For Those Who Think Narcissists Shouldn’t Have To Face Consequences

As a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have often heard people say that narcissists shouldn’t have to face consequences for their actions.  They argue that it’s not fair to punish someone for being cruel when they have a personality disorder or because they had a hard life or some other equally lame excuse.  However, as a Christian, I believe that everyone is accountable for their actions, regardless of their mental health status.  In fact, the Bible speaks about the importance of consequences & correction.  Psalm 141:5 in the Amplified Bible says, “Let the righteous [thoughtfully] strike (correct) me—it is a kindness [done to encourage my spiritual maturity].  It is [the choicest anointing] oil on the head; Let my head not refuse [to accept & acknowledge & learn from] it; For still my prayer is against their wicked deeds.”

One of the main reasons why narcissists should face consequences for their actions is accountability.  Without consequences, there is no incentive to change behavior.  It’s important for everyone to be held accountable for their actions, not only for the sake of those they have hurt, but also for their own wellbeing & growth.  While narcissists almost never change, at least consequences set the stage for that possibility.

Furthermore, consequences are a form of justice.  When someone does something wrong, it’s only right that they face the consequences of their actions.  This is not about revenge or punishment, but about restoring balance & order.  When a narcissist is allowed to get away with their behavior endlessly, it sends the message that their actions are acceptable.  This is especially damaging to victims who may struggle with feelings of worthlessness or self blame.

Finally, consequences can also serve as a deterrent for future bad behavior.  When someone faces the unpleasant consequences of their actions, it sends a message to others that similar behavior will not be tolerated.  Even narcissists do get that message through consequences sometimes.

As Christians, we are called to forgive others as God has forgiven us.  This can be challenging when dealing with narcissistic abusers who have caused so much pain & trauma.  However, forgiveness does not mean letting go of justice or accountability.  Rather, it means entrusting the situation to God, & releasing the person from expectations of an apology or repaying us for the damage they did.

Forgiveness also does not mean that the relationship with the abuser is automatically restored.  That should require repentance, humility, & a willingness to change.  When a person is not willing to acknowledge their wrongdoing & change, the relationship can’t be restored. 

As Christians, we are called to love all people, including narcissists.  Love is not always about feeling warm, caring feelings, which is good since it’s impossible to feel that way towards anyone who deliberately traumatizes you.  That love can be as simple as praying for them – for God to meet whatever needs they have, to bless them & most importantly, to turn their hearts & minds to Him.  I know how hard this can be, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.  And when it’s hard, tell God!  He knows anyway so just be honest.  I have prayed “I don’t want to pray for them but I know You want me to, so that’s the only reason I’m doing this” many times, & not once was God ever angry with me for it.

At the same time, we must also set healthy boundaries & protect ourselves from further harm.  This means limiting our interactions with them or even going no contact.  Such things are loving & Godly.

Never ever let anyone make you feel badly for giving a narcissist consequences for abusing you. Whether or not the narcissist learns & grows from the experience, at least you have done the right thing by giving them an environment that encourages such things. The rest is up to them.

Children Need To Be Allowed To Have Boundaries

The world can be a scary place for children.  They are still learning how to navigate the world & their emotions.  It’s important for parents to create a safe & nurturing environment where children feel comfortable expressing themselves.  One way to do this is by allowing them to have boundaries.  Children need to feel safe to say no, disagree, express their opinions, & set limits.  When children grow up without boundaries, they can develop a fear of hurting others, abandonment, shaming, judgment, criticism, & being told they are bad, selfish, or not Godly.  This can have a detrimental effect on their mental & emotional well-being that can last a lifetime & cause a tremendous amount of problems for them.6

Boundaries are essential for children’s development.  They help children understand their limits & the limits of others.  Without boundaries, children can become confused & overwhelmed.  They may not know how to express their needs & emotions, which leads to frustration & anger.  Boundaries also help children learn how to respect others & themselves.  When children learn to set boundaries, they learn to value themselves & their needs.  This can lead to healthy relationships later in life.

Parents need to model healthy boundaries for their children.  If parents don’t respect their own boundaries, they can’t expect their children to do the same.  For example, if a parent is always giving in to their child’s demands, the child may not learn how to respect other people’s boundaries.  It’s important for parents to set limits & stick to them.  This teaches children that boundaries are important & that they need to be respected.

Children who grow up without boundaries may struggle with setting their own boundaries as adults.  They may have difficulty saying no or expressing their needs.  This leads to unhealthy relationships & a lack of self-care.  Learning how to set boundaries early helps them develop healthy habits as adults.

Children who grow up without boundaries may struggle with speaking up for themselves.  They may fear hurting the other person, anger, abandonment, shaming, judgment, criticism, & being told they are bad, selfish, or not Godly.  This fear leads to a lack of self-expression & an inability to set boundaries.  Children feel like they have to please others, even if it means sacrificing their own needs & desires.

Parents can help their children overcome this fear by creating a safe & nurturing environment.  Children need to feel like they can express themselves without fear of judgment or criticism.  Parents can also encourage their children to speak up for themselves by modeling assertive behavior.  If a child sees their parent setting boundaries & speaking up for themselves, they are more likely to do the same.

Parents also should teach their children about consent.  Children need to understand that they have the right to say no to physical touch or activities they are uncomfortable with.  This teaches children that their boundaries are important & need to be respected.

It’s important for children to be compliant because they want to be, not because they are forced into it out of fear or guilt.  When parents use fear or guilt to control their children, it can damage the parent-child relationship & lead to resentment.  Children should feel like they have a choice in their actions & behaviors.

Parents can encourage good behavior by using positive reinforcement.  When children make good choices or show respect for others’ boundaries, parents can praise & reward them.  This teaches children that good behavior is valued & appreciated.

It’s important for parents to remember that children are individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, & desires.  They need to be allowed to express themselves & set their own boundaries.  By creating a safe & nurturing environment, parents can help their children develop healthy habits & relationships that will last a lifetime.

Having Healthy Boundaries With Empathy

Empathy is truly a wonderful thing & one of the best things God has given people.  Even so, there are times it can become a problem.  Lacking healthy boundaries with empathy is one of those times.

One obvious ways empathic people need healthy boundaries is feeling compassion for certain people.  It can be too easy for empathic people to tolerate terrible or even abusive behavior from someone who is dysfunctional or even toxic due to their own painful traumatic experiences.

I have done this. Many years ago, my husband & I were visiting his parents.  His mother said something that apparently his father disliked.  He insulted her for what she said, which obviously hurt her feelings badly.  Although she was a covert narcissist who clearly detested me, I still felt badly for her.  I had been trying to set healthy boundaries to let her know I was tired of tolerating her disrespect, but after watching how her husband spoke to her that day, I felt so badly for her that I tolerated her behavior quietly for a while.  Naively, I thought that maybe I was her only way to vent her hurt, frustrations & even anger.  I thought it might help her to get these awful feelings out by treating me badly, so I thought fine, I’ll deal with this.  Not like I wasn’t accustomed to her hating me, so I thought if it helps her feel better, so be it.  Thankfully I learned quickly that this wasn’t helping her & it was hurting me, so it needed to stop.

The trap I fell into can happen all too easily for an empathic person, as can going in the exact opposite direction.  Some empathic people can be so burned out on caring for other people that over time, they shut down their empathy.  They become cold & even cruel towards other people.  I have seen this with some victims of narcissistic abuse.  There have been a few times that I have mentioned feeling bad for a narcissist for some reason only to be attacked for that.  The attackers said things like there is no reason to feel badly for them.  They are evil, period, I needed to accept that & stop being so stupid as to pity them because they don’t deserve pity. 

Somewhere between these two examples lies a very good place for empathic people. 

If you are someone who naturally has a high degree of empathy for other people, I want to encourage you today to start using some of that empathy for yourself.  It may be time for you to learn some healthy boundaries.

You need to remember that you aren’t anyone’s punching bag. That really isn’t going to help anyone in the long run.  A person can vent to you about something, which is fine, but treating you badly repeatedly because someone else treated them badly is inexcusable!  That does no one any good, so don’t be foolish like I was & tolerate it thinking that it is helping someone.  It isn’t helping anyone & it hurts you!  You can have compassion, you can be empathic, yet you can have healthy boundaries too.

Also, going so far the other way as to shut down your natural empathy isn’t good either.  Look at the people who block it off, like narcissists.  They are miserable!  Ignoring natural empathy makes a person miserable, selfish & angry. 

Instead, accept that it is perfectly reasonable to feel compassion for someone who behaves badly, even abusers.  Yet, at the same time, it is also perfectly reasonable to have no space in your life to tolerate such behavior.  Refusing to allow others to mistreat you encourages them to change their behavior into something healthier.  You are giving them the chance to improve themselves.  And having this healthy balance is showing yourself love & compassion, not only showing it to other people.  You deserve that just as much as anyone else!

