Some Truths About Healing From Abuse

Abuse is a traumatic experience that can leave lasting scars on a person’s mind, body, & soul.  While some people believe that victims of abuse can heal completely, the reality is that some things are impossible to heal from in a lifetime.  Unfortunately, many victims are made to feel as though they’re doing something wrong if they don’t heal or if God doesn’t deliver them.  However, the Bible tells us that God will continue to perfect & complete us until the day of Christ.  In the meantime, we can find comfort in knowing that God is with us, even in the darkest of times.

As a victim of abuse myself, I know firsthand the struggles of healing & the pressure to heal quickly & completely.  However, I also know that there should be no timetable for healing & that it’s not a linear process. 

When I first began my healing journey, I felt immense pressure to heal completely & quickly.  I thought that if I just prayed hard enough or tried hard enough, I would be able to erase all the pain of the trauma that I had experienced.  When that didn’t happen, I felt ashamed of my weakness & lack of faith.  However, as time went on, I realized that healing is not quick & easy, each person’s healing journey is unique,  there is no right or wrong way to heal & how you heal isn’t an accurate way to measure your faith in God.

It’s also disturbingly common for people to believe that healing means completely forgetting about the past or never feeling pain again.  However, this is wrong & damaging to victims.  Healing is about learning to live with the past & finding ways to cope with the pain.  It’s about developing resilience & self-compassion, even in the midst of our struggles.

The pressure to heal completely can be harmful & counterproductive.  It can lead to feelings of shame & inadequacy, which can further delay the healing process.  It’s important to have a healthier view of healing.

Self-compassion is a vital aspect of the healing journey.  It involves treating ourselves with the same kindness, concern, & understanding that we would offer to anyone we love.  Self-compassion allows us to acknowledge our pain without judgment & to be patient & gentle with ourselves as we navigate our healing journey.

For many victims of abuse, faith can play a significant role in the healing process, but that doesn’t mean if you just have enough faith, God will heal you completely.  He may do that sometimes but the majority of times, He helps you to work out your healing.  One of the most powerful Scriptures is Psalm 23:4.  In the Amplified Bible, it tells us, “Even though I walk through the [sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] & Your staff [to guide], they comfort & console me.”  This verse is a wonderful reminder that God is with us, even in the darkest of times.  We don’t have to go through our struggles alone & God is there to guide & comfort us.  As a side note, faith also can provide a sense of purpose & meaning in our struggles.  It helps us to see our pain as a part of a larger plan & to trust that God will use our experiences for good. 

Healing from abuse is a complex & challenging process.  It’s important to remember that healing is not a destination but a journey, & there is no right or wrong way to heal.  The pressure to heal completely can be harmful & counterproductive, & it’s essential to show ourselves kindness & compassion throughout the process.  It’s important to remember that God will help us to heal, there is no timeline on healing, & no one has the right to judge your healing journey.

Some Causes Of Resentment In Marriage

Have you ever felt resentment in your marriage?  You’re not alone.  Resentment can arise from various sources, & today, we will explore some common causes of resentment in marriage. 

Resentment is a complex emotion that can stem from various factors.  It is not solely the result of one person’s actions or shortcomings.  Marriage is a two way street, & both partners can contribute to the dynamics that can lead to resentment. 

One of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship is not feeling like your spouse prioritizes you.  This feeling of being overlooked can be particularly painful for victims of narcissistic abuse, who struggle with low self esteem, but it is painful for anyone.

Compromise is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship.  It allows both partners to find common ground & make decisions that benefit the overall well being of the relationship.  The concept of selflessness can sometimes blur the lines between being taken advantage of & healthy compromise.  You may find yourself constantly putting your own needs aside to accommodate your spouse’s desires, leaving you feeling unfulfilled & dismissed.  When one person consistently finds themselves making the majority of sacrifices, it breeds resentment & feelings of unfairness.

Feeling taken for granted can be incredibly disheartening, leading to resentment & emotional distance in a relationship.  When you strive to show kindness & appreciation towards others, it becomes very challenging when you don’t receive the same treatment in return.

In situations like this, it’s important to express your feelings & needs.  Healthy relationships require both partners to be willing to understand & acknowledge each other’s needs.  An open conversation can lead towards finding a balance that respects both spouses’ desires.  Make a time to sit down together & discuss your relationship, without distractions, when you both are calm & able to talk comfortably & openly.

Most importantly, pray.  Pray for your spouse & your marriage.  Pray to know God’s will for your life & marriage.  Pray for wisdom.  Pray with your spouse too, not only alone, if they are willing to do this.  

If you are in the miserable situation of having a narcissistic spouse, I know such suggestion will not work due to their lack of empathy & desire to do anything for anyone if it can’t benefit them.  In such a case, I don’t believe there is anything you can say or do to make them want to stop treating you this way.

Resentment can be a challenging emotion to navigate.  By understanding some common causes of resentment, you can begin to address these issues & work towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.  Remember, it’s important to approach these conversations with empathy & a willingness to listen to your partner’s perspective.  Relationships require effort from both partners, & by fostering open communication & mutual understanding, you can create a stronger foundation for addressing & overcoming resentment.

Lesser Known Panic Attack Symptoms

As someone with anxiety, I know firsthand how debilitating panic attacks can be.  They can come on suddenly & leave you feeling completely overwhelmed & out of control.  While many people are familiar with the more common symptoms of panic attacks, such as rapid heartbeat & shortness of breath, there are other lesser-known symptoms that can be just as difficult.  Today, we’ll explore some of these lesser-known symptoms & what you can do to manage them.

While most people are aware of some symptoms of panic attacks, such as sweating & trembling, there are other symptoms that are less well-known.  One of these is a heightened acuteness of the senses, which can involve feeling overwhelmed by noise or bright lights.  Sometimes the feeling of being sick, with sweating & chills that can feel similar to having the flu happens too.

Other physical symptoms of panic attacks are muscle tension & trembling.  This can be particularly distressing, as it can make you feel like you are losing control of your body.  To manage this symptom, grounding yourself can be helpful.  Focus on your surroundings & remind yourself this is simply a panic attack.  It doesn’t mean you’re in any sort of danger.

In addition to physical symptoms, panic attacks can also manifest in cognitive symptoms, such as the inability to think clearly.  This can make it difficult to focus or make decisions, which can be particularly problematic if you are in a stressful situation.

Another cognitive symptom of panic attacks is dissociation, which involves feeling like you are not fully in your body.  This can be a scary experience, but it’s important to remember that it is a natural response to stress & anxiety. 

If you find yourself struggling with cognitive symptoms during a panic attack, try grounding techniques.  These involve focusing on your surroundings & using your senses to bring yourself back to the present moment.  Things that are impossible for your senses to ignore can be the most helpful.  Touching a very coarse or soft fabric, holding an ice cube, listening to loud music or smelling a strong scent like lavender are some examples.  Lavender also is known to have calming properties, which is why it’s commonly used in aromatherapy.

Dealing with the symptoms of panic attacks can be challenging, but there are some ways to cope that can be helpful.  One of the most important things you can do is to take care of yourself on a daily basis.  Live a healthy lifestyle, don’t let yourself become too busy & take plenty of time to relax.

Learning what grounding techniques work best for you is helpful too.  Try different ones, & keep things that help you with you at all times.  For example, keep a small vial of lavender essential oil or rough cloth in your pocket.

It’s also important to remember that these symptoms are a natural response to stress & anxiety.  While they feel uncomfortable, they are not harmful & will eventually pass. 

Finally, consider seeking professional help if you are struggling to manage your anxiety on your own.  A therapist or counselor can teach you coping skills & provide support as you work to overcome your anxiety.

The Impact Of Enmeshed Mothers On Men

Enmeshment occurs when a mother fails to establish healthy emotional boundaries with her child.  She treats him more like a partner than her child, expecting him to care for her instead of the other way around.  This toxic & abusive behavior leads to a tremendous amount of dysfunction that continues into adulthood.  Today, we’ll focus on how it affects men specifically.

For men with such mothers, carrying the deep insecurity enmeshment causes becomes the norm, affecting their relationships in profound ways.  Any perceived threat of abandonment terrifies them, & even the slightest criticism wounds them to the core.  As a result, they lash out, pushing people away.  It is vital for men to recognize the truth of their toxic upbringing & acknowledge the abuse inflicted upon them so they can begin the journey towards healing.

Enmeshed mothers use love & affection as a tool for control, leaving their sons in a constant state of uncertainty.  These mothers intertwine their lives with their sons’, blurring the lines between their own identities & those of their children.  This manifests in various ways, such as excessive emotional dependence, over involvement in their sons’ lives, & a lack of boundaries.

Within this suffocating environment, a man’s sense of self becomes intertwined with his mother’s approval & love.  He learns to constantly seek validation from her, never sure if he will receive it.  This insecurity seeps into his relationships, & he does not trust that others genuinely care for him.  The fear of abandonment or rejection becomes consuming.

Enmeshed mothers are extremely manipulative.  She uses guilt or passive aggressive tactics to keep her son close, ensuring he remains dependent on her.  This manipulation makes the son’s insecurity grow, making him increasingly vulnerable to her control.

The insecurity instilled by an enmeshed mother has a profound impact on a man’s ability to form & maintain healthy relationships.  The fear of abandonment & rejection makes his need for constant validation overwhelming.  No one can meet such a need, & when they fail, he becomes disappointed with them. 

Enmeshed mothers naturally hate their son’s wives, viewing them as competition, so they often make matters worse by insulting her to him & treating her very badly.  This  creates problems within the son’s marriage.

Also, any perceived criticism, no matter how minor or how gently said, wounds these men deeply.  They react with anger or defensiveness.  This defensive behavior further distances them from their partners, leading to conflict & emotional withdrawal.

Many partners decide to leave, & the fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces the man’s belief that he is unworthy of love & incapable of maintaining relationships.

Recognizing the truth about enmeshment is essential for victims of enmeshed mothers.  They need to understand that the shame lies with the mother for the abuse she inflicted, not with the son.  Accepting this truth allows men to shed false guilt & begin their healing.

Prayer is absolutely vital on this journey.  God knows more than any human, & can help victims like no one else can.  He has helped & taught me more than I can describe on my healing journey, & will do the same for anyone!

Seeking therapy can teach men to set & maintain boundaries, establish their own identities, & build a foundation of self worth that is independent of their mothers’ opinions.

