Secrecy & Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists & their always devoted enablers or flying monkeys have a very long list of demands for victims of narcissistic abuse.  Up close to the top, if not at the top, of that list of demands is silence.  They may tell victims not to tell anyone about what they do, or it may be implied, but the demand that their victims be silent about the abuse forever is there nonetheless.  And, if a victim breaks this rule, those who demand that silence will punish that victim severely for their disobedience.

When I was a teenager & my mother’s abuse was at its worst, I went through this often.  My mother didn’t say the words, “Don’t tell anyone about what I do to you,” but I still had no doubt that the rule was in place anyway.  If she even suspected I was talking to anyone about what she did to me, she would rage & scream at me to try to humiliate me for “airing our dirty laundry.” 

You may be wondering why are narcissists & their enablers such fans of secrecy.  That is because they are afraid of getting caught.  If a narcissist’s actions are well known, they no longer will be looked at as the wonderful person they want people to think they are.  People will see they aren’t perfect, & narcissists can’t handle that. 

These abusers also want to be able to continue abusing their victims, & if they are found out, they would have to stop.  This is unacceptable to narcissists.

There is a very simple solution to this situation that would guarantee no one will tell others just how abusive narcissists are.  That answer is very simple & logical.  The answer is for narcissists to stop abusing people. 

Sadly, narcissists prefer to take chances that their victims won’t stay silent forever than to change their behavior.  They would much rather bully, guilt & shame their victims into silence over changing their ways, because their entitlement is much more of a priority to them than doing what is right.

The entitlement of narcissists truly knows no bounds.  They clearly believe they are entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it, however they want to get it, & no matter who it may hurt.  Their entitlement clearly extends to their desire for their victims to stay silent about the abuse.  Staying silent benefits them & in their minds, that is all that matters.  The fact it hurts their victims is irrelevant. 

And, as a bit of a side note about silence about narcissistic abuse…

Since the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental disorder, this leads many people to think that narcissists don’t know that their behavior causes other people pain & suffering & they can’t control their behavior.  Since it’s called a disorder,that makes sense to most people.  However, the cluster B personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder describe a long term pattern of behavior & experiences, not necessarily a damaged brain that renders them unable to control their actions.  This means that narcissists know the difference between right & wrong, they just lack the empathy to care about it.  If you have wondered if the narcissist in your life truly knows what they’re doing is wrong, secrecy is a great way to figure it out.  Someone who knows their behavior is wrong will demand secrecy from their victim.  They also will go to great lengths to hide their behavior.  A person who genuinely doesn’t know right from wrong won’t care about hiding it.  Why would they?  To them, their behavior is fine so they have nothing to hide.

If you have been subjected to narcissistic abuse, then I want to encourage you today to talk about it.  Doing so well help you to heal, help other victims know that this secret isn’t theirs to carry & help raise awareness about narcissistic abuse.  I know it’s scary at first, but it really will be worth it!  The more you talk, the more you heal & help others.

Another Way To Identify Toxic People

As I’ve written about before, I have had a lot of really bad relationships in my life.  Many relationships with my relatives, in-laws, friends & ex husband were absolutely terrible.  So many of these people were either not good people or full blown narcissists, & the one good thing about it all is I learned ways to spot toxic people quickly.  That skill serves me quite well!

One way to spot a toxic person quickly is when it comes to favors.  Upon meeting someone, doing things for each other shouldn’t be on the table.  Doing things for each other should take some time & getting to know each other.  This isn’t how toxic people work though. 

The average toxic person who isn’t a narcissist won’t hesitate to ask someone they just met for favors.  They start out small, maybe something like asking if you can give them a ride somewhere you’re already planning on going or at least close to that place, or they ask you to pick up their mail while they are out of town.  Once someone like this sees you’re willing to do those small favors, they’ll ask you for slightly bigger ones, maybe for you to drop something off at the post office or pick up their prescription for them.  If you do those things, they will ask for bigger favors & before you know it, you feel as if your life centers around this freeloading person’s needs. 

Narcissists are different than these average toxic people in many ways, including in this way.  Narcissists don’t start the relationship out with asking people they just met for favors, even small ones.  Instead, they are the ones who initiate doing favors for other people.  If a narcissist sees that you have a need, even if they barely know you, they may offer to meet that need.  Ideally for them, the need will be pretty big, but any need will do.  In this situation, they often make you feel as if you must let them do this favor for you.  It feels uncomfortable, & if you don’t know what is happening, you most likely will let them meet that need for you.  Once they can accomplish this, chances are good they will try to do more favors for you, all while refusing to accept any form of payback for what they did.  And this is where the trouble begins for victims in this situation.

Accepting favors from narcissists creates a big problem, & that problem is that they feel that because they did something for you, you now owe them.  There is nothing worse than a narcissist who feels you owe them, either, because they will demand their payment in ways that hurt you.

One example from my life happened not long after I met my now ex husband.  At the time, my mother abused me daily, often repeatedly in a day’s time.  One day she picked me up for my lunch break at work, & spent that hour screaming at me.  By the time I got back to work, I was very upset.  My ex saw this & asked what happened.  I told him.  He said, “I wish I could marry you & take you away from this.  Will you marry me?”  Being freshly traumatized & wanting an out, I naturally said yes.  I broke up with him some time later, but did end up going on to marry him because I felt so obligated to him partly because of what he said when he proposed. 

When narcissists are so willing to do something for another person, it is a way they make someone feel obligated to them & also bond that person to them.  The more bonded & obligated a person is, the more that person is willing to tolerate from the narcissist. 

If you are in the position of feeling that you owe a narcissist, then it’s time to stop feeling that way!  You don’t owe them your peace, joy, mental health, self esteem… you owe them NOTHING!  Just because they may have done some things for you doesn’t mean you owe them such things.  Don’t allow them to make you feel obligated as my ex made me feel.  You don’t deserve that!  Remind yourself of why they did whatever they did for you, & how cruel that is. 

And, if you just met someone who is quite anxious to do favors for you, don’t let them if at all possible.  Pay attention to this person’s actions, & you will see quickly whether or not they are a narcissist.  If they are, treat them accordingly & avoid them.

Another Way To Cope With Narcissists

As I’ve mentioned many times in my writing before, narcissists are impossible to avoid completely, unless you are willing to live in a cave & avoid all human contact.  Thankfully, the more you heal from narcissistic abuse, the less narcissists want to do with you because you have learned how to avoid becoming their victim.  Even so, there are still going to be times you can’t avoid them entirely, & today I want to offer a tip to help you during those times.

Whether that narcissist is someone close to you such as a spouse or parent, or they are that awful new coworker, narcissistic abuse always feels very personal.  That is part of what makes it so intensely painful.  I have come to learn that if you can remove that personal feeling, not only does the abuse hurt less, but it also allows you to think clearer about how best to deal with the narcissist. 

One of the ways I have learned to make narcissistic abuse feel less personal is to remember that these people are extremely damaged somehow.  Obviously, that damage is no excuse to behave as they do, so please don’t think I’m saying that because they are damaged, you must forgive & forget, & tolerate their abuse.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I am saying that remembering they are damaged & that is why they are so cruel to you can benefit you by helping their abuse feel less personal.

I don’t believe people are born narcissists.  They become narcissists through a variety of circumstances such as being spoiled, neglected or abused as children, a brain injury, physical health problems which made them depend on other people & I’m sure many other ways of which I am unaware at this time.  Something made them realize that a narcissistic behavior got what they wanted, so they did it again & again.  They also continually added to their repertoire over time.  This distanced them from whatever started them down the path to becoming a narcissist, so they gladly continued their behavior rather than face their pain.  

I also believe that by doing the things they do, they have closed a door to God & opened another wide to the devil & his minions.  I honestly can’t say I believe all narcissists are demon possessed, but I do believe some are & many are at least under an evil influence.  As narcissists come to believe they are superior beings & entitled to whatever they want, they won’t recognize the evil working in their lives, so they do nothing about it.  They also have no motivation to make changes.  Hurting people isn’t enough of a motivating factor for a narcissist to want to change.

If you can keep things like this in mind, it truly does take a lot of the pain out of narcissistic abuse, because you realize it’s not personal.  They are acting as they are because of their own dysfunction, selfishness & even cowardice for not facing whatever set them on this path in the first place.  None of that has anything to do with you.  You just happen to be a convenient target.

Also by keeping this in mind, it allows you to think logically & less emotionally.  This comes in very handy when you need to find ways to deal with this person & set healthy boundaries.  Emotions can cloud your thinking so easily in these situations.  It helps having the ability to keep them at bay.

If you consider the things I mentioned, you do need to be aware of not going too far out of balance in your feelings.  I have made this mistake.  Many years ago, for a brief time, I felt very sorry for my mother in-law, a covert narcissist.  She took advantage of that, & her abuse got worse & worse.  That is why I believe the value of balance in this is vital!  It is very possible to feel compassion for a person while having the wisdom not to pity them enough to tolerate abuse.  Finding balance shows the narcissist they can’t manipulate, control, hurt or even fluster you.  And, you still hold onto your kindness & humanity by having the ability to feel sorry that they experienced something so bad that it set them on this terrible path.

Signs You Grew Up Subjected To Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that leaves a person doubting their own perceptions, feelings, & even sanity.  It occurs when someone manipulates another person into questioning their own reality, making them feel like they are losing their mind.  Gaslighting is a common tactic used by abusers, & it often occurs within families.

Gaslighting families work to convince everyone that everything that happens in their family is normal & good, including abuse.  Those subjected to it grow up thinking, “Am I the only one who feels like this is wrong?”  “Am I crazy?”  “Why am I upset about this?”  This leads to intense self-l doubt & has long term effects on a person’s mental health.

Today, we’ll discuss some signs that you grew up with gaslighting, & some tips on how to counter the effects of this cruel form of emotional abuse.

Gaslighting can take many forms, & it’s not always easy to recognize when it’s happening.  There are some signs that you may have grown up with gaslighting…

You constantly question your own reality: If you find yourself constantly questioning your own beliefs & perceptions, it is a sign that you grew up with gaslighting. 

You feel like you’re always walking on eggshells:  If you feel like you need to be careful about what you say or do around certain people, it’s a sign that you grew up with gaslighting. 

You have a hard time trusting your own instincts: Gaslighting makes you doubt your own instincts & intuition.  This leads to confusion & uncertainty, which makes it hard to make decisions.

