Behaviors In Relationships You May Not Know Are Actually Abusive

In any relationship, both parties should feel valued, respected, & supported.  When subtle signs of abuse begin to emerge, it can be challenging to identify them, leading to potential emotional damage. 

One of the fundamental aspects of a healthy relationship is a mutual give-and-take where both individuals’ needs are considered important.  One subtle sign of abuse occurs when one person consistently prioritizes their needs over the other’s, even when they know doing so hurts the other person.  This imbalance leads to feeling neglected & resentment, & can lead to the end of the relationship.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which one person denies their actions or alters reality to make the other person question their perception of events.  This insidious behavior naturally leads to confusion, self doubt, & a sense of powerlessness in the targeted victim.  This distorting the truth undermines the victim’s trust in their own judgment.

Controlling behaviors in a relationship can manifest in subtle ways that may not be immediately apparent.  For instance, a manipulative person may forbid their partner from engaging in activities that do not benefit them or insist on actions that serve their own interests, even knowing the behavior will hurt the victim somehow.  This form of control often is done under the guise of care, making it not appear abusive when it truly is.

Another abusive dynamic often involves constantly changing expectations that leave one person feeling inadequate & insecure.  The manipulator may set unattainable standards or move the goals to ensure that their partner never feels good enough.  This abusive behavior greatly damages a victim’s self esteem.

Criticism, when used constructively, can help people to grow & improve.  However, when criticism becomes a tool for manipulation & control, it has detrimental effects.  An abusive, manipulative person may criticize the other person in the relationship relentlessly while claiming it is attempt to help.

In an abusive relationship, one may find themselves walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring their words & actions out of fear of the other’s reactions.  This atmosphere of tension & apprehension stifles communication, breeds anxiety, & erodes self esteem.  The fear of setting off an unpredictable or disproportionate response also leads to emotional suppression & detachment.

Another subtle sign of abuse is when one person consistently minimizes or dismisses the other’s feelings.  By labeling their feelings as oversensitive or irrational, the abuser undermines their validity.  This invalidation will create a sense of isolation & self-doubt in the one whose feelings are being disregarded.

Blame & shame are often used as tools of manipulation in abusive relationships.  The manipulator may shift responsibility onto the other for issues that are not their fault, leading to guilt & self blame.  By shaming the other person for natural emotional responses or perceived shortcomings, the abuser maintains control & diminishes their partner’s confidence.

Affection is a crucial component of a healthy relationship, providing emotional support & intimacy.  However, abusers use affection as a form of manipulation.  They may withhold affection as a punishment for not complying with their desires or overwhelm their partner with affection when they behave in a desired manner.  This conditional display of love undermines genuine emotional connection.

Recognizing the subtle signs of abuse in relationships is imperative for maintaining emotional well being & fostering healthy relationships.  By being aware of subtle abusive behaviors, people can identify potential red flags & take steps to protect themselves. 

Some Causes Of Resentment In Marriage

Have you ever felt resentment in your marriage?  You’re not alone.  Resentment can arise from various sources, & today, we will explore some common causes of resentment in marriage. 

Resentment is a complex emotion that can stem from various factors.  It is not solely the result of one person’s actions or shortcomings.  Marriage is a two way street, & both partners can contribute to the dynamics that can lead to resentment. 

One of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship is not feeling like your spouse prioritizes you.  This feeling of being overlooked can be particularly painful for victims of narcissistic abuse, who struggle with low self esteem, but it is painful for anyone.

Compromise is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship.  It allows both partners to find common ground & make decisions that benefit the overall well being of the relationship.  The concept of selflessness can sometimes blur the lines between being taken advantage of & healthy compromise.  You may find yourself constantly putting your own needs aside to accommodate your spouse’s desires, leaving you feeling unfulfilled & dismissed.  When one person consistently finds themselves making the majority of sacrifices, it breeds resentment & feelings of unfairness.

Feeling taken for granted can be incredibly disheartening, leading to resentment & emotional distance in a relationship.  When you strive to show kindness & appreciation towards others, it becomes very challenging when you don’t receive the same treatment in return.

In situations like this, it’s important to express your feelings & needs.  Healthy relationships require both partners to be willing to understand & acknowledge each other’s needs.  An open conversation can lead towards finding a balance that respects both spouses’ desires.  Make a time to sit down together & discuss your relationship, without distractions, when you both are calm & able to talk comfortably & openly.

Most importantly, pray.  Pray for your spouse & your marriage.  Pray to know God’s will for your life & marriage.  Pray for wisdom.  Pray with your spouse too, not only alone, if they are willing to do this.  

If you are in the miserable situation of having a narcissistic spouse, I know such suggestion will not work due to their lack of empathy & desire to do anything for anyone if it can’t benefit them.  In such a case, I don’t believe there is anything you can say or do to make them want to stop treating you this way.

Resentment can be a challenging emotion to navigate.  By understanding some common causes of resentment, you can begin to address these issues & work towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.  Remember, it’s important to approach these conversations with empathy & a willingness to listen to your partner’s perspective.  Relationships require effort from both partners, & by fostering open communication & mutual understanding, you can create a stronger foundation for addressing & overcoming resentment.

Subtle Abuse

Abuse isn’t always loud or obvious.  It doesn’t always leave physical evidence behind that anyone can see easily, such as bruises & broken bones.  In fact, most abuse isn’t that obvious.  Covert abuse is a common term used to describe such subtle abuse.  It doesn’t leave undeniable proof that it happened.  It is very quiet & subtle, so much so that often even the victim may not realize that he or she is being abused.  That doesn’t make this abuse any less damaging, however.

Covert abuse comes in many forms, in particular in the form of gaslighting.  Gaslighting is when an abuser attempts to convince someone that they should doubt their feelings, thoughts, perceptions of reality & even their sanity.  It often comes in the form of denial.  The abuser claims that what they did wasn’t really so bad, it didn’t happen as the victim remembers or they deny even doing whatever they did at all, claiming the victim imagined things.

Another part of gaslighting involves how abusers interact with other people.  To those not in their most intimate circle, abusers often appear charismatic, helpful, maybe even kind & caring.  People believe the abuser to be a good person, & often tell the victim how lucky they are to have such a good person in their life.  Treating outsiders in this way serves two purposes for abusers.  First, it convinces others that the abuser in question truly is incapable of being anything but a great person.  That way, if the victim tells anyone about the abuse, he or she isn’t believed.  Second, the abuser’s fan club reminding the victim of how great they believe the abuser is makes the victim doubt that the abuser is so bad.  This makes the victim believe they are overreacting or over sensitive, & they become more tolerant of abuse.

Destroying a victim’s self esteem is another type of covert abuse.  Many years ago, I remember thinking that this is a type of murder.  I still stand by that.  Leaving a person left feeling as if they are nothing to anyone is unbelievably cruel & inhumane.  A person who is victimized in this way feels that if they died at this moment, no one would be care in the slightest or maybe they would feel relieved they are gone.  No one should live like that!

Another type of covert abuse is threats that make a person wonder if the person doing the threatening is sincere or not.  The purpose of doing this is to cause intense fear in a victim & also causing them to be extremely willing to please their abuser to avoid the abuser following through on their threat.  The person making these threats doesn’t even need to physically hurt the victim at some point to make their victim afraid, but physical violence is likely to follow these behaviors at some point.  Their threats make it very clear that they are capable of following through on them if they wish to do so.  Sometimes their threats involve words, but not always.  Most often, they do not.  Abusers may punch walls, slam doors, break items or even hurt pets yet not touch their victim.  Their behavior is terrifying to their victims, whatever they do.  My ex husband punched items or walls to make his point sometimes.  I remember him doing this then telling me how lucky I was he only punched the wall because he really wanted to punch me instead.  Somehow that didn’t make me feel so lucky! 

Another covert type of abuse is isolation.  Isolating victims means victims have no one to tell them their abuser is treating them awfully, to offer them support or to help them to leave the abusive relationship.  This behavior robs victims of any hope that their life will get better, & leaves them under the full control of their abuser.

