Feeling Undeserving Manifests In All Kinds Of Unusual Ways

Do you find yourself working constantly without breaks, failing to take care of yourself when sick or injured, & not having healthy boundaries?  If so, these likely are all coping mechanisms to deal with a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness.  The good news is once you start to recognize & challenge these behaviors, you can begin to heal & believe in your worthiness.

One of the ways in which feeling undeserving manifests is through the need to constantly do, achieve, & accomplish.  Whether it’s in our personal or professional lives, we push ourselves to the limit, working long hours without breaks, & sacrificing our mental & physical well-being in the process.   This behavior is often rooted in the belief that you need to prove your worthiness through achievements.  You believe that if you work hard enough, you can earn the love, respect, & validation that you so desperately crave.  Sadly, the reality is that no amount of doing can ever make us feel truly worthy.  Until you start to prioritize rest, self-care, & balance in life, you won’t begin to feel true peace & fulfillment.  Your worthiness is not tied to your productivity, & taking care of yourself is a crucial part of living a happy & fulfilling life.

Another way in which feeling undeserving manifests is through neglecting our physical, emotional, & mental health.  We ignore our needs, push through pain & illness, & refuse to ask for help when we need it.  This behavior often is rooted in the belief that you don’t deserve care & kindness.  For me, I believed that I was a burden on others, & that my needs were not important enough to be met.  The reality is that we all deserve to be taken care of, especially when we are going through a hard time.  Prioritizing your well-being & asking for help when needed will help you to begin to feel self-love & compassion.  Taking care of yourself is not selfish, but rather an act of kindness towards yourself & those around you.

One of the most damaging ways in which feeling undeserving manifests is through the inability to set healthy boundaries, tolerating abuse, & settling for things that are bad for us.  This behavior usually is rooted in the belief that you don’t deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, & love.  Like other children of narcissistic parents, I grew up believing that I had to settle, & that I didn’t have the right to say no or stand up for myself.  It wasn’t until I started to recognize my worthiness & set healthy boundaries that I began to attract people & situations that honored & respected me.  I learned that I deserve to be treated with love & kindness, that I have the right to say no to anything that doesn’t align with my values & needs & I also have the right to terminate relationships that are one sided or damaging to my peace & mental health

Feeling undeserving can manifest in unusual & damaging ways, but it doesn’t have to define us.  By recognizing & challenging these behaviors, we can learn to believe in our worthiness & live a happy & fulfilling life.  Remember that you are worthy of love, respect, & happiness, & that no one but God has the right to define you.  Ask Him often to tell you the truth about yourself, & never let anyone have the power to make you feel unworthy.

Suggestions For Managing Triggers

Anyone who has been through trauma is familiar with triggers.  Triggers are anything that reminds you of trauma or prompts a flashback.  They can be as obvious as seeing your abuser or they can be more subtle like hearing a song your abuser listened to often.  Whatever the trigger is doesn’t really matter.  What matters is how you cope with them.  Today we are going to discuss some helpful tips in managing the painful emotions associated with triggers.  These tips also help when suffering flashbacks.

Grounding techniques are helpful for dealing with flashbacks but also with triggers.  Grounding involves focusing on something else other than the flashback or trigger.  To do this, you need to involve your senses.  I find it especially helpful to use things that are very obvious, such as the smell of lavender or touching a very coarse or soft fabric.  When something is so obvious, it kind of hijacks the senses, & demands your focus.  This is particularly useful during flashbacks since they tend to want to override your reality. 

Move!  The simple act of moving your body can shift your body’s physical response to triggers & enable you to deal with them emotionally.  You don’t have to go for a jog or ride a skateboard.  Simply walking around or even looking at your surroundings can be enough to help. 

Remind yourself of what is happening to you.  Remind yourself that you are safe.  You are simply being reminded of something that was traumatic.  That doesn’t mean you are in any danger.  The trigger is a normal part of being traumatized or abused, & there is nothing wrong with you for experiencing it. 

Snuggle your beloved pet.  Animals are the BEST!  They offer unconditional love, companionship, entertainment & more.  They are also wonderful for helping during darker times such as during flashbacks & triggers.  If you are experiencing this pain, snuggle your furbaby & let them help you.  There can be so much comfort in this!  In fact, did you know that there is healing in cat purrs?  It’s true!  The sound is known to release endorphins not only in cats but in humans as well.  This means a purring kitty can help you to lower your stress level & even lower your blood pressure!  Cats truly are magical!

Don’t judge yourself for being triggered.  It can be hard not to do this sometimes, but it is important not to judge yourself when triggered.  It only adds to your frustration & even shame, & there is no point in it!  Instead, accept that they are a normal part of life after trauma.

Don’t try to avoid triggers.  As tempting as it may be to try to avoid triggers, doing so isn’t healthy.  For one thing, it’s very frustrating since avoiding them completely is impossible.  For another, avoiding them doesn’t help you to heal.  If you look at triggers as a sign you need healing in specific areas, then focus on healing in those areas, you heal & grow a little more with each trigger you face.  And as an added bonus, the things that once were painful triggers stop hurting so much.  The pain may not entirely disappear, but it at the very least will diminish greatly.  There may be times you need to take a break from emotional healing work & avoid your triggers when possible, but for the sake of your mental health, don’t try to avoid them permanently!

Triggers are a totally normal part of life after trauma, but they don’t have to rule your life.  You can use them to your advantage, & heal & grow from them.

Validating Those With C-PTSD

Many of you who follow my work have the same debilitating disorder as I do, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & I want to offer you some validation today.  I know validation is often hard to come by with C-PTSD, so I’m sure you need it.

Many people who don’t have C-PTSD don’t really even believe it’s a real thing.  They think it’s some made up disorder.  Others think it was caused from being too negative or not “thinking happy thoughts.”  Some people also think we’re weak for being so affected by the abuse that gave us C-PTSD.  This commonly happens among those who also experienced abuse but didn’t develop the disorder. 

There is so much that people who think in these ways don’t realize, yet in spite of their obvious ignorance, they somehow manage to make those of us with C-PTSD feel terrible about having this disorder.  That should not be!  There is no reason to feel badly or even ashamed of yourself for having this disorder, & I’ll tell you why.

C-PTSD is a potentially fatal disorder.  Living daily with crippling anxiety & depression, having frequent nightmares & flashbacks is absolutely miserable.  Even when doing everything possible to heal, almost everyone with C-PTSD lives with at least some of the symptoms for their entire life.  Many people who live with it seriously consider suicide rather than live this way.  And sadly, many of those people go on to end their own lives.  If you keep going in spite of feeling this way, you are strong & courageous!

Many people assume people with C-PTSD are just lazy.  Most of us with C-PTSD push ourselves extremely hard each & every day just to survive.  This takes up almost all of a person’s energy.  Many people with C-PTSD can’t do more than simply survive many days.  Add in normal daily activities such as working, doing laundry, going to the grocery story & more, & by the end of each day, the average person with C-PTSD is exhausted both mentally & physically.  That exhaustion doesn’t mean a person is lazy.  It means a person is struggling with a very real & very difficult mental disorder.  Remember this the next time someone accuses you of being lazy.

Many people think that people with C-PTSD are faking their symptoms as a cry for attention.  This is not even close to accurate.  If we’re faking anything, we are faking being much better off than we really are.  Most people get very uncomfortable when they’re around someone whose symptoms are flaring up, & rather than make people feel that way, most of us try to hide them or distance ourselves from others when that happens.  Other people see us at our best, not our worst, & jump to the conclusion that since they don’t see us waking up screaming from nightmares, having flashbacks,  or crying in the shower, we must be faking having C-PTSD.   They are absolutely wrong though!  No, you are NOT faking C-PTSD.  I believe you!!  If you’re faking anything, it’s being much better off than you really are.

Many people assume if you don’t discuss having C-PTSD often, it can’t be all that bad.  These people couldn’t be more wrong.  Many people are private, & don’t feel comfortable discussing details of such a personal topic as a mental disorder.  Also, many of us with this awful disorder developed it as a direct result of narcissistic abuse.  Narcissists have zero tolerance for the problems of other people, & can be so proficient with their gaslighting, they convince their victims that no one wants to hear about any problem they have or even that they don’t have this problem.  Even after the abuse is over & the narcissist is out of their victim’s life, the victim often continues to gaslight himself or herself without realizing it by thinking no one cares that they have this problem or that they don’t really have a problem at all.  In spite of the overwhelming evidence that they have C-PTSD, they still minimize the symptoms & severity of it or even doubt they have it.  This is normal, & I struggle with this myself more often than I care to admit.  It’s ok to admit you have this disorder to yourself & others.  You don’t have to discuss it non stop of course, but you do have the right discuss whatever you feel comfortable discussing.  And, if you prefer not to discuss it, that doesn’t mean you don’t have it or it isn’t all that bad!  It just means you’re a private person, which is perfectly fine! 

I hope those of you with C-PTSD feel more validated after reading this post.  Living with C-PTSD isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, & you deserve credit for having strength & courage.  You also deserve validation!

For Those Who Think Narcissists Shouldn’t Have To Face Consequences

As a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have often heard people say that narcissists shouldn’t have to face consequences for their actions.  They argue that it’s not fair to punish someone for being cruel when they have a personality disorder or because they had a hard life or some other equally lame excuse.  However, as a Christian, I believe that everyone is accountable for their actions, regardless of their mental health status.  In fact, the Bible speaks about the importance of consequences & correction.  Psalm 141:5 in the Amplified Bible says, “Let the righteous [thoughtfully] strike (correct) me—it is a kindness [done to encourage my spiritual maturity].  It is [the choicest anointing] oil on the head; Let my head not refuse [to accept & acknowledge & learn from] it; For still my prayer is against their wicked deeds.”

One of the main reasons why narcissists should face consequences for their actions is accountability.  Without consequences, there is no incentive to change behavior.  It’s important for everyone to be held accountable for their actions, not only for the sake of those they have hurt, but also for their own wellbeing & growth.  While narcissists almost never change, at least consequences set the stage for that possibility.

