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About Low Contact

Low contact is exactly as it sounds, when a person has low contact with another.  It isn’t discussed a lot in the circles that discuss narcissistic abuse, which is really a shame. 

If you are in the position of not being able to go full no contact, such as in the situation of having joint custody of children together, low contact is an excellent alternative.  Or, if you want to go no contact but don’t feel strong enough to take that step just yet, low contact can help you get to that point.  Low contact is different than no contact in that it doesn’t need to be done all at once.  It can be done little by little, & each little step you take increases your confidence in your ability to set boundaries with the narcissist.  Or, if the narcissist in your life is low on the spectrum, you may find that low contact makes the relationship much more tolerable & decide not to go full no contact.  In any case, low contact really can be a very helpful tool!

Whatever your situation with the narcissist, if you are considering low contact, I’m sure it’s for a very valid reason.  At their absolute best, narcissists are VERY difficult to deal with & at their worst, impossible to deal with, even dangerous to one’s physical & mental health.  Be proud of yourself for taking care of yourself!

If you think low contact is a good option for you, you are probably wondering where to start.  I’ll tell you how I did low contact with my parents, & you can decide if this would work for you or not.  I started by not answering the phone every time my parents narcissist called.  That boundary was clearly a shock to them, but although they were angry, they realized they couldn’t rage without appearing foolish.  Rather than rage, they made some snide comments like, “You didn’t answer the phone yesterday.. I thought you were mad at me.”  Naturally those comments hurt at first but I realized that was the intent behind them.  My parents were simply upset that I was setting a perfectly reasonable boundary.

I also started setting limits on how long we were on the phone together for the first time.  My parents always determined how long our calls lasted, so this was a little trickier.  Saying, “I have to go” didn’t work so I needed to get creative.  I also don’t like to lie, so that also made this really tricky.  I sometimes rang my doorbell so my dogs would bark & say, “Doorbell rang.  Dixie’s barking, you hear that?  I need to go.”  Other times I used another phone to trigger the call waiting on the phone I was using so they’d hear the beep & they’d let me go so I could respond to the beep. 

My parents lived not far from me, & my father in particular wanted to visit often.  He often invited himself to visit my home.  Thankfully he would call a few days prior at least rather than just showing up.  When he called saying he wanted to visit soon, I would say things like, “Tuesday isn’t good.. how about Thursday instead?”  It didn’t take long for him to want to come by less often.  Clearly, he didn’t like me taking some control back.

The more boundaries I set, the more confident I became in my ability to set boundaries & eventually go no contact.  This is normal!  Each small step you take creates not only more space between you & the narcissist, but also builds your confidence.  You see you can do one thing, then gain the confidence to do something a little bolder, then a little bolder yet & so forth.  Before you know it, you’re ready to implement no contact, if that is your goal. 

And something else happened – the more boundaries I set & the more comfortable I was setting them, the less my parents wanted to do with me!  They began avoiding me.  Their phone calls & visits became much less frequent.  Also, their calls & visits became much shorter in duration, too.  This also is normal!  Narcissists naturally have an aversion to boundaries & to healthy people.  Low contact truly is a wonderful thing!  It helps victims reclaim some of their power & confidence while repelling narcissists.  I want to encourage you to give it a try!  I believe you will be very pleased by the results!

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When People Don’t Agree With Removing Family From Your Life

It’s a simple fact of life that some family members abuse other family members.  Every single person I have spoken with who reads my work has been abused by at least one relative.  I have been too.  And one thing the majority of us have in common is that we have severed ties with these monsters to protect ourselves.

So many people have experienced the same thing I have, people coming out of the woodwork to tell us we have done something terrible by severing ties.  They seem to think since you’re related, that relationship is somehow sacred, & there is never any reason to end it.  Many people even bring God into their warped views, saying you have to “forgive & forget” or “honor your parent” by tolerating whatever they do to you.

I want you to know today that is completely wrong!

Titus 3:10 says, “As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him,” (ESV)  And, 2 Timothy 3:1-5 says,“3 But understand this, that in the last days dangerous times [of great stress and trouble] will come [difficult days that will be hard to bear]. 2 For people will be lovers of self [narcissistic, self-focused], lovers of money [impelled by greed], boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane, 3 [and they will be] unloving [devoid of natural human affection, calloused and inhumane], irreconcilable, malicious gossips, devoid of self-control [intemperate, immoral], brutal, haters of good, 4 traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of [sensual] pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 holding to a form of [outward] godliness (religion), although they have denied its power [for their conduct nullifies their claim of faith]. Avoid such people and keep far away from them.” (AMP) (Emphasis added)

Did you notice something in there about how this applies to anyone but family?  Me neither.  Probably because it’s not there!

So many of you reading this post today have ended relationships with your abusive family members, & are struggling with guilt & doubt.  I totally understand.  I’ve been in this same position.  After I stopped speaking to my parents, I had a LOT of both guilt & doubt.  Shortly after, I learned my father had leukemia, which added even more guilt & doubt.  I also had relatives constantly telling me how awful I was & doing their best to shame & even bully me into resuming the relationship with my parents.  The only reason I survived all of that with my sanity in tact is God.

When times got tough & people were being so cruel to me about being no contact, I depended on God to help me get through.  Help me He did too!  God would remind me that I did what was right, at the time it was right, & I did nothing wrong.  They didn’t see that because of their own issues, not because I had done something bad.  He even stopped me from making things worse by enabling me not to respond to their vicious attacks.  He kept reminding me that if I responded, things would get worse, so ignore them.  Save their emails, messages, etc. in case I need them one day, but don’t read them or respond to them. 

Everything God did for me during the flying monkey attacks was exactly what I needed in my situation.  He will do the same for you!  

If you have come to the point of having no contact with some of your family, please rest assured God understands!  Contrary to what some people think, He is ok with you removing toxic, abusive people from your life, even if they are family.  When you’re struggling with your decision, talk to Him & ask His help.  He won’t let you down!  Let Him help!  He can get you through anything, even this!

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Are Narcissists Ever Sorry?

Many people wonder if a narcissist is capable of being genuinely sorry.  They certainly don’t act sorry or show signs of remorse like changing their behavior, but does that mean they truly aren’t sorry?

Yes & no.

Narcissists lack empathy, which means they won’t feel sorry as a normal, functional person will.  They won’t be sorry for causing pain & suffering.  They won’t feel sorry for disappointing someone who loves them.  They certainly won’t feel sorry for the fact that their abusive ways have come close to destroying other human beings.  In fact, not only will they not be sorry for what they have done, but usually they will blame someone or something else for their behavior, for “making” them do whatever it is they have done.

Narcissists are also incredibly self centered.  All that matters to any narcissist is that narcissist.  No one else’s wants or needs matter to a narcissist, so why feel sorry for failing to meet another person’s wants or needs?  Clearly they aren’t important, so there is certainly no reason to feel sorry.

This doesn’t mean narcissists don’t feel sorry sometimes, however.  They just don’t feel sorry for the things that the average person feels sorry for.

Sometimes, narcissists are sorry for things they have done.  Those things are usually especially egregious.  While the fact they have done something horrible should make a narcissist feel sorry for their actions, that isn’t why they are sorry.  They are sorry for what they did because if anyone finds out about it, that person may think poorly of the narcissist.  To eliminate that possibility, they often do things like scare a victim into not telling anyone with threats of violence or revealing the victim’s secrets.  They also will reinvent the situation in an attempt to gaslight a victim into believing their version of the situation rather than his or her own memories.

Narcissists are sorry when their victim figures out what they are up to.  This means they are losing control of their victim.  Of course they are sorry for this!  It wasn’t in their plans & now they must come up with some solution to this problem!  It’s so inconvenient!

Narcissists are sorry when confronted about their abusive behavior.  Narcissists seem to believe no one ever could catch on to what they are doing, let alone would have the unmitigated gall to confront them about it.  When it happens, they are shocked & horrified.  They are also sorry.  Not because they have hurt someone of course, but they are sorry they were caught.  Being caught makes the narcissist look less than perfect, which is something that no narcissist can handle.

Narcissists are very sorry when their victims end the relationship with them.  It seems to me that every single narcissist fails to realize that every person has a breaking point.  They expect their victims to tolerate the horrific abuse indefinitely & even with a smile.  It never seems to cross a narcissist’s mind that there is a very good possibility that their victim will get fed up with the abuse & abandon them at some point.  When it happens, narcissists are always shocked & very sorry.  They aren’t sorry for pushing their victim to this point, of course.  Instead, they are sorry they have no one left to abuse.  They’re sorry they have to seek out another victim & train that person to be a victim.  That’s a lot of work!  They’re also sorry they’re left alone, because narcissists cannot handle solitude & the possibility of seeing who they truly are.  They’re especially sorry that they have lost their precious narcissistic supply.