If someone you know is treating you in these ways, never tell yourself it’s not a big deal, it’s not really abuse since he or she isn’t physically hurting you or otherwise excuse this behavior.  It truly is abusive & you truly deserve to be treated better!  If at all possible, end this relationship NOW!  If now isn’t possible, please make a plan to get out of it as soon as possible.  Protect yourself!  You deserve to be safe!

Males Really Can Be Abused By Females

Abuse is usually associated with men being the perpetrators & women being the victims.  However, this is not always the case.  Male can be victims of abuse by females just as easily.  Unfortunately, society has made it difficult for males to speak out about their experiences of abuse, because they are expected to be strong & to never show weakness.  However, it’s important for males to know that it’s ok to admit that a female has abused them.  It doesn’t mean that they are weak, should be ashamed of what happened to them or are any less of a man.

Two examples of men who were abused by women are Sampson, who was abused by Delilah, & King Ahab, who was abused by Jezebel.  Sampson was a powerful man who was brought down by his love for Delilah.  Jezebel was a manipulative & controlling wife who ruled over her husband, King Ahab.  Both men suffered at the hands of their female abusers, but their stories are seldom discussed in much detail.

The first step in addressing the issue of female to male abuse is to break the stigma that surrounds it.  The belief that males, no matter their age, should always be strong & never show weakness has been ingrained in society for generations.  This makes it difficult for males to speak out about their experiences of abuse.  They need to know that it’s ok to ask for help & to seek support from others.

Males who have been abused often feel ashamed & embarrassed.  They worry that others will judge them or not believe their stories.  This is why it’s important for society to recognize that males can be victims of abuse & to provide them with the support they need.  It’s also important to challenge the belief that males should always be strong & never show vulnerability.  By doing so, we can create a more accepting & supportive environment for male victims.

It’s also important to note that male victims more often are abused emotionally & psychologically, rather than physically.  Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, & it’s important for males to understand that any form of abuse is not ok.

One of the reasons why female on male abuse is often overlooked is because females tend to be more covert in their abuse.  They are often better at hiding their abusive ways & convincing others that they are incapable of being abusive.  This makes it difficult for male victims to be believed.

Covert abuse can involve gaslighting, manipulation, & emotional blackmail.  Females who abuse males often use these tactics to control their victims & to make them feel powerless.  Male victims may not even realize that they are being abused, as the abuse is often subtle & disguised as caring behavior.

Male victims may feel unsure about what is happening to them. They may feel like they are going crazy or that they are imagining things.  It’s important for them to know that they are not alone & that there is help available.

If you are a male victim of abuse, you do not have to suffer in silence.  There are resources available, including online support groups, counseling, & therapy.  If you opt for therapy, it’s important to find a therapist who understands male victims, which may mean seeing a few therapists before finding the right one for you.  You’re also welcome to join my Facebook group.  Several male abuse victims are in my group, so you won’t be alone.  Here’s the link:  https://facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT

It’s also important to reach out to friends & family members who you trust.  They may be much more supportive than you expect.

And never forget that God loves you, & is in your corner.  He is grieved you were abused & wants to help you heal.

Remember that there is no shame in admitting that you have been abused.  You are not weak, flawed or any less of a man because a female chose to abuse you.  She is the real problem, not you.

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How Narcissists Condition Their Victims To Accept Abuse

There is a story about a frog in a pan of hot water.  If the frog jumps into a pan of boiling water, immediately he’ll try to get right back out of it.  However, if the frog gets into a pan of water that slowly gets hotter & hotter until it boils, the frog won’t try to leave until it’s too late.  This is much how it is when you are in a relationship with a narcissist.

If a narcissist began the relationship showing exactly what they are capable of doing, no one would continue the relationship in any way.  They would run fast in the opposite direction.  This is why narcissists hide their capacity for cruelty in the beginning of relationships.  They allow their victims to become comfortable with them, even trusting them.  As time passes, they start to do small things that make their victims uncomfortable as a way to condition them to accept more & more abuse. 

Consider the following scenario as an example.  Instead of wanting to be with their new romantic interest constantly as they were at first, suddenly the narcissist has other things to do that don’t involve the victim.  If the victim says anything, the narcissist says it’s nothing personal.. they just need or want to do these other things, relax!  It’s no big deal.  The narcissist does have a life other than the relationship, after all.  The victim accepts this & the narcissist does what they wanted to do, not caring about the victim being upset.  The victim still feels upset, but thinks they are being too possessive & in spite of being upset, tells him or her self that everything is fine.  They are being too clingy.  When this scenario happens again, the victim says nothing, even if he or she is upset. 

The victim in this scenario has been conditioned to accept something the narcissist has done is normal.  Of course, there is nothing wrong with a person doing things without their significant other.  However, it is very wrong for someone not to be concerned that this person they supposedly care about is upset & to minimize their feelings.  A functional person would have reassured their partner, been willing to talk about their partner’s feelings rather than invalidate them & possibly reschedule or even cancel their plans.  In typical narcissist fashion though, the narcissist in the scenario refuses to make any changes while simultaneously invalidating their victim’s feelings. 

This is how narcissists condition their victims to accept anything they do.  Basically this behavior desensitizes victims to abuse & normalizes it.  Victims in this scenario are like the frog in the pan of water that gradually gets hotter.  The abuse starts out not so bad, & narcissists condition their victim to accept those things.  Then they do slightly bigger things, condition their victim to accept those, then move onto bigger things yet & condition their victim to accept those & so on.  In time, the victim thinks the narcissist’s abusive behavior is normal, & is often no longer so deeply affected by it.  If they are, they minimize their feelings or even ignore them, because they believe this to be normal behavior.

I really believe this is why so many victims of narcissistic abuse experience the same thing after ending the relationship.  They tell someone what happened, the person is shocked & the victim is surprised the other person thinks this was so terrible.  People who haven’t experienced abuse are stunned at the terrible things abusive people do to their victims.  Those of us who experienced it first hand however are often so desensitized to it because for us it was normal, that for us, it may be bad, but we don’t think of it as nearly so bad as those who haven’t been abused think it is.

What Being Stalked Is Really Like

Unless you have been a victim of stalking, you don’t know how traumatic & utterly terrifying it truly is.  When someone is being stalked, they spend almost all of their time worried about their stalker’s next step.  It’s a terrible way to live!

Stalking victims feel like they are constantly being watched.  Every movement, every sound, every person around them could be the stalker.  This fear can make the victim feel like they are never safe, even in their own home.  The victim may wonder if the stalker has been in their home while they were away, or if they are waiting for them inside when they get home.  This can cause victims to become paranoid & anxious, which takes a toll on their mental & physical health.  They may experience physical symptoms such as headaches, nausea, & trouble sleeping due to being on their guard constantly.  Victims should secure their home by doing things such as changing their locks, installing a security system, & being aware of any suspicious activity.  They should also report any incidents of home invasion or property damage to law enforcement.  It may be wise to consider moving to a new location to escape the stalker.  If that is done, victims should also take other steps to protect their privacy, such as using a post office box or having their mail forwarded to a trusted friend or family member.

Being stalked can also cause the victim to wonder about the stalker’s plans.  What do they want from me?  What exactly are they capable of doing?  Are they going to hurt or even kill me?  Stalkers’ intentions are often frightening & unclear, which can make victims feel even more helpless & vulnerable.  Victims know they are in constant danger, yet are unaware of exactly what kind of danger.

One other common fear that victims of stalking have is that the stalker may tamper with their car to make it unsafe.  This can include loosening lug nuts, cutting brake lines, or disabling the ignition.  It is important for victims to be aware of any changes to their car & to have it regularly inspected by a trusted mechanic.  They should also report any suspicious activity or damage to law enforcement.

Another fear that victims often have is that the stalker will involve their job.  The victim may worry that the stalker has contacted their boss or coworkers about them, which could cause them to lose their job, be embarrassed or even ostracized.  Victims should inform their employer of the situation & request that their privacy & safety be respected.  