Furthermore, consequences are a form of justice.  When someone does something wrong, it’s only right that they face the consequences of their actions.  This is not about revenge or punishment, but about restoring balance & order.  When a narcissist is allowed to get away with their behavior endlessly, it sends the message that their actions are acceptable.  This is especially damaging to victims who may struggle with feelings of worthlessness or self blame.

Finally, consequences can also serve as a deterrent for future bad behavior.  When someone faces the unpleasant consequences of their actions, it sends a message to others that similar behavior will not be tolerated.  Even narcissists do get that message through consequences sometimes.

As Christians, we are called to forgive others as God has forgiven us.  This can be challenging when dealing with narcissistic abusers who have caused so much pain & trauma.  However, forgiveness does not mean letting go of justice or accountability.  Rather, it means entrusting the situation to God, & releasing the person from expectations of an apology or repaying us for the damage they did.

Forgiveness also does not mean that the relationship with the abuser is automatically restored.  That should require repentance, humility, & a willingness to change.  When a person is not willing to acknowledge their wrongdoing & change, the relationship can’t be restored. 

As Christians, we are called to love all people, including narcissists.  Love is not always about feeling warm, caring feelings, which is good since it’s impossible to feel that way towards anyone who deliberately traumatizes you.  That love can be as simple as praying for them – for God to meet whatever needs they have, to bless them & most importantly, to turn their hearts & minds to Him.  I know how hard this can be, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.  And when it’s hard, tell God!  He knows anyway so just be honest.  I have prayed “I don’t want to pray for them but I know You want me to, so that’s the only reason I’m doing this” many times, & not once was God ever angry with me for it.

At the same time, we must also set healthy boundaries & protect ourselves from further harm.  This means limiting our interactions with them or even going no contact.  Such things are loving & Godly.

Never ever let anyone make you feel badly for giving a narcissist consequences for abusing you. Whether or not the narcissist learns & grows from the experience, at least you have done the right thing by giving them an environment that encourages such things. The rest is up to them.

What Exactly Is Self Love?

It’s easy to throw around the term “self love” these days, but what does it really mean?  Is it just bubble baths & pep talking yourself?  Or, is it something much deeper?  Self love is not just a feel-good buzzword.  It’s a way of life that can help you live a more fulfilling & authentic life. 

Self love starts with being your authentic self.  This means embracing who you truly are, flaws & all.  It means not trying to be someone else to please others or fit in.  It means being honest with yourself & others about your feelings, thoughts, & beliefs.  When you are your authentic self, you are living in alignment with your values & priorities.  Being your authentic self can be scary, especially if you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse.  It means putting yourself out there & risking rejection.  It’s worth it though.  When you are true to yourself, you attract people who accept & appreciate you for who you really are.  You also feel more confident & self-assured.

To become more authentic, start by reflecting on who you truly are.  Ask yourself some questions like, what are your values, passions, & priorities?  What makes you unique? Then, start showing up as that person in your daily life.  Speak up when you have something to say.  Embrace your quirks.  Pursue your passions.  The more you embrace your authentic self, the more self love you will cultivate.

We all make mistakes.  It’s a natural part of being human.  When we beat ourselves up for those mistakes, we are not practicing self love.  Part of self love is forgiving yourself for your mistakes & moving on.  Forgiveness is not about excusing bad behavior or pretending that everything is ok.  It’s about acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility for your actions, & moving forward in a positive direction.  When you forgive yourself, you release the negative emotions that are holding you back & create space for self love & growth.

To forgive yourself, start by acknowledging your mistakes.  Take responsibility for what happened & apologize if necessary to others & even to yourself.  Then, focus on what you can learn from the experience & how you can grow from it.  Remember that mistakes are often opportunities for growth & self-improvement.

Self love also means taking care of your mental & physical health.  This includes getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, & taking care of your emotional well being.

Self care is not selfish.  It’s essential for your overall health & well-being.  When you take care of yourself, you have more energy, feel stronger mentally & physically, & are better able to handle stress & challenges.

Practice mindfulness to reduce stress & improve your emotional well being.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  Whether it’s seeing a therapist or reaching out to a friend, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Self love is not a one time event or only one thing you can do for yourself.  It’s a lifelong journey of self discovery, growth, & acceptance.  When you practice self love, you are living a life that is true to your values & priorities.  You are living a life that is fulfilling, joyful, & authentic.

Today, I want to encourage you to take the first step on your journey of self love.  Embrace your authentic self.  Forgive yourself for your mistakes.  Take care of your mental & physical health.  Always remember, self love is not selfish.  It’s essential.

Understanding Your Emotional State After Abuse

Living through abuse can be one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through.  Abuse victims often experience ongoing trauma, such as growing up with abusive parents & later marrying an abusive man or woman.  This means that they can be left feeling overwhelmed & exhausted by their horrific experiences.  It can be easy to become frustrated with yourself for not being able to “bounce back” quickly.  It’s important to remember that humans were not designed to experience trauma, & it’s completely normal for it to make you feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning.

It’s equally important to be gentle & kind with yourself, but in particular after experiencing trauma.  Always remember that it’s not a sign of weakness to feel traumatized, or even develop PTSD or C-PTSD.  It’s a sign that you are a human being with feelings, & that you have experienced something that is incredibly difficult to process.

I firmly believe that a relationship with God is vital, & invaluable with helping a person to heal after experiencing abuse.  He is so loving & gentle, & gladly will offer you all the comfort you need, guide you in ways to help yourself to heal, give you strength when you feel weak & anything else you need.

There will be times when you don’t function well either mentally or physically after trauma, & that is normal.  It doesn’t mean you’re weak, flawed or crazy.  In fact, it’s a sign of strength that you are still standing & doing your best to manage despite all that you’ve been through!  Don’t be mad at yourself for these times that you may experience, because it will only make you feel worse.  Instead, take a moment to recognize & honor the strength that you have.

In order to heal, it’s important to take the time to fully process your pain.  This can be done through prayer, journaling, talking to a trusted friend, seeking out professional help with someone educated in trauma recovery or a combination of all of these things.  Taking the time to process your pain can help to reduce the intensity of your emotions, which will allow you to move through your trauma in a healthier way.

It’s also important to recognize that healing doesn’t happen overnight.  It’s a process that takes a lot of time, often even a lifetime.

It can be difficult to be patient & kind with yourself when you feel overwhelmed & exhausted by trauma. However, always  remember that you are a strong person who is capable of healing with God’s help.  Remind yourself that He is on your side, that you are doing the best you can & that it’s ok to have times when you struggle more than other times.

It also is important to practice good self care. Take some time for yourself often to do things that make you feel good & bring you joy.  This could be anything – taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, reading a book or watching a movie.  Taking the time to focus on yourself & your own needs helps to reduce stress & makes it easier to manage your trauma.

Living through trauma is an incredibly difficult experience & it can be easy to become overwhelmed by the experience. It’s important to remember that humans weren’t designed to experience trauma & it’s normal to feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning. It’s not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength that you survived something so traumatic. It’s important to be gentle & kind with yourself & to take the time to fully process your pain. By taking care of yourself, you can move through your trauma in a healthier way.

Never Let Someone Dysfunctional Or Abusive Determine Your Reality

For years, I had let other people’s words & actions determine my reality, including dysfunctional & abusive people who made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.  I realized that I needed to take control of my own reality & not let others dictate how I saw myself or the world around me.

Dysfunctional people come in all shapes & sizes.  They can be abusive partners, toxic family members, or even just negative friends.  Regardless of their role in our lives, they all have one thing in common: their reality is often skewed.  They see the world through a lens of dysfunction, & this can have a profound impact on those around them.

For example, an abusive partner may constantly put their partner down, telling them that they are worthless & unlovable.  This can cause the victim to internalize these messages & start to believe them.  They may start to see themselves as unattractive, unintelligent, & unworthy of love.  This is what I experienced during my first marriage.

Similarly, a toxic family member may constantly create drama & chaos.  They may manipulate situations & people in order to get what they want, causing those around them to question their own perceptions of what is right & wrong.

It can be incredibly difficult to break free from the hold that dysfunctional people have on our lives.  However, it is crucial that we take steps to do so in order to protect our mental health & well-being.  Following are some tips for taking control of your own reality.

Pray.  Ask God to give you wisdom & discernment.  This is very simple but also tremendously helpful.

Set Boundaries. One of the most important things you can do is set boundaries with dysfunctional people.  This means letting them know what behaviors are not acceptable & giving them consequences if they continue to engage in those behaviors. 

Seek Support.  Surround yourself with people who are genuine & supportive.  This can include friends, family members, or even a therapist.  Having a healthy support system can help you see reality more clearly & provide you with the strength & courage you need to break free from dysfunctional relationships.

Practice Self-Care. Taking care of yourself is crucial, but especially so when dealing with dysfunctional people.  It can be easy to get caught up in their drama & forget about your own needs.  Make sure to prioritize self-care activities that you enjoy.

Breaking free from the hold that dysfunctional people have on our lives can be a difficult process.  However, it is worth it in order to live a life that is true to ourselves. 

Be patient with yourself.  Healing takes time, & it is important to be gentle with yourself as you navigate this process.  Celebrate even the smallest victories & don’t be too hard on yourself when things are difficult.  Also remember there will be times you make mistakes as you heal.  Remind yourself that is normal for any type of healing so don’t beat yourself up over it.  Learn from your mistakes & move on,

Finally, know that you deserve to live a life that is healthy & true.  Never let someone dysfunctional determine your reality.  You have the power to take control of your own life, so do it!

What It Really Means When Narcissists Accuse And Insult Their Victims

Narcissists are masters at something called projection.  Basically, this is when they accuse someone of doing things that they truly haven’t done, but the narcissist does on a regular basis.  For example, a narcissist who accuses you of lying is most likely a liar. 

Until you know about what they are doing, it can be tough to handle this sort of behavior.  It’s painful & baffling when you are accused of doing things that you never have done or, in many cases, never even considered doing.  I know, since I’ve been there.  When I was in my late teens, some of the things my mother accused me of doing were astonishing because they never even crossed my mind. 