Online communities or support groups can help men learn & heal from the abuse as well as find friends who understand. These connections also remind men that they are not alone.  I have a Facebook group called “Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug” with several members who have experienced exactly this situation.

Men who grew up with enmeshed mothers face unique challenges in their relationships due to their abusive upbringing.  However, healing is possible.  There is no shame in admitting the abuse.  The shame lies solely with these toxic mothers.  It is time for these victimized men to reclaim their identities & break free from the chains of enmeshment.

For Those Whose Relatives Severed Ties With Your Family

Family is supposed to be a source of love, support, & comfort.  Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.  For some people, their family members are toxic & abusive.  They treat you cruelly, manipulate you, or even are violent towards you.  When you’ve tried everything to make the relationship work, but it’s only led to more pain & hurt, cutting ties with your family is usually the only option left.  It’s a difficult decision to make & one that’s often met with judgment & criticism from others.  For those who have been through it, it’s a necessary step towards healing & protecting yourself.

People who cut ties with their family members almost never do so impulsively.  They put in countless hours of praying, feeling hurt & angry, crying, looking for other solutions, sacrificing their peace of mind to stay a part of the family, & questioning themselves before realizing there’s no other option.  They have tried for years, only to be hurt over & over.  Eventually, they realize they can’t do it any longer, & that’s when they finally cut all contact.

This decision comes with an emotional toll that’s difficult to describe.  Imagine having to cut ties with someone you’ve known your entire life, the person who’s supposed to always be there for you.  It’s like a death, but worse because the person is still alive.  You mourn the loss of the relationship & the family you thought you had.  You feel guilty for cutting them off.  You wonder if you’re making the right decision.  You worry about what others will think of you.  You feel like you’re losing a part of yourself.

It’s not a decision that’s made lightly, & it’s not one that’s made without pain.  People who cut ties with their family members go through a grieving process, & it’s not something that happens quickly.  It takes time, patience, & support from others to heal from the pain.

As if the emotional toll wasn’t enough, those who cut ties with their family members are often judged, criticized, mocked, shamed,  & more because they chose to protect themselves from toxic people.  People like this have their priorities completely backwards!  They celebrate tolerating abuse & shame walking away from abusers, especially when the abusers are family.

One of the biggest misconceptions is that cutting ties with family members is an easy way out.  People who believe this fail to understand the complexity of toxic relationships.  They don’t understand the amount of time & effort that goes into trying to make the relationship work.  They don’t understand the emotional toll it takes on a person to be in a toxic relationship.  They don’t understand the courage it takes to cut ties with your family members knowing that you will face intense backlash for doing so.

Another misconception is that cutting ties with family members is a selfish act.  People who believe this fail to understand the importance of self-care & self-preservation.  They don’t understand that toxic relationships lead to depression, anxiety, PTSD & potentially even suicide.  They don’t understand that cutting ties with family members may be the only way to protect yourself from further harm.

It’s important to understand that cutting ties with family members is not a decision that’s made lightly.  People who do this have exhausted all other options & have come to the conclusion that it’s the best decision for their mental health & wellbeing.

If you’re someone who has cut ties with your family members, know that you’re not alone.  It’s a difficult decision to make, but it’s one that’s often necessary for your mental health & wellbeing.  If you’re someone who hasn’t gone through this experience, it’s important to recognize the complexity of the decision & the emotional toll it takes on a person.  It’s not an easy way out, & it’s not a selfish act.  It’s a courageous step towards healing & protecting yourself.

Remember, if your family members are toxic & abusive, it’s ok to cut ties with them.  It’s ok to prioritize your mental health & well being.  It’s ok to protect yourself from further harm.

Honoring Abusive Parents Is Possible But Not Always What People Think It Should Be

I have been accused countless times of failing to honor my parents & even hating them because of the topics of my writing.  However, that’s not true.  God has shown me that honoring  parents is very possible, but it is not always what people think it is.  It is about respecting their position in your life, treating them respectfully, wanting the best for them, & appreciating any good in them. 

As a Christian & a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have struggled with this concept for a long time.  Thankfully, God showed me how to honor my parents even after cutting off contact with them.

When we think of honoring our parents, many people associate it with blind obedience & complete submission to their will even as adults with our own lives.  However, this inaccurate view is very harmful, especially in cases of abusive parents.  Honoring parents does not mean tolerating abuse or sacrificing our own well being. 

For me, honoring my parents means acknowledging their role as my parents & recognizing the impact they had on my life, both positive & negative.  It meant accepting that they were flawed individuals who made very poor choices, but they still influenced who I am today. 

Respecting their position in my life also meant setting boundaries & prioritizing my own well being.  It meant recognizing that I deserved to be treated with love, kindness, & respect, just like anyone else.  By doing so, I was able to honor them by encouraging them to treat me better with consequences for my healthy boundaries.

After my parents passed away, I struggled with the idea of honoring their memory.  It felt strange at first to appreciate their positive contributions while acknowledging the pain they caused.  Especially because their deaths brought back so many bad memories.  Honoring their memory did not mean condoning their actions or excusing their abuse.

One way I found to honor my parents was by appreciating the things they taught me.  My father, for example, taught me about cars.  Despite the difficult relationship we had, I still appreciate all he taught me & I love cars.  It was a way of acknowledging his influence on my life while doing something I genuinely enjoyed.

Similarly, my mother taught me to crochet when I was five years old.  Crocheting became a favorite hobby of mine that I still enjoy.  After her passing, I stumbled upon a pretty doily she made & a second that she had started but never finished.  I decided to complete it as a way of honoring her.  It was a bittersweet experience that allowed me to appreciate the skill she gave me & the joy I found in crocheting.  A picture of them is at the bottom of this post.

Honoring parents is a complex & deeply personal journey, especially for those who have experienced narcissistic abuse.  It is possible to redefine honor & respect in a way that prioritizes our own well being while acknowledging the role our parents played in our lives.  Finding ways to appreciate the skills they taught us or engaging in activities they influenced, can be a meaningful way to honor them without compromising our own healing.

Cleaning Out Your Parents’ Home After Their Deaths

Many of you who follow my work are fellow Gen Xers.  This means that many of us are at the stage in life where we are faced with the inevitable loss of our parents.  It’s a painful & emotional process that often involves cleaning out their home.  This task is often much harder than expected, no matter the relationship with one’s parents.  Not only do many items hold sentimental value, but we also realize that we will never again receive any gifts from our parents.  Despite the complicated relationship we may have had with them, the process of letting go of their belongings can be overwhelming.  Today, I want to share the lessons I learned from my experience & offer tips for handling those complicated items.

In my experience, one crucial aspect of this journey is seeking guidance from God.  Turning to God & asking for His guidance absolutely will bring comfort & clarity in the midst of such an emotional process.  He helped me to figure out what to keep, what to sell, what to donate, & what to give to which family members.  That help was invaluable since I had absolutely no idea what to do with anything!

When we begin cleaning out our parents’ home, we are faced with a multitude of items that hold sentimental value.  Each object carries a memory, a story, & a connection to our parents.  It can be tempting to hold onto every item, fearing that letting go means losing them forever.  Or, if your relationship with your parents was toxic, it can be tempting to throw every single item in the trash.  However, as difficult as it may be, it’s important to find balance.

One approach I found helpful was to enjoy the special items rather than simply storing them away.  For example, if your parents had a collection of vintage records, take the time to listen to them & relish in the nostalgia they bring.  Displaying sentimental items, such as photographs or heirlooms, can also help create a space that honors their memory while keeping clutter at bay.  And, if you find certain items trigger painful memories, if those items still are useful, find them a home with someone who will use & enjoy them.  Again using the record collection as an example, if you know someone who shared your parents’ taste in music, give them the records.

Furthermore, if you find yourself unsure about whether to keep an item or not, it’s a good idea to hold onto it until you feel more clarity.  Grief is a complex process, & it takes time to sort through our emotions & make good decisions.  Trust your instincts & give yourself the time to heal before making final choices about what to keep & what to let go whenever you have doubts.

As we go through the process of cleaning out our parents’ home, it’s crucial to set reasonable limits.  After all, they are essential for maintaining a clutter free & anxiety free environment.  Ask yourself if each item will bring you joy or serve a practical purpose.  If the answer is no, consider donating or selling it, knowing that someone else may find value in it.

Remember, clutter can cause anxiety.  It’s important to honor our parents’ memory, but it’s equally important to create a home that reflects who we are & the life we want to live.

During this process, it’s normal to feel guilty or conflicted about letting go of certain items.  However, it’s essential to remind ourselves that the memory of our parents is not tied to physical possessions.  Letting go of material possessions can be a way of honoring them while creating our own path.

For those of us who have had a complicated relationship with our parents, cleaning out their home naturally stirs up a mix of emotions.  It’s important to acknowledge & process these feelings as we go through their belongings.  Pray & seek support from safe people who let you share your experiences & emotions.

Remember, this process is an opportunity to reflect on lessons learned, the growth achieved, & healing.  By approaching the task with wisdom & understanding, we can find peace & resolution.

The Importance Of Empathy In Times Of Need

A few years ago, my friend posted on Facebook that he was in the emergency room.  As soon as he posted, several of his friends replied with their own horror stories of having the same issue.  Others commented with, “cheer up…  it could be worse” type comments.  Not one person offered to visit him, help him when he recovered, or even said they hoped he felt better soon besides me.  I realized how commonplace this type of behavior is & just how wrong it is.  Romans 12:15 in the Amplified Bible says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice [sharing others’ joy], & weep with those who weep [sharing others’ grief]”.  People need this in their lives, not selfish & thoughtless behavior.

Empathy is the ability to understand & share the feelings of another person.  It is the foundation of healthy relationships, & it is essential for all humans to cultivate empathy in their daily lives.  Empathy means that we are willing to put ourselves in another person’s shoes & understand their experiences, feelings, & needs.  It is about being present & supportive without judgment or criticism.

Empathy is not the same as sympathy.  Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone, while empathy is feeling with someone.  Sympathy can be condescending, while empathy is respectful & compassionate.  Empathy requires that we open ourselves up to the emotions of others & seek to understand them fully.

Empathy helps us connect with others on a deeper level.  When we empathize with someone, we build trust, respect, & understanding.  It also helps us to be more patient & tolerant with others, even when we disagree with them.