Stalkers may also try to contact their victims’ friends & family to gain information or to intimidate them.  This can cause the victim to feel isolated & alone, especially if the stalker can convince them that they just care about the victim, which can happen.  They also may worry that their loved ones will be harmed.  Victims should talk to their loved ones about the situation & ask for support. They should inform them of the stalker’s behavior & ask them not to engage with the stalker or provide them with any information.

Stalkers may inundate their victim with text messages, social media, phone calls, or emails.  While this may not sound so bad, it can be extremely stressful & terrifying.  Victims should consider changing their phone number & email address & increasing their privacy settings on social media.  This may not stop a stalker permanently, as they often have ways of finding their victim’s new contact information & ways around blocks.  However, it is absolutely worth doing since not all stalkers do that.

It is important for victims of stalking to seek help & support, & to reach out to law enforcement.  Victim advocates & support groups may be helpful as well.

Stalking victims need to know that they are not alone & that there is help available to them.  They deserve to feel safe & secure, & they should take steps to protect themselves & to seek assistance from those who can help them.

If You Allow Your Family To Treat Your Spouse Badly, Stop It!

Imagine marrying the love of your life, the person you want to spend the rest of your days with.  But there’s one problem – your family doesn’t treat your spouse well.  They make snide remarks, ignore their presence, & even criticize their every move. 

Dysfunctional families like to say blood is thicker than water, but when it comes to your marriage, your loyalty should lie with your spouse above them.  Allowing your family to mistreat your partner not only betrays your spouse but also creates a huge divide between you because of betraying your partner in this way

Before we dive into the solutions, it’s essential to acknowledge that mistreatment from family members towards your spouse is a serious issue.  Your spouse deserves to feel loved, respected, & valued by the people who are an integral part of your life.  It’s easy to become blind to these behaviors, especially if they have been happening for a long time or if you’ve grown up in an environment where mistreatment was normalized.

However, it’s important to remember that your spouse is not accustomed to this treatment.  They entered your family expecting to be treated with basic common decency, & hopefully love.  By allowing your family to mistreat your spouse, you are abandoning them for the sake of preserving your relationship with your family.  This betrayal erodes trust & creates a wedge between you & your spouse that undermines the foundation of your marriage.

You need to know that when your spouse expresses their hurt over your lack of concern, it is not an overreaction.  It is a normal response to the pain they feel due to your lack of interest.  Their feelings should be taken seriously, & the situation needs to be addressed.

When your family members mistreat your spouse, it’s crucial to recognize that the problem lies with them, not your partner.  Their behaviors are not only immature but also toxic & even narcissistic.  These behaviors are a reflection of their own issues & insecurities, not a reflection of your spouse’s worth.

Some common toxic behaviors include constant criticism, belittling remarks, exclusion from family events or conversations, or outright hostility.  These actions have a profound & negative impact on your spouse.  As their partner, it is your responsibility to protect them from such harm.

If your family members react negatively when you assert the need for respect towards your spouse, it’s a clear sign that something is wrong with them.  Healthy, loving families prioritize the well being of their members & respect the boundaries set by each individual.  Don’t let them sway you from doing what is right for your marriage.

Remember, you chose your spouse – you fell in love with them, committed to building a life together, & vowed to love, support & protect them.  Your family, on the other hand, is a part of your life that you were born into.  Familial relationships never should come at the expense of your spouse’s well being.

Also remember Genesis 2:24.  In the Amplified Bible, it says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”  It can be difficult to remember with toxic families, but when you get married, you are to create a new family with your spouse.  This means they need to be your first priority after God, not your family.  This means standing up for them, setting clear boundaries with your family, & actively creating a safe & nurturing environment for your marriage.  This may involve having tough conversations with your family members, or even limiting or ending contact with toxic family members who refuse to change their behavior.

Allowing your family to mistreat your spouse is a serious issue that will have lasting consequences on your marriage if it is ignored.  Remember, you chose your spouse, & they deserve to be treated with love, respect, & dignity.  Don’t let your family’s toxic behavior ruin the bond you share with your partner.  Stand up for your spouse, nurture your marriage, & create a happy life together.

Love Requires Evidence

There is a common saying: actions speak louder than words.  It’s easy for anyone to say the three little words, “I love you,” but it is their actions that truly prove or disprove their declaration of love.  Love requires evidence, & it is through one’s actions that love is revealed & felt.

The Bible beautifully defines love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  This passage in the Amplified Bible says, “Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. ⁵It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. ⁶It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. ⁷Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].  ⁸Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away.”

But how often do we truly witness these qualities in someone who claims to love us?  Are their actions in line with the Biblical definition of love?

If someone claims to love you but fails to display the qualities mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13:4 8, their love is questionable.  Their actions are a testament to their true feelings.  Ask yourself, does this person display the qualities of Biblical love?

Love endures with patience & serenity.  It requires a willingness to understand, forgive, & support the other person.  Does this person display those behaviors or impatience, irritability, or a lack of understanding?

Love is kind & thoughtful.  It goes beyond mere words & encompasses acts of kindness, consideration, & thoughtfulness.  Does this person exhibit those behaviors or fail to show kindness in their actions?

Love is not jealous or envious.  It celebrates the successes & happiness of the other person without feeling threatened or envious.  Does that describe this person accurately? 

Love does not brag & is not proud or arrogant.  It embraces humility & acknowledges the importance of equality & respect in a relationship.  If anyone constantly seeks to assert their superiority or demean the other person, their actions contradict the fundamental nature of love.

Love is not rude or self seeking.  Love manifests through politeness, courtesy, & selflessness. Anyone who consistently disregards your feelings, needs, or boundaries, reveals a lack of genuine love & concern.

Love does not take into account a wrong endured.  It forgives & lets go of past mistakes or hurts.  Holding onto grudges or constantly bringing up past offenses indicates an inability to truly love & forgive.  (Please know I am not referring here to anger at being abused.  That should not be in the “forgive & forget” category!)

Love does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth.  It stands for justice, fairness, & honesty.  Not doing so is evidence of a lack of Godly love. 

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, & endures all things.  It remains steadfast & unwavering during difficult times.  If someone abandons you in times of hardship or fails to support you, their love is not as true as they claim.

Love never fails.  It never fades or ends.  When someone says they love you but their actions consistently fall short of the qualities of love, it is an indication that their love may not be as authentic as they proclaim.

Words are important, but actions reveal the sincerity & depth of love.  When someone’s actions align with the qualities of love described in 1 Corinthians 13:4 8, their love is genuine.  However, if their actions consistently contradict these qualities, their love is questionable.  Remember, love requires evidence, & it is through actions that true love is revealed & experienced.

Narcissists Train Victims to Expect Nothing From Them

Have you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist?  If so I bet that person always made you feel like you were asking for too much.  Did they also make you believe that your needs were insignificant & selfish?  Such things are typical narcissist behavior.

Narcissists manipulate & control their victims to meet their own needs & wants while disregarding the victim’s feelings & desires.  One of the ways they do this is by training their victims to expect nothing from them.

Victims of narcissistic abuse often are afraid to ask for anything from the narcissist with whom they are in a relationship.  They have learned that asking for anything is a huge crisis & usually leads to emotional abuse & manipulation.  

Training their victims to expect nothing from them starts with small things, such as not responding to texts or calls, canceling plans at the last minute, or forgetting important dates or events.  Victims start to feel like they can’t rely on the narcissists & that their needs don’t matter.

Over time, narcissists criticize their victims for asking for anything.  They imply or say outright that their partner is demanding, a nag, selfish, & thinks of no one but themselves.  Narcissists make their victims feel guilty for even bringing up their needs or wants.  For example, if a victim asks their narcissistic romantic partner to spend more time with them, the narcissist may respond by saying that they need their space & that their partner is too clingy.  They will make their partner feel like they are a problem & that they need to change their behavior to accommodate the narcissist.

