For those who have been through it, it’s a necessary step towards healing & protecting yourself.

People who cut ties with their family members almost never do so impulsively.  They put in countless hours of praying, feeling hurt & angry, crying, looking for other solutions, sacrificing their peace of mind to stay a part of the family, & questioning themselves before realizing there’s no other option.  They have tried for years, only to be hurt over & over.  Eventually, they realize they can’t do it any longer, & that’s when they finally cut all contact.

This decision comes with an emotional toll that’s difficult to describe.  Imagine having to cut ties with someone you’ve known your entire life, the person who’s supposed to always be there for you.  It’s like a death, but worse because the person is still alive.  You mourn the loss of the relationship & the family you thought you had.  You feel guilty for cutting them off.  You wonder if you’re making the right decision.  You worry about what others will think of you.  You feel like you’re losing a part of yourself.

It’s not a decision that’s made lightly, & it’s not one that’s made without pain.  People who cut ties with their family members go through a grieving process, & it’s not something that happens quickly.  It takes time, patience, & support from others to heal from the pain.

As if the emotional toll wasn’t enough, those who cut ties with their family members are often judged, criticized, mocked, shamed,  & more because they chose to protect themselves from toxic people.  People like this have their priorities completely backwards!  They celebrate tolerating abuse & shame walking away from abusers, especially when the abusers are family.

One of the biggest misconceptions is that cutting ties with family members is an easy way out.  People who believe this fail to understand the complexity of toxic relationships.  They don’t understand the amount of time & effort that goes into trying to make the relationship work.  They don’t understand the emotional toll it takes on a person to be in a toxic relationship.  They don’t understand the courage it takes to cut ties with your family members knowing that you will face intense backlash for doing so.

Another misconception is that cutting ties with family members is a selfish act.  People who believe this fail to understand the importance of self-care & self-preservation.  They don’t understand that toxic relationships lead to depression, anxiety, PTSD & potentially even suicide.  They don’t understand that cutting ties with family members may be the only way to protect yourself from further harm.

It’s important to understand that cutting ties with family members is not a decision that’s made lightly.  People who do this have exhausted all other options & have come to the conclusion that it’s the best decision for their mental health & wellbeing.

If you’re someone who has cut ties with your family members, know that you’re not alone.  It’s a difficult decision to make, but it’s one that’s often necessary for your mental health & wellbeing.  If you’re someone who hasn’t gone through this experience, it’s important to recognize the complexity of the decision & the emotional toll it takes on a person.  It’s not an easy way out, & it’s not a selfish act.  It’s a courageous step towards healing & protecting yourself.

Remember, if your family members are toxic & abusive, it’s ok to cut ties with them.  It’s ok to prioritize your mental health & well being.  It’s ok to protect yourself from further harm.

Cleaning Out Your Parents’ Home After Their Deaths

Many of you who follow my work are fellow Gen Xers.  This means that many of us are at the stage in life where we are faced with the inevitable loss of our parents.  It’s a painful & emotional process that often involves cleaning out their home.  This task is often much harder than expected, no matter the relationship with one’s parents.  Not only do many items hold sentimental value, but we also realize that we will never again receive any gifts from our parents.  Despite the complicated relationship we may have had with them, the process of letting go of their belongings can be overwhelming.  Today, I want to share the lessons I learned from my experience & offer tips for handling those complicated items.

In my experience, one crucial aspect of this journey is seeking guidance from God.  Turning to God & asking for His guidance absolutely will bring comfort & clarity in the midst of such an emotional process.  He helped me to figure out what to keep, what to sell, what to donate, & what to give to which family members.  That help was invaluable since I had absolutely no idea what to do with anything!

When we begin cleaning out our parents’ home, we are faced with a multitude of items that hold sentimental value.  Each object carries a memory, a story, & a connection to our parents.  It can be tempting to hold onto every item, fearing that letting go means losing them forever.  Or, if your relationship with your parents was toxic, it can be tempting to throw every single item in the trash.  However, as difficult as it may be, it’s important to find balance.

One approach I found helpful was to enjoy the special items rather than simply storing them away.  For example, if your parents had a collection of vintage records, take the time to listen to them & relish in the nostalgia they bring.  Displaying sentimental items, such as photographs or heirlooms, can also help create a space that honors their memory while keeping clutter at bay.  And, if you find certain items trigger painful memories, if those items still are useful, find them a home with someone who will use & enjoy them.  Again using the record collection as an example, if you know someone who shared your parents’ taste in music, give them the records.

Furthermore, if you find yourself unsure about whether to keep an item or not, it’s a good idea to hold onto it until you feel more clarity.  Grief is a complex process, & it takes time to sort through our emotions & make good decisions.  Trust your instincts & give yourself the time to heal before making final choices about what to keep & what to let go whenever you have doubts.

As we go through the process of cleaning out our parents’ home, it’s crucial to set reasonable limits.  After all, they are essential for maintaining a clutter free & anxiety free environment.  Ask yourself if each item will bring you joy or serve a practical purpose.  If the answer is no, consider donating or selling it, knowing that someone else may find value in it.

Remember, clutter can cause anxiety.  It’s important to honor our parents’ memory, but it’s equally important to create a home that reflects who we are & the life we want to live.

During this process, it’s normal to feel guilty or conflicted about letting go of certain items.  However, it’s essential to remind ourselves that the memory of our parents is not tied to physical possessions.  Letting go of material possessions can be a way of honoring them while creating our own path.

For those of us who have had a complicated relationship with our parents, cleaning out their home naturally stirs up a mix of emotions.  It’s important to acknowledge & process these feelings as we go through their belongings.  Pray & seek support from safe people who let you share your experiences & emotions.

Remember, this process is an opportunity to reflect on lessons learned, the growth achieved, & healing.  By approaching the task with wisdom & understanding, we can find peace & resolution.

Never Let Someone Dysfunctional Or Abusive Determine Your Reality

For years, I had let other people’s words & actions determine my reality, including dysfunctional & abusive people who made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.  I realized that I needed to take control of my own reality & not let others dictate how I saw myself or the world around me.

Dysfunctional people come in all shapes & sizes.  They can be abusive partners, toxic family members, or even just negative friends.  Regardless of their role in our lives, they all have one thing in common: their reality is often skewed.  They see the world through a lens of dysfunction, & this can have a profound impact on those around them.

For example, an abusive partner may constantly put their partner down, telling them that they are worthless & unlovable.  This can cause the victim to internalize these messages & start to believe them.  They may start to see themselves as unattractive, unintelligent, & unworthy of love.  This is what I experienced during my first marriage.

Similarly, a toxic family member may constantly create drama & chaos.  They may manipulate situations & people in order to get what they want, causing those around them to question their own perceptions of what is right & wrong.

It can be incredibly difficult to break free from the hold that dysfunctional people have on our lives.  However, it is crucial that we take steps to do so in order to protect our mental health & well-being.  Following are some tips for taking control of your own reality.

Pray.  Ask God to give you wisdom & discernment.  This is very simple but also tremendously helpful.

Set Boundaries. One of the most important things you can do is set boundaries with dysfunctional people.  This means letting them know what behaviors are not acceptable & giving them consequences if they continue to engage in those behaviors. 

Seek Support.  Surround yourself with people who are genuine & supportive.  This can include friends, family members, or even a therapist.  Having a healthy support system can help you see reality more clearly & provide you with the strength & courage you need to break free from dysfunctional relationships.

Practice Self-Care. Taking care of yourself is crucial, but especially so when dealing with dysfunctional people.  It can be easy to get caught up in their drama & forget about your own needs.  Make sure to prioritize self-care activities that you enjoy.

Breaking free from the hold that dysfunctional people have on our lives can be a difficult process.  However, it is worth it in order to live a life that is true to ourselves. 

Be patient with yourself.  Healing takes time, & it is important to be gentle with yourself as you navigate this process.  Celebrate even the smallest victories & don’t be too hard on yourself when things are difficult.  Also remember there will be times you make mistakes as you heal.  Remind yourself that is normal for any type of healing so don’t beat yourself up over it.  Learn from your mistakes & move on,

Finally, know that you deserve to live a life that is healthy & true.  Never let someone dysfunctional determine your reality.  You have the power to take control of your own life, so do it!

Subtle Abuse

Abuse isn’t always loud or obvious.  It doesn’t always leave physical evidence behind that anyone can see easily, such as bruises & broken bones.  In fact, most abuse isn’t that obvious.  Covert abuse is a common term used to describe such subtle abuse.  It doesn’t leave undeniable proof that it happened.  It is very quiet & subtle, so much so that often even the victim may not realize that he or she is being abused.  That doesn’t make this abuse any less damaging, however.

Covert abuse comes in many forms, in particular in the form of gaslighting.  Gaslighting is when an abuser attempts to convince someone that they should doubt their feelings, thoughts, perceptions of reality & even their sanity.  It often comes in the form of denial.  The abuser claims that what they did wasn’t really so bad, it didn’t happen as the victim remembers or they deny even doing whatever they did at all, claiming the victim imagined things.

Another part of gaslighting involves how abusers interact with other people.  To those not in their most intimate circle, abusers often appear charismatic, helpful, maybe even kind & caring.  People believe the abuser to be a good person, & often tell the victim how lucky they are to have such a good person in their life.  Treating outsiders in this way serves two purposes for abusers.  First, it convinces others that the abuser in question truly is incapable of being anything but a great person.  That way, if the victim tells anyone about the abuse, he or she isn’t believed.  Second, the abuser’s fan club reminding the victim of how great they believe the abuser is makes the victim doubt that the abuser is so bad.  This makes the victim believe they are overreacting or over sensitive, & they become more tolerant of abuse.

