If you have been interested in getting the print version of any of my books, now is a good time! My publisher is offering 15% off when using code SPRING15 at checkout until May 7, 2021.
My print books can be found at the link below…
If you have been interested in getting the print version of any of my books, now is a good time! My publisher is offering 15% off when using code SPRING15 at checkout until May 7, 2021.
My print books can be found at the link below…
I recently had an interesting dream. In it, I was at a concert of one of my favorite bands ever, Motorhead. The dream was a bit odd since I’m not exactly a concert goer. Watching them on TV is as close as I get.
When I woke up, I prayed then looked up what music & concerts meant on my favorite dream dictionary website, dreammoods.com. According to the site, dreaming of a concert symbolizes unity & cooperation. Very cool.. my husband & I were moving soon & the dream made me realize how well we’re working together to accomplish this. Dreaming of music meant something different though. The site said that dreaming of music depends on the dreamer. Each genres means something different & if the genre is something you like, the music is offering you advice. When I read this, it clicked in my brain immediately.
I’ve been a Motorhead fan for a long time, but in particular a fan of their late singer, Lemmy Kilmister. In some ways he was your typical heavy metal musician. But, in other ways he wasn’t & I always thought those ways were really interesting. Not only was he highly intelligent but had a very unique personality. He was fascinated by history. Most of all though, he was unapologetic for being himself. Not like a narcissist of course, just he had this attitude of, “This is who I am. I like me. Your approval isn’t required.” Never having such an attitude myself, I admire & even somewhat envy it in others.
I believe my dream was trying to tell me that I need to share Lemmy’s attitude. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable in your own skin & not caring what others think about you. I realize narcissists try to make victims feel that way, but that doesn’t mean they’re right. They don’t want victims to feel that way because an insecure victim with low, or better yet NO, self esteem is easy to control. A person who is insecure doesn’t know what they want, think, feel & believe, which means they are going to be easily controlled.
Someone who has a healthy self esteem, however, is a threat to narcissists. They know who they are. They know what they want, think, feel & believe. They are well aware of their boundaries. Because of such things, they aren’t easily controlled or manipulated. They may be briefly but they catch on fast, & put an end to being treated that way even if it means ending the relationship.
Anyway I don’t think the lesson in this dream was only for me. I think it was for other victims of narcissistic abuse. If it was for you too, I’m sure this resonates with you as it did with me.
I have tried to develop Lemmy’s attitude. This is what I figured out about how to do that.
Naturally pray. Ask God to tell you the truth about yourself. That alone is eye opening! I did that myself some time ago & was shocked at what He had to say. He told me to research the personality of wolves, because that is what he created me to be like. I assume because of being such an animal lover, that was why He used that example. It was fascinating & so eye opening! I never would have thought that is what God created me to be like.
Once you do this, remind yourself often of whatever it is He tells you about yourself. Having the knowledge is a good thing of course, but reminding yourself of it often is what will get that knowledge inside of you. This was where I made my mistake. I didn’t focus on it as much as I should have, which is probably why I had the dream. Learn from my mistake! Think about what He said. If it helps leave notes or pictures around your home that remind you of it. Let this valuable knowledge get inside you & help you to blossom into the wonderful person He created you to be!
My publisher is having another sale on all of my print books. Use code SELL15 at checkout & get 15% off until April 23 , 2021
Books are available at the link below:
Most of us have used terms like, “That drives me crazy!”, claimed something gave us a “panic attack” when all it did was startle us, or even described a moody person as being “bipolar” even though that moody person wasn’t diagnosed with the disorder. Phrases like this have been part of the way people talk for God only knows how long.
I believe there is a problem with using these phrases though. By using these phrases so freely, they dilute very serious mental health disorders.
Claiming something drives you crazy makes insanity sound like an annoyance rather than a serious mental problem.
Panic attacks are also much more than being startled. They can feel like you’re having a heart attack. They are physically & mentally debilitating. After I have one, I feel very emotionally drained & exhausted for quite some time after.
Saying a moody person is bipolar makes Bipolar Disorder seem much less serious than it is. Those with Bipolar Disorder aren’t simply moody. Manic episodes can involve some very risky & even dangerous behavior. The down side is seriously bad as well. The depression can be so severe as to include suicidal ideation.
If you think I am over thinking this situation, then consider this. As a victim of narcissistic abuse, doesn’t it offend you when someone carelessly describes someone’s selfish behavior as narcissistic? You have seen narcissistic behavior up close & personal. You are all too aware that it is extremely different than someone doing something without thought or consideration of other people. It is more than selfishness. It is abusive, malicious, cruel & dangerous to your mental & physical health. Lumping someone who simply was thoughtless in a momentary lapse of judgment in the same category as someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is deeply offensive to anyone who has seen the unmasked narcissist first hand.
I really don’t think most people are being malicious when they say something “drives them crazy” or some other phrase related to mental illness. These phrases have become so common place, no one really thinks twice when saying or hearing them. They simply have become an everyday part of our vernacular. The problem with that is over time, very subtly, they reduce the meaning of real & serious mental disorders. Sometimes, even make them laughable. This just should not be the case!
If you realize you use such phrases, please reconsider doing so. On behalf of my fellow “crazy” people, I ask you to stop it. I know what I live with having C-PTSD & there is nothing laughable or trivial about it. Having to fight your own mind to get through the day is serious & an incredibly difficult way to live. It isn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy. Having my mental health trivialized or turned into the butt of a joke is insulting.
What makes this situation even worse is mental illness is seldom believed. If a person wears a cast on their leg, people see this person obviously broke their leg. They offer that person sympathy. Mental illness doesn’t have a glaring piece of physical evidence that is undeniable proof of the mental illness. Those who suffer with it often aren’t taken seriously because they look “normal.” Living with that then the trivialization of our illness is extraordinarily hard. Proverbs 18:21 says the tongue has the power of life & death. Please remember that & choose your words wisely!