If you grew up with gaslighting, there are things you can do to counter the effects of this form of emotional abuse. 

Understand reality: Gaslighting can make it hard to know what’s real & what’s not.  To counter this, try to look at things logically without emotion & see if things make sense.

Distance yourself from the gaslighting: If possible, distance yourself from the people who are gaslighting you.  This can help you to gain perspective & clarity.

Ask safe people for their thoughts: It can be helpful to talk to people you trust about your experiences.  They can provide a different perspective & help you to see things more clearly.

Pray for clarity: Prayer is invaluable when dealing with the effects of gaslighting.  Ask God to give you clarity & help you to see the truth & to see things as they really are.

Gaslighting is an especially malicious form of emotional abuse that can have long lasting effects on a person’s mental health.  If you grew up with gaslighting, it’s important to recognize the signs & take steps to counter the effects.  By understanding reality, distancing yourself from the gaslighting, asking safe people for their thoughts, & praying for clarity, you can begin to heal from the effects of this form of emotional abuse.

Feeling Undeserving Manifests In All Kinds Of Unusual Ways

Do you find yourself working constantly without breaks, failing to take care of yourself when sick or injured, & not having healthy boundaries?  If so, these likely are all coping mechanisms to deal with a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness.  The good news is once you start to recognize & challenge these behaviors, you can begin to heal & believe in your worthiness.

One of the ways in which feeling undeserving manifests is through the need to constantly do, achieve, & accomplish.  Whether it’s in our personal or professional lives, we push ourselves to the limit, working long hours without breaks, & sacrificing our mental & physical well-being in the process.   This behavior is often rooted in the belief that you need to prove your worthiness through achievements.  You believe that if you work hard enough, you can earn the love, respect, & validation that you so desperately crave.  Sadly, the reality is that no amount of doing can ever make us feel truly worthy.  Until you start to prioritize rest, self-care, & balance in life, you won’t begin to feel true peace & fulfillment.  Your worthiness is not tied to your productivity, & taking care of yourself is a crucial part of living a happy & fulfilling life.

Another way in which feeling undeserving manifests is through neglecting our physical, emotional, & mental health.  We ignore our needs, push through pain & illness, & refuse to ask for help when we need it.  This behavior often is rooted in the belief that you don’t deserve care & kindness.  For me, I believed that I was a burden on others, & that my needs were not important enough to be met.  The reality is that we all deserve to be taken care of, especially when we are going through a hard time.  Prioritizing your well-being & asking for help when needed will help you to begin to feel self-love & compassion.  Taking care of yourself is not selfish, but rather an act of kindness towards yourself & those around you.

One of the most damaging ways in which feeling undeserving manifests is through the inability to set healthy boundaries, tolerating abuse, & settling for things that are bad for us.  This behavior usually is rooted in the belief that you don’t deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, & love.  Like other children of narcissistic parents, I grew up believing that I had to settle, & that I didn’t have the right to say no or stand up for myself.  It wasn’t until I started to recognize my worthiness & set healthy boundaries that I began to attract people & situations that honored & respected me.  I learned that I deserve to be treated with love & kindness, that I have the right to say no to anything that doesn’t align with my values & needs & I also have the right to terminate relationships that are one sided or damaging to my peace & mental health

Feeling undeserving can manifest in unusual & damaging ways, but it doesn’t have to define us.  By recognizing & challenging these behaviors, we can learn to believe in our worthiness & live a happy & fulfilling life.  Remember that you are worthy of love, respect, & happiness, & that no one but God has the right to define you.  Ask Him often to tell you the truth about yourself, & never let anyone have the power to make you feel unworthy.

Behaviors In Relationships You May Not Know Are Actually Abusive

In any relationship, both parties should feel valued, respected, & supported.  When subtle signs of abuse begin to emerge, it can be challenging to identify them, leading to potential emotional damage. 

One of the fundamental aspects of a healthy relationship is a mutual give-and-take where both individuals’ needs are considered important.  One subtle sign of abuse occurs when one person consistently prioritizes their needs over the other’s, even when they know doing so hurts the other person.  This imbalance leads to feeling neglected & resentment, & can lead to the end of the relationship.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which one person denies their actions or alters reality to make the other person question their perception of events.  This insidious behavior naturally leads to confusion, self doubt, & a sense of powerlessness in the targeted victim.  This distorting the truth undermines the victim’s trust in their own judgment.

Controlling behaviors in a relationship can manifest in subtle ways that may not be immediately apparent.  For instance, a manipulative person may forbid their partner from engaging in activities that do not benefit them or insist on actions that serve their own interests, even knowing the behavior will hurt the victim somehow.  This form of control often is done under the guise of care, making it not appear abusive when it truly is.

Another abusive dynamic often involves constantly changing expectations that leave one person feeling inadequate & insecure.  The manipulator may set unattainable standards or move the goals to ensure that their partner never feels good enough.  This abusive behavior greatly damages a victim’s self esteem.

Criticism, when used constructively, can help people to grow & improve.  However, when criticism becomes a tool for manipulation & control, it has detrimental effects.  An abusive, manipulative person may criticize the other person in the relationship relentlessly while claiming it is attempt to help.

In an abusive relationship, one may find themselves walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring their words & actions out of fear of the other’s reactions.  This atmosphere of tension & apprehension stifles communication, breeds anxiety, & erodes self esteem.  The fear of setting off an unpredictable or disproportionate response also leads to emotional suppression & detachment.

Another subtle sign of abuse is when one person consistently minimizes or dismisses the other’s feelings.  By labeling their feelings as oversensitive or irrational, the abuser undermines their validity.  This invalidation will create a sense of isolation & self-doubt in the one whose feelings are being disregarded.

Blame & shame are often used as tools of manipulation in abusive relationships.  The manipulator may shift responsibility onto the other for issues that are not their fault, leading to guilt & self blame.  By shaming the other person for natural emotional responses or perceived shortcomings, the abuser maintains control & diminishes their partner’s confidence.

Affection is a crucial component of a healthy relationship, providing emotional support & intimacy.  However, abusers use affection as a form of manipulation.  They may withhold affection as a punishment for not complying with their desires or overwhelm their partner with affection when they behave in a desired manner.  This conditional display of love undermines genuine emotional connection.

Recognizing the subtle signs of abuse in relationships is imperative for maintaining emotional well being & fostering healthy relationships.  By being aware of subtle abusive behaviors, people can identify potential red flags & take steps to protect themselves. 

The Impact Of Enmeshed Mothers On Men

Enmeshment occurs when a mother fails to establish healthy emotional boundaries with her child.  She treats him more like a partner than her child, expecting him to care for her instead of the other way around.  This toxic & abusive behavior leads to a tremendous amount of dysfunction that continues into adulthood.  Today, we’ll focus on how it affects men specifically.

For men with such mothers, carrying the deep insecurity enmeshment causes becomes the norm, affecting their relationships in profound ways.  Any perceived threat of abandonment terrifies them, & even the slightest criticism wounds them to the core.  As a result, they lash out, pushing people away.  It is vital for men to recognize the truth of their toxic upbringing & acknowledge the abuse inflicted upon them so they can begin the journey towards healing.

Enmeshed mothers use love & affection as a tool for control, leaving their sons in a constant state of uncertainty.  These mothers intertwine their lives with their sons’, blurring the lines between their own identities & those of their children.  This manifests in various ways, such as excessive emotional dependence, over involvement in their sons’ lives, & a lack of boundaries.

Within this suffocating environment, a man’s sense of self becomes intertwined with his mother’s approval & love.  He learns to constantly seek validation from her, never sure if he will receive it.  This insecurity seeps into his relationships, & he does not trust that others genuinely care for him.  The fear of abandonment or rejection becomes consuming.

Enmeshed mothers are extremely manipulative.  She uses guilt or passive aggressive tactics to keep her son close, ensuring he remains dependent on her.  This manipulation makes the son’s insecurity grow, making him increasingly vulnerable to her control.

The insecurity instilled by an enmeshed mother has a profound impact on a man’s ability to form & maintain healthy relationships.  The fear of abandonment & rejection makes his need for constant validation overwhelming.  No one can meet such a need, & when they fail, he becomes disappointed with them. 

Enmeshed mothers naturally hate their son’s wives, viewing them as competition, so they often make matters worse by insulting her to him & treating her very badly.  This  creates problems within the son’s marriage.

Also, any perceived criticism, no matter how minor or how gently said, wounds these men deeply.  They react with anger or defensiveness.  This defensive behavior further distances them from their partners, leading to conflict & emotional withdrawal.

Many partners decide to leave, & the fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces the man’s belief that he is unworthy of love & incapable of maintaining relationships.

Recognizing the truth about enmeshment is essential for victims of enmeshed mothers.  They need to understand that the shame lies with the mother for the abuse she inflicted, not with the son.  Accepting this truth allows men to shed false guilt & begin their healing.

Prayer is absolutely vital on this journey.  God knows more than any human, & can help victims like no one else can.  He has helped & taught me more than I can describe on my healing journey, & will do the same for anyone!

Seeking therapy can teach men to set & maintain boundaries, establish their own identities, & build a foundation of self worth that is independent of their mothers’ opinions.

Online communities or support groups can help men learn & heal from the abuse as well as find friends who understand. These connections also remind men that they are not alone.  I have a Facebook group called “Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug” with several members who have experienced exactly this situation.

Men who grew up with enmeshed mothers face unique challenges in their relationships due to their abusive upbringing.  However, healing is possible.  There is no shame in admitting the abuse.  The shame lies solely with these toxic mothers.  It is time for these victimized men to reclaim their identities & break free from the chains of enmeshment.

Honoring Abusive Parents Is Possible But Not Always What People Think It Should Be

I have been accused countless times of failing to honor my parents & even hating them because of the topics of my writing.  However, that’s not true.  God has shown me that honoring  parents is very possible, but it is not always what people think it is.  It is about respecting their position in your life, treating them respectfully, wanting the best for them, & appreciating any good in them. 

As a Christian & a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have struggled with this concept for a long time.  Thankfully, God showed me how to honor my parents even after cutting off contact with them.

When we think of honoring our parents, many people associate it with blind obedience & complete submission to their will even as adults with our own lives.  However, this inaccurate view is very harmful, especially in cases of abusive parents.  Honoring parents does not mean tolerating abuse or sacrificing our own well being. 

