Feeling Undeserving Manifests In All Kinds Of Unusual Ways

Do you find yourself working constantly without breaks, failing to take care of yourself when sick or injured, & not having healthy boundaries?  If so, these likely are all coping mechanisms to deal with a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness.  The good news is once you start to recognize & challenge these behaviors, you can begin to heal & believe in your worthiness.

One of the ways in which feeling undeserving manifests is through the need to constantly do, achieve, & accomplish.  Whether it’s in our personal or professional lives, we push ourselves to the limit, working long hours without breaks, & sacrificing our mental & physical well-being in the process.   This behavior is often rooted in the belief that you need to prove your worthiness through achievements.  You believe that if you work hard enough, you can earn the love, respect, & validation that you so desperately crave.  Sadly, the reality is that no amount of doing can ever make us feel truly worthy.  Until you start to prioritize rest, self-care, & balance in life, you won’t begin to feel true peace & fulfillment.  Your worthiness is not tied to your productivity, & taking care of yourself is a crucial part of living a happy & fulfilling life.

Another way in which feeling undeserving manifests is through neglecting our physical, emotional, & mental health.  We ignore our needs, push through pain & illness, & refuse to ask for help when we need it.  This behavior often is rooted in the belief that you don’t deserve care & kindness.  For me, I believed that I was a burden on others, & that my needs were not important enough to be met.  The reality is that we all deserve to be taken care of, especially when we are going through a hard time.  Prioritizing your well-being & asking for help when needed will help you to begin to feel self-love & compassion.  Taking care of yourself is not selfish, but rather an act of kindness towards yourself & those around you.

One of the most damaging ways in which feeling undeserving manifests is through the inability to set healthy boundaries, tolerating abuse, & settling for things that are bad for us.  This behavior usually is rooted in the belief that you don’t deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, & love.  Like other children of narcissistic parents, I grew up believing that I had to settle, & that I didn’t have the right to say no or stand up for myself.  It wasn’t until I started to recognize my worthiness & set healthy boundaries that I began to attract people & situations that honored & respected me.  I learned that I deserve to be treated with love & kindness, that I have the right to say no to anything that doesn’t align with my values & needs & I also have the right to terminate relationships that are one sided or damaging to my peace & mental health

Feeling undeserving can manifest in unusual & damaging ways, but it doesn’t have to define us.  By recognizing & challenging these behaviors, we can learn to believe in our worthiness & live a happy & fulfilling life.  Remember that you are worthy of love, respect, & happiness, & that no one but God has the right to define you.  Ask Him often to tell you the truth about yourself, & never let anyone have the power to make you feel unworthy.

Suggestions For Managing Triggers

Anyone who has been through trauma is familiar with triggers.  Triggers are anything that reminds you of trauma or prompts a flashback.  They can be as obvious as seeing your abuser or they can be more subtle like hearing a song your abuser listened to often.  Whatever the trigger is doesn’t really matter.  What matters is how you cope with them.  Today we are going to discuss some helpful tips in managing the painful emotions associated with triggers.  These tips also help when suffering flashbacks.

Grounding techniques are helpful for dealing with flashbacks but also with triggers.  Grounding involves focusing on something else other than the flashback or trigger.  To do this, you need to involve your senses.  I find it especially helpful to use things that are very obvious, such as the smell of lavender or touching a very coarse or soft fabric.  When something is so obvious, it kind of hijacks the senses, & demands your focus.  This is particularly useful during flashbacks since they tend to want to override your reality. 

Move!  The simple act of moving your body can shift your body’s physical response to triggers & enable you to deal with them emotionally.  You don’t have to go for a jog or ride a skateboard.  Simply walking around or even looking at your surroundings can be enough to help. 

Remind yourself of what is happening to you.  Remind yourself that you are safe.  You are simply being reminded of something that was traumatic.  That doesn’t mean you are in any danger.  The trigger is a normal part of being traumatized or abused, & there is nothing wrong with you for experiencing it. 

Snuggle your beloved pet.  Animals are the BEST!  They offer unconditional love, companionship, entertainment & more.  They are also wonderful for helping during darker times such as during flashbacks & triggers.  If you are experiencing this pain, snuggle your furbaby & let them help you.  There can be so much comfort in this!  In fact, did you know that there is healing in cat purrs?  It’s true!  The sound is known to release endorphins not only in cats but in humans as well.  This means a purring kitty can help you to lower your stress level & even lower your blood pressure!  Cats truly are magical!

Don’t judge yourself for being triggered.  It can be hard not to do this sometimes, but it is important not to judge yourself when triggered.  It only adds to your frustration & even shame, & there is no point in it!  Instead, accept that they are a normal part of life after trauma.

Don’t try to avoid triggers.  As tempting as it may be to try to avoid triggers, doing so isn’t healthy.  For one thing, it’s very frustrating since avoiding them completely is impossible.  For another, avoiding them doesn’t help you to heal.  If you look at triggers as a sign you need healing in specific areas, then focus on healing in those areas, you heal & grow a little more with each trigger you face.  And as an added bonus, the things that once were painful triggers stop hurting so much.  The pain may not entirely disappear, but it at the very least will diminish greatly.  There may be times you need to take a break from emotional healing work & avoid your triggers when possible, but for the sake of your mental health, don’t try to avoid them permanently!

Triggers are a totally normal part of life after trauma, but they don’t have to rule your life.  You can use them to your advantage, & heal & grow from them.

Validating Those With C-PTSD

Many of you who follow my work have the same debilitating disorder as I do, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & I want to offer you some validation today.  I know validation is often hard to come by with C-PTSD, so I’m sure you need it.

Many people who don’t have C-PTSD don’t really even believe it’s a real thing.  They think it’s some made up disorder.  Others think it was caused from being too negative or not “thinking happy thoughts.”  Some people also think we’re weak for being so affected by the abuse that gave us C-PTSD.  This commonly happens among those who also experienced abuse but didn’t develop the disorder. 

There is so much that people who think in these ways don’t realize, yet in spite of their obvious ignorance, they somehow manage to make those of us with C-PTSD feel terrible about having this disorder.  That should not be!  There is no reason to feel badly or even ashamed of yourself for having this disorder, & I’ll tell you why.

C-PTSD is a potentially fatal disorder.  Living daily with crippling anxiety & depression, having frequent nightmares & flashbacks is absolutely miserable.  Even when doing everything possible to heal, almost everyone with C-PTSD lives with at least some of the symptoms for their entire life.  Many people who live with it seriously consider suicide rather than live this way.  And sadly, many of those people go on to end their own lives.  If you keep going in spite of feeling this way, you are strong & courageous!

Many people assume people with C-PTSD are just lazy.  Most of us with C-PTSD push ourselves extremely hard each & every day just to survive.  This takes up almost all of a person’s energy.  Many people with C-PTSD can’t do more than simply survive many days.  Add in normal daily activities such as working, doing laundry, going to the grocery story & more, & by the end of each day, the average person with C-PTSD is exhausted both mentally & physically.  That exhaustion doesn’t mean a person is lazy.  It means a person is struggling with a very real & very difficult mental disorder.  Remember this the next time someone accuses you of being lazy.

Many people think that people with C-PTSD are faking their symptoms as a cry for attention.  This is not even close to accurate.  If we’re faking anything, we are faking being much better off than we really are.  Most people get very uncomfortable when they’re around someone whose symptoms are flaring up, & rather than make people feel that way, most of us try to hide them or distance ourselves from others when that happens.  Other people see us at our best, not our worst, & jump to the conclusion that since they don’t see us waking up screaming from nightmares, having flashbacks,  or crying in the shower, we must be faking having C-PTSD.   They are absolutely wrong though!  No, you are NOT faking C-PTSD.  I believe you!!  If you’re faking anything, it’s being much better off than you really are.

Many people assume if you don’t discuss having C-PTSD often, it can’t be all that bad.  These people couldn’t be more wrong.  Many people are private, & don’t feel comfortable discussing details of such a personal topic as a mental disorder.  Also, many of us with this awful disorder developed it as a direct result of narcissistic abuse.  Narcissists have zero tolerance for the problems of other people, & can be so proficient with their gaslighting, they convince their victims that no one wants to hear about any problem they have or even that they don’t have this problem.  Even after the abuse is over & the narcissist is out of their victim’s life, the victim often continues to gaslight himself or herself without realizing it by thinking no one cares that they have this problem or that they don’t really have a problem at all.  In spite of the overwhelming evidence that they have C-PTSD, they still minimize the symptoms & severity of it or even doubt they have it.  This is normal, & I struggle with this myself more often than I care to admit.  It’s ok to admit you have this disorder to yourself & others.  You don’t have to discuss it non stop of course, but you do have the right discuss whatever you feel comfortable discussing.  And, if you prefer not to discuss it, that doesn’t mean you don’t have it or it isn’t all that bad!  It just means you’re a private person, which is perfectly fine! 

I hope those of you with C-PTSD feel more validated after reading this post.  Living with C-PTSD isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, & you deserve credit for having strength & courage.  You also deserve validation!

Understanding Your Emotional State After Abuse

Living through abuse can be one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through.  Abuse victims often experience ongoing trauma, such as growing up with abusive parents & later marrying an abusive man or woman.  This means that they can be left feeling overwhelmed & exhausted by their horrific experiences.  It can be easy to become frustrated with yourself for not being able to “bounce back” quickly.  It’s important to remember that humans were not designed to experience trauma, & it’s completely normal for it to make you feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning.

It’s equally important to be gentle & kind with yourself, but in particular after experiencing trauma.  Always remember that it’s not a sign of weakness to feel traumatized, or even develop PTSD or C-PTSD.  It’s a sign that you are a human being with feelings, & that you have experienced something that is incredibly difficult to process.

I firmly believe that a relationship with God is vital, & invaluable with helping a person to heal after experiencing abuse.  He is so loving & gentle, & gladly will offer you all the comfort you need, guide you in ways to help yourself to heal, give you strength when you feel weak & anything else you need.