Boundaries Are Good For Everyone, Even Narcissists

Dysfunctional people, especially narcissists, often believe that having no boundaries, always giving in to someone & doing anything they want is what it means to love & honor someone. They even claim it’s not Godly to say no.

This couldn’t be more wrong though!

Romans 15:2 says, “Let each one of us [make it a practice to] please his neighbor for his good, to build him up spiritually..” (AMP)

Reread that verse again.  It says we should please our neighbor “for his good.”  That alone proves that not everything that can be done for someone is for their own good.  But, even if you don’t believe the Scripture, simply observing those who have gotten their way about nearly everything shows you that isn’t good.  People who are very accustomed to getting their own way are very selfish, arrogant & entitled.  They can be extremely demanding of others & have virtually no respect for the time & needs of others.  They also can be narcissists.

For victims of narcissistic abuse, saying no creates a great deal of shame.  Narcissists train their victims to do whatever they want with no regard to the victim’s own needs, wants or feelings. They also make sure their victims know how selfish & terrible they are if they consider their needs, wants or feelings rather than only the narcissist’s.  After being berated for being so terrible enough times, any normal person in this situation learns to avoid saying no & simply do whatever the narcissist wants in order to avoid trouble.  It seems easier than being shamed for saying no.

After years of being forced to go along with whatever the narcissist wants, saying no seems almost impossible.  It can be done however, & it must be done!

Starting small is a wise move.  If the narcissist in your life calls you constantly, don’t take their call every single time.  Take it when you feel able to do so.  Or, if they want to meet you somewhere at a certain time, suggest a different place or time periodically.  Tiny things like this may not seem important, but they are helping to get you accustomed to setting boundaries.  They help to give you the confidence to set other, larger boundaries.      

These smaller boundaries also are rarely large enough to warrant a narcissistic rage.  A narcissist may be annoyed by these actions, but seldom will become furious.

Once you become comfortable setting very small boundaries, then it is time to progress to slightly larger then larger ones.  One of those larger boundaries for me was when my parents wanted to come visit my home.  Telling them I didn’t want them in my home was out of the question, so I got creative.  I would suggest we go to lunch or visit a store I knew they liked.  Doing these things was surprisingly easy.  They liked to go out to eat & also window shopping, so it wasn’t hard to convince them to do these things.  And, approaching these things from the angle of “I know you like this thing, & I would like to as well” made it seem less like setting boundaries, which made them willing to go along with my suggestions. 

The more boundaries I set with my parents, the more distant they became & the less they expected from me.  I became healthier by being better with setting boundaries & they became less entitled when it came to me.  Being narcissists, of course the relationship was never going to be healthy, but it did improve & all three of us became healthier.

Setting boundaries with narcissists gets easier the more you do it.  It’s so worth doing when you realize just how good it is for you & the narcissist in your life.

  

When People Make You Feel Overly Responsible For Your Relationships

In 2014, I shared a picture on Facebook.  It was taken on my parents’ wedding day in 1969.  In the picture, they were standing by my father’s car, talking to my mother’s uncle.  A rather innocent picture that I mistakenly thought even my highly judgmental, critical family wouldn’t have a problem with me sharing.  I was wrong.

The first comment was from one cousin.  She mentioned how my father & I shared a love of old cars.  He always taught me about cars.  Not only maintenance, but identifying engines, years, makes & models.  I said it was about the only thing we had in common but we really did share that love of cars.  She didn’t respond to my comment.  One of our aunts, however, did.  She was a very devoted flying monkey & covert narcissist, as is evident by her reaction.

This aunt attacked me & said I needed to figure out more things to share with my father.  She was so hateful that I simply deleted her comment without responding.  I knew anything I said would fall on deaf ears, so it wasn’t worth my time or energy to explain my side to her.

Wasn’t this ridiculous though?! My aunt said I should be the one to change to please my father.  Obviously she didn’t care about me, my feelings or interests.  She never told my father about how he should try to get interested in things I like to please me.  And, as the icing on the cake, she was disrespectful & down right hateful in sharing her ludicrous opinions with me.

This is how it often is with adult children of narcissistic parents.  We are the ones given the responsibility of making relationships in our lives work.  We grow up knowing we must figure out how to please our parents at all times.  After we grow up, it seems that not only are we supposed to make the parental relationship work, but other relationships too.  Marriages, in-laws, friendships, coworker relationships.. all are our responsibility according to many people in our lives. 

In thinking about this, I have developed a theory about why people think it’s up to victims to make relationships work.  We are the safe ones to put that burden on.

Consider my situation with my aunt.  She remembers me as the blindly obedient, terrified child I once was.  She clearly thought I was still easy to boss around & probably still starved for the approval of my parents.  These factors would make me the easier person to confront in this situation than my father who, like her, was a covert narcissist.  It makes sense in a way that she took the easy route by dealing with me instead of him.

While in an odd way, it’s almost a complement that someone feels safe so with you, it still just, well, stinks!  It’s not right for people to make you feel as if you’re the one who needs to do all the work & make all the changes in that situation!  If they are going to talk to you about making changes, they should talk to the other person as well.

If you are in this situation, you have rights!  You can ask this person why they think it’s ok to put this pressure on you while saying nothing to the other person (which might get them off your back because they can have no good answer to this question!).  You can tell them this topic isn’t up for discussion & refuse to discuss it with them.  You can set whatever boundaries you need to in order not to take full responsibility for fixing things, because that responsibility is not 100% yours!  Don’t let someone make you feel as if it is.  You deserve better than that!

The Difference Between Hurt & Harm With Boundaries

It’s common for us to use the words “hurt” & “harm” interchangeably, especially in everyday conversations, but what’s the actual difference between these two words?  It’s important to know the differences, but especially when setting boundaries.  In this post, we’ll explore the differences between hurt & harm, as well as how we can learn to make the distinction.

When we experience hurt with regard to boundaries, it usually comes from feeling disappointed or even angry that this person disagrees with us or won’t do something we ask.  Although hurt can be painful, it is usually not long-lasting.  Hurt also isn’t a deliberate act to cause pain. We can often recover from hurt quickly with some prayer, self-care, & support from friends and family.

Harm is more serious than hurt.  It is the direct result of someone else’s actions, & it can have long-term consequences.  Harm can come from abuse, neglect or exploitation.  In some cases, harm can lead to serious health complications & even death.  Setting & enforcing reasonable boundaries doesn’t harm anyone.  Abusive people however act like boundaries are harmful to them, & the person setting those boundaries is unreasonable, cruel & causing them great harm.  This makes the one setting those boundaries feel badly, & if that person is unaware of what the abuser is doing, they may disregard their boundary to please the abuser.  When this happens over & over again, the victim’s boundaries are eroded until there are none left, & the abuser is in control of the victim.

It can be difficult to tell the difference between hurt & harm if you’re not sure what to look for or are new to setting healthy boundaries.  There are some signs that might help you to recognize the difference. 

Healthy boundaries offer freedom.  The person receiving that boundary has the choice to respect it or not, & if not, they are aware there are consequences for that.  If the person receiving them doesn’t respect them & is faced with consequences, it may hurt their feelings but causes them no harm.  When there is no choice involved & someone is forced to do something they don’t want to do, that is very controlling & harmful.

Healthy boundaries encourage healthy, functional behavior from both the person setting the boundaries & the person on the receiving end of the boundaries.  Healthy behavior isn’t easy for someone accustomed to dysfunctional behavior, so it can hurt a bit at first.  However, it causes no harm.  Instead, it encourages self improvement.

You can tell a great deal about how someone feels about you by how they respond to your boundaries.  Someone who truly cares about you will respect your boundaries.  If you are new to learning to have healthy boundaries, someone who cares for you will encourage your new growth.  A person who doesn’t truly respect or care for you will resist, criticize or even ignore your boundaries.  When victims of abuse first start to learn about boundaries, their abusers are usually very judgmental & cruel.  They accuse their victim of not being nice anymore or being selfish.  If that happens to you, just remember – they aren’t saying these things because they’re concerned about you.  They’re saying them because they realize they’re losing their control over you.  In their eyes, that’s a bad thing but in reality, it’s a very good thing, so keep doing what you’re doing!

We all deserve to feel safe & respected & healthy boundaries are a part of that. Knowing the difference between hurt & harm when setting boundaries definitely will help us to achieve that.

Problem With Purchasing My Courses SOLVED!

Please don’t ask, I have absolutely no clue what I did that fixed things, but finally, my courses can be purchased online!! (obviously my talents lie in writing not creating websites!) My sincerest apologies for taking so long!

There are only a couple available now but now that my site is working properly, I will get back to work on creating others & writing books. The link is below if you want to check them out. They’re also on sale until the end of the year.

Thank you everyone for your patience & understanding! So sorry for the inconvenience!

https://store.cynthiabaileyrug.com/home/courses/

Setting Boundaries VS Stating Feelings

Human beings are called to love others & show compassion, but it’s also important to recognize our own worth & set boundaries when necessary.  While stating our feelings may help express our emotions, setting boundaries is crucial to protect our well being & maintain healthy relationships. It’s important to know the correct way to set boundaries, so today we will discuss the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries.