For me, honoring my parents means acknowledging their role as my parents & recognizing the impact they had on my life, both positive & negative.  It meant accepting that they were flawed individuals who made very poor choices, but they still influenced who I am today. 

Respecting their position in my life also meant setting boundaries & prioritizing my own well being.  It meant recognizing that I deserved to be treated with love, kindness, & respect, just like anyone else.  By doing so, I was able to honor them by encouraging them to treat me better with consequences for my healthy boundaries.

After my parents passed away, I struggled with the idea of honoring their memory.  It felt strange at first to appreciate their positive contributions while acknowledging the pain they caused.  Especially because their deaths brought back so many bad memories.  Honoring their memory did not mean condoning their actions or excusing their abuse.

One way I found to honor my parents was by appreciating the things they taught me.  My father, for example, taught me about cars.  Despite the difficult relationship we had, I still appreciate all he taught me & I love cars.  It was a way of acknowledging his influence on my life while doing something I genuinely enjoyed.

Similarly, my mother taught me to crochet when I was five years old.  Crocheting became a favorite hobby of mine that I still enjoy.  After her passing, I stumbled upon a pretty doily she made & a second that she had started but never finished.  I decided to complete it as a way of honoring her.  It was a bittersweet experience that allowed me to appreciate the skill she gave me & the joy I found in crocheting.  A picture of them is at the bottom of this post.

Honoring parents is a complex & deeply personal journey, especially for those who have experienced narcissistic abuse.  It is possible to redefine honor & respect in a way that prioritizes our own well being while acknowledging the role our parents played in our lives.  Finding ways to appreciate the skills they taught us or engaging in activities they influenced, can be a meaningful way to honor them without compromising our own healing.

Cleaning Out Your Parents’ Home After Their Deaths

Many of you who follow my work are fellow Gen Xers.  This means that many of us are at the stage in life where we are faced with the inevitable loss of our parents.  It’s a painful & emotional process that often involves cleaning out their home.  This task is often much harder than expected, no matter the relationship with one’s parents.  Not only do many items hold sentimental value, but we also realize that we will never again receive any gifts from our parents.  Despite the complicated relationship we may have had with them, the process of letting go of their belongings can be overwhelming.  Today, I want to share the lessons I learned from my experience & offer tips for handling those complicated items.

In my experience, one crucial aspect of this journey is seeking guidance from God.  Turning to God & asking for His guidance absolutely will bring comfort & clarity in the midst of such an emotional process.  He helped me to figure out what to keep, what to sell, what to donate, & what to give to which family members.  That help was invaluable since I had absolutely no idea what to do with anything!

When we begin cleaning out our parents’ home, we are faced with a multitude of items that hold sentimental value.  Each object carries a memory, a story, & a connection to our parents.  It can be tempting to hold onto every item, fearing that letting go means losing them forever.  Or, if your relationship with your parents was toxic, it can be tempting to throw every single item in the trash.  However, as difficult as it may be, it’s important to find balance.

One approach I found helpful was to enjoy the special items rather than simply storing them away.  For example, if your parents had a collection of vintage records, take the time to listen to them & relish in the nostalgia they bring.  Displaying sentimental items, such as photographs or heirlooms, can also help create a space that honors their memory while keeping clutter at bay.  And, if you find certain items trigger painful memories, if those items still are useful, find them a home with someone who will use & enjoy them.  Again using the record collection as an example, if you know someone who shared your parents’ taste in music, give them the records.

Furthermore, if you find yourself unsure about whether to keep an item or not, it’s a good idea to hold onto it until you feel more clarity.  Grief is a complex process, & it takes time to sort through our emotions & make good decisions.  Trust your instincts & give yourself the time to heal before making final choices about what to keep & what to let go whenever you have doubts.

As we go through the process of cleaning out our parents’ home, it’s crucial to set reasonable limits.  After all, they are essential for maintaining a clutter free & anxiety free environment.  Ask yourself if each item will bring you joy or serve a practical purpose.  If the answer is no, consider donating or selling it, knowing that someone else may find value in it.

Remember, clutter can cause anxiety.  It’s important to honor our parents’ memory, but it’s equally important to create a home that reflects who we are & the life we want to live.

During this process, it’s normal to feel guilty or conflicted about letting go of certain items.  However, it’s essential to remind ourselves that the memory of our parents is not tied to physical possessions.  Letting go of material possessions can be a way of honoring them while creating our own path.

For those of us who have had a complicated relationship with our parents, cleaning out their home naturally stirs up a mix of emotions.  It’s important to acknowledge & process these feelings as we go through their belongings.  Pray & seek support from safe people who let you share your experiences & emotions.

Remember, this process is an opportunity to reflect on lessons learned, the growth achieved, & healing.  By approaching the task with wisdom & understanding, we can find peace & resolution.

For Those Who Think Narcissists Shouldn’t Have To Face Consequences

As a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have often heard people say that narcissists shouldn’t have to face consequences for their actions.  They argue that it’s not fair to punish someone for being cruel when they have a personality disorder or because they had a hard life or some other equally lame excuse.  However, as a Christian, I believe that everyone is accountable for their actions, regardless of their mental health status.  In fact, the Bible speaks about the importance of consequences & correction.  Psalm 141:5 in the Amplified Bible says, “Let the righteous [thoughtfully] strike (correct) me—it is a kindness [done to encourage my spiritual maturity].  It is [the choicest anointing] oil on the head; Let my head not refuse [to accept & acknowledge & learn from] it; For still my prayer is against their wicked deeds.”

One of the main reasons why narcissists should face consequences for their actions is accountability.  Without consequences, there is no incentive to change behavior.  It’s important for everyone to be held accountable for their actions, not only for the sake of those they have hurt, but also for their own wellbeing & growth.  While narcissists almost never change, at least consequences set the stage for that possibility.

Furthermore, consequences are a form of justice.  When someone does something wrong, it’s only right that they face the consequences of their actions.  This is not about revenge or punishment, but about restoring balance & order.  When a narcissist is allowed to get away with their behavior endlessly, it sends the message that their actions are acceptable.  This is especially damaging to victims who may struggle with feelings of worthlessness or self blame.

Finally, consequences can also serve as a deterrent for future bad behavior.  When someone faces the unpleasant consequences of their actions, it sends a message to others that similar behavior will not be tolerated.  Even narcissists do get that message through consequences sometimes.

As Christians, we are called to forgive others as God has forgiven us.  This can be challenging when dealing with narcissistic abusers who have caused so much pain & trauma.  However, forgiveness does not mean letting go of justice or accountability.  Rather, it means entrusting the situation to God, & releasing the person from expectations of an apology or repaying us for the damage they did.

Forgiveness also does not mean that the relationship with the abuser is automatically restored.  That should require repentance, humility, & a willingness to change.  When a person is not willing to acknowledge their wrongdoing & change, the relationship can’t be restored. 

As Christians, we are called to love all people, including narcissists.  Love is not always about feeling warm, caring feelings, which is good since it’s impossible to feel that way towards anyone who deliberately traumatizes you.  That love can be as simple as praying for them – for God to meet whatever needs they have, to bless them & most importantly, to turn their hearts & minds to Him.  I know how hard this can be, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.  And when it’s hard, tell God!  He knows anyway so just be honest.  I have prayed “I don’t want to pray for them but I know You want me to, so that’s the only reason I’m doing this” many times, & not once was God ever angry with me for it.

At the same time, we must also set healthy boundaries & protect ourselves from further harm.  This means limiting our interactions with them or even going no contact.  Such things are loving & Godly.

Never ever let anyone make you feel badly for giving a narcissist consequences for abusing you. Whether or not the narcissist learns & grows from the experience, at least you have done the right thing by giving them an environment that encourages such things. The rest is up to them.

Understanding Your Emotional State After Abuse

Living through abuse can be one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through.  Abuse victims often experience ongoing trauma, such as growing up with abusive parents & later marrying an abusive man or woman.  This means that they can be left feeling overwhelmed & exhausted by their horrific experiences.  It can be easy to become frustrated with yourself for not being able to “bounce back” quickly.  It’s important to remember that humans were not designed to experience trauma, & it’s completely normal for it to make you feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning.

It’s equally important to be gentle & kind with yourself, but in particular after experiencing trauma.  Always remember that it’s not a sign of weakness to feel traumatized, or even develop PTSD or C-PTSD.  It’s a sign that you are a human being with feelings, & that you have experienced something that is incredibly difficult to process.

I firmly believe that a relationship with God is vital, & invaluable with helping a person to heal after experiencing abuse.  He is so loving & gentle, & gladly will offer you all the comfort you need, guide you in ways to help yourself to heal, give you strength when you feel weak & anything else you need.

There will be times when you don’t function well either mentally or physically after trauma, & that is normal.  It doesn’t mean you’re weak, flawed or crazy.  In fact, it’s a sign of strength that you are still standing & doing your best to manage despite all that you’ve been through!  Don’t be mad at yourself for these times that you may experience, because it will only make you feel worse.  Instead, take a moment to recognize & honor the strength that you have.

In order to heal, it’s important to take the time to fully process your pain.  This can be done through prayer, journaling, talking to a trusted friend, seeking out professional help with someone educated in trauma recovery or a combination of all of these things.  Taking the time to process your pain can help to reduce the intensity of your emotions, which will allow you to move through your trauma in a healthier way.

It’s also important to recognize that healing doesn’t happen overnight.  It’s a process that takes a lot of time, often even a lifetime.

It can be difficult to be patient & kind with yourself when you feel overwhelmed & exhausted by trauma. However, always  remember that you are a strong person who is capable of healing with God’s help.  Remind yourself that He is on your side, that you are doing the best you can & that it’s ok to have times when you struggle more than other times.

It also is important to practice good self care. Take some time for yourself often to do things that make you feel good & bring you joy.  This could be anything – taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, reading a book or watching a movie.  Taking the time to focus on yourself & your own needs helps to reduce stress & makes it easier to manage your trauma.

Living through trauma is an incredibly difficult experience & it can be easy to become overwhelmed by the experience. It’s important to remember that humans weren’t designed to experience trauma & it’s normal to feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning. It’s not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength that you survived something so traumatic. It’s important to be gentle & kind with yourself & to take the time to fully process your pain. By taking care of yourself, you can move through your trauma in a healthier way.