There will be times when you don’t function well either mentally or physically after trauma, & that is normal.  It doesn’t mean you’re weak, flawed or crazy.  In fact, it’s a sign of strength that you are still standing & doing your best to manage despite all that you’ve been through!  Don’t be mad at yourself for these times that you may experience, because it will only make you feel worse.  Instead, take a moment to recognize & honor the strength that you have.

In order to heal, it’s important to take the time to fully process your pain.  This can be done through prayer, journaling, talking to a trusted friend, seeking out professional help with someone educated in trauma recovery or a combination of all of these things.  Taking the time to process your pain can help to reduce the intensity of your emotions, which will allow you to move through your trauma in a healthier way.

It’s also important to recognize that healing doesn’t happen overnight.  It’s a process that takes a lot of time, often even a lifetime.

It can be difficult to be patient & kind with yourself when you feel overwhelmed & exhausted by trauma. However, always  remember that you are a strong person who is capable of healing with God’s help.  Remind yourself that He is on your side, that you are doing the best you can & that it’s ok to have times when you struggle more than other times.

It also is important to practice good self care. Take some time for yourself often to do things that make you feel good & bring you joy.  This could be anything – taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, reading a book or watching a movie.  Taking the time to focus on yourself & your own needs helps to reduce stress & makes it easier to manage your trauma.

Living through trauma is an incredibly difficult experience & it can be easy to become overwhelmed by the experience. It’s important to remember that humans weren’t designed to experience trauma & it’s normal to feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning. It’s not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength that you survived something so traumatic. It’s important to be gentle & kind with yourself & to take the time to fully process your pain. By taking care of yourself, you can move through your trauma in a healthier way.

What It Really Means When Narcissists Accuse And Insult Their Victims

Narcissists are masters at something called projection.  Basically, this is when they accuse someone of doing things that they truly haven’t done, but the narcissist does on a regular basis.  For example, a narcissist who accuses you of lying is most likely a liar. 

Until you know about what they are doing, it can be tough to handle this sort of behavior.  It’s painful & baffling when you are accused of doing things that you never have done or, in many cases, never even considered doing.  I know, since I’ve been there.  When I was in my late teens, some of the things my mother accused me of doing were astonishing because they never even crossed my mind. 

Another thing narcissists project onto their victims are their own insecurities.  The narcissist who feels unattractive will call their victim ugly, or the narcissist who is insecure about their intelligence tells their victim often how stupid they are.  When a narcissist does this often enough & with such conviction, victims usually take their cruel words to heart.  Again, I know as I’ve done this too.  This is how I ended up battling anorexia at age 10.  My mother constantly told me how fat I was, & at that young age, the only way I thought I could lose weight was to stop eating.

Today, I want to encourage those of you who have been in this situation, or are still in it. 

A helpful piece of advice I can give you is this.. when a narcissist accuses you of something you have done or said something negative about you, think about it for a moment.  Ask yourself what evidence is there that what they said is accurate?  Chances are, there is none.  Then, consider the narcissist.  Has he or she ever shown signs of either doing or wanting to do the thing they said you did?  I bet there is some evidence, even a small amount, that they have done that thing.  Or, if the narcissist insulted you, think about them.  Did the narcissist call you stupid, yet acts as if they know it all, for example?  My ex husband frequently let me know he thought he was supremely intelligent & I was stupid, & he acted as if he knew everything.  Looking back, I realize what appeared to be confidence was simply concealing the fact he knew I was smarter than he was.  By acting like he was smarter than me, he made me believe that was true.  Narcissists often do this sort of thing with projection.

If you are unsure of answers to such questions, then ask God for help.  Ask Him to show you the truth about the situation, because He will be more than happy to do so.  In fact, do it whether or not you are sure of the answers, because He gladly will show you all that you need to know, even things that you have missed.

Remember that when a narcissist projects or insults you, they are giving you insight into themselves.  They are telling you things that they will do & areas where they feel badly about themselves.  They aren’t saying such things because they are true.  Far from it.  This is how they process their flaws & insecurities.  By accusing you of these things, it allows them to be angry about their own problems while accepting no responsibility for them or working to change themselves.  It has nothing to do with you at all.  Projection, like everything else related to narcissists, is all about them.

Medical Trauma Involves More Than Serious Health Scares

When we think of medical trauma, we often imagine individuals going through life threatening health scares, battling serious illnesses, or surviving severe accidents. While these experiences are undoubtedly traumatic, it’s important to recognize that medical trauma encompasses more than just these extreme situations. It also includes the emotional & psychological distress that can arise from feeling dismissed, belittled, or mistreated by healthcare professionals.

As someone who has personally endured medical trauma, I can attest to the fact that the fear & anxiety associated with medical trauma can be overwhelming. Whether it is the constant worry of being minimized by doctors or the anticipation of encountering rude & hostile staff members, these experiences leave a lasting impact.

In this blog post, I will share my own encounters with medical trauma, highlighting the need for support & understanding for all individuals who have experienced similar challenges.

One form of medical trauma that often goes unnoticed is the dismissal of valid concerns by healthcare professionals. I experienced this firsthand when I was just 19 years old. Struggling with awful back pain, I sought medical help, only to be met with skepticism & accusations of faking my pain. The doctors claimed that I was “too young” to have such severe back problems. Others I knew also thought I was faking it because I was simply too lazy to work.

This dismissal invalidated my pain, amplified my anxieties & made me question my own experiences. Many times over the years I doubted my pain was real. I believed they were right.. I was faking it & was too lazy to work.

Furthermore, it is crucial to acknowledge that the dismissal of valid concerns is rarely an isolated incident. Many individuals with rare conditions, chronic illnesses or pain face similar challenges, struggling to find healthcare providers who take their symptoms seriously. This lack of validation perpetuates a cycle of medical trauma.

In addition to the dismissal of concerns, medical trauma can also stem from the hostile & rude behavior exhibited by healthcare staff. Imagine walking into a medical facility, already anxious & in pain, only to be met with disdain & judgment. Sadly, this was my experience in the emergency room after barely surviving Carbon Monoxide Poisoning in 2015.

The staff’s nonchalant attitude & lack of empathy made me feel like my condition was inconsequential. Despite nearly dying from exposure & having a serious head injury from hitting my head when I passed out, they treated my symptoms as if they were minor, & gave me no warning what to expect in the future.

Healthcare settings should be safe spaces for individuals seeking help & healing. When healthcare providers & staff exhibit hostility & rudeness, it further exacerbates the trauma experienced by patients. The emotional scars left by these encounters can impact an individual’s trust in the healthcare system & hinder their ability to seek necessary medical care in the future. I can attest to this, as I have virtually no trust in doctors or hospitals now.

People not in the field also never should be judgmental or dismissive of the health struggles of other people. The emotional toll of being doubted & dismissed by medical staff or friends & family never should be underestimated. It is a trauma that deserves recognition & support.

Societal norms often dictate that people should be grateful for any form of medical attention they receive, which makes it difficult to be open about such experiences. This is so wrong! Everyone’s pain & suffering should be acknowledged & validated. This means actively listening, believing experiences, & empowering people to advocate for their own health.

Moreover, healthcare professionals & staff must develop empathy, compassion, & sensitivity. By fostering an environment of understanding & respect, we can prevent further medical trauma & improve the overall quality of care provided.

It is time to recognize & address the diverse range of medical trauma experiences that individuals face. Everyone should prioritize empathy, understanding, & validation in every area, including when it comes to people’s health.

Avoid Dysfunctional People Who Have No Interest In Healing

Dysfunctional people are those who have experienced trauma or other negative life events that have affected their mental health & well-being.  They can struggle with addiction, depression, anxiety, or a plethora of other mental health issues.  Sadly, some dysfunctional people become so committed to their dysfunction that they have no tolerance for anything functional or healthy.

These individuals may try to bring others down to their level by discouraging healthy habits or behaviors.  For example, if you are trying to eat a healthy diet, they may tell you that you are missing out on all the good foods & that you should indulge in unhealthy options.  They may also try to sabotage your efforts by tempting you with unhealthy foods or behaviors.

Such people also frequently try to silence others who have been through trauma, especially if the trauma is similar to theirs.  They don’t want to be reminded of the pain they’re working hard to avoid or they feel badly about themselves when they see someone else conquering the same demons they are too afraid to face.  Shutting down others in similar situations is an effective way for them to avoid these feelings.

It is important to remember that dysfunctional people are not necessarily bad people.  They are struggling with their own demons.  They don’t know how to overcome them & lack the courage to try.  However, it is not our responsibility to fix or rescue them.  We must prioritize our own mental health & well-being, & that means setting boundaries with those who aren’t good to or for us.

If you find yourself in a relationship or friendship with someone who is dysfunctional & unwilling to heal, it is important to protect yourself from their toxicity.  This can mean setting boundaries or even ending the relationship altogether.

Setting boundaries with dysfunctional people can be difficult, especially if they are family members or close friends.  However, it is important to remember that you have the right to prioritize your own well-being.  This means limiting contact with them or avoiding certain topics of conversation.

If you have experienced trauma or abuse in your own life, it can be especially difficult to navigate relationships with dysfunctional people.  They can be incredibly frustrating if you have worked on your healing, & their behavior can be very upsetting, even triggering.  It may be necessary to end the relationship altogether, especially if they’re negatively affecting you somehow.  This can be a difficult decision, but you need to remember that you deserve to be around people who support & uplift you.

It’s particularly helpful in such situations to reach out for support from God, other believers, a trusted friend, family member, or even a counselor.

While it can be difficult to set boundaries or end relationships, it is important to prioritize our own needs & protect ourselves from toxic influences such as dysfunctional people who aren’t interested in their own healing.  Although we are called to love & care for those around us, we need to remember that we can’t pour from an empty cup.  Take care of yourself first, & then you can be a blessing to those around you.

Feeling Emotionally Numb After Trauma Is Normal

As victims of abuse, we often find ourselves struggling to cope with the aftermath of traumatic experiences.  One common & confusing symptom is emotional numbness.  It can be difficult to understand why we feel nothing at all, especially when we know we should be feeling something.  This post will explore the causes of emotional numbness & provide tips on how to cope.