As Christians, empathy is a huge part of our faith.  We are called to love one another as ourselves, & empathy is an essential part of that love.  Jesus himself modeled empathy when he wept with Mary & Martha over the death of their brother, Lazarus in John 11:35.  He also showed empathy when He healed the sick, fed the hungry, & forgave sinners.

Empathy also helps us to be more Christ-like.  When we empathize with others, we are following the example of compassion & love Jesus gave us during His time on Earth.  It helps us to live out our faith in practical ways, such as visiting the sick, caring for the poor, & comforting those who are grieving.

Also, empathy helps us to build relationships with people who are different from us.  It helps us to see beyond our own biases & prejudices, & to understand the experiences & perspectives of others.  This is essential for building a diverse & inclusive community that reflects the love of God.

If you feel you need to improve in the empathy department, don’t worry!  Empathy can be developed over time by following the simple steps below. 

Listen actively:  This means paying attention to what they are saying, asking questions, & clarifying your understanding.  It shows that you value them & their experiences.

Practice perspective-taking:  Put yourself in the other person’s shoes & try to see things from their perspective. 

Avoid judgment:   This means avoiding criticism, blame, or condemnation.  You can disapprove of the behavior while still treating the person with love & respect.

Show compassion:  Be kind, caring, & supportive.  Show people that you care about their well-being & that you are there for them when they need you.

By cultivating empathy in our daily lives, we can live out our faith in practical ways & reflect the love of God to those around us.

For Those Who Think Narcissists Shouldn’t Have To Face Consequences

As a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have often heard people say that narcissists shouldn’t have to face consequences for their actions.  They argue that it’s not fair to punish someone for being cruel when they have a personality disorder or because they had a hard life or some other equally lame excuse.  However, as a Christian, I believe that everyone is accountable for their actions, regardless of their mental health status.  In fact, the Bible speaks about the importance of consequences & correction.  Psalm 141:5 in the Amplified Bible says, “Let the righteous [thoughtfully] strike (correct) me—it is a kindness [done to encourage my spiritual maturity].  It is [the choicest anointing] oil on the head; Let my head not refuse [to accept & acknowledge & learn from] it; For still my prayer is against their wicked deeds.”

One of the main reasons why narcissists should face consequences for their actions is accountability.  Without consequences, there is no incentive to change behavior.  It’s important for everyone to be held accountable for their actions, not only for the sake of those they have hurt, but also for their own wellbeing & growth.  While narcissists almost never change, at least consequences set the stage for that possibility.

Furthermore, consequences are a form of justice.  When someone does something wrong, it’s only right that they face the consequences of their actions.  This is not about revenge or punishment, but about restoring balance & order.  When a narcissist is allowed to get away with their behavior endlessly, it sends the message that their actions are acceptable.  This is especially damaging to victims who may struggle with feelings of worthlessness or self blame.

Finally, consequences can also serve as a deterrent for future bad behavior.  When someone faces the unpleasant consequences of their actions, it sends a message to others that similar behavior will not be tolerated.  Even narcissists do get that message through consequences sometimes.

As Christians, we are called to forgive others as God has forgiven us.  This can be challenging when dealing with narcissistic abusers who have caused so much pain & trauma.  However, forgiveness does not mean letting go of justice or accountability.  Rather, it means entrusting the situation to God, & releasing the person from expectations of an apology or repaying us for the damage they did.

Forgiveness also does not mean that the relationship with the abuser is automatically restored.  That should require repentance, humility, & a willingness to change.  When a person is not willing to acknowledge their wrongdoing & change, the relationship can’t be restored. 

As Christians, we are called to love all people, including narcissists.  Love is not always about feeling warm, caring feelings, which is good since it’s impossible to feel that way towards anyone who deliberately traumatizes you.  That love can be as simple as praying for them – for God to meet whatever needs they have, to bless them & most importantly, to turn their hearts & minds to Him.  I know how hard this can be, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.  And when it’s hard, tell God!  He knows anyway so just be honest.  I have prayed “I don’t want to pray for them but I know You want me to, so that’s the only reason I’m doing this” many times, & not once was God ever angry with me for it.

At the same time, we must also set healthy boundaries & protect ourselves from further harm.  This means limiting our interactions with them or even going no contact.  Such things are loving & Godly.

Never ever let anyone make you feel badly for giving a narcissist consequences for abusing you. Whether or not the narcissist learns & grows from the experience, at least you have done the right thing by giving them an environment that encourages such things. The rest is up to them.

What Exactly Is Self Love?

It’s easy to throw around the term “self love” these days, but what does it really mean?  Is it just bubble baths & pep talking yourself?  Or, is it something much deeper?  Self love is not just a feel-good buzzword.  It’s a way of life that can help you live a more fulfilling & authentic life. 

Self love starts with being your authentic self.  This means embracing who you truly are, flaws & all.  It means not trying to be someone else to please others or fit in.  It means being honest with yourself & others about your feelings, thoughts, & beliefs.  When you are your authentic self, you are living in alignment with your values & priorities.  Being your authentic self can be scary, especially if you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse.  It means putting yourself out there & risking rejection.  It’s worth it though.  When you are true to yourself, you attract people who accept & appreciate you for who you really are.  You also feel more confident & self-assured.

To become more authentic, start by reflecting on who you truly are.  Ask yourself some questions like, what are your values, passions, & priorities?  What makes you unique? Then, start showing up as that person in your daily life.  Speak up when you have something to say.  Embrace your quirks.  Pursue your passions.  The more you embrace your authentic self, the more self love you will cultivate.

We all make mistakes.  It’s a natural part of being human.  When we beat ourselves up for those mistakes, we are not practicing self love.  Part of self love is forgiving yourself for your mistakes & moving on.  Forgiveness is not about excusing bad behavior or pretending that everything is ok.  It’s about acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility for your actions, & moving forward in a positive direction.  When you forgive yourself, you release the negative emotions that are holding you back & create space for self love & growth.

To forgive yourself, start by acknowledging your mistakes.  Take responsibility for what happened & apologize if necessary to others & even to yourself.  Then, focus on what you can learn from the experience & how you can grow from it.  Remember that mistakes are often opportunities for growth & self-improvement.

Self love also means taking care of your mental & physical health.  This includes getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, & taking care of your emotional well being.

Self care is not selfish.  It’s essential for your overall health & well-being.  When you take care of yourself, you have more energy, feel stronger mentally & physically, & are better able to handle stress & challenges.

Practice mindfulness to reduce stress & improve your emotional well being.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  Whether it’s seeing a therapist or reaching out to a friend, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Self love is not a one time event or only one thing you can do for yourself.  It’s a lifelong journey of self discovery, growth, & acceptance.  When you practice self love, you are living a life that is true to your values & priorities.  You are living a life that is fulfilling, joyful, & authentic.

Today, I want to encourage you to take the first step on your journey of self love.  Embrace your authentic self.  Forgive yourself for your mistakes.  Take care of your mental & physical health.  Always remember, self love is not selfish.  It’s essential.

Understanding Your Emotional State After Abuse

Living through abuse can be one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through.  Abuse victims often experience ongoing trauma, such as growing up with abusive parents & later marrying an abusive man or woman.  This means that they can be left feeling overwhelmed & exhausted by their horrific experiences.  It can be easy to become frustrated with yourself for not being able to “bounce back” quickly.  It’s important to remember that humans were not designed to experience trauma, & it’s completely normal for it to make you feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning.

It’s equally important to be gentle & kind with yourself, but in particular after experiencing trauma.  Always remember that it’s not a sign of weakness to feel traumatized, or even develop PTSD or C-PTSD.  It’s a sign that you are a human being with feelings, & that you have experienced something that is incredibly difficult to process.

I firmly believe that a relationship with God is vital, & invaluable with helping a person to heal after experiencing abuse.  He is so loving & gentle, & gladly will offer you all the comfort you need, guide you in ways to help yourself to heal, give you strength when you feel weak & anything else you need.

There will be times when you don’t function well either mentally or physically after trauma, & that is normal.  It doesn’t mean you’re weak, flawed or crazy.  In fact, it’s a sign of strength that you are still standing & doing your best to manage despite all that you’ve been through!  Don’t be mad at yourself for these times that you may experience, because it will only make you feel worse.  Instead, take a moment to recognize & honor the strength that you have.

In order to heal, it’s important to take the time to fully process your pain.  This can be done through prayer, journaling, talking to a trusted friend, seeking out professional help with someone educated in trauma recovery or a combination of all of these things.  Taking the time to process your pain can help to reduce the intensity of your emotions, which will allow you to move through your trauma in a healthier way.

It’s also important to recognize that healing doesn’t happen overnight.  It’s a process that takes a lot of time, often even a lifetime.

It can be difficult to be patient & kind with yourself when you feel overwhelmed & exhausted by trauma. However, always  remember that you are a strong person who is capable of healing with God’s help.  Remind yourself that He is on your side, that you are doing the best you can & that it’s ok to have times when you struggle more than other times.

It also is important to practice good self care. Take some time for yourself often to do things that make you feel good & bring you joy.  This could be anything – taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, reading a book or watching a movie.  Taking the time to focus on yourself & your own needs helps to reduce stress & makes it easier to manage your trauma.

Living through trauma is an incredibly difficult experience & it can be easy to become overwhelmed by the experience. It’s important to remember that humans weren’t designed to experience trauma & it’s normal to feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning. It’s not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength that you survived something so traumatic. It’s important to be gentle & kind with yourself & to take the time to fully process your pain. By taking care of yourself, you can move through your trauma in a healthier way.

Never Let Someone Dysfunctional Or Abusive Determine Your Reality

For years, I had let other people’s words & actions determine my reality, including dysfunctional & abusive people who made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.  I realized that I needed to take control of my own reality & not let others dictate how I saw myself or the world around me.

Dysfunctional people come in all shapes & sizes.  They can be abusive partners, toxic family members, or even just negative friends.  Regardless of their role in our lives, they all have one thing in common: their reality is often skewed.  They see the world through a lens of dysfunction, & this can have a profound impact on those around them.

For example, an abusive partner may constantly put their partner down, telling them that they are worthless & unlovable.  This can cause the victim to internalize these messages & start to believe them.  They may start to see themselves as unattractive, unintelligent, & unworthy of love.  This is what I experienced during my first marriage.