Never Let Someone Dysfunctional Or Abusive Determine Your Reality

For years, I had let other people’s words & actions determine my reality, including dysfunctional & abusive people who made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.  I realized that I needed to take control of my own reality & not let others dictate how I saw myself or the world around me.

Dysfunctional people come in all shapes & sizes.  They can be abusive partners, toxic family members, or even just negative friends.  Regardless of their role in our lives, they all have one thing in common: their reality is often skewed.  They see the world through a lens of dysfunction, & this can have a profound impact on those around them.

For example, an abusive partner may constantly put their partner down, telling them that they are worthless & unlovable.  This can cause the victim to internalize these messages & start to believe them.  They may start to see themselves as unattractive, unintelligent, & unworthy of love.  This is what I experienced during my first marriage.

Similarly, a toxic family member may constantly create drama & chaos.  They may manipulate situations & people in order to get what they want, causing those around them to question their own perceptions of what is right & wrong.

It can be incredibly difficult to break free from the hold that dysfunctional people have on our lives.  However, it is crucial that we take steps to do so in order to protect our mental health & well-being.  Following are some tips for taking control of your own reality.

Pray.  Ask God to give you wisdom & discernment.  This is very simple but also tremendously helpful.

Set Boundaries. One of the most important things you can do is set boundaries with dysfunctional people.  This means letting them know what behaviors are not acceptable & giving them consequences if they continue to engage in those behaviors. 

Seek Support.  Surround yourself with people who are genuine & supportive.  This can include friends, family members, or even a therapist.  Having a healthy support system can help you see reality more clearly & provide you with the strength & courage you need to break free from dysfunctional relationships.

Practice Self-Care. Taking care of yourself is crucial, but especially so when dealing with dysfunctional people.  It can be easy to get caught up in their drama & forget about your own needs.  Make sure to prioritize self-care activities that you enjoy.

Breaking free from the hold that dysfunctional people have on our lives can be a difficult process.  However, it is worth it in order to live a life that is true to ourselves. 

Be patient with yourself.  Healing takes time, & it is important to be gentle with yourself as you navigate this process.  Celebrate even the smallest victories & don’t be too hard on yourself when things are difficult.  Also remember there will be times you make mistakes as you heal.  Remind yourself that is normal for any type of healing so don’t beat yourself up over it.  Learn from your mistakes & move on,

Finally, know that you deserve to live a life that is healthy & true.  Never let someone dysfunctional determine your reality.  You have the power to take control of your own life, so do it!

What It Really Means When Narcissists Accuse And Insult Their Victims

Narcissists are masters at something called projection.  Basically, this is when they accuse someone of doing things that they truly haven’t done, but the narcissist does on a regular basis.  For example, a narcissist who accuses you of lying is most likely a liar. 

Until you know about what they are doing, it can be tough to handle this sort of behavior.  It’s painful & baffling when you are accused of doing things that you never have done or, in many cases, never even considered doing.  I know, since I’ve been there.  When I was in my late teens, some of the things my mother accused me of doing were astonishing because they never even crossed my mind. 

Another thing narcissists project onto their victims are their own insecurities.  The narcissist who feels unattractive will call their victim ugly, or the narcissist who is insecure about their intelligence tells their victim often how stupid they are.  When a narcissist does this often enough & with such conviction, victims usually take their cruel words to heart.  Again, I know as I’ve done this too.  This is how I ended up battling anorexia at age 10.  My mother constantly told me how fat I was, & at that young age, the only way I thought I could lose weight was to stop eating.

Today, I want to encourage those of you who have been in this situation, or are still in it. 

A helpful piece of advice I can give you is this.. when a narcissist accuses you of something you have done or said something negative about you, think about it for a moment.  Ask yourself what evidence is there that what they said is accurate?  Chances are, there is none.  Then, consider the narcissist.  Has he or she ever shown signs of either doing or wanting to do the thing they said you did?  I bet there is some evidence, even a small amount, that they have done that thing.  Or, if the narcissist insulted you, think about them.  Did the narcissist call you stupid, yet acts as if they know it all, for example?  My ex husband frequently let me know he thought he was supremely intelligent & I was stupid, & he acted as if he knew everything.  Looking back, I realize what appeared to be confidence was simply concealing the fact he knew I was smarter than he was.  By acting like he was smarter than me, he made me believe that was true.  Narcissists often do this sort of thing with projection.

If you are unsure of answers to such questions, then ask God for help.  Ask Him to show you the truth about the situation, because He will be more than happy to do so.  In fact, do it whether or not you are sure of the answers, because He gladly will show you all that you need to know, even things that you have missed.

Remember that when a narcissist projects or insults you, they are giving you insight into themselves.  They are telling you things that they will do & areas where they feel badly about themselves.  They aren’t saying such things because they are true.  Far from it.  This is how they process their flaws & insecurities.  By accusing you of these things, it allows them to be angry about their own problems while accepting no responsibility for them or working to change themselves.  It has nothing to do with you at all.  Projection, like everything else related to narcissists, is all about them.

Accusing Someone Of Bad Behavior Versus Stating Facts

Many people believe that when a victim accuses someone of hurting or abusing them, they are unfairly attacking the other person.  However, there are clear distinctions between accusing someone of bad behavior & simply stating facts.  Stating facts involves sharing events that have occurred without adding any false details.  On the other hand, accusations often involve fabrications & lies without any basis in reality.  Today we’ll discuss the differences between the two & why it’s essential to understand them.

Accusations are typically rooted in falsehoods & are completely fabricated.  In the Amplified Bible, Revelation 12:10 refers to Satan as “the accuser of our [believing] brothers & sisters.”  In the story of Job, Satan accused Job of wrongdoing that he had never committed.  This behavior continues today, with the addition of Satan influencing people, using them as tools to accuse others unjustly. 

Accusations come from a place of deception & malice & with evil motives.  People who falsely accuse others are looking to cause problems for the person they are accusing, & they allowed Satan to tempt them into making their false accusations.

People who falsely accuse others of terrible things also do so as a last resort.  They have nothing truly bad to say about someone, so they resort to inventing terrible things of which to accuse their victims.  If someone accuses you of something you know is untrue, remember that their accusations have nothing to do with the type of person you are, but everything to do with the accuser’s own issues.

Stating facts, on the other hand, involves recounting events as they truly happened.  When a victim shares their story & provides factual information about what occurred, they are not accusing someone unjustly but simply sharing the truth about their situation. 

Victims who state facts also don’t have evil motives when doing so.  Anyone who has been mistreated somehow or even abused has every right to discuss what happened especially when they are doing so to help themselves process what happened, heal from the damage or warn others who know their abuser about what type of person he or she truly is.

By distinguishing between accusations & facts, people can create a safe environment for victims to come forward & share their painful experiences without fear of people responding with cruelty, such being called a liar or denying the abuse took place.

Understanding the differences between accusations & stating facts is crucial in creating an environment where victims feel comfortable sharing their stories.  By encouraging honesty & transparency, victims can be empowered to speak out against abuse & raise awareness about the importance of addressing such behavior.  When victims feel validated & supported, they also are more likely to come forward & seek justice for the harm they have endured.

In conclusion, accusations & stating facts are two very different things.  Accusations are said by people with evil motives, & stem from falsehoods & deceit, while stating facts is about sharing experiences truthfully.  By recognizing the differences between the two, we can create a society where victims are heard & supported in their journey towards healing.  It is essential to validate the experiences of victims & provide a platform for them to speak the truth without fear of cruel retribution. 

About Adult Bullies

Victims of bullying & abuse understand all too well the devastating impact it can have on one’s mental & emotional well being.  While we often associate bullying with the playground or high school, the sad reality is that it can happen to anyone, at any age.  Adult bullies are a growing problem in our society, & their behavior can take many forms, from subtle manipulation to outright aggression.  Today, we’ll explore the nature of adult bullying, its causes & consequences, & most importantly, how to confront & overcome it.

Adult bullies come in all shapes & sizes, & their tactics can be hard to spot at first.  Some use verbal abuse, constantly criticizing or demeaning their victims, while others use more subtle tactics like veiled threats, or making a person believe they’ll lose something or someone they love.  Some bullies prefer physical violence or the threat of it to intimidate their victims.

Regardless of the tactics they use, adult bullies often share one thing in common: they feel insecure or powerless in their own lives & use bullying as a way to feel more powerful & in control.  For example, a boss who bullies his employees may be afraid of losing control of his company or being seen as weak.  A spouse who bullies their partner may be afraid of being alone or losing control of the relationship.  Whatever the underlying fear, adult bullies use victims as a way to feel more secure & in control of their lives.

The impact of adult bullying can be profound & long lasting.  Victims may experience anxiety, depression, low self esteem, & a host of other mental & emotional issues.  They may feel isolated & alone, as bullies often try to cut them off from friends & family.  Victims also may suffer physical harm, either from the bullying itself or from the stress & anxiety it causes.

The impact of adult bullying is not just limited to the victim.  It can also have a ripple effect on those around them.  Consider a boss who bullies their employees.  They create a toxic work environment that affects everyone in the office.  A parent who bullies their child creates a cycle of abuse that perpetuates for generations.  A spouse who bullies their partner ultimately destroys their relationship & family.

We all have a responsibility to confront & address bullying whenever & wherever we see it.  Victims need advocates because they frequently are too beaten down either mentally, physically or both to protect themselves.

Dealing with adult bullies can be challenging, but it’s not impossible.  The first step is to recognize the behavior for what it is & to understand that it’s not personal nor is it your fault.  You are not responsible for the bully’s behavior, & you do not deserve to be treated poorly.

The next step is to set boundaries & assert your rights.  Let the bully know that their behavior is not acceptable & that you will not tolerate it.  Be firm, calm, & avoid getting emotional or defensive.  If speaking up is too intimidating, simply refuse to do as they tell you to do & show them no fear.  Those actions can speak volumes to a bully. Remember, bullies thrive on the power they get from making others feel afraid or upset.  By remaining calm & rational, you take away their power.

If the bullying continues, it may be necessary to seek help from a third party, such as a close friend who has been bullied, therapist, or HR representative.  They can provide support & guidance on how to handle the situation & can help you develop a plan for moving forward.

Lastly, it’s important to take care of yourself.  Always stay close to God, surround yourself with supportive people, & practice self care. 