To sum it up, yes, narcissists do feel sorry sometimes.. just sadly, not in the same capacity a healthy person feels sorry.

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Truths About Forgiveness

Many people talk about forgiveness as if it means you resume a relationship as if nothing happened.  You also no longer feel any anger or hurt.  It’s as if a magic wand has wiped away all evidence that the painful event happened!  And, if this isn’t the case in your situation, clearly something is very wrong with you.

Unfortunately nothing could be further from the truth!  Believing these lies has done a lot of emotional damage to victims of narcissistic abuse.  I want to share the truth about forgiveness in this post.

Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily equal reconciliation.  Some relationships have run their course & need to end for various reasons.  One example is when one person in the relationship is abusive & shows no interest in changing their ways.  Staying in a relationship with someone who abuses you simply makes no sense!  Even if the abuser is a spouse or family member, it’s best to leave the abuser behind.

Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that a relationship needs to continue exactly as it was.  When someone does something very bad to someone else, that bad behavior needs to stop.  Continuing the abusive behavior over & over is terrible for the victim & also the abuser.  The abuser learns that their behavior is perfectly acceptable.  Clearly this is NOT good for either party!

Forgiving someone is much like forgiving a debt.  If you lend someone money & they can’t pay you back, you can “forgive” their debt.  In other words, you don’t expect them to repay you & you don’t mention that they owe you.  That debt is a done deal.  When someone wrongs you, you can do something similar by not expecting them to try to make it up to you for what they have done.  Doing this really lifts a great deal of weight & stress from you!

Forgiveness also doesn’t necessarily mean that you never feel anger or hurt about the incident again.  If you forgive someone as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, that does open the door to your anger & hurt diminishing or even disappearing in time.  Some abusive actions are so egregious though, that there may always be a degree of hurt or anger attached to the memory.  That doesn’t mean that you haven’t forgiven the person who hurt you.  It means that the action was really terrible.  Remember me sharing the story of when my mother threw me into a wall when I was 19?  I honestly have forgiven her for that.  Remembering the incident, however, still makes me cringe.  Sometimes it even makes my back hurt in the location she injured it.  That doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven her, am holding onto bitterness or am not a good Christian.  It means that was a really bad action!

When it comes to the business of forgiving, I do my best immediately to decided to forgive.  Most likely there is nothing the person can do anyway to completely make it up to me for what they have done, so I mentally release them from that “debt” of sorts.

I also have found praying to be VERY helpful.  I ask God to help me forgive naturally, but also tell Him how I feel.  I say it was wrong of them to do or say whatever they did.  I cry or rant to get my feelings out & that helps so much.  He is never surprised or offended either.  He lets me say whatever I need to.

Journaling is also helpful.  I’ve learned that writing things down helps bring clarity to situations that speaking about them doesn’t.  There is something so helpful about seeing things in writing!

If you don’t journal, you still can get the benefits of writing.  Write letters you never send to the person who has hurt or abused you.  Let it all out in them, too.  Once you’re done, you can save the letter somewhere well hidden or you can dispose of it.  I used to burn mine.  It was like the anger & hurt went up in flames with the paper.  Strange, I know, but still very helpful.

You don’t have to live up to the impossibly high standards some folks have of forgiveness.  It’s unrealistic & unhealthy!  Remember these truths about forgiveness.. I believe they will help you!

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Encouragement For People Still In A Relationship With A Narcissist

January 12, 2018, I had an odd experience. It was my father’s birthday, the first birthday after his death. I was thinking about that when I felt strongly that he wanted God to send me a message.. “Encourage the weak, like me.”  I immediately knew in my heart what that meant.

At that point, it was just over 2 months since my father died, & in that short time, God showed me a great deal about him, including why he didn’t protect me from my mother. One of those things was that he felt trapped in their marriage, unable to escape. I believe that was what he meant by “the weak”, other people who also feel trapped in their situation.

Every January around his birthday, I try to encourage those who are still in relationships with narcissists as a result of that message.

If you’re still in a relationship with the narcissist in your life, I don’t think you’re weak at all.  I think my father used that word because he felt weak for not protecting me & wanted me to know others in similar situations also felt weak.  I get that, but I still don’t think you’re weak.  If you were, I doubt highly that you would have any interest in reading this post or anything else about narcissism.

Maybe you’re forced to stay because of financial reasons.  Narcissists abuse in every way, including financially.  Many narcissistic parents & partners steal money from their victim, ruin their credit, get them fired from their jobs or even forbid them to work. 

Many victims feel a sense of obligation to the narcissist.  My ex husband made me feel as if I owed it to him to be with him, even when I was miserable with him.  He hardly the only one who has done that to a victim.

Many stay because they mistakenly feel as Christians, it’s dishonoring their parents to go no contact or it’s a sin to divorce an abusive partner.  Sadly, many victims are encouraged to think this way either by narcissists & their flying monkeys or by those who don’t understand the Bible very well. 

Another possibility is that you can leave, but feel so beaten down, you don’t think you can leave.  You don’t trust in yourself to make it on your own without the narcissist telling you what to do, how to think, how to feel, what to wear, & on & on.  You don’t think you have any marketable skills to earn a living that could support you & maybe also children. 

Staying in a relationship with a narcissist takes a great deal of inner strength.  Fighting to keep your sanity in a completely insane situation day after day isn’t easy!  It takes a TON of courage & strength.

In spite of what many people say, no contact isn’t an easy solution that fixes all of your problems.  If that is your goal, know being prepared for it won’t happen overnight.  It takes time to build up the courage to do it, & courage to face the aftermath.  The narcissist most likely will create a smear campaign against you & send the flying monkeys.  Mentally preparing for all of that takes time, learning all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & boundaries, a great deal of prayer & leaning on God to show you what do to, when to do it & how to do it. 

No, Dear Reader.. you aren’t weak.  You are strong.  The fact that you are looking for solutions to your situation shows you have strength.  Know that you will survive this with your sanity & dignity in tact.  Until you know what you need to do, always practice the Gray Rock method, keep & enforce healthy boundaries & focus on your healing.  You can get through this!!

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Experiencing Grief After Narcissistic Abuse

A common feeling many people experience after narcissistic abuse is grief.  It makes sense since there is a great deal to grieve!  If the narcissist in question was a parent, you grieve the loss of your childhood, the pain of having a parent who didn’t treat you right or love you, the years wasted trying to please your impossible to please parent, the parent you wish you had & more.  If the narcissist was a spouse, there is grief too, because that person married you not out of love, but out of wanting to use & abuse you.  There is also time wasted with this person that could have been spent in much better ways.  You also may grieve the loss of the person you thought the narcissist was at first.   If you passed up a good person to marry the narcissist, there is regret & grief over losing that good person.  If you had children together, no doubt there is also a great deal of guilt over giving your children this terrible person as a parent. 

Whatever your situation, if you’re grieving after escaping narcissistic abuse, please know you are normal!  It’s awful to experience but it’s also very normal.  Grief isn’t only something to be experienced after someone dies.  It comes after all kinds of losses.

You need to experience & process your grief after narcissistic abuse just as you would after losing someone you love.  It is healing to cry & be angry about the unfairness of it all.  Ignoring it, pretending it isn’t happening or even shaming yourself as if something is wrong with you for feeling this way isn’t healthy at all!

Rather than do those unhealthy things, why not try accepting your feelings without judgment?  They’re not abnormal, they’re not wrong & you aren’t crazy for feeling the way you do.  Stop criticizing them.  Accept them for what they are- your feelings that are completely valid.

As you accept them, sit with them for a while.  Cry or yell if you need to.  I know this can be difficult for those of us shamed for having feelings by our narcissistic parent, so if those are too much, then try writing things out.  If you don’t have a journal, it may be an excellent time to start one.  If you want to be certain no one ever reads it, there are online journals that are private & password protected.  I use Penzu’s free version, but there are plenty of others as well if it doesn’t meet your needs.

I’ve also found writing letters to the narcissist very helpful.  I wrote out everything I thought & felt about what they did, not censoring myself.  The especially important part of this is I never sent the letters.  I wrote them to purge myself of the awful things I felt because of the actions of a narcissist, not to tell the narcissist how they made me feel or to try to make them see the errors of their ways.  Doing such things is a complete waste of time & energy with a narcissist.  In fact, if you do them, chances are you’ll only feel worse after instead of better because the narcissist will try to convince you that you’re oversensitive, overreacting or even crazy.  Instead, I’ve found ripping the letters up & throwing them away or burning them to be very helpful.