Experiencing trauma is such an emotional experience that it can burn out your emotions, which leads to feeling numb.  Our brains can only handle so much emotion at once, & when we are constantly experiencing intense feelings of fear, sadness, or anger, our brains become overwhelmed, & we shut down emotionally.  This is our brain’s way of protecting us from further emotional harm.  Emotional numbness is a common symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) & Complex PTSD.

Emotional numbness can also be a result of prolonged emotional abuse. Victims of abuse often learn to shut off their emotions as a way to protect themselves from further harm.  This can lead to a disconnect from their emotions over time.

As a side note, some medications used to treat mental health conditions may cause emotional numbness as a side effect.  It is important to talk to your doctor about any symptoms you are experiencing so they can help you adjust your medication or find alternative treatments.

There are signs of emotional numbness.  Following are some of those signs.

Trouble thinking clearly: Victims of trauma may struggle with cognitive function & have trouble focusing & making decisions.

Memory troubles:  Victims of trauma may have difficulty remembering details or events surrounding their trauma.

Over reacting or under reacting:  Victims of trauma may find themselves reacting to situations in an extreme or opposite way to how they would usually react, or they may have little or no reaction.

Have trouble expressing any emotions, whether they’re good or bad:  Victims of trauma may struggle to express their emotions, even those that are typically considered “positive.”

Being indecisive: Victims of trauma may struggle with making decisions & feel paralyzed when faced with choices.

Failing to think much about decisions:  Victims of trauma may avoid making decisions altogether as a way to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

Being unsure about any wants:   Victims of trauma may struggle to know what they want or need, due to a disconnection from their emotions.

Feel disconnected from reality:  Victims of trauma may feel as though they are watching their life from a distance or that they are living in a dream.

While emotional numbness can be a difficult symptom to cope with, there are things you can do to help yourself feel more connected to your emotions. Here are some tips:

Prayer.  Talking to God about your feelings & asking His help too cope will be more helpful than anything.  He is a loving Father, & will be more than happy to help you.

Try journaling: Writing down your thoughts & feelings can help you process your emotions & reconnect with yourself.  Seeing things in writing is a very helpful way to gain clarity on a situation.  Looking back over old entries also will help you to realize how far you’ve come.

Engage in self-care: Taking care of yourself physically & emotionally can help you feel more grounded & connected to your emotions. 

Remember that healing takes time, & it is ok, even normal, to feel numb sometimes.  Be patient & gentle with yourself as you work on your healing.

Signs Of High Functioning Depression

Depression is not always easy to spot.  People with high functioning depression may appear to be successful & happy on the outside, but inside they are struggling with a constant battle against negative thoughts & emotions.  This type of depression is sometimes referred to as smiling depression, as individuals may appear to be “very together” but are struggling on the inside. 

One of the most common signs of high functioning depression is the need to be constantly busy.  The individual may fill their schedule with work, hobbies, & social events to avoid being alone with their thoughts.  They are trying to avoid their feelings by staying busy.  This person also may feel guilty for taking a break or resting, believing that they are not being productive enough.  However, this constant busyness is exhausting & often leads to burnout. 

Another aspect of this mask of busyness is the constant need to achieve & be productive.  People with high functioning depression may set themselves impossibly high standards & strive for perfection in everything they do.  This can lead to a cycle of self-doubt & self-criticism when they inevitably fall short of their too high expectations.  People who do this believe that their worth is tied to their achievements & productivity, leading to a constant need to prove themselves.

Another sign of high functioning depression is difficulty experiencing joy.  They may feel like they are just going through the motions of life, without any real enjoyment or fulfillment.

People with high functioning depression often have a harsh inner critic.  They may be critical of themselves & others, constantly finding faults & flaws.  This harsh inner critic leads to feelings of inadequacy & a lack of self-worth.  They struggle with making decisions, fearing that they will make the wrong choice or that they are not capable of making the right one, which can lead to analysis paralysis & struggles with making decisions.

The inner critic can also manifest as irritability & a quick temper.  The individual may become easily frustrated with themselves & others, lashing out in anger or becoming withdrawn & silent. 

One of the most insidious aspects of high functioning depression is the mask of perfectionism.  Individuals may appear to have everything together, with a successful career, a loving family, & a busy social life.  However, this mask can be a facade for deep-seated feelings of inadequacy & self-doubt.

People with high functioning depression often struggle with extreme perfectionism, setting impossibly high standards for themselves & striving for perfection in everything they do.  This leads to a constant state of stress & anxiety, as they fear that they will never measure up.  They may struggle with imposter syndrome, feeling like they are a fraud & that one day they will be exposed as such.

Despite their outward appearances, people with high functioning depression may struggle with feelings of worthlessness & a lack of purpose.  They may question the meaning of life & their place in the world.

People with high functioning depression sometimes struggle to recognize that they are depressed, as they may believe that depression is only for those who are unable to function in their daily lives.  However, it is important to recognize that high functioning depression is a real & valid condition that can have serious consequences if ignored.  The depression can become much worse over time or other disorders may manifest in addition to the depression, such as eating disorders or substance abuse.

High functioning depression can be difficult to spot, as individuals may appear to be successful & happy on the outside.  However, the signs of this condition are real & should not be ignored. 

Sometimes Illness & Injury Can Make Us Self Centered

When we think of narcissism, we often associate it with selfish & self centered individuals who only care about themselves.  However, sometimes when a person becomes seriously ill or injured, they may exhibit similar behavior.  It’s crucial to recognize that this self centeredness doesn’t necessarily mean they are true narcissists.  Instead, it stems from the necessity to focus on their healing or adapting to a new disability.

As someone who has experienced this firsthand, I can attest to the profound impact serious health concerns can have on one’s perspective & behavior.  After barely surviving carbon monoxide poisoning, I found myself constantly thinking about my own well being.  Simple tasks that were once effortless became daunting, as was the fear of never fully recovering.  This experience made me realize the importance of acknowledging & addressing this self centeredness. 

When faced with a severe illness or injury, individuals often find themselves forced to prioritize their own well being.  Whether it’s the physical healing process or adjusting to life with a disability, the focus becomes very centered on oneself.  This shift in perspective is not necessarily a sign of narcissism but rather a necessary response to the immediate challenges at hand.

During my recovery from carbon monoxide poisoning, I had to redirect my attention to the simplest tasks that I once performed effortlessly.  Suddenly simple things became monumental endeavors.  The fear of not fully recovering & the uncertainty of the future intensified this self centeredness.  It was a survival mechanism, a way to cope with my “new normal” but it easily could have become a problem in my relationships.

It’s important to remember that when someone is going through this self centered phase, they may not even realize it themselves.  They are deeply immersed in their own struggles & challenges that make it difficult for them to consider others as they once did.  This realization can help us approach them with empathy & understanding while also helping them to broaden their focus.

When someone we care about is going through a serious health concern, they need plenty of reassurance & support.  Letting them know that you are there for them can provide a sense of comfort & help alleviate some of their fears & anxieties.  It’s also equally important to prioritize your own well being in the process.

As a caregiver or supporter, it’s easy to get caught up in the needs & demands of the person who needs your help.  While you can be there for them, it’s equally crucial to take care of yourself.  Neglecting your own needs leads to burnout & resentment, ultimately hindering your ability to provide the support they need & taking a toll on your mental health.

Changing the subject sometimes to your own experiences or challenges can be a gentle way to introduce the idea that they may be talking about themselves excessively.  By sharing your own stories & struggles, you can subtly encourage them to broaden their conversations & shift their focus.  However, this approach should be handled delicately, ensuring that they are open to such discussions & receptive to feedback.

It’s important to recognize that this self centeredness is not limited to any specific group of individuals.  Anyone facing significant health challenges can exhibit these behaviors. 

By recognizing the underlying reasons for this behavior, we can avoid labeling individuals as narcissists who don’t deserve that label.  Instead, we can offer support, reassurance, & gentle guidance to help them navigate their journey.

Life With Chronic Illness Or Pain

Living with a chronic illness or pain is filled with immense loss & challenges.  It is not simply the physical symptoms, but also the profound emotional impact it has on the lack of ability to live a “normal” life.  We lose the freedom to do things we once loved without pain or exhaustion, & with that loss comes grief & mourning for the life we once enjoyed.  Additionally, we find ourselves having to adapt to new limitations, which can be emotionally draining & isolating.  Today, I want to offer some hope & encouragement in the midst of these struggles.

One of the most significant losses that individuals with chronic illness or pain experience is the loss of normalcy.  Before the onset of the condition, we were able to engage in activities without the burden of pain or exhaustion.  We could pursue passions, hobbies, & dreams with vigor & enthusiasm.  However, chronic illness or pain changes everything.  Suddenly, even the simplest tasks become arduous & draining.  The ability to work, socialize, or engage in physical activities may become limited or even impossible, which naturally leads to a profound sense of loss.

With this loss of normalcy comes a deep longing for the life that once was.  It is common to grieve over the things we can no longer do & the dreams we had to lose.  The future envisioned is now filled with uncertainty & limitations.  This loss can be especially challenging for individuals who had a strong sense of identity tied to their abilities & achievements.  They struggle the hardest with feelings of inadequacy, as the illness or pain creates a new version of themselves that they have to learn to adapt to.

The loss of normalcy extends beyond physical limitations.  It also impacts our emotional well being.  The constant presence of pain or the challenges of managing a chronic illness leads to feelings of frustration, sadness, & even depression.  The emotional toll of chronic illness or pain is often underestimated & misunderstood by those who have not experienced it themselves. 

Living with a chronic illness or pain is even more challenging when faced with the lack of understanding & empathy from others.  People who have not experienced chronic illness or pain firsthand often fail to comprehend the daily struggles & limitations.  Some question the authenticity of our condition, accusing us of faking or seeking attention.  These accusations are hurtful & invalidating, especially when they come from those close to us.