Similarly, a toxic family member may constantly create drama & chaos.  They may manipulate situations & people in order to get what they want, causing those around them to question their own perceptions of what is right & wrong.

It can be incredibly difficult to break free from the hold that dysfunctional people have on our lives.  However, it is crucial that we take steps to do so in order to protect our mental health & well-being.  Following are some tips for taking control of your own reality.

Pray.  Ask God to give you wisdom & discernment.  This is very simple but also tremendously helpful.

Set Boundaries. One of the most important things you can do is set boundaries with dysfunctional people.  This means letting them know what behaviors are not acceptable & giving them consequences if they continue to engage in those behaviors. 

Seek Support.  Surround yourself with people who are genuine & supportive.  This can include friends, family members, or even a therapist.  Having a healthy support system can help you see reality more clearly & provide you with the strength & courage you need to break free from dysfunctional relationships.

Practice Self-Care. Taking care of yourself is crucial, but especially so when dealing with dysfunctional people.  It can be easy to get caught up in their drama & forget about your own needs.  Make sure to prioritize self-care activities that you enjoy.

Breaking free from the hold that dysfunctional people have on our lives can be a difficult process.  However, it is worth it in order to live a life that is true to ourselves. 

Be patient with yourself.  Healing takes time, & it is important to be gentle with yourself as you navigate this process.  Celebrate even the smallest victories & don’t be too hard on yourself when things are difficult.  Also remember there will be times you make mistakes as you heal.  Remind yourself that is normal for any type of healing so don’t beat yourself up over it.  Learn from your mistakes & move on,

Finally, know that you deserve to live a life that is healthy & true.  Never let someone dysfunctional determine your reality.  You have the power to take control of your own life, so do it!

What It Really Means When Narcissists Accuse And Insult Their Victims

Narcissists are masters at something called projection.  Basically, this is when they accuse someone of doing things that they truly haven’t done, but the narcissist does on a regular basis.  For example, a narcissist who accuses you of lying is most likely a liar. 

Until you know about what they are doing, it can be tough to handle this sort of behavior.  It’s painful & baffling when you are accused of doing things that you never have done or, in many cases, never even considered doing.  I know, since I’ve been there.  When I was in my late teens, some of the things my mother accused me of doing were astonishing because they never even crossed my mind. 

Another thing narcissists project onto their victims are their own insecurities.  The narcissist who feels unattractive will call their victim ugly, or the narcissist who is insecure about their intelligence tells their victim often how stupid they are.  When a narcissist does this often enough & with such conviction, victims usually take their cruel words to heart.  Again, I know as I’ve done this too.  This is how I ended up battling anorexia at age 10.  My mother constantly told me how fat I was, & at that young age, the only way I thought I could lose weight was to stop eating.

Today, I want to encourage those of you who have been in this situation, or are still in it. 

A helpful piece of advice I can give you is this.. when a narcissist accuses you of something you have done or said something negative about you, think about it for a moment.  Ask yourself what evidence is there that what they said is accurate?  Chances are, there is none.  Then, consider the narcissist.  Has he or she ever shown signs of either doing or wanting to do the thing they said you did?  I bet there is some evidence, even a small amount, that they have done that thing.  Or, if the narcissist insulted you, think about them.  Did the narcissist call you stupid, yet acts as if they know it all, for example?  My ex husband frequently let me know he thought he was supremely intelligent & I was stupid, & he acted as if he knew everything.  Looking back, I realize what appeared to be confidence was simply concealing the fact he knew I was smarter than he was.  By acting like he was smarter than me, he made me believe that was true.  Narcissists often do this sort of thing with projection.

If you are unsure of answers to such questions, then ask God for help.  Ask Him to show you the truth about the situation, because He will be more than happy to do so.  In fact, do it whether or not you are sure of the answers, because He gladly will show you all that you need to know, even things that you have missed.

Remember that when a narcissist projects or insults you, they are giving you insight into themselves.  They are telling you things that they will do & areas where they feel badly about themselves.  They aren’t saying such things because they are true.  Far from it.  This is how they process their flaws & insecurities.  By accusing you of these things, it allows them to be angry about their own problems while accepting no responsibility for them or working to change themselves.  It has nothing to do with you at all.  Projection, like everything else related to narcissists, is all about them.

Why There Need To Be Limits On Helping Other People

As Christians, we are called to help others in need.  Galatians 6:2 in the Good News Translation reminds to “Help carry one another’s burdens, & in this way, you will obey the law of Christ.”  This is a beautiful sentiment & one that is echoed throughout the Bible.  Helping others is essential to living a fulfilling & compassionate life.  But there is a balance that needs to be in place.  We must also remember that there are limits to how much we can help others, & we must be mindful of those limits to ensure that we are not enabling unhealthy behavior. 

Galatians 6:2 tells us to help carry one another’s burdens, as I just mentioned, but what exactly does that mean?  A burden is something heavy & difficult to carry, like a steamer trunk.  It’s something that someone cannot manage on their own, & they need help to carry it.  Moving on to verse 5, we are told, “For each of you have to carry your own load.”  A load is something more manageable than a burden, like a backpack.  It’s something that we can handle on our own without assistance. 

When we help someone with their burdens, we are providing necessary support that they cannot manage on their own.  This is a beautiful act of kindness & compassion.  However, when we constantly step in & help people with their loads, we are doing them a great disservice.  We are teaching them that they do not need to take responsibility for their lives & that they can rely on others to do the hard work for them.  This can lead to a cycle of dependency that is unhealthy for both parties involved.

It’s absolutely essential to understand the difference between burdens & loads, & to be mindful of how much we help others with each.  We must be willing to step in & help when someone genuinely needs it, but we must also encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives.  To carry their own loads, in other words.

Enabling is when we do things for others that they can & should do for themselves.  Enabling can take many forms, such as constantly lending money to a friend who never pays it back or doing your child’s homework for them.  Enabling behaviors can be harmful to both parties involved.  The person doing the enabling can become resentful & exhausted, while the person being enabled can become dependent & unable to take responsibility for their own lives.

Enabling often starts with good intentions.  We want to help someone we care about, & think that by doing things for them, we are showing love & support.  Over time, enabling can lead to a dysfunctional cycle of dependence that is difficult to break.  The person being enabled may start to rely on the enabler for more & more, & they may not learn the necessary skills to take care of themselves.

Therefore, it’s vital to be mindful of enabling behaviors & to set healthy boundaries.  We must be willing to say no when someone asks us to do something that they can & should do for themselves, & encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives.

Maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial when it comes to helping others.  We must be willing to set limits on how much we can help & what kind of help we are willing to provide.  We must also be willing to communicate those boundaries clearly with our loved ones.  This can be difficult, as it may feel like we are letting them down or not being supportive enough, but in reality, healthy boundaries are key to maintaining healthy relationships.

By setting healthy boundaries, we are teaching our loved ones that we care about them enough to be honest with them.  We are also teaching them to take responsibility for their own lives & to respect our limits.  This can lead to stronger, more meaningful relationships built on mutual respect & trust.

Helping others is a wonderful thing to do.  As Christians, we are called to help those in need & to carry each other’s burdens.  The Bible shows that there also need to be limits on how much we help, & we must be mindful of those limits.  By understanding the difference between burdens & loads, recognizing the dangers of enabling, & maintaining healthy boundaries, we can help others in a way that promotes independence, responsibility, & mutual respect.

God’s Great Love for His Children & Rage at Those Who Hurt Them

The day my mother was buried was a horrible day.  I felt like my sanity was hanging by a thread.  In addition to dealing with her death, I was shocked learning I had to deal with all the details of her death, her estate & the cemetery’s mistake that meant they had to exhume then rebury my father before she could be buried. 

The day was made even worse by one of my awful cousins who came to scream at me as my mother was being buried.  Thankfully her poor husband dragged her away because due to my precarious mental state at that moment, I was getting very close to punching her.

In the midst of all of the chaos, God’s presence kept me sane & from doing anything I would regret.  I felt Him close to me that entire day, even while my cousin was screaming.  Interestingly though, as I left the cemetery that day, I felt not only God’s presence supporting me, but also His rage that was directed at my cousin.  I never experienced anything like that before & it was terrifying!

While God’s love for His children is great, His rage at those who hurt them is just as powerful.  1 Chronicles 16:22 says, “Do not touch My anointed ones, And do My prophets no harm.”  Additionally, Proverbs 3:30 warns, “Do not quarrel with a man without cause, If he has done you no harm.”  He is very protective over His own.  Psalm 121:7-8 say, “The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your life.  ⁸ The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in [everything that you do] From this time forth and forever.”  Also, Deuteronomy 32:35 says, “‘Vengeance is Mine, and retribution, In due time their foot will slip; For the day of their disaster is at hand, And their doom hurries to meet them.’”  God will not let injustice go unpunished.  He will avenge His children.

In Hebrews 10:31, it says, “It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”  This is what came to mind when I felt God’s rage aimed at my cousin that day.  It scared me for her, so I did ask God to forgive her.  No matter what I think of her, God’s wrath isn’t something I would wish on her or anyone.  I have no idea what has happened in her life since that day.  I sincerely hope God forgave her & found a gentler way to teach her not to treat people like she did me.

This event showed me that those who hurt God’s children will not avoid His judgment & wrath.  Revelation 20:12-15 even describes the judgment of the dead, where anyone whose name is not found in the Book Of Life will be thrown into the lake of fire.  This is a terrifying fate!

However, God’s rage is not without mercy.  In 2 Peter 3:9, it says, ” The Lord does not delay [as though He were unable to act] and is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is [extraordinarily] patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.”  God desires for all to come to repentance & be saved from His judgment.

God’s great love for His children & His rage at those who hurt them are both powerful & just.  We can take comfort in knowing that God loves us unconditionally & will avenge us when we are wronged.  We also must be mindful of our actions towards others, knowing that God takes injustice seriously.  We should strive to love others as God loves us & seek His forgiveness when we fall short.

Accusing Someone Of Bad Behavior Versus Stating Facts

Many people believe that when a victim accuses someone of hurting or abusing them, they are unfairly attacking the other person.  However, there are clear distinctions between accusing someone of bad behavior & simply stating facts.  Stating facts involves sharing events that have occurred without adding any false details.  On the other hand, accusations often involve fabrications & lies without any basis in reality.  Today we’ll discuss the differences between the two & why it’s essential to understand them.