If you have a safe friend, relative or even counselor, talking about your grief or praying with them can be very helpful as well. 

You also need to be aware that grief doesn’t have time limits.  You can’t expect to get over the trauma in a set time.  In fact, a part of you most likely always will grieve to some degree, just like when someone you love dies.  It does get easier in time though.  You also learn to rebuild yourself & adapt to your new life without suffering narcissistic abuse. Whatever you choose to do to cope isn’t important.  What matters is that you deal with your grief & accept it as a natural part of the healing process.

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When People Choose To Spend A Holiday With Your Abuser

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Christmas Sale On My Print Books!

All of my print books are 10% off until December 11, 2020 with code FESTIVE10 at checkout.

Find my books at the following link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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Ghosting, aka The INFJ Door Slam

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About Ending A Relationship With A Narcissist

In spite of how it may seem, in spite of the many similarities most narcissists share, when it comes to ending a relationship with a narcissist, each situation is unique.

This is what makes the common advice, “Just go no contact” very bad advice, in my opinion.  While it’s true that ending the relationship is often the only solution for a victim, that process shouldn’t be done so glibly, with no real thought put into it.

Ending any relationship creates a narcissistic injury in a person. In other words, it’s a blow to the self esteem when someone tells you they don’t want you in their life any longer.  While functional people are hurt & angry, they get through.  Narcissists, however, aren’t like functional people.  They rage.  They often spread vicious lies about their victim in a smear campaign designed to do the most possible damage to their reputation.  They also are known for harassing their victims so badly, they sometimes wear the victim down to the point of returning to the relationship.  Anything to make the constant influx of phone calls, texts, emails, etc. stop.  Other narcissists have no problem stalking their victim or even physically hurting or killing them.

These reasons are why although no contact is usually the best solution when it comes to a realtionship with a narcissist, how you get to that point must be done with great wisdom & planning.

As always, I recommend prayer as the best place to start.  God can help you like no one can simply because He knows things no other human knows.

From what I have seen, in these situations, God gives one of three answers:

  1. “End it now.  Just walk away.”
  2. “Not yet… I will tell you when & how.”
  3. “Don’t end it.”

“End it now” is the easiest.  You simply block the narcissist’s access to you at every turn.  Usually, they walk away & find a new victim, not caring they lost you.  This solution usually is best for narcissists who are lower on the spectrum or who have a lot of people in their life.

“Not yet” is what happened with my parents.  That was tough because I really wanted the relationship over, yet also knew I had to wait on God’s timing.  I also wasn’t sure how to end it, but He showed me.  Although waiting in these situations is really hard, it also is well worth it.  If you follow God’s lead, you will have peace not only about ending the relationship but how you choose to end it.  That peace is so important!  And, by following God’s lead, you will receive the minimal amount of abuse from the narcissist once you end that relationship.

“Don’t end it” may be the most challenging answer of all but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid answer.  I’ve known a few people who received this answer.  Rather than ending the relationship with the narcissist in their life, they made themselves as unappealing as possible to that narcissist & eventually that person ended the relationship with them.  This seems to be a good option for the most toxic of narcissists.  If a person can become so unappealing to their narcissist that the narcissist rejects them instead, they stand very little chance of retaliation from that narcissist.  The narcissist feels they have the power because they ended the relationship rather than the victim did.  In cases of malignant narcissists, this is a very good option because it will help a victim avoid the potential fallout of an especially vicious & even dangerous narcissistic rage.

Whatever you do when it comes to ending the relationship with the narcissist in your life, please be careful, be wise & most of all, follow God’s promptings.  You will get through this time with your safety & sanity in tact if you do those things.

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What You Can Expect After No Contact, part 1

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Narcissists Obsess Over Victims

One way narcissists lure victims into a relationship is by paying way too much attention to their victims.

Narcissistic friends & romantic partners alike commonly smother their new found interest (aka victim) with positive attention.  They cling very quickly to someone they just met.  They claim the new interest is their soul mate or they felt some sort of special connection the moment they met.  They shower this person with praise & often gifts as well.  They want to spend every possible moment together.

I have experienced this with friends as well as my ex husband.  I’ve met several people online who within a day or two of meeting me decided we needed to talk constantly.  Probably the first one was the worst.  I didn’t know about narcissism at the time & was flattered she thought so highly of me.  We used to speak on the phone often as well as via email.  When I didn’t respond to her call or email, she would get mad.  She’d claim she was just kidding when she said things like how dare I not call her back sooner than I did or “joke” about me being so busy when she clearly thought I never had anything to do.

I was young & naive, living with narcissistic parents when I met my ex husband.  He constantly told me how pretty, smart, etc. I was, how he waited all his life for someone like me & expected me to spend all of my free time with him.

Anyone can be extremely flattered when someone treats them this way, but the average functional person realizes quickly this behavior isn’t normal.  Those of us who grew up with narcissistic parents however are different.

Growing up with narcissistic parents means you have no concept of healthy boundaries.  Even if this person’s attention is overwhelming, you don’t feel you have the right to refuse it.  After all, the person is saying & doing what seems like the right things.  How can you refuse that?!

Also children of narcissistic parents are neglected.  Having someone pay positive attention feels good, & it’s about impossible to resist.

And, narcissistic parents don’t praise their children.  These children grow up starving for praise.  When someone comes along, showering them with praise, they can’t resist it.

If you grew up with narcissistic parents, you need to be aware of people like this who obsess over you.  They’re predators looking for a victim.

Sometimes people meet & they just “click” immediately.  My husband & I were that way.  The same with my best friend & I.  There was no obsessing though.  We talked often & were free with complements, but no one was offended if the other didn’t answer their phone call or call back immediately.  There was no talk of “soulmates” or anything similar in the very beginning or pressure to spend every waking moment together.

I’ve learned that children of narcissists need to be aware of people like this much more than the average person because of the natural weaknesses that come from being raised by narcissists.  I strongly recommend asking God for discernment with people to help you to figure out who is safe & who is not.

Listen to your gut feelings, too.  If something doesn’t feel right about someone, that feeling is there for a reason.

Pay attention to people’s actions, not only their words.  A person can say anything they want, whether it’s true or not.  A person’s actions tell you what is truly in their heart.

If you have doubts, talk to a safe, wise friend about your thoughts.  Sometimes an outsider can be very helpful in providing an objective opinion.

Remember, not everyone who pays attention to you truly cares about you.  They can be looking for your weaknesses & fears to exploit them & manipulate you.

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Some About Last Straw Moments With Narcissists

One thing most people who haven’t experienced abuse at the hands of a narcissist fail to grasp is last straw moments.  In fact, they can be odd enough that even those of us who have experienced narcissistic relationships don’t always understand them.

Last straw moments are those things that a narcissist does that seals their fate with their victim.  The things may not be the worst thing they ever have done.  In fact, they may not be all that bad, especially in comparison to other things the narcissist has done.  They simply are something that makes a victim say “enough is enough!”

With my ex husband, it happened on our fourth wedding anniversary.  I’d told him I wanted a divorce probably a month prior.  He said I owed it to him to give him one last chance.  Being naive, I agreed to it.  Aside from moving out of his parents’ home, nothing changed.  On our anniversary, we watched television.  He suddenly said, “So you still want that divorce?”

With my mother, it happened when we had a huge argument in 2016 about me not telling my parents that my husband’s mother died.  They knew I didn’t speak to her or her two daughters.  I also was more concerned about my husband than my parents, especially since they spoke with my in-laws maybe four times in the 22 years we had been together at that time.  I naively thought they wouldn’t care about her passing other than concern for my husband.  I felt betrayed that my mother cared more about potentially upsetting my in-laws by not being there than me feeling her attendance would’ve shown she cared more for them than me.  When I told her how I felt, she acted like I was the one in the wrong, & was angry with me.  I couldn’t deal with her again.

Several months later, I went no contact with my father.  One day, my husband & I were having our back door replaced when suddenly my father showed up.  My husband told my father to leave, & after some harsh words, he did.  Twice the following week, he sent the police to do a wellness check, claiming my husband abused me & kept me from him.  My father sinking so low made me realize I’d never break no contact with him.

In all three scenarios, nothing they did was especially bad compared to their other actions.  Yet somehow, it also woke me up to how badly I needed to get away from such toxicity.

Chances are excellent that you will experience something similar in your relationship with the narcissist in your life.  When this happens, please learn from my experiences.

Don’t beat yourself up.  So what this wasn’t the worst thing they have done?  They have done plenty.  It’s normal that anything, even something sort of small, can push you over the edge, because your patience are worn out.