Bullying is not a hopeless situation.  Together, we can create a world where bullying is no longer tolerated.

Things Children Of Narcissistic Parents Are Tired Of Hearing

As if growing up with a narcissistic parent or even two isn’t challenging & painful enough, these children often are subjected to stupid, ignorant comments by other people that add onto the pain.  Those in their extended family, friends of the parent’s & even those who don’t know them often have very definite opinions of the parent/child relationship.  For whatever foolish reasons, many of these people feel those opinions must be shared with the victim of narcissistic parents.  Today some comments will be discussed, as well as why they are absolutely wrong in the hopes anyone reading this won’t fall for this evil manipulation.

You need to talk to your parents about how you feel.  This would make sense if your parents were normal people of average emotional intelligence & empathy.  In those cases, talking things out often works.  When you are discussing a narcissist, talking things out never works.  It often leads to no resolution while their victim ends up feeling even worse than they did prior to the conversation.  Narcissists do NOT care how their victims feel.  They only care how they feel.  They also can’t handle any criticism, no matter how tactfully it may be said.  They take it as a personal attack, & retaliate with blind rage.  Talking to them about how they have hurt you is a terrible idea.

Try seeing things from your parent’s perspective.  Abused children do this over & over.  They try figuring out what they did wrong or did to deserve to be treated this way.  Just because they can understand why a parent would abuse them doesn’t mean they have done something wrong.  It means they aren’t abusive or abuse apologists.

Kids always blame their parents & don’t accept any responsibility for their own behavior.  This is absolutely false.  Parents get plenty of both blame & praise because childhood forms so much of who we grow into as adults, good, bad & indifferent.  Saying your parent was abusive isn’t blaming them for all of your problems.  It is telling the truth & laying blame for being abusive squarely on your abusive parent’s shoulders which is where it belongs!

Your parent tried his/her best.  This is nothing but a lame excuse for abusive behavior.  There are very few people who truly don’t know the difference between right & wrong.  A parent trying their best will make mistakes, of course because they are only human.  That parent will NOT deliberately hurt their child, try to hide their behavior & punish their child for divulging their abusive behavior.

Parents always love their children no matter what.  This is a complete falsehood.  Many parents feel this way, but not all do.  Some see their child as an inconvenience, a burden or a mistake from the moment of that child’s conception.  If you don’t believe me, read about cases of abused children, such as Dave Pelzer, author of the book, “A Child Called It”.  No one can convince me his mother loved him.

Your parent was always so nice to me!  And the point is…?  Abusers are rarely abusive to everyone.  Instead, they have a Jekyll & Hyde personality.  They are sweet as pie to many people, but to their victims, they are exceedingly cruel.  Their victims are usually the only ones who see the depths of their cruelty, & this is what abusers want.  This means those who have seen the nice side of abusers don’t believe victims, which means abusers are free to abuse their victims without consequences.

Your parent is a teacher, police officer, pastor, counselor, etc, so he/she couldn’t be a bad person!  Abusers often enjoy working in these helping type professions for a few reasons.  They are in a position of authority, so they are able to abuse, control & manipulate others.  They also are looked at as good people, so anyone who accuses them of abuse most likely won’t be believed.  And, they have a lot of access to people to abuse.  While plenty of wonderful people work in such fields, plenty of abusers do too.  Not every teacher, officer, pastor, counselor, etc. is a good, caring person & assuming they all are is simply foolish.

If anyone says such invalidating comments to you regarding your abusive parent, please know that it truly has nothing to do with you.  These comments are made by people who have their own preconceived ideas.  Many of those people don’t want to accept anything that contradicts their own ideas, so rather than open their minds, they try to shut down victims as a way of helping them keep their denial in tact.  They are hurting you as a way to protect themselves, & that truly has nothing to do with you.  Don’t accept what they say as truth, because it isn’t true at all! 

Subtle Abuse

Abuse isn’t always loud or obvious.  It doesn’t always leave physical evidence behind that anyone can see easily, such as bruises & broken bones.  In fact, most abuse isn’t that obvious.  Covert abuse is a common term used to describe such subtle abuse.  It doesn’t leave undeniable proof that it happened.  It is very quiet & subtle, so much so that often even the victim may not realize that he or she is being abused.  That doesn’t make this abuse any less damaging, however.

Covert abuse comes in many forms, in particular in the form of gaslighting.  Gaslighting is when an abuser attempts to convince someone that they should doubt their feelings, thoughts, perceptions of reality & even their sanity.  It often comes in the form of denial.  The abuser claims that what they did wasn’t really so bad, it didn’t happen as the victim remembers or they deny even doing whatever they did at all, claiming the victim imagined things.

Another part of gaslighting involves how abusers interact with other people.  To those not in their most intimate circle, abusers often appear charismatic, helpful, maybe even kind & caring.  People believe the abuser to be a good person, & often tell the victim how lucky they are to have such a good person in their life.  Treating outsiders in this way serves two purposes for abusers.  First, it convinces others that the abuser in question truly is incapable of being anything but a great person.  That way, if the victim tells anyone about the abuse, he or she isn’t believed.  Second, the abuser’s fan club reminding the victim of how great they believe the abuser is makes the victim doubt that the abuser is so bad.  This makes the victim believe they are overreacting or over sensitive, & they become more tolerant of abuse.

Destroying a victim’s self esteem is another type of covert abuse.  Many years ago, I remember thinking that this is a type of murder.  I still stand by that.  Leaving a person left feeling as if they are nothing to anyone is unbelievably cruel & inhumane.  A person who is victimized in this way feels that if they died at this moment, no one would be care in the slightest or maybe they would feel relieved they are gone.  No one should live like that!

Another type of covert abuse is threats that make a person wonder if the person doing the threatening is sincere or not.  The purpose of doing this is to cause intense fear in a victim & also causing them to be extremely willing to please their abuser to avoid the abuser following through on their threat.  The person making these threats doesn’t even need to physically hurt the victim at some point to make their victim afraid, but physical violence is likely to follow these behaviors at some point.  Their threats make it very clear that they are capable of following through on them if they wish to do so.  Sometimes their threats involve words, but not always.  Most often, they do not.  Abusers may punch walls, slam doors, break items or even hurt pets yet not touch their victim.  Their behavior is terrifying to their victims, whatever they do.  My ex husband punched items or walls to make his point sometimes.  I remember him doing this then telling me how lucky I was he only punched the wall because he really wanted to punch me instead.  Somehow that didn’t make me feel so lucky! 

Another covert type of abuse is isolation.  Isolating victims means victims have no one to tell them their abuser is treating them awfully, to offer them support or to help them to leave the abusive relationship.  This behavior robs victims of any hope that their life will get better, & leaves them under the full control of their abuser.

If someone you know is treating you in these ways, never tell yourself it’s not a big deal, it’s not really abuse since he or she isn’t physically hurting you or otherwise excuse this behavior.  It truly is abusive & you truly deserve to be treated better!  If at all possible, end this relationship NOW!  If now isn’t possible, please make a plan to get out of it as soon as possible.  Protect yourself!  You deserve to be safe!

Narcissism In The Bible

Although Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a modern, secular term, there is still information about narcissism in the Bible.  It is referred to as “insolent pride” in some places, as well as “scornful” or “scoffer.”  One example of narcissism in the Bible can be found in 2 Timothy 3:1-5.  In the Amplified translation it says, “But understand this, that in the last days dangerous times [of great stress and trouble] will come [difficult days that will be hard to bear]. ²For people will be lovers of self [narcissistic, self-focused], lovers of money [impelled by greed], boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane, ³[and they will be] unloving [devoid of natural human affection, calloused and inhumane], irreconcilable, malicious gossips, devoid of self-control [intemperate, immoral], brutal, haters of good, ⁴traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of [sensual] pleasure rather than lovers of God, ⁵holding to a form of [outward] godliness (religion), although they have denied its power [for their conduct nullifies their claim of faith]. Avoid such people and keep far away from them.”  This certainly gives a good description of a narcissist, wouldn’t you agree?

There are quite a few examples of people displaying narcissistic behavior in the Bible as well.  One of those people is Cain.  His story can be found in Genesis 4.  To sum it up, Cain & his brother Abel made offerings to God. Abel’s was a good offering while Cain’s wasn’t.  Naturally Abel’s offering pleased God while Cain’s didn’t.  As a result, Cain was angry & killed his brother.

This got me to thinking about something.  Many narcissists remind me of Cain.

They are very envious when others get praise, especially in their presence.  In Genesis 4:4-5, Cain did this.  God praised Abel’s offering which greatly angered Cain.

In these situations, narcissists take that anger out on the person who received the praise instead of them.  Again, Cain did this in verse 8 when he killed Abel. 
Abel did nothing wrong & what he did had nothing to do with Cain.  Yet Cain took it so personally that God preferred Abel’s offering to Cain’s that he killed his own brother.

Narcissists also can’t stand it when someone is a good person trying to live their life right.  I think this is because someone who has integrity & good motives makes narcissists look bad.  Since they can’t tolerate looking less than perfect let alone bad, they get angry.  Another parallel to Cain showing this behavior is found in 1 John 3:12 which says, “and not be like Cain, who was of the evil one and murdered his brother [Abel]. And why did he murder him? Because Cain’s deeds were evil, and his brother’s were righteous.” 

When narcissists are called out on their abusive behavior, they hate it.  While no one likes it of course, narcissists take that to a new level.  Yet again, Cain did this too.  In true narcissist fashion, he became quite overly dramatic when God spoke to him about his punishment.  Genesis 4:13-14 describe this scene.  “Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is greater than I can bear. ¹⁴Behold, You have driven me out this day from the face of the land; and from Your face (presence) I will be hidden, and I will be a fugitive and an [aimless] vagabond on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”  Doesn’t this sound just like a narcissist?  When I have called the narcissists in my life out, they responded similarly by making me sound mean & unreasonable, like I was punishing them so unfairly.

If you ever want to read about narcissism in the Bible, the story of Cain is a great place to start obviously.  You also can look up Scriptures that mention insolent pride, scoffer & scornful people.  You just might be surprised how much the Bible can teach us about narcissists.