The definition of emotional intelligence is the ability to be aware of, express, & control one’s emotions. It also includes the ability to handle relationships with empathy & fairness. People with a high degree of emotional intelligence are often kind, fair, understanding & tolerant of the mistakes of others while not tolerant of abuse.
Narcissists hate emotionally intelligent people. There are various reasons they can feel this way. Possibly because narcissists are very emotionally unintelligent, & therefore can’t understand the emotionally intelligent they hate them. Narcissists understanding the emotionally intelligent would be like the average person trying to understand how geniuses like Einstein thought. It would be impossible… although the average person at least wouldn’t hate him for his intelligence.
Another & even more likely scenario is because emotionally intelligent people aren’t easily fooled or manipulated. Narcissists want to fool & manipulate their victims so they can get whatever they like from them. Emotionally intelligent people have good boundaries & they understand people. This makes it nearly impossible to fool & manipulate them. It may happen briefly, but it won’t happen long. This makes them terrible victims of narcissistic abuse.
For the emotionally intelligent person in this situation, the narcissist & their flying monkeys will be incredibly shaming. They come up with all kinds of ridiculous things to say to the victim in order to shame them into compliance. In Christian circles, often the Bible is twisted around for the purpose of shaming the victim: “If you remember, the Bible says to honor your parents!” “Wives should submit to their husbands!” “Love covers a multitude of sins!” When Scripture isn’t used, the ridiculousness doesn’t get any better. People try to shame the victim by saying equally stupid comments such as, “You need to forgive & forget!” “That’s in the past…” “That’s just how he is.” “You need to understand her better.” “But he was abused by his parents!!”
Comments like these can create a great deal of conflict & confusion in someone victimized by a narcissist. A person who is emotionally intelligent however, isn’t conflicted & confused. They recognize the bad behavior for what it is, & have no problem calling out the people who say these things. It can hurt though & can be rather hard not to take the shaming personally sometimes.
If this happens to you, a very helpful thing you can do is remember what type of person is saying these things. You aren’t dealing with another emotionally intelligent person. They don’t say such stupid, heartless comments. Then ask God to tell you the truth & ask if they were right in what they said.
It also helps to look objectively at your situation & ask yourself does what this person said to you make any sense? If you can’t seem to look at the situation objectively, I know a trick to help. Pretend a friend has come to you & told you of this same situation happening to them. Doing this can help you feel disconnected enough to look more objectively at your situation. Please remember, Dear Reader, to be proud of being the emotionally intelligent person you are. Narcissists & their flying monkeys only criticize it because it means you see through their abuse. Don’t accept their shame! The shame belongs to them & you have no reason to carry it!
Experiencing trauma, in particular repeated trauma forces people to develop certain responses in order to cope with their horrific experiences. Many people waver between two or even more of the four trauma responses, but usually people use one much more than others.
Some people favor the flight trauma response over the other three options. This basically means their instinct during a traumatic event is to do anything they can to avoid the trauma. If they can run away, they will. During a traumatic event, someone who favors the flight trauma response but cannot escape will be pretty easy to identify. They are clearly anxious, which means their breathing is shallow & rapid. They may be restless, and this shows by tapping their feet or fingers. Their eyes dart around, looking for a means of escape.
In situations where traumatic experiences are repeated, such as in cases of child abuse, some long term problems develop from using this trauma response over & over again. Flight is used as a coping mechanism, & it manifests in many ways. Workaholism, perfectionistic ways, micromanaging others, the need to keep busy constantly, obsession with video games, endlessly surfing through channels or social media, & other avoidance type behaviors can be signs of someone who has experienced the flight trauma response regularly. These behaviors are designed to keep someone from thinking about past trauma. There are other signs too, such as anxiety disorders, constant worrying, inability to relax, hyper-activity & being overly analytical.
Like other trauma responses, it is understandable a person could react this way to trauma & behave this way after repeated triggers of their flight response. That doesn’t make the behavior healthy, however. Being constantly on the go whether it is mentally or physically takes a toll on a person’s mental & physical health. Changes need to be made & they can be!
As always I recommend prayer to start. Ask God to guide you, to help you to behave in a healthier way & anything else you can think of.
Look at your life. What is unhealthy? Are you constantly working eighty hour workweeks? Spending every free moment playing video games? Do you feel as if you must stay busy every waking moment? These are some examples of red flags. It also may help to ask those people who are closest to you for their thoughts as well.
Once you have identified the problem areas in your life, then figure out a plan on how to make appropriate changes. Cut back on hours spent at work if at all possible, or find another job. Set times for certain activities & stick to the limits.
Lastly, it will help you tremendously to finally face what you have been avoiding. I know it’s hard! I know it’s scary! I also know that until you do this & focus on healing & becoming healthier, any changes you make most likely will be temporary. Emotions demand to be dealt with, & if they aren’t dealt with in a healthy way, they will manifest in unhealthy ways. You’re going to suffer from the pain of the trauma or of the pain of the unhealthy manifestations of your emotions. Why not make the pain count & focus on your healing? At least that way, the pain will end & you will be much happier & healthier for it.
Experiencing trauma, in particular repeated trauma forces people to develop certain responses in order to cope with their horrific experiences. Many people waver between two or even more of the four trauma responses, but usually people use one much more than others.
During traumatic experiences, those who exercise the fight response do exactly as you would expect. They fight. They are obviously angry, they will cry, ball up their hands into fists, their jaws will be clenched tightly, & they look ready to attack anything that is in reach. Sometimes they do, usually punching walls or slamming doors.
Clearly this type of trauma response can be useful. If someone is afraid of you, they aren’t going to attack or abuse you. Unfortunately though it can backfire, & in particular with children with narcissistic parents. When a young child gets angry at their narcissistic parent, that parent won’t tolerate that. Narcissists want their children to show no emotions whatsoever, & anger at the narcissist’s abusive ways is the least tolerated emotion. Narcissists expect everyone, in particular their children, to tolerate their abuse indefinitely & without complaint. Standing up to a narcissist says their behavior is wrong & won’t be tolerated, which creates a narcissistic injury. In other words, their pride is damaged when they are told their behavior is anything less than perfect. Often narcissistic parents step up their abuse in these situations. These children learn not to show anger towards their parents, & often take it out on innocent victims.