Destroying a victim’s self esteem is another type of covert abuse.  Many years ago, I remember thinking that this is a type of murder.  I still stand by that.  Leaving a person left feeling as if they are nothing to anyone is unbelievably cruel & inhumane.  A person who is victimized in this way feels that if they died at this moment, no one would be care in the slightest or maybe they would feel relieved they are gone.  No one should live like that!

Another type of covert abuse is threats that make a person wonder if the person doing the threatening is sincere or not.  The purpose of doing this is to cause intense fear in a victim & also causing them to be extremely willing to please their abuser to avoid the abuser following through on their threat.  The person making these threats doesn’t even need to physically hurt the victim at some point to make their victim afraid, but physical violence is likely to follow these behaviors at some point.  Their threats make it very clear that they are capable of following through on them if they wish to do so.  Sometimes their threats involve words, but not always.  Most often, they do not.  Abusers may punch walls, slam doors, break items or even hurt pets yet not touch their victim.  Their behavior is terrifying to their victims, whatever they do.  My ex husband punched items or walls to make his point sometimes.  I remember him doing this then telling me how lucky I was he only punched the wall because he really wanted to punch me instead.  Somehow that didn’t make me feel so lucky! 

Another covert type of abuse is isolation.  Isolating victims means victims have no one to tell them their abuser is treating them awfully, to offer them support or to help them to leave the abusive relationship.  This behavior robs victims of any hope that their life will get better, & leaves them under the full control of their abuser.

If someone you know is treating you in these ways, never tell yourself it’s not a big deal, it’s not really abuse since he or she isn’t physically hurting you or otherwise excuse this behavior.  It truly is abusive & you truly deserve to be treated better!  If at all possible, end this relationship NOW!  If now isn’t possible, please make a plan to get out of it as soon as possible.  Protect yourself!  You deserve to be safe!

Sometimes Its Ok To Apologize For Someone Who Refuses To Apologize

Have you ever found yourself apologizing for someone who refuses to apologize? Perhaps you witnessed someone being treated unfairly or rudely, & you felt compelled to apologize on behalf of the offender.  This can be a difficult situation to navigate, especially when the person in question is a friend, family member, or romantic partner.  However, I believe that sometimes it’s ok to apologize for someone who refuses to apologize.

Let me give you an example.  I remember running into an old friend of my ex-husband’s from high school a few years after graduation.  He said he’d seen my ex recently & said hi, but the ex ignored him.  I apologized.  This wasn’t my responsibility, it was my ex’s, but I knew he wouldn’t as he wasn’t the type to apologize.  I also thought this guy deserved an apology, so I apologized for my ex.  This guy was very nice, & I felt bad someone he once considered a friend treated him so badly for no reason.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing to apologize in situations like this.  It’s just the polite thing & can make a person feel better. 

Apologizing, whether on your own behalf or on behalf of another person, can have a powerful impact on relationships.  Apologies can help to repair hurt feelings, build trust, & restore damaged relationships.  When someone apologizes, it shows that they are willing to take responsibility for their actions & make amends for any harm they have caused.  It also demonstrates that they value the relationship & are willing to put in the effort to make things right.

When you apologize on behalf of someone else, it can have a similar effect.  It shows that you care about the person who was wronged & that you are willing to step in & take action to try to make things right.  It can also help to prevent the situation from escalating further or causing further harm to the relationship.

Of course, apologies are not a magic fix for all relationship problems.  They need to be sincere & meaningful, & they need to be followed up with actions that demonstrate a commitment to change, which naturally are the sole responsibility of the person whose behavior warranted the apology.

While apologizing on behalf of someone else can be a kind & thoughtful gesture, it’s still important to set healthy boundaries.  You don’t want to take on responsibility for someone else’s actions or feel like you are responsible for fixing their mistakes.  It’s also important to make sure that the person you are apologizing to understands that you are not speaking for the other person, but rather expressing your own feelings & desire to make things right.

It’s also important to communicate with the person you are apologizing to that this is the limit of your involvement in the situation.  In my situation, I told the man I was sorry my ex behaved that way.  I had no idea it happened, or why he would be so rude,

While apologizing on behalf of someone else can be a kind & thoughtful gesture, there are times when it is not appropriate.  For example, if the person who was wronged is expecting an apology from the person who caused the harm, apologizing on their behalf may not be helpful.  It may even be seen as an attempt to prevent someone from taking responsibility for their own actions or you may end up in the middle of a situation where you don’t belong,

It’s also important to consider the potential consequences of apologizing on someone else’s behalf.  Will it create more tension?  Will it cause the other person to feel embarrassed or ashamed?  Will it make the situation worse?

Ultimately, the decision to apologize on behalf of someone else should be made on a case-by-case basis.  It’s important to consider the feelings & needs of all parties involved, as well as the potential consequences of the apology.  If you’re not absolutely sure what to do, take a few minutes to pray, & ask God to show you what you should do.

Love Requires Evidence

There is a common saying: actions speak louder than words.  It’s easy for anyone to say the three little words, “I love you,” but it is their actions that truly prove or disprove their declaration of love.  Love requires evidence, & it is through one’s actions that love is revealed & felt.

The Bible beautifully defines love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  This passage in the Amplified Bible says, “Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. ⁵It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. ⁶It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. ⁷Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].  ⁸Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away.”

But how often do we truly witness these qualities in someone who claims to love us?  Are their actions in line with the Biblical definition of love?

If someone claims to love you but fails to display the qualities mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13:4 8, their love is questionable.  Their actions are a testament to their true feelings.  Ask yourself, does this person display the qualities of Biblical love?

Love endures with patience & serenity.  It requires a willingness to understand, forgive, & support the other person.  Does this person display those behaviors or impatience, irritability, or a lack of understanding?

Love is kind & thoughtful.  It goes beyond mere words & encompasses acts of kindness, consideration, & thoughtfulness.  Does this person exhibit those behaviors or fail to show kindness in their actions?

Love is not jealous or envious.  It celebrates the successes & happiness of the other person without feeling threatened or envious.  Does that describe this person accurately? 

Love does not brag & is not proud or arrogant.  It embraces humility & acknowledges the importance of equality & respect in a relationship.  If anyone constantly seeks to assert their superiority or demean the other person, their actions contradict the fundamental nature of love.

Love is not rude or self seeking.  Love manifests through politeness, courtesy, & selflessness. Anyone who consistently disregards your feelings, needs, or boundaries, reveals a lack of genuine love & concern.

Love does not take into account a wrong endured.  It forgives & lets go of past mistakes or hurts.  Holding onto grudges or constantly bringing up past offenses indicates an inability to truly love & forgive.  (Please know I am not referring here to anger at being abused.  That should not be in the “forgive & forget” category!)

Love does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth.  It stands for justice, fairness, & honesty.  Not doing so is evidence of a lack of Godly love. 

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, & endures all things.  It remains steadfast & unwavering during difficult times.  If someone abandons you in times of hardship or fails to support you, their love is not as true as they claim.

Love never fails.  It never fades or ends.  When someone says they love you but their actions consistently fall short of the qualities of love, it is an indication that their love may not be as authentic as they proclaim.

Words are important, but actions reveal the sincerity & depth of love.  When someone’s actions align with the qualities of love described in 1 Corinthians 13:4 8, their love is genuine.  However, if their actions consistently contradict these qualities, their love is questionable.  Remember, love requires evidence, & it is through actions that true love is revealed & experienced.

Why Judging Someone’s Character By How They Treat Their Parents Is Not Always Accurate

I have heard many people say that a person’s character can be determined by how a person treats their parents.  I disagree with this statement for several reasons.  Firstly, it assumes that parent/child relationships are always good, which is simply not the case for everyone.  Secondly, it doesn’t make sense because a relationship with one’s parents is naturally different from any other relationship.  Lastly, there are better ways to assess someone’s character that can give more accurate results.

As someone who’s been very harshly judged by many people, from family to total strangers, for my relationship with my parents, I would like to share some thoughts on this topic with you today.

It’s important to acknowledge that not everyone has a good relationship with their parents.  Some people have abusive parents, which obviously will cause a very strained & difficult parent/child relationship.  An abused child, no matter their age, is going to behave much differently around their parents than around those with whom they are comfortable.

Additionally, some people have had emotionally incestuous relationships with their parents.  The result of that is often someone who is always willing to do for their parents, yet unwilling to treat others as well.  This often results in others in this person’s life being neglected or treated poorly. 

When someone has been abused by their parent in any way, often ending that relationship is the only thing they can do to protect their mental & even physical health.  Ending the relationship is a last, desperate resort to protect one’s health & sanity.  Many people assume those of us who have taken this step are selfish, entitled & spoiled, & will mistreat anyone we can.  This is very rarely the case however. 

Lastly, some people have mentally ill parents whose illness requires they be treated differently than anyone else.  Judging someone in these situations by how they treat their parents will give you very inaccurate results.  

Instead of judging someone by their relationship with their parents, it’s better to look at how someone treats those who can’t benefit them in any way, such as their mechanic, waitress or even the janitor in their office building.  This is a more accurate way to determine someone’s character because it shows how they treat people who can’t benefit them.  If they are kind to them, chances are their character is very good.