Victims of narcissistic abuse quickly learn that asking for anything comes at a high cost.  Narcissists use any opportunity to make their partner feel guilty or ashamed for asking for anything, no matter how small.  They use emotional blackmail, gaslighting, & other manipulation tactics to make their partner feel like they are the problem.  They make their partner feel like they are asking for too much & that they should be able to handle everything on their own.  An example is this: if a victim asks their partner for help with something, the narcissist may respond by saying that they are too busy or that their partner is being too needy.

Over time, victims naturally internalize the messages.  They believe that their needs are unimportant & that they should stop asking for anything from their partner.  They become hyper-focused on the narcissist’s needs & desires, forgetting their own in the process.

Breaking free from the abusive cycle is possible.

The first step is to pray.  God has helped me & taught me so much about narcissistic abuse. He is vital in dealing with these people.  Ask Him for wisdom & courage, ask Him to help you recognize the manipulation tactics of the narcissist & anything else you need.  The more you recognize what the narcissist is doing, the less likely you are to tolerate abuse.

It also helps so much to question from an unemotional, logical perspective.  Does what he or she says make sense?  Why is it ok for me to do for them, but they can’t do for me?  Questions like this can help you to gain clarity in your situation.

Narcissists train their victims to expect nothing from them by making them feel guilty & ashamed for asking for anything, while they ask for anything, no matter the cost to their victims.  This is one more way they destroy their victim’s self esteem & train them to shrink themselves so they can focus only on the narcissist.  Breaking free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse is possible, but it takes faith, courage, & determination.  

Perspective Is So Important In Relationships

Relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships, are complex & require constant effort & understanding from all parties involved.  However, when misunderstandings or conflicts arise, it can be all too easy to jump to conclusions & assume the worst about the other person’s intentions.  This is where perspective becomes crucial. 

In this blog post, we will explore the significance of perspective in relationships & how this mindset can lead to growth, understanding, & healthier interactions.  We also will discuss different factors that can influence someone’s behavir.

When faced with a strained or damaged relationship, it can be tempting to solely focus on the other person’s actions & place blame on them for the issues at hand.  However, it is essential to take a hard look at our own behavior & evaluate how it may have contributed to the current state of affairs.

Firstly, we need to ask ourselves if we have done something to make the other person feel unsafe or apprehensive about opening up to us.  It is important to create an environment where people feel comfortable expressing their thoughts & emotions without fear of judgment or retribution.  By reflecting on our own actions, we can identify any patterns of behavior that may have contributed to their reluctance to communicate openly.

Secondly, we must consider if the other person’s expectations of us are unrealistic or if they simply desire consistency from us.  Behaving a certain way at the beginning of the relationship determines what will be expected from the other person long term.  When that changes, it can damage trust, be disappointing & can lead to conflict because the one expecting certain behaviors may feel let down or mislead.

Trust is vital to any healthy relationship, & when it is compromised or even destroyed, it leads to significant challenges.  If someone is displaying signs of insecurity, it is only reasonable to explore whether our actions have contributed to their lack of trust.

Trust can be eroded through a series of small betrayals or a single significant breach.  It is crucial to acknowledge the impact of our actions & take responsibility for repairing the trust we may have damaged.  By empathizing with the other person’s perspective & demonstrating genuine remorse & a willingness to change, we can rebuild trust in time.

It’s also important to recognize that some individuals have deep rooted insecurities that are not solely a result of our actions.  These insecurities can significantly impact their ability to trust & engage in healthy communication.  By being understanding & patient, we can work together to address these insecurities & encourage growth & healing.

Another aspect to consider when examining a damaged or failed relationship is the importance of boundaries & self respect.  It can be easy to dismiss someone’s decision to step away from a toxic dynamic as them giving up too easily.  However, someone having healthy self respect & refusing to tolerate ongoing unhealthy behavior isn’t bad.

Over time, individuals may develop a greater sense of self awareness & realize that certain behaviors or patterns are detrimental to their well being.  By setting boundaries & refusing to accept mistreatment, they are prioritizing their own mental & emotional health.  Their actions should prompt us to honestly evaluate our own behavior & make necessary changes to foster a healthier relationship.

Ultimately, it is vital to approach relationships with humility & a willingness to examine our own actions.  A perspective that values self reflection & understanding creates stronger, healthier connections.  Blaming the other person for a damaged or failed relationship may provide temporary relief, but true growth & resolution can only be achieved by taking an honest look at ourselves & learning to do better. It is through self reflection & a commitment to growth that we can learn from past mistakes & build a better future for ourselves & those we care about.

Things Abusive Partners Say

Many abusive people are very quick to judge & criticize victims of their abuse.  They deny the abuse was bad or that it even happened, they criticize how we choose to heal, they criticize us for not forgiving & forgetting the awful behavior & much more. 

For victims who have been abused by someone they love, then are judged & criticized by that person, I know it can be hard not to take your significant other’s thoughtless & cruel words to heart, but try not to!  You are the only one trying to be functional in this dysfunctional situation, & no one else has the right to judge or criticize how you do it or what you do, least of all the person who is abusing you   Please consider the following points.

Did it ever occur to you that you aren’t dumb, easily manipulated or confused because someone’s words & actions didn’t line up?  Who would know what to do in that situation?! That wouldn’t mean someone is dumb, easily manipulated or confused.  It would mean they were simply human. It takes time & learning to learn what to do in the midst of abuse.

You also aren’t high maintenance, demanding or nagging because you want anyone you share your life with to treat you with basic respect & consideration rather than being abusive.  Wanting people to treat you that way is actually a very good thing!  It shows you care about yourself & have self respect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with or bad about that!

Neither are you high maintenance for wanting to communicate with someone with whom you are in a romantic relationship.  This is a normal need that all human beings have, that God put in people.  Secrets don’t have a place in healthy & loving romantic relationships.

There is nothing wrong with you if you become anxious when someone is hot & cold with you.  Normal, functional people don’t send mixed messages to people that they care about by being very affectionate & attentive in then suddenly turning very cold without explanation.  This behavior is what is wrong.  The anxiety it causes is completely normal.

Being anxious is also completely normal when someone suddenly changes plans frequently, limits your access to them, & is vague when discussing personal details.  Any normal person would be put off by such unsettling behavior.  You also don’t have attachment issues or mental illness if you are unwilling to tolerate those behaviors quietly.

There is nothing wrong with you because you want to face the truth rather than constantly ignoring important issues.  Facing the truth is so much healthier than constantly sweeping things under the rug! Dysfunctional people do this because they prefer to avoid pain.  And, abusive people do this as a way to minimize their abusive behavior in the minds of their victims.  It’s a form of gaslighting.

If your significant other says such things to you, please remember what I have said.  I am telling you the truth, NOT your abusive partner!

If You Feel Stupid Or Weak Because You’re In A Relationship With A Narcissist, Please Read This

Every January, I write a blog post with the purpose of encouraging those who maintain a relationship with a narcissist. You’re in a very difficult & painful position. No doubt you also have been judged & criticized harshly. It’s about time for you to receive some kindness for a change.

If you have been unable to end a relationship with a narcissist, this doesn’t mean you’re stupid or weak at all, although I certainly understand why you feel that way.  Fighting a narcissist is mentally & physically draining.  When the time is right, you’ll know it & have the strength to end the relationship. Timing is very important, & maybe you haven’t been able to end the relationship simply because the timing isn’t right.

Narcissists often destroy their victims financially, making them completely dependent on them.  Being in this position doesn’t make you stupid or weak! It means you have been a victim of financial abuse.

Narcissists often make victims feel forced to maintain the relationship with them.  Somehow they make their victims feel they owe the narcissist. My ex husband did that, which is why I married him in spite of not wanting to. Many threaten their victim if he or she says they want to leave.  They threaten to keep them from their children or even kill their children.  They threaten to kill their loved ones or pets.  When this happens, who wouldn’t stay out of fear the narcissist will follow through on such threats?!  That doesn’t make anyone stupid or weak.  It makes you someone who loves others & wants to protect them.