Accusations are typically rooted in falsehoods & are completely fabricated.  In the Amplified Bible, Revelation 12:10 refers to Satan as “the accuser of our [believing] brothers & sisters.”  In the story of Job, Satan accused Job of wrongdoing that he had never committed.  This behavior continues today, with the addition of Satan influencing people, using them as tools to accuse others unjustly. 

Accusations come from a place of deception & malice & with evil motives.  People who falsely accuse others are looking to cause problems for the person they are accusing, & they allowed Satan to tempt them into making their false accusations.

People who falsely accuse others of terrible things also do so as a last resort.  They have nothing truly bad to say about someone, so they resort to inventing terrible things of which to accuse their victims.  If someone accuses you of something you know is untrue, remember that their accusations have nothing to do with the type of person you are, but everything to do with the accuser’s own issues.

Stating facts, on the other hand, involves recounting events as they truly happened.  When a victim shares their story & provides factual information about what occurred, they are not accusing someone unjustly but simply sharing the truth about their situation. 

Victims who state facts also don’t have evil motives when doing so.  Anyone who has been mistreated somehow or even abused has every right to discuss what happened especially when they are doing so to help themselves process what happened, heal from the damage or warn others who know their abuser about what type of person he or she truly is.

By distinguishing between accusations & facts, people can create a safe environment for victims to come forward & share their painful experiences without fear of people responding with cruelty, such being called a liar or denying the abuse took place.

Understanding the differences between accusations & stating facts is crucial in creating an environment where victims feel comfortable sharing their stories.  By encouraging honesty & transparency, victims can be empowered to speak out against abuse & raise awareness about the importance of addressing such behavior.  When victims feel validated & supported, they also are more likely to come forward & seek justice for the harm they have endured.

In conclusion, accusations & stating facts are two very different things.  Accusations are said by people with evil motives, & stem from falsehoods & deceit, while stating facts is about sharing experiences truthfully.  By recognizing the differences between the two, we can create a society where victims are heard & supported in their journey towards healing.  It is essential to validate the experiences of victims & provide a platform for them to speak the truth without fear of cruel retribution. 

About Adult Bullies

Victims of bullying & abuse understand all too well the devastating impact it can have on one’s mental & emotional well being.  While we often associate bullying with the playground or high school, the sad reality is that it can happen to anyone, at any age.  Adult bullies are a growing problem in our society, & their behavior can take many forms, from subtle manipulation to outright aggression.  Today, we’ll explore the nature of adult bullying, its causes & consequences, & most importantly, how to confront & overcome it.

Adult bullies come in all shapes & sizes, & their tactics can be hard to spot at first.  Some use verbal abuse, constantly criticizing or demeaning their victims, while others use more subtle tactics like veiled threats, or making a person believe they’ll lose something or someone they love.  Some bullies prefer physical violence or the threat of it to intimidate their victims.

Regardless of the tactics they use, adult bullies often share one thing in common: they feel insecure or powerless in their own lives & use bullying as a way to feel more powerful & in control.  For example, a boss who bullies his employees may be afraid of losing control of his company or being seen as weak.  A spouse who bullies their partner may be afraid of being alone or losing control of the relationship.  Whatever the underlying fear, adult bullies use victims as a way to feel more secure & in control of their lives.

The impact of adult bullying can be profound & long lasting.  Victims may experience anxiety, depression, low self esteem, & a host of other mental & emotional issues.  They may feel isolated & alone, as bullies often try to cut them off from friends & family.  Victims also may suffer physical harm, either from the bullying itself or from the stress & anxiety it causes.

The impact of adult bullying is not just limited to the victim.  It can also have a ripple effect on those around them.  Consider a boss who bullies their employees.  They create a toxic work environment that affects everyone in the office.  A parent who bullies their child creates a cycle of abuse that perpetuates for generations.  A spouse who bullies their partner ultimately destroys their relationship & family.

We all have a responsibility to confront & address bullying whenever & wherever we see it.  Victims need advocates because they frequently are too beaten down either mentally, physically or both to protect themselves.

Dealing with adult bullies can be challenging, but it’s not impossible.  The first step is to recognize the behavior for what it is & to understand that it’s not personal nor is it your fault.  You are not responsible for the bully’s behavior, & you do not deserve to be treated poorly.

The next step is to set boundaries & assert your rights.  Let the bully know that their behavior is not acceptable & that you will not tolerate it.  Be firm, calm, & avoid getting emotional or defensive.  If speaking up is too intimidating, simply refuse to do as they tell you to do & show them no fear.  Those actions can speak volumes to a bully. Remember, bullies thrive on the power they get from making others feel afraid or upset.  By remaining calm & rational, you take away their power.

If the bullying continues, it may be necessary to seek help from a third party, such as a close friend who has been bullied, therapist, or HR representative.  They can provide support & guidance on how to handle the situation & can help you develop a plan for moving forward.

Lastly, it’s important to take care of yourself.  Always stay close to God, surround yourself with supportive people, & practice self care. 

Bullying is not a hopeless situation.  Together, we can create a world where bullying is no longer tolerated.

You Are Allowed To Speak Up To People Who Hurt You

While forgiveness is one aspect of the Christian faith as well as a person’s emotional well being, it doesn’t mean that we should allow ourselves to be mistreated.  If someone hurts you, it is natural to feel angry, hurt, or upset.  Even so, many people struggle to confront those who hurt them, especially if the person in question can’t handle being told they did something wrong.  Today we’ll discuss why it’s important to speak up when someone hurts you, even if they can’t cope with the situation, & how to do it. 

Many people, especially victims of abuse, struggle with speaking up when someone hurts them.  This is due to a variety of reasons, including fear of retaliation, fear of being invalidated, or fear of being seen as “difficult” or “overreacting.”  However, staying silent leads to bottled-up emotions & resentment, which damages relationships & mental health.  You have every right to express your feelings & set boundaries when someone hurts you!  By doing so, you are taking care of yourself & showing the other person that their actions have consequences.

Speaking up also can help educate the other person on the bad effects of their actions.  Many times, people who hurt others simply aren’t aware of the harm they’ve caused.  By speaking up, you are giving them a chance to learn & grow.

Unfortunately, not everyone reacts reasonably when told they did something wrong.  This is especially true for people who are comfortable with their dysfunction or abusive ways.  When confronted, they try to shut the person down by acting like a victim, becoming angry or enraged, or simply walking away during the conversation.  This makes it so tempting to stop saying anything when the person hurts you.  However, this only enables their bad behavior & makes you bottle up your feelings.  Neither is good!

You need to remember that their sensitivity is their issue, not yours.  You have the right to express your feelings, regardless of how the other person reacts.  It’s not your responsibility to manage their emotions.  By staying calm, respectful, & assertive, you are showing the other person that you are serious about your boundaries & that their behavior is not acceptable.

If the person continues to refuse to take responsibility for their actions, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.  While forgiveness is important, it doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate toxic behavior.  It’s ok & even wise to distance yourself from people who consistently hurt you, no matter who they are.

Following are some tips to help you in situations like this:

1.  Pray

Before confronting the person, pray & reflect on the situation.  Ask God for wisdom on how to approach the conversation, to give you the right words to say & to show you the right timing.  This helps you to handle the situation in the best possible way.

2.  Use “I” Statements

When confronting someone, it’s important to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.  For example, instead of saying, “You hurt me when you did this,” say, “I felt hurt when you did this.”  This puts the focus on your feelings & can help prevent the other person from becoming defensive.

3.  Be Specific

When confronting someone, use examples & be clear about how their actions impacted you.  This helps them understand the gravity of the situation.

4.  Listen to Their Perspective

When confronting someone, listen to their perspective as well.  They may have a different view of the situation or may not realize the harm they caused.  Give them a chance to speak & ask questions to clarify their intentions.

5.  Set Boundaries

If the person excuses their behavior or refuses to take responsibility for their actions, set boundaries.  This may involve limiting contact with the person, or ending the relationship.

Always remember that you have the right to speak up & set boundaries when someone hurts you.  Your well being is worth fighting for.

Things Children Of Narcissistic Parents Are Tired Of Hearing

As if growing up with a narcissistic parent or even two isn’t challenging & painful enough, these children often are subjected to stupid, ignorant comments by other people that add onto the pain.  Those in their extended family, friends of the parent’s & even those who don’t know them often have very definite opinions of the parent/child relationship.  For whatever foolish reasons, many of these people feel those opinions must be shared with the victim of narcissistic parents.  Today some comments will be discussed, as well as why they are absolutely wrong in the hopes anyone reading this won’t fall for this evil manipulation.

You need to talk to your parents about how you feel.  This would make sense if your parents were normal people of average emotional intelligence & empathy.  In those cases, talking things out often works.  When you are discussing a narcissist, talking things out never works.  It often leads to no resolution while their victim ends up feeling even worse than they did prior to the conversation.  Narcissists do NOT care how their victims feel.  They only care how they feel.  They also can’t handle any criticism, no matter how tactfully it may be said.  They take it as a personal attack, & retaliate with blind rage.  Talking to them about how they have hurt you is a terrible idea.

Try seeing things from your parent’s perspective.  Abused children do this over & over.  They try figuring out what they did wrong or did to deserve to be treated this way.  Just because they can understand why a parent would abuse them doesn’t mean they have done something wrong.  It means they aren’t abusive or abuse apologists.

Kids always blame their parents & don’t accept any responsibility for their own behavior.  This is absolutely false.  Parents get plenty of both blame & praise because childhood forms so much of who we grow into as adults, good, bad & indifferent.  Saying your parent was abusive isn’t blaming them for all of your problems.  It is telling the truth & laying blame for being abusive squarely on your abusive parent’s shoulders which is where it belongs!

Your parent tried his/her best.  This is nothing but a lame excuse for abusive behavior.  There are very few people who truly don’t know the difference between right & wrong.  A parent trying their best will make mistakes, of course because they are only human.  That parent will NOT deliberately hurt their child, try to hide their behavior & punish their child for divulging their abusive behavior.

Parents always love their children no matter what.  This is a complete falsehood.  Many parents feel this way, but not all do.  Some see their child as an inconvenience, a burden or a mistake from the moment of that child’s conception.  If you don’t believe me, read about cases of abused children, such as Dave Pelzer, author of the book, “A Child Called It”.  No one can convince me his mother loved him.