Another way to assess someone’s character is to look at how they handle conflict.  Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, & how someone handles it can tell you a lot about their character.  Do they resort to name-calling & insults, or do they try to understand your point of view & come to a resolution? 

Lastly, it’s important to look at their actions rather than just their words.  Anyone can say they are kind or caring, but it’s their actions that truly matter.  Do they follow through on their promises?  Do they make an effort to be there for you when you need them, even when it’s inconvenient for them?

By using these methods, you can get a much better idea of someone’s true character than if you simply observe their relationship with their parents.

Some Signs Your New Friend Or Partner Is Toxic

Whenever a person gets involved in a new relationship, whether that relationship is a friendship or romantic, that person is on their best behavior.  That is normal.  Since they are interested in this other person, they want that other person to be interested in them, so of course they present their best self.  The two people involved may even form a bond almost immediately.  Such things are normal.

Unfortunately there are some very toxic people out there who try to mimic such things to draw people into a relationship with them.  They can be extremely manipulative, controlling & even evil.  At best, they are very dysfunctional & lacking in knowledge of how to handle new relationships.  At worst, they are narcissists.  If you are fortunate, the person in your situation is dysfunctional & willing to learn how to be healthier.  It seems most people who behave this way aren’t like that, though, & they are the ones you need to know how to recognize before they draw you in.

Narcissists are notorious for love bombing behavior.  In other words, they shower their new interest with affection, praise, gifts & anything that makes them feel loved.  It can be hard to recognize this behavior in the moment, because it makes a person feel swept off their feet.  When feeling that way, common sense can be completely lost.  To help anyone in that situation, I thought it would be a good idea to discuss some signs of love bombing today.

While praise is certainly a good thing, a love bombing narcissist will take it too far when they are love bombing their victim.  Their victim can do no wrong, or anything less than perfect really.

Everyone has met someone that they just “clicked” with immediately.  It’s a wonderful feeling, having met someone with whom you share so many similarities.  Narcissists may appear to have a great deal in common with you, but the truth is that they are faking it.  They only say that they like the same things you do or dislike the same things you don’t after you mention your feelings.  They also have no history of interest in the things you like, yet they say they do.

Narcissists want to know their victims’ dreams, thoughts, secret desires & traumas right away.  This is so they can use these things against their victim to hurt or manipulate them.

They often shower their new victims with gifts that although nice, don’t quite match their victim’s personality.  For example, you like pink roses but he always gives you yellow tulips. 

The relationship moves extremely fast.  That new friend may claim you are their best friend after knowing them only a short time.  Or, that new love interest starts talking about marrying you after you have been dating a very short time.  They claim you are special, they never have known anyone like you before, you are their soul mate & more, trying to make the relationship very serious even though you haven’t known each other for long.

If the relationship is romantic, a narcissist will push for physical intimacy very early.  Many narcissists use sex as a weapon, so the sooner they can get their victims into bed, the better.  They figure out exactly what their victims like, & use that to make them want the narcissist.  Then, they push their victims away without warning to confuse them & make them willing to do anything that pleases the narcissist just to have that part of the relationship back.

Suddenly the narcissist will turn cold towards you, leaving you wondering what you did wrong but the truth is, you haven’t done anything wrong.  Then the abuse will start.  Criticisms, manipulation, trying to keep you from seeing your friends & family.  This is typical of a narcissistic relationship. 

If your new friend or partner displays these behaviors, end the relationship as soon as you possibly can.  You deserve to be treated so much better than this!  End it before it goes any further & protect your mental health!

“But They Seem So Nice!”

If you ever ended a relationship with a narcissist, only to have others question your decision by saying, “But they seem so nice!”, you’re not alone.  It can be frustrating & disheartening to hear these remarks, especially when you know the truth about the narcissist’s behavior.  Don’t let anyone’s words convince you otherwise.  You have seen their true colors & know what they are capable of, even if others cannot see it.

Narcissists are masters at wearing a “good person” mask in front of others.  They go to great lengths to appear charming, kind, & considerate to those who are not their victims.  By presenting this false image, narcissists ensure their victims’ claims are met with skepticism & doubt.  However, their apparent niceness does not reflect their true nature.  Beneath the surface, they possess the need for power, control, & admiration.

When you think about the narcissist in your life, you may recall moments when they seemed genuinely kind & caring.  Perhaps they showered you with compliments, bought thoughtful gifts, or expressed empathy for your struggles.  These actions were not genuine displays of goodness but calculated moves to manipulate your emotions & keep you under their control.

Narcissists are experts at studying their victims & identifying their vulnerabilities.  Once they gain insight into what makes you tick, they use this knowledge to exploit your weaknesses for their benefit.  They know that by being kind & attentive, they can gain your trust, making it easier for them to manipulate & control you in the long run.

So, when others say, “But they seem so nice!”, remember that they have only witnessed the narcissist’s carefully curated act.  They have not experienced the abuse you endured.  Your firsthand knowledge of the narcissist’s true nature is far more valuable than the opinions of those who have been duped by their facade.

As a victim of narcissistic abuse, you have a very unique understanding of narcissists.  You have experienced their toxic behaviors firsthand.  While others see only a charming & charismatic individual, you see the darkness beneath their surface.  You have experienced the pain & turmoil caused by that darkness, & your perspective is valid.

Remember, narcissists are experts at portraying themselves as victims or deflecting blame onto others.  They will attempt to convince those around you that you are the problem, not them.  But you know the truth.  Avoid those who don’t believe & support you.

When dealing with narcissists & the people who have fallen for their “good person” act, setting & enforcing boundaries becomes particularly crucial.  It’s essential to establish clear limits on what you will & will not tolerate in your relationships. 

Building healthy boundaries means saying no to toxic behaviors & people, standing up for yourself, & surrounding yourself with people who respect & appreciate you for who you are.  Remember, you deserve to be in relationships that are full of only with kindness, empathy, & respect.

When others question your decision to end a relationship with a narcissist based on their apparent niceness, don’t let their doubts sway you.  You have seen the truth, & you know the extent of the narcissist’s manipulation & abuse.  Trust your instincts, & believe in your own experiences.  Trust yourself & your own experiences.  Set healthy boundaries to protect yourself from further harm.  Most importantly, remember that you deserve to be in relationships only with people who treat you with kindness, empathy, & respect.  Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise – you know the truth, & that is what matters.

Perspective Is So Important In Relationships

Relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships, are complex & require constant effort & understanding from all parties involved.  However, when misunderstandings or conflicts arise, it can be all too easy to jump to conclusions & assume the worst about the other person’s intentions.  This is where perspective becomes crucial. 

In this blog post, we will explore the significance of perspective in relationships & how this mindset can lead to growth, understanding, & healthier interactions.  We also will discuss different factors that can influence someone’s behavir.

When faced with a strained or damaged relationship, it can be tempting to solely focus on the other person’s actions & place blame on them for the issues at hand.  However, it is essential to take a hard look at our own behavior & evaluate how it may have contributed to the current state of affairs.

Firstly, we need to ask ourselves if we have done something to make the other person feel unsafe or apprehensive about opening up to us.  It is important to create an environment where people feel comfortable expressing their thoughts & emotions without fear of judgment or retribution.  By reflecting on our own actions, we can identify any patterns of behavior that may have contributed to their reluctance to communicate openly.

Secondly, we must consider if the other person’s expectations of us are unrealistic or if they simply desire consistency from us.  Behaving a certain way at the beginning of the relationship determines what will be expected from the other person long term.  When that changes, it can damage trust, be disappointing & can lead to conflict because the one expecting certain behaviors may feel let down or mislead.

Trust is vital to any healthy relationship, & when it is compromised or even destroyed, it leads to significant challenges.  If someone is displaying signs of insecurity, it is only reasonable to explore whether our actions have contributed to their lack of trust.

Trust can be eroded through a series of small betrayals or a single significant breach.  It is crucial to acknowledge the impact of our actions & take responsibility for repairing the trust we may have damaged.  By empathizing with the other person’s perspective & demonstrating genuine remorse & a willingness to change, we can rebuild trust in time.

It’s also important to recognize that some individuals have deep rooted insecurities that are not solely a result of our actions.  These insecurities can significantly impact their ability to trust & engage in healthy communication.  By being understanding & patient, we can work together to address these insecurities & encourage growth & healing.

Another aspect to consider when examining a damaged or failed relationship is the importance of boundaries & self respect.  It can be easy to dismiss someone’s decision to step away from a toxic dynamic as them giving up too easily.  However, someone having healthy self respect & refusing to tolerate ongoing unhealthy behavior isn’t bad.

Over time, individuals may develop a greater sense of self awareness & realize that certain behaviors or patterns are detrimental to their well being.  By setting boundaries & refusing to accept mistreatment, they are prioritizing their own mental & emotional health.  Their actions should prompt us to honestly evaluate our own behavior & make necessary changes to foster a healthier relationship.

Ultimately, it is vital to approach relationships with humility & a willingness to examine our own actions.  A perspective that values self reflection & understanding creates stronger, healthier connections.  Blaming the other person for a damaged or failed relationship may provide temporary relief, but true growth & resolution can only be achieved by taking an honest look at ourselves & learning to do better. It is through self reflection & a commitment to growth that we can learn from past mistakes & build a better future for ourselves & those we care about.