When someone says or does something that hurts us, it’s natural to want to express our feelings & let them know how their actions have impacted us.  Stating our feelings allows us to communicate our emotions & helps the other person understand the consequences of their behavior.  For example, we might say, “It hurts me when you talk to me like that.” By expressing our feelings, we create an opportunity for empathy, understanding, & potentially resolving the issue.

However, stating our feelings alone may not always lead to a change in behavior or a resolution, especially when the person hurting you is a narcissist.  While it is normal to want to express our emotions honestly, it is equally crucial to take it a step further & set clear boundaries, especially with narcissists.

Consider an example where someone consistently speaks disrespectfully.  We might say, “When you talk to me like that, it hurts me.”  While this statement conveys our emotions, it fails to set a boundary that can prevent further harm.  By solely stating our feelings, we leave the door open for the disrespectful behavior to continue.  The other person may not fully comprehend the impact of their words, & if the person is a narcissist, they get a thrill when their victims admit to feeling pain over something they have said or done which means they will continue to engage in that behavior.

Setting boundaries is about clearly defining what is acceptable & what is not.  It also involves stating the consequences if those boundaries are violated.  For instance, in the previous example, instead of merely expressing hurt, a boundary can be set by saying, “If you continue talking to me disrespectfully, I’m going to leave.”  By setting the boundary, we communicate that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable & establish a consequence for crossing that line.

Boundaries empower us to take control of our well being & protect ourselves from harmful situations.  They serve as a guide to others, showing them how we expect to be treated.  Setting boundaries is not about being selfish or mean spirited as some dysfunctional people think.  It’s about valuing ourselves & promoting healthy relationships.

As Christians, setting boundaries is especially important as we strive to love others as ourselves.  Jesus himself demonstrated the importance of boundaries in His interactions.  He set boundaries when necessary, even with His closest disciples, to maintain healthy relationships & support His mission.  Setting boundaries creates an environment where love, respect, & understanding thrive.

Recognizing the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries is essential.  While expressing our emotions is a valid & necessary part of communication, setting boundaries ensures that our emotional well being is protected.  It is important to know when to move beyond stating feelings & take appropriate action to establish boundaries.

Every situation is unique, & there is no one-size-fits-all approach to setting boundaries.  The appropriate action may vary depending on the severity of the situation, the dynamics of the relationship, & our personal boundaries.  Trust God, trust your instincts & prioritize your well-being.

As victims of narcissistic abuse, it can be even more challenging to differentiate between stating feelings & setting boundaries.  Narcissistic individuals manipulate & invalidate emotions, making it difficult to express ourselves authentically.  However, by understanding the difference & learning how to set healthy boundaries, we can establish healthy boundaries.

In conclusion, while stating our feelings allows us to express our emotions, setting boundaries correctly is crucial.  As Christians, it is important to love others, but we must also recognize our own worth & establish boundaries when necessary.  By differentiating between stating our feelings & setting boundaries, we can create an environment of respect & understanding.  I encourage you to be brave in expressing your emotions & in setting boundaries, honoring yourself & those around you.

My Latest Venture

I decided some time back to try creating courses. I looked into what many online courses on all topics involve, thought & prayed about what I learned. So far, I have created two, but look forward to creating more. The current courses are called, “Rediscovering Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse” & “How To Develop Healthy Boundaries.”

My courses are all downloadable. They consist of written lessons with corresponding fillable .pdf forms (makes them easy to complete on your phone, tablet or computer or print out). So many folks who follow my work have told me that they, like me, learn best from reading over video or audio. I’d rather write than make either video or audio any day so that works for me!

Below is the link to these new courses. I hope you’ll check them out. I plan to add more over time so check back often.

Also, I’m offering them at a discount from now until the end of the year.

By the way… I’ve never created a site with a shopping cart & downloadable anything before. It looks like everything works ok, but I’m not 100% sure. If you find any problems, please let me know! Just email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com Thank you!

Cynthia’s Courses

When Starting To Set Boundaries, Start Small

When you first learn about boundaries, it is only natural to want to jump in head first & set strict limits in every area of your life.  Then you think about people like your narcissistic parent & panic.  It seems impossible to set boundaries on someone who has spent so much of your life controlling, manipulating, bullying & tearing you down.  The good part is that in spite of how it feels, setting boundaries isn’t impossible with someone like this.  All you have to do is start small, & don’t think too far ahead.

I know, that sounds very contradictory to how I truly am since I tend to think of the big picture & it shows in my writing.  Sometimes with boundaries though, thinking of just the here & now is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Starting small may not be really easy, but it’s quite doable.  All you have to do is figure out where to start.  Once you start, you will surprise yourself by how you keep going.  Seeing yourself being successful starting small will give you the confidence you need to see that you can do this.  From there, you can take a slightly bigger step, & you’ll gain more confidence.  Then you take another larger step, & another & another.  Before you know it, you’ll be setting very healthy boundaries & doing so with ease, even with the most difficult of people.

If you’re wondering how to start with small boundaries, I have some suggestions that helped me in this area.

Don’t answer the phone every time the narcissist calls.  I know this is a tiny step but it’s also a very powerful one.  Narcissists expect their victims to be available, day or night, no matter what.  You not answering their call will show them this isn’t the case.  The narcissist may get upset about this at first, but it’s absolutely worth it.  No narcissist can sound reasonable about getting angry you didn’t answer your own phone the moment it rang.  Their anger is going to be more funny than frightening for a change.  I’ve been there & it really was!  Both of my parents resorted to saying the same comments:  “I thought you were mad at me since you didn’t answer the phone on the first ring.”  This opened a door for me to use logic mingled with sarcasm to shut them down in my response.  I said, “I do have a life.  I’m not sitting beside the phone 24/7, waiting on your call” & “I was outside when I heard the phone ring inside the house.  Is it ok that I went into my own yard?”  There was nothing they could say to contradict my logic!

Block their phone number for a day or two to give yourself a break.  Phones can be unpredictable, so them not being able to reach you easily can be chalked up to phone service.  Or, they may not even call to know they were blocked.  Either way, you have a well deserved break on your terms.

Don’t let them always determine when their calls or visits end.  You have every right to say, “I need to go now” & end the call or visit.  Exercise that right!

Limit time spent with them either in person or on the phone.  If they expect you to spend an afternoon with them every weekend, start making it every other weekend.  Or, say you can’t come by when they want you to sometimes, & offer no explanation.  You have this right!

Suggest doing something different or going somewhere other than where they want to go.  This takes back a tiny bit of your power by giving you some say.  If your narcissistic parents want to go to dinner at restaurant A, suggest restaurant B instead. 

Whenever possible, drive in a separate vehicle from the narcissist.  Cars provide a wonderful escape, but they also can be a tool many narcissists use.  Maintain your escape & suggest meeting the narcissist somewhere rather than them picking you up.

If you’re friends on social media, unfollow the narcissist even if you can’t unfriend them.  Everyone knows some things are easily lost in the social media feed.  The narcissist doesn’t have to know you unfollowed them.  What they wanted you to see that you missed could have been lost in your feed quite easily.

Also on social media, limit what the narcissist can see.  I have a list on my Facebook called “Everyone But Family”.  Prior to severing ties with my family, I used this list a LOT.  On it was anyone I trusted & was NOT related to.  I excluded all relatives & friends of my relatives to it so there was no chance they might slip & mention something to a relative I didn’t want my family to know.

Stop going out of your way for the narcissist.  Do the bare minimum you can do & that is all.  Narcissists need to know their victims aren’t going to provide them with endless narcissistic supply, & this is one way to make that point.

Being Too Close To Your Family Is Unhealthy

Genesis 2:23-24 in the Amplified Bible says, “Then Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, & flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ ²⁴ For this reason, a man shall leave his father & his mother, & shall be joined to his wife; & they shall become one flesh.” These verses show how important it is to grow past the close ties with our family of origin in order to grow up.  Leaving the family’s nest is a vital step in becoming the person God has called us to be.  Today, we will discuss why staying too involved with family can be unhealthy & how to find freedom in God’s will.

It is perfectly normal to love & care for our families.  However, when we are too involved or dependent on them, especially as adults, it can hinder personal & spiritual growth.  Staying too involved with family can lead to unhealthy emotional attachments, unhealthy & unrealistic expectations, stress & strain on all of our relationships.

Additionally, staying too involved with family can prevent us from living our own lives & fulfilling our God-given purpose.  When we prioritize our family’s desires & opinions over what God is calling us to do, we may end up living an unfulfilling life that is not in alignment with our calling.

Finally, being overly involved with our family also hiders our ability to form deep & lasting relationships with other people.  When we are overly focused on our family’s needs, we don’t give ourselves the time or space to develop meaningful relationships systems outside of our family.