Another thing narcissists project onto their victims are their own insecurities.  The narcissist who feels unattractive will call their victim ugly, or the narcissist who is insecure about their intelligence tells their victim often how stupid they are.  When a narcissist does this often enough & with such conviction, victims usually take their cruel words to heart.  Again, I know as I’ve done this too.  This is how I ended up battling anorexia at age 10.  My mother constantly told me how fat I was, & at that young age, the only way I thought I could lose weight was to stop eating.

Today, I want to encourage those of you who have been in this situation, or are still in it. 

A helpful piece of advice I can give you is this.. when a narcissist accuses you of something you have done or said something negative about you, think about it for a moment.  Ask yourself what evidence is there that what they said is accurate?  Chances are, there is none.  Then, consider the narcissist.  Has he or she ever shown signs of either doing or wanting to do the thing they said you did?  I bet there is some evidence, even a small amount, that they have done that thing.  Or, if the narcissist insulted you, think about them.  Did the narcissist call you stupid, yet acts as if they know it all, for example?  My ex husband frequently let me know he thought he was supremely intelligent & I was stupid, & he acted as if he knew everything.  Looking back, I realize what appeared to be confidence was simply concealing the fact he knew I was smarter than he was.  By acting like he was smarter than me, he made me believe that was true.  Narcissists often do this sort of thing with projection.

If you are unsure of answers to such questions, then ask God for help.  Ask Him to show you the truth about the situation, because He will be more than happy to do so.  In fact, do it whether or not you are sure of the answers, because He gladly will show you all that you need to know, even things that you have missed.

Remember that when a narcissist projects or insults you, they are giving you insight into themselves.  They are telling you things that they will do & areas where they feel badly about themselves.  They aren’t saying such things because they are true.  Far from it.  This is how they process their flaws & insecurities.  By accusing you of these things, it allows them to be angry about their own problems while accepting no responsibility for them or working to change themselves.  It has nothing to do with you at all.  Projection, like everything else related to narcissists, is all about them.

About Adult Bullies

Victims of bullying & abuse understand all too well the devastating impact it can have on one’s mental & emotional well being.  While we often associate bullying with the playground or high school, the sad reality is that it can happen to anyone, at any age.  Adult bullies are a growing problem in our society, & their behavior can take many forms, from subtle manipulation to outright aggression.  Today, we’ll explore the nature of adult bullying, its causes & consequences, & most importantly, how to confront & overcome it.

Adult bullies come in all shapes & sizes, & their tactics can be hard to spot at first.  Some use verbal abuse, constantly criticizing or demeaning their victims, while others use more subtle tactics like veiled threats, or making a person believe they’ll lose something or someone they love.  Some bullies prefer physical violence or the threat of it to intimidate their victims.

Regardless of the tactics they use, adult bullies often share one thing in common: they feel insecure or powerless in their own lives & use bullying as a way to feel more powerful & in control.  For example, a boss who bullies his employees may be afraid of losing control of his company or being seen as weak.  A spouse who bullies their partner may be afraid of being alone or losing control of the relationship.  Whatever the underlying fear, adult bullies use victims as a way to feel more secure & in control of their lives.

The impact of adult bullying can be profound & long lasting.  Victims may experience anxiety, depression, low self esteem, & a host of other mental & emotional issues.  They may feel isolated & alone, as bullies often try to cut them off from friends & family.  Victims also may suffer physical harm, either from the bullying itself or from the stress & anxiety it causes.

The impact of adult bullying is not just limited to the victim.  It can also have a ripple effect on those around them.  Consider a boss who bullies their employees.  They create a toxic work environment that affects everyone in the office.  A parent who bullies their child creates a cycle of abuse that perpetuates for generations.  A spouse who bullies their partner ultimately destroys their relationship & family.

We all have a responsibility to confront & address bullying whenever & wherever we see it.  Victims need advocates because they frequently are too beaten down either mentally, physically or both to protect themselves.

Dealing with adult bullies can be challenging, but it’s not impossible.  The first step is to recognize the behavior for what it is & to understand that it’s not personal nor is it your fault.  You are not responsible for the bully’s behavior, & you do not deserve to be treated poorly.

The next step is to set boundaries & assert your rights.  Let the bully know that their behavior is not acceptable & that you will not tolerate it.  Be firm, calm, & avoid getting emotional or defensive.  If speaking up is too intimidating, simply refuse to do as they tell you to do & show them no fear.  Those actions can speak volumes to a bully. Remember, bullies thrive on the power they get from making others feel afraid or upset.  By remaining calm & rational, you take away their power.

If the bullying continues, it may be necessary to seek help from a third party, such as a close friend who has been bullied, therapist, or HR representative.  They can provide support & guidance on how to handle the situation & can help you develop a plan for moving forward.

Lastly, it’s important to take care of yourself.  Always stay close to God, surround yourself with supportive people, & practice self care. 

Bullying is not a hopeless situation.  Together, we can create a world where bullying is no longer tolerated.

Subtle Abuse

Abuse isn’t always loud or obvious.  It doesn’t always leave physical evidence behind that anyone can see easily, such as bruises & broken bones.  In fact, most abuse isn’t that obvious.  Covert abuse is a common term used to describe such subtle abuse.  It doesn’t leave undeniable proof that it happened.  It is very quiet & subtle, so much so that often even the victim may not realize that he or she is being abused.  That doesn’t make this abuse any less damaging, however.

Covert abuse comes in many forms, in particular in the form of gaslighting.  Gaslighting is when an abuser attempts to convince someone that they should doubt their feelings, thoughts, perceptions of reality & even their sanity.  It often comes in the form of denial.  The abuser claims that what they did wasn’t really so bad, it didn’t happen as the victim remembers or they deny even doing whatever they did at all, claiming the victim imagined things.

Another part of gaslighting involves how abusers interact with other people.  To those not in their most intimate circle, abusers often appear charismatic, helpful, maybe even kind & caring.  People believe the abuser to be a good person, & often tell the victim how lucky they are to have such a good person in their life.  Treating outsiders in this way serves two purposes for abusers.  First, it convinces others that the abuser in question truly is incapable of being anything but a great person.  That way, if the victim tells anyone about the abuse, he or she isn’t believed.  Second, the abuser’s fan club reminding the victim of how great they believe the abuser is makes the victim doubt that the abuser is so bad.  This makes the victim believe they are overreacting or over sensitive, & they become more tolerant of abuse.

Destroying a victim’s self esteem is another type of covert abuse.  Many years ago, I remember thinking that this is a type of murder.  I still stand by that.  Leaving a person left feeling as if they are nothing to anyone is unbelievably cruel & inhumane.  A person who is victimized in this way feels that if they died at this moment, no one would be care in the slightest or maybe they would feel relieved they are gone.  No one should live like that!

Another type of covert abuse is threats that make a person wonder if the person doing the threatening is sincere or not.  The purpose of doing this is to cause intense fear in a victim & also causing them to be extremely willing to please their abuser to avoid the abuser following through on their threat.  The person making these threats doesn’t even need to physically hurt the victim at some point to make their victim afraid, but physical violence is likely to follow these behaviors at some point.  Their threats make it very clear that they are capable of following through on them if they wish to do so.  Sometimes their threats involve words, but not always.  Most often, they do not.  Abusers may punch walls, slam doors, break items or even hurt pets yet not touch their victim.  Their behavior is terrifying to their victims, whatever they do.  My ex husband punched items or walls to make his point sometimes.  I remember him doing this then telling me how lucky I was he only punched the wall because he really wanted to punch me instead.  Somehow that didn’t make me feel so lucky! 

Another covert type of abuse is isolation.  Isolating victims means victims have no one to tell them their abuser is treating them awfully, to offer them support or to help them to leave the abusive relationship.  This behavior robs victims of any hope that their life will get better, & leaves them under the full control of their abuser.

If someone you know is treating you in these ways, never tell yourself it’s not a big deal, it’s not really abuse since he or she isn’t physically hurting you or otherwise excuse this behavior.  It truly is abusive & you truly deserve to be treated better!  If at all possible, end this relationship NOW!  If now isn’t possible, please make a plan to get out of it as soon as possible.  Protect yourself!  You deserve to be safe!

Growing Up Invalidated

Narcissists are masters of invalidation.  In other words, they are masters at making their victims feel as if their likes, dislikes, & feelings are inaccurate, & the person feeling them is wrong, deeply flawed or even crazy for feeling the way they do.  Invalidation is a very cruel thing to do to another person, as it makes a person lose the ability to trust their feelings & perceptions.  It even can make a person doubt their sanity.  This makes an invalidated person easy to manipulate & control, which naturally is the goal of any narcissist.

Narcissistic parents love invalidating their children because of this, in particular engulfing narcissistic parents.  Chronically invalidated children are extremely insecure, clingy with their parents because of the insecurity & they look to their parents for information much more than healthier children do. 

Sadly, this chronic invalidation in childhood creates life long problems for children like this.  Having been in this situation, I can vouch for just how damaging it is.  The good thing however is once you recognize the signs, you can make healthy changes. 

Probably the most common sign of growing up invalidated is low or non existent self esteem.  How could anyone have any self esteem when their own parents invalidated them?  It’s impossible.  Healing such damaged self esteem is a long process, but so worth it.  The best way to start this process that I know of is to ask God to help you often, & to start questioning things.  When you think something negative about yourself, question it.  Ask yourself why you feel that way.  Is there evidence of this feeling being accurate, or do you think this way because your parent told you that you were that way?

One sign of growing up invalidated is that you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable around other people.  The good news is that the more you heal, the healthier your relationships naturally become, & eventually you become able to be vulnerable around those healthy people. 

Feeling as if your feelings, thoughts, wants, & needs are less important than other people is also typical of someone who grew up being invalidated.  I want you to know that feeling that way is WRONG!  Everything about you is just as important as other people.  There is nothing about you that makes you less important.  You are valuable & you matter!

Second guessing yourself constantly is common with someone who has been invalidated in their childhood.  How could it not be?  Much like healing helps your self esteem improve & that naturally attracts healthier people, it also will help you to stop second guessing yourself so much.  You will become more confident & second guess yourself less & less over time.