Things Abusive Partners Say

Many abusive people are very quick to judge & criticize victims of their abuse.  They deny the abuse was bad or that it even happened, they criticize how we choose to heal, they criticize us for not forgiving & forgetting the awful behavior & much more. 

For victims who have been abused by someone they love, then are judged & criticized by that person, I know it can be hard not to take your significant other’s thoughtless & cruel words to heart, but try not to!  You are the only one trying to be functional in this dysfunctional situation, & no one else has the right to judge or criticize how you do it or what you do, least of all the person who is abusing you   Please consider the following points.

Did it ever occur to you that you aren’t dumb, easily manipulated or confused because someone’s words & actions didn’t line up?  Who would know what to do in that situation?! That wouldn’t mean someone is dumb, easily manipulated or confused.  It would mean they were simply human. It takes time & learning to learn what to do in the midst of abuse.

You also aren’t high maintenance, demanding or nagging because you want anyone you share your life with to treat you with basic respect & consideration rather than being abusive.  Wanting people to treat you that way is actually a very good thing!  It shows you care about yourself & have self respect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with or bad about that!

Neither are you high maintenance for wanting to communicate with someone with whom you are in a romantic relationship.  This is a normal need that all human beings have, that God put in people.  Secrets don’t have a place in healthy & loving romantic relationships.

There is nothing wrong with you if you become anxious when someone is hot & cold with you.  Normal, functional people don’t send mixed messages to people that they care about by being very affectionate & attentive in then suddenly turning very cold without explanation.  This behavior is what is wrong.  The anxiety it causes is completely normal.

Being anxious is also completely normal when someone suddenly changes plans frequently, limits your access to them, & is vague when discussing personal details.  Any normal person would be put off by such unsettling behavior.  You also don’t have attachment issues or mental illness if you are unwilling to tolerate those behaviors quietly.

There is nothing wrong with you because you want to face the truth rather than constantly ignoring important issues.  Facing the truth is so much healthier than constantly sweeping things under the rug! Dysfunctional people do this because they prefer to avoid pain.  And, abusive people do this as a way to minimize their abusive behavior in the minds of their victims.  It’s a form of gaslighting.

If your significant other says such things to you, please remember what I have said.  I am telling you the truth, NOT your abusive partner!

What Happens When You Cut Family Out of Your Life

The abuse inflicted by narcissist family members is extremely cruel, insidious & manipulative.  Narcissistic parents, siblings & other relatives engage in manipulation, gaslighting, & control tactics that leave their victims, their own family members, questioning their own worth & sanity.  The prolonged exposure to such abuse will erode one’s sense of self & lead to a deep longing for escape.

Victims of narcissistic abuse frequently find themselves trapped in a cycle of hope & disappointment, desperately clinging to the belief that their family will change.  However, as the abuse continues, they come to the heartbreaking realization that they must prioritize their own well being & break free from the toxic cycle.

Deciding to go no contact with one’s narcissistic family member is intensely challenging & painful, no matter how cruel they may have been.  Deep down, there is a profound recognition that they are still your family, blood relatives who are meant to be an fundamental part of your life forever.  It takes a long time & a multitude of abuses to reach the point where severing ties with your own flesh & blood seems like the best option.  Even then, it requires immense courage to follow through with that decision.

Then there is the challenge of the best way to sever ties.  Talk to them face to face?  Call them?  Write a letter?  Email?  Text?  Or simply walk away, blocking all of their access to you?

Once you take this step & sever all ties, there is also the problem of other relatives either trying to force you to return to the relationship or spewing their hatred of you for treating the narcissist so cruelly.  This is why so many who go no contact with a narcissistic family member also end up losing most if not all of their other family members.

Contrary to popular belief, there also is a great deal of grief that follows the act of cutting family out of one’s life, & often, that grief can be excruciating.  While there is liberation from the abuse, the pain of losing someone you once loved is indescribable.  It’s similar yet different to losing someone to death.  When losing someone to death, there is finality.  Also when someone you love dies, if the relationship was good, although the grief is painful, it isn’t really complicated.  It boils down to you missing someone you love.  Painful of course, but it can be dealt with over time until you reach the point of learning to live without that person’s loving presence in your life. 

When you go no contact with your abusive family member, it involves a very complex mix of emotions that can leave people feeling conflicted, guilty, & lonely.  There is no finality because the family member is still alive.  Yet, you are unable to be with them because of their toxicity.  If you leave near one another, there is also the chance of seeing them at the grocery store, the mall, a restaurant or other public places unexpectedly, which can be extremely shocking & upsetting.

Many people who have not been in this situation fail to recognize these things though. They seem to assume since you chose to end the relationship, you won’t feel sad about doing it.  It’s similar to a couple who gets divorced.  Usually the one who initiated the divorce receives minimal if any support while the one whose idea the divorce was not gets a great deal of support.  It can be hard to find someone who understands how painful it is to end a relationship with an abusive family member who hasn’t ended a relationship with their own abusive family member.

If this describes your situation, please know you’re not alone!  I have been through it, as have countless other people I have spoken to.  There are people out there who understand, will support you & who will pray with & for you.  I have a Facebook group called Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug full of such people.  You’re very welcome to check it out if you like.  If not, there are many other similar groups online & a quick search should reveal plenty of them.  Good support can help you to get through this painful time.  Even more importantly though, God can help you get through & will be glad to do so.  He certainly did me & many others I know personally & have spoken with on this topic.  Pray.. tell Him how you feel & ask Him to comfort & help you.  He absolutely will!

Narcissists Mold Victims Into What They Want Them To Be In Relationships

Imagine finding someone who shares your interests, your passions, & your beliefs.  Someone who seems to understand you on a deep level & makes you feel like you’ve found your perfect mate.  That’s the kind of connection that most people dream of having.  However, for victims of narcissists, this connection is just an illusion.

When a victim of narcissistic abuse meets a narcissist, they often feel an instant connection.  This connection is based on the narcissist’s ability to mirror the victim’s personality, interests, & preferences.  The narcissist will pretend to like the same things as the victim, have the same values, & even share similar life experiences.  This creates a sense of familiarity & comfort that makes the victim feel like they’ve found someone who truly understands them.

However, this connection is an illusion.  The narcissist is not actually interested in the victim’s likes, dislikes, or beliefs.  They are simply pretending to be interested to gain the victim’s trust & admiration.  Once they know the victim is hooked, they stop putting in effort & begin to show their true colors.  The victim is left confused & hurt, wondering what happened to the connection they thought they had.

The narcissist will often blame the victim for the sudden lack of connection, suggesting that the victim needs to change or “improve” themselves in some way.   This is a way for the narcissist to control their victim.  The victim often begins to change themselves in an attempt to regain the connection they thought they had, further losing themselves in the process.

As the relationship progresses, the narcissist will use a tactic known as trauma bonding to keep the victim trapped.  Trauma bonding is a powerful psychological bond that forms between a victim & their abuser as a result of intense, emotional experiences.

In a narcissistic relationship, the trauma bonding cycle usually goes like this: the narcissist will reject the victim, causing them emotional pain & feelings of worthlessness.  The victim will then try to win back the narcissist’s affection, often by changing themselves or doing things to please the narcissist.  The narcissist will then “love bomb” the victim, showering them with attention & affection to make them feel validated & loved.  This cycle of rejection & love bombing is what creates the trauma bond, making it difficult for the victim to leave the relationship.

The victim may also feel like they have no other options outside of the relationship.  The narcissist will often make the victim believe that they are so awful, so ugly, stupid, unlovable & more that no one else would want them, & that they are lucky to have the narcissist.  This further traps the victim in the relationship, making it difficult for them to see a way out.

Breaking free from a narcissistic relationship is almost always the best option.  The first step is to recognize that the relationship is abusive & that the narcissist is not capable of change.  The victim must also accept that the connection they thought they had was an illusion, & that the narcissist never truly loved them.

The victim must then begin to set boundaries & distance themselves from the narcissist.  This involves cutting off all contact, or at least limiting contact to only necessary communication.  

It’s important for the victim to understand that they are not alone, & that there are resources available to help them.  There are support groups, therapists, & other professionals who can provide guidance & support throughout the healing process.  Best of all, God is a loving Father who is more than willing to help His children in any situation.

People With Narcissistic Tendencies Who Aren’t Narcissists

It’s easy to confuse some dysfunctional people with narcissists. While it’s true that some very dysfunctional people can behave similarly to narcissists, it’s important to remember that they’re not the same & should not be treated as such.  Labeling people as narcissists too easily dilutes the true meaning of narcissism.  It also minimizes the pain of victims of narcissistic abuse.  Today, we’ll discuss the differences between dysfunctional people with narcissistic tendencies & narcissists, & how to deal with them.

The primary difference between those with narcissistic tendencies & full blown narcissists is empathy.  Narcissists completely lack empathy & are unable to view the world from another person’s perspective.  Some dysfunctional people may not have an over abundance of empathy, but they still are somewhat able to understand the feelings & perspectives of others.  This is why their behavior is not malicious, just thoughtless.  They don’t want to hurt other people, unlike narcissists.

Some dysfunctional people with narcissistic tendencies may engage in activities such as seeking external validation to try to convince others & themselves that they are smart, talented, attractive & successful.  This is a typical narcissistic behavior, which can make it hard to tell if the person acting this way is dysfunctional or narcissistic.  One way to tell the difference is if you disagree with a narcissist, they become enraged, give you the silent treatment or act like you’re being mean to them.  A dysfunctional person is more likely to be hurt.