Furthermore, the impatience of others compounds the challenges we face.  It is common for those with chronic illnesses or pain to have limitations & require accommodations or adjustments.  However, this may frustrate those around us.  They may become impatient with our slower pace, our need for rest & breaks, or our inability to participate in certain activities.  This impatience makes us feel like a burden, further eroding our sense of self worth.

Amidst the losses & challenges of living with chronic illness or pain, finding hope & strength can be a difficult but necessary journey.  As a Christian, I have found solace in my relationship with God.  2 Corinthians 12:9 in the Amplified Bible says, “but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.”  This Scripture reminds me that even in my limitations, I am not alone & that God still can work through me.

While it is natural to grieve over the losses that chronic illness or pain brings, it is also important to remember that our identity is not solely defined by our abilities or achievements.  Our worth as individuals is rooted in our inherent value as children of God.  Through a relationship with God, we can find strength, hope, & purpose in our lives, even in the midst of our limitations.  God’s grace is sufficient for you, & His power is made perfect in your weakness.

“What Do You Do All Day?”

When I was nineteen, I strained my back at work one day.  Nothing terrible, just quite uncomfortable & I needed to rest it.  About two months later, I moved back in with my parents.  The forth evening, my mother & I got into a physical fight during which she threw me into a wall.  As a result, I had a lot of back pain.  Most people thought I was faking the pain to get out of work.  One doctor specifically asked me if I could work.  I said I couldn’t.  Yet, I later learned he wrote in my record that I said I had no problems working.  Another told me I couldn’t have back problems because I was “too young” for that.  Many people I knew also believed I was faking my injury.  They said more snide comments about me being lazy than I can remember, although mostly those comments came from my mother.

I learned a lot during the ten years I suffered with this pain.  One thing I learned was that when you are of working age but aren’t in school or in an office full time, people think you have nothing to do with your time.  If your time is consumed with trying to survive with chronic pain or raising a family, if you aren’t working at a job, you clearly have nothing to do.  Even those who work at home aren’t immune to this ridiculous mindset.  I not only work at home but have physical & mental disabilities.  I have spoken with many people who think I have tons of free time.  Since I’m home all day, I must have nothing to do according to them. 

Many of these people who assume that not working outside the home equals laziness are exceptionally rude about that foolish assumption & ask the question, “What do you do all day anyway?”

Coming from a background of narcissistic abuse, I believed I had no right to boundaries or privacy, so I had to explain anything people wanted to know about me. I also grew up with a mother who accused me of being lazy constantly. This means no matter who asked me that question or how rude they were about it, I would answer them. When asked what I did all day, I tried hard to make sure they knew I was productive at all times.  I learned quickly this was a big mistake.

A person who has the audacity to ask someone what they do with their personal time isn’t looking for information.  They are judging, period, & looking for things that validate their judgment.  If you say you spend a lot of time resting, they don’t view that as taking care of yourself.  That translates to lazy to people like this.  If you don’t hold down a full time job outside the home because you’re raising a child, there is no reason for you to stay home & you’re just lazy, according to them.  If you have more than one child, you’re not only lazy but irresponsible & have children just so you don’t have to work.  If you’re in a serious relationship & your significant other is the only breadwinner, your in-laws in particular can view your so called laziness as proof that you are using your significant other, & you aren’t good enough to be a part of their family. 

If you are in the position of staying home rather than working outside it for whatever reason, I just want you to know that you owe no one an explanation of “what you do all day.”  Your time is yours, not theirs so it’s not their business.  They aren’t paying your bills either, so again, it’s not their business.

Also if anyone thinks you’re lazy because you’re unable to work due to chronic illness or pain, God is NOT happy with them.  I know this because I’ve seen it first hand.  Six years after my mother threw me into that wall, she began developing back problems that turned into spinal arthritis, spinal stenosis, sciatica pain & bulging disks.  She could barely walk by the time she died twenty three years later.  Also, I didn’t even believe her pain was real until I found her X rays after she died.  She clearly used any health problems to get attention so identifying real from fake pain was impossible.  I refused to do much to help her because I honestly thought she was faking it.  Galatians 6:7 says whatever a person sows is what he reaps, & my mother’s case is proof of that.  I have heard many similar stories of people who judged & criticized people for not working who ended up with the same or even worse disabilities. 

If you are one of the so called lazy people like me who doesn’t work outside the home, please remember to take good care of yourself, including ignoring those who ask you what you do all day.  I know you’re not lazy.  God knows it.  What stupid, judgmental people think isn’t important!

Living With An Invisible Illness

Recently I was watching a show on television.  A lady was talking about a man she knows who has Parkinson’s disease.  He travels around the USA & talks to people about this horrible disease.  She said that he never lets Parkinson’s get him down.  In fact, he never talks about it unless he is talking about what happens during his speaking engagements.

This sounds pretty admirable on the surface, doesn’t it?  It sounds like this gentleman is doing the impossible by conquering a horrific disease.  He sounds brave, strong, determined, & able to handle anything.  Yet somehow this didn’t sit right with me.

If you have a serious health problem, such as this gentleman’s Parkinson’s disease, no matter how brave, strong & determined you are, you still have limitations.  It seems like to so many people admitting that there are limitations on someone with physical or mental health problems is a bad thing.  Think about it for a moment.  If a person doesn’t show obvious signs of an illness or disability, many people have no patience for them when their symptoms flare up or if they no longer can do things they used to do easily.  I’ve seen this myself with my own health problems.  When I nearly died from carbon monoxide poisoning in 2015, I passed out & hit my head bad enough to require 11 staples to close up the giant gash on my scalp.  That blow to the head plus the lack of oxygen thanks to the carbon monoxide caused quite a bit of brain damage.  No one saw my staples since they were hidden under my hair & I didn’t look any different after the poisoning.  Those closest to me believe that I have problems stemming from it, but those not as close to me rarely do.  In fact, a former friend of mine made fun of me for being so forgetful now, & at one point laughingly told me I was “old & senile.” 

Another problem with the limitations is admitting to them can be met with some pretty nasty replies.  Even those with good intentions can come across hurtful & yet still shaming when they say things like, “Stop letting it get you down!”  or, “You’re being too negative!”

Those of us who live with invisible illnesses have it pretty rough.  Not only do we have the illnesses & their miserable symptoms to live with, but we also face the insensitivity & even nastiness of other people.  It can be quite depressing & frustrating!  My hope is to encourage those of you in this situation some today.

Rather than listen to the nonsense other people say, try to ignore it as best you can.  They aren’t you.  They don’t know the pain & frustration you live with, so what right do they have to judge it? 

Just because you don’t “look sick” (whatever that is supposed to be) also doesn’t mean that you aren’t sick, either.  People who say that clearly don’t know how illnesses work.  Not everyone with an illness looks like they have an illness.  Some people have back problems & walk with a cane while others don’t.  Some people with cancer lose a great deal of weight, others don’t.  Many people with diabetes look perfectly healthy, & some have lost limbs due to the horrid disease. You can’t always judge a person’s state of health by their appearance, but many folks do & are quite cruel about it.

Think about your situation logically for a moment.  Chances are excellent that you try your best & maybe even overdo it on your good days.  You’re trying & that is wonderful!  You aren’t letting your illness hold you back because you are doing your best.  Even though your best now isn’t as it was prior to the illness, you’re still doing your best & that counts!

Admitting you have limitations isn’t being too negative, either.  It’s accepting the reality of your situation.  How is that a bad, negative thing?  Being realistic is simply wise!  It helps you to find the best ways to deal with your situation, which clearly is a very good thing.

Try not to let the ignorant opinions of other people get you down.  You know you’re trying your best & that you truly have an illness.  Sometimes that really can be enough.

Depression In Teenagers

The teen years aren’t easy for most people.  So much is changing physically & emotionally that it can be difficult to process, especially for teens since their brains aren’t fully developed yet.  The part of the brain that is responsible for rational thought, the frontal cortex, won’t be mature for a few more years.  They also lack emotional regulation skills.  Considering such things, it’s no wonder some teens can face depression.  Today I want to make you aware of some signs of depression in teenagers.

Crying is probably the first sign of depression that comes to mind in many people.  It isn’t always the case though.  Crying can be a very helpful way to release pent up emotions.  It also can be a sign of anger & frustration.  Frequent crying may be a cry for help, but not always with feelings of being depressed.  Talking about their feelings can be very helpful.  If they prefer not to, journaling can be just as helpful.  Encourage the teen in your life to write about their feelings & look over past entries often.  Doing so can give them insight into what is happening.

Crying also can be a good thing in that it can give a person insight into why they are crying.  If the teen you love is crying, gently encourage him or her to talk about it.  It could be a temporary thing such as their crush not returning their feelings, failing a test, losing a game or even just everyday stress that he or she hasn’t learned to cope with yet.  Once you learn the cause of the tears, then gently dig a bit deeper.  Did their crush not returning their feelings make them feel unlovable?  Did failing the test or losing the game make them feel like a failure?  Is stress overwhelming them?  Getting to the root cause can help them learn to cope with such feelings & gain a healthy perspective on the situation.    

Sudden outbursts of anger also can be a sign of depression.  Depression isn’t always about feeling sad.  Sometimes it is about repressed anger that was never given a healthy outlet.  This means that some depressed people may have angry outbursts.

Anxiety can manifest as tears, which means it can look like depression.  Anxiety is so stressful & exhausting, that it can be overwhelming sometimes.  Tears can be one way to cope with such feelings, especially if a person is unaware of what is happening or how to cope.

Grief also naturally can trigger depressive episodes in anyone, but can be particularly difficult for teenagers since they lack the knowledge & experience to cope with such challenging emotions.  Grief can be triggered by many things, too, not only losing a loved one.  It can be caused by a breakup with either a romantic partner or a close friendship, parents divorce, an older sibling moving out & countless other types of loss.  While grief lessens over time, there are times when it never entirely goes away. 