Don’t think you’re petty because what they did wasn’t as bad as other things.  Like I just said, it’s normal that anything, even something sort of small, can be too much after someone continually does terrible things to you.

Don’t compare your situation to anyone else’s.  Everyone is unique.  Just because your last straw moment was different than someone else’s doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.

Remember that you are unique as is the narcissist in your life.  There are no one size fits all solutions.  You need to handle the situation from here the best you can.  If others think you’re wrong, so be it.  If no one you know has handled a similar situation as you feel you need to, that isn’t important.  Do what you know in your heart is right in your situation, & don’t let anyone else change your mind.

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Regaining Your Inner Strength

In a previous post, I mentioned that I found some notes my father wrote concerning the abuse my mother inflicted on me.  He had put them in the Bible he wanted me to place in his casket upon his death.

Since reading those notes, I hadn’t thought too much about them.  It hurt too much & made me angry.  Basically, from what I gathered from his notes, knowing him & what God spoke to me about the situation, it boiled down to my father let my mother abuse me because he felt unable to protect me.  He didn’t have the inner strength to protect me, let alone himself.  While it’s true he also got a degree of narcissistic supply from the situation, in this post, I want to focus on the lack of inner strength only.

Narcissistic abuse can sap a person of so much, including their inner strength.  You can feel as if there is no point in trying anything, because anything you do is wrong, according to the narcissist.  They also tell victims things like no one else will ever care about them like the narcissist does, you can’t trust anyone else, & you’re lucky the narcissist loves you because no one else would.  These statements can destroy any sense of hope in a victim.  Without hope, there seems to be no point in trying to escape the abuse or even protect yourself from it.  If you have children with the narcissist in your life, it also seems hopeless to protect them.

As difficult as it is, please try to regain your inner strength!!  No one deserves to be treated the way a narcissist treats their victim, & that includes you.  I’m sure the narcissist told you that you deserve whatever they do to you, or that you make them act the way they do, but that is not true!  It’s a lie to justify their abuse.

If you continue to tolerate this abuse, there is also the chance it could make you suicidal.  Many victims have experienced that, including me.  That is a terrible place to be, & one where you don’t deserve to be.  You deserve to be happy & living a life free of abuse, not one where you’re planning your own death.  I know it can look like the only escape you have, but that isn’t true!  There are ways out, & you can find them!

If you have children, think about them.  One of your jobs as the parent to protect them, & that includes protecting them from any abusive person, even if that abuser is their other parent.

If you think you should stay with your narcissistic partner “for the sake of the children”, think about what kind of example you’re setting for them by doing so.  You’re showing them that they should tolerate abuse, & that people can treat them any old way they want to.  They also see your partner abusing you, which sends them the message it’s ok to abuse you.  This can lead to children who become angry at their parent for failing to protect them & treat the parent badly, even abusively.

If the narcissist in question is your children’s grandparent, I want you to think about something.  Do you remember how your parent made you feel when you were your child’s age?  Your parent is inflicting that same pain on your child.  Do you really want your child to feel as miserable & hopeless as you did?

To help you regain your inner strength, think about things that inspire you to be strong.  Sometimes a song makes me feel strong, other times it’s Scriptures in the Bible.  Even internet memes can be surprisingly inspiring sometimes.  I also read previous entries in my journal to remind me of things I’ve overcome since that helps strengthen me.

Most of all, I have found a close relationship with God to be the best thing to increase my inner strength.  I ask Him to give me strength & to help me as I need it.  Before my parents died, I asked those things often when I had to deal with them & God never failed to give me just what I needed at the time.  He will do the same for you.  Let Him help you, & do what you need to as well.  Before you know it, you’ll have your inner strength back.

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Signs You’ve Moved On After Your Narcissistic Ex

Ending a romantic relationship with a narcissist is tough.  Months or years of the constant gaslighting & abuse destroy a person’s self esteem while somehow leaving victims to feel as if they should appreciate the narcissist settling for loving them.  By the time a person ends such a relationship, their thinking is damaged, but they do realize that the narcissist was abusive.  At the same time, there is often a lot of guilt & doubt involved for ending the relationship.  I experienced it myself for quite some time after divorcing my ex husband.

After the relationship has ended though, you will feel so much better.  Time & distance from a narcissist give a person clarity & make room for healing to take place.  You may be wondering what signs you can look for that you have moved on from your narcissistic ex, & this post will explain some of them.

If your narcissistic ex tries to contact you, you have no desire to respond.  Narcissists are known for attempting to “hoover” their victims, in other words, lure them back into the dysfunctional relationship.  If you cringe when you see your ex’s phone number or email address rather than get excited, this is a big sign you have moved on.  And, if your ex reaches out to you constantly to the point of harassment, be sure you document everything.  Harassment & stalking laws are changing, & you may need that documentation if you have to get the law involved.

Having no desire to know what is happening in your ex’s life is another sign you’ve moved on.  It can be common when a couple first breaks up for at least one person in the relationship to want to know what the other is up to.  They may discreetly check out their social media or ask mutual friends about them.  Losing the desire to do these things shows you’re over that ex.

Another sign of moving on is when you no longer compare yourself to anyone that person is dating or has dated.  Narcissists love to compare their victims to others they deem more attractive, smarter, etc.  Being romantically involved with someone who does this, it can make you feel as if you have to not only measure up to their other romantic partners, but be much better than them.  Losing that baggage is incredibly freeing!

Their opinion of you means nothing to you anymore.  While it’s normal to some degree to want an ex to think you’re doing well without them, it can be easy to fall into the trap of wanting your narcissistic ex to think you’re doing a thousand times better without them.  When you stop thinking that way & couldn’t care less what he or she thinks of you, you have moved on.

Severing ties with toxic people is another sign you’ve moved on from a narcissistic ex.  After dealing with someone so toxic in such a close relationship, it’s easy to become tolerant of toxic people.  Deleting them from your life is a very healthy move in any case, but if it’s done after breaking up with a narcissist, it’s also a sign that you have moved on.

Gaining self confidence is another sign of moving on.  Narcissists do their best to obliterate their victim’s self esteem.  They even destroy their victims’ ability to trust their instincts, feelings & perceptions through gaslighting.  Learning to trust such things takes time, & is a big sign you have moved on.

When you end a relationship with a narcissist, you may feel like you’ll never get better, but you absolutely will!  Be patient with yourself & don’t try to rush your healing.  As time passes, you’ll notices these things happening, & they can reassure you that you are going to be just fine.

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Myths About Abusive People

Many people believe utter nonsense when it comes to abusive people.  This post is about dispelling those myths.

“He/she is a good person.  There’s no way he/she could be abusive towards anyone!”  Definite myth.  Abusive people can be active in their church, work with the homeless, donate a lot of money to charity & even foster children in dire straights.  Narcissists are extremely concerned about looking good, & such actions make a person look good.  They will do whatever they can to look good.  It doesn’t mean they are good people.

“I’ve never seen this person abuse anyone.  They can’t be abusive!”  Abusers hide their actions from all but their victim.  Abusers can appear kind, caring, charming… it doesn’t mean that they aren’t trying to destroy their victim behind closed doors.  Again, they are concerned about looking good, so naturally they will hide their abusive ways from everyone but their victim.

“That person has always been nice to me!”  Of course he or she has always been nice to you!  Abusers don’t abuse every single person they come into contact with.  They are selective when choosing their victims.  Those they choose not to abuse, they are nice to so they don’t think the abuser could be abusive, & the victim’s claims of abuse won’t be believed.

“But he/she is a pastor, doctor, teacher, police officer, etc!”  Helping professions such as those are very appealing to narcissists because they attract admiration from the general public.  Being a pastor, doctor, teacher, etc. doesn’t make someone immune to being abusive.  Many people in those professions are good, caring people, but not all are.

“All parents love their children.  Parents don’t abuse their children.”  Just because someone is biologically able to become a parent doesn’t mean they automatically are good, loving parents.  Some people are incapable of loving anyone in a healthy way, & that includes their own children.

“Your mother/father always brags about you.  He/she must love you!”  Another fallacy.   Narcissists want people to envy them as much as they envy others.  Bragging about their super talented, attractive, etc. children can garnish envy from others.  It doesn’t mean the parent actually believes their children are as wonderful as they make them sound.