Feeling invisible also is a part of growing up invalidated.  It’s such an awful way to feel!  Sadly when you spend time with those who invalidated you, you may always feel this way to some degree.  I certainly do.  It improved as I healed, but never entirely went away.  Feeling this way though doesn’t mean something wrong with you.  It means something is wrong with those who treat you this way. 

Obviously healing from invalidation isn’t a quick or easy path, but working on it is well worth it.  You deserve validation, even if your parents didn’t think you did.  You are worthy of it.  You’re also worthy of love, kindness & being treated well.  Don’t accept the message of invalidation that says otherwise!  Reject it!  If you’re struggling with that, then pray & ask God to help you & to teach you how to reject these dysfunctional & toxic messages.  Work on your improving self esteem, too.  That also will help you so much!

Avoid Dysfunctional People Who Have No Interest In Healing

Dysfunctional people are those who have experienced trauma or other negative life events that have affected their mental health & well-being.  They can struggle with addiction, depression, anxiety, or a plethora of other mental health issues.  Sadly, some dysfunctional people become so committed to their dysfunction that they have no tolerance for anything functional or healthy.

These individuals may try to bring others down to their level by discouraging healthy habits or behaviors.  For example, if you are trying to eat a healthy diet, they may tell you that you are missing out on all the good foods & that you should indulge in unhealthy options.  They may also try to sabotage your efforts by tempting you with unhealthy foods or behaviors.

Such people also frequently try to silence others who have been through trauma, especially if the trauma is similar to theirs.  They don’t want to be reminded of the pain they’re working hard to avoid or they feel badly about themselves when they see someone else conquering the same demons they are too afraid to face.  Shutting down others in similar situations is an effective way for them to avoid these feelings.

It is important to remember that dysfunctional people are not necessarily bad people.  They are struggling with their own demons.  They don’t know how to overcome them & lack the courage to try.  However, it is not our responsibility to fix or rescue them.  We must prioritize our own mental health & well-being, & that means setting boundaries with those who aren’t good to or for us.

If you find yourself in a relationship or friendship with someone who is dysfunctional & unwilling to heal, it is important to protect yourself from their toxicity.  This can mean setting boundaries or even ending the relationship altogether.

Setting boundaries with dysfunctional people can be difficult, especially if they are family members or close friends.  However, it is important to remember that you have the right to prioritize your own well-being.  This means limiting contact with them or avoiding certain topics of conversation.

If you have experienced trauma or abuse in your own life, it can be especially difficult to navigate relationships with dysfunctional people.  They can be incredibly frustrating if you have worked on your healing, & their behavior can be very upsetting, even triggering.  It may be necessary to end the relationship altogether, especially if they’re negatively affecting you somehow.  This can be a difficult decision, but you need to remember that you deserve to be around people who support & uplift you.

It’s particularly helpful in such situations to reach out for support from God, other believers, a trusted friend, family member, or even a counselor.

While it can be difficult to set boundaries or end relationships, it is important to prioritize our own needs & protect ourselves from toxic influences such as dysfunctional people who aren’t interested in their own healing.  Although we are called to love & care for those around us, we need to remember that we can’t pour from an empty cup.  Take care of yourself first, & then you can be a blessing to those around you.

Ways You Betray Yourself & How To Stop

Betrayal doesn’t always come from someone else; sometimes, it originates from within.  In this post, we will explore some ways you might be betraying yourself & how to stop it while learning to prioritize yourself.

One of the most common ways we betray ourselves is by neglecting self care.  Your well being should always be a priority, but far too often, we put others’ needs before our own.  By not treating yourself with love & neglecting self care, you diminish your self worth & overall happiness. 

To change this behavior:

Learn to prioritize yourself.  Schedule regular “me time” often, even if it’s just a few minutes at a time.  Use this time to engage in activities that bring you joy & recharge your energy.

Practice Self Compassion. Be kind to yourself by acknowledging your accomplishments & forgiving your imperfections.  Treat yourself with the same care & compassion you offer to others.

Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships & protecting your emotional well being.  When you don’t have & enforce healthy boundaries, you allow others to overstep their limits & prioritize their needs over your own.  This is another form of self betrayal.

I have a course on learning to set healthy boundaries on my website at: www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com .  Some very basic steps to get you started are:

Identify Your Limits: Pay attention to how you feel when interacting with others.  Remember, it’s ok to put yourself first & say no sometimes.  It’s not selfish to prioritize yourself; it’s necessary for your well being.

Communicate Clearly: Express your boundaries in a direct & respectful manner. 

People pleasing is another way you can betray yourself. When you constantly sacrifice yourself to gain approval & love from others, you lose sight of your own desires & live in a way that doesn’t align with your true self.

Recognize Your Worth: Understand that your value is not determined by how much you please others.  Embrace your unique qualities & learn to validate yourself.  Give yourself permission to prioritize yourself & make decisions accordingly.

Listen to Your Intuition: Trust it & do what feels right.

When someone hurts you, it’s easy to internalize the pain & keep silent.  However, holding in hurt leads to resentment, damaged relationships, & damaged self esteem.  Speaking up allows you to assert your boundaries & protect your emotional well being.

To change this self betraying behavior:

Acknowledge Your Feelings: Identify your emotions without judgment.  Recognize that your feelings matter & deserve to be heard.

Communicate Constructively: Express your concerns or emotions calmly.  Focus on how the behavior made you feel rather than blaming the other person can foster a more productive conversation.

Choose your battles.  Little things often are better let go.  Or, if dealing with a narcissist, speaking up often only creates more problems.  Pray before speaking up, asking God to tell you if you need to speak up & what to say if you do.

When you sacrifice your morals to fit in, you betray your authentic self.  Over time living inauthentically erodes your self esteem & your identity.

To change this behavior:

Define Your Values: Identify principles you are unwilling to compromise on & stick to them.

Evaluate Your Choices: When faced with difficult decisions, consider how each option aligns with your values.  Make choices that resonate with your values, even if they are challenging.

Betraying yourself damages your happiness & well being.  You deserve better than that!  If you struggle in this area, pray for guidance & wisdom.  God will give them freely!

Remember, you deserve to be treated with love & loyalty, including treating yourself with those traits.

Feeling Emotionally Numb After Trauma Is Normal

As victims of abuse, we often find ourselves struggling to cope with the aftermath of traumatic experiences.  One common & confusing symptom is emotional numbness.  It can be difficult to understand why we feel nothing at all, especially when we know we should be feeling something.  This post will explore the causes of emotional numbness & provide tips on how to cope.

Experiencing trauma is such an emotional experience that it can burn out your emotions, which leads to feeling numb.  Our brains can only handle so much emotion at once, & when we are constantly experiencing intense feelings of fear, sadness, or anger, our brains become overwhelmed, & we shut down emotionally.  This is our brain’s way of protecting us from further emotional harm.  Emotional numbness is a common symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) & Complex PTSD.

Emotional numbness can also be a result of prolonged emotional abuse. Victims of abuse often learn to shut off their emotions as a way to protect themselves from further harm.  This can lead to a disconnect from their emotions over time.

As a side note, some medications used to treat mental health conditions may cause emotional numbness as a side effect.  It is important to talk to your doctor about any symptoms you are experiencing so they can help you adjust your medication or find alternative treatments.

There are signs of emotional numbness.  Following are some of those signs.

Trouble thinking clearly: Victims of trauma may struggle with cognitive function & have trouble focusing & making decisions.

Memory troubles:  Victims of trauma may have difficulty remembering details or events surrounding their trauma.

Over reacting or under reacting:  Victims of trauma may find themselves reacting to situations in an extreme or opposite way to how they would usually react, or they may have little or no reaction.

Have trouble expressing any emotions, whether they’re good or bad:  Victims of trauma may struggle to express their emotions, even those that are typically considered “positive.”

Being indecisive: Victims of trauma may struggle with making decisions & feel paralyzed when faced with choices.

Failing to think much about decisions:  Victims of trauma may avoid making decisions altogether as a way to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

Being unsure about any wants:   Victims of trauma may struggle to know what they want or need, due to a disconnection from their emotions.

Feel disconnected from reality:  Victims of trauma may feel as though they are watching their life from a distance or that they are living in a dream.

While emotional numbness can be a difficult symptom to cope with, there are things you can do to help yourself feel more connected to your emotions. Here are some tips:

Prayer.  Talking to God about your feelings & asking His help too cope will be more helpful than anything.  He is a loving Father, & will be more than happy to help you.

Try journaling: Writing down your thoughts & feelings can help you process your emotions & reconnect with yourself.  Seeing things in writing is a very helpful way to gain clarity on a situation.  Looking back over old entries also will help you to realize how far you’ve come.

Engage in self-care: Taking care of yourself physically & emotionally can help you feel more grounded & connected to your emotions. 

Remember that healing takes time, & it is ok, even normal, to feel numb sometimes.  Be patient & gentle with yourself as you work on your healing.

Healthy Positivity vs Toxic Positivity

There is quite the trend in society to be over the top positive.  Among many Christians, being anything less demonstrates a lack of faith in God or appreciation of His goodness.  Even as a Christian myself, I don’t believe this to be a wise belief.

I read once some time ago that many people who commit suicide are optimists.  They expect only good things to happen, & when that isn’t always the case or when catastrophes strike, they become suicidal.  That made sense to me.  People living in the state of perpetually expecting only good things to happen to them must be highly disappointed on a regular basis.  How could they not be?  Even when life is good, disappointing things still happen sometimes just because that is how life goes.

Being too negative clearly isn’t good either.  Very negative people are just miserable.  I firmly believe the key is to be realistic yet positive.

To do that, you need to know the differences in healthy positivity & toxic positivity.

Healthy positivity recognizes the bad, but also trusts that good can come of it somehow.  One example might be you went on a job interview for a job you really wanted, but felt the interview didn’t go well.  Healthy positivity admits the interview could have gone better but that doesn’t guarantee you won’t get the job.  Or, if you don’t, there are other good jobs out there, so there’s no need to panic.

Toxic positivity refuses to acknowledge any bad.  That job interview situation would be ignored by a toxic positive person.  That person would focus on the one thing that went well & pretend the ten things that went badly didn’t happen.  They would believe the job is theirs, then if it fell through, be shocked & extremely disappointed.