Narcissists also often make their victims feel obligated to the relationship somehow.  They may twist Scripture around to make you seem evil for considering ending the relationship.  Or they may manipulate your good nature & make you pity them.  If that is your situation, it’s manipulation, not stupidity or weakness on your part!

Maybe the narcissist has destroyed your self-esteem so badly, you feel incapable of surviving without that person.  Sadly, this happens all the time!  Feeling this way isn’t a sign of stupidity or weakness at all.  It’s a sign that a great deal of abuse has taken place.

Maintaining a relationship with a narcissist is hard!  It takes a great deal of cunning & strength to maintain your sanity to continue on in such an awful situation.

If ending the relationship is your goal, that is so wise & brave!  It also isn’t the quick, easy fix many people seem to think it is.  If you live with the narcissist, then you know that it’ll take time to prepare financially, to arrange for a new place to live, & more.  Whether or not you live with the narcissist though, it also takes time to figure out the best way to end that relationship to minimize their rage as well as for you to summon the courage to follow through with your plans.

No, you definitely aren’t stupid or weak.  If you’re looking for solutions, that shows you are smart & also strong.  Obviously you want to survive this situation & that courage of yours will pay off.  You will get through this with your dignity & your sanity in tact!

Being The Fixer In A One Sided Relationship

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you’re constantly the one trying to fix things?  It’s an exhausting & emotionally draining place to be.  The truth is, a healthy relationship should never be one sided.  Both individuals need to put in the effort, compromise, & show each other love.  In this blog post, we will explore the detrimental effects of one sided relationships & why they rarely work in the long run.

Being the fixer in a relationship means that you’re always the one putting in the effort to make things right.  You may find yourself constantly forgiving the other person’s mistakes, overlooking their bad behavior, & making excuses for them.  It feels awful, like you’re carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders alone. 

Being the fixer often means that you’re compromising your own needs & desires for the sake of the relationship.  You may find yourself constantly putting the other person’s needs first, while your own take a back seat.  This imbalance leads to resentment & feeling unappreciated.

Constantly trying to fix things also often leads to a cycle of enabling bad behavior.  By always swooping in to clean up the mess or make excuses for the other person, you’re inadvertently sending the message that their actions are acceptable.  This can perpetuate a dynamic where the other person feels entitled to continue their harmful behavior without any consequences or responsibility.

In a healthy relationship, both individuals actively work on the relationship & put in effort to make it thrive.  It’s not the sole responsibility of one person to fix everything or carry the burden.  Love & commitment should be a two way street.

When both individuals are willing to work on the relationship, compromise becomes easier.  Each person’s needs & desires are taken into consideration, & both partners actively seek solutions that benefit both parties.  This creates equality & mutual respect, fostering a healthier & more fulfilling connection. It also strengthens the bond between them.  The shared effort & commitment create a solid foundation of trust & understanding.  It becomes a partnership where both people can rely on each other & feel secure in the knowledge that they are both invested in the relationship’s success.

One sided relationships have severe consequences for the person who is constantly giving too much.  They struggle with feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, anger, resentment & mental health issues such as anxiety & depression.  Constantly trying to fix things & change your feelings about bad behavior definitely takes a toll on your mental & even physical well being.

One sided relationships rarely work in the long run.  The person who is always on the receiving end becomes complacent & take the other person for granted.  They come to expect the constant fixing & giving without putting in any effort themselves.  This creates an unsustainable dynamic that is bound to crumble over time.

It’s essential to recognize the signs of a one sided relationship & take action to address the imbalance.  Communication, boundaries, & self care are crucial in navigating these situations.  Remember, you deserve a relationship where both individuals are willing to work on it, compromise, & show each other love.  Don’t settle for anything less.

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Extreme Independence Is A Trauma Response

Many of us who have been abused have turned out to be extremely independent.  Although we have relationships in our lives, we try not to rely on other people at all, often even when we really need some help.  And, we often end up angry & resentful because people are so willing to let us help them while they rarely help us.  This makes us withdraw & maintain our independence or even become even more independent.  This behavior reinforces our lack of needing help to others in our lives, so they help or offer to help us even less, & the dysfunctional cycle continues.

Extreme independence is a trauma response in many people, & it happens for valid reasons. 

When you grow up with abusive parents, you learn people can’t be trusted to help you.  Abusive parents fail to meet many of their children’s most basic needs.  Even if they provide food, clothing & shelter, they fail to provide emotional support, to teach their children basic life skills & more.  Instead, they teach their children not to expect them to take care of them, becoming angry with them if they do.  Such treatment teaches children that if they want to avoid other people’s anger, disappointment or being hurt, they need to rely only on themselves when they have needs.

Narcissistic parents are possibly the most effective abusive parents when it comes to creating extremely independent children.  They are too self absorbed to notice let alone care about their children’s needs.  Many also expect their children to take care of them instead of them taking care of their children.  Children in these situations aren’t allowed needs, only the parent is allowed to have them, so children learn to meet their own needs quietly without inconveniencing their parent.  These children also have learned a very painful lesson.  That lesson is when they “bother” their parent with their needs, they are a burden & disappointment to that parent.  Overt narcissistic parents often rage at their children for having the audacity to bother them with their needs.  Covert narcissistic parents are quieter, but still make sure their children know they shouldn’t inconvenience their parent with their needs.  They act disappointed in their child, making the child feel guilty or even ashamed of themselves.  Many narcissistic parents also twist the situation around to return the focus back on the parent.  They may claim they work so hard & sacrifice so much for their child, yet all he or she does is want more.  Or if the parent doesn’t want to meet the child’s need, that parent may claim they are unable to do anything about meeting this need, & even make their child feel badly for them.

Other abusive relationships can cause someone to become extremely independent, too.  Consider the significant other who is too busy with other people to help you when needed or the friend who constantly asks for your help but never helps you.  After being disappointed by these people repeatedly, most people naturally will pull away from them & ask less of them & other people.

If you are extremely independent, learning to be more balanced isn’t easy.  I know, because I struggle with this too.  I also can tell you there is no magical fix for this problem.  It takes time & a willingness to change.  Asking God to help you is the best place to start in my opinion, then do whatever He says to do.  Following His lead will put you on the right path.  Also ask the safe people in your life for help sometimes.  They will be very glad to help you, even if that help is simply to encourage you.  Doing this will help you to gain confidence in the area of asking for help.

Lastly, always continue to learn & grow.  The healthier you become, the easier it becomes to lose toxic habits & mindsets, & also to have a more balanced view of independence.

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Narcissists Mold Victims Into What They Want Them To Be In Relationships

Imagine finding someone who shares your interests, your passions, & your beliefs.  Someone who seems to understand you on a deep level & makes you feel like you’ve found your perfect mate.  That’s the kind of connection that most people dream of having.  However, for victims of narcissists, this connection is just an illusion.

When a victim of narcissistic abuse meets a narcissist, they often feel an instant connection.  This connection is based on the narcissist’s ability to mirror the victim’s personality, interests, & preferences.  The narcissist will pretend to like the same things as the victim, have the same values, & even share similar life experiences.  This creates a sense of familiarity & comfort that makes the victim feel like they’ve found someone who truly understands them.

However, this connection is an illusion.  The narcissist is not actually interested in the victim’s likes, dislikes, or beliefs.  They are simply pretending to be interested to gain the victim’s trust & admiration.  Once they know the victim is hooked, they stop putting in effort & begin to show their true colors.  The victim is left confused & hurt, wondering what happened to the connection they thought they had.

The narcissist will often blame the victim for the sudden lack of connection, suggesting that the victim needs to change or “improve” themselves in some way.   This is a way for the narcissist to control their victim.  The victim often begins to change themselves in an attempt to regain the connection they thought they had, further losing themselves in the process.

As the relationship progresses, the narcissist will use a tactic known as trauma bonding to keep the victim trapped.  Trauma bonding is a powerful psychological bond that forms between a victim & their abuser as a result of intense, emotional experiences.