Males Really Can Be Abused By Females

Abuse is usually associated with men being the perpetrators & women being the victims.  However, this is not always the case.  Male can be victims of abuse by females just as easily.  Unfortunately, society has made it difficult for males to speak out about their experiences of abuse, because they are expected to be strong & to never show weakness.  However, it’s important for males to know that it’s ok to admit that a female has abused them.  It doesn’t mean that they are weak, should be ashamed of what happened to them or are any less of a man.

Two examples of men who were abused by women are Sampson, who was abused by Delilah, & King Ahab, who was abused by Jezebel.  Sampson was a powerful man who was brought down by his love for Delilah.  Jezebel was a manipulative & controlling wife who ruled over her husband, King Ahab.  Both men suffered at the hands of their female abusers, but their stories are seldom discussed in much detail.

The first step in addressing the issue of female to male abuse is to break the stigma that surrounds it.  The belief that males, no matter their age, should always be strong & never show weakness has been ingrained in society for generations.  This makes it difficult for males to speak out about their experiences of abuse.  They need to know that it’s ok to ask for help & to seek support from others.

Males who have been abused often feel ashamed & embarrassed.  They worry that others will judge them or not believe their stories.  This is why it’s important for society to recognize that males can be victims of abuse & to provide them with the support they need.  It’s also important to challenge the belief that males should always be strong & never show vulnerability.  By doing so, we can create a more accepting & supportive environment for male victims.

It’s also important to note that male victims more often are abused emotionally & psychologically, rather than physically.  Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, & it’s important for males to understand that any form of abuse is not ok.

One of the reasons why female on male abuse is often overlooked is because females tend to be more covert in their abuse.  They are often better at hiding their abusive ways & convincing others that they are incapable of being abusive.  This makes it difficult for male victims to be believed.

Covert abuse can involve gaslighting, manipulation, & emotional blackmail.  Females who abuse males often use these tactics to control their victims & to make them feel powerless.  Male victims may not even realize that they are being abused, as the abuse is often subtle & disguised as caring behavior.

Male victims may feel unsure about what is happening to them. They may feel like they are going crazy or that they are imagining things.  It’s important for them to know that they are not alone & that there is help available.

If you are a male victim of abuse, you do not have to suffer in silence.  There are resources available, including online support groups, counseling, & therapy.  If you opt for therapy, it’s important to find a therapist who understands male victims, which may mean seeing a few therapists before finding the right one for you.  You’re also welcome to join my Facebook group.  Several male abuse victims are in my group, so you won’t be alone.  Here’s the link:  https://facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT

It’s also important to reach out to friends & family members who you trust.  They may be much more supportive than you expect.

And never forget that God loves you, & is in your corner.  He is grieved you were abused & wants to help you heal.

Remember that there is no shame in admitting that you have been abused.  You are not weak, flawed or any less of a man because a female chose to abuse you.  She is the real problem, not you.

My Newest Mini Book Is Now Available!

I just thought I’d let everyone know my newest mini book is available in ebook format.  Not sure if I’ll do print or not.. seems silly for mini books since they are maybe half the length of other books.

Anyway my newest ebook is called, “A Biblical Perspectives Mini Book The Pain of Being Your Parent’s Parent: A Guide for Teens and Young Adults.” It is designed to help those who are either under age & still living with their parents or recently have moved out of their parents’ homes deal with their parents who treat them as if their job is to take care of their parents.

This book came about because recently, my podcast analytics showed that the bulk of my audience listened to a podcast about this topic, & they were under age 22. It reminded me of being that age & younger, suffering through the same nightmare. It seemed like the right time to write a book to (hopefully!) help others in that horrible situation.

The ebook is available at amazon at this link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CWWQMBB3/ref=sr_1_16?crid=IRN3GPJPPQRM&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.M4u3RJkm2BvE5PhKeYIIiethbwADWlJtBojIcSYT9GHEG0ZV6BuFg6B1h8-y_524ckwDQ3xV0k_y2Fe5x-ifuATItuVnMe0tc_cO5POc8AxU1RdMDX4Kyq8qun0qw58v_TMpUnY8Up10On-jPyZUp06mDnaMCaXvZSXklW7BAq3YJAGGLYv-E5XJiTOS1YPqLL3Z3bGZ4dotB-3bsajrG-hCVZkGDYz7TiBh-IbyiTo.maI7PI4xLeg-hzJ_WuIwNVjNNusQ-v5YwH2kayHml5M&dib_tag=se&keywords=cynthia+bailey-rug&qid=1709393357&s=books&sprefix=cynthia+bailey-rug%2Cstripbooks%2C171&sr=1-16

It is available at other retailers at this link: https://books2read.com/u/4E7jPz

Coming Soon – 25% Sale On My Ebooks!!

Happy Read an Ebook Week! To help you find a book to celebrate, you can find my entire collection at a promotional price at Smashwords from March 3, 2024 – March 9, 2024. Find my books and many more at https://www.smashwords.com/ebookweek #ebookweek24 #Smashwords

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Discovering Your True Self After Narcissistic Abuse

No contact is often preached to victims of narcissistic abuse as if once you sever ties with a narcissist, your life will be perfect.  No contact is wonderful because it means the narcissist is out of your life, but that doesn’t mean all of your problems are over.  Narcissists rarely take no contact quietly, but even when they do, victims still have plenty to deal with if they are to heal from the narcissistic abuse.

One area where victims need healing is to discover who they truly are, not who their narcissist said they were.  While this may sound easy to some people, it really isn’t.  I plan to give victims in this position things to consider that can help them to discover their true identity, who God made them to be.

Prayer is always the best place to start, in my opinion.  Asking God to show you who you really are is so helpful!  It was paramount for me.  He showed me things I never would have considered before.  And, He can do the same for you!

Journaling is also helpful.  Take notes of things you learn along your journey so you can look back over them.  This can be a great reminder of things you have forgotten.

Ask yourself what interests do you have.  I don’t mean things a narcissist claimed you were interested in, but things that truly interest you that are free from outside influences.  Many victims of narcissistic abuse have no idea what things truly interest them or they minimize those things.  Consider what you do & how you feel about things without judging your feelings.  What brings you real joy, no matter what other people have to say? 

What talents do you have?  What can you say you are good at doing?  Are you talented with drawing?  Writing?  Building things?  If you struggle to find something, think about the complements people give you.  I know, as a victim of a critical narcissist, it can be tough to accept complements, but you need to do this.  Consider the nice things people have said to you.  Don’t judge the complements.  Instead, write them down.  They may help you to figure out who you really are.

What stirs up passion inside of you?  Do you feel strongly about animal rights?  Is there a human rights issue that lights a fire in you like nothing else?  What stirs up the strongest feelings in you, either good feelings or negative ones?  Take note of such things.  These things most likely are your calling.

What are your beliefs?  Narcissists do their best to make their victims think & believe exactly as they want them to.  It benefits narcissists but damages victims by making them lose an important part of themselves.  Start thinking about things in which you truly believe, whether or not the narcissist would approve of these things. 

What about your moral beliefs?  Another area where narcissists try to make their victims compromise is their morals.  They try convincing their victims that God doesn’t exist or if He does, He condones the narcissist’s abuse because the victim deserves punishment.  Narcissistic spouses convince their victims that monogamy is an outdated concept in order to justify their cheating ways.  Do you truly believe what the narcissist told you, or is it only because the narcissist told you this was how you should feel?

When trying to heal from narcissistic abuse, the best thing you can do is to question everything about not only the narcissist but yourself as well.  Questions will help you to learn more & knowledge truly is power.  So please start questioning everything & take good care of yourself!

How Narcissists Condition Their Victims To Accept Abuse

There is a story about a frog in a pan of hot water.  If the frog jumps into a pan of boiling water, immediately he’ll try to get right back out of it.  However, if the frog gets into a pan of water that slowly gets hotter & hotter until it boils, the frog won’t try to leave until it’s too late.  This is much how it is when you are in a relationship with a narcissist.

If a narcissist began the relationship showing exactly what they are capable of doing, no one would continue the relationship in any way.  They would run fast in the opposite direction.  This is why narcissists hide their capacity for cruelty in the beginning of relationships.  They allow their victims to become comfortable with them, even trusting them.  As time passes, they start to do small things that make their victims uncomfortable as a way to condition them to accept more & more abuse. 

Consider the following scenario as an example.  Instead of wanting to be with their new romantic interest constantly as they were at first, suddenly the narcissist has other things to do that don’t involve the victim.  If the victim says anything, the narcissist says it’s nothing personal.. they just need or want to do these other things, relax!  It’s no big deal.  The narcissist does have a life other than the relationship, after all.  The victim accepts this & the narcissist does what they wanted to do, not caring about the victim being upset.  The victim still feels upset, but thinks they are being too possessive & in spite of being upset, tells him or her self that everything is fine.  They are being too clingy.  When this scenario happens again, the victim says nothing, even if he or she is upset. 

The victim in this scenario has been conditioned to accept something the narcissist has done is normal.  Of course, there is nothing wrong with a person doing things without their significant other.  However, it is very wrong for someone not to be concerned that this person they supposedly care about is upset & to minimize their feelings.  A functional person would have reassured their partner, been willing to talk about their partner’s feelings rather than invalidate them & possibly reschedule or even cancel their plans.  In typical narcissist fashion though, the narcissist in the scenario refuses to make any changes while simultaneously invalidating their victim’s feelings. 

This is how narcissists condition their victims to accept anything they do.  Basically this behavior desensitizes victims to abuse & normalizes it.  Victims in this scenario are like the frog in the pan of water that gradually gets hotter.  The abuse starts out not so bad, & narcissists condition their victim to accept those things.  Then they do slightly bigger things, condition their victim to accept those, then move onto bigger things yet & condition their victim to accept those & so on.  In time, the victim thinks the narcissist’s abusive behavior is normal, & is often no longer so deeply affected by it.  If they are, they minimize their feelings or even ignore them, because they believe this to be normal behavior.

I really believe this is why so many victims of narcissistic abuse experience the same thing after ending the relationship.  They tell someone what happened, the person is shocked & the victim is surprised the other person thinks this was so terrible.  People who haven’t experienced abuse are stunned at the terrible things abusive people do to their victims.  Those of us who experienced it first hand however are often so desensitized to it because for us it was normal, that for us, it may be bad, but we don’t think of it as nearly so bad as those who haven’t been abused think it is.

