Suggestions For Managing Triggers

Anyone who has been through trauma is familiar with triggers.  Triggers are anything that reminds you of trauma or prompts a flashback.  They can be as obvious as seeing your abuser or they can be more subtle like hearing a song your abuser listened to often.  Whatever the trigger is doesn’t really matter.  What matters is how you cope with them.  Today we are going to discuss some helpful tips in managing the painful emotions associated with triggers.  These tips also help when suffering flashbacks.

Grounding techniques are helpful for dealing with flashbacks but also with triggers.  Grounding involves focusing on something else other than the flashback or trigger.  To do this, you need to involve your senses.  I find it especially helpful to use things that are very obvious, such as the smell of lavender or touching a very coarse or soft fabric.  When something is so obvious, it kind of hijacks the senses, & demands your focus.  This is particularly useful during flashbacks since they tend to want to override your reality. 

Move!  The simple act of moving your body can shift your body’s physical response to triggers & enable you to deal with them emotionally.  You don’t have to go for a jog or ride a skateboard.  Simply walking around or even looking at your surroundings can be enough to help. 

Remind yourself of what is happening to you.  Remind yourself that you are safe.  You are simply being reminded of something that was traumatic.  That doesn’t mean you are in any danger.  The trigger is a normal part of being traumatized or abused, & there is nothing wrong with you for experiencing it. 

Snuggle your beloved pet.  Animals are the BEST!  They offer unconditional love, companionship, entertainment & more.  They are also wonderful for helping during darker times such as during flashbacks & triggers.  If you are experiencing this pain, snuggle your furbaby & let them help you.  There can be so much comfort in this!  In fact, did you know that there is healing in cat purrs?  It’s true!  The sound is known to release endorphins not only in cats but in humans as well.  This means a purring kitty can help you to lower your stress level & even lower your blood pressure!  Cats truly are magical!

Don’t judge yourself for being triggered.  It can be hard not to do this sometimes, but it is important not to judge yourself when triggered.  It only adds to your frustration & even shame, & there is no point in it!  Instead, accept that they are a normal part of life after trauma.

Don’t try to avoid triggers.  As tempting as it may be to try to avoid triggers, doing so isn’t healthy.  For one thing, it’s very frustrating since avoiding them completely is impossible.  For another, avoiding them doesn’t help you to heal.  If you look at triggers as a sign you need healing in specific areas, then focus on healing in those areas, you heal & grow a little more with each trigger you face.  And as an added bonus, the things that once were painful triggers stop hurting so much.  The pain may not entirely disappear, but it at the very least will diminish greatly.  There may be times you need to take a break from emotional healing work & avoid your triggers when possible, but for the sake of your mental health, don’t try to avoid them permanently!

Triggers are a totally normal part of life after trauma, but they don’t have to rule your life.  You can use them to your advantage, & heal & grow from them.

Some Truths About Healing From Abuse

Abuse is a traumatic experience that can leave lasting scars on a person’s mind, body, & soul.  While some people believe that victims of abuse can heal completely, the reality is that some things are impossible to heal from in a lifetime.  Unfortunately, many victims are made to feel as though they’re doing something wrong if they don’t heal or if God doesn’t deliver them.  However, the Bible tells us that God will continue to perfect & complete us until the day of Christ.  In the meantime, we can find comfort in knowing that God is with us, even in the darkest of times.

As a victim of abuse myself, I know firsthand the struggles of healing & the pressure to heal quickly & completely.  However, I also know that there should be no timetable for healing & that it’s not a linear process. 

When I first began my healing journey, I felt immense pressure to heal completely & quickly.  I thought that if I just prayed hard enough or tried hard enough, I would be able to erase all the pain of the trauma that I had experienced.  When that didn’t happen, I felt ashamed of my weakness & lack of faith.  However, as time went on, I realized that healing is not quick & easy, each person’s healing journey is unique,  there is no right or wrong way to heal & how you heal isn’t an accurate way to measure your faith in God.

It’s also disturbingly common for people to believe that healing means completely forgetting about the past or never feeling pain again.  However, this is wrong & damaging to victims.  Healing is about learning to live with the past & finding ways to cope with the pain.  It’s about developing resilience & self-compassion, even in the midst of our struggles.

The pressure to heal completely can be harmful & counterproductive.  It can lead to feelings of shame & inadequacy, which can further delay the healing process.  It’s important to have a healthier view of healing.

Self-compassion is a vital aspect of the healing journey.  It involves treating ourselves with the same kindness, concern, & understanding that we would offer to anyone we love.  Self-compassion allows us to acknowledge our pain without judgment & to be patient & gentle with ourselves as we navigate our healing journey.

For many victims of abuse, faith can play a significant role in the healing process, but that doesn’t mean if you just have enough faith, God will heal you completely.  He may do that sometimes but the majority of times, He helps you to work out your healing.  One of the most powerful Scriptures is Psalm 23:4.  In the Amplified Bible, it tells us, “Even though I walk through the [sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] & Your staff [to guide], they comfort & console me.”  This verse is a wonderful reminder that God is with us, even in the darkest of times.  We don’t have to go through our struggles alone & God is there to guide & comfort us.  As a side note, faith also can provide a sense of purpose & meaning in our struggles.  It helps us to see our pain as a part of a larger plan & to trust that God will use our experiences for good. 

Healing from abuse is a complex & challenging process.  It’s important to remember that healing is not a destination but a journey, & there is no right or wrong way to heal.  The pressure to heal completely can be harmful & counterproductive, & it’s essential to show ourselves kindness & compassion throughout the process.  It’s important to remember that God will help us to heal, there is no timeline on healing, & no one has the right to judge your healing journey.

What Exactly Is Self Love?

It’s easy to throw around the term “self love” these days, but what does it really mean?  Is it just bubble baths & pep talking yourself?  Or, is it something much deeper?  Self love is not just a feel-good buzzword.  It’s a way of life that can help you live a more fulfilling & authentic life. 

Self love starts with being your authentic self.  This means embracing who you truly are, flaws & all.  It means not trying to be someone else to please others or fit in.  It means being honest with yourself & others about your feelings, thoughts, & beliefs.  When you are your authentic self, you are living in alignment with your values & priorities.  Being your authentic self can be scary, especially if you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse.  It means putting yourself out there & risking rejection.  It’s worth it though.  When you are true to yourself, you attract people who accept & appreciate you for who you really are.  You also feel more confident & self-assured.

To become more authentic, start by reflecting on who you truly are.  Ask yourself some questions like, what are your values, passions, & priorities?  What makes you unique? Then, start showing up as that person in your daily life.  Speak up when you have something to say.  Embrace your quirks.  Pursue your passions.  The more you embrace your authentic self, the more self love you will cultivate.

We all make mistakes.  It’s a natural part of being human.  When we beat ourselves up for those mistakes, we are not practicing self love.  Part of self love is forgiving yourself for your mistakes & moving on.  Forgiveness is not about excusing bad behavior or pretending that everything is ok.  It’s about acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility for your actions, & moving forward in a positive direction.  When you forgive yourself, you release the negative emotions that are holding you back & create space for self love & growth.

To forgive yourself, start by acknowledging your mistakes.  Take responsibility for what happened & apologize if necessary to others & even to yourself.  Then, focus on what you can learn from the experience & how you can grow from it.  Remember that mistakes are often opportunities for growth & self-improvement.

Self love also means taking care of your mental & physical health.  This includes getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, & taking care of your emotional well being.

Self care is not selfish.  It’s essential for your overall health & well-being.  When you take care of yourself, you have more energy, feel stronger mentally & physically, & are better able to handle stress & challenges.

Practice mindfulness to reduce stress & improve your emotional well being.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  Whether it’s seeing a therapist or reaching out to a friend, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Self love is not a one time event or only one thing you can do for yourself.  It’s a lifelong journey of self discovery, growth, & acceptance.  When you practice self love, you are living a life that is true to your values & priorities.  You are living a life that is fulfilling, joyful, & authentic.

Today, I want to encourage you to take the first step on your journey of self love.  Embrace your authentic self.  Forgive yourself for your mistakes.  Take care of your mental & physical health.  Always remember, self love is not selfish.  It’s essential.

Understanding Your Emotional State After Abuse

Living through abuse can be one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through.  Abuse victims often experience ongoing trauma, such as growing up with abusive parents & later marrying an abusive man or woman.  This means that they can be left feeling overwhelmed & exhausted by their horrific experiences.  It can be easy to become frustrated with yourself for not being able to “bounce back” quickly.  It’s important to remember that humans were not designed to experience trauma, & it’s completely normal for it to make you feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning.