When we become more independent from our family, we are able to cultivate a deeper relationship with God, letting Him guide our steps & mold us into the person He created us to be.  We also are able to grow & develop as individuals.  We can explore new interests, engage in personal hobbies, & pursue our passions without feeling tied down by familial expectations.  And, when we establish healthy boundaries with our family, our relationships can improve as family members aren’t so deeply involved in our lives.

We must communicate & enforce our boundaries with family members.  This isn’t always easy, especially if the family members are narcissists, but it’s necessary.  Establishing healthy boundaries is vital.  If your family members are narcissistic, don’t show them any emotion because if you do, they will use that to manipulate you.  Remain calm & firm.  Remind yourself that you have every right to healthy boundaries, & they aren’t harming your relatives, no matter what they might say.  Healthy boundaries are always a very good thing!

Seek support & encouragement from others outside of our family unit.  Connecting with like-minded people can help provide affirmation, guidance, & encouragement to continue pursuing God’s will.  They also can pray for & with you, & they will help to keep you grounded.  All of which will help you to avoid falling back into old, dysfunctional habits. 

Remember, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be an independent adult.  It doesn’t mean you want nothing to do with your family or even hate them.  It simply means you’re a normal person with a normal desire that every single person has. 

Narcissists Hate When Victims Stand Up For Themselves To Anyone

Everyone with even minimal knowledge of narcissists knows that they can’t handle when their victims stand up for themselves to them.  No matter how accurate what they say is, no matter how gently it may be said, they still can’t handle it.  They take it as a personal attack & will rage in some fashion at the person who dared to have the audacity to speak to them in such a way.

Did you know that narcissists also can’t tolerate when their victims defend themselves to other people?  It’s true. 

When I was growing up, if I told my mother about a problem with a friend, she always told me things like, “To have a friend, you have to be one.”  In other words, no matter what was done to me, she wanted me to tolerate it rather than speak up for myself.  And, it wasn’t just her.  Other narcissists in my life have been the same way.  I wondered why this was at the times these situations happened, but only recently have I thought about it enough to figure out why they were that way.

Narcissists don’t want victims standing up for themselves to anyone in any capacity because to do so would mean they recognize abuse.  If they recognize abuse, then they obviously would realize that the narcissist, too, is abusive, & they would stop tolerating that abuse.  Clearly, this would be bad for any narcissist, so they instead enable others to abuse their victims & encourage the victims to tolerate it.  In order to keep victims tolerating abuse, when their victims say someone is mistreating them, narcissists do their best to dissuade their victims from standing up for themselves.

Narcissists in this situation tell their victims that they are being over sensitive, over reacting, being defensive, reading too much into the other person’s behavior, & more.  The goal is to shame their victim into silence by making them feel ashamed of themselves for being upset about being wronged or even abused by the other person.  If they can accomplish this, then they can keep the victim compliant & tolerating their abusive behavior.

Another tactic they may use is to call you weak or cowardly if you don’t defend yourself.  They say things like, “If I was in that situation, I sure would do things differently!”  While this may sound counter intuitive to their goal of keeping victims tolerating abuse, it’s actually not.  This behavior also causes shame in victims, which makes them even less likely to defend themselves.

Or, if the victim mentions standing up to someone to the narcissist, the narcissist often will criticize how the victim did it.  The words were all wrong, the timing was inappropriate, the victim’s tone or body language were all wrong, etc. according to narcissists.

In any situation, whether you defend yourself or not, you WILL be wrong, according to the narcissist.  The best way to handle this is simply not to mention defending yourself to narcissists.  Handle your situations however you know is best without telling the narcissist anything about them.  And never, ever ask a narcissist for advice about anything, let alone how to handle a relationship problem!

Valuing Yourself In Relationships

Relationships of all types, romantic, friendships & familial, are an essential part of life, & it’s crucial to nurture them with love, respect, & understanding.  However, sometimes, we tend to compromise our self-worth in relationships, which can lead to mistreatment & abuse.  Today, I hope to shed some light on the importance of valuing yourself in relationships.

Many people believe that valuing oneself in a relationship is selfish or narcissistic.  However, it’s essential to understand that it’s not about putting oneself above others; it’s about recognizing one’s worth & treating oneself with love & respect.  When you value yourself, you can set healthy boundaries that communicate your needs & expectations, which creates a balanced, healthy relationship.

One of the most significant benefits of valuing yourself in relationships is recognizing your worth.  When you value yourself, you understand that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, & care.  This awareness makes it easier for you to identify when your partner is mistreating or disrespecting you.  Many people find themselves in abusive relationships because they don’t recognize their worth.  They tolerate abuse because they think that it’s what they deserve. However, when you value yourself, you understand that you deserve better & won’t tolerate such mistreatment.

A crucial aspect of valuing yourself in relationships is the ability to communicate your needs.  When you value yourself, you understand your needs & expectations from your partner. This awareness makes it easier for you to communicate your needs respectfully.  When you value yourself, you understand that your needs are essential, you have the right to communicate them & you can communicate them respectfully without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Valuing yourself in relationships also means setting healthy boundaries.  Boundaries are essential in relationships because they help define the limits of what is acceptable & what is not.  They also help create a respectful & loving relationship.  When you value yourself, you understand your limits & what you will & won’t tolerate from your partner.  You can set boundaries without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Valuing yourself in relationships also helps you avoid abusive, manipulative, or unhealthy relationships.  When you value yourself, you understand that you deserve a healthy & loving relationship.  You won’t tolerate any unhealthy behavior from your partner, & you will walk away from toxic relationships.

Valuing yourself in relationships also can help you build self-confidence.  When you value yourself, you understand your worth, & you treat yourself with love & respect.  Self-confidence is essential in creating a happy & healthy life.  It can help you achieve your goals & dreams & can help you build healthy relationships.  

Valuing yourself in relationships can also help you avoid expecting your partner to make you happy.  That expectation creates an unhealthy & unbalanced relationship.  When you value yourself, you understand that you don’t need a partner to feel happy & fulfilled.

Valuing yourself in relationships is essential in creating happy & healthy relationships.  It doesn’t mean that you’re selfish or narcissistic; it means that you understand your worth & treat yourself with love & respect.  So, take some time to reflect on your self-worth & how you can value yourself in your relationships.  Remember that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, & care, & don’t settle for anything less.

Some Common Signs Of Disrespect In Families

Most people have had to deal with disrespect in our families at some point.  Whether it’s gossiping & sharing private information, a fear of saying no, belittling & criticizing, blaming others for our problems, ridiculing someone for making a mistake, taking advantage of others, clique-like behavior where some are excluded, or giving the silent treatment, disrespect in families obviously can take many forms. It’s not only emotionally damaging to the victims of this abuse, but it can also have long-term effects that may not be immediately apparent.

Today, we’ll explore the various types of disrespect in families & how to handle them.

Note that these behaviors can be signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but even people without the disorder can behave in these ways sometimes.  If you’re unsure if your relatives are narcissists, how you deal with their disrespect will show you.  Narcissists get angry or act like a victim when confronted on their bad behavior.  Healthy people offer genuine apologies & change their behavior.

One of the most common forms of disrespect in families is when one member is too afraid to say no to the requests of another.  This fear of saying no can be rooted in fear of punishment or fear of being rejected, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the person’s autonomy.

Making unreasonable demands is another hallmark of disrespect in families.  When people like this are told no, they become angry, accusatory or use guilt in an attempt to manipulate the other person into doing their will.  The demanding person clearly shows they don’t respect their family member’s time or their other relationships when they behave in this way.

Disrespectful relatives also will take advantage of each other at any opportunity. Not only with unreasonable demands, but with anything. Worse yet is when many do this, they act like they are being good to their relative.

Another common form of disrespect in families is belittling & criticizing.  This can be anything from making snide comments about someone’s appearance or abilities to outright insults.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of self-esteem, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the other person or even narcissism.

Blaming others for their problems is yet another common form of disrespect in families.  This can be anything from blaming someone for not doing something right to blaming them for something they had no control over.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of accountability & is an obvious sign of a lack of respect for the other person.

Ridiculing someone for making a mistake is another form of disrespect in families. This type of behavior is often rooted in a desire to be seen as superior or to put someone else down in order to make one’s self feel better.  It’s a sign of a lack of respect for the other person & can be damaging to their self-esteem.

If you are the victim of disrespect in your family, it is important to know that there are steps that you can take to address the situation. Here are some tips for dealing with disrespect in families:

• Pray.  Ask God to give you insight into your situation, wisdom on ways to cope & strength & courage to do whatever you need to do.
• Take Care Of Yourself: Before confronting the situation, take care of yourself by finding healthy ways to cope with the situation.  This may include talking to a trusted friend or counselor, practicing self-care activities, or engaging in activities that nurture your mental & physical health.
• Set Boundaries: It is important to set boundaries & make clear what kind of behavior is & is not acceptable.  Communicate these boundaries to those involved & make sure that they are respected.  If they aren’t respected, be prepared to give consequences, such as creating some distance between you & the other person.
• Focus On Solutions: Work together as a family to come up with strategies for addressing the situation & for improving communication & relationships within the family.  If your relative in question is a narcissist, clearly this won’t work since they don’t want solutions.  In that case, focus on finding ways to protect yourself from this toxic individual.