Another behavior of someone with narcissistic tendencies is to gaslight people as a way of avoiding facing their own trauma or the truth about their abusers.  This happens often when someone speaks openly of their personal trauma to someone prone to this behavior.  The topic upsets the dysfunctional person, so they try to stop the person from discussing it.  They may say things like, “You’re being over sensitive,” or, “He couldn’t be like that because was always nice to me!”  Narcissists may say the same type of statements, but it’s because they want to normalize abuse so they may continue abusing.  They also enjoy hurting people, & saying such cruel statements accomplishes that.  Their joy is evident by the subtle smirk or sparkle in their eyes when they realize you’re hurt.  A dysfunctional person won’t enjoy hurting you & most likely will apologize when they realize they hurt you.

Another difference between narcissistic tendencies & narcissistic behavior is that narcissists are driven by a deep need for attention & admiration, & will do whatever it takes to get it.  Dysfunctional people, on the other hand, are often fine not receiving a lot of attention & admiration.  In fact, admiration makes many very uncomfortable due to their low self esteem.

If you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies, it’s important to try to talk openly with them.  Being gentle with your words rather than accusatory, & use “I” statements when possible as that can help.  Saying, “I felt hurt that you said that” will be better received than, “You really hurt me when you said that” for example.  Be compassionate, encouraging, & sincere when communicating with them.

One thing I learned from dealing with someone like this was to consider what you know about this person, & if you don’t know much, learn what you can.  The person I knew like this had an abusive mother & was very insecure as a result of his upbringing.  I started being freer with complements & validation whenever appropriate.  These small steps improved our relationship, & his behavior improved drastically.

It’s also vitally important to remember to have healthy boundaries, & to not allow their dysfunction to hurt you.  

Most of all, pray for them & for God to give you wisdom on how best to handle your situation.  That makes the biggest difference of all!

It can be easy to label some dysfunctional people narcissists, but never forget that they are not the same.  When dealing with those with narcissistic tendencies, it’s important to remember that these people are often in pain & may need support, not judgment.  By understanding these people as well as the differences between narcissism & narcissistic tendencies, you can be better equipped to help those in need in a compassionate & supportive way.

When Your Partner Gets Quiet It May Be A Sign of Trouble In Your Relationship

As one-half of a couple, you know your partner best.  You know when they’re happy, sad, or angry.  But what happens when they get quiet, when they don’t talk about what’s going on in their life or how they feel about your relationship?  It can be a sign of trouble.  Today, we’ll explore some reasons behind why your partner may be quiet, what you can do to fix the situation.

Before we dive into the topic, please keep in mind that every relationship is different.  What works for one couple may not work for another.  That being said, there are some universal truths when it comes to relationships.  Communication is key.  When your partner gets unusually quiet, it’s frequently a sign that something is off. 

They’re dealing with personal issues.  Maybe your partner is going through a tough time at work or with their family.  They may not want to burden you with their problems or may not feel comfortable talking about them yet.

They’re processing their emotions.  Some people need time to sort through their feelings before they can talk about them.  Your partner may be one of these people.  I’m one of them, & can tell you that being this way means if you give me space to process things, when I do talk about them, I’ll make a lot more sense to you.

They’re feeling disconnected from you.  If your partner feels like you’re not paying attention to them or that they’re not important to you, they may start to withdraw.  They may not feel like talking to you because they don’t feel like you care.

Getting quiet also can be a sign that your partner is emotionally detaching from you.   Being quiet can be an attempt to protect themselves from being further hurt or disappointed by you.  Following are some other signs that is why they’re quiet:

They stop complaining, even though nothing has changed.  If your partner used to complain about things but has stopped, it may be a sign that they’ve given up on the issue or worse yet, the relationship.

They stop trying to get you to open up or do things together.  Your partner may not feel like it’s worth the effort anymore, so they stop.

They don’t show affection as much as they used to.  This can mean sex or simple affectionate gestures like giving you a hug when you come home from work.  If your partner used to be affectionate with you but has stopped, it may be a sign that they’re emotionally detaching from you.  They may not feel as connected to you as they used to. 

If you notice any of these signs, it’s important to talk to your partner & find out what’s going on.  Remember to be gentle, understanding, & non-judgmental.  You don’t want to make your partner feel attacked or defensive since that will make things worse.

Ask them how they’re doing.  Sometimes, all it takes is a simple question to get your partner to open up.  Ask them how they’re feeling & if there’s anything you can do to help if they’re struggling.

Listen actively.  When your partner does open up, listen actively.  Repeat back what they’ve said & ask clarifying questions.  This shows that you’re paying attention, that you genuinely want to know what is happening & that you care.

Be patient.  Remember that your partner may need time to process their emotions.  Don’t rush them or pressure them to talk before they’re ready.

Don’t say “I understand” & give examples of why you understand unless your partner asks if you understand something. Doing this without them asking sends the message that you just want to talk about yourself, not them, & it hurts even if that isn’t your intention.

Remember, communication is key.  If your partner has gotten quiet lately, it’s a good idea to find out why.  With time & effort, you can work through any issues & strengthen your relationship.

Boundaries Are Good For Everyone, Even Narcissists

Dysfunctional people, especially narcissists, often believe that having no boundaries, always giving in to someone & doing anything they want is what it means to love & honor someone. They even claim it’s not Godly to say no.

This couldn’t be more wrong though!

Romans 15:2 says, “Let each one of us [make it a practice to] please his neighbor for his good, to build him up spiritually..” (AMP)

Reread that verse again.  It says we should please our neighbor “for his good.”  That alone proves that not everything that can be done for someone is for their own good.  But, even if you don’t believe the Scripture, simply observing those who have gotten their way about nearly everything shows you that isn’t good.  People who are very accustomed to getting their own way are very selfish, arrogant & entitled.  They can be extremely demanding of others & have virtually no respect for the time & needs of others.  They also can be narcissists.

For victims of narcissistic abuse, saying no creates a great deal of shame.  Narcissists train their victims to do whatever they want with no regard to the victim’s own needs, wants or feelings. They also make sure their victims know how selfish & terrible they are if they consider their needs, wants or feelings rather than only the narcissist’s.  After being berated for being so terrible enough times, any normal person in this situation learns to avoid saying no & simply do whatever the narcissist wants in order to avoid trouble.  It seems easier than being shamed for saying no.

After years of being forced to go along with whatever the narcissist wants, saying no seems almost impossible.  It can be done however, & it must be done!

Starting small is a wise move.  If the narcissist in your life calls you constantly, don’t take their call every single time.  Take it when you feel able to do so.  Or, if they want to meet you somewhere at a certain time, suggest a different place or time periodically.  Tiny things like this may not seem important, but they are helping to get you accustomed to setting boundaries.  They help to give you the confidence to set other, larger boundaries.      

These smaller boundaries also are rarely large enough to warrant a narcissistic rage.  A narcissist may be annoyed by these actions, but seldom will become furious.

Once you become comfortable setting very small boundaries, then it is time to progress to slightly larger then larger ones.  One of those larger boundaries for me was when my parents wanted to come visit my home.  Telling them I didn’t want them in my home was out of the question, so I got creative.  I would suggest we go to lunch or visit a store I knew they liked.  Doing these things was surprisingly easy.  They liked to go out to eat & also window shopping, so it wasn’t hard to convince them to do these things.  And, approaching these things from the angle of “I know you like this thing, & I would like to as well” made it seem less like setting boundaries, which made them willing to go along with my suggestions. 

The more boundaries I set with my parents, the more distant they became & the less they expected from me.  I became healthier by being better with setting boundaries & they became less entitled when it came to me.  Being narcissists, of course the relationship was never going to be healthy, but it did improve & all three of us became healthier.

Setting boundaries with narcissists gets easier the more you do it.  It’s so worth doing when you realize just how good it is for you & the narcissist in your life.

  

When People Make You Feel Overly Responsible For Your Relationships

In 2014, I shared a picture on Facebook.  It was taken on my parents’ wedding day in 1969.  In the picture, they were standing by my father’s car, talking to my mother’s uncle.  A rather innocent picture that I mistakenly thought even my highly judgmental, critical family wouldn’t have a problem with me sharing.  I was wrong.

The first comment was from one cousin.  She mentioned how my father & I shared a love of old cars.  He always taught me about cars.  Not only maintenance, but identifying engines, years, makes & models.  I said it was about the only thing we had in common but we really did share that love of cars.  She didn’t respond to my comment.  One of our aunts, however, did.  She was a very devoted flying monkey & covert narcissist, as is evident by her reaction.

This aunt attacked me & said I needed to figure out more things to share with my father.  She was so hateful that I simply deleted her comment without responding.  I knew anything I said would fall on deaf ears, so it wasn’t worth my time or energy to explain my side to her.

Wasn’t this ridiculous though?! My aunt said I should be the one to change to please my father.  Obviously she didn’t care about me, my feelings or interests.  She never told my father about how he should try to get interested in things I like to please me.  And, as the icing on the cake, she was disrespectful & down right hateful in sharing her ludicrous opinions with me.