Your parent was always so nice to me!  And the point is…?  Abusers are rarely abusive to everyone.  Instead, they have a Jekyll & Hyde personality.  They are sweet as pie to many people, but to their victims, they are exceedingly cruel.  Their victims are usually the only ones who see the depths of their cruelty, & this is what abusers want.  This means those who have seen the nice side of abusers don’t believe victims, which means abusers are free to abuse their victims without consequences.

Your parent is a teacher, police officer, pastor, counselor, etc, so he/she couldn’t be a bad person!  Abusers often enjoy working in these helping type professions for a few reasons.  They are in a position of authority, so they are able to abuse, control & manipulate others.  They also are looked at as good people, so anyone who accuses them of abuse most likely won’t be believed.  And, they have a lot of access to people to abuse.  While plenty of wonderful people work in such fields, plenty of abusers do too.  Not every teacher, officer, pastor, counselor, etc. is a good, caring person & assuming they all are is simply foolish.

If anyone says such invalidating comments to you regarding your abusive parent, please know that it truly has nothing to do with you.  These comments are made by people who have their own preconceived ideas.  Many of those people don’t want to accept anything that contradicts their own ideas, so rather than open their minds, they try to shut down victims as a way of helping them keep their denial in tact.  They are hurting you as a way to protect themselves, & that truly has nothing to do with you.  Don’t accept what they say as truth, because it isn’t true at all! 

Subtle Abuse

Abuse isn’t always loud or obvious.  It doesn’t always leave physical evidence behind that anyone can see easily, such as bruises & broken bones.  In fact, most abuse isn’t that obvious.  Covert abuse is a common term used to describe such subtle abuse.  It doesn’t leave undeniable proof that it happened.  It is very quiet & subtle, so much so that often even the victim may not realize that he or she is being abused.  That doesn’t make this abuse any less damaging, however.

Covert abuse comes in many forms, in particular in the form of gaslighting.  Gaslighting is when an abuser attempts to convince someone that they should doubt their feelings, thoughts, perceptions of reality & even their sanity.  It often comes in the form of denial.  The abuser claims that what they did wasn’t really so bad, it didn’t happen as the victim remembers or they deny even doing whatever they did at all, claiming the victim imagined things.

Another part of gaslighting involves how abusers interact with other people.  To those not in their most intimate circle, abusers often appear charismatic, helpful, maybe even kind & caring.  People believe the abuser to be a good person, & often tell the victim how lucky they are to have such a good person in their life.  Treating outsiders in this way serves two purposes for abusers.  First, it convinces others that the abuser in question truly is incapable of being anything but a great person.  That way, if the victim tells anyone about the abuse, he or she isn’t believed.  Second, the abuser’s fan club reminding the victim of how great they believe the abuser is makes the victim doubt that the abuser is so bad.  This makes the victim believe they are overreacting or over sensitive, & they become more tolerant of abuse.

Destroying a victim’s self esteem is another type of covert abuse.  Many years ago, I remember thinking that this is a type of murder.  I still stand by that.  Leaving a person left feeling as if they are nothing to anyone is unbelievably cruel & inhumane.  A person who is victimized in this way feels that if they died at this moment, no one would be care in the slightest or maybe they would feel relieved they are gone.  No one should live like that!

Another type of covert abuse is threats that make a person wonder if the person doing the threatening is sincere or not.  The purpose of doing this is to cause intense fear in a victim & also causing them to be extremely willing to please their abuser to avoid the abuser following through on their threat.  The person making these threats doesn’t even need to physically hurt the victim at some point to make their victim afraid, but physical violence is likely to follow these behaviors at some point.  Their threats make it very clear that they are capable of following through on them if they wish to do so.  Sometimes their threats involve words, but not always.  Most often, they do not.  Abusers may punch walls, slam doors, break items or even hurt pets yet not touch their victim.  Their behavior is terrifying to their victims, whatever they do.  My ex husband punched items or walls to make his point sometimes.  I remember him doing this then telling me how lucky I was he only punched the wall because he really wanted to punch me instead.  Somehow that didn’t make me feel so lucky! 

Another covert type of abuse is isolation.  Isolating victims means victims have no one to tell them their abuser is treating them awfully, to offer them support or to help them to leave the abusive relationship.  This behavior robs victims of any hope that their life will get better, & leaves them under the full control of their abuser.

If someone you know is treating you in these ways, never tell yourself it’s not a big deal, it’s not really abuse since he or she isn’t physically hurting you or otherwise excuse this behavior.  It truly is abusive & you truly deserve to be treated better!  If at all possible, end this relationship NOW!  If now isn’t possible, please make a plan to get out of it as soon as possible.  Protect yourself!  You deserve to be safe!

Sometimes Its Ok To Apologize For Someone Who Refuses To Apologize

Have you ever found yourself apologizing for someone who refuses to apologize? Perhaps you witnessed someone being treated unfairly or rudely, & you felt compelled to apologize on behalf of the offender.  This can be a difficult situation to navigate, especially when the person in question is a friend, family member, or romantic partner.  However, I believe that sometimes it’s ok to apologize for someone who refuses to apologize.

Let me give you an example.  I remember running into an old friend of my ex-husband’s from high school a few years after graduation.  He said he’d seen my ex recently & said hi, but the ex ignored him.  I apologized.  This wasn’t my responsibility, it was my ex’s, but I knew he wouldn’t as he wasn’t the type to apologize.  I also thought this guy deserved an apology, so I apologized for my ex.  This guy was very nice, & I felt bad someone he once considered a friend treated him so badly for no reason.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing to apologize in situations like this.  It’s just the polite thing & can make a person feel better. 

Apologizing, whether on your own behalf or on behalf of another person, can have a powerful impact on relationships.  Apologies can help to repair hurt feelings, build trust, & restore damaged relationships.  When someone apologizes, it shows that they are willing to take responsibility for their actions & make amends for any harm they have caused.  It also demonstrates that they value the relationship & are willing to put in the effort to make things right.

When you apologize on behalf of someone else, it can have a similar effect.  It shows that you care about the person who was wronged & that you are willing to step in & take action to try to make things right.  It can also help to prevent the situation from escalating further or causing further harm to the relationship.

Of course, apologies are not a magic fix for all relationship problems.  They need to be sincere & meaningful, & they need to be followed up with actions that demonstrate a commitment to change, which naturally are the sole responsibility of the person whose behavior warranted the apology.

While apologizing on behalf of someone else can be a kind & thoughtful gesture, it’s still important to set healthy boundaries.  You don’t want to take on responsibility for someone else’s actions or feel like you are responsible for fixing their mistakes.  It’s also important to make sure that the person you are apologizing to understands that you are not speaking for the other person, but rather expressing your own feelings & desire to make things right.

It’s also important to communicate with the person you are apologizing to that this is the limit of your involvement in the situation.  In my situation, I told the man I was sorry my ex behaved that way.  I had no idea it happened, or why he would be so rude,

While apologizing on behalf of someone else can be a kind & thoughtful gesture, there are times when it is not appropriate.  For example, if the person who was wronged is expecting an apology from the person who caused the harm, apologizing on their behalf may not be helpful.  It may even be seen as an attempt to prevent someone from taking responsibility for their own actions or you may end up in the middle of a situation where you don’t belong,

It’s also important to consider the potential consequences of apologizing on someone else’s behalf.  Will it create more tension?  Will it cause the other person to feel embarrassed or ashamed?  Will it make the situation worse?

Ultimately, the decision to apologize on behalf of someone else should be made on a case-by-case basis.  It’s important to consider the feelings & needs of all parties involved, as well as the potential consequences of the apology.  If you’re not absolutely sure what to do, take a few minutes to pray, & ask God to show you what you should do.

People Pleasing vs Kind Behaviors: The Fine Line Between Selflessness & Self Destruction

As Christians, we are taught to love & serve others.  We strive to do as Jesus would do.  However, sometimes our desire to please others can backfire, leading us down a path of self-destruction.  Today, we will explore the difference between people pleasing & genuinely kind behaviors, & the importance of standing up for ourselves & our values.

At first glance, people pleasing & kind behaviors may seem interchangeable.  After all, both involve putting others’ needs before our own.  However, the key difference often lies in the motivation behind our actions.  People pleasing often stems from a desire to be liked or accepted.  We may go out of our way to do things for others, even if it means sacrificing our own time, energy, or resources.  We may say yes to every request, even if it means over committing ourselves & neglecting our own needs.  In contrast, kind behaviors come from a place of genuine love & compassion.  We may still do things for others, but we do so out of a desire to help & support them, rather than to gain their approval.

People pleasing can be detrimental to our mental & emotional well,being.  It leads to feelings of resentment, burnout, & low self esteem.  We start to feel like a doormat, constantly saying yes to others & neglecting our own needs.  In contrast, practicing kind behaviors actually boosts our self esteem & overall happiness.  When we help others out of love & compassion, we feel good about ourselves & our ability to make a positive impact on the world.

It’s important to note that there can be a fine line between selflessness & self destruction.  While it’s admirable to put others’ needs before our own, we must also prioritize our own well being.  This means setting boundaries, saying no when necessary, & taking care of ourselves first.  In the words of Jesus, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31).  We cannot fully love & serve others if we are neglecting our own needs.

Christians also are called to forgive others, even those who have hurt & abused us.  However, forgiveness does not mean forgetting or ignoring the harm that was done.  When we practice “forgive & forget” without boundaries, we are essentially allowing others to continue to hurt us without consequence.  This is harmful to our mental & emotional health, & is not what God wants for His children! 

Forgiveness is not a one time event, but a process that takes time & effort.  It involves acknowledging the harm that was done, expressing our emotions, & setting boundaries to prevent it from happening again.  It also can mean releasing the person from expectations of making it up to you, especially if that isn’t possible or if the person has no remorse. This may mean limiting contact or ending the relationship with the person who hurt us, seeking counseling, or confronting the person in a healthy & respectful way.  By setting healthy boundaries, we are protecting ourselves from further harm & showing others that we value & respect ourselves.

One of the biggest challenges for people pleasers is the ability to say no.  We feel guilty or selfish for turning down a request, even if it means sacrificing our own needs.  However, saying no is an important part of self care & self respect.  It allows us to prioritize our own needs & set boundaries with others.