Dealing with disrespect in families can be a difficult & traumatic experience, but it can be done.  You can handle this situation!

Why Narcissists Feel They Must Know All About Their Victims After The Relationship Is Over

So many victims of narcissistic abuse face the same scenario.  Once they ended the relationship with the narcissist, they learned that the narcissist or one of their loyal evil minions have been following them on social media, trying to befriend people the victim knows or otherwise trying to find out information about what their victim has been doing since the relationship ended. 

I have been in this position repeatedly & currently have someone following me on Facebook that I know is only there to report to two narcissists what they find on my page.  Thanks to awful people like this, I can tell you from personal experience, it’s exasperating!  It makes you feel like there is no escape from the narcissist or their flying monkeys.  It also is maddening because you know if you close one door where they have to access you, they’ll find another.  They can create fake social media profiles all day long & follow you in those.  Or, they can befriend other friends of yours that you aren’t as close to.  Or, they can send friends of theirs you don’t know to befriend you. 

There is also the fact no victim of narcissistic abuse could be comfortable with a narcissist knowing anything about their life after the relationship.  No one who treats someone as terribly as a narcissist treats their victim has the right to know anything about those they have abused.  The sheer audacity of that behavior is infuriating, especially if you’re already a rather private person. 

To those who haven’t had this experience, it may not sound like a big deal.  It may even sound like the narcissist truly loves their victim, since they obviously want to know about them even long after the relationship has ended.  The fact though is those thoughts are absolutely wrong.  This IS a big deal & the narcissist does NOT love their victim.

When someone ends a relationship with a functional person, that functional person may want to know what the other person is up to after the relationship ends sometimes, but they aren’t obsessed.  They know it’s unhealthy & they aren’t entitled to that knowledge.  They may peek at their social media once in a while or ask a mutual friend how the other person is doing, but that is it.  Narcissists are not like this.  They think they are entitled to know whatever they like about their victims simply because they want to know.  Nothing else matters to them, like respect, privacy or boundaries.

Narcissists also don’t behave this way out of love.  They know nothing about what real love is like.  They are hoping to learn that their former victim is as miserable as they are, & failing in their life.  Nothing would make them happier than to learn that their victim has suffered all kinds of heartaches & trials since the relationship ended.  And, if they see evidence their victim is happy, it infuriates them.  It fuels their hatred of their victim.  Again, this is nothing like a functional person after a relationship!  A functional person wants the person they were in a relationship with once to be happy, even if it isn’t with them.  They won’t rejoice if they learn that person has suffered, only if they learn that person is happy.

If you are in this position of dealing with a narcissist or their flying monkeys lurking on the outskirts of your life, my heart truly goes out to you.  Protect your privacy however necessary, & don’t feel badly about doing it.  You have every right to do that!  They aren’t entitled to know anything about you or your life.  A person who abuses you has lost all rights to know anything about you, good or bad.  It is totally reasonable for you to protect your privacy however you need to because of that.

What Makes A Good Person Truly Good

So many people think that being a good person means that someone is very caring, willing to do anything for anyone, sacrifice anything & everything of themselves to others which includes those who treat them badly, & someone who never says or thinks anything negatively of other people.

The truth is that this isn’t the definition of a good person.  This is the definition of a doormat.  A person like this is going to be used & abused.  Naturally this will make many people who try to be good people think being a good person is a waste of time & sets them up for being mistreated.  They naturally prefer not to be so called “good people” over being treated so badly, & who can blame them?

Let’s consider what it’s like to be a good person rather than a doormat that people claim is a good person.

A good person is realistic.  If someone mistreats people, is arrogant, entitled or deliberately hurts other people, a good person recognizes these things & treats that person accordingly, even if that means eliminating that person from their life.

A good person also has standards.  They don’t tolerate just anything.  They give their best to others in every area of their lives, & they expect others to do the same thing.

A good person has boundaries.  They will respect your space, wants & needs, & act accordingly. They also expect you to return the favor to them.  If you cross certain boundaries with them, they won’t hesitate to call you out on it in a respectful way.  They also will care for you & watch out for you but they also have no problem saying no when they believe it is best to do so.

A good person shows respect to everyone, but also expects others to respect them in return.  This isn’t because they demand people respect them, but because they are aware that they are worthy of respect.

A good person is patient.  This doesn’t mean that they are weak nor are they willing to tolerate others using them.

A good person is very compassionate, but is not naive.  They will be very kind & gentle with a person, but if they realize that person is trying to use or abuse them, they won’t tolerate it.

A good person always will encourage you & build you up.  That doesn’t mean that they will tolerate you trying to tear them down as a way to build yourself up, however.

A good person will tell a person what they need to hear, even when it’s not necessarily what they want to hear because showing others God’s love is more important to them than building up their ego.

In short, being a good person isn’t what many people assume it is.  A good person can be truly good without being willing to tolerate nonsense or abuse.

Boundaries Are Good For Everyone!

Dysfunctional people, especially narcissists, often believe that giving someone everything they want & doing anything they want is what it means to love & honor someone. They even claim it’s not Godly to say no.

This couldn’t be more wrong though!

Romans 15:2 in the Amplified Bible says, “Let each one of us [make it a practice to] please his neighbor for his good, to build him up spiritually..”

Did you notice what that verse says?  It says we should please our neighbor “for his good.”  That alone proves that not everything that can be done for someone is for their own good.  But, even if you don’t believe the Scripture, simply observing those who have gotten their way about nearly everything shows you that isn’t good.  People who are very accustomed to getting their own way are very arrogant & entitled.  They can be extremely demanding of others & have virtually no respect for the time & needs of others.  Worst of all, they also can be narcissists.  It’s very good for people not to get their own way all of the time. 

It’s also good for people not to do for others all of the time, because those who are catered to will come to expect that.  They can become very entitled & demanding rather than appreciating all someone does for them or returning the favor.

For victims of narcissistic abuse, saying no creates a great deal of shame.  Narcissists train their victims to do whatever they want with no regard to the victim’s own needs, wants or feelings. They also make sure their victims know how selfish & terrible they are if they consider their needs, wants or feelings rather than only the narcissist’s.  After being berated for being so terrible enough times, any normal person in this situation learns to avoid having any boundaries, & simply do whatever the narcissist wants in order to avoid trouble.  It seems to be the easier alternative to being shamed for having boundaries.  

After years or even a lifetime of being forced to go along with whatever the narcissist wants, setting boundaries seems almost impossible, & I don’t mean only with the narcissist.  It can seem impossible to have boundaries with anyone.  It can be done though!

As always, I recommend starting with prayer.  Ask God to help you learn how to set & enforce healthy boundaries.  Ask Him for strength & wisdom & anything else you need in this area.

Start small.  Don’t be available every single time someone wants to speak to you.  Let the phone ring sometimes.  Don’t answer that email or text immediately.  If you must get together with someone, suggest a different time or even day than they want.  These tiny steps can help you to gain confidence & set bigger boundaries. 

Remind yourself often that it isn’t your job to please other people.  It is your job to please other people according to what is good for them, according to Romans 15:2.  Sometimes what is good for someone is doing things for them & being a blessing, but other times what is good for someone is saying no or forcing them to handle something without your assistance.

Don’t let other people make you feel as if you’re a terrible person for having boundaries & telling them “no” sometimes!  That is certainly NOT the case!

When Narcissists Violate Boundaries

Narcissists are very concerned with appearances.  They are obsessed really, & will do anything to avoid looking like they have made mistakes, are flawed or as if they are bad in some way.  One way they maintain their perfect appearances is by violating boundaries.  They do this in several ways.

One way is to deny they violated your boundary.  In spite of you being right there, watching them do whatever it was they did, they will say that never happened.  They want to convince you that never happened so the next time it happens, you won’t believe it happened.  When they do this, they may even add on that they never do that thing you accused them of doing.  In fact, they may criticize others who show the same behavior.  For example, my mother would rage & scream at me, yet criticize me for having a bad temper or for yelling.  This projection allows them to be upset about the behavior while accepting no responsibility for their behavior or making changes.

Another way is by minimizing their abusive behavior.  Narcissists do love to minimize their abusive behavior & the effects it has on others as a way to continue behaving as they do.  If they can convince themselves & others that what they do isn’t a big deal & it isn’t really hurting anyone, they can continue to do whatever they like.

Sometimes narcissists will try to deflect by turning the tables on their victims.  Say you confront your narcissistic spouse about how much money he or she spends even knowing money is tight.  You remind this person that times are hard & there isn’t money left over for frivolous purchases.  Rather than admit they have overspent, apologize & start being more responsible, the narcissist may say, “What about you?  You spend way more money than me!  You just spent $100 last week!”  The idea of this behavior is to get the victim so caught up in defending themselves, they forget about the original complaint, & the narcissist can continue their behavior.