The repeated use of this trauma response can cause many problems that last into adulthood. Some problems are the inability to handle anger in a healthy way, a quick temper, becoming a bully, becoming controlling & sometimes even becoming narcissistic or showing some narcissistic tendencies while not being a full blown narcissist. It seems to me these behaviors are all about having some control &/or hurting others before the angry person can be hurt.
This sort of behavior doesn’t have to be permanent though! With effort & time, you can develop healthier habits!
As always, I highly recommend starting with prayer. Ask God to help you change, to show you what you need to do & anything else you can think of.
You will need to accept that you don’t have to control or bully others, too. Remember, even God doesn’t control people. If anyone has that right, it’s the Creator of the universe! If He won’t do it, what makes you think you have the right to do so?
It will help to consider other people more often, too, not only yourself. Consider others when you make decisions, when you make plans, when you speak. Consider their wants & needs, too. What do those close to you want & need? How can you help to meet those needs & wants?
When you feel yourself getting angry, stop. Take a deep breath & release it slowly. This will help to calm your body & mind, & that will allow you to think clearly about the situation. When you think clearly rather than simple react, you may realize the situation isn’t really worth being angry about like you thought it was at first.
Also please know that you are going to need to heal from the events that created this behavior in you in the first place. I know it’s a scary thing, but you need to face those things in order to heal. I promise you, it WILL be worth it!
The lasting effects of an overused fight trauma response don’t need to be such a big part of your life. While it did help you survive for some time, & can be a useful tool, there are clearly many negatives! You can make healthy changes & live a happier life!
This time, my publisher is offering 15% off all print books. Simply use code READER15 at checkout until March 26, 2021 to take advantage of the sale. Visit the link below to see my books…
This time, my publisher is offering 10% off all print books until March 19, 2021 when you use code SELL10 at checkout.
Check out my print books at the link below…
If you prefer ebooks, those are also availble at the link below…
My publish is having their “Read An Ebook Week” sale from March 7 until March 13. This means that all of my ebooks will be 25% off!
Ebooks are the most affordable way to buy my books. Why not take advantage of the extra 25% off?
Come check them out!
I really am a firm believer in writing things down. It gives you clarity & insight & is one way to help you heal from trauma. That being said though, speaking out loud has its pluses too.
The Bible has a LOT of Scriptures regarding what we say out loud. Possibly the most powerful example being Proverbs 18:21 which says that there is life & death in the power of the tongue.
So many verses focused on one topic tells me that topic is very important, otherwise God wouldn’t have wasted space in the Bible discussing it. We need to be well aware of the importance of our words, even in the area of healing from narcissistic abuse, & use them wisely.
Sometimes you have to speak things out loud to heal. It can help you to hear the words describing what you have been through as well as seeing the reactions others have when you tell them your story. Discussing traumatic events can help you to get validation from others & even to validate yourself. I found writing my own story when I wrote my autobiography was incredibly validating. Seeing clearly on paper what I went through was eye opening. But, hearing yourself talking about the horrors you experienced can be validating as well. Something about getting your story out of you either verbally or in writing can be incredibly therapeutic. It makes the events more real, somehow. Possibly because after experiencing repeated abusive & traumatic episodes, a person often becomes desensitized to it all. It hurts, sure, but it just is what it is. Speaking about these things removes the desensitizing even if only for a while.
Talking also can be helpful for processing the trauma. Some people do better with writing theirs, but there are others who are helped more by speaking about it. Something about verbalizing things helps people to process their pain or come to ways to help them process it & heal. That is one of the purposes behind talk therapy, after all.
Also when you talk to someone, they can help you to see things from a different perspective. That can be incredibly helpful sometimes!
If you talk to another victim of narcissistic abuse, there is another potential benefit, too. They may have found ways to cope with a similar situation to yours, & can help enlighten you to new ideas that may help you. Or, they may have made mistakes & can tell you what didn’t work & why. Both are very beneficial.
I learned another benefit of talking several years ago. I wrote about it when it happened. May 5, 2016, I had a huge argument with my parents. I knew it was coming, so before I took their call that night, I asked God to guide my words. Well, He did, but not as I expected Him to! Rather than remaining calm & providing no narcissistic supply, I yelled, cussed & cried. As soon as I hung up the phone, I got in prayer. I told God I was so sorry! I must have somehow missed His guidance.. maybe I should call my parents back & apologize. As clearly as I’ve ever heard His voice, He said, “No. Your parents needed this. They needed to see their normally calm, rational daughter terribly upset because of them.” Why, I have no clue but I know He knew. It also showed me that although most times when dealing with narcissists, it is foolish to be outspoken with them, there are certain times when it is necessary. If you trust God, He will help you to do it.
While talking about things obviously can be helpful in many ways, never, ever forget to be wise with whom you share your story of narcissistic abuse. There are many people out there who support narcissists, & will hurt you for talking about your experiences. If they know the narcissist, they’ll also tell him or her everything you say. Remember Matthew 10:16, & be wise as serpents, harmless as doves!
My publish is having their “Read An Ebook Week” sale from March 7 until March 13. This means that all of my ebooks will be 25% off! Come check them out!
Lately, I’ve been busy. Not writing the usual books but taking a bit of a breather from that to create some cross stitch patterns. Since I’m not the only one who needs a break from the draining topic of narcissism, I thought I’d share the link to them here.
I also have some crochet patterns available on my site as well. They are on this link.
I hope those of you reading this will like them. I also hope that even if you aren’t into crafts, you’ll remember that mental health breaks are very important. PLEASE take some time where you deliberately do NOT think about narcissism or your healing from narcissistic abuse. Such a draining topic requires plenty of rest & distraction to prevent you from burning out.
Toxic shame can be one of the most damaging aspects of narcissistic abuse. It tells a victim that something is deeply wrong with them, unlike guilt which tells a person that they did something wrong. This shame obliterates self esteem & makes a victim easier to control. This is why shame is such a common weapon of narcissists. It’s extremely effective.