When someone is suffering, a person with healthy positivity will allow the suffering person to talk about it.  They will admit that sometimes things are really hard or painful, but in time, they will get better. 

Someone who functions in toxic positivity behaves much differently.  They say things like, “Stop being so negative!”  “Think happy thoughts!” “Other people have it worse!” These people probably don’t realize it but they are shaming a suffering person for their suffering!  This is the absolute last thing a person needs at such a time!  It’s best to avoid this type of person during dark times.

People who function in toxic positivity simply can’t handle anything negative.  They try to “positive” their way out of the situation by shutting down someone who isn’t as positive as they are.  Even when someone is grieving the death of a loved one, which is a perfectly normal time to be less than happy, they can’t handle this.  So many people tell a grieving person “You should be happy!  He’s not in pain anymore!”  or, “Rejoice!  She’s in Heaven now with her family!” or even, “Now, now.. he wouldn’t want to see you crying!  Just think about the good times!”

Can you see how unhealthy this so called “positivity” is? 

God gave His creation emotions.  All emotions, not only happiness.  Feeling all of those emotions is part of what makes us human.  There is nothing wrong or sinful with feeling disappointed, sad, angry… even Jesus felt these things!  Rather than try to be too positive or allow someone to make you feel bad for not being super positive, why not allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment?  Cry if you need to.  Be angry if you need to.  Remember not to act foolishly out of your emotions of course, but feel them & process them however works best for you.  Write in a journal, talk to a counselor or close friend, pray… whatever works for you isn’t really important so long as it helps you. 

There is also nothing wrong with saying a situation is less than ideal.  Life isn’t easy.  People are flawed & will hurt you sometimes.  It’s ok to admit these things!  That doesn’t make you too negative or a bad person!

Adults Who Were Invalidated In Childhood: The Lasting Effects

Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, but the scars are often invisible.  Children who are invalidated, or told that their feelings & experiences are not valid, carry that pain into adulthood.  The effects can lead to a lack of self-esteem, difficulty with relationships, & a constant need for validation from others.  Today, we’ll discuss signs of invalidation & ways that adults who were invalidated as children may still be impacted by that trauma.

Some common signs of invalidation include:

Telling children to be understanding of those who hurt them: When a child is hurt by someone else, it’s important to validate their feelings & let them know that it’s not ok for someone to hurt them.  If a child is told to just “get over it” or “be the bigger person,” they learn that their own feelings are not important.

Saying they’re oversensitive: Children who are told that they’re “too sensitive” learn to suppress their emotions.  This leads to a lack of emotional regulation & difficulty expressing themselves later in life.

Parents mocked their likes & dreams: When a child is excited about something, whether it’s a new hobby or career aspiration, it’s important to encourage & support them.  However, if a child’s interests are constantly belittled, they learn to hide their passions & desires.

Children who were invalidated develop dysfunctional coping mechanisms to deal with the pain & trauma they experience.  Some common behaviors include:

Seeking validation from others: Adults who were invalidated as children have a constant need for validation from others.  They seek out those who will validate their feelings & experiences, & struggle with feeling like they’re not “good enough” without that validation.

Not allowing themselves to show vulnerability to others: Because adults who were invalidated learned their feelings are not important, they struggle with showing vulnerability to others.  They may feel like they need to appear confidentt, & struggle with asking for help when they need it.

Apologizing often: Adults who were invalidated feel like they’re always in the wrong, even when they’re not.  They apologize excessively or take on blame that isn’t theirs in order to avoid conflict or criticism.

Over-explaining: Because adults who were invalidated learned that their experiences & feelings are not valid, they often feel like they need to explain themselves.  This leads to over-explaining or defending oneself excessively, even when it’s not necessary.

Perfectionism: Adults who were invalidated often feel like they need to be perfect in order to be acceptable or loveable.  They have high expectations for themselves & struggle with failure, which frequently leads to anxiety & depression.

Healing from emotional abuse isn’t easy, but it’s possible.  Some things that are helpful include:

Prayer:  God is the only one who truly understands how you feel.  He made you, so He obviously knows you better than anyone.  Allow Him to help you heal & to teach you what you need to do to heal.

Self-compassion: Learning to be kind & compassionate to oneself is a powerful tool for healing.  Forgive your mistakes easily.  Practice self-care & self-compassion on a regular basis.

Learn to practice self validation rather than relying on others to validate you:  Adults who were invalidated as children need to learn to validate their own feelings & experiences & to value their own opinion of themselves more than that of others.

Invalidation has long-lasting effects on a person’s mental health & ability to form healthy relationships.  However, healing is possible.

Signs Of High Functioning Depression

Depression is not always easy to spot.  People with high functioning depression may appear to be successful & happy on the outside, but inside they are struggling with a constant battle against negative thoughts & emotions.  This type of depression is sometimes referred to as smiling depression, as individuals may appear to be “very together” but are struggling on the inside. 

One of the most common signs of high functioning depression is the need to be constantly busy.  The individual may fill their schedule with work, hobbies, & social events to avoid being alone with their thoughts.  They are trying to avoid their feelings by staying busy.  This person also may feel guilty for taking a break or resting, believing that they are not being productive enough.  However, this constant busyness is exhausting & often leads to burnout. 

Another aspect of this mask of busyness is the constant need to achieve & be productive.  People with high functioning depression may set themselves impossibly high standards & strive for perfection in everything they do.  This can lead to a cycle of self-doubt & self-criticism when they inevitably fall short of their too high expectations.  People who do this believe that their worth is tied to their achievements & productivity, leading to a constant need to prove themselves.

Another sign of high functioning depression is difficulty experiencing joy.  They may feel like they are just going through the motions of life, without any real enjoyment or fulfillment.

People with high functioning depression often have a harsh inner critic.  They may be critical of themselves & others, constantly finding faults & flaws.  This harsh inner critic leads to feelings of inadequacy & a lack of self-worth.  They struggle with making decisions, fearing that they will make the wrong choice or that they are not capable of making the right one, which can lead to analysis paralysis & struggles with making decisions.

The inner critic can also manifest as irritability & a quick temper.  The individual may become easily frustrated with themselves & others, lashing out in anger or becoming withdrawn & silent. 

One of the most insidious aspects of high functioning depression is the mask of perfectionism.  Individuals may appear to have everything together, with a successful career, a loving family, & a busy social life.  However, this mask can be a facade for deep-seated feelings of inadequacy & self-doubt.

People with high functioning depression often struggle with extreme perfectionism, setting impossibly high standards for themselves & striving for perfection in everything they do.  This leads to a constant state of stress & anxiety, as they fear that they will never measure up.  They may struggle with imposter syndrome, feeling like they are a fraud & that one day they will be exposed as such.

Despite their outward appearances, people with high functioning depression may struggle with feelings of worthlessness & a lack of purpose.  They may question the meaning of life & their place in the world.

People with high functioning depression sometimes struggle to recognize that they are depressed, as they may believe that depression is only for those who are unable to function in their daily lives.  However, it is important to recognize that high functioning depression is a real & valid condition that can have serious consequences if ignored.  The depression can become much worse over time or other disorders may manifest in addition to the depression, such as eating disorders or substance abuse.

High functioning depression can be difficult to spot, as individuals may appear to be successful & happy on the outside.  However, the signs of this condition are real & should not be ignored. 

Things Abusive Partners Say

Many abusive people are very quick to judge & criticize victims of their abuse.  They deny the abuse was bad or that it even happened, they criticize how we choose to heal, they criticize us for not forgiving & forgetting the awful behavior & much more. 

For victims who have been abused by someone they love, then are judged & criticized by that person, I know it can be hard not to take your significant other’s thoughtless & cruel words to heart, but try not to!  You are the only one trying to be functional in this dysfunctional situation, & no one else has the right to judge or criticize how you do it or what you do, least of all the person who is abusing you   Please consider the following points.

Did it ever occur to you that you aren’t dumb, easily manipulated or confused because someone’s words & actions didn’t line up?  Who would know what to do in that situation?! That wouldn’t mean someone is dumb, easily manipulated or confused.  It would mean they were simply human. It takes time & learning to learn what to do in the midst of abuse.

You also aren’t high maintenance, demanding or nagging because you want anyone you share your life with to treat you with basic respect & consideration rather than being abusive.  Wanting people to treat you that way is actually a very good thing!  It shows you care about yourself & have self respect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with or bad about that!

Neither are you high maintenance for wanting to communicate with someone with whom you are in a romantic relationship.  This is a normal need that all human beings have, that God put in people.  Secrets don’t have a place in healthy & loving romantic relationships.

There is nothing wrong with you if you become anxious when someone is hot & cold with you.  Normal, functional people don’t send mixed messages to people that they care about by being very affectionate & attentive in then suddenly turning very cold without explanation.  This behavior is what is wrong.  The anxiety it causes is completely normal.

Being anxious is also completely normal when someone suddenly changes plans frequently, limits your access to them, & is vague when discussing personal details.  Any normal person would be put off by such unsettling behavior.  You also don’t have attachment issues or mental illness if you are unwilling to tolerate those behaviors quietly.

There is nothing wrong with you because you want to face the truth rather than constantly ignoring important issues.  Facing the truth is so much healthier than constantly sweeping things under the rug! Dysfunctional people do this because they prefer to avoid pain.  And, abusive people do this as a way to minimize their abusive behavior in the minds of their victims.  It’s a form of gaslighting.

If your significant other says such things to you, please remember what I have said.  I am telling you the truth, NOT your abusive partner!

If You Feel Stupid Or Weak Because You’re In A Relationship With A Narcissist, Please Read This

Every January, I write a blog post with the purpose of encouraging those who maintain a relationship with a narcissist. You’re in a very difficult & painful position. No doubt you also have been judged & criticized harshly. It’s about time for you to receive some kindness for a change.

If you have been unable to end a relationship with a narcissist, this doesn’t mean you’re stupid or weak at all, although I certainly understand why you feel that way.  Fighting a narcissist is mentally & physically draining.  When the time is right, you’ll know it & have the strength to end the relationship. Timing is very important, & maybe you haven’t been able to end the relationship simply because the timing isn’t right.