This is how it often is with adult children of narcissistic parents.  We are the ones given the responsibility of making relationships in our lives work.  We grow up knowing we must figure out how to please our parents at all times.  After we grow up, it seems that not only are we supposed to make the parental relationship work, but other relationships too.  Marriages, in-laws, friendships, coworker relationships.. all are our responsibility according to many people in our lives. 

In thinking about this, I have developed a theory about why people think it’s up to victims to make relationships work.  We are the safe ones to put that burden on.

Consider my situation with my aunt.  She remembers me as the blindly obedient, terrified child I once was.  She clearly thought I was still easy to boss around & probably still starved for the approval of my parents.  These factors would make me the easier person to confront in this situation than my father who, like her, was a covert narcissist.  It makes sense in a way that she took the easy route by dealing with me instead of him.

While in an odd way, it’s almost a complement that someone feels safe so with you, it still just, well, stinks!  It’s not right for people to make you feel as if you’re the one who needs to do all the work & make all the changes in that situation!  If they are going to talk to you about making changes, they should talk to the other person as well.

If you are in this situation, you have rights!  You can ask this person why they think it’s ok to put this pressure on you while saying nothing to the other person (which might get them off your back because they can have no good answer to this question!).  You can tell them this topic isn’t up for discussion & refuse to discuss it with them.  You can set whatever boundaries you need to in order not to take full responsibility for fixing things, because that responsibility is not 100% yours!  Don’t let someone make you feel as if it is.  You deserve better than that!

What The Bible Says About Division

Division is a prevalent issue in today’s society.  The Bible speaks extensively about the dangers of division & the importance of avoiding it.  We must understand division & how to combat it with wisdom & discernment.

There is a spirit of division at work in our world today, so we must learn to recognize its tactics & combat it.  This spirit is responsible for creating rifts & schisms within families, marriages, friendships, the workplaces & even in churches.  There are many Scriptures about division.

In Matthew 12:25, Jesus tells us that a kingdom divided against itself cannot stand.  

The Apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 1:10 in the Amplified Bible, “But I urge you, believers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you be in full agreement in what you say, and that there be no divisions or factions among you, but that you be perfectly united in your way of thinking and in your judgment [about matters of the faith].”

Proverbs 6 warns us about the dangers of sowing discord among brothers & sisters.  It tells us that God hates it when people stir up conflict & cause strife among believers.

Similarly, in Romans 16:17-18, Paul warns us about those who create division & cause obstacles contrary to the doctrine that we have been taught.  He tells us to avoid them & to be wise about their intentions.

1 Corinthians 3:3 says, “You are still worldly [controlled by ordinary impulses, the sinful capacity]. For as long as there is jealousy and strife and discord among you, are you not unspiritual, and are you not walking like ordinary men [unchanged by faith]?”  And, Jude 1:19 similarly discusses divisive people.  “These are the ones who are [agitators] causing divisions—worldly-minded [secular, unspiritual, carnal, merely sensual—unsaved], devoid of the Spirit.”

When we constantly prioritize our own desires & ambitions above the good of others, we create division.  We must learn to submit to one another & seek the good of others too, not just ourselves.  We always must be careful not to fall into the trap of worldly thinking & instead seek the wisdom & guidance of the Holy Spirit.

In Luke 12:51, Jesus says, “Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division [between believers and unbelievers];”  At first glance, this may seem to contradict the Bible’s message of unity & peace.  However, when we read this verse in context with others, we see that Jesus referred to the natural division between belivers & unbelievers.

We must be willing to stand firm in our faith, even if it means facing opposition & persecution from those who do not believe.  However, this does not mean that we should create division where it shouldn’t be.  We must be discerning & wise in our relationships & interactions with others.

An important key to combating division is love.  As Paul writes in Colossians 3:14, ” Beyond all these things put on and wrap yourselves in [unselfish] love, which is the perfect bond of unity [for everything is bound together in agreement when each one seeks the best for others].”  We must approach others with love, kindness & humility.  

Wisdom is also crucial in avoiding destructive division.  We must seek God’s wisdom & guidance as we interact with others.  We must be good examples of our faith with demonstrating love & promoting unity while also not compromising our faith.  We also must be wise enough to know when to end relationships that are unhealthy or even toxic.

I firmly believe everyone must be on guard against division & actively work to create unity & peace in relationships.  Love, wisdom, discernment & most of all a strong faith in God will do wonders for combating a spirit of division.

Does God Really Hate Divorced People?

Many people are very quick to quote Malachi 2:16 (which says God hates divorce) to someone who either has gone through a divorce or is currently going through one.  I experienced this myself during mine, & I can tell you that this is NOT helpful! 

People who say this often do so in a shaming context, as if the person initiating the divorce is in the wrong or the person who was pushed into a divorce didn’t try hard enough to save their marriage.  Worse yet is when this is said to someone who is  attempting to leave an abusive spouse, as if God would want this person to stay in a situation toxic or even dangerous situation.  In any case, it’s as if these people think because God hates divorce, He also hates people who get a divorce.  I really don’t believe this is true!

God clearly loves all people.  He doesn’t only love people who never have been divorced.  John 3:16 in the Amplified Bible says, “For God so [greatly] loved and dearly prized the world, that He [even] gave His [One and] only begotten Son, so that whoever believes and trusts in Him [as Savior] shall not perish, but have eternal life.”  Notice how it says he loved “the world”, not “the world except those who have been divorced.”  He loves people, & knows that no matter how hard we may try, we are still capable of making mistakes.  Those who made the mistake of thinking someone was the right person but turned out not to be aren’t unlovable to God.

If you are divorced because your former spouse was abusive, God loves you!  He knows that although you married someone who treated you terribly, you did your best with what you knew at the time.  Maybe you didn’t recognize the red flags or maybe you didn’t think of those red flags as bad because after growing up with similar behavior, you assumed this was just how people behave.  God knows that, & doesn’t hate you for not knowing better!

Going through a divorce is traumatic, even under the most amicable of circumstances.  People can be very cruel.  They may abandon you in favor of your spouse, blame you for the divorce whether or not it was your fault, & say very insensitive, even sometimes cruel things.  These things can leave you feeling utterly alone at the worst possible time.  Please know though that you truly aren’t alone!  God still loves you, & will get you through this time!  He will comfort you & help to heal your broken heart if you just let Him.  Stay close to Him always, & let Him get you through this painful time.

If you are looking for support from other people as well, please be wise about this!  Talking to someone who has been through a divorce themselves can be very helpful since they have experience in this area. Talk to someone who is non-judgmental, caring, & empathic.  Avoid anyone who gives unsolicited advice, such as whether or not you should start to date again.  No one knows your situation better than you do.  You will know best what you need to do.  Talk to someone who is willing to pray for you & with you, especially during times you can’t find the words.  If you can’t think of anyone like this, then ask God to lead the right person to you.  He absolutely will! 

The Difference Between Hurt & Harm With Boundaries

It’s common for us to use the words “hurt” & “harm” interchangeably, especially in everyday conversations, but what’s the actual difference between these two words?  It’s important to know the differences, but especially when setting boundaries.  In this post, we’ll explore the differences between hurt & harm, as well as how we can learn to make the distinction.

When we experience hurt with regard to boundaries, it usually comes from feeling disappointed or even angry that this person disagrees with us or won’t do something we ask.  Although hurt can be painful, it is usually not long-lasting.  Hurt also isn’t a deliberate act to cause pain. We can often recover from hurt quickly with some prayer, self-care, & support from friends and family.

Harm is more serious than hurt.  It is the direct result of someone else’s actions, & it can have long-term consequences.  Harm can come from abuse, neglect or exploitation.  In some cases, harm can lead to serious health complications & even death.  Setting & enforcing reasonable boundaries doesn’t harm anyone.  Abusive people however act like boundaries are harmful to them, & the person setting those boundaries is unreasonable, cruel & causing them great harm.  This makes the one setting those boundaries feel badly, & if that person is unaware of what the abuser is doing, they may disregard their boundary to please the abuser.  When this happens over & over again, the victim’s boundaries are eroded until there are none left, & the abuser is in control of the victim.

It can be difficult to tell the difference between hurt & harm if you’re not sure what to look for or are new to setting healthy boundaries.  There are some signs that might help you to recognize the difference. 

Healthy boundaries offer freedom.  The person receiving that boundary has the choice to respect it or not, & if not, they are aware there are consequences for that.  If the person receiving them doesn’t respect them & is faced with consequences, it may hurt their feelings but causes them no harm.  When there is no choice involved & someone is forced to do something they don’t want to do, that is very controlling & harmful.

Healthy boundaries encourage healthy, functional behavior from both the person setting the boundaries & the person on the receiving end of the boundaries.  Healthy behavior isn’t easy for someone accustomed to dysfunctional behavior, so it can hurt a bit at first.  However, it causes no harm.  Instead, it encourages self improvement.

You can tell a great deal about how someone feels about you by how they respond to your boundaries.  Someone who truly cares about you will respect your boundaries.  If you are new to learning to have healthy boundaries, someone who cares for you will encourage your new growth.  A person who doesn’t truly respect or care for you will resist, criticize or even ignore your boundaries.  When victims of abuse first start to learn about boundaries, their abusers are usually very judgmental & cruel.  They accuse their victim of not being nice anymore or being selfish.  If that happens to you, just remember – they aren’t saying these things because they’re concerned about you.  They’re saying them because they realize they’re losing their control over you.  In their eyes, that’s a bad thing but in reality, it’s a very good thing, so keep doing what you’re doing!