Narcissists instill toxic shame in their victims in various ways. They let their victim know that their feelings, thoughts, & beliefs are wrong. The victims likes & dislikes are also harshly judged & criticized. In fact, everything about the victim is harshly judged & criticized. His or her looks, actions, hopes, dreams & more. Even if a victim tries to be what the narcissist wants, the narcissist will let the victim know it isn’t good enough. In fact, nothing the victim does is good enough. Instead of the victim seeing this as the narcissist is impossible to please, most victims take it as them being a failure for not pleasing their narcissist, which adds to their toxic shame.
Shame also forces victims to keep the abuse secret. The victim is too embarrassed to admit that they tolerate such cruelty in some cases. In others, the victim is ashamed of feeling angry or hurt by the abuse because the narcissist has convinced the victim that the victim is the reason for the abusive behavior or that it really isn’t abuse, the victim is being oversensitive. Either way, the abuse being kept a secret is another benefit for the narcissist. They can continue the abuse without fear of the victim exposing their heinous acts.
Even once a victim ends the relationship with a narcissist, toxic shame is still a part of that victim’s life until he or she realizes it & works on healing. Adults with toxic shame end up in abusive relationships, whether they be romantic, friendships or coworkers. They are depressed & seldom realize why. They often have tremendous anxiety as well. They live to please other people, & feel as though they fail even when told they have done a great job. They have no self esteem. They’re simply miserable!
One of the best ways to start to combat toxic shame is by talking about the abuse. Being open about your experiences is a very effective way to release the power they have over you. I’ve thought of it like this… if you remember anything about the old legends of vampires, when they were in the dark, they were incredibly powerful. Nothing could stop them. Yet, in the sunlight, they were powerless in the short time before they were destroyed. Talking about the effects of the abuse is the same. Being open about it releases the power it has over you. In fact, it enables you to take back your power! By talking about it, you’re basically telling your abuser, “This is my story too & I have every right to talk about it. You can’t stop me anymore!”
By talking about the abuse, I’m not saying you need to talk about it non stop to everyone, write books or have a blog like mine. You have to do whatever feels right to you. It’s usually best to start out by praying about it. Also, you can write in a journal. From there, you can talk to a safe person such as a close friend or counselor. Take baby steps, since talking about it can be pretty scary at first. As you get more comfortable discussing it, maybe one day you will feel like creating a blog or writing a book about your story. Only God knows what the best plan for you is. Until such time as that plan is revealed though, start talking. It will help you destroy that toxic shame & live a happier life!
I just got a email from one of the publishers I use. They will be making some changes that will affect my free ebooks, which has gotten me to do some thinking….
I’ve been considering retiring all of them & republishing with the other publisher I use to gain more exposure. Due to the changes, I plan to do just this.
Since I need to redo the ebooks anyway, I’m going to add more to them & they’ll no longer be free. Probably I’ll only ask a little for them, like maybe $.99 since I don’t plan to add a lot to them.
While these books won’t be free, my website, this blog, my YouTube channel & podcasts all still will be. There is plenty of information on these sources. While I’m glad to share all of the information I can, I need some more balance. I need to start charging for some of it. Helping people is great & I love it, but it also doesn’t pay the bills either!
I’ll retire my free ebooks by January 31, 2021. In the meantime, you can find them at this link:
You can find all of the other links I’ve mentioned on my website at this link:
Thank you for understanding! God bless you!
A common feeling many people experience after narcissistic abuse is grief. It makes sense since there is a great deal to grieve! If the narcissist in question was a parent, you grieve the loss of your childhood, the pain of having a parent who didn’t treat you right or love you, the years wasted trying to please your impossible to please parent, the parent you wish you had & more. If the narcissist was a spouse, there is grief too, because that person married you not out of love, but out of wanting to use & abuse you. There is also time wasted with this person that could have been spent in much better ways. You also may grieve the loss of the person you thought the narcissist was at first. If you passed up a good person to marry the narcissist, there is regret & grief over losing that good person. If you had children together, no doubt there is also a great deal of guilt over giving your children this terrible person as a parent.
Whatever your situation, if you’re grieving after escaping narcissistic abuse, please know you are normal! It’s awful to experience but it’s also very normal. Grief isn’t only something to be experienced after someone dies. It comes after all kinds of losses.
You need to experience & process your grief after narcissistic abuse just as you would after losing someone you love. It is healing to cry & be angry about the unfairness of it all. Ignoring it, pretending it isn’t happening or even shaming yourself as if something is wrong with you for feeling this way isn’t healthy at all!
Rather than do those unhealthy things, why not try accepting your feelings without judgment? They’re not abnormal, they’re not wrong & you aren’t crazy for feeling the way you do. Stop criticizing them. Accept them for what they are- your feelings that are completely valid.
As you accept them, sit with them for a while. Cry or yell if you need to. I know this can be difficult for those of us shamed for having feelings by our narcissistic parent, so if those are too much, then try writing things out. If you don’t have a journal, it may be an excellent time to start one. If you want to be certain no one ever reads it, there are online journals that are private & password protected. I use Penzu’s free version, but there are plenty of others as well if it doesn’t meet your needs.
I’ve also found writing letters to the narcissist very helpful. I wrote out everything I thought & felt about what they did, not censoring myself. The especially important part of this is I never sent the letters. I wrote them to purge myself of the awful things I felt because of the actions of a narcissist, not to tell the narcissist how they made me feel or to try to make them see the errors of their ways. Doing such things is a complete waste of time & energy with a narcissist. In fact, if you do them, chances are you’ll only feel worse after instead of better because the narcissist will try to convince you that you’re oversensitive, overreacting or even crazy. Instead, I’ve found ripping the letters up & throwing them away or burning them to be very helpful.
If you have a safe friend, relative or even counselor, talking about your grief or praying with them can be very helpful as well.