It’s equally important to be gentle & kind with yourself, but in particular after experiencing trauma.  Always remember that it’s not a sign of weakness to feel traumatized, or even develop PTSD or C-PTSD.  It’s a sign that you are a human being with feelings, & that you have experienced something that is incredibly difficult to process.

I firmly believe that a relationship with God is vital, & invaluable with helping a person to heal after experiencing abuse.  He is so loving & gentle, & gladly will offer you all the comfort you need, guide you in ways to help yourself to heal, give you strength when you feel weak & anything else you need.

There will be times when you don’t function well either mentally or physically after trauma, & that is normal.  It doesn’t mean you’re weak, flawed or crazy.  In fact, it’s a sign of strength that you are still standing & doing your best to manage despite all that you’ve been through!  Don’t be mad at yourself for these times that you may experience, because it will only make you feel worse.  Instead, take a moment to recognize & honor the strength that you have.

In order to heal, it’s important to take the time to fully process your pain.  This can be done through prayer, journaling, talking to a trusted friend, seeking out professional help with someone educated in trauma recovery or a combination of all of these things.  Taking the time to process your pain can help to reduce the intensity of your emotions, which will allow you to move through your trauma in a healthier way.

It’s also important to recognize that healing doesn’t happen overnight.  It’s a process that takes a lot of time, often even a lifetime.

It can be difficult to be patient & kind with yourself when you feel overwhelmed & exhausted by trauma. However, always  remember that you are a strong person who is capable of healing with God’s help.  Remind yourself that He is on your side, that you are doing the best you can & that it’s ok to have times when you struggle more than other times.

It also is important to practice good self care. Take some time for yourself often to do things that make you feel good & bring you joy.  This could be anything – taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, reading a book or watching a movie.  Taking the time to focus on yourself & your own needs helps to reduce stress & makes it easier to manage your trauma.

Living through trauma is an incredibly difficult experience & it can be easy to become overwhelmed by the experience. It’s important to remember that humans weren’t designed to experience trauma & it’s normal to feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning. It’s not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength that you survived something so traumatic. It’s important to be gentle & kind with yourself & to take the time to fully process your pain. By taking care of yourself, you can move through your trauma in a healthier way.

What It Really Means When Narcissists Accuse And Insult Their Victims

Narcissists are masters at something called projection.  Basically, this is when they accuse someone of doing things that they truly haven’t done, but the narcissist does on a regular basis.  For example, a narcissist who accuses you of lying is most likely a liar. 

Until you know about what they are doing, it can be tough to handle this sort of behavior.  It’s painful & baffling when you are accused of doing things that you never have done or, in many cases, never even considered doing.  I know, since I’ve been there.  When I was in my late teens, some of the things my mother accused me of doing were astonishing because they never even crossed my mind. 

Another thing narcissists project onto their victims are their own insecurities.  The narcissist who feels unattractive will call their victim ugly, or the narcissist who is insecure about their intelligence tells their victim often how stupid they are.  When a narcissist does this often enough & with such conviction, victims usually take their cruel words to heart.  Again, I know as I’ve done this too.  This is how I ended up battling anorexia at age 10.  My mother constantly told me how fat I was, & at that young age, the only way I thought I could lose weight was to stop eating.

Today, I want to encourage those of you who have been in this situation, or are still in it. 

A helpful piece of advice I can give you is this.. when a narcissist accuses you of something you have done or said something negative about you, think about it for a moment.  Ask yourself what evidence is there that what they said is accurate?  Chances are, there is none.  Then, consider the narcissist.  Has he or she ever shown signs of either doing or wanting to do the thing they said you did?  I bet there is some evidence, even a small amount, that they have done that thing.  Or, if the narcissist insulted you, think about them.  Did the narcissist call you stupid, yet acts as if they know it all, for example?  My ex husband frequently let me know he thought he was supremely intelligent & I was stupid, & he acted as if he knew everything.  Looking back, I realize what appeared to be confidence was simply concealing the fact he knew I was smarter than he was.  By acting like he was smarter than me, he made me believe that was true.  Narcissists often do this sort of thing with projection.

If you are unsure of answers to such questions, then ask God for help.  Ask Him to show you the truth about the situation, because He will be more than happy to do so.  In fact, do it whether or not you are sure of the answers, because He gladly will show you all that you need to know, even things that you have missed.

Remember that when a narcissist projects or insults you, they are giving you insight into themselves.  They are telling you things that they will do & areas where they feel badly about themselves.  They aren’t saying such things because they are true.  Far from it.  This is how they process their flaws & insecurities.  By accusing you of these things, it allows them to be angry about their own problems while accepting no responsibility for them or working to change themselves.  It has nothing to do with you at all.  Projection, like everything else related to narcissists, is all about them.

Avoid Dysfunctional People Who Have No Interest In Healing

Dysfunctional people are those who have experienced trauma or other negative life events that have affected their mental health & well-being.  They can struggle with addiction, depression, anxiety, or a plethora of other mental health issues.  Sadly, some dysfunctional people become so committed to their dysfunction that they have no tolerance for anything functional or healthy.

These individuals may try to bring others down to their level by discouraging healthy habits or behaviors.  For example, if you are trying to eat a healthy diet, they may tell you that you are missing out on all the good foods & that you should indulge in unhealthy options.  They may also try to sabotage your efforts by tempting you with unhealthy foods or behaviors.

Such people also frequently try to silence others who have been through trauma, especially if the trauma is similar to theirs.  They don’t want to be reminded of the pain they’re working hard to avoid or they feel badly about themselves when they see someone else conquering the same demons they are too afraid to face.  Shutting down others in similar situations is an effective way for them to avoid these feelings.

It is important to remember that dysfunctional people are not necessarily bad people.  They are struggling with their own demons.  They don’t know how to overcome them & lack the courage to try.  However, it is not our responsibility to fix or rescue them.  We must prioritize our own mental health & well-being, & that means setting boundaries with those who aren’t good to or for us.

If you find yourself in a relationship or friendship with someone who is dysfunctional & unwilling to heal, it is important to protect yourself from their toxicity.  This can mean setting boundaries or even ending the relationship altogether.

Setting boundaries with dysfunctional people can be difficult, especially if they are family members or close friends.  However, it is important to remember that you have the right to prioritize your own well-being.  This means limiting contact with them or avoiding certain topics of conversation.

If you have experienced trauma or abuse in your own life, it can be especially difficult to navigate relationships with dysfunctional people.  They can be incredibly frustrating if you have worked on your healing, & their behavior can be very upsetting, even triggering.  It may be necessary to end the relationship altogether, especially if they’re negatively affecting you somehow.  This can be a difficult decision, but you need to remember that you deserve to be around people who support & uplift you.

It’s particularly helpful in such situations to reach out for support from God, other believers, a trusted friend, family member, or even a counselor.

While it can be difficult to set boundaries or end relationships, it is important to prioritize our own needs & protect ourselves from toxic influences such as dysfunctional people who aren’t interested in their own healing.  Although we are called to love & care for those around us, we need to remember that we can’t pour from an empty cup.  Take care of yourself first, & then you can be a blessing to those around you.

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Why Victims Of Child Abuse Are Often Drawn To Unusual Things

Growing up with a childhood of abuse has many deep lasting effects that follow us into adulthood.  One of those effects can be an attraction to things that are unusual or have been judged negatively by society.  People from childhoods marked by abuse often find themselves drawn to things others may not understand.  For example, it’s not uncommon for those with histories of child abuse to be drawn to thunderstorms, scary stories, true crime documentaries, abandoned homes, old furniture, animals that are feared, & plants that are perceived to be “weeds.”

This kind of unusual attraction can be because on some level, these unusual things provide solace and comfort to the abuse survivors, a sense of kinship that has been absent from their lives.  When a person has grown up knowing fully well that they are unloved & unwanted, it is natural for them to develop an affinity for things of life that have been discarded by other people.

When abuse survivors encounter unusual things like old toys or animals that nobody seems to care about, they unconsciously recognize something familiar in those objects or creatures.  They empathize with them & the rejection they have endured.  They also want to let them know that they are not the only ones who have been ostracized.  Child abuse survivors can also develop a powerful bond with the natural world.  Storms, in particular, give them a feeling of inner peace.