Narcissists often destroy their victims financially, making them completely dependent on them.  Being in this position doesn’t make you stupid or weak! It means you have been a victim of financial abuse.

Narcissists often make victims feel forced to maintain the relationship with them.  Somehow they make their victims feel they owe the narcissist. My ex husband did that, which is why I married him in spite of not wanting to. Many threaten their victim if he or she says they want to leave.  They threaten to keep them from their children or even kill their children.  They threaten to kill their loved ones or pets.  When this happens, who wouldn’t stay out of fear the narcissist will follow through on such threats?!  That doesn’t make anyone stupid or weak.  It makes you someone who loves others & wants to protect them.

Narcissists also often make their victims feel obligated to the relationship somehow.  They may twist Scripture around to make you seem evil for considering ending the relationship.  Or they may manipulate your good nature & make you pity them.  If that is your situation, it’s manipulation, not stupidity or weakness on your part!

Maybe the narcissist has destroyed your self-esteem so badly, you feel incapable of surviving without that person.  Sadly, this happens all the time!  Feeling this way isn’t a sign of stupidity or weakness at all.  It’s a sign that a great deal of abuse has taken place.

Maintaining a relationship with a narcissist is hard!  It takes a great deal of cunning & strength to maintain your sanity to continue on in such an awful situation.

If ending the relationship is your goal, that is so wise & brave!  It also isn’t the quick, easy fix many people seem to think it is.  If you live with the narcissist, then you know that it’ll take time to prepare financially, to arrange for a new place to live, & more.  Whether or not you live with the narcissist though, it also takes time to figure out the best way to end that relationship to minimize their rage as well as for you to summon the courage to follow through with your plans.

No, you definitely aren’t stupid or weak.  If you’re looking for solutions, that shows you are smart & also strong.  Obviously you want to survive this situation & that courage of yours will pay off.  You will get through this with your dignity & your sanity in tact!

The Dynamics Of Abusive Families

Being abused by family members is a horrible & traumatic experience.  It can leave you feeling scared, alone, & confused at best, living with PTSD or C-PTSD at worst.

If you have been abused by a family member, it’s so important to remember that you are not to blame.  Nothing done to you was your fault!  The blame lies squarely on the shoulders of your abuser!  Many families don’t see things that way, however.  They blame the victim & defend the abuser.  It’s so shocking that people you thought cared about you attack you rather than offer love & support.  It even can make you wonder if they’re right & you are to blame. 

I want to reassure you today that is absolutely NOT the case!  These people choose to see you as the compliant, victim that you were as a child.  They don’t see you as a capable, intelligent adult.  The reason for this is the cowardice of such people.

Families with at least one abuser are a highly dysfunctional group of people.  Ironically, usually the victim is the most functional, healthy person in the bunch, because they are often the only person willing to discuss the abuse, set boundaries & work on living a healthy life.  Other relatives don’t want any parts of this.  If they admit one of their relatives is an abusive monster, it shatters their delusions that the family member they love isn’t as wonderful as they thought.  It’s hard to deal with learning someone you think highly of is a horrible person, & cowardly people avoid that.

Another problem many people in these dysfunctional families have with recognizing a relative is abusive is it shatters the delusion they have of their family being wonderful or even perfect.  They have created this façade of being just one big happy family, & admitting one of them is a monster would be undeniable proof that their family isn’t so great.

People like this often have been abused either by the same relative who abused you or a different relative, & are too afraid of their pain to deal with it in a healthy way.  Instead, they deny any abuse ever took place, & not only in their life, but in other people’s lives.  If they can normalize abuse, then what happened to them was ok.  Often, people like this feel shame for what was done to them, & convincing themselves that what happened was ok also proves to them that they are ok.

Older family members in such families are the ones expected to protect the children.  When they fail to do so, there is a lot of guilt involved, whether or not they realize it.  If they can deny abuse happened or find a way to blame the victim, they are absolved of any guilt in their mind. 

Abusers find ways to blame victims.  In the dysfunctional family setting, doing this makes it acceptable to abuse the victim.  Anyone & everyone can treat the victim however badly they want to, because it’s ok.  That victim then becomes the scapegoat for all of the family problems.  This works out well for the family because they don’t have to change, do any self reflection or improvements.

If you’re in this situation, my heart truly goes out to you!  I know the pain & frustration of this since I have lived it myself.  You’re not alone!  My Facebook group is full of caring, supportive people who have experienced this type of behavior.  You’re welcome to join if you like! 

It also helps to remember that you’re not crazy or to blame for any of this.  If you’re struggling to do that, the best piece of advice I know to give you is pray.  God will help ground you & show you the truth.  He’s done it with me countless times & will be glad to do it for you too. 

Sometimes Illness & Injury Can Make Us Self Centered

When we think of narcissism, we often associate it with selfish & self centered individuals who only care about themselves.  However, sometimes when a person becomes seriously ill or injured, they may exhibit similar behavior.  It’s crucial to recognize that this self centeredness doesn’t necessarily mean they are true narcissists.  Instead, it stems from the necessity to focus on their healing or adapting to a new disability.

As someone who has experienced this firsthand, I can attest to the profound impact serious health concerns can have on one’s perspective & behavior.  After barely surviving carbon monoxide poisoning, I found myself constantly thinking about my own well being.  Simple tasks that were once effortless became daunting, as was the fear of never fully recovering.  This experience made me realize the importance of acknowledging & addressing this self centeredness. 

When faced with a severe illness or injury, individuals often find themselves forced to prioritize their own well being.  Whether it’s the physical healing process or adjusting to life with a disability, the focus becomes very centered on oneself.  This shift in perspective is not necessarily a sign of narcissism but rather a necessary response to the immediate challenges at hand.

During my recovery from carbon monoxide poisoning, I had to redirect my attention to the simplest tasks that I once performed effortlessly.  Suddenly simple things became monumental endeavors.  The fear of not fully recovering & the uncertainty of the future intensified this self centeredness.  It was a survival mechanism, a way to cope with my “new normal” but it easily could have become a problem in my relationships.

It’s important to remember that when someone is going through this self centered phase, they may not even realize it themselves.  They are deeply immersed in their own struggles & challenges that make it difficult for them to consider others as they once did.  This realization can help us approach them with empathy & understanding while also helping them to broaden their focus.

When someone we care about is going through a serious health concern, they need plenty of reassurance & support.  Letting them know that you are there for them can provide a sense of comfort & help alleviate some of their fears & anxieties.  It’s also equally important to prioritize your own well being in the process.

As a caregiver or supporter, it’s easy to get caught up in the needs & demands of the person who needs your help.  While you can be there for them, it’s equally crucial to take care of yourself.  Neglecting your own needs leads to burnout & resentment, ultimately hindering your ability to provide the support they need & taking a toll on your mental health.

Changing the subject sometimes to your own experiences or challenges can be a gentle way to introduce the idea that they may be talking about themselves excessively.  By sharing your own stories & struggles, you can subtly encourage them to broaden their conversations & shift their focus.  However, this approach should be handled delicately, ensuring that they are open to such discussions & receptive to feedback.

It’s important to recognize that this self centeredness is not limited to any specific group of individuals.  Anyone facing significant health challenges can exhibit these behaviors. 

By recognizing the underlying reasons for this behavior, we can avoid labeling individuals as narcissists who don’t deserve that label.  Instead, we can offer support, reassurance, & gentle guidance to help them navigate their journey.

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Why Victims Of Child Abuse Are Often Drawn To Unusual Things

Growing up with a childhood of abuse has many deep lasting effects that follow us into adulthood.  One of those effects can be an attraction to things that are unusual or have been judged negatively by society.  People from childhoods marked by abuse often find themselves drawn to things others may not understand.  For example, it’s not uncommon for those with histories of child abuse to be drawn to thunderstorms, scary stories, true crime documentaries, abandoned homes, old furniture, animals that are feared, & plants that are perceived to be “weeds.”

This kind of unusual attraction can be because on some level, these unusual things provide solace and comfort to the abuse survivors, a sense of kinship that has been absent from their lives.  When a person has grown up knowing fully well that they are unloved & unwanted, it is natural for them to develop an affinity for things of life that have been discarded by other people.

When abuse survivors encounter unusual things like old toys or animals that nobody seems to care about, they unconsciously recognize something familiar in those objects or creatures.  They empathize with them & the rejection they have endured.  They also want to let them know that they are not the only ones who have been ostracized.  Child abuse survivors can also develop a powerful bond with the natural world.  Storms, in particular, give them a feeling of inner peace.

Another reason why victims of child abuse are often drawn to unusual things is that it provides a sense of comfort & security — something that was often lacking in an abusive childhood.  These unusual things won’t reject them as their parents did, & in the case of animals, offer them unconditional love, possibly for the first time in their life.

Being drawn to scary stories & true crime offer an outlet for the feelings they never were able to feel for themselves.  It’s perfectly acceptable to feel compassion & empathy for victims in such stories, which gives victims a safe outlet for those emotions they should’ve been allowed to feel for themselves.

Another common behavior for a child abuse survivor may be when they find insects in their home to let them out unharmed instead of crushing them, as though life is too precious to be taken away from anyone – even the smallest of creatures.  The feeling of wanting no one & no thing to feel the way they have been feeling is, by its nature, a deeply profound & powerful emotion, which explains why child abuse survivors develop an affinity with the unusual.

The ability to find solace in the unusual can show tremendous strength & resilience in the face of adversity.  It gives victims of child abuse a way to take back control of their lives & find something positive in a situation where many would see only darkness.  By finding joy in strange & unusual things, victims of child abuse can reclaim their lives & find a newfound sense of self-worth.

Subtleties Of Covert Narcissism

Most information that is readily available about Narcissistic Personality Disorder describes overt narcissists.  They are the ones who are loud, openly critical, cruel & easier to identify.  Unfortunately, there isn’t nearly as much information available about their quieter & more sinister counterpart, covert narcissists.  Today I hope to help you understand them a bit better.