In a narcissistic relationship, the trauma bonding cycle usually goes like this: the narcissist will reject the victim, causing them emotional pain & feelings of worthlessness.  The victim will then try to win back the narcissist’s affection, often by changing themselves or doing things to please the narcissist.  The narcissist will then “love bomb” the victim, showering them with attention & affection to make them feel validated & loved.  This cycle of rejection & love bombing is what creates the trauma bond, making it difficult for the victim to leave the relationship.

The victim may also feel like they have no other options outside of the relationship.  The narcissist will often make the victim believe that they are so awful, so ugly, stupid, unlovable & more that no one else would want them, & that they are lucky to have the narcissist.  This further traps the victim in the relationship, making it difficult for them to see a way out.

Breaking free from a narcissistic relationship is almost always the best option.  The first step is to recognize that the relationship is abusive & that the narcissist is not capable of change.  The victim must also accept that the connection they thought they had was an illusion, & that the narcissist never truly loved them.

The victim must then begin to set boundaries & distance themselves from the narcissist.  This involves cutting off all contact, or at least limiting contact to only necessary communication.  

It’s important for the victim to understand that they are not alone, & that there are resources available to help them.  There are support groups, therapists, & other professionals who can provide guidance & support throughout the healing process.  Best of all, God is a loving Father who is more than willing to help His children in any situation.

When Your Partner Gets Quiet It May Be A Sign of Trouble In Your Relationship

As one-half of a couple, you know your partner best.  You know when they’re happy, sad, or angry.  But what happens when they get quiet, when they don’t talk about what’s going on in their life or how they feel about your relationship?  It can be a sign of trouble.  Today, we’ll explore some reasons behind why your partner may be quiet, what you can do to fix the situation.

Before we dive into the topic, please keep in mind that every relationship is different.  What works for one couple may not work for another.  That being said, there are some universal truths when it comes to relationships.  Communication is key.  When your partner gets unusually quiet, it’s frequently a sign that something is off. 

They’re dealing with personal issues.  Maybe your partner is going through a tough time at work or with their family.  They may not want to burden you with their problems or may not feel comfortable talking about them yet.

They’re processing their emotions.  Some people need time to sort through their feelings before they can talk about them.  Your partner may be one of these people.  I’m one of them, & can tell you that being this way means if you give me space to process things, when I do talk about them, I’ll make a lot more sense to you.

They’re feeling disconnected from you.  If your partner feels like you’re not paying attention to them or that they’re not important to you, they may start to withdraw.  They may not feel like talking to you because they don’t feel like you care.

Getting quiet also can be a sign that your partner is emotionally detaching from you.   Being quiet can be an attempt to protect themselves from being further hurt or disappointed by you.  Following are some other signs that is why they’re quiet:

They stop complaining, even though nothing has changed.  If your partner used to complain about things but has stopped, it may be a sign that they’ve given up on the issue or worse yet, the relationship.

They stop trying to get you to open up or do things together.  Your partner may not feel like it’s worth the effort anymore, so they stop.

They don’t show affection as much as they used to.  This can mean sex or simple affectionate gestures like giving you a hug when you come home from work.  If your partner used to be affectionate with you but has stopped, it may be a sign that they’re emotionally detaching from you.  They may not feel as connected to you as they used to. 

If you notice any of these signs, it’s important to talk to your partner & find out what’s going on.  Remember to be gentle, understanding, & non-judgmental.  You don’t want to make your partner feel attacked or defensive since that will make things worse.

Ask them how they’re doing.  Sometimes, all it takes is a simple question to get your partner to open up.  Ask them how they’re feeling & if there’s anything you can do to help if they’re struggling.

Listen actively.  When your partner does open up, listen actively.  Repeat back what they’ve said & ask clarifying questions.  This shows that you’re paying attention, that you genuinely want to know what is happening & that you care.

Be patient.  Remember that your partner may need time to process their emotions.  Don’t rush them or pressure them to talk before they’re ready.

Don’t say “I understand” & give examples of why you understand unless your partner asks if you understand something. Doing this without them asking sends the message that you just want to talk about yourself, not them, & it hurts even if that isn’t your intention.

Remember, communication is key.  If your partner has gotten quiet lately, it’s a good idea to find out why.  With time & effort, you can work through any issues & strengthen your relationship.

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How Narcissists Condition Their Victims

Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner seemed too good to be true?  They seemed to share all of your likes, beliefs, & behavior, & you felt like you had found your soul mate.  Then suddenly, something changed, & you were left wondering what happened, what you did wrong, to cause your partner to change so much?

It’s very likely that you were the victim of a narcissist.  Narcissists are master manipulators, & they use a variety of tactics to groom their victims & keep them in the relationship.  Today, we’ll discuss some about the grooming tactics of narcissists, the trauma bonds they create, & how to break free from this toxic cycle.

Narcissists are experts at putting on a show.  They know how to make their victims feel special & loved, & they use this to their advantage.  They start by mirroring their victim’s likes, beliefs, & behavior.  This creates an instant bond which makes the victim feel like they’ve found their soul mate.

Once the narcissist has gained their victim’s trust, they stop trying so hard.  Suddenly, they don’t call as much, don’t make as many plans, & don’t show as much affection.  This leaves the victim feeling perplexed & abandoned, wondering what they did wrong to make the narcissist change so much.

This is the narcissist’s goal, because when the victim is left feeling confused & abandoned, they want to please the narcissist so much that they will do whatever it takes to regain the narcissist’s love & affection.  The victim is now in a place of vulnerability, & the narcissist will exploit this to their advantage.

This cycle of “hot & cold” behavior is what creates trauma bonds.  The victim is now in a cycle of being lured in by the narcissist’s charm & then feeling betrayed when the narcissist withdraws their love & affection.  This cycle can make it very hard for the victim to break free from the relationship.

Breaking free from a narcissistic relationship is difficult, but it is possible.

I firmly believe that God’s help is of the utmost importance in life, but in particular when dealing with narcissists because they are so manipulative.  God can help you to resist their manipulation & to recognize it.   He also can guide you in the best things to say & do to help you navigate this relationship or to end it entirely.

It’s also so important to remember that the narcissist’s behavior is not your fault.  It’s all about their selfishness & what they feel they need to do to get whatever it is they want from you.  There is nothing you can do to make a narcissist treat you the way that they do, so don’t believe that lie!  They have made the choice to abuse you, period.  That choice is all their responsibility, & has nothing to do with you!

It’s absolutely vital to recognize the narcissist’s tactics & to be aware of their behavior.  Once you can recognize their manipulation tactics, it will be easier to break away from their manipulation & to create healthy boundaries.  

It’s very helpful to seek out support from safe friends, family, or a therapist, to help you process your experience & move forward.  If you’re on Facebook, I have a wonderful group on there full of people who are exceptionally kind, caring & who have experienced all types of narcissistic abuse.  You are more than welcome to check it out if you like!

Narcissists are master manipulators & they use trauma bonding to get what they want from their victims.  That can be hard to break, but with awareness & support, it is possible to break free & reclaim your life.

If you or someone you know is in a narcissistic relationship, it’s important to seek out help & support.  Remember that you are not alone & that you deserve to be treated with real, Godly love & respect!

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My publsher is offering a New Year sale on all of my print books. They’re 10% off until January 5, 2024 Simply enter code FROSTYFUN10 at checkout. My print books can be found at this link:

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Does God Really Hate Divorced People?

Many people are very quick to quote Malachi 2:16 (which says God hates divorce) to someone who either has gone through a divorce or is currently going through one.  I experienced this myself during mine, & I can tell you that this is NOT helpful! 

People who say this often do so in a shaming context, as if the person initiating the divorce is in the wrong or the person who was pushed into a divorce didn’t try hard enough to save their marriage.  Worse yet is when this is said to someone who is  attempting to leave an abusive spouse, as if God would want this person to stay in a situation toxic or even dangerous situation.  In any case, it’s as if these people think because God hates divorce, He also hates people who get a divorce.  I really don’t believe this is true!