Experiencing trauma also can be at the root of depression.  A teen who has been abused, seen someone they love hurt or abused, been the victim of bullying, been in a car accident or a plethora of other traumatic things may be understandably depressed.

Physical problems can cause depression, because of living with pain or being embarrassed for being different.   Mental disorders can cause depression as well & many manifest in a person’s teen years.  Bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, attention deficit disorders & more all are known to begin in a person’s adolescence.  

It is important to learn what you can about what is on a teen’s mind when they are struggling with depression.  The more you learn, the more you can help them. Pray, asking God to show you how you can help & to give you the right things to say.  Always be gentle & non judgmental.  Make sure he or she knows you are safe to talk to about anything, & only want to help.  If you too have struggled with depression, be open about it.  However, avoid saying things like, “I know just how you feel.  I felt that way when something happened in my life” when they are trying to tell you something. Instead, just listen to what they have to say & answer their questions.

Depression in teens is a common problem.  Teens need all the love, support & understanding they can get at this time, as well as teaching on ways to cope.  You never know- offering such things may prevent the teen you know from thinking suicide is their only way out of the dark pit of depression.

Being Strong

Being strong has some very dysfunctional connotations that are often admired.  Showing no emotion, not defending yourself to someone abusive & moving on quickly after losing a loved ones are some good examples I can think of that many people think are being strong but are actually very dysfunctional.  Today I thought I’d share things that are real signs of strength & are very healthy as well.

Being vulnerable enough to show & honor your emotions is truly strong.  It is incredibly hard to show vulnerabilities in a world where people can be so judgmental, critical, minimizing & invalidating.  Displaying & also honoring your emotions without apology in spite of the judgment & potential cruelty of other people takes a great deal of strength.

Refusing to tolerate things & people that cause you pain & suffering is another sign of real strength.  Doing so can cause you to lose people in your life that you thought loved & supported you, so doing it in spite of knowing that it may mean people you love will abandon you takes a lot of strength.  I’m specifically thinking of those of us who have ended relationships with our abusive parents with this one.  No matter how they may treat you, many people put all parents on a pedestal, thinking they are all wonderful & loving.  These people clearly think that means you never abandon them because they are your wonderful parents, so if you do, they will have plenty of cruel things to say to you.  Doing what you need to in order to protect yourself takes a lot of strength.

Standing up for what is right takes a great deal of strength.  Doing this means you most likely will face a lot of opposition & judgment.  Doing what is right in the face of that isn’t easy or for the faint of heart, in particular when it is something that can attract a lot of attention. 

Refusing to compromise your morals also takes a lot of strength, especially when doing so could benefit you somehow.  Society as a whole seems to think having good morals are outdated & foolish.  People should just do whatever they want without thoughts to consequences.  Not living that way takes dedication & strength.

Going against what is considered normal takes a lot of strength.  People rarely admire people that are considered abnormal in any way.  Those with a strong faith in God are mocked for being so religious.  People with children claim childless people are selfish.  People who work in the arts are told they don’t have a real job by those who work traditional 9-5 type jobs.  The list goes on & on.  Going against the norm sets you up for lots of criticism from people who lack the courage & strength to do it themselves, so it takes a lot of strength to do what works for you when it goes against the norm.

Facing the ugly truth rather than living in denial by believing comfortable lies also is a sign of great strength.  Honestly, truth isn’t always easy.  Sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier just to deny & ignore painful truth.  Taking the right path by facing truth instead of ignoring it takes a lot of strength & courage.

Being real & genuine instead of fake takes a lot of strength. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to pretend to be whatever other people want you to be since you wouldn’t face the judgment & criticism of other people. But that is no way to live. The world is full of fake & desperately needs some authenticity. Authentic people are what makes the world a better place, not the fake ones. It takes strength to be real in a fake world.

Asking for help absolutely takes a lot of strength.  It is a very humbling experience to ask someone for help of any type, whether it is a physical need, financial or even emotional.  Asking for help knowing you may be rejected takes strength.

If you think about your life & you have done these things, then you are strong!  Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.  Be proud of yourself for your strength!

Music Can Be Healing

My life has not had a lot of positive constants to say the least.  This is typical for any victim of narcissistic abuse.  One of the few positive constant things has been music, & I thought it would be a good idea to discuss that today.

Growing up with narcissistic parents, I learned early on that my job was to take care of & please them no matter any personal cost.  I also learned that any needs, wants, feelings, thoughts I had were unimportant.  While experiencing this, books became a wonderful escape for me.  When reading, I could be transported somewhere that this sort of abuse wasn’t happening.  Eventually though I had to put the book down & rejoin reality.  Thankfully, I discovered music when I was in the sixth grade.

Music didn’t offer quite the same escape as books did, but possibly it was even more helpful & powerful.  Reading, as wonderful as it can be, forces you to focus on it a lot so you don’t miss the details or lose your place.   Music is different. You can listen to music while you do pretty much anything, & still reap its benefits.  It also was the one thing that my narcissistic mother couldn’t ruin or take away from me, although she certainly tried to.  I simply listened to other artists or genres until I found something that spoke to me. 

As I got older, I clung to music, & still do.  I have certain genres & artists whose music is especially powerful & even healing to me.  My hope in sharing this with you is that you will discover the same for yourself.

Everyone’s taste in music is different, so please understand that whatever music helps you, that is ok!  There is no right or wrong.  What I am sharing today is just some information for you to consider when choosing your own music preferences.

As a new Christian in my mid 20’s, I thought the only acceptable music for Christians was gospel or worship music.  For some reason, these aren’t my favorite genres.  However, “Testify To Love” by Wynonna Judd & Bob Carlisle’s “Shades Of Grace” album never fail to touch my heart, & make me feel closer to God than usual.

As time went on, I got back into music I had loved prior to becoming a Christian.  Being a teenager in the 1980’s, I have a fondness for 80’s music.  Back then, I listened to anything from pop to heavy metal.  Even now, I still listen to it often.  This music takes me back to a time when although my life was very difficult, I still had one thing that was all mine, & it was something no one could ruin for me.  It feels good to remember that feeling.

I also like some country music.  My father was a big fan of outlaw country, like Waylon Jennings & Johnny Cash, & I remember him playing it when I was a little girl riding in his car.  That was fun, & now that car is mine.  Listening to it in that car reminds me of some good memories I have.  As an adult, I also discovered some country artists I love whose music reminds me to be proud of my roots, as my granddad instilled in me.  Loving the sound of their music is just a bonus.

There are other certain songs of random genres that I adore which also remind me of my roots.  Celtic & Native American Indian music often speak to me on a deep level, thanks to my Irish & Native American Indian heritage.  They make me feel a connection to ancestors I wasn’t fortunate enough to meet, & considering how interesting many of them were, this is a very good thing.  I also periodically enjoy some opera, classical, & instrumental nature music.  A song I enjoy from such genres isn’t common for me, but it always will create a sensation of peace & serenity. 

Lastly, I am a huge fan of a lot of heavy metal music.  I know, this is hardly everyone’s preferred genre, but it still inspires me.  It empowers me too.  There is so much passion that goes into songs of this genre & it seems to pass along to me when I listen to it.  I can’t not enjoy that especially considering how much time in my life has been spent feeling powerless.

I realize my taste in music could best be described as “don’t judge me”, & isn’t for everyone.  I hope in spite of that, you will consider what I have said & find what music has a powerful affect on you as my choices do on me.

Identifying Your Feelings For Better Mental Health

Have you ever heard of the emotions wheel?  If not, it is pretty much as it’s described- a wheel labeled with emotions.  The emotions wheel was developed to help people to articulate their feelings clearly, & this wheel helps people to do just that.  It looks much like an old spoked wheel. The center of the wheel has basic feelings labeled such as anger, afraid & happy.  Going towards the outer edge are some more specific feelings that relate to each emotion & the last round at the edge has even more specific feelings.  For example, the center may say “anger”, the next round above it will say things like “hostile, hateful, hurt, angry” then the next round above that could say “jealous, irritated, frustrated, critical”.  There are variations on this wheel, but all share the same basic format.

Emotions wheels are a very useful tool, I believe.  Sometimes it can be hard to put feelings into words.  If you already struggle with words maybe due to aphasia from a brain injury or simply aren’t good with words, emotions wheels can be very helpful in finding a way to describe your emotions.

Or, maybe you are someone who isn’t really in touch with their emotions.  You know you feel things but are unsure of what those emotions are.  That can happen after narcissistic abuse because of the gaslighting.  When you’re told over & over that what you feel is wrong or you don’t feel that way but this way instead, it can be hard to recognize your emotions.  My mother always criticized my “Bailey temper”, making me sound like I had a serious anger problem.  Eventually I learned that my supposed terrible temper was sometimes just frustration, not anger.  In the midst of the situation though, I had no idea of that.  I thought I was an angry person.

There are also times it can be very hard to pinpoint exactly why you feel the way you do about something.  For example, I sometimes feel extremely angry when people get mad at me for something that isn’t my fault.  The sillier the issue, the more angry I’m likely to get.  Like, if I was outside without my phone & missed an unexpected call, & the caller was mad I didn’t answer, that would infuriate me.  Thanks to the emotions wheel, I have learned feeling shame & humiliation are at the root of it.  Those feelings are there because growing up, I felt such intense pressure to do everything right, & when I didn’t, I was harshly criticized.  Recognizing that has helped me to deal with my old wounds so I don’t immediately get angry if that type of situation arises.    

Whether you are in therapy or not, no matter how far along on your healing journey you are, or even if you haven’t been abused, I highly recommend getting an emotions wheel.  You can search for them online- there are many free variations out there.  When you’re struggling with your emotions, look at the wheel & figure out what you’re feeling.  You may be surprised what you learn.

Make sure you don’t forget to pray, too.  Let God show you whatever it is you need to learn.  He will show you things that help you tremendously.  The wheel will help you but not nearly as much as God will!

Looking At Trauma As A Gift

So many people push themselves & others to look at everything as if it is a gift, & this includes traumatic experiences.  While there are many wonderful things that can be looked at as blessings, trauma clearly doesn’t fit into that category, & there is nothing wrong with that.  Trauma is one of those things that is most certainly NOT a gift, no matter what may come from it.