Another reason why victims of child abuse are often drawn to unusual things is that it provides a sense of comfort & security — something that was often lacking in an abusive childhood.  These unusual things won’t reject them as their parents did, & in the case of animals, offer them unconditional love, possibly for the first time in their life.

Being drawn to scary stories & true crime offer an outlet for the feelings they never were able to feel for themselves.  It’s perfectly acceptable to feel compassion & empathy for victims in such stories, which gives victims a safe outlet for those emotions they should’ve been allowed to feel for themselves.

Another common behavior for a child abuse survivor may be when they find insects in their home to let them out unharmed instead of crushing them, as though life is too precious to be taken away from anyone – even the smallest of creatures.  The feeling of wanting no one & no thing to feel the way they have been feeling is, by its nature, a deeply profound & powerful emotion, which explains why child abuse survivors develop an affinity with the unusual.

The ability to find solace in the unusual can show tremendous strength & resilience in the face of adversity.  It gives victims of child abuse a way to take back control of their lives & find something positive in a situation where many would see only darkness.  By finding joy in strange & unusual things, victims of child abuse can reclaim their lives & find a newfound sense of self-worth.

Understanding Shame Based Trauma Responses

Shame based trauma means growing up in an environment where every mistake, every flaw, & every aspect of your true self was met with shame & ridicule.  Whether it was through emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, the shame inflicted during formative years leaves a lasting impact on adult lives.  Healing is possible, but it takes some time & learning who we are as children of God. 

Overthinking is a common response to shame based trauma as it becomes a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from any possible abusive reaction.  Constantly analyzing every situation & anticipating potential negative outcomes allows us to stay one step ahead, or so we believe.  However, overthinking is exhausting & detrimental to our mental health.

When we have been shamed for even normal aspects of ourselves such as appearance, personality, or interests, it becomes ingrained in our psyche that we must constantly be on guard.  We second guess our decisions, replay conversations in our minds, & obsess over every detail.  Overthinking becomes a way to avoid potential shame & criticism, but it also keeps us trapped in a cycle of self doubt & anxiety.

To break free from overthinking, it is crucial to challenge shame based beliefs that fuel this response.  Learn to question these beliefs, & ask God to tell you the truth about them, rather than simply accepting them.

Another common response to shame based trauma is over apologizing.  When we have been shamed for the most basic aspects of ourselves, we develop a deep fear of conflict & a desire to avoid further abuse.  Apologizing excessively becomes a way to deescalate situations & minimize the chance for conflict.

However, this constant need to apologize can be detrimental to self esteem.  It reinforces the belief that we are inherently flawed & responsible for the actions of others.  Over apologizing also can lead to feelings of resentment or frustration in our relationships.

To overcome over apologizing, it is essential to recognize that we have a right to take up space, have & express needs, & set boundaries.  Building self confidence & assertiveness skills can help us find a balance between acknowledging our mistakes & taking responsibility, without unnecessarily apologizing for who we are.

Shame based trauma can also impact our ability to trust ourselves & others.  When we have been shamed for not meeting unrealistic expectations or for failing to blindly trust those who hurt & abuse us, we begin to doubt our intuition & judgment.  This leads to being too trusting as a defense mechanism, as we fear the consequences of not trusting others.

Being too trusting leads to further abuse & exploitation.  We find ourselves repeatedly drawn to toxic relationships or falling prey to manipulators & abusers, leading to repeated disappointment & betrayal.

Rebuilding trust in ourselves & others requires healing & learning.  It involves recognizing & validating our own emotions & intuition, setting healthy boundaries, & surrounding ourselves with only safe, supportive & trustworthy people. 

After a lack of healthy bonding to abusive parents, it is natural to experience anxiety in connecting with others.  The innate human desire for connection remains, but the fear of being hurt or rejected becomes deeply ingrained.  This fear can manifest as social anxiety, fear of intimacy, or difficulty forming & maintaining relationships.

When we have been shamed for the most fundamental aspects of ourselves, we may struggle with feelings of unworthiness & a belief that we are inherently unlovable.  This makes it challenging to trust others & reveal our true selves, as we fear being met with further shame & rejection.

Overcoming this anxiety requires self compassion, healing & exposure to safe people.  It is also important to remember that we are not defined by our past experiences & that we have the capacity to form healthy & fulfilling connections.

Shame based trauma responses have a profound impact on our thoughts, behaviors, & relationships.  However, through getting to know who God says we are, self awareness, & healing, we can break free from these patterns & cultivate a life filled with self acceptance, healthy boundaries, & meaningful connections.

Extreme Independence Is A Trauma Response

Many of us who have been abused have turned out to be extremely independent.  Although we have relationships in our lives, we try not to rely on other people at all, often even when we really need some help.  And, we often end up angry & resentful because people are so willing to let us help them while they rarely help us.  This makes us withdraw & maintain our independence or even become even more independent.  This behavior reinforces our lack of needing help to others in our lives, so they help or offer to help us even less, & the dysfunctional cycle continues.

Extreme independence is a trauma response in many people, & it happens for valid reasons. 

When you grow up with abusive parents, you learn people can’t be trusted to help you.  Abusive parents fail to meet many of their children’s most basic needs.  Even if they provide food, clothing & shelter, they fail to provide emotional support, to teach their children basic life skills & more.  Instead, they teach their children not to expect them to take care of them, becoming angry with them if they do.  Such treatment teaches children that if they want to avoid other people’s anger, disappointment or being hurt, they need to rely only on themselves when they have needs.

Narcissistic parents are possibly the most effective abusive parents when it comes to creating extremely independent children.  They are too self absorbed to notice let alone care about their children’s needs.  Many also expect their children to take care of them instead of them taking care of their children.  Children in these situations aren’t allowed needs, only the parent is allowed to have them, so children learn to meet their own needs quietly without inconveniencing their parent.  These children also have learned a very painful lesson.  That lesson is when they “bother” their parent with their needs, they are a burden & disappointment to that parent.  Overt narcissistic parents often rage at their children for having the audacity to bother them with their needs.  Covert narcissistic parents are quieter, but still make sure their children know they shouldn’t inconvenience their parent with their needs.  They act disappointed in their child, making the child feel guilty or even ashamed of themselves.  Many narcissistic parents also twist the situation around to return the focus back on the parent.  They may claim they work so hard & sacrifice so much for their child, yet all he or she does is want more.  Or if the parent doesn’t want to meet the child’s need, that parent may claim they are unable to do anything about meeting this need, & even make their child feel badly for them.

Other abusive relationships can cause someone to become extremely independent, too.  Consider the significant other who is too busy with other people to help you when needed or the friend who constantly asks for your help but never helps you.  After being disappointed by these people repeatedly, most people naturally will pull away from them & ask less of them & other people.

If you are extremely independent, learning to be more balanced isn’t easy.  I know, because I struggle with this too.  I also can tell you there is no magical fix for this problem.  It takes time & a willingness to change.  Asking God to help you is the best place to start in my opinion, then do whatever He says to do.  Following His lead will put you on the right path.  Also ask the safe people in your life for help sometimes.  They will be very glad to help you, even if that help is simply to encourage you.  Doing this will help you to gain confidence in the area of asking for help.

Lastly, always continue to learn & grow.  The healthier you become, the easier it becomes to lose toxic habits & mindsets, & also to have a more balanced view of independence.

Normalizing Abnormal Behavior: A Sign Of Dysfunction & Abuse

Imagine an environment where the abnormal becomes normalized, & the normal is deemed abnormal.  Dysfunctional & abusive individuals thrive in these distorted realities.  They manipulate & control others by distorting their perception of what is normal & what is not.  This behavior needs to be understood by everyone so we can empower & protect ourselves.

When someone experiences abuse or trauma, it can be incredibly difficult to face the painful reality.  To protect themselves from the overwhelming emotions & memories, some dysfunctional individuals resort to normalizing abnormal behavior.  By convincing themselves & those around them that deviant actions or attitudes inflicted on them are acceptable, they create a narrative to shield them from the truth they are afraid to confront.

For example, consider a woman who is abused by her partner.  Instead of acknowledging the abuse, she convinces herself that his behavior is normal.  She may tell herself that he is just stressed, that he loves her deep down, or that she deserves this treatment due to her own shortcomings.  By normalizing the abuse, she avoids facing the painful reality that someone she loves is hurting her.  This coping mechanism allows her to maintain the illusion of a stable relationship & prevents her from having to make difficult decisions.