You also need to be aware that grief doesn’t have time limits. You can’t expect to get over the trauma in a set time. In fact, a part of you most likely always will grieve to some degree, just like when someone you love dies. It does get easier in time though. You also learn to rebuild yourself & adapt to your new life without suffering narcissistic abuse. Whatever you choose to do to cope isn’t important. What matters is that you deal with your grief & accept it as a natural part of the healing process.
One thing that has always baffled me is how people talk about how wonderful that person who died was, even though you know very well that person was an absolute jerk. As if death somehow turned that sinner into a saint.
A few years back, a former friend of mine lost her mother. Her mother had abused her terribly for her entire life. Yet, when this woman died, my friend constantly posted on Facebook how much she missed her mother, she loved her & what a beautiful, wonderful person her mother was. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore… I had to ask her why she was saying these things after all the terrible things her mother did to her. She said it helped her to cope with the emotions if she pretended her mother was a good mother. Not a healthy coping skill by any means, but she was content with it.
I think many people probably have the same reason for their similar behavior. Losing someone you love, even someone abusive, is incredibly difficult & painful.
After my mother died, I caught myself remembering the good things about her. Those few times we got along well, when we could laugh & have fun together. The time she taught me to crochet when I was 5. Little things like that. I also prayed a lot during this time & knew that not only was she in Heaven, but she also was no longer the abusive & cruel person she was before she died. I realized that I was starting to do somewhat like my former friend did when her abusive mother died, focusing on only the good about my mother. While she was fine coping in that way, I wasn’t. It didn’t feel right or healthy to me. I got in prayer about it & learned some things.
When you love someone dies, you’re going to miss them. If that person was abusive, you’re going to miss the few good things about them, if there were any. If not, you’ll miss the person you wish they had been. Part of grieving is letting go. You are naturally going to have a harder time letting go of the good things than the bad, or even the good things you wish would have been.
Remembering the good things brings some normalcy to a very abnormal situation. There is absolutely nothing normal about coping with the death of a narcissistic parent. You can feel as if you’re completely alone, you’re crazy or unreasonable. You also most likely will feel that not one single person on the face of the earth understands what you’re feeling, because what you feel isn’t what most people feel when their parent dies. Focusing on the good, remembering the good things makes you feel more normal. It’s normal & socially acceptable to miss the good things about your parent. In most situations, it’s not normal or socially acceptable to feel glad your parent is gone or relief he or she can’t abuse you any longer. Unfortunately with narcissistic parents, both of those feelings are totally normal, they just don’t feel that way.
It’s incredibly difficult to mourn the death of a narcissistic parent. It’s easier in a sense to grieve the normal aspects of your parent, whether they were real or what you wish your parent had been like. Grieving the death of a narcissistic parent can be complex, confusing, infuriating, sad, devastating & so much more. When you grieve someone you love, basically it boils down to you miss that person. Of course that’s painful but it isn’t really convoluted. You don’t have to deal with all the intricacies & complexities that go along with mourning the death of a narcissistic parent. If you can make your parent more “normal”, it makes the grief process easier by making it less complex.
I don’t think remembering the positive things about your narcissistic parent is a bad thing in general. However, if you’re in this situation & remember only the good, that should be a red flag that you aren’t coping with your parents’ passing in a healthy way. It’s ok to remember the awful times & the abuse, & even to be angry about them. It’s ok to admit to yourself & others that your parent wasn’t exactly parent of the year. It’s also ok to be glad your parent is gone & you’re finally free. These things don’t mean you’re a terrible person. They mean you’re HUMAN!
I’ve been getting tired of writing the same type of book so I’ve been considering other options. One of them is this book. It’s a journal created to help the reader help themselves heal from the damage of narcissistic abuse.
Each month in the journal will focus on one traumatic event, & each week, one aspect of the event. It also schedules time to relax so the healing work doesn’t become overwhelming.
In the future, I may create other similar journals on different topics, but honestly I’m not positive yet. We’ll see where God leads me.
The journal is available only in print, unlike many of my other books. It can be found at this link:
Some time back, I saw a quote. I don’t recall the name of the author but anyway the quote said something like, “What didn’t kill me made me stronger. It also gave me a dark & twisted sense of humor.” Immediately I felt a bit embarrassed because I know that’s me. My sense of humor can be very dark & twisted. Quickly though I remembered something.
In my late teen years, I had a good friend a couple of years younger than me. His mother was also abusive, & his sense of humor could be very dark & twisted like mine. One day, we were laughing about something & he said, “Yanno, I’m so glad to have a sense of humor. I really believe that’s helped so much to get me through everything.”
I believe that former friend was right. His relationship with his mother never really got better after we grew up. He had very limited contact with her well before I even knew that “low contact” & “no contact” were healthy options, but kept his sense of humor through it all. One day we went to a yard sale. He found a pot for houseplants he liked. He commented how it looked like a spittoon from the old west & I agreed. He paid for it then looked at me & said, “Now when Mom comes over, she’ll have a place to spit her chewing tobacco!” She didn’t chew, but the mental picture of this made me laugh.
I’ve laughed at some things regarding my mother too. In high school she accused me of having sex with the entire football team. I’ve never been promiscuous & was a virgin at the time, so the accusation was ridiculous & hurtful. Eventually I found humor in it. My husband has too. Once in a while, he says something about it & we laugh at the stupidity of the comment.
Sometimes, even in the midst of dark times, humor can be a blessing. My husband’s favorite ring tone is Bach’s Toccata & Fugue in D minor, which happens to be the well known theme song from the old scary movie, “Tales From The Crypt.” It’s very morbid sounding yet beautiful. Anyway, while in the ER with his father one night, one of his sisters called, triggering that ring tone. In spite of the serious situation, he & a few nurses laughed at the ring tone which helped lighten everyone’s mood. Also, the night we received the death notification about my mother, the funeral home called my husband’s cell as we were talking with a police officer. Again, Bach’s song played when his phone rang. The poor policeman looked horrified, but it made me laugh. Inappropriate? Sure, but I was so shaken up, that laugh helped to calm me a bit so I could focus on the task at hand.