“But he/she said he/she was a Christian!  That means this person can’t be abusive.”  People can say anything they like.  I could tell you right now that I’m of Korean heritage.  I may even participate in Korean customs, but one look at me shows my lineage is primarily German & Irish.  I can claim what I like, but the truth is easy to see.  The same goes for so called “Christian abusers.”  They may claim to be good Christians.  They may be active in their church & know the Christian lingo.  Their abusive actions however prove they are nothing like what they claim to be.  And, many abusers hide in the guise of being religious.  People assume someone who claims to be religious or is active in their church is a good person, so that person is usually not watched carefully for signs of being abusive.

“He/she says you’re lying.”  No abuser is going to admit their horrible behavior unless they absolutely have to, & then, they’ll offer up excuses.

“It wasn’t abuse.  You two just weren’t a good match.”  There is a big difference between a poorly matched couple & an abusive relationship.  Poorly matched couples realize that fact & go on their way.  One person doesn’t abuse another because of being poorly matched.

If someone tells you that they are being abused, do NOT fall for these myths!  Look at the situation objectively rather than assuming the person they claim is abusive is too good to be an abuser.  Or, if someone has told you these things regarding your abuser, feel free to show them this post if you think it will help.  xoxo

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When The Narcissist Learns You’re Telling Others About The Abuse

When you first start to open up about the abusive behavior the narcissist in your life has inflicted on you, it can be very hard.  You were told to keep everything a secret.  My mother used to tell me, “Don’t air our dirty laundry!” as a way to keep me quiet.  It didn’t work though.  At that time I was only 17, living through sheer hell due to her abuse & didn’t know what to do.  I told others in the hopes of finding someone who could give me advice on how to cope or make my mother treat me better.  Obviously that didn’t work.  I did learn about what happens when a victim starts to open up about narcissistic abuse though.

When you begin to divulge what the narcissist has done to you, the narcissist will be horrified.  After all, you’re not supposed to tell anyone anything!  The abuse is supposed to remain a secret between the two of you, no one else.  Naturally, the narcissist is going to be angry with you, because that is what they think.  They don’t think about the fact that you are a human being with feelings & needs & even the right to discuss your own life with whoever you wish.

The narcissist also is going to be very angry at you for making him or her look bad when you talk about the abuse.  Narcissists clearly don’t think like normal people, so they won’t consider their actions are what make them look bad.  Instead, they’ll lump all the blame on you for making them look bad.

Narcissists feel betrayed when victims tell others about their abhorrent behavior.  They all seem to think victims will tolerate their abuse indefinitely, never protesting it, & are shocked & horrified when that isn’t the case.  This so called betrayal can trigger their rage.

It also can trigger a myriad of unhealthy coping skills.  One of which is reinventing the past.  Many narcissists convince themselves that they are awesome people, & never would abuse anyone.  After my mother’s death, I learned she knew what I write about in spite of my efforts to prevent that from happening.  I also learned she must have convinced herself that I was lying & she didn’t do anything I said she did.

When the narcissist becomes enraged & acts in this way, it can be scary.  Some scream.  Some harass or stalk.  All engage in a smear campaign & are often successful at turning those you love against you or at least damaging some of your relationships.  This is a terribly painful place to be, I know.  It may even make you think you’re wrong for opening up.  Life seemed easier when no one knew what the narcissist did to you.  I can tell you something though.. although it may seem easier, it isn’t.

In some ways, not discussing the abuse is easier because the narcissist is appeased.  When they’re appeased, they aren’t ruining your relationships or at least your reputation.  No one is telling you what a terrible person you are.  But, you are unhappy.  You’re trying to do everything perfectly so as not to upset the narcissist, which means you’re under intense stress & utterly miserable.  Everyone is happy except you, & the people who are happy clearly have no concern for your mental health.

Tell your story.  John 8:32 says the truth will set you free.  Let it!  The more you discuss the abuse, the more you’ll heal.  If the narcissist doesn’t approve, that isn’t your problem.  Besides, think about this: if what he or she did was truly ok, if it was all your fault & their abusive actions were totally justified, why are they so determined to keep it a secret?

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When Dysfunctional Family Members Side With Your Abuser

Living through narcissistic abuse is a horrific experience that no one should have to endure.  As if that isn’t bad enough, many victims open up to their family about their experiences & are met with unbelief, blame, shaming comments, denial & more.  Their family members say that they should forgive & forget, get over it, & other invalidating comments.  It’s so shocking when you expect support & love & are met with these terrible reactions.  As if this wasn’t enough, many families offer unconditional love & support to the abuser while shunning the victim.

The vast majority of my family never cared that my parents were abusive to me.  They ignored signs when I was a child.  As an adult, they told me things like I needed to get over my childhood hurts, I only get one set of parents & I needed to fix the relationship with my parents.  No doubt many of you can relate.

Victims often wonder why their family acts this way.  I have some ideas why.  By explaining the behavior, I am certainly NOT excusing it.  There is no valid reason to treat a victim this way.  I am simply trying to show victims that the people who say such comments are incredibly dysfunctional & should be ignored not believed.

Denial is the main reason families reject victims & support abusers.  Who wants to accept the fact that someone they love in their own family is capable of horrible acts?!  No one.  Many people do it anyway.  Many other people lack the courage to face that ugly truth.  Also, by denying the abuse, they can have a clear conscience when it comes to failing to help or protect the victim.  If the abuse didn’t happen, even only in their mind, then they did nothing wrong.  Lastly, many of these people care a great deal about the abuser.  Narcissists can be quite charming & likeable.  These people believe this act is the real person & become so enchanted with that false persona, they will reject anything that threatens it which includes someone claiming that person isn’t the perfect person they present themselves as.

Many of these abuse defenders have abuse in their own past.  For every victim of abuse who confronts their pain & works on healing, there are other victims who don’t have the courage to do the same.  They pretend they weren’t abused, pushing all memories as far away from them as they can so as to avoid their pain.  When you face your pain, those people are reminded of theirs, especially if the abuse had similarities.  Facing your pain makes them feel badly for not facing theirs as well as reminds them of their own pain.  Since they don’t want to be reminded of their own pain, they will do their best to shut you down quickly. 

Some abuse defenders are also abusive narcissists.  Abusers don’t want to admit any behavior is abusive.  It means admitting to themselves that they too are abusers, & what they are doing is wrong.  While narcissists lack the empathy to care about the pain & suffering they cause their victims, they do care about what others think of them.  To be known as an abuser tarnishes their reputation, which is something they wish to avoid at all costs.

Many abuse defenders benefit from befriending the narcissist.  Immediately after my mother died, I learned she sent one of my aunts money monthly.  I was stunned!  They never got along & my mother often had complained of my aunt’s lack of money management skills as well as her expectations of others to bail her out every time she got herself into trouble.  I can only assume her benefiting from my mother is why she was such a staunch defender of my parents.  There are many others in similar situations who like my aunt, refuse to chance losing their benefits from the narcissist & prefer to throw their victims under the bus.

When you are in such a situation, I hope you keep this information in mind.  When your family dismisses your valid claims of abuse, the problem definitely isn’t you.  It’s them!

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How To Tell If A Narcissist Will Change

I have heard so many people say that narcissists never change.  While this is often true, I disagree with it in some situations.

Narcissists absolutely can change, but only if they see the need.  After an argument, they are usually very nice to their victims to win their trust back, including promises of better behavior.  They also may stop their abuse, even mid-rage, if someone whose opinion they care about enters the room.  Obviously, they possess the ability to change.  The problem is they rarely want to change for long, because being abusive gets them what they want.

Narcissists also change as they age.  If a narcissist would terrify victims by screaming & hitting when he was 35, he can’t be intimidating like that anymore at 75.  This means that he will have to find new ways to abuse.  There are also some covert narcissists who become overt narcissists due to age or brain diseases like Alzheimer’s or dementia.

Also, I am a firm believer in Matthew 19:26 in which Jesus says, “With God, all things are possible.”  This tells me that a narcissist could change, & become a non-narcissist, with God’s help.  Likely?  Not really, because although all things are possible with God, people still have a free will, He won’t infringe upon that & narcissists are quite content with their behavior since it benefits them.

How can a person tell if a narcissist is sincere & genuinely changing for the better?  There are some signs you can look for.

Does the narcissist back up words with actions?  If someone promises, “That will never happen again!”, yet it does happen again, that tells you this person has no real desire to change.

Is the narcissist’s apology genuine?  Does he or she apologize as often as necessary?  A genuine apology is more than simply saying, “I’m sorry.”  A genuine apology includes the person accepting responsibility for what they did & putting effort into making things right.  It also should be said however often the victim needs to hear it.  It should NOT include excuses, blaming you or someone else, or the word “but” immediately after “I’m sorry.”  It also should NOT be passive/aggressive, such as, “I’m sorry for whatever you think I did,”  “I’m sorry if I did anything that upset you,” or,  “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Does the narcissist pressure you to take him or her back, or resume the relationship as it once was?  Anyone who truly has changed their abusive ways will understand that it takes time to earn a person’s trust back once it has been broken.  They will be willing to wait as long as it takes while doing whatever it takes to repair the damage to the relationship.