Covert narcissists are much more difficult to identify.  They are quieter than their loud counterparts, which helps them to fade quietly into the background.  While being narcissists, they naturally want attention, they will sacrifice some attention if it means they can abuse without confrontation.

They appear very nice & often quite naïve.  This makes it much harder to identify them.  It also creates cognitive dissonance, because it’s so hard to believe that a person who appears so nice & innocent is actually cruel, manipulative & downright sinister.

Covert narcissists get their attention in different, quieter & more subtle ways than their overt counterparts.  They give to the point of appearing martyr-like to their family, friends, job or church.  They “let it slip” how much they have done to help other people.  They paint pictures of themselves as very good, generous & caring people.  They may appear truly good, generous & caring but the truth is the admiration from this false image of themselves is all they want.  They truly don’t care about helping or doing for other people.

They are very passive/aggressive.  They will claim that everything is fine, they are happy with you, but they will do things that deliberately hurt you.  Covert narcissists are adept with using the silent treatment, using it to inflict the most pain possible, & leaving their victim feeling baffled not knowing why they are suddenly not worth the narcissist’s attention.  They conveniently “forget” important things, such as dates & events that are important to their victims.  They say or do hurtful things while claiming they didn’t know that what they said or did would hurt their victim or they were just trying to help.  This wicked behavior leaves victims feeling as if they can’t be mad at the narcissist because what they did was an honest mistake.  Meanwhile, victims suffer in silence.

In addition to being passive/aggressive, they are incredibly sneaky.  They quietly say things to their victims in the presence of other people that upset the victim, then when the victim reacts, they claim the victim is unstable, cruel or abusive.  No one else heard what was said, so they believe the narcissist over the irrational acting victim.  Or, they say & do the most hurtful things they can to their victims when no one else is around.  That way, if the victim talks about the abuse, they aren’t believed. 

They know just what to say to inflict the most pain on their victims.  Anything important to victims is going to be attacked by covert narcissists, & in such a way as to leave them plausible deniability if the victim gets angry.  They will claim they didn’t mean it as the victim took it, they were just trying to help or they were concerned.

If you meet someone that appears to be especially nice, who says & does all the “right” things, yet something feels off about this person, you may be in the presence of a covert narcissist.  Trust your instincts.  Something feels off about this person for a reason!  Pay attention to their behavior & watch your back.  Time will tell if this person is a covert narcissist or not. 

Understanding Shame Based Trauma Responses

Shame based trauma means growing up in an environment where every mistake, every flaw, & every aspect of your true self was met with shame & ridicule.  Whether it was through emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, the shame inflicted during formative years leaves a lasting impact on adult lives.  Healing is possible, but it takes some time & learning who we are as children of God. 

Overthinking is a common response to shame based trauma as it becomes a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from any possible abusive reaction.  Constantly analyzing every situation & anticipating potential negative outcomes allows us to stay one step ahead, or so we believe.  However, overthinking is exhausting & detrimental to our mental health.

When we have been shamed for even normal aspects of ourselves such as appearance, personality, or interests, it becomes ingrained in our psyche that we must constantly be on guard.  We second guess our decisions, replay conversations in our minds, & obsess over every detail.  Overthinking becomes a way to avoid potential shame & criticism, but it also keeps us trapped in a cycle of self doubt & anxiety.

To break free from overthinking, it is crucial to challenge shame based beliefs that fuel this response.  Learn to question these beliefs, & ask God to tell you the truth about them, rather than simply accepting them.

Another common response to shame based trauma is over apologizing.  When we have been shamed for the most basic aspects of ourselves, we develop a deep fear of conflict & a desire to avoid further abuse.  Apologizing excessively becomes a way to deescalate situations & minimize the chance for conflict.

However, this constant need to apologize can be detrimental to self esteem.  It reinforces the belief that we are inherently flawed & responsible for the actions of others.  Over apologizing also can lead to feelings of resentment or frustration in our relationships.

To overcome over apologizing, it is essential to recognize that we have a right to take up space, have & express needs, & set boundaries.  Building self confidence & assertiveness skills can help us find a balance between acknowledging our mistakes & taking responsibility, without unnecessarily apologizing for who we are.

Shame based trauma can also impact our ability to trust ourselves & others.  When we have been shamed for not meeting unrealistic expectations or for failing to blindly trust those who hurt & abuse us, we begin to doubt our intuition & judgment.  This leads to being too trusting as a defense mechanism, as we fear the consequences of not trusting others.

Being too trusting leads to further abuse & exploitation.  We find ourselves repeatedly drawn to toxic relationships or falling prey to manipulators & abusers, leading to repeated disappointment & betrayal.

Rebuilding trust in ourselves & others requires healing & learning.  It involves recognizing & validating our own emotions & intuition, setting healthy boundaries, & surrounding ourselves with only safe, supportive & trustworthy people. 

After a lack of healthy bonding to abusive parents, it is natural to experience anxiety in connecting with others.  The innate human desire for connection remains, but the fear of being hurt or rejected becomes deeply ingrained.  This fear can manifest as social anxiety, fear of intimacy, or difficulty forming & maintaining relationships.

When we have been shamed for the most fundamental aspects of ourselves, we may struggle with feelings of unworthiness & a belief that we are inherently unlovable.  This makes it challenging to trust others & reveal our true selves, as we fear being met with further shame & rejection.

Overcoming this anxiety requires self compassion, healing & exposure to safe people.  It is also important to remember that we are not defined by our past experiences & that we have the capacity to form healthy & fulfilling connections.

Shame based trauma responses have a profound impact on our thoughts, behaviors, & relationships.  However, through getting to know who God says we are, self awareness, & healing, we can break free from these patterns & cultivate a life filled with self acceptance, healthy boundaries, & meaningful connections.

Yet Another Tactic Narcissists Use To Abuse

Narcissists are well known for having a plethora of incredibly devious & effective ways to abuse their victims.  In fact, it seems like there is no end to the weapons in their arsenal.  I’ve been learning about narcissistic abuse since 2011 & I still learn of new tactics sometimes.  The latest one I’ve learned is called dog whistling.

There is a whistle that is so high pitched in its tone that humans can’t hear it, but dogs can.  Similarly, narcissists will use this type of gaslighting with their victims when they are around other people.  The look or comment seems completely innocuous but it is anything but.  Victims know it is meant to upset them, yet others around have no idea why a victim would be bothered by such a thing. 

The most obvious dog whistling example from my life that comes to mind involves my late mother in-law, & it happened many years before I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  My mother in-law told no one other than me just how much she disapproved of & even hated my car.  She told me this often for quite some time, in fact.  It was just one of the many ways she used to let me know I wasn’t good enough to be a part of her family.  Over time, when my husband & I visited his parents, we stopped taking my car & only took his.  I was tired of her rude comments, & this was one way I thought I could avoid them.  Then during one visit, in front of my husband, his mother said to me that she hadn’t seen my car in quite a while & asked if it was running alright.  Immediately I was livid, because I knew that this was no innocent question.  She was making yet another snide comment about my car.  It was her way of saying it’s a broken down piece of junk without saying those words & showing anyone how disrespectful she was to me.  I snapped back to her that it was running just fine, don’t worry about it.  My husband was upset with me for snapping at his mother, because it sounded to him like his mother just asked an innocent question.  After all, she hadn’t seen my car in a while, just his.  He never heard her constant criticisms of my car, because she only said those things when she & I were alone.  She also came across innocently asking a simple question, so why would he think her motives were anything but innocent?  I was the only one who heard that particular dog whistle.  It worked well for her though, because not only did she get to insult me, she started a fight between my husband & I.

This is how dog whistling works.  It involves something that only the victim knows, preferably something they feel very strongly about, & is done in front of witnesses.  The goal is to get the victim very upset, & other people who see this don’t understand why the victim would be upset.  They didn’t think what the narcissist said or did was anything bad at all.  The victim looks oversensitive, unreasonable & even mentally unstable while the narcissist looks completely innocent.  An added bonus for the narcissist in this situation is if the incident causes conflict in the victim’s relationships.

If you are subjected to this dog whistling tactic, you can cope with it.  I always recommend prayer before dealing with narcissists.  Asking God to give you creative ways to handle them is one prayer I found to be particularly useful.  

Also, remember Gray Rock.  As difficult as it can be, do NOT react!  Show the narcissist that their dog whistle isn’t working.  They may push harder, but do not react then either!  I know this is hard, believe me, but it is well worth it in the long run.  The less you react to a narcissist, the more likely it is that they will give up using this particular abusive tactic with you.  Focus on the big picture if that helps you to avoid reacting.  Also, take a deep breath & let it out as soon as you recognize what he or she is doing.  This simple action slows your mind & body down briefly, which allows you to compose yourself enough to avoid showing any reaction to the narcissist.  

When Abuse From Narcissists Makes Victims Behave Certain Ways, & Narcissists Get Mad About It

Narcissists are notoriously impossible to please.  They love to tell victims they expect them to do a certain thing, then when victims come close to accomplishing that thing or actually do accomplish it, suddenly narcissists say that isn’t good enough, they want something more or better, or maybe even say the victim didn’t even pay attention because they never wanted that in the first place.  Victims never can please narcissists because not pleasing them keeps victims under their control.

Another way narcissists are impossible to please is to tear their victims down, destroy their self esteem, make them doubt their own minds to the point they rely on the narcissist for about everything, then narcissists complain about the victim being the way they are. 

This behavior is utterly crazy making!  But, when you’re in this situation, it may not seem that way.  When you are in the throws of narcissistic abuse, this is your normal. 

If you are in this type of situation now, I have some thoughts that can help you.

No doubt the narcissist in your life has made you feel like you are a failure & disappointing them.  You can’t do anything right, you aren’t smart, successful or attractive enough.  Even if they don’t say the words out loud, they are implied, & they hurt.  Yet, if you speak up, you are labelled oversensitive, can’t take a joke or they claim they say such things to help you improve yourself.  You need to know that these things aren’t said because they’re true.  They’re said by a narcissist trying to exert complete control over you.  The only thing that is true of all of these things is you are disappointing the narcissist but that isn’t because you have done something wrong.  It’s because narcissists are impossible to please.  Everyone disappoints them because they expect the impossible from people.  And honestly, even if somehow you managed to do the impossible, they would say you didn’t do it right or you didn’t do it good enough to meet their expectations somehow. 