I know when times are painful, it can feel impossible to laugh. It may even feel disrespectful to find humor in such a somber situation. But if at all possible, I want to encourage you to try to find some humor in the situation. It often can be done. It also can be an incredibly helpful coping mechanism, so why not use it?
Rather than be offended & hurt by the lies the narcissist accuses you of, try to find the humor in it. Often their lies are so incredibly outrageous, they’re funny! Really! Look at my mother’s lies about me with the entire high school football team. I was in her presence constantly & had no time for that even if I had the inclination. It was an outrageous & stupid thing to say. No doubt the narcissist in your life has also said outrageous & stupid things about you.
I also hope you find a reason to laugh every day. Find a comedian you like & listen to his or her routines often. Watch funny movies or tv shows. Spend time with your friends who make you laugh. Doing these things will improve your mental health. You’ll be happier & enjoy life more.
I recently watched a show about cults, & this episode featured the Heaven’s Gate cult. The entire story is interesting, but something said during an interview with an anti-cult lawyer really got my attention.
He was talking about how in cults, many people are forced to change their name to something very different, & Heaven’s Gate was no exception. He said something to the effect that many cult leaders require this of anyone who wishes to join them. It is a way to shed their old identity & take up a new one. Interesting, no?
It made me think of something. Many of us who have suffered narcissistic abuse have changed our names. I’ve done it. My parents always referred to me as “Cindy”. Now I ask no one call me that, & call me “Cynthia” instead. Other people may take this to a more extreme place & legally change their name to something entirely different, sometimes even changing their last name as well.
In any case, I think this is a good idea however it’s done.
When narcissists are involved with something, that thing can be tainted somehow. As an example, if you dated a narcissist who loved the same restaurant you love, after breaking up, you probably won’t want to visit that restaurant anymore. The same kind of thing can happen with your name. My parents never, ever called me Cynthia. My mother always said she loved the name Cindy, & C-I-N-D-Y is the only correct way to spell the name. As a result, Cindy feels nothing like the person I am, but the dysfunctional mess that I used to be. The person my parents created. By choosing to go by Cynthia, I took their power away by essentially killing off Cindy. As far as I’m concerned, that person no longer exists & will NOT be resurrected under any circumstances. Cynthia is the person that I’ve created, & the narcissists who have been in my life have absolutely no part in her.
If you’re reading this today, I hope you’ll consider what I’ve said. Whether you opt to alter your given name slightly, change its spelling or legally change it to something entirely different, it really can be a healing move. It empowers you by giving you control over something you should have control over. At the same time, it also helps you to shed the person that the narcissist in your life tried to turn you into. I can tell you, after years of being Cynthia, when I look at old things with Cindy on it, such as papers from when I was in school, it feels very different. When I look at my old name, even in my handwriting, it feels as if that is someone else I once knew & quite frankly, never really liked.
One final thought.. if you do opt to do this, if possible, I really don’t recommend telling the narcissist what you have done. If he or she is still in your life, then they will ruin it for you, & you’ll be right back to square one. You making a change to your name in any way will offend the narcissist, because it’s something you decided to do & followed through doing all on your own, without his or her input. Because of this, that will gain disapproval & anger. It’s better not to let the narcissist know this. My parents died without knowing I asked people to call me Cynthia. I did once tell my mother I preferred Cynthia, which shocked her, but I always signed cards to my parents Cindy, as she preferred. I knew who I was, in spite of them, so it wasn’t a big deal. It was a small price to pay to keep the peace in that area.
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Many narcissists, in particular covert ones, love to portray themselves as victims no matter how badly they have abused someone. They prefer to hide behind the mask of innocent victim than to show people the ugly truth, that they are evil & abusive. Unfortunately countless people fall for their victim act. Real victims act very differently, & those who have bought a narcissist’s victim act think this means the real victim is the one faking it, not the narcissist.
People need to be able to identify a genuine victim from a narcissist’s victim act in order to avoid being pulled into a narcissist’s abusive web. I think this can be especially beneficial when applied to people met online. So many victims join support groups & forums looking to meet others who share their experiences only to learn someone they met in one of those places is actually a narcissist.
There are some behaviors narcissists do that give away the fact that they aren’t real victims. One thing they do is only tell their side of the story. What I mean is narcissists will talk about how the other person yelled at them or called the police on them, yet not share any information on what led up to that scenario. They make it sound like the other person just snapped suddenly for no good reason, & attacked them. A real victim doesn’t do that. They tell the entire story, not leaving out selected parts that might make them look bad.
Along those lines, if a narcissist feels they must mention some bad behavior they have done, they make excuses for it. For example, say they hit their victim in a fit of rage. They will find ways to blame the other person for making them hit them. Or, they will excuse it away, maybe saying the other person hit them first. A real victim doesn’t make excuses or blame others for their bad actions. They admit their bad behavior & accept responsibility for what they have done, no matter how ashamed of it they are.
Narcissists also turn any conversation back to their situation, even when speaking with victims such as in an online group. Real victims support each other. Sure, they share examples from their own life some, but they keep the focus on the person doing the talking.
Narcissists talk about the situation over & over. They tell their story to anyone who will listen, even if the listener isn’t interested. They seem to want to tell everyone how badly they were treated. Real victims don’t talk to anyone & everyone about their story. They are selective with whom they discuss their situation. Even if they are like me & write publicly about it, when it comes to discussing it, they still are selective.
Narcissists want pity. They want to be seen as a completely innocent victim who did nothing to deserve what was done to them, so people will pity them. Real victims don’t look for pity. Empathy is great as is support, but pity isn’t something real victims want.
Narcissists expect everyone to understand their plight & offer them validation. Real victims aren’t like that. They know not everyone can relate to their situation. They know not everyone will care that they were abused. They don’t need external validation. They know what they have been through, & that is enough for them.
Everyone needs to be aware of these behaviors in others, in particular victims of narcissistic abuse. Not everyone who says they were abused by a narcissist is truly a victim. There are plenty of wolves in sheep’s clothing out there, who look for true victims to meet the sick needs they have. Consider a person’s behavior rather than blindly believing someone who tells you they are a victim of abuse.