Similarly, standing up for ourselves & our values is crucial for our mental & emotional well being.  When we allow others to hurt us or compromise our values, we are essentially giving away our power.  This makes us feel helpless or powerless, leading to feelings of anxiety, depression, &/or low self esteem.  By standing up for ourselves & our values, we are taking back our power & showing others that we value & respect ourselves. We can assert ourselves in a healthy & respectful way, while still valuing & respecting the other person.  In fact, setting boundaries & standing up for ourselves often improves our relationships with others, as it shows them that we have self respect & expect to be treated with dignity.  When healthy boundaries cause problems in a relationship, it’s a sign of a toxic relationship.

As Christians, we are called to love & serve others.  However, we must also prioritize our own well being & set boundaries to protect ourselves from harm.  By doing so, we are taking back our power & showing others that we value & respect ourselves.

Narcissism In The Bible

Although Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a modern, secular term, there is still information about narcissism in the Bible.  It is referred to as “insolent pride” in some places, as well as “scornful” or “scoffer.”  One example of narcissism in the Bible can be found in 2 Timothy 3:1-5.  In the Amplified translation it says, “But understand this, that in the last days dangerous times [of great stress and trouble] will come [difficult days that will be hard to bear]. ²For people will be lovers of self [narcissistic, self-focused], lovers of money [impelled by greed], boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane, ³[and they will be] unloving [devoid of natural human affection, calloused and inhumane], irreconcilable, malicious gossips, devoid of self-control [intemperate, immoral], brutal, haters of good, ⁴traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of [sensual] pleasure rather than lovers of God, ⁵holding to a form of [outward] godliness (religion), although they have denied its power [for their conduct nullifies their claim of faith]. Avoid such people and keep far away from them.”  This certainly gives a good description of a narcissist, wouldn’t you agree?

There are quite a few examples of people displaying narcissistic behavior in the Bible as well.  One of those people is Cain.  His story can be found in Genesis 4.  To sum it up, Cain & his brother Abel made offerings to God. Abel’s was a good offering while Cain’s wasn’t.  Naturally Abel’s offering pleased God while Cain’s didn’t.  As a result, Cain was angry & killed his brother.

This got me to thinking about something.  Many narcissists remind me of Cain.

They are very envious when others get praise, especially in their presence.  In Genesis 4:4-5, Cain did this.  God praised Abel’s offering which greatly angered Cain.

In these situations, narcissists take that anger out on the person who received the praise instead of them.  Again, Cain did this in verse 8 when he killed Abel. 
Abel did nothing wrong & what he did had nothing to do with Cain.  Yet Cain took it so personally that God preferred Abel’s offering to Cain’s that he killed his own brother.

Narcissists also can’t stand it when someone is a good person trying to live their life right.  I think this is because someone who has integrity & good motives makes narcissists look bad.  Since they can’t tolerate looking less than perfect let alone bad, they get angry.  Another parallel to Cain showing this behavior is found in 1 John 3:12 which says, “and not be like Cain, who was of the evil one and murdered his brother [Abel]. And why did he murder him? Because Cain’s deeds were evil, and his brother’s were righteous.” 

When narcissists are called out on their abusive behavior, they hate it.  While no one likes it of course, narcissists take that to a new level.  Yet again, Cain did this too.  In true narcissist fashion, he became quite overly dramatic when God spoke to him about his punishment.  Genesis 4:13-14 describe this scene.  “Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is greater than I can bear. ¹⁴Behold, You have driven me out this day from the face of the land; and from Your face (presence) I will be hidden, and I will be a fugitive and an [aimless] vagabond on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”  Doesn’t this sound just like a narcissist?  When I have called the narcissists in my life out, they responded similarly by making me sound mean & unreasonable, like I was punishing them so unfairly.

If you ever want to read about narcissism in the Bible, the story of Cain is a great place to start obviously.  You also can look up Scriptures that mention insolent pride, scoffer & scornful people.  You just might be surprised how much the Bible can teach us about narcissists.

Why Gossip Is Truly Harmful – A Biblical Perspective

Gossip is often dismissed as harmless chatter or idle talk, but according to the Bible, it’s much more than that.  Proverbs 20:19 in the Amplified Bible states, “He who goes about as a gossip reveals secrets; Therefore do not associate with a gossip [who talks freely or flatters].”   This Verse shows the gravity of gossip, emphasizing that those who engage in it reveal secrets & betray trust.  Furthermore, 2 Timothy 3:1-5 warns us of the terrible characteristics of people in the last days, including being malicious gossips, which may explain why gossip is so prevalent these days.

Words hold immense power.  They have the ability to build up or tear down, to encourage or discourage, to heal or harm.  The tongue, as depicted in the Bible, is described as a “small member, yet it boasts of great things” according to James 3:5.  When gossip becomes a regular part of our conversations, it becomes a weapon of destruction.

Firstly, gossip breaches trust & violates the bond between people.  When someone shares personal information in confidence, it should be kept confidential.  However, gossipers betray this trust by revealing secrets to others, causing immense pain & damage to relationships. 

Gossip also perpetuates negativity & spreads false information.  It often involves the distortion or exaggeration of facts, leading to misunderstandings & misjudgments.  The spreading of false information can damage reputations, tarnish character, & lead to a breakdown in relationships. 

Not only does gossip harm individuals, but it also has far-reaching consequences for communities.  When gossip runs rampant within a church or community, it creates an atmosphere of tension, suspicion, & division.  People become wary of one another, relationships become strained, & unity is shattered.  The body of Christ is meant to be a place of love, support, & encouragement, but gossip undermines these values & hinders the growth of the church.

Furthermore, gossip can have devastating effects on mental & emotional well being.  People who are victims of gossip often experience feelings of shame, humiliation, & isolation.  They may struggle with self esteem issues, anxiety, & even depression.  Engaging in gossip goes against the basic principles of Godly love & causes a great deal of harm.

Additionally, gossip can negatively impact the witness of the Church.  When Christians gossip, it creates a dissonance between their actions & Biblical teachings.  This leads to a loss of credibility & makes them appear as hypocrites.  As followers of Jesus, we are called to be a light in the world, reflecting His love & grace.  Gossip undermines this mission & damages the reputation of the Church.

As humans, we are all prone to the temptation of gossip.  It can be enticing to indulge in juicy tidbits of information sometimes.  However, Christians are called to a higher standard.  We are called to be imitators of Christ, who “committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth” as said in 1 Peter 2:22.  Overcoming the temptation to gossip requires a conscious effort & a commitment to aligning our words with the teachings of Scripture.

We must have a heart of love & compassion.  When we genuinely care for others, we are less likely to engage in gossip.  Instead, we should seek to build others up, speak words of encouragement, & offer support in times of need. 

Additionally, we should practice discernment & wisdom in our conversations refusing to spread or listen to gossip.  

We also must be accountable to one another.  Surrounding ourselves with those who hold us responsible for our words can help us resist the temptation to join in gossip. 

Gossip may seem harmless on the surface, but it is a destructive force that can cause immense harm to people, relationships, & communities.  By adhering to the teachings of Scripture & cultivating compassion, we can reject gossip & contribute to a community that reflects the love & grace of Christ.

Males Really Can Be Abused By Females

Abuse is usually associated with men being the perpetrators & women being the victims.  However, this is not always the case.  Male can be victims of abuse by females just as easily.  Unfortunately, society has made it difficult for males to speak out about their experiences of abuse, because they are expected to be strong & to never show weakness.  However, it’s important for males to know that it’s ok to admit that a female has abused them.  It doesn’t mean that they are weak, should be ashamed of what happened to them or are any less of a man.

Two examples of men who were abused by women are Sampson, who was abused by Delilah, & King Ahab, who was abused by Jezebel.  Sampson was a powerful man who was brought down by his love for Delilah.  Jezebel was a manipulative & controlling wife who ruled over her husband, King Ahab.  Both men suffered at the hands of their female abusers, but their stories are seldom discussed in much detail.

The first step in addressing the issue of female to male abuse is to break the stigma that surrounds it.  The belief that males, no matter their age, should always be strong & never show weakness has been ingrained in society for generations.  This makes it difficult for males to speak out about their experiences of abuse.  They need to know that it’s ok to ask for help & to seek support from others.

Males who have been abused often feel ashamed & embarrassed.  They worry that others will judge them or not believe their stories.  This is why it’s important for society to recognize that males can be victims of abuse & to provide them with the support they need.  It’s also important to challenge the belief that males should always be strong & never show vulnerability.  By doing so, we can create a more accepting & supportive environment for male victims.

It’s also important to note that male victims more often are abused emotionally & psychologically, rather than physically.  Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, & it’s important for males to understand that any form of abuse is not ok.

One of the reasons why female on male abuse is often overlooked is because females tend to be more covert in their abuse.  They are often better at hiding their abusive ways & convincing others that they are incapable of being abusive.  This makes it difficult for male victims to be believed.

Covert abuse can involve gaslighting, manipulation, & emotional blackmail.  Females who abuse males often use these tactics to control their victims & to make them feel powerless.  Male victims may not even realize that they are being abused, as the abuse is often subtle & disguised as caring behavior.

Male victims may feel unsure about what is happening to them. They may feel like they are going crazy or that they are imagining things.  It’s important for them to know that they are not alone & that there is help available.

If you are a male victim of abuse, you do not have to suffer in silence.  There are resources available, including online support groups, counseling, & therapy.  If you opt for therapy, it’s important to find a therapist who understands male victims, which may mean seeing a few therapists before finding the right one for you.  You’re also welcome to join my Facebook group.  Several male abuse victims are in my group, so you won’t be alone.  Here’s the link:  https://facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT

It’s also important to reach out to friends & family members who you trust.  They may be much more supportive than you expect.

And never forget that God loves you, & is in your corner.  He is grieved you were abused & wants to help you heal.

Remember that there is no shame in admitting that you have been abused.  You are not weak, flawed or any less of a man because a female chose to abuse you.  She is the real problem, not you.

Encouragement For Those Who God Has Called To Serve

Serving people in any capacity can be exhausting.  It requires you to give of yourself, your time, & your resources.  There are also times that it can feel unrewarding & can make you want to quit.  But if you have answered the call of God to serve others, then you know that quitting is not an option.  You know that you are doing what God has called you to do, & that is the most important thing.  You are making a difference in the lives of others, & that is something you can be proud of.