Victims of narcissistic abuse often fall into this trap as well.  Narcissists excel at manipulating others & distorting their perception of reality.  They gaslight victims, making them doubt their own experiences & emotions.  As a result, victims may begin to question their sanity & accept the narcissist’s abnormal behavior as normal.  This normalization of abuse enables the narcissist to continue abusing their victim & maintain their power.

While dysfunctional individuals may use normalizing abnormal behavior as a coping mechanism, abusive individuals employ this tactic as a means of control.  Abusers start by gradually introducing abnormal behavior & convincing their victims that it is normal within the context of their relationship.  They may make derogatory comments disguised as jokes, invade their partner’s privacy, or isolate them from friends & family.  By making their victims accept & internalize their abusive actions, they effectively maintain power & dominance over them.  This insidious manipulation creates an environment where abuse becomes normal.

My first marriage is an excellent example of this.  My ex husband constantly belittled me, dismissed my feelings, & manipulated me into thinking I was always the problem.  He rationalized his behavior by saying other women weren’t like me.  By normalizing his abusive actions & making my healthy objections seem abnormal, he gained control over me.  In time, I believed he was right, I deserved this treatment & that it was a normal part of a relationship, which enabled him to continue & escalate his abuse.

Identifying the signs of normalizing abnormal & abnormalizing normal behavior is crucial in protecting ourselves from toxic people. 

One key red flag to watch out for is gaslighting, or manipulating someone’s perceptions of reality, making them doubt their own experiences & memory.  If someone consistently downplays or dismisses your concerns, emotions, or the impact of hurtful or abusive actions, it’s a sign that they are attempting to normalize abnormal behavior.  And, if they say something is wrong with you for your normal or healthy wants, feelings, likes, behaviors, beliefs, etc., that is a red flag that they’re trying to make the normal, abnormal.

Also, trust your intuition.  If something feels off, listen to your gut instinct.  Our intuition senses when something is abnormal or unhealthy, well before our rational mind.  Pay attention to any feelings of unease or discomfort.  Ask God for clarity & seek support from safe individuals who can provide a fresh perspective.

Normalizing abnormal behavior or making normal behavior abnormal is dangerous behavior.  By recognizing the red flags & understanding these tactics, we can protect ourselves.  As anyone who wants healthy relationships, it is crucial to reject these toxic behaviors & foster an environment of love, respect, & authenticity.

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Ways To Stop Gaslighting Yourself

Have you ever found yourself questioning your own memories or perceptions of a situation?  Have you ever felt like you were going crazy because someone was manipulating you into doubting yourself?  This is called gaslighting, & it is an extremely sinister form of emotional abuse.

Gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship, whether it’s with a romantic partner, family member, friend, or even with yourself.  That’s right, sometimes we can be our own worst enemy when it comes to doubting ourselves & our experiences.  But the good news is, you can stop gaslighting yourself & start believing the truth.

Gaslighting can be subtle, & it can be difficult to recognize when it’s happening.  That’s why it’s important to know the signs so you can start to identify when it’s happening to you.  Some common signs of gaslighting include:

• Denying your experiences or memories
• Telling you that you’re too sensitive or overreacting
• Blaming you for things that are not your fault
• Minimizing your feelings
• Twisting your words or making you feel like you’re not making sense

If you notice any of these signs, it’s important to evaluate the situation.  Are you being manipulated into doubting yourself?  Are your feelings & experiences being invalidated?  By recognizing the signs of gaslighting, you can start to take steps to protect yourself.

One common way people gaslight themselves is by thinking similarly to the gaslighting examples I just provided. If you find yourself thinking this way, try to replace those thoughts with things like, “My experiences are real & valid.”  Your thoughts, feelings, & memories are all valid, & no one has the right to tell you otherwise, including yourself.

One of the most damaging things about gaslighting is that it makes you doubt your own feelings & experiences.  You start to feel like you’re overreacting or being too sensitive, when in reality, your feelings are completely valid.

Instead of minimizing your pain, try to validate your feelings.  Acknowledge that what you’re going through is difficult & that it’s ok to feel the way you do.  Replace thoughts like “They probably didn’t mean it so I shouldn’t be upset” with, “Whether they meant it or not, it was wrong & mean.  I’m allowed to be upset.”  By validating your own feelings, you can start to build up your self confidence & trust in yourself.

Gaslighting can be incredibly damaging to your mental health & well being.  That’s why it’s important to practice self-care & prioritize your own needs.

Self-care looks different for everyone, but some suggestions include:

• Taking breaks when you need them
• Engaging in activities that bring you joy
• Setting boundaries with toxic people
• Taking care of your physical health
• Talking to a trusted friend or therapist

When you prioritize your own needs & take care of yourself, you are sending a message to others & even yourself that your well-being is important. 

Remember, your experiences are real & valid.  Your feelings are valid.  You deserve to be treated with respect & kindness.  Don’t let anyone, including yourself, make you doubt that.

How To Talk To Yourself When You’re Having Bad Thoughts

When negative thoughts start to creep in, it’s easy to get overwhelmed & spiral into a dark place.  It’s so important to remember that you don’t have to stay there.  You don’t have to let those thoughts define you.  Instead, you can choose to talk to yourself in a positive, encouraging way, & let God’s word help you combat those lies.  I’ll provide some examples of what I mean.

When fear starts to take over, it can be so hard to fight back.  It’s much easier to let fear consume us.  God doesn’t want us to be consumed by fear though!  He wants us to be empowered & have courage.  The Amplified Bible says in 2Timothy 1:7, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power & of love & of sound judgment & personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind & self-control].”  So instead of succumbing to fear, remind yourself of this Scripture, choose to be courageous & remember that God is on your side.  It also helps to take some time to thank God for the courage & strength He has given you.  Ask Him to help you overcome your fear & trust Him to be your strength in times of weakness.

There will be times when you don’t feel like you can do something.  You might feel like you’re not strong enough or smart enough.  But the truth is, God has given you everything you need to succeed.  Romans 8:37 says, “Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors & gain an overwhelming victory through Him who loved us [so much that He died for us].”  Instead of giving in to those lies & telling yourself that you can’t do something, choose to tell yourself that you can do it.  Remind yourself of God’s promise in Romans 8:37 to give you strength & courage to face any challenge.  He will never leave you or forsake you, so you can trust Him to give you the strength to do anything.

When you start to feel like you’re not good enough or that you don’t have a purpose, it’s important to remember that God created you for a specific purpose.  He has a special purpose that only you can fulfill.  Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are His workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ Jesus [reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used] for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged & made ready for us].”  So instead of telling yourself that you’re not good enough or that you don’t have a purpose, remind yourself that you were created in God’s image & that He has a great plan for your life.  He has a beautiful purpose for you & He will give you the strength & courage to do whatever He has called you to do.

It’s so important to remember that you don’t have to stay stuck in negative thoughts.  You can choose to talk to yourself in an encouraging way & let God’s word help you combat those depressing & untrue negative thoughts.  I gave you only three examples to help you get started.  You can find other Scriptures to help you combat any other negative thoughts you are thinking, no matter the topic.  The Bible is full of wisdom on every subject.  All you have to do is look for it.

20% Off All My Print Books!!

My publsher is offering a New Year sale on all of my print books. They’re 10% off until January 5, 2024 Simply enter code FROSTYFUN10 at checkout. My print books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

Why We Need to Stop Excusing Abusers And Start Supporting Victims

It’s heartbreaking to watch the media & society excuse abusers while victim-shaming survivors of abuse.  This behavior is both damaging and dangerous, leaving victims feeling isolated, depressed, & without the support they need to help them heal.  No one should ever be made to feel like they are wrong or that they deserve the abuse they are suffering.

Victim-shaming is not only wrong, it’s incredibly damaging to those who have been abused.  It can leave them feeling like they have nowhere to turn & that they are to blame for the abuse.  We need to do better, starting with understanding what victim-shaming is & why it needs to stop.

Victim-shaming is when someone blames or shames a victim of abuse, making them feel like they are responsible for the abuse they suffered.  This can include things like saying that “it takes two to tango,” implying that the victim has to take some responsibility for the abuse, or requiring the victim to provide a lot of evidence to prove that they were abused even when that is impossible such as in cases of verbal abuse.  This behavior puts the blame & shame on the victim instead of on the abuser.  It can leave victims feeling like they are wrong, crazy, or even to blame for the abuse.

Victim-shaming is obviously wrong & can be incredibly damaging to victims who are already in an emotionally vulnerable state.  It can leave them feeling isolated & without the help or support they need to heal from the trauma of the abuse.  This is unspeakably cruel!