If all else fails, narcissists will not hesitate to blame their victims.  We’ve all heard of abusive husbands who beat their wives & blame the wives for making them beat them.  Narcissists do this often.  I’ve told this story before, so pardon the repeat if you know it.  On my seventeenth birthday, my now ex husband gave me a small vase of flowers with two small balloons in it & a teddy bear.  My mother destroyed the vase, flowers & balloons.  She forced me to give him back the bear.  She hated my ex, & was angry he gave me these gifts.  She said though that the reason that she destroyed them was because I was “acting so snotty” about getting them.  My so called snotty behavior was me being very quiet when I couldn’t avoid her seeing the gifts.  I was terrified of the rage I knew was coming, & my natural reaction to that fear was to get quiet. 

When these things happen, please remember that this is typical narcissistic behavior.  It has nothing to do with you & everything to do with their dysfunction.  They also aren’t right!  You saw them do what they do, so don’t believe the lies that they didn’t do it.  You also know how it felt so don’t let them minimize your pain.  Don’t let them change the topic of your conversation or make you feel responsible for “making” them do anything.  You are fine!  They however, are not, which is why they’re playing the stupid games!

When Children Aren’t Allowed To Say No

Narcissistic parents are notorious for not allowing their children to have any boundaries.  They have no problem going through their children’s personal belongings or even breaking or getting rid of things their child uses or loves.  Children are allowed no privacy, & some narcissistic parents go as far as removing their bedroom doors.  Possibly the worst thing narcissistic parents do is refusing to allow their children to say “no”.

Narcissistic parents are too self centered to realize or even care that by not allowing their children to say no, they are teaching their children some pretty terrible lessons.  When children learn that saying no is bad & not allowed, this teaches them that others can treat them however they wish.  This opens the door for other wicked people to abuse these children.  It also sets these children up for a life of misery because they don’t believe they have the right to say no to anyone, no matter what.  They also believe that they have to say yes to everyone & everything, & that obviously is a huge problem!

Children need to feel safe knowing that there won’t be any repercussions if they say things like, “No”, “Stop doing that,” “Don’t touch me”, “That hurts”, “I don’t agree with you” & “I won’t do that.” 

When a child doesn’t experience this ability to set reasonable boundaries, they can turn very submissive.  Their boundaries become very blurred.  They change their likes, dislikes, views, etc. depending on the company they keep.  They lose their individuality.  They do above & beyond what is reasonable for other people, even to the point of enabling terrible behavior.  They tolerate way too much, including abusive behavior, because they don’t believe they have the right to do otherwise.

When a person grows up not allowed to say no, the fear of what could happen can become paralyzing, & they literally can’t say the word no.  This fear happens because of many possible reasons.  Some of those reasons might be the fear of hurting other people’s feelings, fear of someone’s anger, fear of being punished, fear of abandonment or the fear of being seen as selfish, bad or even ungodly.  This fear also can happen because a person is too hard on themselves, & if they say no, they judge themselves very harshly.  They condemn themselves as horrible people, so they don’t say no in order to avoid feeling that way.

If you recognize this as your behavior, you’re not alone.  This is so common among children of narcissistic parents.  The good news though is that you can make healthy changes.

I always recommend starting with prayer in any situation, & this one is no different.  Asking God for help is never a mistake.  Also ask Him to show you the truth about where you end & others begin, what you should & shouldn’t tolerate, how to start setting healthy boundaries & anything else you need help with.

Also start paying attention to how you feel.  Does it bother you when someone expects something from you?  Why does it bother you?  If it feels unfair since they don’t ask others to do as much as you or they want you to do something they could do themselves, that is very reasonable!

Start small!  Start by not answering your phone if you don’t want to talk to the person calling or something like that.  The more you gain confidence in smaller boundaries, the more it will help you to go on to bigger ones.

Know people are going to be upset with you for your new boundaries.  Rather than being hurt by this, think of it this way.  Safe, good people will be happy for you & encourage you.  Only toxic people are offended by reasonable boundaries.  Seeing toxic people for who they are may be painful, but it’s also a good thing.  It shows you who you need to remove from your life.  And, removing them allows more time & energy for those who truly deserve that from you.

Having good boundaries won’t happen over night, but it will happen.  Just stay with it!  You can do this!

Boundaries Are Always Necessary, Even With Other Christians

Many people assume that being a Christian means you have no real boundaries.  You’re nice & helpful to everyone, & if you aren’t, you must not be a “real” Christian, whatever that means.  That isn’t even close to what being a Christian means however.

The Bible contains verses stating that as Christians, we should separate ourselves from others who claim to be Christians yet who act in toxic ways.  Matthew 18:15-17 says, “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens and pays attention to you, you have won back your brother. But if he does not listen, take along with you one or two others, so that every word may be confirmed by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he pays no attention to them [refusing to listen and obey], tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile (unbeliever) and a tax collector.”  And, 1 Corinthians 5:11 says, “But actually, I have written to you not to associate with any so-called [Christian] brother if he is sexually immoral or greedy, or is an idolater [devoted to anything that takes the place of God], or is a reviler [who insults or slanders or otherwise verbally abuses others], or is a drunkard or a swindler—you must not so much as eat with such a person.”

Clearly, boundaries are a necessary part of life.  Even in healthy relationships, they are necessary because without them, people can become enmeshed & unhealthy.  If boundaries are vital in healthy relationships, doesn’t it stand to reason that they are even more vital with unhealthy people?

Not setting boundaries isn’t being unloving, unkind, selfish or even a “bad Christian.”  Boundaries protect love, Godly love, because it means we are standing up to things that can damage or even destroy love.

We can & should set limits with those who behave badly in particular those who claim to be Christians, because they can be especially dangerous.  They are the ones who claim their toxic behavior is Godly which can lead people away from God. It is completely reasonable & even Godly to limit your time spent around someone who doesn’t behave in a healthy way.  It also is Godly to sever ties with someone who refuses to acknowledge the pain their behavior causes & change their ways.  Someone who doesn’t care that their behavior hurts other people or who even enjoys causing pain is toxic, & eliminating toxic relationships from your life is far from a bad thing to do!  Matthew 10:14 says, “Whoever does not welcome you, nor listen to your message, as you leave that house or city, shake the dust [of it] off your feet [in contempt, breaking all ties].”

Boundaries aren’t controlling, so please don’t think setting & enforcing them makes you a controlling or manipulative person.  Healthy boundaries are set & enforced to protect yourself, not change other people.  They are left with the choice to respect those boundaries or not respect them & deal with the consequences of their lack of respect.  Basically, that is what God does.  He doesn’t force people to do anything.  He has ways that He wants people to follow to have their best life, but rather than force people into obedience, He gives people the freedom to obey or disobey.  If they obey, they enjoy a close relationship with God.  If they disobey, they suffer consequences.  If they see the error of their ways & want to change, He certainly will forgive them & allow them into relationship with Him.  God displays the perfect model of how people should behave with each other.

Empathy vs Codependency

A couple of very misunderstood concepts today are empathy & codependency. 

Some things I’ve read about empathy haven’t been overly accurate.  In fact, some make it sound like being empathic is some sort of weird psychic power when it is nothing of the sort.  Some people also seem to think having empathy means that you have no boundaries, & are completely self sacrificing 1000% of the time.  According to Merriam Webster’s online dictionary however, empathy means: “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.”  Empathy is a good thing to have, since it enables you to be kind to others.

Codependency isn’t like empathy.  It isn’t concerned about what is best for others or how you can help people.  It’s about enabling bad behavior.  Also according to Merriam Webster’s online dictionary, codependency means: “a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (such as an addiction to alcohol or heroin)”.  Codependency says, “Let me make this situation pleasing to you” whereas empathy says, “How can I help you to help yourself to do what is best for you?”

Although both of these words clearly have very different meanings, some people confuse them, using them interchangeably either from a point of being naïve or being manipulative.  With narcissists, it’s almost always manipulative.  Narcissists don’t care if someone empathizes with their pain, but they do care about having a victim who is willing to overlook their abusive ways & enable their toxic behavior.  Narcissists may claim their victim is lacking in empathy when what the narcissist really wants from the victim is codependency.  Many victims of narcissistic abuse are empathic people, & unless they know better, they will be hurt by the narcissist’s accusation.  Rather than have the narcissist think they are heartless, sometimes empathic people enable the narcissist’s toxicity in an attempt to get the narcissist to think they are good people & earn the narcissist’s favor.

If you realize that you have codependent tendencies or are in a codependent relationship, you’re not alone.  It happens to many victims of narcissistic abuse.  The good news is you don’t have to stay that way.  You can unlearn these unhealthy behaviors!

As always, I recommend starting with prayer.  Ask God to show you what you need to change & how to make appropriate changes.