I want to encourage you to keep going today.  God loves you so much, is proud of what you’re doing, & He will reward you for it.  Hebrews 6:10 in the Amplified Bible says, “For God is not unjust so as to forget your work & the love which you have shown for His name in ministering to [the needs of] the saints (God’s people), as you do.”

Serving others is not just a job or a task.  It’s a calling from God.  He has chosen you for this work, & He has equipped you with all of the skills & abilities you need to do it well.  When you embrace your calling, you will find a sense of purpose & fulfillment that you won’t find anywhere else.

However, embracing your calling doesn’t mean that you won’t face challenges or difficulties.  There will be times when you feel overwhelmed or discouraged.  During those times, it’s important to remember that God is with you.  He will give you the strength & the courage to keep going, even when you don’t feel like it.

If you’re feeling discouraged or overwhelmed, take some time to pray & ask God for His guidance & strength.  Remember that you are not alone, & that God is with you every step of the way.

While serving others is important, it’s also important to take care of yourself.  You can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure to take time for self care.  This means taking care of your physical, emotional, & spiritual needs.

Physically, make sure to get enough rest, exercise, & eat healthy.  Emotionally, take time to do things that bring you joy & relaxation.  This could be reading a book, spending time with friends or family, or doing a hobby you enjoy.  Spiritually, make sure to spend time in prayer & reading the Bible.  When you take care of yourself, you will have more energy & motivation to serve others.  You will also be a better example of Christ’s love to those around you.

It’s also so important to celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem.  Celebrating your successes will help you stay motivated & encouraged.  It will also help you see the impact that you’re making in the lives of others.  So, take some time to reflect on the progress you’ve made & the lives you’ve touched.  Celebrate the lives that have been changed because of you.  Remember that every small act of kindness & service matters.  When you celebrate your successes, you will be reminded of the importance of your work.  You will be reminded that God is using you to make a difference in the world.  How you celebrate isn’t important, so long as you do.  You can get yourself a gift or even take a moment simply to bask in the good feelings of accomplishing what you have done. 

Serving others can be exhausting & discouraging at times, but it’s so helpful & important to remember that God is with you every step of the way.  Embrace your calling, take care of yourself, & celebrate your successes.  Remember that you are making a difference in the world.  Keep going.  Keep serving.  Know that God is proud of you & what you’re doing.

My Newest Mini Book Is Now Available!

I just thought I’d let everyone know my newest mini book is available in ebook format.  Not sure if I’ll do print or not.. seems silly for mini books since they are maybe half the length of other books.

Anyway my newest ebook is called, “A Biblical Perspectives Mini Book The Pain of Being Your Parent’s Parent: A Guide for Teens and Young Adults.” It is designed to help those who are either under age & still living with their parents or recently have moved out of their parents’ homes deal with their parents who treat them as if their job is to take care of their parents.

This book came about because recently, my podcast analytics showed that the bulk of my audience listened to a podcast about this topic, & they were under age 22. It reminded me of being that age & younger, suffering through the same nightmare. It seemed like the right time to write a book to (hopefully!) help others in that horrible situation.

The ebook is available at amazon at this link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CWWQMBB3/ref=sr_1_16?crid=IRN3GPJPPQRM&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.M4u3RJkm2BvE5PhKeYIIiethbwADWlJtBojIcSYT9GHEG0ZV6BuFg6B1h8-y_524ckwDQ3xV0k_y2Fe5x-ifuATItuVnMe0tc_cO5POc8AxU1RdMDX4Kyq8qun0qw58v_TMpUnY8Up10On-jPyZUp06mDnaMCaXvZSXklW7BAq3YJAGGLYv-E5XJiTOS1YPqLL3Z3bGZ4dotB-3bsajrG-hCVZkGDYz7TiBh-IbyiTo.maI7PI4xLeg-hzJ_WuIwNVjNNusQ-v5YwH2kayHml5M&dib_tag=se&keywords=cynthia+bailey-rug&qid=1709393357&s=books&sprefix=cynthia+bailey-rug%2Cstripbooks%2C171&sr=1-16

It is available at other retailers at this link: https://books2read.com/u/4E7jPz

Coming Soon – 25% Sale On My Ebooks!!

Happy Read an Ebook Week! To help you find a book to celebrate, you can find my entire collection at a promotional price at Smashwords from March 3, 2024 – March 9, 2024. Find my books and many more at https://www.smashwords.com/ebookweek #ebookweek24 #Smashwords

Find my ebooks on sale at this link: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Discovering Your True Self After Narcissistic Abuse

No contact is often preached to victims of narcissistic abuse as if once you sever ties with a narcissist, your life will be perfect.  No contact is wonderful because it means the narcissist is out of your life, but that doesn’t mean all of your problems are over.  Narcissists rarely take no contact quietly, but even when they do, victims still have plenty to deal with if they are to heal from the narcissistic abuse.

One area where victims need healing is to discover who they truly are, not who their narcissist said they were.  While this may sound easy to some people, it really isn’t.  I plan to give victims in this position things to consider that can help them to discover their true identity, who God made them to be.

Prayer is always the best place to start, in my opinion.  Asking God to show you who you really are is so helpful!  It was paramount for me.  He showed me things I never would have considered before.  And, He can do the same for you!

Journaling is also helpful.  Take notes of things you learn along your journey so you can look back over them.  This can be a great reminder of things you have forgotten.

Ask yourself what interests do you have.  I don’t mean things a narcissist claimed you were interested in, but things that truly interest you that are free from outside influences.  Many victims of narcissistic abuse have no idea what things truly interest them or they minimize those things.  Consider what you do & how you feel about things without judging your feelings.  What brings you real joy, no matter what other people have to say? 

What talents do you have?  What can you say you are good at doing?  Are you talented with drawing?  Writing?  Building things?  If you struggle to find something, think about the complements people give you.  I know, as a victim of a critical narcissist, it can be tough to accept complements, but you need to do this.  Consider the nice things people have said to you.  Don’t judge the complements.  Instead, write them down.  They may help you to figure out who you really are.

What stirs up passion inside of you?  Do you feel strongly about animal rights?  Is there a human rights issue that lights a fire in you like nothing else?  What stirs up the strongest feelings in you, either good feelings or negative ones?  Take note of such things.  These things most likely are your calling.

What are your beliefs?  Narcissists do their best to make their victims think & believe exactly as they want them to.  It benefits narcissists but damages victims by making them lose an important part of themselves.  Start thinking about things in which you truly believe, whether or not the narcissist would approve of these things. 

What about your moral beliefs?  Another area where narcissists try to make their victims compromise is their morals.  They try convincing their victims that God doesn’t exist or if He does, He condones the narcissist’s abuse because the victim deserves punishment.  Narcissistic spouses convince their victims that monogamy is an outdated concept in order to justify their cheating ways.  Do you truly believe what the narcissist told you, or is it only because the narcissist told you this was how you should feel?

When trying to heal from narcissistic abuse, the best thing you can do is to question everything about not only the narcissist but yourself as well.  Questions will help you to learn more & knowledge truly is power.  So please start questioning everything & take good care of yourself!

Medical Trauma Involves More Than Serious Health Scares

When we think of medical trauma, we often imagine individuals going through life threatening health scares, battling serious illnesses, or surviving severe accidents. While these experiences are undoubtedly traumatic, it’s important to recognize that medical trauma encompasses more than just these extreme situations. It also includes the emotional & psychological distress that can arise from feeling dismissed, belittled, or mistreated by healthcare professionals.

As someone who has personally endured medical trauma, I can attest to the fact that the fear & anxiety associated with medical trauma can be overwhelming. Whether it is the constant worry of being minimized by doctors or the anticipation of encountering rude & hostile staff members, these experiences leave a lasting impact.

In this blog post, I will share my own encounters with medical trauma, highlighting the need for support & understanding for all individuals who have experienced similar challenges.

One form of medical trauma that often goes unnoticed is the dismissal of valid concerns by healthcare professionals. I experienced this firsthand when I was just 19 years old. Struggling with awful back pain, I sought medical help, only to be met with skepticism & accusations of faking my pain. The doctors claimed that I was “too young” to have such severe back problems. Others I knew also thought I was faking it because I was simply too lazy to work.

This dismissal invalidated my pain, amplified my anxieties & made me question my own experiences. Many times over the years I doubted my pain was real. I believed they were right.. I was faking it & was too lazy to work.

Furthermore, it is crucial to acknowledge that the dismissal of valid concerns is rarely an isolated incident. Many individuals with rare conditions, chronic illnesses or pain face similar challenges, struggling to find healthcare providers who take their symptoms seriously. This lack of validation perpetuates a cycle of medical trauma.

In addition to the dismissal of concerns, medical trauma can also stem from the hostile & rude behavior exhibited by healthcare staff. Imagine walking into a medical facility, already anxious & in pain, only to be met with disdain & judgment. Sadly, this was my experience in the emergency room after barely surviving Carbon Monoxide Poisoning in 2015.

The staff’s nonchalant attitude & lack of empathy made me feel like my condition was inconsequential. Despite nearly dying from exposure & having a serious head injury from hitting my head when I passed out, they treated my symptoms as if they were minor, & gave me no warning what to expect in the future.

Healthcare settings should be safe spaces for individuals seeking help & healing. When healthcare providers & staff exhibit hostility & rudeness, it further exacerbates the trauma experienced by patients. The emotional scars left by these encounters can impact an individual’s trust in the healthcare system & hinder their ability to seek necessary medical care in the future. I can attest to this, as I have virtually no trust in doctors or hospitals now.

People not in the field also never should be judgmental or dismissive of the health struggles of other people. The emotional toll of being doubted & dismissed by medical staff or friends & family never should be underestimated. It is a trauma that deserves recognition & support.

Societal norms often dictate that people should be grateful for any form of medical attention they receive, which makes it difficult to be open about such experiences. This is so wrong! Everyone’s pain & suffering should be acknowledged & validated. This means actively listening, believing experiences, & empowering people to advocate for their own health.

Moreover, healthcare professionals & staff must develop empathy, compassion, & sensitivity. By fostering an environment of understanding & respect, we can prevent further medical trauma & improve the overall quality of care provided.

It is time to recognize & address the diverse range of medical trauma experiences that individuals face. Everyone should prioritize empathy, understanding, & validation in every area, including when it comes to people’s health.