Victim-shaming should not be tolerated.  It’s important to understand that victims of abuse need help & support, not judgment or criticism.  People need to stop excusing abusers & start supporting victims!

Victims need emotional support, understanding, & help to leave the abusive relationship.  Making them feel like they are wrong or to blame for the abuse they suffered will only make them feel more isolated & trapped in the abusive relationship.  It can also leave them feeling like they are crazy or that no one will believe them if they report the abuse.

We need to do better for victims of abuse!  We need to start believing them, providing them with emotional support, & helping them find the resources they need to heal from the trauma of the abuse.  We need to stop excusing abusers & start supporting victims of all types of abuse!

If you know someone who is a victim of abuse, let them know that you are there for them & that you believe them.  Offer them emotional support & help them find the resources they need to heal & to leave the abusive relationship.  Let them know that they are not alone, & that they are not to blame for the abuse they suffered.

Victim-shaming is extremely damaging and wrong.  We as a society need to stop excusing abusers & start supporting victims.  If you know someone who is a victim of abuse, let them know that you are there for them & that you believe them.  Be there for them.  Let them know that they are not alone & that they are not to blame.

Let’s all do our part to end victim-shaming & start supporting victims of abuse.  Together, we can make a difference & help those in need.

Problem With Purchasing My Courses SOLVED!

Please don’t ask, I have absolutely no clue what I did that fixed things, but finally, my courses can be purchased online!! (obviously my talents lie in writing not creating websites!) My sincerest apologies for taking so long!

There are only a couple available now but now that my site is working properly, I will get back to work on creating others & writing books. The link is below if you want to check them out. They’re also on sale until the end of the year.

Thank you everyone for your patience & understanding! So sorry for the inconvenience!

https://store.cynthiabaileyrug.com/home/courses/

15% Off All My Print Books!!

My publsher is offering a New Year sale on all of my print books. They’re 10% off until January 5, 2024 Simply enter code FROSTYFUN10 at checkout. My print books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

My Latest Venture

I decided some time back to try creating courses. I looked into what many online courses on all topics involve, thought & prayed about what I learned. So far, I have created two, but look forward to creating more. The current courses are called, “Rediscovering Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse” & “How To Develop Healthy Boundaries.”

My courses are all downloadable. They consist of written lessons with corresponding fillable .pdf forms (makes them easy to complete on your phone, tablet or computer or print out). So many folks who follow my work have told me that they, like me, learn best from reading over video or audio. I’d rather write than make either video or audio any day so that works for me!

Below is the link to these new courses. I hope you’ll check them out. I plan to add more over time so check back often.

Also, I’m offering them at a discount from now until the end of the year.

By the way… I’ve never created a site with a shopping cart & downloadable anything before. It looks like everything works ok, but I’m not 100% sure. If you find any problems, please let me know! Just email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com Thank you!

Cynthia’s Courses

The Joy of Playing After Childhood Abuse

Childhood is supposed to be a time of innocence, wonder, & carefree play.  It’s a time when we should learn about the world around us, develop friendships, & create lasting memories.  Unfortunately, for those who have experienced abuse during their formative years, the concept of childhood joy feels like a distant dream.  The trauma of abuse steals the opportunity simply to be a child & enjoy simple childhood pleasures.  However, as adults, we have the power to reclaim what was lost.  One way to do this is by reconnecting with the act of playing.

It may feel daunting to embrace playfulness as an adult, especially if we never had the chance to experience it fully as children.  However, by rediscovering the activities we missed out on, we can bring back a sense of childlike wonder & joy into our lives.  Engaging in play as an adult can act as a form of therapy.

When we engage in play, our brains release endorphins, which are neurotransmitters that promote feelings of happiness & well being.  These endorphins can help counteract some of the negative emotions associated with childhood abuse, such as sadness, anger, or fear.  Even a short break from such emotions is a wonderful thing!

One way to reconnect with your inner child is by revisiting the toys & activities you loved as children.  Whether it’s playing with action figures, building blocks, or puzzles, immersing ourselves in these familiar experiences can be incredibly therapeutic.  If you no longer have the toys from our childhood, search for them online or in antique stores. 

While solitary play can be incredibly fulfilling, involving others in our playtime can enhance our relationships & create lasting memories.  Consider inviting your significant other or other loved ones to join in the fun.  This shared experience can deepen connections.  From playing board games to challenging each other in video games, the possibilities for shared play are endless. 

Now that you understand the importance of play in healing, let’s explore activities that can help you reconnect with your inner child & find joy in the present moment.

Remember the sheer delight of blowing bubbles?  The simple act of creating iridescent orbs that float through the air can be incredibly soothing & mesmerizing.  Have fun watching bubbles dance in the sunlight.  Allow yourself to be fully present in this moment.

Cartoons & movies have a unique ability to transport you to another world.  Set aside some time to indulge in your favorite childhood cartoons or discover new ones that spark joy.  Immerse yourself in the colorful worlds, & grab some popcorn. 

Dressing up allows you to step into different roles & explore your creativity.  Raid your wardrobe or visit a thrift store to find costumes & accessories that resonate with your inner child.  Let your imagination run wild.  Feel the joy of embracing a different persona & allow yourself to escape into a world of make believe.

Stephen King calls books, “A uniquely portable magic,” & I agree with him.  Revisit the stories that captivated you as a child & allow yourself to get lost in them once again.  Collect those special books.  I collect the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books I loved as a child, & reading them always brings me joy.

While childhood abuse may have robbed you of the joy & innocence of being a child, you have the power to reclaim what was lost & heal our wounded inner selves.  By embracing playfulness as adults, you can reconnect with your inner child & find solace, healing, & joy in the activities we missed out on.  Approach play with a sense of curiosity, wonder, & let go of our adult worries.  So, dust off your toys, & open your heart to play.

Is Being Open About Toxic Families Gossip Or A Path To Healing?

Many victims of toxic families speak openly about their experiences.  However, some people argue that discussing such abuse is shameful, gossip, or even ungodly.  I have been subjected to it myself.  Strangers as well as my own family have shamed me for not only gossiping but also “outing” my family & in-laws, being a “terrible daughter”, being a hypocrite or “bad Christian” for discussing my experiences.  But is discussing experiences with a toxic family really synonymous with spreading rumors?  Is it truly a malicious act aimed at tarnishing someone’s reputation?  No & today we will discuss why.

The first thing to consider is intent.  Those who open up about their experiences are seeking understanding & healing.  This exploration is a means of comprehending the complexities of their situation, unraveling the manipulations they have endured, & finding ways to move forward.  Discussing abuse at the hands of a toxic family is about personal growth & empowerment, not about spreading malicious rumors.

When we think of gossip, we often envision hushed conversations in which individuals revel in sharing others’ secrets, spreading rumors, & reveling in the misfortunes of others.  However, discussing toxic families does not fit this definition.  Gossip, according to Romans 1:29, involves spreading rumors.  Gossip paints the subject in a negative light while conveniently omitting one’s own shortcomings.

Victims of toxic families are not spreading rumors for personal gain or to harm their abusers.  Their intent is not to tarnish someone’s reputation but to heal from the trauma inflicted upon them.  Discussing abusive & toxic families is not about indulging in idle chatter or having malicious intent.  Instead, it is a step towards understanding & healing.

By speaking out, those abused by their toxic families also gain a deeper understanding of the manipulative tactics used against them.  They learn to recognize patterns of control, gaslighting, & emotional manipulation that they were subjected to.

Sharing stories also helps victims find validation & support.  It allows them to connect with others who have experienced similar traumas, fostering a sense of community & empathy.  Through these connections, victims realize that they are not alone, that their experiences are not isolated incidents, & that they are not to blame for the abuse they endured.

Furthermore, discussing abuse by toxic families can help others in similar situations.  By shedding light on the tactics used by such people, victims help others recognize abuse in their own situation.  It is a way of supporting & empowering others, not indulging in lurid gossip.

Some argue that discussing toxic families goes against Christian values, citing various Scriptures condemning gossip as evidence.  They clearly don’t understand the difference between gossip & discussing abuse.  They also don’t realize that there are Scriptures which condemn victims of abuse seeking support & healing.  True Christianity teaches compassion, empathy, & the importance of standing up against injustice.  Discussing abuse falls in line with these principles, as it encourages victims to seek support, find healing, & promote awareness.  By sharing their stories, victims are taking a step towards healing as well as helping others in similar situations.