Growing Up Invalidated

Narcissists are masters of invalidation.  In other words, they are masters at making their victims feel as if their likes, dislikes, & feelings are inaccurate, & the person feeling them is wrong, deeply flawed or even crazy for feeling the way they do.  Invalidation is a very cruel thing to do to another person, as it makes a person lose the ability to trust their feelings & perceptions.  It even can make a person doubt their sanity.  This makes an invalidated person easy to manipulate & control, which naturally is the goal of any narcissist.

Narcissistic parents love invalidating their children because of this, in particular engulfing narcissistic parents.  Chronically invalidated children are extremely insecure, clingy with their parents because of the insecurity & they look to their parents for information much more than healthier children do. 

Sadly, this chronic invalidation in childhood creates life long problems for children like this.  Having been in this situation, I can vouch for just how damaging it is.  The good thing however is once you recognize the signs, you can make healthy changes. 

Probably the most common sign of growing up invalidated is low or non existent self esteem.  How could anyone have any self esteem when their own parents invalidated them?  It’s impossible.  Healing such damaged self esteem is a long process, but so worth it.  The best way to start this process that I know of is to ask God to help you often, & to start questioning things.  When you think something negative about yourself, question it.  Ask yourself why you feel that way.  Is there evidence of this feeling being accurate, or do you think this way because your parent told you that you were that way?

One sign of growing up invalidated is that you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable around other people.  The good news is that the more you heal, the healthier your relationships naturally become, & eventually you become able to be vulnerable around those healthy people. 

Feeling as if your feelings, thoughts, wants, & needs are less important than other people is also typical of someone who grew up being invalidated.  I want you to know that feeling that way is WRONG!  Everything about you is just as important as other people.  There is nothing about you that makes you less important.  You are valuable & you matter!

Second guessing yourself constantly is common with someone who has been invalidated in their childhood.  How could it not be?  Much like healing helps your self esteem improve & that naturally attracts healthier people, it also will help you to stop second guessing yourself so much.  You will become more confident & second guess yourself less & less over time.

Feeling invisible also is a part of growing up invalidated.  It’s such an awful way to feel!  Sadly when you spend time with those who invalidated you, you may always feel this way to some degree.  I certainly do.  It improved as I healed, but never entirely went away.  Feeling this way though doesn’t mean something wrong with you.  It means something is wrong with those who treat you this way. 

Obviously healing from invalidation isn’t a quick or easy path, but working on it is well worth it.  You deserve validation, even if your parents didn’t think you did.  You are worthy of it.  You’re also worthy of love, kindness & being treated well.  Don’t accept the message of invalidation that says otherwise!  Reject it!  If you’re struggling with that, then pray & ask God to help you & to teach you how to reject these dysfunctional & toxic messages.  Work on your improving self esteem, too.  That also will help you so much!

If You Allow Your Family To Treat Your Spouse Badly, Stop It!

Imagine marrying the love of your life, the person you want to spend the rest of your days with.  But there’s one problem – your family doesn’t treat your spouse well.  They make snide remarks, ignore their presence, & even criticize their every move. 

Dysfunctional families like to say blood is thicker than water, but when it comes to your marriage, your loyalty should lie with your spouse above them.  Allowing your family to mistreat your partner not only betrays your spouse but also creates a huge divide between you because of betraying your partner in this way

Before we dive into the solutions, it’s essential to acknowledge that mistreatment from family members towards your spouse is a serious issue.  Your spouse deserves to feel loved, respected, & valued by the people who are an integral part of your life.  It’s easy to become blind to these behaviors, especially if they have been happening for a long time or if you’ve grown up in an environment where mistreatment was normalized.

However, it’s important to remember that your spouse is not accustomed to this treatment.  They entered your family expecting to be treated with basic common decency, & hopefully love.  By allowing your family to mistreat your spouse, you are abandoning them for the sake of preserving your relationship with your family.  This betrayal erodes trust & creates a wedge between you & your spouse that undermines the foundation of your marriage.

You need to know that when your spouse expresses their hurt over your lack of concern, it is not an overreaction.  It is a normal response to the pain they feel due to your lack of interest.  Their feelings should be taken seriously, & the situation needs to be addressed.

When your family members mistreat your spouse, it’s crucial to recognize that the problem lies with them, not your partner.  Their behaviors are not only immature but also toxic & even narcissistic.  These behaviors are a reflection of their own issues & insecurities, not a reflection of your spouse’s worth.

Some common toxic behaviors include constant criticism, belittling remarks, exclusion from family events or conversations, or outright hostility.  These actions have a profound & negative impact on your spouse.  As their partner, it is your responsibility to protect them from such harm.

If your family members react negatively when you assert the need for respect towards your spouse, it’s a clear sign that something is wrong with them.  Healthy, loving families prioritize the well being of their members & respect the boundaries set by each individual.  Don’t let them sway you from doing what is right for your marriage.

Remember, you chose your spouse – you fell in love with them, committed to building a life together, & vowed to love, support & protect them.  Your family, on the other hand, is a part of your life that you were born into.  Familial relationships never should come at the expense of your spouse’s well being.

Also remember Genesis 2:24.  In the Amplified Bible, it says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”  It can be difficult to remember with toxic families, but when you get married, you are to create a new family with your spouse.  This means they need to be your first priority after God, not your family.  This means standing up for them, setting clear boundaries with your family, & actively creating a safe & nurturing environment for your marriage.  This may involve having tough conversations with your family members, or even limiting or ending contact with toxic family members who refuse to change their behavior.

Allowing your family to mistreat your spouse is a serious issue that will have lasting consequences on your marriage if it is ignored.  Remember, you chose your spouse, & they deserve to be treated with love, respect, & dignity.  Don’t let your family’s toxic behavior ruin the bond you share with your partner.  Stand up for your spouse, nurture your marriage, & create a happy life together.

How Narcissists Treat Pets

It is often said that a person’s treatment of animals reveals their true character.  For narcissists, this holds true in the most disturbing ways.  While they may initially shower animals with affection & love, this is not done out of love.  The love they receive in return provides narcissistic supply.  And, it is done to earn their trust.  Once that trust is gained, narcissists often neglect or abuse animals, subjecting them to the same abuse they give to humans.  As someone who has witnessed this behavior, I can attest to the profound impact it has on the innocent creatures caught in the crossfire.

My own mother, a textbook overt narcissist, used to subject my pets to constant verbal abuse.  She would hurl nasty comments at them, remarking on their weight, size, or even their personality traits.  I remember her scolding one of my cats for being too loud & demanding, another was deemed too friendly & attention seeking, another too fat & yet another too thin while she was sick. 

But it wasn’t just the verbal abuse.  They also disregarded all boundaries.  I recall my covert narcissist father & one of my cats.  Despite repeated warnings, he continued to pet her belly, even though she clearly hated it.  In response, she scratched & bit him, trying to convey her discomfort, yet he persisted until she left him alone & came to me.

Narcissists also abuse their own pets.  In my lifetime, my parents had two cats.  Both cats were extremely anxious & skittish around my parents because of how they were treated.  I inherited their second cat after my mother died in 2019.  With time, understanding & lots of love, she became very devoted & loving towards me, although sadly she still shows periodic signs of having feline PTSD. 

Once narcissists have obtained the desired validation from animals, their interest in the animal wanes.  They neglect them, withholding the love & attention they once showered upon them.  This sudden withdrawal is a form of punishment & manipulation, leaving the animals confused & traumatized, & often untrusting of humans.

Some narcissists also tease animals mercilessly, deriving a sick pleasure from their distress.  They provoke them, intentionally pushing their boundaries & triggering fear or anxiety.  This is such sadistic behavior!

Just like humans, animals can be traumatized, & as a result suffer from anxiety, depression, PTSD & behavioral issues after abuse.  They may become withdrawn, lose interest in activities they once enjoyed, or display aggressive behavior.  Abuse damaged their trust in humans, & it takes a great deal of patience, love & care to help them heal.

It’s essential for pet parents to recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse & protect their pets.  Set boundaries such as not allowing the narcissist to visit your home or calling out their behavior when they mistreat your pet.  Yes, it will anger them, but it’s a small price to pay to protect your pet.  I also noticed when I told my parents to stop doing whatever they were doing to them, my pets responded well to me.  They knew I would protect them, & appreciated it.  Also as much as I dislike this option, it also may be appropriate sometimes – if you can’t avoid the narcissist visiting your home, lock your pet in a separate room until the narcissist leaves. If the narcissist asks why, tell them if they insist on coming by, they won’t get to see your pet because of how they treat him or her.  No doubt they will try to shame you for this, but remember – as the pet parent, your top priority is your pet’s safety, not the narcissist’s foolish opinions.

If you & your pet live with the narcissist, your situation is potentially much more dangerous.  If at all possible, protect your pet however necessary.  If the narcissist hurts or even kills your pet, it is going to be devastating.  My ex husband hurt my first cat, Magic, & even though that happened in 1994 I still feel guilty for allowing it. 

In conclusion, the abuse of animals by narcissists is a dark & disturbing reality.  The trauma they inflict upon animals & their parents is profound.  Animals need & deserve our love & protection from these vile individuals.

Feeling Emotionally Numb After Trauma Is Normal

As victims of abuse, we often find ourselves struggling to cope with the aftermath of traumatic experiences.  One common & confusing symptom is emotional numbness.  It can be difficult to understand why we feel nothing at all, especially when we know we should be feeling something.  This post will explore the causes of emotional numbness & provide tips on how to cope.

Experiencing trauma is such an emotional experience that it can burn out your emotions, which leads to feeling numb.  Our brains can only handle so much emotion at once, & when we are constantly experiencing intense feelings of fear, sadness, or anger, our brains become overwhelmed, & we shut down emotionally.  This is our brain’s way of protecting us from further emotional harm.  Emotional numbness is a common symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) & Complex PTSD.

Emotional numbness can also be a result of prolonged emotional abuse. Victims of abuse often learn to shut off their emotions as a way to protect themselves from further harm.  This can lead to a disconnect from their emotions over time.

As a side note, some medications used to treat mental health conditions may cause emotional numbness as a side effect.  It is important to talk to your doctor about any symptoms you are experiencing so they can help you adjust your medication or find alternative treatments.

There are signs of emotional numbness.  Following are some of those signs.

Trouble thinking clearly: Victims of trauma may struggle with cognitive function & have trouble focusing & making decisions.

Memory troubles:  Victims of trauma may have difficulty remembering details or events surrounding their trauma.