Is the narcissist mirroring you?  Does he or she suddenly agree with everything you say or has he or she developed a sudden interest in things that matter to you?  That is mirroring.  In other words, this person is trying to act like you so you will feel comfortable enough with him or her to resume the relationship.

If the narcissist is behaving in a way that shows you this person has changed, what happens when he or she slips into old habits?  No one is perfect.  It’s only natural to make mistakes when trying to change, no matter how much we may want to change.  How does he or she handle those times?  Does this person apologize immediately & change the behavior?  Or, does this person make excuses, blame you or show in some other way that he or she is accepting no responsibility for what he or she did?

Is the narcissist willing to discuss problems reasonably?  Typical narcissistic behavior when someone confronts them involve temper tantrums, guilt trips, denial &/or gaslighting.  Proof of change would be that he or she will listen to you without acting in such a way.

Dear Reader, I hope you consider these points if the narcissist in your life says they have changed.  They can be fantastic actors, capable of convincing people of pretty much anything they wish.

Also please remember that although with God all things are possible & narcissists can change for the better, it is highly unlikely.  Pray for it.  Hope for it.  At the same time, never forget that it isn’t terribly probable.  Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, as the saying goes.

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Handling A Smear Campaign

Most people have heard of the notorious narcissistic smear campaign.  This happens when a victim ends a relationship with a narcissist.  Narcissists can’t handle rejection, so to extract revenge on the one who rejected them, they tell anyone who will listen the most terrible lies they can conjure up about the victim.  Sadly, many people believe the lies, & victims often end up losing relationships with people they love.  In many cases even some of their close friends & family believe the narcissist’s lies.  This is why smear campaigns can be one of the most painful things a narcissist can do to a victim.

When a smear campaign happens, many victims try to explain their side of the situation.  It’s only normal to want to be believed, after all, & prove that they are nothing like the narcissist says they are.  Sadly though, people who wish to explain themselves are often met with disbelief.  Worse yet, when they become upset about not being believed, people take their righteous anger as proof that the narcissist was right, & the victim really is crazy, irrational, or even abusive.  

Rather than frustrate yourself, there are some much better ways to handle this awful situation.

First, pray.  Ask God for whatever you need in the situation & in particular, His guidance in exactly how you should handle it.  This is the absolute best place to start in any situation, in my opinion, & especially in such a tricky one as dealing with a smear campaign.

Second, you need to shift your perspective a bit.  Someone who genuinely cares about you not only wouldn’t believe the narcissist’s lies, but would defend you.  Anyone who doesn’t do this & believes the narcissist’s lies clearly doesn’t really care about you.  Knowing that, why would you care what people like that think of you?

Third, it bears repeating – never defend yourself to anyone who believes the narcissist’s lies.  There is no point.  Some people prefer to believe lies to the truth, so defending yourself to them will only serve to convince them that you are as bad as the narcissist says you are.  I know it’s tempting to defend yourself, but truly, you will be better off not doing so!  Let these deluded people believe whatever they want.

Fourth, rather than worry about the lies being told about you, try to focus instead on living your life in such a way that no one with any sense would believe the lies.  Just let your good character shine through.  1 Peter 2:15 says, “For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people.” (ESV)  Doing this will prove that you are nothing like what the narcissist has said you are, & in fact, contrary to what the narcissist claims, you are a very good person.  Some people are die hard, excessively loyal to the narcissist, & they will refuse to believe anything but the lies.  The more rational, reasonable & functional people though will see the truth.  These are the people whose opinions you should value rather than those who blindly accept the narcissist’s lies as truth.

I know smear campaigns can be very difficult & painful to experience, but truly, you can & will get through it.  You will come out stronger & wiser from the experience too.  Your relationships most likely will be better as well.  The unhealthy ones will be weeded out by the narcissist’s lies, leaving you with the good ones.  Although smear campaigns are awful to go through, usually these good things & more end up coming from them.  Oddly, they really can be a blessing in disguise.

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What I Learned From No Contact

So many websites & authors make no contact sound like an easy decision & once you go no contact, all will be right in your world.  Nothing could be further from the truth!!  While no contact is often the best & even the only solution, that doesn’t mean it’s an easy one.

If you’re considering no contact with a narcissist in your life, in particular one in your family, you need to be aware of some things.  I am not writing these to make you change your mind about no contact, only to help you prepare for the potential aftermath.

  • No one has the right to abuse you, not even your family.
  • You are under no obligation whatsoever to tolerate abuse from anyone & yes, that includes family.
  • Cutting toxic people out of your life doesn’t make you a bad person.  It makes you someone who cares enough about yourself not to tolerate abuse.
  • Just because you severed contact with someone doesn’t mean you hate them.  You can love someone but still not be able to be in a relationship with them because they’re abusive.
  • No one can fully prepare for what may happen after no contact because all people are different.  When I went no contact with my mother, she ignored me & kept her distance.  When I went no contact with my father, he continually tried to force me to talk to him, including getting his family to try to force me to talk to him.  It’s hard to predict how the person on the receiving end of no contact will handle it.
  • You will be depressed for some time after going no contact.  No matter how sure you are that you did the right thing or how much you know you had no choice but to do this, ending a relationship especially one with a family member is TOUGH!  It hurts!
  • You’ll also feel very guilty for a while, even though there isn’t a valid reason to feel that way.  This is simply because that is how this person trained you.  Their feelings are more important than yours & how dare you put your feelings ahead of theirs, at least that is what they want you to believe.  Remember, this person is the reason the relationship fell apart.  Yes, you walked away but only after you were pushed into doing so to protect your mental health.  There is no reason to feel guilty about this!
  • You’re going to have doubts.  It’s only normal.  Remind yourself of how much thought & prayer went into your decision when this happens.  Also remember what led you to make this incredibly difficult decision.  Doing so helps a great deal.
  • Not everyone is going to understand.  Some people are going to judge you very harshly.  Those people can be incredibly hurtful & cruel.  No matter how convicted they are in their beliefs, it doesn’t mean they are right.  Don’t let them make you doubt your decision or tolerate their abusive words.
  • Of those who judge you, you will be surprised by who is doing it.  Some folks you were convinced were on your side will turn on you, & it is going to hurt badly!  You also may be surprised by acquaintances & even strangers who attack you for going no contact.  It’s shocking when someone you barely know or don’t even know at all thinks they have the right to tell you what they think you should do with your life.
  • Those who don’t understand also will try to guilt or shame you into reconnecting.  Don’t let that happen!!  Again, remind yourself of what led you to making this decision.  Also remind yourself that these people don’t know the whole story, so their input is useless to you.
  • Often, these people who attack you are going to be your own family.  Family is often the most abusive in these situations.  Mine certainly has been.  Various members have attacked me like they were starving lions & I was vulnerable prey.  Sadly this is pretty normal in narcissistic families.  Family members often delude themselves into thinking they’re a happy, normal, functional family.  They will do anything to protect their delusions, including attack someone who tells the truth.  If they can quiet the truth teller, then their delusions can remain in tact.  To them, attacking their own kin is worth it if it protects their delusions.
  • You may think if you just did something they wanted you to do or loved them enough, the abuse would have stopped.  That is not true!  A person changes because they want to.  To make an abuser want to change is nearly impossible.  They get what they want from being abusive & they lack empathy.  This means they see no reason at all to change.
  • You also may have days where you miss this person.  You may be tempted on those days to rekindle the relationship.  You may even want to apologize for going no contact.  DON’T DO IT!!  Once someone has gone no contact then later returns to the relationship, it gets much worse than it originally was.  It may start out good, but it won’t take long before the mask comes off again.  When that happens, the person underneath is even uglier than they were before.
  • You won’t be functioning in survivor mode anymore, so you may feel much different.  You may feel very vulnerable & over sensitive.  Little things can make you cry or make you angry that never bothered you before.  You may have more nightmares than usual.  You may experience changes in anxiety levels by either becoming more anxious in general or less anxious but when you do get anxious those times are harder than they used to be.
  • You may feel oddly lost, too, like you don’t know what to do with your life.  When in a relationship with a narcissist, they seem to take up all the room in the relationship, even down to including all the room in your brain.  Without them, what is there to think about?!  It can take some time to feel less lost after survival mode is over.
  • At some point, you are going to feel so much better!  You’ll experience freedom & enjoy that feeling immensely.  If the narcissist in your life was a relative, guilt will come attached to enjoying your new freedom, but in time it will get less & less, until it disappears.
  • You’ll also experience peace, possibly for the first time in your life!  No more unnecessary drama.  No more narcissistic rages.  The peace is glorious!!
  • You won’t feel on edge all the time, worried about what to say or do to appease the narcissist so he or she won’t rage at you.  You finally can relax & not focus all of your energy on this person.  It’ll feel like a giant weight is lifted off your shoulders.
  • You also will start to enjoy little things more than you used to.  When you’re life is totally focused on a narcissist, it’s hard to enjoy subtle things like a bird singing, a beautiful full moon or even a great song on the radio.  It can feel almost like you’re reborn, I think is the best way to describe it.