When you have survived trauma, there is good that can come from it.  You become extremely compassionate to others who have suffered, even when their trauma is different than yours, because you know what it is like to suffer.  You may help raise awareness or even change laws to prevent others from suffering as you have.  Although these are absolutely wonderful things & you can be grateful for those things, they are born out of something that is far from wonderful.  And you know something?  It’s ok to admit that although good came from the trauma, & the trauma was anything but a gift.

By looking at trauma as a gift because of the good that came from it, it negates the trauma & pain of what happened.  All trauma needs to be acknowledged for what it is, not glossed over because something good happened as a direct result of that trauma.  Glossing over it minimizes the trauma, and it also invalidates those who have suffered traumatic experiences by basically saying, “Something good came from it so you can’t be traumatized!”  That is absolutely unhealthy! 

Looking at trauma as a gift is also incredibly shaming, in particular for those who are new to realizing how badly they were abused.  Most people in that place are struggling to accept that things weren’t as they thought.  They were told they were the problem or their actions made their abuser hurt them.  Losing that mindset & replacing it with the truth is very difficult at first because abusers work so hard to instill that mindset in their victims.  Adding in comments from people who try to convince them the abuse was actually a gift is very cruel, & can erase progress they made in accepting that their abuser was the real problem.

Rather than looking at trauma as a gift, it is much healthier to recognize that yes, it was horrible, but it is not a wasted experience & God still can bring good from it.  In the Amplified Translation of the Bible, Genesis 50:20 says, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present outcome, that many people would be kept alive [as they are this day].”  Joseph said this after experiencing his brothers selling him into slavery and spending time in prison!  And later in Romans 8:28 says, “And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.”  Keep in mind, this epistle was written by the apostle Paul, who experienced some pretty terrible things in his life such as being imprisoned for preaching the Gospel.

Notice that neither Scripture involves denial of bad things or even sugarcoating them in the slightest.  Instead, they acknowledge God & His actions, encouraging the reader to see that He can bring good from even the worst of situations. 

I can tell you from my own experience how helpful that is!  Knowing that God could bring some good from my suffering has helped me to come to terms with the trauma I have experienced.  No, I’m not happy such painful things have happened, but I can handle it because I know that at least they had some purpose.  If they had none, I wouldn’t be able to cope with the pain knowing it was for nothing.

Rather than trying to look at your painful, traumatic experiences in a light that is too positive such as claiming they were a gift, instead, I want to encourage you to have a more balanced view of them.  Acknowledge they were terrible & painful, but at the same time, acknowledge that God can bring some good from them, no matter how terrible they were. Looking at trauma in this balanced way is so much better for your mental health than trying to be overly positive.

Why Narcissists Are Quick To Judge Their Victims’ Mental Health

A very common tactic of narcissists is to make their victim look mentally or emotionally damaged somehow.  Doing this works out very well for narcissists, & equally badly for their victims.

If a narcissist can make the victim believe that they are damaged, the victim naturally will look elsewhere for information like what they should feel in situations, what they should do, & even just how to live.  Naturally they look to the person closest to them, which usually is the narcissist.  A victim who believes they are inferior to the narcissist will trust that narcissist to help them navigate life, & become a very well controlled victim. 

A victim who has been humiliated in this manner & doesn’t understand what is happening also will be anxious to do anything to prove this isn’t true, which also gives the narcissist control over him or her.  Since the narcissist is the one who started this lie, the victim may think they can get the narcissist to change his or her mind.  The victim may try to get the narcissist to see they aren’t crazy or whatever the narcissist claims they are by behaving however the narcissist wants them to behave as an attempt to regain their favor.  I felt this way growing up when my mother told me that I “needed help” as she often did.  I failed to realize at the time if she was so convinced I was mentally ill, she should have taken me to a doctor.

Convincing victims that they are seriously flawed damages their self-esteem at best, & destroys it at worst.  Either way works for the narcissist, because he or she will feel superior to their horribly flawed victim.  Feeling superior adds to the illusion that the narcissist is a wonderful person, which is tremendous narcissistic supply.

If a narcissist can get other people to see the victim as clearly inferior, those people won’t believe the victim if the victim speaks up about the narcissist’s abusive behavior.  They will chalk these stories up to the victim being unstable, over sensitive, neurotic, crazy or whatever the narcissist has said the victim is.  This means people won’t help the victim escape the narcissist.  In fact, they may even encourage that victim to change their behavior & listen to the narcissist, & maintain the relationship.  Victims in this situation are left without support, & may resign to maintaining this abusive relationship.

If a victim does escape the narcissist, their reputation that the narcissist created will do them plenty of harm.  People who believe the narcissist’s lies will flock to the narcissist’s side to offer comfort & support, while (often very cruelly) rejecting the victim.  They assume the victim really is as bad as the narcissist has said because he or she left the narcissist.  Victims in this situation are often left with little or even no support at the time they need it most.

There is another reason narcissists behave this way.  Doing so convinces them that their victim is the problem, not them or their abusive ways.  Claiming the victim is mentally or emotionally unbalanced makes that victim the narcissist’s scapegoat.  Having a scapegoat opens the door for narcissists to blame the scapegoat for anything & everything they want.  This means they can justify their abusive ways in their mind.  Narcissists with scapegoats can function without worry that there is anything wrong with them, because they have convinced themselves that the scapegoats are to blame for every single problem they have. 

If you are faced with a narcissist claiming that you are deeply flawed mentally or emotionally, remember, this isn’t about your mental health.  This is about the narcissist having an ulterior motive, & that motive is going to hurt you!  Protect yourself & don’t believe the lies!  Remember, narcissists attack what they feel threatened by.  They tell beautiful people they’re ugly, they tell smart people they’re stupid, & they tell sane people they’re crazy. 

“You Should Just Leave”

Being in a relationship with an abusive person is incredibly hard.  The routine changes daily, so what was good yesterday is suddenly bad today.  There is also constant belittling, invalidating, crazy-making, & so much more.  Seeing someone suffering like this, many people’s first thought is, “you should just leave.”  When someone doesn’t “just leave” in a timely manner or doesn’t want to leave at all, people often become disgusted with this person.  They either lose patience with the person & end the relationship or they think this is a sign the abuse isn’t so bad.  They may even doubt the person really is being abused at all, since they won’t leave. 

What these people fail to realize is that there are many very valid reasons a person stays in an abusive relationship for too long.  Today we are going to discuss some of them.

Victims are often terrified of their abusers & for good reasons.  Their abuser may be physically violent, or has threatened violence.  Or, he or she may not have threatened violence specifically, but instead has done things like punch walls, break things or hurt the victim’s pets.  Such behaviors show that this person is capable of violence, & no threats need to be spoken to instill fear in someone witnessing these behaviors.

Abusers annihilate their victims’ self esteem, which convinces them they need their abuser.  A person with no self esteem doesn’t believe in themselves in any capacity, which means they don’t know that they don’t need to depend on another person.  In fact, the thought of living without their abuser telling them what to do, think & feel often instills blind panic in a victim.

Abusers convince their victims that can change, & this won’t happen again.  Everyone has heard a story of a woman whose husband beats her, she leaves, he promises it’ll never happen again & she goes back to him over & over.  This is a common scenario.  Abusers panic when their victims leave.  They shower their victims with love & affection, & they make all kinds of promises to lure their victims back, including the promise to treat them better.  Abusers can appear very believable at this point, which is partly why their victims give them another chance.

Victims rarely have any real support to help them leave.  Abusers isolate their victims from friends & family so they can abuse their victims without interference.  Victims are often completely alone by the time they are ready to leave.  Leaving is hard enough with support, but without?  It’s so much harder.

Victims also rarely have any money.  Abusers take their victims’ paychecks or make sure they can’t work so they are financially dependent on the abuser.  It takes money to move out so without it, they are stuck.

Victims stay to protect their children.  Many victims will tolerate the abuse as a way to protect their children.  Their abuser won’t hurt the children as long as he has the victim to hurt.  Or, maybe the abuser said if the victim leaves, he or she will hurt or kill the children.  Staying seems like the safer alternative.

Victims are shamed & chastised by so called “religious” people.  So many people twist Scripture around to make the victim look like the problem for ending an abusive marriage.  These people also refuse to acknowledge the seriousness of abuse, help the victim in any way & abandon the victim in their time of need.

The law isn’t always on the side of victims, & is no help.  If you have proof of physical abuse, your chances of help are pretty good.  However, not all abusers abuse physically.  Other types of abuse are either legal or hard to prove.  Emotional, sexual, financial & spiritual abuse all fall into those categories.

As you can see, leaving an abusive person isn’t easy.  If you ever think of saying, “You should just leave” to someone in an abusive relationship, I hope you will consider these reasons why it’s not so easy to “just leave.”  Or, if you are the one in an abusive relationship & someone tells you that you should just leave, I hope you will fill them in on why that is not possible at the moment.

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My ebooks are available at the link below…

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Finding Healing From Narcissistic Abuse With Other Survivors

My Facebook group is full of some really wonderful people.  Godly, kind, caring, & very intelligent.  I’ve made some great friends through this group.  One of which & I were talking not long ago about where we have found the most help in understanding narcissists.  She told me that I can quote her, so this is what she said.  She has been to 14 counselors including psychologists, a psychiatrist, pastors, church counselors & an EDMR specialist but none of them gave her the kind of help that I have.  Me, with no formal education in the mental health field, no LCSW or PHD or anything behind my name!

I’m not saying this to brag.  I’m saying this because what my friend said next made a very good point.  She said I have helped her more than those counselors because I’ve been through so much with narcissists.  I have no formal training, but I have plenty of experience, & sometimes that is just what you need to help you in certain situations.  Narcissistic abuse recovery is one of those situations. 