We all deserve to feel safe & respected & healthy boundaries are a part of that. Knowing the difference between hurt & harm when setting boundaries definitely will help us to achieve that.

Creating Paranoia As An Abuse Tactic

One very common tool of abusive people is to make their victims feel paranoid.  This is an effective weapon because it is easy to do, makes victims want to isolate themselves from people other than their abuser, & also makes them easier to control.

This paranoia is built on nothing but lies, but the lies can seem very credible to victims who are unaware of what is being done to them.  Abusers maintain a calm demeanor & confidences in their words when saying their lies, which add to credibility.  And, if a victim says anything to their abuser, chances are excellent that the abuser will not only deny that they are lying, but make the victim feel guilty for doubting the abuser was doing anything other than trying to help the victim.

Creating this paranoia happens with comments like, “Everyone is talking about that bad thing you did”, or, “Everyone believes that bad thing about you.”  When I was a teenager, my mother used to tell me that.  According to her, *everyone* said I was behaving horribly & they couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.  I had no reason to doubt this, because when I saw people that we both knew, often times, they clearly had a negative opinion of me.  Some wouldn’t even make eye contact with me even though they once liked me.  This brings me to another way this paranoia is created…

Abusers lie to other people about victims to add to victims’ growing paranoia.  Yes, the smear campaign is to hurt victims & destroy their reputation, but it also helps abusers.  They benefit when people believe only the worst about their victims, because it means if the victim divulges the truth about the abuse, no one will believe them.  It also adds to paranoia in victims, because they can see very clearly other people suddenly dislike them.  It makes the abuser’s lie that everyone is talking about something bad about the victim seem like it easily could be true.

They also suggest things that influence paranoia.  Abusers may set the stage with some smaller lies & let the victim’s imagination take over.  They can do this by saying things like, “You do realize what people think of you, don’t you?”  A person with damaged self esteem naturally will believe people only thing bad things about them. 

Some abusers have their flying monkeys spying on victims & report back to the abuser about their findings.  My mother did this when I was in the eleventh grade.  Someone at my school would call her at the end of the day & report back to her what I supposedly did.  I don’t know if the person lied or my mother did, but often when she hung up the phone, my mother would rage at me & accuse me of doing things that I usually hadn’t done.  When I asked how she knew about this, she would say, “My source told me what you did,” & refuse to tell me who the source was.  This left me feeling that I couldn’t trust anyone.  Nowadays, social media can be used as a tool for spying.  Since a person can create unlimited fake profiles, there is no real way to hide from it, which is incredibly unsettling.

Whatever the abuser does to create paranoia, they sound magnanimous about their behavior.  They say things like, “I just thought you should know…”, “I’m only telling you this so you’ll hear it from me rather than someone else” or, “Naturally I don’t think that about you, but others certainly do.”  This is done to remove doubt that the abuser is lying, to drive a wedge in between certain people & the victim, to make the victim feel he or she can trust what the abuser says & to make the abuser look good.

Anyone who treats you in such ways is trying to make you paranoid as a means of controlling you.  Don’t tolerate it!  In fact, if at all possible, get away from this person immediately! If that isn’t possible, never forget what they are doing. Don’t believe a word they say!

Stages Of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, is a common & strange phenomenon among victims of ongoing abuse.  It happens when abusers aren’t abusive all of the time, & show their victims random kindnesses.  Those kindnesses seem to prove to victims that their abuser isn’t all bad, & they really do care for their victim.  That thinking bonds the victim to their abuser & makes them more willing to tolerate abuse.

Narcissists are exceptionally good at trauma bonding their victims to them.  It happens very subtly & in gradually increasing stages of toxicity.  Trauma bonding is much like the story of putting a frog in a pot of water.  If the water is boiling when he goes in, he recognizes the danger & hops out immediately.  But, if it’s warm & gradually the temperature increases to boiling, he won’t notice he’s in danger until it’s too late.  I’ve been through this with my narcissistic ex husband & want to share today what I’ve learned about trauma bonds in the hopes of helping others avoiding the same suffering I experienced.

The first stage of trauma is love bombing.  This is when the narcissist showers you with love, praise & adoration.  You can do no wrong.  You are absolutely perfect!  They’ve never known anyone as amazing & perfect as you.  Gifts can be a part of love bombing too.  They give you things they know you like or have mentioned wanting. If you’re having sex, they can’t get enough of you & let you know they want you constantly, making you feel like the most desirable human being ever

Concurrently with love bombing, they earn your trust.  They validate & support you in every imaginable way.  Any struggle you experience, they are on your side 1,000%.  You are always right, other people are always wrong.  They won’t hesitate to defend you to anyone.  They also hang on your every word & want to know all about your dreams, desires, innermost thoughts, fantasies & goals.

After some time, you naturally feel as if you met the person you can’t imagine living without.  Once you’re secure in this relationship, things begin to change.  Nothing drastic of course… just tiny, subtle changes.  Maybe they aren’t as anxious to spend time with you as they had been.  They also begin to be less generous with praise & become a bit critical.  They may begin to ask more of you too.  Relationships change over time though so it’s easy to chalk up these things to the normal evolution of relationships. 

The more time passes, the more that romantic partner vanishes.  You no longer are the perfect, love of their life.  Instead, you are to blame for everything.  Things that are their fault aren’t their fault, according to them.  They’re your fault.   They also gaslight you into making you believe that they know best about everything, including what is best for you.  Over time, you believe their narrative, not reality & truth.

When this first happens, you fight back, but quickly learn that the only way to experience that loving person at the beginning of the relationship is to give in & stop asking for things like respect & love.  This trains you to settle for narcissistic breadcrumbs, those rare kind gestures, & to be incredibly grateful for them.

This also results in you losing yourself.  You give up those things you once loved to keep this person happy.  Changing your likes, beliefs, & looks seem a small price to pay to be loved like this person once loved you.  You also think if you become what they want you to, they’ll love you like they did at the beginning.

Trauma bonding can result in the body creating something similar to physical addiction.  The constant stress means your stress hormone cortisol level is constantly too high, & looking to activate dopamine to give you that feeling of pleasure.  If that doesn’t happen, something else can happen that I think is more common with covert narcissists.  You feel extremely obligated to this person, & afraid you can’t live without them.  I married my ex not out of love, but out of feeling I owed it to him.

If this describes your relationship, make no mistake, this is an extremely dangerous relationship!  You deserve better than this, & you can survive without this person.  Do yourself a favor & leave as soon as possible!

Ghosting To End A Relationship

Ghosting has become a popular phrase.  On the off chance you don’t know what it means, it means simply removing yourself from someone’s life without explanation, blocking their access to you via phone, email, social media, etc. 

Often, it can be an immature person’s way of ending a relationship, which is why it is so highly criticized.   Mature people have open dialog with each other when they are faced with conflict, so running away does seem immature.  Naturally it can be, but sometimes it is also the best way to deal with someone who is toxic.

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist & want to end it, there is truly no point in explaining why you want to end the relationship.  Narcissists have zero interest in making changes to please you or to make the relationship healthy.  Instead, if you try talking to them about why you want to end the relationship, they will claim you are unreasonable, abusive, demanding or a host of other things all while ignoring your valid complaints.  Nothing good comes of this.  Either the victim gets caught up in defending himself or herself, or the victim believes the narcissist’s lies & stays in the relationship & nothing changes

Narcissists also are very good at convincing their victim to forego their complaints & stay in the relationship by portraying themselves as completely innocent, claiming they had no idea the victim was upset with them at all, so the victim should give them just one more chance.  I have been in this situation prior to learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, & can tell you from experience this is tough!  My ex made me feel obligated to him, like I owed it to him to maintain the relationship sacrifice my happiness for his.  That is a terrible way to feel! 

Thankfully not everyone is a narcissist, however.  Some people are just your average, every day insensitive jerk.  They aren’t all about themselves, but they are thoughtless about other people & how their behavior can hurt them.  They are worth talking to, because they aren’t malicious.  They don’t want to hurt anyone, they just are self centered & unthinking.

If you are wondering if someone you want to end a relationship with is someone you should talk to or ghost, I have some advice for you.

No one should have to explain to another adult how to be a decent person, especially over & over.  If you have had to do that, this is a red flag that this person isn’t willing to work with you on the relationship.  Ghosting may be your best option.

If you have explained repeatedly why the person hurts you yet they continue to do so, quietly walking away may be your best option.  They clearly have no desire to hear what you say or make positive changes, so why waste your time trying to make them hear you?

If you have tried talking to this person before & they minimize their behavior, invalidate your feelings or even deny it ever happened, ghosting is probably your best option?

Just to be absolutely certain in these situations, I prayed about them too, & asked God how I should handle it.  Doing as He said always has been the best option.

Lastly, if you do opt to ghost someone, then be forewarned- some people will be critical of you for how you ended the relationship.  They have no business criticizing how you handle your life.  Ignore them. 

And, if the person you ghosted is a narcissist, chances are excellent that they will tell people you abandoned them without even saying why, they had no idea you were unhappy & more lies.  People will believe those lies, & that will hurt you.  Knowing the truth & that you did what was right in the situation is going to have to be good enough for you.  It really can be too, when you realize how much more peaceful your life is without the narcissist in it.  As for those who thought you were terrible for how you ended the relationship?  You don’t need people like that anyway.  Spend your life with people who genuinely love & support you, not with those who judge you & think you should tolerate being abused!