In time, you’ll learn that no contact was absolutely worth it.  In spite of all the pain, the tears, the doubts & the attacks from horrible people, it truly was worth it.  You will survive it, & be better & stronger for it!

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Preventing Narcissists From Wanting You Back

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About Narcissistic Friends

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One Way To Stump Narcissists

Over the course of my life, I have dealt with quite a few narcissists.  They taught me many ways to deal with this personality.

One way I learned to deal with narcissists pretty successfully is to stump them.  How do you stump such a highly illogical person whose thinking makes no sense?  With cold, hard logic.

Narcissists feed off of the emotions of their victims.  It gives them such a feeling of power to control another person’s emotions!  That is why the Gray Rock method is so successful, it deprives the narcissist of feeding off the emotions of their victims because the victim keeps all emotions hidden from the narcissist.  This is what cold, hard logic does as well.

A person who is very logical doesn’t reveal what they feel.  They deal instead with nothing but the facts.  This can be very useful with narcissists.

As an example, let’s say the narcissist in your life wants you to do something that will create a financial burden for you yet not benefit you in any way.  The narcissist insists you need to do this & hand over your bank card right now.  But, what if rather than saying “no” outright you said something else?  What do you think would happen if you said, “I don’t understand something… how is this supposed to be a good thing?  Clearly, I’ll end up with a debt I’ll have trouble repaying.  Yet, I don’t see how this debt will benefit me.  Am I missing something here?  Please tell me how doing this will be a good thing.”  How would the narcissist in your life respond to this?  I would guess like many narcissists, he or she would be baffled.

Doing this can make a narcissist angry, naturally.  Going against their wishes always carries that risk.  That being said though, even the most malignant narcissist doesn’t want to look foolish.  They realize that raging against someone who is making sense can make them look foolish, so usually they won’t rage extremely.  They may throw out a few nasty comments, but that is all.  The good part is, their behavior  can change, & it often does.

If you wish to try using logic against the narcissist in your life, I would encourage you to give it a try!  Some folks are very emotional & not as logical by nature.  This may be a bit tricky for you, but you still can do it.  If it helps, think of your situation as if it wasn’t you involved, but instead was a friend who came to you complaining of this problem & looking for a solution.  What would you tell that friend?

Here are some phrases that can help you to get started being logical with the narcissist:

  • I get that if I do that it helps you, but I don’t see how it helps me.  Not trying to be selfish here, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to do that.
  • So you just said/did that thing that you know bothers me & you’re mad that I’m upset about it.  I don’t see why you have the right to be mad at me but I don’t have the right to be mad at you for doing something you know bothers me.  Would you explain that to me?
  • I’m really confused.  I don’t see how that is a good thing. Can you explain it to me again in a different way so I can see things from your perspective?

These suggestions are simple, but they can be surprisingly helpful.  And with time & practice, no doubt you’ll figure out even more phrases that will be beneficial.

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Ghosting, aka The INFJ Door Slam

Removing someone from your life is a very challenging thing to do even under the best of circumstances.  What makes it even harder is when others criticize not only that you did it but even how you ended a relationship.  It is so frustrating when you took this big step & people with no vested interest in the relationship feel the need to tell you how wrong you were.  It can make you seriously doubt your decision.

One aspect of this I have experienced is being told how wrong I was for simply backing out of someone’s life rather than explaining how I feel or trying to work things out.  Those familiar with the Myers Briggs personality test recognize this as the infamous INFJ door slam, even though all personalities may use it.  Others call it ghosting.  Whatever you choose to call it, many people call it childish, petty & even cruel when it often is nothing of the sort.

While the door slam isn’t appropriate in every relationship that ends, in many cases is it a very good option to take no matter what others may think.

With narcissists, trying to work out relationship problem is a waste of time.  In fact, telling them that you are hurt when they do or say something usually just makes them do or say that thing more often.

They also have no desire to change their hurtful behavior.  If something they do hurts someone, that is either inconsequential to them or it brings them joy.  Trying to talk things out with someone like this is not only impossible, but it will cause a lot more pain & frustration.

Not to mention, narcissists will try to convince a victim to maintain the relationship’s status quo & can be very good at doing so sometimes.  This can cause a couple of unpleasant outcomes.  The victim may become confused & stay in the toxic relationship.  Or, the victim may leave but carry a great deal of shame for leaving the “poor abuser” or “ruining his or her life” by ending the relationship.  Another scenario can happen if the abuser & victim live together.  Talking to the abuser before ending the relationship & moving out can give the abuser time to come up with especially creative & effective tactics to keep the victim in the relationship

In cases like this, it is much better for someone to leave a relationship unannounced & silently for their own mental health’s sake.

Not all relationships are abusive, though, & sometimes a person wants to end it simply because of personality differences, moral differences or even religious beliefs.  In cases like that, sometimes leaving a relationship silently still may be a viable option.

If someone repeatedly hurts you, you tell them they’re hurting you & they continue to hurt you, they have to know why you’re ending the relationship.  They don’t need you to explain yourself yet again.  There is no point.

No one should have to explain to someone how to be a decent human being, especially repeatedly.  Some people seem to have no clue how to be civil, let alone polite, & are content with their behavior.  They say things like, “This is just how I am.”  Explaining why you want to end a relationship with someone like this is most likely going to be a waste of your time.

Obviously, people are very different so you need to consider your options seriously when ending a relationship someone.  If the person is reasonable, explaining why you’re ending it is a good option.  That person may learn that they need to behave in a healthier way.  And, who knows, they may teach you something about your own behavior as well.  If the person in question isn’t reasonable though, quietly walking away probably is your best option.

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A Little About “Just Go No Contact”

When you first learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, one of the first things you will see is many people preaching the value of no contact.  It’s true, no contact is often the best solution when dealing with narcissists, no matter what role the narcissist has in your life.  They accept no responsibility for their abusive ways, they have no empathy so they don’t care about the pain they cause, & they are more than happy to use & abuse anyone in order to get whatever they want.  In other words, they aren’t the kind of people with whom you can work things out.

No contact is a very serious issue, & should NOT be taken lightly.  Yet, there are people out there who treat it as if it’s no big deal.  You can recognize them easily.  They’re the people saying, “Just go no contact” if you mention your narcissist’s abusive behavior.  They act like there is no excuse whatsoever to remain in that relationship, & something is very wrong with you for staying.

People like this are not good if you’re in the place of considering going no contact.  The reason being people who say this can make a victim feel shame for not wanting to end that relationship or not having the strength to do it just yet.  That shame may make them feel horrible & muddy their thinking.  It is NOT helpful!  This is NOT what anyone considering no contact needs!  People in this position need support, love, understanding & even objectivity in the people surrounding them to help them come to whatever decision is right for them.

There is another brand of the “no contact” crowd out there that is even more dangerous.  These are the people who say your family is toxic as soon as you say anything about them that is less than 1000% positive, & you don’t need them in your life.  People like this are either highly sensitive due to their own abusive pasts or they’re manipulative.  One example is someone I knew who sold her home & gave the money to a fortune teller.  This fortune teller told her that her parents were toxic, & she needed to get away from them.  She should sell her house & give the rest of the money to this fortune teller.  The lady’s parents were about as un-toxic as you can get, but she listened anyway.  The fortune teller ran off with this lady’s money as soon as the house was sold.

My point of all of this is that you, Dear Reader, need to be wise with people who say, “Just go no contact”.  Think about it for yourself before you decide to do it.  Is the person telling you this someone who knows you & the other person?  Does this person have experience in similar relationships?  Does this person have anything to gain if you sever ties with the person in question?  Remember, abusive people isolate their victims, so there is a distinct possibility that this person could be abusive & trying to get you away from someone who isn’t abusive (like the fortune teller in my story).