Discussing toxic families is not gossip, despite misconceptions that label it as such.  Sharing stories allows victims to comprehend the dynamics of abuse, connect with others who have endured similar trauma, & empower themselves & others to break free.

White Funeral

The term “white funeral” was originally created I believe by Oswald Chambers to describe how when we accept Jesus, we must die to our old life.  We must “bury” our old desires for money, success, drugs or other things that may stand in our way of a relationship with Jesus. 

In contemplating that term, I thought of something.  Those of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse need to do the same. We need to have a white funeral for the old belief system that the narcissist in our life instilled in us.

Even years after escaping a narcissist, those old beliefs still can rear their ugly head sometimes.  I realized this in doing taxes for my father’s estate.  Taxes aren’t my strong suit, so I was very unsure of what I did.  I obsessed to do them to the best of my ability.  Thankfully a friend grounded me by mentioning that if I just send them in, if there are mistakes, the IRS will correct them as will my state.  Talk about relief!  But, it hit me.. I was so terrified of making mistakes, I was panicky.  I realized that goes back to childhood.  I felt I had to be perfect & mistakes were unacceptable.  I had to do my best & if I made mistakes, hide them rather than face shame inducing tactics by my parents.  I experienced the same scenario during my first marriage.  My ex didn’t scream at me like my mother did, but instead was incredibly shaming in a much more quiet, subtle way.  That was just as bad, just in a different way.

We all have moments like this no matter how long it’s been since going no contact with the narcissist.  They happen.  Unfortunately!

It can be easy to beat yourself up over these moments, but please don’t!  Accept that they are going to happen, & know it’s ok.  Accept the belief for what it is – something from a dysfunctional time in your life that no longer serves you.  Then, let it go.  Replace it with a more functional belief if at all possible.  As an example, look at my situation again.  I believed mistakes weren’t allowed.  I had to remind myself that no screaming or shaming will happen anymore if I make a mistake.  The world won’t fall apart if I make a mistake.  Everyone makes them & I’m not immune to that.  Stop putting so much intense pressure on myself to be so perfect!  Do my best of course, & don’t sweat it.  I can’t say I’m perfect at this now.  I’ve had that belief for my entire life, so it still pops up now & again.  But, when it does, even if initially I panic, I remind myself to bury that old belief, to have a white funeral for it, so to speak.  It truly does help.

What do you need to have a white funeral for today?  Do you still believe that you have to be perfect?  That you aren’t allowed to have any needs, wants or feelings of your own?  That you are stupid, crazy, wrong somehow?  These beliefs may have helped you somehow to survive narcissistic abuse, but they no longer serve you.  Let them go!  Have a white funeral & bury these dysfunctional thoughts.  You deserve better than to continue dealing with these thoughts.  You deserve to replace them with healthy thoughts that help you to be peaceful & joyful instead! 

And, if it helps you, write down these things.  You could have a literal funeral for them – bury them as if you were burying someone who passed away.  Or, you could burn the paper.  Sometimes having a visual aid is very useful.  It’s something to consider anyway.

Coping With Trauma Triggers

Triggers are painful things, no matter the cause of the trauma that created them.  Triggers thrust you back to the time you experienced some of the worst pain imaginable.  They can trigger flashbacks, emotional flashbacks, nightmares, extreme panic or anxiety.  The worst part is triggers are everywhere & can come about in the most innocuous sounding things.  Even the scent of a certain perfume or cologne or a certain song coming on the radio can be triggering if the scent or song reminds you of your abuser. 

Since it’s impossible to avoid triggers completely, you need to learn to manage them when you experience them.  It is possible!

First & foremost, when you’re triggered, pray.  Ask God to help you get through this.  He absolutely will!

As they are happening, remember that triggers can’t hurt you.  Yes, they can make you feel pretty awful, but that doesn’t mean they can hurt you.  You’re safe now, in spite of the trigger trying to convince you that you’re not. 

Breathe deeply in & out a few times to calm your mind & body down.  Focus on how your body feels as you breathe.  It sounds really simple but it can calm you down quite a bit.

Focus on grounding yourself, too.  Grounding keeps you focused on the here & now, & helps to minimize or even prevent flashbacks.  To do this, you need to engage your senses.  Use things that are strong & hard to ignore.  Very coarse or soft fabrics, strong scents like lavender or loud music can be very helpful.  Things like these will help your body to focus on those things that are engaging your senses rather than the trigger & how it made you feel.

Moving your body is another good way to ground yourself.  It can help your body to release endorphins & gives your body something to focus on other than the trigger.  So move!  Walk around your house, go outside, take a bath or shower.

Don’t judge your emotions.  Doing so only makes a bad situation worse.  Instead, acknowledge them.  Recognize that this trigger made you feel a certain way, & accept that is ok.  Feeling as you do isn’t some big flaw in you.  It is simply a sign that you have been through something pretty terrible.

Once you feel calmer again, think about what triggered you & why.  Take some time to focus on healing the event that caused this trigger.  The more you do this, the less that trigger will bother you the next time you’re exposed to it.  In this respect, triggers can prove to be beneficial, even though they certainly don’t feel it at the time.

After experiencing a trigger, be especially gentle with yourself.  You have been through a painful ordeal & need to recover from it.  Do some things that make you feel good.  Take a bubble bath, indulge in your favorite herbal tea or coffee, watch a good movie on television, sleep late.  Whatever you do, it’s important that it makes you feel cared for & nurtured. 

If you have someone safe to talk to, discuss what happened with them.  They can offer comfort & validation.  Whether or not you discuss it with anyone, write about the experience in your journal.  It will help you to get it out of you, plus reading over it in the future can be very encouraging.  It will show you how far you have come.

Being Angry At Or Ashamed Of The Dysfunctional Person You Once Were

I’ve noticed a very common characteristic among those of us who have been abused.  We’re angry with & embarrassed by the person we were during the abuse & until we learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

It doesn’t seem to matter whether the abuser was a parent or spouse, overt or covert narcissist, or even how old we were when we learned about narcissism.  When we think about who we were during the abuse & often even after it first ended, we cringe.  I know I certainly do.  I now am mortified at how I let people do anything they wanted to me without complaint, & how I obeyed whatever people told me to do because I believed they clearly were much smarter than me about everything, right down to my own life.  That obedience is even why I married my ex husband.  I didn’t marry him out of love.  I started dating him because my mother had told me no man would ever want me, & I believed that.  When he did, I figured I should jump at this opportunity because I’d never have another chance.  I later married him because he said I should & also because he made me feel that I owed it to him because I’d hurt him so badly when I broke up with him a few months prior.  My instincts said it was a huge mistake, but I ignored them.  I thought, he’s smarter than me, he must know best so I should obey him.    On our wedding day I remember thinking, “Eh, how bad could it be?”  So dysfunctional I know, but that is a true story.

For quite some time, looking back on this utterly humiliated me.  I told myself & others I loved him rather than admit the truth of what I was thinking & feeling during our relationship.  I’ve finally admitted that I never loved him, but the other things that happened in my mind at that time angered me at myself badly, & it was too humiliating to admit those things for a long time.  Yet now, here I am, posting it in my blog for anyone in the world to read. 

Getting to this place took years.  In fact, this might be the first time I’ve ever put that in writing anywhere.  Pretty sure I never even wrote it out in my journal.  And just to give you some perspective, my ex & I separated in the mid 1990’s. 

The reason I’m sharing it now is certainly not for fun, but to tell you about something valuable I’ve learned over the years.  There is no reason to be angry with or ashamed of the person you once were & the bad choices you made when you were abused.  That person was subjected to horrific, mind altering, even mind breaking abuse on a regular basis.  It’s only natural that someone in such a situation won’t make the best decisions or decisions that a person who wasn’t abused would make, because of the abuse.  Being gaslit changes how you think, feel & perceive things so that is clearly not a good starting place for good decisions.  Plus, being abused also can change & even injure the brain.  PTSD is a result of trauma being so bad it literally broke a person’s brain.  Whether you have PTSD, Complex PTSD or neither, trauma changes your brain which means you aren’t going to think as clearly as you would like to.

Chances are excellent that you did the best you could do with what you knew at that time, so you can’t get mad at yourself for not knowing better.  That would make as much sense as getting mad at a baby for not knowing how to drive a car.  I don’t care how bad your decisions once were, if you didn’t know they were bad, it makes no sense to be angry with yourself for making those decisions! 