Setting Boundaries VS Stating Feelings

Human beings are called to love others & show compassion, but it’s also important to recognize our own worth & set boundaries when necessary.  While stating our feelings may help express our emotions, setting boundaries is crucial to protect our well being & maintain healthy relationships. It’s important to know the correct way to set boundaries, so today we will discuss the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries.

When someone says or does something that hurts us, it’s natural to want to express our feelings & let them know how their actions have impacted us.  Stating our feelings allows us to communicate our emotions & helps the other person understand the consequences of their behavior.  For example, we might say, “It hurts me when you talk to me like that.” By expressing our feelings, we create an opportunity for empathy, understanding, & potentially resolving the issue.

However, stating our feelings alone may not always lead to a change in behavior or a resolution, especially when the person hurting you is a narcissist.  While it is normal to want to express our emotions honestly, it is equally crucial to take it a step further & set clear boundaries, especially with narcissists.

Consider an example where someone consistently speaks disrespectfully.  We might say, “When you talk to me like that, it hurts me.”  While this statement conveys our emotions, it fails to set a boundary that can prevent further harm.  By solely stating our feelings, we leave the door open for the disrespectful behavior to continue.  The other person may not fully comprehend the impact of their words, & if the person is a narcissist, they get a thrill when their victims admit to feeling pain over something they have said or done which means they will continue to engage in that behavior.

Setting boundaries is about clearly defining what is acceptable & what is not.  It also involves stating the consequences if those boundaries are violated.  For instance, in the previous example, instead of merely expressing hurt, a boundary can be set by saying, “If you continue talking to me disrespectfully, I’m going to leave.”  By setting the boundary, we communicate that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable & establish a consequence for crossing that line.

Boundaries empower us to take control of our well being & protect ourselves from harmful situations.  They serve as a guide to others, showing them how we expect to be treated.  Setting boundaries is not about being selfish or mean spirited as some dysfunctional people think.  It’s about valuing ourselves & promoting healthy relationships.

As Christians, setting boundaries is especially important as we strive to love others as ourselves.  Jesus himself demonstrated the importance of boundaries in His interactions.  He set boundaries when necessary, even with His closest disciples, to maintain healthy relationships & support His mission.  Setting boundaries creates an environment where love, respect, & understanding thrive.

Recognizing the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries is essential.  While expressing our emotions is a valid & necessary part of communication, setting boundaries ensures that our emotional well being is protected.  It is important to know when to move beyond stating feelings & take appropriate action to establish boundaries.

Every situation is unique, & there is no one-size-fits-all approach to setting boundaries.  The appropriate action may vary depending on the severity of the situation, the dynamics of the relationship, & our personal boundaries.  Trust God, trust your instincts & prioritize your well-being.

As victims of narcissistic abuse, it can be even more challenging to differentiate between stating feelings & setting boundaries.  Narcissistic individuals manipulate & invalidate emotions, making it difficult to express ourselves authentically.  However, by understanding the difference & learning how to set healthy boundaries, we can establish healthy boundaries.

In conclusion, while stating our feelings allows us to express our emotions, setting boundaries correctly is crucial.  As Christians, it is important to love others, but we must also recognize our own worth & establish boundaries when necessary.  By differentiating between stating our feelings & setting boundaries, we can create an environment of respect & understanding.  I encourage you to be brave in expressing your emotions & in setting boundaries, honoring yourself & those around you.

Signs Of Unhealthy Friendships

Friendships are as varied as the individuals in them.  Some friendships are lifelong, somewhat like a marriage without the romantic aspect.  That is my best friend.  She knows more about me than anyone else excluding my husband.  Some friendships last for a while, but over time, simply fizzle out.  The once close friendship becomes more distant over time until both parties realize it’s been a very long time since they spoke, & neither is overly interested in reaching out.  It’s not about lack of fondness for each other, but more about simply growing apart.  These friendships are quite normal.

Then there are the unhealthy friends.  There isn’t much information about them readily available, so today I thought discussing them would be a good idea.

Following are some signs that your friendship is unhealthy, & it may be time for you to move on.

A friendship that is out of balance on a consistent basis is very unhealthy.  Anyone with at least one close friend knows that there are times the friendship will be out of balance.  One of you experiences a crisis, so the other is there to help however they can.  The helper doesn’t discuss much if anything about what is happening in their life during this time.  After the crisis has passed, the friendship resumes its more balanced nature.  The helper isn’t upset by the out of balance arrangement because either they have been the one in need of help before or they know their friend will be there for them if they face a crisis.  When one person is consistently the needy one & shows little or no consideration for the other however, this is a big red flag that the needy person is simply using the other.

A “friend” who fails to respect your needs & your time isn’t really your friend.  I’ve had plenty of friends like this.  All that mattered to them was what they thought they needed when they needed it, & nothing else was important.  I’ve had several friends who insisted on talking to me about their life & problems on the phone for hours, at any time of day, never once caring that I had other things to do.  Telling them I needed to go was met with talking over me or otherwise acting like I said nothing. 

You know that sharing anything about you or your life will be turned back around to them.  One former friend of mine was exceptionally skilled at doing this.  I talked to her a couple days after my father in-law died.  I mentioned that & I was concerned about my husband.  Her response?  “Oh, that’s too bad.  Anyway…” then she went on to discuss her life… even though she had spent the last half hour at least talking about it before I was able to tell her about my father in-law.  When I told my best friend the same thing, she immediately asked how my husband was doing, asked how I was doing, asked if she could do anything & said she’d be praying for us.  Such a difference!

A friend who says they don’t have time for you, but they have time for others isn’t really your friend.  The fact is people make time for what is important to them.  If someone says they are too busy to spend time with you briefly, that is one thing.  Sometimes life gets hectic, but things eventually calm down.  A person who constantly says they are too busy for you yet spends time with other friends doesn’t value your friendship.

It can hurt acknowledging some friendships are unhealthy, but I can promise you it’s absolutely worth it.  I have removed every single person like this from my life, & my life is so much better now!  I can’t tell you how much more peaceful life is without “friends” like this constantly disrupting my day & ruining my mood.  If you have unhealthy friendships, I urge you to make changes.  By losing the unhealthy friends, you will free yourself up to gain healthy ones.  Psalm 68:6 says that God gives families to the lonely, & I have found that to be so true!  My close friends are more like family than friends.  What He did for me, He can do for you too!

How & Why People Try To Normalize Bad Behavior

Have you ever wondered why some people try to normalize bad behavior?  Why do they downplay or even defend actions that are clearly harmful or abusive?  The answer is complex & goes deep into the dysfunctional mind.

When it comes to dysfunctional or abusive relationships, people use various coping mechanisms to survive the emotional turmoil.  One common yet very dysfunctional coping mechanism is the act of normalizing bad behavior.  By convincing themselves that the actions of their abusers are not evil or abusive, they create a distorted reality where their trauma becomes more manageable.

For many victims, admitting that their abusers were truly evil would mean confronting the depth of their pain & the extent of the trauma they endured.  It can be incredibly difficult to accept that someone you loved & trusted could be capable of such cruelty.  Doing that is a frightening prospect, one that is too frightening for some people.  But, if they can normalize the behavior, they can avoid having to accept the painful truth.  If they can convince themselves that the abusive behavior is normal or acceptable, they can shield themselves from the full weight of their trauma.

Narcissists have different reasons when it comes to normalizing bad behavior.  They actively condition their victims to tolerate abuse by convincing them that it is not as bad as they think it is.  By subtly manipulating their victims’ perception of reality, over time, narcissists make their victims feel ashamed for being upset or traumatized by the abuse.

Through gaslighting, a common tactic used by narcissists, victims are made to question the validity of their emotions & over time, even question their own sanity.  Narcissists will twist the truth, deny their actions, or even blame the victim for provoking the abuse.  This constant manipulation erodes a victim’s self esteem & makes them believe that their reactions to the abuse are exaggerated or unwarranted.  It also makes them believe their reactions are the real problem rather than the abuse.

As a result of all of this manipulation, victims of narcissistic abuse begin to tolerate the abusive behavior in an attempt to avoid the shame associated with their emotional responses.  They fear being labeled as overly sensitive, irrational or crazy, & so they suppress their true feelings.  This allows the narcissist to maintain control over the victim & perpetuates the cycle of abuse.

By normalizing bad behavior, both dysfunctional individuals & narcissists create an illusion of normalcy that shields them from facing any harsh reality.  For dysfunctional individuals, it helps them maintain the illusion of normalcy & stability in their lives, even if those things are built upon a foundation of denial.  By convincing themselves that the abuse they endured is not truly abusive, they can continue to function without confronting the trauma.

Similarly, narcissists rely on the normalization of their behavior to perpetuate their control over their victims.  By making the victims believe that the abuse is normal or deserved, they ensure that the victim will not seek help or escape the toxic relationship.  This manipulation allows the narcissist to maintain power & control, further perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

To sum it up, the normalization of bad behavior serves as a coping mechanism for dysfunctional individuals & a means of control for narcissists.  By distorting reality & convincing themselves or their victims that the abuse is not bad or is even simply normal behavior, they create an environment where abuse can be denied.  Understanding these dynamics is crucial for breaking free of abuse, healing from it & protecting yourself from narcissistic abuse.  Remember, as painful as the ugly truth can be, it’s always less painful than living a lie.