I’m not trying to talk you out of no contact, far from it.  Like I said, in many abusive relationships, it’s the only option.  What I am trying to convince you to do is to pray & consider it seriously for yourself while not blindly listening to the advice of other people.  People who give advice on this subject may not have your best interest at heart, or know enough about your situation to give good advice.  Consider what they have to say, but if it doesn’t feel right, trust that feeling.

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Often “Less Wrong” Is Your Best Solution With Narcissists

When dealing with narcissists, often there is no right answer.  They are masters at creating no win situations, & even when they aren’t actively creating one, they seem to come up anyway.  For example, think about no contact.  In a sense, it’s the right solution.  It’ll protect you from further abuse & give you the space you need in order to heal from all you have endured.  While those are certainly great things, no contact also means a close relationship ended & on a bad note.  Clearly this isn’t a really good thing, even though the good outweighs the bad.  The only other alternative is to continue in an abusive relationship, so a person is limited to two choices, neither of which is particularly great.

Many things with narcissists are like that.  Setting boundaries is another example.  Yes, setting boundaries is a good thing & it is necessary, but at the same time, it starts a lot of problems with narcissists.  Since they don’t respect anyone’s boundaries, when someone tries to set them, they get angry & even more abusive.  The only choices are begin to set boundaries & deal with more abuse at least temporarily, or do nothing & suffer anyway.  Neither answer is really a right one.

Often, the best you can do with a narcissist is choose the least wrong answer.

While I know this sounds depressing & hopeless, I don’t mean it to.  Once you accept this, you can feel less stress & anxiety in your dealings with the narcissist.

Accepting that there really isn’t any right answer helps you to understand that no matter what you do, there won’t be a good, healthy or functional solution.  There is nothing you can do to make that happen.  It’s beyond your control.  This can be very freeing!  It helps you not to beat yourself up because things haven’t worked out perfectly.  You accept that sometimes a person’s best just isn’t good enough, & that’s ok.

It also helps you because you learn to keep your expectations realistic with the narcissist.  You know that the narcissist is going to be angry or upset no matter what you do.  You will have a good idea what to expect rather than thinking that this time will be better.  You also can prepare yourself for whatever is going to happen.

Accepting this truth that there are only less wrong answers with narcissist also helps you not to drive yourself crazy trying to figure out exactly what you need to do & how to do it.  You feel much less pressure to make everything right when you know that no matter what you do, you’ll be wrong anyway.

When you know that the narcissist will say you’re wrong in whatever you do, it’s also much easier to think of yourself instead of only him or her.  You develop a mindset something like, “Well, if I’m going to be wrong anyway I might as well get something out of this too.”

In all honesty, sometimes the fact there often isn’t any right answer also will make you sad.  That is totally normal.  It isn’t exactly the most cheerful fact of life, after all.  But, if you can look at it in ways that benefit you, it really can help you.

I also found that a quote from Captain Picard from the old tv show “Star Trek The Next Generation” to be comforting.  “It is possible to commit no mistakes & still lose.  That is not a weakness.  That is life.”  I know, I’m a nerd quoting this show, but the words are very wise & very comforting.  Definitely worth remembering, in particular when dealing with a narcissist.

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What It’s Like To Go No Contact With Parents

People often don’t understand what it’s like sever ties with  parents.  It’s easy to understand how shocking it can be to some people.  I want people who don’t understand to understand, & I hope to help them to do that with this post.

Looking from the outside in, most people don’t see an abusive family scenario.  They see attentive parents & well behaved children.  They see parents who are successful at their chosen careers, kids getting good grades in school, active in sports or other after school activities & their parents supporting such things.

They don’t see what happens behind the scenes, though.  Screaming, raging, sometimes even physical assaults.  Then there are the scathing criticisms said so often that it destroys the child’s self esteem.  There also is the fact that narcissistic parents do their level best to destroy their child’s identity & recreate the child into whatever it is they want.  The child’s personality, likes, feelings & even morals mean nothing to that parent, only what the parent wants is what matters.  While this may not sound so bad to someone who hasn’t experienced it, I can tell you from my own experience & that of others I have spoken to in similar situations, a child in this situation often considers suicide as it feels like the only means of escape.

When the child in this situation grows up, often, that child who is now an adult learns that their upbringing wasn’t normal.  They witnessed other people with kind & loving parents.  They have friends whose parents bought them their first car when they got their drivers’ license instead of fighting them getting a license & car.  Their friends’ parents celebrated when they graduated from high school or college rather than ignoring the accomplishments or finding some way to trivialize them.

Things like this often make this adult child look for answers.  Frequently many abused adult children learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder at this time.

Suddenly, so many things make sense!  The abuse, the belittling, the manipulation, the control.  Then they learn there is almost no hope whatsoever of changing a narcissist.  Explaining that their actions hurt only encourages them to do those things more.

After attempting every tactic they can to make the toxic relationship healthier yet failing, the adult child realizes no contact is the only option.  Even after the realization, it often takes a long time to work up the inner strength to go through with actually ending the relationship with the toxic parent.

Eventually, they do sever ties though.  Suddenly people they know, or barely know, come out of the woodwork to tell them how terrible they are, how they need to fix the relationship, how badly they’re hurting their parents, how selfish they are & more.  The guilt is horrific & people like this make it even worse.

There is also the devastation of betrayal, because most of these people are people you never expected to side with anyone who abused you.  Actually society in general often sides with parents in these situations rather than the children they abused.

People assume estranged children hate their parents, & treat them accordingly when nothing could be further from the truth.  People don’t realize the pain behind going no contact.  They don’t realize the intense guilt or the cognitive dissonance because of doing something so extremely abnormal either.  They don’t recognize the loneliness because not only did you lose your parents but also most of your family & even friends by choosing to protect your mental health.

This is what happens when someone goes no contact with their parents.  This was my experience as well as that of so many others I’ve talked to.  If anyone thinks no contact is easy or taking a cowardly way out, they are utterly mistaken.  It’s the hardest decision I ever made, yet also the best one.

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Deciding Whether Or Not To Go No Contact

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Judging Victims For Tolerating Abuse

I’ve noticed so many people are quick to judge victims of abuse for tolerating abuse. The nature of the relationship doesn’t seem to matter, the same things are said to victims.  These judgmental people say things like, “Well *I* certainly wouldn’t have put up with being treated like that!”, “Just go no contact!” or, “Why didn’t you leave sooner?”

This post is for those people who are quick to judge, & need a  lesson on the reality of what it’s like to be abused.

Unless a person has been subjected to the effects of daily, intense gaslighting, they truly don’t know what they would do in that situation, & have no right to judge a situation they can’t understand.

Abusers use gaslighting to convince their victims that they can’t make it in life without their abuser.  Abusers convince their victims that they are so stupid & incapable that they need the abuser to help them navigate through life.  Not even the most highly intelligent people are immune to this.

They also convince their victims that no one cares about them other than the abuser.  People only talk to them because they are trying to be nice, not because they really care, abusers say.  They also create doubts in victims’ minds about their loved ones by saying things like, “She isn’t really a good friend to you.”  “He doesn’t care about you yanno.”  When an abuser says such things with conviction, & a victim hears such things often enough, they believe them no matter how much evidence to the contrary they may see.

Abusers also are very good at convincing their victims that if they would try just a little harder, the abuser would threat the victim better.  Watch a young child with an abusive parent, & you will see this clearly.  The meaner the parent is, the harder the child works to please that parent.  Adults aren’t immune to this behavior though.  During my first marriage, I did this with my ex husband.  The problem with this behavior is whatever the victim does is never good enough.  Abusers are notorious for changing what they say they want, raising that bar a bit higher once the victim does what they originally said they wanted, or denying ever wanting that thing their victim just did.  A person unaware of this manipulative & abusive behavior will keep trying to please their abuser, which leads to utter frustration in the victim & satisfaction in the abuser for having such control over the victim.

There’s also the fact that most people don’t want to end relationships with those closest to them, & abusers are usually those closest to the victim.  Deciding to end a romantic relationship is a big deal, especially when abuse is involved because the victim is going to feel like a failure or stupid for falling for someone abusive.  If the abusive relationship is a parent/child relationship, that is incredibly hard to end too.  Who can feel completely comfortable telling their parents they never want to see them again?!

Lastly, many abusers prevent their victims from leaving.  They often take the victim’s money & ruin that person’s credit, making it impossible for the victim to leave.  They make the victim completely financially dependent on them.  They threaten to take the couple’s kids away so the victim never will see them again.  Some have been known to lock their victims in their home, making them a prisoner.  And, still others threaten to kill either the victim, their pets, their children, their friends or family if the victim leaves.

After considering all of this.. can you honestly still wonder why victims tolerated the abuse as long as they did?

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