While I mean no disrespect to mental health professionals, they usually don’t know much about Narcissistic Personality Disorder or any of the Cluster B disorders.  I have two counselor friends who told me something very interesting.  They don’t know each other, so naturally they never have spoken.  They are about 15-20 years apart in age & studied at different colleges in different parts of the country.  Yet, both said the exact same thing, that they had only one afternoon’s study about all of the Cluster B personality disorders.  That’s it for FOUR very complex personality disorders!  If both of the counselors I have spoken to have the exact same experience in this area of their education, I would guess it’s common if not the norm. 

Don’t take this as seeing a professional to heal from narcissistic abuse is a waste of time.  It isn’t, so long as you choose the right counselor.  You can’t pick just any counselor to help you with abuse recovery.  You will need to find a counselor that specializes in abuse recovery or trauma focused therapy. 

If you can’t find a counselor with these specialties or can’t or would prefer not to see a counselor, the good thing is healing is still possible!  The friend who inspired me to discuss this topic has made leaps & bounds in her healing journey because she found knowledge & help from others who also have been through a lot at the hands of narcissists.  Their knowledge & experiences have helped her tremendously, & their understanding & compassion validated her, which has enabled her to help other victims as she was helped.  She likened it to a relationship between a recovering alcoholic & an active alcoholic.  No one can understand the struggles of the active one like someone who has been in the same situation.  Would you expect a person who has never drank so much as one beer to understand the struggles of someone who can’t go a day without drinking a fifth of whiskey?  Absolutely not!  So why would narcissistic abuse recovery be any different?

If you are looking for help in your healing journey, & won’t see a counselor for whatever reason, you can heal!  I haven’t seen a counselor in many years either due to my lack of trust after seeing some less than caring ones.  Like my friend though, have learned a great deal from others who have experiences similar to mine as well as studying narcissism.  Consider looking for help elsewhere as she & I have.  Connecting with people who share similar experiences is invaluable!  Many online forums are available.  As I mentioned, I have a wonderful group on Facebook, but there are many others too on Facebook or other websites.  A quick internet search will point you to many of these forums. 

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My publisher is offering a sale- 20% off all of my print books! Simply use code SNEAKPEEK20 at checkout. This code is valid until November 4, 2022.

My print books can be found at the following link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

When Your Family Refuses To See You As Anything But A Dysfunctional Child

When you grew up in a dysfunctional family, one of the most frustrating parts of it is that your family never sees you as a mature, independent adult.  If you have done your best to escape the dysfunction & live in a healthier way &/or have decided to live your life for Jesus, this is especially common & frustrating.  The dysfunctional family never will see you as a healthy, God fearing adult.  Instead they only see you as the dysfunctional child you once were.

This is so incredibly frustrating!  Even when you know that they’re content remaining in their dysfunction, it seems like they could at least acknowledge that you have changed.  Even if they disagree with your changes, that doesn’t seem like to much to ask, yet sadly it really is for the most dysfunctional of people. 

People who are content living their dysfunctional lives hate those who are a threat to it in any way.  Anyone who doesn’t condone or enable the dysfunction obviously is a problem.  Anyone who is a part of this toxic family & doesn’t condone or enable the dysfunction is especially problematic for such people.

A member of such a family who dares to live their life in such a way as to be different from the family or the family’s expectations for them is absolutely a problem for these people.  That behavior is seen as being rebellious or even betraying the family.  It’s as if they think, how dare someone be so arrogant & think that they’re so much better than the family as to live life on their own terms rather than fit onto the mold the family has made for them!

Even Jesus faced this problem.  His own family didn’t take Him or His work seriously.  Imagine that.  The family of Jesus didn’t take Him seriously!  Isn’t that amazing?!  In Matthew 13:57-58 in the Amplified Bible, Jesus says, “And they took offense at Him [refusing to believe in Him]. But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and in his own household.” ⁵⁸And He did not do many miracles there [in Nazareth] because of their unbelief.”

If you’re from a dysfunctional family & they treat you as they always have in spite of you growing up, getting healthier & even turning to God, then you are truly not alone!  Even Jesus experienced this.

I know it hurts when your own family treats you so poorly.  It can seem like the best choice would be to return to your old, dysfunctional ways so they stop mistreating you, but I promise you, that isn’t best!  I have been in this position since my family never saw me as anyone but the dysfunctional, blindly obedient & foolish child I once was.  Returning to those behaviors may have made them tolerate me, but I would have been miserable!  What is best is to keep walking the path that you know God has for you.

It also helps to remember that when people treat you in such a manner, it isn’t personal.  It literally has nothing to do with you, even though it certainly feels personal.  It has everything to do with the person behaving this way, their toxicity & their desire to avoid becoming healthier at all costs.  They are so truly toxic that they have zero problem with hurting another person if that will protect their dysfunctional ways & help them to avoid facing what made them this way.  That is pretty terrible!  There is no shame in being dysfunctional of course, so long as you are willing to work on it & improve yourself!  Being determined to live that way forever, no matter how much pain it causes other people, however, is absolutely toxic.

If at all possible, your best bet it to avoid such people.  If that isn’t possible, then do your best to minimize contact with them, stay true to yourself & your beliefs, & never forget to ask God to help you find creative & effective ways of dealing with such people.

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Habits Of People With Anxiety

Living with anxiety is so incredibly difficult for many reasons.  Following are some of those reasons that most of us don’t usually think about.

Feeling relaxed makes anxiety worse.  When you are accustomed to living in a state of hyper-vigilance, feeling relaxed is very abnormal.  It can make you feel so abnormal that you immediately return to your anxious state.  If at all possible when this happens, remind yourself that there is no reason to be anxious at this time.  Take a few deep breaths & focus on how they make your body feel.  This calms the mind & body.  If you can, enjoy feeling relaxed as much as you possibly can.

External validation is of the utmost importance.  Everyone needs validation.  That’s simply how God made people.  Anxious people crave it like oxygen, because we don’t trust our decisions & have such an incredible amount of self doubt.  However people, being imperfect beings, will fail to give you all of the validation that you need.  Learning to validate yourself is so important!  Doing so requires a great deal of leaning on God & questioning yourself to decide if your beliefs are truly yours or those of some dysfunctional, abusive person. 

You are an expert at hiding your anxiety.  People with anxiety know how awkward & uncomfortable we can make other people feel.  Rather than do that, we learn to hide our anxiety to the best of our ability.  Some of us become so skilled at this, others have no idea we live with anxiety.  This isn’t always a bad thing, since some situations are made worse when someone recognizes another’s anxiety.  There are also times when it will behoove you to let someone safe know that you are struggling & ask them for help.

Along those same lines, we also hide our emotions.  Hiding emotions seems to be a natural side bar of hiding anxiety.  People may think we are naturally happy or even confident.  They see what we portray ourselves as, not the bundle of negative emotions that we truly are inside.  Similar to hiding anxiety, this can be beneficial in some situations but there also is nothing wrong with showing them to safe people & asking for help if needed.

Overthinking is normal to people with anxiety.  Overthinking can be beneficial.  When you’re packing for a trip, it helps to pack if you consider every possible scenario in that trip.  You’ll think of bringing things with you that you might not have considered otherwise.  But, overthinking in day to day life?  Not always so beneficial.  It only adds to anxiety that is already there.  When it happens, if at all possible, it’s best to take a little time to yourself.  Breathe slowly & deeply in & out a few times.  This slows down the mind & heart rate, which allows you to think more logically about the situation.  Often, it shows you that what you’re overthinking doesn’t require nearly so much thought.  Or it helps you to get a grasp on the fact that something is completely beyond your control, so there is no point in worrying about it.

Lastly, some folks with anxiety depend on certain inanimate objects to feel comforted & safe.  Remember as a child how you felt safest when you had that special teddy bear, blanket or baby doll?  That happen in adulthood now too, except now, it’s ear buds, cell phone, purse, wallet or something else.  I don’t know why this is exactly, because logically you know they won’t protect you.  Yet somehow, leaving home without this security item can lead to downright panic.  I barely even use my cell phone but if I leave home without it, I feel absolutely lost. 

If you exhibit any of these behaviors, know you’re not alone & you’re not crazy!  You simply are showing signs of having anxiety.  Work on them as you feel able to & pray for God’s help in healing.  They can improve in time!  I promise!

What Complements Are Like For Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse

I have yet to talk to one victim of narcissistic abuse who doesn’t struggle with receiving complements on some level.  I certainly am one of them.  You may be able to relate to my story.

Growing up, my overtly narcissistic mother was very critical of me.  She said it was for my own good but it really didn’t feel that way.  My self esteem was about non existent. 

Just before I turned 17, I met my ex husband.  At first, he showered me with constant praise.  Eventually that stopped, & he became very critical.  Of course, he denied that because he didn’t say words like, “stupid” or “fat.”  He implied them by saying things like, “I’m surprised you don’t know that” or, “well, you certainly aren’t small…”  By the time that marriage ended, I had no self esteem.

For most of my life, if people complemented me, I would tell them why they were wrong.  Eventually I realized this made people uncomfortable, so I started to smile & say thank you.  I was still cringing inside, & thinking of how wrong they were, but at least they didn’t realize that.  I was more or less satisfied with this arrangement for a long time. 

Eventually though, I decided it was time to consider complements rather than blindly shoot them down.  I realized that people don’t usually say things with an ulterior motive or to hear themselves talk.  When they pay complements, they sincerely believe what they say.  I still struggle with trying to believe them, but knowing this helps.

Then I read about shame & suddenly things made sense!

When a person is subjected to narcissistic abuse, they develop a deep root of shame thanks to the gaslighting.  Being told how terrible, ugly, stupid, flawed, mentally unstable & more they are over & over does this.  So when someone complements this type of person, one of two things may happen..

Cognitive dissonance can happen.  That is the term for the very uncomfortable feeling of receiving new information that clashes with one’s core beliefs.  Being told you are something good after believing that you are nothing but bad creates a very painful cognitive dissonance.  The automatic reaction to cognitive dissonance is often to reject the new information immediately.  That isn’t always wise though.  That new information should be questioned!