Normal & functional people don’t try to hurt & manipulate people, then get upset when their victims turn out a certain way as a direct result of the abuse.  Normal people accept the fact there are consequences for their behavior.  They know if they treat someone badly, that person is going to be upset with them.  They also know that treating someone badly is going to result in some specific behavior from that person, & that is only natural.  They wouldn’t be surprised by it if they did mistreat someone.  Only the most toxic of people not only abuse others but are offended when their victims act a certain way as a result of that abuse.

The next time the narcissist in your life gets mad at you for having a perfectly normal reaction to their treatment of you, I hope you will remember what I have said.  Just because you have failed to please a narcissist doesn’t mean that the failure is your responsibility.  The problem lies squarely on the shoulders of the narcissist who is trying to manipulate you, not with you.

Extreme Independence Is A Trauma Response

Many of us who have been abused have turned out to be extremely independent.  Although we have relationships in our lives, we try not to rely on other people at all, often even when we really need some help.  And, we often end up angry & resentful because people are so willing to let us help them while they rarely help us.  This makes us withdraw & maintain our independence or even become even more independent.  This behavior reinforces our lack of needing help to others in our lives, so they help or offer to help us even less, & the dysfunctional cycle continues.

Extreme independence is a trauma response in many people, & it happens for valid reasons. 

When you grow up with abusive parents, you learn people can’t be trusted to help you.  Abusive parents fail to meet many of their children’s most basic needs.  Even if they provide food, clothing & shelter, they fail to provide emotional support, to teach their children basic life skills & more.  Instead, they teach their children not to expect them to take care of them, becoming angry with them if they do.  Such treatment teaches children that if they want to avoid other people’s anger, disappointment or being hurt, they need to rely only on themselves when they have needs.

Narcissistic parents are possibly the most effective abusive parents when it comes to creating extremely independent children.  They are too self absorbed to notice let alone care about their children’s needs.  Many also expect their children to take care of them instead of them taking care of their children.  Children in these situations aren’t allowed needs, only the parent is allowed to have them, so children learn to meet their own needs quietly without inconveniencing their parent.  These children also have learned a very painful lesson.  That lesson is when they “bother” their parent with their needs, they are a burden & disappointment to that parent.  Overt narcissistic parents often rage at their children for having the audacity to bother them with their needs.  Covert narcissistic parents are quieter, but still make sure their children know they shouldn’t inconvenience their parent with their needs.  They act disappointed in their child, making the child feel guilty or even ashamed of themselves.  Many narcissistic parents also twist the situation around to return the focus back on the parent.  They may claim they work so hard & sacrifice so much for their child, yet all he or she does is want more.  Or if the parent doesn’t want to meet the child’s need, that parent may claim they are unable to do anything about meeting this need, & even make their child feel badly for them.

Other abusive relationships can cause someone to become extremely independent, too.  Consider the significant other who is too busy with other people to help you when needed or the friend who constantly asks for your help but never helps you.  After being disappointed by these people repeatedly, most people naturally will pull away from them & ask less of them & other people.

If you are extremely independent, learning to be more balanced isn’t easy.  I know, because I struggle with this too.  I also can tell you there is no magical fix for this problem.  It takes time & a willingness to change.  Asking God to help you is the best place to start in my opinion, then do whatever He says to do.  Following His lead will put you on the right path.  Also ask the safe people in your life for help sometimes.  They will be very glad to help you, even if that help is simply to encourage you.  Doing this will help you to gain confidence in the area of asking for help.

Lastly, always continue to learn & grow.  The healthier you become, the easier it becomes to lose toxic habits & mindsets, & also to have a more balanced view of independence.

Normalizing Abnormal Behavior: A Sign Of Dysfunction & Abuse

Imagine an environment where the abnormal becomes normalized, & the normal is deemed abnormal.  Dysfunctional & abusive individuals thrive in these distorted realities.  They manipulate & control others by distorting their perception of what is normal & what is not.  This behavior needs to be understood by everyone so we can empower & protect ourselves.

When someone experiences abuse or trauma, it can be incredibly difficult to face the painful reality.  To protect themselves from the overwhelming emotions & memories, some dysfunctional individuals resort to normalizing abnormal behavior.  By convincing themselves & those around them that deviant actions or attitudes inflicted on them are acceptable, they create a narrative to shield them from the truth they are afraid to confront.

For example, consider a woman who is abused by her partner.  Instead of acknowledging the abuse, she convinces herself that his behavior is normal.  She may tell herself that he is just stressed, that he loves her deep down, or that she deserves this treatment due to her own shortcomings.  By normalizing the abuse, she avoids facing the painful reality that someone she loves is hurting her.  This coping mechanism allows her to maintain the illusion of a stable relationship & prevents her from having to make difficult decisions.

Victims of narcissistic abuse often fall into this trap as well.  Narcissists excel at manipulating others & distorting their perception of reality.  They gaslight victims, making them doubt their own experiences & emotions.  As a result, victims may begin to question their sanity & accept the narcissist’s abnormal behavior as normal.  This normalization of abuse enables the narcissist to continue abusing their victim & maintain their power.

While dysfunctional individuals may use normalizing abnormal behavior as a coping mechanism, abusive individuals employ this tactic as a means of control.  Abusers start by gradually introducing abnormal behavior & convincing their victims that it is normal within the context of their relationship.  They may make derogatory comments disguised as jokes, invade their partner’s privacy, or isolate them from friends & family.  By making their victims accept & internalize their abusive actions, they effectively maintain power & dominance over them.  This insidious manipulation creates an environment where abuse becomes normal.

My first marriage is an excellent example of this.  My ex husband constantly belittled me, dismissed my feelings, & manipulated me into thinking I was always the problem.  He rationalized his behavior by saying other women weren’t like me.  By normalizing his abusive actions & making my healthy objections seem abnormal, he gained control over me.  In time, I believed he was right, I deserved this treatment & that it was a normal part of a relationship, which enabled him to continue & escalate his abuse.

Identifying the signs of normalizing abnormal & abnormalizing normal behavior is crucial in protecting ourselves from toxic people. 

One key red flag to watch out for is gaslighting, or manipulating someone’s perceptions of reality, making them doubt their own experiences & memory.  If someone consistently downplays or dismisses your concerns, emotions, or the impact of hurtful or abusive actions, it’s a sign that they are attempting to normalize abnormal behavior.  And, if they say something is wrong with you for your normal or healthy wants, feelings, likes, behaviors, beliefs, etc., that is a red flag that they’re trying to make the normal, abnormal.

Also, trust your intuition.  If something feels off, listen to your gut instinct.  Our intuition senses when something is abnormal or unhealthy, well before our rational mind.  Pay attention to any feelings of unease or discomfort.  Ask God for clarity & seek support from safe individuals who can provide a fresh perspective.

Normalizing abnormal behavior or making normal behavior abnormal is dangerous behavior.  By recognizing the red flags & understanding these tactics, we can protect ourselves.  As anyone who wants healthy relationships, it is crucial to reject these toxic behaviors & foster an environment of love, respect, & authenticity.

Bringing Darkness Into The Light

Many people shy away from talking about negative experiences or unpleasant topics out of fear of being labeled judgmental, intolerant or lacking faith in God.  However, Ephesians 5:11 encourages us to bring everything into the light, including things that belong to the darkness.  

Ephesians 5:11 in the Good News Bible says, “Have nothing to do with the worthless things that people do, things that belong to the darkness. Instead, bring them out to the light.”  Paul is warning the Ephesians about the dangers of things like immorality, impurity, & greed.  He also encourages them to expose the works of darkness.

As Christians, we are called to live in the light & to expose the darkness.  This means that we cannot ignore or avoid unpleasant topics, but must confront them head-on.

Many people avoid negative topics because they want to focus on positive things & avoid anything that might bring them down.  While this is understandable, it’s also unhealthy.  When we ignore negative topics, we are not dealing with reality or acknowledging pain & suffering.

Furthermore, when we avoid negative topics, we may be inadvertently perpetuating problems.  By not speaking out against injustice, we allow it to continue.  By not acknowledging our own struggles, we prevent ourselves from getting the help we need to overcome them.  Avoiding negative topics also can lead to anxiety, depression, & other health problems.

When we discuss negative topics, we are no longer hiding from reality, but are confronting it, which allows us to experience healing & freedom.  When we are open about our sins & struggles to others, we can receive forgiveness, help & support.  When we expose injustice & oppression, we can work towards change & justice.  

We never should let anyone silence us.  We are called to be bold & courageous in speaking the truth, even if it is unpopular.  Of course, this does not mean that we should be rude or insensitive.  We should always speak the truth in love & with compassion. 

Furthermore, when we are open & honest about our own struggles, we give others permission to do the same.  We create a safe space where people can be vulnerable & authentic, & where healing & growth can occur.

Avoiding negative topics also shields people from the consequences that they should experience to show them that they need to change.   It prevents them from seeing the truth & from seeking forgiveness & redemption.

Some people may argue that confronting negative topics shows a lack of faith in God.  However, this is not true.  In fact, confronting negative topics requires a great deal of faith.  It requires trust that God is in control & that He can bring good out of even the most difficult situations.  Confronting negative topics is an important part of spiritual growth & maturity.  It allows us to see the world as it truly is & to respond to it in a way that is consistent with our faith.

While it is important to confront negative topics, it is also important to balance them with positive ones.  We should not dwell on negativity or allow it to consume us any more than we should focus only on positive topics.  We should strive to be a source of positivity & encouragement to others.  We should be quick to offer a kind word, a listening ear, or a helping hand to those in need.  We also should celebrate the successes & victories of others, & give thanks to God for all that He has done.  This is how we can confront the darkness while also shining a light on the hope & joy that is found in God.

In short, God gives us the strength & courage to confront negative topics with love & compassion. As His children, we are to be bold & courageous, always speaking the truth, even if it is unpopular.  We must balance negative topics with positive ones, & always confront negative topics in light of the gospel.