Also learn what you can about empathy & codependency.  Learning what you can will help you to see when you’re being empathic & when you’re being codependent.

Don’t forget to learn about boundaries, too.  You’ll need to gain a good sense of boundaries & know effective ways to enforce them.  To help you get started, I created a free online book study course about boundaries.  It’s available on my website at: www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

I know this probably sounds pretty overwhelming & hard to make the healthy changes you need to make, but really, it’s easier than you might think.  Once you recognize progress in yourself, it encourages you to keep on doing what you’re doing.  Also know that you’ll feel a lot of guilt when you begin to change your codependent ways.  That is totally normal.  When it happens, rather than give into ask yourself if you truly have a reason to feel this guilt or not.  Chances are excellent that you’ll recognize that you have no valid reason for the guilt.

I wish you the best with making these healthy changes!

A Little About Boundaries

People who don’t understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder, flying monkeys in particular, seem to all think that setting boundaries & limits on a narcissist’s abusive behavior is a terrible thing to do.  If the victim is a Christian, these people often add in that those limits are “ungodly”, “unloving” & even “not honoring your parents.”  If a victim wants to divorce a narcissistic spouse, people are quick to point out the Scripture that says, “God hates divorce!” or “wives submit to your husbands” while leaving out anything else that can elaborate on these verses.

The fact however, is that these people are entirely wrong.  Boundaries are loving, Godly & honorable.

You can’t change anyone’s behavior of course, but boundaries set the stage to encourage a person to behave in a better way.  Good boundaries also show people how to treat others in a healthy way by displaying clearly what a person will & will not tolerate.

Consequences when someone disregards another’s boundaries also give a person a choice.  They can change their behavior for the better & receive a better, healthier relationship in return for their efforts.  Or, they can continue their bad behavior & suffer the negative consequences, such as someone terminating the relationship with them.

It is a loving thing to do to help people behave in a more Godly & loving way.

What is not a loving thing to do is enabling bad behavior.  Tolerating abuse is far from loving.  How could it be a loving thing to do to encourage someone to participate in bad, abusive & yes even sinful behavior?  It isn’t loving at all nor is it Godly!  Yet it seems like so many people think this is the case, & will twist Scripture around in an attempt to convince other people this is true.

And, on the opposite side of that same coin, how is it loving to tolerate things that cause pain?  How does that sort of behavior benefit anyone?  It only hurts victims & tells abusers that their awful behavior is fine.

I know this post is a very brief & basic one today, Dear Reader, but I felt the need to put it out there anyway.  I feel someone needs this simple reminder, so here it is.  Keep your boundaries in place & keep enforcing them!  Anyone who doesn’t respect them is the one with the problem, not you.  You aren’t a bad Christian or unloving spouse or adult child for having boundaries.  You are simply giving someone the natural consequences of their behavior, as things should be.  People reap what they so, as the Scripture says…..

Galatians 6:7-8 “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked [He will not allow Himself to be ridiculed, nor treated with contempt nor allow His precepts to be scornfully set aside]; for whatever a man sows, this and this only is what he will reap.  8 For the one who sows to his flesh [his sinful capacity, his worldliness, his disgraceful impulses] will reap from the flesh ruin and destruction, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.” (AMP)

If You’re Struggling With Setting Boundaries Or Going No Contact With Your Narcissistic Parent

Many people have issues with setting boundaries or even severing ties with a narcissistic parent.  They say you are being mean, unreasonable, selfish.  In religious people, they may also throw in that you aren’t honoring your parent, & they quote Exodus 20:12 that tells us to honor our parents.  Or, in Asian cultures, they mention filial piety, which is respecting & caring for one’s parents being the highest of virtues.

People who say this sort of gibberish are either completely clueless or they’re narcissistic enablers.  Yet, in spite of that, sometimes victims are convinced that these imbeciles are right.  They stop using their boundaries, continue to tolerate the abuse, & are completely miserable.

If you are reading this & in this place of either wanting to set boundaries or go no contact with your narcissistic parent, but feel you are being selfish, mean, etc., you need to know that you are wrong!  I promise you that, & will show you why.

Although I don’t know much about religions other than Christianity, I do know that many of them seem to share one common belief, which basically boils down to, “you reap what you sow.”  Just look at what the Bible has to say about that…

 

• Proverbs 11:25 “The generous man [is a source of blessing and] shall be prosperous and enriched, And he who waters will himself be watered [reaping the generosity he has sown].” (AMP)
• Proverbs 19:19 “A man of great anger will bear the penalty [for his quick temper and lack of self-control];
  For if you rescue him [and do not let him learn from the consequences of his action], you will only have to rescue him over and over again.” (AMP)
• Proverbs 22:8 “He who sows injustice will reap [a harvest of] trouble,
  And the rod of his wrath [with which he oppresses others] will fail.” (AMP)
• Obadiah 15 “The day of the Lord is near for all nations.
  As you have done, it will be done to you; your deeds will return upon your own head.” (NIV)
• 2 Corinthians 9:6 “Now [remember] this: he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows generously [that blessings may come to others] will also reap generously [and be blessed].” (AMP)
• Galatians 6:7-8 “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked [He will not allow Himself to be ridiculed, nor treated with contempt nor allow His precepts to be scornfully set aside]; for whatever a man sows, this and this only is what he will reap.
  8 For the one who sows to his flesh [his sinful capacity, his worldliness, his disgraceful impulses] will reap from the flesh ruin and destruction, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.” (AMP)

 

These Scriptures prove that whatever a person does, good or bad, there are consequences.  It’s a natural part of life.

I realize as the child of a narcissistic parent or two, this feels so foreign.  After all, the child never should upset the parent, burden them with “trivial” things like their needs or let the parent face consequences of their terrible behavior.  However, this is so wrong!  God has made sure this reaping & sowing wisdom is mentioned repeatedly in His Word.  This has to be important to be mentioned many times, wouldn’t you agree?

If you think about this, I’m sure it’ll help you to realize that your boundaries or no contact aren’t you being an awful person, but simply the natural course of events.  That is what happened with me.  I felt bad for setting boundaries with my parents & going low contact. God reminded me of Galatians 6:7-8.  I thought about it & realized it made sense.  Every time I so much as started to feel guilty, I remembered that Scripture.  It was very encouraging!  So much so that I was finally able to go no contact with my parents.  I felt mostly sadness because this wasn’t how things should be, which I think is totally normal, but very little guilt.  Without realizing the principle of sowing & reaping, I don’t know if I could have gone no contact.  If I had, no doubt the guilt would have been about crippling!

Please consider this post if you are struggling with setting boundaries or going no contact with your narcissistic parent, Dear Reader.  You aren’t wrong, selfish, unreasonable, mean or anything else.  You have every right to do these things!

Some Lessons Learned From Relationships With Narcissists

Being in a relationship in any capacity with a narcissist is a learning experience.  In order to survive with your sanity in tact, naturally you need to learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It helps you to understand what was really happening & that contrary to what the narcissist in your life told you, the problems in the relationship weren’t your fault.  It also helps you to spot the early signs of a narcissist, so you won’t end up in a similar relationship again.

That being said though, there are other valuable lessons you can learn from a narcissistic relationship.

Responding instead of reacting is a very valuable skill!  Not only in relating with narcissists, but even with healthy people, responding is a good relationship skill.  Reacting is done in the heat of the moment & without thought. while responding is done after some consideration.  Narcissists love reacting because people will do or things when they react that they wouldn’t normally do if they had taken the time to consider their predicament.  This can prove to the narcissist that their victim is crazy, abusive or anything else they want to claim.  Healthy people don’t act this way of course, but even so, reacting can cause problems in even the healthiest of relationships.  It’s a good idea to stop for a second to take a deep breath, then release it slowly when you’re tempted to react.  This action calms anxiety & anger, & gives you a second to consider your response.

Boundaries are a very good thing.  Narcissists respect no one’s boundaries.  They feel they have every right to say & do anything they please.  Once a victim is away from this sort of behavior, they learn that boundaries really are a wonderful thing.  They also learn to appreciate people who have no problems with boundaries.

“No” can be an excellent way to figure out if a person is functional or not.  Narcissists can take the simple word no as a victim being rebellious, difficult, disrespectful & even abusive.  A functional person takes no as a boundary & they respect it.  If you want to see if the new relationship in your life is a healthy one, say no & see how the other person reacts.

People believe what they want to believe.  Human beings like things to be as we think they should be, & we can get upset when that perception is threatened.  A healthy, functional person will consider the evidence & even if it’s uncomfortable, go along with the change.  Dysfunctional people aren’t this wise.  They may refuse to face change.  This is never more evident than when there is evidence showing them that a narcissist isn’t the great person they think he or she is.  This is when they become especially vicious to the narcissist’s victim.  Many of these people don’t want to believe that person isn’t the great person they thought they were, possibly out of fear of looking foolish.  It’s more comfortable for them to believe the narcissist’s smear campaign of the victim rather than the victim sharing the truth about the narcissist.  Or, they could be gaining something from the narcissist- money, favor, etc.  Sometimes, they are victims of abuse by someone else, & when the victim speaks out against the narcissist, it triggers their own pain.  These people will do anything to shut down the victim so they can continue denying their own pain.  For victims in this situation, it’s best to avoid such people at all costs.