Over reacting or under reacting:  Victims of trauma may find themselves reacting to situations in an extreme or opposite way to how they would usually react, or they may have little or no reaction.

Have trouble expressing any emotions, whether they’re good or bad:  Victims of trauma may struggle to express their emotions, even those that are typically considered “positive.”

Being indecisive: Victims of trauma may struggle with making decisions & feel paralyzed when faced with choices.

Failing to think much about decisions:  Victims of trauma may avoid making decisions altogether as a way to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

Being unsure about any wants:   Victims of trauma may struggle to know what they want or need, due to a disconnection from their emotions.

Feel disconnected from reality:  Victims of trauma may feel as though they are watching their life from a distance or that they are living in a dream.

While emotional numbness can be a difficult symptom to cope with, there are things you can do to help yourself feel more connected to your emotions. Here are some tips:

Prayer.  Talking to God about your feelings & asking His help too cope will be more helpful than anything.  He is a loving Father, & will be more than happy to help you.

Try journaling: Writing down your thoughts & feelings can help you process your emotions & reconnect with yourself.  Seeing things in writing is a very helpful way to gain clarity on a situation.  Looking back over old entries also will help you to realize how far you’ve come.

Engage in self-care: Taking care of yourself physically & emotionally can help you feel more grounded & connected to your emotions. 

Remember that healing takes time, & it is ok, even normal, to feel numb sometimes.  Be patient & gentle with yourself as you work on your healing.

When Children Defend Themselves To Their Narcissistic Parents

Children of narcissistic parents learn very quickly that defending themselves to their narcissistic parents isn’t an option.  Any time they try to stand up for themselves or express their own feelings, their parents accuse them of being disobedient, rebellious, a troublemaker & more.  Soon they learn to forget themselves & tolerate anything, including abuse, to be worthy of their parents’ love.  Eventually they learn that this was not a healthy way to live, & began to understand the importance of standing up for themselves.

Today, I will share some things I have learned on this topic.  

The first thing you need to understand is that narcissistic parents are primarily focused on themselves & their own needs, rather than those of their children. They are emotionally abusive, controlling, & manipulative, & they often use their children as a means of validation for their own egos.

For children of narcissistic parents, this can be a very difficult & confusing experience.  On the one hand, they may feel a strong attachment to their parent & want to please them.  On the other hand, they feel neglected, unloved, & abused by their parent’s behavior.  This can create cognitive dissonance, where the child feels both love & fear towards their parent at the same time.

Growing up with narcissistic parents means constantly walking on eggshells.  You never knew what could set them off, & always afraid of doing something wrong.  Although you may try your best to be the perfect child, no matter how hard you tried, it’s never enough.  My overtly narcissistic mother always found something to criticize or belittle me for, & I felt I could never do anything right.

Once I was in my late teens, I began to realize that I didn’t have to put up with my mother’s abuse anymore.  I started to see that her behavior was not normal or acceptable, & I stopped excusing it.  Standing up to her was not easy.  Every time I tried to express my own feelings or defend myself, she would rage at me, say terrible things about me or accuse me of awful things I hadn’t done.  She even told me me that she was thinking of sending me away to a military school or a psychiatric hospital. 

As an adult, I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & her behavior finally made sense.  I realized why defending myself to her was always a problem!  I just needed to figure out how to defend myself in ways that wouldn’t anger her but also would help me.  The best way I found to do this was gently but firmly setting boundaries.

When dealing with narcissists, showing no emotion is best.  Any emotion at all gives them fuel to abuse you.  They accuse you of being over sensitive, having anger issues & more.  Keeping that in mind, when I needed to defend myself, I calmly stated no, that isn’t right or no, that wouldn’t work for me & not budge from this position.  My mother couldn’t get too angry because I was being reasonable.

I also learned how to pick my battles.  If the matter was important, I would calmly say she was incorrect & state the facts.  If it wasn’t important to me, I just let it go.

To do this, I leaned on God a lot.  I asked Him to guide me & that He did.  It wasn’t easy but with His help, my mother eventually began to respect my boundaries & be less critical.  It wasn’t perfect but for the most part, our relationship was better by the time we went no contact.

If you are in a similar situation with a narcissistic parent, it can be hard to know where to start. I would encourage you to start by praying, then by setting boundaries.  Calmly stated boundaries with consequences will let your parent know that you will not tolerate their abuse or manipulation anymore.  It may take time, but eventually they will start to understand that you are serious.

If you are struggling with the aftermath of narcissistic child abuse, I also encourage you to prioritize your own self-care.  This will feel strange at first, prioritizing yourself but you can do it!  Do whatever helps your mental health.  

Remember that you deserve to be treated with kindness & respect, & that you have the right to set boundaries & defend yourself.  It may take time & effort, but with patience & perseverance, you’ll learn to set boundaries & take good care of yourself!

Some Signs Your New Friend Or Partner Is Toxic

Whenever a person gets involved in a new relationship, whether that relationship is a friendship or romantic, that person is on their best behavior.  That is normal.  Since they are interested in this other person, they want that other person to be interested in them, so of course they present their best self.  The two people involved may even form a bond almost immediately.  Such things are normal.

Unfortunately there are some very toxic people out there who try to mimic such things to draw people into a relationship with them.  They can be extremely manipulative, controlling & even evil.  At best, they are very dysfunctional & lacking in knowledge of how to handle new relationships.  At worst, they are narcissists.  If you are fortunate, the person in your situation is dysfunctional & willing to learn how to be healthier.  It seems most people who behave this way aren’t like that, though, & they are the ones you need to know how to recognize before they draw you in.

Narcissists are notorious for love bombing behavior.  In other words, they shower their new interest with affection, praise, gifts & anything that makes them feel loved.  It can be hard to recognize this behavior in the moment, because it makes a person feel swept off their feet.  When feeling that way, common sense can be completely lost.  To help anyone in that situation, I thought it would be a good idea to discuss some signs of love bombing today.

While praise is certainly a good thing, a love bombing narcissist will take it too far when they are love bombing their victim.  Their victim can do no wrong, or anything less than perfect really.

Everyone has met someone that they just “clicked” with immediately.  It’s a wonderful feeling, having met someone with whom you share so many similarities.  Narcissists may appear to have a great deal in common with you, but the truth is that they are faking it.  They only say that they like the same things you do or dislike the same things you don’t after you mention your feelings.  They also have no history of interest in the things you like, yet they say they do.

Narcissists want to know their victims’ dreams, thoughts, secret desires & traumas right away.  This is so they can use these things against their victim to hurt or manipulate them.

They often shower their new victims with gifts that although nice, don’t quite match their victim’s personality.  For example, you like pink roses but he always gives you yellow tulips. 

The relationship moves extremely fast.  That new friend may claim you are their best friend after knowing them only a short time.  Or, that new love interest starts talking about marrying you after you have been dating a very short time.  They claim you are special, they never have known anyone like you before, you are their soul mate & more, trying to make the relationship very serious even though you haven’t known each other for long.

If the relationship is romantic, a narcissist will push for physical intimacy very early.  Many narcissists use sex as a weapon, so the sooner they can get their victims into bed, the better.  They figure out exactly what their victims like, & use that to make them want the narcissist.  Then, they push their victims away without warning to confuse them & make them willing to do anything that pleases the narcissist just to have that part of the relationship back.

Suddenly the narcissist will turn cold towards you, leaving you wondering what you did wrong but the truth is, you haven’t done anything wrong.  Then the abuse will start.  Criticisms, manipulation, trying to keep you from seeing your friends & family.  This is typical of a narcissistic relationship. 

If your new friend or partner displays these behaviors, end the relationship as soon as you possibly can.  You deserve to be treated so much better than this!  End it before it goes any further & protect your mental health!

Something I Used To Experience That Was Similar Panic Attacks

Have you experienced panic attacks?  If so, you know just how awful they are.  I learned many years ago that there is something similar to them & equally awful.  Instead of feeling panicked, I felt angry.  My body would tense up, & I would feel tightness in my chest, trembling, & a rapid heart rate.  It happened every time my husband & I were going to see his narcissistic mother.  After a lifetime of suffering narcissistic abuse, I was fed up with the most recent narcissist in my life at the time.  I had no knowledge then of healthy ways to cope or anything about narcissistic abuse though, so I just got angry.  The anger attacks (as I named them) is one way it manifested.  If this happens to you too, you’re not alone, & you’re not crazy!  It’s a sign you have a lot of justifiable anger inside about being abused.  The good news is that there are ways to heal.

The first step in dealing with your anger is acknowledging it.  It’s ok to be angry about being mistreated.  You were not treated fairly, & it’s understandable that you’re angry.  It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, unreasonable or even a failure as a Christian.  You need to feel that anger to free yourself of it.  Prayer is an excellent way to do this, & I highly recommend it.  God understands how you feel.  He’s angry that someone abused you too!  He is always willing to listen & comfort you.  God isn’t going to be surprised, offended or disappointed in you for feeling anger, so just be open with Him about it. You also can pray for strength & guidance on how to handle your anger in a healthy way.  Prayer can also give you peace & comfort in knowing that you’re not alone.

Another way to do this is through journaling.  Write down your thoughts & feelings about what happened to you.  This is a great way to help you process your emotions & gain clarity about how to move forward.

Talking to safe people about your anger also can help you process it.  Find someone you trust, such as a close friend, & talk to them about what happened to you.  They can offer support, validation, & guidance on how to move forward especially if they have been through similar experiences.  

Practicing self-care is essential.  Take time for yourself & do things that make you feel nurtured & happy.  This can include things like participating in your favorite hobby, reading, or listening to music that “speaks” to you.  

Setting boundaries is another essential part of dealing with anger.  It’s important to set boundaries with the people who have abused you to protect yourself from further harm.  This can include limiting your contact with them or cutting them out of your life entirely.  

Don’t tolerate people abusing you!  You deserve so much better than that!  It can be hard not to slip back into old patterns sometimes, tolerating more than you should from people, but as soon as you recognize you’re doing this, change your behavior.  Remind yourself of how far you’ve come & how much you’ve healed, & how you deserve to be treated with love & respect.

The more you do these things, the sooner those anger attacks will go away & the healthier you’ll become.  You also will find that as you heal, your relationships will improve.  Good, healthy people are more drawn to you & the toxic ones keep their distance. 

Take good care of yourself!  I’m praying for you!