Another possibility is the complement triggers shame, because the person feels they have somehow duped this poor person.  They feel shame because they believe they were being deceitful.

If you experience these feelings when someone gives you a complement, I would like to encourage you to challenge this.  I can’t promise you’ll become completely comfortable with complements, but at the very least, you will learn to feel better about them.

Remember what I said – most people don’t have any ulterior motive for paying someone a complement.  They’re simply being nice & sincere. 

Consider the complement.  I would bet the same thing someone praises you for is something the narcissist was quick to criticize about you.  Narcissists are quick to tear down anything good they see in their victims, so that alone should prove that it’s true. 

And never forget to pray.  God will be more than happy to help you to heal in every area!  Let Him do just that!

The Real Truth About Denial

Today’s post admittedly sounds different than my usual posts. I hope you’ll continue reading anyway, because I believe the message is important.

I woke up recently from a nightmare, as I often do.  In it, I was driving a young girl somewhere while she used my phone to call one of my relatives.  As a funny aside, I know in the dream I blocked my number from showing up on the relative’s phone when she called.. just as I would do in real life.  Anyway the phone was on speaker, so I could hear the conversation.  It sounded innocent enough.  I was fairly guarded anyway, because although I haven’t had any negative interactions with this relative, I also haven’t had any positive ones either.  I wasn’t sure if this person was safe or unsafe.  This relative asked to speak to me, & the girl looked at me before answering.  I quietly said, “maybe tomorrow” & she said that to the other person.   Suddenly this person’s demeanor went from normal to viciously trashing me.  She said I was selfish to the core, a spoiled brat & many more awful things that my family has said to & about me.  I grabbed the phone to hang up as I drove & that is the point I woke up. 

It triggered a nasty emotional flashback as I woke up.  It emotionally took me right back to the time when my father was dying, when my family attacked me constantly & daily for his final almost three weeks because I didn’t say goodbye to him.  When I was able to physically calm down a bit, I began to pray, as I often do when I have nightmares.  This turned out to be very interesting.   God not only comforted me as usual, but He also told me some things.

God reminded me of that awful time when my family was attacking me, & how He told me then that they did so partly out of denial.  They wanted to believe my father was a great guy, our family was great & I was the problem.  Me not saying goodbye threatened their denial, which is mostly why they were so cruel to me at that time.

He also told me about facing truth opposed to living in denial.  He said denial isn’t simply a poor coping skill.  It comes straight from the devil himself.  Denial is about lying to yourself rather than facing the truth.  Since the enemy hates truth, of course something coming from him would embrace lies & reject truth.  John 8:44 in the Living Bible says, “For you are the children of your father the devil and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning and a hater of truth—there is not an iota of truth in him. When he lies, it is perfectly normal; for he is the father of liars..” 

People who are deeply entrenched in denial hate anyone who is a threat to it, & will do anything to protect it.  The reason being, God said, is that they become “entwined” with the enemy.  I found that choice of words interesting, so I looked it up to be sure of exactly what it meant.  According to Cambridge dictionary’s website, the definition of entwined is “closely connected or unable to be separated.” 

A person gets into this entwined state so subtly, they fail to recognize it.  It starts out as learning something painful.  Anyone’s natural reaction to pain, physical or emotional, is to pull away from it.  The devil uses this reaction to his advantage.  He convinces people just don’t think about the pain & it won’t hurt anymore.  Simple, subtle & very effective.  This happens repeatedly with other painful things, & the more it happens, the more entwined someone becomes with the enemy.

When a person is deeply entwined with the enemy, they can’t see their bad behavior as bad.  They are so entangled with him that they will not see truth.  They almost never see how their denial hurts other people.  On the rare occasion that they do see it, they are so deceived that they see any person who tries telling the truth as a real problem.  That means they think hurting anyone who tells the truth is acceptable & sometimes even a good thing to do.  With my situation that I mentioned earlier, God showed me at that time that my family truly thought they were doing the right & even Godly thing by trying to harass, bully & shame me into saying goodbye to my father.

Being involved this way with the enemy doesn’t mean they aren’t entwined with him in other areas as well.  Since he found one access point into a person’s life, he certainly can find others just as easily.

I know that all of this may sound hard to believe.  I get that.  However, I firmly believe this to be accurate since it can be backed up by Scripture.  Consider Ephesians 6:12 also from the Living Bible.  It says, “For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against persons without bodies—the evil rulers of the unseen world, those mighty satanic beings and great evil princes of darkness who rule this world; and against huge numbers of wicked spirits in the spirit world.”  Nowhere in the Bible does it say that the devil & his minions stopped attacking people.  Quite the opposite in fact.  Psalm 55:3, Psalm 38:20, Psalm 64:1, Psalm 69:4, Ephesians 6:11 & 2 Timothy 4:18 are just a few examples.

Please seriously consider what I have said here today.  Pray about it for yourself, & ask God to show you the truth if you have doubts.

Doing Something New

As I mentioned some time back, I decided to abandon making YouTube videos in favor of podcasts since they are much easier for me to make. And thankfully, they have been well received!

Because they have been doing well, I decided to expand where they can be accessed. My podcasts now be found on many platforms. Those links are below. I hope you will check them out!

So far, I’m still figuring this all out as I go. Not entirely sure what I’m doing at the moment, so please just bear with me! Plus, writing is my top priority & has been since God told me many years ago it was my purpose. This means podcasts aren’t going to get as much of my attention. I don’t have any particular schedule with them, so I won’t release new ones faithfully every day, week or even month. I release them a few at a time periodically. I have been pretty lazy about doing this over the last year or so, & I apologize for that. It’s changing, I promise! I just had so much happening in my life in the recent past, my work has fallen too far behind.

So anyway, here is the list of where my podcasts can be found. I hope you find a platform that you like, & will listen to them. Thank you as always for reading & supporting my work! I hope it blesses you as much as you bless me!

Amazon Music:

https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/636257ca-b20e-4c80-b0c4-76c6da81d4b6/cynthia-bailey-rug

Anchor By Spotify:

https://anchor.fm/cynthiabaileyrug

Apple Podcasts:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/cynthia-bailey-rug/id1632080095

Castbox:

https://castbox.fm/channel/id3103069?utm_source=podcaster&utm_medium=dlink&utm_campaign=c_3103069&utm_content=Cynthia%20Bailey-Rug-CastBox_FM

Google Podcasts:

https://www.google.com/podcasts?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy8yNWViYmY5OC9wb2RjYXN0L3Jzcw==

Overcast:

https://overcast.fm/itunes1519449931/cynthia-bailey-rug

Pocketcasts:

https://pca.st/3qvsb30s

RadioPublic:

https://radiopublic.com/cynthia-baileyrug-6BonBp

Spotify:

https://open.spotify.com/show/5aY76eAGa3xOfVMimiQMai

Stitcher:

https://www.stitcher.com/show/cynthia-baileyrug

Reminders For Those Who Have Experienced Trauma

Many of us who have experienced trauma have been very deeply affected by it.  We not only develop mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, PTSD or C-PTSD, but we also develop some very skewed beliefs.  In this post, I’d like to address some of them & hopefully help you to realize a healthier way to think.

It’s ok to have bad days!  Mental illness is no joke.  It’s incredibly difficult to live with & very serious!  Not all days are going to be days where you can cope well & manage your symptoms.  Some days, you’re going to want to cry all day long, have panic attacks, wake up exhausted from having several nightmares in a row & barely be able to function.  Some days you won’t function at all.  These scenarios, horrible as they are, are also normal.  It doesn’t make you unlovable or unworthy!  It doesn’t mean you have no faith in God or are a phony Christian either!  It means you are struggling with a mental illness.

You’re not a burden, even on your worst days.  I don’t care if all you could do was get out of bed long enough to make a sandwich today, that doesn’t make you a burden.  Would you consider someone a burden that is suffering from cancer & could do virtually nothing?  No?  Then why would you be a burden when you have days you can barely function?

You’re ok.  It seems all of us with mental illness have experienced the same thing- someone thinking we’re weak or attention seeking.  After all, they went through trauma & are fine! (Or so they say..).   It can make you feel as if something is wrong with you for developing the mental illness, but nothing could be further from the truth!  Every situation is different & every person in every situation is different.  There is no indicator who will or won’t develop ongoing mental illness as a result of their trauma.  Those of us who do however, aren’t “less than” those who don’t.  We’re simply different, & different does NOT equal bad!

Nothing that happened was your fault.  Narcissists do love to blame their victims, don’t they?  “You made me do it” is a common gaslighting phrase.  As if that isn’t bad enough, their flying monkeys reinforce this by saying stupid things like, “You should’ve just stayed out of his way when he was in a bad mood.”  “What did you do to make her so angry?”  While such behaviors can make it easy to believe the trauma was your fault, it truly wasn’t.  The only fault in the situation is that of the narcissist for choosing to be abusive!

It’s ok to talk about the trauma.  Narcissists love secrecy & depend on their victims never discussing the abuse.  Talking about it may feel impossible or as if you’re betraying the narcissist somehow.  I get it!  Truly!  Until my parents were gone, I was terrified they’d somehow find out what I wrote about even though I knew it was highly unlikely.  I also felt guilty for betraying them by “outing” them, so to speak by discussing the things they did to me.  The truth though is that I was wrong to feel that way.  When people abuse you, it’s not your job to stay quiet.  You have every right to divulge what they have done to you to whoever you wish.  It’s your life too, not just theirs.  If you want to discuss your situation either with a close friend or therapist or even write books as I have, that is your right!

Your feelings are valid.  I know, narcissists will say otherwise but truly, your feelings are valid!  You are entitled to them!

You owe no one an explanation.  Your life is just that.  Yours.  You owe no one any explanation for how you choose to live it, how you choose to heal, who you choose to have in your life or who you choose to eliminate from it.  What you do is up to you.  So long as you aren’t deliberately hurting others, what business is it of anyone’s how you live your life?

Please remember these points, Dear Reader.  You deserve to take care of yourself, to love yourself, to be treated well & to be respected! xoxo