2 Corinthians 5:17 says that anyone who is born again is a new creation in Christ. I have learned though that other things can make a person feel almost as if they are reborn, just not quite to that same extreme.
This has happened twice in my life. The first time was in February, 2015 when I nearly died from Carbon Monoxide Poisoning. The poison made me pass out for about 25 minutes, & from what I understand from a doctor, usually people who are out for 20 minutes from carbon monoxide never wake up. That was so hard to grasp! Literally, I should have died but I survived! Plus, the lack of oxygen that the poisoning creates often does permanent brain damage & I also suffered a concussion (I believe) from hitting my head when I passed out. Both of these factors changed my personality quite drastically. It was all a lot to get used to in addition to the long term physical symptoms.
The second time was when my mother died in April, 2019. As the police told me that she had passed & I had to go to her home immediately to deal with having her remains taken to the funeral home, I felt this sensing that my life as I knew it was over. That sensing turned out to be right!
Although both of these events were traumatic & very difficult, I came to realize something. Although I’m not grateful they happened, I’m grateful for the changes they brought.
The changes in my personality from the poisoning mean I have no further tolerance whatsoever for abusive people. As soon as someone starts showing signs of being controlling or manipulative, I kick them out of my life, usually without a word because people like that won’t realize they were wrong or change their behavior anyway. I realized there’s no point in wasting my time.
I also got very protective of my husband & our little family. I know first hand just how quickly life can end & won’t allow any threats to my loved ones.
When my mother died, something in me seemed to die too, but that isn’t a bad thing. I no longer struggle so much with shame on a daily basis. I’m also much less anxious in general now, however sometimes when I am anxious, it’s worse than it once was. Somehow I’m able to cope with it pretty well.
I also learned that my mother is in Heaven, my prayers were answered. God has seen fit to bless me by sharing some messages from her, which is just incredible.
Somehow along the way, I also lost the need for external validation. I’ve gotten quite good at validating myself! Sure, I backslide periodically, but it doesn’t happen often.
What has happened in your life that has made you feel as if you were reborn? What changed after those moments? I don’t mean the traumatic moments that changed you or contributed to you having PTSD or C-PTSD. I mean life altering moments that although they were very hard to get through, eventually worked out well for you like mine did.
Some moments that can lead a person to feel this way include things like coming close to death or losing a loved one like me, but there are other things too. Moving, ending or beginning a new relationship, changing jobs, changing careers, having a child, having a child leave home, caring for an elderly loved one… there is no end to the things that can alter a person’s life drastically.
If you have experienced the reborn feeling, I would like to urge you to consider the good that has come from the experience. If you really think about it, I’m sure you can find some good in your situation. I find great comfort when I learn my suffering had a purpose, & you may experience the same thing, which is why I hope you will do this. xoxo
Anyone who has been subjected to narcissistic abuse knows that unless it affects a narcissist, a narcissist isn’t going to care about it. Period. As if that isn’t bad enough, they train victims to feel the same way. No matter what happens to a victim, it isn’t important. You could be lying in a pool of blood after someone hacked off your leg while the narcissist with you has a cold, & that narcissist will do their best to convince you that your freshly severed leg is no big deal. Their sniffles though, now that is a crisis, so you need to stop whining about your leg!
Narcissists manage to convince victims of the lack of importance of their problems subtly. They’re so subtle, most of us don’t even pay attention to what they are doing until years later when we realize it.
My overtly narcissistic mother simply ignored my problems. I might as well have said nothing, because she would act as if I didn’t say anything or talk over me to change the subject. There were other times if she did listen, she would blame me for the problem, even when I wasn’t at fault.
My father & ex husband, both covert narcissists, used a different tactic. They would let me talk, listening to every word I said. It seemed like they cared, but they didn’t. They wouldn’t respond like a normal person & say “I’m sorry that happened to you” or “Are you ok? Can I do anything to help?” Instead, they would tell me how upset they were or how hard my problem was for them.
For example, the night in 1990 when I was 19 & my mother threw me into a wall, both my father & ex husband turned that into their crisis. My ex said how upset he was that my mother did this, he was furious with her for hurting my back, etc. etc. Not once that evening or in the years following did he offer me any comfort.
My father brought up that night periodically until he died. Mostly about how awful it was that when he walked out, my mother locked him out of the house. His keys were in his pocket & he could’ve come back inside at any time. He also mentioned how bad the damage was where my mother threw me into. It took him time to patch it up. A couple of years before he died, my father literally said to me, “It’s ok.. you don’t have to apologize for busting up that wall. I fixed it & it’s all over.” I was blown away! Why would I apologize? Yes, it was me that broke a wall but not due to my own carelessness! It was because my mother, who was much stronger than me, threw me into the thing! And for the record, I told him this.
Although narcissists are clearly very good at training their victims to think their problems don’t matter, that doesn’t mean they are correct. Not by a long shot, in fact. For some reason, I never saw it until a few months after my mother died. That is when I suddenly realized how it happened & how terrible it is! I repeatedly have told myself that it wasn’t so bad, how my parents & ex treated me. I’ve even doubted having C-PTSD in spite of flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, depression & more.
Please learn from my experiences! Don’t buy the narcissist’s lies! What happens to you *is* important! It does matter! Acknowledge your experiences for whatever they were. Admit to yourself that you did great sometimes in spite of what the narcissist tells you. Also admit that the traumatic ones were bad. There is nothing wrong with that! In fact, it’s a good thing to do because once you realize that, you can start to heal.
Every once in a while, I hear someone say they are grateful for the terrible things that happened to them at the hands of an abuser, because those awful things made them stronger or made them who they are today. Honestly, I’m not sure that this is a good thing. It may sound empowering, but really… is it truly good to be grateful for suffering horrific abuse even when good came from it? I just don’t know. It sounds too close to toxic positivity for me, but I can’t say with 100% certainty I’m right about that. It may just be something that each person needs to decide for themselves if it is good for them or not.