Or, if you knew something was off but did it anyway like I did, gaslighting is why you can’t be mad at yourself for ignoring your instincts.  Remember, gaslighting makes a person doubt their feelings & perceptions.  In time, it can convince you your instincts are wrong.  Of course you ignored yours!  It’s only natural under the circumstances!  Why would listening to them when you honestly think they are so flawed make any sense?

Please stop being so angry with yourself or embarrassed by the dumb things you once did during & even after narcissistic abuse.  Show yourself some gentleness & grace!  I’m sure many of you first thought I had nothing to be embarrassed or angry about regarding my story of my first marriage because you know some of the abuse I endured in my life.  Extend that same understanding to yourself!  I’m no longer ashamed of my terribly dysfunctional thinking of that time in my life, & you deserve to feel the same way!

15% Off All My Print Books!!

My publsher is offering a New Year sale on all of my print books. They’re 10% off until January 5, 2024 Simply enter code FROSTYFUN10 at checkout. My print books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

Dysfunctional Coping Skills Of Narcissists – Reinventing The Past

A few years before my mother died, she frequently told me what a great mother she was.  It was truly painful for me, listening to her brag about all the wonderful things she supposedly did for me.  Not only because either the things didn’t happen the way she said or she hadn’t done those things at all, but also because I felt she was disregarding the trauma she inflicted on me.  It was very painful.  I finally asked God to help me out with this.  I was tired of hurting & frankly, I was also livid that she thought this was ok.  He showed me some things.

My mother’s stories weren’t true, & she knew that.  She was trying to convince herself & I both that she hadn’t done the terrible things she actually had done to me.  While she didn’t care about the damage she caused me, she did care about anyone thinking badly of her.  If other people knew what she had done, she would look bad, so it was best to convince me those things didn’t happen so I wouldn’t share stories of those terrible things.  Her actions towards me caused her shame because of how they made her look, & this was how she chose to cope with what she did.

If she could convince herself those things hadn’t happened but the good things did, she also could convince herself that she was a good mother.  A big added bonus for her.

A lot of people are like my mother was in this situation.  They have no clue how to cope with problems.  Rather than try to find a healthy way, they engage in very dysfunctional coping skills like reinventing the past as my mother did.  She could have come to me, said she realized how badly she hurt me & was sorry.  She tried to be a good mother but had no idea how to accomplish that.  That would’ve been the happy ending to this problem I wanted, but it also wasn’t possible.  She couldn’t have done that because, in typical narcissist fashion, she couldn’t face the bad things she had done.

When you are on the outside looking in at someone who behaves this way, it is hard not to be upset.  Often, the knee jerk reaction will be you want to set that person straight.  It’s so unfair that they invalidate your pain just to make themselves comfortable, especially for such trivial reasons as reputation or appearance.  If the situation isn’t like that, but is someone you love working hard to ignore something they should face, your knee jerk reaction can be much the same, you want to set that person straight because you want better for them than this dysfunction.  Eirher way, this is such a frustrating place to be!

Today though I feel that you need to know that you need not to act on your reaction.  Yes, it would be wonderful to tell that person they are wrong & guide them in the right direction only to have them see the error of their ways.  That is sadly unrealistic though.  A person who employs such dysfunctional coping skills is rarely going to be open to the truth. 

Please remember though that no matter how dysfunctional a person’s coping skills are, they have the right to use those coping skills.  The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will be at peace.  I know this is a very tough pill to swallow.  It was for me with my mother.  But, once I did that, I realized peace like I hadn’t felt before. 

By accepting their coping skill, please know I don’t mean allowing them to draw you into their dysfunction.  I do mean accepting that they are in a different place than you.  They feel this is all they can handle right now.  You also do not need to validate their delusions.  If they demand you agree with whatever they say, you can change the subject or give a non committal type answer such as simply saying, “I know that’s what you believe.”  Also by accepting their coping skill, that doesn’t mean you need to believe what they say.  Always remember the truth, not the tales woven by someone using such a dysfunctional coping skill. 

Emotions & Victims Of Narcissistic Parents

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I know firsthand the toll it can take on one’s emotional well-being.  Growing up, I was constantly told that my emotions were wrong & shamed for my feelings, especially when they were different than my mother’s.  As a result, I naturally learned to keep my feelings hidden & appear calm, cool & collected at all times.  While this was a useful survival skill back then, it’s a habit that is hard to break as an adult.  Today I hope to help victims of narcissistic parents learn how narcissistic abuse affects victims’ emotional lives & why it’s important to acknowledge & validate their feelings.

Narcissistic abuse is a form of psychological trauma that can leave lasting scars on survivors.  Its pattern of manipulation, gaslighting, & control leaves victims feeling powerless & confused.  For children of narcissistic parents, this usually means growing up in a constant state of anxiety & fear.  They never know when their parent will lash out or criticize them, so they learn to be hyper-vigilant, in other words always on guard.  This chronic stress can lead to a range of emotional & physical symptoms, including depression, anxiety, & C-PTSD.

One of the ways that narcissistic abuse affects victims’ emotions is by making them hypersensitive to criticism & rejection.  They learned early on that their parent’s love & approval were conditional on their behavior & achievements.  As a result, they may feel like they’re never good enough & constantly seek validation from others.  At the same time, they fear rejection & avoid conflict at all costs.  This makes it hard for them to form healthy relationships & speak up for themselves.

Another way that narcissistic abuse affects victims’ emotions is by making them feel guilty for their own feelings.  Children of narcissistic parents are often told that their emotions are wrong or that they’re being “too sensitive.”  This usually leads to a pattern of self-doubt & self-criticism, where they blame themselves for their parent’s behavior & try to change themselves to avoid further abuse.  They also struggle with expressing their emotions in a healthy way, as they’ve learned early in life that vulnerability is dangerous.

For all victims of narcissistic abuse, one of the most important steps in healing is learning to validate their own emotions.  This means acknowledging that their feelings are real & valid, even if they don’t always make sense or seem logical at the moment.  It also means learning to express their emotions in a healthy way & developing healthy boundaries with people who don’t respect them.

To accomplish this, I’ve learned prayer to be invaluable.  God has provided me with wisdom & strength to do as I need.  One helpful thing He showed me was to look at my emotions from purely logical perspective.  I ask myself questions like is this emotion reasonable in this situation?  If I struggle to figure that out, I ask myself if a close friend came to me feeling as I do after experiencing what I have, would I think that friend is overreacting or reasonable?  Sometimes looking at situations as if they were happening to someone else can give you a much clearer perspective.  And, if you still are struggling, try writing down the situation & your emotions.  Writing is a phenomenal tool for helping to bring clarity so use it freely!  I keep a journal & have found it tremendously helpful in many ways, including learning to validate myself & my emotions.

Practice expressing your emotions with safe, honest, non judgmental people, too.  As hard as it can be at first, tell safe people how you feel & ask them for feedback.  This can help you to get better at expressing your emotions.

Learning to recognize & express your emotions is tough, but worth it.  You may never get completely comfortable with it, but at the very least, you can heal to the point of being able to recognize & express your emotions in healthy ways.  Although those are useful survival skills around narcissists, stifling them long term is so unhealthy & miserable, & you don’t deserve to live that way!

Encouragement For Those Who Talk Openly About Narcissism

Some people are known as Dark Empaths.  They are often described as someone who uses their ability to recognize what others are going through & use it for their benefit.  They have only one of the three types of empathy, what is known as cognitive empathy.  According to researchers Paul Ekman & Daniel Goldman, this means someone can identify with what someone is experiencing & feeling, yet their own emotions aren’t affected.  There is no desire to help or support someone struggling.

Dark Empaths also can be prone to gossiping, bullying, manipulating or intimidating others & being vindictive.  They also can be prolific with gaslighting, love bombing & portraying themselves as the victim.  If you’re thinking their behavior sounds narcissistic, you would be absolutely correct.  The difference between them & narcissists is that they have some empathy, as damaged as it may be, unlike narcissists who have none.

I learned some time back about a variation on the Dark Empath that is quite different than this standard definition.  In fact, it’s very empowering to people like me!

This alternative definition says that Dark Empaths are champions for humanity.  They want to protect & educate people.  Often, they are victims of narcissistic abuse, & learned from their experiences.  They can spot a narcissist & recognize their manipulations easily.  They also can outwit narcissists easily.  Narcissists hate these Dark Empaths because they see behind the mask, recognize exactly what they are, won’t hesitate to call them out on their behavior & warn others about them.