Let people think what they want.  Closely related to the last paragraph, one valuable lesson I’ve learned from relationships with narcissists is to let people think what they want.  Narcissists create their own version of victims that they believe is accurate.  Their flying monkeys & those close to them will believe whatever the narcissists tell them to believe about their victims.  No amount of work on the part of a victim can make any of these people believe anything they don’t want to believe.  In fact, trying to convince them of the truth most likely will make them think the victim is crazy & treat the victim even worse.  Why go through that?  Let them think whatever they want, & live your life however works for you.

Of course, there are more things I’ve learned.  What about you?  What have you learned from your relationship with a narcissist?

About Helping People

When you grow up with narcissistic parents, you’re trained from birth to do for them.  Do what?  Whatever they want.  It’s your job to please them in every way, to listen to them, to serve them… naturally this isn’t reciprocated because you aren’t important- only they are!

Once you’re an adult, this “you’re here to do for others” mentality sticks with you.  And, other people pick up on it.  Users & abusers can sniff this mentality out a mile away.  Other Christians can even pick up on it & use Scripture to back up why you should do for them or other people.

The truth is that no one can help everyone who crosses their path.  It’s too much!  You could ruin your physical & mental health, & even ruin yourself financially if you helped every single person who claims to have a need.  You truly need discernment & wisdom to know who God wants you to help, who He doesn’t, & who he simply wants you to pray for.

When you come across someone in need, the smartest thing you can do is pray.  Ask God for guidance, & to show you what this person’s position in your life is going to be.  Maybe it is to help that person in some way, but maybe it isn’t.  Maybe your position is simply to pray for that person or to guide them to someone who can help them.  Maybe you need to lead that person to Jesus.  Or, maybe you need to set boundaries & refuse to help this person because he or she tends to use people & needs a lesson in the fact not everyone is here to do for them.  Until & unless you ask God, you won’t know for sure.  So ask!  He will guide & help you!

Traits Of Unsafe People

Setting Healthy Boundaries Is Just The Start With Narcissists

When reading about how to recover from narcissistic abuse, you are guaranteed to see something about how you need to set & enforce healthy boundaries.  I think every author mentions it.  I know I have.  Repeatedly.  There is a problem with this however, & I am just as guilty as other authors of it.  We fail to mention that setting these boundaries is only the beginning, it’s not a guaranteed solution.  One of my favorite blog followers pointed this out recently & I thought I would cover the topic.

Setting healthy boundaries with anyone is a very good thing, especially with narcissists.  They need to be made aware that you will tolerate only so much from them.  Often though, this is where the trouble begins.

It’s empowering when you start setting those boundaries too, especially after years of tolerating anything they do.  They see their once meek victim gaining strength & realizing that they don’t have to tolerate abuse, which makes narcissists panic.  They seldom show that panic at first.  They may be so stunned to see you, their favorite punching bag, saying no, that they go along with the boundary.  As time goes on however, & more boundaries are set, the more unsettled the narcissist is.  You need to be prepared for what is going to happen.

Rather than respect boundaries like your average functional person, narcissists turn up the abuse.  Overt narcissists may rage loudly, as many do.  They may yell or call you names.  They may mock you, call you arrogant, selfish, stupid or other nasty things.  Covert narcissists, true to their nature, aren’t so brazen.  They may make snide, subtle comments, implying that you are arrogant, selfish, stupid, etc.  They may go all passive/aggressive & give you the silent treatment.  They may show they are angry with you in sneaky ways, yet deny feeling any anger.  They may  attempt to make you feel guilty or even ashamed of yourself for having any boundaries with them.  Most likely, the covert narcissist will fall into their favorite role, being a victim.  They will twist the situation around to where you look completely unreasonable or even abusive, & tell everyone how mean you are to them for no good reason whatsoever.

Whether the narcissist in your life is overt or covert, your response should be the same to their antics – show absolutely no emotion.  Any hint of emotion is nothing but narcissistic supply to narcissists.  Show them nothing, no matter what you are feeling inside.  Once you’re safely out of their presence, you need to deal with those emotions however works best for you, of course, but in their presence, be completely stoic.  That can be hard to do sometimes, I know, but remind yourself that it is for your best interest.  If you can be unemotional for the time you’re in the narcissist’s presence, it will help you in the long run.

When the narcissist tries to convince you how awful you are for setting your boundaries, it helps to have some responses ready.  What will your narcissist most likely say?  Think about stoic responses you can have.  Some examples are:

• “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
• “If you want to do that, that’s up to you.  I meant what I said though.  If you do it, I will *insert your consequence here*”
• “I didn’t ask for your opinion & don’t need it, but thanks anyway.”
• “You’re entitled to your opinion, but I am too.”

Another thing I found incredibly useful was to ask God for creative & effective ways to set boundaries.  When you say to a narcissist, “It hurts me when you do that.. please don’t do it anymore” that only makes them want to do that more.  You’ll need much more creative & effective ways than that, & God will give you such ideas.  He certainly did me.  My mother began to respect some of my boundaries, even though she clearly didn’t want to.  It was amazing!

When you have to enforce your boundaries with the narcissist, don’t back down.  Just keep in mind that setting them is just the beginning & be prepared for their resistance.  I know it can be scary at first, but you can do it!  

Setting Simple Boundaries With Narcissistic Parents

Ways To Identify Controlling People

Simple Ways To Set Boundaries With Narcissistic Parents

As I’ve said many times, my heart goes out to those in the position of being unable or unwilling to go no contact with their narcissistic parents.  You’re in a tough, tough place, & I understand since I’ve been there.  I want to help you if I can, & that is what today’s post is about.

There are some small, easy ways you can set boundaries with your narcissistic parent while not eliminating them from your life entirely.

For starters, reduce the amount of time you spend with your narcissistic parent.  Don’t visit or have your parent visit you as often.  Stop taking their calls every time they call.  Ask yourself if you feel up to dealing with your parent, & if not, don’t take that call or visit.

When you must visit or speak with your parent on the phone, set a time limit.  Don’t allow your narcissistic parent to waste half your day when that is so hard on you!  Set a limit, then say “I have to go” & go.

Also if you visit your narcissistic parent, have a way out.  Plan something to do so you only have a limited time to spend with your parent.  If you can’t think of something, say you just remembered something you have to take care of & go.  It’s not a lie- you remembered you have to take care of yourself!

Remember to keep the conversation away from you.  Your love life, in-laws, job, troubles & even your mental & physical health should be off the table for topics to discuss with your narcissistic parent.  Giving any narcissist personal information is just asking for trouble such as criticism & unasked for, useless advice.  Change the subject if your parent wants or demands to know something personal about you.  If all else fails, ask your parent about something that matters to her.  Chances are excellent she’ll drop the matter at the opportunity to talk about herself.

If you’re dependent even slightly on your narcissistic parent financially, find ways to put an end to it.  Narcissists love controlling their adult children with money, so remove that tool if at all possible.  If not, then at least find ways to reduce the amount.

If you have pets or kids, have strict boundaries in place.  It is your job to protect them & that includes from abusive & narcissistic parents.

When it’s time to set boundaries with your parent, remain calm.  Show no emotion, simply state the facts.  Any signs you are upset will fuel your narcissistic parent’s behavior.  Stay calm, state your boundary & the consequence of your parent not respecting the boundary, then enforce it if necessary.

If you’re friends on social media, unfollow your narcissistic parent.  You will remain friends, but you won’t see her posts which can reduce stress.

If you must go somewhere with your narcissistic parent, drive separately.  That way, you are free to leave at any time if need be.  Also, cars are a great weapon for some narcissists.  There is no escape- you have to put up with whatever they do when you’re in a car together.   My mother loved having me trapped in her car, & used it to scream at me when I was a kid or belittle me as an adult.

Always remember the Gray Rock Method.  Think about what gives your narcissistic parent narcissistic supply, & refuse to provide it.  Basically, you need to be boring to her.  Don’t admire her.  Don’t praise her.  Don’t get angry at her so she can portray herself as the victim.  Don’t coddle her.  Don’t share anything personal about yourself that she could use against you or as fuel to spread lies about you.  Don’t empathize with her if someone has hurt her.  Show no real interest in her problems.  If she needs your assistance with something, do the bare minimum, don’t go above & beyond.  Gray Rock can be hard at first because every tiny thing can provide narcissistic supply, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Lastly, pray & pray often.  Ask God to help you cope with your narcissistic parent, to give you the right words to say, & to give you effective, creative ways to cope with her behavior.  He will NOT disappoint you!