What I do know though, is that whether or not you’re grateful for those terrible things, it’s a good idea to be grateful in general. It helps to appreciate your loving husband, great kids, a secure job & whatever else is going on in your life. A grateful attitude can help alleviate or at least lessen depression so naturally you should be grateful for the good things.
While it may be hard, I really think it’s good to appreciate the good that came from the bad things in your life too. It’s taken me quite some time, but I eventually became grateful for all that I learned as a result of the narcissists & their abuse in my life.
I can spot a narcissist easily now, rather than simply ignore my instincts that were saying I should run for the hills rather than deal with this person.
If somehow I end up forced to deal with a narcissist, now I know how to deal with them in ways that protect my mental health. There will be no more narcissists defining who I am.
Also if I end up forced to deal with one, I know ways to set boundaries now that prevent them from taking advantage of me.
My tolerance for abuse in any form is now gone. I have no problem calling out abusive behavior whether it’s done to me or to someone else. If it’s done to me, & someone reading this has been abusive to me, just know that you are going to be the subject of at least a blog post or two, YouTube video or maybe even a book at some point. Probably you already have been in one of these roles by now.
I love the fact that the awful experiences in my life had a purpose. Being able to write about such things & help others learn, grow & heal is incredibly rewarding. It helps me to cope. I can be less angry about the abuse knowing it all had a purpose.
Also, being through the horrors of abuse means I appreciate good people in my life more than the average person. Those who haven’t been abused tend to take good people for granted much easier than those who have. Appreciating good people just feels good, & that leads you to seek out other good people while rejecting toxic people. It also strengthens relationships with good people because you can’t help but to let them know they are appreciated.
The more grateful you are, the more grateful you become. Certainly that is a very good thing!
So what good things can you think of in your life that are a direct result of surviving abuse? I’m sure if you think about it, there are plenty of good things. Whether you are grateful for the horrors you’ve experienced or not, I really would like to encourage you to be grateful for the good that has come from it all. It can be very good for your mental health! xoxo
There are some very clear ways to identify a survivor of child abuse. These symptoms also are detrimental to the mental health of said survivors. If you recognize these behaviors in yourself, then please don’t beat yourself up. We’ve all been there! Try to accept them as nothing more than a sign of having experienced some really terrible things, then find ways to heal from them however work best for you.
If you’re wondering where to start changing these behaviors in you, the best place I know of is what I always recommend. Prayer. Ask God to help you to be healthier & to heal from the trauma you have experienced. He truly will! One thing I do is when something comes up, I ask Him to tell me the truth about it. “Am I right to feel *insert feeling here*? Why or why not?” & listen for His response.
Read about the type of abuse you experienced. Chances are, you’ll find other survivors experience similar things to you. Learning there are others out there going through what you are can be extremely validating. It also will help you to learn how to cope with what you’re experiencing when you see how other people got through it.
Do you keep a journal? If not, now is the time to start! Seeing things in writing can be so validating & clarifying. It also can help you to keep track of the truth. Abusers, narcissists in particular, love to reinvent the past, & lie about the present. Having written documentation helps you to keep track of the truth so you don’t get lost in their lies.
I truly wish you the best, Dear Reader. Facing pain & changing dysfunctional behavior isn’t easy. However, it is worth it when you’re healthier, happier & behaving in a much more functional way.
Narcissists & their flying monkey enablers have a very skewed view of what is ok & what isn’t ok, what’s abusive & what isn’t abusive. Narcissists are an extremely entitled bunch & they lack empathy, so in their minds, whatever they want is all that matters. Hurting others isn’t important. And, their flying monkeys agree wholeheartedly. So what if someone gets hurt? The narcissist is the important one, after all.
These people act like certain abusive behaviors are completely normal. In time, this can make victims think the narcissist is right, that they are wrong for being upset about something that is supposed to be so normal. More subdued abusive behaviors often fall into this category.
Also, many abuse victims develop a very thick skin when it comes to abuse. This comes from being abused repeatedly. If an abuser isn’t screaming at them or physically assaulting them, they sometimes don’t think they are being abused. Unfortunately abuse isn’t always so easy to spot. It can be subtle, but equally abusive. This post will describe some of the subtle ways a person can abuse.
Taking or relocating your property. When you live with someone, chances are excellent you will move each other’s property at some point. My husband moves my purse if it’s in his way, for example. But when someone hides or even gets rid of something that belongs to you, that is abnormal! It is also abusive if the person blames you for forgetting that you moved or got rid of the item when they are the one who did it. That is gaslighting!
Controlling behavior. Telling you what to say, how to act, how to look, what to wear, hiding your car keys so you can’t go anywhere are all abusive, even if there are no physical threats to go along with the control. No one has the right to control another person.
Sexual violations. Someone who uses guilt & shame to force you to perform a sexual act that is something you really don’t want to do or causes you pain is just as guilty as the masked man who rapes you at knife point. Just because a weapon wasn’t used doesn’t make this ok. It’s not ok if you’re married either. Being married doesn’t give anyone the right to be sexually abusive.
The silent treatment. While the silent treatment isn’t usually considered abusive, it actually is. If you don’t know what the person’s up to, the silent treatment can make you do almost anything to win the favor back of the person not speaking to you. It sets you up to be controlled & manipulated while damaging your self-esteem. Once you understand what the silent treatment is about though, it can be a pleasant respite from the abuse.
Being confusing & unreasonable during a disagreement. Most people try to work together to a solution when involved in a disagreement, even if things are heated. An abusive behavior is instead of working on a solution, talking in circles, trying to focus on something other than the issue at hand, projecting their flaws onto you, bringing up past arguments, & gaslighting.
Please remember not to normalize or excuse abuse. Behavior like this is NOT normal & there is no excuse for anyone to act this way. Even if it happened “only once”, there is still no excuse for it. Instead, admit the truth, that such actions are abusive & terrible. You also need to accept that you have done nothing wrong, & you did nothing to deserve such treatment. You have every right to be upset about what was done to you. You also have every right to protect yourself from further abuse so set those boundaries & take good care of yourself!