While I’m less than thrilled with the original, recognized definition of a Dark Empath, I do identify well with this alternative definition.  I just wish it was the original definition, because it fits what I thought when I first read the term Dark Empath so much better than the original definition.  When I first began reading about empaths, everything seemed to portray them as almost mystical, sometimes with psychic powers & cheering up people who were sad.  It seemed to me empaths were all “unicorns & rainbows”. I found something silly for quite some time, so I stopped reading about them.  Over time, I learned I have a great deal of empathy, but I’m far from the unicorns & rainbows type.  I’m too realistic for that.  If something is bad, I will admit that just as quickly as I’ll admit something is good.  So for me, I thought of myself as a Dark Empath.  Later reading what psychologists refer to as a Dark Empath was rather shocking.  Finding the alternative definition felt so much more accurate.  And, realizing what I was reading described me well was pretty empowering!

Today I thought sharing this with you might be as beneficial for you as it was for me.  So many people I’ve spoken to who follow my work also fit this alternative description of a Dark Empath.  If it describes you, then I hope you find this as empowering as I have.  Don’t let society’s desire for only light, happy things dissuade you from what you feel you must do.  It’s ok & even necessary to talk about more serious, deep things like narcissism.  Narcissists are out there & hurting people every single day.  Everyone needs to be aware of what they’re capable of & how to protect themselves from these monsters. 

Not everyone is capable of speaking openly about narcissism & narcissistic abuse because of the backlash, but if you feel called to do this, you have the ability to handle that backlash with dignity.  I can promise you that.  I’ve been attacked more times than I can count from people I know & strangers alike for discussing it so openly & you know something?  It no longer upsets me, because I know people like this only want to shut people like me down because of their own selfish desires, & usually are narcissists themselves.  Dark Empaths are realistic & understand people enough to know this, which means the insults of such people don’t affect them or deter them from their path.

If you too are a Dark Empath in the alternative definition of the phrase, be encouraged!  What you’re doing is helping people, even changing their lives.  Keep on your path!  God has given you a very unique calling & equipped you to handle it!

Supporting Someone Who Has Lost An Abusive Parent

Losing a parent is a truly unique & painful experience, in particular when that parent is abusive.  My husband & I lost all four of our parents in a short time – one parent a year from 2016 to 2019.  It was a very painful & confusing time for us both. 

I realized at that time, people have no real idea on how to help those whose abusive parent has died.  Thank God, I have some wonderful people who are very close to me that did know, but they were in the minority.  It seemed to me that the majority of people assumed because I was no contact at the time my parents passed away, that their deaths didn’t affect me in the slightest.  They couldn’t have been more wrong!  And sadly, I didn’t know what I needed at the time, let alone how to express those needs.  Today I want to express some common needs so that anyone who reads this can share this with their loved ones to get the help they need.  Clearly grief doesn’t have a “one size fits all” solution, but I am sharing some basic needs that I believe should be able to help most people.

To support someone who has lost an abusive parent, let that person know you are in this for the long haul.  Grief is a very messy journey full of ups & downs, lots of tears, anger & even joy.  To someone who hasn’t seen their loved one experience such emotions, it can be pretty intimidating, but if you can get past that & let your loved one know you are going to be there for them no matter what, that person is going to treasure you.

Don’t judge.  When my father died, I barely shed a tear.  When my mother died almost exactly 18 months later, I was utterly devastated.  There was also a painful feeling of relief that the abuse was finally over when they died.  When each of my parents died, I did NOT need judgment about my feelings.  I needed love, support & comforting words letting me know that my feelings were valid, even though they were vastly different with each parent.  Thank God, I have all of that in my wonderful best friend.  Everyone needs someone like this to help them survive losing their abusive parent.

Don’t try to rush grief.  Grief is unpredictable & has no time table.  Rather than trying to rush someone through their grief, encourage them to take their time & mourn however they need to.  Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to mourn, & this is so true.  While sometimes a distraction from their loss might be helpful, crying & getting their feelings out is even more helpful.

If you don’t know what to say, admit it.  Sometimes in these situations, the most helpful thing a person can hear is “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here to help if I can.”  Honesty like that goes a very long way.  And, it is so much better than saying something that while well meaning, comes across hurtful.

Check in often.  Some people tend to withdraw when going through trials.  I’m one of those people.  But, that doesn’t mean people like me don’t want to know other people care!  A quick text to say, “How are you today?” or “Thinking of you” can mean the world to someone who is grieving.  Extroverted people need these check ins so they know others care for them, too, & it may open the door for them to talk things over with you, which could help them tremendously.

Encourage them to do whatever they like that helps to process their loss.  Sometimes this may be getting angry about the terrible things their parent did to them.  Other times it may be as lovely as planting a garden in their parent’s honor.  Let your loved one do what they want to without fear of you judging or criticizing them.

Let them know it’s ok to talk negatively about their abusive parent even though he or she has died.  There is some unwritten rule out there that people aren’t supposed to speak badly of the dead.  As if dying negates all bad things they’ve done & rockets them into sainthood.  For children of abusive parents, this can be painful because they know their parent was no saint.  They have the emotional & sometimes physical scars to prove it.  If your loved one says something derogatory about their parent, let them know it’s ok to say these things.  The truth doesn’t change just because someone has died.  And, also let them know it’s perfectly OK to discuss whatever good things they want to about their abusive parents, too.  Chances are there was something good about them, & it’s good to discuss those along with the bad things.

Offer to pray for & with your loved one.  Sometimes the most comforting thing a person can do in your most painful times is pray for you.  Ask God to carrying your loved one & strengthen them during this extremely painful time along with anything else you can think of this person needs.

Treating someone in these ways definitely can help them get through the intensely painful process of losing an abusive parent while strengthening your relationship at the same time.

Being Strong

Being strong has some very dysfunctional connotations that are often admired.  Showing no emotion, not defending yourself to someone abusive & moving on quickly after losing a loved ones are some good examples I can think of that many people think are being strong but are actually very dysfunctional.  Today I thought I’d share things that are real signs of strength & are very healthy as well.

Being vulnerable enough to show & honor your emotions is truly strong.  It is incredibly hard to show vulnerabilities in a world where people can be so judgmental, critical, minimizing & invalidating.  Displaying & also honoring your emotions without apology in spite of the judgment & potential cruelty of other people takes a great deal of strength.

Refusing to tolerate things & people that cause you pain & suffering is another sign of real strength.  Doing so can cause you to lose people in your life that you thought loved & supported you, so doing it in spite of knowing that it may mean people you love will abandon you takes a lot of strength.  I’m specifically thinking of those of us who have ended relationships with our abusive parents with this one.  No matter how they may treat you, many people put all parents on a pedestal, thinking they are all wonderful & loving.  These people clearly think that means you never abandon them because they are your wonderful parents, so if you do, they will have plenty of cruel things to say to you.  Doing what you need to in order to protect yourself takes a lot of strength.

Standing up for what is right takes a great deal of strength.  Doing this means you most likely will face a lot of opposition & judgment.  Doing what is right in the face of that isn’t easy or for the faint of heart, in particular when it is something that can attract a lot of attention. 

Refusing to compromise your morals also takes a lot of strength, especially when doing so could benefit you somehow.  Society as a whole seems to think having good morals are outdated & foolish.  People should just do whatever they want without thoughts to consequences.  Not living that way takes dedication & strength.

Going against what is considered normal takes a lot of strength.  People rarely admire people that are considered abnormal in any way.  Those with a strong faith in God are mocked for being so religious.  People with children claim childless people are selfish.  People who work in the arts are told they don’t have a real job by those who work traditional 9-5 type jobs.  The list goes on & on.  Going against the norm sets you up for lots of criticism from people who lack the courage & strength to do it themselves, so it takes a lot of strength to do what works for you when it goes against the norm.

Facing the ugly truth rather than living in denial by believing comfortable lies also is a sign of great strength.  Honestly, truth isn’t always easy.  Sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier just to deny & ignore painful truth.  Taking the right path by facing truth instead of ignoring it takes a lot of strength & courage.

Being real & genuine instead of fake takes a lot of strength. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to pretend to be whatever other people want you to be since you wouldn’t face the judgment & criticism of other people. But that is no way to live. The world is full of fake & desperately needs some authenticity. Authentic people are what makes the world a better place, not the fake ones. It takes strength to be real in a fake world.

Asking for help absolutely takes a lot of strength.  It is a very humbling experience to ask someone for help of any type, whether it is a physical need, financial or even emotional.  Asking for help knowing you may be rejected takes strength.

If you think about your life & you have done these things, then you are strong!  Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.  Be proud of yourself for your strength!