God clearly loves all people.  He doesn’t only love people who never have been divorced.  John 3:16 in the Amplified Bible says, “For God so [greatly] loved and dearly prized the world, that He [even] gave His [One and] only begotten Son, so that whoever believes and trusts in Him [as Savior] shall not perish, but have eternal life.”  Notice how it says he loved “the world”, not “the world except those who have been divorced.”  He loves people, & knows that no matter how hard we may try, we are still capable of making mistakes.  Those who made the mistake of thinking someone was the right person but turned out not to be aren’t unlovable to God.

If you are divorced because your former spouse was abusive, God loves you!  He knows that although you married someone who treated you terribly, you did your best with what you knew at the time.  Maybe you didn’t recognize the red flags or maybe you didn’t think of those red flags as bad because after growing up with similar behavior, you assumed this was just how people behave.  God knows that, & doesn’t hate you for not knowing better!

Going through a divorce is traumatic, even under the most amicable of circumstances.  People can be very cruel.  They may abandon you in favor of your spouse, blame you for the divorce whether or not it was your fault, & say very insensitive, even sometimes cruel things.  These things can leave you feeling utterly alone at the worst possible time.  Please know though that you truly aren’t alone!  God still loves you, & will get you through this time!  He will comfort you & help to heal your broken heart if you just let Him.  Stay close to Him always, & let Him get you through this painful time.

If you are looking for support from other people as well, please be wise about this!  Talking to someone who has been through a divorce themselves can be very helpful since they have experience in this area. Talk to someone who is non-judgmental, caring, & empathic.  Avoid anyone who gives unsolicited advice, such as whether or not you should start to date again.  No one knows your situation better than you do.  You will know best what you need to do.  Talk to someone who is willing to pray for you & with you, especially during times you can’t find the words.  If you can’t think of anyone like this, then ask God to lead the right person to you.  He absolutely will! 

The Butterfly Project

Several years ago, I decided to start something I call The Butterfly Project. I make either crochet or origami butterflies with a little tag attached that I leave in random places around my home town, & encourage others to do the same. People also can mail me a self addressed stamped envelope to get a butterfly. They look like this:

Here is the back of the tag:

I thought this would be a nice way to remind people that being abused, as painful & horrible as it is, doesn’t have to destroy you, & you’re still valuable. More details about how this came to be are available on the site, & that link will be posted below.

Unfortunately other projects & life got me distracted from this project. I recently got frustrated with myself for abandoning it. I just revamped the website & thought it’d be a good idea to share the site on my blog. My sincere hope is everyone will read the site & join me in this effort or request a butterfly. So, please check out my site below for more information on The Butterfly Project!

The Butterfly Project

Stages Of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, is a common & strange phenomenon among victims of ongoing abuse.  It happens when abusers aren’t abusive all of the time, & show their victims random kindnesses.  Those kindnesses seem to prove to victims that their abuser isn’t all bad, & they really do care for their victim.  That thinking bonds the victim to their abuser & makes them more willing to tolerate abuse.

Narcissists are exceptionally good at trauma bonding their victims to them.  It happens very subtly & in gradually increasing stages of toxicity.  Trauma bonding is much like the story of putting a frog in a pot of water.  If the water is boiling when he goes in, he recognizes the danger & hops out immediately.  But, if it’s warm & gradually the temperature increases to boiling, he won’t notice he’s in danger until it’s too late.  I’ve been through this with my narcissistic ex husband & want to share today what I’ve learned about trauma bonds in the hopes of helping others avoiding the same suffering I experienced.

The first stage of trauma is love bombing.  This is when the narcissist showers you with love, praise & adoration.  You can do no wrong.  You are absolutely perfect!  They’ve never known anyone as amazing & perfect as you.  Gifts can be a part of love bombing too.  They give you things they know you like or have mentioned wanting. If you’re having sex, they can’t get enough of you & let you know they want you constantly, making you feel like the most desirable human being ever

Concurrently with love bombing, they earn your trust.  They validate & support you in every imaginable way.  Any struggle you experience, they are on your side 1,000%.  You are always right, other people are always wrong.  They won’t hesitate to defend you to anyone.  They also hang on your every word & want to know all about your dreams, desires, innermost thoughts, fantasies & goals.

After some time, you naturally feel as if you met the person you can’t imagine living without.  Once you’re secure in this relationship, things begin to change.  Nothing drastic of course… just tiny, subtle changes.  Maybe they aren’t as anxious to spend time with you as they had been.  They also begin to be less generous with praise & become a bit critical.  They may begin to ask more of you too.  Relationships change over time though so it’s easy to chalk up these things to the normal evolution of relationships. 

The more time passes, the more that romantic partner vanishes.  You no longer are the perfect, love of their life.  Instead, you are to blame for everything.  Things that are their fault aren’t their fault, according to them.  They’re your fault.   They also gaslight you into making you believe that they know best about everything, including what is best for you.  Over time, you believe their narrative, not reality & truth.

When this first happens, you fight back, but quickly learn that the only way to experience that loving person at the beginning of the relationship is to give in & stop asking for things like respect & love.  This trains you to settle for narcissistic breadcrumbs, those rare kind gestures, & to be incredibly grateful for them.

This also results in you losing yourself.  You give up those things you once loved to keep this person happy.  Changing your likes, beliefs, & looks seem a small price to pay to be loved like this person once loved you.  You also think if you become what they want you to, they’ll love you like they did at the beginning.

Trauma bonding can result in the body creating something similar to physical addiction.  The constant stress means your stress hormone cortisol level is constantly too high, & looking to activate dopamine to give you that feeling of pleasure.  If that doesn’t happen, something else can happen that I think is more common with covert narcissists.  You feel extremely obligated to this person, & afraid you can’t live without them.  I married my ex not out of love, but out of feeling I owed it to him.

If this describes your relationship, make no mistake, this is an extremely dangerous relationship!  You deserve better than this, & you can survive without this person.  Do yourself a favor & leave as soon as possible!

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Ways To Build A Closer More Loving Marriage: Tips For Husbands

Women are often given plenty of advice on how to be a loving wife & how to support our husbands.  However, there seems to be a lack of guidance when it comes to being a loving, supportive husband.  I thought today would be a good day to explore some practical ways to help men create a more loving marriage that brings joy to both husbands & their wives.

Ephesians 5:25-33 says that it is a husband’s responsibility to love & cherish your wives.  Yet, it is easy to get caught up in the busyness of life & put such things on the back burner.  This shouldn’t be!  There are some simple things men can do to show their wives that they are loved & cherished

One of the most important things you can do is making sure your wives feel like a top priority.  As Christians, God naturally should be first, but after Him, your wives should be your top priority.  One way to do this is to pray for & with your wife.  This is a powerful way to connect spiritually & emotionally.  It shows that you care deeply about her well being & are committed to walking together in faith.

In addition to prayer, it’s also important to let your wives know that they are always on your minds.  Simple gestures such as sending a text or making a quick call during the day when you are apart can go a long way in making her feel loved & appreciated.  These small acts of thoughtfulness show that you value her presence in your life & that she is always in your thoughts.

Your wife also needs to know that you do not expect perfection from her.  Marriage is a journey of growth & learning, & it is vital to create an environment where both people feel safe to be themselves.  By reassuring her that you accept & love her unconditionally, flaws & all, you foster an atmosphere of trust & understanding.

Acts of love & thoughtfulness can strengthen the bond between husband & wife.  Surprise your wife with small, meaningful gifts just because.  It doesn’t have to be extravagant; a heartfelt note, a flower, or her favorite treat can make her day.  These gestures remind her that she is cherished & that you are always thinking of her.

Another way to show love & support is by taking an active role in household chores.  It is unfair for all the responsibilities to fall on your wife’s shoulders.  Regularly ask what you can do or even take the initiative to pitch in without being asked.  If she’s been the primary one to do chores, then ask her how she wants you to do things.  She has experience in this area, so trust that she knows best how to maintain your home.

An open & safe space for communication is so important in marriage.  Share your thoughts, dreams, & concerns with your wife & encourage her to share hers with you.  By allowing each other into your inner worlds, you strengthen the emotional connection & gain a deeper understanding of each other.  Actively listening & engaging in meaningful conversations will make your wife feel valued & loved.

As husbands, you always should have your wives’ backs.  Defend & protect her against anyone who is critical or disrespectful, including family members.  Show unwavering support, both privately & publicly.  By doing this, you increase her trust & let your wife know that you are her biggest advocate & ally.

Lastly, never stop wooing your wife.  Just because you are married doesn’t mean romance should fade away.  Continue to surprise her, plan date nights, & find ways to keep the spark alive in your relationship.  Small gestures like leaving love notes, planning surprise outings, or even a small but meaningful gift reminds her of your love.  If you aren’t sure how to do this, watch how Gomez treated Morticia in the Adaams family movies.  Clearly he adored his wife & showed it at any opportunity.

By making a conscious effort to be a loving husband, you can create a closer & more loving relationship with your wife.  Remember, showing love is not something to be checked off a to do list, but a continuous display of your love & commitment.  With God’s help, you can cultivate a marriage that flourishes & brings joy to both you & your wife.

Stop Carrying Shame That Is Not Yours!

Shame is a very common problem among those who have endured narcissistic abuse.  This happens primarily because narcissists use shame constantly as a means to abuse & control their victims.  This means that victims end up carrying a tremendous amount of toxic shame.  Shame that isn’t theirs & they shouldn’t carry, yet they do anyway.  Today, I hope to help victims recognize & release this shame.  It belongs at the feet of the narcissists who put that shame on them, not on victims.

Narcissists make their victims feel shame for what they have done to their victims.  They blame victims for making them behave as they do, as if anyone had so much control over another person, they could turn that person into such a heartless, cruel monster!  Narcissists can’t handle thinking that they have done something wrong, & it is much easier for them to convince themselves & their victims that their victims deserve whatever was done to them.

Narcissists even make their victims feel ashamed for making other people mistreat them.  Narcissists always are against their victims, including when someone other than them treats their victims badly.  If narcissists can convince themselves that their victims deserve mistreatment or even abuse, that means the narcissist is reasonable in their treatment of the victim.  That is why in the warped, twisted mind of a narcissist, victims are always to blame, & it is always a victim’s fault when anyone mistreats or abuses them. 

Boundaries are another reason that narcissists think victims should feel shame.  Narcissists obviously believe that their victims have no right to any boundaries.  They should tolerate any & all abuses heaped on them silently, & never retaliate.  Boundaries are in clear violation of this mindset.  Even calmly saying “no” to a narcissist is translated to them as an angry victim who is out to get them somehow, & that victim should be ashamed of themselves for being so cruel.

Any victim who is struggling or needs help in any way is perceived as weak & useless, & should be ashamed of themselves, according to narcissists.  In the mind of a narcissist, people struggling & needing help are viewed only two ways.  Either narcissists are the only ones allowed to have struggles & need help such as covert narcissists who convince people to coddle them, or according to overt narcissists, only weak, useless people need help & they have the right to shame people for being this way.  Normal people who struggle periodically don’t exist in the minds of narcissists.

If you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios, please realize that you have no reason to feel shame for any of these reasons.  As I said at first, narcissists use shame as a weapon often.  It is incredibly effective.  However, that doesn’t mean that you need to continue carrying such toxic shame.

First, pray.  Ask God to help you find ways to release the shame & to tell you who you really, truly are, & who He made you to be.  Simple, yes, but this is also effective. 

Second, you need to realize this shame isn’t yours.  It has been put on you by narcissists who refuse to feel any shame at all.  Sometimes they put the shame they should feel on others by projecting their flaws & shortcomings on their victims.  They also use shame to manipulate & control because it is such an effective weapon.  Whatever their reason, this means this shame you feel is truly NOT yours!  Refuse to carry it for another moment!  Making that decision is where healing really begins.

Third, accept that the shame you feel should be returned to the person who put it on you in the first place.  This probably sounds odd but sometimes visualizing returning it to your abuser or placing it at Jesus’ feet is very helpful.  I have imagined a big cardboard box that was writhing & ugly, & trying to return it to my mother since she was my biggest shame inducing abuser.  Naturally I realized she wouldn’t have taken it back if she could, so rather than expecting her to take it, I imagined laying it at her feet to do with as she wanted, then walking away.  Doing that was very helpful to me, but others I have spoken with who have done this benefitted by laying it at the feet of Jesus.  Whatever works for you is all that matters. 

You probably will have to repeat these steps, especially when the shame is deep seated within you but every time you do them, they will help you.  Keep it up!

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The Subtle Destruction & Evil Of Too Close Families

Some families are so tightly knit that no outsider can penetrate their bond.  They appear loving, supportive, & inseparable.  However, beneath the surface, this seemingly close knit family is a breeding ground for destruction, ensnaring its members in a web of enmeshment.  Enmeshed families are characterized by their inability to create healthy boundaries, resulting in the exclusion of friends, the shunning of spouses, & the deterioration of marriages.  Today’s goal is to explore the insidious nature of enmeshment, its devastating consequences, & how victims of enmeshed families can break free using the teachings of Christianity.

Enmeshment is a phenomenon that can be so subtle that it often goes unnoticed until it has already wreaked havoc on the lives of its victims.  In enmeshed families, the concept of individuality is sacrificed for the sake of maintaining an illusion of being a happy, loving family.  Friends are few & far between, as the family demands all of its members’ time, attention, & loyalty.  This exclusivity leaves virtually no room for personal growth or the cultivation of meaningful relationships outside the family circle.

When individuals marry into an enmeshed family, they quickly realize that their spouse’s loyalty lies first & foremost with their family of origin.  This dysfunctional prioritization often leads to a tumultuous marriage, with the enmeshed spouse consistently choosing their family over their partner.  As a result, the non-enmeshed spouse feels neglected, unimportant, & constantly competing for attention & affection from their enmeshed spouse.

Enmeshment treats adults like children, stripping them of their individuality & independence.  Every decision, big or small, is subject to the approval & control of the enmeshed family.  This dysfunction stifles personal growth & perpetuates a cycle of dependency & emotional manipulation.  Enmeshment thrives on lies like “family always comes first,” & “No one loves you like your family!” which is contrary to the teachings of Christianity.

2 Corinthians 11:14 reminds us that evil can disguise itself, appearing harmless or even beneficial.  Enmeshment, with its veneer of love & togetherness, is a perfect example of this deception.  Like the enemy Jesus described in John 10:10, enmeshment steals, kills, & destroys the very essence of its victims’ identities, independence, & normalcy. 

Victims of enmeshment often suffer in silence, unaware of the sinister nature of their situation.  They grew up believing that their family’s behavior is normal & that their suffering is a result of their own inadequacies.  However, by recognizing the truth & seeking to break free from enmeshment, they can begin to reclaim their lives & experience the abundant, fulfilling life that God intended for them.

In order to escape enmeshment, victims must question the lies that have been ingrained in their minds.  They must challenge those false beliefs, like family always comes first, & replace them with the truth such as God’s love encompasses all relationships & calls for healthy boundaries.  To do these things, it helps to have a close relationship with God, to read your Bible often & to have Godly, supportive friends who encourage, help & pray for & with you.

The teachings of Jesus emphasize the value of individuality, love, & healthy relationships.  By focusing on these principles, victims can find solace, support, & the courage to take the necessary steps towards freedom such as setting healthy boundaries.

It is essential for victims to understand that breaking free from enmeshment is a gradual process.  Healing takes time, patience, & self compassion.  It won’t happen over night but it will happen.  I did it, with God’s love, support & guidance.

Enmeshment is a truly sinister force that can disguise itself as love & unity.  Never underestimate its evil.  Its destructive power is evident in lost identities, shattered independence, & fractured marriages it leaves in its wake.  To break free from the clutches of enmeshment, victims must embrace the truth, & draw strength from their faith.  By doing so, they can emerge from the darkness & experience the fullness of life that God intended for them.

For more in depth information, check out my book on enmeshment at the following link…

https://books2read.com/u/47VO5E